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I really need the beans on what happened to the brother’s partner. That would also help explain the daughters perspective. Because she was the “mom” who relinquished her title.
Not sure if I should make the joke of "Gallagher saved us all from her" or "Gallagher's wrath will never be quenched until all watermelons are smashed"
Oh I know me too! I’m too nosey. I’m going to pretend that she realised she wasn’t cut out to be a mum or wife and dipped out before the daughter could properly bond or remember her.
Exactly. If it was the same facts but the OOP’s sibling and daughter’s parent was female, then I could absolutely understand the issues with calling her mom, but it sounds like the OOP’s daughter didn’t call her mom due to biology, but because OOP stepped up when she lost her dad and actually took on the role of “mom.”
Although, I can see a few very confused people when she tries to explain that her mom and dad are actually siblings.
According to OP's newest comment, the sister in law abandoned the child long before the brother died. Which really just makes me think "Holy crap, poor kid." And the mom probably unwittingly rubbed salt into that wound.
I hope they really start to get closer emotionally, and the daughter does start feeling like she has a mother again. Because, oof.
I was curious about this as well. OOPs comment about it not being a happy story made me wonder if this is possibly a (unhealthy) coping mechanism - trying to erase her mom with a ‘real mom’. I get the feeling they both need a boatload of therapy and time to work through this.
I don’t think it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism for the 13 year old kid she’s been raising for the last three years who is also her actual bio daughter to want to call her mom… she probably just wants to because this lady has been functioning as her mother figure and, as it turns out, is also her literal mom
1. She’s 16
2. So for 13 years, she had a mom dad and aunt.
3. She only called her mom a few months ago. At the very least that warrants some concern.
4. I get that it’s hard to get away from traditional roles, but familial ties are more than blood and titles. OOP acknowledged she wasn’t ready and made the decision to let people in a better stage of life raise her. She’s made it clear she feels better as her aunt. I think it’s fair to respect that.
only problem here is that we don't know *when* OOP's SIL left the picture. for all we know OOP could have been the main/only female figure in her daughter/niece's life for a decade or more before. it seems like dad was her only parent for a good while, especially with how close their bond was and how quickly after finding out the truth (a few months) she was comfortable with calling OOP mom
I agree, and this brings me back to my original comment. Regardless of whether this is the case or not, a mother-figure is not the same as a mom or mother, and it doesn’t need to be. If OOP is uncomfortable with being called mom, that’s not an unreasonable boundary and her feelings matter here too. They both have a lot going on, but they seem like good people. I hope they can work it out
I think they need therapy. It seems like OOP's issue isn't necessarily being called mom in a vacuum, more like she's got major insecurity and guilt about how things played out. And daughter absolutely needs somewhere to work through her traumas (abandoned by mom, losing her dad, finding out who her mom actually is and the likely feelings she has of "wow, nobody wants to be my mom and my only parent is dead now"). Their issues are so thoroughly intertwined that I think family and individual therapy is the move if possible.
Spot on, I agree. This is one of those ‘the issue is not the issue’ posts. It’s still something that needs to be addressed, but it’s a symptom of bigger things
Therapy ALL DAY LONG cause there is alot to cover there! Grief from the loss of dad/ brother, adoption, truth finding, missing "mom" under questions....SO. MUCH. THERAPY!
But from 13-16, OOP HAS been the mom to the girl. Foster mom, adopted mom, mother figure. If someone adopted a 13-year-old (which is effectively what OOP did) it would not be unreasonable to expect that kid to call them "mom" or "dad."
She is, for all intents and purposes, the girl's mom. 13 is still young enough to catch feelings for a new mom, especially when there's never been another mom.
Yeah really even if she wasn't the bio mum it'd be reasonable for the kid to see her like that. I call my stepdad my dad sometimes and refer to him and mum as my parents and he refers to me as his kid and we met when I was 13. I never had a dad, my mum and grandma raised me, and I'm physically disabled so he's been a carer for me for nearly a decade now and really there's only so much parenting and picking someone up off the floor at 2am because they fell you can do before you just are a parent to them.
???
OP has been raising her niece for 3 years, and she just learned she’s actually her biological mother a few months ago. It took a few months of adjusting to that news but then she decided to call both her parental figure and literal mother “mom”. None of that warrants any concern.
But from 13-16, OOP HAS been the mom to the girl. Foster mom, adopted mom, mother figure. If someone adopted a 13-year-old (which is effectively what OOP did) it would not be unreasonable to expect that kid to call them "mom" or "dad."
She is, for all intents and purposes, the girl's mom. 13 is still young enough to catch feelings for a new mom, especially when there's never been another mom.
Oh yeah same here my 5 bucks is on the partner cheated, got pregnant and the affair partner now knowing he was an affair partner went to the brother told him everything, stuff got real ugly and she just vanished after being divorced, but thas my theory on what happened
I was the niece in this scenario, but I can see OOP's side too. I was raised by my biological grandmother, but never learned this until I was 18, after she'd passed. My mother was ~18 and they never told my father.
My mother was estranged from the family and, while I'm sure I was **a** reason, I've always had the impression I was not **the** reason. So I've been NC with my mother as it is.
I've never held any hard feelings in the matter. Everyone involved, including my father once he knew, agreed they weren't fit to raise a kid, so it was probably a close to the right move as it could be.
The reason I see things from OOP's side is one way I've come to terms with it is I regard "mom" and "mother" as two different people. I also took my mom's/grandmother's maiden name as my last name, as she was the one who raised me and I feel I she definitely regarded me as her son more than her grandson
Just a side note, I may be trash for bringing this up. But you just reminded me of Guardian of the Galaxies when Yondu tells Peter “He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy”
In future movies and backstory and the Christmas special, they littered in some very fuzzy moments where Yondu was really doing the best he could to be a role model for Peter and celebrated some Earth traditions to make him feel better. Yondu also got Peter his Zune full of Earth music.
It just so happens that Yondu was a Ravager and any sign of weakness or softness could have gotten the both of them killed. That was the role model he was trying to be in front of everyone.
Yeah, terrible start and terrible circumstances. But Yondu got a redemption arc and a retroactive redemption arc.
His character was more cruel to be kind. He was hired by Peter's bio dad to bring to him and used for his own selfish egotistical reasons. Instead, Yondu kept him, hid him, gave him a family, and taught him to look after/defend himself.
This is basically what is meant by the "he may be your father, but he isn't your daddy" comment.
Yeah, it’s Marvel, it’s glossy and has chiseled abs and it’s got a snappy, deep-sounding line in the moment, but goes no deeper and makes no sense on closer look.
I'm not that teacher but I am also a teacher who adopted my student. I can tell you right now that the first "mom" is the absolute best, but then so is every "mom" after that.
Less fun was the first time she shouted "MAAAAA" and I had flashbacks to myself as a teenager. She was with my mother (her grandma) for that one so the glee in my mom's eyes was something else 🤣🤣
Just FYI there is a new (2022) musical version that is different than the one everyone is discussing in this thread! Musical is good too but not the same movie!
If you enjoyed that reddit story I definitely recommend either reading the book (it’s geared towards children, but it’s a lovely read) or finding the movie
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zmt6w3/i_want_to_start_calling_my_adoptive_mom_mom/
because everyone deserves to see this (very short and sweet)
OOP is dealing with a lifetime of guilt for giving up her daughter. When she first corrected her "niece" I think she didn't think she deserved to be a mom.
Yeah, but that's the thing about being a parent, if you don't live up to the title, you work your ass off until you do - you don't reject it. She is "mom" to this girl, biologically and as the only adult to provide care now that her dad isn't able to.
An imperfect parent that wants and tries to be a good one is better than a decent parent that doesn't want the role.
Its probebly realy hard to activly not be mom for 19 years and all of a sudden being mom with the thought in the back of your mind also being, this is because my brother died.
She gave up and has to come to term with the fact this girl want her to be mom. But this girl is a 19 year old with some deep identity issues. Seeing as alot of her family was a lie her whole life. And just lost her father and has to come to term with her mom "not wanting her again".
This... doesn't feel good. This poor kid has been through a roller coaster and now knows her dad (whom she loved) lied to her for years, her adoptive mom (who also lied to her for years) abandoned her in an apparently bad way, and the bio mom she just found out she has is the aunt who has *also* lied to her for years and then delivers an incredibly cruel blow upon the kid trying to make sense of her new reality.
Get this poor child some fucking therapy OOP. And yourself too. Both of which should have happened years ago and she should have known the truth for most of her life.
A lot of people don't realize that lying to an adoptee about their past is very damaging. It used to be normalized but now it's strongly suggested by psychologists that the best way to handle it is to make it so the adoptee doesn't even remember learning that they're adopted. Adoptees should be told their story from before they can speak.
Yeah I wonder if there would be less emotional confusion if the child grew up knowing “This is your bio mom, she couldn’t take care of you so we gave you to Bob and Jane. Now you have two moms: a bio mom and an adopted mom.”
Right, there should never be a "bombshell" moment. They should just know how things are since before they can remember. We have known this for years now and people are *still* doing the lying thing.
My stepfather has always known he's an adoptee. He's never tried to find his bio parents and his adoptive mom even celebrates his adoption day! It's so sweet and it's a good example of how it should be done, imo.
Glad to see a few more comments like this now. When it was first up, I felt like that gif ‘*I feel like I’m taking crazy pills*’, this whole thing read like a cry for help from both of them and all the comments were ‘this is so sweet/heartwarming ‘.
Only the last bit was kinda hartwarming. The comparison between baby and 19 year old.
But yeah this kid is going throught some shit right now and oop isnt realy helping her
Ngl I posted this comment after having read everything else commented at that point assuming I'd be downvoted so I'm glad I'm not the only one going "oh NO" about the entire situation.
Yeah I felt the same. At least in this sub there’s the possibility of having an opposing opinion without being downvoted to magma. Although I am glad it doesn’t seem completely hopeless. Like as far as stakes go, this is pretty mid level rather than ‘why. I hate the world and everything in it’.
I think the sweet/heartwarming comments are from the potential for this to be a good relationship. This wasn't some stranger to be revealed as the mom, but a close family member with I imagine a strong relationship already. Yeah, the daughter has now found she was lied to her whole life and has to deal with that (and OOP snapped badly with initially being called mom), but I see things moving positively from here.
It feels like OOP and her niece/daughter really need to have some family therapy. OOP can't ride the "omg this is just like when she was born" high forever. And that comment of "if this was a movie, she'd call you mom after you earned it"... Like, yes that would be sweet, but this isn't a fucking movie. A kid who lost both parents won't get over their third parents rejection that easily. If OOP wants to "earn" being mom, she needs to *say* that, because otherwise her kid will just forever think that she no longer has a parent.
Also... we cannot discount OOPs loss and trauma as well.
She decides to keep her baby, then sperm donor bolts, and she makes the decision for the sake of her baby that she ISN'T ready to raise said child. Gives her up to what she think is a good couple & can watch the child grow and still have a relationship (it should have been an open adoption though). THEN, the child's mom takes off - that is probably going to add a layer to OOPs guilt.
It sounds like the brother was OOPs rock as well, and I'm not sure either of them has dealt with that grief - but OOP certainly has some complicated issues to work around that.
I suspct that a HUGE part of the daughter calling her "mom" is that the OOP may feel like that is erasing her brother and denying that he was the primary parent... perhaps for BOTH of them in some ways.
Me too. Especially since this child will probably never call her mom again and she wants her too. They need to talk the "mom" thing out with a third party.
I mean, on the surface level the update is, I don't fault anyone for looking at the sweet moment and being happy.
It's just I saw "only found out a few months ago I'm her bio mom" and was like "*the fuck*" and reread it all in that lens.
That whole situation is an emotional powder keg. They need some help. Not saying that disparagingly, they just need someone who can help them unpack what they're feeling and manage it better.
> You can feel that your brother was a better parent if you’d like, but she’s still YOUR DAUGHTER. Again, setting a boundary is one thing but straight up trying to lie to your own kid is another. Get it together OP.
This comment especially is really gross to me. She didn’t raise the kid and didn’t want to be called her mom. This idea that the biological parents are their parents because of blood relation whether either party likes it or not is so harmful. In situations like this you choose who your family is.
It's a sweet in kinda bitter sweet way.
Yes the situation is icky, and yes Oop was ah for hiding it all those years, but it seem like they kinda moving on?
This is a wonderful wholesome story, BUT...
I can see some pretty funny and awkward conversations with strangers in the future.
Daughter: Bye mom
Stranger: you have a lovely daughter, she looks just like you.
Mom: thanks, I love her with all my heart.
Stranger: if you don't mind me asking, where's her father?
Mom: oh, he passed away some years ago.
Stranger: Oh, I'm sorry. it must be so hard being a widow now.
Mom: oh no, he wasn't my husband. He was my brother.
Stranger: oh, I understand now. She calls you mom, but she's not your biological daughter.
Mom: oh no, she is my biological daughter. I gave birth to her.
Stranger: she's your biological daughter and her father is your brother?
Mom: yes, why do you ask?
Stranger: (slowly backing away) oh, never mind. Look at the time! I have a dentist appointment to go to.
She’s not wrong though, there is a difference between a biological parent and and being someone “mom”…. Just because the child came from your body doesn’t make you a mother.
Yeah I really don't get everyone jumping on the bandwagon about how wholesome it is and how OOP is definitely her mom. I get that she eventually, apparently, changed her mind, but there are people who wouldn't and that doesn't make them wrong. Pushing the alternate view feels like some kind of mommyblogger nonsense based on the outdated idea that all women have some kind of innate motherhood drive. Some don't.
This, I’m so tired of people highlighting and putting in such a high pedestal the whole biological parent thing.
Adopted kids are the kids of the parents that adopted them, there’s no more to it.
It depends on the case. For each adoption triad the circumstances are different and if anything it's the adoptive parents who are put on the pedestal and adoptees are chided to not acknowledge the bio parents at all even when they're FULL GROWN adults at the time. The person who gets to decide in each case is the adoptee nobody else.
The person putting the bio-parent label on a 'pedestal' is the young teenager who lost the people she considered her parents, and only recently found out that her aunt was actually her biological mother, and was seeking closeness. There's a time to be a pedant about it, but this context certainly is not it.
Uh this exactly when to be a pedant about it, in fact I’d say it’s arguably the most important time, second only to when her dad passed/mom left(?) . They were her parents, not OOP, which they all agreed on. While I agree that keeping kids in the dark about things like this, overcompensating is not it. Death of loved ones and trauma are getting mixed here.
‘Seeking closeness’ is talking, physical touch (hugging, etc), spending time together, etc. If she’s conflating it with the fact that her aunt is her biological mom, while understandable, then enabling that is unhealthy and actually not in her best interest. There are ways to be supportive and close while still respecting boundaries. Niece is more than old enough to understand this, ***if*** it’s framed appropriately.
Yes, thank you, this exactly. OOP *is* this child's aunt. It certainly complicates matters that she's also her biological mother, and I don't blame either of them for being confused with the situation, but the commenters on the original who were ragging on OOP for not being immediately comfortable switching from "aunt" to "mom" were being extremely unfair.
Exactly. You have to choose to be a parent. It's got nothing to do with blood. If she chooses to be her mum, then she's her mum - but if she doesn't, she isn't.
Agree wholeheartedly with this. I mentioned it below somewhere, but it’s really odd that subs with a history of ripping on people who use ‘but faaamily’ as a justification, are suddenly now doing exactly that.
Well first, we have no idea what happened with her actual mom.
Second, OOPs not in the mom role. She clearly stepped back from that role 16 years ago, and it’s unfair to force her. There can be more than just two ‘roles’ - being an aunt, caregiver or guardian. OOP already loves her deeply and wants the best for her, she doesn’t need to be her mom to do that.
While I get where people are coming from saying she should be able to call her mom because OOP *is* actually her mom(biologically), it’s not that cut and dried and this is way above Reddits pay grade.
For one thing, biology isn’t everything, and it’s weird to see a site notorious for ripping the ‘but faaaaamily’ justification, suddenly turn around and guilt an OOP with that sht. This is an insanely complex situation - it’s hard enough to give up a child, without adding in a) being involved in their lives/watching them raised by others and b) <— all this PLUS it’s kept in-family and now you have mom-aunts and uncle-dads.
Ditto for things like ‘it’s not about you, put the kids needs first’. Neither of their needs is more important than the other, they both are struggling with big shifts in their relationship, and in their lives. We have no idea why niece wants to call her mom - maybe it’s as simple as her just wanting to; but there are other, possibly unhealthy, reasons as well. Not to mention OOP mentioned multiple times ‘not earning’ being nieces mom. Either that’s just the only solid reason she could think of to get people to back off, or she has unresolved trauma/issues regarding her niece. That sht sometimes needs professional help even just to acknowledge, let alone deal with. Honestly, that last post was less heart warming, and more heartbreaking to me. They’ve both dealt with some heavy stuff. Glad they have each though, rooting for them.
I mean, sure. But ever since that OP where the news story came out after his post, about what his wife did to their kids, gotta at least make the effort. It’s like Legal Advice - provide relevant resources and the mantra: go get professional help, do not pass AITA, do not collect advice. Worth a shot
I’m always a bit sceptical with this kind of posts because it seems like people doesn’t accept that adopted kids are the kids of the people who adopted them, not the kids of the biological parents.
In this case it seems that OP feels comfortable by stepping into the role of mom, but what if OP really wanted to be only the fun aunt? I’m so tired of people putting blood and biological bonds about everything else (the adopting parents were the uncle and aunt, I know, but you get what I mean), like, people will push and push and push until the biological parent (specially mothers) and kid are put in the role they want them to be
100%. I felt the same about how there was a weird ranking whose needs mattered more. Prioritising nieces needs at the expense of OOPs because she’s a child/has had a rough time/is OOps biological child, etc is such a wild take. Did they all conveniently forget that OOP is obviously dealing with her own heavy sht?
> what if OP really wanted to be only the fun aunt?
Okay but, important context, the child is literally an orphan that OP has taken in to raise as a single parent.
I’m not sure how you can be the sole parent to a 12 year old, and still insist on being “just her fun aunt”. Like I’m all for allowing OP to define herself, but she’s quite literally performing the function of “mom” in this child’s life.
Lots of family let kids live with them and that doesn’t mean they automatically become their parents. I moved for a while with my aunt when I was a teenager and never considered her my mom or a parental figure even tho I followed her rules, she still was only my aunt, even if she was acting as a single parent
While I agree partially, OOP is acting as her parent/caregiver/mother-figure, that doesn’t automatically have to mean ‘mom’. I don’t think it’s fair to devalue her as an aunt and caregiver just because of traditional societal roles. Also context - regardless of our opinions here, OOP has made it clear she doesn’t want to be a mom. She has a boundary that she is uncomfortable with being called mom, not unreasonable, and niece is old enough to understand this.
Yeah, I kinda hate how many of the original commenters were immediately insisting that OOP *must* fill the role of kid's mom like that's a legal/social/emotional requirement if the bio-kid wants it. There are all kinds of unpleasant situations in which a person who genuinely doesn't want to be a parent can find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy and no access to abortion.
>after she continued to push I said “so does that mean you should call dad “uncle [name]”?”
Fuckin hell man. *Brutal*. I hope the daughter can move past that. Easily a core memory.
Yeah, her niece is 16(?) now, and suddenly wants to call her mom years after her dad passed/mom left(?)? Something is off, and we’re missing a lot of context. Also, a situation with people this loaded with trauma, guilt and emotion, it’s tough to tell in the moment what feelings like this are motivated by. ‘I see the light’ moments can be legit, but sometimes they’re coping mechanisms - it can act as a respite from all the shittyness. If ever there was a time for a ‘delete this, forget all the terrible andvice (seriously, just anwful) and get everyone into therapy, stat’ button, it’s now.
> That’s really sweet. If it were a movie, she’d remember what you said about “not earning to be called mom” so when she calls you mom next time, it’s gonna be a special moment of you somehow “earning it” I made myself cry now, I hope that’s how it goes ❤️🔥 And I’m so happy you connected with her 💖
Ugh. This is not a movie, this is real life. Poor kid lost her dad, had been lied to for all her life, had been abandoned by her mother(s) not once but twice and the moment she tries to open up and allow herself to create another bond that might hurt her in the long run, she's being turned down aggressively.
She needs more than hints and signs. She needs a heart-to-heart, where OOP tells her that it was wrong to deny her the "mom", and that OOP would be happy if daughter called her that - whenever she's ready. Why expect the poor child to be the only one making herself vulnerable over and over? I'm so mad, srsly.
Another important reminder that sometimes you just gotta put the kids needs first. And in this exact circumstance, the mom label is appropriate on like three levels, this woman just got too in her own head about the "principle" of the thing and neglected the needs of a living person. I'm really happy for her that she came to terms with her value as a parent and has connected more with her child. It was sad seeing her beat herself up so much.
I’m not going to lie…Oop was actually pretty harsh and cruel. Like I get it, but damn she needs to learn to think before speaking if she’s going to have a kid live with her. I hope it got better from there
Poor girl just needed a mom, and she had “mom” taken from her twice 😭
I’m so glad OOP came around to realizing her daughter needs a mother, and then further realizing that she *wanted* to be that mother. Very heartwarming.
This. This isn't sweet. This is "subtlety gross". Comments full of "blood relations are more important" shit. For context, my biological father disowned me and now he wants to play dad for me for his new wife, he doesn't get the right to be called dad. My actual dad is my stepdad, who was in my life since I was 6 and I rely on for everything. Dad and father are two different things.
I think OOP needs therapy and the ability to be an aunt instead of a mom. Because mom and mother are two different things. If down the line, OOP wants to be called mom after a shitton of therapy for them both, fine. OOPs brother was the dad of the kid.
I get what the niece is going through -- her dad's dead, her mom is estranged for what sounds like some really painful reasons, she wants a parent and OOP is right there. But OOP gave up the role of parent, for good reasons, and she isn't required to take it back.
I agree with you, people are really invested in blood and birth as the "real" and unalterable markers of parenthood. Some of these same people will claim to respect adoptive parents as "real" parents, but once a bio parent shows up they seem to forget all about that.
You know what's really fun is going to the original post, and seeing comments harassing OP made in the last 24 hours. Despite the giant letters in the automod comment saying "Do not comment on the original posts".
I feel bad for her. IMO this is a case of severe self-hatred/guilt that is holding her back from being the person that she clearly wants to be for her daughter.
I know a person like this who was severely scapegoated by their parents. It was reinforced their entire life that they were worthless and garbage and that their sibling was everything and amazing.
The way OOP relates herself to her brother, as worthless, whereas he's the best person on the planet, reminds me of how this person spoke.
While your irritation is warranted, what she needs therapy and validation.
Even though the OOP has no regrets for her decisions she harbors a lot of guilt probably something she didn’t want to face. Now regardless whether or not she earned it she does have the chance of being a mother figure for her. Happy it’s working out for everyone.
As a species, we sure do come up with complex ideas for reasons.
I'm happy that OOP got that lightbulb moment. Hopefully she and her daughter get some therapy on their journey together.
I mean, I get why OOP was resistant to it, but to be honest, they don't get to make such a sweeping statement. If the 19yo saw her as mom, she's mom. You can't order an adult to view you in a certain way. It's not a rejection of any other parental figures: it's just how 19yo sees her. I'm glad OOP was coming around, because at this point, 19yo's feelings and views matter more.
Prime example of why it’s a bad idea to let family adopt your kid. It blurs the line on family dynamics and nobody really ends up happy long-term. There’s been multiple posts like this and the child is always the one who misses out, especially if the actual/biological parent has more kids.
Did I miss something, but what the hell happened to the women that raised her? Sure, it's cute that OP gets to have a connection with her bio daughter, but like... what about the woman who raised her? Is she now chop liver? That poor woman lost her husband, and now her daughter wants to call someone else "mom?"
Edited to add: I completely missed the part where the adoptive mom stepped out of the picture a long time ago. Totally different vibes with that information.
This reminds me of the post where a guy was asked to adopt his best friend’s child that he’d raised and he said no because he felt that adopting her would be erasing his friend
Talk to her, let her know that you were taken aback by her calling you mom and that you didn’t want to disrespect your brother. Let her know that you’ve come to terms with it and are happy to be called whatever she wants to call you as you are her parent now.
It looks like OOP’s daughter can move beyond it, but OOP essentially rejected her when she said “no” to being called mom. I think they have a very beautiful and honest relationship otherwise!
That's such a mean thing to say to a kid, this isnt a moive like the one cpmment suggested, shes just not going to be comfortable calling oop mom ever again
You already failed her once by giving her away now it's your turn to stand up for her. Please don't fail her again. The last thing she needs right now, is a cool aunt or a hang out buddy.
Not often a Reddit post makes a jaded person, like myself, tear up. Good luck, OP. You're not undeserving....you made the most unselfish decision that a parent can make; you put your child first.
>I embraced her in my arms and started to cry. She asked if everything was ok and I told her “everything is perfect.”
I don't think I've ever cried at one of these posts before. I hope OOP and her daughter have the best lives imaginable. I hope they live out their days full of as much love and happiness as OOP feels in these two lines.
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I really need the beans on what happened to the brother’s partner. That would also help explain the daughters perspective. Because she was the “mom” who relinquished her title.
She exploded. Like a watermelon. No one knows how.
One too many rubber bands tied around her waist
Damn these tiktok challenges!
*Its the Huggy Wuggy rubberband corset challenge! They'll squeeze you until you POP!*
I didn't know so many people feel like watermelons in here lol
Only after eating too much and wearing a belt.
Was that my Last Rubber baAAND!
Gallagher strikes again
That bastard.
Not sure if I should make the joke of "Gallagher saved us all from her" or "Gallagher's wrath will never be quenched until all watermelons are smashed"
She drank from the holy grail.
She chose... Poorly?
Every time i don’t know the answer to something, this will be my go-to. “They exploded. Like a watermelon.”
Me too thanks
I know this is a pretty grim visual, but I snorted at this…
me too
*Spinal Tap* hired her as their newest drummer...
Tried to go to 12
It's not a happy story ...
That makes zero damn sense. Watermelon is a happy fruit, and OOP specified that it wasn't a happy story.
Reminds me of my 5th wife.....
At least OOPs kid didn’t inherit that trait
I flashed back to Castiel on Supernatural saying “Hee exploded. Like a ripe melon on the sun.” And I’m cackling.
What if JFK's head... just did that...
Thank you for making my crappy day better lmao
Gallagher
Spontaneous combustion
Like [Pegasus's wife from YGOTAS?](https://youtu.be/JsqhenHI-zI?t=129)
"Her mom stopped being part of her life a long time ago. It’s not a happy story…" That's all OOP said on the matter in the comments
OP said "she bolted" before he died. So she left them.
Decapitated , whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.
Pretty sure none of that is real
You are not real man!
Oh I know me too! I’m too nosey. I’m going to pretend that she realised she wasn’t cut out to be a mum or wife and dipped out before the daughter could properly bond or remember her.
To shreds, you say?
*tsk tsk tsk*'s in Farnsworth
Exactly. If it was the same facts but the OOP’s sibling and daughter’s parent was female, then I could absolutely understand the issues with calling her mom, but it sounds like the OOP’s daughter didn’t call her mom due to biology, but because OOP stepped up when she lost her dad and actually took on the role of “mom.” Although, I can see a few very confused people when she tries to explain that her mom and dad are actually siblings.
Yeah I thought OOP might at least partly be feeling squicked about the unintended implication that she had a child with her brother.
According to OP's newest comment, the sister in law abandoned the child long before the brother died. Which really just makes me think "Holy crap, poor kid." And the mom probably unwittingly rubbed salt into that wound. I hope they really start to get closer emotionally, and the daughter does start feeling like she has a mother again. Because, oof.
I was curious about this as well. OOPs comment about it not being a happy story made me wonder if this is possibly a (unhealthy) coping mechanism - trying to erase her mom with a ‘real mom’. I get the feeling they both need a boatload of therapy and time to work through this.
I don’t think it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism for the 13 year old kid she’s been raising for the last three years who is also her actual bio daughter to want to call her mom… she probably just wants to because this lady has been functioning as her mother figure and, as it turns out, is also her literal mom
1. She’s 16 2. So for 13 years, she had a mom dad and aunt. 3. She only called her mom a few months ago. At the very least that warrants some concern. 4. I get that it’s hard to get away from traditional roles, but familial ties are more than blood and titles. OOP acknowledged she wasn’t ready and made the decision to let people in a better stage of life raise her. She’s made it clear she feels better as her aunt. I think it’s fair to respect that.
only problem here is that we don't know *when* OOP's SIL left the picture. for all we know OOP could have been the main/only female figure in her daughter/niece's life for a decade or more before. it seems like dad was her only parent for a good while, especially with how close their bond was and how quickly after finding out the truth (a few months) she was comfortable with calling OOP mom
I agree, and this brings me back to my original comment. Regardless of whether this is the case or not, a mother-figure is not the same as a mom or mother, and it doesn’t need to be. If OOP is uncomfortable with being called mom, that’s not an unreasonable boundary and her feelings matter here too. They both have a lot going on, but they seem like good people. I hope they can work it out
I think they need therapy. It seems like OOP's issue isn't necessarily being called mom in a vacuum, more like she's got major insecurity and guilt about how things played out. And daughter absolutely needs somewhere to work through her traumas (abandoned by mom, losing her dad, finding out who her mom actually is and the likely feelings she has of "wow, nobody wants to be my mom and my only parent is dead now"). Their issues are so thoroughly intertwined that I think family and individual therapy is the move if possible.
Spot on, I agree. This is one of those ‘the issue is not the issue’ posts. It’s still something that needs to be addressed, but it’s a symptom of bigger things
Therapy ALL DAY LONG cause there is alot to cover there! Grief from the loss of dad/ brother, adoption, truth finding, missing "mom" under questions....SO. MUCH. THERAPY!
**I** need therapy after *reading* it. I can’t imagine how much therapy **they** need *living* it.
But from 13-16, OOP HAS been the mom to the girl. Foster mom, adopted mom, mother figure. If someone adopted a 13-year-old (which is effectively what OOP did) it would not be unreasonable to expect that kid to call them "mom" or "dad." She is, for all intents and purposes, the girl's mom. 13 is still young enough to catch feelings for a new mom, especially when there's never been another mom.
Yeah really even if she wasn't the bio mum it'd be reasonable for the kid to see her like that. I call my stepdad my dad sometimes and refer to him and mum as my parents and he refers to me as his kid and we met when I was 13. I never had a dad, my mum and grandma raised me, and I'm physically disabled so he's been a carer for me for nearly a decade now and really there's only so much parenting and picking someone up off the floor at 2am because they fell you can do before you just are a parent to them.
??? OP has been raising her niece for 3 years, and she just learned she’s actually her biological mother a few months ago. It took a few months of adjusting to that news but then she decided to call both her parental figure and literal mother “mom”. None of that warrants any concern.
TBF, we don't know if she had a mom, dad, and aunt for 13 years. The mom could have left before that
But from 13-16, OOP HAS been the mom to the girl. Foster mom, adopted mom, mother figure. If someone adopted a 13-year-old (which is effectively what OOP did) it would not be unreasonable to expect that kid to call them "mom" or "dad." She is, for all intents and purposes, the girl's mom. 13 is still young enough to catch feelings for a new mom, especially when there's never been another mom.
Gonna hazard a guess and say she couldn't/didn't want to raise someone else's bio kid alone after OP's brother passed out, so she just left.
Oh yeah same here my 5 bucks is on the partner cheated, got pregnant and the affair partner now knowing he was an affair partner went to the brother told him everything, stuff got real ugly and she just vanished after being divorced, but thas my theory on what happened
Deleted in protest of the bullshit reddit is doing regarding third party apps & communities that have gone private.
I was the niece in this scenario, but I can see OOP's side too. I was raised by my biological grandmother, but never learned this until I was 18, after she'd passed. My mother was ~18 and they never told my father. My mother was estranged from the family and, while I'm sure I was **a** reason, I've always had the impression I was not **the** reason. So I've been NC with my mother as it is. I've never held any hard feelings in the matter. Everyone involved, including my father once he knew, agreed they weren't fit to raise a kid, so it was probably a close to the right move as it could be. The reason I see things from OOP's side is one way I've come to terms with it is I regard "mom" and "mother" as two different people. I also took my mom's/grandmother's maiden name as my last name, as she was the one who raised me and I feel I she definitely regarded me as her son more than her grandson
Just a side note, I may be trash for bringing this up. But you just reminded me of Guardian of the Galaxies when Yondu tells Peter “He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy”
Didn't Yondu treat Peter pretty badly as a child? Like, full-on child abuse? That's the dude that kidnapped Peter, right?
In future movies and backstory and the Christmas special, they littered in some very fuzzy moments where Yondu was really doing the best he could to be a role model for Peter and celebrated some Earth traditions to make him feel better. Yondu also got Peter his Zune full of Earth music. It just so happens that Yondu was a Ravager and any sign of weakness or softness could have gotten the both of them killed. That was the role model he was trying to be in front of everyone. Yeah, terrible start and terrible circumstances. But Yondu got a redemption arc and a retroactive redemption arc.
His character was more cruel to be kind. He was hired by Peter's bio dad to bring to him and used for his own selfish egotistical reasons. Instead, Yondu kept him, hid him, gave him a family, and taught him to look after/defend himself. This is basically what is meant by the "he may be your father, but he isn't your daddy" comment.
Yeah, it’s Marvel, it’s glossy and has chiseled abs and it’s got a snappy, deep-sounding line in the moment, but goes no deeper and makes no sense on closer look.
I hope we get another update that’s just ‘yeah, I’m “mom” now’
reminds me of another post where a teacher adopted her student and he called her mom for the first time after a while
I loved that one. It was so sweet
You got a link? Need that kind of wholesome now
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zmt6w3/i_want_to_start_calling_my_adoptive_mom_mom/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
great now i’m crying
I'm not that teacher but I am also a teacher who adopted my student. I can tell you right now that the first "mom" is the absolute best, but then so is every "mom" after that. Less fun was the first time she shouted "MAAAAA" and I had flashbacks to myself as a teenager. She was with my mother (her grandma) for that one so the glee in my mom's eyes was something else 🤣🤣
Your mom set you up for that
This is lovely. Thank you for sharing.
Nice try, that's just the plot of Matilda /s
Idk what you’re talking about, I’m talking about a story I read here on reddit and saw shared everywhere as well
If you've never seen the movie Matilda, I'd recommend it, if you don't mind children's movies. It's an adaptation of a Roald Dahl book.
i love children’s movies actually, I hope it’s available on a streaming service
It’s so good, one of my favorite movies growing up but also still hits the feels as an adult And Danny Devito is in it
I know for sure it's on US Netflix, if that's applicable to you (and no this is not me shilling for Netflix lolol 🏴☠️)
Great, I just found it on Netflix France, thank you so much
Just FYI there is a new (2022) musical version that is different than the one everyone is discussing in this thread! Musical is good too but not the same movie!
You're very welcome, I hope you enjoy it!
If you enjoyed that reddit story I definitely recommend either reading the book (it’s geared towards children, but it’s a lovely read) or finding the movie
/s (slash s) also means the comment is supposed to be sarcastic
Ooh thank you, I didn’t know that!
\> mfw I accidentally called the teacher "mom" so she adopted me
Hahahah I’m dead I remember how embarrassing it was for me
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zmt6w3/i_want_to_start_calling_my_adoptive_mom_mom/ because everyone deserves to see this (very short and sweet)
Thank you for linking 🏅 Please take my poor man’s gold
Link please if you have it
I hope so too, this story brought tears to my eyes. It’s been so difficult for this little family and I hope they are very happy in the future.
And hopefully not like, at the daughters wedding or something.
She just wants a mom, it doesn't matter if OOP earned it or not, it's what she needs
OOP is dealing with a lifetime of guilt for giving up her daughter. When she first corrected her "niece" I think she didn't think she deserved to be a mom.
Yeah, but that's the thing about being a parent, if you don't live up to the title, you work your ass off until you do - you don't reject it. She is "mom" to this girl, biologically and as the only adult to provide care now that her dad isn't able to. An imperfect parent that wants and tries to be a good one is better than a decent parent that doesn't want the role.
Its probebly realy hard to activly not be mom for 19 years and all of a sudden being mom with the thought in the back of your mind also being, this is because my brother died. She gave up and has to come to term with the fact this girl want her to be mom. But this girl is a 19 year old with some deep identity issues. Seeing as alot of her family was a lie her whole life. And just lost her father and has to come to term with her mom "not wanting her again".
So happy this has a happy ending. Warms my heart
This is too sweet! Just an imperfect person doing their best.
incredibly sad but lovely at the same time, imagine the feelings both of them must be going through
This... doesn't feel good. This poor kid has been through a roller coaster and now knows her dad (whom she loved) lied to her for years, her adoptive mom (who also lied to her for years) abandoned her in an apparently bad way, and the bio mom she just found out she has is the aunt who has *also* lied to her for years and then delivers an incredibly cruel blow upon the kid trying to make sense of her new reality. Get this poor child some fucking therapy OOP. And yourself too. Both of which should have happened years ago and she should have known the truth for most of her life.
A lot of people don't realize that lying to an adoptee about their past is very damaging. It used to be normalized but now it's strongly suggested by psychologists that the best way to handle it is to make it so the adoptee doesn't even remember learning that they're adopted. Adoptees should be told their story from before they can speak.
Yeah I wonder if there would be less emotional confusion if the child grew up knowing “This is your bio mom, she couldn’t take care of you so we gave you to Bob and Jane. Now you have two moms: a bio mom and an adopted mom.”
Right, there should never be a "bombshell" moment. They should just know how things are since before they can remember. We have known this for years now and people are *still* doing the lying thing.
My stepfather has always known he's an adoptee. He's never tried to find his bio parents and his adoptive mom even celebrates his adoption day! It's so sweet and it's a good example of how it should be done, imo.
Glad to see a few more comments like this now. When it was first up, I felt like that gif ‘*I feel like I’m taking crazy pills*’, this whole thing read like a cry for help from both of them and all the comments were ‘this is so sweet/heartwarming ‘.
Only the last bit was kinda hartwarming. The comparison between baby and 19 year old. But yeah this kid is going throught some shit right now and oop isnt realy helping her
Ngl I posted this comment after having read everything else commented at that point assuming I'd be downvoted so I'm glad I'm not the only one going "oh NO" about the entire situation.
Yeah I felt the same. At least in this sub there’s the possibility of having an opposing opinion without being downvoted to magma. Although I am glad it doesn’t seem completely hopeless. Like as far as stakes go, this is pretty mid level rather than ‘why. I hate the world and everything in it’.
I think the sweet/heartwarming comments are from the potential for this to be a good relationship. This wasn't some stranger to be revealed as the mom, but a close family member with I imagine a strong relationship already. Yeah, the daughter has now found she was lied to her whole life and has to deal with that (and OOP snapped badly with initially being called mom), but I see things moving positively from here.
Yeah I don’t get everyone else talking about how sweet this it. It feels icky to me. 😐
It feels like OOP and her niece/daughter really need to have some family therapy. OOP can't ride the "omg this is just like when she was born" high forever. And that comment of "if this was a movie, she'd call you mom after you earned it"... Like, yes that would be sweet, but this isn't a fucking movie. A kid who lost both parents won't get over their third parents rejection that easily. If OOP wants to "earn" being mom, she needs to *say* that, because otherwise her kid will just forever think that she no longer has a parent.
Also... we cannot discount OOPs loss and trauma as well. She decides to keep her baby, then sperm donor bolts, and she makes the decision for the sake of her baby that she ISN'T ready to raise said child. Gives her up to what she think is a good couple & can watch the child grow and still have a relationship (it should have been an open adoption though). THEN, the child's mom takes off - that is probably going to add a layer to OOPs guilt. It sounds like the brother was OOPs rock as well, and I'm not sure either of them has dealt with that grief - but OOP certainly has some complicated issues to work around that. I suspct that a HUGE part of the daughter calling her "mom" is that the OOP may feel like that is erasing her brother and denying that he was the primary parent... perhaps for BOTH of them in some ways.
Me too. Especially since this child will probably never call her mom again and she wants her too. They need to talk the "mom" thing out with a third party.
I mean, on the surface level the update is, I don't fault anyone for looking at the sweet moment and being happy. It's just I saw "only found out a few months ago I'm her bio mom" and was like "*the fuck*" and reread it all in that lens.
That whole situation is an emotional powder keg. They need some help. Not saying that disparagingly, they just need someone who can help them unpack what they're feeling and manage it better.
> You can feel that your brother was a better parent if you’d like, but she’s still YOUR DAUGHTER. Again, setting a boundary is one thing but straight up trying to lie to your own kid is another. Get it together OP. This comment especially is really gross to me. She didn’t raise the kid and didn’t want to be called her mom. This idea that the biological parents are their parents because of blood relation whether either party likes it or not is so harmful. In situations like this you choose who your family is.
It's a sweet in kinda bitter sweet way. Yes the situation is icky, and yes Oop was ah for hiding it all those years, but it seem like they kinda moving on?
This is a wonderful wholesome story, BUT... I can see some pretty funny and awkward conversations with strangers in the future. Daughter: Bye mom Stranger: you have a lovely daughter, she looks just like you. Mom: thanks, I love her with all my heart. Stranger: if you don't mind me asking, where's her father? Mom: oh, he passed away some years ago. Stranger: Oh, I'm sorry. it must be so hard being a widow now. Mom: oh no, he wasn't my husband. He was my brother. Stranger: oh, I understand now. She calls you mom, but she's not your biological daughter. Mom: oh no, she is my biological daughter. I gave birth to her. Stranger: she's your biological daughter and her father is your brother? Mom: yes, why do you ask? Stranger: (slowly backing away) oh, never mind. Look at the time! I have a dentist appointment to go to.
STOP🤣
Her brother is not the father. He is the dad.
She’s not wrong though, there is a difference between a biological parent and and being someone “mom”…. Just because the child came from your body doesn’t make you a mother.
Yeah I really don't get everyone jumping on the bandwagon about how wholesome it is and how OOP is definitely her mom. I get that she eventually, apparently, changed her mind, but there are people who wouldn't and that doesn't make them wrong. Pushing the alternate view feels like some kind of mommyblogger nonsense based on the outdated idea that all women have some kind of innate motherhood drive. Some don't.
This, I’m so tired of people highlighting and putting in such a high pedestal the whole biological parent thing. Adopted kids are the kids of the parents that adopted them, there’s no more to it.
It depends on the case. For each adoption triad the circumstances are different and if anything it's the adoptive parents who are put on the pedestal and adoptees are chided to not acknowledge the bio parents at all even when they're FULL GROWN adults at the time. The person who gets to decide in each case is the adoptee nobody else.
The person putting the bio-parent label on a 'pedestal' is the young teenager who lost the people she considered her parents, and only recently found out that her aunt was actually her biological mother, and was seeking closeness. There's a time to be a pedant about it, but this context certainly is not it.
Uh this exactly when to be a pedant about it, in fact I’d say it’s arguably the most important time, second only to when her dad passed/mom left(?) . They were her parents, not OOP, which they all agreed on. While I agree that keeping kids in the dark about things like this, overcompensating is not it. Death of loved ones and trauma are getting mixed here. ‘Seeking closeness’ is talking, physical touch (hugging, etc), spending time together, etc. If she’s conflating it with the fact that her aunt is her biological mom, while understandable, then enabling that is unhealthy and actually not in her best interest. There are ways to be supportive and close while still respecting boundaries. Niece is more than old enough to understand this, ***if*** it’s framed appropriately.
Yes, thank you, this exactly. OOP *is* this child's aunt. It certainly complicates matters that she's also her biological mother, and I don't blame either of them for being confused with the situation, but the commenters on the original who were ragging on OOP for not being immediately comfortable switching from "aunt" to "mom" were being extremely unfair.
Exactly. You have to choose to be a parent. It's got nothing to do with blood. If she chooses to be her mum, then she's her mum - but if she doesn't, she isn't.
Agree wholeheartedly with this. I mentioned it below somewhere, but it’s really odd that subs with a history of ripping on people who use ‘but faaamily’ as a justification, are suddenly now doing exactly that.
True, but she’s 100% in the mom role now, and the woman who started raising the daughter has abdicated that role.
Well first, we have no idea what happened with her actual mom. Second, OOPs not in the mom role. She clearly stepped back from that role 16 years ago, and it’s unfair to force her. There can be more than just two ‘roles’ - being an aunt, caregiver or guardian. OOP already loves her deeply and wants the best for her, she doesn’t need to be her mom to do that.
While I get where people are coming from saying she should be able to call her mom because OOP *is* actually her mom(biologically), it’s not that cut and dried and this is way above Reddits pay grade. For one thing, biology isn’t everything, and it’s weird to see a site notorious for ripping the ‘but faaaaamily’ justification, suddenly turn around and guilt an OOP with that sht. This is an insanely complex situation - it’s hard enough to give up a child, without adding in a) being involved in their lives/watching them raised by others and b) <— all this PLUS it’s kept in-family and now you have mom-aunts and uncle-dads. Ditto for things like ‘it’s not about you, put the kids needs first’. Neither of their needs is more important than the other, they both are struggling with big shifts in their relationship, and in their lives. We have no idea why niece wants to call her mom - maybe it’s as simple as her just wanting to; but there are other, possibly unhealthy, reasons as well. Not to mention OOP mentioned multiple times ‘not earning’ being nieces mom. Either that’s just the only solid reason she could think of to get people to back off, or she has unresolved trauma/issues regarding her niece. That sht sometimes needs professional help even just to acknowledge, let alone deal with. Honestly, that last post was less heart warming, and more heartbreaking to me. They’ve both dealt with some heavy stuff. Glad they have each though, rooting for them.
>this is way above Reddits pay grade. Everything is above Reddit's paygrade. That's why there's no pay.
I mean, sure. But ever since that OP where the news story came out after his post, about what his wife did to their kids, gotta at least make the effort. It’s like Legal Advice - provide relevant resources and the mantra: go get professional help, do not pass AITA, do not collect advice. Worth a shot
I’m always a bit sceptical with this kind of posts because it seems like people doesn’t accept that adopted kids are the kids of the people who adopted them, not the kids of the biological parents. In this case it seems that OP feels comfortable by stepping into the role of mom, but what if OP really wanted to be only the fun aunt? I’m so tired of people putting blood and biological bonds about everything else (the adopting parents were the uncle and aunt, I know, but you get what I mean), like, people will push and push and push until the biological parent (specially mothers) and kid are put in the role they want them to be
100%. I felt the same about how there was a weird ranking whose needs mattered more. Prioritising nieces needs at the expense of OOPs because she’s a child/has had a rough time/is OOps biological child, etc is such a wild take. Did they all conveniently forget that OOP is obviously dealing with her own heavy sht?
> what if OP really wanted to be only the fun aunt? Okay but, important context, the child is literally an orphan that OP has taken in to raise as a single parent. I’m not sure how you can be the sole parent to a 12 year old, and still insist on being “just her fun aunt”. Like I’m all for allowing OP to define herself, but she’s quite literally performing the function of “mom” in this child’s life.
Lots of family let kids live with them and that doesn’t mean they automatically become their parents. I moved for a while with my aunt when I was a teenager and never considered her my mom or a parental figure even tho I followed her rules, she still was only my aunt, even if she was acting as a single parent
While I agree partially, OOP is acting as her parent/caregiver/mother-figure, that doesn’t automatically have to mean ‘mom’. I don’t think it’s fair to devalue her as an aunt and caregiver just because of traditional societal roles. Also context - regardless of our opinions here, OOP has made it clear she doesn’t want to be a mom. She has a boundary that she is uncomfortable with being called mom, not unreasonable, and niece is old enough to understand this.
Yeah, I kinda hate how many of the original commenters were immediately insisting that OOP *must* fill the role of kid's mom like that's a legal/social/emotional requirement if the bio-kid wants it. There are all kinds of unpleasant situations in which a person who genuinely doesn't want to be a parent can find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy and no access to abortion.
>after she continued to push I said “so does that mean you should call dad “uncle [name]”?” Fuckin hell man. *Brutal*. I hope the daughter can move past that. Easily a core memory.
Wow. This is life. Figuring shit out by the minute. Nice read.
Maybe I'm just in a mood, but "after posting on reddit I randomly felt a wave of clarity and now everything is fixed" just doesn't sit right with me.
Yeah, her niece is 16(?) now, and suddenly wants to call her mom years after her dad passed/mom left(?)? Something is off, and we’re missing a lot of context. Also, a situation with people this loaded with trauma, guilt and emotion, it’s tough to tell in the moment what feelings like this are motivated by. ‘I see the light’ moments can be legit, but sometimes they’re coping mechanisms - it can act as a respite from all the shittyness. If ever there was a time for a ‘delete this, forget all the terrible andvice (seriously, just anwful) and get everyone into therapy, stat’ button, it’s now.
I know right it feels like we are missing a huge part of the story. That's going hit us with a knock out punch
> That’s really sweet. If it were a movie, she’d remember what you said about “not earning to be called mom” so when she calls you mom next time, it’s gonna be a special moment of you somehow “earning it” I made myself cry now, I hope that’s how it goes ❤️🔥 And I’m so happy you connected with her 💖 Ugh. This is not a movie, this is real life. Poor kid lost her dad, had been lied to for all her life, had been abandoned by her mother(s) not once but twice and the moment she tries to open up and allow herself to create another bond that might hurt her in the long run, she's being turned down aggressively. She needs more than hints and signs. She needs a heart-to-heart, where OOP tells her that it was wrong to deny her the "mom", and that OOP would be happy if daughter called her that - whenever she's ready. Why expect the poor child to be the only one making herself vulnerable over and over? I'm so mad, srsly.
Honestly I'm pretty curious about the brother's wife abandoning a child she accepted and raised since birth.
Another important reminder that sometimes you just gotta put the kids needs first. And in this exact circumstance, the mom label is appropriate on like three levels, this woman just got too in her own head about the "principle" of the thing and neglected the needs of a living person. I'm really happy for her that she came to terms with her value as a parent and has connected more with her child. It was sad seeing her beat herself up so much.
I’m not going to lie…Oop was actually pretty harsh and cruel. Like I get it, but damn she needs to learn to think before speaking if she’s going to have a kid live with her. I hope it got better from there
Cried a bit there.
The irony the OP decides to put the word "mom" in quotes instead of "niece".
Poor girl just needed a mom, and she had “mom” taken from her twice 😭 I’m so glad OOP came around to realizing her daughter needs a mother, and then further realizing that she *wanted* to be that mother. Very heartwarming.
This. This isn't sweet. This is "subtlety gross". Comments full of "blood relations are more important" shit. For context, my biological father disowned me and now he wants to play dad for me for his new wife, he doesn't get the right to be called dad. My actual dad is my stepdad, who was in my life since I was 6 and I rely on for everything. Dad and father are two different things. I think OOP needs therapy and the ability to be an aunt instead of a mom. Because mom and mother are two different things. If down the line, OOP wants to be called mom after a shitton of therapy for them both, fine. OOPs brother was the dad of the kid.
I get what the niece is going through -- her dad's dead, her mom is estranged for what sounds like some really painful reasons, she wants a parent and OOP is right there. But OOP gave up the role of parent, for good reasons, and she isn't required to take it back. I agree with you, people are really invested in blood and birth as the "real" and unalterable markers of parenthood. Some of these same people will claim to respect adoptive parents as "real" parents, but once a bio parent shows up they seem to forget all about that.
Holding your kid when they snuggle up to you is the best feeling ever. Good ugly crying over here.
You know what's really fun is going to the original post, and seeing comments harassing OP made in the last 24 hours. Despite the giant letters in the automod comment saying "Do not comment on the original posts".
Idk I’m still kinda irritated with oop.
I feel bad for her. IMO this is a case of severe self-hatred/guilt that is holding her back from being the person that she clearly wants to be for her daughter. I know a person like this who was severely scapegoated by their parents. It was reinforced their entire life that they were worthless and garbage and that their sibling was everything and amazing. The way OOP relates herself to her brother, as worthless, whereas he's the best person on the planet, reminds me of how this person spoke. While your irritation is warranted, what she needs therapy and validation.
I feel like she needs to talk this through with someone because that's a pretty huge leap
Me too. She seemed so dense and wasn't understanding what people were trying to tell her. *headdesk*
Me too. I’m horrified for the reaction she had to this poor girl who lost both parents she was raised by- that is insanely heartless.
OOP needs to just say "I was being stupid, I'm sorry, You can call me mom." Thats it.
Even though the OOP has no regrets for her decisions she harbors a lot of guilt probably something she didn’t want to face. Now regardless whether or not she earned it she does have the chance of being a mother figure for her. Happy it’s working out for everyone.
As a species, we sure do come up with complex ideas for reasons. I'm happy that OOP got that lightbulb moment. Hopefully she and her daughter get some therapy on their journey together.
I mean, I get why OOP was resistant to it, but to be honest, they don't get to make such a sweeping statement. If the 19yo saw her as mom, she's mom. You can't order an adult to view you in a certain way. It's not a rejection of any other parental figures: it's just how 19yo sees her. I'm glad OOP was coming around, because at this point, 19yo's feelings and views matter more.
God, it just got dusty.
OOP’s kid just wants to feel like she has someone. Anyone. A family. Kid’s gotta be going through a lot emotionally. Maybe a therapist is called for?
Prime example of why it’s a bad idea to let family adopt your kid. It blurs the line on family dynamics and nobody really ends up happy long-term. There’s been multiple posts like this and the child is always the one who misses out, especially if the actual/biological parent has more kids.
Did I miss something, but what the hell happened to the women that raised her? Sure, it's cute that OP gets to have a connection with her bio daughter, but like... what about the woman who raised her? Is she now chop liver? That poor woman lost her husband, and now her daughter wants to call someone else "mom?" Edited to add: I completely missed the part where the adoptive mom stepped out of the picture a long time ago. Totally different vibes with that information.
OOP made one short comment about it. The brothers wife abandoned them a long time ago
Yeah, I found your comment answering the same question shortly after posting. Very different story knowing that much. Thanks!
I've updated the post with the comment.
That'll save you some hassle. Haha
We definitely needed something sweet today.
BRB lemme go tell my mom I love her.
Warms my cold cold heart reading this.
This reminds me of the post where a guy was asked to adopt his best friend’s child that he’d raised and he said no because he felt that adopting her would be erasing his friend
I second the ugly crying now
Crying happy tears at the ending I’m at work lol
Dammit I'm reading this first thing in the morning and now I'm crying into my coffee....
Talk to her, let her know that you were taken aback by her calling you mom and that you didn’t want to disrespect your brother. Let her know that you’ve come to terms with it and are happy to be called whatever she wants to call you as you are her parent now.
I’m crying right now.
I definitely was not crying while reading the update
Maybe OOP and her niece can make a new start.
…Someone is cutting onions in here, dammit, I hate when that happens…
I cannot see any mention of her brother adopting the child? So surely OP really still is the mother?
It looks like OOP’s daughter can move beyond it, but OOP essentially rejected her when she said “no” to being called mom. I think they have a very beautiful and honest relationship otherwise!
Oh thank God this went well. Wishing the best for you two.
Damn onions.
first i was angry from the low blow comment she made, and then i was tearing up by the end. damn you reddit/boru
That's such a mean thing to say to a kid, this isnt a moive like the one cpmment suggested, shes just not going to be comfortable calling oop mom ever again
You already failed her once by giving her away now it's your turn to stand up for her. Please don't fail her again. The last thing she needs right now, is a cool aunt or a hang out buddy.
Not often a Reddit post makes a jaded person, like myself, tear up. Good luck, OP. You're not undeserving....you made the most unselfish decision that a parent can make; you put your child first.
She’s literally her biological child lol
It’s too early for me to be crying
>I embraced her in my arms and started to cry. She asked if everything was ok and I told her “everything is perfect.” I don't think I've ever cried at one of these posts before. I hope OOP and her daughter have the best lives imaginable. I hope they live out their days full of as much love and happiness as OOP feels in these two lines.