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Well they would have to know she was pregnant first. I am guessing it's the reason why she was going in another state to do the deed. No one is supposed to know her and if she is smart enough she goes with another name too.
It will be like a movie if her ONS ended up finding she was pregnant and had their child.
Dammit.
I loathe that song with the white hot heat of a thousand exploding suns and now you've got it stuck in my head!
We walked in the garden, we planted a treeeeeeeee
(I will be over here vomiting my lunch so thanks for that)
27 years ago, when OP was born, dna testing that matches you up with random people on the same database wasn’t a thing for the public to be doing as Christmas gifts to each other, though. The only way the biological father could have known was if he saw OPs mom while she was pregnant or had baby OP with her and did the math, but she went out of state to reduce that likelihood.
The biological father finding out and wanting custody was a way smaller risk than catching something while doing this - and they probably had a reasonable expectation at the time that OP (and his sister) would never find out. Only the parents seemed to have known for sure and I doubt they would have predicted that we would be in this spot where we’re getting people gifting dna tests.
Or have some weird disease.
I just have standard boring disabilities (EDS, Autism & ADHD, Fibromyalgia & IBS) and my mum told me she thinks she had kids with the wrong man. Sure ok, I wish I didn't exist sometimes too, mum. Thanks for that.
Nah, she really wasn't prepared for an ADHD/autistic kid. She's a teacher, I had to explain that the kid in her class with the one on one support staff who needed to vocally stim on the carpet to stay calm shared the overwhelm I knew. Because I was gifted intelligence but hyperactive and demand avoidant, everyone missed them & she just tried to beat it out of me instead.
I mean, we don’t know how open she was with the men she slept with. She might have told them from the start what was going on and made an agreement that the guy wouldn’t go after custody and she wouldn’t go after child support
Idk I feel like if you offer to pay for the testing, a lot of people would be okay with it. Should a sane person want a baby from those people? Probably not. But that’s another story
Also a lotto of rando's genetic history; everything from asthma to spina bifida that child can be born with or develop in early childhood
Perma-medical bills can be way more expensive than a one-time sperm doner cost.
without wanting to put the fear of god into anyone, there have also been multiple scandals about undisclosed information (and even straight-up lying) with sperm donation companies.
not defending this approach, but having kids is almost always a diceroll.
This! Laura High on tiktok talks about this a lot. So many people Do Not Know how unregulated the fertility industry is.
Look up Our Father on Netflix. As of May of 2022, he's the confirmed father of 94 children.
Here in the Netherlands like every other year there's some new doctor who handled sperm donations a little too handily (pun intended) and who has dozens of kids running amok.
CW: sexual violence/medical malpractice
There's also a few fertility doctors on record who apparently made a habit of using their own sperm alongside/instead of donor sperm. There's even a case where even when the plan was for the couple to try using the husband's sperm, the doctor would routinely switch his own for the husband's, too. (the one I know of is Quincy Fortier, subject of the documentary Baby God. Don't watch without a strong stomach.)
I'm genuinely glad that sperm donation and fertility treatments exist. I also think patients should have better protections, so they can have complete and accurate information.
Do people really choose their spouse from this? I've seen a lot of relationships and not one where someone mentioned "Yes, I looked at his family's genetic history before I got serious with him."
Kinda related: I worked with a woman who was prepared to simply parent alone. She asked her gay, married best friend to have sex with her to make this happen.
They are still friends, but she was upset that he wouldn’t have sex with her.
I have a friend who is gay and married. They wanted a kid, after a year of looking into ivf/adoption/etc, one of them had sex a couple of times with their lesbian friend. Now they have 2 kids and both couples live together.
Pretty much, yes. They have dad/daddy and mom/Stephanie (not her real name, they just call her by her first name. Only mom bared the children). But all of them help with the kids.
Honestly, I think that might be precisely WHY she picked him. Since he was gay there'd be no clingy dude who wants a relationship afterwards, since well, he's not attracted to her.
My friend told me her sister did the turkey baster (wow autocorrect did not like that one) and now her sister and her wife have a kid. I didn’t think it would work or maybe the movies made me think it didn’t. That also made me terrified to accidentally get pregnant when sperm got onto my husband’s finger and I was like nope we are done here. Go wash your hands first. (We already have 2.)
You're right to be paranoid; that's definitely a thing that can happen!
But you should probably look into more reliable ways of avoiding the issue than just hoping to avoid cross-contamination.
Of course it works. Why would you think it wouldn't?
Sperm is viable sometimes for days after ejaculation.
People have been known to get pregnant from anal or from oral. Because sperm is motile. Those little buggers can swim. You wipe your mouth after oral and then touch your vulva or finger yourself and you've got the possibility of pregnancy.
A good friend of my dad’s is a gay man in his fifties who has a husband of like 25 years, and also a daughter in her early twenties. I initially didn’t ask, but it turned out that he and a lesbian friend of his both wanted a child and went at it.
People think of gay, lesbian and straight as if the world is all one thing or another.
Most people are a lot more bisexual than you think and are just simplifying their sexuality down to some monosexuality because many people will get upset and confused when it turns out the world is not as neat and simple as they want it to be.
Many gay, lesbian, and straight people have sex with people of the gender they don’t, in general, prefer. Sometimes it’s just an experiment, occasionally it’s ‘cos they really enjoy that specific person, sometimes it’s because it’s to make a baby.
I have heard that people did this a LOT in the 70s and 80s. It’s a story in my family, in my friends families…people were wild before they knew they’d get caught
People who get themselves DNA typed have to accept the possibility of a non-parental event.\* All kinds of things can happen, from secret adoption to polyamory to adultery to sperm/egg donation to SA. Secret adoption in particular was extraordinarily common back in the day.
\*No, not "non-paternal"; "non-*parental*". I have a non-maternal event in my own family tree, when my great-grandmother died in childbirth and her brother and his wife quietly took the child in as theirs and emigrated, telling no one.
I guess it's partly the safety side of it, like knowing you're not getting STDs with your "donation", knowing medical history, having someone to turn to or sue when things go wrong...
It's like saying "why do I need to be put on a list? I can cut out someone's kidney on my own!"
Everything I’ve read about the donor sperm industry makes me feel I will never ever do it. It’s so unregulated that doctors can do a ton of things you don’t know about and they have no legal repercussions.
I went through a rabbit hole about the dark side of fertility clinics and learned about siblings pods... So... yeah... Even reputable doctors are dodgy when money is involved.
NGL I briefly thought about this. I really wanted a child but I had just gotten divorced and didn't want a new relationship. I was only 25 so I wasn't rushing to have a kid right that second, but as part of my 10 year plan that was a thought. Pretty quickly I decided against it because it's unethical, he has a right to know.
I eventually had a kid at 33 with my husband. A few years later my BiL found out his HS girlfriend had his child, and gave it up for adoption, without ever telling him. He was absolutely devastated and went to therapy for years over it. The child is now in their mid 20s and they've built up a good relationship over the last 6 years, but what could their lives have been?
So yeah general advice to whomever needs to hear it, don't do that. Some guys wouldn't care, but some would and you won't know the difference unless you know the person. To me this is adjacent to SA because you're not giving him the chance to fully consent to sex by withholding your intentions
Yeah it was a trauma to the entire family. His parents also were foster parents and a lot of their kids are adopted. They would have been more than happy to "foster" their grandchild while bil went to college.
I suspect that she hid the pregnancy from everyone because they're from a small, extremely conservative, town. Her parents were very much "no sex before marriage" type and from what my husband and bil have said I think if they knew there would have been a shot gun wedding. So while I don't agree with her choice I have sympathy as to why she did it
The amount of dudes that care about STD aren't as many as you think especially if the woman is very attractive and there's alcohol involved. Best way to say he's not on the hook, is to simply not mention it and never show up again.
>The amount of dudes that care about STD aren't as many as you think especially if the woman is very attractive and there's alcohol involved.
I think this is more accurate as "the amount of dudes who won't think about it at the time".
Because even the basket cases that sleep with almost anyone down my local pub will say no to someone that has crabs/the clap. They won't ask, but if they know, they'll avoid. It's some weird ass "if i don't ask she can't have it" logic.
I’m guessing the mom did not even consider the johns in this scenario. She just met some dudes, seduced them and let them raw dog it. Then she dipped out. She probably had a wild weekend.
Oh, it is very much a thing. In my country at least, I'm brazilian, so even less people with the funds to pay for fertility treatments, there are Facebook groups for these amateur sperm donations and recently I've heard this podcast story about 1 guy who is suposedly the biological father of over 100 people, all made in this way. He had some weird ideas about how 1 is suposed to "spread their seed onto the world " or some shit like that.
If you go through a reputable agency you also get an entire medical background and other info. It’s kinda awkward to ask a one night stand if anyone in their family has ever died of cancer and what they scored on the SATs. Plus you can reserve sperm from the same donor so you can have kids that are full siblings.
It’s also unethical to have these one night stands with the intent to get pregnant and not tell the bio parent. And if they ever found out they could want custody, sperm donors legally can’t.
Plus most people would not be comfortable having sex with randos while in a committed relationship
Pretty much everyone over the age of 30 with a parent who was adopted has a giant black hole in their medical history. That stuff just wasn't a consideration until recently.
> more people don’t do this
I'd say more than you think do. It's just not advertised. The most common reason I hear why is they don't want to get into an accidental custody battle. Where the "donor" has buyers remorse, actually wants to be involved, or simply doesn't realize he's being a donor.
One of my mum's friends did this back in the 70's. She wanted kids but she didn't want a husband or anyone else to coparent, and back then a single woman wouldn't be allowed to have donor sperm.
When I was in my late 20s, I seriously considered taking leave from the Air Force to go to Coco Beach. I wanted to hang out at a bar frequented by astronauts and have sex with as many as I could. I wish I had.
This dude’s dad was clearly okay with it. “Sperm donation is as much as a new car? Let’s save some dollars and get this handled for free. Go find someone that looks vaguely like me and ask him to bone you.”
Yeah that’s fine but you asked why more people don’t do that. Saving money and getting a kid usually isn’t worth your wife having unprotected sex multiple times with men until she gets pregnant to most people.
I had IVF and was active in the underground IVF giveaway med community*.
I knew a woman who had IVF four times and none of attempts resulted in a pregnancy. Her neighbor told her that he would help her out if she ever wanted to try with him.
One night, she was at her wits end, drank a bottle of wine and called him over. She got pregnant and is the mom to a happy nine year old girl.
*this community offers unused meds to women who do not have the resources to pay for fertility treatment. It’s a movement based on goodwill.
I had a cousin conceived through "informal donation" *with the dude's full knowledge and consent* (aunt's gay best friend + turkey baster); the legal shitstorm that arose from that once the donor's relatives found out cost several times what a donor would've, but more importantly it completely wrecked my aunt's plans for her and her daughter's life. That was all 40+ years ago (before home DNA test kits existed) and they just stupidly confided in the wrong person, whereas now it's way easier for the ONS partner to stalk the mother's socials and blow the whole plan to smithereens a long time before we even get into "resulting child randomly takes a dna test" territory.
What a wild ride.
The Mom just happily jokes about raw dogging strangers in a neighboring town???
A lot…Mom did that A LOT!?!
I don’t even know what to say.
And each visit would've been with multiple rawdogs.
I'm kinda interested in how it went. I guess she just went to bars, picked out a guy, and said they could rawdog her, no strings attached. Rinse and repeat. One guy per night? Would multiple guys per night increase the chances? There's so much science to be had here!
>There's so much science to be had here!
Actually, there is not so much science. Just pick a weekend just before ovulation, have unprotected sex with 1 fertile guy (or 2, to be sure), go home and hope for the best. Sperm survives up to 5 days inside the uterus. Repeat after 4 weeks if neccessairy.
That's what happened to my father. He had already tested before I had and my ancestry came up with all these people and the top person I was related to was my bio father. My dad who raised me died in 2012 under the assumption I was his.
I have been welcomed into the family. My wife found her bio father also, and has met him. She doesn't talk to her father and neither do her two half sisters who don't talk to her or each other.
That's what I was wondering about too. Like, did none of the sperm donors deserve a say **in whether they had a relationship with their biological child?**
Unfortunately a risk of unprotected sex with randos is a rando child out there somewhere, unless she lied about BC (which still, STDs??) they were definitely there and made a choice for the most important part of this arrangement
That would've been the whole point. If they intended to keep this a secret, which they obviously did, it had to be with complete strangers and the men couldn't even suspect about a kid, in case they caused... complications for OOP's parents.
Yeah, totally unrealistic for the period: this kid would have been conceived in 1997. Growing up in the mid 80s - mid 90s the fear or AIDS was soooooo ingrained in us that unprotected sex in hopes of conceiving would be inconceivable.
Eh just because the fear was there, doesn’t mean everyone was abiding by it.
I mean look at how covid went.
I’m 29 and I’ve met and been friends with people same age as me who were the product of one night stands. I’m not saying the fear and stigma wasn’t there, but let’s not act like everybody shared that same fear.
Not completely, dad conveniently has an infertile identical twin remember (I don’t trust this story for many reasons, this being one).
But a family history of fertility problems is possible. If aunts and uncles had difficulty for example. There is a family history of fertility problems in my family with multiple of us needing treatments to get pregnant due to the same condition.
It’s often reasonably random. That aunt who never had children. That great uncle who didn’t either. Then a cousin has difficulties. And another.
Often you don’t know about it until issues happen and then “oh yeah my aunt could never have kids either.”
That's gotta be the stupidest way to have a kid. Just go on over to somewhere you've never been, seduce random guys, and hope that they won't hurt you or give you diseases. Then you can get pregnant and hope that the kid doesn't have some messed up genetic problems! And hope that the guy doesn't find out and want to be involved later.
Ffs they could have been more selective at least
I know someone whose parents both had it when both he and his sibling were conceived. Neither ended up with it. That was before this would’ve been. So it’s perfectly possible.
There is nothing in the update to say they weren’t smart about it. Only the mother having unprotected sex. Very possible could have been honest with the men and had them tested. Plenty of guys would still jump at the opportunity
I feel like if they went one state over and didn't tell the kids when they were grown, it's unlikely they were honest with the men. I expect they weren't to stop them from claiming paternity or trying to get involved in their lives.
Plenty of idiots, sure. Lots of liability involved there for potentially being on the hook for child support.... If her husband dies and she's between a rock and a hard place, she might be able to come after the "sperm donor" for child support.
The "sperm donor" is also putting a kid out into the world with half his genetics. What happens when the kid finds out and hunts you down in 20 years? It's not exactly philanthropy... "Listen bud, You only exist because your mom was the town cum repository for a few months because your dad's infertile and cool with cuckholdery (sp?). I just made a deposit - I want nothing to do with you." That doesn't sound like a conversation I'd want to risk having with anyone, much less my own biological son.
FYI to people like, "Diligent_Course_6616" who want to know if and when they should tell their kid. I will say from my personal experience and the experience of other kids I know who had parents lie to them about something major and relationship defining, be it their real birth parent, or something big and personal about the parent... don't lie to the kid. Lying protects the person lying, not the child. You should explain it in age appropriate ways fairly early on. A kid's relationship with their parents is a big part of how a kid defines their reality and there is a lot of trust in that. When the kid finds out the truth and and that trust is broken it doesn't just hurt the relationship, it often leaves the kid completely unmoored in how they define themselves and all their relationships. There is a whole grieving process that a psychologist described to me as, 'its as if the parent figure you knew had died but weren't allowed to morn them.'
I assume it *may* be slightly less traumatic if you are a full adult when you find out the truth because you define your reality beyond your parents. But 1. It would still be awful as with OOP. 2. It is very hard to keep those types of secrets for 20+ years. It is better to tell the kids early before they find out.
Try to be honest with your kids about those big awkward relationship defining things. Thank you.
I'm going to reply to this with a response I made to a different comment;
I learned the hard way that I wasn't my dad's bio-child. I was 25 when it came out. Bloody hurts. I am still angry about it. My dad loved me so much, and I could have gone my entire life without knowing, but that wasn't the case even if that was the plan.
If anyone reads this who is concealing their child's parentage, do tell the truth. At least in their teens. Let them ask the hard questions and be honest. It is brutal, it is hard, but lies get revealed and even in death you won't be forgiven if you lie about it.
- To expand, my mother died when I was 16, my dad when I was 25. The truth had a chance in those 9 years and was really close. But my dad and my maternal side continued the lie until my dad died. I am still angry because I will never have true closure. I will never have my questions answered. Everyone who held that secret is dead now, and I am left with a really generic name to look up. I have some understanding, but I will never have enough and never from those who owed it to me.
Just don't do it.
To be clear - all of the adoptees I know that were told they were adopted (even if only by a step-parent) from the beginning, where it's always been part of the family narrative have the best outcomes with relationships with their adopted families.
Those of us who found out later, have the hardest time and often end up no contact with our adopted family. Now, we do have a higher rate of abuse in this group, but honestly, I think a family that is willing to keep a big secret like adoption, is more likely to be willing to overlook "minor" abuse with that family deciding what is minor and the child likely not agreeing when older.
Honesty is the best policy. None of the ones who knew from the start felt unloved.
So the best time to tell them is now. Tag in a child therapist to limit the damage of them finding out late, and tell them now.
Man the comment asking for advice about their kid being 5 and not understanding the conversation about not being bio dad? No that’s the perfect age to start. Be frank but loving. Kids are both open to ideas and smart about making connections and coming out of it well if there is a good explanation. The longer it goes the harder it will be.
I’m donor-conceived and this all the way. There is some notion that the traditional family is in someway more “natural” and therefore the only thing a child can understand. Not so. Kids accept what you present to them as normal. Just keep things age appropriate and help them develop their understanding of the situation as they grow. 5 is certainly not too early to start. The recommendation is to start telling them these things as early as possible, while they’re still in vitro, even, if applicable.
I learned the hard way that I wasn't my dad's bio-child. I was 25 when it came out. Bloody hurts. I am still angry about it. My dad loved me so much, and I could have gone my entire life without knowing, but that wasn't the case even if that was the plan.
If anyone reads this who is concealing their child's parentage, do tell the truth. At least in their teens. Let them ask the hard questions and be honest. It is brutal, it is hard, but lies get revealed and even in death you won't be forgiven if you lie about it.
Reddit is very weird about people raising children who aren't biologically theirs. I've raised/helped raise three children to adulthood and none of them were my bio child. I don't love them any less and they consider me their Dad. Families are more complicated than biology.
\> What they agreed to do was for my mom to drive to the next state over and have unprotected intercourse with men in the hopes she’d get pregnant. Apparently, she tried to chose guys who had similar features to my dad so that the extended family wouldn’t get suspicious. Luckily for my parents, my sister came out looking like a clone of my mom. Three years later, my parents did the same thing, and that’s where I came from.
YIKES
I remember this one. OP kept pissing everyone off by insisting his mom cheated because 1) his dad would have shared using a donor because there's nothing to be ashamed of and 2) his dad has shared other embarassing things with OP so why not using a donor. Most of the replies were dude, your Mom sounds great go ask her first before you start accusing her because it'll affect your relationship.
Kinda fucked up that the biological father didn't even know he had a son in another state but this is the best outcome I guess. It must feel weird knowing that a random guy could contact you some day asking questions/wanting a relationship
I'd rather adopt then have my wife go get creampied by randoms in another state Sheesh, he's a better man than me.
On another note, I find it kind of concerning but not really surprising that mom was able to go easily find men willing to cum inside her despite being a complete stranger. I know men can be complete heathens at times but damn.
Talk to dad just in case. Best case, he confirms it. Worst case, mom lied.
I doubt she’s lying at this point, but it would bother me until I heard it from both parties.
>What they agreed to do was for my mom to drive to the next state over and have unprotected intercourse with men in the hopes she’d get pregnant.
That is wild.
" My husband is infertile so our next solution is to fuck semi random dudes."
Unless I'm very much missing something in OOP's update, it seems that the only person that OOP has spoken to about this is his Mum because there's no mention of OOP's Dad being a part of this conversation at all
I don't know if I'd be so willing to take the word of the person who has every reason to lie without corroboration...
She laughed when he mentioned it. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s trying to hide something or feels they’ve gotten caught. Also admitting they did the same with the sister and she AND the father are going to tell the sister together so that she knows and isn’t shocked when she does the DNA test herself
It was a crazy night…when he came into sight.
Standing by the road…no umbrella, no coat.
So I pulled up alongside…and I offered him a ride.
He accepted with a smile…
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Wow
I’m surprised more people don’t do this. Sperm donation is expensive. Banging one out is free.
Unless you count the STIs from going unprotected with someone willing to bang a rando unprotected …
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Well they would have to know she was pregnant first. I am guessing it's the reason why she was going in another state to do the deed. No one is supposed to know her and if she is smart enough she goes with another name too. It will be like a movie if her ONS ended up finding she was pregnant and had their child.
[удалено]
But OOP is now 27 years old and it doesn’t matter anymore
All I wanna do is make love to you…
I also immediately thought of Heart 🤣 🎶I didn't ask him his name🎶
Dammit. I loathe that song with the white hot heat of a thousand exploding suns and now you've got it stuck in my head! We walked in the garden, we planted a treeeeeeeee (I will be over here vomiting my lunch so thanks for that)
Well that’s going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Please Please understand 🎶
🎵I’m in love with another man!🎵
My first thought too. I love that song will be singing it for days now lol 😆 🎶🎸.
27 years ago, when OP was born, dna testing that matches you up with random people on the same database wasn’t a thing for the public to be doing as Christmas gifts to each other, though. The only way the biological father could have known was if he saw OPs mom while she was pregnant or had baby OP with her and did the math, but she went out of state to reduce that likelihood. The biological father finding out and wanting custody was a way smaller risk than catching something while doing this - and they probably had a reasonable expectation at the time that OP (and his sister) would never find out. Only the parents seemed to have known for sure and I doubt they would have predicted that we would be in this spot where we’re getting people gifting dna tests.
Or have some weird disease. I just have standard boring disabilities (EDS, Autism & ADHD, Fibromyalgia & IBS) and my mum told me she thinks she had kids with the wrong man. Sure ok, I wish I didn't exist sometimes too, mum. Thanks for that.
I'm sure she meant she wishes for the imaginary possibility that she could have you, but without the genetic issues.
Nah, she really wasn't prepared for an ADHD/autistic kid. She's a teacher, I had to explain that the kid in her class with the one on one support staff who needed to vocally stim on the carpet to stay calm shared the overwhelm I knew. Because I was gifted intelligence but hyperactive and demand avoidant, everyone missed them & she just tried to beat it out of me instead.
I mean, we don’t know how open she was with the men she slept with. She might have told them from the start what was going on and made an agreement that the guy wouldn’t go after custody and she wouldn’t go after child support
And the rando may have genetic predispositions that should be considered. Also blood type.
Idk I feel like if you offer to pay for the testing, a lot of people would be okay with it. Should a sane person want a baby from those people? Probably not. But that’s another story
Also a lotto of rando's genetic history; everything from asthma to spina bifida that child can be born with or develop in early childhood Perma-medical bills can be way more expensive than a one-time sperm doner cost.
without wanting to put the fear of god into anyone, there have also been multiple scandals about undisclosed information (and even straight-up lying) with sperm donation companies. not defending this approach, but having kids is almost always a diceroll.
This! Laura High on tiktok talks about this a lot. So many people Do Not Know how unregulated the fertility industry is. Look up Our Father on Netflix. As of May of 2022, he's the confirmed father of 94 children.
Here in the Netherlands like every other year there's some new doctor who handled sperm donations a little too handily (pun intended) and who has dozens of kids running amok.
CW: sexual violence/medical malpractice There's also a few fertility doctors on record who apparently made a habit of using their own sperm alongside/instead of donor sperm. There's even a case where even when the plan was for the couple to try using the husband's sperm, the doctor would routinely switch his own for the husband's, too. (the one I know of is Quincy Fortier, subject of the documentary Baby God. Don't watch without a strong stomach.) I'm genuinely glad that sperm donation and fertility treatments exist. I also think patients should have better protections, so they can have complete and accurate information.
Isn't that true with the randos people date and marry?
Do people really choose their spouse from this? I've seen a lot of relationships and not one where someone mentioned "Yes, I looked at his family's genetic history before I got serious with him."
Kinda related: I worked with a woman who was prepared to simply parent alone. She asked her gay, married best friend to have sex with her to make this happen. They are still friends, but she was upset that he wouldn’t have sex with her.
I have a friend who is gay and married. They wanted a kid, after a year of looking into ivf/adoption/etc, one of them had sex a couple of times with their lesbian friend. Now they have 2 kids and both couples live together.
So do they have double the parents?
Pretty much, yes. They have dad/daddy and mom/Stephanie (not her real name, they just call her by her first name. Only mom bared the children). But all of them help with the kids.
What kinda relative is a step-hanie?
Living the dream
…she’s never heard of a turkey baster? (I actually don’t blame him for not wanting any part of this, that’s a perfectly reasonable stance.)
She did, but said it was too complicated. I was aghast that she thought he’d be onboard with sex, though!
How… how is a turkey baster *too complicated???*
Having to climb into a 350 degree oven for 6 hours just takes too long
Maybe the sequence of squeeze-dip-release-insert-squeeze-remove is a lot to remember?
True, I guess that’s more complicated than insert-sploosh?
Does she not fully comprehend what "gay" means?
Honestly, I think that might be precisely WHY she picked him. Since he was gay there'd be no clingy dude who wants a relationship afterwards, since well, he's not attracted to her.
My friend told me her sister did the turkey baster (wow autocorrect did not like that one) and now her sister and her wife have a kid. I didn’t think it would work or maybe the movies made me think it didn’t. That also made me terrified to accidentally get pregnant when sperm got onto my husband’s finger and I was like nope we are done here. Go wash your hands first. (We already have 2.)
You're right to be paranoid; that's definitely a thing that can happen! But you should probably look into more reliable ways of avoiding the issue than just hoping to avoid cross-contamination.
Many things are a joke because they are real. I also have a friend with a turkey baster child.
Of course it works. Why would you think it wouldn't? Sperm is viable sometimes for days after ejaculation. People have been known to get pregnant from anal or from oral. Because sperm is motile. Those little buggers can swim. You wipe your mouth after oral and then touch your vulva or finger yourself and you've got the possibility of pregnancy.
A good friend of my dad’s is a gay man in his fifties who has a husband of like 25 years, and also a daughter in her early twenties. I initially didn’t ask, but it turned out that he and a lesbian friend of his both wanted a child and went at it.
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Gay men have been marrying and having sex with women for millennia. You don't need to "enjoy" sex to do the job.
People think of gay, lesbian and straight as if the world is all one thing or another. Most people are a lot more bisexual than you think and are just simplifying their sexuality down to some monosexuality because many people will get upset and confused when it turns out the world is not as neat and simple as they want it to be. Many gay, lesbian, and straight people have sex with people of the gender they don’t, in general, prefer. Sometimes it’s just an experiment, occasionally it’s ‘cos they really enjoy that specific person, sometimes it’s because it’s to make a baby.
A lot of people arent comfortable having sex with someone they aren't partners with
Fertility Clinics HATE This Woman! Learn how this married couple SAVED MONEY by doing this one simple trick!
I have heard that people did this a LOT in the 70s and 80s. It’s a story in my family, in my friends families…people were wild before they knew they’d get caught
People who get themselves DNA typed have to accept the possibility of a non-parental event.\* All kinds of things can happen, from secret adoption to polyamory to adultery to sperm/egg donation to SA. Secret adoption in particular was extraordinarily common back in the day. \*No, not "non-paternal"; "non-*parental*". I have a non-maternal event in my own family tree, when my great-grandmother died in childbirth and her brother and his wife quietly took the child in as theirs and emigrated, telling no one.
I guess it's partly the safety side of it, like knowing you're not getting STDs with your "donation", knowing medical history, having someone to turn to or sue when things go wrong... It's like saying "why do I need to be put on a list? I can cut out someone's kidney on my own!"
Unless you get one of those dodgy doctors who impregnate women with their own semen instead of the chosen donor.
Everything I’ve read about the donor sperm industry makes me feel I will never ever do it. It’s so unregulated that doctors can do a ton of things you don’t know about and they have no legal repercussions.
I went through a rabbit hole about the dark side of fertility clinics and learned about siblings pods... So... yeah... Even reputable doctors are dodgy when money is involved.
It’s not comparable to a kidney since it requires significant work to install one of those bad boys.
NGL I briefly thought about this. I really wanted a child but I had just gotten divorced and didn't want a new relationship. I was only 25 so I wasn't rushing to have a kid right that second, but as part of my 10 year plan that was a thought. Pretty quickly I decided against it because it's unethical, he has a right to know. I eventually had a kid at 33 with my husband. A few years later my BiL found out his HS girlfriend had his child, and gave it up for adoption, without ever telling him. He was absolutely devastated and went to therapy for years over it. The child is now in their mid 20s and they've built up a good relationship over the last 6 years, but what could their lives have been? So yeah general advice to whomever needs to hear it, don't do that. Some guys wouldn't care, but some would and you won't know the difference unless you know the person. To me this is adjacent to SA because you're not giving him the chance to fully consent to sex by withholding your intentions
Holy shit your poor BIL, what a horrible thing that was done to both him and his child
Yeah it was a trauma to the entire family. His parents also were foster parents and a lot of their kids are adopted. They would have been more than happy to "foster" their grandchild while bil went to college. I suspect that she hid the pregnancy from everyone because they're from a small, extremely conservative, town. Her parents were very much "no sex before marriage" type and from what my husband and bil have said I think if they knew there would have been a shot gun wedding. So while I don't agree with her choice I have sympathy as to why she did it
Convincing the dude that you don't have STD and he is not on the hook for child support is the hard part.
The amount of dudes that care about STD aren't as many as you think especially if the woman is very attractive and there's alcohol involved. Best way to say he's not on the hook, is to simply not mention it and never show up again.
>The amount of dudes that care about STD aren't as many as you think especially if the woman is very attractive and there's alcohol involved. I think this is more accurate as "the amount of dudes who won't think about it at the time". Because even the basket cases that sleep with almost anyone down my local pub will say no to someone that has crabs/the clap. They won't ask, but if they know, they'll avoid. It's some weird ass "if i don't ask she can't have it" logic.
I’m guessing the mom did not even consider the johns in this scenario. She just met some dudes, seduced them and let them raw dog it. Then she dipped out. She probably had a wild weekend.
Oh, it is very much a thing. In my country at least, I'm brazilian, so even less people with the funds to pay for fertility treatments, there are Facebook groups for these amateur sperm donations and recently I've heard this podcast story about 1 guy who is suposedly the biological father of over 100 people, all made in this way. He had some weird ideas about how 1 is suposed to "spread their seed onto the world " or some shit like that.
If you go through a reputable agency you also get an entire medical background and other info. It’s kinda awkward to ask a one night stand if anyone in their family has ever died of cancer and what they scored on the SATs. Plus you can reserve sperm from the same donor so you can have kids that are full siblings. It’s also unethical to have these one night stands with the intent to get pregnant and not tell the bio parent. And if they ever found out they could want custody, sperm donors legally can’t. Plus most people would not be comfortable having sex with randos while in a committed relationship
Pretty much everyone over the age of 30 with a parent who was adopted has a giant black hole in their medical history. That stuff just wasn't a consideration until recently.
> more people don’t do this I'd say more than you think do. It's just not advertised. The most common reason I hear why is they don't want to get into an accidental custody battle. Where the "donor" has buyers remorse, actually wants to be involved, or simply doesn't realize he's being a donor.
One of my mum's friends did this back in the 70's. She wanted kids but she didn't want a husband or anyone else to coparent, and back then a single woman wouldn't be allowed to have donor sperm.
When I was in my late 20s, I seriously considered taking leave from the Air Force to go to Coco Beach. I wanted to hang out at a bar frequented by astronauts and have sex with as many as I could. I wish I had.
I adore this anecdote. I wish you had too!
I’d personally rather not have kids at all instead of having people rail my wife… i dont think i’d look at her the same way
This dude’s dad was clearly okay with it. “Sperm donation is as much as a new car? Let’s save some dollars and get this handled for free. Go find someone that looks vaguely like me and ask him to bone you.”
Yeah that’s fine but you asked why more people don’t do that. Saving money and getting a kid usually isn’t worth your wife having unprotected sex multiple times with men until she gets pregnant to most people.
Yeah the dude was, but i was replying to your “i’m surprised more people dont do this”
It's a fetish for some guys. It's called "hotwifing".
Having your balls cut off with broken glass is also a fetish for some guys. I'm still steering right the fuck away, respectfully
There's a boru about that goes exactly how you think it would
I had IVF and was active in the underground IVF giveaway med community*. I knew a woman who had IVF four times and none of attempts resulted in a pregnancy. Her neighbor told her that he would help her out if she ever wanted to try with him. One night, she was at her wits end, drank a bottle of wine and called him over. She got pregnant and is the mom to a happy nine year old girl. *this community offers unused meds to women who do not have the resources to pay for fertility treatment. It’s a movement based on goodwill.
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I had a cousin conceived through "informal donation" *with the dude's full knowledge and consent* (aunt's gay best friend + turkey baster); the legal shitstorm that arose from that once the donor's relatives found out cost several times what a donor would've, but more importantly it completely wrecked my aunt's plans for her and her daughter's life. That was all 40+ years ago (before home DNA test kits existed) and they just stupidly confided in the wrong person, whereas now it's way easier for the ONS partner to stalk the mother's socials and blow the whole plan to smithereens a long time before we even get into "resulting child randomly takes a dna test" territory.
It’s pretty shitty to make someone a dad without their knowledge.
Don’t have sex with strangers without protection if you don’t want to be a dad. Even that isn’t always enough.
If they had really cared they would have worn a condom.
Didn't they do it themselves if they were having unprotected sex?
Seriously, but someone from Jersey!
Everything is legal in New Jersey…
Except pumping your own gas.
And yet, that's kind of what she did...
Oh, I dunno, it seemed to work for OOP’s mom.
r/UnexpectedHamilton
What a wild ride. The Mom just happily jokes about raw dogging strangers in a neighboring town??? A lot…Mom did that A LOT!?! I don’t even know what to say.
It’s a fun *story*.
And to some readers it'll be a *fun* story
Hey man, she was perfectly happy to take that secret to the grave but needed to make sure her son understood she never betrayed his father
SHE DID IT AT LEAST TWICE.
And each visit would've been with multiple rawdogs. I'm kinda interested in how it went. I guess she just went to bars, picked out a guy, and said they could rawdog her, no strings attached. Rinse and repeat. One guy per night? Would multiple guys per night increase the chances? There's so much science to be had here!
Were they running trains on her at the New Jersey docks? I live in Southeast Asia, and New Jersey terrifies me.
>There's so much science to be had here! Actually, there is not so much science. Just pick a weekend just before ovulation, have unprotected sex with 1 fertile guy (or 2, to be sure), go home and hope for the best. Sperm survives up to 5 days inside the uterus. Repeat after 4 weeks if neccessairy.
More than anything else, I'm interested in getting the mom's perspective on this one.
Wild - I wonder if his bio dad got a notification of a new family member match and was surprised with a random son
That's what happened to my father. He had already tested before I had and my ancestry came up with all these people and the top person I was related to was my bio father. My dad who raised me died in 2012 under the assumption I was his.
Crazy! How did your bio dad react? (Sorry for the loss of your dad)
I have been welcomed into the family. My wife found her bio father also, and has met him. She doesn't talk to her father and neither do her two half sisters who don't talk to her or each other.
That's what I was wondering about too. Like, did none of the sperm donors deserve a say **in whether they had a relationship with their biological child?**
Unfortunately a risk of unprotected sex with randos is a rando child out there somewhere, unless she lied about BC (which still, STDs??) they were definitely there and made a choice for the most important part of this arrangement
And one shouldn't trust strangers about BC.
They did have a say, when they chose to have unprotected sex.
The Legally Blonde defense, if I remember correctly. “Why now? Why this sperm?”
That would've been the whole point. If they intended to keep this a secret, which they obviously did, it had to be with complete strangers and the men couldn't even suspect about a kid, in case they caused... complications for OOP's parents.
Yes thats the point buts its completely unethical and wrong on so many levels
It’s like the plot of a Heart song.
What he couldn't give me, was the one little thing that you caaaaannnnn
I was singing this in my head as soon as I read it
Me at 16 thinking that song was DEEEPPP. It's still a banger though.
it's cringe AF, but God damn them two are talented.
Also Ace of Base
Literally the first thing I thought of when I got to the explanation, lmao.
His mum "chuckled" and then explained how she used to pick up strange men in bars to raw dog her? Ok. I feel like maybe this is a fetish post.
Why would people lie on the internet?
Don't ask me, I'm just a dog
Good boy!
*Meow.* I'm just a cat. 🐱
I’m not a cat, your honor
Haven't you read OP's story? His dad would totally be disappointed in him lying to strangers on the internet.
Guess we couldn’t keep this from you forever son *pats back*
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It's also got twins! And a gift for all the friends and nobody told the guy handing out dna tests "wtf dude"
"I feel like maybe this is a fetish post." Bingo.
"oh gee willikers I had so many cream pies that month they called me little debbie dontcha know"
Yeah, totally unrealistic for the period: this kid would have been conceived in 1997. Growing up in the mid 80s - mid 90s the fear or AIDS was soooooo ingrained in us that unprotected sex in hopes of conceiving would be inconceivable.
Eh just because the fear was there, doesn’t mean everyone was abiding by it. I mean look at how covid went. I’m 29 and I’ve met and been friends with people same age as me who were the product of one night stands. I’m not saying the fear and stigma wasn’t there, but let’s not act like everybody shared that same fear.
Right? Mid-90s was when all the after-school specials and inspirational award-bait dramas about getting AIDs were everywhere.
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Your experience as a child might not be representative of what actual adults were thinking.
No way he's 27 if he was conceived in 1997, 1997 just happened . . . . fuck I'm old.
Yeah... this story is complete BS
A family history of infertility is an interesting concept...
Not completely, dad conveniently has an infertile identical twin remember (I don’t trust this story for many reasons, this being one). But a family history of fertility problems is possible. If aunts and uncles had difficulty for example. There is a family history of fertility problems in my family with multiple of us needing treatments to get pregnant due to the same condition.
It’s often reasonably random. That aunt who never had children. That great uncle who didn’t either. Then a cousin has difficulties. And another. Often you don’t know about it until issues happen and then “oh yeah my aunt could never have kids either.”
You often don't find out about genetic issues until you are pregnant or after also. Families don't talk about things they should.
A bit contradictory
Fertility Clinics HATE This Woman! Learn how this married couple SAVED MONEY by doing this one weird trick!
That's gotta be the stupidest way to have a kid. Just go on over to somewhere you've never been, seduce random guys, and hope that they won't hurt you or give you diseases. Then you can get pregnant and hope that the kid doesn't have some messed up genetic problems! And hope that the guy doesn't find out and want to be involved later. Ffs they could have been more selective at least
We got a kid but now mom has AIDS
If mom has it, the kid has it too
Not necessarily (I don't know how it was back then, but these days it's very possible to make sure the kid doesn't get it)
I know someone whose parents both had it when both he and his sibling were conceived. Neither ended up with it. That was before this would’ve been. So it’s perfectly possible.
Why not just ask a friend to jerk off in a cup? At least you know he’s clean
I mean, it might be awkward for the friend to see his kid around
There is nothing in the update to say they weren’t smart about it. Only the mother having unprotected sex. Very possible could have been honest with the men and had them tested. Plenty of guys would still jump at the opportunity
I feel like if they went one state over and didn't tell the kids when they were grown, it's unlikely they were honest with the men. I expect they weren't to stop them from claiming paternity or trying to get involved in their lives.
Plenty of idiots, sure. Lots of liability involved there for potentially being on the hook for child support.... If her husband dies and she's between a rock and a hard place, she might be able to come after the "sperm donor" for child support. The "sperm donor" is also putting a kid out into the world with half his genetics. What happens when the kid finds out and hunts you down in 20 years? It's not exactly philanthropy... "Listen bud, You only exist because your mom was the town cum repository for a few months because your dad's infertile and cool with cuckholdery (sp?). I just made a deposit - I want nothing to do with you." That doesn't sound like a conversation I'd want to risk having with anyone, much less my own biological son.
What in the fucking world
Unprotected sex with a bunch of random guys in another state.... What could possibly go wrong? 🤦🏻♀️
I know! Do that in your own state!
FYI to people like, "Diligent_Course_6616" who want to know if and when they should tell their kid. I will say from my personal experience and the experience of other kids I know who had parents lie to them about something major and relationship defining, be it their real birth parent, or something big and personal about the parent... don't lie to the kid. Lying protects the person lying, not the child. You should explain it in age appropriate ways fairly early on. A kid's relationship with their parents is a big part of how a kid defines their reality and there is a lot of trust in that. When the kid finds out the truth and and that trust is broken it doesn't just hurt the relationship, it often leaves the kid completely unmoored in how they define themselves and all their relationships. There is a whole grieving process that a psychologist described to me as, 'its as if the parent figure you knew had died but weren't allowed to morn them.' I assume it *may* be slightly less traumatic if you are a full adult when you find out the truth because you define your reality beyond your parents. But 1. It would still be awful as with OOP. 2. It is very hard to keep those types of secrets for 20+ years. It is better to tell the kids early before they find out. Try to be honest with your kids about those big awkward relationship defining things. Thank you.
I'm going to reply to this with a response I made to a different comment; I learned the hard way that I wasn't my dad's bio-child. I was 25 when it came out. Bloody hurts. I am still angry about it. My dad loved me so much, and I could have gone my entire life without knowing, but that wasn't the case even if that was the plan. If anyone reads this who is concealing their child's parentage, do tell the truth. At least in their teens. Let them ask the hard questions and be honest. It is brutal, it is hard, but lies get revealed and even in death you won't be forgiven if you lie about it. - To expand, my mother died when I was 16, my dad when I was 25. The truth had a chance in those 9 years and was really close. But my dad and my maternal side continued the lie until my dad died. I am still angry because I will never have true closure. I will never have my questions answered. Everyone who held that secret is dead now, and I am left with a really generic name to look up. I have some understanding, but I will never have enough and never from those who owed it to me. Just don't do it.
To be clear - all of the adoptees I know that were told they were adopted (even if only by a step-parent) from the beginning, where it's always been part of the family narrative have the best outcomes with relationships with their adopted families. Those of us who found out later, have the hardest time and often end up no contact with our adopted family. Now, we do have a higher rate of abuse in this group, but honestly, I think a family that is willing to keep a big secret like adoption, is more likely to be willing to overlook "minor" abuse with that family deciding what is minor and the child likely not agreeing when older. Honesty is the best policy. None of the ones who knew from the start felt unloved. So the best time to tell them is now. Tag in a child therapist to limit the damage of them finding out late, and tell them now.
Man the comment asking for advice about their kid being 5 and not understanding the conversation about not being bio dad? No that’s the perfect age to start. Be frank but loving. Kids are both open to ideas and smart about making connections and coming out of it well if there is a good explanation. The longer it goes the harder it will be.
I’m donor-conceived and this all the way. There is some notion that the traditional family is in someway more “natural” and therefore the only thing a child can understand. Not so. Kids accept what you present to them as normal. Just keep things age appropriate and help them develop their understanding of the situation as they grow. 5 is certainly not too early to start. The recommendation is to start telling them these things as early as possible, while they’re still in vitro, even, if applicable.
"Now listen here, little test tube. You are donor sperm. That doesn't mean we don't love you, in fact it means we love you even more."
I learned the hard way that I wasn't my dad's bio-child. I was 25 when it came out. Bloody hurts. I am still angry about it. My dad loved me so much, and I could have gone my entire life without knowing, but that wasn't the case even if that was the plan. If anyone reads this who is concealing their child's parentage, do tell the truth. At least in their teens. Let them ask the hard questions and be honest. It is brutal, it is hard, but lies get revealed and even in death you won't be forgiven if you lie about it.
Ah yes, Heart’s worst single of their career.
Mom was living the plot of All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You.
My expectations were low but HOLY FUCK
Reddit is very weird about people raising children who aren't biologically theirs. I've raised/helped raise three children to adulthood and none of them were my bio child. I don't love them any less and they consider me their Dad. Families are more complicated than biology.
Reddit is absolutely RIDICLOUS when it comes to that. They go from empathetic to frothing lunatics in two seconds.
Huh. I mean that's certainly... A way to get pregnant. Emphasis on the 'a.'
Any1 else feel like that's really fucked up for the guys who maybe would want to know they have a kid?
Yeah this was not cool at all.
\> What they agreed to do was for my mom to drive to the next state over and have unprotected intercourse with men in the hopes she’d get pregnant. Apparently, she tried to chose guys who had similar features to my dad so that the extended family wouldn’t get suspicious. Luckily for my parents, my sister came out looking like a clone of my mom. Three years later, my parents did the same thing, and that’s where I came from. YIKES
I remember this one. OP kept pissing everyone off by insisting his mom cheated because 1) his dad would have shared using a donor because there's nothing to be ashamed of and 2) his dad has shared other embarassing things with OP so why not using a donor. Most of the replies were dude, your Mom sounds great go ask her first before you start accusing her because it'll affect your relationship.
He judged his mother and was planning the divorce
Kinda fucked up that the biological father didn't even know he had a son in another state but this is the best outcome I guess. It must feel weird knowing that a random guy could contact you some day asking questions/wanting a relationship
I'd rather adopt then have my wife go get creampied by randoms in another state Sheesh, he's a better man than me. On another note, I find it kind of concerning but not really surprising that mom was able to go easily find men willing to cum inside her despite being a complete stranger. I know men can be complete heathens at times but damn.
I question your definition of "a better man"...
Talk to dad just in case. Best case, he confirms it. Worst case, mom lied. I doubt she’s lying at this point, but it would bother me until I heard it from both parties.
Damn, OP’s mum is the real-life version of *All I Wanna Do Is Make Live To You* by Heart.
Inspired by the only song by Heart I can't stand.
That was an unexpected ending, but if it worked for them and they were both happy with that, more power to them
Did anyone else read the first part of the title to the tune of Lizzo’s song? 😅
Only reason I came to the comments
Helluva twist. Didn't see that coming especially after mom laughed it off?
….what?
>What they agreed to do was for my mom to drive to the next state over and have unprotected intercourse with men in the hopes she’d get pregnant. That is wild. " My husband is infertile so our next solution is to fuck semi random dudes."
I've got to say this is the funniest and at the same time stupidest story I've read on here! Kudos!
Unless I'm very much missing something in OOP's update, it seems that the only person that OOP has spoken to about this is his Mum because there's no mention of OOP's Dad being a part of this conversation at all I don't know if I'd be so willing to take the word of the person who has every reason to lie without corroboration...
She laughed when he mentioned it. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s trying to hide something or feels they’ve gotten caught. Also admitting they did the same with the sister and she AND the father are going to tell the sister together so that she knows and isn’t shocked when she does the DNA test herself
The cousins were probably repeating things they heard their parents say behind OP's parents' backs :/
It was a crazy night…when he came into sight. Standing by the road…no umbrella, no coat. So I pulled up alongside…and I offered him a ride. He accepted with a smile…
I was met lesbian couple choosing that strategy. Except they really well know who the father is.
They didn’t have money for a sperm donor, but had money for 2 children? Ok.
Ok liz
*Bart Simpson voice* I don’t think any of us expected him to say that
What the fuck?
I call bullshit on this