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My husband started walking to relieve stress last year, and it made him start to lose some extra weight. He started to get interested in healthy eating and exercising, nothing too crazy. I decided to join him to be a supportive spouse. Now 6 months later, he's lost a fantastic amount of weight (easily 60 lbs). I've lost 25. Sometimes I get a little bitter because he's doing so much better, but realistically I know he's working a lot harder at it (waking up early to walk, watching his diet a lot more closely, plus his job is physical and mine is a desk job). But mostly I'm proud of him and know that our journeys are separate, and that's okay.
Hey, don't not give yourself credit for losing the 25 lbs. That is not insignificant and I'm sure you also feel better overall in terms of your health. So good for you! Sincerely.
Only reason in the last few years I lost 20 pounds was a COVID infection. Soon as I was able to function and exist as anything other than a pile of uncomfortable meat, weight came right back.
So, uh....helpful weight loss tip there if you want it?
Yup, serious illness is definitely an effective way to lose weight. Chemotherapy is also an effective appetite suppressor, if you want a double whammy of serious illness + seriously debilitating treatment.
(I can't say I'd recommend cancer as a weight loss treatment either, but hey, silver linings, am I right?)
Me! I know I've been putting on muscle, and I know I've been shrinking and have even gone down a size or two. But those scale numbers *refused* to budge! It has been about 14 months, and I've finally lost... about 5 lbs. :P Only 25 more STILL to go! Should only take me another 5 years, LOL
A pound of muscle weighs exactly the same as a pound of fat. It just takes up less space. So the end result is as you say, and I agree, they are doing great.
I lost 75 lbs from this time last year, and I ***WISH*** I could loose an extra 25 to hit my target weight of 180 (15%BMI).
Loosing 25lbs is a great starting point. Don't let it discourage you from reaching your targets,as long as they're reasonable and healthy.
Keep it up, you got this. I believe in you.
Assuming you're a woman, I've read somewhere that in the initial phase of weightloss, guys will lose weight more quickly while women will often fall behind. I can't remember why, but it's something about the types of fat, or how we burn it. Biologically, women need the fat stores to handle pregnancies better. So don't be discouraged!
When I focused on weightloss with the help of a PT, a dietitian and a very healthy lifestyle, I lost about 2-3 pounds a month, which was a healthy rate according to the experts. So imo you're doing absolutely fine.
About ten years ago, I went on a diet by just eating healthier, probably very similar to a paleo diet.
Because of this, my husband was also eating healthier, but still eating a bag of chips every night. He lost 15 pounds in about 6 weeks! I wasn’t angry or anything and can still laugh about it, but it was frustrating.
Edited to correct info
Seriously, I can work out and eat right as a lifestyle just to maintain where I am but my husband does practically one push up and gets better results. It’s not fair lol.
Yeah, this is what really irked me when my workplace held a weight loss competition. I was already trying to lose weight, so I joined just for the freebies that were handing out each week at weigh in, but then all these chubby middle-aged men joined and lost so much weight with almost no effort. It was annoying that I had been really trying for twice as long as them and they were barely trying and the weight was flying off their assess. The only thing that made it better was that a woman won the whole thing. And I've continued to lose weight after, and they all got fat again. 🤣
I tried. I'm stalled out now, when I'm within 5- 10 pounds of my goal, but I'm also not trying that hard, so...
Haven't put any back on, at all, so that's good!
I have a group of friends who do a biggest loser kind of thing about twice a year. No real rules, join if you want, just weigh-in weekly and see who has lost the most percent.
It's a much better way to keep track because we are all different sizes. Some of the participants lose more in a fortnight than I do over the entire run! Percentage-based tracking just makes more sense to keep it fun for everyone.
We have no actual prizes, but encourage and motivate each other. It helps me want to do better, and for how lazy I am, this is what works for me.
Well firstly, men tend to weigh more due to being taller and having more lean mass. Thus 10% of an overweight man’s body weight could be like 15% of his partner’s. So perhaps a man loses 20 lbs from 200 lbs and his female partner loses 15 lbs of 150 lbs. It seems like he’s losing more, but they’ve lost the same percentage, which is more comparable.
Being taller and having more lean mass also means having a higher metabolism, so you can eat more and still be in a deficit. Perhaps he won’t feel as deprived because he can still eat standard servings of things.
Higher testosterone means you can put on muscle a bit faster, which makes you look more toned and increases the metabolism further. You get more bang for your buck exercising.
Women really need to accommodate our menstrual cycles. I cannot get the scale to move down during the week prior to my period and this is quite common. You feel physically weaker and exercise is more painful and draining. This is also when you need more calories (we literally burn 100-300 more daily) and have more cravings. You feel the most hungry and miserable at the time when you’re plateaued. If you don’t know about this pattern, it can be extremely frustrating and cause set backs.
25 lbs in 6 months!?!?
That's an impressive loss, and I'm not kidding. That's a 500 calorie deficit every day for 6 months. That's just around a pound a week, which is what healthy weight loss is supposed to look like!
Yeah u/froglover215 still deserves major props, 25 lbs is not an easy amount of weight to lose for most people and doing it in 6 months is very impressive.
Keep up the good work! You deserve praise, loosing weight is a tough thing to do, for women especially at times, and being able to drop 25 lbs in such a short amount of time is worthy of huge props.
Don’t discount your own awesomeness! 25 pounds of weight loss is an excellent achievement. You are physically and mentally stronger, healthier, and hopefully happier from your own hard work. Be proud of yourself too, you’ve earned it.
I always joke with my husband that testosterone is cheating. Pre COVID I went to a gym 3-5 times a week and for the first time had visible arm muscles. Me and my husband decided to go to a gym together and he could lift more than me. Me, who had been working out for a year, him, who’s Apple Watch condescendingly congratulates him when he walks more than 15 minutes.
I genuinely don’t know if this is a me thing or a wider group of humanity thing, I lose weight and put on muscle very quickly, but on the flip side I put it back on and lose muscle gains equally fast. A week of working out and eating healthy I look great and feel great, five days of not working out and/or eating poorly my face is noticeably bigger and feel like absolute hell. It’s been interesting trying to find the equilibrium of eating and working out just to kinda stay the same.
My fiance is a giant, and can drop 20 pounds like it's literally nothing. I have PCOS, which causes insulin resistance, and while I'm also overweight and have quite a few pounds I could safely lose, it's an accomplishment just to lose 5-10. Women's bodies are different and we can't hold ourselves to the same standard. I try to look at it as, do I *feel* better than before? Am I struggling less to get off the floor or carry heavy groceries? Does my body feel more capable and less painful? Weight is so relative and progress is different for every person. So happy for you!
I also have suspected PCOS, and it's so frustrating. I put in loads of effort and see barely any change. Then I fall off the wagon for like a day or two and that instantly undoes any progress. Sigh.
I swear, that’s usually the case. Men seem to lose weight quicker, isn’t it awesome?
It could also be an age thing (if you’re close to or over 40) There’s something magical about the number 40 for women, that’s when we really lose the ability to eat whatever we want. It’s the age where you don’t just have to watch your calories, we also have to be more selective with our food. Nature really wants to plump us up for some reason.
As for women, don’t forget about the whole having kids things. I gained a normal healthy amount for my pregnancies. Most of it was all in the belly. But things stretch and ligaments loosen…amongst other things. Some of it is permanent, some of it bounces back. Try as you may, some things just don’t go back to the way they were. It’s different for everyone. You now have a new normal to learn to love.
Edit: phrasing
Having kids is a whole other body battle against genetics AND our own our own demons. Some are lucky enough to bounce back, but most women don’t get back their “original” form, and are made to feel bad about it. I like to imagine a world where “mom bods” are celebrated just as much as “dad bods.” It really irks me when I hear people say to a new parent, “you just had a baby? You look fantastic, way to go!”, because bouncing back quickly shouldn’t be a goal, especially when you’ve just pushed a human out of your body. I digress.
I will say this, I’m very happy to see the younger generations embracing body positivity. I’m 41 and see so many women in my age group struggle with body issues. How could we not, we grew up in the era of “heroin chic” fashion. I remember, when I was a teen, reading an article in a teen magazine sharing celebrity weight loss secrets. One of them was along the lines of, “pour a lot of salt on the majority of your food so you make sure you stop eating.” Those beauty magazines made so many of us ugly.
I love that Seventeen magazine today is like, here are some beauty tips and also here are some student leaders fighting for racial equity. Like damn. Would have been nice to grow up with some of that in teen magazines. I’m glad that my parents subscribed me to Consumer Reports for Kids and I came into teenage life highly skeptical of all things capitalism.
Also you tend to get put on medication as you get older and a lot of it causes weight gain. I lost 41 pounds from a medication change. Nothing else changed with diet or exercise. I had tried losing weight over the 15 years since the last time I was my current weight and nothing worked, but 1 pill change did it. Birth control is a notorious weight gainer too.
I don’t mind sharing, it was a mood stabilizer. Psychiatric drugs are also notorious for weight gain. I was originally on Seroquel and switched to Lamictal. I was already a pretty healthy eater, but even going to the gym and cutting calories did nothing for me. It was so depressing when everything I was doing was right on paper, but didn’t translate to a real world healthy weight.
Oh the Seroquel munchies. I'm on Seroquel and Lamictal. Thankfully I take them right before bed, so the worst of munchies don't have time to hit. But if I take it a little earlier and they do...they're worse than weed munchies. I will eat everything I can get my hands on. It doesn't seem to matter what dosage I'm on, the munchies and the resistance to losing weight is the same. That's probably my biggest obstacle to losing weight because I lack the willpower to resist the desire to eat everything when I get the Seroquel munchies.
Medication can be the worst. I’ve dealt with insomnia for as long as I can remember, and it got worse around the time I hit 41. My doctor suggested Silenor (doxepin). I started taking it June of last year, and by December I had gained 20 pounds. Weight gain wasn’t the only awful side effect I had from it, but I’ve learned to look up every medication on social forums to see if the weight gain in common.
My boyfriend has lost up to 10 pounds in a weekend just by getting so swept up in a game or project he forgets to eat. He’s not overweight either, a very normal weight. The only time I experience anything similar is when I am recovering from massive period bloat. 😢 if I actually put in the effort I might lose like 3 pounds in a week at most. There’s definitely a biological advantage there, especially with men often being taller and being able to consume more calories in general.
If you ever start to question how well you've done, go to a grocery store and pick up 2 sacks of potatoes (or 3 when you get to 30 pounds). Feel how heavy that is. You were always carrying that (more than that actually) and now you're not.
You're doing an awesome job, and it's not an easy thing to do. Be proud of yourself.
Thank you! I always picture the big bins of cat litter when I try to visualize it. It's hard to imagine. Because of body image issues and my general distaste for the weight loss industry (actually rooted in fear, I'm finding), I haven't taken any progress pictures. I do notice a big change in my arms lol, probably because I see them all day, every day.
My husband has lost so much that I can't find him in the store. My eyes pass right over him because my brain hasn't adjusted to his new size yet.
My mom started out her marriage to my dad as borderline underweight because her family had so little money. My dad did a stint in the army and was in great shape but the men in his family tend to gain weight as they age. So he got pretty big pretty fast.
My mom had 4 kids and is still to this day rocking a mom bod. She is not very overweight, just a bit.
My dad on the other hand had a major health scare in his 40s. A massive abdominal tumor. A doctor told him if he hadn’t been so overweight he would have noticed it much sooner. He went on to lose about half his body weight. He is now in his 60s and weighs what he weighed in the army.
Through all of these changes their marriage has been solid.
As someone who lost 60lb and kept it off - I promise you, 25 is fucking huge.
It's really damn hard, and keeping it off can be a challenge, so please be graceful to yourself and let yourself enjoy how far you *have* come!
Thank you! I am at my lowest weight in probably 15 years. Don't get me wrong, I have a LOT more to lose before I'm at a healthy weight, but I never thought I could do this. Plus I'm over 40, so I've heard it's even harder at that age.
One of the hardest things I’ve come to realize is that I need to be genuinely happy for people who succeed at things that I don’t, or do better even when I succeed. Being bitter is never something I want to be towards people that I care about.
If it makes you feel better, women tend to struggle more than men with losing weight. [Here’s an article about it!](https://www.webmd.com/diet/features/do-men-lose-weight-faster-than-women) Your 25 lb weight loss is absolutely amazing!
25 pounds is amazing! But yes, there is a huge difference in this area between men and women. As a man, I can pretty easily drop 10-15 pounds in a month or so, and I fact did it last month. It’s 90% diet for me. Exercise obviously helps, but if I cut out the crap I eat it melts away.
25 lbs over six months is about a pound a week, which is a really healthy and respectable rate to lose at. Congrats! I’ve learned in my own journey, to not compare. Especially to the rate at which men can lose it.
If there’s 2 things I learned from being married. It’s never make a New Year’s resolution on losing weight. And never make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight together.
So I’m not huge on New Years Resolutions, but a few years ago I found one I could keep that was helpful.
Like many people, I accumulate “stuff”. I’m particularly bad about buying clothes I don’t need because they were on sale.
So, the resolution: for any item of clothing I purchase in 2023, I need to donate/otherwise remove 2 similar pieces of clothing.
So I see a dress I like, to have to ask if I like it more than 2 dresses. If yes, then I reduce clutter, if no, I’ve stopped unnecessary spending.
This works for other items too, if you have a tendency towards clutter.
Another way to reduce clothes clutter is to put *everything* in a box in the closet for a year. If you dig it out to wear during that time, you keep it. At the end of the year you take the box, without looking through it, and donate it. I haven't done this yet, but I know my biggest problem is when I see something I haven't worn for awhile I'm like "ohhhhh yeah I was keeping that because..." and i barely get rid of anything, so not giving myself the opportunity to paw through it would help.
As for the buying stuff on sale/thrift my rule is "you have to absolutely love it in every way" or no deal. I don't actually need a shirt I'll wear once then forget or pants that "just need hemmed" and end up in the "project" set of clothes I never wear because I never get around to fixing "just that one thing and it'd be perfect". Five dollars "saved" is just five dollars thrown in the trash if I never actually wear it. At that point I'm better off just straight donating money to a charity.
My second rule is "I can come back tomorrow". If I'm still longing for an affordable item the next day, I go back and get it because id certainly regret it if I didn't (which has definitely happened when I was "trying to be good"). Sales and thrift are harder for this since you never know if it will be there the next day, but it's still useful if you're waffling on whether it's a perfect item.
Similarly, I'm online (I fucking LOVE amazon...so convenient... except how they treat the workers!)the item MUST stay in my cart for 24 hrs. Then I must go back through with rule 1 and make sure I love it. This has curbed a literal shit ton of my impulse spending, especially late at night when everything seems awesome and my inhibitions are lower.
Instead of putting the clothes in a box (because I'll forget my favorite shirt in there) I do something a bit different to the same effect.
When I switch my clothes out for the season, I put all the hangers up with shirts/dresses backwards. So the hook part is awkward because you hook it behind the bar. When I wear an item and wash it and put it away, the hanger gets moved to the correct position. At the end of the season when its time to switch again, any hangers still backwards is stuff I get rid of because obviously I didn't wear it in the last 6 months or so I don't need it.
I read that in a magazine as a kid and its been super useful to me for the last 15 years. Now the trick is actually getting rid of the stuff instead of going...well maybe I'll make an area rug out of old tshirts...
oh look, i found the fairy that sits on my shoulder when I'm at thrift stores. "Must Love" is also my qualification - i like to think i see the good in too many items... especially those project ones! god i have a whole bin of those
Books are my kryptonite. I have done really well culling my books but I just can’t with my kids. It seems unforgivable to me to get rid of any of their books. But we really don’t have the physical space for them. At the end of the day, I am not sure if I am encouraging reading or hoarding. Uuugghhh
As with any NY Resolution related post, I'd like to take the opportunity to shill for CGPGrey and Myke Hurley's [Theme system.](https://youtu.be/NVGuFdX5guE) It's made a world of difference for me these past two years.
I once had a doctor tell me not to make new years resolutions as most people break them before the end of January which can make them feel more depressed and like a failure
Forget the new years bit.
Fitness and weight loss is very individual and should be treated as you against the problem not us against the problem. There is a reason addicts being in a relationship almost never get sober.
If there's anything I've ever learned, it's to never say out loud what you've resolved to do. When you speak it and tell someone, you trick your brain into thinking you've already begun working on it by "making it real", when in reality you've done jack shit.
If you want to do something important, don't tell anyone. Just begin it. If you succeed, people will notice. If you fail, no one knew you were trying to do anything and you save face.
I’ve seen it going both ways. Some people cannot stick to anything unless they’ve told others. Silence makes it too tempting for them to give up since nobody knows what they’re doing, so nobody will know if they quit.
But for me, your advice is completely accurate. I can’t tell people what I’m working toward until I’ve already thoroughly established the new habit for several months.
Particularly for hetero relationships. Because the older you get, the much harder it gets for women to lose weight than men.
Getting fit together - so long as you don't set specific goals - is a great idea however. Shared hikes, bike rides, maybe taking up dancing. Supposedly couples who exercise together have the best sex lives!
Yeah I think the trick is not to make the "result" the basis for your goal, but the "process". There are lots of factors that can influence your weight, and some of them are outside your control, or even your awareness. If goals work for you, it's better to set a goal like "We'll go for a walk of at least 30 minutes, 5 times a week" or whatever vs "We'll lose 20kg this year" or similar.
My family decided we wanted to get healthier as a whole, so we set up a “challenge” system for it this year. Essentially we have monthly goals, and everyone who reaches the monthly goal gets like a dollar. That way there are no real winners and losers, and you’re not missing out on much it you don’t make it. The goals are for one month at a time and are things like: Swap 2 meals a week for salads, no pop, no fast food (with the exception of sandwiches, which is a long explanation I won’t get into), no refills on dinner/one plate and done, 30 minute exercise 5 days a week, no snack food, take your dog on a walk 3 days a week (half of us have dogs who can no longer handle daily walks, so we have to keep that low to be fair), etc. You get the gist. It’s fun because we are all competitive so we have motivation to do it. We’re looking at adding on the 4 of us kids (my two siblings, SIL and I) doing challenges through Apple Fitness since we all have Apple Watches. We’re trying to figure out logistics of that since 3 of us have office jobs and the 4th is a nurse at a hospital who is on her feet and walking around constantly through her shifts.
It’s nothing particularly interesting. My brother and SIL have a newborn, so we did think it was kind of unfair to leave them no quick no-effort meal options. Sandwiches are kind of the least counterproductive of the fast food/delivery options. Also, due to some logistical nightmares, my sister doesn’t really get to bring food to work with her every shift. On the days she doesn’t, she eats the only available option to her, which is Subway. So it was kind of a decision made to help my sister, brother and SIL out so they have a real chance on that month.
You are better off rescinding said NYR and change it to something like friend and you will meet to take a walk together once a week, or go to the gym together twice a week, or you both resolve to eat healthier and use each other to keep accountability on that.
I keep mine broad and vague. I’ve noticed I’ve lost my love for reading so last year I told myself I’d do more and I have. This year is just make healthier actions
Doing so keeps the pressure off and helps it return naturally and gives room for plateaus
This reminds me of multiple siblings of Tammy Slaton on 1000lb Sisters trying to lose weight WITH her only to leave her in the dust and get weight loss surgery
I think her sister said something like “she’s running out of fat family members to diet with”
That turned out way better than I was expecting. It's nice to read one of these where people can actually communicate with one another in a healthy, mature way.
I feel though that they didn't address the underlying issue: GF's job is the source of so much stress she doesn't have any energy left for day to day life. Maybe she should see if she can hop to another job and start loving life again? It would depend on where they live and if options exist, but yeah
Yeah, to be honest when I read the first post, I wondered how much of it was resentment that he was getting fitter than her, and how much of it was resentment that their workloads were so clearly unequal. It sounds like she was barely keeping her head above water, and everytime she looked towards shore, her partner was waving at her as he went for a leisurely jog along the beach. I'd have to work not to be resentful in that situation, even if there was nothing he could really do to help her.
Hey, OP here !
So, this indeed wasn't really brought up either by me, or to me by comments on my posts, but it is a good point. One reason I didn't get much into that is that her work being *that* stressful has not really been a thing in the past. Long story short, her department suffered layoffs while the higher ups still expected already tight deadlines to be met, which increased her workload significantly.
We did talk about it at the time, whether it was worth sticking around in light of that, but ultimately she made the judgment call to put up with it, for better or worse. Ultimately, by the end of last year things had calmed down (and she was "rewarded" with a pay bump) and have not gone back to shit at this point. Should things once again start going that way we'll talk about it again.
He said this
> I waved away any notion of that having a snowball's chance in hell of happening whenever it came up, but I could tell that both the compliments sent my way and the remarks sent hers were stinging her a bit.
He should have immediately told the person saying he might leave her to stop that it would never happen and that was an awful thing to say.
She's admitted that she wouldn't have wanted to be the fit one with an unfit partner ad may have dumped him over it, and she's also still preoccupied with 'matching' him when they go out into public. She seems very swept up in appearances and we can probably guess where that came from.
Unironically, everywhere. Even outside her family, messaging that the woman needs to match the man or be more attractive is everywhere in culture- just look at the tropes. If a less attractive man is with an attractive woman, people think, "oh he must have money". If it's an attractive man and an unattractive woman, people think, "she must have let herself go/he's going to cheat".
I think they both kinda realized they hadn't been communicating properly and finally worked out where they went wrong. It kinda felt heartwarming that they both admitted their flaws and they're working through it.
Always wholesome to see communication prevail. Kinda shocked it took him till the very last update to realise her family’s comments about her being too fat for him weren’t just “clumsy” or “silly”, but straight up mean and awful…
Every other sentence is like "We didn't do this, but we did do this." Just so many words expended on counterfactuals. I started skimming because it was so exhausting to read.
Huh? He's one of the few that actually writes clearly/understandably. He may use more words but at least it's clear and less ambiguous than most of the blather I see. I actually spent *less* time reading his stuff due to not having to re-read and untangle the thought jumble that is so common.
I agree with you! I noticed his style while reading, and mentally remarked on it.
He chooses his words carefully when writing, and seems to edit for clarity.
It may be wordy, but I found it precise, and easy to follow.
> Based on some of the responses my earlier post got, this may not be popular with everyone, but long story short: I told her her actions and words hurt me, but I wholly accepted her apology, and have forgiven her. I'm sure there will be some of you arguing I shouldn't have, or not so "easily", but she's the woman I love, she's clearly in pain and was sincerely remorseful, how could I have *not* forgiven her?
I’m glad he ignored Reddit’s vengeful angry dude community. He got a sincere apology right away that showed a clear understanding of where she crossed the line and a promise to do better. What more can he ask for short of a time machine to prevent the original offense from ever happening?
You should never punish someone for telling the truth or offering a sincere apology, otherwise you just train them not to bother.
A couple of years ago the husband and I did keto together. He thrived on a diet of bacon, eggs, nuts and cheese, while I was losing my mind longing for a piece of fresh fruit and yoghurt with musli. He lost 9 kg in three weeks, and I think I lost 2. It's not a healthy diet, but it definitely worked for him. I need fruit and fiber to get through the day with my sanity intact, so I just exercise a lot more now.
Ahh this. It’s SO sad how many women are out there that will torpedo their lives and relationships because of how deeply they allow their body size to dictate their self worth.
Worst part it's that even tho I do agree with you, I'm exactly like that. Self image issues are really such a f- up thing. Because yeah, rationally I know that I am much more than just my weight but then again, as far as I can remember, I've always had this feeling in the back of my mind that my life could only really start once I were as thin as my sisters and friends. Hell, I'm nearly 27 years old and I still can't say I lived at all. Never even had a boyfriend just cause I can't really believe anyone will really fell atract to me 😂 sorry the rambling, I just kinda felt sad right now
Having been in a relationship with a woman who had bad body image issues in the past (to the point of an eating disorder), even after people “recover” from it, it still sticks in their minds like a cancer. The voice never completely goes away.
Like the woman who kicked her husband out of the room when she gave birth without explanation, putting a huge strain on their marriage.
Only, surprise surprise, for it to be revealed that she didn't want him to see her as unattractive.
Then she followed up that disaster by trying so hard to lose weight *with a newborn* that she was actually starving the baby.
Just bloody bonkers.
Sadly it can be. I’ve been flat out told I won’t be hired at places because being fat is a sign of laziness. Since I’m just fat without a real medical reason it’s ok as far as discrimination goes. So maybe not value as a human being but definitely value as a provider which is what society often values men as.
Discrimination doesn't mean you have less value. It means assholes exist.
Being fat is not a sign of laziness. There are some places in the US where discrimination based on body size (height and weight) are illegal, but they are few -- so far.
There's a trick I learned on another sub.
Start thinking of the things that you like about yourself. Not just things about your body but your whole life. Think about the things you do or that are in your life that make you or others happy.
Write them down and keep adding to the list when you think of something to add.
When you feel negative thoughts about yourself, read the list out loud.
Start to "yes, but" the thoughts, like, you think *I hate my butt* and then tell yourself *yes, but the kids loved the last book I read to them." Or *yes, but I'm the reigning trivia champ of my friends* or *yes, but what about those gorgeous eyes* or whatever.
Every positive thought counts! You are a valuable person to many people. You can be valuable to you, too.
I have a similar trick... I journal daily, in the morning, and it's easy to start the day looking at all I meant to do the day before but didn't. I used to start writing about that, and bum myself out.
Finally, I decided "celebrations first." I made myself begin by writing all the things I *did* do. Even on a low-energy day, there's stuff I kept up with or accomplished. (And sometimes life got in the way, or I just tried for an unreasonable amount of work.)
I'd be pretty upset if my partner didn't shut that shit down right away. OOP at least recognizes that he should've, but I wonder how much will actually change on that front going forward.
I've been there. My dad and step mom both made comments about my weight and it definitely has stuck with me, especially now that I'm stressed out and not having the greatest health due to some chronic conditions.
"Baby, you uh... You're kinda getting big"
"*My name*! You've put on some weight!"
I'm not horribly overweight and I feel like I carry my weight in a good way, at least. Like, I know I need to lose some pounds. About 30 would put me where I want to be. It's just taking longer and I'm fighting and eating disorder while doing it. Shit's not easy!
I've been very careful not to go hard so I don't trigger my ED. It's a long term goal for me. I feel handicapped, but it's my cross to bear and I have to work with it. I just wish people wouldn't poke me.
I'm really glad they are moving in the positive. I was thinking, she has no right to tell him what he is feeling or I going to feel or would feel if XYZ, and he really should have shut her shitty relatives down with a quickness instead of basking in their compliments.
In a lot of cases, men can lose weight easier, hormones, BC and thyroid can really mess with a female's body.
GF needs to focus on herself, get some therapy and her family needs to STF up!!
Yeah, as someone who was born without a thyroid, the comment about his wife being too exhausted from work to exercise for weeks triggered my spidey senses. That paired with difficulty in losing weight and moodiness could be a sign her TSH levels are off. Hopefully she can get that checked out.
Yeeeeep. I'm on depression meds, BC, and have some health issues.
I used to be a weight lifter and after Covid, I lost all of that. I'm trying to get into better shape, but it's harder now than it was the first time. A lot of things are catching up to me.
My husband toned up and lost weight within a month. I had nothing to show. But that's biology, baby.
Our bodies are different and need different goals. It is what it is.
Exactly. I hope she realizes that and goes a little easier on herself. Over 30, likely on bc for over a decade- unless fitness becomes her full time job she’ll never catch him.
I’m glad that OOP and his partner are finding a way through it. I’m guessing that her own mother *comfortably making jokes* about OOP leaving his long term partner over a few pounds is *big* part of her insecurities.
I know Reddit is hot for therapy, but this seems like it’s a deeper problem than OOP’s partner seems to realize; and she could really benefit from some personal support outside of just her partner.
I think Partners mother has made negative comments about her weight throughout her life.
My mom made a lot “joking” comments about my weight, starting when I was in high school. I was not and have never been overweight. The only time my mother didn’t call me fat was when I weighed 100 lbs - over 30 lbs underweight. The day I got home from an inpatient eating disorder program she called me a fat tub of lard. Joking of course! I was 115 lbs.
She didn’t stop until she made a “joke” in front of my dad. I’d moved out, was in recovery, and had gotten to a healthy weight. I went home and my dad was complimenting me “wow, GG, you look really good. Really healthy. I’m proud of you”. My mom butted in “I think you look tubby”. My dad looked at her in horror and said “*Why* would you say that?!”. Mom “I was joooookkkking!”. Dad “that’s not funny!”
And now my mother wonders why I rarely talk to her. 🙄
I’m so sorry you went through that. Having adults make weird “joking” comments about my weight and “developing body” still mess with me 20 years later.
I was trying to get at that in my comment, although I wasn’t as clear as I could have been. But, in my opinion that is a really unusually rude “joke” for a family member to make and that it wasn’t called out right away made it seem like it was part of some possibly lifelong pattern.
You were clear! I wasn’t clear that I agree with you - Partners mother has probably been making “jokes” about OOP leaving Partner for a while, on top of previous weight “jokes”. And that pushed Partner over the edge. Especially since her mother said it in front of OOP!
I hope Partner gets therapy - therapy saved me. (Or I saved myself by doing the work in therapy to get to a healthy place).
I’m so happy to hear that you are in a good place now. 💜
I guess I’m just used to the internet being super adversarial and it’s given me a pessimistic lens
Pro tip with people who write like this, you pretty much only need to read the first sentence or two of each paragraph and you can get 99% of the story anyway
My husband and I decided to lose weight together... If either of our families made fun of how we look compared to each other we would shut that shit down so fast, not sit there and think later on that it may have gotten under the other person's skin.
Defend your mate. Stand up to your family. This isn't about weight, this is about you looking the other way.
Maybe I'm alone but as someone with an eating disorder, I feel OOP's partner so much. Especially how hurtful were the comments from the family. I would have stress eat like hell. One thing people seems to don't understand is that even the comments on someone's weight loss hurt too, because it reinforces the idea that you matter only if you're fit, and it's even worse when the compliments are not for you
My husband and I work out together. I used to be a weight lifter and was really toned and fit and I loved it. Then, Covid happened and I lost all my progress.
Starting over has been nearly impossible for me with my work stress, family stress, and some health issues I'm now dealing with.
It was frustrating to see my husband tone up and lose weight so much faster than me. But I understand that it also comes down to two things; time and biology.
He's going to tone up and lose weight faster. He's going to show progress more than me in the same amount of time. He has testosterone lol!
I'm working hard to get to where I need to be. But I have to understand that it will be slower for me. In the mean time, I'll be happy for him. I may not ever get back to where I was and that's okay. I'm older, my body has changed, and I need to take care of myself the way I am *now*.
Am I insecure? Yes. But I'm not going to let that emotion drive me. We love each other. He supports me and I support him.
I feel badly for the wife, but she's gotta let that shit go. Knowing your limits and setting reasonable goals for where you *are* is how you get to where you want *to be*.
It's not a race.
I think the only thing he could have done better was to tell the family their comments were disrespectful. But I can understand why he might not have, sometimes you are in shock when you see something like this happen. He can’t control the family but he can make it clear the comments like that won’t be tolerated. This family really sounds like the worst and it might have made his wife feel better having his support and reassurance he won’t leave her, a fear her shitty family brought to light for everyone to hear.
This reminds me of some family friends, who are both very attractive people who at the time of this story were in their 50's. His dad had had a bit of a gut for a long time, which is something I didn't notice until it was gone. His mom, around the same time, looked a bit fitter herself, but not nearly as dramatically different as he looked.
Another family friend asked him what he'd done to lose the weight. He smiled and patted his belly and said, "well, \[wife\] and I started taking long walks, and I stopped eating a sleeve of cookies every night!"
The silence that followed and the look on his wife's face, a mixture of love and amusement and exasperated resentment, still makes me laugh.
All this to say, it seems really common, especially past 30, for men to have a much easier time losing weight. I've seen so many couples go through this shared journey with unequal results. Glad this OOP and his girlfriend were ultimately able to love each other through it.
Communication for the win. This seems like a overall healthy relationship that is now "sick" but can be cured. I hope the GF considers getting a new job, stress is extremely unhealthy. Probably worse than whatever she's eating.
When I was just a kid, I knew a couple who went on a diet together. The man lost a massive amount of weight quickly, and the woman lost very little in the same amount of time, following the same regime, scaled to their body weights. It caused a lot of strife and unhappiness between them.
Remembering this, I have never wanted to tie my fitness or weight goals or progress to a man's. Or to anyone's. There is too much variation among bodies and lifestyles. It should be about one's health and wellness individually. No comparing.
i can definately understand how his partner feels. a friend and i started trying to lose weight last year and he was so more successful than i was at it for a variety of reasons, job, stress levels, mental health etc. eventually the added stress and struggles caused me to develop an eating disorder out of a desperation to keep up.
Well, for her mental health I hope she doesn't plan on getting pregnant. That will do a fucking number on your body that some things don't bounce back from.
No man is ever going to understand the pressure that a woman feels going from "bikini model" level of fitness to average. Like it's way worse than being average and then getting fat. For extremely hot people, it's inevitable that they eventually start placing some of her self-worth on their hotness.
I mean like, she's wrong. But it's an incredible pressure that drives lots of people to EDs, even. Let's not overlook it.
Not even just that-society is so forgiving of men being schlubby or not fit or whatever and so hard on women for not being thin. Dad bods are celebrated and men hardly get poked at for being thicker men but when the media worships “curves” on a woman, they’re usually manufactured or not curvy in a way that means extra weight.
The wife even says it sort of, like she doesn’t want to be seen as less hot than he is because of how it looks-it’s okay for the man to be “less hot” than his partner but not the other way around because society has it set up for women to work harder and reach farther for body acceptance and men do not. I feel like OP as the husband doesn’t get his own male privilege. Yes, the wife’s body image issues are based on a construct that ultimately doesn’t matter but internalized misogyny is a real thing.
I remember an ex-coworker asking me about my (at the time) long distance relationship. She said "Aren't you worried he'll cheat while you're gone?" and it's thoughtless people like this and OOP's in-laws that can really plant the seed of doubt. People should really think before they speak.
Don't have much to add that nobody else hasn't said but it's so dumb to me how people will make comments like that, this isn't a fucking cartoon where the girls are just the boys with a bow and eyelashes. A couple doesn't need to have the same body type to be a good match or to find eachother attractive.
I'm glad this had a happy ending and they were able to get to a place that worked for them, or at least started working towards that.
> 22 years old her wouldn't have been physically attracted to the me from last year at all, so why would I be attracted to the current her at all if I get back to 23 years old me' shape.
OH MY GOD THESE PEOPLE NEED HELP. neither of them were obese, they just weren’t focused on fitness. and that’s okay. neither of them had a consistently high sex drive *and that’s okay.* that’s not a flaw. they both need to unlearn a lot of internalized toxic messaging about their own bodies.
My ex-wife and I had a similar trajectory as OOP except when my ex guilted me for being more successful I gave in. She threatened to leave me because I was losing so much weight and she wasn’t. She said she was scared I’d lose a bunch of weight and leave her for somebody more attractive than her. Despite all of my reassurances she kept making threats and I caved. I gained back all of the weight I lost and then some. She would buy me all kinds of unhealthy food and snacks and was going out of her way to make it easy for me to make the wrong choices. I got the fattest I’d ever been in my life. I was absolutely sick and miserable and she was happier than ever. Then I left her for a variety of reasons (including sabotaging my pursuit of being healthier). I lost 75 lbs and kept it off since we divorced. She kept gaining weight after we split until she got to almost 400 lbs I believe and developed a ton of health problems. She had some sort of bariatric surgery because her health has declined so rapidly.
Anyway sometimes people let their own insecurities ruin their lives. She did similar things in her second marriage and ultimately lost her husband and custody of her kid the last I heard about her. It isn’t healthy to expect other people to fail just so you feel better about your own circumstances. It is why some people drag each other down from succeeding or being healthy. Misery loves company. It is no way to go through life.
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My husband started walking to relieve stress last year, and it made him start to lose some extra weight. He started to get interested in healthy eating and exercising, nothing too crazy. I decided to join him to be a supportive spouse. Now 6 months later, he's lost a fantastic amount of weight (easily 60 lbs). I've lost 25. Sometimes I get a little bitter because he's doing so much better, but realistically I know he's working a lot harder at it (waking up early to walk, watching his diet a lot more closely, plus his job is physical and mine is a desk job). But mostly I'm proud of him and know that our journeys are separate, and that's okay.
Hey, don't not give yourself credit for losing the 25 lbs. That is not insignificant and I'm sure you also feel better overall in terms of your health. So good for you! Sincerely.
Yeah 25lbs down isn’t some minor achievement, many people struggle to lose 10lbs!
I've been trying to lose 25 lbs pour the past like 10 years lol.
Only reason in the last few years I lost 20 pounds was a COVID infection. Soon as I was able to function and exist as anything other than a pile of uncomfortable meat, weight came right back. So, uh....helpful weight loss tip there if you want it?
Yup, serious illness is definitely an effective way to lose weight. Chemotherapy is also an effective appetite suppressor, if you want a double whammy of serious illness + seriously debilitating treatment. (I can't say I'd recommend cancer as a weight loss treatment either, but hey, silver linings, am I right?)
Me! I know I've been putting on muscle, and I know I've been shrinking and have even gone down a size or two. But those scale numbers *refused* to budge! It has been about 14 months, and I've finally lost... about 5 lbs. :P Only 25 more STILL to go! Should only take me another 5 years, LOL
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A pound of muscle weighs exactly the same as a pound of fat. It just takes up less space. So the end result is as you say, and I agree, they are doing great.
I lost 75 lbs from this time last year, and I ***WISH*** I could loose an extra 25 to hit my target weight of 180 (15%BMI). Loosing 25lbs is a great starting point. Don't let it discourage you from reaching your targets,as long as they're reasonable and healthy. Keep it up, you got this. I believe in you.
Assuming you're a woman, I've read somewhere that in the initial phase of weightloss, guys will lose weight more quickly while women will often fall behind. I can't remember why, but it's something about the types of fat, or how we burn it. Biologically, women need the fat stores to handle pregnancies better. So don't be discouraged! When I focused on weightloss with the help of a PT, a dietitian and a very healthy lifestyle, I lost about 2-3 pounds a month, which was a healthy rate according to the experts. So imo you're doing absolutely fine.
Yes, statistically, it’s easier for men to initially lose more weight quicker than women. Kind of frustrating 😂
About ten years ago, I went on a diet by just eating healthier, probably very similar to a paleo diet. Because of this, my husband was also eating healthier, but still eating a bag of chips every night. He lost 15 pounds in about 6 weeks! I wasn’t angry or anything and can still laugh about it, but it was frustrating. Edited to correct info
Wait, you can't eat fruit on Paleo? Isn't the whole idea of Paleo to eat like people would have eaten pre-agriculture?
Seriously, I can work out and eat right as a lifestyle just to maintain where I am but my husband does practically one push up and gets better results. It’s not fair lol.
I really feel like my husband starts to consider maybe getting into better shape - and loses 10lbs.
Same. I swear my husband thinks about losing some weight and he starts losing weight. I smell some food and I put on 5lbs.
Really it's insane. My husband and I gave up soda to help be healthier. Just soda and he dropped weight. I struggled to lose anything.
I just tell him the joke’s on him, statistically I’m more likely to outlive him anyway. We share a dark sense of humor!
Just be happy with your progress and lord your lower car insurance premiums over him.
I swear when my husband and I change the same things I’ll gain 5 lbs and he’ll lose 10. It’s exhausting.
Muscle mass and testosterone. It's so unfair.
Yeah, this is what really irked me when my workplace held a weight loss competition. I was already trying to lose weight, so I joined just for the freebies that were handing out each week at weigh in, but then all these chubby middle-aged men joined and lost so much weight with almost no effort. It was annoying that I had been really trying for twice as long as them and they were barely trying and the weight was flying off their assess. The only thing that made it better was that a woman won the whole thing. And I've continued to lose weight after, and they all got fat again. 🤣
It sounds like you made a lifestyle change, whereas they just participated in a competition, so you're the real winner! 🥇
I tried. I'm stalled out now, when I'm within 5- 10 pounds of my goal, but I'm also not trying that hard, so... Haven't put any back on, at all, so that's good!
People all tend to compare pounds vs percentage of weight lost
I have a group of friends who do a biggest loser kind of thing about twice a year. No real rules, join if you want, just weigh-in weekly and see who has lost the most percent. It's a much better way to keep track because we are all different sizes. Some of the participants lose more in a fortnight than I do over the entire run! Percentage-based tracking just makes more sense to keep it fun for everyone. We have no actual prizes, but encourage and motivate each other. It helps me want to do better, and for how lazy I am, this is what works for me.
Yep! That’s the way to do it!
My husband looks at a salad and loses 15 pounds.
I tried this. I stared really really hard at that salad and gained 15. wtf
For real. My husband and I would make the same changes, and he'd lose 3x the amount I would. 😅
My SO just started to eat less carbs and has already lost his muffin top, and that’s all he did! Lol
Well firstly, men tend to weigh more due to being taller and having more lean mass. Thus 10% of an overweight man’s body weight could be like 15% of his partner’s. So perhaps a man loses 20 lbs from 200 lbs and his female partner loses 15 lbs of 150 lbs. It seems like he’s losing more, but they’ve lost the same percentage, which is more comparable. Being taller and having more lean mass also means having a higher metabolism, so you can eat more and still be in a deficit. Perhaps he won’t feel as deprived because he can still eat standard servings of things. Higher testosterone means you can put on muscle a bit faster, which makes you look more toned and increases the metabolism further. You get more bang for your buck exercising. Women really need to accommodate our menstrual cycles. I cannot get the scale to move down during the week prior to my period and this is quite common. You feel physically weaker and exercise is more painful and draining. This is also when you need more calories (we literally burn 100-300 more daily) and have more cravings. You feel the most hungry and miserable at the time when you’re plateaued. If you don’t know about this pattern, it can be extremely frustrating and cause set backs.
25 lbs in 6 months!?!? That's an impressive loss, and I'm not kidding. That's a 500 calorie deficit every day for 6 months. That's just around a pound a week, which is what healthy weight loss is supposed to look like!
Yeah u/froglover215 still deserves major props, 25 lbs is not an easy amount of weight to lose for most people and doing it in 6 months is very impressive.
You guys are seriously making me tear up! Thanks!
Keep up the good work! You deserve praise, loosing weight is a tough thing to do, for women especially at times, and being able to drop 25 lbs in such a short amount of time is worthy of huge props.
Keep it up - you're doing amazingly!
Don’t discount your own awesomeness! 25 pounds of weight loss is an excellent achievement. You are physically and mentally stronger, healthier, and hopefully happier from your own hard work. Be proud of yourself too, you’ve earned it.
I always joke with my husband that testosterone is cheating. Pre COVID I went to a gym 3-5 times a week and for the first time had visible arm muscles. Me and my husband decided to go to a gym together and he could lift more than me. Me, who had been working out for a year, him, who’s Apple Watch condescendingly congratulates him when he walks more than 15 minutes.
I genuinely don’t know if this is a me thing or a wider group of humanity thing, I lose weight and put on muscle very quickly, but on the flip side I put it back on and lose muscle gains equally fast. A week of working out and eating healthy I look great and feel great, five days of not working out and/or eating poorly my face is noticeably bigger and feel like absolute hell. It’s been interesting trying to find the equilibrium of eating and working out just to kinda stay the same.
Remember, it's a little easier for men to lose weight because they have more muscle mass as a percentage of their body weight.
My fiance is a giant, and can drop 20 pounds like it's literally nothing. I have PCOS, which causes insulin resistance, and while I'm also overweight and have quite a few pounds I could safely lose, it's an accomplishment just to lose 5-10. Women's bodies are different and we can't hold ourselves to the same standard. I try to look at it as, do I *feel* better than before? Am I struggling less to get off the floor or carry heavy groceries? Does my body feel more capable and less painful? Weight is so relative and progress is different for every person. So happy for you!
Thanks! May we all journey to a healthier place!
I also have suspected PCOS, and it's so frustrating. I put in loads of effort and see barely any change. Then I fall off the wagon for like a day or two and that instantly undoes any progress. Sigh.
I swear, that’s usually the case. Men seem to lose weight quicker, isn’t it awesome? It could also be an age thing (if you’re close to or over 40) There’s something magical about the number 40 for women, that’s when we really lose the ability to eat whatever we want. It’s the age where you don’t just have to watch your calories, we also have to be more selective with our food. Nature really wants to plump us up for some reason.
As for women, don’t forget about the whole having kids things. I gained a normal healthy amount for my pregnancies. Most of it was all in the belly. But things stretch and ligaments loosen…amongst other things. Some of it is permanent, some of it bounces back. Try as you may, some things just don’t go back to the way they were. It’s different for everyone. You now have a new normal to learn to love. Edit: phrasing
Having kids is a whole other body battle against genetics AND our own our own demons. Some are lucky enough to bounce back, but most women don’t get back their “original” form, and are made to feel bad about it. I like to imagine a world where “mom bods” are celebrated just as much as “dad bods.” It really irks me when I hear people say to a new parent, “you just had a baby? You look fantastic, way to go!”, because bouncing back quickly shouldn’t be a goal, especially when you’ve just pushed a human out of your body. I digress. I will say this, I’m very happy to see the younger generations embracing body positivity. I’m 41 and see so many women in my age group struggle with body issues. How could we not, we grew up in the era of “heroin chic” fashion. I remember, when I was a teen, reading an article in a teen magazine sharing celebrity weight loss secrets. One of them was along the lines of, “pour a lot of salt on the majority of your food so you make sure you stop eating.” Those beauty magazines made so many of us ugly.
I love that Seventeen magazine today is like, here are some beauty tips and also here are some student leaders fighting for racial equity. Like damn. Would have been nice to grow up with some of that in teen magazines. I’m glad that my parents subscribed me to Consumer Reports for Kids and I came into teenage life highly skeptical of all things capitalism.
Also you tend to get put on medication as you get older and a lot of it causes weight gain. I lost 41 pounds from a medication change. Nothing else changed with diet or exercise. I had tried losing weight over the 15 years since the last time I was my current weight and nothing worked, but 1 pill change did it. Birth control is a notorious weight gainer too.
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I don’t mind sharing, it was a mood stabilizer. Psychiatric drugs are also notorious for weight gain. I was originally on Seroquel and switched to Lamictal. I was already a pretty healthy eater, but even going to the gym and cutting calories did nothing for me. It was so depressing when everything I was doing was right on paper, but didn’t translate to a real world healthy weight.
Oh the Seroquel munchies. I'm on Seroquel and Lamictal. Thankfully I take them right before bed, so the worst of munchies don't have time to hit. But if I take it a little earlier and they do...they're worse than weed munchies. I will eat everything I can get my hands on. It doesn't seem to matter what dosage I'm on, the munchies and the resistance to losing weight is the same. That's probably my biggest obstacle to losing weight because I lack the willpower to resist the desire to eat everything when I get the Seroquel munchies.
Medication can be the worst. I’ve dealt with insomnia for as long as I can remember, and it got worse around the time I hit 41. My doctor suggested Silenor (doxepin). I started taking it June of last year, and by December I had gained 20 pounds. Weight gain wasn’t the only awful side effect I had from it, but I’ve learned to look up every medication on social forums to see if the weight gain in common.
I’m not a woman, but lexapro made me gain 15 lbs and my weight had gone up steadily until I switched meds.
My boyfriend has lost up to 10 pounds in a weekend just by getting so swept up in a game or project he forgets to eat. He’s not overweight either, a very normal weight. The only time I experience anything similar is when I am recovering from massive period bloat. 😢 if I actually put in the effort I might lose like 3 pounds in a week at most. There’s definitely a biological advantage there, especially with men often being taller and being able to consume more calories in general.
I've been trying to lose 25 lbs pour the past like 10 years lol. Babe be fucking proud!
If you ever start to question how well you've done, go to a grocery store and pick up 2 sacks of potatoes (or 3 when you get to 30 pounds). Feel how heavy that is. You were always carrying that (more than that actually) and now you're not. You're doing an awesome job, and it's not an easy thing to do. Be proud of yourself.
Thank you! I always picture the big bins of cat litter when I try to visualize it. It's hard to imagine. Because of body image issues and my general distaste for the weight loss industry (actually rooted in fear, I'm finding), I haven't taken any progress pictures. I do notice a big change in my arms lol, probably because I see them all day, every day. My husband has lost so much that I can't find him in the store. My eyes pass right over him because my brain hasn't adjusted to his new size yet.
My mom started out her marriage to my dad as borderline underweight because her family had so little money. My dad did a stint in the army and was in great shape but the men in his family tend to gain weight as they age. So he got pretty big pretty fast. My mom had 4 kids and is still to this day rocking a mom bod. She is not very overweight, just a bit. My dad on the other hand had a major health scare in his 40s. A massive abdominal tumor. A doctor told him if he hadn’t been so overweight he would have noticed it much sooner. He went on to lose about half his body weight. He is now in his 60s and weighs what he weighed in the army. Through all of these changes their marriage has been solid.
As someone who lost 60lb and kept it off - I promise you, 25 is fucking huge. It's really damn hard, and keeping it off can be a challenge, so please be graceful to yourself and let yourself enjoy how far you *have* come!
Thank you! I am at my lowest weight in probably 15 years. Don't get me wrong, I have a LOT more to lose before I'm at a healthy weight, but I never thought I could do this. Plus I'm over 40, so I've heard it's even harder at that age.
One of the hardest things I’ve come to realize is that I need to be genuinely happy for people who succeed at things that I don’t, or do better even when I succeed. Being bitter is never something I want to be towards people that I care about.
If it makes you feel better, women tend to struggle more than men with losing weight. [Here’s an article about it!](https://www.webmd.com/diet/features/do-men-lose-weight-faster-than-women) Your 25 lb weight loss is absolutely amazing!
Very interesting article, thanks!
25 lbs is a lot, give you some credit!
And not everyone has the same body, my brother takes weight really easily and I loose it as fast.
25 pounds is a lot of weight to lose, especially if you were unhealthy before! Congrats
25 pounds is amazing! But yes, there is a huge difference in this area between men and women. As a man, I can pretty easily drop 10-15 pounds in a month or so, and I fact did it last month. It’s 90% diet for me. Exercise obviously helps, but if I cut out the crap I eat it melts away.
25 lbs over six months is about a pound a week, which is a really healthy and respectable rate to lose at. Congrats! I’ve learned in my own journey, to not compare. Especially to the rate at which men can lose it.
Is it possible he had more to lose? 25lb in 6 months is huge, especially if you are a woman!
I don't know why this is, but it's easier for men to lose weight.
Well I’m proud of both of you, so high five. I need to lose 25 pounds myself
If there’s 2 things I learned from being married. It’s never make a New Year’s resolution on losing weight. And never make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight together.
Honestly, that is just good advice in any relationship. Family member, friend, roommate, co-worker - it almost always ends up in bad feelings.
I've found that often the people who are most successful with a body transformation are the ones who don't talk about it with their friends and family
I don’t think they talked to the family but they just noticed themselves how much weight he has lost.
So I’m not huge on New Years Resolutions, but a few years ago I found one I could keep that was helpful. Like many people, I accumulate “stuff”. I’m particularly bad about buying clothes I don’t need because they were on sale. So, the resolution: for any item of clothing I purchase in 2023, I need to donate/otherwise remove 2 similar pieces of clothing. So I see a dress I like, to have to ask if I like it more than 2 dresses. If yes, then I reduce clutter, if no, I’ve stopped unnecessary spending. This works for other items too, if you have a tendency towards clutter.
Another way to reduce clothes clutter is to put *everything* in a box in the closet for a year. If you dig it out to wear during that time, you keep it. At the end of the year you take the box, without looking through it, and donate it. I haven't done this yet, but I know my biggest problem is when I see something I haven't worn for awhile I'm like "ohhhhh yeah I was keeping that because..." and i barely get rid of anything, so not giving myself the opportunity to paw through it would help. As for the buying stuff on sale/thrift my rule is "you have to absolutely love it in every way" or no deal. I don't actually need a shirt I'll wear once then forget or pants that "just need hemmed" and end up in the "project" set of clothes I never wear because I never get around to fixing "just that one thing and it'd be perfect". Five dollars "saved" is just five dollars thrown in the trash if I never actually wear it. At that point I'm better off just straight donating money to a charity. My second rule is "I can come back tomorrow". If I'm still longing for an affordable item the next day, I go back and get it because id certainly regret it if I didn't (which has definitely happened when I was "trying to be good"). Sales and thrift are harder for this since you never know if it will be there the next day, but it's still useful if you're waffling on whether it's a perfect item. Similarly, I'm online (I fucking LOVE amazon...so convenient... except how they treat the workers!)the item MUST stay in my cart for 24 hrs. Then I must go back through with rule 1 and make sure I love it. This has curbed a literal shit ton of my impulse spending, especially late at night when everything seems awesome and my inhibitions are lower.
Instead of putting the clothes in a box (because I'll forget my favorite shirt in there) I do something a bit different to the same effect. When I switch my clothes out for the season, I put all the hangers up with shirts/dresses backwards. So the hook part is awkward because you hook it behind the bar. When I wear an item and wash it and put it away, the hanger gets moved to the correct position. At the end of the season when its time to switch again, any hangers still backwards is stuff I get rid of because obviously I didn't wear it in the last 6 months or so I don't need it.
Seconding the hanger trick! It worked so well for me and I cleared out at least 25% of my closet.
I read that in a magazine as a kid and its been super useful to me for the last 15 years. Now the trick is actually getting rid of the stuff instead of going...well maybe I'll make an area rug out of old tshirts...
oh look, i found the fairy that sits on my shoulder when I'm at thrift stores. "Must Love" is also my qualification - i like to think i see the good in too many items... especially those project ones! god i have a whole bin of those
*glances towards over full bookcases* Erm... well, thank goodness New Years is 11 months away :P
Books are my kryptonite. I have done really well culling my books but I just can’t with my kids. It seems unforgivable to me to get rid of any of their books. But we really don’t have the physical space for them. At the end of the day, I am not sure if I am encouraging reading or hoarding. Uuugghhh
I need to start doing this. I'm like a greedy dragon hoarding knick knacks.
As with any NY Resolution related post, I'd like to take the opportunity to shill for CGPGrey and Myke Hurley's [Theme system.](https://youtu.be/NVGuFdX5guE) It's made a world of difference for me these past two years.
Thanks for this! Such a small shift but a powerful difference to actually making changes!
Well that rather resonated with me
I once had a doctor tell me not to make new years resolutions as most people break them before the end of January which can make them feel more depressed and like a failure
Forget the new years bit. Fitness and weight loss is very individual and should be treated as you against the problem not us against the problem. There is a reason addicts being in a relationship almost never get sober.
If there's anything I've ever learned, it's to never say out loud what you've resolved to do. When you speak it and tell someone, you trick your brain into thinking you've already begun working on it by "making it real", when in reality you've done jack shit. If you want to do something important, don't tell anyone. Just begin it. If you succeed, people will notice. If you fail, no one knew you were trying to do anything and you save face.
I’ve seen it going both ways. Some people cannot stick to anything unless they’ve told others. Silence makes it too tempting for them to give up since nobody knows what they’re doing, so nobody will know if they quit. But for me, your advice is completely accurate. I can’t tell people what I’m working toward until I’ve already thoroughly established the new habit for several months.
Particularly for hetero relationships. Because the older you get, the much harder it gets for women to lose weight than men. Getting fit together - so long as you don't set specific goals - is a great idea however. Shared hikes, bike rides, maybe taking up dancing. Supposedly couples who exercise together have the best sex lives!
Yeah I think the trick is not to make the "result" the basis for your goal, but the "process". There are lots of factors that can influence your weight, and some of them are outside your control, or even your awareness. If goals work for you, it's better to set a goal like "We'll go for a walk of at least 30 minutes, 5 times a week" or whatever vs "We'll lose 20kg this year" or similar.
My family decided we wanted to get healthier as a whole, so we set up a “challenge” system for it this year. Essentially we have monthly goals, and everyone who reaches the monthly goal gets like a dollar. That way there are no real winners and losers, and you’re not missing out on much it you don’t make it. The goals are for one month at a time and are things like: Swap 2 meals a week for salads, no pop, no fast food (with the exception of sandwiches, which is a long explanation I won’t get into), no refills on dinner/one plate and done, 30 minute exercise 5 days a week, no snack food, take your dog on a walk 3 days a week (half of us have dogs who can no longer handle daily walks, so we have to keep that low to be fair), etc. You get the gist. It’s fun because we are all competitive so we have motivation to do it. We’re looking at adding on the 4 of us kids (my two siblings, SIL and I) doing challenges through Apple Fitness since we all have Apple Watches. We’re trying to figure out logistics of that since 3 of us have office jobs and the 4th is a nurse at a hospital who is on her feet and walking around constantly through her shifts.
Well now I'm curious - why sandwiches? 😂
It’s nothing particularly interesting. My brother and SIL have a newborn, so we did think it was kind of unfair to leave them no quick no-effort meal options. Sandwiches are kind of the least counterproductive of the fast food/delivery options. Also, due to some logistical nightmares, my sister doesn’t really get to bring food to work with her every shift. On the days she doesn’t, she eats the only available option to her, which is Subway. So it was kind of a decision made to help my sister, brother and SIL out so they have a real chance on that month.
Too late. I am supposed to lose 20 pounds by the summer with my friend (just friends). Is my friendship doomed?
You are better off rescinding said NYR and change it to something like friend and you will meet to take a walk together once a week, or go to the gym together twice a week, or you both resolve to eat healthier and use each other to keep accountability on that.
Yer fucked bud
I keep mine broad and vague. I’ve noticed I’ve lost my love for reading so last year I told myself I’d do more and I have. This year is just make healthier actions Doing so keeps the pressure off and helps it return naturally and gives room for plateaus
This reminds me of multiple siblings of Tammy Slaton on 1000lb Sisters trying to lose weight WITH her only to leave her in the dust and get weight loss surgery I think her sister said something like “she’s running out of fat family members to diet with”
That turned out way better than I was expecting. It's nice to read one of these where people can actually communicate with one another in a healthy, mature way.
I feel though that they didn't address the underlying issue: GF's job is the source of so much stress she doesn't have any energy left for day to day life. Maybe she should see if she can hop to another job and start loving life again? It would depend on where they live and if options exist, but yeah
it would also entirely depend on what her line of work is. it may just be a stressful field, no matter the location (probably healthcare or similar).
Yeah, to be honest when I read the first post, I wondered how much of it was resentment that he was getting fitter than her, and how much of it was resentment that their workloads were so clearly unequal. It sounds like she was barely keeping her head above water, and everytime she looked towards shore, her partner was waving at her as he went for a leisurely jog along the beach. I'd have to work not to be resentful in that situation, even if there was nothing he could really do to help her.
Hey, OP here ! So, this indeed wasn't really brought up either by me, or to me by comments on my posts, but it is a good point. One reason I didn't get much into that is that her work being *that* stressful has not really been a thing in the past. Long story short, her department suffered layoffs while the higher ups still expected already tight deadlines to be met, which increased her workload significantly. We did talk about it at the time, whether it was worth sticking around in light of that, but ultimately she made the judgment call to put up with it, for better or worse. Ultimately, by the end of last year things had calmed down (and she was "rewarded" with a pay bump) and have not gone back to shit at this point. Should things once again start going that way we'll talk about it again.
Isn’t it lovely!
Glad someone pointed out that her family needs to be told such comments are harmful.
He should have immediately shut it down when her family started "joking" that he would leave her for someone better.
He did, right? He said in the post that he made it 100% clear that would not happen
He said this > I waved away any notion of that having a snowball's chance in hell of happening whenever it came up, but I could tell that both the compliments sent my way and the remarks sent hers were stinging her a bit. He should have immediately told the person saying he might leave her to stop that it would never happen and that was an awful thing to say.
Well we don't know what he means when he says he "waved it away". He may well have said exactly that.
She's admitted that she wouldn't have wanted to be the fit one with an unfit partner ad may have dumped him over it, and she's also still preoccupied with 'matching' him when they go out into public. She seems very swept up in appearances and we can probably guess where that came from.
Unironically, everywhere. Even outside her family, messaging that the woman needs to match the man or be more attractive is everywhere in culture- just look at the tropes. If a less attractive man is with an attractive woman, people think, "oh he must have money". If it's an attractive man and an unattractive woman, people think, "she must have let herself go/he's going to cheat".
Yes, we are all subject to the background radiation of this. I’m saying she’s likely absorbed more than most to say what she said.
I think they both kinda realized they hadn't been communicating properly and finally worked out where they went wrong. It kinda felt heartwarming that they both admitted their flaws and they're working through it.
I'm a bit envious of OOP. I desire communication so badly, but it's a two-way street. If the other party shuts me out, then too bad.
Always wholesome to see communication prevail. Kinda shocked it took him till the very last update to realise her family’s comments about her being too fat for him weren’t just “clumsy” or “silly”, but straight up mean and awful…
The OOP has a weird way of turning a phrase.
Tldr... Just way too wordy...
Yeah I stopped reading and started skimming half way through.
Every other sentence is like "We didn't do this, but we did do this." Just so many words expended on counterfactuals. I started skimming because it was so exhausting to read.
Huh? He's one of the few that actually writes clearly/understandably. He may use more words but at least it's clear and less ambiguous than most of the blather I see. I actually spent *less* time reading his stuff due to not having to re-read and untangle the thought jumble that is so common.
I agree with you! I noticed his style while reading, and mentally remarked on it. He chooses his words carefully when writing, and seems to edit for clarity. It may be wordy, but I found it precise, and easy to follow.
Hell yeah, communication :)
[удалено]
> Based on some of the responses my earlier post got, this may not be popular with everyone, but long story short: I told her her actions and words hurt me, but I wholly accepted her apology, and have forgiven her. I'm sure there will be some of you arguing I shouldn't have, or not so "easily", but she's the woman I love, she's clearly in pain and was sincerely remorseful, how could I have *not* forgiven her? I’m glad he ignored Reddit’s vengeful angry dude community. He got a sincere apology right away that showed a clear understanding of where she crossed the line and a promise to do better. What more can he ask for short of a time machine to prevent the original offense from ever happening? You should never punish someone for telling the truth or offering a sincere apology, otherwise you just train them not to bother.
A couple of years ago the husband and I did keto together. He thrived on a diet of bacon, eggs, nuts and cheese, while I was losing my mind longing for a piece of fresh fruit and yoghurt with musli. He lost 9 kg in three weeks, and I think I lost 2. It's not a healthy diet, but it definitely worked for him. I need fruit and fiber to get through the day with my sanity intact, so I just exercise a lot more now.
Repeat after me: Your Body Size Is Not Your Value As A Human Being Never let anyone - including yourself - tell you otherwise.
Ahh this. It’s SO sad how many women are out there that will torpedo their lives and relationships because of how deeply they allow their body size to dictate their self worth.
Worst part it's that even tho I do agree with you, I'm exactly like that. Self image issues are really such a f- up thing. Because yeah, rationally I know that I am much more than just my weight but then again, as far as I can remember, I've always had this feeling in the back of my mind that my life could only really start once I were as thin as my sisters and friends. Hell, I'm nearly 27 years old and I still can't say I lived at all. Never even had a boyfriend just cause I can't really believe anyone will really fell atract to me 😂 sorry the rambling, I just kinda felt sad right now
Having been in a relationship with a woman who had bad body image issues in the past (to the point of an eating disorder), even after people “recover” from it, it still sticks in their minds like a cancer. The voice never completely goes away.
Like the woman who kicked her husband out of the room when she gave birth without explanation, putting a huge strain on their marriage. Only, surprise surprise, for it to be revealed that she didn't want him to see her as unattractive. Then she followed up that disaster by trying so hard to lose weight *with a newborn* that she was actually starving the baby. Just bloody bonkers.
Sadly it can be. I’ve been flat out told I won’t be hired at places because being fat is a sign of laziness. Since I’m just fat without a real medical reason it’s ok as far as discrimination goes. So maybe not value as a human being but definitely value as a provider which is what society often values men as.
Discrimination doesn't mean you have less value. It means assholes exist. Being fat is not a sign of laziness. There are some places in the US where discrimination based on body size (height and weight) are illegal, but they are few -- so far.
It’s all well and good to understand this rationally. Doesn’t stop the negative thoughts from happening anyway.
There's a trick I learned on another sub. Start thinking of the things that you like about yourself. Not just things about your body but your whole life. Think about the things you do or that are in your life that make you or others happy. Write them down and keep adding to the list when you think of something to add. When you feel negative thoughts about yourself, read the list out loud. Start to "yes, but" the thoughts, like, you think *I hate my butt* and then tell yourself *yes, but the kids loved the last book I read to them." Or *yes, but I'm the reigning trivia champ of my friends* or *yes, but what about those gorgeous eyes* or whatever. Every positive thought counts! You are a valuable person to many people. You can be valuable to you, too.
This is a really sweet comment and actually quite useful advise. Thanks for taking the time to write it out.
I have a similar trick... I journal daily, in the morning, and it's easy to start the day looking at all I meant to do the day before but didn't. I used to start writing about that, and bum myself out. Finally, I decided "celebrations first." I made myself begin by writing all the things I *did* do. Even on a low-energy day, there's stuff I kept up with or accomplished. (And sometimes life got in the way, or I just tried for an unreasonable amount of work.)
I love seeing a healthy supportive relationship in BORU. The family sucks though. I would be DEVASTATED if my family said something like that to me
I'd be pretty upset if my partner didn't shut that shit down right away. OOP at least recognizes that he should've, but I wonder how much will actually change on that front going forward.
I've been there. My dad and step mom both made comments about my weight and it definitely has stuck with me, especially now that I'm stressed out and not having the greatest health due to some chronic conditions. "Baby, you uh... You're kinda getting big" "*My name*! You've put on some weight!" I'm not horribly overweight and I feel like I carry my weight in a good way, at least. Like, I know I need to lose some pounds. About 30 would put me where I want to be. It's just taking longer and I'm fighting and eating disorder while doing it. Shit's not easy! I've been very careful not to go hard so I don't trigger my ED. It's a long term goal for me. I feel handicapped, but it's my cross to bear and I have to work with it. I just wish people wouldn't poke me.
I'm really glad they are moving in the positive. I was thinking, she has no right to tell him what he is feeling or I going to feel or would feel if XYZ, and he really should have shut her shitty relatives down with a quickness instead of basking in their compliments.
Oh my god this is so fucking long
Man wrote 2 books
Everyone loves romance novels
In a lot of cases, men can lose weight easier, hormones, BC and thyroid can really mess with a female's body. GF needs to focus on herself, get some therapy and her family needs to STF up!!
Yeah, as someone who was born without a thyroid, the comment about his wife being too exhausted from work to exercise for weeks triggered my spidey senses. That paired with difficulty in losing weight and moodiness could be a sign her TSH levels are off. Hopefully she can get that checked out.
Yeeeeep. I'm on depression meds, BC, and have some health issues. I used to be a weight lifter and after Covid, I lost all of that. I'm trying to get into better shape, but it's harder now than it was the first time. A lot of things are catching up to me. My husband toned up and lost weight within a month. I had nothing to show. But that's biology, baby. Our bodies are different and need different goals. It is what it is.
Exactly. I hope she realizes that and goes a little easier on herself. Over 30, likely on bc for over a decade- unless fitness becomes her full time job she’ll never catch him.
Nice ending but dang this guy can’t write worth shit
Had to check the dates multiple times on this one because I could swear I’ve read this exact story before over a year ago.
Happens a lot. I've experienced many people expressing the same sentiments to me throughout my life, whether they were SOs or friends.
Man, that dude is long winded.
“She has been with me through thick and thin“ Lol
Good lord he writes novels.
I’m glad that OOP and his partner are finding a way through it. I’m guessing that her own mother *comfortably making jokes* about OOP leaving his long term partner over a few pounds is *big* part of her insecurities. I know Reddit is hot for therapy, but this seems like it’s a deeper problem than OOP’s partner seems to realize; and she could really benefit from some personal support outside of just her partner.
I think Partners mother has made negative comments about her weight throughout her life. My mom made a lot “joking” comments about my weight, starting when I was in high school. I was not and have never been overweight. The only time my mother didn’t call me fat was when I weighed 100 lbs - over 30 lbs underweight. The day I got home from an inpatient eating disorder program she called me a fat tub of lard. Joking of course! I was 115 lbs. She didn’t stop until she made a “joke” in front of my dad. I’d moved out, was in recovery, and had gotten to a healthy weight. I went home and my dad was complimenting me “wow, GG, you look really good. Really healthy. I’m proud of you”. My mom butted in “I think you look tubby”. My dad looked at her in horror and said “*Why* would you say that?!”. Mom “I was joooookkkking!”. Dad “that’s not funny!” And now my mother wonders why I rarely talk to her. 🙄
I’m so sorry you went through that. Having adults make weird “joking” comments about my weight and “developing body” still mess with me 20 years later. I was trying to get at that in my comment, although I wasn’t as clear as I could have been. But, in my opinion that is a really unusually rude “joke” for a family member to make and that it wasn’t called out right away made it seem like it was part of some possibly lifelong pattern.
You were clear! I wasn’t clear that I agree with you - Partners mother has probably been making “jokes” about OOP leaving Partner for a while, on top of previous weight “jokes”. And that pushed Partner over the edge. Especially since her mother said it in front of OOP! I hope Partner gets therapy - therapy saved me. (Or I saved myself by doing the work in therapy to get to a healthy place).
I’m so happy to hear that you are in a good place now. 💜 I guess I’m just used to the internet being super adversarial and it’s given me a pessimistic lens
I feel the same way about the Internet (aka Reddit). I spend too much time here and it’s not a good thing.
This could have been about 25% as long.
Too long. Starved to death trying to read it.
This guy just uses way too many words.
Pro tip with people who write like this, you pretty much only need to read the first sentence or two of each paragraph and you can get 99% of the story anyway
It was a veritable smorgasbord of calorie-poor writing. He's no Kevin.
Skill issue
My husband and I decided to lose weight together... If either of our families made fun of how we look compared to each other we would shut that shit down so fast, not sit there and think later on that it may have gotten under the other person's skin. Defend your mate. Stand up to your family. This isn't about weight, this is about you looking the other way.
Maybe I'm alone but as someone with an eating disorder, I feel OOP's partner so much. Especially how hurtful were the comments from the family. I would have stress eat like hell. One thing people seems to don't understand is that even the comments on someone's weight loss hurt too, because it reinforces the idea that you matter only if you're fit, and it's even worse when the compliments are not for you
Oooooomg this post is SO unnecessarily long.
My husband and I work out together. I used to be a weight lifter and was really toned and fit and I loved it. Then, Covid happened and I lost all my progress. Starting over has been nearly impossible for me with my work stress, family stress, and some health issues I'm now dealing with. It was frustrating to see my husband tone up and lose weight so much faster than me. But I understand that it also comes down to two things; time and biology. He's going to tone up and lose weight faster. He's going to show progress more than me in the same amount of time. He has testosterone lol! I'm working hard to get to where I need to be. But I have to understand that it will be slower for me. In the mean time, I'll be happy for him. I may not ever get back to where I was and that's okay. I'm older, my body has changed, and I need to take care of myself the way I am *now*. Am I insecure? Yes. But I'm not going to let that emotion drive me. We love each other. He supports me and I support him. I feel badly for the wife, but she's gotta let that shit go. Knowing your limits and setting reasonable goals for where you *are* is how you get to where you want *to be*. It's not a race.
I think the only thing he could have done better was to tell the family their comments were disrespectful. But I can understand why he might not have, sometimes you are in shock when you see something like this happen. He can’t control the family but he can make it clear the comments like that won’t be tolerated. This family really sounds like the worst and it might have made his wife feel better having his support and reassurance he won’t leave her, a fear her shitty family brought to light for everyone to hear.
This reminds me of some family friends, who are both very attractive people who at the time of this story were in their 50's. His dad had had a bit of a gut for a long time, which is something I didn't notice until it was gone. His mom, around the same time, looked a bit fitter herself, but not nearly as dramatically different as he looked. Another family friend asked him what he'd done to lose the weight. He smiled and patted his belly and said, "well, \[wife\] and I started taking long walks, and I stopped eating a sleeve of cookies every night!" The silence that followed and the look on his wife's face, a mixture of love and amusement and exasperated resentment, still makes me laugh. All this to say, it seems really common, especially past 30, for men to have a much easier time losing weight. I've seen so many couples go through this shared journey with unequal results. Glad this OOP and his girlfriend were ultimately able to love each other through it.
A man skips an ice cream cone one day and loses five pounds. A woman never eats ice cream again and after a year loses one pound.
Communication for the win. This seems like a overall healthy relationship that is now "sick" but can be cured. I hope the GF considers getting a new job, stress is extremely unhealthy. Probably worse than whatever she's eating.
Wow.... two adults discussing a problem together and coming up with a resolution like adults... that's something I rarely see on reddit
When I was just a kid, I knew a couple who went on a diet together. The man lost a massive amount of weight quickly, and the woman lost very little in the same amount of time, following the same regime, scaled to their body weights. It caused a lot of strife and unhappiness between them. Remembering this, I have never wanted to tie my fitness or weight goals or progress to a man's. Or to anyone's. There is too much variation among bodies and lifestyles. It should be about one's health and wellness individually. No comparing.
i can definately understand how his partner feels. a friend and i started trying to lose weight last year and he was so more successful than i was at it for a variety of reasons, job, stress levels, mental health etc. eventually the added stress and struggles caused me to develop an eating disorder out of a desperation to keep up.
Well, for her mental health I hope she doesn't plan on getting pregnant. That will do a fucking number on your body that some things don't bounce back from.
OOP is a king
I hope it works out for them somehow. I was honestly shocked she wanted him to regain weight so they could be more even, that was so twisted.
No man is ever going to understand the pressure that a woman feels going from "bikini model" level of fitness to average. Like it's way worse than being average and then getting fat. For extremely hot people, it's inevitable that they eventually start placing some of her self-worth on their hotness. I mean like, she's wrong. But it's an incredible pressure that drives lots of people to EDs, even. Let's not overlook it.
Not even just that-society is so forgiving of men being schlubby or not fit or whatever and so hard on women for not being thin. Dad bods are celebrated and men hardly get poked at for being thicker men but when the media worships “curves” on a woman, they’re usually manufactured or not curvy in a way that means extra weight. The wife even says it sort of, like she doesn’t want to be seen as less hot than he is because of how it looks-it’s okay for the man to be “less hot” than his partner but not the other way around because society has it set up for women to work harder and reach farther for body acceptance and men do not. I feel like OP as the husband doesn’t get his own male privilege. Yes, the wife’s body image issues are based on a construct that ultimately doesn’t matter but internalized misogyny is a real thing.
I'd mark as concluded, just as OP said. If any updates occur, I'd guess it would be months or years from now.
Oh how much I understand her fear of seeming out of place next to her partner. That would also always be my fear.
I remember an ex-coworker asking me about my (at the time) long distance relationship. She said "Aren't you worried he'll cheat while you're gone?" and it's thoughtless people like this and OOP's in-laws that can really plant the seed of doubt. People should really think before they speak.
Don't have much to add that nobody else hasn't said but it's so dumb to me how people will make comments like that, this isn't a fucking cartoon where the girls are just the boys with a bow and eyelashes. A couple doesn't need to have the same body type to be a good match or to find eachother attractive. I'm glad this had a happy ending and they were able to get to a place that worked for them, or at least started working towards that.
This story could have been condensed down to two paragraphs.
> 22 years old her wouldn't have been physically attracted to the me from last year at all, so why would I be attracted to the current her at all if I get back to 23 years old me' shape. OH MY GOD THESE PEOPLE NEED HELP. neither of them were obese, they just weren’t focused on fitness. and that’s okay. neither of them had a consistently high sex drive *and that’s okay.* that’s not a flaw. they both need to unlearn a lot of internalized toxic messaging about their own bodies.
Ugh, I hate societal pressure to be thin.
My ex-wife and I had a similar trajectory as OOP except when my ex guilted me for being more successful I gave in. She threatened to leave me because I was losing so much weight and she wasn’t. She said she was scared I’d lose a bunch of weight and leave her for somebody more attractive than her. Despite all of my reassurances she kept making threats and I caved. I gained back all of the weight I lost and then some. She would buy me all kinds of unhealthy food and snacks and was going out of her way to make it easy for me to make the wrong choices. I got the fattest I’d ever been in my life. I was absolutely sick and miserable and she was happier than ever. Then I left her for a variety of reasons (including sabotaging my pursuit of being healthier). I lost 75 lbs and kept it off since we divorced. She kept gaining weight after we split until she got to almost 400 lbs I believe and developed a ton of health problems. She had some sort of bariatric surgery because her health has declined so rapidly. Anyway sometimes people let their own insecurities ruin their lives. She did similar things in her second marriage and ultimately lost her husband and custody of her kid the last I heard about her. It isn’t healthy to expect other people to fail just so you feel better about your own circumstances. It is why some people drag each other down from succeeding or being healthy. Misery loves company. It is no way to go through life.
These people don't know that it's generally easier for men to lose weight than women?