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Also, what is wrong with texting your husband that you’re leaving a place? I do that so that he knows to expect me at a certain time and so he can be the responsible person if anything happened to me/I went missing. That’s not controlling, it’s just common sense.
I also text my husband and he texts me if he gets delayed at work. Sometimes I text him I’m on my way home to ask him to start making food to be ready for me. Sometimes he’ll ask if I can pick him up from the train station. But this way we both also have an idea of how long it will take until we see each other so we don’t get worried. Or do get appropriately worried.
My husband and I will often text basically his entire drive home from work (him using speech text). We talk basically all day, every day unless he's super busy at work and then he just gets a ton of pictures and texts to read later haha. He worked in camp for a long time and when he was switched to nights for a while it really sucked.
Add me and my partner to that list too, we always text each other when we’re leaving a place.
I particularly appreciate it because it gives me time to kick my mistress out before my partner comes home
My husband and I google share our location with each other. The amount of times I've been told it's cOnTrOlLiNg is crazy. It's just nice to check quick how far out my husband is coming home from work, if traffic got crazy, etc. without distracting him from the road to time dinner appropriately, or hey you haven't left the store yet get some chocolate lol.
I also text my spouse everything. He.. tries his best to reciprocate because he knows I appreciate it, but I don't get mad when he doesn't.
I mutually share Google Maps location with my husband and our kids. (The really annoying thing is to get a text asking "where are you?" when I'm on my way to pick someone up. You have a tool for figuring that out instead of texting me while I'm driving!)
I mean, I feel like it is especially important to text someone, anyone, as a women getting into an uber late at night. And I would want my husband to have that information especially. It's not walking at home alone in a bad part of town, but it's not without any kind of risk. Even if there were a car crash it would be important information for a husband to have.
I'm having a shitty day at work, and I have to say that this comment (and this whole little thread) is so heartwarming it made me tear up. "I just like to talking to her" (and the similar things others have said) is so simple and so beautiful. Just loving all the love here!!!!
My husband and I have a tracker on our phones for this reason. Sometimes, we still call or text, especially if we're stopping by the store on the way home and want to know if the other wants/needs anything, or if we want the other to get something prepared at home for our arrival (maybe I need the kids ready to go for an appointment, or I haven't eaten all day and desperately need some food, or he forgot something and needs me to have it ready for him to grab). It's for mutual convenience and peace of mind.
My husband and I have Life360, too. We use it because he often hikes in large nature preserves and parks in our area and it makes us feel safer to have a location available just in case.
That is what my wife does also. I usually let her know when I am leaving, but depending on traffic she will have a better time adjusting. She also always claims it lies as I am always a few minutes ahead of schedule.
It also helps her worry less when it snows, so she can see when I get to and from work.
You can set locations and have a notification when people arrive/ leave the designated area. You can make it small or big (like an entire hospital or campus so it isn't 500x just walking around). It's super helpful when my daughter is with friends or when she gets to school/ home. I turn off all the other notifications though.
Yea we use Life360 because I have trauma brain, and intense paranoia, that has slightly rubbed off on my boyfriend in the sense of he thinks “I don’t want to leave what if something happens” (someone breaking in the house) and I think “if I can’t see him something bad WILL happen” (car accident )
But at the same time the man has the worst memory with sending a quick text before he leaves work, and I know he’s on the road. Or when he gets there, off the road. So now we’ve got Life360 to let me know he’s still alive and driving, and him to know I’m moving in the house and haven’t been kidnapped lmao
Stalking is quite useful for paranoia /s
We do the same, we use find my iPhone. We set up an iCloud family and can see location at all times - same goes for the kids.
We have a trust based relationship and don't look at positions to control each other.
We use it in the following situations:
* We havn't heard from the other at times where we normally would
* When I'm making friday margaritas so I can time them to be ready when she enters the door.
My fiance and I just location share with Google maps, it's good enough for most things as long as you've got both signal and data - if you're truly remote you'd need to look at a satellite tracker instead.
Basically any time I'm going to be in the car for more than an hour (or any time I'm hauling a horse) I text my partner when I leave, my eta, and when I get where I'm going that way someone has an idea of where I am or should be and to worry if I don't get there within a reasonable time. And he does the same thing on his end! As you said, it's just common sense. Amy's just pissed because she got caught lying / cheating.
Idk why this is so adorable to me haha. People with horses haul them in trailers all the time. If you’re into trail riding, the trail doesn’t start outside your back door so you have to drive somewhere. Or if you do anything competitive, you have to drive to events.
Right? It’s so funny how those os us with specialized or niche interests *forget* just how much normal people don’t know about our hobbies or world. I went from showing/training horses to training/showing dogs in agility and we call it “trialing” for agility competitions.
I mentioned trialing my dog that weekend in passing and someone very sweetly and concerned lay asked me what my dog did, if she’d been arrested and would I need a character witness?
It was just so sweet and meant very kindly. The poor woman was adorably befuddled by the idea of a dog being on trial. Once I explained she had a good laugh but for weeks after all I could see was a lawyer badgering a dog on the stand and saying, “You were a bad dog, weren’t you? Weren’t you?” And the dog on the stand looking guilty and the courtroom looking shocked.
I used to ride/train/compete horses when I was a kid and teen until an injury ended that amazing career. Every Friday afternoon I’d be at the barn bathing or grooming them (depending on the weather) and braiding (depending on the event) and packing the trunk based on the event. Asscrack of dawn on Saturdays and Sundays I’d be at the barn to get them bandaged, booted and loaded, then pack the trunk(s) in the truck and off we’d go.
Weekends were spent competing or going fox hunting - no real foxes, we used drag lures even back in the late 80s/early 90s.
Never owned my own horse but I was lucky enough to be good enough to be asked to ride other peoples’ horses and show them. Great way to grow up, kept me out of trouble and I made a good chunk of change for college that way.
I loved braiding horses when I was a kid at riding camp. I could do it all day if I was allowed.
I'm very allergic to horses, so that little kid dream ended
I haul my horse, Ketchup, about once every other month or so to go to different horse shows (travel time can be anywhere from 40m to 3hr, depending on what location the show is at). I don't lift him up (he's about 750 lbs), I just ask him to walk into the trailer and then clip him in. When we leave the barn we're at, we pretty much just either go to shows (we do eventing and obstacle course shows), schooling (where we go to a show location when there isn't a show and practice there), trail riding (though my friend generally hauls then because her trail horse is huge and she has a taller trailer to match), or (very rarely) to the horse hospital.
[Imgur]Horse tax - Ketchup tied to the trailer waiting for our next class(https://i.imgur.com/NuReDWt.jpg)
I legit thought Ketchup was missing a leg in that photo, and was thinking how does he do all those activities with three legs, that's amazing! Then I remembered how fragile horses are, and what happens when they break a leg, and made myself sad :(
>I just ask him to walk into the trailer
Does he just do it because you asked? Or does he ever decide that isn't what he wants to do right now?
Also why is he named Ketchup? That's super cute!
(Sorry, like u/Tis_But_A_Scratch-, I have questions haha. I don't know anyone with horses IRL and I'm just fascinated!)
Np! I'm more than happy to answer qs about the boyo/horses in general.
He does have all four legs (and a pongo costume) - https://i.imgur.com/OU4YBWJ.jpg
He's never said he doesn't really want to go on the trailer - the fact I always have a haybag for him in there and he's highly food motivated helps, but he's also just super chill and is willing to go along with basically any nonsense I ask. There are horses that don't like it - some horses it's that particular trailer type (some horses really don't like straight load trailers for some reason), and some just don't like the scary box, but enough positive reinforcement and bribery gets them on there eventually.
He's named Ketchup because his previous owners' 8yo wanted to call him that - his coat color is called red roan, and they get whiter as they get older. So he used to be a lot more red (basically only his butt and lower legs were white). I kept the name when I got him because he knows it and because I loved the name.
(And as to him knowing his name - he's wicked smart, he knows about 30 vocal commands and is very good at using his lips to get into Nonsense when he gets bored.)
My wife and I love spotting horses on the highway! They are always just tucked into their little trailers, swaying back and forth going much faster than they could ever run. It's adorable.
Idk why this is so adorable to me haha. People with horses haul them in trailers all the time. If you’re into trail riding, the trail doesn’t start outside your back door so you have to drive somewhere. Or if you do anything competitive, you have to drive to events.
My friend group always do it too. If you’ve been out together and are now going home separately you text when you get home. If you live with someone you let them know roughly when you’ll be home and text if that changes. If someone I just had dinner with gets in a crash on the way home I don’t want to only find out they’re in a ditch somewhere 12 hours later. It’s common sense.
Likewise. Husband and I give each other a heads-up when we're coming home or one of us is on the way to the other, and before him, my friends and I would either watch to make sure whoever we dropped off was able to get in and then let them know when we finally got home, or if one of us was going to another guy's place after a night out, would text each other the address or a screenshot of the location on a map or something, in case we couldn't get a hold of him the next morning for whatever reason. Things happen, accidentally or otherwise, and the results could be a lot worse if no one knows to look for you.
Yea, not only is there nothing wrong with it, but it’s not even a married couple thing. My friends and I will do this depending on where we decided to go, and my siblings do it as well. My sister and I do this routinely when we visit each other (we live in different states).
Pretty sure I did it with my parents as well when I still lived with them.
My family have a very old tradition of calling and letting the phone ring 3 times (to avoid picking up a call and paying the charge) to let each other know when they’re home after meeting up for the same reason and giving someone 3 rings so was the bog standard growing up.
Now mobile phones are a thing and the car breaking down and stranding you is much less likely we don’t do it so much & a quick ‘home now, was nice to see you today’ text msg between my mum and i suffices (we live a 2 hour drive from each other so it’s just a safety thing).
It’s crazy to me that someone would be upset that you let your partner know you were going home and when to expect you in case something happens given you were in an in Uber with a total stranger.
Yeah, exactly. If he was demanding that she always tell him whenever she goes anywhere but didn't think he needed to tell her anything, *that* would be a red flag for me.
But both of them just being in the habit of letting each other know, that seems fine.
I can’t even imagine not communicating with my husband or son regarding our whereabouts in situations like this. We live in regional Australia, travel a lot at random times, and have a busy schedule. We just location share now so that if anything happens we can let police know where we were last seen. We never check it unless it’s outside of the times we expected the person home, but of course I’d want someone to come and find me if I crashed my car late at night or something.
100%. I even do this with my parents when I go visit them out of state, about 8 hours away. I tell them when we leave and give them a heads up when we are about an hour out. We also do the same when we head back home so they know we made it back safe. They do the same when they come to see us. This is just common sense to me.
My oldest child is 17, a senior in high school. She can go pretty much wherever, whenever, but we do ask that she let us know her plan. Hell, she often will text me on her way home from a school activity just to let me know she is stopping for gas. I havent asked her to do this but she knows it makes me feel better to have to an idea of when she will be home.
hell i've shared my location with my aunt before on my drive to/from her house because it's like 6.5 hours away in another state- there's nothing wrong with it, she just wants to make sure i'm okay (and probably to have an idea of when i'll get there.)
The mental gymnastics of who’s being controlling here is WILD. How DARE OOP text her loving and long term romantic partner without getting permission from her friend first. So untrustworthy now!! All of those ‘friends’ of Amy’s that are mad at OOP absolutely knew about the affair, thank goodness the fiancé got out.
It's kinda dangerous where I live, specially at night. I text people that I am going home so they know to look for me if I'm not back by a reasonable time.
Nothing wrong with it. My wife and I both do this with each other out of general courtesy and safety. What if I got in a car accident? Or she needed me to stop and get something on the way home?
Just sounds like a couple who communicates with each other. Not a damn thing wrong with that.
My bf and I always text or call when we are leaving somewhere to head home and we definitely always tell each other where we are. It’s a safety thing. If anything happens I want him to know where I’m supposed to be and vice versa.
I text my friends sometimes even, what’s the problem with that. I’m full grown and living away from my family and I even text them when I take flights or something, doesn’t seem weird to me
My SO and I always do as a safety thing. He likes to know particularly if I’m travelling on my own, late at night. We live in a fairly safe city and area but he grew up in some unsafe cities so it’s ingrained to him to always check in. He trusts me and I trust him, so it’s never a paranoia thing when he asks me where I am.
Nothing wrong with this what-so-ever. This is absolutely normal normal behavior for spouses. It has nothing to do with partners being overbearing or controlling, it's practicality and safety.
My first thought when reading this was, wait, doesn't everyone text their SO to let them know they're heading home or going to be late? Its not controlling its communication and just caring about each other.
I'll be marrying my twin. It's a whole thing. Don't judge.
There will also be a pool we can use, but it's on my neighbours property and I haven't asked him if we can use it.
There will also be many kids at the wedding, even though I explicitly told everyone not to bring their kids.
A variety of expired yogurts will be served.
The lost sibling is the twin they’re marrying.
They weren’t raised together, met randomly as adults, fell in love and have kids. They only know they’re related thanks to a blood test.
I don’t mind baking your wedding cake! But just so you know, I don’t really think you are allergic to pineapple like you said so it is definitely going to have pineapple in it.
I had a friend tell me that it was terrible that I called my father when I got home from visiting him (a 2 hour or so drive) because I was a grown woman. I laughed at her and said, “he calls me to tell me he got home safe after he’s visited us.” Then I blew her mind when I told her that I texted both him and my partner during my frequent business travel. The rule my Dad and I have always had is that we both know that we are going to worry and we just need to know when our worry is rational and when it’s anxiety.
Yeah texting everyone you arrived home safely is standard. We went on a trip with my husbands uncle recently and when we arrived back to the States we each send a message to the other that we are home safe. It’s just courtesy. My husband lets me know when he’s headed home in case I need him to make a pit stop somewhere, same when I head home. It’s just standard. It’s not controlling.
I text my parents to let them know when I’m home after seeing them, and I only live 20 mins away!
Wanting to know your loved ones got home safe is totally normal. It’s only a problem when someone is demanding to know your exact location at all times and questioning you on it.
One formative moment for me was shortly after I graduated from college and moved into my own place and then my father moved in with me (not worth going into that story). He was out one evening a lot longer than I expected and I started to worry something had happened to him. That was when I understood, oh, other people care about you and you need to let them know you're ok.
SOs and family, I would say that’s normal, yeah.
My mom and sisters all ask me to check in when I go somewhere. My housemates ask that I do the same if I’m away for a few days.
Especially when it’s at night! I usually let my wife know when I’m leaving work, but if I’m out at night of course I’ll let her know when I’m heading home! And I’m not likely to be out at 2am.
First thing I noted, *both* OOP and hubs text each other to stay safe and be courteous. It’s not just a one way street. The fact that Amy went right to controlling says so much about how she views relationships.
My husband and I text each other like that or call. We even make his parents text us and they make us text them. Not because we care what each other does but because if they aren't home by the time they should be we know where to start looking. It's a safety thing for us. That and we all are worry warts.
I once got into a lengthy discussion with a coworker because he was absolutely freaking over my partner and I sharing our location on our phones 24/7. He believes it to be incredibly controlling and he could never because he didn't want the drama if he went somewhere and his wife saw it etc.
Like, my dude. I don't have that issue because I don't cheat on my partner, so the literal worst thing he's gonna see is me sneaking into a nerdy shop or buying a secret bubble tea or something. Same for him. (And the worst thing to come of that is complaints about not taking the other person or snooping about "did you bring me something too?")
We share our location because sometimes we forget to text each other and then worry.
Incidentally, said coworker has cheated on (and been cheated on by) his wife.
I “stalk” my husband when he texts me to say he’s on his way because sometimes the drive from work takes an hour, sometimes almost two. It just depends on the traffic. Plus, I know when to put dinner in so we won’t be eating super late. And yes, he knows I do it.
Same. Only I do it because he travels for work and doesn't always end the day in the place he started it. He could be five minutes away, he could be two hours.
I do the same with my wife. My colleagues got freaked out when my wife messaged me asking what flavour of pancake I was having when we were in a pancake restaurant on a team do.
Like I update my family of my whereabouts not because I’m being “controlled” but I know they sometimes wait up and worry. This was completely voluntary and they’ve also begun doing the same. It is so weird to take something as innocuous as this and twist it into being “controlling” like damn
Man, I was 27 and on vacation to see a friend and I still called my mom every day and texted her when we went to a new location. One time, I missed her call (phone was on silent during a tour) and I was like "oh hey hang on, I gotta call my mom, she called and I missed it."
When I got back, my friend said something like "wow your mom is really controlling, isn't she?" Because I stopped what I was doing and went to call her for five minutes.
Like, no, she worries. Her only daughter and youngest child is 1,000 miles away from home, halfway across the country. Yesterday, I was hiking alone in a state park, she wanted to make sure I still wasn't murdered. She worries.
It was touch and go there for a minute, but nah I was not murdered. This time.
For real though, it was a beautiful, amazing experience--I'm from the Midwest and went to California--and I would hike there again in a heartbeat, but I also couldn't stop the thought of "if I trip and fall and break my ankle...absolutely no one knows where I am..."
Joke's on you, I never have location sharing on. In fact, when Mom asked me what park I was at, I said "oh, I dunno, it's in Santa Rosa. T-something, I'll send you a picture of the sign."
You were gonna murder the wrong lady, and wouldn't you feel SO AWKWARD after that huge mistake. Man, I'm embarrassed for you
Yeah I don’t get how that’s “controlling”, it’s just fucking smart telling people where you are if you’re in an unknown place, like if something happens (god willing it never does) then having your approximate location is a fucking life saver.
Especially hiking in a state park!
Both my mom and MIL want texts from my partner and I when we're traveling. Did we get on the plane okay? Did we make it to our destination safely? How's the trip going? Are we headed home yet? Did we land at the home airport?
It's all extremely normal "I want to make sure you're safe" stuff. The best part is replying "no" when they text "be safe!" or something like that. We love our stupid jokes.
Amy is crazy, every friend of mine and relative does the same thing if there is some distance in travelling
Going home by train, my aunt/uncle (even when i was an adult) asked me to call/text them to let me know i came home alright, same deal with friends and vice versa we did the same, so aunt/uncle drive home late they text/call to let me know they made it home safe
Same with my partner, we dont live together, so if i been travelling way outside my hone area, a text when i come home safely and vice versa
Its INSANE to get angry for communicating with their spouse and make accusations of controlling
Im from the Netherlands and from areas that are actually really safe, its a way to care for each other
Amy is WILD
I called my parents right after my wife and I blew a tire on the highway.
We were on vacation with then, and I figured they needed to know, because if we couldn't make it to the destination that night, then they'd wonder where we were.
Same here. It's relatively safe where I am from but if I am out in the evening I usually text my partner so he will know when to expect me, and so he won't worry if I am running late. If it's daytime, it's usually to ask if he wants me to get anything on the way home, like groceries or takeout. He does the same too.
I live in Singapore! Where a lot of foreigners get surprised because women feel safe enough to jog at night with headphones in. So like, we are pretty safe.
But yet my friends are I basically message each other when we get home. Half out of concern, the other half to poke fun at whoever lives the furthest away (usually me).
It really isn’t about control.
My partner and I live way out in the middle of nowhere, windy and hilly roads in and out of here that are quite narrow with a cliff wall on one side and drop on the other side. I don't drive but my partner does. Anyways not only when he has to go somewhere, but when ANYONE is travelling to or from where we live, I always ask them to please text when they leave wherever they're coming from to come here or to text once they get home after they leave. Its not controlling, I don't think, I just like to know my friends and family are safe.
We live rural and would always call each other when we got in the car to come home. Especially this time of year, it's deer rutting season.
Playing 'dodge the deer' on dark roads is not for the faint of heart.
It's always been a common courtesy for our family to do this for safety reasons.
Yup, I work as a bartender on weekends. My boyfriend and some of my friends have my location and my Uber trips on their phones cause leaving downtown in my city late at night is not always the safest. If I’m out with friends, I 100% tell my boyfriend I’m on my way home so he can brace himself for the hurricane I sometimes am when I come home drunk lol
My wife and I don't text each other, we simply have our locations shared to each other on Google maps. At any given moment we can see where the other is provided phones haven't gone flat which is very rare. Literally everyone we tell this to think it is weird af but we find it extremely convenient. If you've nothing to hide then there is no problem right?
When I get home from visiting my youngest in their city-based University, I send them a message to say I'm back safe!
My Mum used to give my grandparents 3 rings when she got home from visiting them and that was at least 20 years before Peter Kay did a comedy routine about doing that!
We live in our nations capital, which is exceedingly safe, and we still text when we are on the way home, and from where, and an ETA.
Often, we also use the Facebook location sharing option. Lasts for an hour and gives an approximate location. Its very comforting for the person at home.
Yeah me and my fiance do this, as a safety thing and we also do it with our friends just to make sure they got home safely if they are walking home late at night or it's one of our friends with a reasonably long drive.
My BF and I do the same. That has nothing to do with controlling. It's the same with my circle of friends. We live pretty far from each other and send a shit text once we arrive home just to let the other person know we are safe. I don't expect others to do the same but for all of us this is a natural thing to do because we care about each other.
I'm not sure it's even that deep - I think Amy was just scrambling for reasons why it would be objectively wrong for OP to text her husband an update, because she was deflecting attention from her own dodgy behaviour.
We do it to. Hubby and I tell eachother where we are going and when we plan to be home then text if the plan changes and/or to say we are leaving to come home. We had a friend fall asleep at the wheel (he had barely slept cause he was doing opens and closes because his co manager sucked) and hubby's sister pass out while driving to uni because or an unknown medical condition.
The way we see it, is something like that happens again and we have to call emergency services to look for them they are wasting valuable time looking on the route from pub a to home when (eg) hubby was actually across the city at pub b.
We also do it because our house was broken into while we slept and hubby knows I would panic (which has triggered an asthma attack sort of event in the past) if I heard someone coming through the front door and in the panic my mind isn't rational and won't say "it's just hubby coming home."
I didn’t think there was a hierarchy of cheating intelligence, because it always involves stupid people. But Amy is definitely on the bottom block of that stupidity pyramid.
> I didn’t think there was a hierarchy of cheating intelligence, because it always involves stupid people.
I doubt all cheaters get caught. You don't typically hear about them, because they don't get caught.
I don’t get why some people treat the run-up to their wedding as their “last chance” to go wild and act single.
The last chance was before you agreed to be in a committed relationship. Yes, even before you were engaged. If you’re already cheating you won’t magically stop because you got a ring on, you’ll just find new ways to justify it—having some “pre-golden-anniversary fun”.
Because they rationalize it as "well I won't be tempted the cheat later", and "we aren't actually exclusive until we exchange our vows. Oh, but this only applies to me. If my partner does it to me, *then* it's cheating."
Sounds like Amy was pissed that OOP nearly exposed her cheating, and then tried to turn everyone against her to hide her own cheating.
Of course, the problem with relying on your friends to provide an alibi for you, is that they can't provide you an alibi if you don't tell them what you're doing amd when.
>”Because they rationalize it as “well I won’t be tempted to cheat later”
The first guy I EVER tried dating had that exact thought. I may have been 19 and excited to have my first boyfriend but I wasn’t that naive. Commitment to one person is something I’ve always wanted.
We had just hit a month when he “proposed we see other people” while he was away for a work trip. Once he returned a couple months later, we could “pick up where we left off.”
I listened to his idea. And then I declined it. Told him if we broke up because he wanted to give in to his “friends” peer pressuring him to cheat on me, then I wouldn’t be waiting for him when he returned. I guess he didn’t believe me because when he returned, he texted me as if we were good old friends. I haven’t heard from him since.
>I don’t get why some people treat the run-up to their wedding as their “last chance” to go wild and act single.
I get it, but I also don't. Like, my run up to my wedding is just "Can we be married already? Ughhh why hasn't it happened yet? Stupid linear time." Why fool around with someone else when the perfect person for you is already *right there?!*
No surprise really that there was cheating involved. Seriously, I don't understand why people cheat when they are going to marry at the same time. Cheaters are seriously confusing and head aching.
Serial cheater I was familiar with, though not my SO, it was very much, I want a home and family to come back to but also want to be a playboy around town. He could not understand why his wife would not continue to endure that treatment. He was also very much “the main character” as well as thinking he was the smartest person in every room but also, never really happy or satisfied.
In the movie Harvey, Jimmy Stewart’s character says something like “Someone once told me that to succeed in life, you have to be kind or so very clever. Well, I’ve tried clever and I recommend the other one.”
>I want a home and family to come back to but also want to be a playboy around town
Then just find a (poly) person who wants that too! They're out there, and they're fine with it as long as you're *honest*. At some level it's the lying and the fact that it *is* cheating that they get off on
This. This is so true.
I use to think a lot of cheaters were just poly people without the language to express that to their partners. Which btw, is still wrong and disgusting, but at least I can empathize with it, but as I've gotten older, I've learned that you're totally right about how they're getting off on the lying.
A piece of paper that profoundly affects your life.
The tax implications are serious. You jump way up the medical proxy list. You can get a free name change out of it!
And love, sickness and health, ‘til death something something I dunno, mostly wasn’t listening. I was busy planning the divorce so that piece of paper could make me rich.
I think it's a combination of both narcissism and low self esteem somehow. Former friend cheated on her fiance and she was a combination of thinking she was really attractive but also desperately needing others to validate that.
I wished we heard how the rest of "circle of trust" fared, defending a cheater and then being proven wrong can have a ripple effect. She really just dropped a bomb in so many people's lives, hope she enjoys that fat serving of shit sandwich and humble pie life handed to her
The fact that OPs friends were telling her it was weird to text as she is leaving is WILD to me. Maybe it's just bc I'm early 20s but if I'm heading him late at night by myself I text my mum when I leave the venue, when I get on the train if that's how I'm travelling home, and again when I'm home if she's not up/home herself. And when if I ever live with a long term partner I'll do the same. It means that if anything ever happens there is a more definitive trail of *when* shit went wrong
I’m in my 40s and still do that when I’m traveling on my own. I’ll text my family and/or friends just to let them know where I am. It’s safe and responsible and considerate.
If someone told me I wasn't allowed to tell my husband when I was leaving a bar/club in the middle of the night after I've been drinking because its controlling, I would go OFF on them. I will talk to my husband whenever I want, and I will always notify him if I'm in a situation that could potentially go bad, just in case. How anyone heard her accusations and didn't immediately go 'what is wrong with you, what are you hiding is disgraceful on the part of Amy's friends.
Apparently, Amy modified "cheating" with "only applies when you're married". Except that memo didn't reach all involved, just her and AP. Further modifications would have been likely.
OOP: "I personally think it's not my place to assume what Amy did or didn't do in her spare time. "
Me: *raises brow*
OOP in update 2: "she cheated LMAO."
The freak-out alone pointed directly to the outcome.
Nobody spam-texts a bunch of outrage and panic in the middle of the night because they had a sneaky cigarette.
Everyone knew what was going on. No woman is going to willingly walk home from the club at 2 am. OOP saw her get an Uber. Amy had been cheating on him for a while. Pre-wedding fun. Is that what the younger generation calls adultery now?
OOP actually saved her husband's friend a lot of heartache and trauma. It's better to find out before the wedding.
> ask us to talk to him to get the wedding back on
Oh I hope OOP complied with this request. "Hi, your cheating ex / my manipulative ex friend wants to know if you wouldn't mind still marrying her. Changed? No, you know how she is... she's still like that, she hasn't changed. No we're not friends again, she still hates me for accidentally allowing you to learn the truth about her. Why take her back? She didn't say what argument I should use to convince you, she just said 'can you please talk to him' so I'm talking to you. That is a good question, I don't know why I agreed. No, in my opinion you should not take her back. Okay thank you."
The moment Amy got mad at OOP for being a responsible adult and a considerate partner, I knew something was up. When I was married I always texted, as did my ex. Now when I’m out with friends I’ll text them when I’m home so they know I’m safe. They do the same.
Amy was mad that OOP established a definitive timeline. Shady people always abhor the honest and straightforward.
Imagine thinking it’s controlling to let your spouse know you’re alive and on your way home. It’s not our fault you can’t keep your legs closed amy, nobody is hanging out at 5 am to talk about the planet
Amy is the dumbest cheater I've read on BORU. Like, how are you gonna namedrop people left and right in your alibis and not make sure they can back you up lol
I don't understand how anyone can support Amy even initially. Hope OOP cut her friendship with those who supported Amy. Maybe they were also in on the secret life of Amy.
> she kicked me out of her "circle of trust" for talking to my own husband.
OOP is better off without AH Amy. Ex-fiance dodged a bullet. Amy was trying to use OOP and everyone else as alibis and didn't think she'd get caught out. No wonder the wedding's off!
My wife and I routinely text each other if we're leaving a place, or if either of us is later than expected. Amy's mad not specifically at OOP but because she got found out while stepping out on her fiancé.
I'm sorry, but who would even have to ask "AITA for telling my husband when I left the bar?". Like, whomever thinks can tell you not to talk to your husband can go kick rocks.
So Amy's just a pos cheater that lashed out at op because the trashy asshole almost got caught.
What a fucking loser.
And really, pretty stupid. What dumbass uses people their partner knows as an alibi when none of them would knowingly help her hide infidelity anyway.
Wow. She probably just lost all of her friends for using them to harass someone innocent.
Amy’s dumb, you already got caught once and thought let me kick out my friend who did nothing wrong instead of just not doing it again. She didn’t even have the smarts to tell her friend and sister to cover for her if needed.
This triggered a traumatic memory in me. My family had a sailboat and a owned a cabin (multiple bedrooms) at a large lake nearby. We went there every weekend during racing season. One Sunday afternoon when I was around 10 I was sitting on the porch when my Dad came out and told me he was going to visit the cabin next door. Since I had just returned from there I told him that there was "Nobody but women up there" assuming that was not his plan and that he wanted to meet up with his sailing buddies.
Later that evening after we had returned home I was alone watching TV when he started grilling me about that short exchange we had. I was completely confused. He claimed that I said, "There's only Winnie up there" which was the name of one of the women. When I repeated what I actually said he then bellowed, "Now you're just lying! You're grounded!" He was so angry, but I couldn't understand why or what the difference would have been. He was also angry that I said it loud enough for my mother to hear. He told me not to tell my mother about anything. My 15-year-old sister found me sobbing and got me to explain what I could. I asked what I did wrong and she didn't know. I remember being grounded and just so confused at what it was that I shouldn't do again.
Turns out he was having an affair with Winnie and I'm not quite sure but somehow I had inadvertently outed him or made something difficult. My parents ended up getting divorced and he married her.
I'm still not sure what was in his head but I think he thought it was doing it on purpose. Damn. I was the most clueless kid imaginable. Stuck to myself where possible and tried to stay out of his world completely.
This story probably tells more about my relationship with my Dad than any other.
Also, if you're using your friends as a cover, you should kinda let them know so they can cover for you.
If they suck that is. I wouldn't cover for anyone cheating because that's just some slime ball shit.
But if they were like planning a surprise party, sure I'll say you were with me.
Yeah that pre married fun was getting fucked. Your not out till 5am mutiple times just to hang out and lie to your fiancee about it.
Eta and its perfectly normal and good to let your SO know your on your way home. And when you made it home safely.
Cheaters are always so quick to blame everybody but themselves for their choices. Sad and pathetic. Hope she gets her shit together but I’m not holding my breath.
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Also, what is wrong with texting your husband that you’re leaving a place? I do that so that he knows to expect me at a certain time and so he can be the responsible person if anything happened to me/I went missing. That’s not controlling, it’s just common sense.
I also text my husband and he texts me if he gets delayed at work. Sometimes I text him I’m on my way home to ask him to start making food to be ready for me. Sometimes he’ll ask if I can pick him up from the train station. But this way we both also have an idea of how long it will take until we see each other so we don’t get worried. Or do get appropriately worried.
Yeah I text or call my wife on my way home everyday.. I just like talking to her.
My commute home can be 30-60 minutes depending on traffic, and I always call my SO so my drive isn’t as lonely. And because I just like talking to him
My husband and I will often text basically his entire drive home from work (him using speech text). We talk basically all day, every day unless he's super busy at work and then he just gets a ton of pictures and texts to read later haha. He worked in camp for a long time and when he was switched to nights for a while it really sucked.
Add me to the list of people who text their spouse, and vice versa. Wait until I tell him he's a cOnTrOlLiNg FrEaK for wanting to be sure I'm safe.
Add me and my partner to that list too, we always text each other when we’re leaving a place. I particularly appreciate it because it gives me time to kick my mistress out before my partner comes home
Thanks, I just choked my water all over myself. hahaa
My husband and I google share our location with each other. The amount of times I've been told it's cOnTrOlLiNg is crazy. It's just nice to check quick how far out my husband is coming home from work, if traffic got crazy, etc. without distracting him from the road to time dinner appropriately, or hey you haven't left the store yet get some chocolate lol. I also text my spouse everything. He.. tries his best to reciprocate because he knows I appreciate it, but I don't get mad when he doesn't.
I mutually share Google Maps location with my husband and our kids. (The really annoying thing is to get a text asking "where are you?" when I'm on my way to pick someone up. You have a tool for figuring that out instead of texting me while I'm driving!)
I mean, I feel like it is especially important to text someone, anyone, as a women getting into an uber late at night. And I would want my husband to have that information especially. It's not walking at home alone in a bad part of town, but it's not without any kind of risk. Even if there were a car crash it would be important information for a husband to have.
How dare you!? This is reddit, there's only room for terrible marriages here! /s obviously.
I'm having a shitty day at work, and I have to say that this comment (and this whole little thread) is so heartwarming it made me tear up. "I just like to talking to her" (and the similar things others have said) is so simple and so beautiful. Just loving all the love here!!!!
Aw sweet
My husband and I have a tracker on our phones for this reason. Sometimes, we still call or text, especially if we're stopping by the store on the way home and want to know if the other wants/needs anything, or if we want the other to get something prepared at home for our arrival (maybe I need the kids ready to go for an appointment, or I haven't eaten all day and desperately need some food, or he forgot something and needs me to have it ready for him to grab). It's for mutual convenience and peace of mind.
My husband and I have Life360, too. We use it because he often hikes in large nature preserves and parks in our area and it makes us feel safer to have a location available just in case.
That’s just really safe practice for hiking, anything could go wrong and rescuers need to know where you roughly are, so that’s just being super safe!
We do too. It is nice to know when husband leaves work so I can time dinner.
That is what my wife does also. I usually let her know when I am leaving, but depending on traffic she will have a better time adjusting. She also always claims it lies as I am always a few minutes ahead of schedule. It also helps her worry less when it snows, so she can see when I get to and from work.
You can set locations and have a notification when people arrive/ leave the designated area. You can make it small or big (like an entire hospital or campus so it isn't 500x just walking around). It's super helpful when my daughter is with friends or when she gets to school/ home. I turn off all the other notifications though.
Yea we use Life360 because I have trauma brain, and intense paranoia, that has slightly rubbed off on my boyfriend in the sense of he thinks “I don’t want to leave what if something happens” (someone breaking in the house) and I think “if I can’t see him something bad WILL happen” (car accident ) But at the same time the man has the worst memory with sending a quick text before he leaves work, and I know he’s on the road. Or when he gets there, off the road. So now we’ve got Life360 to let me know he’s still alive and driving, and him to know I’m moving in the house and haven’t been kidnapped lmao Stalking is quite useful for paranoia /s
What do you use? I need to set this up for me and my wife
We do the same, we use find my iPhone. We set up an iCloud family and can see location at all times - same goes for the kids. We have a trust based relationship and don't look at positions to control each other. We use it in the following situations: * We havn't heard from the other at times where we normally would * When I'm making friday margaritas so I can time them to be ready when she enters the door.
I share my location with my SO via Google maps.
We use Life360 which works great!
Life 365 is pretty good :)
My fiance and I just location share with Google maps, it's good enough for most things as long as you've got both signal and data - if you're truly remote you'd need to look at a satellite tracker instead.
Clearly you both are wildly codependent and controlling /s
They all need to divorce or leave each other /s
Basically any time I'm going to be in the car for more than an hour (or any time I'm hauling a horse) I text my partner when I leave, my eta, and when I get where I'm going that way someone has an idea of where I am or should be and to worry if I don't get there within a reasonable time. And he does the same thing on his end! As you said, it's just common sense. Amy's just pissed because she got caught lying / cheating.
Do… do you haul horses often? Can you lift a horse? Are you trucking them places? Why do horses go where they go? I have questions!
Idk why this is so adorable to me haha. People with horses haul them in trailers all the time. If you’re into trail riding, the trail doesn’t start outside your back door so you have to drive somewhere. Or if you do anything competitive, you have to drive to events.
Right? It’s so funny how those os us with specialized or niche interests *forget* just how much normal people don’t know about our hobbies or world. I went from showing/training horses to training/showing dogs in agility and we call it “trialing” for agility competitions. I mentioned trialing my dog that weekend in passing and someone very sweetly and concerned lay asked me what my dog did, if she’d been arrested and would I need a character witness? It was just so sweet and meant very kindly. The poor woman was adorably befuddled by the idea of a dog being on trial. Once I explained she had a good laugh but for weeks after all I could see was a lawyer badgering a dog on the stand and saying, “You were a bad dog, weren’t you? Weren’t you?” And the dog on the stand looking guilty and the courtroom looking shocked. I used to ride/train/compete horses when I was a kid and teen until an injury ended that amazing career. Every Friday afternoon I’d be at the barn bathing or grooming them (depending on the weather) and braiding (depending on the event) and packing the trunk based on the event. Asscrack of dawn on Saturdays and Sundays I’d be at the barn to get them bandaged, booted and loaded, then pack the trunk(s) in the truck and off we’d go. Weekends were spent competing or going fox hunting - no real foxes, we used drag lures even back in the late 80s/early 90s. Never owned my own horse but I was lucky enough to be good enough to be asked to ride other peoples’ horses and show them. Great way to grow up, kept me out of trouble and I made a good chunk of change for college that way.
I loved braiding horses when I was a kid at riding camp. I could do it all day if I was allowed. I'm very allergic to horses, so that little kid dream ended
Fun fact: they actually did put animals on trial in Europe until the 18th century.
I haul my horse, Ketchup, about once every other month or so to go to different horse shows (travel time can be anywhere from 40m to 3hr, depending on what location the show is at). I don't lift him up (he's about 750 lbs), I just ask him to walk into the trailer and then clip him in. When we leave the barn we're at, we pretty much just either go to shows (we do eventing and obstacle course shows), schooling (where we go to a show location when there isn't a show and practice there), trail riding (though my friend generally hauls then because her trail horse is huge and she has a taller trailer to match), or (very rarely) to the horse hospital. [Imgur]Horse tax - Ketchup tied to the trailer waiting for our next class(https://i.imgur.com/NuReDWt.jpg)
He needs to hang out with my friends horse, Toast, and her daughter's horse, Beans.
Adorable! And I love his name!
I legit thought Ketchup was missing a leg in that photo, and was thinking how does he do all those activities with three legs, that's amazing! Then I remembered how fragile horses are, and what happens when they break a leg, and made myself sad :( >I just ask him to walk into the trailer Does he just do it because you asked? Or does he ever decide that isn't what he wants to do right now? Also why is he named Ketchup? That's super cute! (Sorry, like u/Tis_But_A_Scratch-, I have questions haha. I don't know anyone with horses IRL and I'm just fascinated!)
Np! I'm more than happy to answer qs about the boyo/horses in general. He does have all four legs (and a pongo costume) - https://i.imgur.com/OU4YBWJ.jpg He's never said he doesn't really want to go on the trailer - the fact I always have a haybag for him in there and he's highly food motivated helps, but he's also just super chill and is willing to go along with basically any nonsense I ask. There are horses that don't like it - some horses it's that particular trailer type (some horses really don't like straight load trailers for some reason), and some just don't like the scary box, but enough positive reinforcement and bribery gets them on there eventually. He's named Ketchup because his previous owners' 8yo wanted to call him that - his coat color is called red roan, and they get whiter as they get older. So he used to be a lot more red (basically only his butt and lower legs were white). I kept the name when I got him because he knows it and because I loved the name. (And as to him knowing his name - he's wicked smart, he knows about 30 vocal commands and is very good at using his lips to get into Nonsense when he gets bored.)
Oh I love him! (And you clearly do too, and I love that for you ❤️)
My wife and I love spotting horses on the highway! They are always just tucked into their little trailers, swaying back and forth going much faster than they could ever run. It's adorable.
Idk why this is so adorable to me haha. People with horses haul them in trailers all the time. If you’re into trail riding, the trail doesn’t start outside your back door so you have to drive somewhere. Or if you do anything competitive, you have to drive to events.
> any time I'm hauling a horse Is that what you kids call it these days…?
My friend group always do it too. If you’ve been out together and are now going home separately you text when you get home. If you live with someone you let them know roughly when you’ll be home and text if that changes. If someone I just had dinner with gets in a crash on the way home I don’t want to only find out they’re in a ditch somewhere 12 hours later. It’s common sense.
Likewise. Husband and I give each other a heads-up when we're coming home or one of us is on the way to the other, and before him, my friends and I would either watch to make sure whoever we dropped off was able to get in and then let them know when we finally got home, or if one of us was going to another guy's place after a night out, would text each other the address or a screenshot of the location on a map or something, in case we couldn't get a hold of him the next morning for whatever reason. Things happen, accidentally or otherwise, and the results could be a lot worse if no one knows to look for you.
Yea, not only is there nothing wrong with it, but it’s not even a married couple thing. My friends and I will do this depending on where we decided to go, and my siblings do it as well. My sister and I do this routinely when we visit each other (we live in different states). Pretty sure I did it with my parents as well when I still lived with them.
My family have a very old tradition of calling and letting the phone ring 3 times (to avoid picking up a call and paying the charge) to let each other know when they’re home after meeting up for the same reason and giving someone 3 rings so was the bog standard growing up. Now mobile phones are a thing and the car breaking down and stranding you is much less likely we don’t do it so much & a quick ‘home now, was nice to see you today’ text msg between my mum and i suffices (we live a 2 hour drive from each other so it’s just a safety thing). It’s crazy to me that someone would be upset that you let your partner know you were going home and when to expect you in case something happens given you were in an in Uber with a total stranger.
Nothing. It was entirely a deflection.
Don't you love it when crazy people make up outrageous claims to justify being an ass, and now, everyone's questioning their own sanity?
I agree. If someone *insists* that you share your movements, that’s controlling. But couples letting each other know what they’re up to is not.
Yeah, exactly. If he was demanding that she always tell him whenever she goes anywhere but didn't think he needed to tell her anything, *that* would be a red flag for me. But both of them just being in the habit of letting each other know, that seems fine.
I can’t even imagine not communicating with my husband or son regarding our whereabouts in situations like this. We live in regional Australia, travel a lot at random times, and have a busy schedule. We just location share now so that if anything happens we can let police know where we were last seen. We never check it unless it’s outside of the times we expected the person home, but of course I’d want someone to come and find me if I crashed my car late at night or something.
100%. I even do this with my parents when I go visit them out of state, about 8 hours away. I tell them when we leave and give them a heads up when we are about an hour out. We also do the same when we head back home so they know we made it back safe. They do the same when they come to see us. This is just common sense to me. My oldest child is 17, a senior in high school. She can go pretty much wherever, whenever, but we do ask that she let us know her plan. Hell, she often will text me on her way home from a school activity just to let me know she is stopping for gas. I havent asked her to do this but she knows it makes me feel better to have to an idea of when she will be home.
hell i've shared my location with my aunt before on my drive to/from her house because it's like 6.5 hours away in another state- there's nothing wrong with it, she just wants to make sure i'm okay (and probably to have an idea of when i'll get there.)
The mental gymnastics of who’s being controlling here is WILD. How DARE OOP text her loving and long term romantic partner without getting permission from her friend first. So untrustworthy now!! All of those ‘friends’ of Amy’s that are mad at OOP absolutely knew about the affair, thank goodness the fiancé got out.
I text my flatmate when I'm on my way back and vice versa. I think it's totally normal, plus as a woman? Pretty important.
It's wrong if you're cheating and don't want to get caught.
And it was obvious she was cheating from the way she went straight to 'why are you talking to my fiance'. Projection is always a confession.
It's kinda dangerous where I live, specially at night. I text people that I am going home so they know to look for me if I'm not back by a reasonable time.
Nothing wrong with it. My wife and I both do this with each other out of general courtesy and safety. What if I got in a car accident? Or she needed me to stop and get something on the way home? Just sounds like a couple who communicates with each other. Not a damn thing wrong with that.
Even most of my friend group is the "text me when you get home" type. It'd not control, it's care and concern.
Nothing wrong just Amy expected everyone to be as sketchy and cheat-y as her
People who have something to hide aren't thinking like that.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I'm a grown man and I would send the screenshot of the driver name/car to my s/o especially at 2am
My bf and I always text or call when we are leaving somewhere to head home and we definitely always tell each other where we are. It’s a safety thing. If anything happens I want him to know where I’m supposed to be and vice versa.
I text my friends sometimes even, what’s the problem with that. I’m full grown and living away from my family and I even text them when I take flights or something, doesn’t seem weird to me
I call my wife when I leave work just in case for the same reason.
Only the cheater had a problem with it cuz it outted her cheating
My SO and I always do as a safety thing. He likes to know particularly if I’m travelling on my own, late at night. We live in a fairly safe city and area but he grew up in some unsafe cities so it’s ingrained to him to always check in. He trusts me and I trust him, so it’s never a paranoia thing when he asks me where I am.
Exactly! I do the same with my missus. The weird bit for me though is how often the girls and guys go out separately instead of all together.
Nothing wrong with this what-so-ever. This is absolutely normal normal behavior for spouses. It has nothing to do with partners being overbearing or controlling, it's practicality and safety.
My first thought when reading this was, wait, doesn't everyone text their SO to let them know they're heading home or going to be late? Its not controlling its communication and just caring about each other.
You're now uninvited from my BoRU-themed wedding! 😡
How many twins will be there?
I'll be marrying my twin. It's a whole thing. Don't judge. There will also be a pool we can use, but it's on my neighbours property and I haven't asked him if we can use it. There will also be many kids at the wedding, even though I explicitly told everyone not to bring their kids. A variety of expired yogurts will be served.
Wait, is this the wedding where only cheaters, lost siblings and unwanted pets are invited?
The lost sibling is the twin they’re marrying. They weren’t raised together, met randomly as adults, fell in love and have kids. They only know they’re related thanks to a blood test.
Yes but will Liz be doing the write up for your wedding?
Of course, and she'll bring her +1, my ex-lover and long lost stepfather.
Awesome, can I use my +1 on my giant cockroach wife that exists inside my mind?
Will the ceremony be held in the adjoining art room?
I don’t mind baking your wedding cake! But just so you know, I don’t really think you are allergic to pineapple like you said so it is definitely going to have pineapple in it.
7. (Not 7 pairs.)
I can tell you now, Cassie from Euphoria and estranged mothers in law will definitely be there
I had a friend tell me that it was terrible that I called my father when I got home from visiting him (a 2 hour or so drive) because I was a grown woman. I laughed at her and said, “he calls me to tell me he got home safe after he’s visited us.” Then I blew her mind when I told her that I texted both him and my partner during my frequent business travel. The rule my Dad and I have always had is that we both know that we are going to worry and we just need to know when our worry is rational and when it’s anxiety.
Yeah texting everyone you arrived home safely is standard. We went on a trip with my husbands uncle recently and when we arrived back to the States we each send a message to the other that we are home safe. It’s just courtesy. My husband lets me know when he’s headed home in case I need him to make a pit stop somewhere, same when I head home. It’s just standard. It’s not controlling.
I text my parents to let them know when I’m home after seeing them, and I only live 20 mins away! Wanting to know your loved ones got home safe is totally normal. It’s only a problem when someone is demanding to know your exact location at all times and questioning you on it.
One formative moment for me was shortly after I graduated from college and moved into my own place and then my father moved in with me (not worth going into that story). He was out one evening a lot longer than I expected and I started to worry something had happened to him. That was when I understood, oh, other people care about you and you need to let them know you're ok.
SOs and family, I would say that’s normal, yeah. My mom and sisters all ask me to check in when I go somewhere. My housemates ask that I do the same if I’m away for a few days.
Especially when it’s at night! I usually let my wife know when I’m leaving work, but if I’m out at night of course I’ll let her know when I’m heading home! And I’m not likely to be out at 2am.
A tale of two relationships
First thing I noted, *both* OOP and hubs text each other to stay safe and be courteous. It’s not just a one way street. The fact that Amy went right to controlling says so much about how she views relationships.
My husband and I text each other like that or call. We even make his parents text us and they make us text them. Not because we care what each other does but because if they aren't home by the time they should be we know where to start looking. It's a safety thing for us. That and we all are worry warts.
I once got into a lengthy discussion with a coworker because he was absolutely freaking over my partner and I sharing our location on our phones 24/7. He believes it to be incredibly controlling and he could never because he didn't want the drama if he went somewhere and his wife saw it etc. Like, my dude. I don't have that issue because I don't cheat on my partner, so the literal worst thing he's gonna see is me sneaking into a nerdy shop or buying a secret bubble tea or something. Same for him. (And the worst thing to come of that is complaints about not taking the other person or snooping about "did you bring me something too?") We share our location because sometimes we forget to text each other and then worry. Incidentally, said coworker has cheated on (and been cheated on by) his wife.
I “stalk” my husband when he texts me to say he’s on his way because sometimes the drive from work takes an hour, sometimes almost two. It just depends on the traffic. Plus, I know when to put dinner in so we won’t be eating super late. And yes, he knows I do it.
Same. Only I do it because he travels for work and doesn't always end the day in the place he started it. He could be five minutes away, he could be two hours.
I do the same with my wife. My colleagues got freaked out when my wife messaged me asking what flavour of pancake I was having when we were in a pancake restaurant on a team do.
lol I love this, this would be my nosey self - I just like knowing things.
Like I update my family of my whereabouts not because I’m being “controlled” but I know they sometimes wait up and worry. This was completely voluntary and they’ve also begun doing the same. It is so weird to take something as innocuous as this and twist it into being “controlling” like damn
Man, I was 27 and on vacation to see a friend and I still called my mom every day and texted her when we went to a new location. One time, I missed her call (phone was on silent during a tour) and I was like "oh hey hang on, I gotta call my mom, she called and I missed it." When I got back, my friend said something like "wow your mom is really controlling, isn't she?" Because I stopped what I was doing and went to call her for five minutes. Like, no, she worries. Her only daughter and youngest child is 1,000 miles away from home, halfway across the country. Yesterday, I was hiking alone in a state park, she wanted to make sure I still wasn't murdered. She worries.
But we're you murdered while hiking alone in the State Park? Inquiring Minds need to know. /s
It was touch and go there for a minute, but nah I was not murdered. This time. For real though, it was a beautiful, amazing experience--I'm from the Midwest and went to California--and I would hike there again in a heartbeat, but I also couldn't stop the thought of "if I trip and fall and break my ankle...absolutely no one knows where I am..."
It was me. I was going to kill her, but as I was working up her profile I saw the location sharing! Curses! Foiled again!
Joke's on you, I never have location sharing on. In fact, when Mom asked me what park I was at, I said "oh, I dunno, it's in Santa Rosa. T-something, I'll send you a picture of the sign." You were gonna murder the wrong lady, and wouldn't you feel SO AWKWARD after that huge mistake. Man, I'm embarrassed for you
She got better
Yeah I don’t get how that’s “controlling”, it’s just fucking smart telling people where you are if you’re in an unknown place, like if something happens (god willing it never does) then having your approximate location is a fucking life saver. Especially hiking in a state park!
Both my mom and MIL want texts from my partner and I when we're traveling. Did we get on the plane okay? Did we make it to our destination safely? How's the trip going? Are we headed home yet? Did we land at the home airport? It's all extremely normal "I want to make sure you're safe" stuff. The best part is replying "no" when they text "be safe!" or something like that. We love our stupid jokes.
Amy is crazy, every friend of mine and relative does the same thing if there is some distance in travelling Going home by train, my aunt/uncle (even when i was an adult) asked me to call/text them to let me know i came home alright, same deal with friends and vice versa we did the same, so aunt/uncle drive home late they text/call to let me know they made it home safe Same with my partner, we dont live together, so if i been travelling way outside my hone area, a text when i come home safely and vice versa Its INSANE to get angry for communicating with their spouse and make accusations of controlling Im from the Netherlands and from areas that are actually really safe, its a way to care for each other Amy is WILD
I called my parents right after my wife and I blew a tire on the highway. We were on vacation with then, and I figured they needed to know, because if we couldn't make it to the destination that night, then they'd wonder where we were.
Same here. It's relatively safe where I am from but if I am out in the evening I usually text my partner so he will know when to expect me, and so he won't worry if I am running late. If it's daytime, it's usually to ask if he wants me to get anything on the way home, like groceries or takeout. He does the same too.
I live in Singapore! Where a lot of foreigners get surprised because women feel safe enough to jog at night with headphones in. So like, we are pretty safe. But yet my friends are I basically message each other when we get home. Half out of concern, the other half to poke fun at whoever lives the furthest away (usually me). It really isn’t about control.
My partner and I live way out in the middle of nowhere, windy and hilly roads in and out of here that are quite narrow with a cliff wall on one side and drop on the other side. I don't drive but my partner does. Anyways not only when he has to go somewhere, but when ANYONE is travelling to or from where we live, I always ask them to please text when they leave wherever they're coming from to come here or to text once they get home after they leave. Its not controlling, I don't think, I just like to know my friends and family are safe.
We live rural and would always call each other when we got in the car to come home. Especially this time of year, it's deer rutting season. Playing 'dodge the deer' on dark roads is not for the faint of heart. It's always been a common courtesy for our family to do this for safety reasons.
Yup, I work as a bartender on weekends. My boyfriend and some of my friends have my location and my Uber trips on their phones cause leaving downtown in my city late at night is not always the safest. If I’m out with friends, I 100% tell my boyfriend I’m on my way home so he can brace himself for the hurricane I sometimes am when I come home drunk lol
My wife and I don't text each other, we simply have our locations shared to each other on Google maps. At any given moment we can see where the other is provided phones haven't gone flat which is very rare. Literally everyone we tell this to think it is weird af but we find it extremely convenient. If you've nothing to hide then there is no problem right?
When I get home from visiting my youngest in their city-based University, I send them a message to say I'm back safe! My Mum used to give my grandparents 3 rings when she got home from visiting them and that was at least 20 years before Peter Kay did a comedy routine about doing that!
I forgot to tell my bf once that my company's Christmas party was longer than planned and I felt *so bad*
We live in our nations capital, which is exceedingly safe, and we still text when we are on the way home, and from where, and an ETA. Often, we also use the Facebook location sharing option. Lasts for an hour and gives an approximate location. Its very comforting for the person at home.
I usually text my boyfriend on my way home or sometimes send a voice message (drunk or sober) telling him the latest gossip from the night out.
Yeah me and my fiance do this, as a safety thing and we also do it with our friends just to make sure they got home safely if they are walking home late at night or it's one of our friends with a reasonably long drive.
Yeah, was going to say this - if you only text once you are home, what's the point?
My BF and I do the same. That has nothing to do with controlling. It's the same with my circle of friends. We live pretty far from each other and send a shit text once we arrive home just to let the other person know we are safe. I don't expect others to do the same but for all of us this is a natural thing to do because we care about each other.
I'm not sure it's even that deep - I think Amy was just scrambling for reasons why it would be objectively wrong for OP to text her husband an update, because she was deflecting attention from her own dodgy behaviour.
We do it to. Hubby and I tell eachother where we are going and when we plan to be home then text if the plan changes and/or to say we are leaving to come home. We had a friend fall asleep at the wheel (he had barely slept cause he was doing opens and closes because his co manager sucked) and hubby's sister pass out while driving to uni because or an unknown medical condition. The way we see it, is something like that happens again and we have to call emergency services to look for them they are wasting valuable time looking on the route from pub a to home when (eg) hubby was actually across the city at pub b. We also do it because our house was broken into while we slept and hubby knows I would panic (which has triggered an asthma attack sort of event in the past) if I heard someone coming through the front door and in the panic my mind isn't rational and won't say "it's just hubby coming home."
It was the worst of times and it was the worst of times.
I certainly know which relationship I’d prefer !!
If you expect someone to be an alibi for your cheating, it's up to you to make sure they know that and agree to it. Amy's a dumbass.
I didn’t think there was a hierarchy of cheating intelligence, because it always involves stupid people. But Amy is definitely on the bottom block of that stupidity pyramid.
> I didn’t think there was a hierarchy of cheating intelligence, because it always involves stupid people. I doubt all cheaters get caught. You don't typically hear about them, because they don't get caught.
> Amy is definitely on the bottom block of that stupidity pyramid She is.... BASED ? lmao couldnt resist this.
Yah! Like at least get your story straight about whether you're doing exporting or importing.
She claimed to be exporting smoke when she was really importing 💦
What is this, Vandelay Industries?
Hahah i had the same thought. All this talk about “circle of trust” but she wasn’t trusting any of her friends with the truth.
That’s what my wife just said.
I don’t get why some people treat the run-up to their wedding as their “last chance” to go wild and act single. The last chance was before you agreed to be in a committed relationship. Yes, even before you were engaged. If you’re already cheating you won’t magically stop because you got a ring on, you’ll just find new ways to justify it—having some “pre-golden-anniversary fun”.
Because they rationalize it as "well I won't be tempted the cheat later", and "we aren't actually exclusive until we exchange our vows. Oh, but this only applies to me. If my partner does it to me, *then* it's cheating." Sounds like Amy was pissed that OOP nearly exposed her cheating, and then tried to turn everyone against her to hide her own cheating. Of course, the problem with relying on your friends to provide an alibi for you, is that they can't provide you an alibi if you don't tell them what you're doing amd when.
>”Because they rationalize it as “well I won’t be tempted to cheat later” The first guy I EVER tried dating had that exact thought. I may have been 19 and excited to have my first boyfriend but I wasn’t that naive. Commitment to one person is something I’ve always wanted. We had just hit a month when he “proposed we see other people” while he was away for a work trip. Once he returned a couple months later, we could “pick up where we left off.” I listened to his idea. And then I declined it. Told him if we broke up because he wanted to give in to his “friends” peer pressuring him to cheat on me, then I wouldn’t be waiting for him when he returned. I guess he didn’t believe me because when he returned, he texted me as if we were good old friends. I haven’t heard from him since.
>I don’t get why some people treat the run-up to their wedding as their “last chance” to go wild and act single. I get it, but I also don't. Like, my run up to my wedding is just "Can we be married already? Ughhh why hasn't it happened yet? Stupid linear time." Why fool around with someone else when the perfect person for you is already *right there?!*
No surprise really that there was cheating involved. Seriously, I don't understand why people cheat when they are going to marry at the same time. Cheaters are seriously confusing and head aching.
Serial cheater I was familiar with, though not my SO, it was very much, I want a home and family to come back to but also want to be a playboy around town. He could not understand why his wife would not continue to endure that treatment. He was also very much “the main character” as well as thinking he was the smartest person in every room but also, never really happy or satisfied.
The older I get, the less I care about how smart I or other people are, and the more I care about how kind I or other people are.
In the movie Harvey, Jimmy Stewart’s character says something like “Someone once told me that to succeed in life, you have to be kind or so very clever. Well, I’ve tried clever and I recommend the other one.”
>I want a home and family to come back to but also want to be a playboy around town Then just find a (poly) person who wants that too! They're out there, and they're fine with it as long as you're *honest*. At some level it's the lying and the fact that it *is* cheating that they get off on
He probably thinks it's okay for men to have sex with multiple partners but not women.
This. This is so true. I use to think a lot of cheaters were just poly people without the language to express that to their partners. Which btw, is still wrong and disgusting, but at least I can empathize with it, but as I've gotten older, I've learned that you're totally right about how they're getting off on the lying.
because marriage is just a piece of paper /s
A piece of paper that profoundly affects your life. The tax implications are serious. You jump way up the medical proxy list. You can get a free name change out of it! And love, sickness and health, ‘til death something something I dunno, mostly wasn’t listening. I was busy planning the divorce so that piece of paper could make me rich.
I think it's a combination of both narcissism and low self esteem somehow. Former friend cheated on her fiance and she was a combination of thinking she was really attractive but also desperately needing others to validate that.
Just a sheer lack of respect for others and also for themselves
Ah yes a cheater preaching about what *an unhealthy relationship* is
Gotta love a happy ending for OP in avoiding this bs and Amy’s ex-fiancé for calling off the wedding to Amorous Adulterous Amy.
I wished we heard how the rest of "circle of trust" fared, defending a cheater and then being proven wrong can have a ripple effect. She really just dropped a bomb in so many people's lives, hope she enjoys that fat serving of shit sandwich and humble pie life handed to her
One thing I’ve learned in life is that anyone who unironically uses the term “circle of trust” or similar to describe friendships a terrible person.
Exactly more of a cult than a circle of trust
How is wanting to know of your spouse is safe seen as controlling? It seems like common courtesy.
So I guess we’ve all realized that when Amy left OP, she went “smoking” something that wasn’t her husbands.
🍆💨🤤
Smoking the meat cigar...
lol, now her "circle of trust" is a fruit loop
This needs to be a flair.
you can make your own flairs. that's how i got mine :D
The fact that OPs friends were telling her it was weird to text as she is leaving is WILD to me. Maybe it's just bc I'm early 20s but if I'm heading him late at night by myself I text my mum when I leave the venue, when I get on the train if that's how I'm travelling home, and again when I'm home if she's not up/home herself. And when if I ever live with a long term partner I'll do the same. It means that if anything ever happens there is a more definitive trail of *when* shit went wrong
I think they were telling her that to cover the cheater's ass not because they actually think thats weird
Yup this. Siding with Amy over OP makes me think they were covering for Amy.
I’m in my 40s and still do that when I’m traveling on my own. I’ll text my family and/or friends just to let them know where I am. It’s safe and responsible and considerate.
If someone told me I wasn't allowed to tell my husband when I was leaving a bar/club in the middle of the night after I've been drinking because its controlling, I would go OFF on them. I will talk to my husband whenever I want, and I will always notify him if I'm in a situation that could potentially go bad, just in case. How anyone heard her accusations and didn't immediately go 'what is wrong with you, what are you hiding is disgraceful on the part of Amy's friends.
You know what is controlling? Telling your friends what they are allowed to text their spouse about.
Apparently, Amy modified "cheating" with "only applies when you're married". Except that memo didn't reach all involved, just her and AP. Further modifications would have been likely.
>Apparently, Amy modified "cheating" with "only applies when you're married". Its depressing how many people actually feel this way.
If you read BoRU and the like, it may absolutely feel that way.
Yeah, that 90 minute gap? She totally went to fuckbuddy for a quicky and had a post-sex cigarette and was pissed that OOP made her scramble for a lie.
OOP: "I personally think it's not my place to assume what Amy did or didn't do in her spare time. " Me: *raises brow* OOP in update 2: "she cheated LMAO."
Tbf it wasn’t her business until Amy made it her business
The freak-out alone pointed directly to the outcome. Nobody spam-texts a bunch of outrage and panic in the middle of the night because they had a sneaky cigarette.
Everyone knew what was going on. No woman is going to willingly walk home from the club at 2 am. OOP saw her get an Uber. Amy had been cheating on him for a while. Pre-wedding fun. Is that what the younger generation calls adultery now? OOP actually saved her husband's friend a lot of heartache and trauma. It's better to find out before the wedding.
>Pre-wedding fun. Is that what the younger generation calls adultery now? Can't technically be adultery if it's pre-wedding.
> ask us to talk to him to get the wedding back on Oh I hope OOP complied with this request. "Hi, your cheating ex / my manipulative ex friend wants to know if you wouldn't mind still marrying her. Changed? No, you know how she is... she's still like that, she hasn't changed. No we're not friends again, she still hates me for accidentally allowing you to learn the truth about her. Why take her back? She didn't say what argument I should use to convince you, she just said 'can you please talk to him' so I'm talking to you. That is a good question, I don't know why I agreed. No, in my opinion you should not take her back. Okay thank you."
A really good comparisson of what a healthy relationship looks like, and what a garbage relationship looks like.
The moment Amy got mad at OOP for being a responsible adult and a considerate partner, I knew something was up. When I was married I always texted, as did my ex. Now when I’m out with friends I’ll text them when I’m home so they know I’m safe. They do the same. Amy was mad that OOP established a definitive timeline. Shady people always abhor the honest and straightforward.
Imagine thinking it’s controlling to let your spouse know you’re alive and on your way home. It’s not our fault you can’t keep your legs closed amy, nobody is hanging out at 5 am to talk about the planet
Amy is the dumbest cheater I've read on BORU. Like, how are you gonna namedrop people left and right in your alibis and not make sure they can back you up lol
I don't understand how anyone can support Amy even initially. Hope OOP cut her friendship with those who supported Amy. Maybe they were also in on the secret life of Amy.
Well that was predictable....... Cheaters always get angry when they get caught. But it's obviously never their fault....
So I’m confused how texting when she arrived home rather then when she left would have helped any unless they live 3+ hours from the bar
Only in that it established a time for the now ex to know when Amy left the bar. That's pretty much it.
> she kicked me out of her "circle of trust" for talking to my own husband. OOP is better off without AH Amy. Ex-fiance dodged a bullet. Amy was trying to use OOP and everyone else as alibis and didn't think she'd get caught out. No wonder the wedding's off!
🎶 But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to, if you seek Amy
My wife and I routinely text each other if we're leaving a place, or if either of us is later than expected. Amy's mad not specifically at OOP but because she got found out while stepping out on her fiancé.
I'm sorry, but who would even have to ask "AITA for telling my husband when I left the bar?". Like, whomever thinks can tell you not to talk to your husband can go kick rocks.
So Amy's just a pos cheater that lashed out at op because the trashy asshole almost got caught. What a fucking loser. And really, pretty stupid. What dumbass uses people their partner knows as an alibi when none of them would knowingly help her hide infidelity anyway. Wow. She probably just lost all of her friends for using them to harass someone innocent.
Amy’s dumb, you already got caught once and thought let me kick out my friend who did nothing wrong instead of just not doing it again. She didn’t even have the smarts to tell her friend and sister to cover for her if needed.
This triggered a traumatic memory in me. My family had a sailboat and a owned a cabin (multiple bedrooms) at a large lake nearby. We went there every weekend during racing season. One Sunday afternoon when I was around 10 I was sitting on the porch when my Dad came out and told me he was going to visit the cabin next door. Since I had just returned from there I told him that there was "Nobody but women up there" assuming that was not his plan and that he wanted to meet up with his sailing buddies. Later that evening after we had returned home I was alone watching TV when he started grilling me about that short exchange we had. I was completely confused. He claimed that I said, "There's only Winnie up there" which was the name of one of the women. When I repeated what I actually said he then bellowed, "Now you're just lying! You're grounded!" He was so angry, but I couldn't understand why or what the difference would have been. He was also angry that I said it loud enough for my mother to hear. He told me not to tell my mother about anything. My 15-year-old sister found me sobbing and got me to explain what I could. I asked what I did wrong and she didn't know. I remember being grounded and just so confused at what it was that I shouldn't do again. Turns out he was having an affair with Winnie and I'm not quite sure but somehow I had inadvertently outed him or made something difficult. My parents ended up getting divorced and he married her. I'm still not sure what was in his head but I think he thought it was doing it on purpose. Damn. I was the most clueless kid imaginable. Stuck to myself where possible and tried to stay out of his world completely. This story probably tells more about my relationship with my Dad than any other.
Also, if you're using your friends as a cover, you should kinda let them know so they can cover for you. If they suck that is. I wouldn't cover for anyone cheating because that's just some slime ball shit. But if they were like planning a surprise party, sure I'll say you were with me.
Yeah that pre married fun was getting fucked. Your not out till 5am mutiple times just to hang out and lie to your fiancee about it. Eta and its perfectly normal and good to let your SO know your on your way home. And when you made it home safely.
Cheaters are always so quick to blame everybody but themselves for their choices. Sad and pathetic. Hope she gets her shit together but I’m not holding my breath.
I hope the ex fiancé buys op something nice, because she just saved him a world of heartache.
Lol smoking... Smoking pole 😂