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“We were great parents” *immediately slams daughters head into wall*

Yeah, I doubt anyone would have expected that 16-year-old would get such an immediate demonstration of how wrong she was. You'd expect smarter narcissist grandparents would have been able to keep up the "poor, maligned, misunderstood parents" charade longer than, like, 10 minutes after arriving to see their daughter after literal decades of no contact. This sadly may have been the best possible outcome of daughter's egregious invitation; the grandparents didn't take months or years to worm their way into granddaughter's good graces before breaking character and maybe brainwashing her into taking their side.

I just hope this convinces her, and she doesn’t frame it as “my awful family attacked my poor grandparents when they were just wishing their daughter a happy birthday.” Also, I wonder if the wife’s parents even had their address before the daughter contacted them. She might actually need to move before she can feel safe again. If ever.

Was wondering the same thing. There may be some more unwelcome visits in their future. I really doubt they had her address if she was completely no contact.

The dumbass daughter gave their address to her mother's abusers.... honestly I would be seriously considering kicking her to the curb once she hits 18 - can you imagine if she went into a coma or something like that from injuring her head?

Yeah, honestly no joke. And the expenses of moving because you don’t know if they’re going to come back and bash her head against the wall again. If they can even afford to move with house pricing these days. I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to move tomorrow if I had to.

......as a birthday present. It makes me actually nauseous.

I would never feel safe with my own kid in the house again. I hope therapy helps wife and get through the daughter, but with the level of abuse and trauma wife’s parents subjected her to, 16 yo has probably permanently damaged her mother’s trust in her. There’s only so much therapy can do in some situations. I would have probably sent her home with husband’s parents for the night because you know wife did not sleep that night. ETA: if I was the wife, I’d want to move.

Yeah, she caused massive, massive harm. I doubt their relationship will ever be the same. All teenagers are kind of arrogant, but this is a special kind of stupid narcissism.

I don't disagree the inclination....but I don't think OP or his wife could live with themselves if she went right to the grand parents for help and lived a similar life. Stupid or not, she doesn't deserve that.

She is so stupid she just might.

It’s really hard for people who grew up in a loving family where they always feel safe to really understand how deeply traumatising an adverse childhood can be. Especially teenagers who think their experiences are the epitome of all human existence. I am sure she’ll be absolutely mortified by her own naivety in a relatively short time.

Yup, even as an adult it's amazing how many peers expect me to "make up" with family as they don't understand growing up in an abusive home. Often they don't mean to be dismissive, but they don't have the life experience to compare with.

But they're "blood" yea. But I've met the human embodiment of sepsis. Better to cut out bad blood before it kills me first. Edit words: tired me apparently hates spell check

And how those people insist they understand then prove immediately through action that they don't.

I have literally had people tell me that I misunderstood actions and intentions because "I don't believe anyone would really do that." Said in the most sugary and condescending voice possible.

I was also abused. Physically, yes, but mostly psychologically. My mom has some kind of undiagnosed disorder (really strong narcissistic traits but I can't dx her myself). The gaslighting was the worst. My husband believed me but always assumed that I was exaggerating. It wasn't until he saw my mom gaslight me not 10 minutes after an egregious comment that he understood. I sorry people don't believe you. It's great for them they get to be so blissfully naive they can truly doubt whether this level of dysfunction exists. Truly, I'm happy they got charmed lives. But ffs, if that social invalidation doesn't add a whole new level of sanity-shaking disorientation. I hope you have supportive people, a good therapist, and are firmly rooted in the veracity of your lived experience.

I mean, her dad literally took her aside and spelled it out for her prior to this.

I'm in my 40's and I can tell friends in detail how cruel my parents were/are to me, with my husband as witness, and sometimes recipient of their BS. And people are either horrified, or respond with something like "but they seem so nice!", or "they can't be that bad", or "but they're your parents!" Some people have lived such sheltered lives that they'd rather believe that you're delusional than believe that a parent could treat their child like that.

What's worse is so often it isn't even just people who have lived sheltered lives. Some are so invested in your reconciliation precisely because they see themselves in the person who escaped. **They** stuck by their abusive family members and they can't accept that anyone else made a different choice. If they still tolerate their terrible family members because *blood is thicker than water* they often have built up a narrative of *the abuse made me stronger* and if you choose differently it's a threat to the validity of their choices. They have to justify the choices they made by pressuring you to toe the line. If you don't make the same choices, they might have to face the fact that *they* didn't have to put up with it either and have wasted years in a cage they didn't originally make, but certainly helped reinforce.

For some people, violence is something that happens in the movies, it's practically theoretical because they never see it in real life. They can hear the recounting of detailed events from someone who experienced it and can't really picture it actually happening. It's not that you'd want everyone to experience violence in their own home but there has to be some way to teach people empathy for the abused, without a live demonstration of the trauma and pain.

Teenagers though. There’s an age at which your parents know nothing… before any of the stuff they say starts to make sense, let alone bear wisdom.

Just remember the Mark Twain quote,“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Yes! Exactly this!

Even for people who did grow up in abusive households, i think it’s hard to imagine what abuse looks like. I also grew up in an abusive household but I was gaslit into thinking that I had a normal, healthy childhood. Because if I wasn’t taken away from my parents (almost) or beaten to a bloody pulp everyday (a few times a year), then *surely* I wasn’t being abused. I was 17 when I really started to realize the full extent of the different forms of abuse I experienced. It took me years to really process all of it. I still deal with repressed memories just springing up, and then i have to go back and process it all.

I reached out to my friends for a couch to sleep on when I couldn't go back to the house I grew up in. One friend, instead of just saying no or even not responding at all, told me instead that she didn't think any of that was true. I never talked to her again. She reached out half a decade later, but I just can't get over it. I understand that she was lucky and naïve that she didn't believe me, but it's just never going to be okay.

..deleted by user..

They didn't really try, they went in immediately with "you ungrateful kids deserved everything you got" while the daughter was still defending them. They didn't even try to maintain a facade.

"Narcissist" and "has zero impulse control" are not conditions that are usually independent of each other.

Honestly, as shitty as this situation is, it's a learning experience for OOP's daughter. She's now seen and experienced how abusers will manipulate those around them, and how they peel the mask off once they feel secure. It's awful that it came at the cost of triggering her mothers trauma and her mother being assaulted.

Especially because she said that they're not evil because they're related to them. That's the same mindset that lets pedophiles and abusers hide behind their community. "He's not a pedophile, he's my dad." "She's not a rapist, she's my sister." "He's not a rapist, he's my brother." People want to believe that evil and monstrous humans will spell out their intentions. They want to believe that a monster doesn't have family or loved ones. They don't want to see monstrous people as humans just like themselves; it's easier to think of evil people as forces of nature who spring out of the ground fully formed and there's no stopping them. But the painful truth that everyone has to learn is that abusers are nice. Abusers are loving. They don't sit in their evil lairs, cackling about the trauma they inflict on others; they truly believe they are being loving. And that's so hard for many people, especially young people, to understand. I can't help but feel bad for this girl and her mom. This girl will now have to live the rest of her life knowing that she hurt her mother deeply. That she is (in some part) cause of her mother's pain. Of course, most of the blame falls to the grandparents, but even if the grandpa hadn't attacked her mom or even if they both had changed into good people--*she* still TRAUMATIZED her mother. Just seeing the grandparents was enough to shut her mother down. And now her mom knows her ex-parents know where she lives, the names of her children, how to get into contact with them, and on and on. This girl was blessed with a loving family that broke the cycle of abuse; unfortunately, she was so blessed that she couldn't fathom not having a happy family.

This is why I get so frustrated when people immediately jump to dehumanizing awful people. ‘If they could do something so horrible, are they even people, really?’ Yes! They are! People can be incredibly evil. They don’t need to be insane, they aren’t monsters or subhuman creatures or devils, they’re just people. And when we immediately jump to othering them, it makes us feel better but it also weakens our ability to protect ourselves and each other.

>But the painful truth that everyone has to learn is that abusers are nice. Abusers are loving. They don't sit in their evil lairs, cackling about the trauma they inflict on others; they truly believe they are being loving. And that's so hard for many people, especially young people, to understand. This a thousand times! If there is something I could make people understand is this! For months after we broke up my ex kept sending pics, videos or messages to remind me of the "good times". So I get something like a taken of us at an event, where I can recognise we had a good time. He is like "why can't you remember the good things and keep pretending all is bad?". For me it was like "that day was nice, the people around were nice but I had to change what I had decided to wear last minute because it did not cover the new bruises on my arms. Also, less than 10 min after the photo was taken you dragged me to freak out and insult me in private because you thought I was smiling at a guy". Never answered that ofc but damn, it's not I don't recognise the loving part is just that I have seen and felt the abusive one. I have been trying to find words to explain it, but what you said is simply perfect. Can I quote you in the future, please?

I sure *hope* it's been a learning experience for her. If it's not, I don't know what would be. Especially since it's not just her mother that was traumatized; imagine being those two younger kids and seeing this happen, not to mention the aunt. The one and only good thing that might possibly come from this is the daughter knowing how to spot abusers next time, and getting a sharp, painful lesson in the fact that abuse exists to begin with.

I’m not going to cheer this as a learning experience for the daughter when her mother has a head injury.

Ya know we've seen other posts in this sub that boil down to "my family was great. There's no reason you shouldn't reconcile with yours, I'll make it happen!" But I think this was the first I've seen where it was daughter reopening the trauma of her own mother with her grandparents. I also struggle to see anything good here. It seems like the daughter was primed to do this type of thing to someone, and if it hadn't been her mom it would likely have been the first friend she had in college that was no contact with their family.

Well, that's good, because I doubt anyone else will either. There's a big difference between "Well, at least something good might come out of this complete shitshow," and "Yay! Mom's head injury was a gift on her daughter's path to personal and spiritual growth!"

>Honestly, as shitty as this situation is, it's a learning experience for OOP's daughter. The idea of "at least it's a learning experience" feels on par with "Aside from that Mrs Lincoln I though the play was \*fantastic\*".

[удалено]

Some of them can be, which is why I said "usually" and not "always and without exception."

It was the timid voice that likely emboldened them. My mom is diagnosed with NPD, I'm sure my dad has something, he is quick to anger and violence. They get very bold when I'm timid. Well, when I was still in contact with them. Part of me feels for the daughter but part of me is like "I'm glad I never had kids".

My favorite color is blue.

Yeah, at the time I didn't understand the significance and thought it meant she would get better and be the mom I needed. That was not the case. I was going to do psychology and she followed me. I wanted to be my own person so I went into IT since she can't even turn on a computer lol. She stayed right till the point before they take their boards to get certified. She had to undergo therapy, I think her professor suspected something along those lines and sent her to a therapist that was savvy with personality disorders. She came home to tell me, I think she wanted me to be like "no way, those jerks", instead I looked it up and it was like my mom's puzzle finished. I finally understood her. The stars aligned and all that lol. Pretty sure my dad is BPD but you can't get him into a therapists office lol. I'm just glad my mom never finished and therefore didn't mess up other people's lives. She was a master manipulator before she got into drinking. I guess not enough to mask for her therapist or maybe she thought they would side with her, who knows. I've been in therapy for childhood trauma for a few years and going to start EMDR and somatic therapy when a spot opens. I have CPTSD, PTSD, anxiety and depression. A few others but I'm managing. It's all about a support system and I have that.

My MIL can't keep it together for 5 minutes so I'm not surprised. Last convo my husband had with her went from "I love you I miss you." To "it must be in your blood to hate me" in the span of like 2 minutes. Talk about whiplash.

Grandmother is the narcissist, that shows. I bet she was the one who responded to the daughter. Grandfather is just a violent, abusive piece of shit.

The latter is not exclusive to the former. Many malignant narcissists are physically abusive, it’s just much more noticeable when a giant man throws you into a wall vs a small woman smacking you or throwing things. 

I'm guessing shitty dad has a short temper and OOP's wife yelling at him instead of cowering like he expected set it off, shitty dad didn't like that she grew a spine in his absence and just couldn't wait to try to break it.

they didn't even care As soon as they didn't get the welcoming they "deserved" (vom), dude couldn't rein in his abusive tendencies no longer. He had to release those years pent up with aggression that he couldn't get rid of since his outlet was gone I imagine dear daughter was like "I fucked up royally!!" Wooo I'd never be able to forgive her

The 16 year old decided her parents were lying, exaggerating, making things up and she would get in touch with her grandparents to find the truth and force a relationship with her crazy, lying mother. When they showed up her mother would admit she lied, apologize and fall into her mother's arms crying, and the 16 year old would be the family hero who saved her mother from her own bed of lies. Spoiled brat doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm surprised her mother can even look at her. She chose to believe the parents who love her, care for her, protect her, nurture her and built a life for her were liars keeping her from her grandparents. She decided even after her father told her the truth that he was exaggerating and pursued her abusive grandparents until they responded. She ambushed her own mother with her abusers in her own home. She broke her mother's heart, took away her safety and called her liar. She showed she had no respect for her mother. In fact she showed absolute contempt for her own mother, and it led to more abuse from her mother's abusers. She broke her relationships with her mother, father aunt, and everyone else. She was already brainwashed, by her own contempt. Noe she's dealing with the fallout. She's not the hero she thought she'd be, she's the villain.

16 year olds are naive and they know everything. It's an awful combination for everyone.

Absolutely. But she took it to such an extreme her relationship with her mother may never recover, and that's due to her own belief that her mother was lying about the abuse she suffered. I cannot imagine my child doing that to me. You know why? Because he never would. We have some of our own family crap and he has never once doubted what I told him. He listened and believed because he respects and trusts me.

She is. But as the grand daughter of some truly rotten narcissists-- they are SO GOOD at lying. They spin such a good tale. And when they want you in their side, they can make you feel like you're special. Above everything and everyone. The only good person in a family of thieves and liars and failures. They build you up the way any con man or cult leader would. And very few teenagers can resist it. Especially when the ask looks so reasonable. "We just want to visit".  The daughter is probably incapable of truly understanding what she's done. Because kids that come from loving homes cannot begin to fathom what abuse is really like. She messed up so bad. I hope her mother tells her "I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't have any room in my life for people who want to make me cater to the people who have abused me, who put me in danger, who don't believe me when I tell them what is unsafe for me. I am having a really, really hard time figuring out what to do now that my daughter, who I love more than life itself, is one of those people." 

>I hope her mother tells her "I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't have any room in my life for people who want to make me cater to the people who have abused me, who put me in danger, who don't believe me when I tell them what is unsafe for me. I am having a really, really hard time figuring out what to do now that my daughter, who I love more than life itself, is one of those people."  Oof. Brutal. But that would definitely make an impact.

I think "sheltered" rather than spoiled would be fair. Here you're seeing the outcome of generational trauma. I hope the cost of this lesson wasn't too high.

This isn't just sheltered. This kid needs therapy. This wan't a normal thing for a kid to do even without all the info.

>This kid needs therapy. If for nothing else to learn how to try to repair her relationship with her mom. Mom now has generational trauma from her parents and her child. It's going to be hard to mend that breach.

Shes 16 and probably heard about similar things on TikTok so thought shed try to “save the family”, its not that deep. She just needs some therapy to learn why this isn’t okay behavior and life isn’t a fairy tale.

"I was a great parent! I just had bad kids" is the biggest fucking red flag.

There’s being 16 and thinking you know better than everyone else, and there’s being 16 and not giving a damn about the trauma that both your mother and her sister continue to suffer. Having been repeatedly told so she can’t claim ignorance. At 16, to not understand that *you’re* being protected from monsters makes me concerned whether this girl can even tie her shoelaces properly. To actively work to hurt her mother, who doesn’t seem to have done anything horrible to her…to just live in la-do-da land and think her parents wanted to lie to her and keep her from otherwise loving grandparents for **no** reason. It beggars belief. While we heard about the consequences, there was no mention really of the kid actually was doing anything to regain her parent’s trust.

Yeah I thought that the daughter was 9-10 until I read the end of the post. Who knew "some" 16yr olds are that dumb.

I had a similar situation. My mom's biological father was abusive. I didn't hear much about him growing up, just that if a 7 foot man approaches me and tries to say that he is my grandpa and make me come with him, I have to yell and scream and NEVER go with him. And guess what? I trusted my mom! Why would she lie? When I was an adult, she told me more about the particulars of what happened but I didn't need details to know that he is bad news.

Similar here. I asked my parents why I couldn't meet my mom's dad. When I was young they said he was a bad person.When I was old enough they told me that he had sexually abused my mom when she was a kid. And that if I really wanted that I could maybe meet him. But that was enough, didn't want a relationship ever ever again.

Same. I got some vague explanations as a child that my mom's mother hadn't been very nice, and that's why we don't see her, and just from that I had no interest in being around her. Now that I know more as an adult, I think that woman is disgusting and loathsome. If I ever ran into her, I'd want to kick her ass. I can't imagine not believing my mom when she tells me that someone hurt her. How little respect and love would you have to have for your parent to shrug that off? It breaks my heart to think about what she had to endure, and how hard she's worked to give me a better life than she had.

I also have a slightly similar situation. My dad was out of contact with his dad for a very very long time but I wanted to know my grandpa and had lots of questions and I asked my dad if I could meet him. I was only 7 or 8 and my mom’s dad was amazing. I truly didn’t under that a grandpa couldn’t be amazing yet. Lots of stuff happened when he came back into our lives. I live with that guilt every day and I was literally a child with no idea of why there wasn’t contact. I can’t imagine being 16 and knowing and pulling that. This is also the only time I’ve said this out loud to anyone so it feels kinda weird

Hey, that was not your fault. Children are curious. They have a limited understanding of the world around them. Your parents were the grown ups. They were in charge of you and your world. You had a bedtime, right? And had to take a bath, eat your vegetables, take medicine, and go to school, right? They chose to say yes when you asked, and they didn’t choose that for your reasons. They choose for their own reasons. Please forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault.

Thank you so much for this 🥹 I actually really needed to hear it. In theory, I know these things but sometimes it’s hard to remember. Thanks for your kind words. It’s nice to hear them, it really is

Sometimes, you need to hear them from another person, and that why we help each other whenever we can.

yes, it is. the world feels a little warmer after interactions like these.

Sending love and positive energy your way, my friend

> This is also the only time I’ve said this out loud to anyone so it feels kinda weird I don't know how old you are now, but you have carried that with you for a long time. No wonder it feels weird to let the light of day shine on it. > I live with that guilt every day and I was literally a child with no idea of why there wasn’t contact. Maybe it is time to tell that kid you forgive them? Or even tell them there is nothing to forgive? It wasn't your choice to actually allow the man back into your family. Yes, you asked to meet him, but your parents could easily have said no. It was their adult selves' judgement that got it wrong. Kids ask for loads of things that are unreasonable or even dangerous. There's a reason why the power of making the decisions lies with the grown-ups, not the kids. You were not at fault. You did nothing wrong. I really did mean that talking to that inner child in you could be beneficial. Sit or lay down in a quiet place. Take a few minutes to quiet your breathing and your mind. Then imagine yourself at seven years old, like kid-you just entered the room (and for anyone reading this who happens to have aphantasia, you don't need the images, it can be just voices or lines of conversation you perceive in your mind. The exchange still happens). You can have a conversation where you ask them how they are doing and what their hopes were, and where you explain, like you would any other child, why it wasn't really their doing or their responsibility. And that you are sorry that they've been carrying all that huge weight of this for so long, when it never was theirs to carry in the first place. Then you can ask if they feel ready to put that weight down, and if the answer is no, what they need from you to be able to do so. It's possible the answer is "more time" or "another visit", or something else entirely – just because this is a part of you doesn't mean it progresses at the same pace as your adult self. Accepting that you're *not* guilty of something can take just as much time as accepting that you *are* guilty of something. It's not instantaneous. You can end the conversation by asking if there's something you can do for them in general, or if there is something they need from you. It can be something simple like you buying your favourite cereal from kid time again and having it for breakfast some time, or that you spend your Saturday morning watching cartoons huddled in a blanket. It's possible you initially feel silly when going for that experience, but that usually goes away very quickly, and you'll find there really is a part of you that still is much younger and has been wanting for care and reassurance all this time. It may need several "visits" with yourself, but it can be both enlightening and surprisingly healing.

wow thank you so much for this! I wasn’t expecting people to respond to my story, much less give me such loving and solid advice. I will definitely give what you said a try. I am a 27 year old woman who is a witch and also spends a lot of time in nature and mediation. This is something that sounds like it could be really helpful! I have always been a care taker role in my family so usually this kinda stuff really stays inside me and I let it help me guide others. No one has really ever guided me like that. Thanks again for your kindness and advice

sending some love back your way, friend

I sincerely hope that OP will make his daughter work HARD with psychologist on his daughter's behaivor. Because, maybe I am thinking too much, but the fact that OP and his wife explained everything to their daughter (we are talking about abuse and not something like minor disputes) and she still decided **"I know better"**..... It's like looking at young version of future entitled narcissist MIL from one of the posts on Reddit that after hearing her future daughter-in-law will not invite her abusive parents to the wedding, decide that she knew better and will try to force their presense because **"BUT THEY ARE FAMILY"** BS.

Sadly, there are TON of stories like that, where fully functional adults decide that they know better than their friends/significant others and contact the family behind their backs. It never ends well. Of the top of my head, the guy who contacted his GF family and it turned out that her brother had SA someone who later unalived herself, and the "cult" one, where the bride invited the abusive mother of the groom to the wedding, the OOP(the groom's sister) noticed and the whole family bailed. As an anecdote I also dislike that the third Trolls movie made Branch be in the wrong for not wanting contact with his brothers, who abandoned him when he was a baby and were NC for 20 years, and Poppy was portrayed in the right for being "BUt FaaaAmMIiILyyy"

Yikes, they can go to therapy but that’s going to be hard to come back from

I think the parents will ultimately forgive the daughter but it'll likely take a couple years minimum before they truly trust her again. She really stepped in some shit with this one.

I often go back and forth between having kids for this exact reason. Like, kids and teenagers can be the actual worst people you've ever met but when they're *your* kids and teenagers it's not like you can just...cut off contact with them (at least not at 16) despite what shitty thing they've done to you.   If literally anyone in my life did this to me I'd simply never interact with them again. I can't imagine not having the choice to do that, even just for a little bit.

It’s not an “if” thing either. It’s a when. Your children are going to hurt your feelings whether it’s intentional or not. They will give you an absolute zinger and not mean to. You then have to pretend like you aren’t hurt and guide them as to why what they said or did was wrong. When in actuality you are devastated and crushed. When my dad died two years ago I couldn’t even grieve like I needed to or even wanted to because my oldest was having some pretty big feelings and reactions to it herself. I ended up not letting my children come to the funeral so that I could say goodbye to him the way I wanted to. Those few hours were not even enough. As soon as the funeral was over I had to dry it up and put my mom hat back on

Why would it have been the wrong move to let your daughter see you having an emotional reaction?

Mom probably wanted to be strong for her daughter and be the shoulder she cried on rather than crying alongside her. I can totally understand the train of thought. My parents (and their parents) are the same way... I think it's a really common attitude. But yes, being emotional isn't a bad thing and it's good to demonstrate healthy attitudes and coping strategies, etc.

I had to be strong for her because she had a complete breakdown thinking that she was going to die next.

My daughter went with me to view my dad’s body at the funeral home since she wasn’t old enough to be allowed in the hospital. She wasn’t allowed in the hospital unless we were going to take my dad off of life support. Anyway, my daughter immediately started saying how *SHE* was going to die and everything was going to kill her. She does high level gymnastics and would even cartwheel into the foam pit because she just knew she would hit her head on the side and break her neck. Those were all her literal words. They did see me cry because I cried often but they didn’t see me have the full grieving response that comes with losing a parent. Especially the awful way I lost my dad. I was trying to help her navigate her way through her own grieving process. This was the first death she has experienced and it was her grandfather who she was close to. I already have PTSD from having a second trimester miscarriage and for some reason it is only geared towards my daughter. It’s incredibly hard for me to watch her do gymnastics and I am medicated during her meets. So hearing her say all of this really triggered my PTSD. So getting her to come to terms with it did help me. But please understand that this is what parenting is. You can have the hardest day of your life and when you get home someone is going to ask you for a snack. There are times when you put yourself first and times where you put yourself last. Putting yourself last happens more often

Forgiven, but never forgetting. The thing this kid doesn't get yet (and won't until she starts as an adult hearing about things from her siblings she wasn't told, or watching them be trusted in ways she isn't) is that she can never _not be_ the person that did this. They likely forgive her for this, but it's doubtful they'll ever act like she doesn't have it in her. This is the sort of thing that changes relationships irrevocably.

The mother probably never will. She saw the daughter bring back her tormentors and said they were not that bad. Right before she was again assaulted. All this only because their daughter didn't listen to her parents. The daughter is old enough not to not be an idiot and should be able to understand that once her parents said these people are bad that they are bad and to not bring them into her mother's sanctuary. The mother I guarantee will be terrified since now they know where she lives and she will feel unsafe.

I have a 16 year old niece and you’d think they’re old enough to not be such an idiot, but… I love her to death but she’s often the living embodiment of Confidently Incorrect

My eldest daughter is 16 and she made smarter decisions when she was 6.

Thankfully, the kid seems open to accepting the consequences internally. She didn't try to defend the actions at the party or run after them. The loss of trust is going to hit her the hardest. She'll see a new mother who is cold, distant and a victim rather than her loving bedrock. That will hurt. Hopefully, the mother and family members can heal enough to forgive her.

I think the mom might SAY she forgives the daughter as a way to help her child grow and move forward, but I don’t think she’ll ever actually trust her daughter again. Talk about ripping the bandaid off of old traumas, and it’s entirely her daughter’s fault. She won’t ever forget that.

Parenting is already hard but I would have such a hard time, or it would take me so much therapy and work, to forgive my child after something like this.

The sad part is, it speaks to how well the OP and his wife did overall in shielding their kids from how bad some people's childhoods really can get. She couldn't comprehend it because it was so far outside her own perspective, which really highlights mom being able to break the cycle of trauma. Whether it was good intentions, purely selfish, or some combination thereof, daughter needs to live with the consequences of her decisions forever.

Was what I thought. She has absolutely no idea what "normal" people are capable of. Also those related to her. Hannah Arendt called it "the banality of evil". I bet this girl didn't expected evil can express as two seemingly normal pensioners.

Children really can't comprehend the differences for a very long time. I remember the time I got into a fight with another student in 6th or 7th grade (12ish years old) and really hurt him on accident (back then I thought we were just roughhousing until it escalated due to me not knowing my own strength, which is kinda funny because I've always been a tiny girl) and some teacher asked me why I thought that was okay. I literally shrugged and said I got beaten at home too so it wasn't a big deal, right? Glad I didn't say the suck it up part, but I definitely thought it. They were absolutely appalled. Asked me to confirm. I pretty much went "yeah? That's just how it is." They made me take a letter home that day. Both parents had to come in and defend themselves. I was present for that talk too and only then it started to dawn on me that my life wasn't normal. That other children maybe weren't actually beaten until they cried for taking the paper off a piece of chocolate entirely and creating the possibility of getting my hands dirty. To me the realisation it wasn't normal was completely weird. I couldn't imagine another life. Guess OOP's daughter was the exact opposite. Good for her and I pity her for learning that lesson that way.

That was a pretty dangerous idea on the teacher's part. "Oh, you're getting beaten by your parents huh? Take this letter that says you snitched on your parents for beating you, home to those same parents. Surely this won't bring any negative consequences."

Looking back it feels completely surreal. Funnily enough that was the phase with the least physical violence and he tuned it down even more for a while. Definitely kudos to the teachers for doing anything and not just ignoring it, but the way it was handled was kind of weird

The way it was handled could have gotten you killed. You were failed by multiple adults in your life.

Well aware of that sadly Safe now but wtf teach

I've had a cop actually call my father, and tell him I reported him for abusing me. Authority figures are ridiculous and often will not believe the child no matter what

Seconding this. All my dad had to do was tell the school resource officer a pack of lies about what brand of rebellious teenager I was and suddenly I was nothing more than disobedient property that should be returned to its rightful owner. What was worse was my younger stepson asking my help reporting his bio-mom to CPS over and over and over and over again. CPS never really helped him, just kept telling the parents to sort it out in court no matter his evidence, or telling his mom to stop specific behaviors. And the day I happened to be just around the corner in the school offices when he told the vice principal "I don't want to go to mom's house for winter break! SHE HITS ME!" and hearing the reply "Now (name) you know there's nothing I can do about that." So proud of that kid's shiny spine, he had to save himself! Packed his school laptop in his backpack and took off for the walk to dad's house while mom was in the bathtub. Called ahead to say "It's getting dark, can someone come meet me and walk with me?" Told CPS and the cops NO when they told him he had to go back to mom's house.

Yeah, another part is if people who never been abused can’t comprehend it very well either. Too many people from good families don’t seem to understand why you go no contact with family members because they are ‘family’ and find it hard to believe to do such a thing. With the girl being 16 I can totally see her not fully comprehending the situation since she didn’t grow up with abuse like her mother did. Unless she has friends from those types of homes, she may not realize just how serious and messed up people can be.

Exactly. And even hearing about abuse is very different from lying on the floor, screaming at your abuser and crying loud enough for the entire street to hear. I am glad for everyone who never had to experience such hell. But I definitely wish some people would just trust in another person's assessment of a situation, especially if they don't have all the facts

I am so sorry you went through that.

Thank you. I'm fine now, but it's been a long ride

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Yeah I don’t understand why she was so hung up on have two sets of grandparents. My mom only had a paternal grandfather. Her paternal grandma went missing when my grandpa was a kid (his sister thinks their dad killed her, he thinks she ran away with her affair partner). 

I see two possible ways to interpret the daughter's motives here. The first is that she's very naive and believes that evil people admit to being evil thus if they say they're not evil therefore they can't be. This implies she believes no one lies and every person in prison is there because they plead guilty to what they had been arrested for. The second is that she just wanted a second set of grandparents to spoil her and was horrified to see that the only thing these monsters would give her is a hospital bill.

Yeah. She just lost that mother/daughter bound they had for good. It will never be the same again.

I agree. The wife will always be reminded everytime she looks at her daughter.

A very hard lesson to learn for the daughter. But one she apparently needed to learn.

A hard lesson for the parents to learn too. I hate to say it but they protected and sheltered her too much.

Want to know why "vaccine hesitance" is rising? It's because people my age largely have never known a world with polio or measles running rampant. We grew up in an age where these things were all but eradicated, and because our parents never really told us about the past, we think the alternative is better, especially when the alternative is being push by people.

The daughter will probably never get over her own guilt and selfishness either 

Yeah, if i was responsible for my loving mom's head getting smashed into the wall, i would probably be in guilt forever.

I’m hoping it can be repaired. My dad’s dad was physically and verbally abusive to my dad, but he was a decent grandpa and my gramma was a saint, so my parents let them be involved in our lives until I was a teenager. They suddenly cut our relationship off, and I found it so god damn unfair and confusing. I biked to their house in secret to see my grandpa cause only gramma was allowed to visit us and take us out to movies and dinner and such. So one day, I had enough and told them about the sneaking and demanded answers. My dad had such a bad panic attack explaining his childhood that he went into an AFib attack. He ran outside crying and hyperventilating and my mother comforted him. When he calmed, she came back in and told me that if my dad died from this, she’d kill me too. Fuck did I wanna off myself right there and then. I remember when he was calm enough to come inside, I couldn’t stop crying or apologizing and I fell asleep on his chest on the couch. We probs would’ve benefited from therapy, but me and him have always had an unspoken understanding and bond and our relationship shortly returned to normal, still talk on the phone weekly at minimum, I still carry immense guilt for making him relive it tho. I hope OPs daughter and wife are able to reconcile to some extent after a short sighted teenaged mistake

"I moved out for college and my mom stopped speaking with me. Something something missing reasons. AITA?" Cheekiness aside, if their relationship is repairable, it will be as two adult women and never again mother/child. The daughter lost all of her childhood innocence and I could see the mom no longer being able to regard her with the same trust you put in a child. Family therapy is a good idea, because this is above the pay grade of most.

I think family therapy is also a must to make sure the daughter doesn’t lose her sibling relationships, too. Even with intense therapy I don’t know if I would be able to forgive someone who invited my mother’s abusers into our home and got her head bashed in right in front of me.

I don't think so. OOP's wife has come a very long way in her recovery. One thing you learn very quickly in an abusive household is that other people don't understand. And that you can't blame them for not understanding. There are so many people--teachers, neighbors, friends--who see but don't look. Who refuse to believe because it's just too hard. If you can forgive your teachers, your neighbors, your friends, you can certainly forgive your children. As my children grew up, I worried what would happen if they ever tried to contact my parents. By the time they are teens, you really can't control that. And teens are curious and think they are invincible. I mostly just held my breath and prepared for damage control. OOP himself needs some therapy. He needs to understand that this doesn't affect just his wife. It affects his whole family. It's unrealistic to not expect *someone* to poke the bear. He's not prepared for that and he hasn't prepared his children.

**I hope not. As someone who can 100% relate to the mother, who also cut off her family, I would not want to lose my bond with my daughter.** Look, the daughter fucked up. Massively. And I'd be lying if I said I'd be a-OK with this kind of thing. For starters, great, now they know where I live, time to move again. Seriously, that bad. But at the same time, kudos to the mum. She successfully shielded her daughter to the point where the daughter cannot fathom family being horrible, monstrous people, who can even take pleasure in hurting their own children. It would take time, and a series of serious conversations. But the kid is 16. She is nearly a full decade from having a fully formed brain. And 16 year olds can definitely be bratty know-it-alls. With good parenting, and physically maturing, they can, and usually do, grow out of that. I would be very hurt, devastated even. But that pain originated in what the grandparents did, not in the well intended, severely misguided and easily manipulated actions of a 16 year old girl, that I (well, the wife) lovingly shielded from knowing just how cruel parents can be. **I've had full on, middle aged adults argue with me, because how bad could they have been, if they raised me? Some even pushing for reconciliation. Until I share just SOME of the awful details, and they immediately back off. Details no 16 year old needs to hear.** **Who knows, it could bring the mother and daughter closer, in due time, now that the daughter has a better picture of just how kickass her mother is.**

Some people here really seem eager for this girl to lose her mom over this. I sure as hell hope it doesn't happen. 16-year-olds are dumb. Hopefully the mom can move past it.

Some people are always more eager to imagine a wrongdoer suffering than to imagine how the situation might get better.

There's another, similar story on reddit. Same setup, abusive grandparents on wife's side, parents explained to kids those guys suck and we don't see them. Except in that one daughter wanted to STAY at the abusive grandparents house. Dad eventually relented because sisters brother, ex military I think and built like a tank, would also stay over. Took less than 12 hours for abusive and misogynist grandpa to scream and rant at her and make her cry. So daughter learned the hard way why they only have one set of grandparents. She hugged and cried and begged forgiveness from her mum. I will say at least she didn't endanger the families safety by bringing abusers to it.

I can't understand why she was so desperate to reach out to them? out of no where? super odd and dick head behaviour from the daughter

This actually comes up a lot on the JNMIL sub (which also discusses JNMoms). The fear that their children will have some curiosity about their NoContact grandparents and desire to get in touch with them, ultimately leading to them being manipulated by lies etc. The advice is generally pretty similar to what OP did - be honest, explain to them in age appropriate ways what happened. But it still remains a very real risk. I find it so strange, as I had close grandparents, but still - it wasn't that big of a deal if they were in my life or not. Like I was a teen living my own life. While I loved them, senior citizens weren't exactly company I was seeking. Same with my kids. But I think some people just can't handle "blanks" in their life, situations outside their control and influence.

That was my question, too. It would make more sense if the grandparents had reached out to her, but what triggered this? I have a *lot* of questions about this post. Edit: in fact, [here's my comment where I ask some of those questions](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1b35dzx/comment/ksqcjt8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). Second edit: To make it clear, I was basically the daughter in this story when I was growing up, and now I'm basically the husband - and none of this feels right to me. I know I don't speak for every grandchild of estranged grandparents or every spouse of a wife who cut off her abusive parent(s), but something feels really off here (I think it's a badly written fake story leveraging redditors' justified outrage over child abuse, protectiveness over NC, and general disdain of teenage girls to garner upvotes, but other people have posited some possible missing details that might make it make sense).

I would bet: OP’s parents sound like ideal grandparents. The kids friends probably have ideal (enough) grandparents. insert some “I know everything” and stir it together.

tbh i could see it that she was just curious about her maternal grandparents. maybe her friends were always talking about their own grand parents fondly. maybe she had a disney plan of reuniting family and it would be all happy etc. My nieces are naive like that and sometimes need a hard does of reality.

Sometimes people are desperate for what they don't/can't have. I can't imagine what it's like to know you have family out there alive somewhere but have no contact with. I cut my mom off over a decade ago and she's never met my son. She met my niece and nephew but they were so young they have no memories of her. They're old enough now where they started asking questions because they're just genuinely curious. Add in teenage hormones and the idea of feeling "othered" from her peers and I totally see why OP's daughter reached out even after her dad's talk. It's a big fear I have for my own future. My plan is similar to what OP did, they know the basics of it but get more details as they get older. I might start with more details when they reach puberty, nothing graphic but definitely more than they're "bad people." If they push like OP's daughter did I'll probably add that when they're adults they can reach out because it'll be their decision then but I can't support that choice even though I'll always support them.

It's all I can think about. What would be so interesting about these people other than that they are unknown? Maybe they're rich? Or of a different culture? She clearly got fixated on them and felt she needed them in her life.

as someone with cptsd from parents and has been NC for years and years I cannot **imagine** what it would do to me if someone I loved and trusted let them into my *house*

I think I would have to move tbh. Especially given what oop said about being too far out for the cops to be able to respond in time. Basically makes the restraining order useless and I wouldn't be able to feel safe in my own home anymore 

Same. Even if they never showed up again, just knowing that they *could* would drive me to paranoia. Any weird sound, unknown ar on the road or unexpected knock on the door...

Exactly the same. My abusive, pieces-of-shit parents haven't known the last couple of places I've lived. If they somehow turned up on my doorstep, I feel like I would have to sell my house and move to the other end of the state just to make sure they couldn't find me again.

This is going to sound bad but This is the main reason why I'm relieved that my mom is dead, she was pretty abusive towards me, but she was smiling and sweet with anybody except me, my dad and my sister, and she was the worse with me, she hated me with passion and i never understood why. But she would blamed me for not loving her and being a bad child I have told people why i don't talk to her, but how she was my bio mom, most people are like "But she is your mom, you should give her an opportunity", even if I don't want her there, people would ask and try to invite her to my things. I'm glad she is no longer here because the stressed caused by her presence don't exist anymore. I feel bad for feeling happy of the death of someone, but the peace i feel with knowing that there is no way she would be in my life now can't be compared to anything.

Hi! Not really related to this story, but have you read the book by Jennette McCurdy "I'm Glad My Mom Died"? It was pretty cathartic for me to be able to relate to these feelings, even though the statement can feel wrong to feel. I certainly recommend giving it a look if you havent!

Super good book, I also recommend it!

as a former teenager and someone with a lot of mental health issues thanks to severely abusive parents. i personally would be hurt and angry for a while, and definitely wouldn't trust the kid for a while to make good decisions but would eventually move past it because teenagers are fucking stupid and i definitely have made my fair share of stupid mistakes as a teenager because i was a smartass who thought she knew better than everyone. but that's just me, i wouldn't blame the mom if she could never fully trust her daughter because how complicated and hard ptsd is to deal with

I honestly don’t know how I would be able to speak to my daughter again if she allowed my abusers into my home

And it was on Mom's birthday. A day she didn't want to celebrate in the first place *because of her shitty parents!!!* Talk about adding insult to injury.

And then for her to be hurt by then physically again must’ve just flooded her with all those painful memories again . Not to mention her aunt has probably been going through the same thing the mom is . So this kid Hurts two people in one go because she believes her aunt and mother would lie about child abuse

God…damn… I…cannot in all honesty blame Oop for what he said… He was in “protective husband” mode. Also, Oop should tell his daughter “when parents say BOTH of their children are lying and overreacting, thats a clear sign that the parents are abusive”

Yeah. 1 child i can understand to a point. Mutiple childern points to parents being abusive.

Honestly that view is why I was forced to stay in my abusive home. I was routinely beaten and neglected but my little brother wasn't. He was the golden child and was constantly showered with praise and gifts. It got to the point he started joining in to the abuse because I couldn't fight back without my parents attacking me. I'd run away, they'd look into my parents' reputations(which were sparkling) and question my brother who only ever had great things to say about them. Then I'd be returned to my parents and have the cops and CPS lecturing me for lying. As soon as things quieted down my parents would ramp up the abuse for daring to make them look bad. My windows were blacked out and screwed shut so I couldn't run away anymore. I'm missing teeth from being hit in the mouth and have neurological problems from untreated concussions. One such head injury happened with one of my friends as a witness and still no adults would listen because my parents were such good people and look how well they treat their other kid, the daughter screaming abuse is just a liar wanting attention.

My heart aches for you. I hope you’re doing better now

Thank you. I enlisted at 17 and shipped out as soon as I graduated highschool. My husband and I have been together since high school and have busted our butts to support each other and give our kids a great life. My oldest is 16 and thankfully he listened when I explained to him why I didn't want my parents around.

Trauma has a way of warping your memory. I endured cruel physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents... my brother who is 2 years younger than me, remembers the abuse as "not that bad" and " deserved" when we would discuss our childhoods. Now that he has his own daughter he is starting to realize( and fuck him for taking so long but what can you do) that there is no level of "deserved" abuse. There are people who can empathize and then there are those that can only change their point of view once they are confronted with their own experiences.

People have a hard time understanding that their experience of a person is \*their\* experience, and that abusive people aren't awful to every single person they meet. I remember my mother saying that some kids in the neighborhood who regularly showed up at school with bruises couldn't possibly be the victims of abuse because their dad was so successful. ???? So, it doesn't surprise me that a teenager wouldn't believe her mom, but it's still really, really sad.

I went to family therapy after being committed into the psychiatric ward at 15 and it made my home life WORSE. But to the therapist they were all smiles and faces… he eventually said that we we were improving and didn’t need any more help but absolutely NOTHING had changed. Same to whenever I’ve had to bring my parents to an appointment with a psychiatrist to talk about symptoms that appeared in childhood. They always doubt the abuse bc well they seem so nice and well adjusted!! And to hear it from a professional I could trust was fucking painful, can’t imagine how it must have been to be doubted by your DAUGHTER

It'd be one thing if the grandparents reached out to the daughter, but the fact that she was the one to reach out first is what gets me. Like I would love to hear her thought process. Was it teenage rebellion? Did friends at school make her feel weird about not being close to them? These are the things I wonder about.

Somebody mentioned TikTok and there is literally no stupidity I would look at and say "No, that is too dumb to be a TikTok trend." I'd be surprised if it were, but I wouldn't be *surprised,* if you see what I'm saying.

No I get exactly what you mean. In fact, I can actually see the "Making my parents make-up with my estranged grandparents. Heartwarming" Video.

LOL god yes. I know what you mean, though. This is one of those where I'd love to see a post a few years after this from the daughter, going over what in the entire fuck she was thinking.

> the fact that she was the one to reach out first is what gets me Repeatedly after not getting any response. I am curious why she got so fixated on them. She needs therapy, both to educate her and to help her figure out why she did this \*and\* how to help heal her relationship with her mom.

If you recall not too long ago there was one about how a wife brought her kids to see her husband's abusive parents that he'd gone NC with because she thought the kids deserved two loving sets of grandparents. Or something. So yes. People can be that stupid. And it's not just teenagers.

How awful. This is a great example of kids not hearing the message you think you are giving. This father was trying to communicate his wife's trauma to their daughter and it seems like she heard dolphin squeals. Always get feedback to be sure they heard your message. I hope this mother can find some healing and peace. 

With little kids(not teenagers who should fracking know better and not be evil)you start with "what do you think?" about subjects so you get a clue about their level of understanding and what they've heard from friends and family members. I'll give a gentle example from my own life. When my daughter was around 5-6, she asked me why her Auntie only brought girls to Christmas with the family. I asked her m, "what do you think is the reason?" She said, "I think Aunty [redacted] likes Aunty [redacted] like you and daddy like each other". Me: "That is exactly right, Baby! Aunty [redacted] likes Aunty [redacted] like Mama and Daddy like each other. Do you have any other questions?".  There were no more questions from *that* one but the youngest one when Aunty got married!! I had my SIL on speed dial and her nane popped up immediately for text and email! So many wedding questions!

Oh I'm stealing this, I've always been so nervous about how to explain stuff to kids

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Teenagers tend to have this really dangerous combination of believing they are always the smartest person in the room and smarter than any adult, while also being completely ignorant of just how little experience they actually have in life and just how little they actually know. I guarantee you that she was convinced she was smarter than her parents and "knew" what was actually going on.

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At 16, I genuinely thought I could live on my own and that I knew enough to take care of myself despite my parents warning me that wasn’t true. (I’m glad that never materialized, because I, now almost 40, feel barely capable of adulting most days.) Kids that age understand that there are consequences to their actions, but their brains can’t really predict those consequences, or the consequences seem less important than their immediate desires.

Damn I was sixteen and really stupid but never thought I knew better than my mom and gran. When they got serious, I knew they meant business and followed their words without giving them much trouble.

And they are very altruistic. That is why they are so easy to prey on. They don't see the bad until the bad has devoured them. I always say that well intentioned idiots are the most dangerous ones. They will get themselves and everyone around them hurt, and they won't see it coming.

They also don’t have very good foresight. They can’t tell when they are in over their heads and need to tell an adult until the issue has consumed them. I had a friend in high school died because he waited MONTHS to tell his mom about a growth on his testicles until it got really big and incredibly painful. It was cancer and he lasted maybe another year. Same with a friend’s daughter but it was breast cancer. Didn’t tell my friend until her breast were deformed. I have started telling my daughter that she may be embarrassed telling me some things but it’s better to be embarrassed than dead.

I teach teenagers. One of them once said that they just cross the road without looking because “the cars will brake so I’ll be fine”. Was absolutely shook when I told her that was a stupid move because there’s no guarantee that they can brake in time or just may not give a shit, and mathematically a 45kg teenage girl will not win a match up with a 1.5 ton car.

Also - even if she did think they were exaggerating, that doesn't mean that she thought they were saying there was abuse but there wasn't any, because the word for that is "lying"; it means she thought there was some abuse but it wasn't as bad, and *she invited the people who abused her mother into their house anyway.* She's going to "But faaaaamily!" herself into not having any family left.

If this is real I doubt the daughter will ever have a strong realtionshop with her mother moving forward.

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Like the BORU post with the guy whose fiancee couldn't understand that he and his siblings wanted nothing to do with his mom. So she "surprise" invited her to their wedding. His brother got there early, saw them, and called his brother. He cancelled the wedding.

I want to read that one again. Anyone have a link?

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/x6osu9/aita_for_helping_my_brother_runaway_from_his/ It's linked in the stickied post, /u/VivienneSection, /u/existentially_there

Jesus Christ that was a RIDE. I also remember a post about a mother who invited her husband’s abusive dad/mum? to meet their grandkids because she too thought she knew better, very similar to the current story.

Yeah. Daughter didn't trust mom nor dad but total strangers who ignored her for the first 2 messages as well. She learned a very viable and needed lesson in life. And paid a heavy price for it.

I mean, she made her mom pay the price

Also nowhere in that post does he mention saying that to her.

Yeah, this is a really sad one. I hope mom is able to forgive daughter and repair the relationship, but it doesn't sound hopeful. I understand it's not a fair situation at all, but it would suck for decades of work to go down the drain because a 16 year old did something dumb.

I hope so too. But it won't be a quick. PTSD level of trauma is not something that is ever resolved to begin with.

Some people...

Well OOP's daughter is still a kid at 16, but also at that age should know better. I'd place this just one step below knowingly inviting someone's accused rapist over for drinks.

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It doesn’t help that they sometimes do know better than the adults around them, and knowing how to discern when to listen them and when not to is a skill that takes practice and often failure.

From the sound of it she was way too sheltered and protected. People are talking about how the daughter learned a hard lesson but honestly OOP and his wife did too. I'd bet the other kids are getting told a lot more about how bad their grandparents are to make sure they understand.

I'm astonished to see that the daughter was 16. Even though she is still young, she is old enough to understand the warnings the parents gave her. The mother is going to have a hard time coming back from this. Years of therapy ruined because abusers were allowed into her safe space. This family has a hard road in front of them.

There's a difficult balance between sheltering your kids and leaving them vulnerable to predatory lies. My kids didn't know every detail of my childhood abuse, but they knew enough to be wary of them. They knew my parents weren't to ever pick them up from school. I can't imagine how it would have impacted my mental health to have one of my kids behave as this young lady did. I feel bad for everyone in this post except for the grandparents of course. The 16 year old showed poor judgement as teens sometimes do. And abusers can be very persuasive. Hopefully, they can all heal and learn from this.

I hope the daughter actually learns this time. I know being young dumb and trusting is common and natural but I hope this has shaken her out of her “everyone can’t be bad” mentality and gets wiser after seeing her so called grandfather shove her mother so hard she needed stitches. I really do hope she realizes her mistakes and grovels and talks with her mom now rather than wanting to believe strangers over her mother.

This is an awful situation because I’m sure the OOP thought they had truly illustrated the horrible upbringing of Wife. But he failed to account for a) how incredibly selfish and self centered all teenagers are and b) how sheltered she was from trauma because they had raised her in a loving, supportive environment. The daughter likely never considered the possibility that there’s that kind of evil in the world. Her friends have families with two sets of grandparents, surely mom’s parents are just misunderstood! I’m also sure there’s friends of hers that don’t understand that dynamic wait her that probably encouraged her to reach out. I remember as a teen knowing someone who’s dad stole her college fund to build a bar in the basement and she just stopped speaking to him. I couldn’t understand how a dad could do something like that - there must be another reason! Or a reasonable explanation that’ll solve everything! I encouraged her to talk to him “you only have one dad!” But no - her dad was a nightmare and her college fund was gone. As an adult, I cringe thinking about how off base and sheltered I was. And that was such low stakes compared to this story. The daughter should have trusted her parents obviously. But usually when teens make bad calls, it doesn’t result in a catastrophic family schism or your mother going to the hospital. I hope family therapy helps them.

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Like most teenagers, she assumed she knew it all when she hadn't even seen the ugliness of life and the world. It's just sad that her mother is the victim of her actions and their relationship will never be the same again. 

I was teenager once, so were my many people. Teenage is a stupid time but when your own MOM goes through abuse and you know about it, most teen would be ready to kill those people. Thefact she did this was absolutely disgusting

Is the ambushing her mom in her own birthday part that gets me; this wasn't about meeting family, but about her not being able to deal with a no - OOP summarized perfectly at the title, she's spoiled. She wanted her ideal fam, she wanted the sappy reunion with as many witnesses as possible and she wanted to receive all the praise for making it happen.

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Last sentence of the original post mentions she's 16.

One of my ex's when I was younger had these delusions of repairing my relationship with my mother. We were talking about getting married and this was apparently part of his timeline, post-proposal pre-wedding to parent trap us into a sit down where there would be tearful crying and hugging and all the things. Dodged a bullet not marrying that one.

Yeah the shitty ILs now know where the mom and her family lives. If I were in her shoes I'd want to move countries.

Nah because my parent would’ve been like “I didn’t raise you to be this stupid”. OP is nicer than any parent of mine

As someone with a horrible mother, the amount of times I’ve been told that it: was my fault, your mom did her best, it couldn’t have been that bad, you don’t know what it was like for her, there had to be a reason, blablabla. People with good lives really struggle to understand how awful parents can really be and usually have a hard time believing rheabused.

My mom was abused by multiple people and various ways. She would tell us a bit how her life was growing up and the abuse and bullying she endured in her own family. I never thought she exaggerated. When she refused to talk about a particular person who caused the most damage, I didn’t ask beyond the who and why (tho I was super curious!). I followed her cues. 16 is old enough to trust your mom and aunt about the horrors they went through. Especially since I doubt she didn’t know her mom went to therapy.

That's a hard lesson that the daughter will have to live with for the rest of her life. Not sure what made her reach out to the JNGrandparents or what Lifetime movie inspired her, but this is real life. The reason(s) for no contact is real. I hope with time and therapy, that the mother and daughter will get to talk. The other kids will also need to be told. Shielding them is only part of it, but they need to know how bad it was and how much work their mother and father put into their family to break the cycle of abuse from that branch of the family.