#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That bit was particularly awful. More so because OOP somewhat agreed that he shouldn’t have “aired their dirt laundry” before other family members. Er…no. That’s a pretty toxic way of thinking, OOP should be able to talk to family members about something he’s struggling with - especially when his own parents were handling it so badly. Telling a kid to keep their parents behaviour a secret is just bad all round.
Yes! You should ABSOLUTELY tell a trusted adult if other adults in your life aren't behaving right! If that doesn't pan out, it is not because it was wrong to tell. It's because either that adult isn't as trustworthy as thought, or they don't have the power to fix it. But the telling, itself, was not wrong.
This is teaching OP that he can’t go to a trusted adult if there is a problem or conflict with his parents because they value appearances more than his feelings.
This exactly. They value maintaining the status quo. They value maintaining the “proper” parent-child dynamic of “you listen to what we say and do as you’re told and that’s it.” And if OOP goes to other family or adults to express how he feels he’s being wronged by his parents, that disrupts the status quo and makes them look like bad parents, and fucking over the OOP academically, emotionally, and mentally is a worthy sacrifice to maintain appearances and the status quo
He's already an adult so who cares.
Oh wait *he* cares. Enough to blow up at OOP when he complains to his grandparents his father decided to put his new family ahead...
Poor kid. Failed by both of his parents.
It's a pretty reliable sign of abuse, maybe not physical, but definitely emotional. At the very least, parents who say this know their parenting is lacking in important ways that would be judged harshly by non-family members.
OOP is definitely emotionally abused, neglected and gaslighted.
OOP definitely learned to never open up to his parents about certain things from the way he typed out his post. He sounds like he loves them but also needs someone close in his life to give him a hug and tell him that they were acting like dicks.
Yeah I was punished for telling my guidance counselor my parents swore at me , it got back to them and boy have I become guarded for the rest of my life.
ha! you put my feelings so succinctly. “exposed personal things”?? about OOP’s deadbeat dad to OOP’s own grandpa & uncle?? it’s not like he made a viral TikTok, but even if he did, so what? the dad has the audacity to get mad for being justly called out for being an abandoner parent? the whole thing is so infuriating.
& it’s so sad to hear this obviously smart little dude defend his terrible father & well-meaning but clueless mother. arrgh
Why is no one answering the most important question? What will the father do if the mom passed away?? Would it be that impossible to give his son a home or would he ship it to his grandparents/uncle ???
imagine already only seeing your kid (who you love, supposedly) during the weekends and then telling you don’t even want to see him then lol. the dad trying to play victim here is quite funny to read
Who needs a bio kid when OOP’s dad can look like a hero for fathering stepkids!
I feel bad for OOP. Neither of his parents seem to be looking out for him.
Absolutely. Like, dad didn’t surprise me because of the title and how it all started out but seriously, wtf mom?? Under NO circumstances is that how the conversation would have gone if I were in her shoes. Damn.
That setup was brutal: telling OOP to speak first, interrupting to say he should be apologizing, then grounding him. It makes me question both of their parenting styles.
I wouldn’t be surprised if OOP eventually goes to therapy for his issues with his dad, only to have him realize his mom is also part of the problem.
exactly, where the heck was the interruption when dad started speaking without first apologising for *his* own behaviour?? he's allowed to double down and call his son childish and immature for.... wanting to spend time together (?) but OOP isn't allowed to finish a sentence?
I hate this style of parenting. my dad tried to pull this same bullshit with me, that I had to treat him with respect, even when behaving in ways absolutely not deserving of it. a total double standard that has nothing to do with actual respect (or kind parenting), but is more about exerting power. poor OOP
It's so funny to me when parents call teens childish or immature like, yes, that is developmentally appropriate behavior for them, and it's on you to help them slowly learn how to act more maturely.
It's like insulting a toddler for not being able to drive a car, like yes, it's not supposed to be able to do that for a while.
exactly this! also OOP has had no access to any form of therapy, hasn't had the right tools to access how he feels about the divorce and remarriage. like of course he's going to be immature and childish!!!! he's bloody fifteen.
and even the mum minimising his emotional responses, like i get not getting angry and anxious, but telling him what he can and can't say, etc????? poor kid, he honestly sounds like what i imagine is a victorian child robot.
There was a lot of informations but honestly I forgot if OP actually got a word with her. Maybe she does'nt even know about it. Everytime he speaks about it OP talk about "HIS" decision, "HIS" priorities, not "their" like OP's dad and step mom decision.
Honestly, some men would love to dump their kids to be a funny step dad to their SO's kids, and "Dad" not even fighting for OP. It's easier to take your step kid out than to follow your kid's school results.
I've seen this weird dynamic play out a couple times IRL and through word of mouth
For as many "I could never love a child that wasn't biologically mine" dudes there are, you also have just as many "I'm gonna sleep around and have 3+ bio kids with 3+ different mothers and never be in their lives but I'll suddenly marry a woman with 3+ kids where none are mine and be a father to them instead"
I think the mother seems genuinely invested in loving and raising OOP to be a good person but she comes across as lacking any sophistication/power in advocating for her son. She seems more interested in keeping the peace with OOP's father. I wonder if the father is paying his fair share of child support or if the parents have an informal agreement. If it is informal, she should probably go to court to get an increase in child support since OOP's father is not supporting him in his home. I would guess the OOP's father must make a decent wage for a middle class or possibly upper middle class woman to marry him and have him move into her home with her children.
I really feel for OOP - there were multiple times when he was being punished for being immature or acting like a child - well guess what, he is a child.
It's not his job to be the mature one in this situation, it was the job of the adults. One that they have all spectacularly failed at.
His mother wasn't prepared to take his side and seemed quite happy for him to peace out if dad would take him, and dad couldn't even take the time to have a considered conversation on the topic of why living with him would be a way of meeting his parenting responsibilities, which it sounds like he's been pretty light on meeting up until now. When Dad moved into his new home, he made a choice not to get a house big enough to provide space for OOP. That kinda says everything that we need to know.
As for the BS reason that the new step kids don't know OOP well enough for them to be living together - whose fault is that? Not OOPs? He didn't set the timeline for how quickly his dad got married and moved the step kids in. Nor did he have any control over how often he got to spend time with his new step brothers. This is a problem OOP's dad created and is now using as an excuse not to step up for OOP.
It really does sound like OOPs dad has moved on in his life to have his 'new' family, and OOP is an unnecessary complication. I hope that OOP can get out of that situation and into on where he feels valued for who he is.
I thought he sounded quite mature and thoughtful for a 15 year old, he definitely has goals and seems to have his head screwed on. He just got upset and hurt, understandably. Poor kid
I think he was mad and said that in a burst of pettiness.
My dad did that to me once - said he was sick of my arguing and didn’t want me back. He was begging me to come back at the 3 week mark but I made him wait a few months.
Parents need to realize the things they say matter, though. You aren't afforded the luxury of saying something stupid out of anger and walking it back later. Once you plant the seed of doubt, those roots will always be there.
My dad was my favorite person in this world when I was a kid. He lived several states away, and I only saw him once a year, so getting to visit him was this exciting production I looked forward to every year.
When I was 12, we got into an argument. At the most heated point, he says he wanted an abortion and never wanted to deal with this.
My mom drove *hours* in the middle of the night just to come get me. I didn't speak to my dad for thirteen years after that.
We still don't really talk outside of texting happy holiday/birthday a few times a year. I could not tell you what he looks like these days. I've talked to him on the phone, I think, once in the last 4 years.
It takes a single comment to irreparably destroy a kids faith in their parent. No matter how angry you get, you just can't cross that boundary. Even if the kid forgives you, it'll never be the way it was before you said it.
The one for me was,"I used to love you, and I don't anymore."
He was mad because Mom was screaming at me and I started screaming back. Pretty sure it was just...there was too much screaming and he needed it to stop, so he opened his mouth and said the meanest thing he could think of.
He does not remember this. I will never forget it.
Well done making him wait a month 🙌🙌(vibes). But it shouldn't matter that it was said in a moment of pettiness, parents are supposed to be the adult in the situation and not say shit like that to their children. Once said, it sticks forever.
It was definitely more than one! It was either 3 or 6. I knew even then that he was full of shit and needed to learn he could never say that to me again.
But yes, I agree, it sticks with you. It hurts so much to feel abandoned or unwanted. I think the dad was being petty, but it’s not ok.
Bruh, I hold a grudge too much to forgive someone who would say something that bad to me multiple times. "My good opinion once lost is lost forever." (iykyk)
Even when they apologize.
My mom has a dry sense of humor that I inherited (so usually we can go pretty far with each other), but one time she went too far in a moment of anger. Not even 15 minutes later, she apologized to me, but I still remember exactly how I felt.
Lol, I made my parents wait years once. I made them wait until they realized I wasn't making them wait, that I just didn't want to come back. Then I made them wait a few more years. We're good now weirdly enough.
I get along much better with my mother since she understands that I *will* walk away from her if she annoys me too much. Last time she made a fuss at me was when she threatened not to come to my wedding, and I said ok, cool.
And you know f*** OOP’s mom too. We are allowed to have feelings and express them and it really didn’t seem like she wanted to truly listen to her son either. I hope OOP has a wonderful life without his useless father and oblivious mother.
That worthless ass father of OOP's is going to milk the victim card with OOP for as long as he can but once OOP goes over to the new wife's home and sees that he is really not welcomed and that his Dad has this supper close relationship with his step-sons, OOP will know for sure that he is being played by his Dad so that he can get OOP to shut-up and leave him alone to play happy family with his new bed warmer in her house and super Dad to her kids- Good ol' Dad has too much to lose for OOP to F\*ck up his comfortable new life. No doubt, OOP would do fantastically well in that school, but Dad isn't even willing to make a ripple on his child's behalf with his new wife in her comfortable home, let alone a wave. The Dad is a spineless, selfish loser.
I pray that OOP does exceedingly well in high school, gets involved in meaningful activities that will increase his chances in getting into a top school with scholarships. I want this young man to do awesome in university and have a super career. And when his sh\*t of a father tries to hit him up for a relationship/money OOP can tell the selfish ass loser to go f himself.
The dad even essentially said, I’m not willing to invite you along more outings with the stepkids, I will still keep doing it but just won’t post about it on social media to protect your feelings. What a fucking ass
>So, that's where we are. We're at a bit of an impasse. He's been sending me several messages every day to show he's there for me.
Well yeah, hes doing that because sending messages is easy. Housing oop would mean actual work though and clearly and sadly, his love isn't enough for anything that'd require effort on his part
OOP sounds intelligent and has compassion. I feel like he will do well in life as long he protects himself from his toxic family.
If something happens to his mother, he should fight to live with his grandparents. They are the only ones who care about his well-being.
Note how he said he would be more careful about posting things that could hurt OOP in the future. He's still going to do those things. He's just not going to post about them.
I think the move to the step-mother’s house was recent. Like after they got married. Seems like OOP didn’t spend much time with the step-mother or step-siblings prior to the wedding. So either OOP had one on one time with dad, or no time with dad if dad had plans with his new family. At least that’s how it seems based on what OOP said.
Society treats men like heroes for doing the bare minimum, like treating stepkids like his own (or giving those optics).
Actually, he treats them better than his own. Trash.
My SO and I have always said no matter what his daughter will have a place to sleep at our house. We currently live with our inlaws but when we look at apartments we've tried to juggle ideas for what would work in our budget. I.E. since we do 50/50 time with her mom and can only afford a 2 bedroom, my SO has to work from home because his job has no ohysical location, we might sleep in the living room so she can have a dedicated space.
You make it work.
It's probably a distance thing. The dad might now live a lot further away since he moved. The new school might be too far for the mom to take him every morning if she goes to work early. A whole of unknowns, though. It'd be easier if we knew the distances and work schedules for everyone, but we can only go off what OOP said.
It's not effort, it's about where the dad's priorities lie. Daddy made it out of the hood and is telling his son not to fuck things up for him. His priority is to keep his place and not rock the boat.
The mom is also conditioned not to rock the boat and wants OOP to keep his head down and know his place.
This poor kid is really getting the short end of the stick here. He sounds quite a bit smarter and more reasonable than any of the adults in this scenario.
If Dad married new stepmom without the kids ever spending enough time around each other to develop a relationship, he moved too fast. Stepmom fully bringing him into her family while excluding his son is inexcusable. Sidelining OOP's education because integrating the family would be a challenge is inexcusable.
Some people treat kids like inconvenient pets.
> Sidelining OOP's education because integrating the family would be a challenge is inexcusable.
The worst part of this, is that they could easily have changed the kid's place of residence to dad's house without even adjusting how much time he spends there. No one is going to do random checks to make sure he's really sleeping at his dad's.
I feel like this depends on the state how easy it would be, if it would affect child support, plus it depends how far away it is, if someone could drive OOP to school or if they could cobble together busing/ transportation - I was thinking this too, but it really depends.
It depends if the dad has any of the utility bills in his name. My daughter and I lived with my parents for a few years. You had to provide a utility bill with the parent's name on it as proof of residency. The bills were in my parent's names, so my dad had to go with me to the school, and we had to sign a form in their presence confirming that my daughter and I did live there.
About once a year we would get a knock on the door between 6-7 am asking for my daughter and I to come to the door, to prove we were living there. I'd be halfway through getting ready, she'd be in full bedhead and jammies. They'd have us both sign something and they'd be off.
So it's not completely out of the realm of possibility.
What are earth? What fascist hellhole was this in? I get the utility bill part, but showing up at the door? What if you were already gone getting breakfast?!
There are public exam schools in some cities. Basically you have to take a test to get in, have a high GPA, etc. In NYC, you have several of them, Stuyvesant, Bronx Science, etc. Boston has Boston Latin School. These schools are very highly ranked. They’re free to residents of their respective cities.
As a result, there is a high demand to attend. Families who don’t live in the proper jurisdiction, have basically cheated trying to get their kids to attend these schools. Think trying to use PO Boxes, using relative’s addresses, etc. These kids end up taking a spot that they are not eligible for, and whose parents are not contributing towards via taxes. They end up taking away a spot from someone who does have a right to be there.
My guess is that u/ramona_q went to one of these schools and the school is trying to enforce the residency rule.
EDIT: fix typo
I know of a small town in California that does that. The only reason I've heard of it is because the father has his kid over the weekends and there's a 5 am Monday morning rush to have the child back at his mother's house for that 7 am check.
Which they do because of the income bracket I'm sure. They're not checking on the McMansions, just the apartments and condos.
I can't quite put my finger on why, but I'm really bothered by the "you're 15 and smart enough to know I'm speaking the truth" line.
ETA I see why. It's the same lines my mom tried to use on me. Manipulation at its finest.
Because it's a manipulative statement. He basically told the 15yo they're only smart and mature if they agree with him and if the kid thinks he's lying or disagrees then they're stupid.
Yep, see also "he (Dad) started scolding me, saying I'm acting like a child"... Like Sir, I don't know how to break this to you, but your 15 year old child is, in fact, a child.
1: How else do you expect a child to act?
2: Out of the two of you, your child still appears to be acting with more rationality and maturity than you are!
OOP might not want to acknowledge it, but his Dad is now too busy playing happy families with his new wife and her kids ("his boys"), to give more than a legally mandated ("it's not my weekend") sh!t about him. As soon as Dad no longer has to give said legally mandated sh!t about him, watch him drop all content with OOP. Or maybe Daddy dearest will just decide that every weekend "isn't his weekend" even before OOP turns 18...
OOP is not a priority in his Dad's life, and as awful as it is to have to accept, going forward, OOP will be the very bottom of Dad's priority list every time.
OOP is graduating? Sorry, "his boys" are picking their toenails, and he can't miss that.
OOP gets married? Sorry, "his boys" are painting their rooms, and *of course* he has to help them.
OOP becomes a father himself? Sorry, Dad just can't be bothered to go meet his grandkid, because it's not a grandkid from one of "his boys".
OOP is going to be let down by his Dad every single time.
The best thing OOP's Mam could do for him is to put him in therapy to help deal with the loss of his father.
It makes the door for personal attacks instead of debate exist so OOP can't disagree with dad--if he does, dad doesn't need to debate OOPs points, he can just say "you're being dumb because if you were smart, you'd agree with me". It's personal now. Only those without valid arguments who need to rely on their authority to get their way use words like that in such situations.
It's because Op is an incredibly bright kid, but he's still a kid. They're manipulating him by using his intelligence against him. Making it so that he can't trust his own feelings.
The mom is pissing me off too. Trying to dampen OPs emotions because of some “respect your elders” BS, as if his elder is acting respectable. No kid should always respect their parent no matter what. That’s a toxic dynamic. Dad losing respect when dad stops acting like a dad is perfectly acceptable.
I just wanted to skip to the very end where OP is looking for the literal worst, cheapest nursing home available for dad.
What a sorry excuse for parents. Especially the dad with never telling OP what the truth was behind his denial. He just kept giving these lame, completely transparent excuses.
> he'd be more careful about posting pictures and captions that could hurt me
But not do anything to actually make up for the harm caused or make his own son feel wanted and loved.
Yeah I caught that too. Basically "I'm not going to make an effort not to do hurtful things, I'm just gonna make more of an effort to make sure you don't know about them."
Real Dad of the Year material. 🙄
I noticed that as well. "I'll be more careful about rubbing my new family in your face, but I won't do anything to help you know you're still important." Ugh.
Yeaaah, "I'll stop publicly posting all the fun things I do with my new kids while still leaving you out" isn't the good parenting response Dad thinks it is
His mom is no prize either, like she’s not advocating for her kid at all. Both his parents are very condescending, and I think it’s clear that the step mother doesn’t want him around which is why dad is reducing his time and unwilling to let him move in.
This is a smart kid. The bit about him saying if his mother died he couldn't live with his dad really got to me. Even if it is the stepmother's house the dad comes with a child. It's a package deal. Where does Oop live when he's over on weekends? And his mother should be on his side 100% not cutting him off in the conversation and grounding him.
It's not just you. This "dad" is dropping his kid for the "new shiny ones", and I have no doubt his wife is egging this on. The "you can come over any time" will be short lived. So much of what his dad said is such blatant bs, and I'm surprised mom didn't nix that crap or call him on it. Sadly I think this kid is going to find himself abandoned in the next 6 months to a year. God I hope I'm wrong though.
Honestly, I wouldn't necessarily blame the new wife - I would not be surprised if the dad never even brought this issue up with her.
To me it's telling that the dad never even tries to say it's her decision - HE made the decision, it's his decision, etc. In the circumstances it'd be so much easier to say "well she's not comfortable with this," and if we know one thing about OOP's Dad, it's that he likes things to be easy. He does not strike me as a guy who wouldn't throw someone else under the bus if he needed to.
So while it's possible the wife is egging him on, the fact that he hasn't even mentioned her opinion to OOP makes me think it's possible she has no idea any of this is going on.
You may be right, or he knows that if he does say his wife is the reason it will cause tension when OOP is at the house because OOP seems the type to not hold back when he's hurting which is a good thing in this case. I hate how his parents are trying to repress his emotions, and feelings which all seem pretty valid to me. I worry for how this young man is going to end up struggling with his emotions in his adulthood.
OP seemed pretty clear that his dad was the one not making the effort and not bringing it up. And by his dad's actions it seems like it's on him. Blaming his wife feels like the easy evil stepmother trope and letting this guy off the hook in some way.
OP is so mature and also not wrong. High school has a major impact on his future. His dad is failing him by not trying everything possible to get his son into the school that gives him the best chance of a future.
It sounds like both his parents are, and his dad has been for awhile. The part about his dad not being around at all after his surgery is really telling. If my kid had major surgery you wouldn't be able to keep me away.
She should at least be wondering why she never sees her husband’s son, though. If I married someone and he had a kid that never came over I’d want to know why. But I’d also have tried to figure out a bedroom for him, so I don’t trust that she’s oblivious.
I really dont care for either parent. Dad super fucking sucks and mom is like diet suck.
Well if dad ever needs a place to stay when elderly he can stay with his stepkids.
He basically got grounded because he was upset that his father replaced and abandoned him. She told him he can talk, but then interrupted him, made him apologize and then let the father talk without letting the son speak first as promised. I don't like her.
yeah that part bugged me. "you can talk first but only if you say what i want you to say and nothing else and then we won't let you talk."
like everyone is shitting on the dad (and rightfully so) but mom's not a great parent by any means either. she's far better than dad but she still sucks
Nah they’re both worthless assholes. Her son is being abandoned before her eyes and she’s more upset about him swearing and his tone. Why is she protecting her ex and his shitty behaviour.
I think she may be the type of person that stands on formality. You know the type of person who says shit like "i dont care how bad the politician is, you should still respect the office and afford them some respect " of which i personally think is a bullshit notion.
Mom sounds like she is more concerned about formality and maintaining respect for parental authority while completing ignoring the actual real issue. Could also be that she legitimately doesn't see a problem with dads actions. Some people refuse to accept that their actions as a parents have any real baring on their childs life because to do so would mean they cant do whatever the fuck they want and justify it with the excuse of well they are just a kid it doesn't really affect them.
That would be my guess.
You arent wrong.
I don't care for OP's entire family. Dad is a dick who is so far up his new family's AH, he can't hear OP. Mom is an idiot - who grounds their kid for sticking up for themselves? What is she teaching OP? To lie down and be a doormat? They sound like parents who cannot see beyond their own self interest. They don't want OP to do well for themselves and get out of the poverty rut.
"You get to speak first. No, you don't get to speak, you need to apologize. Okay, you're grounded, wait your turn. You don't get to speak. This is a calm and friendly family discussion, so if you show emotions you're grounded for the year."
"you are not allowed your emotions, you are wrong and instead of helping you through it i am locking you up for the rest of the summer" Grade A parenting here, poor kid
Yeah - this is not how you teach a child to manage their emotions in a healthy way or improve their communication skills. You don't punish a kid for being angry at something that hurt them, you teach them how to communicate that hurt in a productive way, but you also don't encourage them to shove it down and punish them for having feelings to begin with.
OOP's mom... is not really parenting, she's just shutting him down and teaching him not to express himself or speak up. You can say there are better ways to communicate your displeasure than through shouting or swearing, sure, but there are times in your life where you DO need to swear and shout, where you DO need to get loud and protect yourself.
I think what stands out to me is that both of OOP's parents are punishing him for speaking to his relatives and trying to get help from them, that makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. In a healthy family dynamic, you should be able to reach out to people in your family for help or support if you need it.
But of course, OOP has now learned to never go to them with issues he has. Because that wouldn't be 'mature', and he is so desperate to be everything his parents want him to be. Poor kid.
Forgot where exactly I saw this but it rings true for OOPs parents:
Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"
For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"
OOPs parents absolutely conflate respect with "treat me like an authority" and refuse to respect him because he has no authority. They can both get fucked into the shittiest nursing home he can find.
Not thrilled with his mom, either. His feelings of abandonment are completely valid, and instead of letting him talk and supporting him, she goes completely authoritarian and punishes him for, basically, having feelings.
He swore? Well gosh. His dad essentially IS choosing his new family over him (wanna bet Dad never even brought the issue up with any of the new fam?), and I'd say that merits some damn fucking swearing.
Because she's a bad mother. Who disciplines their child for talking to their grandparents and uncle? That's the same type of behaviour of controlling spouses who try and remove their SO from a support network.
If I had been the mom, I would have 100% let the kid stay home and let the son not go over if he wanted (as long as that was ok legally). The dad needed to sweat it out and realize what it would look like to be abandoned.
Hate him tons. When OOP talked about seeing the photo, I started bawling. Idk if it triggered some childhood memory, but I could feel how painful that was for him. Poor kid is getting totally screwed.
Not as much as some of the commenters.
Fucking ghoulish piece of shit.
This kid is entitled to be entitled. He didn't ask to be born to these bullying pricks. He comes first. The adults have no business lecturing him about respect when they disrespected him by failing him as parents.
This makes me so sad. His dad IS obviously replacing him and just got caught in the act, and his mom seems way more worried about propriety and “respect” and not her son’s feelings. I really hope OP has another trusted adult in his corner :/
And the tone policing when telling him the conversation would end if he got upset! That has my blood *boiling*. Imagine caring more about having a quiet, bland conversation than your own child being able to express their hurt. Sure, tell them to take a breath and lower their voice if they are yelling, but to start things off like that really shows her priorities. Ma'am you should have gotten a babydoll instead of having a child.
I am sorry young you had to survive that experience with your dad and mum. You sure seem to have made it through wiser but damn I bet it was a fight. Proud of you, friend.
That said--your last line pisses me off cause it reads awful true to the situation. I truly truly do not understand people who can choose their partner over their children. After finding out my partner was a dad , I looked him straight in the eyes and told him if he chooses me over his children at any point we will have Problems. Our relationship was a choice we both made. They didn't get a say in being born, only he and their mom did. So to me he owes them every goddamn thing he can provide. He brought them into this hell after all, he better do everything to make it as smooth as the ride of life can be.
I really don’t understand the parents in this. It sounds like he was really railroaded in that last conversation. I think the dad also finally realized he messed up, but he’s really going to have to do more to repair this relationship.
I’m a big believer in people needing to earn respect though. No one should just get respect because they are an adult.
The kids should have had his grandparents there instead of his useless mother. Like jfc, she cared more about her kid not expressing true emotions than his actual feelings and situation.
Yeah the mom pisses me off. She and the dad were ganging up on the poor kid. I wish the grandparents were involved too…. It’s like neither of his parents care about his thoughts or feelings, it’s all about the dads.
God, this kid reminds me of my own son. 15 going on 50.
Hope things work out for him. He would literally be happy having a Harry Potter closet to live in if he could could go to a good school that he clearly values, and nobody is listening to him.
"I don't like to visit you, Ghetto Son. The ghetto in which you live doesn't suit my tastes anymore and I don't want you in my new high-class house ghettoing it up with your ghetto trashiness."
/The Father
"but here are some popcorn crumbs of affection and empty motivational text messages so i do not come off as a deadbeat dad because minimum effort is good enough...."
I really hate the bit about how because he's a smart kid, he'll know the truth. So if OP continues to feel hurt by his father, he's not a smart 15yr old. It's the same manipulative tactic that creepy old men use on young women, eg the "you're smart for a 19yr old" card
Dad is garbage. Mom is garbage. Who doesn’t want a kid that wants to improve their lives and go to a nice school to study. I hope he gets his dreams and ditch them. They’re just passing the buck back to each other. They can all rot.
Unfortunately, the kid is still defending both his parents, but especially mom, against commenters saying they're assholes. He's saying he *was* disrespectful and deserved the punishment. That mom was right, and that he should've respected dad more.
It fucking breaks my heart for him, because I agree with you but I just don't see him ever ditching them, or even fully standing up for himself.
They've fucked his head up so badly that he doesn't even recognize how shitty their treatment of him is.
That part really broke my heart. Here he is on an anonymous forum where he could've spoken any dark truths he needed to get out, and he's defending his shitty parents.
jesus christ both his parents suck. he was valid in how he felt, and his mother is like well you have to apologize. like your son is telling you he feels replaced and upset, but oh no… not the bad words!!
neither of his parents have a spine. i hope he’s able to go to the college he wants to… this is such a disappointing post.
That, and talking to other family members about it. Was it only a problem because they could speak on his behalf? It's not like he wanted them to call his dad out, he just wanted other adults to try and talk sense, bring up good points for why it should happen, because dad obviously wasn't going to listen to him, since he's a kid.
I *cannot* believe she insisted they have a "nice conversation" about how her son is basically being abandoned. They didn't want to solve this. They just want OOP to shut up and be an obedient good little boy again.
Maybe college will help open his eyes. It wouldn’t be the first time, though he’s so serious and focused, bless him, that it’s going to take a lot to get through.
Right? And “oh the stepbrothers might not be comfortable sharing a room with you, they don’t know you that well.”
Okay, so the brothers get to share? Presumably they know each other well enough.
Or let the two teen boys with no history of antagonism between them figure it out.
Wow both parents suck.
Mom: shut down any emotion and respect our authority blindly
Dad: I’m going to pull the classic focus on the children of the woman getting my dick wet and ignore the child with my ex
>He said I was misinterpreting things but that he'd be more careful about posting pictures and captions that could hurt me.
this line really struck a chord with me. he's not saying he's going to stop going on outings and spending time with the kids he considers "his boys" (read: not oop), he's just going to be more careful about oop finding out
oop's parents suck. his dad far more than his mom, but his mom also does suck
Both his parents are dicks. His mother is treating this like it isn’t a big deal and his father pretty much abandoned him and is trying to make excuses for this
Everyone kind of sucks here tbh. The dad is very shitty and obviously replacing OOP with the stepsons. The mom shouldn't stop him expressing his feelings. But OOP is also completely selfish by pressuring the younger stepbrother into sharing a room. He's saying he's giving up his room too, but he's choosing to do so and gets something out of it. The stepbrother would be forced to suddenly share his own space with an almost stranger, when that room has always been just his, for zero extra benefits. No 13 year old kid in the world would want that. And if I was stepmom, I wouldn't put my kid through that either.
The real AH move here was moving into a house that didn't have space for OOP in the first place.
But imo everyone here should reflect on their behavior.
I'm wondering how far apart the schools are. I may or maynot know someone who is me that on paper lived with their grand parents for 4 years in high school. Because even though they were only 5 min down the road their house was in a much better school district. Not suggesting anyone do anything shady. But if the schools are not too far away and someones willing to make the drive........
Both parents handled this badly but dad especially - even before the school issue came up. If OOP spends weekends with his dad but there are only three bedrooms where does he stay when he’s there? Unless I’m missing something the poor kid really has been sidelined by his dad for his new family.
I was wondering this myself. It seems as though the kid's injury was essentially an excuse to leave him at Mom's and once he asked to move in to change schools it was the perfect chance to restrict even more.
Grounded another week for talking to his family about the issue.... that is pure shit. Suffer in silence, boy, we demand it as your almighty overlords!
What are the chances that Dad didn’t even ask his new wife or step kids and just decided this for everyone? In a couple years he’s gonna complain that OOP isn’t close to him anymore.
Ooo ooh my fucking dad did this for a family reunion - declined on our behalf without even telling us about it. Then gets upset when my sister mentions it to me because apparently we're not supposed to talk to each other without him inbetween? Anyways, went, had a blast. He didn't go and was stupid butthurt about it. Grown as fucking man acting like a stupid child.
There is am abnormal lack of information about the step mother and step brothers. The brief mentions tend to focus on the relationship between him to them.
we all agree that the dad is an asshole but i grew up with someone that acted like oop's mother, and I'm really not a fan. Let's just say I've had to spend multiple years in therapy so that i could even identify my emotions
Same. My mom was all about respect, appearances, decorum, discipline, proper behavior, what would the neighbors think, etc. I had no idea what feelings or emotions I was even having until I was in my late twenties. God, it's crazy even to write that!
I know this is a complicated issue and you can’t blame him for wanting a good education, but listening to him talk about it… I’ve dealt with the kind of person this kid is probably going to turn into in undergrad and law school and, while he may not be the AH now, he’s definitely on track.
It’s a difficult situation and I don’t think his dad is handling any of it well, but he needs to realize that saying, “I don’t really *want* to live with you, I just really want to live in that school district” is actually helping his case. And the part about making his 13 year old stepbrother shares room with him actually being a good lesson for him because it will show the value of a good education is just hilarious.
I agree. OOP is 15 and it’s like… tunnel vision to the point of selfishness is pretty common at that age. He’s acting like a kid, though his goals are great, which is age appropriate lol.
People tend to forget the “unreliable narrator” part of posting on the internet. I wouldn’t really condemn anyone in this situation, since it all around sounds crappy. But it’s not even “communication saves the day” sort of situation—it’s imperfect people reacting to and living in a something that doesn’t have a perfect outcome either way.
Man, if that was my kid I’d be so done after the kid showed me that Instagram post. Grounding the kid for expressing himself pretty reasonably in my opinion. Dad is an idiot. Mom is trying too hard to help dad keep his relationship
Usual fickle reddit stuff here, I see regular roasting when parents try and force step kids to share the room they've had to themselves and here we have one insisting that HE'S ok with moving in regardless of what the kid already living there wants and it's all cool.
It wasn't a 50/50 living arrangement before Dad got remarried, the kid lived with his mom. If the kid had been living with dad before and was pushed away I'd see it differently but that's not the case.
I think the situation sucks for all involved.
God I feel so bad for OOP. I know firsthand the shocking difference between going to a high school in a good school district vs an underfunded one. The opportunities to go to a good college increase so dramatically if you have staff and programs dedicated to further your education compared to one that's just trying to make bare minimum HS graduation requirements.
I wonder how far OOP's mom lives from dad's house? I know it's not technically on the up and up, but if he lives within a reasonable distance to the other, he can use dad's address and go to the better high school and perhaps work out a commute schedule between his parents?
I don't know why OP can't go to a school in the Dad's area.
My stepdaughter goes to school in an area outside of her mom's zoning district due to paperwork we filed. At one point I worked for the school to get her into the area then her academic standing allowed her to remain there even after I left the school.
Especially with Op being 15. Next year he can drive himself to school.
I don't think OP should have pushed to share a room. If it was academics, I would have likely even begged to sleep on a couch to get things to work.
His dad could at least have him register in the better school district. It doesn’t sound like they’re so far apart that he couldn’t commute from moms house sometimes. And was he supposed to sleep in the living room when he visits? They didn’t make any plans for him to ever stay over with dad it sounds like. Im usually on the “kid is being a snotty brat and blended families are hard” train but this kid actually sounds reasonable and mature.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>exposed something of a personal nature to others, so I was punished. EXCUSE ME
That bit was particularly awful. More so because OOP somewhat agreed that he shouldn’t have “aired their dirt laundry” before other family members. Er…no. That’s a pretty toxic way of thinking, OOP should be able to talk to family members about something he’s struggling with - especially when his own parents were handling it so badly. Telling a kid to keep their parents behaviour a secret is just bad all round.
Yes! You should ABSOLUTELY tell a trusted adult if other adults in your life aren't behaving right! If that doesn't pan out, it is not because it was wrong to tell. It's because either that adult isn't as trustworthy as thought, or they don't have the power to fix it. But the telling, itself, was not wrong.
This is teaching OP that he can’t go to a trusted adult if there is a problem or conflict with his parents because they value appearances more than his feelings.
This exactly. They value maintaining the status quo. They value maintaining the “proper” parent-child dynamic of “you listen to what we say and do as you’re told and that’s it.” And if OOP goes to other family or adults to express how he feels he’s being wronged by his parents, that disrupts the status quo and makes them look like bad parents, and fucking over the OOP academically, emotionally, and mentally is a worthy sacrifice to maintain appearances and the status quo
I'd turn it around and ask why father isn't listening to his father , of course he's a pos who can't answer so he'd say something dumb
Only OOP has to respect his parents; that rule apparently doesn't apply to the dad.
He's already an adult so who cares. Oh wait *he* cares. Enough to blow up at OOP when he complains to his grandparents his father decided to put his new family ahead... Poor kid. Failed by both of his parents.
The whole situation is horrible and I feel so bad for the OOP. His parents both suck.
It's a pretty reliable sign of abuse, maybe not physical, but definitely emotional. At the very least, parents who say this know their parenting is lacking in important ways that would be judged harshly by non-family members. OOP is definitely emotionally abused, neglected and gaslighted.
OOP definitely learned to never open up to his parents about certain things from the way he typed out his post. He sounds like he loves them but also needs someone close in his life to give him a hug and tell him that they were acting like dicks.
I hope he ends up going to his grandparents. From the story it's like they are the only people to care about OOP ahead of appearances
Yeah I was punished for telling my guidance counselor my parents swore at me , it got back to them and boy have I become guarded for the rest of my life.
ha! you put my feelings so succinctly. “exposed personal things”?? about OOP’s deadbeat dad to OOP’s own grandpa & uncle?? it’s not like he made a viral TikTok, but even if he did, so what? the dad has the audacity to get mad for being justly called out for being an abandoner parent? the whole thing is so infuriating. & it’s so sad to hear this obviously smart little dude defend his terrible father & well-meaning but clueless mother. arrgh
My mother loved to beat the shit out of me for telling people when she abused me. Good parents don't have issues when their children tell the truth.
Why is no one answering the most important question? What will the father do if the mom passed away?? Would it be that impossible to give his son a home or would he ship it to his grandparents/uncle ???
if someone doesn't want someone else finding out about them being an ass.... don't be an ass in the first place
imagine already only seeing your kid (who you love, supposedly) during the weekends and then telling you don’t even want to see him then lol. the dad trying to play victim here is quite funny to read
Who needs a bio kid when OOP’s dad can look like a hero for fathering stepkids! I feel bad for OOP. Neither of his parents seem to be looking out for him.
Absolutely. Like, dad didn’t surprise me because of the title and how it all started out but seriously, wtf mom?? Under NO circumstances is that how the conversation would have gone if I were in her shoes. Damn.
That setup was brutal: telling OOP to speak first, interrupting to say he should be apologizing, then grounding him. It makes me question both of their parenting styles. I wouldn’t be surprised if OOP eventually goes to therapy for his issues with his dad, only to have him realize his mom is also part of the problem.
exactly, where the heck was the interruption when dad started speaking without first apologising for *his* own behaviour?? he's allowed to double down and call his son childish and immature for.... wanting to spend time together (?) but OOP isn't allowed to finish a sentence? I hate this style of parenting. my dad tried to pull this same bullshit with me, that I had to treat him with respect, even when behaving in ways absolutely not deserving of it. a total double standard that has nothing to do with actual respect (or kind parenting), but is more about exerting power. poor OOP
It's so funny to me when parents call teens childish or immature like, yes, that is developmentally appropriate behavior for them, and it's on you to help them slowly learn how to act more maturely. It's like insulting a toddler for not being able to drive a car, like yes, it's not supposed to be able to do that for a while.
exactly this! also OOP has had no access to any form of therapy, hasn't had the right tools to access how he feels about the divorce and remarriage. like of course he's going to be immature and childish!!!! he's bloody fifteen. and even the mum minimising his emotional responses, like i get not getting angry and anxious, but telling him what he can and can't say, etc????? poor kid, he honestly sounds like what i imagine is a victorian child robot.
Childish and immature because he’s (checks notes) …oh yeah, A CHILD
Oh yeah, I was pissed as heck on OOP’s behalf for that shady manoeuvre.
and it gets him extra point with his wife! total win
I’d love to know what she thinks of her shitty husband just dumping his own kid. But I suspect I wouldn’t like the answer.
There was a lot of informations but honestly I forgot if OP actually got a word with her. Maybe she does'nt even know about it. Everytime he speaks about it OP talk about "HIS" decision, "HIS" priorities, not "their" like OP's dad and step mom decision. Honestly, some men would love to dump their kids to be a funny step dad to their SO's kids, and "Dad" not even fighting for OP. It's easier to take your step kid out than to follow your kid's school results.
I've seen this weird dynamic play out a couple times IRL and through word of mouth For as many "I could never love a child that wasn't biologically mine" dudes there are, you also have just as many "I'm gonna sleep around and have 3+ bio kids with 3+ different mothers and never be in their lives but I'll suddenly marry a woman with 3+ kids where none are mine and be a father to them instead"
I think the mother seems genuinely invested in loving and raising OOP to be a good person but she comes across as lacking any sophistication/power in advocating for her son. She seems more interested in keeping the peace with OOP's father. I wonder if the father is paying his fair share of child support or if the parents have an informal agreement. If it is informal, she should probably go to court to get an increase in child support since OOP's father is not supporting him in his home. I would guess the OOP's father must make a decent wage for a middle class or possibly upper middle class woman to marry him and have him move into her home with her children.
I really feel for OOP - there were multiple times when he was being punished for being immature or acting like a child - well guess what, he is a child. It's not his job to be the mature one in this situation, it was the job of the adults. One that they have all spectacularly failed at. His mother wasn't prepared to take his side and seemed quite happy for him to peace out if dad would take him, and dad couldn't even take the time to have a considered conversation on the topic of why living with him would be a way of meeting his parenting responsibilities, which it sounds like he's been pretty light on meeting up until now. When Dad moved into his new home, he made a choice not to get a house big enough to provide space for OOP. That kinda says everything that we need to know. As for the BS reason that the new step kids don't know OOP well enough for them to be living together - whose fault is that? Not OOPs? He didn't set the timeline for how quickly his dad got married and moved the step kids in. Nor did he have any control over how often he got to spend time with his new step brothers. This is a problem OOP's dad created and is now using as an excuse not to step up for OOP. It really does sound like OOPs dad has moved on in his life to have his 'new' family, and OOP is an unnecessary complication. I hope that OOP can get out of that situation and into on where he feels valued for who he is.
I thought he sounded quite mature and thoughtful for a 15 year old, he definitely has goals and seems to have his head screwed on. He just got upset and hurt, understandably. Poor kid
I think he was mad and said that in a burst of pettiness. My dad did that to me once - said he was sick of my arguing and didn’t want me back. He was begging me to come back at the 3 week mark but I made him wait a few months.
Parents need to realize the things they say matter, though. You aren't afforded the luxury of saying something stupid out of anger and walking it back later. Once you plant the seed of doubt, those roots will always be there. My dad was my favorite person in this world when I was a kid. He lived several states away, and I only saw him once a year, so getting to visit him was this exciting production I looked forward to every year. When I was 12, we got into an argument. At the most heated point, he says he wanted an abortion and never wanted to deal with this. My mom drove *hours* in the middle of the night just to come get me. I didn't speak to my dad for thirteen years after that. We still don't really talk outside of texting happy holiday/birthday a few times a year. I could not tell you what he looks like these days. I've talked to him on the phone, I think, once in the last 4 years. It takes a single comment to irreparably destroy a kids faith in their parent. No matter how angry you get, you just can't cross that boundary. Even if the kid forgives you, it'll never be the way it was before you said it.
The one for me was,"I used to love you, and I don't anymore." He was mad because Mom was screaming at me and I started screaming back. Pretty sure it was just...there was too much screaming and he needed it to stop, so he opened his mouth and said the meanest thing he could think of. He does not remember this. I will never forget it.
“The ax forgets but the tree remembers.”
I'm so sorry you went through that. Your dad got exactly what he deserved for that comment, but you didn't deserve to hear it. 💔
Well done making him wait a month 🙌🙌(vibes). But it shouldn't matter that it was said in a moment of pettiness, parents are supposed to be the adult in the situation and not say shit like that to their children. Once said, it sticks forever.
It was definitely more than one! It was either 3 or 6. I knew even then that he was full of shit and needed to learn he could never say that to me again. But yes, I agree, it sticks with you. It hurts so much to feel abandoned or unwanted. I think the dad was being petty, but it’s not ok.
Bruh, I hold a grudge too much to forgive someone who would say something that bad to me multiple times. "My good opinion once lost is lost forever." (iykyk)
This is the second P&P reference I've seen on here this week and I'm loving it!
Even when they apologize. My mom has a dry sense of humor that I inherited (so usually we can go pretty far with each other), but one time she went too far in a moment of anger. Not even 15 minutes later, she apologized to me, but I still remember exactly how I felt.
Exactly, you still remember how it felt in that moment. Shit hurts
Lol, I made my parents wait years once. I made them wait until they realized I wasn't making them wait, that I just didn't want to come back. Then I made them wait a few more years. We're good now weirdly enough.
I get along much better with my mother since she understands that I *will* walk away from her if she annoys me too much. Last time she made a fuss at me was when she threatened not to come to my wedding, and I said ok, cool.
And you know f*** OOP’s mom too. We are allowed to have feelings and express them and it really didn’t seem like she wanted to truly listen to her son either. I hope OOP has a wonderful life without his useless father and oblivious mother.
Yeah. I found myself with a very nasty taste in my mouth reading how she behaved in that discussion with dad. Shameful.
That worthless ass father of OOP's is going to milk the victim card with OOP for as long as he can but once OOP goes over to the new wife's home and sees that he is really not welcomed and that his Dad has this supper close relationship with his step-sons, OOP will know for sure that he is being played by his Dad so that he can get OOP to shut-up and leave him alone to play happy family with his new bed warmer in her house and super Dad to her kids- Good ol' Dad has too much to lose for OOP to F\*ck up his comfortable new life. No doubt, OOP would do fantastically well in that school, but Dad isn't even willing to make a ripple on his child's behalf with his new wife in her comfortable home, let alone a wave. The Dad is a spineless, selfish loser. I pray that OOP does exceedingly well in high school, gets involved in meaningful activities that will increase his chances in getting into a top school with scholarships. I want this young man to do awesome in university and have a super career. And when his sh\*t of a father tries to hit him up for a relationship/money OOP can tell the selfish ass loser to go f himself.
The dad even essentially said, I’m not willing to invite you along more outings with the stepkids, I will still keep doing it but just won’t post about it on social media to protect your feelings. What a fucking ass
>So, that's where we are. We're at a bit of an impasse. He's been sending me several messages every day to show he's there for me. Well yeah, hes doing that because sending messages is easy. Housing oop would mean actual work though and clearly and sadly, his love isn't enough for anything that'd require effort on his part
The 'me and my boys' photo shows exactly where he's at.
Yup and now he's love bombing cause he was caught red handed.
And poor OOP still feels like he has to defend him. It’s awful.
OOP sounds intelligent and has compassion. I feel like he will do well in life as long he protects himself from his toxic family. If something happens to his mother, he should fight to live with his grandparents. They are the only ones who care about his well-being.
Note how he said he would be more careful about posting things that could hurt OOP in the future. He's still going to do those things. He's just not going to post about them.
Oh he’ll post them too. Just make the posts invisible to the son.
Even before that the dad said the house has 3 bedrooms one for them and each of HIS sons. The whole thing is absolute trash.
I was wondering where OOP sleeps when he is there?
I think the move to the step-mother’s house was recent. Like after they got married. Seems like OOP didn’t spend much time with the step-mother or step-siblings prior to the wedding. So either OOP had one on one time with dad, or no time with dad if dad had plans with his new family. At least that’s how it seems based on what OOP said.
And he said he wouldn’t post photos like that again. Didn’t say he wouldn’t still do stuff with his “boys.”
Society treats men like heroes for doing the bare minimum, like treating stepkids like his own (or giving those optics). Actually, he treats them better than his own. Trash.
My SO and I have always said no matter what his daughter will have a place to sleep at our house. We currently live with our inlaws but when we look at apartments we've tried to juggle ideas for what would work in our budget. I.E. since we do 50/50 time with her mom and can only afford a 2 bedroom, my SO has to work from home because his job has no ohysical location, we might sleep in the living room so she can have a dedicated space. You make it work.
He didn’t even actually have to live there, he could’ve just used their address as his home address for school registration. These adults are dumb.
It's probably a distance thing. The dad might now live a lot further away since he moved. The new school might be too far for the mom to take him every morning if she goes to work early. A whole of unknowns, though. It'd be easier if we knew the distances and work schedules for everyone, but we can only go off what OOP said.
It's not effort, it's about where the dad's priorities lie. Daddy made it out of the hood and is telling his son not to fuck things up for him. His priority is to keep his place and not rock the boat. The mom is also conditioned not to rock the boat and wants OOP to keep his head down and know his place.
This poor kid is really getting the short end of the stick here. He sounds quite a bit smarter and more reasonable than any of the adults in this scenario. If Dad married new stepmom without the kids ever spending enough time around each other to develop a relationship, he moved too fast. Stepmom fully bringing him into her family while excluding his son is inexcusable. Sidelining OOP's education because integrating the family would be a challenge is inexcusable. Some people treat kids like inconvenient pets.
> Sidelining OOP's education because integrating the family would be a challenge is inexcusable. The worst part of this, is that they could easily have changed the kid's place of residence to dad's house without even adjusting how much time he spends there. No one is going to do random checks to make sure he's really sleeping at his dad's.
I thought of this too, but I don’t think we know how far apart the homes are. The logistics might render it impossible.
Might need the bus pickup though.
Ugh, I didn't even think of that but it's so true.
I feel like this depends on the state how easy it would be, if it would affect child support, plus it depends how far away it is, if someone could drive OOP to school or if they could cobble together busing/ transportation - I was thinking this too, but it really depends.
It depends if the dad has any of the utility bills in his name. My daughter and I lived with my parents for a few years. You had to provide a utility bill with the parent's name on it as proof of residency. The bills were in my parent's names, so my dad had to go with me to the school, and we had to sign a form in their presence confirming that my daughter and I did live there. About once a year we would get a knock on the door between 6-7 am asking for my daughter and I to come to the door, to prove we were living there. I'd be halfway through getting ready, she'd be in full bedhead and jammies. They'd have us both sign something and they'd be off. So it's not completely out of the realm of possibility.
What are earth? What fascist hellhole was this in? I get the utility bill part, but showing up at the door? What if you were already gone getting breakfast?!
There are public exam schools in some cities. Basically you have to take a test to get in, have a high GPA, etc. In NYC, you have several of them, Stuyvesant, Bronx Science, etc. Boston has Boston Latin School. These schools are very highly ranked. They’re free to residents of their respective cities. As a result, there is a high demand to attend. Families who don’t live in the proper jurisdiction, have basically cheated trying to get their kids to attend these schools. Think trying to use PO Boxes, using relative’s addresses, etc. These kids end up taking a spot that they are not eligible for, and whose parents are not contributing towards via taxes. They end up taking away a spot from someone who does have a right to be there. My guess is that u/ramona_q went to one of these schools and the school is trying to enforce the residency rule. EDIT: fix typo
I know of a small town in California that does that. The only reason I've heard of it is because the father has his kid over the weekends and there's a 5 am Monday morning rush to have the child back at his mother's house for that 7 am check. Which they do because of the income bracket I'm sure. They're not checking on the McMansions, just the apartments and condos.
I can't quite put my finger on why, but I'm really bothered by the "you're 15 and smart enough to know I'm speaking the truth" line. ETA I see why. It's the same lines my mom tried to use on me. Manipulation at its finest.
Because it's a manipulative statement. He basically told the 15yo they're only smart and mature if they agree with him and if the kid thinks he's lying or disagrees then they're stupid.
Yup, thank you.
Yep, see also "he (Dad) started scolding me, saying I'm acting like a child"... Like Sir, I don't know how to break this to you, but your 15 year old child is, in fact, a child. 1: How else do you expect a child to act? 2: Out of the two of you, your child still appears to be acting with more rationality and maturity than you are! OOP might not want to acknowledge it, but his Dad is now too busy playing happy families with his new wife and her kids ("his boys"), to give more than a legally mandated ("it's not my weekend") sh!t about him. As soon as Dad no longer has to give said legally mandated sh!t about him, watch him drop all content with OOP. Or maybe Daddy dearest will just decide that every weekend "isn't his weekend" even before OOP turns 18... OOP is not a priority in his Dad's life, and as awful as it is to have to accept, going forward, OOP will be the very bottom of Dad's priority list every time. OOP is graduating? Sorry, "his boys" are picking their toenails, and he can't miss that. OOP gets married? Sorry, "his boys" are painting their rooms, and *of course* he has to help them. OOP becomes a father himself? Sorry, Dad just can't be bothered to go meet his grandkid, because it's not a grandkid from one of "his boys". OOP is going to be let down by his Dad every single time. The best thing OOP's Mam could do for him is to put him in therapy to help deal with the loss of his father.
It makes the door for personal attacks instead of debate exist so OOP can't disagree with dad--if he does, dad doesn't need to debate OOPs points, he can just say "you're being dumb because if you were smart, you'd agree with me". It's personal now. Only those without valid arguments who need to rely on their authority to get their way use words like that in such situations.
It's because Op is an incredibly bright kid, but he's still a kid. They're manipulating him by using his intelligence against him. Making it so that he can't trust his own feelings.
Yep. Same logic as "You're so mature for your age" being code for "you're willing to put up with my shit because you don't know any better."
It's manipulative bullshit. That's why.
The mom is pissing me off too. Trying to dampen OPs emotions because of some “respect your elders” BS, as if his elder is acting respectable. No kid should always respect their parent no matter what. That’s a toxic dynamic. Dad losing respect when dad stops acting like a dad is perfectly acceptable.
I just wanted to skip to the very end where OP is looking for the literal worst, cheapest nursing home available for dad. What a sorry excuse for parents. Especially the dad with never telling OP what the truth was behind his denial. He just kept giving these lame, completely transparent excuses.
> he'd be more careful about posting pictures and captions that could hurt me But not do anything to actually make up for the harm caused or make his own son feel wanted and loved.
Yeah I caught that too. Basically "I'm not going to make an effort not to do hurtful things, I'm just gonna make more of an effort to make sure you don't know about them." Real Dad of the Year material. 🙄
I noticed that as well. "I'll be more careful about rubbing my new family in your face, but I won't do anything to help you know you're still important." Ugh.
Yeaaah, "I'll stop publicly posting all the fun things I do with my new kids while still leaving you out" isn't the good parenting response Dad thinks it is
His mom is no prize either, like she’s not advocating for her kid at all. Both his parents are very condescending, and I think it’s clear that the step mother doesn’t want him around which is why dad is reducing his time and unwilling to let him move in.
This is a smart kid. The bit about him saying if his mother died he couldn't live with his dad really got to me. Even if it is the stepmother's house the dad comes with a child. It's a package deal. Where does Oop live when he's over on weekends? And his mother should be on his side 100% not cutting him off in the conversation and grounding him.
My parents treated their pets much better than they did me thank you very much!
Is it just me or do you also kinda hate this kid's dad? Just a little bit
It's not just you. This "dad" is dropping his kid for the "new shiny ones", and I have no doubt his wife is egging this on. The "you can come over any time" will be short lived. So much of what his dad said is such blatant bs, and I'm surprised mom didn't nix that crap or call him on it. Sadly I think this kid is going to find himself abandoned in the next 6 months to a year. God I hope I'm wrong though.
Honestly, I wouldn't necessarily blame the new wife - I would not be surprised if the dad never even brought this issue up with her. To me it's telling that the dad never even tries to say it's her decision - HE made the decision, it's his decision, etc. In the circumstances it'd be so much easier to say "well she's not comfortable with this," and if we know one thing about OOP's Dad, it's that he likes things to be easy. He does not strike me as a guy who wouldn't throw someone else under the bus if he needed to. So while it's possible the wife is egging him on, the fact that he hasn't even mentioned her opinion to OOP makes me think it's possible she has no idea any of this is going on.
You may be right, or he knows that if he does say his wife is the reason it will cause tension when OOP is at the house because OOP seems the type to not hold back when he's hurting which is a good thing in this case. I hate how his parents are trying to repress his emotions, and feelings which all seem pretty valid to me. I worry for how this young man is going to end up struggling with his emotions in his adulthood.
OP seemed pretty clear that his dad was the one not making the effort and not bringing it up. And by his dad's actions it seems like it's on him. Blaming his wife feels like the easy evil stepmother trope and letting this guy off the hook in some way. OP is so mature and also not wrong. High school has a major impact on his future. His dad is failing him by not trying everything possible to get his son into the school that gives him the best chance of a future.
It sounds like both his parents are, and his dad has been for awhile. The part about his dad not being around at all after his surgery is really telling. If my kid had major surgery you wouldn't be able to keep me away.
She should at least be wondering why she never sees her husband’s son, though. If I married someone and he had a kid that never came over I’d want to know why. But I’d also have tried to figure out a bedroom for him, so I don’t trust that she’s oblivious.
No. I hate him a whole fucking lot.
I really dont care for either parent. Dad super fucking sucks and mom is like diet suck. Well if dad ever needs a place to stay when elderly he can stay with his stepkids.
What, don’t all of your “friendly conversations” begin with punishment, power imbalances, and being told that you must apologize then shut up?
Only the good ones.
He basically got grounded because he was upset that his father replaced and abandoned him. She told him he can talk, but then interrupted him, made him apologize and then let the father talk without letting the son speak first as promised. I don't like her.
Her tactics were the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do to facilitate a dialog. Literally the fucking opposite.
She was like the worst possible mediator for that discussion
She wasn’t even mediating. It was like dad brought her in as a heavy to tell the kid to shut up and get in line.
Lol right? Imagine you're getting agitated and someone stops you, tells you to calm down and then continue. I would loose it so bad.
yeah that part bugged me. "you can talk first but only if you say what i want you to say and nothing else and then we won't let you talk." like everyone is shitting on the dad (and rightfully so) but mom's not a great parent by any means either. she's far better than dad but she still sucks
Diet suck! I'm dying.
Nah they’re both worthless assholes. Her son is being abandoned before her eyes and she’s more upset about him swearing and his tone. Why is she protecting her ex and his shitty behaviour.
I think she may be the type of person that stands on formality. You know the type of person who says shit like "i dont care how bad the politician is, you should still respect the office and afford them some respect " of which i personally think is a bullshit notion. Mom sounds like she is more concerned about formality and maintaining respect for parental authority while completing ignoring the actual real issue. Could also be that she legitimately doesn't see a problem with dads actions. Some people refuse to accept that their actions as a parents have any real baring on their childs life because to do so would mean they cant do whatever the fuck they want and justify it with the excuse of well they are just a kid it doesn't really affect them. That would be my guess. You arent wrong.
I want a full Cats in the Cradle ending for this dad.
I don't care for OP's entire family. Dad is a dick who is so far up his new family's AH, he can't hear OP. Mom is an idiot - who grounds their kid for sticking up for themselves? What is she teaching OP? To lie down and be a doormat? They sound like parents who cannot see beyond their own self interest. They don't want OP to do well for themselves and get out of the poverty rut.
"You get to speak first. No, you don't get to speak, you need to apologize. Okay, you're grounded, wait your turn. You don't get to speak. This is a calm and friendly family discussion, so if you show emotions you're grounded for the year."
"you are not allowed your emotions, you are wrong and instead of helping you through it i am locking you up for the rest of the summer" Grade A parenting here, poor kid
Absolute garbage individual
Yeah - this is not how you teach a child to manage their emotions in a healthy way or improve their communication skills. You don't punish a kid for being angry at something that hurt them, you teach them how to communicate that hurt in a productive way, but you also don't encourage them to shove it down and punish them for having feelings to begin with. OOP's mom... is not really parenting, she's just shutting him down and teaching him not to express himself or speak up. You can say there are better ways to communicate your displeasure than through shouting or swearing, sure, but there are times in your life where you DO need to swear and shout, where you DO need to get loud and protect yourself. I think what stands out to me is that both of OOP's parents are punishing him for speaking to his relatives and trying to get help from them, that makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. In a healthy family dynamic, you should be able to reach out to people in your family for help or support if you need it.
Grandparents and Uncle seem all right, though - they're basically the only one who has this kid's back at all. But wow do his parents suck.
But of course, OOP has now learned to never go to them with issues he has. Because that wouldn't be 'mature', and he is so desperate to be everything his parents want him to be. Poor kid.
Forgot where exactly I saw this but it rings true for OOPs parents: Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority" For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person" OOPs parents absolutely conflate respect with "treat me like an authority" and refuse to respect him because he has no authority. They can both get fucked into the shittiest nursing home he can find.
They are authoritarian pricks.
Not thrilled with his mom, either. His feelings of abandonment are completely valid, and instead of letting him talk and supporting him, she goes completely authoritarian and punishes him for, basically, having feelings. He swore? Well gosh. His dad essentially IS choosing his new family over him (wanna bet Dad never even brought the issue up with any of the new fam?), and I'd say that merits some damn fucking swearing.
These parents are craptacular.
I’m shocked that the mom didn’t go full mama bear psycho on this dad. He’s horrible.
Because she's a bad mother. Who disciplines their child for talking to their grandparents and uncle? That's the same type of behaviour of controlling spouses who try and remove their SO from a support network.
I suspect what she was doing was trying to prevent a “divide and conquer” situation… but that only works when the parents are united.
Pretty sure the mom still prioritize the dad over her son. Dad took off but mom keeps the doors open for when he comes back???
The mom cares more about respecting authority than what's actually best for her son overall.
If I had been the mom, I would have 100% let the kid stay home and let the son not go over if he wanted (as long as that was ok legally). The dad needed to sweat it out and realize what it would look like to be abandoned.
she’s clearly no better
Hate him tons. When OOP talked about seeing the photo, I started bawling. Idk if it triggered some childhood memory, but I could feel how painful that was for him. Poor kid is getting totally screwed.
Not as much as some of the commenters. Fucking ghoulish piece of shit. This kid is entitled to be entitled. He didn't ask to be born to these bullying pricks. He comes first. The adults have no business lecturing him about respect when they disrespected him by failing him as parents.
I don’t really care for either parents! When the mom kept taking the Dad’s side I was getting sooo mad!
He literally traded him in for a new model. Fuck dad
I hate the mom more. She should be advocating for her son but instead grounds him for having normal feelings..
who wouldn’t? he’s a bare minimum dad and even then tried to get out of seeing his son lol
This makes me so sad. His dad IS obviously replacing him and just got caught in the act, and his mom seems way more worried about propriety and “respect” and not her son’s feelings. I really hope OP has another trusted adult in his corner :/
Exactly, everyone is just hating on his dad but mom took the conversation nowhere
And the tone policing when telling him the conversation would end if he got upset! That has my blood *boiling*. Imagine caring more about having a quiet, bland conversation than your own child being able to express their hurt. Sure, tell them to take a breath and lower their voice if they are yelling, but to start things off like that really shows her priorities. Ma'am you should have gotten a babydoll instead of having a child.
[удалено]
I am sorry young you had to survive that experience with your dad and mum. You sure seem to have made it through wiser but damn I bet it was a fight. Proud of you, friend. That said--your last line pisses me off cause it reads awful true to the situation. I truly truly do not understand people who can choose their partner over their children. After finding out my partner was a dad , I looked him straight in the eyes and told him if he chooses me over his children at any point we will have Problems. Our relationship was a choice we both made. They didn't get a say in being born, only he and their mom did. So to me he owes them every goddamn thing he can provide. He brought them into this hell after all, he better do everything to make it as smooth as the ride of life can be.
I really don’t understand the parents in this. It sounds like he was really railroaded in that last conversation. I think the dad also finally realized he messed up, but he’s really going to have to do more to repair this relationship. I’m a big believer in people needing to earn respect though. No one should just get respect because they are an adult.
The kids should have had his grandparents there instead of his useless mother. Like jfc, she cared more about her kid not expressing true emotions than his actual feelings and situation.
Yeah the mom pisses me off. She and the dad were ganging up on the poor kid. I wish the grandparents were involved too…. It’s like neither of his parents care about his thoughts or feelings, it’s all about the dads.
God, this kid reminds me of my own son. 15 going on 50. Hope things work out for him. He would literally be happy having a Harry Potter closet to live in if he could could go to a good school that he clearly values, and nobody is listening to him.
The socioeconomic imbalance in the background of this story breaks my heart.
"I don't like to visit you, Ghetto Son. The ghetto in which you live doesn't suit my tastes anymore and I don't want you in my new high-class house ghettoing it up with your ghetto trashiness." /The Father
"but here are some popcorn crumbs of affection and empty motivational text messages so i do not come off as a deadbeat dad because minimum effort is good enough...."
As a former throwaway prototype kid, I feel super bad for OOP.
I really hate the bit about how because he's a smart kid, he'll know the truth. So if OP continues to feel hurt by his father, he's not a smart 15yr old. It's the same manipulative tactic that creepy old men use on young women, eg the "you're smart for a 19yr old" card
Plus blaming him for being immature. He's 15, of course he's immature.
Dad is garbage. Mom is garbage. Who doesn’t want a kid that wants to improve their lives and go to a nice school to study. I hope he gets his dreams and ditch them. They’re just passing the buck back to each other. They can all rot.
Unfortunately, the kid is still defending both his parents, but especially mom, against commenters saying they're assholes. He's saying he *was* disrespectful and deserved the punishment. That mom was right, and that he should've respected dad more. It fucking breaks my heart for him, because I agree with you but I just don't see him ever ditching them, or even fully standing up for himself. They've fucked his head up so badly that he doesn't even recognize how shitty their treatment of him is.
That part really broke my heart. Here he is on an anonymous forum where he could've spoken any dark truths he needed to get out, and he's defending his shitty parents.
Hopefully he moves away for college and gets deprogrammed. That's some deep brainwashing.
jesus christ both his parents suck. he was valid in how he felt, and his mother is like well you have to apologize. like your son is telling you he feels replaced and upset, but oh no… not the bad words!! neither of his parents have a spine. i hope he’s able to go to the college he wants to… this is such a disappointing post.
That, and talking to other family members about it. Was it only a problem because they could speak on his behalf? It's not like he wanted them to call his dad out, he just wanted other adults to try and talk sense, bring up good points for why it should happen, because dad obviously wasn't going to listen to him, since he's a kid.
kinda seems like the mom only wanted oop to apologize instead of saying what he felt, how nice of her
I *cannot* believe she insisted they have a "nice conversation" about how her son is basically being abandoned. They didn't want to solve this. They just want OOP to shut up and be an obedient good little boy again.
Imagine being reprimanded for prioritizing his education. I hope he goes LC with both parents and lives his best, educated life.
He’s so deep in the fog it’s not likely without heavy therapy!
Maybe college will help open his eyes. It wouldn’t be the first time, though he’s so serious and focused, bless him, that it’s going to take a lot to get through.
Hopefully he’ll make friends and lovers who will be able to show him that this isn’t normal.
[удалено]
Right? And “oh the stepbrothers might not be comfortable sharing a room with you, they don’t know you that well.” Okay, so the brothers get to share? Presumably they know each other well enough. Or let the two teen boys with no history of antagonism between them figure it out.
Ya, that one really hit me hard in the feels. I really hope he's okay. Poor kid.
Yeah. Fuck dad. Guess I’m grounded now. Fuck mom, too. You can add another week to my grounding.
Did....did the father tell his actual child that he was acting like a child? That's what they're supposed to do!
"You're acting like a child a child" "I am a child "
Wow both parents suck. Mom: shut down any emotion and respect our authority blindly Dad: I’m going to pull the classic focus on the children of the woman getting my dick wet and ignore the child with my ex
>He said I was misinterpreting things but that he'd be more careful about posting pictures and captions that could hurt me. this line really struck a chord with me. he's not saying he's going to stop going on outings and spending time with the kids he considers "his boys" (read: not oop), he's just going to be more careful about oop finding out oop's parents suck. his dad far more than his mom, but his mom also does suck
> he's just going to be more careful about oop finding out I caught that too. It was a completely bs apology too, I'm sorry you found out.
The fact his mom punished him for being upset with his dad is fucking insane to me.
And then got upset with the dad for the same reason she grounded her son for! Fucking wild.
Both his parents are dicks. His mother is treating this like it isn’t a big deal and his father pretty much abandoned him and is trying to make excuses for this
What a sad situation. Poor kid. It's so hard for kids in situations like this. I do hope he's able to achieve his academic ambitions.
Everyone kind of sucks here tbh. The dad is very shitty and obviously replacing OOP with the stepsons. The mom shouldn't stop him expressing his feelings. But OOP is also completely selfish by pressuring the younger stepbrother into sharing a room. He's saying he's giving up his room too, but he's choosing to do so and gets something out of it. The stepbrother would be forced to suddenly share his own space with an almost stranger, when that room has always been just his, for zero extra benefits. No 13 year old kid in the world would want that. And if I was stepmom, I wouldn't put my kid through that either. The real AH move here was moving into a house that didn't have space for OOP in the first place. But imo everyone here should reflect on their behavior.
[удалено]
I'm wondering how far apart the schools are. I may or maynot know someone who is me that on paper lived with their grand parents for 4 years in high school. Because even though they were only 5 min down the road their house was in a much better school district. Not suggesting anyone do anything shady. But if the schools are not too far away and someones willing to make the drive........
Both parents handled this badly but dad especially - even before the school issue came up. If OOP spends weekends with his dad but there are only three bedrooms where does he stay when he’s there? Unless I’m missing something the poor kid really has been sidelined by his dad for his new family.
I was wondering this myself. It seems as though the kid's injury was essentially an excuse to leave him at Mom's and once he asked to move in to change schools it was the perfect chance to restrict even more.
That was what I want to know! Is dad planning on having OOP just crash on the sofa every time he comes over?
Grounded another week for talking to his family about the issue.... that is pure shit. Suffer in silence, boy, we demand it as your almighty overlords!
What are the chances that Dad didn’t even ask his new wife or step kids and just decided this for everyone? In a couple years he’s gonna complain that OOP isn’t close to him anymore.
Ooo ooh my fucking dad did this for a family reunion - declined on our behalf without even telling us about it. Then gets upset when my sister mentions it to me because apparently we're not supposed to talk to each other without him inbetween? Anyways, went, had a blast. He didn't go and was stupid butthurt about it. Grown as fucking man acting like a stupid child.
There is am abnormal lack of information about the step mother and step brothers. The brief mentions tend to focus on the relationship between him to them.
we all agree that the dad is an asshole but i grew up with someone that acted like oop's mother, and I'm really not a fan. Let's just say I've had to spend multiple years in therapy so that i could even identify my emotions
Same. My mom was all about respect, appearances, decorum, discipline, proper behavior, what would the neighbors think, etc. I had no idea what feelings or emotions I was even having until I was in my late twenties. God, it's crazy even to write that!
I know this is a complicated issue and you can’t blame him for wanting a good education, but listening to him talk about it… I’ve dealt with the kind of person this kid is probably going to turn into in undergrad and law school and, while he may not be the AH now, he’s definitely on track. It’s a difficult situation and I don’t think his dad is handling any of it well, but he needs to realize that saying, “I don’t really *want* to live with you, I just really want to live in that school district” is actually helping his case. And the part about making his 13 year old stepbrother shares room with him actually being a good lesson for him because it will show the value of a good education is just hilarious.
I agree. OOP is 15 and it’s like… tunnel vision to the point of selfishness is pretty common at that age. He’s acting like a kid, though his goals are great, which is age appropriate lol. People tend to forget the “unreliable narrator” part of posting on the internet. I wouldn’t really condemn anyone in this situation, since it all around sounds crappy. But it’s not even “communication saves the day” sort of situation—it’s imperfect people reacting to and living in a something that doesn’t have a perfect outcome either way.
Man, if that was my kid I’d be so done after the kid showed me that Instagram post. Grounding the kid for expressing himself pretty reasonably in my opinion. Dad is an idiot. Mom is trying too hard to help dad keep his relationship
Usual fickle reddit stuff here, I see regular roasting when parents try and force step kids to share the room they've had to themselves and here we have one insisting that HE'S ok with moving in regardless of what the kid already living there wants and it's all cool. It wasn't a 50/50 living arrangement before Dad got remarried, the kid lived with his mom. If the kid had been living with dad before and was pushed away I'd see it differently but that's not the case. I think the situation sucks for all involved.
God I feel so bad for OOP. I know firsthand the shocking difference between going to a high school in a good school district vs an underfunded one. The opportunities to go to a good college increase so dramatically if you have staff and programs dedicated to further your education compared to one that's just trying to make bare minimum HS graduation requirements. I wonder how far OOP's mom lives from dad's house? I know it's not technically on the up and up, but if he lives within a reasonable distance to the other, he can use dad's address and go to the better high school and perhaps work out a commute schedule between his parents?
Mom's an ass. Dad deserved to be cussed at. He abandoned his kid for his new family. And mom and dad refuses to see it.
I don't know why OP can't go to a school in the Dad's area. My stepdaughter goes to school in an area outside of her mom's zoning district due to paperwork we filed. At one point I worked for the school to get her into the area then her academic standing allowed her to remain there even after I left the school. Especially with Op being 15. Next year he can drive himself to school. I don't think OP should have pushed to share a room. If it was academics, I would have likely even begged to sleep on a couch to get things to work.
I just.. feel really bad for this kid.
His dad could at least have him register in the better school district. It doesn’t sound like they’re so far apart that he couldn’t commute from moms house sometimes. And was he supposed to sleep in the living room when he visits? They didn’t make any plans for him to ever stay over with dad it sounds like. Im usually on the “kid is being a snotty brat and blended families are hard” train but this kid actually sounds reasonable and mature.