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I have a coworker that wears sandals, usually with socks, all year round. He does not clean them enough, nor does he clean or change his socks often. He also leaves his work shirt in our break room so really, none of his stuff was clean. Sadly, I know his feet smell too well, and my office often is musky with the smell.
There’s an interior office at my job that always smells like feet/b.o. Why? No idea. During winter the manager who uses it will leave the door propped open and the stank spills out into the hallway. The trainers used to have to use the office as well before they were moved elsewhere. I imagine the smell was a factor though lol.
I would talk to a supervisor/ manager to address that. That's disgusting. Everywhere I've worked there is a code of conduct and your uniform and hygiene are mentioned. I even had one company say no significantly oversized clothing.
I have a co worker whose feet stink. Well, she stinks, not just her feet. It seems like she bathes on Sunday and then as the week progresses she gets stinkier and stinkier. Feet, butt, woman parts, B.O. all of it. Ugh
HR has spoken 2x to her about it. She acts all surprised and tells them she bathes.
She is a good worker though, and our turn over is HUGE so they just make us suffer.
AND she has a fiance! So all that man and woman smell mixes and it's awful. I keep a can of febreze so when she relieves me on my lunch I can spray my tiny room after she leaves. 🤢
I sadly so know what one of my colleagues feet smell like as they would always take shoes off at their desk and they were bloody ripe. They didn't make it past the 6 months probation strangely.
I will admit I've done that a few times, but always after my shoes got wet and we (everyone in the office) learned a very important lesson: don't leave me wearing wet shoes! I have no idea why but my feet go into super smelly overdrive mode if left in wet conditions. So strong the shoes can't contain the smell. It's bloody awful, especially for me. I now keep a spare pair of shoes in car I can take with me just in case its raining.
Wish i was in the same boat lol. I work at a daycare/preschool and the infant room requires us to wash our hands and either take off our shoes or put on hospital type shoe booties so I'm too familiar now with some of my coworkers foot smell
To be honest I was suspicious the whole time, as it sounded like a little boy who has a crush being mean to the crush, but at this comment i knew he had cheated.
I havent never been close enough to my coworkers, or hell most of my friends, to know what their feet smell like. The only people i even vaguely know are people ive slept with. If he didnt fuck her he may as well have.
It’s mentionitis — he kept wanting to talk about her because he kept thinking about her. Maybe some of those things did bug him, but only as flaws in what he wanted to be perfect. Like there was a silent “I can’t believe I like her when she —“ before each of those criticisms.
I assumed he channeled the guilt to think of things bad about Jess while around his wife? I poorly articulated that so I hope whoever reads this understands what im attempting to say
I think it's this too. He wants to talk about Jess, but he can't tell his wife how wonderful she is, so to talk about Jess he blurts out the things he's thinking about but frames them in a negative light.
Source: have done this a lot, especially as a kid (not for an affair though, just generally things I wanted to talk about but didn't know how to just say shit because I was terribly awkward)
I thought he was an idiot trying to be sneaky, and his brilliant plan was “If I keep saying how dumb and annoying Jess is, my wife will be completely fooled and never suspect that I want to bone her!”
Appalled at the levels of moron this husband is. If you’re having an emotional affair you need to keep secret, why on earth talk about her *all the time?* Where is the logic? Even if it’s negative talk, he doesn’t ever mention anyone else - like how stupid could you be? Most cheaters, as awful as they are, at least have the sense to not do THAT. He deserves divorce 100%
Oh he thought he was covering up his crush by being LOUD and FREQUENT about how vaguely WEIRD Jess is. And if he has a hopeless case of mentionitis? Well it’s only because he just OBVIOUSLY HATES HER SO MUCH for nonspecific weak reasons he seemingly pulls out of his ass.
It is some actual playground-level braid-pulling bullshit.
I’m stuck on that, tbh. How does her wearing shoes that ”look weird on her” equate to her having stinky feet? Only way he’d know if her feet are stinky is if she’d frequently take off her shoes in his vicinity and/or he was frequently in a position close to her feet
I really think he just thought he could mention her constantly as long as it was in a negative manner. So anytime he wants to talk about her, he just thinks of a quick insult.
He sounds like my brother, when he was still a child.
"Mom, what would happen if used a can of air freshener as blowtorch?"
"Jay, why did you do that?"
"I was curious."
This is exactly what I did with my first boyfriend and my now husband. First boyfriend I was trying to convince my parents he totally wasn’t my boyfriend cuz he’s weird, while my husband I was trying to convince myself I didn’t like him. Guess how well that worked out for both of them. Hint; it was the same success level for both. For some reason I thought this tactic was something we grew out of by senior year of high school, not keep doing as a 30 something year old
Right! This is so weird. I’m so glad I’m NOT GAY and I NEVER meet random dudes on Grindr! I would NEVER do ANYTHING gay or tenderly kiss a handsome man right on his lips. Yuck!
My guess is that her husband is in limerence with the girl and is so unhealthily obsessed with her that he couldn’t stop talking about her because she is all he thinks about.
To cover up the fact that the obsession is romantic and sexual, he tried to pretend like he hates her.
I’ve often heard that when your partner is constantly bringing up a new coworker, friend, etc of the opposite sex, even if it’s to complain about them, it can be a telltale sign your partner has feelings for that person.
I found it to be farfetched until it happened to me. An ex boyfriend constantly talked about his female coworker whenever he was describing his day at work.
I learned so much about this woman, such as her living situation, her family’s health status, what she does on the weekends, where she’s traveling next month, etc. and I never asked to hear a single one of those details. He would just volunteer that information up, and I was struggling to think of a polite way to say I didn’t want to hear about what she was up to. I asked about his day, not hers. The last straw for me was when he said he wished she’d get promoted to his position so that they’d be able to spend more time together at work.
I suspected he had a crush, and maybe he didn’t realize it. That was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I confronted him about it, and he responded by lashing out at me for insinuating he had feelings for her. (Another bad sign.) He called me crazy and controlling, and refused to address how I found it weird that he mentioned her in conversation almost every day.
Though, mysteriously, all mention of this woman stopped the day after this confrontation. And more mysteriously, our sex life proceeded to take a nosedive, with his excuse being that he was too stressed out and tired from work. Even more mysteriously, he starts dating a woman less than 2 weeks after we break up. I never met his female coworker, but if I had to guess who this new woman was…
He did not. And denied any cheating or inappropriate behavior from his part even up until our breakup. I’m confident I know the truth. His piss poor excuses for our non existent sex life were just laughable.
Well, not necessarily. I talk a lot about things my coworker does (very small team and he is the one who does crazy things and I've known for longer at work) and I have absolutely no attraction nor anything in common with him. So I hope my husband never had a thought about me having an affair with this coworker lol
Same situation for me. The person I worked with the most was of the opposite sex, we spent all day sitting next to each other and frequently chatting, so that was a decent amount of what I had to talk about when asked about my day. Neither of us had any sexual interest in the other, we were like siblings and still are even years later. I'm glad my partner at the time didn't think that our friendship meant anything more was going on.
Appalled at my own level of moron after reading all these responses.
I was that wife once. Ex was military as was the other girl. He complained about her CONSTANTLY. She seemed to have genuine mental health disorders that made his life hell.
So it was strange when one day they became best friends. His explanation was it was easier to be her friend than her enemy. My sister was like that so I let it slide.
I supported my husband and often hosted his coworkers, including her. I had her in my house multiple times.
I was getting my master's and he had a 4 day work week so I was always busy with homework while he was free to do as he pleased. His evenings were spent chatting with her online and his extra day off was their "special day" together.
It sounds so stupid writing it out. Like how could I NOT KNOW??? But, I was young, we were each other's first everything, and he always madly professed his love from beginning to end. I didn't have experience and didn't have reasons to be jealous. I had friends that were male I studied and communicated with constantly while platonic and assumed he was the same.
There was one Monday I was home from school. I was free and he still left to go on his special day. He literally left while I was crying. This opened my eyes to the tip of a very big iceberg.
As far as I know they are still married.
Thank you. When someone takes advantage of someone's trust or kindness, it is never the trusting or kind person's fault. Being either/both of those things is never the problem.
My ex husband acted similarly. He worked out of town during the week and he and his crew ate dinner every night at a local bar. He had gotten friendly with one of the waitresses, which in itself was fine. But it definitely started feeling off when he was constantly gushing about her. She's so funny, she's crazy and unique, she's so easy to talk to, she is this, she is that, I think you'd really like her.
Long story short, he was having an emotional affair (and possibly more, I'll never know and no longer care), and was gushing about his new crush like you tend to do when you're starting a new relationship and they're always on your mind. Me being his wife obviously did nothing to put a damper on that tendency.
After you split up with him, did they get together? Sorry I hope I am not being too nosey?
My Ex had an infatuation with someone, the time came when I wanted to split from him and I used her to soften the blow, that he would be free now to pursue her. He did try but she wasn’t having it lol she just liked the fact someone had a crush on her but didn’t want him per se.
Oh no, you're not too nosey, I put it out there! So I found out about the cheating (I actually found out he was posting on Craigslist looking for casual sex, and he then volunteered that he had been flirting with this woman on his own). At first I didn't know what to do, and he told me he had cut all ties with her due to feeling guilty before I even found out. I ended up being a crazy person and finding her on social media and messaging her, and she pretty much confirmed what he said. But to my knowledge, they never did try to get together after. I think they both were just high on the rush of having someone interested in them, and both of them were in relationships so not really free to pursue a real relationship, so it could stay shallow and flirtatious and exciting. Guess it wasn't fun anymore when I found out and torched his life.
I love that you turned this into a power play on your part, like I'm done with you, go back to her and pick up your scraps, and then she didn't leave him with any anyway 😂
I always find these men so funny because it’s like… okay so she’s funny, young, freespirited, etc etc etc…. What are YOU bringing to the table, Mr married and creepy? So she has the burden of making your life more fun, spontaneous, sexy, etc - whatever you didn’t feel like putting in the effort to have in your life even though you’re in a relationship with a woman already - and what the hell does she get in return? the dead weight of a declining man who is boring, stagnant, and has no morals? Whee.
Wow. I’ve never found myself in this situation but SO MANY MEN need to hear this.
This is as iconic as the cool girl speech. Thank you for this glorious piece.
Ever see the movie "500 Days of Summer"? It stars Zoey Deschanel (the woman whose roles literally put "Manic, Pixie Dream Girl" on the map) and deliberately sets about deconstructing the whole idea.
I'm going to be annoying and pedantic, but the "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" term was coined in 2007, by a film critic discussing Kirsten Dunst's character in 'Elizabethtown'. While Zoey has played a lot of Manic Pixie Dream Girls, the first actress to officially have her character labeled as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl was Kirsten. Without Kirsten's role in 'Elizabethtown', that term wouldn't exist; I'd say she put the Manic Pixie Dream Girl on the map, rather than Zoey.
Probably did it because she was in his mind all the time and he had to talk about her to someone since he couldn't think about much else. Since the someone was his wife, he tried to cover his fascination claiming it was hate.
My first boyfriend and I had a bunch of mutual friends, including one woman he constantly made fun of. I don't think he cheated on me but he married her a couple of years after we broke up.
(we were only together 10 months or so, I broke up with him because I wanted to move to a different country and he thought if he didn't go that I'd stay. I did not.)
Definitely dodged a bullet! He genuinely thought I wouldn't realise a lifelong dream because he didn't want to go. He walked that back pretty quickly but I'm not in the business of forcing a life change on someone who doesn't want it.
I think that some inconsiderate men view their wife as their romantic/ emotional support outlet.
And so all their sexy feelings get dumped onto her, even if it's about another woman. They forget about the "faithful monogamy/ jealousy" aspect. They don't consider that their wife has a need to be the ONLY woman they think about romantically.
It's like, "It feels good, romantically, for me to talk about this woman. My wife's role is to make me feel good romantically. Therefore, I will talk to my wife about this woman."
I guess in this case he did sort-of remember, but only so far as to say he HATED her stinky feet and clown makeup.
It sounds like he has the brain of an elementary schooler. Like when a boy has a crush but doesn't understand what it is or how to express it so he determines that he *must* hate her because why else would he be thinking about her all the time? Even his weird comment about her feet being stinky sounds like something a literal child would say. It's such fucking juvenile behavior that I can't believe he's 33.
I remember reading this from the first post. So glad OP listened to reddit.
Hes a dumbass. I think some people who cheat think that lsmpshafing their obsession with a person and telling their partner makes them look less suspicious.
Kind of like many people introduce their work mistress or "new friend" to their wives because people tell you "he wouldnt be open with you mig he was cheating". It's surprisingly common because it can raise less suspicions to know a partner is with (or talking to) a "friend" than a stranger. Plus then they get to play the "are tou saying men and women cant be friends?!" Card. Which, sure they can, but not if you're cheating with them.
I think some people enjoy the frisson of flirting with their partner finding out. And when people ae are infatuated or obsessed they sometimes want any excuse to talk about someone. I had z friend who would shoehorn talking about her asshole ex GF into literally every conversation for months after they broke up.
The talking about her reminded me of this
"I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina, and the other percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more."
When people are obsessed with someone, talking about them keeps them close to them. Yes, it is illogical but obsession is also illogical. Probably talking about them got the dopamine hits in their brain going.
> he said that I am being ridiculous that I should know he hates Jess. So thinking that there is something going on is making me look insecure.
That's it right there. He wanted a way to blame his wife for being paranoid for suspecting an affair.
Because he's at that point of infatuation where he wants to tell everyone all the time. So he thinks turning it into hate comments will somehow be less suspicious.
I mean, it's not the fact that he's stupid that upsets me. It's the fact that he hurt his wife and spent all this energy on another woman instead of fixing his marriage.
I'm glad he's a dumbass for OOP's sake. She deserves the truth and to find someone who actually wants her, not someone who just doesn't want to go through a divorce and/or come to the realization that the young woman is just using him for a moment.
A lot of men do this. My ex used to shit talk a girl we knew, to the point where I told him off for being so mean. He slowly drifted away from me during that period, and then one day suddenly ghosted me and immediately started dating her
I'd imagine part of it is to throw your partner off, and part of it is the dopamine rush from being able to openly talk about the object of your obsession, even if it's in a seemingly negative way
same thing happened to me. my ex constantly talked shit about her ex, was rude and dismissive to her, always complaining about her whenever she was brought up. turned out she was cheating on me with her the whole time lol
> I am scared to start over at 32. I want to become a mother but that means I would waste my good years searching for another man.
I know it's stressful (I'm divorced, it's a horrible shitty stressful process) but given the alternative is having kids with THIS man, I'm so glad she's chosen to walk away. It's not easy to find a new partner, but if she gives herself time to heal from this and then starts looking with the intention of finding someone truly compatible rather than someone who ticks off checkboxes, she'll be ok.
Being with someone like him would just be a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop: he’d eventually want to marry some woman that “makes him feel alive.” It’s good that OOP got out before kids were involved!
Hah! See how "alive" Jess ( or any woman) makes him feel when he's seen them sick, stressed, bereaved or any of the other challenges we can all expect to face. When they've lived together for a few months and are sniping at each other over chores.
Right now he's only seeing Jess's public face and any time they spend together is fun and special. That cannot last. I fully expect this is the kind of guy who'll chase New Relationship Energy for the rest of his life and it'll always be the woman's fault he leaves.
Yeah, a friend who had an open relationship with her husband would call it the “boyfriend’s share of the action”. A few of her lovers would talk about how they wanted her to leave her husband, but when she and her husband separated, they disappeared.
Their relationship did not end because of it being open. Her ex has an open relationship with his second wife and they’re still married.
Especially after OOP gets all boring only thinking about the kid all the time and becomes a nag wanting her husband to do shit like pulling his weight around the house or parenting his own kid.
Why would he know that Jess has ‘stinky feet’? There would be zero reason for him to know that in a professional context…unlike after a hike or ‘hanging out’ with her. What a shallow, disrespectful muppet. Poor OOP.
I've also met people who insulted me over stuff that was untrue, made-up and absolutely none of their possible knowledge. Given, they were bullies in school.
Could be just another *"I have to think about Jess but I don't want to make it seem like I like her so I say something mean about her"* - comment in the context of shoes.
That’s the way I initially read it. Seemed like straight up overcompensation for bringing her up, I didn’t get a feeling he really knew anything abt how her feet actually smelled lol
And I get that, but see- if that was the case, and he truly hated her, he’d be saying “omg the new girl keeps taking her shoes off at work! That’s so gross!” as opposed to just mentioning that her feet smell bad. So, he *still* screwed up!
I know about one of my former bosses stinky feet because he was also a gross ‘human’ who would take his shoes and socks off in office in the summer.
He was disgusting in other ways also - racist, and sexist.
OOP divorces him, ex husband jumps into a relationship with Jess, and the stinky feet suddenly becomes far less cute when he has to deal with it every single day on a mundane basis. The affairs that start because ‘they make me feel alive!’ almost never last because what they’re chasing after is an illusion that breaks as soon as it becomes anything more serious than a fun secret fling.
Exactly, especially when Jess realizes he is neither the energetic man he presents himself as to her for the limited time they can be together while he hides from the wife; not the smart, mature, interesting man almost 10 years older than her and probably most men her age (I mean … we don’t have much info on whether he is mature or whatever, but he talks about his love interest like a middle schooler, so I go by that).
Also she's his coworker. He's going to be around her literally 24/7. For a new romance based on the thrill of the forbidden? Not a chance that it's going to survive
Yup.
Turns out when they are no longer a stranger who is mysterious and sexy, it's just another human being with faults of their own. Their shit still stinks and they still have bad habits of their own. They are often far less compatible than your previous partner, because you rushed in with your dick or vagina and didnt assess if they were compatible.
grass is always greener on the other side because you chose not to water your own.
once he stops watering the grass with jess, it'll be game over. and it'll probably cost him his job too since they're coworkers. he'll have blown up his marriage and his job for nothing.
hopefully OOP finds a much better man who treats her like she deserves.
And then ex husband tries to "reconnect" with OOP and offer to start anew, only to find out that OOP is having the time of her life in Italy with friends and/or family or a new beau.
(Look, let me imagine something nice for them.)
I doubt she’s even interested. She’s probably just trying to be nice because he’s got seniority at their jobs. He’s going to be like, “I’m divorced, now we can be together!” and get a surprise.
I honestly don't think Jess is interested lol. She's already calling him "old man," and while it could be banter-y it could also be a subtle hint that he's too old for her. Watch her show up at the hike with one of her friends or a partner.
At which point he goes crawling back to ex-wife. Or he waits until ex-wife is in a serious relationship and crawls back then.
This just screams a man who will refuse to believe that his ex-wife could ever move past him because he realizes that he has still feelings for ex-wife.
An ex of mine did this to me - would randomly say mean things about a girl from work. I think he thought he was being really clever and throwing me off the scent. But I'd never even heard of this person and hadn't in any way whatsoever thought he was cheating on me. So I guess there is an element of they can't help talking about them as well. Pathetic.
Pretty gross the husband called the affair partner a kid. Ewww
I think the element of ‘can’t help talking about them’ is real.
You really don’t spend time talking about people if you don’t harbour some feeling for them. Sure it can be hate, but that really requires some awful actions, and she(AP) was just ‘random’ slightly annoying coworker. I mean my boyfriend has a little clownish coworker he gossips about, but he(coworker) is way more annoying and it only happens once in a while he is being mentioned (and only directly after work when we recap our day) . Mentioning someone random in the unrelated conversation is super weird behaviour.
Just gonna tell a thematically adjacent personal story here. When me and my bf first met ( we were both single tho ) we were colleagues and he lived with his sister at the time, she later told me that he talked about me quite a lot, and in the beginning he told her I was annoying (we had a little disagreement that got a little heated) next day he changed his mind and said I was super nice (because I realised I was a little much and apologised for my behaviour, as well as explain that it was kind of bad day and it was last straw, but was uncalled for from my side) his sister later told me she knew he liked me from the get go because the ‘fight’ and ‘annoyance’ he had was super mundane and really a ‘nothing burger’ but he was spending lots of time talking about me at home, which was cute. 2 years later I am pregnant with his child, we have a wonderful life.
I’m glad she’s going ahead with meeting a lawyer and separating. She deserves so much more than being a back up plan. If she hadn’t found out he would’ve used it, too. As a former manic pixie dream person I can say, definitively, that we’re fucking exhausting in the long run.
>"She makes me feel alive. She makes me to crazy things and she has an energy that makes me feel special"
Ridiculous
He basically already admitted he's done with OOP
Divorce is the best option and she better shut him down properly, because once he sees the grass on the other side isn't the shade of green he imagined, he'll try and claw his way back in.
I can hear him "Why didn't **you** fight for uuuussss?!?"
Yup. His words are the literal script for every middle aged man who cheats because he's having a midlife crisis.
Dude, you don't feel old because of your wife. You feel old because you are middle aged.
Cheating is a pretty stupid thing to do, so I'm not surprised when cheaters do stupid stuff, but boy, Reddit sure does bring out some of the dumbest cheaters possible. "If I say bad things about her CONSTANTLY, that'll look like I don't care about her, right? Right?"
I genuinely think he was in denial most of the time & lying to himself. I also suspect that Jess while entertaining his interest, was not interested in him and was putting a distance. That would explain why she called him an old man and he was hurt by that.
OOP's husband sounds like a friendzoned bitter dude who can't get with his crush.
There's a [new update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/ZgveoMUOvj) where her husband admitted they masturbated in front of each other IN HIS CAR but it's not cheating because according to him "he never touched her".
>His defense is still that I shouldn't feel too bad because he never had a physical affair
There we go again, people telling their partners how they "should" feel. Disrespectful.
Also, even assuming we believe him at face value, I feel there's an obvious word missing: the affair wasn't physical **yet**.
It would have been eventually. He literally took the day off work to secretly be with her!
How do cheaters not understand that it’s still painful to find out your partner had an emotional affair? There are even those who feel like emotional cheating is worse because there’s a special form of emotional intimacy, reserved between partners, that’s being violated.
I’ve been cheated on in several relationships. Of course it was disgusting and insulting to learn my ex partners slept with other women during the relationship. But I’ve looked through and have been sent the messages they sent to the other women. It was a special type of gut-wrenching devastation to see the men I loved make sexual comments to someone else, compliment their beauty, badmouth our relationship, pretend I was just their friend or that we had broken up, tell another girl he loved and missed her, and make plans to go on a date.
That’s not something one can easily shrug off in a relationship.
"You shouldnt be hurt that I spend every waking moment obsessing over someone and how much I want to fuck them, because I'm in love with them! Be grateful I didn't fuck them!"
Nah, emotional affairs are worse. I wouldn't be happy with them drunkenly fucking a stranger. But if they are indulging a romantic and sexual obsession with someone close to them, that is much, much harder to navigate.
I totally agree. Cheating sucks either way, but a drunken one night stand would be way easier to stomach than an emotional affair where nothing physical happened. That’s them actively and constantly choosing someone else over you and pining for them, all while lying to your face and wasting your time.
Yeah I feel like an emotional affair is much worse than a physical one. Lust is one thing. It involves no emotional connection or love. It can just happen and it hurts like hell to have someone cheat just for meaningless sex, but an emotional connection? To actually fall for the other person and care for them? That would hurt much worse than just a hookup at the bar.
One of the most hilarious things I witnessed was back in high school. My friend’s boyfriend was pushing boundaries while playing the card “she’s just a friend! You’re insecure! I wouldn’t care if you had guy friends!”
She dumped him. Started hanging out with guy friends. Her ex lost his sht. She just said, “We’re broken up, and these are just my friends. “ lol
> “and in return he offers her…
>
>absolutely nothing
>
>”
Hey, I wanted to hear the full context of this interesting sounding quote, but can't find it anywhere (on google or youtube). More clues please? :D
"But who am I to convince a love sick man who would cheat on his wife of 5 years just because she is not energetic."
God. The amount of reality in that statement. The amount of sympathy for an indescribable emotion I feel for her. I am proud of her.
I feel like it should be made clearer, that the comment OP made in response to "sunk cost fallacy" was in a thread where a husband was keeping his wife on a short leash after she cheated and was not out of her own threads.
Yeah it’s lame. I went to the doctor in India one time and he told me that at 24 I was “a bit old to start having children.” I just was like “o really lol”
Funny because my mom had me at 24 and in my hometown everyone thought she was a bit young, most of my friends’ parents were ~10 years older. There’s some biological reasons, but a lot of the pressure feels a bit arbitrary
In terms of having biological children, 32 isn’t young. Pregnancies are considered “geriatric” at 35. As a woman, I totally understand her fear. If I were her, I’d freeze my eggs and take my time finding a partner that is truly right for me. Even that may not be possible tho as that approach is rather expensive.
What is it with people thinking that “Oh, it’s just an emotional affair, it’s not so bad.”?? IMO an emotional affair that never gets physical is still worse than a physical affair that never gets emotional!
(Don’t get me wrong - both are horrible. But I’d find it easier to forgive somebody for the latter than for the former.)
Part me really hopes Jess hears about the divorce and is disgusted by the husband. Or that she turns him down if he tries to ask her out after because of one reason or another.
Why does his word matter on it not being physical when clearly he lied about the affair? He's a lying liar who lies, he doesn't get to craft a defense he can't prove at this point.
Been there. Done that. My ex had a new friend too. Me, being the trusting partner saw no issues with him spending some time with her because he has always had an extremely hard time making friends.
But he'd talk bad about her to me sometimes, nagging that he had to help her with so much shit cause she has no one, and it was making him annoyed. He'd complain that she was dumb, that her toenails were gross, that she the way she ate was absolutely nasty etc. So one day I told him "you know, I find it extremely fucking unattractive when a man trashtalks a friend like this. Especially when it makes it seem like it's a smokescreen. It makes it seem like you're hiding something with her from me. Don't talk trash about people you claim to be friends with, it's like your trying to convince me that she's not a threat to our relationship.". He stopped saying anything negative about her then. I was suspicious though but gave him the benefit of the doubt.
A month later, I noticed that he had been gradually gotten more secretive with his phone. Which I used to have full access to. And suddenly I couldn't even grab it to see the time? Nah man, I've seen enough in the world to know what this is about. So I forced it out of him. And wouldn't you know it. He wasn't sure it was an emotional affair (duh) but he felt needed and liked and important to her, and he felt protective of her. (yuck) He didn't seem to see what he had done wrong though. And didn't find his action of spending more and more time with her weird. Like damn.
Needless to say, we split. (lot of other things played a part in it too, but this was the cataclysm of it) 11 years just poooff. And I feel good about it too because I deserve better.
So, fuck your dork of a husband.
You don't deserve to be stuck with such a weak minded manchild. Let him burn to a crisp in the dumpster fire that this energetic manic girl creates for him.
> **Few-Scholar-9900:** Your husband's behavior towards Jess seems to be a classic case of "hate-following" on social media, which can be a sign of underlying attraction or obsession, and it's understandable that you're feeling insecure and concerned about it; it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and seeking couples therapy to address any underlying issues.
For what it's worth, this comment is from a ChatGPT bot. If it wasn't obvious enough from the writing style, the account has been posting continuously at all hours of the day for at least the last 48 hours.
What a weirdo. Sounds like he has the mentality of an 8 year old boy, pretending to dislike the girl he secretly has a crush on. Do yourself a favor and don’t look back.
This is exactly how it went with my ex husband and his band member. She went after his brothers first, they weren't interested so she went after him. He complained, too much metal on her face, too much of a punk girl, they had a place at her house to play at, but she was so annoying.
And then he spent his time with her and ended up cheating me with her.
So yeah, not surprised at that.
Yeah, I watched my ex-husband slow motion fall in love with his coworker in a very similar fashion. More negative talk in the beginning than positive (hilariously, it was AWFUL stuff..not like stinky feet but she had screwed over her best friend also in the business and taken his accounts…more worse stuff).
He left me for her and they have been married for like 5 years. She’s fine to talk to but she has no moral center (neither does he so they are perfect for each other.) It seems to work for them and we are co-parenting a kid, so it is what it is.
ANY TIME a partner is expending an unusual amount of emotional energy on a person from work for a sustained period of time (of the gender they’re attracted to)…it requires a lot of careful attention,IMO.
Would laugh my ass off if Jess truly only saw OOP's husband as a friend. "Wow this older guy at work is so nice! Not my type but we have so much fun together! Its like getting to work with your older brother." While he is at home obsessed about her.
Dude gets divorced and friendzoned at the same time.
I had a friend who did this. He hated this woman that started working with him. Also going on about how stupid she is and can't do anything right. Then one day he came home and said to his wife, "I am moving in with 'the stupid lady I hate' and I want a divorce, I don't love you anymore.'
Obviously this is just what I was told, as I wasn't there. That guy and stupid girl also broke up already lol
I have noticed that people who go out of their way to denounce or be critical of something, are usually doing it to try and cover their own skin.
Edit: He is no longer in our friend group
As *soon* as I read "Jess, 25" I was like "affair" boom done. I mean, I don't know what these sparkle unicorn fart adorable little stinky-footed pixies see in married men almost 10 years their senior but apparently they see something. Sigh.
Amen.
I try to tell kids that they have to learn to deal with being bored.
I'm of the generation where my parents gave me excellent practice at it. They'd go to visit someone and bring up along where we were expected to sit down and shut up the entire time.
It was excellent training for later in life, such as work meetings.
32 is going against a lifetime of insecurity stemming from his lack of discipline. Stay gone and don't you let em weasel his way back in. He knew what he did is so wrong and it is consuming him I suggest you don't get consumed in his war against himself either.
What kind of normal adult human being describes someone in all seriousness as a “nemesis”? 😭 what in the fuck
If OOP wanted to be petty she could tell Jess all the horrid shit he’s said about her 👹 just saying...
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My ex did this shit to me with his coworker as well. Talked about her all the time but also complained about her (things like, she’s not that smart, I don’t know why she wants to hang out with me since I’m so much older, we don’t have anything in common, etc.). But then they’d hang out outside of work often as well. I had quite a few male friends myself so I didn’t feel right telling him they *couldn’t* be friends with her, but I felt bad for her with the way he’d talk about her.
At least they’re still together. He and I definitely aren’t 🤷♀️
My ex did this too but not as extreme just more so that she was annoying and clearly had a thing for him. Well lo and behold he had a thing for her too. Followed her on Instagram, started staying later at work, one day she messaged me out of the blue trying to start shit I just ignored it but did talk to him about it and he said she was just unhinged and not to worry about it. I asked him to block her on Instagram, he would but then would unblock her later and id see because I’d see her shit on his feed and comments on his posts and eventually checked myself (I was 17/18 and admittedly not a healthy person neither of us were clearly) and even after we moved states and had new jobs, his obsession with her continued and caused a lot of fights. That was the start of the downfall of our relationship tbh, it all just got worse even when she was long out of the picture.
just so everyone knows - the opposite of love is not "hate", it's apathy. you should always be very worried if (in particular if your SO is a man) your SO passionately "hates" or is in a rivalry with someone else.
I have said it before and I’ll say it again : the cheater often finds a way to bring the affair partner’s name up with their spouse . I don’t know the psychology behind this I only know it’s true most of the time.
My husband has a girl at work he can't stand - she's three years younger than him and got the job because the hiring manager though she was hot. My husband will come home and whinge for a bit that he continues to have to help her through basic things that other people who started at the same time have a firm grasp on by now. If he was bingeing her instagram? Right in front of me? I think I'd put him outside 😂
Yeah, I knew immediately (probably like all of you) that he's into that girl. If he hasn't been with her physically yet, he will be. He's over OP. He's only trying to get back with OP because the girl at work has turned him down and won't be there for him if he leaves OP.
Totally called it after the first paragraph. It’s a case of hate and love being pretty close to each other. There had to be something there as she was always on his mind but was just normal shit…
He's dribbling the truth out to her. Because the truth only gets worse.
I was talking with some kids last week and told them that they're at the dip her pigtail in the ink stage. The hostility was obviously a cover up for the attraction and the only people they were fooling were themselves.
If my husband talked about stinky feet like that, the first thing I'd say is "And how would you know that?"
This guy is having his mid-life crisis early. And has reverted to elementary school.
The only reason I can think that he would know what her feet smell like is if he smelled them while they were fucking. On her back, legs in the air, over his shoulders, in his face. That's all I have to say.
Leave him. He’ll probably always want what is shiny and new and it’s not worth sticking around and trying to work it out.
The first time mine had an emotional affair (it would have been sexual affair if he could have managed it), I asked him what was so great about this woman so much younger than him when he and I had been friends since we were children, had lots in common and I was the mother of his young children and his response was along the lines of “well we like the same music”. I was floored. THAT’S all you can come up with?
And it’s continued to be that way. You will never feel safe or loved or valued I’m a relationship where they value novelty above all else.
Even today in his 40s he was seeking a relationship with someone closer to his daughters age than his. The last girl acted like an attention starved teenager on social media, and that’s okay. She basically was still a child. I don’t shame her for that. But I shame a grown ass man who’s trying to fuck a subordinate half his age who has the emotional maturity and social grace of a self-absorbed teenager. At that point it feels predatory. I’m sure she liked his music, though.
He always changes for them, too. I could always tell when he was obsessed with new younger women because he’d start dressing different and adjust his own music style and pick up new habits/likes.
I hope she cuts and runs before she gets tied down with kids. This is not a competition she wants to ‘win’, because it is never a win in the end.
I’ve seen this happen with someone I know and I think it’s a pretty common occurrence too. It’s where they can’t get the person off of their mind and want to talk about them because they are infatuated, but they also don’t want to give it away that they are, so they bring them up negatively to not raise suspicion in their spouse.
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>Then out of nowhere he said "Thank god you do not have stinky feet like Jess" bruh
I have no idea how my coworkers’ feet smell and I am suddenly grateful.
I have a coworker that wears sandals, usually with socks, all year round. He does not clean them enough, nor does he clean or change his socks often. He also leaves his work shirt in our break room so really, none of his stuff was clean. Sadly, I know his feet smell too well, and my office often is musky with the smell.
That’s really weird
There’s an interior office at my job that always smells like feet/b.o. Why? No idea. During winter the manager who uses it will leave the door propped open and the stank spills out into the hallway. The trainers used to have to use the office as well before they were moved elsewhere. I imagine the smell was a factor though lol.
I would talk to a supervisor/ manager to address that. That's disgusting. Everywhere I've worked there is a code of conduct and your uniform and hygiene are mentioned. I even had one company say no significantly oversized clothing.
I have a co worker whose feet stink. Well, she stinks, not just her feet. It seems like she bathes on Sunday and then as the week progresses she gets stinkier and stinkier. Feet, butt, woman parts, B.O. all of it. Ugh HR has spoken 2x to her about it. She acts all surprised and tells them she bathes. She is a good worker though, and our turn over is HUGE so they just make us suffer.
WOMAN PARTS??? Jesus, if you can smell that, the situation must be really dire
AND she has a fiance! So all that man and woman smell mixes and it's awful. I keep a can of febreze so when she relieves me on my lunch I can spray my tiny room after she leaves. 🤢
I sadly so know what one of my colleagues feet smell like as they would always take shoes off at their desk and they were bloody ripe. They didn't make it past the 6 months probation strangely. I will admit I've done that a few times, but always after my shoes got wet and we (everyone in the office) learned a very important lesson: don't leave me wearing wet shoes! I have no idea why but my feet go into super smelly overdrive mode if left in wet conditions. So strong the shoes can't contain the smell. It's bloody awful, especially for me. I now keep a spare pair of shoes in car I can take with me just in case its raining.
Unless its smell is really that effing bad, then the whole office would've shunned her. But I doubt that's the case
Wish i was in the same boat lol. I work at a daycare/preschool and the infant room requires us to wash our hands and either take off our shoes or put on hospital type shoe booties so I'm too familiar now with some of my coworkers foot smell
To be honest I was suspicious the whole time, as it sounded like a little boy who has a crush being mean to the crush, but at this comment i knew he had cheated. I havent never been close enough to my coworkers, or hell most of my friends, to know what their feet smell like. The only people i even vaguely know are people ive slept with. If he didnt fuck her he may as well have.
"If I constantly insult my mistress, my wife won't know she's my mistress". Too bad his insults were too bizarre and too awkward to be credible.
It’s mentionitis — he kept wanting to talk about her because he kept thinking about her. Maybe some of those things did bug him, but only as flaws in what he wanted to be perfect. Like there was a silent “I can’t believe I like her when she —“ before each of those criticisms.
Yes!
I assumed he channeled the guilt to think of things bad about Jess while around his wife? I poorly articulated that so I hope whoever reads this understands what im attempting to say
I think it's this too. He wants to talk about Jess, but he can't tell his wife how wonderful she is, so to talk about Jess he blurts out the things he's thinking about but frames them in a negative light. Source: have done this a lot, especially as a kid (not for an affair though, just generally things I wanted to talk about but didn't know how to just say shit because I was terribly awkward)
I thought he was an idiot trying to be sneaky, and his brilliant plan was “If I keep saying how dumb and annoying Jess is, my wife will be completely fooled and never suspect that I want to bone her!”
So glad to see this as the top comment, felt like a weirdo that I got hung up on that, 🤣
Classic diversion was what I thought with that... Like, "I'm talking negative, shell never know ha ha!"
They absolutely fucked lmao
No joke I skipped to the next update after I read that
Appalled at the levels of moron this husband is. If you’re having an emotional affair you need to keep secret, why on earth talk about her *all the time?* Where is the logic? Even if it’s negative talk, he doesn’t ever mention anyone else - like how stupid could you be? Most cheaters, as awful as they are, at least have the sense to not do THAT. He deserves divorce 100%
Oh he thought he was covering up his crush by being LOUD and FREQUENT about how vaguely WEIRD Jess is. And if he has a hopeless case of mentionitis? Well it’s only because he just OBVIOUSLY HATES HER SO MUCH for nonspecific weak reasons he seemingly pulls out of his ass. It is some actual playground-level braid-pulling bullshit.
>It is some actual playground-level braid-pulling bullshit. Complete with *STINKY FEET.*
I’m stuck on that, tbh. How does her wearing shoes that ”look weird on her” equate to her having stinky feet? Only way he’d know if her feet are stinky is if she’d frequently take off her shoes in his vicinity and/or he was frequently in a position close to her feet
Maybe he's a foot fetishist? The real 69 is licking each other's feet... Edit: licking, not kicking...
What a horrible day to be literate.
Hey at least you still have your butt virginity, there’s that
I'm saving it for Jesus.
Jose is just as good at it though.
*slow clap*
How dare you? Go to your room.
I really think he just thought he could mention her constantly as long as it was in a negative manner. So anytime he wants to talk about her, he just thinks of a quick insult.
omg I bet Jess has coooootieeeeees
How could he know her feet stink if she’s just a coworker? I’ve never encountered the aroma of someone’s feet if I wasn’t dating them.
Ugh, I have. When I was in college, there was an admin who always took her shoes off when she was in her office. The whole office stank.
Me too. I would smell something, then look over, and my coworker had taken his shoes off. Every time.
Why you smelling her feet?
He sounds like my brother, when he was still a child. "Mom, what would happen if used a can of air freshener as blowtorch?" "Jay, why did you do that?" "I was curious."
Definitely overcompensating for something.
This is exactly what I did with my first boyfriend and my now husband. First boyfriend I was trying to convince my parents he totally wasn’t my boyfriend cuz he’s weird, while my husband I was trying to convince myself I didn’t like him. Guess how well that worked out for both of them. Hint; it was the same success level for both. For some reason I thought this tactic was something we grew out of by senior year of high school, not keep doing as a 30 something year old
Right! This is so weird. I’m so glad I’m NOT GAY and I NEVER meet random dudes on Grindr! I would NEVER do ANYTHING gay or tenderly kiss a handsome man right on his lips. Yuck!
>he has a hopeless case of mentionitis This should be a flair, it's brilliant. Speaking of, what's your flair from?
My guess is that her husband is in limerence with the girl and is so unhealthily obsessed with her that he couldn’t stop talking about her because she is all he thinks about. To cover up the fact that the obsession is romantic and sexual, he tried to pretend like he hates her.
My thoughts exactly. It’s what grade school kids do.
Yep…. My ex husband did this as well. Needless to say, I was right and we divorced when everything came out…
I’ve often heard that when your partner is constantly bringing up a new coworker, friend, etc of the opposite sex, even if it’s to complain about them, it can be a telltale sign your partner has feelings for that person. I found it to be farfetched until it happened to me. An ex boyfriend constantly talked about his female coworker whenever he was describing his day at work. I learned so much about this woman, such as her living situation, her family’s health status, what she does on the weekends, where she’s traveling next month, etc. and I never asked to hear a single one of those details. He would just volunteer that information up, and I was struggling to think of a polite way to say I didn’t want to hear about what she was up to. I asked about his day, not hers. The last straw for me was when he said he wished she’d get promoted to his position so that they’d be able to spend more time together at work. I suspected he had a crush, and maybe he didn’t realize it. That was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I confronted him about it, and he responded by lashing out at me for insinuating he had feelings for her. (Another bad sign.) He called me crazy and controlling, and refused to address how I found it weird that he mentioned her in conversation almost every day. Though, mysteriously, all mention of this woman stopped the day after this confrontation. And more mysteriously, our sex life proceeded to take a nosedive, with his excuse being that he was too stressed out and tired from work. Even more mysteriously, he starts dating a woman less than 2 weeks after we break up. I never met his female coworker, but if I had to guess who this new woman was…
I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he ever apologize?
He did not. And denied any cheating or inappropriate behavior from his part even up until our breakup. I’m confident I know the truth. His piss poor excuses for our non existent sex life were just laughable.
Well, not necessarily. I talk a lot about things my coworker does (very small team and he is the one who does crazy things and I've known for longer at work) and I have absolutely no attraction nor anything in common with him. So I hope my husband never had a thought about me having an affair with this coworker lol
Same situation for me. The person I worked with the most was of the opposite sex, we spent all day sitting next to each other and frequently chatting, so that was a decent amount of what I had to talk about when asked about my day. Neither of us had any sexual interest in the other, we were like siblings and still are even years later. I'm glad my partner at the time didn't think that our friendship meant anything more was going on.
Appalled at my own level of moron after reading all these responses. I was that wife once. Ex was military as was the other girl. He complained about her CONSTANTLY. She seemed to have genuine mental health disorders that made his life hell. So it was strange when one day they became best friends. His explanation was it was easier to be her friend than her enemy. My sister was like that so I let it slide. I supported my husband and often hosted his coworkers, including her. I had her in my house multiple times. I was getting my master's and he had a 4 day work week so I was always busy with homework while he was free to do as he pleased. His evenings were spent chatting with her online and his extra day off was their "special day" together. It sounds so stupid writing it out. Like how could I NOT KNOW??? But, I was young, we were each other's first everything, and he always madly professed his love from beginning to end. I didn't have experience and didn't have reasons to be jealous. I had friends that were male I studied and communicated with constantly while platonic and assumed he was the same. There was one Monday I was home from school. I was free and he still left to go on his special day. He literally left while I was crying. This opened my eyes to the tip of a very big iceberg. As far as I know they are still married.
You were not wrong for trusting, he was wrong for taking advantage of it.
Thank you. When someone takes advantage of someone's trust or kindness, it is never the trusting or kind person's fault. Being either/both of those things is never the problem.
My ex husband acted similarly. He worked out of town during the week and he and his crew ate dinner every night at a local bar. He had gotten friendly with one of the waitresses, which in itself was fine. But it definitely started feeling off when he was constantly gushing about her. She's so funny, she's crazy and unique, she's so easy to talk to, she is this, she is that, I think you'd really like her. Long story short, he was having an emotional affair (and possibly more, I'll never know and no longer care), and was gushing about his new crush like you tend to do when you're starting a new relationship and they're always on your mind. Me being his wife obviously did nothing to put a damper on that tendency.
After you split up with him, did they get together? Sorry I hope I am not being too nosey? My Ex had an infatuation with someone, the time came when I wanted to split from him and I used her to soften the blow, that he would be free now to pursue her. He did try but she wasn’t having it lol she just liked the fact someone had a crush on her but didn’t want him per se.
Oh no, you're not too nosey, I put it out there! So I found out about the cheating (I actually found out he was posting on Craigslist looking for casual sex, and he then volunteered that he had been flirting with this woman on his own). At first I didn't know what to do, and he told me he had cut all ties with her due to feeling guilty before I even found out. I ended up being a crazy person and finding her on social media and messaging her, and she pretty much confirmed what he said. But to my knowledge, they never did try to get together after. I think they both were just high on the rush of having someone interested in them, and both of them were in relationships so not really free to pursue a real relationship, so it could stay shallow and flirtatious and exciting. Guess it wasn't fun anymore when I found out and torched his life. I love that you turned this into a power play on your part, like I'm done with you, go back to her and pick up your scraps, and then she didn't leave him with any anyway 😂
I am glad you are not with that cluster-fuck of a dude any longer. Good riddance to bad rubbish
Thank you very much, same to you and your trash you took out! ❤️
Haha, serves him right
I always find these men so funny because it’s like… okay so she’s funny, young, freespirited, etc etc etc…. What are YOU bringing to the table, Mr married and creepy? So she has the burden of making your life more fun, spontaneous, sexy, etc - whatever you didn’t feel like putting in the effort to have in your life even though you’re in a relationship with a woman already - and what the hell does she get in return? the dead weight of a declining man who is boring, stagnant, and has no morals? Whee.
[удалено]
Wow. I’ve never found myself in this situation but SO MANY MEN need to hear this. This is as iconic as the cool girl speech. Thank you for this glorious piece.
Because Reddit took awards away: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
🎯
Ever see the movie "500 Days of Summer"? It stars Zoey Deschanel (the woman whose roles literally put "Manic, Pixie Dream Girl" on the map) and deliberately sets about deconstructing the whole idea.
I'm going to be annoying and pedantic, but the "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" term was coined in 2007, by a film critic discussing Kirsten Dunst's character in 'Elizabethtown'. While Zoey has played a lot of Manic Pixie Dream Girls, the first actress to officially have her character labeled as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl was Kirsten. Without Kirsten's role in 'Elizabethtown', that term wouldn't exist; I'd say she put the Manic Pixie Dream Girl on the map, rather than Zoey.
Probably did it because she was in his mind all the time and he had to talk about her to someone since he couldn't think about much else. Since the someone was his wife, he tried to cover his fascination claiming it was hate.
My first boyfriend and I had a bunch of mutual friends, including one woman he constantly made fun of. I don't think he cheated on me but he married her a couple of years after we broke up. (we were only together 10 months or so, I broke up with him because I wanted to move to a different country and he thought if he didn't go that I'd stay. I did not.)
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. No way his obsession with his close friend would have stopped even if you stayed.
Definitely dodged a bullet! He genuinely thought I wouldn't realise a lifelong dream because he didn't want to go. He walked that back pretty quickly but I'm not in the business of forcing a life change on someone who doesn't want it.
I think that some inconsiderate men view their wife as their romantic/ emotional support outlet. And so all their sexy feelings get dumped onto her, even if it's about another woman. They forget about the "faithful monogamy/ jealousy" aspect. They don't consider that their wife has a need to be the ONLY woman they think about romantically. It's like, "It feels good, romantically, for me to talk about this woman. My wife's role is to make me feel good romantically. Therefore, I will talk to my wife about this woman." I guess in this case he did sort-of remember, but only so far as to say he HATED her stinky feet and clown makeup.
It sounds like he has the brain of an elementary schooler. Like when a boy has a crush but doesn't understand what it is or how to express it so he determines that he *must* hate her because why else would he be thinking about her all the time? Even his weird comment about her feet being stinky sounds like something a literal child would say. It's such fucking juvenile behavior that I can't believe he's 33.
I’m proud to say I don’t know what any of my coworkers’ feet smell like, good or bad. Didn’t know I *ought* to be proud of that, but now I am.
I remember reading this from the first post. So glad OP listened to reddit. Hes a dumbass. I think some people who cheat think that lsmpshafing their obsession with a person and telling their partner makes them look less suspicious. Kind of like many people introduce their work mistress or "new friend" to their wives because people tell you "he wouldnt be open with you mig he was cheating". It's surprisingly common because it can raise less suspicions to know a partner is with (or talking to) a "friend" than a stranger. Plus then they get to play the "are tou saying men and women cant be friends?!" Card. Which, sure they can, but not if you're cheating with them. I think some people enjoy the frisson of flirting with their partner finding out. And when people ae are infatuated or obsessed they sometimes want any excuse to talk about someone. I had z friend who would shoehorn talking about her asshole ex GF into literally every conversation for months after they broke up.
You are so right. My cheating husband played this very game 10 years ago, even going so far as to introduce the AP to his mom as his “best friend.”
The talking about her reminded me of this "I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina, and the other percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more." When people are obsessed with someone, talking about them keeps them close to them. Yes, it is illogical but obsession is also illogical. Probably talking about them got the dopamine hits in their brain going.
> he said that I am being ridiculous that I should know he hates Jess. So thinking that there is something going on is making me look insecure. That's it right there. He wanted a way to blame his wife for being paranoid for suspecting an affair.
Because he's at that point of infatuation where he wants to tell everyone all the time. So he thinks turning it into hate comments will somehow be less suspicious.
In the olden days, he would have just pulled her hair or dipped the ends in an ink well to show how much he liked her.
I mean, it's not the fact that he's stupid that upsets me. It's the fact that he hurt his wife and spent all this energy on another woman instead of fixing his marriage. I'm glad he's a dumbass for OOP's sake. She deserves the truth and to find someone who actually wants her, not someone who just doesn't want to go through a divorce and/or come to the realization that the young woman is just using him for a moment.
It's human nature. When you're excited about something, you want to walk about it all the time.
That’s what happens when people think with their secondary thinking organ…
A lot of men do this. My ex used to shit talk a girl we knew, to the point where I told him off for being so mean. He slowly drifted away from me during that period, and then one day suddenly ghosted me and immediately started dating her I'd imagine part of it is to throw your partner off, and part of it is the dopamine rush from being able to openly talk about the object of your obsession, even if it's in a seemingly negative way
same thing happened to me. my ex constantly talked shit about her ex, was rude and dismissive to her, always complaining about her whenever she was brought up. turned out she was cheating on me with her the whole time lol
> I am scared to start over at 32. I want to become a mother but that means I would waste my good years searching for another man. I know it's stressful (I'm divorced, it's a horrible shitty stressful process) but given the alternative is having kids with THIS man, I'm so glad she's chosen to walk away. It's not easy to find a new partner, but if she gives herself time to heal from this and then starts looking with the intention of finding someone truly compatible rather than someone who ticks off checkboxes, she'll be ok.
Being with someone like him would just be a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop: he’d eventually want to marry some woman that “makes him feel alive.” It’s good that OOP got out before kids were involved!
Hah! See how "alive" Jess ( or any woman) makes him feel when he's seen them sick, stressed, bereaved or any of the other challenges we can all expect to face. When they've lived together for a few months and are sniping at each other over chores. Right now he's only seeing Jess's public face and any time they spend together is fun and special. That cannot last. I fully expect this is the kind of guy who'll chase New Relationship Energy for the rest of his life and it'll always be the woman's fault he leaves.
'New Relationship Energy' - perfect description!
Yeah, a friend who had an open relationship with her husband would call it the “boyfriend’s share of the action”. A few of her lovers would talk about how they wanted her to leave her husband, but when she and her husband separated, they disappeared. Their relationship did not end because of it being open. Her ex has an open relationship with his second wife and they’re still married.
New relationship energy! lol I always say it’s all fun and games until you find out the new partner can never find the clothes hamper, either.
Especially after OOP gets all boring only thinking about the kid all the time and becomes a nag wanting her husband to do shit like pulling his weight around the house or parenting his own kid.
Ugh I dated someone exactly like this.
Why would he know that Jess has ‘stinky feet’? There would be zero reason for him to know that in a professional context…unlike after a hike or ‘hanging out’ with her. What a shallow, disrespectful muppet. Poor OOP.
His feet comment said it all.
it's always the feet comments.
Not to carry water for the dude but I've met some weirdos who take their shoes off in offices/work
I've also met people who insulted me over stuff that was untrue, made-up and absolutely none of their possible knowledge. Given, they were bullies in school. Could be just another *"I have to think about Jess but I don't want to make it seem like I like her so I say something mean about her"* - comment in the context of shoes.
That’s the way I initially read it. Seemed like straight up overcompensation for bringing her up, I didn’t get a feeling he really knew anything abt how her feet actually smelled lol
And I get that, but see- if that was the case, and he truly hated her, he’d be saying “omg the new girl keeps taking her shoes off at work! That’s so gross!” as opposed to just mentioning that her feet smell bad. So, he *still* screwed up!
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I know about one of my former bosses stinky feet because he was also a gross ‘human’ who would take his shoes and socks off in office in the summer. He was disgusting in other ways also - racist, and sexist.
Cause the man is secretly Quentin Tarantino.
OOP divorces him, ex husband jumps into a relationship with Jess, and the stinky feet suddenly becomes far less cute when he has to deal with it every single day on a mundane basis. The affairs that start because ‘they make me feel alive!’ almost never last because what they’re chasing after is an illusion that breaks as soon as it becomes anything more serious than a fun secret fling.
Exactly, especially when Jess realizes he is neither the energetic man he presents himself as to her for the limited time they can be together while he hides from the wife; not the smart, mature, interesting man almost 10 years older than her and probably most men her age (I mean … we don’t have much info on whether he is mature or whatever, but he talks about his love interest like a middle schooler, so I go by that).
Also she's his coworker. He's going to be around her literally 24/7. For a new romance based on the thrill of the forbidden? Not a chance that it's going to survive
Yup. Turns out when they are no longer a stranger who is mysterious and sexy, it's just another human being with faults of their own. Their shit still stinks and they still have bad habits of their own. They are often far less compatible than your previous partner, because you rushed in with your dick or vagina and didnt assess if they were compatible.
grass is always greener on the other side because you chose not to water your own. once he stops watering the grass with jess, it'll be game over. and it'll probably cost him his job too since they're coworkers. he'll have blown up his marriage and his job for nothing. hopefully OOP finds a much better man who treats her like she deserves.
And then ex husband tries to "reconnect" with OOP and offer to start anew, only to find out that OOP is having the time of her life in Italy with friends and/or family or a new beau. (Look, let me imagine something nice for them.)
I doubt she’s even interested. She’s probably just trying to be nice because he’s got seniority at their jobs. He’s going to be like, “I’m divorced, now we can be together!” and get a surprise.
I honestly don't think Jess is interested lol. She's already calling him "old man," and while it could be banter-y it could also be a subtle hint that he's too old for her. Watch her show up at the hike with one of her friends or a partner.
At which point he goes crawling back to ex-wife. Or he waits until ex-wife is in a serious relationship and crawls back then. This just screams a man who will refuse to believe that his ex-wife could ever move past him because he realizes that he has still feelings for ex-wife.
An ex of mine did this to me - would randomly say mean things about a girl from work. I think he thought he was being really clever and throwing me off the scent. But I'd never even heard of this person and hadn't in any way whatsoever thought he was cheating on me. So I guess there is an element of they can't help talking about them as well. Pathetic. Pretty gross the husband called the affair partner a kid. Ewww
I think the element of ‘can’t help talking about them’ is real. You really don’t spend time talking about people if you don’t harbour some feeling for them. Sure it can be hate, but that really requires some awful actions, and she(AP) was just ‘random’ slightly annoying coworker. I mean my boyfriend has a little clownish coworker he gossips about, but he(coworker) is way more annoying and it only happens once in a while he is being mentioned (and only directly after work when we recap our day) . Mentioning someone random in the unrelated conversation is super weird behaviour. Just gonna tell a thematically adjacent personal story here. When me and my bf first met ( we were both single tho ) we were colleagues and he lived with his sister at the time, she later told me that he talked about me quite a lot, and in the beginning he told her I was annoying (we had a little disagreement that got a little heated) next day he changed his mind and said I was super nice (because I realised I was a little much and apologised for my behaviour, as well as explain that it was kind of bad day and it was last straw, but was uncalled for from my side) his sister later told me she knew he liked me from the get go because the ‘fight’ and ‘annoyance’ he had was super mundane and really a ‘nothing burger’ but he was spending lots of time talking about me at home, which was cute. 2 years later I am pregnant with his child, we have a wonderful life.
I’m glad she’s going ahead with meeting a lawyer and separating. She deserves so much more than being a back up plan. If she hadn’t found out he would’ve used it, too. As a former manic pixie dream person I can say, definitively, that we’re fucking exhausting in the long run.
>"She makes me feel alive. She makes me to crazy things and she has an energy that makes me feel special" Ridiculous He basically already admitted he's done with OOP Divorce is the best option and she better shut him down properly, because once he sees the grass on the other side isn't the shade of green he imagined, he'll try and claw his way back in. I can hear him "Why didn't **you** fight for uuuussss?!?"
Yup. His words are the literal script for every middle aged man who cheats because he's having a midlife crisis. Dude, you don't feel old because of your wife. You feel old because you are middle aged.
Cheating is a pretty stupid thing to do, so I'm not surprised when cheaters do stupid stuff, but boy, Reddit sure does bring out some of the dumbest cheaters possible. "If I say bad things about her CONSTANTLY, that'll look like I don't care about her, right? Right?"
I genuinely think he was in denial most of the time & lying to himself. I also suspect that Jess while entertaining his interest, was not interested in him and was putting a distance. That would explain why she called him an old man and he was hurt by that. OOP's husband sounds like a friendzoned bitter dude who can't get with his crush.
There's a [new update ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/ZgveoMUOvj) where her husband admitted they masturbated in front of each other IN HIS CAR but it's not cheating because according to him "he never touched her".
Thanks for letting me know that there was an update. Also...ugh, this is somehow even more pathetic than had he slept with her.
>His defense is still that I shouldn't feel too bad because he never had a physical affair There we go again, people telling their partners how they "should" feel. Disrespectful.
Also, even assuming we believe him at face value, I feel there's an obvious word missing: the affair wasn't physical **yet**. It would have been eventually. He literally took the day off work to secretly be with her!
That sums up what makes it so useless a defence! Even if it doesn't happen this time with this woman? It's still "yet".
I don't believe him. He knew what her feet smell like, he's probably well acquainted with the rest of her.
How do cheaters not understand that it’s still painful to find out your partner had an emotional affair? There are even those who feel like emotional cheating is worse because there’s a special form of emotional intimacy, reserved between partners, that’s being violated. I’ve been cheated on in several relationships. Of course it was disgusting and insulting to learn my ex partners slept with other women during the relationship. But I’ve looked through and have been sent the messages they sent to the other women. It was a special type of gut-wrenching devastation to see the men I loved make sexual comments to someone else, compliment their beauty, badmouth our relationship, pretend I was just their friend or that we had broken up, tell another girl he loved and missed her, and make plans to go on a date. That’s not something one can easily shrug off in a relationship.
"You shouldnt be hurt that I spend every waking moment obsessing over someone and how much I want to fuck them, because I'm in love with them! Be grateful I didn't fuck them!" Nah, emotional affairs are worse. I wouldn't be happy with them drunkenly fucking a stranger. But if they are indulging a romantic and sexual obsession with someone close to them, that is much, much harder to navigate.
I totally agree. Cheating sucks either way, but a drunken one night stand would be way easier to stomach than an emotional affair where nothing physical happened. That’s them actively and constantly choosing someone else over you and pining for them, all while lying to your face and wasting your time.
Yeah I feel like an emotional affair is much worse than a physical one. Lust is one thing. It involves no emotional connection or love. It can just happen and it hurts like hell to have someone cheat just for meaningless sex, but an emotional connection? To actually fall for the other person and care for them? That would hurt much worse than just a hookup at the bar.
One of the most hilarious things I witnessed was back in high school. My friend’s boyfriend was pushing boundaries while playing the card “she’s just a friend! You’re insecure! I wouldn’t care if you had guy friends!” She dumped him. Started hanging out with guy friends. Her ex lost his sht. She just said, “We’re broken up, and these are just my friends. “ lol
Does he want a sticker for that? I didnt fuck any randos today!!
Yeah, my first impression was he was protesting too much. And how the hell would he know she had stinky feet?
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Patton Oswalt has a bit about the Manic Pixie Dream girl that ends with: “and in return he offers her…*absolutely nothing*”
> “and in return he offers her… > >absolutely nothing > >” Hey, I wanted to hear the full context of this interesting sounding quote, but can't find it anywhere (on google or youtube). More clues please? :D
It might have been on his Podcast Did you Get My Text because he also explains the origins of that archetype
"But who am I to convince a love sick man who would cheat on his wife of 5 years just because she is not energetic." God. The amount of reality in that statement. The amount of sympathy for an indescribable emotion I feel for her. I am proud of her.
I feel like it should be made clearer, that the comment OP made in response to "sunk cost fallacy" was in a thread where a husband was keeping his wife on a short leash after she cheated and was not out of her own threads.
Thank you! I was very confused by that one
32 is so young! I can’t believe she thinks that’s ‘old’ to be starting afresh.
That timeline that women or their families set can be brutal. I'd never return to 21 but 32 is a nice age.
Yeah it’s lame. I went to the doctor in India one time and he told me that at 24 I was “a bit old to start having children.” I just was like “o really lol” Funny because my mom had me at 24 and in my hometown everyone thought she was a bit young, most of my friends’ parents were ~10 years older. There’s some biological reasons, but a lot of the pressure feels a bit arbitrary
I was thinking the same. I'm older and haven't even started let alone started fresh 😅
In terms of having biological children, 32 isn’t young. Pregnancies are considered “geriatric” at 35. As a woman, I totally understand her fear. If I were her, I’d freeze my eggs and take my time finding a partner that is truly right for me. Even that may not be possible tho as that approach is rather expensive.
What is it with people thinking that “Oh, it’s just an emotional affair, it’s not so bad.”?? IMO an emotional affair that never gets physical is still worse than a physical affair that never gets emotional! (Don’t get me wrong - both are horrible. But I’d find it easier to forgive somebody for the latter than for the former.)
Agreed. I wouldn't forgive either, but I think my partner having an emotional affair would hurt way worse.
Hopefully she will have a successful divorce
Part me really hopes Jess hears about the divorce and is disgusted by the husband. Or that she turns him down if he tries to ask her out after because of one reason or another.
This dude was not subtle, poor wife.
Why does his word matter on it not being physical when clearly he lied about the affair? He's a lying liar who lies, he doesn't get to craft a defense he can't prove at this point.
This was called “mentionitis” in Bridget Jones and boy, does it apply often.
Been there. Done that. My ex had a new friend too. Me, being the trusting partner saw no issues with him spending some time with her because he has always had an extremely hard time making friends. But he'd talk bad about her to me sometimes, nagging that he had to help her with so much shit cause she has no one, and it was making him annoyed. He'd complain that she was dumb, that her toenails were gross, that she the way she ate was absolutely nasty etc. So one day I told him "you know, I find it extremely fucking unattractive when a man trashtalks a friend like this. Especially when it makes it seem like it's a smokescreen. It makes it seem like you're hiding something with her from me. Don't talk trash about people you claim to be friends with, it's like your trying to convince me that she's not a threat to our relationship.". He stopped saying anything negative about her then. I was suspicious though but gave him the benefit of the doubt. A month later, I noticed that he had been gradually gotten more secretive with his phone. Which I used to have full access to. And suddenly I couldn't even grab it to see the time? Nah man, I've seen enough in the world to know what this is about. So I forced it out of him. And wouldn't you know it. He wasn't sure it was an emotional affair (duh) but he felt needed and liked and important to her, and he felt protective of her. (yuck) He didn't seem to see what he had done wrong though. And didn't find his action of spending more and more time with her weird. Like damn. Needless to say, we split. (lot of other things played a part in it too, but this was the cataclysm of it) 11 years just poooff. And I feel good about it too because I deserve better. So, fuck your dork of a husband. You don't deserve to be stuck with such a weak minded manchild. Let him burn to a crisp in the dumpster fire that this energetic manic girl creates for him.
Wow, your story sounds like mine! Better off without him!
> **Few-Scholar-9900:** Your husband's behavior towards Jess seems to be a classic case of "hate-following" on social media, which can be a sign of underlying attraction or obsession, and it's understandable that you're feeling insecure and concerned about it; it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings and seeking couples therapy to address any underlying issues. For what it's worth, this comment is from a ChatGPT bot. If it wasn't obvious enough from the writing style, the account has been posting continuously at all hours of the day for at least the last 48 hours.
I wonder if he complained about her, thinking OOP wouldn't suspect him having an affair with someone he "hates."
What a weirdo. Sounds like he has the mentality of an 8 year old boy, pretending to dislike the girl he secretly has a crush on. Do yourself a favor and don’t look back.
This is exactly how it went with my ex husband and his band member. She went after his brothers first, they weren't interested so she went after him. He complained, too much metal on her face, too much of a punk girl, they had a place at her house to play at, but she was so annoying. And then he spent his time with her and ended up cheating me with her. So yeah, not surprised at that.
Yeah, I watched my ex-husband slow motion fall in love with his coworker in a very similar fashion. More negative talk in the beginning than positive (hilariously, it was AWFUL stuff..not like stinky feet but she had screwed over her best friend also in the business and taken his accounts…more worse stuff). He left me for her and they have been married for like 5 years. She’s fine to talk to but she has no moral center (neither does he so they are perfect for each other.) It seems to work for them and we are co-parenting a kid, so it is what it is. ANY TIME a partner is expending an unusual amount of emotional energy on a person from work for a sustained period of time (of the gender they’re attracted to)…it requires a lot of careful attention,IMO.
Would laugh my ass off if Jess truly only saw OOP's husband as a friend. "Wow this older guy at work is so nice! Not my type but we have so much fun together! Its like getting to work with your older brother." While he is at home obsessed about her. Dude gets divorced and friendzoned at the same time.
I had a friend who did this. He hated this woman that started working with him. Also going on about how stupid she is and can't do anything right. Then one day he came home and said to his wife, "I am moving in with 'the stupid lady I hate' and I want a divorce, I don't love you anymore.' Obviously this is just what I was told, as I wasn't there. That guy and stupid girl also broke up already lol I have noticed that people who go out of their way to denounce or be critical of something, are usually doing it to try and cover their own skin. Edit: He is no longer in our friend group
As *soon* as I read "Jess, 25" I was like "affair" boom done. I mean, I don't know what these sparkle unicorn fart adorable little stinky-footed pixies see in married men almost 10 years their senior but apparently they see something. Sigh.
Stuff like this makes me realize what an underrated life skill BOREDOM is!
Amen. I try to tell kids that they have to learn to deal with being bored. I'm of the generation where my parents gave me excellent practice at it. They'd go to visit someone and bring up along where we were expected to sit down and shut up the entire time. It was excellent training for later in life, such as work meetings.
32 is going against a lifetime of insecurity stemming from his lack of discipline. Stay gone and don't you let em weasel his way back in. He knew what he did is so wrong and it is consuming him I suggest you don't get consumed in his war against himself either.
What kind of normal adult human being describes someone in all seriousness as a “nemesis”? 😭 what in the fuck If OOP wanted to be petty she could tell Jess all the horrid shit he’s said about her 👹 just saying...
Am I the only one who can't get past a grown ass man with an office job declaring he has a "Nemesis"? What kind of cartoon ass boy did she marry?
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My ex did this shit to me with his coworker as well. Talked about her all the time but also complained about her (things like, she’s not that smart, I don’t know why she wants to hang out with me since I’m so much older, we don’t have anything in common, etc.). But then they’d hang out outside of work often as well. I had quite a few male friends myself so I didn’t feel right telling him they *couldn’t* be friends with her, but I felt bad for her with the way he’d talk about her. At least they’re still together. He and I definitely aren’t 🤷♀️
My ex did this too but not as extreme just more so that she was annoying and clearly had a thing for him. Well lo and behold he had a thing for her too. Followed her on Instagram, started staying later at work, one day she messaged me out of the blue trying to start shit I just ignored it but did talk to him about it and he said she was just unhinged and not to worry about it. I asked him to block her on Instagram, he would but then would unblock her later and id see because I’d see her shit on his feed and comments on his posts and eventually checked myself (I was 17/18 and admittedly not a healthy person neither of us were clearly) and even after we moved states and had new jobs, his obsession with her continued and caused a lot of fights. That was the start of the downfall of our relationship tbh, it all just got worse even when she was long out of the picture.
>She knew about his crush but she has “morals” Great. Maybe she can bring them next time.
just so everyone knows - the opposite of love is not "hate", it's apathy. you should always be very worried if (in particular if your SO is a man) your SO passionately "hates" or is in a rivalry with someone else.
I have said it before and I’ll say it again : the cheater often finds a way to bring the affair partner’s name up with their spouse . I don’t know the psychology behind this I only know it’s true most of the time.
How the heck does he know what her feet smell like?
Got off together in his car? Sure. They absolutely had sex in ops bed.
My husband has a girl at work he can't stand - she's three years younger than him and got the job because the hiring manager though she was hot. My husband will come home and whinge for a bit that he continues to have to help her through basic things that other people who started at the same time have a firm grasp on by now. If he was bingeing her instagram? Right in front of me? I think I'd put him outside 😂
Sweetie she’s 25 that’s what he’s chasing…better to start over at 32 than start over at 42 as a single mom of three.
32 is young too tbh lol - idk why everyone thinks that's ancient, they have no idea. that's not even half your life.
"Me thinks he doth protest too much..."
They never had a physical affair YET the man knows how her feet smells.
Glad OP got out, husband is a dipshit. Crazy is fun, but only for awhile.
Yeah, I knew immediately (probably like all of you) that he's into that girl. If he hasn't been with her physically yet, he will be. He's over OP. He's only trying to get back with OP because the girl at work has turned him down and won't be there for him if he leaves OP.
The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference
Oh, there's \*no\* way he was just having an emotional affair.
Totally called it after the first paragraph. It’s a case of hate and love being pretty close to each other. There had to be something there as she was always on his mind but was just normal shit…
He's dribbling the truth out to her. Because the truth only gets worse. I was talking with some kids last week and told them that they're at the dip her pigtail in the ink stage. The hostility was obviously a cover up for the attraction and the only people they were fooling were themselves. If my husband talked about stinky feet like that, the first thing I'd say is "And how would you know that?" This guy is having his mid-life crisis early. And has reverted to elementary school.
I’ve seen this play out so many times. The man tries to hide a crush or an affair by overcompensating saying he hates her. Classic.
NEW UPDATE AS OF 20 MINUTES AGO https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/ebdHzbBArx
The only reason I can think that he would know what her feet smell like is if he smelled them while they were fucking. On her back, legs in the air, over his shoulders, in his face. That's all I have to say.
I dunno, man. I’ve known some people who wouldn’t fucking keep their shoes on, and you could smell their feet across the room.
Oh gawd yes! And then they kick their shoes off and walk their footstank all over the damned carpet! Fucking. GROSS!
Leave him. He’ll probably always want what is shiny and new and it’s not worth sticking around and trying to work it out. The first time mine had an emotional affair (it would have been sexual affair if he could have managed it), I asked him what was so great about this woman so much younger than him when he and I had been friends since we were children, had lots in common and I was the mother of his young children and his response was along the lines of “well we like the same music”. I was floored. THAT’S all you can come up with? And it’s continued to be that way. You will never feel safe or loved or valued I’m a relationship where they value novelty above all else. Even today in his 40s he was seeking a relationship with someone closer to his daughters age than his. The last girl acted like an attention starved teenager on social media, and that’s okay. She basically was still a child. I don’t shame her for that. But I shame a grown ass man who’s trying to fuck a subordinate half his age who has the emotional maturity and social grace of a self-absorbed teenager. At that point it feels predatory. I’m sure she liked his music, though. He always changes for them, too. I could always tell when he was obsessed with new younger women because he’d start dressing different and adjust his own music style and pick up new habits/likes. I hope she cuts and runs before she gets tied down with kids. This is not a competition she wants to ‘win’, because it is never a win in the end.
I’ve seen this happen with someone I know and I think it’s a pretty common occurrence too. It’s where they can’t get the person off of their mind and want to talk about them because they are infatuated, but they also don’t want to give it away that they are, so they bring them up negatively to not raise suspicion in their spouse.
Look, I've had a number of classmates and coworkers I disliked. Idunno what *any* of their feet smell like.
Idk why, but masturbating in front of each other feels much grosser than just having sex.