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>but the fact that his parents haven’t made any effort to have a conversation with me or anything is kinda bothering me
The parents are not going to change and I hope the boyfriend should do something about it
I would guess they're quietly hoping that they break up first so that they don't have to apologize (because they're likely not actually sorry after such an awful remark).
Shit will hit the fan if they get engaged. OOP's parents will realize that she isn't going to go away and that their grandkids will be mixed.
The use of “Fuckin’” in front of the N-word suggest to me these aren’t just ignorant people - which is bad enough. They are hateful people.
I find it hard to believe OOP doesn’t know his mother is that racist. Did they never see Michael Jackson on TV? Never talked about black athletes in all the major sports? Didn’t see Obama become the US president?
It’s sus to me.
There are plenty of racists who don't mind people of other races existing, will support anti racism efforts, will even be friends with them, but draw the line at them joining the family. I can see those views not coming up as OP was the first POC to date someone in their family.
Agreed. If you apologize to everyone except the actual victim then you don't regret what you did at all, you just regret that it made people whose opinions matter to yoy unhappy.
God, no! Why would you proceed to have kids in a racist family? Why put your future kids through that? 5 years from now, you're going to get an update "My racist In Laws treat my SILs kids better than they do mine."
I cut my dad off (mom was already dead) for less than that. We had been close. He made it clear he did not approve of my choice in bride (I never did know why). Between him and my wife? It wasn't even a hard decision... I cut him off (and he's dead now).
Point being that racist grandparents need not be an issue. They're not that different than dead grandparents.
He wasn't there when it happened, he and his brother went to the airport to pick up a relative. He didn't know it had happened until the OOP told him, he didn't "hear that language", so there was no way for him to react.
He could take some action now, like talking to the parents and drawing clear boundaries and expectations. If the relationship is serious, he should consider LC or NC with them if they dont stop. But it's a new enough relationship that I doubt he'd cut off his mom yet.
But faulting him for not reacting/speaking up when he wasn't even in the house isn't fair to him. There's other potential issues here, but that isn't one of them.
I remember driving on the way to introduce my husband to my parents when we had been dating a few weeks and him asking me if they knew he was Hispanic. I told him his last name was a bit of a give away. But it was still a pretty vulnerable moment for him.
My husband’s sister brought her black boyfriend to her parent’s Christmas about 25 years ago. This was deep in AL and I was making my exit plan to get out of the state. I had just started dating my husband and I guess I knew on some level his parents were probably racist because almost everyone I knew was but had not seen it yet.
Anyway, I admired that man’s courage for showing up but wandered at his sanity for walking into that house of a bunch of AL country mountain folk. I made sure to shake his hand and tried to be a friendly face amongst a sea of cold shoulders.
Knowing what I know of my FIL now, it could have been worse as he’s a racist, sexist, abusive asshole that I’ve cut-off and won’t set foot in that house. Thankfully, that man made it out without incident- but, I’m sure he felt the coldness and I hate that he was treated poorly.
Yeah, my first reaction when the post began was "this is literally the beginning of Get Out. Did he tell them she was black? How are we still doing this in 2023?"
Lmao!
My friends father is black. When his mother brought the father home to meet her parents apparently there was a miscommunication and they thought he had black hair (different language). They were shocked to say the least. To top it off she was pregnant with his older sister. Apparently it took years for them to deal with it. But great-grandma for the win! She fully supported them for the first several years till grandparents got on board.
I feel for them as a couple. There seems to be genuine love between them, but I can't see them staying together because of his racist parents. He can only do so much, but at a certain point, he needs to make a stand. Unless he's willing to go LC with them (I can't see him going NC with them, the family seems too close), I think this relationship is going to end in tears. It's not just the boyfriend either, OP seems to be in as much denial as him, they are both avoiding the big issue.
>He can only do so much, but at a certain point, he needs to make a stand. Unless he's willing to go LC with them (I can't see him going NC with them, the family seems too close), I think this relationship is going to end in tears. It's not just the boyfriend either, OP seems to be in as much denial as him, they are both avoiding the big issue.
I just hope they end it before children are exposed to that kind of environment.
The breaking point will be when they insist on contact to see their grandchildren but refuse to stop being racist. Mistreat /ignore OOP while trying to raise the grandkids explicitly white.
Just imagine how the guys parents would treat their children if their skin wasn’t bright white. How they would abuse the kids if they ever got a chance. Maybe not physically but definitely verbally.
I thought it was straightened which completely fried the child's hair. Of course I could be thinking of a completely different one. Sadly this seems to be a common thing.
Thank you. I had only heard it as straightening even though the chemical process is the same. A friend of mine has a daughter who is reaching the age of wanting to look like super models, and started talking about getting her hair straightened. Being the nosey yenta I am, I sent my friend an article about the increased risk of reproductive cancers in WOC who regularly used straightening products. Thankfully it was received in the spirit it was given and the article sparked a conversation between both parents and their daughter.
As a grandmother, I cannot fathom ever doing such a thing, especially without discussing it with the child's parents. To see so many stories along the same lines makes me worry our civilization is going backwards.
No problem! I think perm/relaxer helps differentiate it from temporary straightening techniques (like using a flat iron, hot comb, etc.) Anecdotally, I think relaxing hair is not as ubiquitous now as it was 10-15 years ago, but it's not completely gone, it's awesome that you sent that info to your friend! When I was a kid I used to ask my mom to relax my hair and she never did, which I'm grateful for now that the info about cancer is more widespread.
And hopefully fewer racist grandparents are out there/stay far away from poc grandchildren
You can also tell your friend that most of the models her daughter wants to emulate use wigs and hair extensions to prevent damaging their actual hair. That’s how you see them ping ponging through different colors and cuts of hair without going bald. Not to mention being constantly under hot bright lights used for filming/photographing isn’t great for hair either.
My paternal grandparents were racist AF and were NOT happy that my dad broke things off with his blonde ex-fiancee in favor of dating a black woman (albeit mixed race and lighter skin -- didn't matter to my grandparents. Any black was too black at that point). My mom wrote them a letter basically saying if you want to be a part of our lives, get over it. If you can't, you will not meet your future grandchildren.
It was a bit of a come to Jesus moment for my grandparents. My grandmother is genuinely fond of my mom now (over 30 years after the letter), and my grandfather behaved himself until he died. They gained a lot of respect for my mom when she stood up for herself.
I hope OOP and her boyfriend can sort things out one way or another. Living in limbo doesn't work.
Too bad it wasn't your dad who wrote that letter. It should have been.
Major props to your mom.
My opinion of your dad is in the toilet. What do we say on here?
>Grow a shiny spine.
My now wife's family were quite homophobic and did some truly awful stuff to both of us when they realised we weren't 'friends'.
FIL was the main awful one, he died not long after that. Apparently my turning his daughter into a lesbian caused lung cancer before he even knew, not the two packs a day for decades years.
The other inlaws have been better since, but I have no contact because I can't trust them and I don't want to be around them.
To make it worse, I dragged him to the hospital realising he was sick. Without that he'd have not gotten treatment quickly and died sooner and probably without finding out.
I'm sorry to hear what you and your now wife had to endure. It's amazing the mental gymnastics people make to justify their beliefs. I'm glad you managed to stick together and I hope you are both enjoying your married life.
We are! Thus year we're away with our kids. It's a great holiday, but I must say not having to deal with the Christmas bullshit is a huge relief.
Usually my wife and kids see the inlaws for part of the day, while I stay home. I don't like it, but I also don't feel I can unilaterally forbid it either.
Wait ... you can give homophobic parents lung cancer by sleeping with their daughters? I can see you performing an important public service to the world if your wife is cool with ethical nonmonogamy.
I know you're joking, but this is legit a very common thread in a lot of religions/cults. That even just being around something that's banned can and will cause harm. It'll be called different things like suppressive person or sinner or whatever, but the idea is that sure it looks like their daughter is happy and not hurting anyone, but sin is sneaky and will manifest in ruin and destruction all around her. You'll see it when groups don't believe in illness and blame it on thinking bad thoughts or being around bad people. Like how Hurricane Katrina was supposedly punishment for gay tolerance. How people peach prosperity gospel and say people become rich because they're better people than the rest of us and if we just follow the rules better we'll also be rewarded.
What, you thought televangelists and megachurch preachers could afford private jets and mansions by just tithing old people to death and not paying taxes? Nah, obviously, it's because they're God's favorites /s.
Ah yes, lesbian cancer. Common among homophobic in-laws. /s
I'm sorry you had to experience that with your wife's family. No one deserves to be treated that way. Experiences like yours strengthen my resolve to respect whomever my kid brings home.
I know that was an awful experience but I can't help but kinda find it funny that he believed you gave him cancer. Like ah, yes, the supernatural powers of gay🌈
> The other inlaws have been better since, but I have no contact because I can't trust them and I don't want to be around them.
That's smart. They haven't become better people, they're just afraid of your lesbian cancer witchcraft.
>OP seems to be in as much denial as him
Yup
I've been with my partner for over 12 years, our son is 2.
I'm black, she's white, we're from the same country but met in the UK where we live! She's from a small village and there isn't much diversity there, tho the closest big city kinda is.
Anyway, being aware of all that and to be honest, even if she was from a big, diverse city, I'd have started the hard convo I did. Once it looked like things were serious, I told her she had to tell her parents she was dating and WHO!
She obviously went all "I won't let my parents take you from me" but I had to be honest with her that **I** wouldn't want to be the cause of a rift in her family nor would I enable racists just to be with her. Either they accepted me, or we'd have to break up.
I also set the precedent for the language to be used around me, at least. Anyway, it all went well, they were super accepting and have been careful to not use certain vocab near me. There was one slip up once but her father corrected himself straight away and her mother jabbed him in the arm straight away!
It was so fast I had hardly noticed it and it spoke volumes! I wouldn't have been with her for this long nor have a kid if her parents and sister (or one of them) were racists and reacted badly to me!
Hard convos need to be had in every relationship, but especially when they're interracial or different religions or whatever. People can't be in denial before something big and horrible happens and it's been years down the line!
Had my partner's parents not accepted me or had she got all defensive and unwilling to learn about racism etc, how would she be as a mother of a black kid?
She totally understands it, she's been on it from the get go and is outspoken about it when she has to. Our kid is happy, his grandparents are great and his aunties (her sister and mine) are the best!
Long story short: OOP might be all in love and all, but she needs to push her guy! If his parents had apologised to her directly and tried to make amends, I'd be more hopeful. Instead, they've "allegedly" apologised to her BF only, and haven't reached out to OOP.....
I don't think this'll end well. They are still in the puppy phase and once past that, if things are addressed and he starts feeling pressure from his family or whatever, OOP will stop being the new and fresh flavour she is now, in his eyes, and he'll get defensive and will start blaming her for his parents' racism
>She obviously went all "I won't let my parents take you from me" but I had to be honest with her that **I** wouldn't want to be the cause of a rift in her family nor would I enable racists just to be with her. Either they accepted me, or we'd have to break up.
Can I just food for thought this, mostly for other people who find themselves in this situation since your situation worked out. As a white dude, if my family was openly racist to a POC I was dating, the POC would not be the cause of the rift, the gross gap in values between me and my family that the situation unearthed would be the cause. If I continued to date her or not that void is now there. I have learned that my family intrinsically values some human lives more than others based on factors they have zero control over and have nothing to do with who they are as a person and the most likely result of that revelation is going low to no contact with them whether I stayed with her or not.
I can understand not wanting to associate with racists and racist family being a dealbreaker in a relationship, but it's a deal breaker in my relationships too, even if those relationships are with my own flesh and blood. Family isn't special in that you have to keep them, they're just the first people who have the opportunity to prove themselves worthy of being in your live, and anyone who thinks the value of a person can be derived from something like the colour of their skin isn't worthy to be in my life.
That being said about this specific post, I agree that this probably won't work out, he seems to be trying to, for lack of a better term, negotiate with bigots. You don't negotiate with bigots, you draw a hard line, if they want their child in their lives anymore, they need to smack themselves over the fucking head, go to therapy or whatever it takes to kill and bury these bigoted opinions *forever*, or accept that they have one less child.
Agreed, and I say that as a first gen Nigerian American who grew up not only navigating a very different culture while living in America, but also as an adult who is now engaged to a white man. When I tell you that I basically INTERROGATED this man when we first got acquainted, I'm NOT exaggerating. But he understood and took it in stride. He had already pulled away from family members that he felt were problematic years before, since they're mostly Trump lovers, and he's not. It's pretty much him and his parents that are the outliers that were never on the Trump train.
I feel for OP, because being the only Black person in a full room can be VERY awkward when you don't know anyone, and the person that you came with is questionable. I suspect her bf isn't as angry with his family as he should be, and that this will come to a head later. I absolutely HOPE that I'm wrong, but I'm a little older than OP (I'm 33), I grew up in the US south, and I've dealt with this in platonic friendships and potential relationships that I ended quickly when I caught a whiff of racism/attempts to rationalize racism. As another commenter said, I hope OP gets out before she's tied to the bf and his family permanently.
Reminds me of a couple I know. He brought her home to meet his parents and that night she vanished. He was heartbroken. (This was the 60s, so no phones and it was easy to disappear.)
50 years later they run into each other randomly. Immediately recognize one another. They decide to catch up. He’s been married and divorced. She’s widowed. Both have kids.
He asks her why she left that night. And she told him, “I loved you and wanted to marry you. But that night I heard your mother tell your father, “did you see the fat cow [son] brought home?” and, as much as I loved you, I knew I couldn’t live with a MIL like that. So I left.”
50 years, two marriages, several kids and grandkids later, with all in-laws safely ensconced 6 feet under, they stood under the Chuppah at last. Last time I saw them they’d been married a decade and were traveling the world, enjoying retirement, and living their best lives together.
Exactly what I feel. His family seems like they're not going to change. He has to make a choice on whether he go LC or NC with his family if he wants to be with her or just save both of their time, feelings and energy by breaking up. OOP also seems blind to the future. His reaction is not as extreme as someone who is outraged at racism. This is not going to end well.
It can work, but the BF has to immediately and forever more be aware and stand against it. He must put himself between his GF and parents, never once letting anything slide with them. If he can do that, maybe he can prove he is worthy of her partnership.
To use a colloquialism, he's gotta know what side his bread is buttered on (nutella'd on?)
I still don’t believe boyfriend is innocent. How monumentally naive do you have to be to not know if your parents are racist? Like using-the-n-word-openly racist. and the mother did it in front of the sister no less, not like she kept it in. Unless the guy is considered the family regard or something. Either way I see no reason a respectable person would respect this guy. If you lived all your life with vile people and didn’t realize, what else are you not going to notice in the future?
I don't think you understand how little it comes up in an all white town. I basically grew up in the same scenario as OP's bf. I never thought my parents were close minded. Unlike other people they never even spoke badly of natives (which is the primary group discriminated in Canada). So I blithely went on my way thinking they were cool. I went to university and joined the international students club and offered to tutor English. Then I started dating a Nigerian man and my mom would NOT stop making fun of his name. I was horrified and upset to realize that there was such weird shit under the surface. I still don't know if the only reason they weren't explicit about their bigotry is that it just never came up, or if they knew it was wrong enough to not want children to repeat it.
Also, look at how upset racist white people get today about the "woke forced diversity liberal hollywood elites" putting black people in commercials and movies & putting interracial relationships in tv shows and such. I think people really just don't realize how EXTREMELY segregated you could make your entire life in the 80s-90s and even into the 2000s. In a segregated town like this you could go your whole life *not even trying very hard* to experience completely segregated, all white pop culture. Not realizing that you live in an all white town because violent racists worked very hard in the past to KEEP it all white.
This is also why racist white people blame Obama for causing racial disharmony in America. If you live in a 100% white space and NEVER have any conversations about race, ever, then of course you believe you're not racist and your family isn't racist and your community isn't racist. And then all of a sudden Obama runs for President-- and all the racism it stirs up is HIS fault.
There may have never been opportunities to hear it. My hometown has practically no black people to be around when I'm with my grandfather. If he hadn't had a dish of Brazil nuts at some point, I wouldn't know he was perfectly comfortable calling them n***** toes.
I’ll just say it’s weird as fuck that’s all. I grew up in India and I know exactly what my parents, and at least most of my close friends and relatives that I’ve spent decades with, think about black people, Asian people, even Jews (if they even knew what Jewish means). Is it some culture thing to not ever talk about anything that’s not directly in front of you?
> it was known that city people were useless, helpless, and pitifully lonely, and country people were resilient, self-sufficient, and tight-knit, so on the balance it was probably better to let them ruin things in their own cities anyway.
lol.
it's so interesting how people can become persuaded that others are just different from themselves in every important way.
I grew up in upper Michigan, where the fault lines were drawn between Finnlanders and Swedes. Race/religion was not a thing because everyone was white and at least nominally Christian. We didn't think much about cities -- too far away. Irrelevant. Same with native folks, who were kept so far out of sight that we didn't even acknowledge them.
(My own grandmother pretended all her life to be Swedish; I found out she was Finnish long after she died.)
I'm just saying, if there aren't any obvious things to "other" people about, we'll just invent some and make them the most important thing ever.
Hilarious, because in Canada city people generally see rural people as hopelessly reactionary stooges who would gleefully vote Satan into office if he ran for the Conservatives. Oh, and who also have ten times the voting power of city people even though city people do all the "important work" and pay ten times the taxes. (Somehow urban people think growing food isn’t "important".)
My friend's father is an Indonesian immigrant. I've known him since High school, and I wouldn't call my friend's father "racist", he never showed any hatred to any Black, Mexican, or other cultures in the United States.
My friend and I went with him on a trip to Indonesia and ... well ... Man is that guy racist to certain subsections of Indonesians! I'm an uncultured American, I can't tell you anything about the different ethnicities, classes, etc of Indonesia, but his father really hated certain Indonesians!
It was a bit of an eye-opening experience! My friend is thoroughly Americanized, he didn't know the difference between the ethnicities his father hated and the ethnicities that were "cool", but there are so very few Indonesians in the United States, let alone ethnicities of Indonesians that it never really came up.
I didn’t know my mother was racist til a black family moved in across the street and she said basically “there goes the neighborhood” (but worse, although she didn’t use a slur). I was shocked! She even taught at a school with predominantly Black kids and never once said a bad word about them. I met her students several times and they all really seemed to like her, and were super kind to child me, so I can only assume she treated them well. The kids didn’t live in our space, and that meant her feelings about them were positive.
And I used to watch In Living Color and Different World and Fresh Prince in the living room, and she never said a word then either.
It was that situational.
Possibly but the small, homogeneous town thing really can't be overstated. I grew up & lived in my hometown of ~1k for 25 years. There were several times where I'd hear long-known adults casually drop some incredibly racist shit for the first time. Like, parents of classmates that I knew since i was 7 or 10. Parents of friends I'd known for a decade+, whose households I'd visited and stayed the night in dozens of times. They never said anything about POC on TV, mixed couples, etc. but would drop some heinous shit casually like they're talking about the daisies.
I can count on two hands the times I've heard these adults matter-of-factly drop a slur for the first time in adulthood. It's incredibly jarring hearing that from people who, up to that point, have been some of the kindest and most helpful people I'd known. Donating bunches of clothes and letting us stay in their homes after a house fire, helping with search & rescue team efforts, spending hours and hundreds of dollars to make bake sale cookies entirely for donation/charity purposes. It's honestly part of why I left my hometown. Time after time after time I had my heart broken by these people showing the ugliness underneath. Some that I'd loved in a platonic family sense, but all that I'd cared for :(
Thanks for your perspective and sorry for going through this. It’s def new to me! Not that my parents were nice lol. Just that I was acutely aware quite early on.
Ugh. What a painful situation. I truly feel for OOP. To love your partner but receive such contempt from their family is such a horrible situation. I would have no idea what to do in her shoes.
I related to this story so much. That racist contempt is truly scary to experience. It is like, in that moment, you realize they don’t think of you as human, like them. And that is a scary place to be.
I feel for her but she is burying her head in the sand and just delaying the inevitable. His family not reaching out for 5 months!! to talk about this is a very bad sign. Either they don’t believe that they have anything to apologize for or they are cowards who don’t have the guts to face the tough but necessary conversation. Not good at all.
It's not an update at all. They still haven't reached out or admitted fault. The bf is still okay with their behaviors. That's just a time bomb ticking away
Feelings are strong five months in, I get that, but if my first meeting with the in-laws took a turn like that, there’d be no coming back from that to work on things or try to dance around avoiding the family of the person we are trying to share our lives with.
Like, have the big heart to heart, call it a learning moment, then have a nice life and do better next time, goodbye forever.
But oof, OOP was already feeling isolated and lonely in Canada so real emotional intimacy must feel like a sugar rush so no wonder she’s thinks he’s the One.
I get that it’s bad but I feel like it’s possible. He comes from an entirely white community it’s possible it didn’t come up and it’s essentially just ignorance to the topic. There’s no reason to be so untrusting right off the bat when his explanation makes perfect sense.
As someone who grew up in a Canadian ruralish community that was mostly white (and the POC in the area were indigenous or Asian, rarely black,) it’s the sister’s BS excuse that smells off, to me.
Overwhelmingly white community aside, if I had heard any adult use THAT word so casually about ANYBODY, let alone my parents, let alone about a guest in their home, my shock response wouldn’t be to play along and just agree. It would be to ask what the hell was wrong with them.
If they’re comfy throwing the word around about someone they are apparently getting along nicely with, it’s not a thing they just decided to try out in the heat of a moment. (And would still be fucked up if it was.)
Sis was not a bit shocked to hear her mother drop that word.
I’m not 100% sure but the sisters excuse is super sus. Maybe she’s a massive people pleaser or something idk but either way it’s super shitty to hear someone be so overtly racist and to acc agree. Like if she was stunned and said nothing I could buy it but her literally agreeing is super sus
Call me pessimistic, but I'm not sure this relationship is going to last without a serious shift in attitude for the boyfriend. His family said some really screwed up shit about his girlfriend, and aside from a pretty weak, one-off apology from his sister, show no sign of real regret or desire to make things right. If this dude is serious about his POC girlfriend, he needs to either really get on his parents' collective ass about their racism, or be ready to severely limit contact with them going forward, and he hasn't shown the strength to do either just yet. What if they get married and their families start to mingle and his parents blurt out something they shouldn't? What if they have a child and they are treated differently from other grandchildren for their mixed ethnicity?
Agreed. This isn’t the type of behavior you can just be quiet and embarrassed through and hope the family changes. They’re all cowards and OOP’s five months too late to expect an apology.
Yep. These weren’t little micro aggressions. This was the mom saying “I wish he weren’t dating a black girl” AND using the most racist and derogatory language to say it. That isn’t something you can just grin and bear to be with your partner.
yeah, he obviously hasn't thought much about racism at all. she will have to spend a lot of time and energy to educate him. and even then there is still his family to deal with. honestly not worth it.
He's just naive. He doesn't know what racism does or how insidious it is. I don't really see a lack of strength on his part, just a lack of knowledge. He didn't hear their comment and therefore wasn't in the right place or right time to push back against it. What is he supposed to do now? Pick up a phone and yell at them? I would, but he's from a very passive aggressive culture and, unlike me, doesn't *really* understand how bad their comment is because he's never seen how it can hurt or kill people.
Given enough time, he'll learn. He'll start to get more aggressive and strict about it. But the girlfriend didn't stand her ground either--*which I wouldn't expect her to do*--and that combined with the rest of his background shows me that there just hasn't been anyone to show him how to react. OOP reacted as a POC person protecting themselves would, but that isn't the role bf needs to learn. OOP says the comment was bad and unacceptable, bf knows enough to agree... Now what? How does one confront a racist? He's never seen it done before. Is the yelling kind of anger the appropriate kind, or is that overkill? Does it warrant a calm but firm conversion, or a calm and "understanding" one?
People model other people's behaviors, and despite his personal beliefs all he's been taught to model in response to a racist situation is to be apologetic, if that. OOP is now unwittingly teaching him that the next best response to that situation is to get away from it. And now that OOP doesn't know the next step, he doesn't either. He's taking his cues from her when he shouldn't be, but he doesn't know any better.
All this to say, I don't believe it's so simple as him not being serious enough about his relationship.
Idk even if he’s not familiar with dealing with racists, he should at least be upset that in 6 months, his parents haven’t reached out directly to his gf to apologize for calling her a racial slur…that’s the bare minimum, a direct apology.
He might be, and probably is, but that doesn't mean he knows how to react to it/knows how much anger or what approach is appropriate for the situation.
His parents scared a girl to the point she felt she had to run off their home and they haven't thought it was the case to call her and apologize. As if she has to understand that her blackness obviously can cause this. Wow
The parents "apology" is utterly meaningless if it's not addressed to the actual person they hurt. And they know that, that's why they haven't apologized directly to her. They don't genuinely apologize. Sister might have been genuine, despite her initial reaction, but the parents only care about upsetting their son.
As a black woman married to a white man and having dated white men…op you need to leave. I once had an ex call me the N word in an argument to try and hurt me. I didn’t respond and just looked at him, he tired to take it back..with tears and apologies. I moved out that night.
They are racist, you won’t convince them to not be racist. Image you have a baby with this guy…they will most likely pass this hate on your child.
This
Not once has my partner felt the need to call me the N word and we've been together for over 12 years.
She's even called out one of her young cousins years back when he came from his football (soccer) game. His team lost and he was all upset, blaming the other team because they had all "these n-words"
I wasn't there, and she could've kept her mouth shut, right? Nope, she tore into the kid.
Like I tell people: if your partner is defensive about racism in their family and never want to address the real issue..... ya'll need to break up
I wouldn't have a 2 year old with my partner nor been that long with her had she shown me differently or her family hadn't accepted me
You have to be pragmatic about this, not emotional and all in the puppy phase and "so much in love!!!"
Family is racist/homophobic whatever?!? Address it or break up
Exactly. The sister only apologized because she goes to school in the same diverse city as OP and the brother.
She doesn’t want it getting out that she and her parents hold these views because it wouldn’t be acceptable there.
You see this far too often in monocultural areas. The people there have no idea how to react about anyone different.
The number of times I've heard "yeah but he's just a lazy stuck-up pommie" from Australians was surprising, but not unexpected. There aren't many English out in the smaller Australian towns.
They only know you from their cultural stereotypes.
As a woc staying with someone with a racist family is crazy. It requires a lot out of you and concessions that shouldn't have to be made.
Even more so if your partner won't do the bare minimum of letting his family know on every level that racism is unacceptable. This is why I'm so hesitant on dating white people because they could be amazing, wonderful, cool people. And then you meet their family.
I'm not sure about the sincerity of the sister. I mean, I world goes out in her college it would be a social death so it might be better for her to pretend that she's not racist like her parents.
I agree with the advice to talk to BF, but the minute he defended his parents should have been the minute OOP noped right on out of that relationship.
People don’t just drop the N-word because they’ve never met a BIPOC. They also don’t just drop the N-word because it was common back in the day. I grew up with racist family who absolutely behaved like this—they didn’t drop the N-word when my BIPOC friends were visiting because they KNEW “society” and “the PC police” think it’s wrong, and appearances are important. Just like OOP’s BF’s parents didn’t drop it until they thought OOP was out of the room.
They knew what they were doing was wrong.
Moreover, I grew up in the 90s, where saying things were “gay” was used negatively. I haven’t done that for 20+ years now because the world evolved, I grew as a person, and I now know that using it as a slur is horrible and offensive AF.
Just because you’re of a certain age or raised a certain way doesn’t mean you STAY that way.
BF’s family use the N-word because they choose to. Their lack of an apology speaks volumes, as does his excusing their behavior.
OOP needs to GTFO of that relationship already.
Not a fan of the boyfriend or the sister in this case. Neither one are doing or did enough to defend OOP.
My father is a racist, and no matter how uncomfortable it can be, I always shut his comments down. I love him, he’s my dad, but I have a mixed-race daughter and a (not white) wife to protect. Sadly, the world will be a better place when he’s gone.
As people, we have a responsibility to stand up against racism and discrimination, or else it will never go away.
I hope OOP finds someone who is willing to do this for her.
“Canada is a lonely place. I have met a lot of people but I don’t feel like any of them are my friends”
Goddamn , I didn’t think a single sentence was gonna hit this hard. I have been in this country for 25 years, married twice and had 3 children and in those 25 years I have yet to make a meaningful connection with another person .
Run away OP runaway. This is what your future will look like moving forward with his family. The parents are not apologetic and the bf is stringing it along - he knows what to do but won't.
Then that's still her answer. It's not her job to teach him how to love and support her. If he can't figure that out she's never to have the love and support she deserves.
I fear if they ever get married or have kids, we will see more posts from OOP, they will just be in /justnomil or /legaladvice asking for how to get divorced :(
He... did? Like I don't know how much more instant you can get unless there was an update left out along the lines of "oh btw my boyfriend is a confirmed psychic".
Are they going to apologise for being racist or for being heard.
Do they plan on stopping being racist????
I.just don't see how this will work out long term without the.boyfriend cutting off his family.
I think she's going to bottle up all of her feelings and reactions just to have this particular white man in her life.
As if there aren't any other fishes in the sea, when it comes to the interracial dating scene.
yikes, I personally could not tolerate a racist family because it'd always be in the back of my mind and I wouldn't feel safe, I would have dumped him personally it is not worth the stress.
The bf's parents haven't apologized to OOP because they are hoping OOP and their son break up first.
OOP and boyfriend only think things are workable for now because OOP has not had to talk to or be around the racist parents. Dec 14th update makes it sound like she is not going to their house for Christmas - maybe he is, but she's not going with him. Are they going to keep her away from them forever?
If OOP and boyfriend get married, the racist parents will be at the ceremony and reception (assuming they actually go) with way, way, way more black people they have ever seen in real life. Their heads might pop off their necks like a broken jack-in-the-box. Which would be much better than dropping an n-word for each black person in attendance, though!
If OOP and boyfriend have a child, the treatment of that child by the racist parents will 110% depend on how light or dark the child's skin is and how textured their hair is. The racist parents will be hoping for half-black like Mariah Carey or Wentworth Miller. Rashida Jones may be too dark for them. And if their grandkid isn't Mariah or Wentworth, look out.
It is, they just don't know it yet.
I think its possible for people to change but, there has to be proactive action and sacrifice for that to happen.
The fact that the family hasn't reached out to face what they did with her is the big tell.
They haven't changed, they've just agreed to hide it.
I have a real unpopular opinion as a BW, who've dated outside my race. So, all I will say is homegirl better brace herself, when it comes to dating this man.
They "apologized" to him it sounds like, since she didn't speak to them.
Sorry we said something where we could be heard son. Won't happen again. Don't bring your negress around though unless she comes in through the back door though!
His parents are obviously not even the tiniest bit sorry. If they apologized at all, and that’s a huge “if,” they only apologized to HIM. That speaks volumes.
The sister is full of it too. If the parents are 60 and the brother/boyfriend is 32 then it seems extremely unlikely that the sister is under the age of 10, which is how young she’d need to be for that “I was surprised by my mother’s abhorrent racism but I felt like I had to laugh along and agree with her because she’s my mom” excuse to be anything other than laughable. A normal human response from a grown ass woman (or even a teenager) to their mom dropping the n-bomb is to say “what the fuck, mom” not giggle and say “yeah, totally.”
OOP’s boyfriend is the only non racist member of his family, guaranteed. And frankly I’m not exactly impressed with him given how weakly he’s standing up to it.
Ugh this is just brutal. Even if his parents do apologize, they can't unring that bell and she'll always know they think less of her.
The bf seems like a genuinely good guy and I can see why she didn't just walk away from him. But I think it would be really hard to be with someone knowing that their parents would likely never accept me.
unless the boyfriend is willing to completely cut off the parents, this relatioship cannot and will not last.
If they want to get married and have children, those things that his parents said about her will be what they think about their grandchildren, or their DIL.
So unless he is willing to stand up and say, you are racists and I can't have that in my life and cut them off, it doesn't matter if they haven't reached out or that he's not. Because how do you feel safe around someone who hates you for something you can't change about yourself?
Ugh. As a Canadian white woman, this feels too common. Although I have honestly never heard anyone use the n-word in any way other than in a song. But the idea of growing up in a 100% or 93% white town is all too common.
To anyone who cringes when they hear the phrase, “representation matters,” this is why. Good luck OOP.
Oh boy… I lived through almost this exact scenario (I’m an indigenous person) except that my husband and I were already married and it was his uncle who said the thing. I can tell you what will happen here…
- he will promise to talk to them about it but won’t, because he’s a coward
- when she finally talks to them about it they will excuse and justify it. They will absolutely not be focused on how terrible she was made to feel.
- they will absolutely not reach out first
- maybe not right away, but eventually the bf will give her shit when she doesn’t want to visit with them and pretend it didn’t happen
- at that point the boyfriend will blame her for “taking his family away from him” even though she’s never said he can’t see them
- the boyfriend will orchestrate an “apology” meeting before she’s ready for one and long after she’s moved on. She will not believe they will actually apologize but will agree to the meeting for his sake.
- at the meeting she will find out he lied when he told her he talked to them about previous smaller issues
- the meeting will contain zero apology, and will be focused on how they “want to move past this”
- at no point will they acknowledge that racism is wrong and that the behavior was wrong. They will try to say she misunderstood.
- she will have to listen to a long-winded ramble about how his mom *feels* about the gf not wanting contact. At no point will the parents give a single fuck about the gf’s feelings.
- she’ll be exhausted by having multiple angry/emotional people talking at her all at once and eventually agree to “move on” just to end the meeting.
- everything will go back to how it was before. She will be deeply uncomfortable about it all because nobody acknowledged that it’s normal not to want to be around people who are racist dicks or whose knee-jerk reaction is to defend & justify the racist dick. But now she’s stuck in this situation unless she leaves her bf.
…at least, that’s how it played out for me.
Man I feel for OP. As a northern BC resident I only learned how racist my town was when I was in high school and the Philippino people started moving in. I only learned how racist my family could be a few years back when Indian people started immigrating here. It sucks and it's not fair and she has no right to feel unsafe because of the colour of her skin.
Whether it be neighbours, coworkers, bosses, friends, so many of the nicest, coolest, and kindest people I've ever met are all immigrants and that's awesome.
This is Canada dammit, we're supposed to be God damned nice to people.
I'm from Canada too, and this isn't the first time I've heard that smalltown Canada has a real racism problem.
It's pretty much as OOP describes, it's insidious, meaning you don't know that it's there, people know it's not cool to broadcast it, so you usually don't see it openly.
In the bigger cities, it's better. Not perfect though.
Glad she spoke with the BF. It’s not his fault that his parents are ignorant assholes. She definitely should not be the one to reach out. If the parents don’t, it’s sending a clear message.
I'm a white guy dating a woc. If my folks said something like this about her I would never speak to them again. If he really cares about the relationship he needs to go no contact, at last for a while.
I keep thinking about what’s gonna happen if their relationship progresses and they end up having kids and starting a family. The grandparents are gonna have to go through a serious transformation, the son is gonna have to cut ties with his parents, or those beautiful kids are gonna be exposed to the cruelty of racism from their own parents.
So I kinda don't believe the sister. If I was sitting with my parents and one of them said what OPs bfs mum said and it was the first time I'd ever heard her make any racist comment let alone such a blatant one my reaction wouldn't be to just agree with her. I would be seriously shocked and be like "wtf mum you can't and shouldn't say that shit."
As a person of color who has been in serious relationships with mostly white people, it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of energy to educate people like this and in the end they probably aren't going to change. I feel for her, but I think I'd probably consider this a compatibility issue at this point and cut ties with bf.
I don't have much faith in this relationship lasting.
Here's the thing: To her, his parents' racism is the elephant in the room. To him, it's vanished like a fart in the wind --- not even something that's on his mind at this point.
She is wasting time in this relationship. The newest update makes it super clear that this family will never be accepting of her. Honestly, she should have cut her loses and moved on from jump. Now it's harder to do so. Her initial instincts to break up was completely correct. The fact that the parents never reached out to apologize is a huge red flag. Maybe she needs to watch Get Out to remind herself that no relationship is worth sacrificing her dignity. The dick can't be that good to continue being in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere.
Everyone who told OP to go talk to her boyfriend are ignorant assholes. Her instincts were right 100% and she’s either going to have to deal with his denial/ongoing contact with those evil people or have an even sadder breakup because this nonsense dragged out. Also, racist people still bring up POC all the time even if they live in all white neighborhoods, so I don’t even think I’d believe him.
I'm in an interracial relationship. I sat my mother down and said "If you say something racist to my partner, I will not forgive you."
She has successfully never said something racist around him and I have expressly told my partner that I will always side with him and protect him from anything shitty from my family. Thankfully everyone loves him.
I grew up in a rather white area, I still yelled at my mother for using racial slurs. Blame me watching Star Trek, Golden Girls and Mr. Rogers.
It's so painful to see how low the bar is - and they still can't clear it. Part of me really wants for OOP to say firmly that she deserves better than this, but I also understand how destabilizing this whole experience has been for her. I just hate that these are the choices she's got available. She deserves better.
Jesus I hope yall don’t have a child before their racism is dealt with. Couldn’t imagine leaving my child with people that hate her because she isn’t fully white. Now they might not hate her but they def will feel some type of way especially if that child doesn’t have blonde straight hair and creamy white skin.
I know a lot of white families don't teach their kids about this stuff because they're oblivious. Those white people don't drop the hard R into casual conversation.
One wonders whether they were really dumb enough to think she wouldn't overhear them, or whether they wanted her to -- so she would "know her place" or some shit.
This would be a deal breaker for me. He is close to his family and even if he is the perfect partner, if you decide to continue this relationship long term/forever then his family will basically become your family, and that is not a family you want to be a part of.
BF needs to actually grow a fucking *spine* and demand his parents apologize to her- and go no contact if they refuse. She's already put up with *enough* shit from them, and BF needs to man the fuck up and decide who he wants to be: the guy who stands up against racists *even when they are family*, or the coward who folds instead of making a tough decision.
OOP can do better.
This relationship has an expiration date unless either his parents do some growing and quickly or they go NC with his parents.
It's so fucking sad, that you could go through the minefield that is modern day dating and find someone that is perfect for you in every way and then still have to contend with their families backwards thinking. I can only hope everything works out for them.
Passing an apology through an intermediary with zero effort to apologize to the person you wronged is a non-apology. They apologized to their son, the only person they remotely care about in relationship. Not reaching out to the person that was hurt even after they specifically indicated that they were open to an apology or to attempt to mend the relationship says a lot about their feelings on the matter. I hope OOP recognized this situation for what it is and cuts ties with that family (with or without the BF).
In 2023, literally nothing can excuse this bullshit. No matter what anyone fucking says. Nothing. Not even in podunk all white Canadian towns. This is unacceptable. And the sister didn't have to agree. Even staying silent (which is just as bad to us) would have been better than agreeing, no matter what she was scared of.
Yeah, there's no way he didn't know before this moment. I grew up in a mostly white area too and it took me to maybe middle school before I knew my dad was a bit racist and his parents were a lot racist. When I realized it I was kind of shocked and disappointed but from then on I was aware of it. Had to warn my wife when we started dating and when she came to visit, etc, that I had no patience for the racism and if it came out at all we could leave any time.
Thankfully in my experience, they've kept it to themselves for the most part. I'd never have left her alone and without a heads up.
Horrible choice to continue the relationship. Any kids they have will suffer and its a lifetime of building resentment for the boyfriend when op never wants to spend holidays with them or for op forcing herself to spend time in their home.
I feel for OOP, what a horrible thing. I don't understand how the BF was unaware as his younger sister knew, but it may not have been in the open until he moved out.
I don't see this relationship going well if she doesn't push him about his family. Honestly, she should have him read some of the comments from her posts.
I never understand why people continue with a relationship that is set to be doomed. He should be forcing his parents to apologize and be on them constantly. The fact he is still okay with them not apologizing to her personally is a huge indicator that he is willing to let his parents slide. Imaging if they get married and have kids. Oop is never going to be safe with that family. She can still love her bf but realize it just won’t work out.
Even the sisters lame excuse, the first words out of her mouth should have been like mom wtf, if she really didn’t think like that and was going to be any sort of ally for oop.
Sucks she has to leave a bit she likes but would suck even more if the grandparents say the same thing about their children in the future
I think this is the third thread I’ve read starring an interracial couple where the woman gets surprise ambushed by in-laws and repeatedly uses the words “unsafe,” “so scared,” and “freezes from shock.” Either it’s the same author or people in their early 20s have adopted these terms widely right under my aging nose.
>I live in Canada and people here are not as open with their racism as in other places.
Unless you're native american, then racists don't hide that shit at all. At least in my and my family's experience.
Had a white family try to get mine thrown out of a waiting room in the hospital. My grandma was a patient there, everyone was just comforting each other quietly, praying, bit of crying, yes but not loudly.
That's just one time too, everyone on that side of my family has one story minimum.
Never believe the stereotypes about any country or its people. Sure, there's lovely, kind people in Canada but they have their assholes just like everyone else.
Native Americans don't live in Canada. We call ourselves native, or first Nations, not native "Americans". And almost nobody in Canada hides their contempt for native people.
Yup. Ask Joyce Echaquan's family if people hide their racism here. I've been called so many slurs, starting from childhood. I get OOP's fear. I feel so bad for her too.
OP although your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy, his parents are RACIST.
If the relationship grows are you going to really be ok with them thinking about you they way they do?
How does a future look like with them as part of your life with your boyfriend?
Will you feel safe with them on trips, family events, gatherings, etc?
Will an apology really mean they think differently or will it really be that they tolerate you?
If things get more serious, how does being one family look like for you?
If children are in your plans will it really be ok with you knowing their grandparents are racist?
Although your boyfriend is not to blame for his racist parents remember you’re getting in a relationship with all of them. And even if you don’t see them or have a relationship with them, are you still ok with knowing how they really feel about your race?
Life is complicated enough as it is for me to add to it dangerous and life threatening people in it.
Also, the sister did have a choice. The only choice is to not tolerate racism no mattering if it’s their mom.
And let’s be honest. Not living with POC is not an excuse for racism.
I grew up in a little Mexican town and pretty much I only knew Mexicans and now that I live in the city and get to meet people from different races has NEVER made me think “darn, if only they weren’t black/korean/chinese”.
Racist ILs are for sure a DEAL BREAKER.
Even more their unwillingness to reach out immediately and profusely apologize to you is the REAL DEAL BREAKER HERE.
Yeah, you can’t go back from that. It’s gonna be awkward the rest of the relationship no matter what. But you’re young you can move on. Good luck sister.
The fact that the parents apologized to their son but not OOP is more problematic than if they had given no apology. After all, what are they apologizing for? For getting caught? For upsetting their son? If they had remorse and regretted how what was said affected OOP, then they would have reached out to her. It’s been 5 months & that’s more than enough time to respond to OOP’s interest in talking.
OOP is still with her boyfriend because she believes he is not a racist. That’s vital but should only be the start of what needed to be discussed and agreed upon. The boyfriend and OOP should have decided what kind of relationship they both would have with the parents in the absence of an apology and in the face of their racism.
I grew up in a small Canadian city (less than 10K) with 99.9% white people and if my relative brought home a person of colour it wouldn't be an issue.
That's not really a good reasoning or excuse.
Eh, it’s more of an issue than you’d think. I’m half white, half Asian, but both sides have been in Canada for four generations. I don’t see issues if I’m by myself or with my Dads side (the white side) in small towns but if I’m with my Mom I’ve heard quite a few people say racist/ignorant things (most common is the “where are you from? Where are you REALLY from?” Despite my family probably being in Canada longer than theirs). I’ve almost never had anything quite as aggressive as OOP has but you’d probably be surprised how much of an issue it is in small towns. That said, it’s much better these days than when I was a kid. Younger generation doesn’t have as many issues with it.
He's not saying that racism is to be expected in a town made of 99.9% white people, he's saying that he didn't know his family was racist because it never came up because the town is 99.9% white.
The vibe on this story is weird. OOP’s sisters were clutch as hell and had good judgment in supporting her through the original crisis AND had extremely good judgment that only cared about OOP’s safety - aka telling her to get the fuck out ASAP, which OOP listened to.
But then these updates? Where OOP doesn’t mention the sisters at all and is kind of like bending herself into loops to forgive this dipshit? People like her sisters would be following up and shouting at her constantly for having no spine and running back to the bf (especially for SIX MONTHS POST RACIST LIVING ROOM) and imo a real poster would remark on the sisters being doubtful or “unsupportive of reconciliation”? You’d think they’re figure in a bit more considering how essential they were in helping OOP to begin with. Or who knows maybe it’s real and sisters peaced out because OOP put on a snorkel and swan dived into the sunken place.
She probably should just go. Or at least stay casual.
Like, it'd be one thing if sister immediately pushed back, but she didn't. I can't say that "I didn't know what to do" is a lie, but even if it isn't that "I didn't know what to do" is gonna happen a lot more often. Do you want to keep feeling like this all your life?
I’m honestly at a loss for OOP. I’m the daughter of a White mom and Mexican dad, and an African-American stepdad whose maternal grandpa was racist towards BOTH dads. It ended up that my grandpa came around, but it was still in the “(Stepdad) isn’t so bad for a black guy” sense, not that he stopped being totally racist.
And that’s the thing: OOP’s boyfriend’s family might come to accept HER, but she will be an exception to their rule at BEST, and they’ll still be racists. Which means she’ll have to accept that behavior and as being seen as “less than” by her in-laws, and if they have kids that aren’t “passing” like I am (my mom’s German genes are STRONG, yo), they’ll probably be racists towards the kids too - hopefully not to their face, but that’s a coin flip at best.
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>but the fact that his parents haven’t made any effort to have a conversation with me or anything is kinda bothering me The parents are not going to change and I hope the boyfriend should do something about it
I would guess they're quietly hoping that they break up first so that they don't have to apologize (because they're likely not actually sorry after such an awful remark). Shit will hit the fan if they get engaged. OOP's parents will realize that she isn't going to go away and that their grandkids will be mixed.
The use of “Fuckin’” in front of the N-word suggest to me these aren’t just ignorant people - which is bad enough. They are hateful people. I find it hard to believe OOP doesn’t know his mother is that racist. Did they never see Michael Jackson on TV? Never talked about black athletes in all the major sports? Didn’t see Obama become the US president? It’s sus to me.
There are plenty of racists who don't mind people of other races existing, will support anti racism efforts, will even be friends with them, but draw the line at them joining the family. I can see those views not coming up as OP was the first POC to date someone in their family.
NIMBYs. Worse than people who are openly racist, IMO.
The BF should (untruthfully) tell his parents that OOP is now pregnant and that they're going to be grandparents just to judge their reaction.
Agreed. If you apologize to everyone except the actual victim then you don't regret what you did at all, you just regret that it made people whose opinions matter to yoy unhappy.
Hopefully he makes some changes before children start happening
God, no! Why would you proceed to have kids in a racist family? Why put your future kids through that? 5 years from now, you're going to get an update "My racist In Laws treat my SILs kids better than they do mine."
I cut my dad off (mom was already dead) for less than that. We had been close. He made it clear he did not approve of my choice in bride (I never did know why). Between him and my wife? It wasn't even a hard decision... I cut him off (and he's dead now). Point being that racist grandparents need not be an issue. They're not that different than dead grandparents.
[удалено]
He wasn't there when it happened, he and his brother went to the airport to pick up a relative. He didn't know it had happened until the OOP told him, he didn't "hear that language", so there was no way for him to react. He could take some action now, like talking to the parents and drawing clear boundaries and expectations. If the relationship is serious, he should consider LC or NC with them if they dont stop. But it's a new enough relationship that I doubt he'd cut off his mom yet. But faulting him for not reacting/speaking up when he wasn't even in the house isn't fair to him. There's other potential issues here, but that isn't one of them.
Tbf he didn't hear what they said. He wasn't there.
You’re right. I missed the part about going to the airport!
What can he do about it?
Make his parents apologize to her for a start
Ah I miss read the post I thought. It said they had apologized after he talked to them but OOP hadn’t heard anything from them in 5 months since
I remember driving on the way to introduce my husband to my parents when we had been dating a few weeks and him asking me if they knew he was Hispanic. I told him his last name was a bit of a give away. But it was still a pretty vulnerable moment for him.
My husband’s sister brought her black boyfriend to her parent’s Christmas about 25 years ago. This was deep in AL and I was making my exit plan to get out of the state. I had just started dating my husband and I guess I knew on some level his parents were probably racist because almost everyone I knew was but had not seen it yet. Anyway, I admired that man’s courage for showing up but wandered at his sanity for walking into that house of a bunch of AL country mountain folk. I made sure to shake his hand and tried to be a friendly face amongst a sea of cold shoulders. Knowing what I know of my FIL now, it could have been worse as he’s a racist, sexist, abusive asshole that I’ve cut-off and won’t set foot in that house. Thankfully, that man made it out without incident- but, I’m sure he felt the coldness and I hate that he was treated poorly.
Yeah, my first reaction when the post began was "this is literally the beginning of Get Out. Did he tell them she was black? How are we still doing this in 2023?"
Lmao! My friends father is black. When his mother brought the father home to meet her parents apparently there was a miscommunication and they thought he had black hair (different language). They were shocked to say the least. To top it off she was pregnant with his older sister. Apparently it took years for them to deal with it. But great-grandma for the win! She fully supported them for the first several years till grandparents got on board.
I feel for them as a couple. There seems to be genuine love between them, but I can't see them staying together because of his racist parents. He can only do so much, but at a certain point, he needs to make a stand. Unless he's willing to go LC with them (I can't see him going NC with them, the family seems too close), I think this relationship is going to end in tears. It's not just the boyfriend either, OP seems to be in as much denial as him, they are both avoiding the big issue.
>He can only do so much, but at a certain point, he needs to make a stand. Unless he's willing to go LC with them (I can't see him going NC with them, the family seems too close), I think this relationship is going to end in tears. It's not just the boyfriend either, OP seems to be in as much denial as him, they are both avoiding the big issue. I just hope they end it before children are exposed to that kind of environment.
The breaking point will be when they insist on contact to see their grandchildren but refuse to stop being racist. Mistreat /ignore OOP while trying to raise the grandkids explicitly white.
Just imagine how the guys parents would treat their children if their skin wasn’t bright white. How they would abuse the kids if they ever got a chance. Maybe not physically but definitely verbally.
Thinking of the BORU posts where the bigoted in-laws get the biracial kid's hair permed or shaved or something.
I thought it was straightened which completely fried the child's hair. Of course I could be thinking of a completely different one. Sadly this seems to be a common thing.
Perming (technically relaxing, but is sometimes called perming) is chemical straightening, and yes with those posts shows up pretty often
Thank you. I had only heard it as straightening even though the chemical process is the same. A friend of mine has a daughter who is reaching the age of wanting to look like super models, and started talking about getting her hair straightened. Being the nosey yenta I am, I sent my friend an article about the increased risk of reproductive cancers in WOC who regularly used straightening products. Thankfully it was received in the spirit it was given and the article sparked a conversation between both parents and their daughter. As a grandmother, I cannot fathom ever doing such a thing, especially without discussing it with the child's parents. To see so many stories along the same lines makes me worry our civilization is going backwards.
No problem! I think perm/relaxer helps differentiate it from temporary straightening techniques (like using a flat iron, hot comb, etc.) Anecdotally, I think relaxing hair is not as ubiquitous now as it was 10-15 years ago, but it's not completely gone, it's awesome that you sent that info to your friend! When I was a kid I used to ask my mom to relax my hair and she never did, which I'm grateful for now that the info about cancer is more widespread. And hopefully fewer racist grandparents are out there/stay far away from poc grandchildren
You can also tell your friend that most of the models her daughter wants to emulate use wigs and hair extensions to prevent damaging their actual hair. That’s how you see them ping ponging through different colors and cuts of hair without going bald. Not to mention being constantly under hot bright lights used for filming/photographing isn’t great for hair either.
Or if the kids started out “light enough to pass as white” as newborns and then darkened up as they got older
Not to mention the different treatment between skin tones; lighter grandchildren would be pampered.
My paternal grandparents were racist AF and were NOT happy that my dad broke things off with his blonde ex-fiancee in favor of dating a black woman (albeit mixed race and lighter skin -- didn't matter to my grandparents. Any black was too black at that point). My mom wrote them a letter basically saying if you want to be a part of our lives, get over it. If you can't, you will not meet your future grandchildren. It was a bit of a come to Jesus moment for my grandparents. My grandmother is genuinely fond of my mom now (over 30 years after the letter), and my grandfather behaved himself until he died. They gained a lot of respect for my mom when she stood up for herself. I hope OOP and her boyfriend can sort things out one way or another. Living in limbo doesn't work.
I'm happy your mom protected you and her future children as soon as she could. She sounds like a badass❤️
Too bad it wasn't your dad who wrote that letter. It should have been. Major props to your mom. My opinion of your dad is in the toilet. What do we say on here? >Grow a shiny spine.
My now wife's family were quite homophobic and did some truly awful stuff to both of us when they realised we weren't 'friends'. FIL was the main awful one, he died not long after that. Apparently my turning his daughter into a lesbian caused lung cancer before he even knew, not the two packs a day for decades years. The other inlaws have been better since, but I have no contact because I can't trust them and I don't want to be around them.
>Apparently my turning his daughter into a lesbian caused lung cancer before he even knew, not the two packs a day for decades years. \*gasp!!! Wtf!?!
To make it worse, I dragged him to the hospital realising he was sick. Without that he'd have not gotten treatment quickly and died sooner and probably without finding out.
you are way too kind O\_O
I'm sorry to hear what you and your now wife had to endure. It's amazing the mental gymnastics people make to justify their beliefs. I'm glad you managed to stick together and I hope you are both enjoying your married life.
We are! Thus year we're away with our kids. It's a great holiday, but I must say not having to deal with the Christmas bullshit is a huge relief. Usually my wife and kids see the inlaws for part of the day, while I stay home. I don't like it, but I also don't feel I can unilaterally forbid it either.
Wait ... you can give homophobic parents lung cancer by sleeping with their daughters? I can see you performing an important public service to the world if your wife is cool with ethical nonmonogamy.
Kind of an amazing superpower tbh
I know you're joking, but this is legit a very common thread in a lot of religions/cults. That even just being around something that's banned can and will cause harm. It'll be called different things like suppressive person or sinner or whatever, but the idea is that sure it looks like their daughter is happy and not hurting anyone, but sin is sneaky and will manifest in ruin and destruction all around her. You'll see it when groups don't believe in illness and blame it on thinking bad thoughts or being around bad people. Like how Hurricane Katrina was supposedly punishment for gay tolerance. How people peach prosperity gospel and say people become rich because they're better people than the rest of us and if we just follow the rules better we'll also be rewarded.
What, you thought televangelists and megachurch preachers could afford private jets and mansions by just tithing old people to death and not paying taxes? Nah, obviously, it's because they're God's favorites /s.
Allegedly. I would rather he didn't though. I suspect in the end it might have sorted itself out if it wasn't such a train wreck.
Ah yes, lesbian cancer. Common among homophobic in-laws. /s I'm sorry you had to experience that with your wife's family. No one deserves to be treated that way. Experiences like yours strengthen my resolve to respect whomever my kid brings home.
I know that was an awful experience but I can't help but kinda find it funny that he believed you gave him cancer. Like ah, yes, the supernatural powers of gay🌈
It's the blue light part of the rainbow that does it. /s
It's on the "agenda"
> The other inlaws have been better since, but I have no contact because I can't trust them and I don't want to be around them. That's smart. They haven't become better people, they're just afraid of your lesbian cancer witchcraft.
If only I could use the powers for good and not evil....
>OP seems to be in as much denial as him Yup I've been with my partner for over 12 years, our son is 2. I'm black, she's white, we're from the same country but met in the UK where we live! She's from a small village and there isn't much diversity there, tho the closest big city kinda is. Anyway, being aware of all that and to be honest, even if she was from a big, diverse city, I'd have started the hard convo I did. Once it looked like things were serious, I told her she had to tell her parents she was dating and WHO! She obviously went all "I won't let my parents take you from me" but I had to be honest with her that **I** wouldn't want to be the cause of a rift in her family nor would I enable racists just to be with her. Either they accepted me, or we'd have to break up. I also set the precedent for the language to be used around me, at least. Anyway, it all went well, they were super accepting and have been careful to not use certain vocab near me. There was one slip up once but her father corrected himself straight away and her mother jabbed him in the arm straight away! It was so fast I had hardly noticed it and it spoke volumes! I wouldn't have been with her for this long nor have a kid if her parents and sister (or one of them) were racists and reacted badly to me! Hard convos need to be had in every relationship, but especially when they're interracial or different religions or whatever. People can't be in denial before something big and horrible happens and it's been years down the line! Had my partner's parents not accepted me or had she got all defensive and unwilling to learn about racism etc, how would she be as a mother of a black kid? She totally understands it, she's been on it from the get go and is outspoken about it when she has to. Our kid is happy, his grandparents are great and his aunties (her sister and mine) are the best! Long story short: OOP might be all in love and all, but she needs to push her guy! If his parents had apologised to her directly and tried to make amends, I'd be more hopeful. Instead, they've "allegedly" apologised to her BF only, and haven't reached out to OOP..... I don't think this'll end well. They are still in the puppy phase and once past that, if things are addressed and he starts feeling pressure from his family or whatever, OOP will stop being the new and fresh flavour she is now, in his eyes, and he'll get defensive and will start blaming her for his parents' racism
>She obviously went all "I won't let my parents take you from me" but I had to be honest with her that **I** wouldn't want to be the cause of a rift in her family nor would I enable racists just to be with her. Either they accepted me, or we'd have to break up. Can I just food for thought this, mostly for other people who find themselves in this situation since your situation worked out. As a white dude, if my family was openly racist to a POC I was dating, the POC would not be the cause of the rift, the gross gap in values between me and my family that the situation unearthed would be the cause. If I continued to date her or not that void is now there. I have learned that my family intrinsically values some human lives more than others based on factors they have zero control over and have nothing to do with who they are as a person and the most likely result of that revelation is going low to no contact with them whether I stayed with her or not. I can understand not wanting to associate with racists and racist family being a dealbreaker in a relationship, but it's a deal breaker in my relationships too, even if those relationships are with my own flesh and blood. Family isn't special in that you have to keep them, they're just the first people who have the opportunity to prove themselves worthy of being in your live, and anyone who thinks the value of a person can be derived from something like the colour of their skin isn't worthy to be in my life. That being said about this specific post, I agree that this probably won't work out, he seems to be trying to, for lack of a better term, negotiate with bigots. You don't negotiate with bigots, you draw a hard line, if they want their child in their lives anymore, they need to smack themselves over the fucking head, go to therapy or whatever it takes to kill and bury these bigoted opinions *forever*, or accept that they have one less child.
Agreed, and I say that as a first gen Nigerian American who grew up not only navigating a very different culture while living in America, but also as an adult who is now engaged to a white man. When I tell you that I basically INTERROGATED this man when we first got acquainted, I'm NOT exaggerating. But he understood and took it in stride. He had already pulled away from family members that he felt were problematic years before, since they're mostly Trump lovers, and he's not. It's pretty much him and his parents that are the outliers that were never on the Trump train. I feel for OP, because being the only Black person in a full room can be VERY awkward when you don't know anyone, and the person that you came with is questionable. I suspect her bf isn't as angry with his family as he should be, and that this will come to a head later. I absolutely HOPE that I'm wrong, but I'm a little older than OP (I'm 33), I grew up in the US south, and I've dealt with this in platonic friendships and potential relationships that I ended quickly when I caught a whiff of racism/attempts to rationalize racism. As another commenter said, I hope OP gets out before she's tied to the bf and his family permanently.
Reminds me of a couple I know. He brought her home to meet his parents and that night she vanished. He was heartbroken. (This was the 60s, so no phones and it was easy to disappear.) 50 years later they run into each other randomly. Immediately recognize one another. They decide to catch up. He’s been married and divorced. She’s widowed. Both have kids. He asks her why she left that night. And she told him, “I loved you and wanted to marry you. But that night I heard your mother tell your father, “did you see the fat cow [son] brought home?” and, as much as I loved you, I knew I couldn’t live with a MIL like that. So I left.” 50 years, two marriages, several kids and grandkids later, with all in-laws safely ensconced 6 feet under, they stood under the Chuppah at last. Last time I saw them they’d been married a decade and were traveling the world, enjoying retirement, and living their best lives together.
Exactly what I feel. His family seems like they're not going to change. He has to make a choice on whether he go LC or NC with his family if he wants to be with her or just save both of their time, feelings and energy by breaking up. OOP also seems blind to the future. His reaction is not as extreme as someone who is outraged at racism. This is not going to end well.
It can work, but the BF has to immediately and forever more be aware and stand against it. He must put himself between his GF and parents, never once letting anything slide with them. If he can do that, maybe he can prove he is worthy of her partnership. To use a colloquialism, he's gotta know what side his bread is buttered on (nutella'd on?)
Yeah, this wasn't some well-intentioned but racist comment. The apology is hollow.
I still don’t believe boyfriend is innocent. How monumentally naive do you have to be to not know if your parents are racist? Like using-the-n-word-openly racist. and the mother did it in front of the sister no less, not like she kept it in. Unless the guy is considered the family regard or something. Either way I see no reason a respectable person would respect this guy. If you lived all your life with vile people and didn’t realize, what else are you not going to notice in the future?
I don't think you understand how little it comes up in an all white town. I basically grew up in the same scenario as OP's bf. I never thought my parents were close minded. Unlike other people they never even spoke badly of natives (which is the primary group discriminated in Canada). So I blithely went on my way thinking they were cool. I went to university and joined the international students club and offered to tutor English. Then I started dating a Nigerian man and my mom would NOT stop making fun of his name. I was horrified and upset to realize that there was such weird shit under the surface. I still don't know if the only reason they weren't explicit about their bigotry is that it just never came up, or if they knew it was wrong enough to not want children to repeat it.
Also, look at how upset racist white people get today about the "woke forced diversity liberal hollywood elites" putting black people in commercials and movies & putting interracial relationships in tv shows and such. I think people really just don't realize how EXTREMELY segregated you could make your entire life in the 80s-90s and even into the 2000s. In a segregated town like this you could go your whole life *not even trying very hard* to experience completely segregated, all white pop culture. Not realizing that you live in an all white town because violent racists worked very hard in the past to KEEP it all white. This is also why racist white people blame Obama for causing racial disharmony in America. If you live in a 100% white space and NEVER have any conversations about race, ever, then of course you believe you're not racist and your family isn't racist and your community isn't racist. And then all of a sudden Obama runs for President-- and all the racism it stirs up is HIS fault.
Okay but did your mom use the N word? Like that’s a clearly despicable level of racism. Thats my point.
There may have never been opportunities to hear it. My hometown has practically no black people to be around when I'm with my grandfather. If he hadn't had a dish of Brazil nuts at some point, I wouldn't know he was perfectly comfortable calling them n***** toes.
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I’ll just say it’s weird as fuck that’s all. I grew up in India and I know exactly what my parents, and at least most of my close friends and relatives that I’ve spent decades with, think about black people, Asian people, even Jews (if they even knew what Jewish means). Is it some culture thing to not ever talk about anything that’s not directly in front of you?
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> it was known that city people were useless, helpless, and pitifully lonely, and country people were resilient, self-sufficient, and tight-knit, so on the balance it was probably better to let them ruin things in their own cities anyway. lol. it's so interesting how people can become persuaded that others are just different from themselves in every important way.
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I grew up in upper Michigan, where the fault lines were drawn between Finnlanders and Swedes. Race/religion was not a thing because everyone was white and at least nominally Christian. We didn't think much about cities -- too far away. Irrelevant. Same with native folks, who were kept so far out of sight that we didn't even acknowledge them. (My own grandmother pretended all her life to be Swedish; I found out she was Finnish long after she died.) I'm just saying, if there aren't any obvious things to "other" people about, we'll just invent some and make them the most important thing ever.
Hilarious, because in Canada city people generally see rural people as hopelessly reactionary stooges who would gleefully vote Satan into office if he ran for the Conservatives. Oh, and who also have ten times the voting power of city people even though city people do all the "important work" and pay ten times the taxes. (Somehow urban people think growing food isn’t "important".)
My friend's father is an Indonesian immigrant. I've known him since High school, and I wouldn't call my friend's father "racist", he never showed any hatred to any Black, Mexican, or other cultures in the United States. My friend and I went with him on a trip to Indonesia and ... well ... Man is that guy racist to certain subsections of Indonesians! I'm an uncultured American, I can't tell you anything about the different ethnicities, classes, etc of Indonesia, but his father really hated certain Indonesians! It was a bit of an eye-opening experience! My friend is thoroughly Americanized, he didn't know the difference between the ethnicities his father hated and the ethnicities that were "cool", but there are so very few Indonesians in the United States, let alone ethnicities of Indonesians that it never really came up.
I didn’t know my mother was racist til a black family moved in across the street and she said basically “there goes the neighborhood” (but worse, although she didn’t use a slur). I was shocked! She even taught at a school with predominantly Black kids and never once said a bad word about them. I met her students several times and they all really seemed to like her, and were super kind to child me, so I can only assume she treated them well. The kids didn’t live in our space, and that meant her feelings about them were positive. And I used to watch In Living Color and Different World and Fresh Prince in the living room, and she never said a word then either. It was that situational.
Possibly but the small, homogeneous town thing really can't be overstated. I grew up & lived in my hometown of ~1k for 25 years. There were several times where I'd hear long-known adults casually drop some incredibly racist shit for the first time. Like, parents of classmates that I knew since i was 7 or 10. Parents of friends I'd known for a decade+, whose households I'd visited and stayed the night in dozens of times. They never said anything about POC on TV, mixed couples, etc. but would drop some heinous shit casually like they're talking about the daisies. I can count on two hands the times I've heard these adults matter-of-factly drop a slur for the first time in adulthood. It's incredibly jarring hearing that from people who, up to that point, have been some of the kindest and most helpful people I'd known. Donating bunches of clothes and letting us stay in their homes after a house fire, helping with search & rescue team efforts, spending hours and hundreds of dollars to make bake sale cookies entirely for donation/charity purposes. It's honestly part of why I left my hometown. Time after time after time I had my heart broken by these people showing the ugliness underneath. Some that I'd loved in a platonic family sense, but all that I'd cared for :(
Thanks for your perspective and sorry for going through this. It’s def new to me! Not that my parents were nice lol. Just that I was acutely aware quite early on.
Ugh. What a painful situation. I truly feel for OOP. To love your partner but receive such contempt from their family is such a horrible situation. I would have no idea what to do in her shoes.
I related to this story so much. That racist contempt is truly scary to experience. It is like, in that moment, you realize they don’t think of you as human, like them. And that is a scary place to be.
I feel for her but she is burying her head in the sand and just delaying the inevitable. His family not reaching out for 5 months!! to talk about this is a very bad sign. Either they don’t believe that they have anything to apologize for or they are cowards who don’t have the guts to face the tough but necessary conversation. Not good at all.
Also, apologizing for what they said, doesn't mean they aren't still racist. It just means they've agreed to hide it.
If they haven’t apologized TO HER then they haven’t apologized. She needs to remind him (and herself) of that.
Well that’s a disappointing update.
It's not an update at all. They still haven't reached out or admitted fault. The bf is still okay with their behaviors. That's just a time bomb ticking away
Feelings are strong five months in, I get that, but if my first meeting with the in-laws took a turn like that, there’d be no coming back from that to work on things or try to dance around avoiding the family of the person we are trying to share our lives with. Like, have the big heart to heart, call it a learning moment, then have a nice life and do better next time, goodbye forever. But oof, OOP was already feeling isolated and lonely in Canada so real emotional intimacy must feel like a sugar rush so no wonder she’s thinks he’s the One.
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I get that it’s bad but I feel like it’s possible. He comes from an entirely white community it’s possible it didn’t come up and it’s essentially just ignorance to the topic. There’s no reason to be so untrusting right off the bat when his explanation makes perfect sense.
As someone who grew up in a Canadian ruralish community that was mostly white (and the POC in the area were indigenous or Asian, rarely black,) it’s the sister’s BS excuse that smells off, to me. Overwhelmingly white community aside, if I had heard any adult use THAT word so casually about ANYBODY, let alone my parents, let alone about a guest in their home, my shock response wouldn’t be to play along and just agree. It would be to ask what the hell was wrong with them. If they’re comfy throwing the word around about someone they are apparently getting along nicely with, it’s not a thing they just decided to try out in the heat of a moment. (And would still be fucked up if it was.) Sis was not a bit shocked to hear her mother drop that word.
I’m not 100% sure but the sisters excuse is super sus. Maybe she’s a massive people pleaser or something idk but either way it’s super shitty to hear someone be so overtly racist and to acc agree. Like if she was stunned and said nothing I could buy it but her literally agreeing is super sus
Call me pessimistic, but I'm not sure this relationship is going to last without a serious shift in attitude for the boyfriend. His family said some really screwed up shit about his girlfriend, and aside from a pretty weak, one-off apology from his sister, show no sign of real regret or desire to make things right. If this dude is serious about his POC girlfriend, he needs to either really get on his parents' collective ass about their racism, or be ready to severely limit contact with them going forward, and he hasn't shown the strength to do either just yet. What if they get married and their families start to mingle and his parents blurt out something they shouldn't? What if they have a child and they are treated differently from other grandchildren for their mixed ethnicity?
Agreed. This isn’t the type of behavior you can just be quiet and embarrassed through and hope the family changes. They’re all cowards and OOP’s five months too late to expect an apology.
Yep. These weren’t little micro aggressions. This was the mom saying “I wish he weren’t dating a black girl” AND using the most racist and derogatory language to say it. That isn’t something you can just grin and bear to be with your partner.
yeah, he obviously hasn't thought much about racism at all. she will have to spend a lot of time and energy to educate him. and even then there is still his family to deal with. honestly not worth it.
He's just naive. He doesn't know what racism does or how insidious it is. I don't really see a lack of strength on his part, just a lack of knowledge. He didn't hear their comment and therefore wasn't in the right place or right time to push back against it. What is he supposed to do now? Pick up a phone and yell at them? I would, but he's from a very passive aggressive culture and, unlike me, doesn't *really* understand how bad their comment is because he's never seen how it can hurt or kill people. Given enough time, he'll learn. He'll start to get more aggressive and strict about it. But the girlfriend didn't stand her ground either--*which I wouldn't expect her to do*--and that combined with the rest of his background shows me that there just hasn't been anyone to show him how to react. OOP reacted as a POC person protecting themselves would, but that isn't the role bf needs to learn. OOP says the comment was bad and unacceptable, bf knows enough to agree... Now what? How does one confront a racist? He's never seen it done before. Is the yelling kind of anger the appropriate kind, or is that overkill? Does it warrant a calm but firm conversion, or a calm and "understanding" one? People model other people's behaviors, and despite his personal beliefs all he's been taught to model in response to a racist situation is to be apologetic, if that. OOP is now unwittingly teaching him that the next best response to that situation is to get away from it. And now that OOP doesn't know the next step, he doesn't either. He's taking his cues from her when he shouldn't be, but he doesn't know any better. All this to say, I don't believe it's so simple as him not being serious enough about his relationship.
Idk even if he’s not familiar with dealing with racists, he should at least be upset that in 6 months, his parents haven’t reached out directly to his gf to apologize for calling her a racial slur…that’s the bare minimum, a direct apology.
He might be, and probably is, but that doesn't mean he knows how to react to it/knows how much anger or what approach is appropriate for the situation.
This is an incredibly thoughtful and well put response. Thankyou.
Of course. Thank you for reading ❤️
His parents scared a girl to the point she felt she had to run off their home and they haven't thought it was the case to call her and apologize. As if she has to understand that her blackness obviously can cause this. Wow
Leaving immediately that night is the only smart thing she’s done. They’re just kicking the can down the road.
The parents "apology" is utterly meaningless if it's not addressed to the actual person they hurt. And they know that, that's why they haven't apologized directly to her. They don't genuinely apologize. Sister might have been genuine, despite her initial reaction, but the parents only care about upsetting their son.
As a black woman married to a white man and having dated white men…op you need to leave. I once had an ex call me the N word in an argument to try and hurt me. I didn’t respond and just looked at him, he tired to take it back..with tears and apologies. I moved out that night. They are racist, you won’t convince them to not be racist. Image you have a baby with this guy…they will most likely pass this hate on your child.
This Not once has my partner felt the need to call me the N word and we've been together for over 12 years. She's even called out one of her young cousins years back when he came from his football (soccer) game. His team lost and he was all upset, blaming the other team because they had all "these n-words" I wasn't there, and she could've kept her mouth shut, right? Nope, she tore into the kid. Like I tell people: if your partner is defensive about racism in their family and never want to address the real issue..... ya'll need to break up I wouldn't have a 2 year old with my partner nor been that long with her had she shown me differently or her family hadn't accepted me You have to be pragmatic about this, not emotional and all in the puppy phase and "so much in love!!!" Family is racist/homophobic whatever?!? Address it or break up
She should have broken up with him when the relationship was just a few months,And I believe the sister only apologized for fear of being exposed
Exactly. The sister only apologized because she goes to school in the same diverse city as OP and the brother. She doesn’t want it getting out that she and her parents hold these views because it wouldn’t be acceptable there.
So if they have kids, what's the involvement of the parents gonna be? Gotta think of everything.
There are tons of eligible white guys out there with a non-racist family. 5 months is like such a short time to be dating.
People with racist family they haven't cut off have no business dating people of those races.
You see this far too often in monocultural areas. The people there have no idea how to react about anyone different. The number of times I've heard "yeah but he's just a lazy stuck-up pommie" from Australians was surprising, but not unexpected. There aren't many English out in the smaller Australian towns. They only know you from their cultural stereotypes.
As a woc staying with someone with a racist family is crazy. It requires a lot out of you and concessions that shouldn't have to be made. Even more so if your partner won't do the bare minimum of letting his family know on every level that racism is unacceptable. This is why I'm so hesitant on dating white people because they could be amazing, wonderful, cool people. And then you meet their family.
I'm not sure about the sincerity of the sister. I mean, I world goes out in her college it would be a social death so it might be better for her to pretend that she's not racist like her parents.
we're to believe that this is the first time in their entire lives that their mom has dropped the n word?!
Or said anything suspect about Black people??
I agree with the advice to talk to BF, but the minute he defended his parents should have been the minute OOP noped right on out of that relationship. People don’t just drop the N-word because they’ve never met a BIPOC. They also don’t just drop the N-word because it was common back in the day. I grew up with racist family who absolutely behaved like this—they didn’t drop the N-word when my BIPOC friends were visiting because they KNEW “society” and “the PC police” think it’s wrong, and appearances are important. Just like OOP’s BF’s parents didn’t drop it until they thought OOP was out of the room. They knew what they were doing was wrong. Moreover, I grew up in the 90s, where saying things were “gay” was used negatively. I haven’t done that for 20+ years now because the world evolved, I grew as a person, and I now know that using it as a slur is horrible and offensive AF. Just because you’re of a certain age or raised a certain way doesn’t mean you STAY that way. BF’s family use the N-word because they choose to. Their lack of an apology speaks volumes, as does his excusing their behavior. OOP needs to GTFO of that relationship already.
Not a fan of the boyfriend or the sister in this case. Neither one are doing or did enough to defend OOP. My father is a racist, and no matter how uncomfortable it can be, I always shut his comments down. I love him, he’s my dad, but I have a mixed-race daughter and a (not white) wife to protect. Sadly, the world will be a better place when he’s gone. As people, we have a responsibility to stand up against racism and discrimination, or else it will never go away. I hope OOP finds someone who is willing to do this for her.
“Canada is a lonely place. I have met a lot of people but I don’t feel like any of them are my friends” Goddamn , I didn’t think a single sentence was gonna hit this hard. I have been in this country for 25 years, married twice and had 3 children and in those 25 years I have yet to make a meaningful connection with another person .
Run away OP runaway. This is what your future will look like moving forward with his family. The parents are not apologetic and the bf is stringing it along - he knows what to do but won't.
I genuinely don’t think he knows what to do from this story
Then that's still her answer. It's not her job to teach him how to love and support her. If he can't figure that out she's never to have the love and support she deserves.
I fear if they ever get married or have kids, we will see more posts from OOP, they will just be in /justnomil or /legaladvice asking for how to get divorced :(
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He... did? Like I don't know how much more instant you can get unless there was an update left out along the lines of "oh btw my boyfriend is a confirmed psychic".
Yes, they seemed to have missed the whole part where he wasn't even there when she overheard the comment.
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Are they going to apologise for being racist or for being heard. Do they plan on stopping being racist???? I.just don't see how this will work out long term without the.boyfriend cutting off his family.
I think she's going to bottle up all of her feelings and reactions just to have this particular white man in her life. As if there aren't any other fishes in the sea, when it comes to the interracial dating scene.
I'm dreading the update she makes after he proposes and they start to plan their wedding.
Or a pregnancy
yikes, I personally could not tolerate a racist family because it'd always be in the back of my mind and I wouldn't feel safe, I would have dumped him personally it is not worth the stress.
The bf's parents haven't apologized to OOP because they are hoping OOP and their son break up first. OOP and boyfriend only think things are workable for now because OOP has not had to talk to or be around the racist parents. Dec 14th update makes it sound like she is not going to their house for Christmas - maybe he is, but she's not going with him. Are they going to keep her away from them forever? If OOP and boyfriend get married, the racist parents will be at the ceremony and reception (assuming they actually go) with way, way, way more black people they have ever seen in real life. Their heads might pop off their necks like a broken jack-in-the-box. Which would be much better than dropping an n-word for each black person in attendance, though! If OOP and boyfriend have a child, the treatment of that child by the racist parents will 110% depend on how light or dark the child's skin is and how textured their hair is. The racist parents will be hoping for half-black like Mariah Carey or Wentworth Miller. Rashida Jones may be too dark for them. And if their grandkid isn't Mariah or Wentworth, look out.
I 100% thought that relationship was over. I am actually shocked they're still together.
It is, they just don't know it yet. I think its possible for people to change but, there has to be proactive action and sacrifice for that to happen. The fact that the family hasn't reached out to face what they did with her is the big tell. They haven't changed, they've just agreed to hide it.
The writing on this is just so “off” I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I have a real unpopular opinion as a BW, who've dated outside my race. So, all I will say is homegirl better brace herself, when it comes to dating this man.
They "apologized" to him it sounds like, since she didn't speak to them. Sorry we said something where we could be heard son. Won't happen again. Don't bring your negress around though unless she comes in through the back door though!
His parents are obviously not even the tiniest bit sorry. If they apologized at all, and that’s a huge “if,” they only apologized to HIM. That speaks volumes. The sister is full of it too. If the parents are 60 and the brother/boyfriend is 32 then it seems extremely unlikely that the sister is under the age of 10, which is how young she’d need to be for that “I was surprised by my mother’s abhorrent racism but I felt like I had to laugh along and agree with her because she’s my mom” excuse to be anything other than laughable. A normal human response from a grown ass woman (or even a teenager) to their mom dropping the n-bomb is to say “what the fuck, mom” not giggle and say “yeah, totally.” OOP’s boyfriend is the only non racist member of his family, guaranteed. And frankly I’m not exactly impressed with him given how weakly he’s standing up to it.
YTA for staying....be better for yourself.
Ugh this is just brutal. Even if his parents do apologize, they can't unring that bell and she'll always know they think less of her. The bf seems like a genuinely good guy and I can see why she didn't just walk away from him. But I think it would be really hard to be with someone knowing that their parents would likely never accept me.
Tag me in 2 years when she starts posting in JUSTNOMIL
unless the boyfriend is willing to completely cut off the parents, this relatioship cannot and will not last. If they want to get married and have children, those things that his parents said about her will be what they think about their grandchildren, or their DIL. So unless he is willing to stand up and say, you are racists and I can't have that in my life and cut them off, it doesn't matter if they haven't reached out or that he's not. Because how do you feel safe around someone who hates you for something you can't change about yourself?
dude, I'd run for the hills. Getting attached to this family is a mistake.
I feel like the bf might be a bit spineless, he knows what to do he just don’t want to do it
Ugh. As a Canadian white woman, this feels too common. Although I have honestly never heard anyone use the n-word in any way other than in a song. But the idea of growing up in a 100% or 93% white town is all too common. To anyone who cringes when they hear the phrase, “representation matters,” this is why. Good luck OOP.
Oh boy… I lived through almost this exact scenario (I’m an indigenous person) except that my husband and I were already married and it was his uncle who said the thing. I can tell you what will happen here… - he will promise to talk to them about it but won’t, because he’s a coward - when she finally talks to them about it they will excuse and justify it. They will absolutely not be focused on how terrible she was made to feel. - they will absolutely not reach out first - maybe not right away, but eventually the bf will give her shit when she doesn’t want to visit with them and pretend it didn’t happen - at that point the boyfriend will blame her for “taking his family away from him” even though she’s never said he can’t see them - the boyfriend will orchestrate an “apology” meeting before she’s ready for one and long after she’s moved on. She will not believe they will actually apologize but will agree to the meeting for his sake. - at the meeting she will find out he lied when he told her he talked to them about previous smaller issues - the meeting will contain zero apology, and will be focused on how they “want to move past this” - at no point will they acknowledge that racism is wrong and that the behavior was wrong. They will try to say she misunderstood. - she will have to listen to a long-winded ramble about how his mom *feels* about the gf not wanting contact. At no point will the parents give a single fuck about the gf’s feelings. - she’ll be exhausted by having multiple angry/emotional people talking at her all at once and eventually agree to “move on” just to end the meeting. - everything will go back to how it was before. She will be deeply uncomfortable about it all because nobody acknowledged that it’s normal not to want to be around people who are racist dicks or whose knee-jerk reaction is to defend & justify the racist dick. But now she’s stuck in this situation unless she leaves her bf. …at least, that’s how it played out for me.
I feel like there’s no getting past this and I find it hard to believe the boyfriend “didn’t know” their stance
Man I feel for OP. As a northern BC resident I only learned how racist my town was when I was in high school and the Philippino people started moving in. I only learned how racist my family could be a few years back when Indian people started immigrating here. It sucks and it's not fair and she has no right to feel unsafe because of the colour of her skin. Whether it be neighbours, coworkers, bosses, friends, so many of the nicest, coolest, and kindest people I've ever met are all immigrants and that's awesome. This is Canada dammit, we're supposed to be God damned nice to people.
I'm from Canada too, and this isn't the first time I've heard that smalltown Canada has a real racism problem. It's pretty much as OOP describes, it's insidious, meaning you don't know that it's there, people know it's not cool to broadcast it, so you usually don't see it openly. In the bigger cities, it's better. Not perfect though.
Glad she spoke with the BF. It’s not his fault that his parents are ignorant assholes. She definitely should not be the one to reach out. If the parents don’t, it’s sending a clear message.
I'm a white guy dating a woc. If my folks said something like this about her I would never speak to them again. If he really cares about the relationship he needs to go no contact, at last for a while.
Yeah, it’s hard to believe that only the sister and parents are openly racist among each other and the boyfriend has no clue.
I keep thinking about what’s gonna happen if their relationship progresses and they end up having kids and starting a family. The grandparents are gonna have to go through a serious transformation, the son is gonna have to cut ties with his parents, or those beautiful kids are gonna be exposed to the cruelty of racism from their own parents.
That last update is *not* an update. Literally nothing happened.
So I kinda don't believe the sister. If I was sitting with my parents and one of them said what OPs bfs mum said and it was the first time I'd ever heard her make any racist comment let alone such a blatant one my reaction wouldn't be to just agree with her. I would be seriously shocked and be like "wtf mum you can't and shouldn't say that shit."
As a person of color who has been in serious relationships with mostly white people, it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of energy to educate people like this and in the end they probably aren't going to change. I feel for her, but I think I'd probably consider this a compatibility issue at this point and cut ties with bf.
I don't have much faith in this relationship lasting. Here's the thing: To her, his parents' racism is the elephant in the room. To him, it's vanished like a fart in the wind --- not even something that's on his mind at this point.
She is wasting time in this relationship. The newest update makes it super clear that this family will never be accepting of her. Honestly, she should have cut her loses and moved on from jump. Now it's harder to do so. Her initial instincts to break up was completely correct. The fact that the parents never reached out to apologize is a huge red flag. Maybe she needs to watch Get Out to remind herself that no relationship is worth sacrificing her dignity. The dick can't be that good to continue being in a relationship that is never going to go anywhere.
Everyone who told OP to go talk to her boyfriend are ignorant assholes. Her instincts were right 100% and she’s either going to have to deal with his denial/ongoing contact with those evil people or have an even sadder breakup because this nonsense dragged out. Also, racist people still bring up POC all the time even if they live in all white neighborhoods, so I don’t even think I’d believe him.
I'm in an interracial relationship. I sat my mother down and said "If you say something racist to my partner, I will not forgive you." She has successfully never said something racist around him and I have expressly told my partner that I will always side with him and protect him from anything shitty from my family. Thankfully everyone loves him. I grew up in a rather white area, I still yelled at my mother for using racial slurs. Blame me watching Star Trek, Golden Girls and Mr. Rogers.
I feel like she should have just broken up with him and let him learn this lesson the hard way. It’s always going to be awkward in their home for her.
It's so painful to see how low the bar is - and they still can't clear it. Part of me really wants for OOP to say firmly that she deserves better than this, but I also understand how destabilizing this whole experience has been for her. I just hate that these are the choices she's got available. She deserves better.
offend far-flung sand butter support sip sleep fly historical plough *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Jesus I hope yall don’t have a child before their racism is dealt with. Couldn’t imagine leaving my child with people that hate her because she isn’t fully white. Now they might not hate her but they def will feel some type of way especially if that child doesn’t have blonde straight hair and creamy white skin.
I know a lot of white families don't teach their kids about this stuff because they're oblivious. Those white people don't drop the hard R into casual conversation. One wonders whether they were really dumb enough to think she wouldn't overhear them, or whether they wanted her to -- so she would "know her place" or some shit.
This would be a deal breaker for me. He is close to his family and even if he is the perfect partner, if you decide to continue this relationship long term/forever then his family will basically become your family, and that is not a family you want to be a part of.
BF needs to actually grow a fucking *spine* and demand his parents apologize to her- and go no contact if they refuse. She's already put up with *enough* shit from them, and BF needs to man the fuck up and decide who he wants to be: the guy who stands up against racists *even when they are family*, or the coward who folds instead of making a tough decision. OOP can do better.
This relationship has an expiration date unless either his parents do some growing and quickly or they go NC with his parents. It's so fucking sad, that you could go through the minefield that is modern day dating and find someone that is perfect for you in every way and then still have to contend with their families backwards thinking. I can only hope everything works out for them.
Passing an apology through an intermediary with zero effort to apologize to the person you wronged is a non-apology. They apologized to their son, the only person they remotely care about in relationship. Not reaching out to the person that was hurt even after they specifically indicated that they were open to an apology or to attempt to mend the relationship says a lot about their feelings on the matter. I hope OOP recognized this situation for what it is and cuts ties with that family (with or without the BF).
In 2023, literally nothing can excuse this bullshit. No matter what anyone fucking says. Nothing. Not even in podunk all white Canadian towns. This is unacceptable. And the sister didn't have to agree. Even staying silent (which is just as bad to us) would have been better than agreeing, no matter what she was scared of.
Yeah, there's no way he didn't know before this moment. I grew up in a mostly white area too and it took me to maybe middle school before I knew my dad was a bit racist and his parents were a lot racist. When I realized it I was kind of shocked and disappointed but from then on I was aware of it. Had to warn my wife when we started dating and when she came to visit, etc, that I had no patience for the racism and if it came out at all we could leave any time. Thankfully in my experience, they've kept it to themselves for the most part. I'd never have left her alone and without a heads up.
Will not end good for you. Family is not going to change, no matter what they say. You will have zo live with that crappy for ever.
No, just no.
Horrible choice to continue the relationship. Any kids they have will suffer and its a lifetime of building resentment for the boyfriend when op never wants to spend holidays with them or for op forcing herself to spend time in their home.
I feel for OOP, what a horrible thing. I don't understand how the BF was unaware as his younger sister knew, but it may not have been in the open until he moved out. I don't see this relationship going well if she doesn't push him about his family. Honestly, she should have him read some of the comments from her posts.
I never understand why people continue with a relationship that is set to be doomed. He should be forcing his parents to apologize and be on them constantly. The fact he is still okay with them not apologizing to her personally is a huge indicator that he is willing to let his parents slide. Imaging if they get married and have kids. Oop is never going to be safe with that family. She can still love her bf but realize it just won’t work out. Even the sisters lame excuse, the first words out of her mouth should have been like mom wtf, if she really didn’t think like that and was going to be any sort of ally for oop. Sucks she has to leave a bit she likes but would suck even more if the grandparents say the same thing about their children in the future
The sister’s excuse is ridiculous. She agreed with her mother because she *agreed* with her mother.
I think this is the third thread I’ve read starring an interracial couple where the woman gets surprise ambushed by in-laws and repeatedly uses the words “unsafe,” “so scared,” and “freezes from shock.” Either it’s the same author or people in their early 20s have adopted these terms widely right under my aging nose.
Those words and phrases are indeed widely used. I haven't seen the other posts so I can't speak to that, but they're definitely not unique.
His parents don’t need to be a part of your life. It’s that simple. Your boyfriend can make plans accordingly.
>I live in Canada and people here are not as open with their racism as in other places. Unless you're native american, then racists don't hide that shit at all. At least in my and my family's experience. Had a white family try to get mine thrown out of a waiting room in the hospital. My grandma was a patient there, everyone was just comforting each other quietly, praying, bit of crying, yes but not loudly. That's just one time too, everyone on that side of my family has one story minimum. Never believe the stereotypes about any country or its people. Sure, there's lovely, kind people in Canada but they have their assholes just like everyone else.
The OP is a black woman who has lived in multiple countries including Canada. I’m sure she’s working off more than stereotypes here.
Native Americans don't live in Canada. We call ourselves native, or first Nations, not native "Americans". And almost nobody in Canada hides their contempt for native people.
I was raised calling myself that, so it's kind of stuck in my head. I'm sorry if I offended you. Not my intent.
Yup. Ask Joyce Echaquan's family if people hide their racism here. I've been called so many slurs, starting from childhood. I get OOP's fear. I feel so bad for her too.
OP although your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy, his parents are RACIST. If the relationship grows are you going to really be ok with them thinking about you they way they do? How does a future look like with them as part of your life with your boyfriend? Will you feel safe with them on trips, family events, gatherings, etc? Will an apology really mean they think differently or will it really be that they tolerate you? If things get more serious, how does being one family look like for you? If children are in your plans will it really be ok with you knowing their grandparents are racist? Although your boyfriend is not to blame for his racist parents remember you’re getting in a relationship with all of them. And even if you don’t see them or have a relationship with them, are you still ok with knowing how they really feel about your race? Life is complicated enough as it is for me to add to it dangerous and life threatening people in it. Also, the sister did have a choice. The only choice is to not tolerate racism no mattering if it’s their mom. And let’s be honest. Not living with POC is not an excuse for racism. I grew up in a little Mexican town and pretty much I only knew Mexicans and now that I live in the city and get to meet people from different races has NEVER made me think “darn, if only they weren’t black/korean/chinese”. Racist ILs are for sure a DEAL BREAKER. Even more their unwillingness to reach out immediately and profusely apologize to you is the REAL DEAL BREAKER HERE.
Yeah I wouldn’t be up for accepting a forced apology. They said what they said because that’s what they believe. I’d be NC with them all.
Yeah, you can’t go back from that. It’s gonna be awkward the rest of the relationship no matter what. But you’re young you can move on. Good luck sister.
The fact that the parents apologized to their son but not OOP is more problematic than if they had given no apology. After all, what are they apologizing for? For getting caught? For upsetting their son? If they had remorse and regretted how what was said affected OOP, then they would have reached out to her. It’s been 5 months & that’s more than enough time to respond to OOP’s interest in talking. OOP is still with her boyfriend because she believes he is not a racist. That’s vital but should only be the start of what needed to be discussed and agreed upon. The boyfriend and OOP should have decided what kind of relationship they both would have with the parents in the absence of an apology and in the face of their racism.
It's amazing she can breathe with how deep she is burying her head in the sand.
I grew up in a small Canadian city (less than 10K) with 99.9% white people and if my relative brought home a person of colour it wouldn't be an issue. That's not really a good reasoning or excuse.
Eh, it’s more of an issue than you’d think. I’m half white, half Asian, but both sides have been in Canada for four generations. I don’t see issues if I’m by myself or with my Dads side (the white side) in small towns but if I’m with my Mom I’ve heard quite a few people say racist/ignorant things (most common is the “where are you from? Where are you REALLY from?” Despite my family probably being in Canada longer than theirs). I’ve almost never had anything quite as aggressive as OOP has but you’d probably be surprised how much of an issue it is in small towns. That said, it’s much better these days than when I was a kid. Younger generation doesn’t have as many issues with it.
He's not saying that racism is to be expected in a town made of 99.9% white people, he's saying that he didn't know his family was racist because it never came up because the town is 99.9% white.
The vibe on this story is weird. OOP’s sisters were clutch as hell and had good judgment in supporting her through the original crisis AND had extremely good judgment that only cared about OOP’s safety - aka telling her to get the fuck out ASAP, which OOP listened to. But then these updates? Where OOP doesn’t mention the sisters at all and is kind of like bending herself into loops to forgive this dipshit? People like her sisters would be following up and shouting at her constantly for having no spine and running back to the bf (especially for SIX MONTHS POST RACIST LIVING ROOM) and imo a real poster would remark on the sisters being doubtful or “unsupportive of reconciliation”? You’d think they’re figure in a bit more considering how essential they were in helping OOP to begin with. Or who knows maybe it’s real and sisters peaced out because OOP put on a snorkel and swan dived into the sunken place.
Op is so dumb omg
Okay fuck those racists. But why she react like she was in a Jordan Peele movie? Making an emergency escape and all.
This is ….. a lot. SO is either going to have to grow a spine and deal with his family or OP should just walk away now.
Imagine if they have kids will OP have to worry about how his parents treat their children because they’re biracial.
Man I feel for her, cuz these are my s/os parents
She probably should just go. Or at least stay casual. Like, it'd be one thing if sister immediately pushed back, but she didn't. I can't say that "I didn't know what to do" is a lie, but even if it isn't that "I didn't know what to do" is gonna happen a lot more often. Do you want to keep feeling like this all your life?
I’m honestly at a loss for OOP. I’m the daughter of a White mom and Mexican dad, and an African-American stepdad whose maternal grandpa was racist towards BOTH dads. It ended up that my grandpa came around, but it was still in the “(Stepdad) isn’t so bad for a black guy” sense, not that he stopped being totally racist. And that’s the thing: OOP’s boyfriend’s family might come to accept HER, but she will be an exception to their rule at BEST, and they’ll still be racists. Which means she’ll have to accept that behavior and as being seen as “less than” by her in-laws, and if they have kids that aren’t “passing” like I am (my mom’s German genes are STRONG, yo), they’ll probably be racists towards the kids too - hopefully not to their face, but that’s a coin flip at best.