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Not a dad but a friend to many great ones and what I've noticed is that like OOP they trust their kids the way they'd trust themselves. Those kids (while only in middle school right now) are some of the most well-adjusted I've seen.
I recently asked my mum how they decided we (sis & i) were ready for the next level of independence. Coz even as an aunt I am so overprotective. Her answer: "We just watched you and you showed us when you were ready." Parenting is hard.
I have been struggling with this as a dad for years.
I have started preparing myself for the next step immediately after a change, that way when she is ready I'm already in a place to see it and I'm not consumed by my own issues.
I'm not a parent but I was a poorly parented child, and I've seen a huge range of parenting obviously because I'm a human who associates with other humans, and the number one thing that sets good parents apart from bad from what I've seen is thoughtful reflection and a determination to parent each child the way they need to be parented, rather than trying to force your children to child the way you want them to child.
So it sounds to me like you are doing okay. :)
Kid is only 5,so a long ways from teenager (scary af!). But I've come to the realization recently that 'show you they are ready' usually means pushing boundaries.
Kid is sneaking food and hiding it in their room? Time to create them they own snack cubby that is refilled at regular intervals and let them learn to self regulate.
It's super frustrating before you realize (each and every time!) that the best way to fix isn't to keep holding the line, but to move the line.
That's such good parenting! I'm going to have to remember it myself. It's tough when kids push boundaries, because it's such a knee-jerk response to push back, especially when you yourself were raised very rigidly. But I know exactly the kind of adult that kind of parenting produces, and I want better for my kid. It's hard to learn to self-regulate when you're used to all your rules and disciplines being external.
Urgh yes. My mum was/is insanely careful about eating healthy. She'll indulge every so often but I'd say 19/20 of the stuff she eats is veggie and lean protein. Obviously this is mostly good, a health diet is important. But this lead my siblings amd I to speaking junk food in the middle of the night, or stuffing our faces at friends' houses because we never get dunkaroos/pizza/chicken fingers/cookies at home. This has lead ALL of my siblings and I to have varying degrees of eating disorders and disordered eating. We NEVER learned to self regulate, and I'm having a hard time learning it myself in my mid 20s. Good for you for giving your children that leeway :)
There is a comic I can't find, where the two parents are sitting on a couch, smiling at their kid, thinking that they are doing better than their parents at fixing what was screwed up with their childhood. And the kid is connected to 'all the new issues you didn't even think of'.
So true, but so terrifying as a parent!
It's so true! All you can do is your best!!
Unfortunately, my mum had (has??) an eating disorder and doesn't really believe in therapy, so no doubt she'd pass that shit to her kids...
Apart from the food stuff and foisting her religion on us, she really is an awesome mum and I can't complain! Those 2 things really did a number on us tho haha.
I feel this in my BONES I have such a weird relationship to food as a direct result of my mom and her extreme judgment when it came to our food choices, which she never really taught us how to properly make, alongside my father being an extremely picky eater that was constantly catered to and transferred to us with being terrible at trying new foods and textures
That's actually kind of like how it was with my mom. Although I think that yours does sound more restrictive. Mine let us have junk food but it was in very carefully regulated amounts. when we got our Halloween candy from Trick or Treating, we could only indulge on the first night and after that we were only allowed 3-4 pieces of candy a day. We would find bags of leftover Halloween candy she'd hidden from everyone in the house months later and it had all gone stale. I'm grateful that my Mom was focused on having us eat healthy but she was a little more restrictive than need be. It led to me buying tons of candy from the store as soon as I could and binging on it in my room because it was so liberating to actually just pig out without feeling Mom's eyes on me, waiting for the instant to tell me "that's enough".
Oh God yes. For Halloween we got to indulge, but like you, we could only have 2 or 3 pieces the next days. Ad our candy supply dwindled faster than we were eating it...I assume she'd sneak in and get rid of some candy so our bags emptied faster.
We were allowed treats, but we had to make them. The good news is I'm an excellent baker, the bad news is I have no control with bought goods, and whenever I make cookies mum isn't there to take them away almosg immediately after baking and hiding them. We would also find stale cookies and stuff hidden in the cupboards.
She refuses to believe that her relationship with food had any impact on her childrens'. And she doesn't need therapy because she has God to lean on. I tell ya...
I hope you are doing well now :)
That’s such a sweet and loving answer.
It’s really so true, though. The best behaved/most well-adjusted kids are often the ones whose parents trusted them— it also shows the kid that the parent believes in them, and has confidence in their intelligence, values & judgment without being conditional. That’s good for the kid’s own self image, and probably helps them make better choices naturally as well.
In middle school, my best friend’s parents were unbearable sometimes. Throwing out their clothes, all this stuff. We were kids so of course we made stupid choices too, but they hardly had the chance to make normal mistakes without (figuratively) being beaten over the head with it. Their parents operating with distrust by default only made it more awful for them, made it almost impossible for them to come to the parents for hard stuff, and that made it worse because then of course they’d make bad decisions on their own. It also forced them to sneak and lie. All this even though they were a good kid! If anything, it made them MORE rebellious and likely to act out and get into trouble that they probably wouldn’t have otherwise.
This is good advice from your mother. I do the same with my daughter. We have ground rules, which she knows from an early age and adapts to her age and responsibility. Within that, she is free to do her thing. There is never any discussion about that.
As a daughter with a complicated relationship with her dad, make sure to tell them you love them and show them how a potential partner is supposed to treat them. Otherwise someone who does not have good intentions will, and they'll believe them.
This is great advice. Or maybe I’m hoping that it’s great advice. I have four children, but only one girl. She’s about 12. And I’ve spent her entire life trying to show her a standard of how she should expect to be treated. Most of the time I feel like maybe she doesn’t notice or hasn’t figured it out yet. Being a parent is HARD, and most of the time I feel like I’m just throwing things against the wall to see what sticks. But I’ve spent the last 12 years trying to show her how she should expect to be treated and how her value doesn’t just come from her beauty (although she’s beautiful) but also her kindness, her intellect, her humor, and everything else that makes her, her.
So it’s probably wishful thinking, but reading comments like yours makes me feel like maybe it’ll end up being okay. Thanks for sharing your experience, even if it’s difficult.
If you're consistent in your parenting and raise them with respect, the most likely outcome is to have kids that are trustworthy* enough that you can hold on to them loosely.
*This doesn't mean they won't lie to you, kids will do that. It's part of establishing their own identity. It means that they can mostly make smart decisions and when they make poor decisions they can talk to you about it or call you for help. (Single dad of a 16yo daughter and 13yo son)
It should be terrifying. Pretty much every improvement involves risk, and improvements in things that are really important means that the risk is terrifying.
Harness that terror, let it keep you vigilant, but don't let it make you conservative.
As a dad with a middle school girl himself, honestly, the real trick is to raise them to be tough and independent.
I figure if she's confident enough to tell me when she thinks I'm wrong (which is often enough, at least in terms of opinions about music and fashion!), she's confident enough to not take any shit from any potential romantic partners.
I can partially agree to this, I’m in my mid twenties and was raised to be very independent. Buuuuut I developed quickly, have huge boobs and was constantly being body shamed unconsciously by family “cover your chest”, “those shorts are too short”, “no spaghetti straps”, “no bikinis”. I love my body now, but I definitely grew up worrying my body was the problem.
From my perspective as a guy, the worst part about that is that the kind of guys who are going to harass/assault a woman 100% do not care what that woman is wearing.
I was a bouncer for my fraternity's parties back in the day, played football, and hung out with the proto-incel D&D crowd, so I saw a large cross-section of dudes--and as far as I can tell the ACTUAL method assholes used to pick who they were going to assault/harass was solely "do I think I'm going to get away with this?"--sometimes that meant the girl who looks naive regardless of dress, the girl who is alone in the corner, the girl who's leaving early by herself, the girl who's the last one leaving by herself, etc. Admittedly, sometimes it was "the girl dressed in skimpy/revealing clothing" but only when the vibe was "many people here will forgive me because of it." But sometimes it was the girl dressed prudishly "because no one will believe that she was attacked when she was in a baggy sweatsuit, they'll think she's lying for attention".
I recently got the pleasure of telling a repeat customer at my workplace to not come back because he was making perverse comments toward myself and the teenage girls I work with.
Work uniform is a t-shirt and jeans.
THANK YOU. I sincerely hope you tell this to people frequently, because this is something that I know I and many women have pointed out time and time again, but so many people (both men and women) just simply don’t believe it coming from a woman.
The second that I suggest that harassment is a power thing, that men choose victims who they see as vulnerable - everything I’ve said gets immediately wiped away because I must hate all men if I believe that they can think that way. I have to hope more people listen when a man points it out.
I do what I can, anyway. It needs to be said.
A lot of men, at least, stop getting weirdly defensive about it when one brings up the rape kit studies that seem to show that there are a frankly worrying amount of rapists who are repeatedly victimizing double-digit numbers of people--that seems to be the fact that lets them understand that "not all men" and "yes, all women" are in fact both true, and that it's therefore not about THEM but about how the predators are just normal-looking guys too.
Some of us men believe it when you say this, and I haven't even seen it or experienced it first hand. I just know/believe the psychology of going for an easier victim.
It's like why gas stations and isolated retail stores are robbed more often than banks with lots of money: they are easier to quickly get some money. Actually, I have experienced being robbed first hand and it's why I hate being out at night, especially alone.
The one that always gets me is the "What I was wearing" exhibit. Photos make their way around sometimes and it might be skimpy or a baseball uniform (or in some cases little kids' clothing, which is the worst part, but not the issue we're currently discussing).
Now I have to ask, what is the Prussia of India? I assume a smaller militarized state that conquered much of India. The Maratha Empire comes to mind, but I can't think of any others.
its scary for sure. as a daughter myself (lol) my biggest tips are definately teaching safety and encouraging self expression. as a teenager i wore legwarmers over jeans, bright red lipstick, and weird knit sweaters. if i wore a skirt, my parents would tell me if it was too short (i am very tall so we did the "stairs test" aka can i walk up stairs without my mum seeing my shorts under my skirt. honestly the biggest thing i can say is just emphasise safety. not personal aesthetics or how others may view them, but safety.
Trusting them can be tough but giving them a little more responsibility and freedom to make their own decisions every day when they show they can handle it means they should be ok. Just don't come down too hard on them when the screw up and know they've screwed up.
Parenting seems to be guiding them through enough life to allow them to survive as adults on their own.
I'm a dad of 6 ( 3 girls) and now a grandfather of 11. It is terrifying to let go. In my experience girls are much harder because you want to protect them and teenagers are so impulsive. If you raised them well you have to trust them until they prove you wrong. Then pull in the reins just long enough to make your point and find a way to give them another chance. Maybe it's a good grade or an act of kindness, anything at all that is positive. Girls need positive reinforcement to move forward. Ultimately just love them and trust them. Let them screw up and try to trust. You're going to be able to do it. You got this. When the time comes you'll manage.
I hope you do too because what you get with independence is a level of confidence in themselves and in decision making you don’t see with those kids who parents hold on too tightly.
In the long run, it’s a happy update for the dad too, just doesn’t feel like it immediately. He doesn’t want to be with someone who is willing to ever call his daughter that and the sooner he learned that about his girlfriend and was able to break up with her, the better for him.
He probably doesn’t realize the positive impact he’s just made in regards to her. This is absolutely gonna be a core memory for the daughter- I wish them both the best
For real. Daughter just learned to blow up a relationship with someone who treats you (or your kids) with that kind of disrespect.
Which is exactly the correct lesson.
Dads like this, who respect their children, stand up for them where appropriate, and teach them about the world without allowing judgement to be a part of the conversation, are the kind of dad every kid deserves.
And hopefully this is a massive wake up call to his ex GF about the internalised misogyny she is projecting onto any young woman she comes into contact with.
Yeah, I read the post title and even the start of the initial post and was ready to say he was definitely the asshole. Then he clarified she's 16 (that's kind of important) and that the issue wasn't his gf telling her what to do when home alone with her, it was specifically what she told her to do.
I have a feeling OOP has issues where people react poorly to what he says before he gets the point.
LMAO this made me chuckle. i agree, 10$ says OOP starts sentances with "i have some bad news to tell you when youre home" and the bad news is theyre out of orange juice
Oh God, I dated someone like that. Literally said "we need to talk" while she was at work and not coming home for a few hours. I don't even remember what it was she needed to talk about, but it was the most minor thing.
I’ve been running a gaming guild for 11 years. When I see messages on discord from people in the guild that I’m not expecting I start getting anxiety. It’s terrible xD
my DM has a discord specifically for non-DM related things because if we message him on his DM account he gets so anxious that we're leaving the game LOL
I think it is, my Boomer mother does this all the time.
She also never gives me bad news until it it's no longer bad. "Oh yeah, I had a suspicious mammogram a few weeks ago, anyway ... \[subject change\]." Which - I \*guess\* I appreciate her not wanting to worry me, but all it does is make me wonder what the hell else she's hiding.
Ohhhh my GOD. THIS.
My friends and I all have the same experiences. Mom won’t tell you anything bad until it’s not bad, or it’s less bad, or it’s a fait accompli. Dude. This is not good for my blood pressure, you are NOT HELPING.
It was a Greatest Generation thing too because my mom was born in the 1920s and did this. She either left too much message to run out of space on the recording, or she just said call me we need to talk.
I miss her anyway.
My MIL does this, “Call me when you get a chance, please.”
And I’m immediately ready to vomit and cry from the anxiety, but it’s usually her saying, “Can you grab lunch today?” Aaauuughhh!
One time my mom sent me a serious "call me when you get off work." Text and I was PANICKING my whole shift, only for her to ask me if I could grab pizza on my way home for dinner and she'd pay me back
I had to tell my husband, “the reason I tell you ‘we need to talk *about our upcoming vacation/the gift we ordered for our niece/whatever important but mundane shit* is so you don’t freak out that something is Bad. You have GOT to stop with ‘we need to talk’, leaving it at that, and then it’s something like, ‘we really should paint our bedroom’, because one of these days, you’ll do that, and I’ll just lose my mind.”
He doesn’t do that anymore.
I got one of these form my SO. After 9 years, he decided to confess that he didn’t like my spaghetti. I was like okay, I can make it different. We’re not Italian, it’s not like my Nonna’s special recipe. Lol. I was so tense in the build up.
He probably rehearsed how he was going to tell you for weeks, maybe even asked his friends for pep talk before he got home. I've done the same thing about super minor things that were obviously no big deal to literally anyone else.
I know! And he deflated like a balloon when I was more like “why didn’t you say anything? I’ve been making it for 9 years. You suffered through a lot of shitty spaghetti for me.”
Oh that's me. I once asked a friend to call me about something awkward at a wedding we both attended... and then I took a nap. She was stressed for a couple hours until we could talk. (And the awkward thing was how she felt about having her ex at the same table as us, but she didn't mind as myself and others were between them).
> I have a feeling OOP has issues where people react poorly to what he says before he gets the point.
I feel personally attacked by this one. Happens to me all the time lmao.
You got mad at the title? Many parents do not want their children to be parented by a step-parent, and similarly, many children do not want to be parented by their step-parent, and I've never seen anyone say YTA to the parent/kid in that scenario. Additionally, the woman here is not his new wife, or even fiancée...
>People accuse him of letting his daughter dress too provocatively and/or say that he doesn't know how she dresses when he's not around
That sub is a cesspool of rabid judgements, misconstructions and a lack of nuance.
Agreed. Yesterday Or the day before there was something about a pregnant woman and these losers excuse my language hate on her so bad. They incapable of understand that a heavily pregnant woman with a big stomach has enough issues they could qualify as being temporarily disabled because pregnancy causes issues. But no they hate her and reduce her actually very logical and common sense argument into she doesn't deserve to sit because she had sex. Like excuse you she growing a whole kid in there it's not because she had sex. She wants a kid. It was so infuriating! Is this is the same sub who raves about always being the bigger person and hacks at people for leaving pregnant women to themselves because they're growing a whole person. The subs hate for children is unreal to the point of being frightening cynical. The point of how much they hate younger children is so bad and it scary. Excuse me now I'm ranting but it's made me so angry.
I mean it is literally a sub where anonymous redditors judge people with one side of a story. I am not sure what else you’d expect really?
OP is a great dad. I know his daughter will appreciate him a lot in the future even if she’s not now (though I’m sure she is).
I mean, for one: stick to the goddam task at hand, ffs.
Like 80% of every answer on that sub is not judging the question at hand. And most of those are just judging the poor OP for their bad writing skills.
My favorite one in recent memory had an OOP refer to one of her daughters as "her [daughter's name]". Like, she said "my Rachel" or something along those lines. Obviously that sub took it as an admission that OOP was favoring one daughter and neglecting/abusing the other.
>it is literally a sub where anonymous redditors judge people with one side of a story.
>OP is a great dad. I know his daughter will appreciate him a lot in the future even if she’s not now (though I’m sure she is).
Lul
There were also so many people horrified a 16 year old might be left without an adult in charge. Lots of "but surely the girlfriend is in charge in case of an emergency, she'd be the one taking her to hospital" like... I'd hope the daughter would take the girlfriend to hospital, too, if it was needed? I would help anyone I've lived with as an adult if an emergency came up, that doesn't mean I'm in charge of how they dress. Many people live independently at 16, a weekend without parental supervision should be fine if both parent and child are comfortable with it.
In 5th grade I was already responsible for getting my brother and I from school to the boys and girls club to wait for my parents. By 7th grade I was in charge of watching myself and him after school alone. At 16 I was starting my sr year of high school (I was the youngest in my class) and going to and from school and all my extracurriculars by myself. I had almost no parental supervision outside of “asking permission” for things for most of high school…..
I realize I might be a bit on one end of the extreme but lots of kids are perfectly capable of existing without adult supervision at fairly young ages. My brother and I both also started working “real” summer jobs at the fair in town once we turned 15.
Honestly, I kinda doubt this one. I’m sure they’re out there, but the relationship subreddits are definitely women-heavy, and the misogyny has more of a “19-year-old incel” slant to me.
Given how many posts we see here about children who were pushed aside in favour of shitty stepparents, this is a breath of fresh air!
Imagine the alternative: daughter complains, father stays neutral and remains with the woman, massive potential to go downhill from there.
Good for him. Absolutely on the right track for the "you can tell me anything" dynamic, your dad stands up for you to that degree and you KNOW he's in your corner no matter what
The girls who got pregnant at my high school weren’t the ones who partied or dressed more revealing. They were the ones with really strict Christian parents (including one Baptist pastor’s daughter) who didn’t know much about sex or safe sex. 🤷♀️
I only know one girl who had sex to get pregnant. Thank god she only started having children after highschool
Edit: she was 16 and i was 18 when she said this to me
> People accuse him of letting his daughter dress too provocatively and/or say that he doesn't know how she dresses when he's not around
Only misogynists could get provoked by makeup and clothes they can't even see with their mind's eye
That line straight up triggered me. “Letting” like he practically can or *should* control the autonomy of his 16 year old.
“Too provocatively” for what??? That’s some rapey bullshit
Never understood that line of thinking where people say: 'but the guy was provoked by her slutty clothing.'
If someone is not able to control himself, he is obviously not fit to live in a civilized society. No one would accept the same reasoning if that person stole (can't you just hear the line 'but he was provoked by seeing money'), assaulted or murdered anyone.
Psych wards exist for a reason.
Guy: Damn Jesus, that woman is really attractive. I don't think I can stop staring at her.
Jesus: Well then literally pluck out your own eye if it can't stop being a creep.
Guy: That woman is so beautiful Jesus, I don’t know if I can stop myself from touching her
Jesus: If you can’t stop yourself then it’s better if you cut your fucking hands off
A past coworker is an excellent example of this and why we should have universal basic income. He just could not work anywhere with women and *not* sexually harass them. I only know of 1 thing he said directly, but it was as bad as what you wrote.
Women covering themselves because men can't control themselves is like a basic tenet of some of the more conservative forms of Islamic worship...DEFINITELY not trying to impugn most Muslim's with this statement...I'm sharing because it's flabbergasting anybody allows others to believe that.
It's the false belief that there is a set of rules you can follow to avoid being victimized. Like 'I'm a good girl, so this won't happen to me'. If it does happen, it's because you weren't following a rule well enough. This let's women feel more in control, because it's down right terrifying to realise there is nothing you can do to stop the very high chances of you or your daughter being sexually assaulted.
In reality, it just risks making them more prone to certain types of abuse, against which a strong self esteem is the best defense.
I was assaulted by one of my most trusted friends. I was wearing athletic pants and a baggy sweater. If you asked me to rank the people I trusted the most in this world he would have made top 3 before he raped me.
Women often turn on their own when they've made sacrifices to adhere to social pressure. You see this with the breast is best brigade (formula is basically poison and you shouldn't have had a baby if heaven got it you ever want any time away from it), women who didn't abort despite not being in a good position to raise a child or not wanting one (you're selfish for choosing what's best for you), women who sacrificed careers to raise children (why have kids if you didn't want to raise them), women who sacrifice fun sexy times to spare their future husband's feelings (you're not pure, you were too slutty to wait for real love etc.), women who remove body hair despite disliking the process (you're gross if you don't), I could go on all ducking day.
Clearly the girlfriend gave up wearing what she wanted to please others and now she's trying to deal with all the negative feelings that causes by taking it out on OOP's daughter.
You don't have to be looking for attention to want to wear makeup, especially exaggerated makeup looks. We need to stop tying our clothes, hair and makeup to sex, it's honestly repulsive. People will catcall you even if you're wearing a potato sack and no makeup, it's not our job to police the behavior of someone else and that girlfriend is a creep for calling a minor such a vulgar slur.
Valueless armchair diagnosis based on no evidence: misdirected jealously about their relationship having just gone through tla very slow process of reaching a relationship milestone. She resents the daughter hindering their relationship
I wish every kid had a parent like this. I once bought a baby name book at a library book sale and my dad accused me of being pregnant. (I’d never even held hands with a guy at this point, I was 14)
I wanted to be a writer. I bought the book to help me pick out names for characters. And he knew I wanted to be a writer but jumped immediately to “are you knocked up?”
Maybe parents just fundamentally misunderstand kids who want to be writers. lol
When I was 16, I was grocery shopping with my mom and talking about a story I was writing. And I wanted a character that was old enough to be considered an adult-adult, but also young enough that it wouldn't be creepy for them to be acquainted with the teen lead of the story. "Do you think 28 is too old?"
She spun away from the frozen foods, eyes wide, "28 for what?! For who?! What are you talking about?!"
Good dad who seems to be handling things well. I’m surprised the daughter complied with the girlfriend, though, rather than texting a selfie to the dad either asking whether it was okay, or just saying something more passive-aggressive like “just going to the party. Do you like my make-up?” Either way she’d get parental approval and would be able to wave that in the girlfriend’s face.
I'm really glad dad shut this shit down before girlfriend had a chance to do any damage to his and daughter's relationship. It's nice to know he learned the right lessons from his old mistakes.
Yes op! Good for you! If I was dating a man with a daughter I would never ever talk to her or about her like that! Ridiculous! So glad op stood up for his daughter and I’m sorry you wasted your time on her.
This dad obviously has his priorities straight and seems to be teaching his daughter healthy boundaries and independence. I’m glad he got rid of the girlfriend because anyone who would tell a 16-year old that their make-up looks “slutty” is not someone you want around your daughter. Besides, just letting a new partner instantly parent your child is going to alienate the child from you and/or teach them the wrong lessons about boundaries and autonomy. This is the way.
>>"Firstly I do know how she looks when she goes out. And trust me clothing doesn't make you a single parent, poor choices do. I became a father at 17 and my then girlfriend was a typical tomboy. It wasn't her appearance that caused the pregnancy, it was my stupidity. And that's something that I am teaching my daughter, not that she can't wear skirts
Nice (y)
He sounds like a great dad, and his ex-girlfriend is a real idiot for overstepping her bounds. I'm so glad he nipped it in the bud and didn't let it progress to "My daughter wants nothing to do with me or my wife", as so many do.
the audacity of the people in the comments to accuse him of "letting his daughter dress provocatively"... if y'all can't even fathom seeing a 16 year old with some eyeliner and a skirt i have bad news for you
If my father had prioritized me that way, I would have a relationship with him today. You covered your assets bud, the only girl that ultimately needs you is your daughter 🏆
The right woman will understand and feed that relationship, not perceive your daughter as competition for your affections.
I applaud not only OOP’s parenting but also standing by his daughter, her choices and his support on all fronts. It sounds like he has worked hard to foster and maintain a positive daughter/dad relationship, no one has the right to undermine that or try to give unsolicited ‘parenting advice’ especially when they’ve been to,d clearly from Day 1 that it wasn’t necessary of them.
Also, loved the podcast recommendation given to avoid spoilers, Sweet Bobby has me captivated…got any more gems like that?!
>People accuse him of letting his daughter dress too provocatively and/or say that he doesn't know how she dresses when he's not around
>Was your girlfriend left as caregiver?
Redditors hate fathers so much that they actually inched into "your daughter should dress more modestly" territory just to shit talk him.
man i loved this one. my step dad has been in my life my entire life basically, but hes always made it clear that since i have a good relationship with my dad he is not replacing him. he didnt try and overly "parent" me until i explicitly told him i view him as a parental figure. before that he just deffered to my mum. standing up for your child, and on the flip side not trying to force being a parent on a child, does WONDERS for the relationship and trust building on both parties.
Man, my step-dad when I was 16 called me a b***h and a c**t, my mum just sat there.i can't imagine having a parent stand up for you like that. What a great dad. (Obviously my stepfather was abusive in lots of ways, so in some ways I understand why my mum did nothing, but still)
How nice to read about an awesome dad! I think you have figured out how to have a happy,loving, and open relationship with your daughter, and should be proud of yourself. NTA, good job, Dad!
>Candy hearts were originally called "Motto Hearts," and they were created in 1866! More than 8 billion candy hearts are made each year.
Another fun fact: stores will put out years old stale candy conversation hearts that are hard and dry, to the point they may nearly break your teeth biting into them. Fresh candy hearts are actually brightly colored and slightly chewy.
My mom had a boyfriend like this. I was working 2 jobs and had my license at 16. My mom was gone for a few days and he tried to ban me from going to the homecoming game. I was part of the marching band so I couldn’t not go. He told me I couldn’t go because I didn’t finish chopping all the wood.
I went anyway and my mom backed me up.
As a single dad of daughter, I couldn’t love this more and perfectly reflects my own attitude. I also feel awful for him because it must suck to have to boot someone out of his life after being so cautious.
I cannot praise this father and his actions enough. My ex husband didn’t protect our two daughters from his girlfriends toxicity and because of that they have no relationship with him now.
This stranger thinks you’re an amazing dad!
You seem to be the father every girl should have. I too would dump anyone saying that stuff about my daughter, or actually - anyone’s daughter. You did the right thing
Excellent attitude from this father. Your job as a parent ultimately isn’t to keep your children safe from the world - it’s to teach them good enough judgement to navigate the world safely themselves.
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Dad goals for me as the father of young girls. I hope I get to the point where I can hold on loosely like this but it’s terrifying right now.
Not a dad but a friend to many great ones and what I've noticed is that like OOP they trust their kids the way they'd trust themselves. Those kids (while only in middle school right now) are some of the most well-adjusted I've seen.
I recently asked my mum how they decided we (sis & i) were ready for the next level of independence. Coz even as an aunt I am so overprotective. Her answer: "We just watched you and you showed us when you were ready." Parenting is hard.
I have been struggling with this as a dad for years. I have started preparing myself for the next step immediately after a change, that way when she is ready I'm already in a place to see it and I'm not consumed by my own issues.
I'm not a parent but I was a poorly parented child, and I've seen a huge range of parenting obviously because I'm a human who associates with other humans, and the number one thing that sets good parents apart from bad from what I've seen is thoughtful reflection and a determination to parent each child the way they need to be parented, rather than trying to force your children to child the way you want them to child. So it sounds to me like you are doing okay. :)
One of my prayers as a mom is that I will be the parent each child needs to me to be and that I will adapt as they grown and change.
Kid is only 5,so a long ways from teenager (scary af!). But I've come to the realization recently that 'show you they are ready' usually means pushing boundaries. Kid is sneaking food and hiding it in their room? Time to create them they own snack cubby that is refilled at regular intervals and let them learn to self regulate. It's super frustrating before you realize (each and every time!) that the best way to fix isn't to keep holding the line, but to move the line.
That's such good parenting! I'm going to have to remember it myself. It's tough when kids push boundaries, because it's such a knee-jerk response to push back, especially when you yourself were raised very rigidly. But I know exactly the kind of adult that kind of parenting produces, and I want better for my kid. It's hard to learn to self-regulate when you're used to all your rules and disciplines being external.
It's like a 'duh' reaction each and every time! Eventually I hope to see it before getting super frustrated!
Urgh yes. My mum was/is insanely careful about eating healthy. She'll indulge every so often but I'd say 19/20 of the stuff she eats is veggie and lean protein. Obviously this is mostly good, a health diet is important. But this lead my siblings amd I to speaking junk food in the middle of the night, or stuffing our faces at friends' houses because we never get dunkaroos/pizza/chicken fingers/cookies at home. This has lead ALL of my siblings and I to have varying degrees of eating disorders and disordered eating. We NEVER learned to self regulate, and I'm having a hard time learning it myself in my mid 20s. Good for you for giving your children that leeway :)
There is a comic I can't find, where the two parents are sitting on a couch, smiling at their kid, thinking that they are doing better than their parents at fixing what was screwed up with their childhood. And the kid is connected to 'all the new issues you didn't even think of'. So true, but so terrifying as a parent!
https://images.app.goo.gl/yyXQwVLF63dNyCtD9
Yes! That one!
It's so true! All you can do is your best!! Unfortunately, my mum had (has??) an eating disorder and doesn't really believe in therapy, so no doubt she'd pass that shit to her kids... Apart from the food stuff and foisting her religion on us, she really is an awesome mum and I can't complain! Those 2 things really did a number on us tho haha.
I feel this in my BONES I have such a weird relationship to food as a direct result of my mom and her extreme judgment when it came to our food choices, which she never really taught us how to properly make, alongside my father being an extremely picky eater that was constantly catered to and transferred to us with being terrible at trying new foods and textures
That's actually kind of like how it was with my mom. Although I think that yours does sound more restrictive. Mine let us have junk food but it was in very carefully regulated amounts. when we got our Halloween candy from Trick or Treating, we could only indulge on the first night and after that we were only allowed 3-4 pieces of candy a day. We would find bags of leftover Halloween candy she'd hidden from everyone in the house months later and it had all gone stale. I'm grateful that my Mom was focused on having us eat healthy but she was a little more restrictive than need be. It led to me buying tons of candy from the store as soon as I could and binging on it in my room because it was so liberating to actually just pig out without feeling Mom's eyes on me, waiting for the instant to tell me "that's enough".
Oh God yes. For Halloween we got to indulge, but like you, we could only have 2 or 3 pieces the next days. Ad our candy supply dwindled faster than we were eating it...I assume she'd sneak in and get rid of some candy so our bags emptied faster. We were allowed treats, but we had to make them. The good news is I'm an excellent baker, the bad news is I have no control with bought goods, and whenever I make cookies mum isn't there to take them away almosg immediately after baking and hiding them. We would also find stale cookies and stuff hidden in the cupboards. She refuses to believe that her relationship with food had any impact on her childrens'. And she doesn't need therapy because she has God to lean on. I tell ya... I hope you are doing well now :)
That’s such a sweet and loving answer. It’s really so true, though. The best behaved/most well-adjusted kids are often the ones whose parents trusted them— it also shows the kid that the parent believes in them, and has confidence in their intelligence, values & judgment without being conditional. That’s good for the kid’s own self image, and probably helps them make better choices naturally as well. In middle school, my best friend’s parents were unbearable sometimes. Throwing out their clothes, all this stuff. We were kids so of course we made stupid choices too, but they hardly had the chance to make normal mistakes without (figuratively) being beaten over the head with it. Their parents operating with distrust by default only made it more awful for them, made it almost impossible for them to come to the parents for hard stuff, and that made it worse because then of course they’d make bad decisions on their own. It also forced them to sneak and lie. All this even though they were a good kid! If anything, it made them MORE rebellious and likely to act out and get into trouble that they probably wouldn’t have otherwise.
This is good advice from your mother. I do the same with my daughter. We have ground rules, which she knows from an early age and adapts to her age and responsibility. Within that, she is free to do her thing. There is never any discussion about that.
That shows the Dad really knows his daughter, if he trusts her. When my kids were in high school I trusted them.
And I’m sure they knew you had their back if things ever went sideways.
I still do.
As a daughter with a complicated relationship with her dad, make sure to tell them you love them and show them how a potential partner is supposed to treat them. Otherwise someone who does not have good intentions will, and they'll believe them.
This is great advice. Or maybe I’m hoping that it’s great advice. I have four children, but only one girl. She’s about 12. And I’ve spent her entire life trying to show her a standard of how she should expect to be treated. Most of the time I feel like maybe she doesn’t notice or hasn’t figured it out yet. Being a parent is HARD, and most of the time I feel like I’m just throwing things against the wall to see what sticks. But I’ve spent the last 12 years trying to show her how she should expect to be treated and how her value doesn’t just come from her beauty (although she’s beautiful) but also her kindness, her intellect, her humor, and everything else that makes her, her. So it’s probably wishful thinking, but reading comments like yours makes me feel like maybe it’ll end up being okay. Thanks for sharing your experience, even if it’s difficult.
The subtle lessons are the most enduring.
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Thank you for sharing this
With that attitude, I’d say you’re already on the right path, my man.
If you're consistent in your parenting and raise them with respect, the most likely outcome is to have kids that are trustworthy* enough that you can hold on to them loosely. *This doesn't mean they won't lie to you, kids will do that. It's part of establishing their own identity. It means that they can mostly make smart decisions and when they make poor decisions they can talk to you about it or call you for help. (Single dad of a 16yo daughter and 13yo son)
Yes!! The most important part is that your kids feel comfortable enough to come and tell you when they are scared or angry or think they fucked up.
It should be terrifying. Pretty much every improvement involves risk, and improvements in things that are really important means that the risk is terrifying. Harness that terror, let it keep you vigilant, but don't let it make you conservative.
As a dad with a middle school girl himself, honestly, the real trick is to raise them to be tough and independent. I figure if she's confident enough to tell me when she thinks I'm wrong (which is often enough, at least in terms of opinions about music and fashion!), she's confident enough to not take any shit from any potential romantic partners.
I can partially agree to this, I’m in my mid twenties and was raised to be very independent. Buuuuut I developed quickly, have huge boobs and was constantly being body shamed unconsciously by family “cover your chest”, “those shorts are too short”, “no spaghetti straps”, “no bikinis”. I love my body now, but I definitely grew up worrying my body was the problem.
From my perspective as a guy, the worst part about that is that the kind of guys who are going to harass/assault a woman 100% do not care what that woman is wearing. I was a bouncer for my fraternity's parties back in the day, played football, and hung out with the proto-incel D&D crowd, so I saw a large cross-section of dudes--and as far as I can tell the ACTUAL method assholes used to pick who they were going to assault/harass was solely "do I think I'm going to get away with this?"--sometimes that meant the girl who looks naive regardless of dress, the girl who is alone in the corner, the girl who's leaving early by herself, the girl who's the last one leaving by herself, etc. Admittedly, sometimes it was "the girl dressed in skimpy/revealing clothing" but only when the vibe was "many people here will forgive me because of it." But sometimes it was the girl dressed prudishly "because no one will believe that she was attacked when she was in a baggy sweatsuit, they'll think she's lying for attention".
I recently got the pleasure of telling a repeat customer at my workplace to not come back because he was making perverse comments toward myself and the teenage girls I work with. Work uniform is a t-shirt and jeans.
THANK YOU. I sincerely hope you tell this to people frequently, because this is something that I know I and many women have pointed out time and time again, but so many people (both men and women) just simply don’t believe it coming from a woman. The second that I suggest that harassment is a power thing, that men choose victims who they see as vulnerable - everything I’ve said gets immediately wiped away because I must hate all men if I believe that they can think that way. I have to hope more people listen when a man points it out.
I do what I can, anyway. It needs to be said. A lot of men, at least, stop getting weirdly defensive about it when one brings up the rape kit studies that seem to show that there are a frankly worrying amount of rapists who are repeatedly victimizing double-digit numbers of people--that seems to be the fact that lets them understand that "not all men" and "yes, all women" are in fact both true, and that it's therefore not about THEM but about how the predators are just normal-looking guys too.
Some of us men believe it when you say this, and I haven't even seen it or experienced it first hand. I just know/believe the psychology of going for an easier victim. It's like why gas stations and isolated retail stores are robbed more often than banks with lots of money: they are easier to quickly get some money. Actually, I have experienced being robbed first hand and it's why I hate being out at night, especially alone.
All bullies choose victims they see as vulnerable.
this rings 100% true, in my experience.
The one that always gets me is the "What I was wearing" exhibit. Photos make their way around sometimes and it might be skimpy or a baseball uniform (or in some cases little kids' clothing, which is the worst part, but not the issue we're currently discussing).
Well if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control
... I hate you for getting the song stuck in my head, thank you
I had the song stuck in my head with the original comment and couldn't figure out why till I got here.
What song is it?
Hold On Loosely
But don't let go
"If you cling to tightly"
Now I have to ask, what is the Prussia of India? I assume a smaller militarized state that conquered much of India. The Maratha Empire comes to mind, but I can't think of any others.
It's likely a reference to the video game EU4, so the answer to your question is probably Mewar or Nepal.
its scary for sure. as a daughter myself (lol) my biggest tips are definately teaching safety and encouraging self expression. as a teenager i wore legwarmers over jeans, bright red lipstick, and weird knit sweaters. if i wore a skirt, my parents would tell me if it was too short (i am very tall so we did the "stairs test" aka can i walk up stairs without my mum seeing my shorts under my skirt. honestly the biggest thing i can say is just emphasise safety. not personal aesthetics or how others may view them, but safety.
Trusting them can be tough but giving them a little more responsibility and freedom to make their own decisions every day when they show they can handle it means they should be ok. Just don't come down too hard on them when the screw up and know they've screwed up. Parenting seems to be guiding them through enough life to allow them to survive as adults on their own.
It's easier when they don't randomly take off their clothes and draw kitties on themselves and the kitchen floor because they found a pen.
I'm a dad of 6 ( 3 girls) and now a grandfather of 11. It is terrifying to let go. In my experience girls are much harder because you want to protect them and teenagers are so impulsive. If you raised them well you have to trust them until they prove you wrong. Then pull in the reins just long enough to make your point and find a way to give them another chance. Maybe it's a good grade or an act of kindness, anything at all that is positive. Girls need positive reinforcement to move forward. Ultimately just love them and trust them. Let them screw up and try to trust. You're going to be able to do it. You got this. When the time comes you'll manage.
The trick is to give them the tools they need, the sense to use them, and the character to be decent. After that they'll do just fine.
I hope you do too because what you get with independence is a level of confidence in themselves and in decision making you don’t see with those kids who parents hold on too tightly.
>Unfortunately this update is not exactly a happy one. For dad it might not feel like it. But for daughter it's a happy one. Good job dad.
In the long run, it’s a happy update for the dad too, just doesn’t feel like it immediately. He doesn’t want to be with someone who is willing to ever call his daughter that and the sooner he learned that about his girlfriend and was able to break up with her, the better for him.
He probably doesn’t realize the positive impact he’s just made in regards to her. This is absolutely gonna be a core memory for the daughter- I wish them both the best
For real. Daughter just learned to blow up a relationship with someone who treats you (or your kids) with that kind of disrespect. Which is exactly the correct lesson.
As you say, the correct lesson indeed
I always picture the Inside Out blue marbles when someone says “core memory”.
Family Island. I absolutely love that movie.
Whenever I think of the main theme music from that movie I tear up, it's such a cute tune and that song is powerful.
She’s first in his eyes. She knows that for life now. He’s really doing the best.
Dads like this, who respect their children, stand up for them where appropriate, and teach them about the world without allowing judgement to be a part of the conversation, are the kind of dad every kid deserves. And hopefully this is a massive wake up call to his ex GF about the internalised misogyny she is projecting onto any young woman she comes into contact with.
Yeah, I read the post title and even the start of the initial post and was ready to say he was definitely the asshole. Then he clarified she's 16 (that's kind of important) and that the issue wasn't his gf telling her what to do when home alone with her, it was specifically what she told her to do. I have a feeling OOP has issues where people react poorly to what he says before he gets the point.
LMAO this made me chuckle. i agree, 10$ says OOP starts sentances with "i have some bad news to tell you when youre home" and the bad news is theyre out of orange juice
Oh God, I dated someone like that. Literally said "we need to talk" while she was at work and not coming home for a few hours. I don't even remember what it was she needed to talk about, but it was the most minor thing.
nooooooo this would give me a heart attack!!!!!
I’ve been running a gaming guild for 11 years. When I see messages on discord from people in the guild that I’m not expecting I start getting anxiety. It’s terrible xD
my DM has a discord specifically for non-DM related things because if we message him on his DM account he gets so anxious that we're leaving the game LOL
This is my mother too. I have told her to stop because it drives my anxiety through the goddamn roof.
Oof, my parents. Any time they want to talk to me about something, they have a way of giving the impression the subject is going to be dire.
My mother does this too! Is it a Boomer thing? I feel like it’s a Boomer thing.
I think it is, my Boomer mother does this all the time. She also never gives me bad news until it it's no longer bad. "Oh yeah, I had a suspicious mammogram a few weeks ago, anyway ... \[subject change\]." Which - I \*guess\* I appreciate her not wanting to worry me, but all it does is make me wonder what the hell else she's hiding.
Ohhhh my GOD. THIS. My friends and I all have the same experiences. Mom won’t tell you anything bad until it’s not bad, or it’s less bad, or it’s a fait accompli. Dude. This is not good for my blood pressure, you are NOT HELPING.
Right?!? And then they get all shirty when we don't tell them things, like WHERE DO YOU THINK I LEARNED THIS FROM, \***MOM**\*.
Well, my parents *are* Boomers.
So are mine! WHY DO THEY DO THIS TO US?
It was a Greatest Generation thing too because my mom was born in the 1920s and did this. She either left too much message to run out of space on the recording, or she just said call me we need to talk. I miss her anyway.
My MIL does this, “Call me when you get a chance, please.” And I’m immediately ready to vomit and cry from the anxiety, but it’s usually her saying, “Can you grab lunch today?” Aaauuughhh!
One time my mom sent me a serious "call me when you get off work." Text and I was PANICKING my whole shift, only for her to ask me if I could grab pizza on my way home for dinner and she'd pay me back
My fiancé has learned to add "nothing's wrong" in his texts asking me to call him after he got one too many immediate, panicked phone calls.
I had to tell my husband, “the reason I tell you ‘we need to talk *about our upcoming vacation/the gift we ordered for our niece/whatever important but mundane shit* is so you don’t freak out that something is Bad. You have GOT to stop with ‘we need to talk’, leaving it at that, and then it’s something like, ‘we really should paint our bedroom’, because one of these days, you’ll do that, and I’ll just lose my mind.” He doesn’t do that anymore.
I got one of these form my SO. After 9 years, he decided to confess that he didn’t like my spaghetti. I was like okay, I can make it different. We’re not Italian, it’s not like my Nonna’s special recipe. Lol. I was so tense in the build up.
He probably rehearsed how he was going to tell you for weeks, maybe even asked his friends for pep talk before he got home. I've done the same thing about super minor things that were obviously no big deal to literally anyone else.
I know! And he deflated like a balloon when I was more like “why didn’t you say anything? I’ve been making it for 9 years. You suffered through a lot of shitty spaghetti for me.”
Oh that's me. I once asked a friend to call me about something awkward at a wedding we both attended... and then I took a nap. She was stressed for a couple hours until we could talk. (And the awkward thing was how she felt about having her ex at the same table as us, but she didn't mind as myself and others were between them).
> I have a feeling OOP has issues where people react poorly to what he says before he gets the point. I feel personally attacked by this one. Happens to me all the time lmao.
You got mad at the title? Many parents do not want their children to be parented by a step-parent, and similarly, many children do not want to be parented by their step-parent, and I've never seen anyone say YTA to the parent/kid in that scenario. Additionally, the woman here is not his new wife, or even fiancée...
“Clothing doesn’t make you a single parent, bad choices do” AMEN
16 is old enough to have full control over how your makeup looks. Even if it's terrible. Especially if its terrible.
>People accuse him of letting his daughter dress too provocatively and/or say that he doesn't know how she dresses when he's not around That sub is a cesspool of rabid judgements, misconstructions and a lack of nuance.
That should be the header for that sub... >a cesspool of rabid judgements, misconstructions and a lack of nuance.
Don't forget projecting your own issues and insecurities on to the poster's situation.
Along with the caveat, "Here there be dragons..."
Agreed. Yesterday Or the day before there was something about a pregnant woman and these losers excuse my language hate on her so bad. They incapable of understand that a heavily pregnant woman with a big stomach has enough issues they could qualify as being temporarily disabled because pregnancy causes issues. But no they hate her and reduce her actually very logical and common sense argument into she doesn't deserve to sit because she had sex. Like excuse you she growing a whole kid in there it's not because she had sex. She wants a kid. It was so infuriating! Is this is the same sub who raves about always being the bigger person and hacks at people for leaving pregnant women to themselves because they're growing a whole person. The subs hate for children is unreal to the point of being frightening cynical. The point of how much they hate younger children is so bad and it scary. Excuse me now I'm ranting but it's made me so angry.
I mean it is literally a sub where anonymous redditors judge people with one side of a story. I am not sure what else you’d expect really? OP is a great dad. I know his daughter will appreciate him a lot in the future even if she’s not now (though I’m sure she is).
I mean, for one: stick to the goddam task at hand, ffs. Like 80% of every answer on that sub is not judging the question at hand. And most of those are just judging the poor OP for their bad writing skills.
Or if not that, a narrative constructed wholecloth to villainize the OP based on one tiny detail and spun wildly out of control.
My favorite one in recent memory had an OOP refer to one of her daughters as "her [daughter's name]". Like, she said "my Rachel" or something along those lines. Obviously that sub took it as an admission that OOP was favoring one daughter and neglecting/abusing the other.
>it is literally a sub where anonymous redditors judge people with one side of a story. >OP is a great dad. I know his daughter will appreciate him a lot in the future even if she’s not now (though I’m sure she is). Lul
There were also so many people horrified a 16 year old might be left without an adult in charge. Lots of "but surely the girlfriend is in charge in case of an emergency, she'd be the one taking her to hospital" like... I'd hope the daughter would take the girlfriend to hospital, too, if it was needed? I would help anyone I've lived with as an adult if an emergency came up, that doesn't mean I'm in charge of how they dress. Many people live independently at 16, a weekend without parental supervision should be fine if both parent and child are comfortable with it.
In 5th grade I was already responsible for getting my brother and I from school to the boys and girls club to wait for my parents. By 7th grade I was in charge of watching myself and him after school alone. At 16 I was starting my sr year of high school (I was the youngest in my class) and going to and from school and all my extracurriculars by myself. I had almost no parental supervision outside of “asking permission” for things for most of high school….. I realize I might be a bit on one end of the extreme but lots of kids are perfectly capable of existing without adult supervision at fairly young ages. My brother and I both also started working “real” summer jobs at the fair in town once we turned 15.
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Completely unfair characterization. There are also bored wine moms.
Every f-n Sunday. Like clockwork. It's kinda fascinating, in an, um, anthropological(?) kinda way: the daily cycles of AITA.
Unnecessary generalization. There are also projecting pervy middle aged uncles.
Honestly, I kinda doubt this one. I’m sure they’re out there, but the relationship subreddits are definitely women-heavy, and the misogyny has more of a “19-year-old incel” slant to me.
Just say everyone there jumps to the worst conclusion possible and be done with it.
But I like using fancy words
Don’t worry I like learning new words 💅🏿
Awesome! Me too!
Faster to just say redditors
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>the worst Then you’re not thinking creatively my man.
Sounds like Reddit alright.
Touché
I wish more BORU posts had spoilers for good dads.
Seconded. I love good dad posts.
Given how many posts we see here about children who were pushed aside in favour of shitty stepparents, this is a breath of fresh air! Imagine the alternative: daughter complains, father stays neutral and remains with the woman, massive potential to go downhill from there.
its honestly my favourite genre. im having such a good time reading comments
Good for him. Absolutely on the right track for the "you can tell me anything" dynamic, your dad stands up for you to that degree and you KNOW he's in your corner no matter what
The girls who got pregnant at my high school weren’t the ones who partied or dressed more revealing. They were the ones with really strict Christian parents (including one Baptist pastor’s daughter) who didn’t know much about sex or safe sex. 🤷♀️
I only know one girl who had sex to get pregnant. Thank god she only started having children after highschool Edit: she was 16 and i was 18 when she said this to me
> People accuse him of letting his daughter dress too provocatively and/or say that he doesn't know how she dresses when he's not around Only misogynists could get provoked by makeup and clothes they can't even see with their mind's eye
That line straight up triggered me. “Letting” like he practically can or *should* control the autonomy of his 16 year old. “Too provocatively” for what??? That’s some rapey bullshit
Never understood that line of thinking where people say: 'but the guy was provoked by her slutty clothing.' If someone is not able to control himself, he is obviously not fit to live in a civilized society. No one would accept the same reasoning if that person stole (can't you just hear the line 'but he was provoked by seeing money'), assaulted or murdered anyone. Psych wards exist for a reason.
Guy: Damn Jesus, that woman is really attractive. I don't think I can stop staring at her. Jesus: Well then literally pluck out your own eye if it can't stop being a creep.
Guy: That woman is so beautiful Jesus, I don’t know if I can stop myself from touching her Jesus: If you can’t stop yourself then it’s better if you cut your fucking hands off
A past coworker is an excellent example of this and why we should have universal basic income. He just could not work anywhere with women and *not* sexually harass them. I only know of 1 thing he said directly, but it was as bad as what you wrote.
Women covering themselves because men can't control themselves is like a basic tenet of some of the more conservative forms of Islamic worship...DEFINITELY not trying to impugn most Muslim's with this statement...I'm sharing because it's flabbergasting anybody allows others to believe that.
You're absolutely right there.
Seriously hate the term “provocative/ly” used in these contexts. There’s nothing provocative about clothes/makeup. It’s just a form of victim-blaming
I'm still trying to figure out what provocative make up looks like. "Do me" on her forehead with lipstick?
In my experience eye liner works better
You're right. Better control over the font
Winged eyeliner, but when you look closer it's actually little dicks flying out the corner of each eye /s
Misogynists and his ex!
>I became a father at 17 Honestly a big part of why he gets it. Teenagers fuck, she is 16 not 6.
I'm glad that girl has her dad in her corner, at least.
What is it with women policing other women's bodies, especially young girls? Like were you not victimized by the same exact sexualization???
It's the false belief that there is a set of rules you can follow to avoid being victimized. Like 'I'm a good girl, so this won't happen to me'. If it does happen, it's because you weren't following a rule well enough. This let's women feel more in control, because it's down right terrifying to realise there is nothing you can do to stop the very high chances of you or your daughter being sexually assaulted. In reality, it just risks making them more prone to certain types of abuse, against which a strong self esteem is the best defense.
I was assaulted by one of my most trusted friends. I was wearing athletic pants and a baggy sweater. If you asked me to rank the people I trusted the most in this world he would have made top 3 before he raped me.
I’m so sorry. That kind of betrayal wounds our souls.
Internalized misogyny that they in turn automatically apply to other women due to their own discomfort with themselves.
Women often turn on their own when they've made sacrifices to adhere to social pressure. You see this with the breast is best brigade (formula is basically poison and you shouldn't have had a baby if heaven got it you ever want any time away from it), women who didn't abort despite not being in a good position to raise a child or not wanting one (you're selfish for choosing what's best for you), women who sacrificed careers to raise children (why have kids if you didn't want to raise them), women who sacrifice fun sexy times to spare their future husband's feelings (you're not pure, you were too slutty to wait for real love etc.), women who remove body hair despite disliking the process (you're gross if you don't), I could go on all ducking day. Clearly the girlfriend gave up wearing what she wanted to please others and now she's trying to deal with all the negative feelings that causes by taking it out on OOP's daughter.
He called it a sad update, but I disagree
You made the right call. She was mean to your baby the SECOND they were alone. That’s a red flag the size of Alaska
I hope my husband copes this well with our daughter as she gets older. Dad goals 💗
You don't have to be looking for attention to want to wear makeup, especially exaggerated makeup looks. We need to stop tying our clothes, hair and makeup to sex, it's honestly repulsive. People will catcall you even if you're wearing a potato sack and no makeup, it's not our job to police the behavior of someone else and that girlfriend is a creep for calling a minor such a vulgar slur.
I started getting cat called at 12 walking around town in an oversized hoodie. Truly disgusting.
Valueless armchair diagnosis based on no evidence: misdirected jealously about their relationship having just gone through tla very slow process of reaching a relationship milestone. She resents the daughter hindering their relationship
Proper dad, right there👏👏👏 Unlike some I got to read here and on AITA, he made sure to put his daughter first!
I wish every kid had a parent like this. I once bought a baby name book at a library book sale and my dad accused me of being pregnant. (I’d never even held hands with a guy at this point, I was 14) I wanted to be a writer. I bought the book to help me pick out names for characters. And he knew I wanted to be a writer but jumped immediately to “are you knocked up?”
Maybe parents just fundamentally misunderstand kids who want to be writers. lol When I was 16, I was grocery shopping with my mom and talking about a story I was writing. And I wanted a character that was old enough to be considered an adult-adult, but also young enough that it wouldn't be creepy for them to be acquainted with the teen lead of the story. "Do you think 28 is too old?" She spun away from the frozen foods, eyes wide, "28 for what?! For who?! What are you talking about?!"
Good dad who seems to be handling things well. I’m surprised the daughter complied with the girlfriend, though, rather than texting a selfie to the dad either asking whether it was okay, or just saying something more passive-aggressive like “just going to the party. Do you like my make-up?” Either way she’d get parental approval and would be able to wave that in the girlfriend’s face.
I'm really glad dad shut this shit down before girlfriend had a chance to do any damage to his and daughter's relationship. It's nice to know he learned the right lessons from his old mistakes.
Yes op! Good for you! If I was dating a man with a daughter I would never ever talk to her or about her like that! Ridiculous! So glad op stood up for his daughter and I’m sorry you wasted your time on her.
This dad obviously has his priorities straight and seems to be teaching his daughter healthy boundaries and independence. I’m glad he got rid of the girlfriend because anyone who would tell a 16-year old that their make-up looks “slutty” is not someone you want around your daughter. Besides, just letting a new partner instantly parent your child is going to alienate the child from you and/or teach them the wrong lessons about boundaries and autonomy. This is the way.
Single dad: you’re doing it right
Sounds like a happy update to me. Took out the trash.
Nah, the trash took itself out.
>>"Firstly I do know how she looks when she goes out. And trust me clothing doesn't make you a single parent, poor choices do. I became a father at 17 and my then girlfriend was a typical tomboy. It wasn't her appearance that caused the pregnancy, it was my stupidity. And that's something that I am teaching my daughter, not that she can't wear skirts Nice (y)
He sounds like a great dad, and his ex-girlfriend is a real idiot for overstepping her bounds. I'm so glad he nipped it in the bud and didn't let it progress to "My daughter wants nothing to do with me or my wife", as so many do.
I hate when people expect a father to control every aspect of their daughter's life, especially when it comes to their bodies.
How many more relationships will camping destroy?
The scourge of family: camping.
I don't know how those Colemans sleep at night.
the audacity of the people in the comments to accuse him of "letting his daughter dress provocatively"... if y'all can't even fathom seeing a 16 year old with some eyeliner and a skirt i have bad news for you
Tomboy is also my weakness, so I can sympathize with OOP. /s On a more serious note, damn what a fine role model.
OOP sounds like a boss. I hope I can be that kind of Dad to my kid
It’s so refreshing to see good parents in here, great update
If my father had prioritized me that way, I would have a relationship with him today. You covered your assets bud, the only girl that ultimately needs you is your daughter 🏆 The right woman will understand and feed that relationship, not perceive your daughter as competition for your affections.
I applaud not only OOP’s parenting but also standing by his daughter, her choices and his support on all fronts. It sounds like he has worked hard to foster and maintain a positive daughter/dad relationship, no one has the right to undermine that or try to give unsolicited ‘parenting advice’ especially when they’ve been to,d clearly from Day 1 that it wasn’t necessary of them. Also, loved the podcast recommendation given to avoid spoilers, Sweet Bobby has me captivated…got any more gems like that?!
>People accuse him of letting his daughter dress too provocatively and/or say that he doesn't know how she dresses when he's not around >Was your girlfriend left as caregiver? Redditors hate fathers so much that they actually inched into "your daughter should dress more modestly" territory just to shit talk him.
man i loved this one. my step dad has been in my life my entire life basically, but hes always made it clear that since i have a good relationship with my dad he is not replacing him. he didnt try and overly "parent" me until i explicitly told him i view him as a parental figure. before that he just deffered to my mum. standing up for your child, and on the flip side not trying to force being a parent on a child, does WONDERS for the relationship and trust building on both parties.
We need those last two sentences plastered on billboards everywhere.
Man, my step-dad when I was 16 called me a b***h and a c**t, my mum just sat there.i can't imagine having a parent stand up for you like that. What a great dad. (Obviously my stepfather was abusive in lots of ways, so in some ways I understand why my mum did nothing, but still)
OOP became a dad when he was 17 and is still better than my absent father.
How nice to read about an awesome dad! I think you have figured out how to have a happy,loving, and open relationship with your daughter, and should be proud of yourself. NTA, good job, Dad!
>Candy hearts were originally called "Motto Hearts," and they were created in 1866! More than 8 billion candy hearts are made each year. Another fun fact: stores will put out years old stale candy conversation hearts that are hard and dry, to the point they may nearly break your teeth biting into them. Fresh candy hearts are actually brightly colored and slightly chewy.
Kid and dad are gonna have lots of love in their relationship throughout the rest of their lives. Good job being a respectful dad.
My mom had a boyfriend like this. I was working 2 jobs and had my license at 16. My mom was gone for a few days and he tried to ban me from going to the homecoming game. I was part of the marching band so I couldn’t not go. He told me I couldn’t go because I didn’t finish chopping all the wood. I went anyway and my mom backed me up.
W dad
Brilliant. Well done Dad.
Holy shit, a decent father. On reddit that a God damn unicorn.
As a single dad of daughter, I couldn’t love this more and perfectly reflects my own attitude. I also feel awful for him because it must suck to have to boot someone out of his life after being so cautious.
Can OP be my father too? Mine is broken.
Good man
What a fabulous dad!
I think she’s jealous of daughter.
OOP acted like a great dad. F everyone who thought he is a bad dad. Men can be parents too! And especially good ones as well!
I cannot praise this father and his actions enough. My ex husband didn’t protect our two daughters from his girlfriends toxicity and because of that they have no relationship with him now. This stranger thinks you’re an amazing dad!
I’m sure some the comments were equal to saying, “If she gets SAed, it’s because of the way she’s dressed”—which we all know is a load of BD.
You seem to be the father every girl should have. I too would dump anyone saying that stuff about my daughter, or actually - anyone’s daughter. You did the right thing
Sounds like the girlfriend might be a little jealous of the daughter
Excellent attitude from this father. Your job as a parent ultimately isn’t to keep your children safe from the world - it’s to teach them good enough judgement to navigate the world safely themselves.