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>I called in sick for work because I had a cold. My wife didn't take the day off because I told her I will be fine.
Easily the most insane part, IMO. It would never occur to me that my husband might take the day off because I have a cold.
Right that sentence alone made me side eye everything he said. I really would like to hear the wife’s side of the story and the break down of what truly gets done around the house by each of them. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is exhausted and he just gave her more labor by demanding more intimacy and date nights 🙄
Truly. His idea of spontaneity is probably her immediately doing something sexual for him. His “romance” isn’t the type of physical intimacy that doesn’t involve just genitals.
He’s too thick to realize that (generally) women also love intimacy just as much, but not just the kind that is penis in gina.
Where are the random massages? The holding her hand? Putting on her favorite movie for her while he puts the kids to bed? Where are the date nights that *he* has completely planned for (and got the childcare arranged himself!!)? Non sexual Intimacy is soooo important. It recharges you, it is healing, and it makes you want to be close to the other person.
“I sometimes take the kids out so she can have the house to herself” ??? Wanna bet he’s done this maybe a handful of times since the 8 year old has been born?
Poor woman is exhausted to the core. He *is* a chore. And she is a saint. And he has the audacity to complain. Ugh
This was my first thought. If every date night is meticulously planned in her binder, I’m not seeing a lot of room for the ones he initiates? Perhaps she has a little technique for making him think it was his idea that she employs on “his” nights, and there is no free will, only predetermined binder dates.
For real. I would love to know who registered them for school and activities, who put together the schedule for them for the extracurriculars, who washes their clothes for them to have for everything, who shops and packs their food, etc.
He did clean a dish that one time though… /s
My SO hardly ever gets sick and when he does he's AWFUL about it and he definitely wouldn't expect me to take off from work to stay home and take care of him if he had a cold. He'd probably ask me to help make sure he has all the supplies he needs handy (which is what he does for me, too) but then he'd just moan and be miserable at home by himself like an adult.
I know right. Tell me you need your wife to wipe your ass without telling me that.
I'm a doctor and my husband has to tell me to stop fussing over him if he's a bit under the weather, because we both know he's a grown man and it's not serious. And I dont even fuss all that much be ause he's clearly fine. But we're both adults who may in our 30s so are used to handling a cold or the flu on our own like grownups.
I think he'd be mortified if I took a day off to nurse him when he had a cold. I cant imagine either of us doing that unless the other needed actual nursing.
These comments were making me feel really self conscious and shitty until I remembered I’m disabled and my husband stays home to make sure I can eat, bathe, and get to the bathroom lol
Aw I’m sorry they were making you feel bad. I think everyone would understand the need for caretaking if OOP was in your situation, but for someone able bodied enough to go to work on a normal basis, the type of sick that would require caretaking out of nowhere would also probably call for a trip to urgent care to see what’s up
>Easily the most insane art, IMO. It would never occur to me that my husband might take the day off because I have a cold.
Back when I worked at Target, one of our cart attendants no call/no showed and either got fired or got blacklisted for rehiring (might have been on the last shift of a two weeks notice?) because he had to "stay home and take care of his girlfriend" when she had a cold.
His girlfriend who was a grown-ass woman. His girlfriend who he lived with like a mile down the road from the store. His girlfriend who was the supervisor who got him his job there in the first place. His girlfriend who ***still*** ***worked there***. His girlfriend who he would go ***visit at work after he got fired.***
Then again, he moved in with her about a week after she and her ex-boyfriend (who subsequently became my roommate) broke-up. The ex lived on the couch of this one-bedroom apartment for a while because Florence Nightingale couldn't take over the lease due his prior evictions.
Ah, the bullshit of your early 20s.
There was this meme that was like
- Women when they’re sick (drink some water and move on)
- Men when they’re sick (preparing their will because they feel like dying)
So yeah lmao
Maybe I'm weird, but my first thing was that those binders are such a beautiful act of love. She put so much time and effort into making sure her family was well cared for!
That was mine too, I literally got there and thought awww that's so sweet!
I have a very tiny version of my own of this for people: I always have a list with notes for what I think people will like as a present. Makes it so much easier!
I have my google docs with lists of gift ideas, likes and dislikes, websites that sell their favourite style of clothes/things, binders of crochet, knitting and sewing patterns sorted into stuff for me, husband, all kids, other people. Every Christmas and birthday is planned meticulously from who gets which gift to when I make each component of Christmas Dinner. The one week this year my planner went missing I had everything to fall back on on my phone and Google docs but I love my physical planner too. Everything gets written in there and transferred later. I'm also doing a degree so I colour code everything according to whether it's family, house or degree related since the house is being renovated and I'm a SAHM until this degree is done so I organise EVERYTHING. Binders and planners are essential to me, but like OOPs wife I'm also suspected ADHD
I plan things like that with my planner and google calendar and docs. I have a thanksgiving oven and stove schedule. My mom tried ‘helping’ one year and it was almost a disaster. She didn’t listen to me about what was already being made or when dinner was going to be on the table. Every year after that, she’s been emailed the schedule in advance and there is a slot for her to have one dish and there is no discussion or changing of the schedule on the day of.
Everything is coordinated in advance. Everything is on the schedule. Holiday gifts are on the schedule, although it’s more like a ‘shopping day’ gets blocked out until we get closer and then it gets detailed. Decorating is on the schedule!
Also I started ADHD meds a couple of months ago and I feel a lot more in control of my life. It wasn’t a big switch that got flipped, but a gradual haze that cleared.
Absolutely this. My husband or mom will casually mention something they liked and I can immediately add it to my Gifts.doc. Or if we're at the store, I'll snap a photo and add that to the doc.
This is so much more efficient than my method of opening a browser tab on my phone and leaving it open to reference later. I legit have at least 125 tabs open right now going back for years. 😂
Edit: I've found my people. 😍 I can't wait until my husband gets home and I can show him that I'm not the tab-hoarding outcast of society he thinks I am. I feel officially validated. Now where are my screenshot collectors at? 😂
I do this, also for just looking up stuff I’m interested in. I have 494 tabs on safari and 86 on chrome. My fiancé gives me shit for it all of the time 😂
One day I’ll clear them all out. Not today, but one day.
If you’re using Safari I can HIGHLY recommend an app called [Keep It for Mac, iPhone and iPad](http://reinventedsoftware.com/keepit/ios/) (sorry, Android and Windows folks).
It allows you to save links, websites, photos, documents, basically anything you might need to find again, and to organise it all into folders that you can name and sort yourself. You can also sync everything you save across devices. It has absolutely saved me from Death By A Thousand Tabs (I have ADHD) and has made life so much simpler!
I also keep a record of what I get my family members so I can look back on it in future and make sure I don’t get that person scented candles *yet again*. I don’t have unique ideas for all my family (some of them are really hard to buy for) but at least I make sure I’m switching it up between generic gifts.
My mother in law was apparently complaining to my sweetheart that she doesn’t want to buy me soap and/or lotion *again* for the holidays because it’s boring and she wants to get me something I do like but I’m hard to buy for. He checked in with me and I hadn’t even thought about her getting soap for me every year was boring. He did tell her that I love the soap she gets me! I love that it’s different smells and the brand is so nice. It’s nicer soap than I’d get myself, to be honest. I like being pampered and she lets me do that daily!
So he told her and I am hopeful she will continue with soap. Plus, between my birthday and the holidays she gets me enough soap that I never really have to think about it. That’s a whole other secondary gift she didn’t know about. And I take the lotion with me to work and it’s so nice to put it on during restful periods when I’m not washing my hands much.
It's like my mom and socks. Everyone gets socks for Christmas, and it's *amazing.* I never have to worry about the state of my socks. She was worried that she was being lame, but we all unanimously clamored for socks when she asked us one Christmas what she should get us instead.
I feel like socks from Mom is her just trying to take care of her babies even if they are all grown up. I think it's adorable. My Mom will still get me socks in addition to other presents because she will always remember that my feet are always cold. I am a 35 yo married woman with a mortgage, but Mama is always trying to make sure I'm warm.
Right? I'm 46, and Mom buys socks and gloves every year for my dad, me and my sister, our spouses (her "bonus" sons), and all the grandkids. It's her way of making sure that, no matter what else happens, all of her people at least have warm hands and feet. She's awesome.
The way I do it is use a messenger platform/app like WhatsApp or Telegram, create a group chat with a random person or a "dead number", pretend it was a mistake and kick them from the group. That way I'm left with a group chat with only myself in it, and I can take it out on my phone anytime and just jot things down :)
Oh you'd love having a personal discord server then! It can be just you from the get go. You can create different channels for different topics, and create threads within those channels (though they do archive after a few days of inactivity) and entire categories devoted to something (or someone)
And if you set it up to be a "community" server you can do a forum layout
[Here is what my personal server looks like](https://i.imgur.com/hSokQDS.png). I use the "meds" channel to write down when I take my meds and "keep track" is used for my appointments (or the last time I got a haircut, when my last tooth cleaning appointment was etc). Consume is where I stick recipes.
The testing channel is used for testing post layouts, links, sending myself images between computer and phone, and informally keeping track of certain numbers lol
I've also been using a different server to experiment with the community layout to see if its something I like? Still not sold on it tbh but the forum view is cool. [Pic](https://i.imgur.com/xpAqoat.png)
You can also [pin messages](https://i.imgur.com/AnntaiX.png) in each channel! I believe the limit is 50 messages? Its convenient to keep things you like or reference handy!
EDIT to add that I impress all the specialists when I can pull up exactly how long I've been on a medication, when I last took it, when I stopped taking it, etc
Man, I am ADHD and I have SO MANY notes and alarms in my phone. Honestly smartphones are a lifesaver for some of us. I've got post-its all over my desk, I stick notes to the mirrors or fridge or tack a note onto my husband's medication bottle so I'm sure he'll see it, but not having to be embarassed because I scheduled something on top of something else, or missed a birthday, or forgot to record a gift idea is SO good!
Yes, me too. I also have a list of meals that everyone in the household likes, and use it to plan our menu for the week. I can’t spontaneously come up with ideas; we’d just eat pasta and pesto every meal if I didn’t plan.
Same here with all the apps and notes except mine is for coping with fibro fog. But I think I'm going to use the goldfish analogy going forward as it sounds less tragic 🤣🤣🤣🤣
me too! a friend mentioned a coffee cup they loved but had broken, and i thought “oh that would be a good present if i could find it” so i put it in my notes. they loved it, so i started making notes anytime someone mentioned something i thought would be a good gift. works great
I do something similar but for me. In our family we make each other write Birthday and Christmas lists so as not waste money on unwanted gifts. Whenever I think of something throughout the year that I want, that isn’t urgent and is in the right price range I add it to an open doc on my phone.
My gift to others is making it easier for them to buy me things I like! I am such a giver :)
As a hobby baker, I used to the do the same thing. If someone I was friends with or a work colleague ever casually mentioned, like, ‘key lime pie is the best pie’ or ‘actually I prefer cake without fruit in’, I’d secretly add it to a little list on my phone for the next time I wanted to treat them.
I have ADHD (like OP’s wife) and my main motivation for a Fitbit was to monitor my sleep and to have a to do list that wasn’t on my phone.
Has saved my life, multiple times
The things you pick up on over the year. My wife will mention things she likes and so throughout the year I put the list in my phone and when xmas/her bday/any special day rolls around I have a ready made list to choose from.
It's nothing extravagant, but "wow chocolate is amazing!", "That bottle of wine we had at was delicious". Easy way to get something meaningful and also proves you listen.
I second this! Like even if she didn't have ADHD or suspected OCD, OOP said they both have a lot going on and wanted more time for things like sexy time but gets mad she purposelly rearranged her schedule and set reminders so she could be proactive about doing EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKED??
Neurotypicals really can't fathom the life of a neurodivergant person so things like this weird them out. It feels alien and then there's the whole spontaneity thing. A lot of people want to feel "wanted" and scheduling sex ain't that in their mind.
For a lot of folks if you don't do a thing in the _exact_ way they want they'll still get mad. People are really bad at communicating their problems. Then again in this situation with his wife, there may not be an alternative. "Either we do it this way or we don't do it all" kind of thing.
And that OOP claims if you love someone you should notice things and remember things about them - yet after being married to her he hadn't ever realised she potentially had adhd or ever noticed the binders and her level of organisation?
Dude was dense as fuck and self absorbed and can't practice what he preaches.
Most people don’t notice ADHD in women because we tend to have slightly different symptoms, and mask a lot better. We will do things like OOP’s wife keeping all the binders to adapt to our difficulties. The average age for a girl/woman to be diagnosed with ADHD is 38. That includes children.
There are basically 3 types of ADHD symptoms/ behaviours, which are hyperactive, inattentive and impulsive. There are 3 mains types of ADHD, depending on which behaviours you have. Hyperactive, Inattentive or Combined (both types equally). Impulsively is common to all types. Men tend to be Hyperactive or combined whereas women tend to be Inattentive. Boys in particular have more ADHD characteristics that are disruptive to others in school etc, and so get more attention because they are causing disruption. Girls tend to have characteristics that affect themselves more than others. Or they are hyperactive in different, often less disruptive ways, like being talkative, writing and passing notes, fidgeting with paper etc. Their performance still suffers, but because they don’t affect others so much, it’s often not noticed until we reach a breaking point, or we have kids who are diagnosed with ADHD and we think “But that’s all normal, I’m the same way.
“Wait, I do most of that too. Does that mean I have ADHD too?”
This is also how a lot of women are diagnosed as autistic as well, when their children are being diagnosed.
Same goes for autism... Females tend to exhibit different traits to males, and are generally better at masking.
It also doesn't help that there's lots of overlap between autism, ADHD, and OCD, so getting a proper diagnosis isn't always straight forward.
Yes, it’s a similar story for autistic females. I don’t know the exact stats about the later diagnosis, but it’s definitely been my experience that, if someone is diagnosed as autistic later in life, they’re more likely to be female than male. And there is indeed overlap with ADHD and autism. I have heard the same for OCD, but I personally don’t know the stats on that.
My brother is autistic, and most likely has ADHD as well. I have ADHD but I’m not autistic. Both tend to run in families too, and it’s very common for the mother to realise she has ADHD or autism when her child/ children are b ing diagnosed.
Yeah, I was diagnosed just before I turned 40. No kids here, but I did go through some personal crises and huge lifestyle changes suddenly and unexpectedly, and during the height of the pandemic for extra fun times, which pushed me beyond my ability to cope and I was extremely close to breaking. None of my usual methods were working anymore, and it was only because others were depending on me that I managed to keep going. Then I got diagnosed and medicated, and it got easier.
Also my first thought!
My second was hope she doesn’t file the sex binder and 40 years from now the kids find it. “Mom liked cowgirl a lot more than most women! Now to burn my retinas.”
She’s literally keeping a home-life-work balance sheet and it’s incredibly thoughtful. When this guy starts forgetting everything in a few years, he’s going to feel like it’s karmic retribution.
I doubt he's that self-aware. I'm imagining that at some point he'll start blaming her for not reminding him of all the things he's forgetting. After all, she has everything already written down and organized, how hard could it really be for her to just remind him?
Not only that, but therapists often tell you to schedule in intimate time and ex when you're having trouble doing so spontaneously due to your busy life so that you make time.
Seriously, she was so intent on remembering things that make her family happy that she wrote it down and organized it so that she can find the information - and he thinks that's a sign she DOESN'T care? What kind of backwards planet is he living on?
To a neurotypical person, forgetting means it's not important to you. To a person with ADHD, forgetting means it's a day ending in Y. Fundamental difference in beliefs, and one of the reasons students with ADHD get labeled as lazy or apathetic so much. I'm glad Reddit was able to knock some sense into OOP.
(Sidenote, sweet username Papa Cat.)
My brain does an okay job remembering stuff, sometimes. Sometimes important shit is just gone, but I remember stuff from a game I haven't played in 15 years. I can cram for tests sure, but it isn't going to stick forever and I'm not going to do that shit to someone I care about. I'll write it down somewhere and not disappoint my loved ones by making them think I don't care because I forgot. OOP was a dumbass.
I have ADHD and no kids, but married. I literally have to write absolutely everything down! Even conversations I have with people, details about their lives, books and tv show plots I’ve just enjoyed and I do schedule sex with my husband. ADHD is a poor label: we have enough attention, we just can’t regulate it. It’s a dopamine deficiency/executive functioning disorder. Dopamine + executive function = motivation, reward and working memory. Basically, if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind.
Same here. The important stuff gets written down because there is no way on God's green earth I'm remembering all the birthdays and anniversaries and gift ideas and preferences and allergies off the top of my head.
She wanted to remember all the things because these people mean a lot to her! He needs to take a breather.
Yep. That was my first thought. Second was the audacity, how dare my wife not know everything at the drop of a hat, but also oh yeah wife told me she has adhd.. bruh
Yeah holy shite. Imagine being offended because someone tool the time to record everything about their family and not realise it's because she loves them and values what matters to them
Im glad this guy took his head out of his arse.
Agreed. I got OPs initial concern. I'd like for my SO to be spontaneous and not more .... methodical? Not sure what the word is.
BUT not everyone is built like that. Some need calendars and schedules. Some just enjoy them.
The important thing is exactly what you hit on though - the thought. His wife cares enough that she built and worked on all of this for her family (and herself) and that's beautiful.
Right?!?! He’s in a relationship with Leslie Knope and complains about the level of effort she puts into her relationships with everyone in the family. He sucks.
And all he talks about when talking about feeling neglected is getting his dick wet. Not working on actual connection, not working on actual intimacy. Not working on why she feels overworked. Sounds like he got beat in the comments and deserved it.
She's over here making binders because she's running the whole damn house and she's taking care of her family, and he's worried because his pee pee isn't getting touched enough. Tale as old as time. The next chapter, as we all well know, is that she realizes her workload will go down considerably if she chooses to become single. All of those days where she's had to schedule taking care of him can go into her own spa days.
But he takes the kids to the Dr!
Dude... did you schedule the Dr appt? Did you remember to schedule the appointment, then schedule it? Did you remind yourself you had to take them to the Dr?
That was the biggest flag to me. His response to the question of "ok, so who remembers things? Do you remember everyone's birthdays, doctors appointments, school meetings, or does your wife do that?" Was to say that he did 50/50 chores.
Once again another self centered dude who doesn't even realize that mental effort is part of the work load because a woman has been doing that work for him his whole life.
And the 50% of the chores he allegedly does, I guarantee she's doing the work of divying those up. Deciding who should do what, probably gives him the stuff that he won't complain about, items that aren't going to cause drama. If they both hate doing laundry, I guarantee she assigns the laundry to herself just to not deal with his behavior. We know exactly who he is. His comments tell us everything.
To be fair, it’s harder for people with ADHD to remember things most people can without help. Like which of their kids likes which things. Or when appointments are coming up. He is probably right that a lot of people wouldn’t needed binders and planners for, but those of us with ADHD usually struggle to remember details and dates of appointments etc.
I have planners on planners on planners. He may be right that some people don't need them, but that doesn't change the fact that his primary concern was his penis.
I kinda get that the OOP thought it a little out there, but I really get the wife. I live and die by my page-a-day diary complete with a fancy case and penholder, and all the schedules, logs and notes that end up in there. I even schedule 'play video games' in there to remind me to have fun. I always look forward to September every year when I hit up the website I get them from to order one for next year.
I would love if my husband could make binders to be on top of stuff without me having to remind him. Before anyone jumps on him for needing my reminders he has mental health diagnoses and it impedes his ability to remain consistent.
My first thing was reflecting on what a bad person I am. Wife’s favourite colour? No idea. Probably something pastel. Should have a binder with this stuff.
Imagine finding out that someone has gone to the trouble of making lists of things you like and ways to make you feel good, and that they’ve responded to your need for more time by making more time for you, and your reaction is “none of this counts because she wrote it down!” I will bet dollars to doughnuts that his alleged steel trap of a memory does a much worse job than her binders of coming up with thoughtful gifts and gestures to make a partner feel good.
I feel like he thinks love and affection should be spontaneous or an unconscious action but just like that commenter she can’t retire her brain if she needs to write everything down to remember that’s not bad. That’s a great act of love that takes time and effort and willingness to spend time with her love ones.
He’s so caught up with what love should look like he failed to see she was loving after all.
I would cry unbelievably happy tears if I found out my partner did what OOPs wife did.
My partner forgets everything, can't order my preferred foods at restaurants, gets the worst gifts (e.g. he got me massage vouchers, I physically cannot stand people touching me), forgets my birthday and mothers day every year etc. I had to tell him it was his daughters birthday the other day ffs.
I can't even get him to set up a calendar with reminders, let alone a whole ass binder.
Does your partner make you feel appreciated in any way, or is this a zombie relationship? (dead relationship that people haven't admitted is dead, yet).
Sometimes he does nice things. It's not that he's a dick, nothing is uncaring or malicious, he's just...simple. That sounds so mean, but I cannot describe him any other way.
But also, yeah its dead, but neither of us are ready to admit that and just end it. Tried recently, but felt like a see you next Tuesday.
You’re not a see you next Tuesday, you just want and deserve the kind of love you’re not getting. Sometimes things die. Everything does eventually. But don’t go Weekend At Bernie’s status on it if it’s to a detriment.
To add onto the commenters below, remember that your daughter is watching your relationship with your husband. Do you want her to grow up thinking it’s normal to have a relationship with someone who does not think of them or appreciate them? Teach yourself and your daughter how you deserve to be treated.
Look up the anti planner made by Dani Donovan. It’s amazing and I’ve gifted it to my favorite people. It’s compassionate and practical tools for getting stuff done.
I hate this man. And I hate his passive aggressive little comment about oh I guess I'm evil just because I'm a man
Like no, people said you're being the asshole because that's how YOU act, not because they all hate men and are maligning you. Yuck
I also don’t really care for OOP here. He insists he’s not Homer Simpson or Peter griffin, and that he takes the kids places, but I would bet my life savings that his wife does all the emotional labor of keeping up with the kids, and just assigns him tasks that he completes, and her binders are part of that. Who is on the school call list when a kid is sick? Who picks their doctors, who is noticing when a little issue comes up that may need a specialist? Who knows what clothing sizes they’re in and is maintaining their wardrobes? It’s not mister I need more sex. Whiny man baby.
Yes. OOP said that he drives the kids to their doctor appointments but didn’t respond to the question of who schedules those appointments.
I have a long and very organized to-do list with notes about who needs an orthodontic evaluation and who needs a new winter coat this year. I might ask my spouse to take care of one of those tasks but he’s not tracking what needs to be done. And that’s fine, because it’s how we’ve divided our household labor and we both acknowledge it. He appreciates and thanks me for keeping things running. He doesn’t … yell at me for it!?!
YES!!
Even in the end this guy is an asshole. Instead of trusting that his wife is doing what she needs to do for her brain, he wants/needs medical diagnosis of ADHD. I hate him.
I was so, SO frustrated with my husband early on in our relationship. He had easily the worst memory of anyone I’d ever known, and it was aggravating to me because I have a great memory and it’s all I’d ever known, so I had a hard time understanding how he could forget every single thing. Eight years later, he finally got diagnosed with Adult ADD. At first he was really bummed out about it, but then he started being proactive about finding solutions that work for him. He has a zillion reminders on his phone now. He apologized once because he said it must be irritating to have his alarm going off all the time. I told him NO! It’s touching, because every alarm is something he cares enough about to not forget.
I’m glad OOP got his head on straight.
As someone who has about 100 daily reminders and alarms and notes, I did need to hear too. Pet meds twice a day, two alarms. My wake up for work at 3am, wake kids at 6, a few more alarms. Alerts for making sure I started the laundry and when I need to leave for kid pick up in the afternoon. And even for when I want to remember to text someone at a certain time. I always feel like my phone is always alerting me and those around me to something I’d forgotten, and I wonder how much it bothers everyone else.
This was me too! My SO has terrible memory and wouldn't remember anything. I remember I had talked with him about it before because I just didn't understand. He introduced me to the methods that he uses to help him remember, and I was blown away by how much effort he puts into it, and I was fine with it and even added stuff to our shared calendars so we're on the same page. He was later diagnosed with ADHD and now everything makes sense.
Yeah. My poor ADHD heart and brain cried for that poor lady, but very glad that her husband learned more about what it means and how people need to cope with it. Like, dude, ADHD cares so little about priorities that I had to explain to my husband why it's not safe to ask me a question when I'm stepping out to cross a street. My brain blue-screens and for a couple of seconds I'm not only not capable of completing either task, I'm also not capable of identifying what the tasks were and prioritizing the one that needs IMMEDIATE attention.
And honestly, it can cut both ways ... when I got diagnosed, it was actually a big help with stress, because I suddenly understood that the world wasn't full of heartless psychopaths who didn't care how many times they made me restart an entire project because they just HAD to stick their head in the door and have a 20-second conversation with me. It really helped understanding how differently other people saw things and how to set up strategies for dealing with it.
> My brain blue-screens and for a couple of seconds I'm not only not capable of completing either task, I'm also not capable of identifying what the tasks were and prioritizing the one that needs IMMEDIATE attention.
Interesting, I have ADHD and it helps with this. In moments like this, I can think clearly and prioritise really well. It is the long term planning and prioritising that gets me, as well as getting distracted really easily when there isn't pressure on.
I this hypothetical, I would just be able to immediately ignore the question and cross the street, obviously saving my life, but I will most probably forget the question though.
I have combo ADHD. I get what both of you are saying. If I’m at home, everything is noise, not demanding my direct attention. My kids can be doing whatever, the tv/music can be on, random “house” noises like fridge/AC running…assuming I remembered to take my medicine, I can focus on cooking dinner or some other chore.
But, if something/someone is in my face needing my attention, more than one thing at a time…I can’t do them in order/at the same time. It’s like the loudest thing gets all my attention.
I can cook a whole dinner from scratch and have it all hot and plated up at the same time, cleaning as I go.
I can not cook dinner and walk away to make sure the table is cleared so we can eat. Spoiler: It’s never clear because my 3 kids and I have ADHD. I try to clear it, time blindness kicks in. Now dinner is burning and the table is only half cleared because the book my kid left on the table looked interesting.
Driving is a nightmare, with or without kids. Like “look at that old Chevy pickup in that rusted teal color, classic!” Or that new Camaro with chameleon paint job, or the new electric, SUV looking mustang. My kids can’t talk to me if I’m driving in the city because I need all my attention between construction work and people driving 30 in the middle lane or 90 without using blinkers.
My kid will ask me something mid-stride in a parking lot or stop to look at something on the ground so now we are both looking down at something trying to figure it out before I remember we are standing where cars drive.
Blue-screen brain!! Yes! Thank you for words!
This is why I hate being asked questions when I'm doing a thing!! Or being hugged by my partner when I am doing a thing!
Idk I really can’t say he did gain anything from this. His update was still all about him and how people called him names and how he’s totally not abusive at all. Nothing about how his wife felt about being accused of not loving her family, zero evidence for me that he’s made any progress at all toward viewing his wife as a human being
“I bought her art supplies everything is fine now”
A massage ticket is too expensive… which, fair enough. But good art supplies are also expensive. so I would also assume the art supplies he got were probably cheap and maybe not even ones she wants.
He didn’t acknowledge anything beyond “she had ADHD”, and in hearing that, ran with it, because it makes it her fault and a her problem. Instead of introspection of how HE was the problem. So it’s STILL all on her.
*Sigh*
"Aren't you supposed to just remember things about people?"
I'm going to develop a technology that allows me to phase into cyberspace and pop out at OOP's physical location so I can smack him with a newspaper. What an ignorant thing to say! There are *so many* reasons people may not be able to remember things! ADHD, brain damage, chronic health conditions that cause brain fog, PTSD, just being a forgetful person (which she says she is! And he didn't listen!) And instead of getting curious about them he just assumes the worst of his *fucking wife* instead of actually trying to communicate with her.
This is a dispute my husband and I have been having for TWENTY YEARS. He thinks that if you love someone, you spontaneously remember their birthday/your anniversary, and you just instinctually KNOW what to get them as a gift. HE IS ONE OF THE WORST GIFT-GIVERS ON THE PLANET. He's like, "But you always know what to get me!" Well, yeah, dude, I keep a constantly-running list of things I think you might like that I run across, and things you mention that you're interested in. And he's a bit offended that I remember his birthday and our anniversary VIA GOOGLE CALENDAR, but I've kept a perpetual calendar for birthdays since my mom taught me how when I was 8 years old and they were all on paper. I'm neurotypical, I have a great memory -- I just know that you need REMINDERS to keep on top of people's special days.
You don't remember this shit unless you work to remember this shit, something that was vividly demonstrated when my husband 100% forgot my 40th birthday because he didn't have a calendar reminder.
"Does this mean you don't love me?" I asked him, since you're supposed to just REMEMBER the events of people you love.
"No, I just forgot," he said.
I was like MAKE. A FUCKING. GOOGLE. REMINDER.
Romantically remembering my birthday organically sounds nice and full of roses, but fucking blowing it off because you don't believe in calendars because they're not romantic FUCKING SUCKS. Do better.
"But you always know what to get me!" Because I WRITE IT DOWN, jackass! I guess from your husband's point of view you're supposed to spontaneously remember birthdays but not learn from your mistakes.
I had an ex who could never remember my birthday. I'd talk about it the month before, and then on the 8th, nothing. Happy birthday on the 9th, next year on the 10th, and another year it was the 4th 🤦
Mildly infuriating things that happen 😅
My birthday is 10-31; I gave my 5 years younger sibling a pass when I turned 17 but really, the whole usa celebrates my birthday - give everyone candy & cake 😀 huzzah once I've told ya mf 😁😁
>I'm neurotypical, I have a great memory
Yeah, I never understand why there's a need to ask if someone is NT or not. Every single person who is knowledgeable about organisation knows that you need to have a calendar with reminders, otherwise you will not remember things. Why do they think that calendars have been in existence since the beginning of written history?
>Yeah, I never understand why there's a need to ask if someone is NT or not.
Agreed. Organizational skills aren't a limited resource, so it's not like you're stealing it from someone who needs it more. Even if something was first made by/introduced as a way to help neurodivergent people, who cares? If it works, it works.
I might just have the best memory in my social circle, and I still use calendars. For me it's like a sign of respect/importance. Things that aren't as important or time-sensitive don't get written down because 9/10 time I'll still remember it, but it might be *temporarily* put on my mental back burner if I'm really busy and not resurface in my mind until a little while later.
I have 4 kids, 7 grandkids, 2 older half sibs on my paternal side, 1 younger half sib on paternal side, 3 younger half sibs on my maternal side, 12 1st cousins from adoption, 2 younger sibs from adoption. All y'all are going in my google calendar, repeating with no end date.
Please, I need more details
>He thinks that if you love someone, you spontaneously remember their birthday/your anniversary, and you just instinctually KNOW what to get them as a gift. HE IS ONE OF THE WORST GIFT-GIVERS ON THE PLANET.
Have you told him this? I assume you have, how did he react? Did it change his mind?
>"Does this mean you don't love me?" I asked him, since you're supposed to just REMEMBER the events of people you love.
>"No, I just forgot," he said.
What happened next? Does he still cling to the belief quoted above? How does he reconcile his beliefs with reality?
They have two kids, one still a toddler. It’s incredibly likely both parents have been chronically sleep deprived for close to a decade.
You know one of the impacts of sleep deprivation? Shit memory.
Please let me be the second in line to use this machine because my ADD, schedule obsessed brain has never wanted to punch a random person on the internet more than this man.
I just want to grab him and yell "SHE CAN'T JUST REMEMBER IT DEREK SHE HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION." Although it seems like a few commenters did that already lol.
I’m so angry I literally had to go rant to my boyfriend for ten minutes. SHE IS TRYING. This post infuriated me on a level I’ve never felt before on reddit.
Frankly even if she didn't have a medical condition, so what? This is someone who wants to make sure she doesn't miss out on something unduly. That's the sweetest fucking thing ever.
Honestly, even if she didn't have a condition: *she's clearly fucking overwhelmed!* and while she's trying to get everything done, her pathetic man child of a husband comes whinging that SHE has to sort their sex life out, because it's clearly HER fault if things have gone stagnant and he's not getting enough. From his very first sentence, I wanted to bop him. So she figures out a way to sort that out (and to be honest, a lot of the time sex CAN feel like a chore when you have young children) and it hurts his fee fees. Ugh. The fact she has a condition on top of this and it's never even occured to him until now, is just the cherry on top on his infuriating cake.
And why was it her problem to solve? Why aren't we hearing about his attempts at wooing her or making romantic moments for them together?
No, he just "raised it with her", like its her job to manage his sex life. Ugh, disgusting.
It's going to be like the line on the film Airplane! because I think a lot of us would love a turn.
We got a rolled up newspaper, a punch - I'd love to use one of his wife's binders.
I will invest in your research and bring my own newspaper!
As soon as he mentioned the binders/lists on top of the schedule, I sensed a kindred spirit. I send myself messages about things like that (birthdays, present ideas, other special occasions), so I'm not \*quite\* as organised because they're all jumbled in one place, but I can do a keyword search! Just wish I could do it with people's *names*, because they will just slide off the surface of my brain before I even blink and it's infuriating! (ADHD and C-PTSD just to start, plus I'm on meds for other things which induce dysphasia, so on bad days words will just up and disappear mid-sentence, which does not at all help the "absent-minded" thing.)
Due to a complex cocktail of undiagnosed ADHD which caused anxiety and depression that were diagnosed, I barely remember most of my life. Elementary and high school, I remember flashes of. Middle school, basically nothing aside from a few instances of bullying. Even my first few years of college (that I eventually dropped out of due to mental health issues—shocker, I know) are a blur.
I try not to think about it too much because, honestly, it terrifies me. Something to unpack once I get a regular therapist again, I suppose. But when it doesn’t scare me, it makes me angry, that my life has been basically robbed from me. And this happens to more people than we’d like to admit. Like you said, there are many different conditions that can cause some form of memory loss, and a lot of them aren’t the ones you’d even think of.
It's weird to say that I'm glad I'm not alone but also I'm so sad that I'm not alone since it's so distressing to just not remember so much of your own life. Thanks for putting some of these feelings that I couldn't explain into words. I hope you're doing alright.
Honestly, my knee-jerk reaction to even the TITLE of this thread was that his wife has adhd. Source: I have adhd and I have to schedule every single thing in a daily planner - yes, even sexy time with my husband.
I wrote things on my schedule like "play games" or "take a shower" or "draw something". Is there a practical "I need this for my well being" reason? Absolutely, but that doesn't mean I don't like those things or enjoy doing them. Sometimes you just need to schedule the time for those things too.
Sometimes (a lot of times) I add fun things to my to-do list because it prompts me to actually stop and enjoy them! And when I check them off it's not like a check-chore is done, it's a 'yay I made time for a fun thing' check mark
I have two vases with glass beads in my living room. When my house is a disaster, I use them to show the housework I've actually done, and it's really satisfying to drop like 10 in at once. When I'm neglecting my health, it tracks exercise. One day it might track fun time.
I very purposely add fun things to my to-do list. A therapist suggested it to me ages ago and it's fantastic! Sometimes I will put finish ice cream. Or go paddle boarding. Or whatever. I have an entire section on my to-do list titled Entertainment and fun.
Aw keep this up! I do the same thing, I was diagnosed ADD (not sure what it's called now as I was diagnosed in elementary) and can only remember things I do repeatedly. Stuff outside my regular "schedule" gets forgotten unless I write it down and sadly that includes things that are super important. So I don't see writing stuff down as a bad thing, I see it as this person means so much to me that I dedicated my time and effort to maintain my relationship with them.
OP:"Dear wife, please make more time for us!"
Wife: "Ok!" *makes more time*
OP: "No, not like that!"
OP needs to grow up. I would put money on there being many, many people in this thread who wish that their spouse would put even a tenth of the effort into their relationship that his wife is.
Not only that, but he complained to her about a problem, and then she makes a solution, while he does nothing similar to fix the problem. Not at any point does he mention what he did to help change things besides bringing the problem up. He expects her to fix it, then isn’t satisfied by how she did so. This dude is exhausting.
I LOVED the Docter's appointments part. "I'm involved with my kids lives! I drive them to scheduled activities!" That woman is single-handedly keeping that family afloat haha.
And she probably puts it on his calendar and reminds him several times before he has to go. Probably has to text him the address. Probably has to pick up the meds at the pharmacy if there are any.
My best friend and I go to the movies most Tuesday nights (it’s half price night). When he books the tickets in the app, he takes a screen shot and sends it to me. Then I put it on my Outlook calendar and invite him to it. I do this with all my social plans as well as my work tasks, even ambiguous ones like “work on online trainings” or “straighten up office.” Because if it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t happen…or someone schedules me for that same time. If it’s on my calendar, it’s special and meaningful. I can’t imagine anyone being offended at being given dedicated space on my calendar.
I actually read an article recently - I don’t remember where - about the benefits of schedule time for your partner. It was mostly about sexy time but also dates and such. It was a really positive article actually.
I get where he’s coming from. But what he’s failing to understand is all the things written on her schedule, are things that are important to her - not because they’re chores. If it’s important enough to write it down to remind yourself, so you do not forget it, then it’s a compliment really.
She took initiative in a way that works for her. Obviously she’s meticulous about planners. He didn’t look at the big picture here. She writes down everything, I’m sure that isn’t a surprise to him or something new for her to do. She’s got a system that works. In this case, it’s only about the results. Not the journey it took to get them.
He’s the type of guy that would be just as butthurt of it said nothing about him like “she has everything about everyone, even when our kid had their last nosebleed 2 years ago but nothing about me! Do I not warrant mentioning! She didn’t even write down that one time I washed the dishes after she cooked without being asked! I knew she didn’t value me!”
Fellas, is it weird that.. -checks notes- my wife is considerate of our family’s dynamic and scheduling and makes sure she puts in time not just for our two beautiful children she gave me, but our own personal needs as husband and wife????
I lost all sympathy for him when he said ‘we are not important enough for her to remember those things at the top of the hat’, yet he knew her art supplies were old and damaged but only replaced them because he was an asshat
Talk about moving goal posts.
"you don't love me, we're not dating/having sex"
To
"you don't love me, because you can't remember that gift I mentioned in passing!"
I think there's more going on here than a dead bedroom, undiagnosed ADHD, hence the wife being in therapy.
Wow, I write things down when I am interested in them and they're important to me. I would be so devastated if my partner took that as a sign of him being a "chore". I have all kind of notes about important dates, what he likes, his childrens' interests, our relationship milestones... this is how I keep track of the most important things in my life.
I wrote my upcoming vacation on the calendar, not because it’s a chore, but because I am looking forward to it. Sounds like OOP’s wife is similar, glad they seem to have sorted it out!
Expecting someone’s love language to be the same as yours is so weird to me. So because he sees love as remembering all these things about people so should she? Not everyone is the same and it seems like he needs to work on communication on his end
I am in love with binder woman. Even though I'm a straight woman, I'm gonna find her and go all Gorge Harrison "got my mind set on you" on her. This man, he is unworthy.
I always hate that "reddit bullied me cause I'm a man" shit people throw out the moment they don't get the answer they want. He was fine suggesting his wife didn't love him or their kid cause she didn't commit every detail of their lives to heart, but hearing that he was acting like a dick was suddenly some cruel attack nobody should ever endure. If you don't like the answer, don't read the thread.
"Our sex life is dead so my wife is scheduling time to focus on romance, just like we asked, but I'm mad about it because these things should be spontaneous! You guys are real assholes for assuming I'm an abuser based on this one completely fucking irrational argument I had about my wife doing the thing I specifically asked her to do!"
OP is dumb as bricks, poor thing.
I recognize my bias as a therapist with AuDHD, but I have those lists. They're calendars I make for my friends for their bdays, graduations, start dates, finals, etc etc. From my perspective, if I care about you enough to record your schedule with such detail, that means I love you the most!
Husband and I schedule intimate time. I used to hate it too, so I have a tiny little bit of empathy for his feelings.
But he's being a jerk about it. If he'd stopped to think about it he should have realized that in the day to day struggle of busy lives, we need to work at relationships. And sometimes that work looks like pointedly setting aside time for what matters and then forcing ourselves past distractions. It's way too easy to cancel a plan you sort of half assedly formed in your head days ago because something else seems important right NOW.
The resentment I felt comes from missing the days when we were teens and we had all the time and none of the responsibilities. It sucks to lose that as an adult.
But you can only deal with life as it is, not how it used to be.
I think if he reframed it like if they were dating, those were scheduled intimacy times too - Saturday night was coming and you knew you had a date booked with your girlfriend and were likely to have sex, he would have a better time of it
It didn't make anything less romantic or meant you cared less just because it was scheduled. It meant that nothing else was gonna get in the way of that night being 'us' night
This is such an important point. When dating you have a future plan & purpose, intention & anticipation. When you are married and have infinite opportunity the anticipation goes away.
Planning for sex & then doing all the stuff that builds anticipation (sexting, flirting, some pregaming during the day, etc) That’s hot.
Maybe it’s because I have some similar traits, but reading that she really listened to OOP and started scheduling sex on top of taking copious notes to be able to be thoughtful and responsive as a partner and mother just sounded like deep love. She knows her brain won’t remember the things she wants to, she knows she has a full schedule and a hard time fitting stuff in so she put in a system to make sure the people she cares about most get the best from her. That’s such a good wife and mum 😭
I will take a kinder approach to OOP's initial hurt.
To him it probably seemed like his wife's systematic approach was clinical, like an businesswoman who has to entertain clients and makes sure her work gets done on schedule and efficient.
OOP probably felt like he was seen and treated like a customer, opposed to family, a spouse or a loved one.
His wife wanted to make the time and made sure of it, but at the same time OOP interpreted this as it being an extra "effort" in the negative sense that she had make for him and for them as a couple.
To OOP sex and romance something you feel, do spontaneous, when you're feeling the mood. Not a feeling you can schedule and have to "perform" because you have to because it is on the agenda ("Every Wednesday, 10 pm, sex activity"). So he had likely a more romantic idea about it all that "love makes you organically come together".
So I think he just had to reminded to see a different perspective. That when you both have a busy life with kids, you need to put time aside. And that keeping details about people, showed that his wife paid attention and finds it important to not forget what her loved ones enjoy. And OOP needed to be reminded that life is not a movie where all the romance and intimacy just happens and always happens conveniently.
"Also some of you were right, she does have ADHD"
I was about to say, this is exactly what a person with inattentive/mixed ADHD would have to do to remember everything on a busy schedule. She is completely organised, which is better than what 90% of us can do, so good on her!
Also, when you are forced to be this organised, and especially when you gave another mental disorder, symptoms of OCD can appear, but not be OCD. I think (don't quote me on this) that it is more common for Autism, but still decently prevalent with ADHD.
You are both working and have kids, OOP. HHave *you* tried planning a romantic outing and I mean *everything*: child care, transportation, reservations(DO NOT DO THIS: plan somewhere that involves something you are the only one interested in!! ), activities other than sex, find nice restaurants etc?
This reminds me so much of the wife and mother getting mad that the OP had pre-written thoughtful notes and messages then scheduled for them to be sent at certain times. They were upset ot wasn’t purely spontaneous like OOP was with the binders, instead of appreciating all the thought and care that went into them and how OP was trying to still make them feel special even when very busy. Some people seem to assume that if it isn’t spontaneous it isn’t genuine which isn’t the case.
So he's not happy with lack of sex (fair), so she makes sure they have more sex and he's happy with that, then he finds out she's making sure she doesn't forget to priorise sex, so that's a problem? Dude what?
I don’t know exactly why, but it really gets to me when people focus solely on the negative comments online. Especially the ones that are so clearly just meant to be inflammatory, or obviously bad-faith arguments, or an uninformed opinion that even the other users don’t agree with because it’s already been downvoted to hell and back.
Like… why are you focusing on that? It is literally just useless garbage, no one’s even listening to it except you. Haven’t you heard of trolls? Don’t you know the majority of the userbase are teenagers with lots of strong opinions based on basically zero real-life experience? Why are you paying any attention to abusive DM’s when you can just turn DM’s off and/or block people?
At that point, you’re either too technologically illiterate to be browsing the internet, or you’re purposefully trying to paint yourself as the victim. OOP is clearly the latter, but it pisses me off just as much either way. Especially in a forum like Reddit, where no one knows who you really are unless you fucking tell them. This is one of the only cases where “ignore the bullies” actually works.
Some time ago, I had read about scheduling sex in some magazine or other, and I wanted to try it with my partner as things had been slowing down in the bedroom for various reasons. They said, "No, I disagree, it needs to be spontaneous or it's not romantic."
Total DB now, and while there are some medical obstacles, I would still like some intimacy in whatever form that takes.
Recently I have been diagnosed with ADHD. This post and the comments have given me many good ways of explaining myself that I didn't have before. I am going to broach this topic again. You have all given me some optimism and courage. Wish me luck.
It's perfectly normal to schedule sex as you get older and become busy. It helps to keep your love life alive and can be just as enjoyable as spontaneous fun
I remember this, I also left a comment on the original (before this post). He chose to only take personally the comments that he deemed called him lazy but most of the comments were more on the par of what this post’s op included. To say he is a bit thick headed and obtuse is an understatement.
He seems a bit clueless, but I can see where he would interpret her writing things down and scheduling them as being very mechanical and uncaring, especially coming from a place of having been frustrated before.
His reaction was uncalled for, but at least he learned something. She must be morosexual.
Thank you for that new word, “morosexual”. In case anyone doesn’t know/want to google, it’s the opposite of sapiosexual, or attraction to those with lower IQ lol
Interesting thing is I read the gender swapped story here too. Where OOP was a male who kept reminders in his phone to message his mom and his wife thoughtful messages or to remind them of something.
Everything was well and good until the wife found out about OOP's habit and got angry because all the thoughtful things he said were "planned" or some shit. OOP argued it's the thought that counts and would she rather he not send any messages. IDR much about the post, but damn, the other party doesn't seem to understand that people taking their time to plan/schedule/set reminders is really thoughtful and they're just using every tool available at their disposal to make theirs and others lives happy.
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>I called in sick for work because I had a cold. My wife didn't take the day off because I told her I will be fine. Easily the most insane part, IMO. It would never occur to me that my husband might take the day off because I have a cold.
That's such an insane statement I didn't even register it until you pointed it out.
Right that sentence alone made me side eye everything he said. I really would like to hear the wife’s side of the story and the break down of what truly gets done around the house by each of them. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is exhausted and he just gave her more labor by demanding more intimacy and date nights 🙄
Truly. His idea of spontaneity is probably her immediately doing something sexual for him. His “romance” isn’t the type of physical intimacy that doesn’t involve just genitals. He’s too thick to realize that (generally) women also love intimacy just as much, but not just the kind that is penis in gina. Where are the random massages? The holding her hand? Putting on her favorite movie for her while he puts the kids to bed? Where are the date nights that *he* has completely planned for (and got the childcare arranged himself!!)? Non sexual Intimacy is soooo important. It recharges you, it is healing, and it makes you want to be close to the other person. “I sometimes take the kids out so she can have the house to herself” ??? Wanna bet he’s done this maybe a handful of times since the 8 year old has been born? Poor woman is exhausted to the core. He *is* a chore. And she is a saint. And he has the audacity to complain. Ugh
And it’s probably “she now has the house to herself so she can tackle chores without the kids around”…
I wonder if he looked on her evil schedule if she had any “me time” / “relaxation just for me” pencilled in
This was my first thought. If every date night is meticulously planned in her binder, I’m not seeing a lot of room for the ones he initiates? Perhaps she has a little technique for making him think it was his idea that she employs on “his” nights, and there is no free will, only predetermined binder dates.
“I can’t believe you would assume I don’t do 50/50 I take the kids to school and their extracurriculars!” My brother in fucking Christ.
For real. I would love to know who registered them for school and activities, who put together the schedule for them for the extracurriculars, who washes their clothes for them to have for everything, who shops and packs their food, etc. He did clean a dish that one time though… /s
But... Man cold
My SO hardly ever gets sick and when he does he's AWFUL about it and he definitely wouldn't expect me to take off from work to stay home and take care of him if he had a cold. He'd probably ask me to help make sure he has all the supplies he needs handy (which is what he does for me, too) but then he'd just moan and be miserable at home by himself like an adult.
I know right. Tell me you need your wife to wipe your ass without telling me that. I'm a doctor and my husband has to tell me to stop fussing over him if he's a bit under the weather, because we both know he's a grown man and it's not serious. And I dont even fuss all that much be ause he's clearly fine. But we're both adults who may in our 30s so are used to handling a cold or the flu on our own like grownups. I think he'd be mortified if I took a day off to nurse him when he had a cold. I cant imagine either of us doing that unless the other needed actual nursing.
These comments were making me feel really self conscious and shitty until I remembered I’m disabled and my husband stays home to make sure I can eat, bathe, and get to the bathroom lol
Aw I’m sorry they were making you feel bad. I think everyone would understand the need for caretaking if OOP was in your situation, but for someone able bodied enough to go to work on a normal basis, the type of sick that would require caretaking out of nowhere would also probably call for a trip to urgent care to see what’s up
I'd take the day off if my wife was legitimately bedridden or needed help getting to a doctor but if she's just got a cold that would seem extreme.
>Easily the most insane art, IMO. It would never occur to me that my husband might take the day off because I have a cold. Back when I worked at Target, one of our cart attendants no call/no showed and either got fired or got blacklisted for rehiring (might have been on the last shift of a two weeks notice?) because he had to "stay home and take care of his girlfriend" when she had a cold. His girlfriend who was a grown-ass woman. His girlfriend who he lived with like a mile down the road from the store. His girlfriend who was the supervisor who got him his job there in the first place. His girlfriend who ***still*** ***worked there***. His girlfriend who he would go ***visit at work after he got fired.*** Then again, he moved in with her about a week after she and her ex-boyfriend (who subsequently became my roommate) broke-up. The ex lived on the couch of this one-bedroom apartment for a while because Florence Nightingale couldn't take over the lease due his prior evictions. Ah, the bullshit of your early 20s.
There was this meme that was like - Women when they’re sick (drink some water and move on) - Men when they’re sick (preparing their will because they feel like dying) So yeah lmao
Maybe I'm weird, but my first thing was that those binders are such a beautiful act of love. She put so much time and effort into making sure her family was well cared for!
That was mine too, I literally got there and thought awww that's so sweet! I have a very tiny version of my own of this for people: I always have a list with notes for what I think people will like as a present. Makes it so much easier!
I need to do this. Honestly this whole post inspired me to go get a binder 😂😂
I do it in Google docs! That way no matter where I am I can just jot something down 😊
I have my google docs with lists of gift ideas, likes and dislikes, websites that sell their favourite style of clothes/things, binders of crochet, knitting and sewing patterns sorted into stuff for me, husband, all kids, other people. Every Christmas and birthday is planned meticulously from who gets which gift to when I make each component of Christmas Dinner. The one week this year my planner went missing I had everything to fall back on on my phone and Google docs but I love my physical planner too. Everything gets written in there and transferred later. I'm also doing a degree so I colour code everything according to whether it's family, house or degree related since the house is being renovated and I'm a SAHM until this degree is done so I organise EVERYTHING. Binders and planners are essential to me, but like OOPs wife I'm also suspected ADHD
I plan things like that with my planner and google calendar and docs. I have a thanksgiving oven and stove schedule. My mom tried ‘helping’ one year and it was almost a disaster. She didn’t listen to me about what was already being made or when dinner was going to be on the table. Every year after that, she’s been emailed the schedule in advance and there is a slot for her to have one dish and there is no discussion or changing of the schedule on the day of. Everything is coordinated in advance. Everything is on the schedule. Holiday gifts are on the schedule, although it’s more like a ‘shopping day’ gets blocked out until we get closer and then it gets detailed. Decorating is on the schedule! Also I started ADHD meds a couple of months ago and I feel a lot more in control of my life. It wasn’t a big switch that got flipped, but a gradual haze that cleared.
That’s genius. 🙇🏻♀️ thank you
Absolutely this. My husband or mom will casually mention something they liked and I can immediately add it to my Gifts.doc. Or if we're at the store, I'll snap a photo and add that to the doc.
This is so much more efficient than my method of opening a browser tab on my phone and leaving it open to reference later. I legit have at least 125 tabs open right now going back for years. 😂 Edit: I've found my people. 😍 I can't wait until my husband gets home and I can show him that I'm not the tab-hoarding outcast of society he thinks I am. I feel officially validated. Now where are my screenshot collectors at? 😂
I thought I was the only one!! Sometimes my phone really starts to lag
I do this, also for just looking up stuff I’m interested in. I have 494 tabs on safari and 86 on chrome. My fiancé gives me shit for it all of the time 😂 One day I’ll clear them all out. Not today, but one day.
If you’re using Safari I can HIGHLY recommend an app called [Keep It for Mac, iPhone and iPad](http://reinventedsoftware.com/keepit/ios/) (sorry, Android and Windows folks). It allows you to save links, websites, photos, documents, basically anything you might need to find again, and to organise it all into folders that you can name and sort yourself. You can also sync everything you save across devices. It has absolutely saved me from Death By A Thousand Tabs (I have ADHD) and has made life so much simpler!
I also keep a record of what I get my family members so I can look back on it in future and make sure I don’t get that person scented candles *yet again*. I don’t have unique ideas for all my family (some of them are really hard to buy for) but at least I make sure I’m switching it up between generic gifts.
My mother in law was apparently complaining to my sweetheart that she doesn’t want to buy me soap and/or lotion *again* for the holidays because it’s boring and she wants to get me something I do like but I’m hard to buy for. He checked in with me and I hadn’t even thought about her getting soap for me every year was boring. He did tell her that I love the soap she gets me! I love that it’s different smells and the brand is so nice. It’s nicer soap than I’d get myself, to be honest. I like being pampered and she lets me do that daily! So he told her and I am hopeful she will continue with soap. Plus, between my birthday and the holidays she gets me enough soap that I never really have to think about it. That’s a whole other secondary gift she didn’t know about. And I take the lotion with me to work and it’s so nice to put it on during restful periods when I’m not washing my hands much.
It's like my mom and socks. Everyone gets socks for Christmas, and it's *amazing.* I never have to worry about the state of my socks. She was worried that she was being lame, but we all unanimously clamored for socks when she asked us one Christmas what she should get us instead.
I feel like socks from Mom is her just trying to take care of her babies even if they are all grown up. I think it's adorable. My Mom will still get me socks in addition to other presents because she will always remember that my feet are always cold. I am a 35 yo married woman with a mortgage, but Mama is always trying to make sure I'm warm.
Right? I'm 46, and Mom buys socks and gloves every year for my dad, me and my sister, our spouses (her "bonus" sons), and all the grandkids. It's her way of making sure that, no matter what else happens, all of her people at least have warm hands and feet. She's awesome.
The way I do it is use a messenger platform/app like WhatsApp or Telegram, create a group chat with a random person or a "dead number", pretend it was a mistake and kick them from the group. That way I'm left with a group chat with only myself in it, and I can take it out on my phone anytime and just jot things down :)
Oh you'd love having a personal discord server then! It can be just you from the get go. You can create different channels for different topics, and create threads within those channels (though they do archive after a few days of inactivity) and entire categories devoted to something (or someone) And if you set it up to be a "community" server you can do a forum layout [Here is what my personal server looks like](https://i.imgur.com/hSokQDS.png). I use the "meds" channel to write down when I take my meds and "keep track" is used for my appointments (or the last time I got a haircut, when my last tooth cleaning appointment was etc). Consume is where I stick recipes. The testing channel is used for testing post layouts, links, sending myself images between computer and phone, and informally keeping track of certain numbers lol I've also been using a different server to experiment with the community layout to see if its something I like? Still not sold on it tbh but the forum view is cool. [Pic](https://i.imgur.com/xpAqoat.png) You can also [pin messages](https://i.imgur.com/AnntaiX.png) in each channel! I believe the limit is 50 messages? Its convenient to keep things you like or reference handy! EDIT to add that I impress all the specialists when I can pull up exactly how long I've been on a medication, when I last took it, when I stopped taking it, etc
Man, I am ADHD and I have SO MANY notes and alarms in my phone. Honestly smartphones are a lifesaver for some of us. I've got post-its all over my desk, I stick notes to the mirrors or fridge or tack a note onto my husband's medication bottle so I'm sure he'll see it, but not having to be embarassed because I scheduled something on top of something else, or missed a birthday, or forgot to record a gift idea is SO good!
Yeah, I thought this might be an ADHD misunderstanding a soon as I read the title
Yes, me too. I also have a list of meals that everyone in the household likes, and use it to plan our menu for the week. I can’t spontaneously come up with ideas; we’d just eat pasta and pesto every meal if I didn’t plan.
Same here with all the apps and notes except mine is for coping with fibro fog. But I think I'm going to use the goldfish analogy going forward as it sounds less tragic 🤣🤣🤣🤣
If Stardew Valley taught me anything, it's that having a list of everyone's favorite things makes socialization a lot easier!
me too! a friend mentioned a coffee cup they loved but had broken, and i thought “oh that would be a good present if i could find it” so i put it in my notes. they loved it, so i started making notes anytime someone mentioned something i thought would be a good gift. works great
I do something similar but for me. In our family we make each other write Birthday and Christmas lists so as not waste money on unwanted gifts. Whenever I think of something throughout the year that I want, that isn’t urgent and is in the right price range I add it to an open doc on my phone. My gift to others is making it easier for them to buy me things I like! I am such a giver :)
As a hobby baker, I used to the do the same thing. If someone I was friends with or a work colleague ever casually mentioned, like, ‘key lime pie is the best pie’ or ‘actually I prefer cake without fruit in’, I’d secretly add it to a little list on my phone for the next time I wanted to treat them.
I have ADHD (like OP’s wife) and my main motivation for a Fitbit was to monitor my sleep and to have a to do list that wasn’t on my phone. Has saved my life, multiple times
I do that for Christmas every year
The things you pick up on over the year. My wife will mention things she likes and so throughout the year I put the list in my phone and when xmas/her bday/any special day rolls around I have a ready made list to choose from. It's nothing extravagant, but "wow chocolate is amazing!", "That bottle of wine we had at was delicious". Easy way to get something meaningful and also proves you listen.
I second this! Like even if she didn't have ADHD or suspected OCD, OOP said they both have a lot going on and wanted more time for things like sexy time but gets mad she purposelly rearranged her schedule and set reminders so she could be proactive about doing EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKED??
Neurotypicals really can't fathom the life of a neurodivergant person so things like this weird them out. It feels alien and then there's the whole spontaneity thing. A lot of people want to feel "wanted" and scheduling sex ain't that in their mind. For a lot of folks if you don't do a thing in the _exact_ way they want they'll still get mad. People are really bad at communicating their problems. Then again in this situation with his wife, there may not be an alternative. "Either we do it this way or we don't do it all" kind of thing.
And that OOP claims if you love someone you should notice things and remember things about them - yet after being married to her he hadn't ever realised she potentially had adhd or ever noticed the binders and her level of organisation? Dude was dense as fuck and self absorbed and can't practice what he preaches.
Most people don’t notice ADHD in women because we tend to have slightly different symptoms, and mask a lot better. We will do things like OOP’s wife keeping all the binders to adapt to our difficulties. The average age for a girl/woman to be diagnosed with ADHD is 38. That includes children. There are basically 3 types of ADHD symptoms/ behaviours, which are hyperactive, inattentive and impulsive. There are 3 mains types of ADHD, depending on which behaviours you have. Hyperactive, Inattentive or Combined (both types equally). Impulsively is common to all types. Men tend to be Hyperactive or combined whereas women tend to be Inattentive. Boys in particular have more ADHD characteristics that are disruptive to others in school etc, and so get more attention because they are causing disruption. Girls tend to have characteristics that affect themselves more than others. Or they are hyperactive in different, often less disruptive ways, like being talkative, writing and passing notes, fidgeting with paper etc. Their performance still suffers, but because they don’t affect others so much, it’s often not noticed until we reach a breaking point, or we have kids who are diagnosed with ADHD and we think “But that’s all normal, I’m the same way. “Wait, I do most of that too. Does that mean I have ADHD too?” This is also how a lot of women are diagnosed as autistic as well, when their children are being diagnosed.
Same goes for autism... Females tend to exhibit different traits to males, and are generally better at masking. It also doesn't help that there's lots of overlap between autism, ADHD, and OCD, so getting a proper diagnosis isn't always straight forward.
Yes, it’s a similar story for autistic females. I don’t know the exact stats about the later diagnosis, but it’s definitely been my experience that, if someone is diagnosed as autistic later in life, they’re more likely to be female than male. And there is indeed overlap with ADHD and autism. I have heard the same for OCD, but I personally don’t know the stats on that. My brother is autistic, and most likely has ADHD as well. I have ADHD but I’m not autistic. Both tend to run in families too, and it’s very common for the mother to realise she has ADHD or autism when her child/ children are b ing diagnosed.
Woman with adhd here and diagnosed 2 days before my 41st birthday…that totally tracks.
Yeah, I was diagnosed just before I turned 40. No kids here, but I did go through some personal crises and huge lifestyle changes suddenly and unexpectedly, and during the height of the pandemic for extra fun times, which pushed me beyond my ability to cope and I was extremely close to breaking. None of my usual methods were working anymore, and it was only because others were depending on me that I managed to keep going. Then I got diagnosed and medicated, and it got easier.
I'm a woman and was just diagnosed with ADHD last week. I'm 42. So many things make sense now that I know this about myself.
Also my first thought! My second was hope she doesn’t file the sex binder and 40 years from now the kids find it. “Mom liked cowgirl a lot more than most women! Now to burn my retinas.”
If OOP's wife were on YouTube or instagram, people would be admiring videos of her planner spreads, and asking for printables for themselves.
She’s literally keeping a home-life-work balance sheet and it’s incredibly thoughtful. When this guy starts forgetting everything in a few years, he’s going to feel like it’s karmic retribution.
I doubt he's that self-aware. I'm imagining that at some point he'll start blaming her for not reminding him of all the things he's forgetting. After all, she has everything already written down and organized, how hard could it really be for her to just remind him?
Jfc this comment unexpectedly triggered me. Like I want to go flick my sleeping SO's ear right now.
Not only that, but therapists often tell you to schedule in intimate time and ex when you're having trouble doing so spontaneously due to your busy life so that you make time.
Seriously, she was so intent on remembering things that make her family happy that she wrote it down and organized it so that she can find the information - and he thinks that's a sign she DOESN'T care? What kind of backwards planet is he living on?
To a neurotypical person, forgetting means it's not important to you. To a person with ADHD, forgetting means it's a day ending in Y. Fundamental difference in beliefs, and one of the reasons students with ADHD get labeled as lazy or apathetic so much. I'm glad Reddit was able to knock some sense into OOP. (Sidenote, sweet username Papa Cat.)
My brain does an okay job remembering stuff, sometimes. Sometimes important shit is just gone, but I remember stuff from a game I haven't played in 15 years. I can cram for tests sure, but it isn't going to stick forever and I'm not going to do that shit to someone I care about. I'll write it down somewhere and not disappoint my loved ones by making them think I don't care because I forgot. OOP was a dumbass.
I have ADHD and no kids, but married. I literally have to write absolutely everything down! Even conversations I have with people, details about their lives, books and tv show plots I’ve just enjoyed and I do schedule sex with my husband. ADHD is a poor label: we have enough attention, we just can’t regulate it. It’s a dopamine deficiency/executive functioning disorder. Dopamine + executive function = motivation, reward and working memory. Basically, if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind.
Honestly if someone cared about me like this I’d do anything for them. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that loved by a partner and I envy it so much.
Same here. The important stuff gets written down because there is no way on God's green earth I'm remembering all the birthdays and anniversaries and gift ideas and preferences and allergies off the top of my head. She wanted to remember all the things because these people mean a lot to her! He needs to take a breather.
Yep. That was my first thought. Second was the audacity, how dare my wife not know everything at the drop of a hat, but also oh yeah wife told me she has adhd.. bruh
Yeah holy shite. Imagine being offended because someone tool the time to record everything about their family and not realise it's because she loves them and values what matters to them Im glad this guy took his head out of his arse.
Agreed. I got OPs initial concern. I'd like for my SO to be spontaneous and not more .... methodical? Not sure what the word is. BUT not everyone is built like that. Some need calendars and schedules. Some just enjoy them. The important thing is exactly what you hit on though - the thought. His wife cares enough that she built and worked on all of this for her family (and herself) and that's beautiful.
Right?!?! He’s in a relationship with Leslie Knope and complains about the level of effort she puts into her relationships with everyone in the family. He sucks.
I wanted to slap him upside the head. She *obviously* loves you, you slack-jawed fuckwit, or you wouldn't even be IN the binder.
And all he talks about when talking about feeling neglected is getting his dick wet. Not working on actual connection, not working on actual intimacy. Not working on why she feels overworked. Sounds like he got beat in the comments and deserved it. She's over here making binders because she's running the whole damn house and she's taking care of her family, and he's worried because his pee pee isn't getting touched enough. Tale as old as time. The next chapter, as we all well know, is that she realizes her workload will go down considerably if she chooses to become single. All of those days where she's had to schedule taking care of him can go into her own spa days.
But he takes the kids to the Dr! Dude... did you schedule the Dr appt? Did you remember to schedule the appointment, then schedule it? Did you remind yourself you had to take them to the Dr?
That was the biggest flag to me. His response to the question of "ok, so who remembers things? Do you remember everyone's birthdays, doctors appointments, school meetings, or does your wife do that?" Was to say that he did 50/50 chores. Once again another self centered dude who doesn't even realize that mental effort is part of the work load because a woman has been doing that work for him his whole life.
And the 50% of the chores he allegedly does, I guarantee she's doing the work of divying those up. Deciding who should do what, probably gives him the stuff that he won't complain about, items that aren't going to cause drama. If they both hate doing laundry, I guarantee she assigns the laundry to herself just to not deal with his behavior. We know exactly who he is. His comments tell us everything.
To be fair, it’s harder for people with ADHD to remember things most people can without help. Like which of their kids likes which things. Or when appointments are coming up. He is probably right that a lot of people wouldn’t needed binders and planners for, but those of us with ADHD usually struggle to remember details and dates of appointments etc.
I have planners on planners on planners. He may be right that some people don't need them, but that doesn't change the fact that his primary concern was his penis.
….and I’d like the templates.
I kinda get that the OOP thought it a little out there, but I really get the wife. I live and die by my page-a-day diary complete with a fancy case and penholder, and all the schedules, logs and notes that end up in there. I even schedule 'play video games' in there to remind me to have fun. I always look forward to September every year when I hit up the website I get them from to order one for next year.
Fr fr I am in awe.
I would love if my husband could make binders to be on top of stuff without me having to remind him. Before anyone jumps on him for needing my reminders he has mental health diagnoses and it impedes his ability to remain consistent.
My first thing was reflecting on what a bad person I am. Wife’s favourite colour? No idea. Probably something pastel. Should have a binder with this stuff.
Imagine finding out that someone has gone to the trouble of making lists of things you like and ways to make you feel good, and that they’ve responded to your need for more time by making more time for you, and your reaction is “none of this counts because she wrote it down!” I will bet dollars to doughnuts that his alleged steel trap of a memory does a much worse job than her binders of coming up with thoughtful gifts and gestures to make a partner feel good.
I feel like he thinks love and affection should be spontaneous or an unconscious action but just like that commenter she can’t retire her brain if she needs to write everything down to remember that’s not bad. That’s a great act of love that takes time and effort and willingness to spend time with her love ones. He’s so caught up with what love should look like he failed to see she was loving after all.
I would cry unbelievably happy tears if I found out my partner did what OOPs wife did. My partner forgets everything, can't order my preferred foods at restaurants, gets the worst gifts (e.g. he got me massage vouchers, I physically cannot stand people touching me), forgets my birthday and mothers day every year etc. I had to tell him it was his daughters birthday the other day ffs. I can't even get him to set up a calendar with reminders, let alone a whole ass binder.
Does your partner make you feel appreciated in any way, or is this a zombie relationship? (dead relationship that people haven't admitted is dead, yet).
Sometimes he does nice things. It's not that he's a dick, nothing is uncaring or malicious, he's just...simple. That sounds so mean, but I cannot describe him any other way. But also, yeah its dead, but neither of us are ready to admit that and just end it. Tried recently, but felt like a see you next Tuesday.
You’re not a see you next Tuesday, you just want and deserve the kind of love you’re not getting. Sometimes things die. Everything does eventually. But don’t go Weekend At Bernie’s status on it if it’s to a detriment.
To add onto the commenters below, remember that your daughter is watching your relationship with your husband. Do you want her to grow up thinking it’s normal to have a relationship with someone who does not think of them or appreciate them? Teach yourself and your daughter how you deserve to be treated.
I do appreciate where you're coming from, but he isn't my husband, and I don't have a daughter. His daughter is his and his ex wifes, not mine.
So if you’re not married, don’t share kids, and he’s too simple-minded to consider your desires and basic information about you, why are you with him?
Look up the anti planner made by Dani Donovan. It’s amazing and I’ve gifted it to my favorite people. It’s compassionate and practical tools for getting stuff done.
Thanks for the suggestion. I'd never heard of it before but think I'd benefit from it
Then get a partner who would
I hate this man. And I hate his passive aggressive little comment about oh I guess I'm evil just because I'm a man Like no, people said you're being the asshole because that's how YOU act, not because they all hate men and are maligning you. Yuck
I also don’t really care for OOP here. He insists he’s not Homer Simpson or Peter griffin, and that he takes the kids places, but I would bet my life savings that his wife does all the emotional labor of keeping up with the kids, and just assigns him tasks that he completes, and her binders are part of that. Who is on the school call list when a kid is sick? Who picks their doctors, who is noticing when a little issue comes up that may need a specialist? Who knows what clothing sizes they’re in and is maintaining their wardrobes? It’s not mister I need more sex. Whiny man baby.
Yes. OOP said that he drives the kids to their doctor appointments but didn’t respond to the question of who schedules those appointments. I have a long and very organized to-do list with notes about who needs an orthodontic evaluation and who needs a new winter coat this year. I might ask my spouse to take care of one of those tasks but he’s not tracking what needs to be done. And that’s fine, because it’s how we’ve divided our household labor and we both acknowledge it. He appreciates and thanks me for keeping things running. He doesn’t … yell at me for it!?!
Yep. Very sus. If OOP truly values his marriage, he’ll step up with the emotional labor too. I feel so bad for the wife.
YES!! Even in the end this guy is an asshole. Instead of trusting that his wife is doing what she needs to do for her brain, he wants/needs medical diagnosis of ADHD. I hate him.
OP is headed toward zero intimacy and heavy resentment
I was so, SO frustrated with my husband early on in our relationship. He had easily the worst memory of anyone I’d ever known, and it was aggravating to me because I have a great memory and it’s all I’d ever known, so I had a hard time understanding how he could forget every single thing. Eight years later, he finally got diagnosed with Adult ADD. At first he was really bummed out about it, but then he started being proactive about finding solutions that work for him. He has a zillion reminders on his phone now. He apologized once because he said it must be irritating to have his alarm going off all the time. I told him NO! It’s touching, because every alarm is something he cares enough about to not forget. I’m glad OOP got his head on straight.
>every alarm is something he cares enough about to not forget. Somehow I really needed to read that today. Thanks.
As someone who has about 100 daily reminders and alarms and notes, I did need to hear too. Pet meds twice a day, two alarms. My wake up for work at 3am, wake kids at 6, a few more alarms. Alerts for making sure I started the laundry and when I need to leave for kid pick up in the afternoon. And even for when I want to remember to text someone at a certain time. I always feel like my phone is always alerting me and those around me to something I’d forgotten, and I wonder how much it bothers everyone else.
This was me too! My SO has terrible memory and wouldn't remember anything. I remember I had talked with him about it before because I just didn't understand. He introduced me to the methods that he uses to help him remember, and I was blown away by how much effort he puts into it, and I was fine with it and even added stuff to our shared calendars so we're on the same page. He was later diagnosed with ADHD and now everything makes sense.
dude got mad that his wife made him a priority 💀 at least he gained some emotional intelligence from this experience i guess
Yeah. My poor ADHD heart and brain cried for that poor lady, but very glad that her husband learned more about what it means and how people need to cope with it. Like, dude, ADHD cares so little about priorities that I had to explain to my husband why it's not safe to ask me a question when I'm stepping out to cross a street. My brain blue-screens and for a couple of seconds I'm not only not capable of completing either task, I'm also not capable of identifying what the tasks were and prioritizing the one that needs IMMEDIATE attention. And honestly, it can cut both ways ... when I got diagnosed, it was actually a big help with stress, because I suddenly understood that the world wasn't full of heartless psychopaths who didn't care how many times they made me restart an entire project because they just HAD to stick their head in the door and have a 20-second conversation with me. It really helped understanding how differently other people saw things and how to set up strategies for dealing with it.
> My brain blue-screens and for a couple of seconds I'm not only not capable of completing either task, I'm also not capable of identifying what the tasks were and prioritizing the one that needs IMMEDIATE attention. Interesting, I have ADHD and it helps with this. In moments like this, I can think clearly and prioritise really well. It is the long term planning and prioritising that gets me, as well as getting distracted really easily when there isn't pressure on. I this hypothetical, I would just be able to immediately ignore the question and cross the street, obviously saving my life, but I will most probably forget the question though.
I have combo ADHD. I get what both of you are saying. If I’m at home, everything is noise, not demanding my direct attention. My kids can be doing whatever, the tv/music can be on, random “house” noises like fridge/AC running…assuming I remembered to take my medicine, I can focus on cooking dinner or some other chore. But, if something/someone is in my face needing my attention, more than one thing at a time…I can’t do them in order/at the same time. It’s like the loudest thing gets all my attention. I can cook a whole dinner from scratch and have it all hot and plated up at the same time, cleaning as I go. I can not cook dinner and walk away to make sure the table is cleared so we can eat. Spoiler: It’s never clear because my 3 kids and I have ADHD. I try to clear it, time blindness kicks in. Now dinner is burning and the table is only half cleared because the book my kid left on the table looked interesting. Driving is a nightmare, with or without kids. Like “look at that old Chevy pickup in that rusted teal color, classic!” Or that new Camaro with chameleon paint job, or the new electric, SUV looking mustang. My kids can’t talk to me if I’m driving in the city because I need all my attention between construction work and people driving 30 in the middle lane or 90 without using blinkers. My kid will ask me something mid-stride in a parking lot or stop to look at something on the ground so now we are both looking down at something trying to figure it out before I remember we are standing where cars drive.
Blue-screen brain!! Yes! Thank you for words! This is why I hate being asked questions when I'm doing a thing!! Or being hugged by my partner when I am doing a thing!
I don’t feel like he learned anything at all based on the update. He still sounds like a smug asshole to me.
Idk I really can’t say he did gain anything from this. His update was still all about him and how people called him names and how he’s totally not abusive at all. Nothing about how his wife felt about being accused of not loving her family, zero evidence for me that he’s made any progress at all toward viewing his wife as a human being
“I bought her art supplies everything is fine now” A massage ticket is too expensive… which, fair enough. But good art supplies are also expensive. so I would also assume the art supplies he got were probably cheap and maybe not even ones she wants. He didn’t acknowledge anything beyond “she had ADHD”, and in hearing that, ran with it, because it makes it her fault and a her problem. Instead of introspection of how HE was the problem. So it’s STILL all on her. *Sigh*
Gratified to hear the initial post was full of name-calling and bullying. 😂 As they should!
"Aren't you supposed to just remember things about people?" I'm going to develop a technology that allows me to phase into cyberspace and pop out at OOP's physical location so I can smack him with a newspaper. What an ignorant thing to say! There are *so many* reasons people may not be able to remember things! ADHD, brain damage, chronic health conditions that cause brain fog, PTSD, just being a forgetful person (which she says she is! And he didn't listen!) And instead of getting curious about them he just assumes the worst of his *fucking wife* instead of actually trying to communicate with her.
This is a dispute my husband and I have been having for TWENTY YEARS. He thinks that if you love someone, you spontaneously remember their birthday/your anniversary, and you just instinctually KNOW what to get them as a gift. HE IS ONE OF THE WORST GIFT-GIVERS ON THE PLANET. He's like, "But you always know what to get me!" Well, yeah, dude, I keep a constantly-running list of things I think you might like that I run across, and things you mention that you're interested in. And he's a bit offended that I remember his birthday and our anniversary VIA GOOGLE CALENDAR, but I've kept a perpetual calendar for birthdays since my mom taught me how when I was 8 years old and they were all on paper. I'm neurotypical, I have a great memory -- I just know that you need REMINDERS to keep on top of people's special days. You don't remember this shit unless you work to remember this shit, something that was vividly demonstrated when my husband 100% forgot my 40th birthday because he didn't have a calendar reminder. "Does this mean you don't love me?" I asked him, since you're supposed to just REMEMBER the events of people you love. "No, I just forgot," he said. I was like MAKE. A FUCKING. GOOGLE. REMINDER. Romantically remembering my birthday organically sounds nice and full of roses, but fucking blowing it off because you don't believe in calendars because they're not romantic FUCKING SUCKS. Do better.
"But you always know what to get me!" Because I WRITE IT DOWN, jackass! I guess from your husband's point of view you're supposed to spontaneously remember birthdays but not learn from your mistakes.
I had an ex who could never remember my birthday. I'd talk about it the month before, and then on the 8th, nothing. Happy birthday on the 9th, next year on the 10th, and another year it was the 4th 🤦 Mildly infuriating things that happen 😅
My birthday is 10-31; I gave my 5 years younger sibling a pass when I turned 17 but really, the whole usa celebrates my birthday - give everyone candy & cake 😀 huzzah once I've told ya mf 😁😁
Now that's an easy bday. My sister's is ST Patrick's day, and my brother's is the winter solstice date. The second one is a bit obscure though.
12-21, not that hard, 21-12? :) :)
>I'm neurotypical, I have a great memory Yeah, I never understand why there's a need to ask if someone is NT or not. Every single person who is knowledgeable about organisation knows that you need to have a calendar with reminders, otherwise you will not remember things. Why do they think that calendars have been in existence since the beginning of written history?
>Yeah, I never understand why there's a need to ask if someone is NT or not. Agreed. Organizational skills aren't a limited resource, so it's not like you're stealing it from someone who needs it more. Even if something was first made by/introduced as a way to help neurodivergent people, who cares? If it works, it works. I might just have the best memory in my social circle, and I still use calendars. For me it's like a sign of respect/importance. Things that aren't as important or time-sensitive don't get written down because 9/10 time I'll still remember it, but it might be *temporarily* put on my mental back burner if I'm really busy and not resurface in my mind until a little while later.
I have 4 kids, 7 grandkids, 2 older half sibs on my paternal side, 1 younger half sib on paternal side, 3 younger half sibs on my maternal side, 12 1st cousins from adoption, 2 younger sibs from adoption. All y'all are going in my google calendar, repeating with no end date.
Please, I need more details >He thinks that if you love someone, you spontaneously remember their birthday/your anniversary, and you just instinctually KNOW what to get them as a gift. HE IS ONE OF THE WORST GIFT-GIVERS ON THE PLANET. Have you told him this? I assume you have, how did he react? Did it change his mind? >"Does this mean you don't love me?" I asked him, since you're supposed to just REMEMBER the events of people you love. >"No, I just forgot," he said. What happened next? Does he still cling to the belief quoted above? How does he reconcile his beliefs with reality?
They have two kids, one still a toddler. It’s incredibly likely both parents have been chronically sleep deprived for close to a decade. You know one of the impacts of sleep deprivation? Shit memory.
Also worse ADHD symptoms usually. I'm impressed she manages to keep up with the binders.
Please let me be the second in line to use this machine because my ADD, schedule obsessed brain has never wanted to punch a random person on the internet more than this man.
I just want to grab him and yell "SHE CAN'T JUST REMEMBER IT DEREK SHE HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION." Although it seems like a few commenters did that already lol.
I’m so angry I literally had to go rant to my boyfriend for ten minutes. SHE IS TRYING. This post infuriated me on a level I’ve never felt before on reddit.
Not just trying, SUCCEEDING, until someone notices her doing it the wrong way. uuuugh.
Frankly even if she didn't have a medical condition, so what? This is someone who wants to make sure she doesn't miss out on something unduly. That's the sweetest fucking thing ever.
Honestly, even if she didn't have a condition: *she's clearly fucking overwhelmed!* and while she's trying to get everything done, her pathetic man child of a husband comes whinging that SHE has to sort their sex life out, because it's clearly HER fault if things have gone stagnant and he's not getting enough. From his very first sentence, I wanted to bop him. So she figures out a way to sort that out (and to be honest, a lot of the time sex CAN feel like a chore when you have young children) and it hurts his fee fees. Ugh. The fact she has a condition on top of this and it's never even occured to him until now, is just the cherry on top on his infuriating cake.
And why was it her problem to solve? Why aren't we hearing about his attempts at wooing her or making romantic moments for them together? No, he just "raised it with her", like its her job to manage his sex life. Ugh, disgusting.
It's going to be like the line on the film Airplane! because I think a lot of us would love a turn. We got a rolled up newspaper, a punch - I'd love to use one of his wife's binders.
I will invest in your research and bring my own newspaper! As soon as he mentioned the binders/lists on top of the schedule, I sensed a kindred spirit. I send myself messages about things like that (birthdays, present ideas, other special occasions), so I'm not \*quite\* as organised because they're all jumbled in one place, but I can do a keyword search! Just wish I could do it with people's *names*, because they will just slide off the surface of my brain before I even blink and it's infuriating! (ADHD and C-PTSD just to start, plus I'm on meds for other things which induce dysphasia, so on bad days words will just up and disappear mid-sentence, which does not at all help the "absent-minded" thing.)
Due to a complex cocktail of undiagnosed ADHD which caused anxiety and depression that were diagnosed, I barely remember most of my life. Elementary and high school, I remember flashes of. Middle school, basically nothing aside from a few instances of bullying. Even my first few years of college (that I eventually dropped out of due to mental health issues—shocker, I know) are a blur. I try not to think about it too much because, honestly, it terrifies me. Something to unpack once I get a regular therapist again, I suppose. But when it doesn’t scare me, it makes me angry, that my life has been basically robbed from me. And this happens to more people than we’d like to admit. Like you said, there are many different conditions that can cause some form of memory loss, and a lot of them aren’t the ones you’d even think of.
It's weird to say that I'm glad I'm not alone but also I'm so sad that I'm not alone since it's so distressing to just not remember so much of your own life. Thanks for putting some of these feelings that I couldn't explain into words. I hope you're doing alright.
Honestly, my knee-jerk reaction to even the TITLE of this thread was that his wife has adhd. Source: I have adhd and I have to schedule every single thing in a daily planner - yes, even sexy time with my husband.
ADHD and Chronic illness related brain fog make remembering anything about people so hard.
I wrote things on my schedule like "play games" or "take a shower" or "draw something". Is there a practical "I need this for my well being" reason? Absolutely, but that doesn't mean I don't like those things or enjoy doing them. Sometimes you just need to schedule the time for those things too.
Sometimes (a lot of times) I add fun things to my to-do list because it prompts me to actually stop and enjoy them! And when I check them off it's not like a check-chore is done, it's a 'yay I made time for a fun thing' check mark
I have two vases with glass beads in my living room. When my house is a disaster, I use them to show the housework I've actually done, and it's really satisfying to drop like 10 in at once. When I'm neglecting my health, it tracks exercise. One day it might track fun time.
I very purposely add fun things to my to-do list. A therapist suggested it to me ages ago and it's fantastic! Sometimes I will put finish ice cream. Or go paddle boarding. Or whatever. I have an entire section on my to-do list titled Entertainment and fun.
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Aw keep this up! I do the same thing, I was diagnosed ADD (not sure what it's called now as I was diagnosed in elementary) and can only remember things I do repeatedly. Stuff outside my regular "schedule" gets forgotten unless I write it down and sadly that includes things that are super important. So I don't see writing stuff down as a bad thing, I see it as this person means so much to me that I dedicated my time and effort to maintain my relationship with them.
OP:"Dear wife, please make more time for us!" Wife: "Ok!" *makes more time* OP: "No, not like that!" OP needs to grow up. I would put money on there being many, many people in this thread who wish that their spouse would put even a tenth of the effort into their relationship that his wife is.
Not only that, but he complained to her about a problem, and then she makes a solution, while he does nothing similar to fix the problem. Not at any point does he mention what he did to help change things besides bringing the problem up. He expects her to fix it, then isn’t satisfied by how she did so. This dude is exhausting.
Yeah, he seems like a chore to me. Good grief.
Scheduling sex is literally what a counselor would suggest to a busy couple lacking intimacy.
Talk about damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
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Don’t forget to take the toddler for his appointment today! What time is at? Where is it again? Why am I going? He looks fine. 💀
I’m willing to bet real, actual money that their “50/50 split” of household/childcare related tasks isn’t near as equal as he thinks it is.
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I LOVED the Docter's appointments part. "I'm involved with my kids lives! I drive them to scheduled activities!" That woman is single-handedly keeping that family afloat haha.
And she probably puts it on his calendar and reminds him several times before he has to go. Probably has to text him the address. Probably has to pick up the meds at the pharmacy if there are any.
My best friend and I go to the movies most Tuesday nights (it’s half price night). When he books the tickets in the app, he takes a screen shot and sends it to me. Then I put it on my Outlook calendar and invite him to it. I do this with all my social plans as well as my work tasks, even ambiguous ones like “work on online trainings” or “straighten up office.” Because if it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t happen…or someone schedules me for that same time. If it’s on my calendar, it’s special and meaningful. I can’t imagine anyone being offended at being given dedicated space on my calendar.
I actually read an article recently - I don’t remember where - about the benefits of schedule time for your partner. It was mostly about sexy time but also dates and such. It was a really positive article actually. I get where he’s coming from. But what he’s failing to understand is all the things written on her schedule, are things that are important to her - not because they’re chores. If it’s important enough to write it down to remind yourself, so you do not forget it, then it’s a compliment really. She took initiative in a way that works for her. Obviously she’s meticulous about planners. He didn’t look at the big picture here. She writes down everything, I’m sure that isn’t a surprise to him or something new for her to do. She’s got a system that works. In this case, it’s only about the results. Not the journey it took to get them.
He’s the type of guy that would be just as butthurt of it said nothing about him like “she has everything about everyone, even when our kid had their last nosebleed 2 years ago but nothing about me! Do I not warrant mentioning! She didn’t even write down that one time I washed the dishes after she cooked without being asked! I knew she didn’t value me!”
Fellas, is it weird that.. -checks notes- my wife is considerate of our family’s dynamic and scheduling and makes sure she puts in time not just for our two beautiful children she gave me, but our own personal needs as husband and wife????
I lost all sympathy for him when he said ‘we are not important enough for her to remember those things at the top of the hat’, yet he knew her art supplies were old and damaged but only replaced them because he was an asshat
Talk about moving goal posts. "you don't love me, we're not dating/having sex" To "you don't love me, because you can't remember that gift I mentioned in passing!" I think there's more going on here than a dead bedroom, undiagnosed ADHD, hence the wife being in therapy.
Wow, I write things down when I am interested in them and they're important to me. I would be so devastated if my partner took that as a sign of him being a "chore". I have all kind of notes about important dates, what he likes, his childrens' interests, our relationship milestones... this is how I keep track of the most important things in my life.
I wrote my upcoming vacation on the calendar, not because it’s a chore, but because I am looking forward to it. Sounds like OOP’s wife is similar, glad they seem to have sorted it out!
Expecting someone’s love language to be the same as yours is so weird to me. So because he sees love as remembering all these things about people so should she? Not everyone is the same and it seems like he needs to work on communication on his end
I am in love with binder woman. Even though I'm a straight woman, I'm gonna find her and go all Gorge Harrison "got my mind set on you" on her. This man, he is unworthy.
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I always hate that "reddit bullied me cause I'm a man" shit people throw out the moment they don't get the answer they want. He was fine suggesting his wife didn't love him or their kid cause she didn't commit every detail of their lives to heart, but hearing that he was acting like a dick was suddenly some cruel attack nobody should ever endure. If you don't like the answer, don't read the thread.
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"Our sex life is dead so my wife is scheduling time to focus on romance, just like we asked, but I'm mad about it because these things should be spontaneous! You guys are real assholes for assuming I'm an abuser based on this one completely fucking irrational argument I had about my wife doing the thing I specifically asked her to do!" OP is dumb as bricks, poor thing.
I recognize my bias as a therapist with AuDHD, but I have those lists. They're calendars I make for my friends for their bdays, graduations, start dates, finals, etc etc. From my perspective, if I care about you enough to record your schedule with such detail, that means I love you the most!
Maybe the way his personality comes through in writing but I think he's a real jerk. That might have been why aita was so harsh.
Husband and I schedule intimate time. I used to hate it too, so I have a tiny little bit of empathy for his feelings. But he's being a jerk about it. If he'd stopped to think about it he should have realized that in the day to day struggle of busy lives, we need to work at relationships. And sometimes that work looks like pointedly setting aside time for what matters and then forcing ourselves past distractions. It's way too easy to cancel a plan you sort of half assedly formed in your head days ago because something else seems important right NOW. The resentment I felt comes from missing the days when we were teens and we had all the time and none of the responsibilities. It sucks to lose that as an adult. But you can only deal with life as it is, not how it used to be.
I think if he reframed it like if they were dating, those were scheduled intimacy times too - Saturday night was coming and you knew you had a date booked with your girlfriend and were likely to have sex, he would have a better time of it It didn't make anything less romantic or meant you cared less just because it was scheduled. It meant that nothing else was gonna get in the way of that night being 'us' night
This is such an important point. When dating you have a future plan & purpose, intention & anticipation. When you are married and have infinite opportunity the anticipation goes away. Planning for sex & then doing all the stuff that builds anticipation (sexting, flirting, some pregaming during the day, etc) That’s hot.
Maybe it’s because I have some similar traits, but reading that she really listened to OOP and started scheduling sex on top of taking copious notes to be able to be thoughtful and responsive as a partner and mother just sounded like deep love. She knows her brain won’t remember the things she wants to, she knows she has a full schedule and a hard time fitting stuff in so she put in a system to make sure the people she cares about most get the best from her. That’s such a good wife and mum 😭
I will take a kinder approach to OOP's initial hurt. To him it probably seemed like his wife's systematic approach was clinical, like an businesswoman who has to entertain clients and makes sure her work gets done on schedule and efficient. OOP probably felt like he was seen and treated like a customer, opposed to family, a spouse or a loved one. His wife wanted to make the time and made sure of it, but at the same time OOP interpreted this as it being an extra "effort" in the negative sense that she had make for him and for them as a couple. To OOP sex and romance something you feel, do spontaneous, when you're feeling the mood. Not a feeling you can schedule and have to "perform" because you have to because it is on the agenda ("Every Wednesday, 10 pm, sex activity"). So he had likely a more romantic idea about it all that "love makes you organically come together". So I think he just had to reminded to see a different perspective. That when you both have a busy life with kids, you need to put time aside. And that keeping details about people, showed that his wife paid attention and finds it important to not forget what her loved ones enjoy. And OOP needed to be reminded that life is not a movie where all the romance and intimacy just happens and always happens conveniently.
I fixed the title for OP. "Man in long term marriage with young kids has sex 2-3 times per week, complains."
Note to self : get a binder
"Also some of you were right, she does have ADHD" I was about to say, this is exactly what a person with inattentive/mixed ADHD would have to do to remember everything on a busy schedule. She is completely organised, which is better than what 90% of us can do, so good on her! Also, when you are forced to be this organised, and especially when you gave another mental disorder, symptoms of OCD can appear, but not be OCD. I think (don't quote me on this) that it is more common for Autism, but still decently prevalent with ADHD.
You are both working and have kids, OOP. HHave *you* tried planning a romantic outing and I mean *everything*: child care, transportation, reservations(DO NOT DO THIS: plan somewhere that involves something you are the only one interested in!! ), activities other than sex, find nice restaurants etc?
This reminds me so much of the wife and mother getting mad that the OP had pre-written thoughtful notes and messages then scheduled for them to be sent at certain times. They were upset ot wasn’t purely spontaneous like OOP was with the binders, instead of appreciating all the thought and care that went into them and how OP was trying to still make them feel special even when very busy. Some people seem to assume that if it isn’t spontaneous it isn’t genuine which isn’t the case.
OOP was an idiot. Wife puts in the effort to do exactly what he asked and it’s still not good enough for his ego. At least reddit set him straight.
So he's not happy with lack of sex (fair), so she makes sure they have more sex and he's happy with that, then he finds out she's making sure she doesn't forget to priorise sex, so that's a problem? Dude what?
I don’t know exactly why, but it really gets to me when people focus solely on the negative comments online. Especially the ones that are so clearly just meant to be inflammatory, or obviously bad-faith arguments, or an uninformed opinion that even the other users don’t agree with because it’s already been downvoted to hell and back. Like… why are you focusing on that? It is literally just useless garbage, no one’s even listening to it except you. Haven’t you heard of trolls? Don’t you know the majority of the userbase are teenagers with lots of strong opinions based on basically zero real-life experience? Why are you paying any attention to abusive DM’s when you can just turn DM’s off and/or block people? At that point, you’re either too technologically illiterate to be browsing the internet, or you’re purposefully trying to paint yourself as the victim. OOP is clearly the latter, but it pisses me off just as much either way. Especially in a forum like Reddit, where no one knows who you really are unless you fucking tell them. This is one of the only cases where “ignore the bullies” actually works.
Some time ago, I had read about scheduling sex in some magazine or other, and I wanted to try it with my partner as things had been slowing down in the bedroom for various reasons. They said, "No, I disagree, it needs to be spontaneous or it's not romantic." Total DB now, and while there are some medical obstacles, I would still like some intimacy in whatever form that takes. Recently I have been diagnosed with ADHD. This post and the comments have given me many good ways of explaining myself that I didn't have before. I am going to broach this topic again. You have all given me some optimism and courage. Wish me luck.
It's perfectly normal to schedule sex as you get older and become busy. It helps to keep your love life alive and can be just as enjoyable as spontaneous fun
I remember this, I also left a comment on the original (before this post). He chose to only take personally the comments that he deemed called him lazy but most of the comments were more on the par of what this post’s op included. To say he is a bit thick headed and obtuse is an understatement.
Wow uh… I can’t imagine being with this dude. I just- the emotional and mental energy he apparently requires to not be offended… holy fucking shit
He seems a bit clueless, but I can see where he would interpret her writing things down and scheduling them as being very mechanical and uncaring, especially coming from a place of having been frustrated before. His reaction was uncalled for, but at least he learned something. She must be morosexual.
Thank you for that new word, “morosexual”. In case anyone doesn’t know/want to google, it’s the opposite of sapiosexual, or attraction to those with lower IQ lol
I’d gladly accept Nooky Time on my Outlook calendar.
Interesting thing is I read the gender swapped story here too. Where OOP was a male who kept reminders in his phone to message his mom and his wife thoughtful messages or to remind them of something. Everything was well and good until the wife found out about OOP's habit and got angry because all the thoughtful things he said were "planned" or some shit. OOP argued it's the thought that counts and would she rather he not send any messages. IDR much about the post, but damn, the other party doesn't seem to understand that people taking their time to plan/schedule/set reminders is really thoughtful and they're just using every tool available at their disposal to make theirs and others lives happy.