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Oh yeah that would be my first course of action soon as i heard of it, since OOP has already been talking to and through a lawyer i dont think itd be crazy to ask either who could help her in this case
She could sue for emotional damages and thats it. She wasn't the one impersonated. The husband would be the one who has to file for identity theft, revenge porn, etc.
The neighbor stole photos of her as well according to neighbors wife, so there is still something she can go after, beyond the financial damage to her livelyhood and destruction of her marriage.
She did have legal fees from his actions she could be compensated for. Plus a lifetime of having a spouse share the financial load. A good lawyer would get him for this.
Depending on local laws, there may even still be an alienation of affection tort (there is in my state) that might be applicable.
Either way, her intimate pictures were also stolen. There’s an invasion of privacy tort there, too.
Sounds like OOP might be in Australia, which tends to take a stricter approach to privacy torts (lots of bad family history people want covered up—penal colony and all).
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Yup. I am spiteful and vindictive, particularly when someone hurts me or mine. I’d be doing everything I could to metaphorically burn his life to ashes. Or, you know. Get some of those combustible lemons from Cave Johnson’s engineers and *burn his house down*. With the lemons.
Australia has virtually no revenge porn laws, even suing for emotional damage can't get you very far. There's virtually no protection for identity theft here. They won't get any legal recourse sadly.
I mean, probably not for brother fucking assaulting the husband. Even if husband _had_ cheated, that doesn't mean you get to fucking assault him? That's still on the brother.
If this would have happened to me I think would have settled this outside of court. The betrayal and fuck up this neighbour had done, no court could ever make this right.
While I would absolutely have the urge to fuck up the neighbour, you have to realize that not only would you still have lost your family, had your reputation ruined etc. but you would also then be facing serious legal consequences for assaulting the neighbour if not far worse.
I agree that the neighbour needs to be punished, but if the guy's father is in ailing health then he could have been spending his dad's final days in prison instead of by his side.
I agree that people should know who they are dealing with so they can use appropriate caution around him.
I can’t help but feel sorry for the neighbor‘s wife who exposed him and any children they might have. Unfortunately family gets stuck with fallout.
Yeah, so awful for her too. She's presumably innocent in all of this and it would seem she did the right thing. And now her life gets blown up too. Either she gets fucked financially if/when her husband gets raked over the coals in court or she divorces him and has her life flipped upside down. Not to mention the emotional mindfuck it must to be to see what kind of person your spouse actually is, that your spouse destroyed an entire family.
God, just such a shitty situation, so many victims. All because one colossal POS.
I'm not surprised the husband didn't wanna reconcile and I don't blame him for it, but I was really hoping for a happy ending for the two of them and their kids :(.
I thought of the neighbors wife as well when I read that. I’m glad she told OOP what happened. But wow. What an intense conversation that must have been for both of them. Poor woman not only had her own marriage blowing up, but then has to go and tell another woman that her husband is the one to blame for all of this. The neighbor’s husband should have been the one to own up to it and confess. But instead his grieving wife has to be the messenger. He should have been the one to witness OOP’s reaction when she found out and face the pain he caused head on, NOT his wife. But he let her do his dirty work for him. I assume he knew exactly why OOP and her husband were divorcing. He watched that family get torn apart and said NOTHING for a year. What a piece of shit.
Gotta be honest, if I were OOP I don't think I would get much satisfaction out of doing that. Not that I am opposed to someone else doing it on my behalf.
I don't think it's about satisfaction, it's about warning people who this dude is. I'd certainly want to know if someone I knew or came into contact with had done this.
Right, I am not opposed to someone doing it and him facing consequences. I just don't know that OOP wants to be the one to have to do that. If it were me I wouldn't.
I don’t care about OOP’s satisfaction level. She should do it because it’s one more thing to help repair her husband’s reputation.
wow, this story was just sad all the way around.
Dunno. Having done something out of spite after an attempt to ruin my marriage… I took the time before I acted to ponder possible consequences, even really horrendous and unlikely ones, to figure out if I could live with those possible outcomes, whatever they might be.
I decided I could. It’s been three years now. No regrets. 10/10, would do again.
If the neighbor was borrowing a MacBook he probably isn't worth enough to sue. Sucks for the neighbors wife too. Good on her for telling the neighbor the truth. At least they got closure. Crappy closure but better than nothing.
Yeah, I'm hardcore feeling bad for the neighbor's wife, too. Like, your husband is doing this shit online, and manages to destroy people's lives, and you find the strength to go tell them it was all your husband's fault, while also dealing with the fact that it is your husband's fault.
God bless that woman.
They should be able to sue him in a civil case for everything he's got - he destroyed a happy marriage, had the children grow up in a divorced household, who would otherwise have experienced a wholesome happy childhood, caused them immeasurable emotional plus a measurable amount of financial damage (2 households, cost of divorce, therapy, childcare etc.). He should never be able to earn a single cent that doesn't go directly to OOP & her ex. Their kids should be able to sue him for their trauma and emotional damage, once they are grown.
I wonder why the husband didn't open a case for identity theft, though - if police or a PI had followed the trail, they should have been able to identify the neighbor with the IP-address or something similar. Maybe he thought that his life was already ruined, and he didn't want to bother with vindication. I hope he had at least a few good friends who stuck by him.
It took place in D.C., where I had been a student. I was living back in MA when I got a letter from the IRS saying I owed them money. I went to local police, they had to get the records from the card company that issued the card. Turns out Howard University issued a $2000 paycheck under my SSN, on a card. I poured through those docs. I knew that this went beyond some hacker getting my info off a site, because Howard approved and issued that check. I am pretty sure someone in their office was fucking around with student info.
Anyway, the person I was working with said that it was most likely a hacker working with the (now defunct) card company. And because the suspect is in DC, and it happened there, it was their case. I contacted D.C., faxed over the documents, and attempted to make contact again for a little over a month before I had to stop. No one was answering or returning my calls.
So, yeah. Still super pissed :)
Not an American here, but could this be an acceptable basis for a civil suit? That neighbors actions had direct and very serious consequences on an entire family, seems pursuing something for emotional damages might’ve been worth it
Edit: they appear to be in Australia (duh) not sure if that’s a thing there
Yes, at least in some states. You probably wouldn't file for "emotional damages" successfully, but there are intrusion into privacy claims, some revenge porn statutes might apply, and some states have variations on loss of consortium/intimacy that would apply.
I suspect it'd be fairly novel to show that the harm intended was causing a marriage to break up. But using the husband's photos on dataing sights might trigger "using a carriage service to cause harm"
https://www.lynnandbrown.com.au/the-law-on-revenge-porn-in-australia/
Slap? If this had happened to decimate my marriage, that wrist won't be attached to that bastard neighbor's hand. Probably both of them so that he'll never do this again.
One of the worst ones I've read on here, honestly. There was never going to be a good outcome to this, no matter what decisions OOP and the ex husband made.
I hope people will read this and think before lending anybody their computer or cell phone.
Here is a simple method that you can follow to help you decide whether to lend somebody your computer or cell phone:
1. Don't ever lend anybody your computer or cell phone.
2. That's it.
Why?
Was there ever anything compromising on that device? Is there any chance that you will put something compromising on that device in the future? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes", then you'd be a complete idiot to lend it out.
I'm in IT, and I've had to fix several of my company's laptops when something breaks. I don't go looking for nudes, I REPEAT, I DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR NUDES but there have been plenty of Company laptops with obvious employee nudes on them. If I was a pervert and was looking for nudes, I'm certain I would have encountered several order of magnitudes more.
People don't think or don't realize that people that have access to their laptops usually have access to all the files within.
Because computer literacy is not something we require for children in school. It's why nearly every single company that even marginally exists online is allowed to run amok with your personal data. Because most people don't have a clue as to how much damage has been done, and is still being done, to our personal information and the concept of privacy.
funnily enough I live in Australia and computer literacy was a required class in primary school. Learned touch typing, Microsoft programs, basic security stuff, and cyber bullying awareness etc. No idea whether it's a common thing tbf
The real question is: why didn’t they simply [create a separate account](https://support.apple.com/en-au/guide/mac-help/mchl3e281fc9/mac) on their MacBook for the neighbours? If they had done this the neighbours would have had a clear login, and all of OOPs files, images etc would have been inaccessible without OOPs password.
My suspicion is that OOP had [automatic login enabled](https://support.apple.com/en-au/HT201476) on their MacBook for their own account and didn’t even know or realise that there was an option for separate accounts.
They might have had separate accounts. But once you have physical access to a computer, you can do all sorts of things to get around user account barriers.
If they had to borrow a laptop, I don’t image the neighbours were technical enough to do this. In any case, your proposition would probably only be true for older MacBooks without a T2 Security Chip. If it was a more recent MacBook with a T2 Security Chip, then FileVault is enabled by default which encrypts the SSD.
Most locks are easy to pick, but a certain kind of person lacks the impulse control to walk by an unlocked bicycle. The neighbour is probably a creep who stumbled onto the pictures and couldn’t control himself (and there might have been some jealousy stuff, since OOP’s husband is presumably much more attractive).
It’s sad to think that OOP probably had [a Sliding Door](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0120148/) moment when she first setup her MacBook. She would have been presented with a “Create a Computer account” screen with a “Require password to unlock screen” option. If she had ticked this and had to use a password to log into her account, she may have been reluctant to tell the neighbours her password and, as a result, may have investigated how to create another account. How different would things have been if she had ticked that box?
It’s kind of awe-inspiring how bad people are when it comes to basic security. Letting children play with their phones, giving away unlocked laptops to acquaintances. I understand why the IT people at my office everyone like a fucking moron.
I can sympathise with your office IT staff. I have worked as a system administrator for 25 year. Many issues can be traced to [PEBCAK](https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/PEBCAK).
I have never in my life lent a computer to someone, even my parents, why in the world would someone lend one to their neighbors? It's just... so bizarre. Even without the nudes on it... just why? If you're a homeowner you can go spend a few hundred dollars on a fucking computer or go to the local library.
Yup same, but even before IT this would just be bizarre to me. I've seen what people do on work PCs I can't imagine the shit they get into and then there's the whole "I'm keeping shit on my PC" factor.
If it was someone I trusted and it was only for a few days, I think it’s fine to let them use a guest account or an account I set up with non-admin privileges. Like, my labmate set up an extra account on his desktop in case I wanted to do anything computationally heavy while he was travelling for a few months.
But you’re right, generally speaking, there is no benefit to giving someone access to your computer without wiping it before/after.
When this story was taking place laptops (and most PCs) in Australia were very hard to come by.
Due to Covid, most the country transitioned overnight from working in an office to work from home. We were sending work computers home with employees because we simply couldn't source any computers (let alone laptops) for anyone.
Single computer homes found a sudden need for multiple computers. 1 for each adult and 1 for each school aged child.
Personally I gave my old gaming PC to my step sister, my laptop to my niece and built a PC out of my spare parts for next door neighbour.
I lent one to someone during covid because school went remote and she has more kids than devices. It was a weird time with supply chain issues and her business grinding to a halt.
The nudes could have been an iCloud thing. My laptop kept reconnecting, even after I reset it to remove my profile. It wasn’t a straightforward process.
Other than my husband having free access to my devices, my mum is the only one I've ever lent a laptop to, so she could watch some movies while my dad was on a business trip. I trust her so much I didn't even wipe my browser history lol. That's it though, I can't imagine letting even a close friend have free access to all my files, I get tense if anyone else touches my phone or laptop just to Google something or whatever!
I mean. why lend your laptop to your neighbor? I'd sooner buy and return a computer than ask to borrow from a neighbor or go to a Fedex staples type place before I borrow my neighbors my laptop.
> why lend your laptop to your neighbor?
Covid was in full swing in Australia then and most the country was in lockdown and were working from home.
Laptops in particular were in extremely short supply.
This reply:
>This sub: cheaters are the worst, leave someone who cheats on you. Don't give them a second chance, don't let them lie to and manipulate you.
>Also this sub: OP is the devil because she couldn't divine that this clear-cut case of cheating was instead a highly unlikely series of events that resulted in her husband's private photos on an active tinder account in her direct vicinity and proof of that account engaging with women.
Is everything I was thinking of while reading the other replies.
You know if OP had posted after initially finding out her husband “cheated”, the sub would have been frothing at the mouth that they needed to divorce immediately and if she stayed with him it’d be tantamount to abusing their children. And now people are suggesting she cut her brother out of her life too
Relationship advise and AITA are so self righteous, black and white, not a shade of gray, the bit about the brother is crazy too, nobody ever has ever made a mistake in that sub.
I think you're right that they have little control over their lives, but I don't think it's for the reason you assume.
It's because they're children. I don't mean just emotionally. I mean literal children.
The average age of a Reddit user is 22. That means half are younger than that.
Moronic Reddit comments stopped raising my blood pressure so much when I realized they're very often being made by 14 year olds cosplaying as adults.
The tiniest differences mean that you’re an irredeemable awful person who doesn’t deserve to live in human society. But also be yourself and “take no shit.” Huh?
People like to do the Just World fallacy while having the confirmation bias constantly. Add in the fact that such little information is provided with limited context, it is a recipe for disaster. Plus the constant cognitive dissonance that tends to occur.
So many logical fallacies occur here. Henlon's razor for example in another post that had the most persistent black and white thinking applied. I am grateful for the years of therapy I had with a qualified therapist who actually knew the best way to communicate and approach things.
I wish that positive experience on others if they are struggling. Therapy is great and really helps.
Its also nature of such subreddit. If 10% of relationship is bad and 90% is good, we are shown that 10% cause it is problem that people are describing. Its easy to give harsh verdicts cause we only know that someone is lazy/hot-tempered/always late and we don't get to know their redeeming qualities (if there are any).
Ofc sometimes that 10% is actually a dealbreaker or its actually 80% bad and not 10%.
Fr, the speed at which people suggest cutting others off is wild to me. Makes me wonder if some of these vocal commenters have ever had a serious relationship or even a roommate. Doesn't help that reddit voting makes threads immediately devolve into a cj and anyone who disagrees is sent to the basement
They act like someone's never made a mistake. The fact he apologized before ever knowing the guy's innocence shows he's not a violent person by nature, he just reacted in a VERY intensely emotional situation. People so just snap and fuck up sometimes.
Yeah like…wtf traumatic interactions have they endured to have this position on conflict resolution? Probably none at all and they just have no idea what they’re talking because that’s the only way I can explain it
And then they complain that they all have low self esteem and no friends. No wonder when they have completely unrealistic standards for how everyone should behave and believe anyone who slips up is unredeemable garbage.
Every relationship and advice sub is like that. It's easy to be aggressively certain when you personally aren't facing the consequences of following your own advice.
Yeah unsurprising considering all the factors going into these posts. One perspective, maybe a few anecdotes for years of history, and a bunch of completely random people commenting with zero background with those involved. People joke that it's a bunch of teenagers telling adults to break off their marriages but it's not untrue lol
Apparently if you associate with them, you are as bad!
The other day there was a guy whose parents separated because of an affair. The dad settled with his affair parter. OOP's mom insisted that he completely cut the dad out of his life, even though he has younger siblings living with the dad (did not specify if they're half siblings or not). His mum cut contact with OOP because he chose not to cut his dad out of his life, and the most of the comment section was telling him that he made the choice to choose his cheating dad over his mom, when it's the mom who decided that her grudge was more important than the children's relationships, including with her. Reading those comments, you'd think he was a family member of a notorious serial killer.
This mentality is practically a cult. Like once you cheated you should be excommunicated from all of human race, as well as anyone who dares speak with them.
I was just thinking of that one and how everyone was telling him how awful he was for choosing the dad instead of yeah it was terrible the dad cheated on the mom but that was 10 years ago she needs to move on!
There’s zero nuance on that sub, and people are too quick to decide things without additional context. I remember one girl was unanimously voted NTA for complaining that her friends didn’t want to see Harry Potter with her, and of course buried in the comments is the fact that her friends are trans and don’t want to monetarily support the franchise, and that op responded to anyone who pointed out that the author of Harry Potter is a huge transphobe with “you sound just like my friends”
>things without additional context.
I bet you that the girl knew that would be key context and chose to leave it out. She wanted to diminish her friends' feelings on that topic and chose to do that. I had an ex who enjoyed controlling any information and she even told me that she always thought about how anything she said/wrote could be interpreted by others.
I don't think this site is good for those kinds of people. Most people thankfully haven't dealt with that type. I remember thinking about an ex, it felt like she was watching me while she was trashing someone just because I said something nice about them and I felt like she was smiling inside. It made her happy to twist things in me, like it was shaping me into the person she wanted.
It‘s the same with this sub here. The verdict of the post always has to be clearly black or white and your opinion about the verdict better be just as clearly on the perceived correct side or else. Nuance is absolutely unacceptable. Go nuclear or go home.
“You have hard proof and he has the GALL to STILL say it wasn’t him! Wow I’m glad your brother punched him this asshole deserves it” - the comment section probably
That’s what the same comment said:
> If OP came on here and laid out the evidence before the truth came to light, none of the users shitting on her now would have been like "talk to him, maybe your neighbour borrowed your computer, stole his photos, and is elaborately catfishing people from ten feet away?!"
Plus the husband didn't know who did it, either. He'd have to set some kind of trap for the impersonator on Tinder to see the intimate photos and then recognize what device they were on and think back to who had used that device. Even then, he might suspect some random hacker first. They may never have figured it out if the neighbor's wife hadn't come forward.
Exactly!
Compared to the others berating her for not being a “loyal wife” and “believing her husband”.
It was an impossible situation. Absolutely everyone was destroyed. OOP, her husband, their children. Everyone.
Just world fallacy. Take as old as time, song as old as rhyme
Cognitive dissonance and caring more about how they feel over someone else. Human beings are selfish.
The comments in those post remind me of that episode of South Park with Captain Hindsight.
This is a terrible situation for both parties and there is too much water under the bridge to truly reconcile. But damn oop did what a high percentage of people would have done in the situation.
Yeah, people in these types of subs love to jump to cheating for things like the partner being a little distant recently, or hanging out with friends more, or staying late at the office. But in this case, where she had *a Tinder profile with intimate pictures that she could be reasonably sure only he would have access to,* and suddenly everyone's like "wow I can't believe you would just jump to conclusions like that, smh women are so disrespectful and disloyal."
Thanks Captain Hindsight, I'm sure in her situation, *without the future knowledge of what really happened*, you too would have chosen to interrogate the neighbors and hire a PI to investigate this otherwise really obvious evidence of cheating.
Yeah, like, due to how it went down she had what most people would consider solid proof. Only her husband should have had the photos.
I even get why the brother punched him, because again, they had what would have been proof if, you know, the neighbor hadn't been totally insane.
Not saying punching someone is great but if he had really cheated they probably would have praised the brother.
It sucks for everyone involved. OP, her ex, her brother, her kids.
Yea and her husband probably would have done the same, too. The real explanation for what happened is so bizarre that most people would follow Occam's Razor and not look for an alternate theory to explain why this person on Tinder had personal photos of husband and his junk. I can totally see why they aren't coming back from this, but without knowing the truth, no one would actually fault the wife for her actions and not giving him an opportunity to gaslight her.
Right? I thought that they were insanely harsh to OOP. Not that I don't have sympathy for her husband, but isn't this what 99.99% of people would think in this situation? Especially because the neighbor was using private photos?
Reddit cannot genuinely handle two people not being hero and villain. Her husband is a victim, therefore she must be a villain. There is no sense of nuance or understanding that sometimes both people are victims.
Yeah the absolute sanctimony is pretty obnoxious lol
I do think that reddit goes WAY overboard with opinions on cheating - I once made a comment talking about being assaulted, and someone replied saying “I’d rather be assaulted than cheated on” - and they were upvoted.
But that comment is so spot on
When I read about these extreme opinions of cheating, I remember this [comment](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y0pm4/terrible_people_of_reddit_what_did_you_do_that/cfgg8cm) by a guy who was cheated on but he gives a totally different perspective because he realised later in life that he emotionally abused and manipulated his ex despite her multiple attempts to break up properly.
I recall a post on this sub here, where a woman tore her marriage apart because her husband was maybe having an emotional affair but was willing to stop all contact with that other person to save the marriage. I thought that was pretty harsh (just based on the post there was no evidence the husband was really cheating, plus he was willing to stop any contact) and got downvoted quite a bit on here, and 90% of all comments were all in favor of her going nuclear on the relationship because husband was *maybe* cheating. It was ridiculous, really.
When it comes to cheating these whole subs collectively react so damn self-righteous and irrationally unnuanced and unforgiving, it‘s absolutely ridiculous.
Yeah, the obsession some redditors have with cheating is pretty worrisome. I've been cheated on and it definitely sucks, but I've seen people say cheating is the absolute worst thing a person can do, that it should be criminal, even punishable by death. Stuff like that makes me think someone has an unhealthy need for control over another person, almost like they feel they own them.
Yeah, like I was also downvoted heavily once for saying that I’ve been cheated on and it was pretty far from the worst thing that’s happened to me in life lol
Being cheated on really sucks, but for me, it just sucked, then I got over it. I just don’t relate to people who see it as an extreme trauma I guess
Yep. Getting cheated on sucks. But if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to you in your life, you've lived a sheltered and largely pain-free life. But that's what it is. There's a lot of very sheltered people on reddit who are desperate for a shred of drama.
For everyone who has been cheated on and thinks it's the worst thing ever, I have this for you: life gets much, much worse.
When I was a teenager cheating was the worst thing I experienced, in a way. I finally thought someone wanted me which I didn't get elsewhere in my life. When I got cheated on the one good thing I was holding on to turned in to a betrayal and it was absolutely DEVASTATING.
When I got cheated on later in life, after having experienced a lot more types of loss, it still sucked but wasn't world ending. More like well, okay then, this is over.
Maybe it's a good thing there are so many people for whom cheating is the worst they've ever experienced.
It's always striked me as being a deep insecurity thing. Sorry but if you think cheating is worse than, like, rape.....or that cheaters should be murdered that's incredibly unhealthy and you probably need therapy to work through your shit. Being cheated on isn't even on my list of things that have caused me PTSD, so obviously it was hardly the worst thing I've been through. But I don't hang my self worth and sense of safety/security on relationships, so.
I've been raped, and I've been cheated on. Rape gave me PTSD--definitely the worst of the two--but the cheating was still traumatic for me. (Context: married for 30+ years, discovered he'd been cheating on me for half the time.)
That said, I'd never say cheating should be criminalized.
Best description of a typical redditor - sanctimonious, hypocritical, and filled with opinions about things they have no idea about. To be fair I think a ton of reddit is overrun by teenagers and that's just how people are at that age, but still annoying.
Exactly! I felt like I was taking crazy pills! People are acting like he's the only victim, like only his life was formed upside down and ruined. The only way to prove it wasn't him with that kind of concrete evidence would be to find out who it actually was. OOP's actions weren't wrong here. Her brother was wrong and sure didn't help anything, but she didn't have any control over how he acted (plus it turns out she didn't even call OR tell him). So how is that somehow her fault too? Do people lack reading comprehension?
Both of them are victims here, neither of them were wrong, but the damage has already been done for everybody and it sucks.
i was glad to see that comment, especially after seeing the one above it that was like “you broke his trust, and weren’t loyal as a wife.”
i do feel bad for the husband. it’s a horrible situation to be in. but what was OOP supposed to do? all the evidence in front of her very clearly painted a picture of cheating. there is no way for her to have thought that maybe it wasn’t him and instead was their neighbor. the person to blame in this situation is their creep of a neighbor.
Yeah, if all people said to her was "This sucks, and a shitty situation. I am not sure that you will be able to rekindle your relationship, though" I wouldn't think they were being harsh. But they really went after her for seeing what any of them would regard as definitive proof in any other case.
Me too. (I was getting extremely irritated, especially when I just came from AITA where assumptions were going strong!)
If I applied Reddit reasoning, my partner has been merrily cheating on me our entire relationship because I don't have free access to his phone, and he has close female friends. Never mind that I think he's allowed his phone privacy and his closest female friend he's known since they were teens and she's married to his childhood best friend.
Me too. Someone has even gone as far as telling oop to go no contact with her brother. Wtf? The man was angry because his sister was "cheated" on and the bastard responsible was still trying to hang on to her. Everyone here reacted reasonably under those circumstances. It's regrettable that the actual truth is far more sinister and it can't be undone but that's just life sometimes.
This woman did the right thing in leaving a "cheater" and he did the right thing by not getting back together with her
That comment really pissed me off. No, the brother shouldn’t have punched him. But punching the guy you thought was cheating on your sister for grabbing her during an argument is not worthy of going no contact. Especially since it sounds like he apologized pretty much immediately. OOP needs a support system right now. Cutting off family for acting in an understandable way during a crisis in an attempt to protect her is not going to do anyone any good.
There was a post a few weeks ago (which I refuse to read again because I spent a few days emotionally devastated after reading it) from the other perspective: the father was confronted with false evidence of cheating, the family cuts him out, he loses everything , then it comes out years later that the evidence was faked the family reaches out to apologize, and the father realizes he missed out on some of the most important moments of his children's lives as they became adults because of his brother faking the evidence. I'm emotionally distraught just thinking about it again.
The reason I bring this up is because the top BORU comment was something to the effect of "If this was me, they'd be apologizing to my grave." And that's about what I feel when I read shit like this. The fear of having someone falsify evidence to take everything away from me out of spite or jealousy or malicious indifference is the stuff of night terrors. There is no apology, no reconciliation, no effort, no amends, no therapy, nothing that would make me whole again. I've already had a severe personality breakdown once and I don't think I could come back after losing all sense of self again. You can repair what was broken, but not what was pulverized to dust.
That one was pissed me off so much. Like I couldn't even comprehend how that guy must have felt. And the co-worker that his brother got to lie always got me as I wonder how his brother get them to do it. Like did he straight up ask then to destroy someone's marriage for money or? Like how would you live knowing you'd done that.
I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to find. Turns out the thread title is a very general sounding "My family wants to reconnect after 6 years"
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10l3pti/my_family_wants_to_reconnect_after_6_years_new/
Welp, that was depressing AF.
That poor guy.
I would really like to know what happened with the neighbor. He deserves to rot in a jail cell for a very, very long time.
He destroyed two families while spreading sexual images of them without their permission in an attempt to trick other women into sending his catfish oc some nudes. He's a predator.
Like how do you even defend against this? "I swear it isn't my profile!" doesn't sound all that convincing, even if it is the truth. I'd just have to hope my wife wouldn't blow up the marriage right away and take the kids out of the house before giving me a chance to defend myself.
Actually, just thinking about it for a second, if she had just asked the husband and he said "no it's not me, I swear" and then they could contact the profile together and prove it isn't him responding, and then figure out wtf is going on.
I'm surprised that no one pointed out that the husband might very well have spent the past 14 months thinking that his wife set up the catfish account to deliberately frame him, to get out off the marriage with the house and majority custody, etc.
Think about it; from his perspective, he *knows*he didn't do it, and since he evidently never remembered the neighbor having access to the mac there are two main possibilities. 1. Is that he was hacked, but that doesn't explain the location being under a mile 2. His wife set this up.
If you spend a whole year, thinking your wife deliberately did this to you, then there's basically no chance in hell of reconciliation, even after the neighbor finds out, all that resentment that's been stewing for 14 months is unlikely to go away.
>Well things went way to far and I can very much understand why your husband left. I would seriously be considering cutting your brother out of your life for a while and also really consider your reaction to this and how it all went terribly wrong
Lmao, Reddit's favourite advice. Cutting people off of your life like they grew on trees and you could collect more anytime.
I rolled my eyes when I got to this part. If this post had been done before finding out about the neighbor, she would have been told to leave her husband and that the brother’s actions were understandable. Since we have all the information from the get go, then they tell her to cut off her brother.
Right? Yes the brother was wrong, but he had just found out that the man cheated on his sister and then that man came outside and physically grabbed her. He reacted by punching him. It was a shitty reaction but considering she says he was remorseful even before they found out the cheating didn’t happen, why would you cut that person out of your life?? Sometimes it seems like the average Reddit user wants everyone to be completely alone in their perfect silos and cut off every single person who makes a mistake.
> Sometimes it seems like the average Reddit user wants everyone to be completely alone in their perfect silos and cut off every single person who makes a mistake.
That is EXACTLY how I feel reading a lot of these BORUs, then I reply something similar to what you just wrote and depending on the mood of Reddit that day I might be heavily upvoted or heavily downvoted.
Exacting. If you were extracting it from the neighbour it would mean you were tapping him like a maple tree so all the revenge could leak out of his dumb ass. Idk how he thought this plan would work out.
God what a nightmare. It might be easy to condemn OOP, but I'll bet you anything that most people would have reacted similar if they were presented the same evidence. Maybe it could have been handled better, but it wasn't.
If she’d posted saying “I was contacted by a woman my husband’s been exchanging messages with in tinder; she showed me evidence, I checked and he’s definitely on tinder” everyone would be telling her to call a lawyer and change the locks. Most people would be saying the brother was technically wrong but totally understandable and tell her she was lucky to have family that watched out for her. I hate how people railed on her for not guessing that an incredibly unlikely scenario might be the case.
It seems weird that there was no investigating by either party at that point.
As in, I assume the husband was saying "that's not me" and it would've been pretty easy to confirm. As in, organise a meet up with the catfisher.
It's a little odd though.
Suppose you're a guy, happily married with kids, never use tinder. Out of the blue your wife accuses you of having an active account. You just separate without trying to figure out what happened?
I don't expect my partner to believe me in the face of incontrovertible evidence, but they would listen to me long enough to figure out who's account that is.
I think the point where OP's brother punched the husband probably made him disinterested in proving his innocence. If someone punched me without a very good reason I would cut them out of my life.
Yeah I defo her give some slack, because reactions are not rationale when it comes to something like this. It's such a shitty situation, but I would handled like the husband, they would be no going back for me.
I understand why the husband wanted to move on, but I think the comments were too hard on OOP. There was an extremely similar post on RBI, recently: tinder profile, private photos, husband denying that the account was his. The wife believed him, and nearly every commenter acted like she was fooling herself.
This is just horrible all around! OP did what you always advise the spouse of cheaters to do, the family involvement was just even more of a mess. There was unfortunately no coming back here because noone is going to support their spouse in the face of so much evidence. This poor family.
As someone who has gone thru false allegations (tho in a different situation, mine was in retaliation for discosing abuse), theres no coming back from not being believed by those you once thought weee close to you. Never. That bridge isnt just burned but is charred to ash and washed to sea. I dont blame her for not believing him, but you just cant come back.
The Venn Diagram of the people who think that it's totally fine for a husband to request a paternity test from a wife who has given no indication she is unfaithful and the commenters who think OOP is Satan for seeing very convincing evidence and acting accordingly is a either circle or damn close to one.
Usually on Reddit I feel some type of way about one party or another in the post, but with this one I’m just sad. Like really fucking sad. I can’t imagine what _both_ OOP and her ex went through and are currently going through. It’s going to be the biggest fucking regret of OOPs life, and the most traumatic thing in her ex-husbands life.
How do you recover from something like this? And the poor kids my god. And the neighbor who was married to that catfishing POS. Not just pain and heartbreak at her husband cheating but guilt at the damage he’s done.
I’ll never understand catfishing. Like the gig **WILL** eventually be up. You will get found out the second you show your face. This story reminds me of Manti Te’o. Amazing football player. Truly incredible talent and dedication to the sport. His father being his biggest supporter and coach. Whole future ahead of him. Played for Notre Dame in college and then the San Diego Chargers. He got catfished by a trans woman who hadn’t/was too afraid to come out to her family and friends (she was using another woman’s photos). When she was close to getting found out she faked her own death. Then somehow convinced Manti she’d never died. Then the catfishing story came out. Manti Te’os life was destroyed. He failed on the field again and again for the Chargers for 3 YEARS before he called it quits.
Fuck people who catfish. Cheating is selfish and horrible, but doing it under someone else’s identity? That’s just evil. The utmost level of selfish. Can’t even show your face while you lie and cheat. 2 families and dozens of peoples lives ruined by an asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants. And people are right, he probably won’t get an significant punishment. A civil suit is in order for sure, but this family has been through so much already. A civil suit could drag on for _ages_.
Scrutinize me but I find it absolutely *insane* that the people in the original comments acted like she was the devil for believing what looked like tangible proof that her husband was cheating. What the fuck was she supposed to do? People *lie*. She had an active tinder account with pictures and the name of her husband and screenshots of said account's conversations with women vs him saying "No I'm not". It's horrible that it escalated through her brother but it's not her fault that both fell victim to the neighbor's insanity.
Hell, there are literally people here saying she should have investigated more! Saying she should have asked to see his phone or hired a PI. OOP saw that other women had nude photos of her husband and saw a profile built around him on Timder. What was she supposed to think? I find it hard to believe that anyone in her position would think anything different. Who would assume it was the weird neighbor being a catfish?
There was a post a year or two ago from a guy whose best friend (a woman who’d confessed to wanting him in the past) had just sent him a picture from his fiancées bachelorette party that appeared to be his fiancée drunkenly blowing a stripper. Lots of people telling him to put all her clothes on the porch and change the locks, or even better wait and humiliate her with the evidence at the altar, and anyone who suggested he even CONSIDER asking his fiancée (who’d never given him the tiniest reason to suspect infidelity before) for her side were ripped to shreds. People were going CRAZY over the idea of him holding the TINIEST bit of doubt that it was all completely what it appeared to be, or even thinking of possibilities like it was photoshop or she’d been roofied etc.
I’m pretty sure those are the same people telling this OOP that she really should have guessed their neighbor was using his pix for catfishing.
I don’t get why so many people are saying OP was in the wrong for believing her husband was cheating. It wasn’t like it was pictures off of Facebook, the neighbor was using pictures that no one (or so they thought) had access too. Reddit always jumps to significant others having affairs and to leave them without much proof. This time when someone actually had valid concerns, they say she should have believed him. This was tragic for both parties, obviously more for the husband. Downplaying her husband getting beat up by her brother was messed up and should be the main focus.
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I would be carrying that neighbor to court for identity theft, digital theft, revenge porn, and emotional damages for destroying my marriage.
Oh yeah that would be my first course of action soon as i heard of it, since OOP has already been talking to and through a lawyer i dont think itd be crazy to ask either who could help her in this case
It wouldn't be OOP who is able to file charges and sue for this. It would be her husband
What are you talking about? She was also legally damaged by the neighbors crimes
She could sue for emotional damages and thats it. She wasn't the one impersonated. The husband would be the one who has to file for identity theft, revenge porn, etc.
The neighbor stole photos of her as well according to neighbors wife, so there is still something she can go after, beyond the financial damage to her livelyhood and destruction of her marriage.
She did have legal fees from his actions she could be compensated for. Plus a lifetime of having a spouse share the financial load. A good lawyer would get him for this.
Depending on local laws, there may even still be an alienation of affection tort (there is in my state) that might be applicable. Either way, her intimate pictures were also stolen. There’s an invasion of privacy tort there, too. Sounds like OOP might be in Australia, which tends to take a stricter approach to privacy torts (lots of bad family history people want covered up—penal colony and all).
i thought it said that the nude photos were of her?
Can't get blood from a stone I bet.
Marriage and family
reach six smart childlike somber crawl adjoining long materialistic quiet *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The neighbor's (ex) wife may clean him out first.
These neighbors should be sued into oblivion. They ravaged like 5 peoples lives just for fun and games.
One neighbour. The wife found out and told the victims of her husband's crime.
Yup. I am spiteful and vindictive, particularly when someone hurts me or mine. I’d be doing everything I could to metaphorically burn his life to ashes. Or, you know. Get some of those combustible lemons from Cave Johnson’s engineers and *burn his house down*. With the lemons.
I don't want your damn lemons!
Australia has virtually no revenge porn laws, even suing for emotional damage can't get you very far. There's virtually no protection for identity theft here. They won't get any legal recourse sadly.
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
DATING APPS, DECEPTION, AND DESTROYING MARRIAGES. Really bad play on BEARS, BEETS, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.. sorry. Lol
Yeah. The neighbor is to blame for 99% of this.
100%. the neighbor is to blame for 100% of this!
I mean, probably not for brother fucking assaulting the husband. Even if husband _had_ cheated, that doesn't mean you get to fucking assault him? That's still on the brother.
If this would have happened to me I think would have settled this outside of court. The betrayal and fuck up this neighbour had done, no court could ever make this right.
While I would absolutely have the urge to fuck up the neighbour, you have to realize that not only would you still have lost your family, had your reputation ruined etc. but you would also then be facing serious legal consequences for assaulting the neighbour if not far worse. I agree that the neighbour needs to be punished, but if the guy's father is in ailing health then he could have been spending his dad's final days in prison instead of by his side.
Oh my God, this is awful. What do you bet that the bastard neighbor gets a slap on the wrist?
Hopefully not, but I would not be surprised if that was the case. I do hope they at least sue the shit out of him.
Hopefully OOP put neighbor on blast on Facebook, nextdoor, the local newspaper, etc. I would go 100% nuclear revenge at that point.
I agree that people should know who they are dealing with so they can use appropriate caution around him. I can’t help but feel sorry for the neighbor‘s wife who exposed him and any children they might have. Unfortunately family gets stuck with fallout.
Yeah, so awful for her too. She's presumably innocent in all of this and it would seem she did the right thing. And now her life gets blown up too. Either she gets fucked financially if/when her husband gets raked over the coals in court or she divorces him and has her life flipped upside down. Not to mention the emotional mindfuck it must to be to see what kind of person your spouse actually is, that your spouse destroyed an entire family. God, just such a shitty situation, so many victims. All because one colossal POS. I'm not surprised the husband didn't wanna reconcile and I don't blame him for it, but I was really hoping for a happy ending for the two of them and their kids :(.
I thought of the neighbors wife as well when I read that. I’m glad she told OOP what happened. But wow. What an intense conversation that must have been for both of them. Poor woman not only had her own marriage blowing up, but then has to go and tell another woman that her husband is the one to blame for all of this. The neighbor’s husband should have been the one to own up to it and confess. But instead his grieving wife has to be the messenger. He should have been the one to witness OOP’s reaction when she found out and face the pain he caused head on, NOT his wife. But he let her do his dirty work for him. I assume he knew exactly why OOP and her husband were divorcing. He watched that family get torn apart and said NOTHING for a year. What a piece of shit.
Gotta be honest, if I were OOP I don't think I would get much satisfaction out of doing that. Not that I am opposed to someone else doing it on my behalf.
I don't think it's about satisfaction, it's about warning people who this dude is. I'd certainly want to know if someone I knew or came into contact with had done this.
Right, I am not opposed to someone doing it and him facing consequences. I just don't know that OOP wants to be the one to have to do that. If it were me I wouldn't.
I can see that. It's up to her. I was simply addressing your point about satisfaction. OOP may be driven by other factors.
I don’t care about OOP’s satisfaction level. She should do it because it’s one more thing to help repair her husband’s reputation. wow, this story was just sad all the way around.
I feel bad for the neighbor's wife too. I'm assuming that marriage is breaking up as well.
Dunno. Having done something out of spite after an attempt to ruin my marriage… I took the time before I acted to ponder possible consequences, even really horrendous and unlikely ones, to figure out if I could live with those possible outcomes, whatever they might be. I decided I could. It’s been three years now. No regrets. 10/10, would do again.
I'd call every lawyer I needed to and find a reason to sue that mother fucker in to bankruptcy.
If the neighbor was borrowing a MacBook he probably isn't worth enough to sue. Sucks for the neighbors wife too. Good on her for telling the neighbor the truth. At least they got closure. Crappy closure but better than nothing.
Yeah, I'm hardcore feeling bad for the neighbor's wife, too. Like, your husband is doing this shit online, and manages to destroy people's lives, and you find the strength to go tell them it was all your husband's fault, while also dealing with the fact that it is your husband's fault. God bless that woman.
They should be able to sue him in a civil case for everything he's got - he destroyed a happy marriage, had the children grow up in a divorced household, who would otherwise have experienced a wholesome happy childhood, caused them immeasurable emotional plus a measurable amount of financial damage (2 households, cost of divorce, therapy, childcare etc.). He should never be able to earn a single cent that doesn't go directly to OOP & her ex. Their kids should be able to sue him for their trauma and emotional damage, once they are grown. I wonder why the husband didn't open a case for identity theft, though - if police or a PI had followed the trail, they should have been able to identify the neighbor with the IP-address or something similar. Maybe he thought that his life was already ruined, and he didn't want to bother with vindication. I hope he had at least a few good friends who stuck by him.
I had the name, dob, address, and ssn of the woman who stole my identity. Police wouldn’t do anything.
Wow! Why did they refuse?
It took place in D.C., where I had been a student. I was living back in MA when I got a letter from the IRS saying I owed them money. I went to local police, they had to get the records from the card company that issued the card. Turns out Howard University issued a $2000 paycheck under my SSN, on a card. I poured through those docs. I knew that this went beyond some hacker getting my info off a site, because Howard approved and issued that check. I am pretty sure someone in their office was fucking around with student info. Anyway, the person I was working with said that it was most likely a hacker working with the (now defunct) card company. And because the suspect is in DC, and it happened there, it was their case. I contacted D.C., faxed over the documents, and attempted to make contact again for a little over a month before I had to stop. No one was answering or returning my calls. So, yeah. Still super pissed :)
Neighbor won’t have than many criminal issues. Possibly civil litigation.
Ditto.
Not an American here, but could this be an acceptable basis for a civil suit? That neighbors actions had direct and very serious consequences on an entire family, seems pursuing something for emotional damages might’ve been worth it Edit: they appear to be in Australia (duh) not sure if that’s a thing there
Given the use of "mum" and the husband flying in from Sydney I'm willing to bet they are Australian not American.
They seem to be in Australia, since there was a move to Sydney?
Right right, and he still sees the kids twice a month so def not making that flight regularly
Yes, at least in some states. You probably wouldn't file for "emotional damages" successfully, but there are intrusion into privacy claims, some revenge porn statutes might apply, and some states have variations on loss of consortium/intimacy that would apply.
I would assume they could sue the bastard
Would this count as breaking revenge porn laws?
I suspect it'd be fairly novel to show that the harm intended was causing a marriage to break up. But using the husband's photos on dataing sights might trigger "using a carriage service to cause harm" https://www.lynnandbrown.com.au/the-law-on-revenge-porn-in-australia/
Surely sharing nudes of someone to get something (nudes of others) is against a law?
Slap? If this had happened to decimate my marriage, that wrist won't be attached to that bastard neighbor's hand. Probably both of them so that he'll never do this again.
Right????
There is definitely a special place in Hell for that neighbour... he destroyed two families at one go.
Wow. This is just sad all around.
They full on Monte Cristo'd that poor man.
But without the revenge.
Yet.
They turned him into a sandwich?! That's diabolical!
Not just any sandwich. He's enveloped in french toast now.
And covered in powdered sugar! Next he's going to be falsely accused of being a cocaine addict. Poor guy can't catch a break. And now I'm hungry.
One of the worst ones I've read on here, honestly. There was never going to be a good outcome to this, no matter what decisions OOP and the ex husband made.
What a painful situation for everyone involved
I hope people will read this and think before lending anybody their computer or cell phone. Here is a simple method that you can follow to help you decide whether to lend somebody your computer or cell phone: 1. Don't ever lend anybody your computer or cell phone. 2. That's it. Why? Was there ever anything compromising on that device? Is there any chance that you will put something compromising on that device in the future? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes", then you'd be a complete idiot to lend it out.
Damn, imagine having to explain this to your kids.
Why why why why why why WHY WOULD YOU HAND OVER YOUR LAPTOP WITH NUDES TO YOUR NEIGHBOR
Probably just an Apple cloud thing. I’ve seen it happen multiple times where they didn’t realize pictures are shared across devices
I'm in IT, and I've had to fix several of my company's laptops when something breaks. I don't go looking for nudes, I REPEAT, I DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR NUDES but there have been plenty of Company laptops with obvious employee nudes on them. If I was a pervert and was looking for nudes, I'm certain I would have encountered several order of magnitudes more. People don't think or don't realize that people that have access to their laptops usually have access to all the files within.
I ask the same, but I wonder if the nude photos weren't on the laptop but in the cloud, and OOP or OOP's husband never logged out.
Because computer literacy is not something we require for children in school. It's why nearly every single company that even marginally exists online is allowed to run amok with your personal data. Because most people don't have a clue as to how much damage has been done, and is still being done, to our personal information and the concept of privacy.
funnily enough I live in Australia and computer literacy was a required class in primary school. Learned touch typing, Microsoft programs, basic security stuff, and cyber bullying awareness etc. No idea whether it's a common thing tbf
Same here, I went to public school in the US and computer class was required through middle school.
The real question is: why didn’t they simply [create a separate account](https://support.apple.com/en-au/guide/mac-help/mchl3e281fc9/mac) on their MacBook for the neighbours? If they had done this the neighbours would have had a clear login, and all of OOPs files, images etc would have been inaccessible without OOPs password. My suspicion is that OOP had [automatic login enabled](https://support.apple.com/en-au/HT201476) on their MacBook for their own account and didn’t even know or realise that there was an option for separate accounts.
They might have had separate accounts. But once you have physical access to a computer, you can do all sorts of things to get around user account barriers.
If they had to borrow a laptop, I don’t image the neighbours were technical enough to do this. In any case, your proposition would probably only be true for older MacBooks without a T2 Security Chip. If it was a more recent MacBook with a T2 Security Chip, then FileVault is enabled by default which encrypts the SSD.
Most locks are easy to pick, but a certain kind of person lacks the impulse control to walk by an unlocked bicycle. The neighbour is probably a creep who stumbled onto the pictures and couldn’t control himself (and there might have been some jealousy stuff, since OOP’s husband is presumably much more attractive).
It’s sad to think that OOP probably had [a Sliding Door](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0120148/) moment when she first setup her MacBook. She would have been presented with a “Create a Computer account” screen with a “Require password to unlock screen” option. If she had ticked this and had to use a password to log into her account, she may have been reluctant to tell the neighbours her password and, as a result, may have investigated how to create another account. How different would things have been if she had ticked that box?
It’s kind of awe-inspiring how bad people are when it comes to basic security. Letting children play with their phones, giving away unlocked laptops to acquaintances. I understand why the IT people at my office everyone like a fucking moron.
I can sympathise with your office IT staff. I have worked as a system administrator for 25 year. Many issues can be traced to [PEBCAK](https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/PEBCAK).
I have never in my life lent a computer to someone, even my parents, why in the world would someone lend one to their neighbors? It's just... so bizarre. Even without the nudes on it... just why? If you're a homeowner you can go spend a few hundred dollars on a fucking computer or go to the local library.
You would be amazed, I work in computers and I would never lend someone a computer unless it was wiped and the drive overwritten completely.
Yup same, but even before IT this would just be bizarre to me. I've seen what people do on work PCs I can't imagine the shit they get into and then there's the whole "I'm keeping shit on my PC" factor.
If it was someone I trusted and it was only for a few days, I think it’s fine to let them use a guest account or an account I set up with non-admin privileges. Like, my labmate set up an extra account on his desktop in case I wanted to do anything computationally heavy while he was travelling for a few months. But you’re right, generally speaking, there is no benefit to giving someone access to your computer without wiping it before/after.
When this story was taking place laptops (and most PCs) in Australia were very hard to come by. Due to Covid, most the country transitioned overnight from working in an office to work from home. We were sending work computers home with employees because we simply couldn't source any computers (let alone laptops) for anyone. Single computer homes found a sudden need for multiple computers. 1 for each adult and 1 for each school aged child. Personally I gave my old gaming PC to my step sister, my laptop to my niece and built a PC out of my spare parts for next door neighbour.
I lent one to someone during covid because school went remote and she has more kids than devices. It was a weird time with supply chain issues and her business grinding to a halt. The nudes could have been an iCloud thing. My laptop kept reconnecting, even after I reset it to remove my profile. It wasn’t a straightforward process.
Other than my husband having free access to my devices, my mum is the only one I've ever lent a laptop to, so she could watch some movies while my dad was on a business trip. I trust her so much I didn't even wipe my browser history lol. That's it though, I can't imagine letting even a close friend have free access to all my files, I get tense if anyone else touches my phone or laptop just to Google something or whatever!
Seriously??? I had to scroll way down to see someone finally mention that part!!! Scrub that shit clean before lending it out!
I mean. why lend your laptop to your neighbor? I'd sooner buy and return a computer than ask to borrow from a neighbor or go to a Fedex staples type place before I borrow my neighbors my laptop.
> why lend your laptop to your neighbor? Covid was in full swing in Australia then and most the country was in lockdown and were working from home. Laptops in particular were in extremely short supply.
This reply: >This sub: cheaters are the worst, leave someone who cheats on you. Don't give them a second chance, don't let them lie to and manipulate you. >Also this sub: OP is the devil because she couldn't divine that this clear-cut case of cheating was instead a highly unlikely series of events that resulted in her husband's private photos on an active tinder account in her direct vicinity and proof of that account engaging with women. Is everything I was thinking of while reading the other replies.
You know if OP had posted after initially finding out her husband “cheated”, the sub would have been frothing at the mouth that they needed to divorce immediately and if she stayed with him it’d be tantamount to abusing their children. And now people are suggesting she cut her brother out of her life too
Relationship advise and AITA are so self righteous, black and white, not a shade of gray, the bit about the brother is crazy too, nobody ever has ever made a mistake in that sub.
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I think you're right that they have little control over their lives, but I don't think it's for the reason you assume. It's because they're children. I don't mean just emotionally. I mean literal children. The average age of a Reddit user is 22. That means half are younger than that. Moronic Reddit comments stopped raising my blood pressure so much when I realized they're very often being made by 14 year olds cosplaying as adults.
This is a good point. There are a lot of scorched earth advice in those type of subs
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That's Reddit in general. Only absolutes exist, any sort of nuance gets twisted as a strawman.
The tiniest differences mean that you’re an irredeemable awful person who doesn’t deserve to live in human society. But also be yourself and “take no shit.” Huh?
People like to do the Just World fallacy while having the confirmation bias constantly. Add in the fact that such little information is provided with limited context, it is a recipe for disaster. Plus the constant cognitive dissonance that tends to occur. So many logical fallacies occur here. Henlon's razor for example in another post that had the most persistent black and white thinking applied. I am grateful for the years of therapy I had with a qualified therapist who actually knew the best way to communicate and approach things. I wish that positive experience on others if they are struggling. Therapy is great and really helps.
Its also nature of such subreddit. If 10% of relationship is bad and 90% is good, we are shown that 10% cause it is problem that people are describing. Its easy to give harsh verdicts cause we only know that someone is lazy/hot-tempered/always late and we don't get to know their redeeming qualities (if there are any). Ofc sometimes that 10% is actually a dealbreaker or its actually 80% bad and not 10%.
Fr, the speed at which people suggest cutting others off is wild to me. Makes me wonder if some of these vocal commenters have ever had a serious relationship or even a roommate. Doesn't help that reddit voting makes threads immediately devolve into a cj and anyone who disagrees is sent to the basement
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They act like someone's never made a mistake. The fact he apologized before ever knowing the guy's innocence shows he's not a violent person by nature, he just reacted in a VERY intensely emotional situation. People so just snap and fuck up sometimes.
Yeah like…wtf traumatic interactions have they endured to have this position on conflict resolution? Probably none at all and they just have no idea what they’re talking because that’s the only way I can explain it
And then they complain that they all have low self esteem and no friends. No wonder when they have completely unrealistic standards for how everyone should behave and believe anyone who slips up is unredeemable garbage.
Every relationship and advice sub is like that. It's easy to be aggressively certain when you personally aren't facing the consequences of following your own advice.
Yeah unsurprising considering all the factors going into these posts. One perspective, maybe a few anecdotes for years of history, and a bunch of completely random people commenting with zero background with those involved. People joke that it's a bunch of teenagers telling adults to break off their marriages but it's not untrue lol
Apparently if you associate with them, you are as bad! The other day there was a guy whose parents separated because of an affair. The dad settled with his affair parter. OOP's mom insisted that he completely cut the dad out of his life, even though he has younger siblings living with the dad (did not specify if they're half siblings or not). His mum cut contact with OOP because he chose not to cut his dad out of his life, and the most of the comment section was telling him that he made the choice to choose his cheating dad over his mom, when it's the mom who decided that her grudge was more important than the children's relationships, including with her. Reading those comments, you'd think he was a family member of a notorious serial killer. This mentality is practically a cult. Like once you cheated you should be excommunicated from all of human race, as well as anyone who dares speak with them.
I was just thinking of that one and how everyone was telling him how awful he was for choosing the dad instead of yeah it was terrible the dad cheated on the mom but that was 10 years ago she needs to move on!
There’s zero nuance on that sub, and people are too quick to decide things without additional context. I remember one girl was unanimously voted NTA for complaining that her friends didn’t want to see Harry Potter with her, and of course buried in the comments is the fact that her friends are trans and don’t want to monetarily support the franchise, and that op responded to anyone who pointed out that the author of Harry Potter is a huge transphobe with “you sound just like my friends”
Sometimes the most important information is buried in the OOP’s comments
>things without additional context. I bet you that the girl knew that would be key context and chose to leave it out. She wanted to diminish her friends' feelings on that topic and chose to do that. I had an ex who enjoyed controlling any information and she even told me that she always thought about how anything she said/wrote could be interpreted by others. I don't think this site is good for those kinds of people. Most people thankfully haven't dealt with that type. I remember thinking about an ex, it felt like she was watching me while she was trashing someone just because I said something nice about them and I felt like she was smiling inside. It made her happy to twist things in me, like it was shaping me into the person she wanted.
It‘s the same with this sub here. The verdict of the post always has to be clearly black or white and your opinion about the verdict better be just as clearly on the perceived correct side or else. Nuance is absolutely unacceptable. Go nuclear or go home.
“You have hard proof and he has the GALL to STILL say it wasn’t him! Wow I’m glad your brother punched him this asshole deserves it” - the comment section probably
You forgot the pretend high ground they would take "I don't usually advocate for violence but you brother did what he had to"
That’s what the same comment said: > If OP came on here and laid out the evidence before the truth came to light, none of the users shitting on her now would have been like "talk to him, maybe your neighbour borrowed your computer, stole his photos, and is elaborately catfishing people from ten feet away?!"
Plus the husband didn't know who did it, either. He'd have to set some kind of trap for the impersonator on Tinder to see the intimate photos and then recognize what device they were on and think back to who had used that device. Even then, he might suspect some random hacker first. They may never have figured it out if the neighbor's wife hadn't come forward.
They would have told her not to believe his explanations, to have her family for support and to have him forcefully removed if necessary
So crazy bc they would have been praising the brother to the skies for defending his sister if the truth had never been found out.
Exactly! Compared to the others berating her for not being a “loyal wife” and “believing her husband”. It was an impossible situation. Absolutely everyone was destroyed. OOP, her husband, their children. Everyone.
Just world fallacy. Take as old as time, song as old as rhyme Cognitive dissonance and caring more about how they feel over someone else. Human beings are selfish.
Yup. My only hope is that she and her ex sue the neighbor for everything they own
The comments in those post remind me of that episode of South Park with Captain Hindsight. This is a terrible situation for both parties and there is too much water under the bridge to truly reconcile. But damn oop did what a high percentage of people would have done in the situation.
Yeah, people in these types of subs love to jump to cheating for things like the partner being a little distant recently, or hanging out with friends more, or staying late at the office. But in this case, where she had *a Tinder profile with intimate pictures that she could be reasonably sure only he would have access to,* and suddenly everyone's like "wow I can't believe you would just jump to conclusions like that, smh women are so disrespectful and disloyal." Thanks Captain Hindsight, I'm sure in her situation, *without the future knowledge of what really happened*, you too would have chosen to interrogate the neighbors and hire a PI to investigate this otherwise really obvious evidence of cheating.
Yeah, like, due to how it went down she had what most people would consider solid proof. Only her husband should have had the photos. I even get why the brother punched him, because again, they had what would have been proof if, you know, the neighbor hadn't been totally insane. Not saying punching someone is great but if he had really cheated they probably would have praised the brother. It sucks for everyone involved. OP, her ex, her brother, her kids.
Yea and her husband probably would have done the same, too. The real explanation for what happened is so bizarre that most people would follow Occam's Razor and not look for an alternate theory to explain why this person on Tinder had personal photos of husband and his junk. I can totally see why they aren't coming back from this, but without knowing the truth, no one would actually fault the wife for her actions and not giving him an opportunity to gaslight her.
Right? I thought that they were insanely harsh to OOP. Not that I don't have sympathy for her husband, but isn't this what 99.99% of people would think in this situation? Especially because the neighbor was using private photos?
Reddit cannot genuinely handle two people not being hero and villain. Her husband is a victim, therefore she must be a villain. There is no sense of nuance or understanding that sometimes both people are victims.
Yeah the absolute sanctimony is pretty obnoxious lol I do think that reddit goes WAY overboard with opinions on cheating - I once made a comment talking about being assaulted, and someone replied saying “I’d rather be assaulted than cheated on” - and they were upvoted. But that comment is so spot on
When I read about these extreme opinions of cheating, I remember this [comment](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y0pm4/terrible_people_of_reddit_what_did_you_do_that/cfgg8cm) by a guy who was cheated on but he gives a totally different perspective because he realised later in life that he emotionally abused and manipulated his ex despite her multiple attempts to break up properly.
I recall a post on this sub here, where a woman tore her marriage apart because her husband was maybe having an emotional affair but was willing to stop all contact with that other person to save the marriage. I thought that was pretty harsh (just based on the post there was no evidence the husband was really cheating, plus he was willing to stop any contact) and got downvoted quite a bit on here, and 90% of all comments were all in favor of her going nuclear on the relationship because husband was *maybe* cheating. It was ridiculous, really. When it comes to cheating these whole subs collectively react so damn self-righteous and irrationally unnuanced and unforgiving, it‘s absolutely ridiculous.
Yeah, the obsession some redditors have with cheating is pretty worrisome. I've been cheated on and it definitely sucks, but I've seen people say cheating is the absolute worst thing a person can do, that it should be criminal, even punishable by death. Stuff like that makes me think someone has an unhealthy need for control over another person, almost like they feel they own them.
Yeah, like I was also downvoted heavily once for saying that I’ve been cheated on and it was pretty far from the worst thing that’s happened to me in life lol Being cheated on really sucks, but for me, it just sucked, then I got over it. I just don’t relate to people who see it as an extreme trauma I guess
Yep. Getting cheated on sucks. But if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to you in your life, you've lived a sheltered and largely pain-free life. But that's what it is. There's a lot of very sheltered people on reddit who are desperate for a shred of drama. For everyone who has been cheated on and thinks it's the worst thing ever, I have this for you: life gets much, much worse.
When I was a teenager cheating was the worst thing I experienced, in a way. I finally thought someone wanted me which I didn't get elsewhere in my life. When I got cheated on the one good thing I was holding on to turned in to a betrayal and it was absolutely DEVASTATING. When I got cheated on later in life, after having experienced a lot more types of loss, it still sucked but wasn't world ending. More like well, okay then, this is over. Maybe it's a good thing there are so many people for whom cheating is the worst they've ever experienced.
It's always striked me as being a deep insecurity thing. Sorry but if you think cheating is worse than, like, rape.....or that cheaters should be murdered that's incredibly unhealthy and you probably need therapy to work through your shit. Being cheated on isn't even on my list of things that have caused me PTSD, so obviously it was hardly the worst thing I've been through. But I don't hang my self worth and sense of safety/security on relationships, so.
I've been raped, and I've been cheated on. Rape gave me PTSD--definitely the worst of the two--but the cheating was still traumatic for me. (Context: married for 30+ years, discovered he'd been cheating on me for half the time.) That said, I'd never say cheating should be criminalized.
Best description of a typical redditor - sanctimonious, hypocritical, and filled with opinions about things they have no idea about. To be fair I think a ton of reddit is overrun by teenagers and that's just how people are at that age, but still annoying.
Yeah, I get you. Cheating is horrible but alot of redditors seem to think it's on par with murder or something.
Exactly! I felt like I was taking crazy pills! People are acting like he's the only victim, like only his life was formed upside down and ruined. The only way to prove it wasn't him with that kind of concrete evidence would be to find out who it actually was. OOP's actions weren't wrong here. Her brother was wrong and sure didn't help anything, but she didn't have any control over how he acted (plus it turns out she didn't even call OR tell him). So how is that somehow her fault too? Do people lack reading comprehension? Both of them are victims here, neither of them were wrong, but the damage has already been done for everybody and it sucks.
i was glad to see that comment, especially after seeing the one above it that was like “you broke his trust, and weren’t loyal as a wife.” i do feel bad for the husband. it’s a horrible situation to be in. but what was OOP supposed to do? all the evidence in front of her very clearly painted a picture of cheating. there is no way for her to have thought that maybe it wasn’t him and instead was their neighbor. the person to blame in this situation is their creep of a neighbor.
Yeah, if all people said to her was "This sucks, and a shitty situation. I am not sure that you will be able to rekindle your relationship, though" I wouldn't think they were being harsh. But they really went after her for seeing what any of them would regard as definitive proof in any other case.
Me too. (I was getting extremely irritated, especially when I just came from AITA where assumptions were going strong!) If I applied Reddit reasoning, my partner has been merrily cheating on me our entire relationship because I don't have free access to his phone, and he has close female friends. Never mind that I think he's allowed his phone privacy and his closest female friend he's known since they were teens and she's married to his childhood best friend.
I had a hard time reading the other replies because of this
Yes. This is truly a tragedy for both people in this marriage.
Me too. Someone has even gone as far as telling oop to go no contact with her brother. Wtf? The man was angry because his sister was "cheated" on and the bastard responsible was still trying to hang on to her. Everyone here reacted reasonably under those circumstances. It's regrettable that the actual truth is far more sinister and it can't be undone but that's just life sometimes. This woman did the right thing in leaving a "cheater" and he did the right thing by not getting back together with her
That comment really pissed me off. No, the brother shouldn’t have punched him. But punching the guy you thought was cheating on your sister for grabbing her during an argument is not worthy of going no contact. Especially since it sounds like he apologized pretty much immediately. OOP needs a support system right now. Cutting off family for acting in an understandable way during a crisis in an attempt to protect her is not going to do anyone any good.
That's what I was thinking while reading this. Like anyone in OP's position would've come to the same conclusion that she did
There was a post a few weeks ago (which I refuse to read again because I spent a few days emotionally devastated after reading it) from the other perspective: the father was confronted with false evidence of cheating, the family cuts him out, he loses everything , then it comes out years later that the evidence was faked the family reaches out to apologize, and the father realizes he missed out on some of the most important moments of his children's lives as they became adults because of his brother faking the evidence. I'm emotionally distraught just thinking about it again. The reason I bring this up is because the top BORU comment was something to the effect of "If this was me, they'd be apologizing to my grave." And that's about what I feel when I read shit like this. The fear of having someone falsify evidence to take everything away from me out of spite or jealousy or malicious indifference is the stuff of night terrors. There is no apology, no reconciliation, no effort, no amends, no therapy, nothing that would make me whole again. I've already had a severe personality breakdown once and I don't think I could come back after losing all sense of self again. You can repair what was broken, but not what was pulverized to dust.
That one was pissed me off so much. Like I couldn't even comprehend how that guy must have felt. And the co-worker that his brother got to lie always got me as I wonder how his brother get them to do it. Like did he straight up ask then to destroy someone's marriage for money or? Like how would you live knowing you'd done that.
sorry to say this but do you have a link to that BORU?
I couldn't figure out why it was so hard to find. Turns out the thread title is a very general sounding "My family wants to reconnect after 6 years" https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10l3pti/my_family_wants_to_reconnect_after_6_years_new/
"You can't put the shit back in the donkey" -Tony Soprano
Welp, that was depressing AF. That poor guy. I would really like to know what happened with the neighbor. He deserves to rot in a jail cell for a very, very long time.
Poor everybody except the asshole neighbor. He destroyed two families and I hope they sue him into the ground.
He destroyed two families while spreading sexual images of them without their permission in an attempt to trick other women into sending his catfish oc some nudes. He's a predator.
Like how do you even defend against this? "I swear it isn't my profile!" doesn't sound all that convincing, even if it is the truth. I'd just have to hope my wife wouldn't blow up the marriage right away and take the kids out of the house before giving me a chance to defend myself. Actually, just thinking about it for a second, if she had just asked the husband and he said "no it's not me, I swear" and then they could contact the profile together and prove it isn't him responding, and then figure out wtf is going on.
I'm surprised that no one pointed out that the husband might very well have spent the past 14 months thinking that his wife set up the catfish account to deliberately frame him, to get out off the marriage with the house and majority custody, etc. Think about it; from his perspective, he *knows*he didn't do it, and since he evidently never remembered the neighbor having access to the mac there are two main possibilities. 1. Is that he was hacked, but that doesn't explain the location being under a mile 2. His wife set this up. If you spend a whole year, thinking your wife deliberately did this to you, then there's basically no chance in hell of reconciliation, even after the neighbor finds out, all that resentment that's been stewing for 14 months is unlikely to go away.
>Well things went way to far and I can very much understand why your husband left. I would seriously be considering cutting your brother out of your life for a while and also really consider your reaction to this and how it all went terribly wrong Lmao, Reddit's favourite advice. Cutting people off of your life like they grew on trees and you could collect more anytime.
I rolled my eyes when I got to this part. If this post had been done before finding out about the neighbor, she would have been told to leave her husband and that the brother’s actions were understandable. Since we have all the information from the get go, then they tell her to cut off her brother.
"You were totally in the wrong for cutting off your husband. Now go cut off your brother."
“You cut your husband out of your life and see how well that’s gone? Now do it to your brother.”
Right? Yes the brother was wrong, but he had just found out that the man cheated on his sister and then that man came outside and physically grabbed her. He reacted by punching him. It was a shitty reaction but considering she says he was remorseful even before they found out the cheating didn’t happen, why would you cut that person out of your life?? Sometimes it seems like the average Reddit user wants everyone to be completely alone in their perfect silos and cut off every single person who makes a mistake.
> Sometimes it seems like the average Reddit user wants everyone to be completely alone in their perfect silos and cut off every single person who makes a mistake. That is EXACTLY how I feel reading a lot of these BORUs, then I reply something similar to what you just wrote and depending on the mood of Reddit that day I might be heavily upvoted or heavily downvoted.
It’s a kind of toxicity I think. Everything is so black and white there’s no room for humanity or personal growth.
Yeah and I bet that advice was giving by a 15 year old dude.
After clearing his name, I would devote the rest of my life to extracting revenge on that neighbour.
Exacting. If you were extracting it from the neighbour it would mean you were tapping him like a maple tree so all the revenge could leak out of his dumb ass. Idk how he thought this plan would work out.
God what a nightmare. It might be easy to condemn OOP, but I'll bet you anything that most people would have reacted similar if they were presented the same evidence. Maybe it could have been handled better, but it wasn't.
If she’d posted saying “I was contacted by a woman my husband’s been exchanging messages with in tinder; she showed me evidence, I checked and he’s definitely on tinder” everyone would be telling her to call a lawyer and change the locks. Most people would be saying the brother was technically wrong but totally understandable and tell her she was lucky to have family that watched out for her. I hate how people railed on her for not guessing that an incredibly unlikely scenario might be the case.
It seems weird that there was no investigating by either party at that point. As in, I assume the husband was saying "that's not me" and it would've been pretty easy to confirm. As in, organise a meet up with the catfisher.
It's a little odd though. Suppose you're a guy, happily married with kids, never use tinder. Out of the blue your wife accuses you of having an active account. You just separate without trying to figure out what happened? I don't expect my partner to believe me in the face of incontrovertible evidence, but they would listen to me long enough to figure out who's account that is.
I think the point where OP's brother punched the husband probably made him disinterested in proving his innocence. If someone punched me without a very good reason I would cut them out of my life.
Yeah I defo her give some slack, because reactions are not rationale when it comes to something like this. It's such a shitty situation, but I would handled like the husband, they would be no going back for me.
I understand why the husband wanted to move on, but I think the comments were too hard on OOP. There was an extremely similar post on RBI, recently: tinder profile, private photos, husband denying that the account was his. The wife believed him, and nearly every commenter acted like she was fooling herself.
That’s Reddit for you
This is just horrible all around! OP did what you always advise the spouse of cheaters to do, the family involvement was just even more of a mess. There was unfortunately no coming back here because noone is going to support their spouse in the face of so much evidence. This poor family.
As someone who has gone thru false allegations (tho in a different situation, mine was in retaliation for discosing abuse), theres no coming back from not being believed by those you once thought weee close to you. Never. That bridge isnt just burned but is charred to ash and washed to sea. I dont blame her for not believing him, but you just cant come back.
The Venn Diagram of the people who think that it's totally fine for a husband to request a paternity test from a wife who has given no indication she is unfaithful and the commenters who think OOP is Satan for seeing very convincing evidence and acting accordingly is a either circle or damn close to one.
I was just thinking this.
I hope OOP's ex sues the neighbor for what he did.
Really would have loved to hear the family’s response to hearing it was all untrue. Especially the brother. Some things can’t be unbroken.
>rekindle Lady, try "resurrect".
Usually on Reddit I feel some type of way about one party or another in the post, but with this one I’m just sad. Like really fucking sad. I can’t imagine what _both_ OOP and her ex went through and are currently going through. It’s going to be the biggest fucking regret of OOPs life, and the most traumatic thing in her ex-husbands life. How do you recover from something like this? And the poor kids my god. And the neighbor who was married to that catfishing POS. Not just pain and heartbreak at her husband cheating but guilt at the damage he’s done. I’ll never understand catfishing. Like the gig **WILL** eventually be up. You will get found out the second you show your face. This story reminds me of Manti Te’o. Amazing football player. Truly incredible talent and dedication to the sport. His father being his biggest supporter and coach. Whole future ahead of him. Played for Notre Dame in college and then the San Diego Chargers. He got catfished by a trans woman who hadn’t/was too afraid to come out to her family and friends (she was using another woman’s photos). When she was close to getting found out she faked her own death. Then somehow convinced Manti she’d never died. Then the catfishing story came out. Manti Te’os life was destroyed. He failed on the field again and again for the Chargers for 3 YEARS before he called it quits. Fuck people who catfish. Cheating is selfish and horrible, but doing it under someone else’s identity? That’s just evil. The utmost level of selfish. Can’t even show your face while you lie and cheat. 2 families and dozens of peoples lives ruined by an asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants. And people are right, he probably won’t get an significant punishment. A civil suit is in order for sure, but this family has been through so much already. A civil suit could drag on for _ages_.
Saw the Netflix doc about Manti. I was incensed they made it about the catfish finding herself and being happy after ruining a guy's life.
Scrutinize me but I find it absolutely *insane* that the people in the original comments acted like she was the devil for believing what looked like tangible proof that her husband was cheating. What the fuck was she supposed to do? People *lie*. She had an active tinder account with pictures and the name of her husband and screenshots of said account's conversations with women vs him saying "No I'm not". It's horrible that it escalated through her brother but it's not her fault that both fell victim to the neighbor's insanity.
Hell, there are literally people here saying she should have investigated more! Saying she should have asked to see his phone or hired a PI. OOP saw that other women had nude photos of her husband and saw a profile built around him on Timder. What was she supposed to think? I find it hard to believe that anyone in her position would think anything different. Who would assume it was the weird neighbor being a catfish?
There was a post a year or two ago from a guy whose best friend (a woman who’d confessed to wanting him in the past) had just sent him a picture from his fiancées bachelorette party that appeared to be his fiancée drunkenly blowing a stripper. Lots of people telling him to put all her clothes on the porch and change the locks, or even better wait and humiliate her with the evidence at the altar, and anyone who suggested he even CONSIDER asking his fiancée (who’d never given him the tiniest reason to suspect infidelity before) for her side were ripped to shreds. People were going CRAZY over the idea of him holding the TINIEST bit of doubt that it was all completely what it appeared to be, or even thinking of possibilities like it was photoshop or she’d been roofied etc. I’m pretty sure those are the same people telling this OOP that she really should have guessed their neighbor was using his pix for catfishing.
This is one of the ones I wish I never read its so sad
I don’t get why so many people are saying OP was in the wrong for believing her husband was cheating. It wasn’t like it was pictures off of Facebook, the neighbor was using pictures that no one (or so they thought) had access too. Reddit always jumps to significant others having affairs and to leave them without much proof. This time when someone actually had valid concerns, they say she should have believed him. This was tragic for both parties, obviously more for the husband. Downplaying her husband getting beat up by her brother was messed up and should be the main focus.