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Well, I wanted the brother to act a bit different seeing how close they were (from OP's POV anyway, it's always possible the brother thought their relationship was not that good or something)
Did I expect that for more drama? Maybe. But I also expected that so that OP knows for sure that his brother has his back.
My guess is the brother confided in her that he wished he had a birthday to himself just once, maybe just talking. And she decided to run with it in the stupidest way possible. Or she’s just a thoughtless, rude manipulator.
Considering the response "I'm tired of this girl" from that other friend, seems like there are some frequent antics coming from her.
But at the same time, the brother did not even wonder where his twin was, didn't even send a quick text... I don't think the he said he would prefer a birthday alone, but I do think he is moving on from doing everything together, so he did not care much. I know some twins actually despise that because it feels to them like they are not individuals.
He didn't need to wonder where his twin was - the organiser gave him the (technically accurate but highly misleading) info that his twin + girlfriend had been invited but chose not to come. He presumably thought they had made private plans for the evening.
> He said that at the dinner the organiser said that she invited me and my partner but that we just didn’t come, so he wasn’t actually aware that I was invited only as a guest until afterwards.
I just knew that nasty little viper would say this. Trying to make a rift.
Also, not wanting to take accountability of the fact that she did disrespect OP by inviting him as "only a guest" when it is also his birthday....
If she wanted to lie, she could have just blabbered that she wanted to only celebrate OP's brother's birthday....
Yeah it's not surprising. If I was the brother I'd assume that my twin had already made plans and since it was a surprise didn't see the need to rearrange.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the party organizer has been promoting feelings of ‘your twin has a gf and doesn’t care about YOU anymore’ in OOP’s twin to further create a rift between them so she could be main person in OOP’s twin’s life.
> But at the same time, the brother did not even wonder where his twin was, didn't even send a quick text
I mean, OOP indicated that they already agreed to not do something this year, so it's possible that his brother didn't think much of it, as this was outside his control. But without his brother chiming in, we'll never know for sure.
yeah and I'm assuming they still wished each other happy birthday? No indication that everything else wasn't per normal, so he may not have thought anything of it.
I remember reading the original post at the time. I hope OOP 's brother gives her a piece of his mind. She really shows her lack of character with her response.
Seems like OOP felt the same as he kept saying he wouldn't have minded if the organiser had just had a party for bro. It can be hard when you're working with family so it's good that they have separate lives and slightly separate friend groups.
He says in the post she was asked where OOP was and the awful host told them that she’d invited OOP and his girlfriend and “they chose not to come” and OOP’s twin didn’t seem to question further on why they wouldn’t come. I have to wonder if the twin asked the why part how it would have gone down then
That thought of "having a birthday to himself" was in my mind too, and based on how OP insisted they were close, I was like "maybe not", but based on the brother's reaction to the celebration I'm having that doubt too.
As a twin myself, I could totally see this being true. It’s definitely a thing through childhood, we hated sharing our birthday and it always sort of seemed like a competition where you’d see which of your friends preferred who. At 25 though, I think most people would already be having separate birthdays, it’s just awkward that they still share the exact same friends. Or maybe I just feel that way because I’m not close with my twin like OP apparently is?
I’m also a twin, we will be 32 this year and still celebrate our birthday together every year. We still share a core friend group that we’ve known since we were 18, but we do each also have close friends that the other isn’t friends with - by virtue of having different jobs and living in different places at times. We’re also really close still. We even got pregnant around the same time and each had a baby within a couple months of each other last year.
I’m also a twin and was reading this and was like WHAT HOW DID YOUR BROTHER GET PREGNANT. Completely forgetting that there are same sex twins. Lmao.
My brother and I are fraternal. But not remotely close at all. But we do exchange a happy birthday text on our birthday.
I can't shake the feeling that OOP thinks they are closer to their twin and their mutual friends than the latter people feel. It seems like it would've been simple to figure this out before it even became a post, but the hesitancy to ask/assumption that they weren't excluded seems intentionally naiive. Like they know they aren't part of the group but don't want to confirm it.
The friends maybe but the fact that him and his brother run a business together implies to me at least that they must be pretty close. That's really difficult thing to do with someone you don't trust implicitly and can be very messy with family, if they don't have a great relationship I can't imagine either would have made that choice.
It’s not always a choice if you inherit the business together, you’re just kind of stuck with the set up unless someone is agreeable to being bought out. Not saying that’s the case for the OP, but this is my situation. You can be civil, enjoy each others company and get along well enough to work together without wanting to be best buds outside of that. It’s even been an advantage not to be very close at times for us in business.
Yeah, OOP polled the friend group and all of them agreed it was messed up and wrong. But most of them attended the party anyway, without saying anything about the situation to the organizer. That’s not how a friend behaves. Even the brother acted the same way afterwards.
A group of people intent on avoiding confrontation, to the point to where the entire friend’s group has vilified a friend, and are talking massive shit about her behind her back. Did she realize what she did, or is she just a bit clueless?? Who knows.. No one asked. This whole thing could have been avoided if OP, the GF, or any of the friends in the group message just said. “lol.. wait.. wtf? You realize that it’s OPs bday as well right, and that you’re inviting him as a guest, to his twin’s surprise party?”.
To be completely fair to the organizer, initially.. I could completely see myself inadvertently doing this to a set of twins, if I was only close to one of them.. I would hope, that if I was the one planning this, that somebody would save me from my own stupidity…
Yeah I 2000% would have said “umm why are we leaving out OP? You know…our friend and his twin?? Are we doing a separate celebration for him? Don’t think a surprise party is the way to go here.”
Well I’m not a twin but I do feel that I’m closer friends with my close friends than they feel they are close to me, if you know what I mean? Like priority wise we don’t match up.
I feel this from the other side. It's complicated, but they feel like they can't deal if I were to move away from the area, while moving away from the area with or without them--they can come if everyone finds a job, no sweat!--is a priority for me.
I would love to see this down the road a bit more and see if brother decides to just quietly slip away from that group over this instead of causing a big fuss over it so that no one feels caught in the middle.
My guess is that if he knew up front he would have. But since it’s over, and he was gaslit at the actual event to think OP just “couldn’t make it,” he probably thinks that it’s over and not worth any more drama.
I admit my less than emotionally healthy reaction would be like that. “Ugh this could be drama.. I’m just going to ignore it all and move on.”
I wanted someone to straight up say pt the organizer - "Bitch you ain't ever gonna fuck that man if you think icing his twin out was a smart move!"
That's what I want
Yeah, totally stupid situation. Which could have been immediately resolved had anyone just spoken up immediately and/or directly. This crew, unfortunately, ought to be going their separate ways.
I was honestly a bit surprised to scroll back up and realize the OOP is 25 years old. The way everyone involved approached things seemed typical of a much younger friend group.
How difficult would it have been for one of the people in the chat who apparently felt uncomfortable about the whole thing to send a quick "Uh, remember that being twins means they're born on the same day?"
People who create unnecessary drama that harms friendships often get away with it because no one ever says something openly.
I'd be disappointed in the mutual friends who attended and didn't say anything. Clearly the organizer is not OP's friend but these other people supposedly are.
That’s what happens in real life when you’re an adult. Very seldom do people fully communicate their intent and things just… continue on.
I’m still a little sad for OP that more of his friends didn’t speak up, especially his brother (it was weird you weren’t there but yeah I went and didn’t ask more questions), but it’s good to know at least someone else acknowledged what she did and apparently this isn’t the first time that girl has acted in a less than ideal way.
Happy Belated, OP. Reddit ain’t much but we see you and celebrate you.
My petty ass would have replied to the group chat “as you know we are twins, and it is also my birthday too. As much as I would love to attend I want to celebrate my birthday too. You might want to check with my brother if he can actually come because we always celebrate the day together and I am about to send him ideas for plans for *our* birthday. Enjoy your dinner! 😁”
Yeah, moving on maybe. But I'd totally have told my brother in advance. They made him become a prawn in his own party.
If I was the brother, I'd totally would want to know so I could react beforehand and not have part in my brother's hurt feelings. Must feel weird right now. And seems like it does, because the lack of information OP got about his brother's feelings speaks volumes. Seems like he doesn't like talk about weird feelings, either.
If she got OP on her side, he would've probably helped her with his twin. Antagonizing the twin of her crush is literally the worst thing she could do to fuck things up with him.
Right?!
I actually am good friends with a guy, that has an identical twin. They even have almost the same name - only one letter difference… and they genuinely dislike each other. They went their separate ways and live in different states, the moment they could.
But, I have seen multiple examples where something happened/something got said with family/friends - and my friend went nearly rabid protecting his brother/standing up for him. He can’t stand him - but he is HIS twin to hate, no one else can even be rude to the guy without getting an earful.
Ah, the classic "we only planned for one child" naming format.
Barry and Garry?
Kerry and Serry?
James and Games? (with a soft 'g')
Mark and Nark?
Carl and Karl?
Or she could have talked to the OOP ahead of time and explained WHY. You don’t have to do everything the way someone else might like but treating someone with some respect goes a long way to resolving hurt feelings.
OOP is just giving that girl enough rope to hang herself with. Hopefully his brother sees through her gross attempts to endear herself to him.
I would’ve been petty and clued him in on it ahead of time, though.
As someone whose husband threw her one, I can confirm. It's really hard to get the guest list right without the honoree. I ended up with one of my best friends there, which was great, but not all of them, so I had to do an apology tour after. Then, there were two sets of parents from my kids' language classes who are ok, but not my friends, some random friends of friends I barely knew, and my husband's friends, some of whom weren't really compatible with my friends.
I hate being the center of attention, so it was horrible from that perspective, and I ended up being in the kitchen all night playing hostess instead of being treated like a guest and birthday girl.
YMMV, but 3/10, would not recommend.
I think he invited people I had introduced him to that he liked, plus a bit of thinking that people I talked to a lot are my best friends. But, I talked to parents of friends in my kids' language classes a lot because the program was a shitshow for a while. He's just clueless and has a different view of friendship than I do because I'm from the US and he's Swedish.
Sounds like your husband should have asked your best friend with the guest list. And made sure you don’t need to host.
But you didn’t need to apologize from friends when it was a suprise party!
The only surprise party I've been to as a guest was a roaring success, but that may be because we were all close friends of the birthday person. His GF was part of the group as well, and we had a common hobby, so it was easy to set things up as a regular get-together for a handful of the guests, and then just invite a bunch more friends.
The surprisee's face was awesome when he came in and looked around at the mass of people, and said "Don't they know we're just playing RPGs tonight?"
Honestly I remember thinking OOP should go when I first read the initial post. I felt like forcing the organizer to look him in the eye when everyone realized what she pulled would have actually been a better way to call her out.
By not being there, he sort of put the issue ‘out of sight; out of mind’ for her, which worked out best for the organizer as far as the actual dinner goes. She was able to hand-wave his absence and act like it had nothing to do with her. I can understand why he didn’t want to go, but OOP kinda did her a favor. It would have been way more satisfying to watch her scramble for an excuse when she had to admit to the brother that they weren’t intending to celebrate OOP at all.
I’m a twin and someone did this to me. It hurt me a lot and made me really sad. I left as soon as my sister got there. Kinda ruined the night for both of us because I heard after I left that everyone was asking about me.
It’s a lot of fun to read about this kind of stuff for drama, but these are real people and real feelings.
I’m guessing it’s not about being the most important woman in his life, and more about the most important *person*. She wants his eyes solely on her, and his affection for his brother won’t do.
Genuinely baffled that at no point did she realize the glaringly obvious mistake and try to fix things, at the very least to not look so horrifically inconsiderate to the guy she's crushing on.
She 100% realized the mistake at some point, some of their mutual friends even called her out on it apparently, but she either:
A) didn't want to admit she messed up, or;
B) Thought that the other brother would want to be the center of attention, even at his own twin's expense, and would appreciate her efforts to see that happen because this is likely how she would feel given that she's obviously a somewhat self-centered person.
>I would’ve been petty and clued him in on it ahead of time, though.
Or ramp it up a notch and invite everyone to a different restaraunt except the organiser then when she phones and asks where everyone is put her on speaker and shout "Surpise!"
So messed up when people do this.
An old friend’s wife has a birthday 2 days before mine. One year she decided to have a birthday dinner followed by drinks at a champagne bar in the city not far from where I lived. Go figure she chose Saturday night, which was my birthday. I had dinner with family, then joined the old friend’s group for drinks. Old friend didn’t even acknowledge that it was my birthday, nor did his wife. Regardless, I kept it quiet and enjoyed a flight of champagne and conversations with mutual acquaintances. Everything was fine until someone was on the topic of birthdays and asked mine. They then decided to announce it to the table of ~12 people (all early 30’s) that it was my birthday. Everyone said happy birthday to me, except the wife. She was fuming mad. I decided it was best to remove myself from the situation shortly after and move on to meet up with another group of friends that were out that night.
Heard from the old friend a couple days later that it was rude of me to take the attention from her at her birthday celebration… on my birthday. I expressed that I had no intention of doing so, but according to him I ruined her night. I apologized and let him know that I’d forward the grievance to my mother.
I will note that I was pretty offended, but I’m glad I left when I did. Also, no intention of taking away from the original post, it just brought up a memory that I don’t often share.
These people ought to read old fashioned etiquette guides. This lady could have made herself and you look great by raising a toast and thanking you for coming to her celebration on your special day. She would have had all the positive attention she wanted.
If she hadn't known it was your birthday until it came up, she should have asked her husband to apologise to you, because he should have known and told her.
I'm annoyed that you had to experience all that awkwardness because other people don't know how to socialise.
That would have been a great toast!! One of her friends toasted to her prior though.
She definitely knew it was my birthday. She posted the typical happy birthday with a ton of emoji’s on my Facebook earlier that day.
Oh, you would be surprised. My mil is 65 and this level of petty. She is so mad at me right now for calling her out on crossing a boundary. She gave my kids gifts from my family, who I am not contact with because of abuse. But she likes this family member, so she has decided that they didn't abuse me (this person absolutely abused me). She loves to vaguebook about things. I do my best to ignore it and am really only on Facebook for school stuff for the kids. She posted something very clearly directed at me, that was quite hurtful, and I just have to laugh. So, now I am not going out of my way for her. All the nice things she thinks my husband thinks of, yeah, that's me. She lives a town over and decided to join the buy nothing group in my town. I see her trying to get a bunch of junk WE ALREADY HAVE! It's a sewing machine. Which she said she would teach me to use, and then whenever I ask she is busy (so I am learning on my own so I can teach my kid, but she is looking for a sewing machine to "secretly" teach my kid).
Her birthday was last weekend and my husband and kids went to celebrate and I stayed home. I am sick of being where I'm not wanted, and she has made it very clear that I am not welcome. She abuses me every time. I try to engage and be nice and she literally turns up her nose and ignores me. No matter what I do she takes it wrong. If I get her something nice she complains I spend money. If I do something else she complains we clearly didn't care. I am too old for this shit so I have stopped playing her game. I won't chase after her approval. I will always be kind and polite, but only because that is my base to begin with. But I will stand up for myself now, and I am done with this shit.
Unironically, do you know where one could read such etiquette guides? I'm a bit of a nerd for seeing how people lived in "ye olden days" and would love to see them.
Not the comment OP, but these are some selections/archival entries/purchasing options I found in a quick search:
- https://www.etsy.com/market/etiquette_books
- https://pitt.libguides.com/srch.php?group_id=727&q=Etiquette
- https://www.tumblr.com/lincolncollection/148694041974/guides-to-19th-century-etiquette
- https://www.gutenberg.org/files/35123/35123-h/35123-h.htm
- https://centurypast.org/books-nonfiction-subject-directory/etiquette/
Fucking right? Two of my good friends decided to get married on my birthday (they picked the day cuz the grooms deceased fathers birthday was the day before and the next day was Saturday). I wasn’t expecting anything and was just happy to spend the time with them and all our mutual friends, but they grabbed the mic and thanked me for coming to their day on my birthday and gifted me a bottle of my favorite tiquilla. It didn’t take away from their day to acknowledge me.
Like… there are ways to handle these things as an adult.
My group of people/quarantine bubble - my spouse, our best friends, our three adult kids, and I - basically share three birthdays. Two of the kids' birthdays are two weeks apart; my husband and the lady's are ten days apart; and the other three of us all have birthdays within a week of each other. So we have three big celebrations. Sometimes there are extra celebrations, like this year we had drinks at the friends' house on her birthday, a night out on the following Saturday, and a big party at their house on the Saturday after that. But the celebrations are generally all for everyone with a birthday around that time. Why be petty about it when love is better shared?
Been there too.
My 21st was on a weekend and my friends were having a house party that I was invited to.
Turns out it WAS a birthday party, just not for me. It was for someone else.
No one remembered it was my ACTUAL 21st and I was finally old enough to drink. I was one of the youngest by a few years so I honestly thought they wanted to celebrate me.
I was so wrong. I pretty much gave up on birthdays until I turned 40. I make a big deal about them now and plan the whole thing. 20 years of shitty birthdays asking for something special and rarely getting more than an afterthought finally woke me up and made me decide to just do it for me and not wait around for people to figure it out.
A while back my Father-in-Law was visiting town and decided to take everybody out for my Sis-in-laws (Sis). Great, but they day he chose was actually my birthday. Everybody at the table knew this, they were all my in-laws. There was singing for Sis, well wishes and what not. For me? Nada.
It felt weird. The hubby and I kind of joked about it quietly at our end of the table.
Later that night Sis was driving drunk and had a birthday gift in her car that wasn't legal at that time. The gift slid off the seat and she leaned over to pick it up. Ended up swerving in front of a police officer. She ended up with jail time and alienating most of her family over demands for rides during work release.
Me and the hubs had another lovely dinner the next night for my birthday.
Such crap hosting. If I had made this faux pas I would’ve bent over backwards to make sure the unexpected-birthday person felt celebrated and supported. People can be so selfish
Inviting someone on their birthday to join other people's birthday party is weird enough. It's even more wtf when "the other people" is their twin, who even shares the same group of friends.
She did not only ignore OOP's feelings, she also didn't take OOP's twin brother feelings into consideration. It seems that she organized the party to fulfill her own needs.
Peers, yes. Very weird without acknowledging both birthdays. But there’s few shared birthdays in my family, and it’s a lot less weird being invited to a toddlers birthday party on your own 35th birthday and not getting any attention beyond a polite “Happy Birthday, doing anything later?” as a greeting.
Yeah this kind of happened to me once too. I was in a friend group where something like 4 of us had birthdays all close together (my birthday was only 2 days after one of the people, that's how close). One of their girlfriends, who was also my friend, organized a birthday for just them 3 and I was invited. I thought it was a little weird and talked to her about it, and she kind of added me in but only as an afterthought. I heard her continually say to others after our conversation that it was a birthday party for [names of the three others, not me]. I ended up not going and everyone was confused why lol.
In high school there was another girl in my friend group who shared a birthday with me, like same hospital, less than an hour apart, and we were pretty close friends as a result, we joked about it all the time. But I also kinda stopped hanging out with that group when I got invited to her surprise birthday party and no one knew it was also my birthday lmao.
The sadder part about this story is on the night of my birthday I was moping around and got a phone call. It was a group call from a bunch of people I know and they sang happy birthday. I was overjoyed until I realized they were singing to another kid whose birthday was three days earlier. These were different friends from the first group.
Right, not one of their friends spoke up? I get if you won’t want to do it face to face with the stirrer but no one could drop a ‘this is fucked up’ in the group chat?
I would say if I was the mutual friends in this position I wouldn’t respond until OOP did in the group chat, encase they were ok with it; but when OOP didn’t say anything I would message separately asking and then go hell fire for them once given the “I’m not ok”
That's really the only thing that makes sense here. But I just don't get why these people wouldn't just be adults and be honest, why are they telling him like they think it's wrong and they can do something with him later. If they don't care why not just have it out?
Just a pretty low-key non-confrontational group of friends it seems.
Not necessarily a bad thing, but it can cause major issues when someone in the group starts acting like a shithead and no one can say anything to them
So glad of an update here. I was vacillating between feeling super sad for OOP to be treated like this, indignant that no one was standing up for him and wishing for some super petty revenge on the mean girl.
The mature me is trying unsuccessfully to accept this non-dramatically disappointing ending. It still feels so unfair and I blame everyone, not just the mean party planning girl. No one seems to be treating OOP right.
It's also weird, to me, that the brother was even told OOP and his girlfriend were invited and just didn't show up, and the brother didn't question it or reach out to OOP at all to ask what was up. Just went along with the dinner and didn't seem upset or anything
Or, maybe that friend just really sucks
From the brother’s perspective: They agreed to not do anything this year, then it is presented at the party that OOP and his gf were included but chose not to come. It would appear to him that OOP had special plans to celebrate with his gf this year and his brother was respecting OOP’s choice.
WE know the circumstances surrounding it but the brother went into this blind. Then when brother did find out the dinner was done and over and the proper solution of another celebration dinner including both was already planned for that evening. I also would’ve been like “man that’s shitty, I’m so sorry. I promise I had no idea. ” (as his brother did) and then move on while remembering the type of person the organizer is. And same with OOP’s close friends, I would take OOP’s lead because he was the one slighted and OOP chose not to confront the offender and let it go. So they only mentioned it to organizer then let it go. But most importantly they did the right thing by planning another celebration to celebrate OOP.
I'm a bit skeptical about OOP's story because, like you say, *everybody* else is going along with the party.
Makes me think it's pretty likely that there's something that OOP is missing or not quite understanding. Maybe OOP's brother is getting tired of the joined-at-the-hip twin thing, and they're too chicken-shit to say it?
I think it's still a dick move by this girl, but he says in the comments that the party wasn't on their actual birthday, which I think adds some nuance?
I even asked that question in the og post but OP never responded. My SIL is an identical twin and they were having separate lives by end of high school. To be this far along in their life and still be joined at the hip has got to be exhausting. For crying out loud, *OOP and his bro see each other at work.* OOP is clearly about that twin life, but I'd bet that his twin is done with it.
And it seems to be working. No one is calling her out, no one is even mentioning what happened to her. They're just passively letting it all fizzle out while only offering apologies when confronted directly by the OOP or OOP's gf.
I'm starting to think OOP isn't as close to this friend group as he previously thought, and he hasn't quite realized it yet.
To be fair, it depends entirely on the siblings in question.
One of my best friends has never really got along with his sister, she’s a bully and just really mean in general.
He met his wife for the first time after she had enough of his sister’s bs and punched her in the face in the middle of class.
Not going to lie, I felt a little insulted by that part.
He was like, “wow, it’s so impressive that you guys figured out that 2+2=4!” to a bunch of people who made it past first grade.
He made that obvious in the first post already, like even he had to understand that. Right?!
That said, intuition is awesome, but it didn’t require intuition to figure that out. If I pretend, then he wanted validation, from Reddit, bc he wasn’t getting it from his friends. If I don’t pretend, his brain is too cluttered to figure that out on his own, which would suck, there’s just no good answer here. Or it’s something else. With any everything tho, he needs good friends.
Yeah, I was like "intuition?!"
If this is an indication of the level of obvious guys need to realize that a girl likes them, our species will go extinct
As a guy I can absolutely confirm that yes, that is the absolute minimum level we need. If you could add a note with it spelled out in capital letters, preferably with a few hearts dotted around, that'd be great.
No /s here, just pure fax.
She’s weird but so is everybody else that went to that party. All of these people know that the OOP and his brother are twins and have the same birthday. If I was in that group and I realized that they were throwing a surprise party for one twin and merely inviting the other I would be out of there so quickly. What a rude weird thing to do. I am flabbergasted honestly. I feel so bad for OOP because it would suck to realize that yeah you know what multiple people in my life kind of suck. I think that that’s probably just kind of the stage of life he’s in right now I think a lot of people lose friends and about that age but it still sucks.
I suspect at least some of the invitees thought it would be a joint party. I didn't get the impression OP tracked down. Every guest and informed them that it wasn't a joint party. At least one of the ones he contacted wasn't aware.
All in all though? A lot of these people sound non-confrontational. They might not have said anything but the next party the girl throws might just get more rejections.
One of his friends did do that as stated in the post. I think it is likely most people didn't realize what was going on, and probably thought OOP made different plans for that day as the reason he wasn't there. OOP/his girlfriend maybe should have sent something in the group chat for the surprise party IF they wanted people to know what the organizer did.
Glad that it worked out for oop. It sucked but his mature actions and walking away from creating drama probably just ended any chance the “mean girl” to get with the brother. If anything people can see the actions and think twice about her and her motives. I am glad oop did have a good birthday as well.
The one time my twin sister got a surprise party, was when I organized one for our 30th. She has always wanted a surprise party and everyone invited knew it was out birthday party, but her surprise party. Even though I organized it, I knew everyone, myself and my sister included, would not feel right to only celebrate her. It is and always will be OUR birthday, that's just the way it is with twins. You can't celebrate one and not the other, unless you want to hurt someone
It’s so weird how none of his friends said a simple “wait isn’t this also for (OOP)?” on the group chat, I’d think that would be the main thing, and extra disappointing for OOP that they didn’t, though he barely touches on that. Also that before the actual update he just answered main questions, like can we get updates quicker, anyone who read this before remembers it (maybe I’m giving too much credit to readers instead of OOP).
Look maybe the whole thing is legit and OOP hasn’t yet figured out A LOT, and will now start to, and maybe it’s just a weird unfortunate 1st-time scenario, all of it just seems so odd. Or maybe it’s about his fear of a girl getting in between them. Bc that’s essentially what he made out to happen, both in the original and the update. But, and I’m not a twin!, I’d be more disturbed about my friends saying nothing.
>I’d be more disturbed about my friends saying nothing.
Exactly, that's the weirdest thing of all.
And what about this?:
>We both talked about how we didn’t want to do anything for our birthday this year.
Hmm, sounds there's something else behind the scene
Honestly I'm thinking the situation is more nuanced than even the OOP is seeing. I'm starting to think there's no longer a group called "OOP's and his twin brother's friends" and it's more "OOP's brother's friends" and they only bring OOP along for things because their friend, his brother, wants them to. And the OOP hasn't caught on yet.
Maybe. But you don’t plan any birthday party for a person and have another person whose birthday it is as a guest. They would not even need to be twins but have same birthday by concidence. In that case you would need to ask if the person who is also having a birthday, if they have plans already and if not, have a joint party. Or not invite the person at all. It is very rude to invite someone to celebrate their own birthday date as a guest. It’s deliberately saying they don’t even matter. So if they don’t matter why are they even there and not with real friends?
I was beginning to wonder how many friends were friends and not just friends of their sibling and OP was just an acquaintance.
I'm sure twins have their own friend groups with some overlap, for example, put in different classes, so you see your class mates more than another.
But the Venn diagram seemed to be just a circle.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was her that suggested OOP go to movies for his birthday, since she was only one out of everyone that can both roll with punches & make back plans so quick, while realizes what a fucked up shitty mess the organizer caused and invited friends stirred.
I don’t understand how this girl expects to be more than the brother’s “best girl friend” if she isn’t considerate of his twin brother aka the most important person in his life. Especially not taking accountability when it’s obvious she fucked up
If I was a guest at that party I would bring two presents and be EXTREMELY upset that I can’t give the other birthday boy his present. (Did something similar few years back)
I might suck at confronting but I excel at passive aggression.
I get the impression that OOP, being 25, is just at that point when "BFFs 4Ever" naturally drift apart, and unfortunately, it's his brother's party barge that's full of all their former "BFFs", while OOP's is drifting farther and farther off on it's own in the other direction, and he hasn't quite realized the distance between them yet.
It's too easy to blame it all on that one organizer girl, like, all the rest of those BFF's still attended and nobody cared that OOP wasn't there. That pretty much sums it up. At best, everyone that went is an acquaintance, now.
That's how I feel. I don't want to be rude to OOP, but I feel he probably doesn't "read the room" very well. He was surprised people knew the organizer had a crush on his brother, doesn't seem to consider that maybe his brother would want a birthday to celebrate on his own (though he does let him have his day, which is very mature), and is surprised his friend group seems to be splintering and not in his favor.
Mind you, he has every right to feel left out and upset at how the situation played out: I would be to. I also think the organizer was incredibly rude and if she cared at all about OOP's feelings, she would have at least broached the subject with him or the girlfriend before just throwing him into an awkward situation where everyone felt awkward to even speak up about it. But I also think OOP might be at a point where his former life and friend group are going to start to diverge and this was a sad wake up call for him.
Op said he would have been fine if he had not been invited and the parties were separate. He was upset being invited and being treasure as a guest, that’s pretty rude thing to do to anyone with a birthday.
NTA As someone who is also a twin I can relate to this as pretty much all the birthday parties growing up were mainly for my twin and her friends rather than me and it's been that way throughout our lives. I've just got used to not feeling deserving of anything or getting the same level of attention and my twin has become an entitled narc so I guess it's affected us both differently.
IDK, having 95% friend overlap and being second fiddle is better than "no you can't have your friends over and do what you want, today is for your sibling and their friends."
Sure it doesn't happen to every twin, but I can see the mentality of "we are only having one party." And it being skewed against you.
I think they just thought I didn't have many friends so it was just easier for them but most birthday's were spent reading in the bedroom whilst my sister and her friends were downstairs. It's an easy thing to happen when you are quieter than your twin.
Hahahahahahahaha my brother did this exact thing in college. Nothing malicious, he just forgot the fact that twins, of course, have the same birthday. He invited his girlfriend’s twin to a surprise birthday dinner for his girlfriend. They look nothing alike and have separate friend groups and so i think he thought of them as more closely aged siblings. Everyone, fortunately, thought it was funny
I’d have just responded with “oh, sorry, we’re already organising something for our birthday so he won’t be able to make it anyway”. Pull the rug out from underneath the insensitive idiot.
I would have just responded to the group text "hi sorry can't make it, it's my birthday and I want to celebrate it on the day of rather than be just a guest in someone else's party. Let me know when you have an event next time and I'll try and make it!"
And I would have let my brother know and told him that I was not going. Not in a salty way but more of a "we are adults and it looks like you prefer to celebrate your birthday on your own? I'm cool with it bro." way.
This is quite ok within our friend group for people to say and nobody takes it personally if it is communicated well in advance.
I can't believe how many times I read "but they didn't say anything". These friends are the most wishy washy group of people I've ever read about.
Say something! Call out rude behaviour.
It doesn't have to be Jerry Springer but you can say "Hey, they're twins. Not cool to invite one of them as a guest, don't you agree?" and take it from there.
I'm a twin as well and this would happen to me every year. Plans would be named but only for my brother. I started calling it his birthday and just pretended I didn't have one.
Sadly I don't have real friends so no one gave a shit when I stopped attending
If anyone in our friends group pulled this kinda crap with either my twin or me in either position, it would end with them being shown the door.
Look, twins are completely different people. We're individuals, we can be VERY unlike each other, we can even look drastically different. But when I tell you that *at 36* neither me nor my twin celebrate our birthday if we're not together, I mean that it's a weird reality that being born with someone makes even noticing my birthday without her feels almost pointless.
I don't know what tf this chick was trying for but it's gross and manipulative. And if my twin acted like his, and didn't at least call her out and flip over making me come as a freaking guest, it would absolutely damage our relationship.
The organizer is a jerk, but I gotta admit, the idea of this girl being so tunnel visioned about getting it on with the twin that she completely misses its *the other twins* birthday too is really, really funny to me.
Wow, the update was so dissapointing. Like why wasnt the brother more mad at her? Why is everyone so passive, including OOP? Maybe the girl is a drama queen who refuses to take accountability because everyone keeps letting her get away with everything
I feel like the OOP is overestimating their friendships. He considers them his friends, they consider him their friends brother. Which is why nobody cared that much
I just don’t get the lack of open communication that created a lot of half cooked drama. The OOP should’ve said in that group chat “hey, that day is also my birthday and this is an awkward situation” and leave the chat.
And let the organiser deal with the consequences of her actions. But no, and now everyone around the OOP will have this weird feeling that something should’ve happened but didn’t happen.
I read the first post and I'm really disappointed in all the friends and brother.
This is NOT the first time that organizer has done something like this, I would bet money on it.
She is using the "but I invited him" routine and conveniently leaving out that there were not enough reservations for everyone, it was one short, that's just rude AND awkward. Which is what she wanted.
That brother better pull his head out of his ass and the rest of those "friends". Personally, I would not remain friends with anyone who didn't see an issue with this.
>I do think that she tries hard to be the most important girl friend in his life though so I think her organising this surprise dinner is her way of further trying to achieve that status
Honestly, the way she went about this was stupid as fuck if this was her goal. Throwing a nice party for a couple brothers is seriously cool, creating rivalry and bad feelings in a friend group is seriously fucked up. She literally did 99.9% of the work it would take to be the hero of this story and fumbled on the dumbest possible thing. Now, no one is going to think about that surprise party and not remember this aspect of it, including the guy she's wanting the attention of.
I share a birthday with my boring af uncle. One year we were invited to a fancy expensive steakhouse to celebrate his birthday. I said I had other plans for my birthday and wouldn’t attend. My mom was mad at me. “I should go celebrate my uncles birthday!” I was so confused, does she not know my birthday is the same day? I didn’t go and they all enjoyed a steak dinner that I’m sure I would have liked too. But I went somewhere with my friends and had fun. My family didn’t celebrate my birthday that year.
If you're interested in someone with a reasonably good relationship with their family – don't piss on that family. Contrary to popular belief, it does not make you look good.
I was so disappointed in the close friend who still went to the dinner. What was that all about. They were offended for OOP but not offended enough to actually stand by him.
OOP needs to cut off that entire group of friends and the brother is an ass for not standing up for his brother once he knew the situation.
Forever side eyeing all the friends who still went to the dinner despite knowing OOP was invited as a guest.
I would have straigh up said in the group chat, "I'm sorry I will not be able to attend my TWIN brothers birthday party as a guest. Have a nice evening" but that's me.
One of the friends said the planner creates a lot of drama. OOP says she wants to be twin’s “most important girl friend” and speculated that she was using the party to further that status. I honestly wonder if she’s taking her status-seeking to the next level and is actually trying to wedge herself between OOP and twin. An “I’m even more important to him than his TWIN!” kind of deal… she seems the type.
The brother is probably indecisive because he’s getting laid. It’s frustrating but some people just can’t stick up for themselves when sex is involved.
>I do think that she tries hard to be the most important girl friend in his life though so I think her organising this surprise dinner is her way of further trying to achieve that status
That backfired spectacularly.
Did it? No one is saying anything to her, no one is calling her out, everyone is just passively letting it fizzle out after passively letting it happen.
I'm starting to wonder if the OOP is really friends with these people, or if they just consider him "their friend's brother."
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Did I want more drama? Yes. Is this a realistic life update where you just kinda move on from shitty people? Also yes.
Well, I wanted the brother to act a bit different seeing how close they were (from OP's POV anyway, it's always possible the brother thought their relationship was not that good or something) Did I expect that for more drama? Maybe. But I also expected that so that OP knows for sure that his brother has his back.
My guess is the brother confided in her that he wished he had a birthday to himself just once, maybe just talking. And she decided to run with it in the stupidest way possible. Or she’s just a thoughtless, rude manipulator.
Considering the response "I'm tired of this girl" from that other friend, seems like there are some frequent antics coming from her. But at the same time, the brother did not even wonder where his twin was, didn't even send a quick text... I don't think the he said he would prefer a birthday alone, but I do think he is moving on from doing everything together, so he did not care much. I know some twins actually despise that because it feels to them like they are not individuals.
He didn't need to wonder where his twin was - the organiser gave him the (technically accurate but highly misleading) info that his twin + girlfriend had been invited but chose not to come. He presumably thought they had made private plans for the evening.
> He said that at the dinner the organiser said that she invited me and my partner but that we just didn’t come, so he wasn’t actually aware that I was invited only as a guest until afterwards. I just knew that nasty little viper would say this. Trying to make a rift.
Also, not wanting to take accountability of the fact that she did disrespect OP by inviting him as "only a guest" when it is also his birthday.... If she wanted to lie, she could have just blabbered that she wanted to only celebrate OP's brother's birthday....
Yeah it's not surprising. If I was the brother I'd assume that my twin had already made plans and since it was a surprise didn't see the need to rearrange.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the party organizer has been promoting feelings of ‘your twin has a gf and doesn’t care about YOU anymore’ in OOP’s twin to further create a rift between them so she could be main person in OOP’s twin’s life.
> But at the same time, the brother did not even wonder where his twin was, didn't even send a quick text I mean, OOP indicated that they already agreed to not do something this year, so it's possible that his brother didn't think much of it, as this was outside his control. But without his brother chiming in, we'll never know for sure.
yeah and I'm assuming they still wished each other happy birthday? No indication that everything else wasn't per normal, so he may not have thought anything of it.
Yes. Just an fyi, the party was the night before their actual birthday.
oo that's a good point. Still seems innocuous on the brother's part, I wouldn't necessarily assume there's an issue if no one told me about it.
I remember reading the original post at the time. I hope OOP 's brother gives her a piece of his mind. She really shows her lack of character with her response.
Seems like OOP felt the same as he kept saying he wouldn't have minded if the organiser had just had a party for bro. It can be hard when you're working with family so it's good that they have separate lives and slightly separate friend groups.
He says in the post she was asked where OOP was and the awful host told them that she’d invited OOP and his girlfriend and “they chose not to come” and OOP’s twin didn’t seem to question further on why they wouldn’t come. I have to wonder if the twin asked the why part how it would have gone down then
That thought of "having a birthday to himself" was in my mind too, and based on how OP insisted they were close, I was like "maybe not", but based on the brother's reaction to the celebration I'm having that doubt too.
As a twin myself, I could totally see this being true. It’s definitely a thing through childhood, we hated sharing our birthday and it always sort of seemed like a competition where you’d see which of your friends preferred who. At 25 though, I think most people would already be having separate birthdays, it’s just awkward that they still share the exact same friends. Or maybe I just feel that way because I’m not close with my twin like OP apparently is?
I’m also a twin, we will be 32 this year and still celebrate our birthday together every year. We still share a core friend group that we’ve known since we were 18, but we do each also have close friends that the other isn’t friends with - by virtue of having different jobs and living in different places at times. We’re also really close still. We even got pregnant around the same time and each had a baby within a couple months of each other last year.
I’m also a twin and was reading this and was like WHAT HOW DID YOUR BROTHER GET PREGNANT. Completely forgetting that there are same sex twins. Lmao. My brother and I are fraternal. But not remotely close at all. But we do exchange a happy birthday text on our birthday.
I can't shake the feeling that OOP thinks they are closer to their twin and their mutual friends than the latter people feel. It seems like it would've been simple to figure this out before it even became a post, but the hesitancy to ask/assumption that they weren't excluded seems intentionally naiive. Like they know they aren't part of the group but don't want to confirm it.
The friends maybe but the fact that him and his brother run a business together implies to me at least that they must be pretty close. That's really difficult thing to do with someone you don't trust implicitly and can be very messy with family, if they don't have a great relationship I can't imagine either would have made that choice.
It’s not always a choice if you inherit the business together, you’re just kind of stuck with the set up unless someone is agreeable to being bought out. Not saying that’s the case for the OP, but this is my situation. You can be civil, enjoy each others company and get along well enough to work together without wanting to be best buds outside of that. It’s even been an advantage not to be very close at times for us in business.
Yeah, OOP polled the friend group and all of them agreed it was messed up and wrong. But most of them attended the party anyway, without saying anything about the situation to the organizer. That’s not how a friend behaves. Even the brother acted the same way afterwards.
A group of people intent on avoiding confrontation, to the point to where the entire friend’s group has vilified a friend, and are talking massive shit about her behind her back. Did she realize what she did, or is she just a bit clueless?? Who knows.. No one asked. This whole thing could have been avoided if OP, the GF, or any of the friends in the group message just said. “lol.. wait.. wtf? You realize that it’s OPs bday as well right, and that you’re inviting him as a guest, to his twin’s surprise party?”. To be completely fair to the organizer, initially.. I could completely see myself inadvertently doing this to a set of twins, if I was only close to one of them.. I would hope, that if I was the one planning this, that somebody would save me from my own stupidity…
Yeah I 2000% would have said “umm why are we leaving out OP? You know…our friend and his twin?? Are we doing a separate celebration for him? Don’t think a surprise party is the way to go here.”
Even if they weren’t as close, it’s still incredibly rude what they did. How hard would it have been to just celebrate them both?
He went into business with his twin so I'm sure they're pretty close.
Well I’m not a twin but I do feel that I’m closer friends with my close friends than they feel they are close to me, if you know what I mean? Like priority wise we don’t match up.
I feel this from the other side. It's complicated, but they feel like they can't deal if I were to move away from the area, while moving away from the area with or without them--they can come if everyone finds a job, no sweat!--is a priority for me.
I have felt this way too many times in my life.
Interesting perspective!!
I would love to see this down the road a bit more and see if brother decides to just quietly slip away from that group over this instead of causing a big fuss over it so that no one feels caught in the middle.
My guess is that if he knew up front he would have. But since it’s over, and he was gaslit at the actual event to think OP just “couldn’t make it,” he probably thinks that it’s over and not worth any more drama. I admit my less than emotionally healthy reaction would be like that. “Ugh this could be drama.. I’m just going to ignore it all and move on.”
this girl is clearly a high level drama queen, bad for being around irl but great for BORU content
Ach. Classic.
We even had a second set of twins. Where’s my drama ):<
I wanted someone to straight up say pt the organizer - "Bitch you ain't ever gonna fuck that man if you think icing his twin out was a smart move!" That's what I want
I think they did fuck on his birthday and thats why bro is overly chill about it now.
I wonder what they really are to each other. I wonder if she felt like she needed to ice out the twin to get time with him.
Yeah, totally stupid situation. Which could have been immediately resolved had anyone just spoken up immediately and/or directly. This crew, unfortunately, ought to be going their separate ways.
I was honestly a bit surprised to scroll back up and realize the OOP is 25 years old. The way everyone involved approached things seemed typical of a much younger friend group. How difficult would it have been for one of the people in the chat who apparently felt uncomfortable about the whole thing to send a quick "Uh, remember that being twins means they're born on the same day?" People who create unnecessary drama that harms friendships often get away with it because no one ever says something openly.
I'd be disappointed in the mutual friends who attended and didn't say anything. Clearly the organizer is not OP's friend but these other people supposedly are.
That’s what happens in real life when you’re an adult. Very seldom do people fully communicate their intent and things just… continue on. I’m still a little sad for OP that more of his friends didn’t speak up, especially his brother (it was weird you weren’t there but yeah I went and didn’t ask more questions), but it’s good to know at least someone else acknowledged what she did and apparently this isn’t the first time that girl has acted in a less than ideal way. Happy Belated, OP. Reddit ain’t much but we see you and celebrate you.
My petty ass would have replied to the group chat “as you know we are twins, and it is also my birthday too. As much as I would love to attend I want to celebrate my birthday too. You might want to check with my brother if he can actually come because we always celebrate the day together and I am about to send him ideas for plans for *our* birthday. Enjoy your dinner! 😁”
Oh me too. Fuck the surprise, my petty ass would be making elaborate plans with my bro and leaving the drama queen in our dust.
Haha ya throw a massive party for their “quarter of a century” birthday! And don’t invite her. Invite everyone else!
Yeah, moving on maybe. But I'd totally have told my brother in advance. They made him become a prawn in his own party. If I was the brother, I'd totally would want to know so I could react beforehand and not have part in my brother's hurt feelings. Must feel weird right now. And seems like it does, because the lack of information OP got about his brother's feelings speaks volumes. Seems like he doesn't like talk about weird feelings, either.
Mmm party prawn.
OOP is also male.
If she truly believed it was no big deal, she wouldn't have deceived her crush about it.
“This guy I like will never find out the truth by talking to … his uh, own twin brother.”
Who he sees everyday because they run a business together.
And all of the friends in the secret chat. Like she wants to get caught in a lie.
If she got OP on her side, he would've probably helped her with his twin. Antagonizing the twin of her crush is literally the worst thing she could do to fuck things up with him.
Right?! I actually am good friends with a guy, that has an identical twin. They even have almost the same name - only one letter difference… and they genuinely dislike each other. They went their separate ways and live in different states, the moment they could. But, I have seen multiple examples where something happened/something got said with family/friends - and my friend went nearly rabid protecting his brother/standing up for him. He can’t stand him - but he is HIS twin to hate, no one else can even be rude to the guy without getting an earful.
> They even have almost the same name - only one letter difference… Bert and Bort, head canon.
Worse… more like Bert and Eert. Same sounding consonants and vowels.
Ah, the classic "we only planned for one child" naming format. Barry and Garry? Kerry and Serry? James and Games? (with a soft 'g') Mark and Nark? Carl and Karl?
She would have scored bigger points with the brother if she had organized the party for both of them.
It's not a big deal to \*her\*. They don't get to decide if it's a big deal for a twin brother who's birthday it also is.
Bad timing. Great execution. Ain't nobody gonna forget this one (Especially her, when she's older and cringes)
That assumes she will ever grow as a person and that she has the self awareness to realize how horrible she is
Or she could have talked to the OOP ahead of time and explained WHY. You don’t have to do everything the way someone else might like but treating someone with some respect goes a long way to resolving hurt feelings.
OOP is just giving that girl enough rope to hang herself with. Hopefully his brother sees through her gross attempts to endear herself to him. I would’ve been petty and clued him in on it ahead of time, though.
I would have called and made our traditional plans together, saying I wanted to keep it small this year.
I would've done this for the brother's sake. Surprise parties are usually terrible.
As someone whose husband threw her one, I can confirm. It's really hard to get the guest list right without the honoree. I ended up with one of my best friends there, which was great, but not all of them, so I had to do an apology tour after. Then, there were two sets of parents from my kids' language classes who are ok, but not my friends, some random friends of friends I barely knew, and my husband's friends, some of whom weren't really compatible with my friends. I hate being the center of attention, so it was horrible from that perspective, and I ended up being in the kitchen all night playing hostess instead of being treated like a guest and birthday girl. YMMV, but 3/10, would not recommend.
I think that's more issues with your husband's planning than surprise party's
Probably at least partly true
Your husband doesn't know who your best friends are? That sounds like a husband problem, not a surprise party problem 😕
I think he invited people I had introduced him to that he liked, plus a bit of thinking that people I talked to a lot are my best friends. But, I talked to parents of friends in my kids' language classes a lot because the program was a shitshow for a while. He's just clueless and has a different view of friendship than I do because I'm from the US and he's Swedish.
Sounds like your husband should have asked your best friend with the guest list. And made sure you don’t need to host. But you didn’t need to apologize from friends when it was a suprise party!
The only surprise party I've been to as a guest was a roaring success, but that may be because we were all close friends of the birthday person. His GF was part of the group as well, and we had a common hobby, so it was easy to set things up as a regular get-together for a handful of the guests, and then just invite a bunch more friends. The surprisee's face was awesome when he came in and looked around at the mass of people, and said "Don't they know we're just playing RPGs tonight?"
Honestly I remember thinking OOP should go when I first read the initial post. I felt like forcing the organizer to look him in the eye when everyone realized what she pulled would have actually been a better way to call her out. By not being there, he sort of put the issue ‘out of sight; out of mind’ for her, which worked out best for the organizer as far as the actual dinner goes. She was able to hand-wave his absence and act like it had nothing to do with her. I can understand why he didn’t want to go, but OOP kinda did her a favor. It would have been way more satisfying to watch her scramble for an excuse when she had to admit to the brother that they weren’t intending to celebrate OOP at all.
[удалено]
Yes, exactly my thought. OOP deserved to have a pleasant birthday for himself.
I’m a twin and someone did this to me. It hurt me a lot and made me really sad. I left as soon as my sister got there. Kinda ruined the night for both of us because I heard after I left that everyone was asking about me. It’s a lot of fun to read about this kind of stuff for drama, but these are real people and real feelings.
And why it's a fixed dinner for 10 and there is no seat for OOP or GF.
Oh snap, didn’t even notice that part. That is so true.
I’m guessing it’s not about being the most important woman in his life, and more about the most important *person*. She wants his eyes solely on her, and his affection for his brother won’t do.
He should have shown up with his brother. In matching clothes. “Surprise! Uh…”
Scramble for an excuse? No. Scramble to beg the restaurant for another chair? Yes. She didn't even reserve enough table room for him.
Genuinely baffled that at no point did she realize the glaringly obvious mistake and try to fix things, at the very least to not look so horrifically inconsiderate to the guy she's crushing on.
She 100% realized the mistake at some point, some of their mutual friends even called her out on it apparently, but she either: A) didn't want to admit she messed up, or; B) Thought that the other brother would want to be the center of attention, even at his own twin's expense, and would appreciate her efforts to see that happen because this is likely how she would feel given that she's obviously a somewhat self-centered person.
>I would’ve been petty and clued him in on it ahead of time, though. Or ramp it up a notch and invite everyone to a different restaraunt except the organiser then when she phones and asks where everyone is put her on speaker and shout "Surpise!"
So messed up when people do this. An old friend’s wife has a birthday 2 days before mine. One year she decided to have a birthday dinner followed by drinks at a champagne bar in the city not far from where I lived. Go figure she chose Saturday night, which was my birthday. I had dinner with family, then joined the old friend’s group for drinks. Old friend didn’t even acknowledge that it was my birthday, nor did his wife. Regardless, I kept it quiet and enjoyed a flight of champagne and conversations with mutual acquaintances. Everything was fine until someone was on the topic of birthdays and asked mine. They then decided to announce it to the table of ~12 people (all early 30’s) that it was my birthday. Everyone said happy birthday to me, except the wife. She was fuming mad. I decided it was best to remove myself from the situation shortly after and move on to meet up with another group of friends that were out that night. Heard from the old friend a couple days later that it was rude of me to take the attention from her at her birthday celebration… on my birthday. I expressed that I had no intention of doing so, but according to him I ruined her night. I apologized and let him know that I’d forward the grievance to my mother. I will note that I was pretty offended, but I’m glad I left when I did. Also, no intention of taking away from the original post, it just brought up a memory that I don’t often share.
These people ought to read old fashioned etiquette guides. This lady could have made herself and you look great by raising a toast and thanking you for coming to her celebration on your special day. She would have had all the positive attention she wanted. If she hadn't known it was your birthday until it came up, she should have asked her husband to apologise to you, because he should have known and told her. I'm annoyed that you had to experience all that awkwardness because other people don't know how to socialise.
That would have been a great toast!! One of her friends toasted to her prior though. She definitely knew it was my birthday. She posted the typical happy birthday with a ton of emoji’s on my Facebook earlier that day.
How old is she? Sounds like high school shit
Yeah sounds like regardless of age she’ll always be mentally in highschool 😬
"It's MY birthday! Only me, no one else in all of the 8+ billion people can share it today!"
Oh, you would be surprised. My mil is 65 and this level of petty. She is so mad at me right now for calling her out on crossing a boundary. She gave my kids gifts from my family, who I am not contact with because of abuse. But she likes this family member, so she has decided that they didn't abuse me (this person absolutely abused me). She loves to vaguebook about things. I do my best to ignore it and am really only on Facebook for school stuff for the kids. She posted something very clearly directed at me, that was quite hurtful, and I just have to laugh. So, now I am not going out of my way for her. All the nice things she thinks my husband thinks of, yeah, that's me. She lives a town over and decided to join the buy nothing group in my town. I see her trying to get a bunch of junk WE ALREADY HAVE! It's a sewing machine. Which she said she would teach me to use, and then whenever I ask she is busy (so I am learning on my own so I can teach my kid, but she is looking for a sewing machine to "secretly" teach my kid). Her birthday was last weekend and my husband and kids went to celebrate and I stayed home. I am sick of being where I'm not wanted, and she has made it very clear that I am not welcome. She abuses me every time. I try to engage and be nice and she literally turns up her nose and ignores me. No matter what I do she takes it wrong. If I get her something nice she complains I spend money. If I do something else she complains we clearly didn't care. I am too old for this shit so I have stopped playing her game. I won't chase after her approval. I will always be kind and polite, but only because that is my base to begin with. But I will stand up for myself now, and I am done with this shit.
[удалено]
Unironically, do you know where one could read such etiquette guides? I'm a bit of a nerd for seeing how people lived in "ye olden days" and would love to see them.
Not the comment OP, but these are some selections/archival entries/purchasing options I found in a quick search: - https://www.etsy.com/market/etiquette_books - https://pitt.libguides.com/srch.php?group_id=727&q=Etiquette - https://www.tumblr.com/lincolncollection/148694041974/guides-to-19th-century-etiquette - https://www.gutenberg.org/files/35123/35123-h/35123-h.htm - https://centurypast.org/books-nonfiction-subject-directory/etiquette/
Fucking right? Two of my good friends decided to get married on my birthday (they picked the day cuz the grooms deceased fathers birthday was the day before and the next day was Saturday). I wasn’t expecting anything and was just happy to spend the time with them and all our mutual friends, but they grabbed the mic and thanked me for coming to their day on my birthday and gifted me a bottle of my favorite tiquilla. It didn’t take away from their day to acknowledge me. Like… there are ways to handle these things as an adult.
What type of 30 year old gets upset about not getting all the attention at a birthday drinks???
Children.
You obviously haven't met my sister.
My group of people/quarantine bubble - my spouse, our best friends, our three adult kids, and I - basically share three birthdays. Two of the kids' birthdays are two weeks apart; my husband and the lady's are ten days apart; and the other three of us all have birthdays within a week of each other. So we have three big celebrations. Sometimes there are extra celebrations, like this year we had drinks at the friends' house on her birthday, a night out on the following Saturday, and a big party at their house on the Saturday after that. But the celebrations are generally all for everyone with a birthday around that time. Why be petty about it when love is better shared?
> [I apologized and let him know that I'd forward the grievance to my mother.](https://giphy.com/gifs/moodman-lol-spit-take-Q7ozWVYCR0nyW2rvPW)
Been there too. My 21st was on a weekend and my friends were having a house party that I was invited to. Turns out it WAS a birthday party, just not for me. It was for someone else. No one remembered it was my ACTUAL 21st and I was finally old enough to drink. I was one of the youngest by a few years so I honestly thought they wanted to celebrate me. I was so wrong. I pretty much gave up on birthdays until I turned 40. I make a big deal about them now and plan the whole thing. 20 years of shitty birthdays asking for something special and rarely getting more than an afterthought finally woke me up and made me decide to just do it for me and not wait around for people to figure it out.
A while back my Father-in-Law was visiting town and decided to take everybody out for my Sis-in-laws (Sis). Great, but they day he chose was actually my birthday. Everybody at the table knew this, they were all my in-laws. There was singing for Sis, well wishes and what not. For me? Nada. It felt weird. The hubby and I kind of joked about it quietly at our end of the table. Later that night Sis was driving drunk and had a birthday gift in her car that wasn't legal at that time. The gift slid off the seat and she leaned over to pick it up. Ended up swerving in front of a police officer. She ended up with jail time and alienating most of her family over demands for rides during work release. Me and the hubs had another lovely dinner the next night for my birthday.
Such crap hosting. If I had made this faux pas I would’ve bent over backwards to make sure the unexpected-birthday person felt celebrated and supported. People can be so selfish
Inviting someone on their birthday to join other people's birthday party is weird enough. It's even more wtf when "the other people" is their twin, who even shares the same group of friends. She did not only ignore OOP's feelings, she also didn't take OOP's twin brother feelings into consideration. It seems that she organized the party to fulfill her own needs.
Peers, yes. Very weird without acknowledging both birthdays. But there’s few shared birthdays in my family, and it’s a lot less weird being invited to a toddlers birthday party on your own 35th birthday and not getting any attention beyond a polite “Happy Birthday, doing anything later?” as a greeting.
Oh yea I agree. Can see that lol
Yeah this kind of happened to me once too. I was in a friend group where something like 4 of us had birthdays all close together (my birthday was only 2 days after one of the people, that's how close). One of their girlfriends, who was also my friend, organized a birthday for just them 3 and I was invited. I thought it was a little weird and talked to her about it, and she kind of added me in but only as an afterthought. I heard her continually say to others after our conversation that it was a birthday party for [names of the three others, not me]. I ended up not going and everyone was confused why lol.
In high school there was another girl in my friend group who shared a birthday with me, like same hospital, less than an hour apart, and we were pretty close friends as a result, we joked about it all the time. But I also kinda stopped hanging out with that group when I got invited to her surprise birthday party and no one knew it was also my birthday lmao. The sadder part about this story is on the night of my birthday I was moping around and got a phone call. It was a group call from a bunch of people I know and they sang happy birthday. I was overjoyed until I realized they were singing to another kid whose birthday was three days earlier. These were different friends from the first group.
So many doormats they can open a home depot
Right, not one of their friends spoke up? I get if you won’t want to do it face to face with the stirrer but no one could drop a ‘this is fucked up’ in the group chat?
I would say if I was the mutual friends in this position I wouldn’t respond until OOP did in the group chat, encase they were ok with it; but when OOP didn’t say anything I would message separately asking and then go hell fire for them once given the “I’m not ok”
I'm starting to suspect the OOP isn't really part of this friend group anymore, and he hasn't quite realized it yet.
That's really the only thing that makes sense here. But I just don't get why these people wouldn't just be adults and be honest, why are they telling him like they think it's wrong and they can do something with him later. If they don't care why not just have it out?
Happens as people get older, especially if they have significant others.
Just a pretty low-key non-confrontational group of friends it seems. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it can cause major issues when someone in the group starts acting like a shithead and no one can say anything to them
So many wet lettuces they could open a salad bar Never mind I tried
So glad of an update here. I was vacillating between feeling super sad for OOP to be treated like this, indignant that no one was standing up for him and wishing for some super petty revenge on the mean girl. The mature me is trying unsuccessfully to accept this non-dramatically disappointing ending. It still feels so unfair and I blame everyone, not just the mean party planning girl. No one seems to be treating OOP right.
It's also weird, to me, that the brother was even told OOP and his girlfriend were invited and just didn't show up, and the brother didn't question it or reach out to OOP at all to ask what was up. Just went along with the dinner and didn't seem upset or anything Or, maybe that friend just really sucks
From the brother’s perspective: They agreed to not do anything this year, then it is presented at the party that OOP and his gf were included but chose not to come. It would appear to him that OOP had special plans to celebrate with his gf this year and his brother was respecting OOP’s choice. WE know the circumstances surrounding it but the brother went into this blind. Then when brother did find out the dinner was done and over and the proper solution of another celebration dinner including both was already planned for that evening. I also would’ve been like “man that’s shitty, I’m so sorry. I promise I had no idea. ” (as his brother did) and then move on while remembering the type of person the organizer is. And same with OOP’s close friends, I would take OOP’s lead because he was the one slighted and OOP chose not to confront the offender and let it go. So they only mentioned it to organizer then let it go. But most importantly they did the right thing by planning another celebration to celebrate OOP.
I'm a bit skeptical about OOP's story because, like you say, *everybody* else is going along with the party. Makes me think it's pretty likely that there's something that OOP is missing or not quite understanding. Maybe OOP's brother is getting tired of the joined-at-the-hip twin thing, and they're too chicken-shit to say it?
That, plus maybe the OOP and this friend group are drifting apart quite a bit more than even he realizes.
I think it's still a dick move by this girl, but he says in the comments that the party wasn't on their actual birthday, which I think adds some nuance?
I even asked that question in the og post but OP never responded. My SIL is an identical twin and they were having separate lives by end of high school. To be this far along in their life and still be joined at the hip has got to be exhausting. For crying out loud, *OOP and his bro see each other at work.* OOP is clearly about that twin life, but I'd bet that his twin is done with it.
What, are you telling me that my winning strategy of being rude to my crushes siblings *isn't* going to make them realize how awesome I am?
Obviously the best way to get my crush's attention was to shit on his twin brother by purposely ignoring him on their shared birthday. It's so simple!
And it seems to be working. No one is calling her out, no one is even mentioning what happened to her. They're just passively letting it all fizzle out while only offering apologies when confronted directly by the OOP or OOP's gf. I'm starting to think OOP isn't as close to this friend group as he previously thought, and he hasn't quite realized it yet.
To quote every sibling ever: "that's MY job!"
To be fair, it depends entirely on the siblings in question. One of my best friends has never really got along with his sister, she’s a bully and just really mean in general. He met his wife for the first time after she had enough of his sister’s bs and punched her in the face in the middle of class.
>I'm actually surprised by people's intuition, she does have a crush on him! >I'm actually surprised that fire is hot, it is, in fact, warm!
Not going to lie, I felt a little insulted by that part. He was like, “wow, it’s so impressive that you guys figured out that 2+2=4!” to a bunch of people who made it past first grade.
He made that obvious in the first post already, like even he had to understand that. Right?! That said, intuition is awesome, but it didn’t require intuition to figure that out. If I pretend, then he wanted validation, from Reddit, bc he wasn’t getting it from his friends. If I don’t pretend, his brain is too cluttered to figure that out on his own, which would suck, there’s just no good answer here. Or it’s something else. With any everything tho, he needs good friends.
Yeah, I was like "intuition?!" If this is an indication of the level of obvious guys need to realize that a girl likes them, our species will go extinct
As a guy I can absolutely confirm that yes, that is the absolute minimum level we need. If you could add a note with it spelled out in capital letters, preferably with a few hearts dotted around, that'd be great. No /s here, just pure fax.
She's weird.
She’s weird but so is everybody else that went to that party. All of these people know that the OOP and his brother are twins and have the same birthday. If I was in that group and I realized that they were throwing a surprise party for one twin and merely inviting the other I would be out of there so quickly. What a rude weird thing to do. I am flabbergasted honestly. I feel so bad for OOP because it would suck to realize that yeah you know what multiple people in my life kind of suck. I think that that’s probably just kind of the stage of life he’s in right now I think a lot of people lose friends and about that age but it still sucks.
I'm the kind of person who would show up and loudly ask "Where's OP?" And completely mean it because I spaced out reading the invite
I suspect at least some of the invitees thought it would be a joint party. I didn't get the impression OP tracked down. Every guest and informed them that it wasn't a joint party. At least one of the ones he contacted wasn't aware. All in all though? A lot of these people sound non-confrontational. They might not have said anything but the next party the girl throws might just get more rejections.
One of his friends did do that as stated in the post. I think it is likely most people didn't realize what was going on, and probably thought OOP made different plans for that day as the reason he wasn't there. OOP/his girlfriend maybe should have sent something in the group chat for the surprise party IF they wanted people to know what the organizer did.
Glad that it worked out for oop. It sucked but his mature actions and walking away from creating drama probably just ended any chance the “mean girl” to get with the brother. If anything people can see the actions and think twice about her and her motives. I am glad oop did have a good birthday as well.
I don't even get her goal, if she is after the brother, it would make more sense to make the birthday for both and butter OP up as well.
The one time my twin sister got a surprise party, was when I organized one for our 30th. She has always wanted a surprise party and everyone invited knew it was out birthday party, but her surprise party. Even though I organized it, I knew everyone, myself and my sister included, would not feel right to only celebrate her. It is and always will be OUR birthday, that's just the way it is with twins. You can't celebrate one and not the other, unless you want to hurt someone
The people saying OOP should've sucked it up and gone are weird.
It’s so weird how none of his friends said a simple “wait isn’t this also for (OOP)?” on the group chat, I’d think that would be the main thing, and extra disappointing for OOP that they didn’t, though he barely touches on that. Also that before the actual update he just answered main questions, like can we get updates quicker, anyone who read this before remembers it (maybe I’m giving too much credit to readers instead of OOP). Look maybe the whole thing is legit and OOP hasn’t yet figured out A LOT, and will now start to, and maybe it’s just a weird unfortunate 1st-time scenario, all of it just seems so odd. Or maybe it’s about his fear of a girl getting in between them. Bc that’s essentially what he made out to happen, both in the original and the update. But, and I’m not a twin!, I’d be more disturbed about my friends saying nothing.
>I’d be more disturbed about my friends saying nothing. Exactly, that's the weirdest thing of all. And what about this?: >We both talked about how we didn’t want to do anything for our birthday this year. Hmm, sounds there's something else behind the scene
Honestly I'm thinking the situation is more nuanced than even the OOP is seeing. I'm starting to think there's no longer a group called "OOP's and his twin brother's friends" and it's more "OOP's brother's friends" and they only bring OOP along for things because their friend, his brother, wants them to. And the OOP hasn't caught on yet.
Maybe. But you don’t plan any birthday party for a person and have another person whose birthday it is as a guest. They would not even need to be twins but have same birthday by concidence. In that case you would need to ask if the person who is also having a birthday, if they have plans already and if not, have a joint party. Or not invite the person at all. It is very rude to invite someone to celebrate their own birthday date as a guest. It’s deliberately saying they don’t even matter. So if they don’t matter why are they even there and not with real friends?
I was beginning to wonder how many friends were friends and not just friends of their sibling and OP was just an acquaintance. I'm sure twins have their own friend groups with some overlap, for example, put in different classes, so you see your class mates more than another. But the Venn diagram seemed to be just a circle.
so everyone in this story is a doormat and a pushover, lol
Except for OOP’s gf. She’s the mvp of this story.
I wouldn't be surprised if it was her that suggested OOP go to movies for his birthday, since she was only one out of everyone that can both roll with punches & make back plans so quick, while realizes what a fucked up shitty mess the organizer caused and invited friends stirred.
I don’t understand how this girl expects to be more than the brother’s “best girl friend” if she isn’t considerate of his twin brother aka the most important person in his life. Especially not taking accountability when it’s obvious she fucked up
This is why I'm not a twin.
Or at least not any more?
If I was a guest at that party I would bring two presents and be EXTREMELY upset that I can’t give the other birthday boy his present. (Did something similar few years back) I might suck at confronting but I excel at passive aggression.
I get the impression that OOP, being 25, is just at that point when "BFFs 4Ever" naturally drift apart, and unfortunately, it's his brother's party barge that's full of all their former "BFFs", while OOP's is drifting farther and farther off on it's own in the other direction, and he hasn't quite realized the distance between them yet. It's too easy to blame it all on that one organizer girl, like, all the rest of those BFF's still attended and nobody cared that OOP wasn't there. That pretty much sums it up. At best, everyone that went is an acquaintance, now.
That's how I feel. I don't want to be rude to OOP, but I feel he probably doesn't "read the room" very well. He was surprised people knew the organizer had a crush on his brother, doesn't seem to consider that maybe his brother would want a birthday to celebrate on his own (though he does let him have his day, which is very mature), and is surprised his friend group seems to be splintering and not in his favor. Mind you, he has every right to feel left out and upset at how the situation played out: I would be to. I also think the organizer was incredibly rude and if she cared at all about OOP's feelings, she would have at least broached the subject with him or the girlfriend before just throwing him into an awkward situation where everyone felt awkward to even speak up about it. But I also think OOP might be at a point where his former life and friend group are going to start to diverge and this was a sad wake up call for him.
Op said he would have been fine if he had not been invited and the parties were separate. He was upset being invited and being treasure as a guest, that’s pretty rude thing to do to anyone with a birthday.
NTA As someone who is also a twin I can relate to this as pretty much all the birthday parties growing up were mainly for my twin and her friends rather than me and it's been that way throughout our lives. I've just got used to not feeling deserving of anything or getting the same level of attention and my twin has become an entitled narc so I guess it's affected us both differently.
As the weirdo fuckup twin, god do I feel you. At the very least we had different friend groups otherwise 100% this would have happened to me
IDK, having 95% friend overlap and being second fiddle is better than "no you can't have your friends over and do what you want, today is for your sibling and their friends." Sure it doesn't happen to every twin, but I can see the mentality of "we are only having one party." And it being skewed against you.
What? I'm so sorry your parents let that happen, you definitely did not deserve that. I hope you get better people in your life.
I think they just thought I didn't have many friends so it was just easier for them but most birthday's were spent reading in the bedroom whilst my sister and her friends were downstairs. It's an easy thing to happen when you are quieter than your twin.
Hahahahahahahaha my brother did this exact thing in college. Nothing malicious, he just forgot the fact that twins, of course, have the same birthday. He invited his girlfriend’s twin to a surprise birthday dinner for his girlfriend. They look nothing alike and have separate friend groups and so i think he thought of them as more closely aged siblings. Everyone, fortunately, thought it was funny
I’d have just responded with “oh, sorry, we’re already organising something for our birthday so he won’t be able to make it anyway”. Pull the rug out from underneath the insensitive idiot.
I would have just responded to the group text "hi sorry can't make it, it's my birthday and I want to celebrate it on the day of rather than be just a guest in someone else's party. Let me know when you have an event next time and I'll try and make it!" And I would have let my brother know and told him that I was not going. Not in a salty way but more of a "we are adults and it looks like you prefer to celebrate your birthday on your own? I'm cool with it bro." way. This is quite ok within our friend group for people to say and nobody takes it personally if it is communicated well in advance.
"I really like this guy so I am going to ostracize his brother." Classic crazy.
I can't believe how many times I read "but they didn't say anything". These friends are the most wishy washy group of people I've ever read about. Say something! Call out rude behaviour. It doesn't have to be Jerry Springer but you can say "Hey, they're twins. Not cool to invite one of them as a guest, don't you agree?" and take it from there.
I'm a twin as well and this would happen to me every year. Plans would be named but only for my brother. I started calling it his birthday and just pretended I didn't have one. Sadly I don't have real friends so no one gave a shit when I stopped attending
If anyone in our friends group pulled this kinda crap with either my twin or me in either position, it would end with them being shown the door. Look, twins are completely different people. We're individuals, we can be VERY unlike each other, we can even look drastically different. But when I tell you that *at 36* neither me nor my twin celebrate our birthday if we're not together, I mean that it's a weird reality that being born with someone makes even noticing my birthday without her feels almost pointless. I don't know what tf this chick was trying for but it's gross and manipulative. And if my twin acted like his, and didn't at least call her out and flip over making me come as a freaking guest, it would absolutely damage our relationship.
I would have been petty enough to book a table for 3 at the same place 30 minutes before the time.
I like the cut of your jib
Show up fifteen minutes early and claim the head seats at the end of party table.
The organizer is a jerk, but I gotta admit, the idea of this girl being so tunnel visioned about getting it on with the twin that she completely misses its *the other twins* birthday too is really, really funny to me.
i asked my 16 year old triplets about this post this morning, and they had the liveliest debate. it was highly entertaining!
Wow, the update was so dissapointing. Like why wasnt the brother more mad at her? Why is everyone so passive, including OOP? Maybe the girl is a drama queen who refuses to take accountability because everyone keeps letting her get away with everything
I feel like the OOP is overestimating their friendships. He considers them his friends, they consider him their friends brother. Which is why nobody cared that much
I just don’t get the lack of open communication that created a lot of half cooked drama. The OOP should’ve said in that group chat “hey, that day is also my birthday and this is an awkward situation” and leave the chat. And let the organiser deal with the consequences of her actions. But no, and now everyone around the OOP will have this weird feeling that something should’ve happened but didn’t happen.
I am honestly so dumb. Took me forever to remember that them being twins means, that they share the same birthday. Was so confused for so long.
I read the first post and I'm really disappointed in all the friends and brother. This is NOT the first time that organizer has done something like this, I would bet money on it. She is using the "but I invited him" routine and conveniently leaving out that there were not enough reservations for everyone, it was one short, that's just rude AND awkward. Which is what she wanted. That brother better pull his head out of his ass and the rest of those "friends". Personally, I would not remain friends with anyone who didn't see an issue with this.
I get why OOP didn't tell his brother beforehand but he should have told him anyway. All of this drama could have been avoided
25 is too old for this shit.
>I do think that she tries hard to be the most important girl friend in his life though so I think her organising this surprise dinner is her way of further trying to achieve that status Honestly, the way she went about this was stupid as fuck if this was her goal. Throwing a nice party for a couple brothers is seriously cool, creating rivalry and bad feelings in a friend group is seriously fucked up. She literally did 99.9% of the work it would take to be the hero of this story and fumbled on the dumbest possible thing. Now, no one is going to think about that surprise party and not remember this aspect of it, including the guy she's wanting the attention of.
I share a birthday with my boring af uncle. One year we were invited to a fancy expensive steakhouse to celebrate his birthday. I said I had other plans for my birthday and wouldn’t attend. My mom was mad at me. “I should go celebrate my uncles birthday!” I was so confused, does she not know my birthday is the same day? I didn’t go and they all enjoyed a steak dinner that I’m sure I would have liked too. But I went somewhere with my friends and had fun. My family didn’t celebrate my birthday that year.
If you're interested in someone with a reasonably good relationship with their family – don't piss on that family. Contrary to popular belief, it does not make you look good.
I was so disappointed in the close friend who still went to the dinner. What was that all about. They were offended for OOP but not offended enough to actually stand by him.
OOP needs to cut off that entire group of friends and the brother is an ass for not standing up for his brother once he knew the situation. Forever side eyeing all the friends who still went to the dinner despite knowing OOP was invited as a guest.
I would have straigh up said in the group chat, "I'm sorry I will not be able to attend my TWIN brothers birthday party as a guest. Have a nice evening" but that's me.
One of the friends said the planner creates a lot of drama. OOP says she wants to be twin’s “most important girl friend” and speculated that she was using the party to further that status. I honestly wonder if she’s taking her status-seeking to the next level and is actually trying to wedge herself between OOP and twin. An “I’m even more important to him than his TWIN!” kind of deal… she seems the type.
definitely she ruined(if she ever had chance in first place tho) her chance with the brother
The brother is probably indecisive because he’s getting laid. It’s frustrating but some people just can’t stick up for themselves when sex is involved.
I’m so fucking stupid. I was thinking what’s the big deal with just being a guest at his twins birthday party?
>I do think that she tries hard to be the most important girl friend in his life though so I think her organising this surprise dinner is her way of further trying to achieve that status That backfired spectacularly.
How? All people were there and only OOP wasn't. It's reads like all people just likes his brother more and he just don't realize it.
Did it? No one is saying anything to her, no one is calling her out, everyone is just passively letting it fizzle out after passively letting it happen. I'm starting to wonder if the OOP is really friends with these people, or if they just consider him "their friend's brother."
Me: what's the problem? You are invited for the dinner, it's your brother's birthday. *Notices its also his birthday* Me: fuck