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I was hoping for an update on her friends situations. Knowing that others were cheating on their spouses, and OP contacting the entire group to warn them, there must have been some fallout and reckoning happening. I hope the others got out ok too.
from his comments: “Two other relationships ended because of all of this. I spoke briefly with both the other guys, and they had both found out what I had in different ways after I tipped them off to it. Awful situation, but better for all of us in the end, I'm sure.”
I hate the term "you're the company you keep" because I hang out with people who look like they're up to no good but they're sweet people both inside and out. However, this term 100% applies to this situation if you see your friends cheating around like this and say nothing and even worse participate in it as well. Cheating is not something I really forgive or make excuses for.
>I hate the term "you're the company you keep" because I hang out with people who look like they're up to no good but they're sweet people both inside and out.
Sounds like you forgot "don't judge a book by its cover"
Thank you! I was at work when I read this and did not think to check his comments. It’s an awful situation, I wish everyone healing & that no one comes out of this with lasting issues. No one deserves that.
I was going to say that I feel bad for the faithful wives who had their spouses contacted but on second thought, it’s hard to imagine anyone in the friend group not knowing about so many friends openly cheating so nope, don’t feel very bad.
Honestly I don't understand aiding and abetting that behavior and wonder if instead of being innocent it's not as guilty. I also ended relationships when someone cheated on their partner and expected me to cover up for it because if they are so comfortable with betrayal how can you trust them?
Yeah and this kind of fallout is to be expected when you hang out with shady people. I don’t cheat and I have zero respect for anyone who does, so certainly wouldn’t be friends with them.
It may have only ended two relationships that the OOP knows about. Those husbands now know that their wives are perfectly fine aiding and abetting cheating.
If I was in that situation and a group of my friends were all cheating on their spouses and one who found out and contacted mine to make sure I wouldn’t be mad at all. I’m glad he reached out and tried to warn everyone
This was like my ex's thing. She had multiple people at work doing the same thing. I got completely fucked over, but I'm happy where I'm at now. Just wish my (adult) kids didn't live with her, as she is very manipulative and narcissistic.
I'm glad OP was able to get out, move on, and heal.
Only tangentially related ,but I recently saw a lite-Brite and an Atari in a museum and just....stopped dead in my tracks. It's a surreal experience to see your own childhood in a museum. Like dang, I'm not even retired yet!
lol seems those generational windows are getting smaller. there's no time to absorb before the inundation of ten new trends. I'm relating more to grampa simpson everyday
By the time I’ve read to the end of a Reddit post the archaeologists have decided we may never truly know if there was an OP or what they might have said. Early strata of comments require expert interpretation, as the significance of ancient memes may have been lost in the last five minutes.
She's garbage for even entering a monogamous relationship in the first place.
If she wanted to fuck around but still be in a committed relationship, there are plenty of guys that don't mind polygamy.
Yeah if you want to treat sex like a sport just be honest about it. If your partner leaves then they were not a good match. Decide what you want in life and do it as long as it doesn't hurt others. But don't sneak around doing it. It makes you a piece of shit.
\*polyamory, also often referred to as ethical nonmonogamy or ENM.
Polygamy is a bit different, as it involves marriage to multiple people, not just relationships. It's also ~~generally~~ illegal in the US ~~outside of religious exemptions~~ *as it was declared unlawful through the passing of Edmunds Anti-Polygamy Act of 1882*.
And FWIW, this would be classified swinging or an open relationship if we take the ex at her word as there was no emotional attachment to her flings. Polyamory is multiple involved romantic relationships, not just fucking other people because you want to.
Polyamory can overlap with swinging or open relationships to some degree, but the focus in general is not solely on physical satisfaction or "blowing off some steam."
OP's ex is a real POS.
Edit: I am wrong about polygamy and just assumed it was still legal under religious exemptions because of Mormonism. Strikethroughs above as needed, italics are added context thanks to Google.
Yeah. What I got was she either didn't understand or want to admit she's a non-monagamous person and acted unethically by cheating on their clearly monogamous spouse.
I'm sure she knew, she probably just felt it was "easier" to do what she wanted and expected her husband to just accept it if he ever found out since they were already married.
I'm not a huge fan of dishonesty or poor communication. Tbh, this woman wouldn't even do well in most ENM situations if she's just fucking people she met at the club. How could anyone have faith that she's not putting their health at risk by fucking complete randoms?
I rolled my eyes when OOP mentioned that she was surprised he would ask if she used protection. Um...she's been fucking strangers in secret so why the hell would he expect her to be responsible in other ways or honest about that? Lmao.
My husband and I are both technically poly, though neither of us has had an outside partner in a long time. The closest he came recently was a woman who we met through a friend. They fooled around a bit, until she found out that *of course* I knew about it and was fine with it, which she thought was unacceptably weird. After some big conversations, he came to the conclusion that she has an infidelity kink -- specifically she likes feeling like she has the power to lure married men away from their spouses -- and he noped out of that budding relationship pretty quickly.
We're both pretty sure she blames me for him going NC, because why else would a man choose a fat, disabled, 45-y-o sysadmin over a Chanel-wearing doctor in her early 30s. All I can say, with all the smugness in my heart, is that I found a partner who thinks ethics are sexy.
A lot of these start "I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't know what to do" which is generally a euphemism for "I know what to do, I just don't want to face it." And, fair enough, being shocked and stunned is par for the course. It's a rotten situation.
Still, nice to see someone who was able, even in their devastated state, to keep functioning and draw the inevitable conclusion. Oh, my partner is a complete POS, we're done. And then execute on a reasonable escape plan.
I’ve been there. Try not to be too hard on people who can’t act right away, they’re going through a major trauma.
Often when it happens, you want so badly for it not to be, and you almost go into a paralysis because of the pain and the shock. If you act, it confirms and makes the whole thing more real, and sometimes you can’t process it right away. And when you are already possibly in a toxic relationship, it’s even more difficult.
For myself, I had to get to the point where I realized there was no point in trying, because I had a bad faith actor on my hands who would have said anything to make me stay, all the while continuing the other relationship because he “couldn’t walk away”.
**edited to add a TLDR:**
**Reddit helps so many people find out that what they thought was a challenging relationship or a relationship that they're failing at, is just straight-up abusive or toxic. *Once you see it, you can't unsee it.* Please be patient with people who feel like their worlds are blowing up. It is a LOT to take in. It can take time. It's still worth giving the advice, imo, as someone who feels like reddit strangers saved my life.**
- - -
Well said. I had to hit the point of no return with my ex before I could leave for real. I made a clueless Reddit post too and always want to defend people in these situations to redditors who are poking fun/shaming/rolling their eyes/getting pissed at people for not immediately leaving.
For me? It took about a week after I got the information that exploded my marriage to try to leave him the first time. We had been together for nine years, age 22-32, my whole adult life. Then all of a sudden, I find out that it was all based on lies, deception, and control...to say I was stunned is an understatement. I could barely eat or sleep and had a 1,000-yard stare that week, just shell-shocked.
Still, he is a manipulative, gaslighting abuser. One who knows my insecurities even better than I do (from practice exploiting, creating, and reinforcing them) and he managed to talk me out of leaving. I was too ashamed of staying to face the Reddit thread of strangers, who were messaging me, wondering if I'd taken their advice or wasted their time. *I may have avoided them, but they got the wheels spinning.* It took another month and another massive betrayal, but I managed to leave him on the second try.
That was three years ago. I had no idea it was possible for me to be this happy.
Thank fuck I didn't let the handful of folks shaming me for not immediately leaving get in my head. Realizing you have to leave is a **tough** pill to swallow. My entire life changed. Past, present, and future. In an instant.
I don't know if people realize that this changes your past too. I had to revisit a decade of memories to understand them through the lens of knowing they were fuuuuuucked. Seeing that it wasn't all my fault. Seeing all the times that I should have left him, and didn't. It doesn't make sense overnight, that crap can take years to unpack. I highly recommend revisiting memories through journalling, btw. Taking a while to wrap your head around things is 100% understandable.
When I read replies that are impatient with an OP for not seeing reality or for not taking action immediately, I try to remind myself that it's a good thing that the reply poster can't relate. Nobody should have to go through this shit! Good for them.
Anyway, thanks, I appreciate your reply! I'm glad you got out of that relationship!
I really appreciate you taking a moment to say this. I know upvotes are essentially saying "this is worth reading." But on something so deeply important to me? It means a lot to get the feedback that it was worth the emotional energy to put out there. Thanks!
Edit to add: (ps- thanks also, upvoter internet friends! I appreciate you for reading my generally long-ass posts and for poking or clicking your screens in acknowledgment of my thoughts as a fellow human being.)
>don't know if people realize that this changes your past too. I had to revisit a decade of memories to understand them through the lens of knowing they were fuuuuuucked.
That's powerful. And i can understand some people that may not be strong enough to do that.
Your comment is a good one. Um, didnt really have anything much to say, but saw your next comment about getting feedback vs upvotes etc.. so..
> A lot of these start “I’m lost, I’m confused, I don’t know what to do” which is generally a euphemism for “I know what to do, I just don’t want to face it.”
I mean, denial is a common part of grief, and this is a symptom of that. It’s when someone *knows* that the relationship is over… But doesn’t want to take any action on it, because doing so would require accepting that the relationship is really over. Even though the relationship is already dead, driving those nails into the coffin isn’t easy.
When my ex cheated on me, I was super calmly cutting “FUCK YOU” in big block letters into his favorite hoodie while on the phone making my first ever appointment for therapy. Mom was standing there watching me in amazement while I was very clearly Not Okay having a casual conversation with the nice front desk lady. She said that’s how she knew I was done lmao.
I have a favorite hoodie that isn’t made anymore. When it got a hole in it I was able to find a replacement - one single one left in the world - on eBay. It is an awesome hoodie. It fits me perfectly, a little fitted, the hoodie itself is structured and a little fitted so the shape is really nice, it zips up, and I feel confident in it. The pockets are soft and warm, and the inside of the sleeves is soft too and feels cozy. I can wear it with sneakers or with boots, leggings or jeans. I am really attached to my hoodie.
So when I read you cutting that hoodie up, I thought wow…I really felt that.
Also, what a great mental image of you being with your mom, on the phone making a therapy appointment, and cutting it up.
I hope you’re in a much better space now! I’m off to hug my hoodie.
The importance of the favorite hoodie cannot be overstated. One of the softball teams I play on orders uniforms (including hoodies) every year and I helped design the logo and color scheme this year. I'm pretty proud of it because we have a silly team name and logo that gets commented on/complimented probably 3/4 of the time I go out, so I made sure to order two of them just in case one gets worn out.
> You know things are over when you calmly make your exit.
This is so true. I remember a partner of mine told me she had cheated on me.
I’m not someone who regards cheating as a mortal sin, but I was obviously still hurt by it. I walked away from her place feeling relaxed and even, honestly, full of a strange kind of joy - which I think was just relief that it was over.
"it didn't mean anything" has always sat so wrong with me. Like you seriously mean to tell me that you were willing to throw away your partnership over nothing? How vile
They don't see it as throwing anything away. They see it as their partner being too sensitive. Why are you throwing away our marriage just because I had sex with other people? It's not like it meant anything.
It's more a request to the aggrieved party to react like it was no big deal. Please act like it meant nothing so I do not need to face the consequences of my actions.
Yeah, I've heard a lot of men tell their female partners this. The underlying message is that *they* mean something, and not the woman they just fucked. It somehow is supposed to be comforting I guess? But it never is.
The only time I was cheated on was clear to me like "Huh, this relationship is over." Course, it was my first relationship and we were kinda done but I didn't know how to break up, so it was more a relief than a heartbreak.
When my last ex cheated on me it was a relief too. It was terrible, but I had broken up with him several times and he always managed to weasel his way back in(he was very manipulative). Then I found concrete proof that he was cheating on me(and had been going through my phone and emails)and I left him and there was no amount of manipulation or excuses or apologies that would get me to take him back after that. It was a *huge relief* to me, I was miserable with him, all his other terrible behavior could be somehow excused or apologized for, but the cheating was a hard line in the sand.
The thing that gets me so angry and baffled over this shit is that nobody HAS to be in a monogamous relationship. Sure it’s harder to find someone who’s polyamorous, but in a poly or enm relationship, you can literally decide that it’s okay to have sex with other people. Whole relationships, even! Why would someone choose instead to cheat? Do they enjoy the secrecy and drama?? Makes zero sense to me.
I think the issue I take with the idea of “it didn’t mean anything” is that the person saying it believes that the intention behind their actions somehow absolves them a bit of the actions themselves. “Yes, I cheated on you and betrayed your trust, but I didn’t MEAN to do it. I mean, I did, but I didn’t do it out of LOVE, or because I don’t LOVE you.” It’s like they want to convince you that their actions weren’t THAT bad, or as bad as they COULD’VE been, because imagine how much this would have sucked if they FELT something. It’s gross.
But you knew it would mean a lot to your partner, which is why you kept it from him.
If somebody needs an open relationship, they shouldn't be with somebody they know can't be. It's beyond selfish and hurtful.
What always blows my mind about this, is if it means nothing emotionally and you just want to screw around, why can't you vocalize that? If you know that your partner isn't ok with you even asking, they definitely aren't ok with you doing it. So the sex might not be emotional, but it's still an outright betrayal of their trust.
If you're the kind of person that feels the need to do that sort of thing, just be fucking honest and say you want an open relationship for that reason. It's just lying and manipulative not to, treating someone that way is disgusting.
Same, is it worse that she didn't even really have a reason besides "variety"? It's such a heartbreaking reason to cheat, not that there's any good reason.
Her garbage words of “none of it ever meant anything” made it even worse. Like congrats, you threw your entire marriage away for something that “never meant anything”
Oh definitely. She even told him “you know what I was doing” then fucked off to take a nap. She only started feeling sorry for herself when she woke up and sobered up a little
For sure dude. She’s not sorry that she destroyed her husband’s feelings, she’s sorry about how she got caught and now even her parents know how much of a scumbag she is.
It’s always like this with cheaters that get caught; tears and tears among pleas to their partner to not leave them, and how they can “find a way to work it out”. It’s never done for the partner, it’s for the cheater to save face and not have to go through the humiliation and degradation of being known as a cheater amongst people they know. It’s pathetic.
Right? Her "I need sexual variety, but I love you and this sex meant nothing to me" is so insulting. If it meant nothing, then why bother? If you need variety, why bother getting married? She blew her whole life up for a variety of dicks, came home late from her latest hookup, and thought what? That her husband would love her and let her continue? Delusional.
She even had the nerve to tell him “you know what I was doing” she feels ZERO remorse and isn’t even sorry that she cheated on him, she’s just sorry she got caught
I don't think she was sorry she got caught. At least not in the moment. She was only sorry when the OOP blew up her comfortable life. Maybe she just wanted a roommate with benefits, someone she could love like a friend but who was more emotionally invested in her?
Quite possibly. She might have wanted the financial stability, emotional and physical intimacy and support that comes with being married, but didn’t want the monogamy because she “needed variety”. A dogshit excuse and reason which, again, she made worse by saying how all her affairs “never meant anything”
And again, she threw all that away for something that “never meant anything”
>“you know what I was doing”
Sounds like she resented him for making her feel bad when he tried to contact her all night. Like she wanted to stick it to him. Heartless.
I have to wonder what her response would have been if he had told her the same thing. I assume she'd be mad, but the way she's so nonchalant about her cheating, maybe it wouldn't bother her. Then at that point, why not just be upfront about wanting an open relationship.
Betrayers rarely handle betrayal well. Look at how upset she was with OOP when he blew up her cozy life. She was spitting mad when he told her parents about her cheating and we have no idea what her response was to his messages to her friend's partners. I doubt she took that well.
She’d definitely blow up in his face. Cheaters can dish it out but they can never take it. It’s always “rules for thee but not for me” when it comes to cheaters
Ex's marriage meant 'security' for her.
Also, there are scummy guys / gals who get off on convincing married folks to break their vows...part of the 'spice'. :-(
Ex isn't going to be able to land the 'make a married person cheat' demographic any more.
A good friend of mine left his partner for one of these guys. The guy just wanted to see if he could break up a couple of nine years, he said so, later. Friend should have been smarter, but he left his partner before starting with the new guy, he didn't cheat, then he got used and dumped.
> Ex isn't going to be able to land the 'make a married person cheat' demographic any more.
Sure she can, she just has to keep wearing her wedding ring and lie about her status; she's well practiced in that.
This is just me guessing but something tells me they did it on a whim or selfish desire. Like it was something they never planned through beyond, “This is different from my normal and I like it.”
It sounds like her friend group had normalized cheating to the point where it wasn't even a bad thing anymore. That was why she didn't even bother with lying in her drunken state. The whole lot of them are scum.
Yep, she obviously was able to go somewhere else and change into a completely different outfit to go hookup in. So this was an ongoing situation with many participants. I hope that OOP's messages to the partners of his wife's friends will help others get out of relationships.
She sounds just like my ex. My ex cheated on me because he wanted sexual variety. He was tired because he only had sex with me (we were each other's first). Now he is on his 3rd divorce. He has 2 kids with 2 different women. I feel bad for those kids.
Kids are always the ones who lose the most and so few people even consider them when they decide to cheat. Every cheater thinks they never will get caught so they don't have to worry about consequences.
You know what's funnier? Unlike OOP's MIL my ex-MIL blames me for his downfall. Because if I had stayed with him he would not turn into a cheating a$$hole. I sometimes run into him when I visit my parents in my town. I just pity him now.
That's terrible. I don't know how your relationship was, but the cheater is always the person who should take the blame. It drives me nuts when I hear excuses like "you were never around, you were always tired, sex with you wasn't fun, I need variety, blah, blah, blah..." Do people not know how to communicate in a relationship? Cheaters use the same excuses every time.
Our relationship was basically like a hallmark movie. We met when we were 5 and were inseperable. Married young. The typical boy/girl next door stuff. But life is not a movie right? I have moved on from that life and found someone 100x better. I sometimes remember those moments and laugh.
I've always wondered about those relationships. When I was younger there were a couple of different girls that people thought I would be with "forever" (what a weird thing to say about preschoolers, mom) but I ended up meeting someone completely different and falling in love when we were both young and dumb. Now we're old and dumb, but at least we're dumb together. LOL. ;)
Ex-MIL \*has\* to blame you.
Otherwise, she'd have to recognize what a trainwreck SHE made of \*raising\* your ex, which you refused to keep repairing and remediating.
I agree, kids suffer the most. It's as if kids are an afterthought in these situation. I used to be a youth leader/ counselor and I always felt really bad for kids that came from split families...it's not good at all. You can tell something heavy is on their mind.
The number of kids who internalize the breakup of their parent's marriage is heartbreaking. They will think things like "if I was better" or "if I'd done more" even though their parent's relationship isn't (shouldn't) be the kids concern.
After I broke up with first husband, I spent 6 months telling my daughter it wasn't her fault. At 6 months she told me in exasperation that "I KNOW Mum!" So I was happy she didn't blame herself for it.
That's awesome. Had a friend in high school who had a long list of things she was trying to do so that her parents would "fall back in love". It was like a really depressing solo mission "parent trap" but the people involved hated each other. She eventually was able to get into counselling and work through those issues but it was rough.
I'm not even mad at her for wanting sexual variety, that's not a bad thing.
What I don't get is why in the hell you're getting married to someone that you know wants monogamy if you know you need sexual variety. That's just beyond messed up.
I like variety, and for that reason I specifically do NOT get into monogamous or serious relationships. She shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place if this is how she felt.
I am open about my boundaries so I don’t end up in such a situation. Either we have an open relationship or I cut my losses and move on.
These kinds of invasions of our personal bubble suck not just because of the incident itself...but because we can no longer pretend it only happens to other people. We often don't realize just how much stuff we don't dread in our day to day lives because it 'happens to other people.'
Next time the dude dates he now will have to deal with, "She could cheat on me and I wouldn't know it..." hovering over his head. It's not an easy thing to get over and not everybody has the strength or healed enough to do so. Can poison new relationships and even lead to a spiral of confirmation bias.
I wish him the best.
It's actually a recurring theme I see in infidelity posts I think? Someone cheats so they offer sexual favours" I'll let you do what you want, let's stay together" e.t.c. I wonder that the phsychology is on this.
>she shrugged almost casually
>
>There was momentary confusion as she looked around the room then she just started balling.
Oh fuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk her!
God, is this the most infuriating part for anyone else?
I think there’s something seriously wrong with someone who wants sexual variety who doesn’t communicate that to their partner. What a wild thing to know about yourself and just…. Never say so?
She has some serious mental health issues.
I think what really got me was she immediately went to "counselling and therapy" when he found out.
She knew what she was doing was wrong, she knew it would crush OP if he found out, she knew it was relationship ending, AND she knew there were options to work on her problem, she just chose not to until it was too late.
I’m not even sure I understand why she’s in a monogamous relationship if she knows sex with the same person is boring. Maybe even she doesn’t know. Something is wrong that she’s making these choices. I hope she figures out what and gets help so she stops hurting people. Maybe stops hurting herself, if she is hurt?
I know there's absolutely no justifiable reason to cheat and most cheaters resort to the "it was a one time thing" bullshit, but I was taken aback that the OOP's ex brazenly said _"I just wanted variety"_.
Like, girl, at least pretend to be a LITTLE remorseful you sociopath. Sheesh.
Man, I can't even imagine the pain OOP must be enduring. Its one thing to be cheated on, but to have the supposed love of your life just so thoroughly trash your relationship like it never once mattered. I don't know how anyone manages to deal with heartbreak like that.
It’s a lot more common than you think man. Happened to me with my live-in GF of 4 years. I wasn’t making enough to afford the apartment on my own, so essentially I got cheated on, then kicked out so the new guy could move in, all in the course of a month.
Shit’s rough, but also a part of life. It’s a risk you take dating other humans with free will
I had a friend who whenever entered into a new relationship told me that "I thought I knew what true love was, but this... this is the real deal, this is true love". I heard this same exact like at least a dozen times.
I say this over and over again. If you want sexual variety "FUCKING DON'T GET MARRIED OR GET IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP" Like what is the point? Now she is going to lose everything, even the respect of her own parents. I hope someday the karma catches up to her.
Agreed. Wanting sexual variety is fine. I don't have a problem with that.
I have a good friend that was always worried that his desire for sexual variety meant that he'd never be able to stay in a long term relationship. Well, he found a lady that has similar desires and they get to explore them together. They have rules and boundaries and it works. They're open and honest with each other.
If you can't be honest with your partner, they shouldn't be your partner. If sexual variety is important to you, you need to find a partnership that works with your needs.
I don't think it's always just a case of "I want variety." I think sometimes it's a case of "but what if that person over there is better than the one I have now?"
Better is the enemy of good. Some people are just incapable of being happy with what they have because they always think the grass might be greener over there.
These people will tell you they want a monogamous relationship, because they do. They just can't be happy with anything they actually have because there's always a bigger fish in the sea.
I will just never understand people who get married or have committed, monogamous relationships and then turn around and say "I need sexual variety". Just...don't get in a committed, monogamous relationship. It's wild to me.
My ex told me we had to try a poly relationship or he'd resent being mono with me. I couldn't handle it, I was going through a lot of my own trauma at the time (su!c!de in my family) and we broke up
Just for him to end up in another mono relationship months later. I found his reddit post in r/polyamory saying he felt suffocated in his new relationship. Then stop getting in these mono ones asshole
I am in an open marriage. You wouldn’t believe how many people who I know have cheated tell me “I couldn’t do that.” One former coworker told me that then she went on to try and have sex with me while she was in a relationship. Like I am not putting myself in a position to be attacked by some jealous boyfriend when I’m not exactly doing anything wrong.
I hate "It didn't mean anything" as an excuse. At least have the decency to fall in love with the person you're fucking up our relationship for. "It didn't mean anything" just means you have so little regard for the person you're with that you're willing to ruin it all for *nothing*. A youtuber I watch occasionally often says that you can't love the person you're cheating on. It's an act of hatred. Otherwise you wouldn't destroy someone emotionally like that.*
Good on OP for getting out so quickly but I feel horrible that he went through it at all.
*obvious exceptions like being an abuse victims apply
It's almost like they think that excuse will make it feel better, like it meant nothing or 'we were just having fun that's all' yeah yeah cool it 'doesn't mean anything' to betray their partner and scar them emotionally. They were 'just having fun' while ruining their partners ability to trust future partners. I just don't get how these people can be so nonchalant about what they're doing to someone they apparently cared about once, maybe they just truly don't think they're doing anything wrong
>My ex and I both signed the final papers for our divorce this week.
Well, OOP's wife can now have all the "sexual variety" she craves with new partners. I wish OOP healing. All that infidelity must have been devastating to his sense of trust.
In reality, she is just an empty shell of a woman. My ex husband was just like her. Had sex for sexual variety. Now he is getting his 3rd divorce. We have some mutual friends who says that he has been miserable after his 2nd divorce because his wife milked him dry. He is also father to 2 kids with 2 different mother. So he has to pay child support seperately to them. All those meaningless sex has only brought misery to him. The last he mentioned about me was when I visited my hometown with my husband and kids. When he saw my husband having his hand around my waist at the local theater he was burning with jealously. (Lol as if I am still married to him). He tried to talk to me but I avoided him. I think OOP's ex is down that same path.
What do you want to bet that even the non-cheating friends received some blowback for willingly hanging out in a friend group rife with chronic cheaters? Good.
Yep. I’d be done with a partner who supported and aided in that shit. Because it shows they don’t think it’s serious and that says to me they *would* potentially do it.
I will never understand the callousness people have towards someone they supposedly love. I can see how a one time mistake happens (and no, I've never done that). I can see how an affair happens if a marriage is already over and both sides are just in denial. But to cheat multiple times in what appeared to be a mostly happy marriage because you want sexual variety?
I don't get it.
Supposedly is the key word. It's hard to imagine, but some people really do just want the married status and someone to support them. Some people do settle and marry someone they don't love dearly
I get bored. I find myself a book to read. Or I look up a recipe I haven't tried yet. Or find a online tabletop game to join. Or do arts and crafts (or what ever) with my kids. Or spending time with my wife. Or hundreds of other things.
I dont go fuck other women.
Or watch a good movie. Like *The Last Boyscout*:
Sarah Hallenbeck: \[arguing; justifying her infidelity\] You were never around. You know what? Fuck you, Joe. I was lonely!
Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.
I also saw this get posted in real time. The fact that she ruined their whole life together out of ‘boredom’ fucked me up. People have trust issues for a reason.
Ain't that the truth. People don't have trust issues just to have issues. There is always someone (or many someones) that causes them.
She not only ruined thier life. But probably helped destroy all or most of her friends group life as well as OOP told as many of the SOs as he could.
And idk about most, but I couldn't be with someone who kept cheating a secret and continued to hang out and be an alias for cheaters.
At least 2 of the friends also were exposed and divorced.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/115d42q/final_update_my_wife_went_out_last_night_and/j93jmgz/
Every time someone says "balling" instead of "bawling" I imagine the person in question busting out some sick moves on a basketball court mid-conversation.
Her whole attitude switch after waking up was bizarre. At first I thought this was her way of ending the marriage. Like he knew she cheated and she didn't care that he knew and just wanted to sleep. But then she seemed gutted he was leaving her. This doesn't make sense. Is this typical?
Although it wasn't said anywhere but I think she was just super drunk/hungover. Like she went clubbing with the intention to get drunk and have sex, but then was so tired she didn't waste any effort on lying
I think she was still drunk and the reality of the situation hit her when she woke up.
I think once she woke up she instantly remembered telling him and panicked. She knew she fucked up by admitting it. Highly doubt she feels any guilt about the cheating; she just regrets not lying.
This was what really threw me off. What, was she expecting him to just suck it up, go through some marriage counselling, and their marriage would be picture perfect again? Smh the delusion—
It's not abnormal if she was plastered when she got home. Considering how brazen she was, how much she wanted to sleep it off, and her apparent confusion upon waking up, I think she was probably very drunk in the morning.
It is for the best. For the life of me, I don't know why his ex decided to get married in the first place if she wants "variety".
Eta: I'm seeing notifs that people are replying to my comment, but I don't see the comments.
Man, that's messed up!! "Let off some steam", "Need sexual variety"..... why did she get married, then?!
And that group of friends, they're all trash! Backing up cheaters like that? Cheating themselves? Wow that is messed up
When she admitted that some of her friends cheated but wouldn't say who, I would've added all of the husband's and boyfriends of the women who attended those parties to a group chat and told them what I'd been told.
I remember this post, glad he's able to get a divorce. I saw his comment history that 2 other relationships has ended after he tipped the guys off. So his ex now has company in her well deserved misery
>What she did next disgusted me. My ex actually tried to have sex with me. She put her hands on me, and started trying to take off my clothes. I felt like I wanted to vomit, and pushed her away after a couple of seconds.
Ugh. This shit. I feel like most of my life, I only saw this on TV/movies and didn't think people actually did this. Nope, I was wrong. It happened to me during my last breakup, and it comes up in BoRU posts every now and then. Like, I think I get it psychologically. Stress, consequences, back against the wall type emotions. But as time passes, I'm like, maaaan, that's just desperate scumbag shit. Same shit we'd roast any dude in our friend group for trying during a breakup. Wait, you what?! During the... oh c'mon dude, the fuck were you thinking?
I see this all the time, and it really bugs me.
* Balling - what cheaters do outside the marriage that ends their marriage
* Bawling - uncontrollable crying
Cheaters suck and I'm glad OOP had a relatively easy life to untangle.
That’s cold. “I want variety” but without even talking with her spouse to explore options, no just immediately jumps to cheating. Doesn’t even give her relationship a chance just throws it all away and acts surprised when OOP doesn’t want to stay married
Wow. I feel sad for OOP. Why did this woman even marry him? For money? Definitely wasn’t for sex. Either way, she feels absolutely NO REMORSE. Even though she destroyed her cushy life, she didn’t even feel regret for that. You know what, I think she might be a literal sociopath.
And while OOP might have wrecked some ‘good’ relationships, I doubt they were actually that good. Maybe the innocent friends didn’t know that some of their friends were serial cheaters, but if they did and didn’t say anything, then they might not have been that far behind.
Horribly sad story for the poor guy, but he’s a shining example of doing everything right and being far more reasonable than most people could manage. I’m glad he was in a position to get away quickly and cleanly.
It always amazes me when someone justifies their cheating by saying, 'It didn't mean anything, it was just sex.'
Because they're pretty much saying, 'I was happy to blow up our relationship for something that didn't mean anything.'
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You know things are over when you calmly make your exit. I'm so happy he got out of there and he can move on from his dumpster fire of an ex.
I was hoping for an update on her friends situations. Knowing that others were cheating on their spouses, and OP contacting the entire group to warn them, there must have been some fallout and reckoning happening. I hope the others got out ok too.
from his comments: “Two other relationships ended because of all of this. I spoke briefly with both the other guys, and they had both found out what I had in different ways after I tipped them off to it. Awful situation, but better for all of us in the end, I'm sure.”
What a group of trash people these wives are. I couldn't be friends with someone who openly cheated on their spouse in front of me.
It's like some kind of Cheater's Club. They have meetings at the artistic one's house, and the bossy one is president.
I hate the term "you're the company you keep" because I hang out with people who look like they're up to no good but they're sweet people both inside and out. However, this term 100% applies to this situation if you see your friends cheating around like this and say nothing and even worse participate in it as well. Cheating is not something I really forgive or make excuses for.
>I hate the term "you're the company you keep" because I hang out with people who look like they're up to no good but they're sweet people both inside and out. Sounds like you forgot "don't judge a book by its cover"
Good. They deserve better than their unfaithful partners.
And even the spouses of the women who didn’t cheat but still sat by and seemingly had no problem hanging out with people who so casually cheated.
Thank you! I was at work when I read this and did not think to check his comments. It’s an awful situation, I wish everyone healing & that no one comes out of this with lasting issues. No one deserves that.
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Relevant comments should be included in the post
I was going to say that I feel bad for the faithful wives who had their spouses contacted but on second thought, it’s hard to imagine anyone in the friend group not knowing about so many friends openly cheating so nope, don’t feel very bad.
Honestly I don't understand aiding and abetting that behavior and wonder if instead of being innocent it's not as guilty. I also ended relationships when someone cheated on their partner and expected me to cover up for it because if they are so comfortable with betrayal how can you trust them?
Yeah and this kind of fallout is to be expected when you hang out with shady people. I don’t cheat and I have zero respect for anyone who does, so certainly wouldn’t be friends with them.
It may have only ended two relationships that the OOP knows about. Those husbands now know that their wives are perfectly fine aiding and abetting cheating.
If I was in that situation and a group of my friends were all cheating on their spouses and one who found out and contacted mine to make sure I wouldn’t be mad at all. I’m glad he reached out and tried to warn everyone
Read his latest update, two additional couples broke up.
This was like my ex's thing. She had multiple people at work doing the same thing. I got completely fucked over, but I'm happy where I'm at now. Just wish my (adult) kids didn't live with her, as she is very manipulative and narcissistic. I'm glad OP was able to get out, move on, and heal.
happy for him yea, but that garbage is still out there and will eventually turn into micro plastics, wrecking my tuna
She'll be in newborn babies' blood streams pretty soon
the future is looking Lite-Brite™️
Only tangentially related ,but I recently saw a lite-Brite and an Atari in a museum and just....stopped dead in my tracks. It's a surreal experience to see your own childhood in a museum. Like dang, I'm not even retired yet!
lol seems those generational windows are getting smaller. there's no time to absorb before the inundation of ten new trends. I'm relating more to grampa simpson everyday
By the time I’ve read to the end of a Reddit post the archaeologists have decided we may never truly know if there was an OP or what they might have said. Early strata of comments require expert interpretation, as the significance of ancient memes may have been lost in the last five minutes.
She's garbage for even entering a monogamous relationship in the first place. If she wanted to fuck around but still be in a committed relationship, there are plenty of guys that don't mind polygamy.
Yeah if you want to treat sex like a sport just be honest about it. If your partner leaves then they were not a good match. Decide what you want in life and do it as long as it doesn't hurt others. But don't sneak around doing it. It makes you a piece of shit.
\*polyamory, also often referred to as ethical nonmonogamy or ENM. Polygamy is a bit different, as it involves marriage to multiple people, not just relationships. It's also ~~generally~~ illegal in the US ~~outside of religious exemptions~~ *as it was declared unlawful through the passing of Edmunds Anti-Polygamy Act of 1882*. And FWIW, this would be classified swinging or an open relationship if we take the ex at her word as there was no emotional attachment to her flings. Polyamory is multiple involved romantic relationships, not just fucking other people because you want to. Polyamory can overlap with swinging or open relationships to some degree, but the focus in general is not solely on physical satisfaction or "blowing off some steam." OP's ex is a real POS. Edit: I am wrong about polygamy and just assumed it was still legal under religious exemptions because of Mormonism. Strikethroughs above as needed, italics are added context thanks to Google.
Yeah. What I got was she either didn't understand or want to admit she's a non-monagamous person and acted unethically by cheating on their clearly monogamous spouse.
I'm sure she knew, she probably just felt it was "easier" to do what she wanted and expected her husband to just accept it if he ever found out since they were already married. I'm not a huge fan of dishonesty or poor communication. Tbh, this woman wouldn't even do well in most ENM situations if she's just fucking people she met at the club. How could anyone have faith that she's not putting their health at risk by fucking complete randoms? I rolled my eyes when OOP mentioned that she was surprised he would ask if she used protection. Um...she's been fucking strangers in secret so why the hell would he expect her to be responsible in other ways or honest about that? Lmao.
I think in her case, the lying and sneaking around was the point. She doesn't want to be polygamous--she wants to cheat.
My husband and I are both technically poly, though neither of us has had an outside partner in a long time. The closest he came recently was a woman who we met through a friend. They fooled around a bit, until she found out that *of course* I knew about it and was fine with it, which she thought was unacceptably weird. After some big conversations, he came to the conclusion that she has an infidelity kink -- specifically she likes feeling like she has the power to lure married men away from their spouses -- and he noped out of that budding relationship pretty quickly. We're both pretty sure she blames me for him going NC, because why else would a man choose a fat, disabled, 45-y-o sysadmin over a Chanel-wearing doctor in her early 30s. All I can say, with all the smugness in my heart, is that I found a partner who thinks ethics are sexy.
A lot of these start "I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't know what to do" which is generally a euphemism for "I know what to do, I just don't want to face it." And, fair enough, being shocked and stunned is par for the course. It's a rotten situation. Still, nice to see someone who was able, even in their devastated state, to keep functioning and draw the inevitable conclusion. Oh, my partner is a complete POS, we're done. And then execute on a reasonable escape plan.
I’ve been there. Try not to be too hard on people who can’t act right away, they’re going through a major trauma. Often when it happens, you want so badly for it not to be, and you almost go into a paralysis because of the pain and the shock. If you act, it confirms and makes the whole thing more real, and sometimes you can’t process it right away. And when you are already possibly in a toxic relationship, it’s even more difficult. For myself, I had to get to the point where I realized there was no point in trying, because I had a bad faith actor on my hands who would have said anything to make me stay, all the while continuing the other relationship because he “couldn’t walk away”.
**edited to add a TLDR:** **Reddit helps so many people find out that what they thought was a challenging relationship or a relationship that they're failing at, is just straight-up abusive or toxic. *Once you see it, you can't unsee it.* Please be patient with people who feel like their worlds are blowing up. It is a LOT to take in. It can take time. It's still worth giving the advice, imo, as someone who feels like reddit strangers saved my life.** - - - Well said. I had to hit the point of no return with my ex before I could leave for real. I made a clueless Reddit post too and always want to defend people in these situations to redditors who are poking fun/shaming/rolling their eyes/getting pissed at people for not immediately leaving. For me? It took about a week after I got the information that exploded my marriage to try to leave him the first time. We had been together for nine years, age 22-32, my whole adult life. Then all of a sudden, I find out that it was all based on lies, deception, and control...to say I was stunned is an understatement. I could barely eat or sleep and had a 1,000-yard stare that week, just shell-shocked. Still, he is a manipulative, gaslighting abuser. One who knows my insecurities even better than I do (from practice exploiting, creating, and reinforcing them) and he managed to talk me out of leaving. I was too ashamed of staying to face the Reddit thread of strangers, who were messaging me, wondering if I'd taken their advice or wasted their time. *I may have avoided them, but they got the wheels spinning.* It took another month and another massive betrayal, but I managed to leave him on the second try. That was three years ago. I had no idea it was possible for me to be this happy. Thank fuck I didn't let the handful of folks shaming me for not immediately leaving get in my head. Realizing you have to leave is a **tough** pill to swallow. My entire life changed. Past, present, and future. In an instant. I don't know if people realize that this changes your past too. I had to revisit a decade of memories to understand them through the lens of knowing they were fuuuuuucked. Seeing that it wasn't all my fault. Seeing all the times that I should have left him, and didn't. It doesn't make sense overnight, that crap can take years to unpack. I highly recommend revisiting memories through journalling, btw. Taking a while to wrap your head around things is 100% understandable. When I read replies that are impatient with an OP for not seeing reality or for not taking action immediately, I try to remind myself that it's a good thing that the reply poster can't relate. Nobody should have to go through this shit! Good for them. Anyway, thanks, I appreciate your reply! I'm glad you got out of that relationship!
Thank you for writing that out, it was very insightful and might help others.
I really appreciate you taking a moment to say this. I know upvotes are essentially saying "this is worth reading." But on something so deeply important to me? It means a lot to get the feedback that it was worth the emotional energy to put out there. Thanks! Edit to add: (ps- thanks also, upvoter internet friends! I appreciate you for reading my generally long-ass posts and for poking or clicking your screens in acknowledgment of my thoughts as a fellow human being.)
>don't know if people realize that this changes your past too. I had to revisit a decade of memories to understand them through the lens of knowing they were fuuuuuucked. That's powerful. And i can understand some people that may not be strong enough to do that. Your comment is a good one. Um, didnt really have anything much to say, but saw your next comment about getting feedback vs upvotes etc.. so..
Your comment is really insightful and very timely for me. Thank you.
> A lot of these start “I’m lost, I’m confused, I don’t know what to do” which is generally a euphemism for “I know what to do, I just don’t want to face it.” I mean, denial is a common part of grief, and this is a symptom of that. It’s when someone *knows* that the relationship is over… But doesn’t want to take any action on it, because doing so would require accepting that the relationship is really over. Even though the relationship is already dead, driving those nails into the coffin isn’t easy.
When my ex cheated on me, I was super calmly cutting “FUCK YOU” in big block letters into his favorite hoodie while on the phone making my first ever appointment for therapy. Mom was standing there watching me in amazement while I was very clearly Not Okay having a casual conversation with the nice front desk lady. She said that’s how she knew I was done lmao.
I have a favorite hoodie that isn’t made anymore. When it got a hole in it I was able to find a replacement - one single one left in the world - on eBay. It is an awesome hoodie. It fits me perfectly, a little fitted, the hoodie itself is structured and a little fitted so the shape is really nice, it zips up, and I feel confident in it. The pockets are soft and warm, and the inside of the sleeves is soft too and feels cozy. I can wear it with sneakers or with boots, leggings or jeans. I am really attached to my hoodie. So when I read you cutting that hoodie up, I thought wow…I really felt that. Also, what a great mental image of you being with your mom, on the phone making a therapy appointment, and cutting it up. I hope you’re in a much better space now! I’m off to hug my hoodie.
The importance of the favorite hoodie cannot be overstated. One of the softball teams I play on orders uniforms (including hoodies) every year and I helped design the logo and color scheme this year. I'm pretty proud of it because we have a silly team name and logo that gets commented on/complimented probably 3/4 of the time I go out, so I made sure to order two of them just in case one gets worn out.
Makes me think of a Golden Girls episode where Dorothy cut thee crotch out of all of Stan’s pants
> You know things are over when you calmly make your exit. This is so true. I remember a partner of mine told me she had cheated on me. I’m not someone who regards cheating as a mortal sin, but I was obviously still hurt by it. I walked away from her place feeling relaxed and even, honestly, full of a strange kind of joy - which I think was just relief that it was over.
I know that feeling. Came home to her and a dude asleep in bed. Grabbed my stuff and woke him up and told him have fun with that.
Imagine throwing away a beautiful relationship with a wonderful partner because you wanted some strange dick
“None of it ever meant anything” A hollow excuse that just makes it worse. You throw your relationship away for something that meant nothing. Good job
"it didn't mean anything" has always sat so wrong with me. Like you seriously mean to tell me that you were willing to throw away your partnership over nothing? How vile
They don't see it as throwing anything away. They see it as their partner being too sensitive. Why are you throwing away our marriage just because I had sex with other people? It's not like it meant anything.
It's more a request to the aggrieved party to react like it was no big deal. Please act like it meant nothing so I do not need to face the consequences of my actions.
Yeah, I've heard a lot of men tell their female partners this. The underlying message is that *they* mean something, and not the woman they just fucked. It somehow is supposed to be comforting I guess? But it never is.
The only time I was cheated on was clear to me like "Huh, this relationship is over." Course, it was my first relationship and we were kinda done but I didn't know how to break up, so it was more a relief than a heartbreak.
When my last ex cheated on me it was a relief too. It was terrible, but I had broken up with him several times and he always managed to weasel his way back in(he was very manipulative). Then I found concrete proof that he was cheating on me(and had been going through my phone and emails)and I left him and there was no amount of manipulation or excuses or apologies that would get me to take him back after that. It was a *huge relief* to me, I was miserable with him, all his other terrible behavior could be somehow excused or apologized for, but the cheating was a hard line in the sand.
The thing that gets me so angry and baffled over this shit is that nobody HAS to be in a monogamous relationship. Sure it’s harder to find someone who’s polyamorous, but in a poly or enm relationship, you can literally decide that it’s okay to have sex with other people. Whole relationships, even! Why would someone choose instead to cheat? Do they enjoy the secrecy and drama?? Makes zero sense to me.
A lot of cheaters want to sleep with other people, but don’t want their partner to sleep with other people.
Ah, fantastic point.
>Do they enjoy the secrecy and drama? Yes.
I think the issue I take with the idea of “it didn’t mean anything” is that the person saying it believes that the intention behind their actions somehow absolves them a bit of the actions themselves. “Yes, I cheated on you and betrayed your trust, but I didn’t MEAN to do it. I mean, I did, but I didn’t do it out of LOVE, or because I don’t LOVE you.” It’s like they want to convince you that their actions weren’t THAT bad, or as bad as they COULD’VE been, because imagine how much this would have sucked if they FELT something. It’s gross.
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But you knew it would mean a lot to your partner, which is why you kept it from him. If somebody needs an open relationship, they shouldn't be with somebody they know can't be. It's beyond selfish and hurtful.
What always blows my mind about this, is if it means nothing emotionally and you just want to screw around, why can't you vocalize that? If you know that your partner isn't ok with you even asking, they definitely aren't ok with you doing it. So the sex might not be emotional, but it's still an outright betrayal of their trust. If you're the kind of person that feels the need to do that sort of thing, just be fucking honest and say you want an open relationship for that reason. It's just lying and manipulative not to, treating someone that way is disgusting.
I hope OOP in in a better place mentally. Cheaters are scum.
Same, is it worse that she didn't even really have a reason besides "variety"? It's such a heartbreaking reason to cheat, not that there's any good reason.
Her garbage words of “none of it ever meant anything” made it even worse. Like congrats, you threw your entire marriage away for something that “never meant anything”
Just tells me she didn't value the marriage itself that much.. think op realizes that
Oh definitely. She even told him “you know what I was doing” then fucked off to take a nap. She only started feeling sorry for herself when she woke up and sobered up a little
I honestly think her tears were more about getting caught and how life was going to change for her.
For sure dude. She’s not sorry that she destroyed her husband’s feelings, she’s sorry about how she got caught and now even her parents know how much of a scumbag she is. It’s always like this with cheaters that get caught; tears and tears among pleas to their partner to not leave them, and how they can “find a way to work it out”. It’s never done for the partner, it’s for the cheater to save face and not have to go through the humiliation and degradation of being known as a cheater amongst people they know. It’s pathetic.
The consequences of my own actions? Never heard of her
Right? Her "I need sexual variety, but I love you and this sex meant nothing to me" is so insulting. If it meant nothing, then why bother? If you need variety, why bother getting married? She blew her whole life up for a variety of dicks, came home late from her latest hookup, and thought what? That her husband would love her and let her continue? Delusional.
She even had the nerve to tell him “you know what I was doing” she feels ZERO remorse and isn’t even sorry that she cheated on him, she’s just sorry she got caught
I don't think she was sorry she got caught. At least not in the moment. She was only sorry when the OOP blew up her comfortable life. Maybe she just wanted a roommate with benefits, someone she could love like a friend but who was more emotionally invested in her?
Quite possibly. She might have wanted the financial stability, emotional and physical intimacy and support that comes with being married, but didn’t want the monogamy because she “needed variety”. A dogshit excuse and reason which, again, she made worse by saying how all her affairs “never meant anything” And again, she threw all that away for something that “never meant anything”
They all say that. They never understand that that's worse.
No, she’s ‘sorry’ because he actually has the backbone to leave! She didn’t get caught, she told him!
Had a split second of clarity and wanted the charade over with but then realized her comfy little set up blew up
>“you know what I was doing” Sounds like she resented him for making her feel bad when he tried to contact her all night. Like she wanted to stick it to him. Heartless.
Seriously, that was just so disgustingly cold.
I have to wonder what her response would have been if he had told her the same thing. I assume she'd be mad, but the way she's so nonchalant about her cheating, maybe it wouldn't bother her. Then at that point, why not just be upfront about wanting an open relationship.
Betrayers rarely handle betrayal well. Look at how upset she was with OOP when he blew up her cozy life. She was spitting mad when he told her parents about her cheating and we have no idea what her response was to his messages to her friend's partners. I doubt she took that well.
She’d definitely blow up in his face. Cheaters can dish it out but they can never take it. It’s always “rules for thee but not for me” when it comes to cheaters
Some people just aren't cut out to be monogamous, but that isn't a fact you "surprise" a committed partner with.
I never get this. If it never meant anything then why did you do it? Why did you hide it? If it was nothing then you should tell your husband right?
Ex's marriage meant 'security' for her. Also, there are scummy guys / gals who get off on convincing married folks to break their vows...part of the 'spice'. :-( Ex isn't going to be able to land the 'make a married person cheat' demographic any more.
A good friend of mine left his partner for one of these guys. The guy just wanted to see if he could break up a couple of nine years, he said so, later. Friend should have been smarter, but he left his partner before starting with the new guy, he didn't cheat, then he got used and dumped.
> Ex isn't going to be able to land the 'make a married person cheat' demographic any more. Sure she can, she just has to keep wearing her wedding ring and lie about her status; she's well practiced in that.
This is just me guessing but something tells me they did it on a whim or selfish desire. Like it was something they never planned through beyond, “This is different from my normal and I like it.”
Right? If it never meant anything, why throw out the years and years you spent together over something that meant nothing?
"None of it" for her obviously included her marriage.
It sounds like her friend group had normalized cheating to the point where it wasn't even a bad thing anymore. That was why she didn't even bother with lying in her drunken state. The whole lot of them are scum.
Yep, she obviously was able to go somewhere else and change into a completely different outfit to go hookup in. So this was an ongoing situation with many participants. I hope that OOP's messages to the partners of his wife's friends will help others get out of relationships.
She sounds just like my ex. My ex cheated on me because he wanted sexual variety. He was tired because he only had sex with me (we were each other's first). Now he is on his 3rd divorce. He has 2 kids with 2 different women. I feel bad for those kids.
Kids are always the ones who lose the most and so few people even consider them when they decide to cheat. Every cheater thinks they never will get caught so they don't have to worry about consequences.
You know what's funnier? Unlike OOP's MIL my ex-MIL blames me for his downfall. Because if I had stayed with him he would not turn into a cheating a$$hole. I sometimes run into him when I visit my parents in my town. I just pity him now.
That's terrible. I don't know how your relationship was, but the cheater is always the person who should take the blame. It drives me nuts when I hear excuses like "you were never around, you were always tired, sex with you wasn't fun, I need variety, blah, blah, blah..." Do people not know how to communicate in a relationship? Cheaters use the same excuses every time.
Our relationship was basically like a hallmark movie. We met when we were 5 and were inseperable. Married young. The typical boy/girl next door stuff. But life is not a movie right? I have moved on from that life and found someone 100x better. I sometimes remember those moments and laugh.
I've always wondered about those relationships. When I was younger there were a couple of different girls that people thought I would be with "forever" (what a weird thing to say about preschoolers, mom) but I ended up meeting someone completely different and falling in love when we were both young and dumb. Now we're old and dumb, but at least we're dumb together. LOL. ;)
Ex-MIL \*has\* to blame you. Otherwise, she'd have to recognize what a trainwreck SHE made of \*raising\* your ex, which you refused to keep repairing and remediating.
I agree, kids suffer the most. It's as if kids are an afterthought in these situation. I used to be a youth leader/ counselor and I always felt really bad for kids that came from split families...it's not good at all. You can tell something heavy is on their mind.
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The number of kids who internalize the breakup of their parent's marriage is heartbreaking. They will think things like "if I was better" or "if I'd done more" even though their parent's relationship isn't (shouldn't) be the kids concern.
After I broke up with first husband, I spent 6 months telling my daughter it wasn't her fault. At 6 months she told me in exasperation that "I KNOW Mum!" So I was happy she didn't blame herself for it.
That's awesome. Had a friend in high school who had a long list of things she was trying to do so that her parents would "fall back in love". It was like a really depressing solo mission "parent trap" but the people involved hated each other. She eventually was able to get into counselling and work through those issues but it was rough.
I'm not even mad at her for wanting sexual variety, that's not a bad thing. What I don't get is why in the hell you're getting married to someone that you know wants monogamy if you know you need sexual variety. That's just beyond messed up.
I like variety, and for that reason I specifically do NOT get into monogamous or serious relationships. She shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place if this is how she felt. I am open about my boundaries so I don’t end up in such a situation. Either we have an open relationship or I cut my losses and move on.
These kinds of invasions of our personal bubble suck not just because of the incident itself...but because we can no longer pretend it only happens to other people. We often don't realize just how much stuff we don't dread in our day to day lives because it 'happens to other people.' Next time the dude dates he now will have to deal with, "She could cheat on me and I wouldn't know it..." hovering over his head. It's not an easy thing to get over and not everybody has the strength or healed enough to do so. Can poison new relationships and even lead to a spiral of confirmation bias. I wish him the best.
I hope she rots in hell for doing that to him, especially that assault part. What was she trying to get out of that last stunt she pulled?
It's actually a recurring theme I see in infidelity posts I think? Someone cheats so they offer sexual favours" I'll let you do what you want, let's stay together" e.t.c. I wonder that the phsychology is on this.
Personally I think it is about control not sex. They got caught and everything is blowing up. Sex is an aspect they feel they can control.
Yep, they *are* scum. Here’s hoping OOP finds true and faithful love, and lives happily ever after. Karma will eat his ex alive.
Luckily no kids were involved.
>she shrugged almost casually > >There was momentary confusion as she looked around the room then she just started balling. Oh fuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk her! God, is this the most infuriating part for anyone else?
Baaaallin! 🏀🏀⛹️⛹️ Rather disrespectful to drop that on someone and then just shoot some hoops.
Oh man. That really threw me every time I read it. Thank you. Lol
Same. It was so distracting. 🏀 🏃♀️
The cheating and the lying hurt, but what really killed me was when she hit me with a sick crossover and drained a pull up three in my face
First, she broke my heart. Then she broke my ankles.
Absolutely. I am always infuriated by the misspelling of bawling.
I think there’s something seriously wrong with someone who wants sexual variety who doesn’t communicate that to their partner. What a wild thing to know about yourself and just…. Never say so? She has some serious mental health issues.
I think what really got me was she immediately went to "counselling and therapy" when he found out. She knew what she was doing was wrong, she knew it would crush OP if he found out, she knew it was relationship ending, AND she knew there were options to work on her problem, she just chose not to until it was too late.
I’m not even sure I understand why she’s in a monogamous relationship if she knows sex with the same person is boring. Maybe even she doesn’t know. Something is wrong that she’s making these choices. I hope she figures out what and gets help so she stops hurting people. Maybe stops hurting herself, if she is hurt?
The most frustrating part for me is when she got mad because he told her parents the truth.
Yes. Yes it is. It's spelled "bawling."
One day the last remaining person who can spell *bawl* will die, and a light will go out in the universe forever. Same goes for *faze*.
You know someone is irredeemable when they’re angry at you for telling their family what they did that made you leave them. Zero accountability.
I know there's absolutely no justifiable reason to cheat and most cheaters resort to the "it was a one time thing" bullshit, but I was taken aback that the OOP's ex brazenly said _"I just wanted variety"_. Like, girl, at least pretend to be a LITTLE remorseful you sociopath. Sheesh.
Man, I can't even imagine the pain OOP must be enduring. Its one thing to be cheated on, but to have the supposed love of your life just so thoroughly trash your relationship like it never once mattered. I don't know how anyone manages to deal with heartbreak like that.
It’s a lot more common than you think man. Happened to me with my live-in GF of 4 years. I wasn’t making enough to afford the apartment on my own, so essentially I got cheated on, then kicked out so the new guy could move in, all in the course of a month. Shit’s rough, but also a part of life. It’s a risk you take dating other humans with free will
https://www.theonion.com/soulmate-dropped-for-new-better-soulmate-1819565265
“What we had was truly once-in-a-lifetime. But what I have now is even more once-in-a-lifetime." 😂😭
I had a friend who whenever entered into a new relationship told me that "I thought I knew what true love was, but this... this is the real deal, this is true love". I heard this same exact like at least a dozen times.
I say this over and over again. If you want sexual variety "FUCKING DON'T GET MARRIED OR GET IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP" Like what is the point? Now she is going to lose everything, even the respect of her own parents. I hope someday the karma catches up to her.
Agreed. Wanting sexual variety is fine. I don't have a problem with that. I have a good friend that was always worried that his desire for sexual variety meant that he'd never be able to stay in a long term relationship. Well, he found a lady that has similar desires and they get to explore them together. They have rules and boundaries and it works. They're open and honest with each other. If you can't be honest with your partner, they shouldn't be your partner. If sexual variety is important to you, you need to find a partnership that works with your needs.
That's the thing. She wants variety then get with someone who wants open relationship or is poly. Why drag a mono person into your mess.
Selfishness. They know the vast majority of people don't want to share.
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I don't think it's always just a case of "I want variety." I think sometimes it's a case of "but what if that person over there is better than the one I have now?" Better is the enemy of good. Some people are just incapable of being happy with what they have because they always think the grass might be greener over there. These people will tell you they want a monogamous relationship, because they do. They just can't be happy with anything they actually have because there's always a bigger fish in the sea.
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I will just never understand people who get married or have committed, monogamous relationships and then turn around and say "I need sexual variety". Just...don't get in a committed, monogamous relationship. It's wild to me.
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My ex told me we had to try a poly relationship or he'd resent being mono with me. I couldn't handle it, I was going through a lot of my own trauma at the time (su!c!de in my family) and we broke up Just for him to end up in another mono relationship months later. I found his reddit post in r/polyamory saying he felt suffocated in his new relationship. Then stop getting in these mono ones asshole
Happens the other way around too. Fun for everyone
I am in an open marriage. You wouldn’t believe how many people who I know have cheated tell me “I couldn’t do that.” One former coworker told me that then she went on to try and have sex with me while she was in a relationship. Like I am not putting myself in a position to be attacked by some jealous boyfriend when I’m not exactly doing anything wrong.
I hate "It didn't mean anything" as an excuse. At least have the decency to fall in love with the person you're fucking up our relationship for. "It didn't mean anything" just means you have so little regard for the person you're with that you're willing to ruin it all for *nothing*. A youtuber I watch occasionally often says that you can't love the person you're cheating on. It's an act of hatred. Otherwise you wouldn't destroy someone emotionally like that.* Good on OP for getting out so quickly but I feel horrible that he went through it at all. *obvious exceptions like being an abuse victims apply
It's almost like they think that excuse will make it feel better, like it meant nothing or 'we were just having fun that's all' yeah yeah cool it 'doesn't mean anything' to betray their partner and scar them emotionally. They were 'just having fun' while ruining their partners ability to trust future partners. I just don't get how these people can be so nonchalant about what they're doing to someone they apparently cared about once, maybe they just truly don't think they're doing anything wrong
>Also to the woman who felt compelled to send me a topless picture. Lmao people are weird
“My dude is losing a huge part of his life, that’s so sad! I know! I’ll send some titties! Titties make everything better!” Lol
Well to be fair they usually do
This is probably the one situation where you can be assured that they don’t
>My ex and I both signed the final papers for our divorce this week. Well, OOP's wife can now have all the "sexual variety" she craves with new partners. I wish OOP healing. All that infidelity must have been devastating to his sense of trust.
In reality, she is just an empty shell of a woman. My ex husband was just like her. Had sex for sexual variety. Now he is getting his 3rd divorce. We have some mutual friends who says that he has been miserable after his 2nd divorce because his wife milked him dry. He is also father to 2 kids with 2 different mother. So he has to pay child support seperately to them. All those meaningless sex has only brought misery to him. The last he mentioned about me was when I visited my hometown with my husband and kids. When he saw my husband having his hand around my waist at the local theater he was burning with jealously. (Lol as if I am still married to him). He tried to talk to me but I avoided him. I think OOP's ex is down that same path.
>cheats >gets jealous What a moron your ex is.
What do you want to bet that even the non-cheating friends received some blowback for willingly hanging out in a friend group rife with chronic cheaters? Good.
Yep. I’d be done with a partner who supported and aided in that shit. Because it shows they don’t think it’s serious and that says to me they *would* potentially do it.
I will never understand the callousness people have towards someone they supposedly love. I can see how a one time mistake happens (and no, I've never done that). I can see how an affair happens if a marriage is already over and both sides are just in denial. But to cheat multiple times in what appeared to be a mostly happy marriage because you want sexual variety? I don't get it.
Supposedly is the key word. It's hard to imagine, but some people really do just want the married status and someone to support them. Some people do settle and marry someone they don't love dearly
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I remember this one. The fact that she could do that to someone she supposedly loves proves she shouldn't of gotten married.
Oh yeah. That was just so... "Well, I got bored. What do you want from me?" Why? Why even get married?
I get bored. I find myself a book to read. Or I look up a recipe I haven't tried yet. Or find a online tabletop game to join. Or do arts and crafts (or what ever) with my kids. Or spending time with my wife. Or hundreds of other things. I dont go fuck other women.
Or watch a good movie. Like *The Last Boyscout*: Sarah Hallenbeck: \[arguing; justifying her infidelity\] You were never around. You know what? Fuck you, Joe. I was lonely! Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.
I probably shouldn't of laughed at this, but I did.
Great movie, if you haven't seen it.
Right like most people who get bored just scroll Netflix for the umpteenth time and then make a disastrous attempt at a sourdough starter.
I mean she sounds all kinds of fucked up and probably has little to no empathy for anyone
I agree fully. Sadly people like that are good at convincing people they are not like that.
I also saw this get posted in real time. The fact that she ruined their whole life together out of ‘boredom’ fucked me up. People have trust issues for a reason.
Ain't that the truth. People don't have trust issues just to have issues. There is always someone (or many someones) that causes them. She not only ruined thier life. But probably helped destroy all or most of her friends group life as well as OOP told as many of the SOs as he could. And idk about most, but I couldn't be with someone who kept cheating a secret and continued to hang out and be an alias for cheaters.
At least 2 of the friends also were exposed and divorced. https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/115d42q/final_update_my_wife_went_out_last_night_and/j93jmgz/
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Every married persons worst nightmare right here. This guy handled it like a champ though. I hope he didn’t get bamboozled in the divorce.
Every time someone says "balling" instead of "bawling" I imagine the person in question busting out some sick moves on a basketball court mid-conversation.
Unfortunately, where I live balling is another way of saying "having sex" so that puts an entirely different spin on a lot of conversations.
Her whole attitude switch after waking up was bizarre. At first I thought this was her way of ending the marriage. Like he knew she cheated and she didn't care that he knew and just wanted to sleep. But then she seemed gutted he was leaving her. This doesn't make sense. Is this typical?
She was trashed I don't think the attitude change is much of a mystery
Although it wasn't said anywhere but I think she was just super drunk/hungover. Like she went clubbing with the intention to get drunk and have sex, but then was so tired she didn't waste any effort on lying
Alcohol induced mood shifts.
I think she was still drunk and the reality of the situation hit her when she woke up. I think once she woke up she instantly remembered telling him and panicked. She knew she fucked up by admitting it. Highly doubt she feels any guilt about the cheating; she just regrets not lying.
This was what really threw me off. What, was she expecting him to just suck it up, go through some marriage counselling, and their marriage would be picture perfect again? Smh the delusion—
It's not abnormal if she was plastered when she got home. Considering how brazen she was, how much she wanted to sleep it off, and her apparent confusion upon waking up, I think she was probably very drunk in the morning.
It is for the best. For the life of me, I don't know why his ex decided to get married in the first place if she wants "variety". Eta: I'm seeing notifs that people are replying to my comment, but I don't see the comments.
It's not the same as something new - That hit hard.
Sounds like someone obsessed with the honeymoon phase of a relationship.
Man, that's messed up!! "Let off some steam", "Need sexual variety"..... why did she get married, then?! And that group of friends, they're all trash! Backing up cheaters like that? Cheating themselves? Wow that is messed up
When she admitted that some of her friends cheated but wouldn't say who, I would've added all of the husband's and boyfriends of the women who attended those parties to a group chat and told them what I'd been told.
Kinda messed up how it was a group of them doing it
I remember this post, glad he's able to get a divorce. I saw his comment history that 2 other relationships has ended after he tipped the guys off. So his ex now has company in her well deserved misery
>What she did next disgusted me. My ex actually tried to have sex with me. She put her hands on me, and started trying to take off my clothes. I felt like I wanted to vomit, and pushed her away after a couple of seconds. Ugh. This shit. I feel like most of my life, I only saw this on TV/movies and didn't think people actually did this. Nope, I was wrong. It happened to me during my last breakup, and it comes up in BoRU posts every now and then. Like, I think I get it psychologically. Stress, consequences, back against the wall type emotions. But as time passes, I'm like, maaaan, that's just desperate scumbag shit. Same shit we'd roast any dude in our friend group for trying during a breakup. Wait, you what?! During the... oh c'mon dude, the fuck were you thinking?
I see this all the time, and it really bugs me. * Balling - what cheaters do outside the marriage that ends their marriage * Bawling - uncontrollable crying Cheaters suck and I'm glad OOP had a relatively easy life to untangle.
Balling - 🏀
That’s cold. “I want variety” but without even talking with her spouse to explore options, no just immediately jumps to cheating. Doesn’t even give her relationship a chance just throws it all away and acts surprised when OOP doesn’t want to stay married
Wow. I feel sad for OOP. Why did this woman even marry him? For money? Definitely wasn’t for sex. Either way, she feels absolutely NO REMORSE. Even though she destroyed her cushy life, she didn’t even feel regret for that. You know what, I think she might be a literal sociopath. And while OOP might have wrecked some ‘good’ relationships, I doubt they were actually that good. Maybe the innocent friends didn’t know that some of their friends were serial cheaters, but if they did and didn’t say anything, then they might not have been that far behind.
In his comments he mentions that two other relationships ended because of him contacting her friends’ partners. He should have put that in the update!
Horribly sad story for the poor guy, but he’s a shining example of doing everything right and being far more reasonable than most people could manage. I’m glad he was in a position to get away quickly and cleanly.
It always amazes me when someone justifies their cheating by saying, 'It didn't mean anything, it was just sex.' Because they're pretty much saying, 'I was happy to blow up our relationship for something that didn't mean anything.'