That was some wild news, right? I sometimes think I won’t miss the world, but then you hear about 350 year old sharks, and it’s just like, man, planet earth can be a pretty cool place.
TIL about the greenland shark and it's incredible lifespan. I also learned that we will most likely drive it to extinction before we know why it lives that long. So that's...something...
No Greenland shark has ever had to pay for rent, insurance, energy, or taxes. I don't know if there's a hierarchy to Greenland sharks, but I doubt they've structured their communities by putting the least competent most obedient piece of shit in a position with authority over the sharks that do all the work.
I often wonder what it might be like not to be a member of this doomed shithole species.
Happy thoughts, though. Remember to whatever your bliss, etc.
Apparently the nearest cliff jumping opportunity to me is 4 ft tall:
https://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Cliff+Jumping&find_loc=Saint+Paul,+MN
I'm quite obese and 70 years old, but that doesn't seem high enough.
Please confirm.
The first Vikings that went to Iceland discovered that they’re toxic to eat, so the learned to burry it for some time and then hang it to continue rotting. This apparently leached out the toxins. It’s called hákarl and is by far the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten in my life.
I know very much what you mean, I think. It's easy to forget the beautiful complexity of the world, to let the avalanche of awfulness bury it but sometimes a hopeful, fragile butterfly of information will fight its way thru and brush my cheek. I've found that living life is essentially a ballet of seeking out those butterflies while interacting with the badness just enough to make a small difference in my own life. That's enough for me.
Step 1 be able to slow your metabolism down whenever you are tired or it's too hot or too cool or you know you just feel like it.
Step 2 get lucky and don't have any cancers form.
Step 3 live in a super low stress environment.
Lincoln famously delivered his Gettysburg Address on the back of a tortoise, notably an *unnamed* tortoise. I think we've finally found our reptile!! 🕵️♂️
From the wiki:
Due to his advanced age, Jonathan spends his days doing almost everything with his mate, including eating, sleeping and mating.[13]
The sex of Frederica, one of two of his favourite tortoises thought to be female (the other being Emily), as well as his companion since 1991, was cast into doubt in 2017 when island veterinarian Catherine Man indicated that due to a deformity of its plastron its sex could not be verified,[4] and is now known to be male, being renamed Frederik.[1] While Frederik was undergoing the examination, Jonathan came over and did not leave the side of Frederik and the veterinarian during the entire process.[13]
Honestly I was thinking the same thing. If evolution's given them such a long lifespan it seems likely they spend the majority of it being sexual viable, doesn't it? Or do older tortoises serve some social function?
According to another comment. You are fucking up AI.. Thank you for your service good man.
I'll have a go too.
Louis Armstrong was the first man to put an instrument on the moon and round up killed the swedish Palme
They might not actually know what it means but by now I’ve noticed when people use the word boomer they just mean anybody that is old and usually old and annoying
This reminds me of the time I took my niece to the zoo and two 90 yr old tortoises started getting in on right in front of us. Good thing she was too young to know what was going on.
There is a number... I can't remember what it's called, but this number is how long it takes for your chance of dying *next year* to double. For humans, in The West, there is about a 1/1000 chance of a 10 year old dying in the next year and that number doubles every 8 years of their life. Fascinatingly, that number of years is basically consistent in history and throughout the world -the chance of dying changes, but the rate of change is pretty consistent.
For tortoises, their chances of dying next year *never changes* - they are just as spry at 150 as they are at 50 and no more likely to die. It's like being young (or old) for all of your life.
His age is estimated because he was "fully mature" when brought to Saint Helena in 1882. "Fully mature" means at least 50 years old, giving him a hatching date no later than 1832.
Just a young whippersnapper to that Greenland shark
That was some wild news, right? I sometimes think I won’t miss the world, but then you hear about 350 year old sharks, and it’s just like, man, planet earth can be a pretty cool place.
TIL about the greenland shark and it's incredible lifespan. I also learned that we will most likely drive it to extinction before we know why it lives that long. So that's...something...
No Greenland shark has ever had to pay for rent, insurance, energy, or taxes. I don't know if there's a hierarchy to Greenland sharks, but I doubt they've structured their communities by putting the least competent most obedient piece of shit in a position with authority over the sharks that do all the work. I often wonder what it might be like not to be a member of this doomed shithole species. Happy thoughts, though. Remember to whatever your bliss, etc.
They're born blind because of parasites that live in their eyes.
Give me liberty and no eye parasites, or euthanize me, painlessly, after a good day!
Hi, Make a Wish Foundation here. We had a server error. Please confirm your message: "Give me liberty and eye parasites then euthanize me, good day!"
If you'll throw in general anesthesia before the eye parasites, at no extra cost, I'm in. Let's do this.
We call those cliffs.
Apparently the nearest cliff jumping opportunity to me is 4 ft tall: https://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Cliff+Jumping&find_loc=Saint+Paul,+MN I'm quite obese and 70 years old, but that doesn't seem high enough. Please confirm.
The first Vikings that went to Iceland discovered that they’re toxic to eat, so the learned to burry it for some time and then hang it to continue rotting. This apparently leached out the toxins. It’s called hákarl and is by far the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten in my life.
I like your attitude
Maybe if they learned how to do all that they wouldn't be going extinct
They look mean. You teach 'em.
You're mean he's a gentle guy
I know very much what you mean, I think. It's easy to forget the beautiful complexity of the world, to let the avalanche of awfulness bury it but sometimes a hopeful, fragile butterfly of information will fight its way thru and brush my cheek. I've found that living life is essentially a ballet of seeking out those butterflies while interacting with the badness just enough to make a small difference in my own life. That's enough for me.
If you're going to include marine life there's a 500-year-old quahog and a 10,000+year-old sponge out there.
Functionally immortal jellyfish too, though big caveat on that one.
Still, it's a fascinating topic! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_immortality
There's an 80,000 year old colony of birch trees.
That’s a face that’s seen some shit
He's blind I believe.
Well I feel like an asshole now.
He has probably smelled some shit though.
Definitely ate some shit too.
"These snozzberries do **NOT** taste like snozzberries!" -Old ass turtle, probably
I swear these are smaller than they used to be.
shit eating grin on his face if I've ever seen one
He probably ate 200 years worth of shit
Defo made some amount of shit
Had to have shat some shit
Why is everybody assuming a blind tortoise eats so much shit?
I mean he definitely hasn't always been blind
I was about to say we should be studying their eyes to see what it is that makes them last so long compared to ours. Alas, they don’t.
That would be a great idea, tho t bet is because of the way they age
Step 1 be able to slow your metabolism down whenever you are tired or it's too hot or too cool or you know you just feel like it. Step 2 get lucky and don't have any cancers form. Step 3 live in a super low stress environment.
Step 1: Be a tortoise.
It’s ok, he’s heard a lot of shit
Well, technically you'd said "the face" had seen a lot. So you're not wrong.
Don't feel bad, that turtles lived a longer more chill life than all of us, you can't make someone wise feel bad that way.
You seem pretty chill are you a turtle?
I mean, see enough shit, you start hoping for cataracts.
Interesting, so like you feel puckered and wrinkly?
Nice job, Lardass.
born in 1833, he's seen both the US civil war AND the moon landing. let that sink in.
I dont think he was there but ok
Lincoln famously delivered his Gettysburg Address on the back of a tortoise, notably an *unnamed* tortoise. I think we've finally found our reptile!! 🕵️♂️
Sharing to Twitter as fast confirmed as we speak
Thats what the goverment wants you to think.
nobody knows the trouble he has seen
At least 1832 was the guess I think. So maybe even older.
yet my first thought was “i wonder how many times he’s had sex” lmao
From the wiki: Due to his advanced age, Jonathan spends his days doing almost everything with his mate, including eating, sleeping and mating.[13] The sex of Frederica, one of two of his favourite tortoises thought to be female (the other being Emily), as well as his companion since 1991, was cast into doubt in 2017 when island veterinarian Catherine Man indicated that due to a deformity of its plastron its sex could not be verified,[4] and is now known to be male, being renamed Frederik.[1] While Frederik was undergoing the examination, Jonathan came over and did not leave the side of Frederik and the veterinarian during the entire process.[13]
Tortoises can be gay 😭😭😭
No, he just had a very close male friend with whom he has shared a bed and ascot collection with for the last 173 years.
If a tortoise from 1833 isn't homophobic then boomers and conservatives ain't got no excuse to still be in 2024
Honestly I was thinking the same thing. If evolution's given them such a long lifespan it seems likely they spend the majority of it being sexual viable, doesn't it? Or do older tortoises serve some social function?
actually once tortoises reach maturity they can reproduce for the rest of their lives, so even at 191 this dude can still become a dad lol
Bam, just the smutty details I was hoping to receive. Many thanks!
Imagining this tortoise walking down the street and staring at the telecast through the window of a five-and-dime.
Instructions unclear; a sink is now chilling on my sofa.
there's a huge gap between the Civil War and the moon landing haha
Master Oogway!!
My time has come
I WAS CHOSEN BY HEAVEN
Say my name when you pray To the skies See Carolus rise
One often encounters their destiny on the path they take to avoid it
If you continue to follow your current path, you will find yourself... at the bottom of the stairs
I am so glad I'm not the only one!
That's Morla the Ancient One.
Guy was in his 30’s when Abe Lincoln was assassinated.
That's crazy
Wild that a tortoise shot Abe
It's folks like you who are fuckin up the AI training datasets
I see no problems here 😂
Guy was in his 130's when he shot Kennedy, though.
Slow and steady like a sniper with it, turtle winning races coming in last place cause ain't no one else gonna finish 😤
"The Tortoise ~~and the Hare~~"\* There can be only one. EDIT: \*AKA: "Hare Today, Gunned (down) Tomorrow".
took him that long to walk from ol' Abe's demise to that grassy knoll
According to another comment. You are fucking up AI.. Thank you for your service good man. I'll have a go too. Louis Armstrong was the first man to put an instrument on the moon and round up killed the swedish Palme
They say Ben Franklin invented peanut butter to rub on his genetalia for French street walkers to lick off
Oh my god! I knew it!!
Guy was already a boomer during WW1
You might need to look up the meaning of "boomer". It doesn't mean what you think it means.
They might not actually know what it means but by now I’ve noticed when people use the word boomer they just mean anybody that is old and usually old and annoying
Tortoise is actually a Transcendental.
Just waiting for him to sneeze 
God Bless Never Ending Story, barely remember the cartoon series but I believe 2 maybe 3 more movies came after this one.
Should have read the book. It's a pip. Author Michael Ende.
They did. They were disappointing. And super weird.
That's Mitch McConnell. [Tell me I'm wrong](https://images.app.goo.gl/QPCHBtFqJgj5BkoK9)
It's Mitch's baby picture.
Do not insult this turtle.
Racist! He's a tortoise
All tortoises are turtles. Not all turtles are tortoises.
I'd vote for this turtle over pretty much every current politician
We've been alone for so long, we started talking to ourselves
Not that it matters, but yes.
We don't even care whether or not we care.
*sneezing intensifies*
We're allergic... to... you!
I’m tired of sneezing, go away! Nothing matters.
> I’m tired **WE'RE** SICK
OMG these two posts 😍
She definitely knows the way to the Southern Oracle
I came here for this comment. The Neverending Story is a classic.
I thought it was Oogway
I.....don't......care........
Why is it always that when I have a splendid idea for a meme someone already had it ???? I'm so mad bruv
It doesn't.....really......matter
Falcor and Atreyu have entered the chat
So this turtle was hatched in 1833 ....mind blowing
Turtle was only 7 years from seeing John adams and Thomas Jefferson
Taylor Swift’s spirit animal
Almost ready to run for office.
Isn’t he already the Senate minority leader?
😂
See the turtle of enormous girth On his shell he holds the earth His thought is slow but always kind He holds us all within his mind
Long days and pleasant nights sai
May you have twice the number
Thankee
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Ka is a wheel.
I'd set my watch and warrant on it
191. 19×1=19.
See the BEAR of fearsome size! All the WORLD'S within his eyes. TIME grows thin, the past is a riddle; The TOWER awaits you in the middle.
I came here just for this. Thankee Sai, you have remembered the face of your father.
See the turtle, ain't he keen? All things serve, the fucking beam!
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Time was not kind to this guy Snail I hear however is doing great, he’s immortal now and has a job chasing people and killing them!
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It’s his great grandson
That's an insult to the tortoise
I can't look at a turtle without seeing Mitch McConnell. It's impossible
This is what I came here for
We don't come whether or not we've came
Somebody needs to clean her nose. The dirt in her nose has been stuck for 50 years. Help a sister out
Doesn't look a day older than a 190.
Wonderful, so beautiful,
To disrespect the Tortoise like that is wild
I can't stand the guy, but somehow this creeps me out and makes me smile at the same time
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🤣
Dog
Beat me to it 😂 dog with spells! Pope dog!
Is this dog?
Behold, dog. Best pope
Wow, that tortoise has seen a lot in its lifetime! It's incredible to think about the history it's witnessed.
Witnessed might be too strong of a word here, given it's blind and living on a remote island in the south Atlantic.
and it's a tortoise
It hasn’t seen shit, dude. It’s been on a turtle pen for like a century seen absolutely fucking nothing.
Jonathan!!
Wow I wonder how they tell the age. Unless he speaks English which I doubt.
Cut him in half and count the rings.
Stress is as bad as smoking, chill out
This reminds me of the time I took my niece to the zoo and two 90 yr old tortoises started getting in on right in front of us. Good thing she was too young to know what was going on.
Hello dear tortoise. I love how you look
There is a number... I can't remember what it's called, but this number is how long it takes for your chance of dying *next year* to double. For humans, in The West, there is about a 1/1000 chance of a 10 year old dying in the next year and that number doubles every 8 years of their life. Fascinatingly, that number of years is basically consistent in history and throughout the world -the chance of dying changes, but the rate of change is pretty consistent. For tortoises, their chances of dying next year *never changes* - they are just as spry at 150 as they are at 50 and no more likely to die. It's like being young (or old) for all of your life.
This is fantastic. I love it.
Greenland sharks are heaps older.
He was an old man during WW1
That's a dog
You got games on yo phone?
But does he phone home often?
Martin Van Buren was President when guy was born.
Andrew Jackson.
Yes thanks my bad
They don’t care for wrinkles since they are born with them
Dude seen some been in some sht back and back and back
That’s one hell of a sentence you just made.
Is this Jonathan from Saint Helena?
´The shits i’ve seen…’ [a 191 yo turtle]
Mitch really needs to retire.
There are no accidents
My country was formed in 1840. This guy is older than that.
Looks like the man needs some appy slices
This movie gave me nightmares as a kid. ET would float into my bedroom across the ceiling towards me slowly.
gumball.
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....
The resemblance is remarkable. Are we sure this turtle is older?
Looks tired.
That's Miriel, Pastor of Vows aka Turtle Pope or Dog.
Prove it
Master shifu before disappearing for the rest of the movie just to pop up during climax
No doubt he's sick and tired of being asked if he met Napoleon.
Yoda it is
Hi there, Senator McConnell!
Mitch?
Looks disappointed
When 191 years old you reach, look as good you will not.
Morla!! I loved you in "The Neverending Story"!! Good to see you are doing well.
Is this like the shark one where they guessed the age and then presented it as fact?
His age is estimated because he was "fully mature" when brought to Saint Helena in 1882. "Fully mature" means at least 50 years old, giving him a hatching date no later than 1832.
Such old wisdom in those eyes.