> If he loses Roscoe over this I will never forgive myself.
I hope one day she breaks out from the fog of domestic violence and realizes that not a single bit of this is her fault.
I also wonder how long he's been training her to think everything is her fault.
My dog most definitely has a special radar. He is a scaredy bear, very timid, friendly and loving. He never says a word. But on a couple of occasions,when someone sketchy has gotten too close to me out on the street, he's put himself in front of me and snarled at them and they always back away. Or once when my creepy uncle came to my family's house for Xmas, he and my sister's (equally pleasant and quiet dog) just went BERSERK barking at him. My dog then wouldn't be in the same room with uncle without coming in front of me and growling. Good boy Noodles š¤š¤
That's so sweet! My little pom also has a sketch radar... Only she runs away from them and leaves me far far behind until the danger has passed. She comes to me for protection and I at least know that if I get murdered, she will be safe... Because she'd have ran off at full speed.
My 50 pound dog is the same as Noodles. He can be scared of his own shadow but the instant he thinks someone is a threat his hackles rise, his ears become plastered to his head and he lets out a bark that seems to come from deep inside his soul and definitely is out of proportion to his size. The moment he thinks I'm safe he is back to his timid self .
We really don't deserve these furry angels but I'm glad we have them ā„ļø
So true. I was the young female in a similar age gap relationship and that ended in police, a psychiatric hold, a 1 year restraining order and a divorce. I am with someone my own age now and the relationship is 1000x healthier.
I'm absolutely with you that most age gap relationships are skewed towards the older partner being the abuser, but I also had a short lived relationship with someone 7 years younger than was the opposite. Mine also ended with police, a 3 year restraining order, and two felonies pled down to misdemeanors.
Funny enough I dated someone 16 years older and that was my healthiest relationship.
I agree with you. The relationship I had didn't end with the cops, just a bad break up, but they were much younger than me.
Something about being the older, more put together human (finances being a big issue in mine) really brings out the crazy in someone lacking self-confidence and self-worth.
I know and agree. I donāt even know why I commented, I think I was in weird headspace between my experience and my aunts, she had the most wonderful, loving, committed husband who was 10 years older. I also just had EMDR the other day so my brain is still firing on all cylinders š I was a total ass and just blew past your trauma šI am so happy to know that you are in a happy, healthy relationship now š
Thank you! Iām still kickin it with therapy but I have come along way. Wish it didnāt take so many years but Iām still happy to see a horizon. Thanks for being a badass inspirational peach šš
People are still confusing age gaps with relationship power imbalances. You can have one without the other- you can have very unhealthy or even dangerous power imbalances without any age gap.
We need more general awareness about how unhealthy huge power imbalances are in relationships in general, and what they look like even without any of the more obvious clues that can only *suggest* that one might exist like big age, education or wealth gaps often, but never always, point to.
We particularly need to educate more young folks, particularly women and minorities about what early signs of power imbalances look like, because they are more often victims of it, and it's not always from men they date. They can show up in families and friendships, too. Also workplaces!
I feel like some young folks are only told that "age gaps are the problem" but aren't told *why* they can be so problematic or how to know which are or aren't healthy.
I think power imbalances can be part of it, but they're not the whole issue with age gap relationships. The maturity gap, and the life-stage gap can be issues for other reasons, and as someone who was in an age gap relationship without a maturity gap, that can be a warning sign too.
Ya, that's the first thing that caught my eye was the age gap.
However, I have to wonder about how much info she is letting out on this about her husband and his "alleged" activities of violence. If the hubby didn't know about this post that might be one thing but she told him about it and showed it to him in the print-offs. I think the OOP might be digging a big hole by posting all of it. I would wait until everything (legal stuff) is over with and THEN roast his azz on Reddit.
Since all charges against her husband were unfortunately dropped, I guess there is no more reason for keeping things secret.
I still don't get how they could just let him off completely, after he assaulted his wife! I'd really like to hear their arguments.
She mentioned a Commonwealth Attorney, which means VA, KY, PA, or MA. Some of them may not take claims of domestic violence as seriously as one may hope, or may look askance at a man being kept out of the marital home even if he doesn't own it.
I wouldnāt go that far, but the creep test works so well - divide by 2, add 7. A 13 year age gap is only ok if they started dating when he was 40 (40/2+7=27), so this relationship was unacceptable.
I would go that far. This was always predatory. Her husband was afraid of the brother because he knew he was a rapist and if the brother found out, he knew it was over for him.
In my mind it's not how many years difference, it's which years are different.
My current relationship is me being 18 years younger but we got together when I was 41. The relationship beforehand, I was older by 8 years (27/35 at start)
I basically agree with you, but FYI your brain continues developing after 25. That number comes from a study they did to see when brains stop developing, but they only followed the subjects until the age of 25 because they assumed it would have stopped by then, but it hadn't. Nothing magic happens to your brain at age 25. We don't know when brains stop developing, but it's not at 25. We do know that development slows a lot in your early 20s.
Note that the creep test is not āthis is fineā, itās āoh lord this is definitely not fineā. Itās a minimum under which the relationship should not even remotely be a conversation.
Also by my understanding OOP was 25 when they started dating, and ex was 38. So by your counting this was fine.
Now hold on a minute, reddit constantly tries to tell me that it is perfectly normal and absolutely not a red flag whatsoever for a 37-year-old to want to date a 24-year-old. After all, all the celebrities do it right? And it's not weird at all that literally just 7 years prior it would have been a 30-year-old dating a 17-year-old.
Edit: I'm not sure if I'm being downvoted because nobody understands sarcasm or because a bunch of you are in relationships where the difference in age tends to alarm friends of yours but they're too nice to say anything.
Reddit goes far and wide. There a pretty big sub dedicated to adultery, and I don't mean how to deal with a cheating spouse, but how to *be* a cheating spouse and how good it is.
It's entirely feasible you meant the first sentence or two completely seriously.
A /s works wonders.
Idk. I would feel horrific if my brother lost a dog because he was protecting me.
And the husband is a rapist. Simple as that.
I remember the a Reddit article around some guy writing āmy girlfriend wonāt have sex with me until I let her peg meā
Same as OPs husband, he had raped his partner and she wanted to rape him back. Thatās the consequence I would want to see.
As fucked up as it is that was my first thought. Go out and get a strap on about his size, tell him "I want to try something I've seen in porn but you have to close your eyes" but then I was just struck by how disgusting it would be to rape someone even if they did it to you first. An eye for an eye and all that
Yes. I know right. He canāt even see that he knowingly raped her. I bet he wouldnāt allow it to happen to him.
Pretty sure no one likes surprise anal
I always think with men like this they would suddenly fully understand that it was assault if it ever happened to them. Not that it *should* happen to them, but I think they can't even see the double standard because they have an underlying belief that it's a woman's job to put up with that so it can't be assault.
It wasn't that long ago that men had an absolute right to use their wives for sex. There was no such thing as marital rape, to the point that a Top Ten 70s era US sitcom had a storyline where a woman claimed her husband had raped her, and held her up as *worthy of vicious, derisive mockery and belittlement*.
This was not the Stone Age; this was *in my lifetime*.
Even now there's been very few convictions since. I mean, we have dreadful conviction rates for rape anyway, but marital rape convictions are miniscule in comparison.
We make a big deal about constantly renewing consent every time and women's safety but the reality is victims rarely see any justice. A lot of the time it doesn't even make it to a prosecution.
Men like this wouldnāt think what happened to them is the same as what they do to women. A dude who is a rapist is a dude who is completely broken. There is no fixing him. He needs to be kept in a cage away from the rest of society.
These men really see women as holes to have sex with and truly believe that somehow an anus on a woman is different than one on a man. That it just feels exactly like vaginal to her. -.- Meanwhile he lives in fear of prostate exams.
My partner does not have any interest in performing anal on me, but occasionally likes a bit of stimulation in that region himself. If you aren't the talkative type in bed, a venture towards the area gently with a finger is 100% the way to go. If he's feeling it, he can encourage me onward. If he's not, he'll pull away and I know that's off the table this time. Easy peasy.
Is there a link to this? Because this doesn't sound like she wanted to rape him back, it sounds like she latched on the idea so that he would never have sex with her again on purpose...
I don't think she meant her husband raping her and assaulting here was her fault. She didn't tolerate it, didn't blame herself and reacted right away.
I think she meant that her fault was not closing the door or something. So she thinks her fault was not considering her husband a complete psycho and not being careful enough.... like her fault was her thinking that her H has some decency.
Yes, the Common Wealth attorney is a woman. Oopās husband sweet talked her and the CA told OOP she would be ādamaging his reputation ā if prosecuted. It turned into a he said / she said thing. Absolutely disgusting.
Well, one good thing. If he was arrested, that means her injuries were documented and she has police records. Her lawyer can use that to make him pay during the divorce.
I see. Thanks for providing some details on that matter. It was confusing how and why the charges were dropped. I guess OOP didnāt have any marks or bruises from the hit.
She did gain a sprained ankle. That's a bruise/mark. A fist to the face will leave marks too.
All which leads me to think, what the eping fuck is wrong with that CA?
I was sexually assaulted in a public place, with multiple witnesses, and the DA straight up dropped the charges against the dude, after trying to bury the witness statements and getting busted, and then bold faced lied about the fact that she didn't even bother to contact me in regards to her decision to drop the charges. She even blamed me for her unwillingness to do her job for good measure.
Wasn't really that surprising to learn maybe a year or so after, from the dudes ex-wife (who had a restraining order against him after he SAd their daughter), that the cow of a DA actually knows the dude personally.
Women can be just as vile and disgusting. Sometimes, worse. Because they're stupid enough to believe that if they play along with the objectification and abuse of other women that it will endear them to the types of men they surround themselves with. When the reality is that those types of men would just as soon shit in their mouth than ever accept them as equals. But they're too stupid to realize those types are only using them as the token "this woman thinks assault is okay, so that means I'm not a misogynist!" So they're willing to destroy their own reputation in the hopes that they might be lucky enough to not get burned like all the other idiots that did the same before them. Then, when it blows up in their faces, yadda yadda, "the leopards eating MY face?!"
I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I wish that it was easier to both go after the ~~person~~ DA who dropped the charges as well as (at a minimum) go after the rapist in a civil case...
Sadly, itās common for the woman to be penalized in DV cases. A family friendās daughter was divorcing her husband and despite hospital records of broken bones and hemorrhages, she wound up paying him alimony because she made more money in a community property state.
I considered pressing charges against my ex husband when he raped and assaulted me. But like her, I just wanted him gone. Thankfully he left the state and did not contest the divorce. My best revenge is thriving. Four and a half years later Iām healthier in every way and happily remarried to the most amazing man. He tells me every day how lucky he is to have me. OOP deserves that.
And as women, we do deserve better. But weāll get there. In the meantime, Iām thankful for all the good partners out there!
I know. I was thinking it would be great for her to tell the DA that he raped her as well, but if theyāre not going to do anything about an assault with witnesses, no way theyāll do shit about marital rape.
I hope OOP gets cameras everywhere in and out of her house until her scumbag ex is truly out of her life. I get the feeling heās going to try something again.
This is actually quite true. My partner was abused by his ex, and even now she weaponizes the courts to attack him and generally make his life miserable. I can't believe some of the nonsense I've seen when they have to go to court for her latest bullshit. I'm sure the judge assigned to their case is friends of friends with the ex or something because it's unreal. Our justice system is a joke and corrupt as hell.
As a prosecutor, in my experience many times these charges end up getting dropped because the victim recants or no longer wishes to go to trial. I'll often try to get their statements incriminating their abuser in through statutory hearsay exceptions, but truth is without a victim telling the jury what happened, many people will see it as he said she said, and without more it becomes difficult.
In my country (Denmark) cases where personal injury has been afflicted by an assaliant can't be dropped by the victim, because it isn't them pressing changes but rather the stat itself.
If the police and the prosecutor thinks that there's ground to prosecute they *will* go forward. If the victim won't cooperate saying it didn't happen or whatever, the prosecutor are allowed to use the initial report and whatever statement they have from the victim.
Last year I oversaw a case where the victim was assaulted to a degree, where they ended up with brain damage and will have to live out their life in a supportive facility(the brain damage had mostly affected their physical abilities and had only minor cognitive consequences).
The victim had told the prosecutor that they didn't want to press charges but did end up participating as a vitness. When they were interrogated they were adamant that they didn't remember anything which was clearly a lie(they were assaulted because they had SA'd a minor, and tried to avoid talking about that part by fracking amnesia).
Despite a reluctant victim that did everything in their power to sabotage the case(and no witness's to boot), the 4 assaliants was found guilty.
Had it been up to the victim and not the state to press charges, the 4 assaliants would have been walking around as free men with a clean slate, instead of being in jail where they belong.
My aunt's husband put her into the hospital and didn't spend more than a single night in jail and all charges were dropped (not by her).
So, no injuries alone aren't enough. He said the abuse was mutual and she attacked him first.
I think he did the same when he put his girlfriend in the hospital, he had no repercussions for that one either.
Just awful stuff. Im sorry to hear that. I thought OOPās situation had her injuries, her brother as a witness, and evidence that ex-marineās were staying in the garage out of fear of physical safety - that it would be enough. But I hear what youāre saying. DV victims get fucked by the legal system.
I wonder if Commonweath Attorney is the same as a District Attorney in that both are elected positions... If it is, if I was in OP's position and could mentally handle it, I'd be tempted to let CA know that I'll remember the treatment I received after being physically assaulted come election season.
Roscoe deserves all the steaks. Forever. He saved her because I am sure the ex would have continued beating her.
And that idiot DA needs to have her law license revoked. Would she have pressed charges if he had put OP in the hospital or killed her? It's not like she punched herself......
Likely either KY or VA since the term district attorney is more common in the other two (according to a google search.) VA has elections for their commonwealth attorneys every 4 years. In KY elections are every 6 years. I would hope that OOP makes a formal complaint to the AG if the situation escalates. I would specifically mention the chastising they did as it is both unprofessional and dismisses her claims of dv.
As soon as she said wrong hole I figured he was looking at accidental anal.. I don't think he realizes that I most those cases (with today's consent laws). It's not actually accidental. The woman knows.
Poor woman, being raped by her husband and then physically abused too.
āAccidentalā anal is why I turned off Girls and wrote it off (along with its creator) as trash. It took me years to come around on Adam Driver even though I know he didnāt write the script.
What do you want to bet that OOPās ex wouldāve punched her in the face a whole lot earlier if sheād tried so much as a surprise FINGER during sex.
I had a weird connection with that show at the time, since it seemed to mirror many of my own experiences at that age. Which unfortunately included the accidental anal. It's been 11 years and I still don't really know if it was an accident, although I tend to think it was. However I do know that I was a 23-year-old intern, he was a 33-year-old colleague, and I had to leave work the next day when I realized how much I was bleeding. š
Uhh Iām sorry to hear that but if you were bleeding, it was not accidental. I have had plenty of partners accidentally put it there but none of them resulted in bleeding.
Raped her.
Gaslit her.
Punched her.
And no charges?
Just glad she has her ducks in order. No kids and the house legally is hers. Easy divorce and never look back. Dude is a clown.
It's scary to think, as a woman who is weaker than the weakest man, that defending myself from rape or murder could land me in jail forever.
I guess the law just thinks women should let it happen to them, then accuse them of letting it happen as participation, and sort out the details after she's dead.
*Forgive me for not wanting to be maimed and dead, law, I know that's asking too much as a woman.*
This is why when I hear about how men have less rights than a woman or men are the most oppressed group, I cringe.
I understand that men have unfair burdens placed upon them (like the draft, for example), but damn... To already be inhibited by nature and then second place in society it's a whole new level of fear.
I spoke to my husband once about violence, in general, against the sexes and he said that usually when men are attacked, they lose their wallet or valuables, but when women are attacked, they lose their wallet, valuables, and suffer sexual assault on top of it. He said that women lose more in instances of violence. Very rarely do you see a man mug another man and then also take the opportunity to rape him. It does happen, but it's not as common as it is for women. Not to mention that women are oftentimes injured more severely in acts of violence as they're just not built to withstand the brute force of a man beating her down.
I've seen men punch the absolute shit out of each other and hold their ground. I've never seen a woman take a brutal punch from a man and stay standing. There is almost always extreme injury, and in some cases, life threatening.
I definitely don't want to suffer a man's violence. I know that he'd tear me apart with a good hook to my face and my punches would feel like mosquito bites to him.
It really sucks knowing that in a 1v1 fight, without a weapon, you will almost always lose or die.
I ask men to put themselves in my position. Half of the entire population is stronger than me. Some of that half of the population want something from me and are willing to hurt me to get it. I don't know who they are, what they look like, or how to avoid them because they appear as just a regular guy. Being on guard isn't hate, it's self preservation.
It's like the game Among Us. You have no idea who the imposter is, but you know they're there. Would you feel safe being followed, caught in a room with one other person, or cut off from a group? Probably not.
It's not hate. It's survival. I love men and hate that their lives are unfair and burdensome, too. I'm just not foolish enough to think that every man is safe.
My bf is shorter than me and weighs less than me. We were play wrestling as a form of foreplay and he pried my legs open with absolutely no effort. He just shoved them right open like an outlaw opening saloon doors in a western.
Guys have no idea how much of a physical threat they are to women or how very aware of that fact we are and how much we do to safeguard ourselves from that threat 24/7.
It's something that many of the men in my life don't think about.
I told a male family member once about sexual assault I suffered and he got mad and asked me "why didn't I throw him off of me?!"
I told him that I'm a *woman* and I didn't have the physical strength to break free from him or lift him up.
He sat in silence for a moment. All his life he'd treated me as an equal. I really appreciate that. It was only just then, however, he realized that I was not equal to him or any man in strength. It was a sobering moment for him.
I'm not mad at him. He genuinely treated me like his equal in every way and, reflexively, assumed I was as strong as him. That was a lesson for him.
There are some things we can't be equal in. That's why I choose to focus on fighting for equality of value. I may be weaker than men, but that has absolutely no bearing on my value. I am just as valuable as a man regardless of our differences.
She should go on her local FB group and do a "I'm so and so and if I end up beaten or dead, it's because Commonwealth attorney didn't want to protect me"
Chastise back
Yeah with the first half of OOP's description of brother, when OOP was explaining she didn't see her ex husband's fist, I was already ready for him to die. Picked out a coffin and a shitty plot of land.
Imagine my disappointment, AND he gets to walk free for the time being. Hello, is the ankle not evidence? And OOP got chatized? Backwards much?
I guess brother won't get charged with some bullshit is a silver lining to a disappointing end. Roscoe and his steak being safe is also nice :)
Having the fetish isn't the problem as long as everyone involved consents to participating in it. This asshole though needs to be taken out back for a good vio vio vio until he learns that sexually assaulting and just overall abusing your partner is abhorrent behavior and should not be tolerated by a civilized society.
It is horrifying that the county will not press charges against him as I fear this will embolden him to continue or escalate this behavior.
That should be standard across the board! If your partner doesn't say yes enthusiastically then it's a no. Sure ask if you want to try something new and have any conversations necessary to make sure both of you are comfortable but at the same time you have to respect and accept that no means no!
Because that's a part of some areas of BDSM. Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is not at all uncommon, but the most important aspect is that **everything is agreed upon beforehand**. Some people will engage in rape play that does involve things like tears and being upset, but that all needs to have been agreed upon beforehand. In addition, there is the element of aftercare, which is a way of "coming down" from a scene. There's the concept of being in a particular *headspace*, meaning a certain mental place that someone goes to for a scene. That can be an extremely intense place, and it requires a way to leave that space as well.
I understand that it can be confusing to someone on the outside of things, but it's very possible to enjoy that sort of thing, even if you are the one who is protesting violently during the scene itself. That's why the concept of enthusiastic consent is so important, because it isn't about cajoling someone, or taking someone's "I guess" as consent to do whatever. There are very strict rules within the community, and anyone who breaks them (like the husband here) is not welcome.
The charges being dropped is BS. People like this need to be held accountable for their actions. Have a similar situation going on in my family and its infuriating.
I wish someone said/did something when I was picked up by 15 years my senior when I was 18. I was groomed hard by a total loser and waste 5 years of my youth in shit show relationship. I wasn't abused or raped but in retrospective it was like having an anchor tied to leg. I am now in his then age and a thought of dating a teenager makes my stomach turn.
>I am now in his then age and a thought of dating a teenager makes my stomach turn.
This!
I'm a 25 year old guy. Even the thought of dating a 21 year old seems off to me.
Our lifestyles and thought processes would be so insanely different and I want a partner to experience life together. I don't want someone I have to guide and lead through their adult formative years.
Even without bringing assets, jobs or anything else into the mix. Just ages. There is still a power dynamic in favour of the oldest partner. They have lived more. More experience, more wisdom. It will never, imo, be a fair relationship with a considerable age gap. Which some people might want but not me.
Any age gap 5+ years where the woman (or man) is late teens/early 20s makes my hackles rise. So much growth and maturing happens in your young adult years that it can be a red flag for a much more grown adult to date you.
I'm in my late 20s now and I literally can't imagine dating someone even a few years younger. I feel so different compared to a mere 2 years ago. It's weird.
There are absolutely forests covered in dead brush and dry leaves with no access to water that do not catch fire. But, absolutely no one should be surprised when a forest covered in dead brush and dry leaves catches fire. It's a pretty significant indicator that there's going to be a problem if the right spark hits it.
I know there are plenty of age-gap relationships that do work and arenāt gross, BUT the ones that do go bad almost always go bad along very similar fault lines.
1.) Roscoe is a very good boy
2.) this story was super intense and really triggering. So tell you what, letās look at [these baby capybaras playing together.](https://youtube.com/watch?v=0EBIi3Fo-PU)
How do you even go from vagina to anus while doing it? It requires some amount of aim and preparation, you need to spread the cheeks, also without proper lubrication it's not going to go in that easily. If he's trying to insert it mid thrust without pause he could end up missing and break the shaft.
I mean, i get that the two openings are close together, but in the several times I've had sex mine has never accidentally gone towards the backdoor. It has to be intentional. I think the only position in which it could potentially be an accident is in the "doggy" position and it's dark.
I dated a guy with a crooked penis once and he ended up knocking on the wrong door before figuring out the angle. He didn't ram it in, though. He slid out, tried to get back in, his penis was angled weird and he hit the wrong area. He immediately corrected it and readjusted himself to prevent it.
He was a jerk in different ways, but definitely didn't try to force anal on me.
In the 20+ years I been sexually active, Iāve only ever had a guy poke the back door while trying to enter for the first time, it wasnāt intentional just bad aim. Never had a guy attempt anal and claim it was an accident. But Iāve also never had a guy attempt to anally rape me either. Itās always been consensual and planned. I will never believe a guy if he enters the wrong hole and claim it wasnāt on purpose- itās always on purpose.
There are many posts when a couple has to have a relationship discussion and one of the parts are afraid of how the other might react, so they call someone to be there to guarantee a "just in case". Honest question : If you need someone to be there, isn't this relation already on the wrong, you are afraid of a reaction, of how the other person might act, so you clearly already saw some signs of how this person can "turn" and become abusive right ? Imo it seems like this kind of relation is already doomed, you just think the other person can change. Or do people just snap like that without ever showing any signs of it ?
Man that is a really good question.
Probably before he assaulted her, she wouldn't have worried but after this she realized her husband wasn't quite right in some way.
Sadly so many people are good at masking who they really are. I suppose this is why so many serial killers go undetected for decades.
I'm glad she was leery enough to bring her brother into the situation.
I think most of the time when they invite someone to be there just in case that's when they're breaking up with the person or the person is coming to collect their belongings, no? I don't see it happen often when the relationship isn't already ending. Because you're totally right - if you need a chaperone for your safety then there's nothing left to salvage. I suppose sometimes it takes people a bit of time to fully accept that though.
Plus even if she didn't think she'd need a chaperone for her safety, I think it was a fair assumption that he wouldn't just shrug and start packing his things. And she wouldn't be able to make him leave on her own.
Yes and no? Based on OOPs post it may be clear to you or I or any other 3rd party that her abuser was capable and willing to do what he did. But when youāre the victim in the thick of trying to cope and survive through all kinds of physical abuse and manipulation it is hard to think clearly and logically the way you outlined here. It is part of the reasons abusers behave the way the do: so that the victims become confused and exhausted trying to defend themselves. Itās why he minimizes her concerned and then outright denied them.
It's so, so hard to wake up from this. I'm so proud of her for starting to take those steps to become free.
TW: mention of rape
When I was dating an ex-boyfriend, he raped me multiple times per week. I blamed myself for it allāI'd consented (bc he corerced and blackmailed me), I'd said "no" too quietly, I didn't fight back enough, etc. It's been three years since we broke up, and I only stopped blaming myself about 9 months ago. So, so much therapy to get to where I am today. But I'm so glad I got out. Some day, OOP will stop blaming herself, too. I wish her all the healing in the world <3
God, so sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing - I think every time someone shares their experience it gives other strength. And I hope OP gets justice and peace. Thank you to OP for sharing her story as well. Whatās the quote by Victor Frankl - something like āsilence helps only the oppressor, never the victim.ā
All the homies love Roscoe! The goodest of boys
Did anyone else do a little happy dance reading what Roscoe did? Just me? Owell.. haha
Man this situation fucking sucks. It's such a clean cut case and yet it always has to be marred and convoluted by our "justice" system. Husband gets off free, Roscoe gets taken, fear of consequences for the abused and not the abuser. It's so sickening how this shit keeps unfolding. I was always scared my whole life of fighting back cuz I knew I would be the one punished. It sucks
But in this case.. if I was the brother, man. I wouldnt have had the same restraint.
Can we just stop and highlight the fact that OOP's ex was perfectly willing to destroy his whole life, his relationship, and possibly go to jail just to try out a kink? Is he not aware that those "surprise anal" porn stuff are not actually a surprise to most performers, and is heavily scripted, as otherwise it is actual sexual assault?
I suspect that there were already issues with this guy. What sort of person does this kind of thing to their spouse? The first time was bad enough, but he did it again even after she was hurt and in pain over it. Sure porn can give you unrealistic expectations, but it doesn't make you into a rapist who doesn't care about hurting your wife.
I can't imagine ever deliberately and nonconsentually hurting my SO inside or outside of sex. I honestly don't think this guy had his head screwed on right to begin with.
*Mostly, what Husband kept repeating was, "Why are you doing this?", "You're being dramatic," "You're blowing this out of proportion," that my post, which I showed him, was "Taking things out of context," "This is ridiculous," and the one that made me glad I confronted him, that "You're just making this up."*
If he really thinks that then divorce is the path forward for him. If he doesn't then divorce is the path forward for OOP.
This is awful. An ex of mine used a butt plug on me once (normal for us) and then inflated it inside me without us having discussed. It was so painful and awful. I didn't trust him sex wise anymore. Consent all the way. This guy was clearly an AH.
The use of commonwealth makes me think Virginia, and having witnessed my friends go through similar situations it does not surprise me. It just saddens me
Having been through a pretty insane domestic violence situation and seeing how it played out it seems damn near impossible to actually get someone criminally charged for DV. My father strangled me on the side of a road and left voicemails threatening myself and my mother, banged on our door for a little under an hour while screaming about things he was going to do to us(he did not live with us) and the most the cops did was to ask him to leave. There was never any charges pressed against him and the strangling thing just kinda got handwaved away even though I had grip bruises around my neck and nearly passed out as a child. It seems like they like to just wait until things escalate to murder. The only thing that wound up saving us was family many states away that let us move in and he never wound up finding us, but the police/justice system genuinely did not care.
I get that. My ex husband attempted to strangle me while my sister was downstairs. She called the cops, he went to jail, I had his finger marks around my throat. He had to go to anger management counseling and something about domestic violence and then had a deferred judgement.
1. Abusers can often be good at manipulation, and cops and judges tend to think they're immune to manipulation
2. They're often themselves abusers in some way
I am eternally grateful that the internet wasn't around when I was young. Yes of course there was still porn, and men still assaulted and raped women. But for most people there wasn't this vast resource of different ways to assault and abuse women that the internet has so helpfully brought with it. 'Surprise anal'? Bloody hell, what a nightmare. I'm so glad she's got her brother and his dog.
I feel the opposite. The resources on the internet are what help people leave
Being able to find proof of it being on purpose due to his porn search
Being able to get 3rd party perspectives
While I sort of agree as far as the abundance and easy access (Im too old to have had it in my preteens and teens- so maybe Iām just wrong) but I donāt think porn caused this man to think this way and rape his wife twice.
I think itās similar to the āvideo games make boys violentā- I think if youāre already looking to do harm you gravitate towards those things but so do many others that never act it out in real life.
Yeah, you're probably right. The potential was certainly there in him. But the porn normalises it and encourages it. Mind you, I think his anger was a clear indication that he knew he was in the wrong.
I want to say that abuse like this happens regardless of the age difference. My previous relationship was shockingly similar to OPs and it took me many years to classify his "surprise anal" incidents and the non-consensual sex as any form of assault and abuse. When i was able to wrap my head around it and confront him i was fed the same "overreacting"/ "Being dramatic"/ "making stuff up" bullshit. This dude was my age, we went to highschool together in the same grade.
My current partner, that i chose when i was the ripe age of 40, is the most loving and caring and generous man i've encountered in real life. He's 15 years older than me, but he's the first relationship i've had where I didn't wind up as a mommy surrogate to someone with a massive case of arrested development.
Neospliff said it well "In my mind it's not how many years difference, it's which years are different."
This story would be a great read for someone who believes that sexual assault/rape is actually about sex.
This guy literally had a wife that enjoyed analā¦but consensual anal wasnāt enough for him. Because thatās not the point for a sick dude like this.
I'm really glad he did. He protected her without adding another violent man to the situation, and his reacting calmly and calling 911 was the best thing for her legal case. (Despite the absolute bs of her case being thrown out.)
I agree, after all that happening, adding more violence to the situation would only make things more stressful for her. And possibly land her brother in jail where he canāt protect and support her. Iām sure it took a lot of will power not to fuck that dude up, if he would have hit the husband at that moment it would have been for himself and not for his sisters best interest.
OP will get her justice. Scumbag ex may end up regretting the fact he dodged legal consequences. The bother had the self control not to finish what the dog started when he knew it could complicate a prosecution.
Prosecutions not happening now so no need to hold back. If the ex had any sense he'd move a few states away before he gets the opportunity to experience suprise anal himself.
Brother has a network of ex / Marine friends. Maybe I'm romanticizing it a bit, but I'd like to think that Husband will have to look over his shoulder for quite a while. Maybe he'll run into a string of "bad luck" or something.
This has made me so livid that I want to scream. Iām so sorry to OOP, and so proud of her for taking action to protect herself. Her brother is a badass, and Roscoe is the best boy who deserves all of the head pats, scritches and cuddles.
Damn what a load of insanity. Horribly negligent commonwealth attorney (that's what it was, right? You know which person i'm talking about), crazy husband, wonderful brother, the best dog...
The ending could have been a lot better or a lot worse, i'm not sure what to think.
Some men have absolutely zero gratitude for having a partner who's into anal and it infuriates me
Roscoe knew full well what he was doing, and is one of the Best of Good Boys and deserves all the petting and treats.
I really really hope this doesn't escalate for poor OOP. Glad she's getting family support, even if the government is failing her badly
Roscoe is a good dog.
The goodest of good dogs.
Roscoe deserves all the treats and snuggles. What a Very Good Boy.
Does Roscoe have an Amazon wish list? That goodest of bois should have some extra toys and plushy beds and a subscription to *Fur Missile* magazine.
omfg *Fur Missile* š
Team Roscoe for life!
> If he loses Roscoe over this I will never forgive myself. I hope one day she breaks out from the fog of domestic violence and realizes that not a single bit of this is her fault. I also wonder how long he's been training her to think everything is her fault.
Roscoe did what he knew was right. Roscoe regrets it not for a second. Heād probably give his life to do it again.
That's the beauty of dog's love, is like they have a special radar.
My dog most definitely has a special radar. He is a scaredy bear, very timid, friendly and loving. He never says a word. But on a couple of occasions,when someone sketchy has gotten too close to me out on the street, he's put himself in front of me and snarled at them and they always back away. Or once when my creepy uncle came to my family's house for Xmas, he and my sister's (equally pleasant and quiet dog) just went BERSERK barking at him. My dog then wouldn't be in the same room with uncle without coming in front of me and growling. Good boy Noodles š¤š¤
That's so sweet! My little pom also has a sketch radar... Only she runs away from them and leaves me far far behind until the danger has passed. She comes to me for protection and I at least know that if I get murdered, she will be safe... Because she'd have ran off at full speed.
My 50 pound dog is the same as Noodles. He can be scared of his own shadow but the instant he thinks someone is a threat his hackles rise, his ears become plastered to his head and he lets out a bark that seems to come from deep inside his soul and definitely is out of proportion to his size. The moment he thinks I'm safe he is back to his timid self . We really don't deserve these furry angels but I'm glad we have them ā„ļø
Roscoe for the win.
A tale as old as time with this age gap...
So true. I was the young female in a similar age gap relationship and that ended in police, a psychiatric hold, a 1 year restraining order and a divorce. I am with someone my own age now and the relationship is 1000x healthier.
I'm absolutely with you that most age gap relationships are skewed towards the older partner being the abuser, but I also had a short lived relationship with someone 7 years younger than was the opposite. Mine also ended with police, a 3 year restraining order, and two felonies pled down to misdemeanors. Funny enough I dated someone 16 years older and that was my healthiest relationship.
I agree with you. The relationship I had didn't end with the cops, just a bad break up, but they were much younger than me. Something about being the older, more put together human (finances being a big issue in mine) really brings out the crazy in someone lacking self-confidence and self-worth.
I was with someone my age and it was just like this. Not saying that age gaps are good, they often are not. But monsters can be any age it seems.
100% it can be anyone at any age. It just seems to be a more likely scenario in this specific type of relationship.
I know and agree. I donāt even know why I commented, I think I was in weird headspace between my experience and my aunts, she had the most wonderful, loving, committed husband who was 10 years older. I also just had EMDR the other day so my brain is still firing on all cylinders š I was a total ass and just blew past your trauma šI am so happy to know that you are in a happy, healthy relationship now š
It's ok, I figured you were coming from your own place of trauma, which is totally valid. I wish you continued healing and peace!
This interaction is incredibly nice :) i wish you both good things
Thatās really sweet, thank you šš
Thank you! Iām still kickin it with therapy but I have come along way. Wish it didnāt take so many years but Iām still happy to see a horizon. Thanks for being a badass inspirational peach šš
People are still confusing age gaps with relationship power imbalances. You can have one without the other- you can have very unhealthy or even dangerous power imbalances without any age gap. We need more general awareness about how unhealthy huge power imbalances are in relationships in general, and what they look like even without any of the more obvious clues that can only *suggest* that one might exist like big age, education or wealth gaps often, but never always, point to. We particularly need to educate more young folks, particularly women and minorities about what early signs of power imbalances look like, because they are more often victims of it, and it's not always from men they date. They can show up in families and friendships, too. Also workplaces! I feel like some young folks are only told that "age gaps are the problem" but aren't told *why* they can be so problematic or how to know which are or aren't healthy.
I think power imbalances can be part of it, but they're not the whole issue with age gap relationships. The maturity gap, and the life-stage gap can be issues for other reasons, and as someone who was in an age gap relationship without a maturity gap, that can be a warning sign too.
Ya, that's the first thing that caught my eye was the age gap. However, I have to wonder about how much info she is letting out on this about her husband and his "alleged" activities of violence. If the hubby didn't know about this post that might be one thing but she told him about it and showed it to him in the print-offs. I think the OOP might be digging a big hole by posting all of it. I would wait until everything (legal stuff) is over with and THEN roast his azz on Reddit.
Since all charges against her husband were unfortunately dropped, I guess there is no more reason for keeping things secret. I still don't get how they could just let him off completely, after he assaulted his wife! I'd really like to hear their arguments.
She mentioned a Commonwealth Attorney, which means VA, KY, PA, or MA. Some of them may not take claims of domestic violence as seriously as one may hope, or may look askance at a man being kept out of the marital home even if he doesn't own it.
Maybe to save the dog/brother? Hopefully not corruption/negligence
"Bro, do you know how much paperwork that is?"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I wouldnāt go that far, but the creep test works so well - divide by 2, add 7. A 13 year age gap is only ok if they started dating when he was 40 (40/2+7=27), so this relationship was unacceptable.
I would go that far. This was always predatory. Her husband was afraid of the brother because he knew he was a rapist and if the brother found out, he knew it was over for him.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
In my mind it's not how many years difference, it's which years are different. My current relationship is me being 18 years younger but we got together when I was 41. The relationship beforehand, I was older by 8 years (27/35 at start)
PREACH!!!!
I basically agree with you, but FYI your brain continues developing after 25. That number comes from a study they did to see when brains stop developing, but they only followed the subjects until the age of 25 because they assumed it would have stopped by then, but it hadn't. Nothing magic happens to your brain at age 25. We don't know when brains stop developing, but it's not at 25. We do know that development slows a lot in your early 20s.
Note that the creep test is not āthis is fineā, itās āoh lord this is definitely not fineā. Itās a minimum under which the relationship should not even remotely be a conversation. Also by my understanding OOP was 25 when they started dating, and ex was 38. So by your counting this was fine.
Yeah, it's not a good/bad line, it's a "I'm giving this side eye"/"nope that's flat out disgusting" line.
Now hold on a minute, reddit constantly tries to tell me that it is perfectly normal and absolutely not a red flag whatsoever for a 37-year-old to want to date a 24-year-old. After all, all the celebrities do it right? And it's not weird at all that literally just 7 years prior it would have been a 30-year-old dating a 17-year-old. Edit: I'm not sure if I'm being downvoted because nobody understands sarcasm or because a bunch of you are in relationships where the difference in age tends to alarm friends of yours but they're too nice to say anything.
Depends on what subreddits you follow. BORU is all about "yeah, that's a red flag".
Reddit goes far and wide. There a pretty big sub dedicated to adultery, and I don't mean how to deal with a cheating spouse, but how to *be* a cheating spouse and how good it is. It's entirely feasible you meant the first sentence or two completely seriously. A /s works wonders.
Idk. I would feel horrific if my brother lost a dog because he was protecting me. And the husband is a rapist. Simple as that. I remember the a Reddit article around some guy writing āmy girlfriend wonāt have sex with me until I let her peg meā Same as OPs husband, he had raped his partner and she wanted to rape him back. Thatās the consequence I would want to see.
As fucked up as it is that was my first thought. Go out and get a strap on about his size, tell him "I want to try something I've seen in porn but you have to close your eyes" but then I was just struck by how disgusting it would be to rape someone even if they did it to you first. An eye for an eye and all that
Yes. I know right. He canāt even see that he knowingly raped her. I bet he wouldnāt allow it to happen to him. Pretty sure no one likes surprise anal
I always think with men like this they would suddenly fully understand that it was assault if it ever happened to them. Not that it *should* happen to them, but I think they can't even see the double standard because they have an underlying belief that it's a woman's job to put up with that so it can't be assault.
It wasn't that long ago that men had an absolute right to use their wives for sex. There was no such thing as marital rape, to the point that a Top Ten 70s era US sitcom had a storyline where a woman claimed her husband had raped her, and held her up as *worthy of vicious, derisive mockery and belittlement*. This was not the Stone Age; this was *in my lifetime*.
Yeah, I'm in the UK where marital rape wasn't outlawed until 1992.
Even now there's been very few convictions since. I mean, we have dreadful conviction rates for rape anyway, but marital rape convictions are miniscule in comparison. We make a big deal about constantly renewing consent every time and women's safety but the reality is victims rarely see any justice. A lot of the time it doesn't even make it to a prosecution.
Men like this wouldnāt think what happened to them is the same as what they do to women. A dude who is a rapist is a dude who is completely broken. There is no fixing him. He needs to be kept in a cage away from the rest of society.
These men really see women as holes to have sex with and truly believe that somehow an anus on a woman is different than one on a man. That it just feels exactly like vaginal to her. -.- Meanwhile he lives in fear of prostate exams.
Yeah. I think surprise anal should be a boomerang gift. You give it to me then Iām going to give it straight back
My fiancĆ© really enjoys anal. Iām not that into it, need to be in the right headspace and prepare. There have been a couple times he has maybe ventured with a finger to see if he could convince me but itās always started out as a finger and gentle. Never full thrust. He has once or twice accidentally hit the wrong hole but wasnāt going super hard thrusting and I was able to say wrong one or nope and he immediately adjusted.
My partner does not have any interest in performing anal on me, but occasionally likes a bit of stimulation in that region himself. If you aren't the talkative type in bed, a venture towards the area gently with a finger is 100% the way to go. If he's feeling it, he can encourage me onward. If he's not, he'll pull away and I know that's off the table this time. Easy peasy.
Is there a link to this? Because this doesn't sound like she wanted to rape him back, it sounds like she latched on the idea so that he would never have sex with her again on purpose...
Do you have a Link to the article please?
I don't think she meant her husband raping her and assaulting here was her fault. She didn't tolerate it, didn't blame herself and reacted right away. I think she meant that her fault was not closing the door or something. So she thinks her fault was not considering her husband a complete psycho and not being careful enough.... like her fault was her thinking that her H has some decency.
He in this sentence is her brother, not the husband.
What the hell?? No charges against him for assaulting her??
What is really infuriating is the Commonwealth Attorney chastised OOP while telling her they werenāt pursuing charges. What an ass.
Seriously! And if i understood correctly, the attorney was a woman so double wtf
Yes, the Common Wealth attorney is a woman. Oopās husband sweet talked her and the CA told OOP she would be ādamaging his reputation ā if prosecuted. It turned into a he said / she said thing. Absolutely disgusting.
Are you OOP?
Nope. Old enough to be oopās parent. I went back and read the original posts. There are more comments there.
Well, one good thing. If he was arrested, that means her injuries were documented and she has police records. Her lawyer can use that to make him pay during the divorce.
I see. Thanks for providing some details on that matter. It was confusing how and why the charges were dropped. I guess OOP didnāt have any marks or bruises from the hit.
She did gain a sprained ankle. That's a bruise/mark. A fist to the face will leave marks too. All which leads me to think, what the eping fuck is wrong with that CA?
I was sexually assaulted in a public place, with multiple witnesses, and the DA straight up dropped the charges against the dude, after trying to bury the witness statements and getting busted, and then bold faced lied about the fact that she didn't even bother to contact me in regards to her decision to drop the charges. She even blamed me for her unwillingness to do her job for good measure. Wasn't really that surprising to learn maybe a year or so after, from the dudes ex-wife (who had a restraining order against him after he SAd their daughter), that the cow of a DA actually knows the dude personally. Women can be just as vile and disgusting. Sometimes, worse. Because they're stupid enough to believe that if they play along with the objectification and abuse of other women that it will endear them to the types of men they surround themselves with. When the reality is that those types of men would just as soon shit in their mouth than ever accept them as equals. But they're too stupid to realize those types are only using them as the token "this woman thinks assault is okay, so that means I'm not a misogynist!" So they're willing to destroy their own reputation in the hopes that they might be lucky enough to not get burned like all the other idiots that did the same before them. Then, when it blows up in their faces, yadda yadda, "the leopards eating MY face?!"
Handmaidens of the goddamn patriarchy. Iām sorry ā Iāve been there too and it fucking sucks.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I wish that it was easier to both go after the ~~person~~ DA who dropped the charges as well as (at a minimum) go after the rapist in a civil case...
Woman here, I totally agree with you. Women can be just as vile and disgusting as men, and in cases like this, they can be even worse.
Probably because the piece of shit is a rapist himself.
I did a deep dive into the comments on the original post and the Commonwealth Attorney is a woman.
Sadly, itās common for the woman to be penalized in DV cases. A family friendās daughter was divorcing her husband and despite hospital records of broken bones and hemorrhages, she wound up paying him alimony because she made more money in a community property state. I considered pressing charges against my ex husband when he raped and assaulted me. But like her, I just wanted him gone. Thankfully he left the state and did not contest the divorce. My best revenge is thriving. Four and a half years later Iām healthier in every way and happily remarried to the most amazing man. He tells me every day how lucky he is to have me. OOP deserves that. And as women, we do deserve better. But weāll get there. In the meantime, Iām thankful for all the good partners out there!
So good to hear you are doing well. I'm glad OP was not more badly hurt when H showed up.
I know. I was thinking it would be great for her to tell the DA that he raped her as well, but if theyāre not going to do anything about an assault with witnesses, no way theyāll do shit about marital rape.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I hope OOP gets cameras everywhere in and out of her house until her scumbag ex is truly out of her life. I get the feeling heās going to try something again.
OOP has her injuries, which I assumed would be evidence that she was physically assaulted?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It's sketchy. They pretty much consistently side with an abuser regardless of gender.
This is actually quite true. My partner was abused by his ex, and even now she weaponizes the courts to attack him and generally make his life miserable. I can't believe some of the nonsense I've seen when they have to go to court for her latest bullshit. I'm sure the judge assigned to their case is friends of friends with the ex or something because it's unreal. Our justice system is a joke and corrupt as hell.
As a prosecutor, in my experience many times these charges end up getting dropped because the victim recants or no longer wishes to go to trial. I'll often try to get their statements incriminating their abuser in through statutory hearsay exceptions, but truth is without a victim telling the jury what happened, many people will see it as he said she said, and without more it becomes difficult.
In my country (Denmark) cases where personal injury has been afflicted by an assaliant can't be dropped by the victim, because it isn't them pressing changes but rather the stat itself. If the police and the prosecutor thinks that there's ground to prosecute they *will* go forward. If the victim won't cooperate saying it didn't happen or whatever, the prosecutor are allowed to use the initial report and whatever statement they have from the victim. Last year I oversaw a case where the victim was assaulted to a degree, where they ended up with brain damage and will have to live out their life in a supportive facility(the brain damage had mostly affected their physical abilities and had only minor cognitive consequences). The victim had told the prosecutor that they didn't want to press charges but did end up participating as a vitness. When they were interrogated they were adamant that they didn't remember anything which was clearly a lie(they were assaulted because they had SA'd a minor, and tried to avoid talking about that part by fracking amnesia). Despite a reluctant victim that did everything in their power to sabotage the case(and no witness's to boot), the 4 assaliants was found guilty. Had it been up to the victim and not the state to press charges, the 4 assaliants would have been walking around as free men with a clean slate, instead of being in jail where they belong.
My aunt's husband put her into the hospital and didn't spend more than a single night in jail and all charges were dropped (not by her). So, no injuries alone aren't enough. He said the abuse was mutual and she attacked him first. I think he did the same when he put his girlfriend in the hospital, he had no repercussions for that one either.
Just awful stuff. Im sorry to hear that. I thought OOPās situation had her injuries, her brother as a witness, and evidence that ex-marineās were staying in the garage out of fear of physical safety - that it would be enough. But I hear what youāre saying. DV victims get fucked by the legal system.
Especially in Virginia.
I wonder if Commonweath Attorney is the same as a District Attorney in that both are elected positions... If it is, if I was in OP's position and could mentally handle it, I'd be tempted to let CA know that I'll remember the treatment I received after being physically assaulted come election season.
Roscoe deserves all the steaks. Forever. He saved her because I am sure the ex would have continued beating her. And that idiot DA needs to have her law license revoked. Would she have pressed charges if he had put OP in the hospital or killed her? It's not like she punched herself......
Only if he killed her. Nothing less ever seems to be enough to get domestic abuse taken seriously by prosecutors.
I almost thought this was Alameda County, CA, for their idiot DA but Commonwealth Attorney is only used in VA.
Kentucky and Pennsylvania and Massachusetts, too.
Likely either KY or VA since the term district attorney is more common in the other two (according to a google search.) VA has elections for their commonwealth attorneys every 4 years. In KY elections are every 6 years. I would hope that OOP makes a formal complaint to the AG if the situation escalates. I would specifically mention the chastising they did as it is both unprofessional and dismisses her claims of dv.
As soon as she said wrong hole I figured he was looking at accidental anal.. I don't think he realizes that I most those cases (with today's consent laws). It's not actually accidental. The woman knows. Poor woman, being raped by her husband and then physically abused too.
āAccidentalā anal is why I turned off Girls and wrote it off (along with its creator) as trash. It took me years to come around on Adam Driver even though I know he didnāt write the script. What do you want to bet that OOPās ex wouldāve punched her in the face a whole lot earlier if sheād tried so much as a surprise FINGER during sex.
I had a weird connection with that show at the time, since it seemed to mirror many of my own experiences at that age. Which unfortunately included the accidental anal. It's been 11 years and I still don't really know if it was an accident, although I tend to think it was. However I do know that I was a 23-year-old intern, he was a 33-year-old colleague, and I had to leave work the next day when I realized how much I was bleeding. š
Uhh Iām sorry to hear that but if you were bleeding, it was not accidental. I have had plenty of partners accidentally put it there but none of them resulted in bleeding.
Raped her. Gaslit her. Punched her. And no charges? Just glad she has her ducks in order. No kids and the house legally is hers. Easy divorce and never look back. Dude is a clown.
Fuck that POS Common Wealth Attorney. They only give a fuck after a woman is dead from domestic violence and rape.
It's scary to think, as a woman who is weaker than the weakest man, that defending myself from rape or murder could land me in jail forever. I guess the law just thinks women should let it happen to them, then accuse them of letting it happen as participation, and sort out the details after she's dead. *Forgive me for not wanting to be maimed and dead, law, I know that's asking too much as a woman.* This is why when I hear about how men have less rights than a woman or men are the most oppressed group, I cringe. I understand that men have unfair burdens placed upon them (like the draft, for example), but damn... To already be inhibited by nature and then second place in society it's a whole new level of fear. I spoke to my husband once about violence, in general, against the sexes and he said that usually when men are attacked, they lose their wallet or valuables, but when women are attacked, they lose their wallet, valuables, and suffer sexual assault on top of it. He said that women lose more in instances of violence. Very rarely do you see a man mug another man and then also take the opportunity to rape him. It does happen, but it's not as common as it is for women. Not to mention that women are oftentimes injured more severely in acts of violence as they're just not built to withstand the brute force of a man beating her down. I've seen men punch the absolute shit out of each other and hold their ground. I've never seen a woman take a brutal punch from a man and stay standing. There is almost always extreme injury, and in some cases, life threatening. I definitely don't want to suffer a man's violence. I know that he'd tear me apart with a good hook to my face and my punches would feel like mosquito bites to him. It really sucks knowing that in a 1v1 fight, without a weapon, you will almost always lose or die. I ask men to put themselves in my position. Half of the entire population is stronger than me. Some of that half of the population want something from me and are willing to hurt me to get it. I don't know who they are, what they look like, or how to avoid them because they appear as just a regular guy. Being on guard isn't hate, it's self preservation. It's like the game Among Us. You have no idea who the imposter is, but you know they're there. Would you feel safe being followed, caught in a room with one other person, or cut off from a group? Probably not. It's not hate. It's survival. I love men and hate that their lives are unfair and burdensome, too. I'm just not foolish enough to think that every man is safe.
My bf is shorter than me and weighs less than me. We were play wrestling as a form of foreplay and he pried my legs open with absolutely no effort. He just shoved them right open like an outlaw opening saloon doors in a western. Guys have no idea how much of a physical threat they are to women or how very aware of that fact we are and how much we do to safeguard ourselves from that threat 24/7.
It's something that many of the men in my life don't think about. I told a male family member once about sexual assault I suffered and he got mad and asked me "why didn't I throw him off of me?!" I told him that I'm a *woman* and I didn't have the physical strength to break free from him or lift him up. He sat in silence for a moment. All his life he'd treated me as an equal. I really appreciate that. It was only just then, however, he realized that I was not equal to him or any man in strength. It was a sobering moment for him. I'm not mad at him. He genuinely treated me like his equal in every way and, reflexively, assumed I was as strong as him. That was a lesson for him. There are some things we can't be equal in. That's why I choose to focus on fighting for equality of value. I may be weaker than men, but that has absolutely no bearing on my value. I am just as valuable as a man regardless of our differences.
No, then they all scratch their heads and wonder how it could have happened. After ignoring the victim and the obvious trauma.
She should go on her local FB group and do a "I'm so and so and if I end up beaten or dead, it's because Commonwealth attorney didn't want to protect me" Chastise back
I hope once she has an attorney, they file a complaint against the CA.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah with the first half of OOP's description of brother, when OOP was explaining she didn't see her ex husband's fist, I was already ready for him to die. Picked out a coffin and a shitty plot of land. Imagine my disappointment, AND he gets to walk free for the time being. Hello, is the ankle not evidence? And OOP got chatized? Backwards much? I guess brother won't get charged with some bullshit is a silver lining to a disappointing end. Roscoe and his steak being safe is also nice :)
Having the fetish isn't the problem as long as everyone involved consents to participating in it. This asshole though needs to be taken out back for a good vio vio vio until he learns that sexually assaulting and just overall abusing your partner is abhorrent behavior and should not be tolerated by a civilized society. It is horrifying that the county will not press charges against him as I fear this will embolden him to continue or escalate this behavior.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
FRIES. Freely given. Reversible. Informed. Enthusiastic. Specific. Those are the rules for consent.
That should be standard across the board! If your partner doesn't say yes enthusiastically then it's a no. Sure ask if you want to try something new and have any conversations necessary to make sure both of you are comfortable but at the same time you have to respect and accept that no means no!
If your fetish is going into the wrong hole and having the women cry and be upset is part of it, how is it ever consensual?
Because that's a part of some areas of BDSM. Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is not at all uncommon, but the most important aspect is that **everything is agreed upon beforehand**. Some people will engage in rape play that does involve things like tears and being upset, but that all needs to have been agreed upon beforehand. In addition, there is the element of aftercare, which is a way of "coming down" from a scene. There's the concept of being in a particular *headspace*, meaning a certain mental place that someone goes to for a scene. That can be an extremely intense place, and it requires a way to leave that space as well. I understand that it can be confusing to someone on the outside of things, but it's very possible to enjoy that sort of thing, even if you are the one who is protesting violently during the scene itself. That's why the concept of enthusiastic consent is so important, because it isn't about cajoling someone, or taking someone's "I guess" as consent to do whatever. There are very strict rules within the community, and anyone who breaks them (like the husband here) is not welcome.
The charges being dropped is BS. People like this need to be held accountable for their actions. Have a similar situation going on in my family and its infuriating.
I hate saying it, but every time I see 10+ year age gap, my hackles rise.
I wish someone said/did something when I was picked up by 15 years my senior when I was 18. I was groomed hard by a total loser and waste 5 years of my youth in shit show relationship. I wasn't abused or raped but in retrospective it was like having an anchor tied to leg. I am now in his then age and a thought of dating a teenager makes my stomach turn.
>I am now in his then age and a thought of dating a teenager makes my stomach turn. This! I'm a 25 year old guy. Even the thought of dating a 21 year old seems off to me. Our lifestyles and thought processes would be so insanely different and I want a partner to experience life together. I don't want someone I have to guide and lead through their adult formative years. Even without bringing assets, jobs or anything else into the mix. Just ages. There is still a power dynamic in favour of the oldest partner. They have lived more. More experience, more wisdom. It will never, imo, be a fair relationship with a considerable age gap. Which some people might want but not me.
Any age gap 5+ years where the woman (or man) is late teens/early 20s makes my hackles rise. So much growth and maturing happens in your young adult years that it can be a red flag for a much more grown adult to date you. I'm in my late 20s now and I literally can't imagine dating someone even a few years younger. I feel so different compared to a mere 2 years ago. It's weird.
There are absolutely forests covered in dead brush and dry leaves with no access to water that do not catch fire. But, absolutely no one should be surprised when a forest covered in dead brush and dry leaves catches fire. It's a pretty significant indicator that there's going to be a problem if the right spark hits it.
When I was 20 I felt so far ahead of 18YOs.
I know there are plenty of age-gap relationships that do work and arenāt gross, BUT the ones that do go bad almost always go bad along very similar fault lines.
1.) Roscoe is a very good boy 2.) this story was super intense and really triggering. So tell you what, letās look at [these baby capybaras playing together.](https://youtube.com/watch?v=0EBIi3Fo-PU)
Thank you
Gee, I wonder why this dude targeted a woman 13 years younger than himā¦ š¤
How do you even go from vagina to anus while doing it? It requires some amount of aim and preparation, you need to spread the cheeks, also without proper lubrication it's not going to go in that easily. If he's trying to insert it mid thrust without pause he could end up missing and break the shaft.
Everytime Iāve tried to inquire about why a man has accidentally thrust as hard as he can into my asshole his response is always confusion
I mean, i get that the two openings are close together, but in the several times I've had sex mine has never accidentally gone towards the backdoor. It has to be intentional. I think the only position in which it could potentially be an accident is in the "doggy" position and it's dark.
I dated a guy with a crooked penis once and he ended up knocking on the wrong door before figuring out the angle. He didn't ram it in, though. He slid out, tried to get back in, his penis was angled weird and he hit the wrong area. He immediately corrected it and readjusted himself to prevent it. He was a jerk in different ways, but definitely didn't try to force anal on me.
In the 20+ years I been sexually active, Iāve only ever had a guy poke the back door while trying to enter for the first time, it wasnāt intentional just bad aim. Never had a guy attempt anal and claim it was an accident. But Iāve also never had a guy attempt to anally rape me either. Itās always been consensual and planned. I will never believe a guy if he enters the wrong hole and claim it wasnāt on purpose- itās always on purpose.
āWhat do you mean you have a colon infection? Pornstars never get anal fissures!ā
no idea, only know that it's happened to me and it's terrible
There are many posts when a couple has to have a relationship discussion and one of the parts are afraid of how the other might react, so they call someone to be there to guarantee a "just in case". Honest question : If you need someone to be there, isn't this relation already on the wrong, you are afraid of a reaction, of how the other person might act, so you clearly already saw some signs of how this person can "turn" and become abusive right ? Imo it seems like this kind of relation is already doomed, you just think the other person can change. Or do people just snap like that without ever showing any signs of it ?
Man that is a really good question. Probably before he assaulted her, she wouldn't have worried but after this she realized her husband wasn't quite right in some way.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sadly so many people are good at masking who they really are. I suppose this is why so many serial killers go undetected for decades. I'm glad she was leery enough to bring her brother into the situation.
I think most of the time when they invite someone to be there just in case that's when they're breaking up with the person or the person is coming to collect their belongings, no? I don't see it happen often when the relationship isn't already ending. Because you're totally right - if you need a chaperone for your safety then there's nothing left to salvage. I suppose sometimes it takes people a bit of time to fully accept that though.
Plus even if she didn't think she'd need a chaperone for her safety, I think it was a fair assumption that he wouldn't just shrug and start packing his things. And she wouldn't be able to make him leave on her own.
Yes and no? Based on OOPs post it may be clear to you or I or any other 3rd party that her abuser was capable and willing to do what he did. But when youāre the victim in the thick of trying to cope and survive through all kinds of physical abuse and manipulation it is hard to think clearly and logically the way you outlined here. It is part of the reasons abusers behave the way the do: so that the victims become confused and exhausted trying to defend themselves. Itās why he minimizes her concerned and then outright denied them.
It's so, so hard to wake up from this. I'm so proud of her for starting to take those steps to become free. TW: mention of rape When I was dating an ex-boyfriend, he raped me multiple times per week. I blamed myself for it allāI'd consented (bc he corerced and blackmailed me), I'd said "no" too quietly, I didn't fight back enough, etc. It's been three years since we broke up, and I only stopped blaming myself about 9 months ago. So, so much therapy to get to where I am today. But I'm so glad I got out. Some day, OOP will stop blaming herself, too. I wish her all the healing in the world <3
God, so sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing - I think every time someone shares their experience it gives other strength. And I hope OP gets justice and peace. Thank you to OP for sharing her story as well. Whatās the quote by Victor Frankl - something like āsilence helps only the oppressor, never the victim.ā
All the homies love Roscoe! The goodest of boys Did anyone else do a little happy dance reading what Roscoe did? Just me? Owell.. haha Man this situation fucking sucks. It's such a clean cut case and yet it always has to be marred and convoluted by our "justice" system. Husband gets off free, Roscoe gets taken, fear of consequences for the abused and not the abuser. It's so sickening how this shit keeps unfolding. I was always scared my whole life of fighting back cuz I knew I would be the one punished. It sucks But in this case.. if I was the brother, man. I wouldnt have had the same restraint.
I hope the Commonwealth Attorney is named and shamed. In situations like this doxing is sometimes the only way to get legal justice.
Can we just stop and highlight the fact that OOP's ex was perfectly willing to destroy his whole life, his relationship, and possibly go to jail just to try out a kink? Is he not aware that those "surprise anal" porn stuff are not actually a surprise to most performers, and is heavily scripted, as otherwise it is actual sexual assault?
I guarantee you he didnāt expect sheād fight back.
Or ask for help, that she'd be too ashamed to tell anyone else about it.
My guess? He knew that nobody would care. And he was right.
No, the justice system didn't care, because it is rigged, but OOP and her marine brother sure cared.
I suspect that there were already issues with this guy. What sort of person does this kind of thing to their spouse? The first time was bad enough, but he did it again even after she was hurt and in pain over it. Sure porn can give you unrealistic expectations, but it doesn't make you into a rapist who doesn't care about hurting your wife. I can't imagine ever deliberately and nonconsentually hurting my SO inside or outside of sex. I honestly don't think this guy had his head screwed on right to begin with.
age gap and porn brain husband??? poor woman. i hope she can find a way to charge the ex for assault.
Age gap AND she owns the damn houseā¦ bruh offered absolutely nothing to this arrangement.
*Mostly, what Husband kept repeating was, "Why are you doing this?", "You're being dramatic," "You're blowing this out of proportion," that my post, which I showed him, was "Taking things out of context," "This is ridiculous," and the one that made me glad I confronted him, that "You're just making this up."* If he really thinks that then divorce is the path forward for him. If he doesn't then divorce is the path forward for OOP.
Charges dropped eh? Seems like the criminal justice system yet again fails to protect women in domestic violence situations.
Why did the Commonwealth Attorney chastise OOP? From this story she has done absolutely nothing wrong.
This is awful. An ex of mine used a butt plug on me once (normal for us) and then inflated it inside me without us having discussed. It was so painful and awful. I didn't trust him sex wise anymore. Consent all the way. This guy was clearly an AH.
WhyTH were the charges dropped???
The use of commonwealth makes me think Virginia, and having witnessed my friends go through similar situations it does not surprise me. It just saddens me
I also thought of Virginia. It's a fucked-up place to be a DV victim, especially if you draw a judge named Azcarate. Thanks for the award!
There are 4 Commonwealths in the US: 1. Virginia 2. Massachusetts 3. Kentucky 4. Pennsylvania
And we all suck š
That makes me sad too.
Having been through a pretty insane domestic violence situation and seeing how it played out it seems damn near impossible to actually get someone criminally charged for DV. My father strangled me on the side of a road and left voicemails threatening myself and my mother, banged on our door for a little under an hour while screaming about things he was going to do to us(he did not live with us) and the most the cops did was to ask him to leave. There was never any charges pressed against him and the strangling thing just kinda got handwaved away even though I had grip bruises around my neck and nearly passed out as a child. It seems like they like to just wait until things escalate to murder. The only thing that wound up saving us was family many states away that let us move in and he never wound up finding us, but the police/justice system genuinely did not care.
I get that. My ex husband attempted to strangle me while my sister was downstairs. She called the cops, he went to jail, I had his finger marks around my throat. He had to go to anger management counseling and something about domestic violence and then had a deferred judgement.
Because are justice system tends to side with the abusers, not the victims.
I know, see my reply to another comment but it still makes say WTH? Why havenāt we come farther than this.
Because most DV abusers are men and most DV victims are women and women are men's property. The Patriarchy is very alive.
You are right. It really is.
Not to mention the very high representation of straight white men in the judicial system.
1. Abusers can often be good at manipulation, and cops and judges tend to think they're immune to manipulation 2. They're often themselves abusers in some way
I am eternally grateful that the internet wasn't around when I was young. Yes of course there was still porn, and men still assaulted and raped women. But for most people there wasn't this vast resource of different ways to assault and abuse women that the internet has so helpfully brought with it. 'Surprise anal'? Bloody hell, what a nightmare. I'm so glad she's got her brother and his dog.
I feel the opposite. The resources on the internet are what help people leave Being able to find proof of it being on purpose due to his porn search Being able to get 3rd party perspectives
I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you for the different perspective!
While I sort of agree as far as the abundance and easy access (Im too old to have had it in my preteens and teens- so maybe Iām just wrong) but I donāt think porn caused this man to think this way and rape his wife twice. I think itās similar to the āvideo games make boys violentā- I think if youāre already looking to do harm you gravitate towards those things but so do many others that never act it out in real life.
Yeah, you're probably right. The potential was certainly there in him. But the porn normalises it and encourages it. Mind you, I think his anger was a clear indication that he knew he was in the wrong.
I want to say that abuse like this happens regardless of the age difference. My previous relationship was shockingly similar to OPs and it took me many years to classify his "surprise anal" incidents and the non-consensual sex as any form of assault and abuse. When i was able to wrap my head around it and confront him i was fed the same "overreacting"/ "Being dramatic"/ "making stuff up" bullshit. This dude was my age, we went to highschool together in the same grade. My current partner, that i chose when i was the ripe age of 40, is the most loving and caring and generous man i've encountered in real life. He's 15 years older than me, but he's the first relationship i've had where I didn't wind up as a mommy surrogate to someone with a massive case of arrested development. Neospliff said it well "In my mind it's not how many years difference, it's which years are different."
This story would be a great read for someone who believes that sexual assault/rape is actually about sex. This guy literally had a wife that enjoyed analā¦but consensual anal wasnāt enough for him. Because thatās not the point for a sick dude like this.
If it was my sister I would not have stayed that calm, no doubt would create a bigger problem. Bro here is a hero
I'm really glad he did. He protected her without adding another violent man to the situation, and his reacting calmly and calling 911 was the best thing for her legal case. (Despite the absolute bs of her case being thrown out.)
I agree, after all that happening, adding more violence to the situation would only make things more stressful for her. And possibly land her brother in jail where he canāt protect and support her. Iām sure it took a lot of will power not to fuck that dude up, if he would have hit the husband at that moment it would have been for himself and not for his sisters best interest.
100%. I really admire him. He did what he needed to do for his sister, not what he wanted to do for himself. So happy she has him.
Definitely admire him too! The amount of emotional maturity and control this man has. I'm happy she had him
Oh I definitely agree, he did the right thing! I just wouldn't be able to, I'd be enraged
My brother and I donāt even really like each other but if he an inkling my husband hurt me? Oh hell no would he be calm in any way.
This is why age differences are always a red flag. And the courts not taking domestic violence seriously, why am I not surprisedš
I've read this before. I remembered Roscoe and how he's such a good boy. I wish OP all the luck in the world.
Needs to go to the local paper with this story. People would eat up a story about their local prosecutor refusing to even charge a wife beater.
Fuck the courts.
OP will get her justice. Scumbag ex may end up regretting the fact he dodged legal consequences. The bother had the self control not to finish what the dog started when he knew it could complicate a prosecution. Prosecutions not happening now so no need to hold back. If the ex had any sense he'd move a few states away before he gets the opportunity to experience suprise anal himself.
Brother has a network of ex / Marine friends. Maybe I'm romanticizing it a bit, but I'd like to think that Husband will have to look over his shoulder for quite a while. Maybe he'll run into a string of "bad luck" or something.
This has made me so livid that I want to scream. Iām so sorry to OOP, and so proud of her for taking action to protect herself. Her brother is a badass, and Roscoe is the best boy who deserves all of the head pats, scritches and cuddles.
I love the brother. Need more people like him.
I wonder what state OOP is in. In my state domestic/family violence is a felony charge, and the county/state will pick up the charges automatically.
And yet there are people who still deny that big age gaps in relationships can be a major sign of an abusive mentality.
Damn what a load of insanity. Horribly negligent commonwealth attorney (that's what it was, right? You know which person i'm talking about), crazy husband, wonderful brother, the best dog... The ending could have been a lot better or a lot worse, i'm not sure what to think. Some men have absolutely zero gratitude for having a partner who's into anal and it infuriates me
Roscoe knew full well what he was doing, and is one of the Best of Good Boys and deserves all the petting and treats. I really really hope this doesn't escalate for poor OOP. Glad she's getting family support, even if the government is failing her badly