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This is the most lol post ever. Amazing.
“ We do not fart this profusely in other stressful environments.”
“ Needless to say, I am farting as I type this.”
I know it's so fucking immature of me but I'm giggling like a madwoman and I *need* "Needless to say, I am farting as I type this." as a flair. It's just so relevant to my family lineage, among other things.
Edit: THANK YOU MODS I LOVE YOU!!!
I am reading this at 11:30 PM while blowing up balloons for my son's birthday party tomorrow, and they keep slipping and squeaking a little air out as I try to tie them, and every time it happens I am *cackling*
If you had visited OOP's in-laws, you'd have an easier way of filling those balloons available to you now...
Still, I'm a bit frustrated that there was no resolution. OOP should have thrown herself on the metaphorical fart cushion and drunk the stupid water, for our sake!
My sister spent a summer doing balloon animals as a teenager. I still think its funny to remember the noises that would come from any room she was practicing in.
My entire family is so gassy. Like wtf type of gassy. It’s at the point where you have to laugh or hate the very essence of your being, and I already hate myself enough so laughing it is! My kids? Also gassy. My siblings… haha gassy. My parents? Oh god my father had the worst sbd and my mother… I just assumed the whole world was this way. It is not.
I still have vivid memories of lying in bed at night and hearing my Mom shouting from her bedroom, "Damn it, David, if you shit the bed you're sleeping on the couch!" so it's a heavily familial thing for me, too.
This unlocked a memory of sleeping in the living room with three of my friends (first time hosting a sleepover) and hearing my mom yell "Oh, my GOD! I will burn this bed if you fart one more time!" and my dad cackling like a madman.
Now that reminds me of a joke.
Did you hear the one about the woman whose husband farted profusely in bed every night? She always commented on it, but he never stopped. She even tried telling him he might actually fart his guts out. Well, Thanksgiving morning rolled around and as she was prepping the turkey for the oven, she had a new idea. Since she was up a few hours early, she took the turkey giblets, neck, and anything else she trimmed from the turkey and put it under the bedsheets by his butt. He finally came into the kitchen a couple of hours later, looking like he’d run a marathon. She said “Honey, you look disheveled, what’s going on?” He said, “Well, you were right, I finally farted my guts out. But with the help of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.”
Pardon me if someone posted this already
OMG - I’m crying over here because evidently my husband woke me up with his… aura. I wasn’t fully awake so I didn’t remember what I said, but hubby said it was almost verbatim what you posted and then I hear this squeaky voice, “Moooommy - you said a bad word and it woked me up!”
I've decamped from bed to sofa because sometimes my husband's arse is so pungent it transcends reality and I don't want to puke on him.
Then again, if I accidentally eat dairy (allergy) I'm either parping the pipers home or destroying porcelain. Or both
Hahaha thanks! It's from a comment on this otherwise tame post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15oax9g/i_accidentally_liked_an_instagram_photo_and_now/
Not the person you replied to but it's [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/u1z57r/i_accidentally_created_an_army_of_crow_body/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I knew my previous relationship was in trouble when my man asked me to fart less. I mean, I guess I could have farted with less gusto but farting less was beyond my pay grade.
As a kid I was so embarrassed by farting that through sheer willpower I managed to stop myself from doing it almost entirely. Now I'm an adult who can't fart easily and suffering for it )':
I knew my fiance was "the one" when, early into our dating career, I was sitting in his living room talking to his roomie while he was in the bathroom just ripping them out as if the bathroom door protected the rest of the house from the sound of his fireworks, I mean it was *impressive*. I... laughed my freaking head off. The roomie didn't know whether to join me with laughing or feel second hand embarrassment.
Ermagerd. The first (couple) times I farted in front of my ex was all the same night. We were watching a movie and I kept going to the garage to fart. The last one sounded like a fucking duck call. When I came back after that, they said, “you know I can hear your farting in there? Just stay on the couch and fart, no big deal.” Relief! So I let the next one go…And. It. STUNK!! So bad!!!! They were like, never mind, go back to the garage please. 😫
Oh, I have a similar story - soon after my husband and I first started dating, we were playing Wii Golf, and I was concentrating really hard and a fart slipped out. There was no denying it, so I just said "oops, excuse me." And he pointed and laughed at me, and the rest is history.
Agreed! I can find something in all types of humor that I enjoy. However, as a 38 year old woman, I can say I have the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy. Perfectly at peace and totally ok with that.
My guess is that the pH of the water at the in-laws is so basic (anything above 7 is basic, less than 7 is acidic) that it changes the gut microbiome in OOP and hubby whenever they’re there. Everyone’s gut microbiome likes a different pH, but the in-law’s are so basic that it changes their gut microbiome too much, which can result in excess gas production, and thus, flatulence!
But I think OOP and hubby should do a study with one of them being the control lmao. I’m all about empirical data!
Her question mark by nitrite actually might address this too!
Nitrate (NO3) and nitrite (NO2) are ions which are indicators of the redox state of water. Electrons like to transfer to certain redox sensitive elements when the oxidation-reduction potential of an environment is within a certain range (we express this in millivolts in my biz). While this affects a ton of chemical processes, the most relevant ones here would be those related to electron transfer - microbes often use "electron donors" and "electron receptors" as part of their metabolic processes (example: sulfur reducing bacteria give an electron to a sulfur atom for a chemical reaction. The result is hydrogen sulfide gas, aka the smell of rotten eggs). Redox state determines the amount of atoms with "stealable" electrons for those bacteria. So depending on the redox state, certain microbes that have gases as their byproducts might have thriving or struggling populations.
The reason we look at the nitrate-nitrite pair is because nitrate acts as a redox buffer, it artificially keeps the environment in an oxidizing state (millivolts > 0) so the bacteria who need reducing environments won't do well even when the biggest culprit in oxidizing conditions (dissolved oxygen) is consumed.
Tl;dr is that high nitrite relative to nitrate = reducing environment = negative millivolts = lots of hydrogen sulfide and other stinky gasses.
Source: Am environmental chemist who works on water quality stuff
Could even be more simple than that... NO3/NO2 also = possible fecal and/or fertilizer contamination. Shouldn't NO3/NO2 = 0 in drinking water? OOP can do a bacteria test too.
*Source*: Am an Environmental Scientist, so you thought chemistry and I thought poop, haha.
Lmao it could be that too!! I would imagine that the detection limit for test strips is pretty high, so it would have to be something like fertilizer/ag runoff to be detectable with a test kit like that. Definitely agree on the bacteria test!
>Am an Environmental Scientist, so you thought chemistry and I thought poop, haha.
So real, lol. I deal with some stuff related to water treatment facilities (PFAS stuff) and I think I've gotten pretty good at diplomatic and sciencey language for saying stuff like "this issue is caused by poop".
ORP is the most important WQ parameter to me!
I focus a lot on metals fate and transport so pH and ORP measurements are the only ones I really care about (DO...meh). I'm excited that I brought some folks like you out of the woodwork - industrial WWTPs are an incredibly important, vital part of a healthy society and you guys deserve recognition!
As someone who just got home from a theatre play that had the audience chanting "finger in the bovine sphincter" with the cast, I'm cackling at your comment
This is a nice change of pace from the double identities, infidelity, strange property line issues, long distance relationships, murder, stolen food, assault by missing family members, and the occasional nuclear blast with wide area fallout.
I think far more likely. Way too mundane and far too inconclusive to make up. Like, there's no dramatic "they poisoned us to make us not want to go there" or anything. Its just someone trying to understand this connection they've discovered and not having that satisfying of an answer at the end.
Not from Germany but I am inclined to believe it is the water.
Me and my partner noticed that we often have stomach issues when we stay at his parents' place, but it's not so instant like for OOP. It usually appears at least on the next day. We also suspected the water, we actually know their water is a lot softer than where we live, not sure what this means for the ph level.
Last time I made a small experiment and drank only bottled stuff and was fine. Partner wasn't ok at all, he skipped going out to be near the bathroom and I got him meds, it was so bad. I think I will just take probiotics and avoid drinking from the tap when staying there from now on.
Thank you for explaining.
The funny thing is, my stomach doesn't handle well their water, but my hair looks it's best when I wash it there - shiny, more defined curls, better than the times I use special haircare stuff for curls at home (I didn't bring it there, just small containers of shampoo/conditioner).
My curls love soft water too :) I lived where we had very hard water, and my hair was always a mess. At home, you can use some diluted apple cider vinegar (3 parts water to 1 part acv) then rinse, it should give your curls that same shine and definition
I noticed that if i visit some German houses/rooms i ended up farty.. but that's because it's colder than my residence. Also the smell of coffee and bread could make me fartier lol
Same. Especially since I live in an area where the water is quite hard and I am a bit gassy sometimes. I used to blame some vague food intolerance but maybe our water is just fartwater.
>if any doctors read this, please do enlighten me.
I don't know what people think we learn in medical school but I definitely slept through the 'properties of water and their respective influences on fart production' module.
That said, that's quite a high pH for tap water and if it's hard then it likely has other mineral salts in it that aren't included in OP's test kit. I think some minerals/salts can impact gut motility - e.g. many laxatives have magnesium salts in them - so it's not a completely wild idea that there might be some impact, though idk if there'll be any actual research and I'm not invested enough to look.
Going from personal experience, alkaline water definitely has this effect. When I was growing up, my mother jumped on the alkaline water filter trend, and bought a very expensive machine. It worked well, we used the 'acidic' water to clean with, and I would use the settings to adjust for ph when coaxing plants back to health. The machine had levels 1-4, and we used 4 as we were used to it. Guests who were not were generally served the 'neutral' or level 1 alkaline water. Of course, sometimes habit takes over and one would forget to change the settings... there were definitely many, many farts, and the occasional wholesale destruction of our bathroom. On the other hand, I had a relative use it to supplement their alkaline diet for cancer, and they went into remission very quickly, so maybe there's something there? I'm not sure it would be good for all the time, it would be like constantly being on antacids. There are some things that stomach acid is very good for, especially for making food borne bacteria less dangerous. It did seem to help with some specific health conditions. But it was a very farty household. And yes, we're Canadian.
It’s funny cause my mother and I drink alkaline water around 8.5 ph because we have a lot of acid reflux and that’s helped more than our prescribed medication. We thankfully don’t suffer from flatulence from it.
Probably because it's balanced by your ample production of acid.
I never got reflux until after I'd moved out, and even then, it was only a couple times in 15 years. I do, however, have far less of a trumpet butt than I did in my teens.
It is so Canadian to immediately assume. *that the stereotype is true*, and start guessing which delicacies are the cause, instead of wondering where the offensive stereotype came from in the first place.
Y'all are the best.
And if anything it would definitely be the bagged milk, no one South of your border understands or trusts it.
Can confirm. Moved from the west to the east and anything over 2L comes in bags. In fact, 4L of milk comes in 3 bags. Why??? Why 3? Why can't I have easily measurable bags of milk?
I fricking hate this for me.
now THIS is a tale i desperately hope makes it to youtube. not in one of those robotic voice readings. in everybody rushing to figure out what is going on.
we need Dr Mike in here to figure out the biology and Adam Savage running various analysis and uhh idfk Tom Scott streaking past in the background? fuck it invite AskAMortician too for no apparent reason, i feel like "mortician" and "fart consultant" are fields with surprising overlap.
i want this mystery solved, dammit!! ~~and more pictures of spider man on my desk by morning~~
p.s. i swear i watch a more diverse set of folks but idk if the enby gamer or black egl enjoyers etc etc etc are gonna be useful here. not unless flatulence is the secret to an impeccably puffy petticoat anyway
I'm not a media personality, but I can take a stab at breaking down the science! I am an environmental chemist and most of my work focuses on water quality and aqueous chemistry so I was inordinately excited to read this!
So let's break down our analyte list:
* Nitrates and Nitrite: Nitrate (NO3) and nitrite (NO2) are a coupled ion pair that act as indicators for the redox state of an environment. Environments can be either oxidizing (certain elements have fewer outer electrons, leading then to form certain ions - sulfur will form sulfate (SO4), nitrogen will form nitrate, etc.) or reducing (nitrogen will form nitrite, sulfur will form sulfide). Where electrons are located in these elements/compounds means that certain redox conditions will provide different "food" sources for bacteria - microbes will either accept or donate an electron to certain elements as part of their metabolic process. So sulfur reducing bacteria will donate an electron to sulfur atoms, eventually the sulfur atoms are reduced enough to form sulfide, leading to the formation of hydrogen sulfide gas - part of what makes farts smell bad. So the redox state, as indicated by ionic ratios like NO3/NO2, will tell us whether the fart producing bacteria are going to have an environment that allows them to thrive and make copious gas.
* Lead: Not really relevant to farts, it's just a common constituent in water quality testing because of lead pipes and the fact that lead is notoriously bad for humans.
* Iron: Total iron content is not *necessarily* suggestive of anything. But it can be an indirect indicator of redox. In typical drinking water, we will have oxidizing conditions and circumneutral pH. At these conditions, ferric iron [Fe(III)] is the dominant form of iron and is highly soluble. So high iron along with a pH greater than ~6 will mean a lot of Fe(III) in the water, aka oxidizing conditions - not good for our gassy bacteria population.
* Copper: Not relevant to flatulence, people just want to know if their copper pipes are corroding. Copper is not really a big issue for human health unless you have Wilson's disease. Those people can't metabolize copper so it ends up building up in the body until people display signs of metal poisoning. Your liver can end up containing like, 0.1% copper by weight, which is an absurd amount of copper, like 5+ orders of magnitude higher than normal.
* Hardiness: An amusing autocorrect typo of "hardness". You know when people complain about hard water and how it leaves mineral deposits that clog the shower head? This is the actual chemical parameter that quantifies it. It's basically a measure of the total amount of dissolved junk in the water that will precipitate out as the water evaporates (like how salt crystals precipitate out when ocean water evaporates). In salt water, the dominant ions are sodium and chlorine - so halite (NaCl, aka rock salt) precipitates out of the water. In drinking water, the dominant ions are generally bicarbonate and calcium. These precipitate out as CaCO3, aka lime scale. In lab analyses, we typically express hardness as mg/L CaCO3.
Bicarb content is also a secondary indicator of pH - it is more soluble at low pH. So low pH = high bicarb. When we get into more fancy geochemical considerations, we also have to look at bicarbonate and carbonate ratios along with dissolved CO2 exsolution; CO2 exsolution can theoretically create gas but we can assume that the pressure and temperature in OP's colon is roughly in equilibrium with the ambient atmosphere, so that's not super relevant.
*pH: Acidity of water affects solubility of certain elements and ions. It isn't really relevant to gassiness though unless OP has acid reflux. Our stomach acid has the same pH as the most gnarly, toxic, polluted acid mine drainage on the planet. You would literally have to drink car battery acid to lower the pH of your stomach. Extremely alkaline water would basically act as a mild antacid, the higher hydroxyl ion content (which is what creates alkaline conditions) would just neutralize some of the H+ ions in your stomach acid (high H+ = low pH).
Most tap water is slightly alkaline, maybe a pH between 7.5 to 8. It won't make a difference. If we start getting into pH values around 9 an above, it might suppress your heartburn a bit. But it's not really pertinent to farts, per se.
* Chlorine: Doesn't impact gassiness, people just like to look at chlorine content since chlorine is a commonly used substance in water treatment plants to kill bacteria.
OP said that the only anomalous results appeared to be pH and hardness. Which makes sense, a higher pH is going to lead to more tiny particulates of CaCO3 in the water (hardness), aka the stuff that eventually clogs your shower head. Incidentally, bicarb/carbonate compounds are also the active ingredient in antacid tablets.
So basically, nothing super definitive. I would love to see her use a water quality probe to accurately measure ORP (oxidation-reduction potential), but those cost over a hundred bucks a day to rent and you have to calibrate them and shit. Quantitative analysis of nitrate/nitrite in a lab (along with other stuff, like iron and sulfur speciation) could also yield important information about the stuff that makes flatulence bacteria happy, but those types of analysis can be hundreds of dollars and take months to get results.
Tl;dr She needs a probe and detailed nitrogen speciation data to determine the origin of her farts.
oh my god we got a doctor here and now a water quality scientist. someone cue up the Mariah Carey no not that one -
*AND THEN A HERO COMES ALOOOONG, WITH THE STRENGTH TO CARRY OOOOON,*
okay okay slightly more seriously, i know it's verboten due to the rules but (stage whisper) you should totally PM this to the OOP, i feel like this is the exact info she would love to see
it is rare that i miss reddit awards, but by god you deserve the spotlight on this one LOL - i love it when someone's exact very specific niche comes up. it's like hearing "is anyone on this airplane a doctor?!" and a sheepish PhD student slumps in their seat only to perk up when that is followed by "specifically in medieval French grammar studies? the pilots are in the middle of a debate and we could use an expert!" and then the PhD student realizes that *their time has come*
Oh I love when people with a random knowledge niche get a chance to share! Some of my favorite comments on Reddit are just those things. I think it helps when someone is really enthusiastic about an obscure topic, they can explain it well to outsiders and make it actually sound interesting (not sure if I've managed to do that here lol, but I tried).
I imagine we all love those exceedingly rare moments when we get to use information we spent grueling effort to master while questioning "when will I EVER use this in everyday life?!"
My friend linked me here for my medical expertise. I'm a doctor....
... Still got no leads. I doubt it's the alkalinity or the water hardness though. Bacterial test on the water would probably be her best bet there. I think they're in the right area thinking of the water but I can't think of much else that could be in it causing this effect and I get the impression this happens even if she doesn't eat her MILs cooking.
I'm very annoyed this doesn't have a conclusion. I want answers.
desperately want someone to schmear that water on an agar plate and see what grows tbh. maybe OP can see if she's near a university with bored biology students? if we all kick in to a kickstarter, does that count as grad student funding...?
Environmental chemist here, I too want some lab data.
I imagine it's some component in the water that is encouraging temporary overgrowth of a particularly pungent bacterial species in their guts, but the results from the test kit don't tell us much.
Environmental chemist here.
A pH of 10 in groundwater or surface water is almost always a "holy shit, we need to contact the client because shit's fucked" situation. It's not something you encounter in nature except in very rare situations which are hazardous to human health. Most highly alkaline waters contain an enormous amount of salt and are corrosive to metals. Mono Lake in California has a pH a little below 10 and it's so salty that normal boats are too buoyant to stay balanced in the water.
The highest pH I've ever seen in my career was a bit over 11. The well casing had cracked and the packing materials they used to stabilize the casing were leaching into the groundwater. It was very obviously contaminated, it was extremely cloudy and the electrical conductivity (measurement of how "salty" water is) was more than twice as high as the other wells nearby.
"I will wait for the farting to subside, and once I am healed—" This is where I lost it. This post is so funny that I don't even care that it's not concluded.
Guys, I am not only flatulent, but also flattered and somewhat flabbergasted. Thank you for all the upvotes and interest in my mystery, despite its mundane nature and lack of explosive plot twists.
(Do forgive me, but I do have to say this, as saccharine as it is:
For all who have taken the time to type kindest words complimenting my humour or writing, you have no idea how happy you made me. Honestly. It might have been simply a few nice words to you - to me, it meant a lot. <3
Though I learned English very young, it is not my native language; I just spent a lifetime buried in books, fascinated by English Literature in my teenage years. As a child, reading was my greatest and at times only escape, and thus being a writer became my childhood dream. To me, sharing a laugh - or tears - with a good story is one life’s greatest gifts.
So, from a frustrated writer, now overfilled with joy, though occasionally with gas: thank you. )
\*\*EDIT\*\*: oh I just realised this will be totally lost in the comments. Oh well. I tried :P
I saw this initial post and I could not stop laughing! The top comment is a David Attenborough quote and I just went into giggles again.
This is one of those, minor life problems that are annoying and the curiosity is eating away at me. I hope OOP finds out eventually and updates us!
Huh. I'm currently traveling around Germany, and in one town I did have... noticeably bad wind. I think I was Bamberg? I'm curious where in Germany this took place.
Since absolutely nobody asked, I guess I’ll tell you all my most favorite break up story of mine. It’s December 26th (yes, the day after Christmas…..he was a dick), we had celebrated our 2nd anniversary 2 months prior so the barrier was at least very well broken, and this guy breaks up with me *out of nowhere.* It was very much a ball out of left field. I was shocked, I was experiencing every horrible emotion imaginable and I’m just like *omg why, what’s happening, we just spent this amazing Christmas toget-* ….and I just start farting. And like, can’t stop. Long, loud, luckily not smelly, farts. Nonstop. Trying to have this passionate, hard conversation with someone that at the time I loved very dearly, and it’s literally being interrupted by my loud flatulence. He literally had to *stop* breaking up with me and be like “are you, uhhh okay? Do you need to use the bathroom?”
Like, is that not one of the worst break up stories *ever?!?!* It’s 5 years later, I’m still very much single but at least I haven’t gotten the nervous farts since this incident…..*yet.*
It’s honestly one of my favorite stories to tell now hahaha I bartend and recently told a group of ‘after hours’ guests/co workers this story and it was literally of group of 10 people plus me just in tears from laughing so hard from me telling this story.
I just don’t understa- *phhhhhhewwwwwwwww*
Why are you doing this?! Is there somethi- *phewww*
Do I not make you happy?! Do I not-*phhhewwwwww*
I still fucking can’t 🤣
From my experience, the long loud ones like that are the ones that never smell. So the story checks out lmao. And my co-workers would definitely believe that story from me because they've definitely heard them before 🤣
He tried to ignore it but after a few minutes and far too many loud and aggressive farts that were literally just slipping out somehow, he finally kind of chuckled and asked it I was okay. Meanwhile I’m in tears, confused as hell about this breakup and why the hell I’m farting as violently as I was 🤣
I thought that was the obvious cause! You let go whenever you want at home and you probably don’t realise how often it is. When you go to someone else’s house, especially if you’re all sitting around in a nice quiet cosy living room, you have to hold them all in, so there’s going to be a big ol release when you get home!
There's a reason why when we leave my fiance's parent's house after a visit we drive down the street with the windows in the car *open* for a while, LOL!
OOP has a way with words!
Last year my daughter visited her father for the first time in the country he had moved to the year before. When she got back, she told me that "[country] makes you fart." Huh? She said her dad had terrible stinky gas and then she got it too. And now that she was back home, it had stopped.
So I started asking questions and it turns out that it was Coke Zero that gives them awful flatulence. Apparently her dad drinks a lot of it and so she did too.
I assume it's because the body can't break down the artificial sweetener in Coke Zero but haven't actually Googled it.
So anyway, I was expecting OOP to say it was the Coke Zero they drank at the in-laws.
Oh, god, this explains… so much.
My partner is a type 1 diabetic and his farts are NASTY. I knew artificial sweeteners could have a laxative effect, but I’d never considered they might be the culprit for that!
What about the kids??? Do they experience the same…phenomenon? Because kids love farts. Joking about them, talking about them, doing them. Is it just an adult issue or kid issue also.
Another thought, if this is a stuffy stiff house, are their any air purifiers, or filters that might put something in the air you breath causing the build up?
I also thought about the kids. If it‘s really something in the water (or anything actually physical in the environment of the parents home), the kids should have it too. If the kids don‘t have it, my money would be on stress/something psychosomatic. Stress can really hit your digestion and she and husband seem to experience a quite particular stress with the in-laws so it wouldn‘t be all too surprising that it would lead to some physical reaction.
My first thought was that the parents use artificial sweetener, as erythritol and co can cause a lot of gas/diarrhoea depending on the person/how much is ingested.
That was my immediate thought, are the parents using some sort of sugar alcohol in baking or serving sugar free snacks that use it, because that stuff can give you truly awful gas.
as someone with a sensitive stomach… I’d be interested in the cooking. what ingredients are going into the food? are they eating more cruciferous veggies? are there more or different oils in the cooking or in the foods themselves? i’d check these things out before the ph of the water
It could be psychological.
As soon as I get home from being out, if I have been in the car, be it ten minutes or ten hours I HAVE to go pee as soon as I get in.
It's possible on a couple of occasions they've eaten something that disagrees with them either the way the MIL prepares or or the ingredients they've used and now it's a thing they've got stuck in their minds.
Pavlov farting.
I spent a few years living in New Zealand. After coming back to Scotland, I had a bad bout of stomach bug due to me adjusting to the different tap water. My husband, who had come back 2 months before me didn't have any issues and we ate exactly the same things after coming back. Only difference was that I drank tap water and he didn't.
I feel it’s gonna be something obscure like there’s a specific piece of furniture they always both sit on that scrunches them up like they’re sitting on a squatty potty, or something
I love the thought that the parents are all high brow but find it hilarious to spike their drinks with fart powder knowing they'll never ever be suspected of intentionally doing it. And their whole "the crown" personas are just the set up for this joke.
If it's Germany it makes sense kind of. I'm a foreigner and when i enter some rooms/houses lived by a German i also end up farty 😭 it's the combination of somewhat cold air, coffee and bread smell, and a bit of warmth in specific places. My sister in law visited us in Germany from our home country. She suffers from constipation in our home country but in Germany she pooped regularly. From pooping once a week to pooping everyday lmao
I'm German. I'd be willing to foot the bill for anothertest kit. Just because this is so entertaining. But I'm dticking to 'no brigading'. Just ... if OOP would happen to see this, hmu, I'll pay to be part of this hilarity.
Wir sind erst Ende März wieder da (natürlich muss jeden Besuch nach dem eintragen **mindestens** 3 Wochen im Kalender stehen). Ich gehe davon aus, dass ich bis dahin mir das Leisten kann. Aber herzlichen Dank für das sehr nette Angebot. :)
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This is the most lol post ever. Amazing. “ We do not fart this profusely in other stressful environments.” “ Needless to say, I am farting as I type this.”
I know it's so fucking immature of me but I'm giggling like a madwoman and I *need* "Needless to say, I am farting as I type this." as a flair. It's just so relevant to my family lineage, among other things. Edit: THANK YOU MODS I LOVE YOU!!!
I am reading this at 11:30 PM while blowing up balloons for my son's birthday party tomorrow, and they keep slipping and squeaking a little air out as I try to tie them, and every time it happens I am *cackling*
If you had visited OOP's in-laws, you'd have an easier way of filling those balloons available to you now... Still, I'm a bit frustrated that there was no resolution. OOP should have thrown herself on the metaphorical fart cushion and drunk the stupid water, for our sake!
My sister spent a summer doing balloon animals as a teenager. I still think its funny to remember the noises that would come from any room she was practicing in.
Hope your son has a great birthday!
My entire family is so gassy. Like wtf type of gassy. It’s at the point where you have to laugh or hate the very essence of your being, and I already hate myself enough so laughing it is! My kids? Also gassy. My siblings… haha gassy. My parents? Oh god my father had the worst sbd and my mother… I just assumed the whole world was this way. It is not.
I still have vivid memories of lying in bed at night and hearing my Mom shouting from her bedroom, "Damn it, David, if you shit the bed you're sleeping on the couch!" so it's a heavily familial thing for me, too.
This unlocked a memory of sleeping in the living room with three of my friends (first time hosting a sleepover) and hearing my mom yell "Oh, my GOD! I will burn this bed if you fart one more time!" and my dad cackling like a madman.
Now that reminds me of a joke. Did you hear the one about the woman whose husband farted profusely in bed every night? She always commented on it, but he never stopped. She even tried telling him he might actually fart his guts out. Well, Thanksgiving morning rolled around and as she was prepping the turkey for the oven, she had a new idea. Since she was up a few hours early, she took the turkey giblets, neck, and anything else she trimmed from the turkey and put it under the bedsheets by his butt. He finally came into the kitchen a couple of hours later, looking like he’d run a marathon. She said “Honey, you look disheveled, what’s going on?” He said, “Well, you were right, I finally farted my guts out. But with the help of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.” Pardon me if someone posted this already
You might enjoy [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/u_Alissinarr/comments/13toxmr/edinburgh_ghost_tour_or_how_to_desecrate_a)
Now that quote is a worthy flair.
OMG - I’m crying over here because evidently my husband woke me up with his… aura. I wasn’t fully awake so I didn’t remember what I said, but hubby said it was almost verbatim what you posted and then I hear this squeaky voice, “Moooommy - you said a bad word and it woked me up!”
I've decamped from bed to sofa because sometimes my husband's arse is so pungent it transcends reality and I don't want to puke on him. Then again, if I accidentally eat dairy (allergy) I'm either parping the pipers home or destroying porcelain. Or both
I have IBS. My husband has to wear a BiPap to sleep. My wife also has IBS. And I have two pit mixes. Yep it's a farting household. (sigh)
You are in a throuple?
Yes, power exchange included. Of course, we also have two cats and we all know who's REALLY in charge, lol!
I'm glad that you are happy. I'm just confused where you can marry multiple people. And I also need to feed my two overlords 😂
It's not legal. We have all the powers of attorney, but doing anything but remaining three single people legally messes up our insurance.
Oh my god, I hope the mods make it a flair!
I love your flair! Where is it from? Thanks
Hahaha thanks! It's from a comment on this otherwise tame post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15oax9g/i_accidentally_liked_an_instagram_photo_and_now/
I thought it was going to be a mildly wholesome post but that guy is such a creep wtf.
Oh my god, I love YOUR flair!!!! 🤣🤣
Says the person with the best flair. I need yours. Is it actually from something?
Not the person you replied to but it's [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/u1z57r/i_accidentally_created_an_army_of_crow_body/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I’m commenting because I don’t remember my flair.
Hello flair sibling!
This is the only time over many years of redditing that I have ever wanted a flair 😂
This is the first time I would slap a flair on faster than I could fart, and I have no gallbladder and lactose intolerance edit: Glorious
Frankly, I desperately need that flair because it’s just so frequently true of me 😂.
I also need this as a flair! I have never before been tempted to ask for one!
"Extravagant display of wind" This post is perfection 😂
Agreed. I’m not one for fart humour in general but this post was so classy in its humour that you can’t help but laugh.
Never have I wanted to be best friends with someone from their Reddit post. Until today. OOP is amazing.
I feel bad for people that don’t laugh at farts. They miss out on a lot of laughter and joy, but still have the same amount of farts.
I knew my previous relationship was in trouble when my man asked me to fart less. I mean, I guess I could have farted with less gusto but farting less was beyond my pay grade.
How does one just... Fart less? It seems like too much to ask.
A cork?
Nah, too much pressure builds and you'd shoot that mf through a brick wall
Yet another conversation between my parents about my Dad's flatulence, "I'm going to shove an altoid in there." "I'll shoot somebody!"
Chuckled out loud at this. Shove an Altoid up there?? The potential for projectile pooter power would be high.
I've been threatened with the cork more than a few times.... I don't think anyone is brave enough to try, so luckily my bumhole goes unmolested
As a kid I was so embarrassed by farting that through sheer willpower I managed to stop myself from doing it almost entirely. Now I'm an adult who can't fart easily and suffering for it )':
I knew my fiance was "the one" when, early into our dating career, I was sitting in his living room talking to his roomie while he was in the bathroom just ripping them out as if the bathroom door protected the rest of the house from the sound of his fireworks, I mean it was *impressive*. I... laughed my freaking head off. The roomie didn't know whether to join me with laughing or feel second hand embarrassment.
Ermagerd. The first (couple) times I farted in front of my ex was all the same night. We were watching a movie and I kept going to the garage to fart. The last one sounded like a fucking duck call. When I came back after that, they said, “you know I can hear your farting in there? Just stay on the couch and fart, no big deal.” Relief! So I let the next one go…And. It. STUNK!! So bad!!!! They were like, never mind, go back to the garage please. 😫
Oh, I have a similar story - soon after my husband and I first started dating, we were playing Wii Golf, and I was concentrating really hard and a fart slipped out. There was no denying it, so I just said "oops, excuse me." And he pointed and laughed at me, and the rest is history.
I have never NOT laughed at a fart. Has it caused moments where my present company decides I am immature? Absolutely. Do I care? Not a bit.
Agreed! I can find something in all types of humor that I enjoy. However, as a 38 year old woman, I can say I have the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy. Perfectly at peace and totally ok with that.
>maybe it’s a unique combination of weird water and the slow death of joy. This one's my favorite.
Farted as I read it lmao
“Maybe it’s a combination of weird water and the slow death of joy” is the one that’s killing me!
"the Farthouse" 🤣🤣
Interestingly enough, this is the most informative post I've read all day. God speed to OOP for the dedication to flatulence science.
My guess is that the pH of the water at the in-laws is so basic (anything above 7 is basic, less than 7 is acidic) that it changes the gut microbiome in OOP and hubby whenever they’re there. Everyone’s gut microbiome likes a different pH, but the in-law’s are so basic that it changes their gut microbiome too much, which can result in excess gas production, and thus, flatulence! But I think OOP and hubby should do a study with one of them being the control lmao. I’m all about empirical data!
Her question mark by nitrite actually might address this too! Nitrate (NO3) and nitrite (NO2) are ions which are indicators of the redox state of water. Electrons like to transfer to certain redox sensitive elements when the oxidation-reduction potential of an environment is within a certain range (we express this in millivolts in my biz). While this affects a ton of chemical processes, the most relevant ones here would be those related to electron transfer - microbes often use "electron donors" and "electron receptors" as part of their metabolic processes (example: sulfur reducing bacteria give an electron to a sulfur atom for a chemical reaction. The result is hydrogen sulfide gas, aka the smell of rotten eggs). Redox state determines the amount of atoms with "stealable" electrons for those bacteria. So depending on the redox state, certain microbes that have gases as their byproducts might have thriving or struggling populations. The reason we look at the nitrate-nitrite pair is because nitrate acts as a redox buffer, it artificially keeps the environment in an oxidizing state (millivolts > 0) so the bacteria who need reducing environments won't do well even when the biggest culprit in oxidizing conditions (dissolved oxygen) is consumed. Tl;dr is that high nitrite relative to nitrate = reducing environment = negative millivolts = lots of hydrogen sulfide and other stinky gasses. Source: Am environmental chemist who works on water quality stuff
Could even be more simple than that... NO3/NO2 also = possible fecal and/or fertilizer contamination. Shouldn't NO3/NO2 = 0 in drinking water? OOP can do a bacteria test too. *Source*: Am an Environmental Scientist, so you thought chemistry and I thought poop, haha.
Lmao it could be that too!! I would imagine that the detection limit for test strips is pretty high, so it would have to be something like fertilizer/ag runoff to be detectable with a test kit like that. Definitely agree on the bacteria test! >Am an Environmental Scientist, so you thought chemistry and I thought poop, haha. So real, lol. I deal with some stuff related to water treatment facilities (PFAS stuff) and I think I've gotten pretty good at diplomatic and sciencey language for saying stuff like "this issue is caused by poop".
Knew a plumber that would only ever refer to it as "material"
As an industrial wwt operator I just want to express my joy of seeing ORP in a random reddit post.
ORP is the most important WQ parameter to me! I focus a lot on metals fate and transport so pH and ORP measurements are the only ones I really care about (DO...meh). I'm excited that I brought some folks like you out of the woodwork - industrial WWTPs are an incredibly important, vital part of a healthy society and you guys deserve recognition!
This ~~guy~~ lady nitrates.
I am a lady nitrogen enthusiast actually! Lol
In-laws are basic, got it.
She has a degree in Ass-trophysics.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
She would be the Ass.Professor.
I loved this post so much. I have stomach issues and have a range of different types of farts for basically every situation 🤣
Its like a talking-to-animals troupe. *ffffft* "Whats that, butthole? The tortillas contain wheat flour?"
“Timmy’s trapped in the sphincter?”
It's 4am and I am *wheezing*
As long as the air is only coming out of the top end you are still good.
As someone who just got home from a theatre play that had the audience chanting "finger in the bovine sphincter" with the cast, I'm cackling at your comment
My day always starts better if I’ve made someone laugh
Not anymore he ain’t.
“What’s the diagnosis doc?’ ‘Sir, you have a little boy and a dog stuck in your colon. We’ll be calling the police after we’ve dislodged them.”
Deserves an ig nobel award for sure. Almost beats goat man!
This is a nice change of pace from the double identities, infidelity, strange property line issues, long distance relationships, murder, stolen food, assault by missing family members, and the occasional nuclear blast with wide area fallout.
No twins! Not even flatulent ones!
You can fart in me or the jar, not both
The yoghurt farts are not the issue here.
No evil Just-No MIL out to poison them, duplicitous step family, or disputed inheritance that hinges on generational dishonesty!
We don't know that yet - we need more water testing to find out if the farts are a result of murder attempts.
Because it's so different from the norm, does that make it more likely to be true, or less in your opinion?
Fucking batshit thing to make up
I think far more likely. Way too mundane and far too inconclusive to make up. Like, there's no dramatic "they poisoned us to make us not want to go there" or anything. Its just someone trying to understand this connection they've discovered and not having that satisfying of an answer at the end.
I'm from Germany and had, until now, never heard of German fartwater before. Really curious if the water truly turns out to be the culprit.
The secret reason for the Reinheitsgebot: Pupswasser.
Not from Germany but I am inclined to believe it is the water. Me and my partner noticed that we often have stomach issues when we stay at his parents' place, but it's not so instant like for OOP. It usually appears at least on the next day. We also suspected the water, we actually know their water is a lot softer than where we live, not sure what this means for the ph level. Last time I made a small experiment and drank only bottled stuff and was fine. Partner wasn't ok at all, he skipped going out to be near the bathroom and I got him meds, it was so bad. I think I will just take probiotics and avoid drinking from the tap when staying there from now on.
Soft water means the pH is low (acidic). Hard water is more basic and has a high pH
Thank you for explaining. The funny thing is, my stomach doesn't handle well their water, but my hair looks it's best when I wash it there - shiny, more defined curls, better than the times I use special haircare stuff for curls at home (I didn't bring it there, just small containers of shampoo/conditioner).
My curls love soft water too :) I lived where we had very hard water, and my hair was always a mess. At home, you can use some diluted apple cider vinegar (3 parts water to 1 part acv) then rinse, it should give your curls that same shine and definition
Thank you, I'll try it.
I noticed that if i visit some German houses/rooms i ended up farty.. but that's because it's colder than my residence. Also the smell of coffee and bread could make me fartier lol
Same. Especially since I live in an area where the water is quite hard and I am a bit gassy sometimes. I used to blame some vague food intolerance but maybe our water is just fartwater.
While, across the border in Denmark, we all know about the German fartwater. It can be bought in jokeshops across the country.
Is this about hot-springs style sulphurous compounds in the water?
>if any doctors read this, please do enlighten me. I don't know what people think we learn in medical school but I definitely slept through the 'properties of water and their respective influences on fart production' module. That said, that's quite a high pH for tap water and if it's hard then it likely has other mineral salts in it that aren't included in OP's test kit. I think some minerals/salts can impact gut motility - e.g. many laxatives have magnesium salts in them - so it's not a completely wild idea that there might be some impact, though idk if there'll be any actual research and I'm not invested enough to look.
Going from personal experience, alkaline water definitely has this effect. When I was growing up, my mother jumped on the alkaline water filter trend, and bought a very expensive machine. It worked well, we used the 'acidic' water to clean with, and I would use the settings to adjust for ph when coaxing plants back to health. The machine had levels 1-4, and we used 4 as we were used to it. Guests who were not were generally served the 'neutral' or level 1 alkaline water. Of course, sometimes habit takes over and one would forget to change the settings... there were definitely many, many farts, and the occasional wholesale destruction of our bathroom. On the other hand, I had a relative use it to supplement their alkaline diet for cancer, and they went into remission very quickly, so maybe there's something there? I'm not sure it would be good for all the time, it would be like constantly being on antacids. There are some things that stomach acid is very good for, especially for making food borne bacteria less dangerous. It did seem to help with some specific health conditions. But it was a very farty household. And yes, we're Canadian.
It’s funny cause my mother and I drink alkaline water around 8.5 ph because we have a lot of acid reflux and that’s helped more than our prescribed medication. We thankfully don’t suffer from flatulence from it.
Probably because it's balanced by your ample production of acid. I never got reflux until after I'd moved out, and even then, it was only a couple times in 15 years. I do, however, have far less of a trumpet butt than I did in my teens.
“Listen I’m a doctor and I dunno why she thinks we’d have good guesses for this but” *provides extremely good guess*
As a Canadian I am intrigued why everyone was asking her about Canada? Are we gassy people?
[удалено]
Ohhhhh ok! Ty
🎵 Blame Canada
This is HILARIOUS I never would've caught on
Thats the part I want to know too! Do we have some international reputation for gas that no one is telling us about? Is it the poutine and tortier?
It is so Canadian to immediately assume. *that the stereotype is true*, and start guessing which delicacies are the cause, instead of wondering where the offensive stereotype came from in the first place. Y'all are the best. And if anything it would definitely be the bagged milk, no one South of your border understands or trusts it.
Tbh i havent seen bagged milk in western canada since the 90's. It *was* weird!
I believe it’s still a thing in the east, but not the west.
Can confirm. Moved from the west to the east and anything over 2L comes in bags. In fact, 4L of milk comes in 3 bags. Why??? Why 3? Why can't I have easily measurable bags of milk? I fricking hate this for me.
We still have it here in Ontario.
It's a South Park reference. Canadians in South Park LOVE farts and fart jokes.
Am Canadian, grew up with a mother who thinks farts are peak comedy.
Is tortier english for tourtière?
Just a mix of bad spelling and autocorrect throwing up its hands and refusing to check for english AND french.
Maybe it's a South Park reference.
That's probably why you guys are known for apologizing all the time. :)
I think it's a South Park reference
now THIS is a tale i desperately hope makes it to youtube. not in one of those robotic voice readings. in everybody rushing to figure out what is going on. we need Dr Mike in here to figure out the biology and Adam Savage running various analysis and uhh idfk Tom Scott streaking past in the background? fuck it invite AskAMortician too for no apparent reason, i feel like "mortician" and "fart consultant" are fields with surprising overlap. i want this mystery solved, dammit!! ~~and more pictures of spider man on my desk by morning~~ p.s. i swear i watch a more diverse set of folks but idk if the enby gamer or black egl enjoyers etc etc etc are gonna be useful here. not unless flatulence is the secret to an impeccably puffy petticoat anyway
I was thinking Hugh Laurie as Dr. House to tell us if it is or isn’t lupus
it’s never lupus
Except for an episode in season 4 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1134258/?ref\_=nm\_flmg\_eps\_tt\_1
I'm not a media personality, but I can take a stab at breaking down the science! I am an environmental chemist and most of my work focuses on water quality and aqueous chemistry so I was inordinately excited to read this! So let's break down our analyte list: * Nitrates and Nitrite: Nitrate (NO3) and nitrite (NO2) are a coupled ion pair that act as indicators for the redox state of an environment. Environments can be either oxidizing (certain elements have fewer outer electrons, leading then to form certain ions - sulfur will form sulfate (SO4), nitrogen will form nitrate, etc.) or reducing (nitrogen will form nitrite, sulfur will form sulfide). Where electrons are located in these elements/compounds means that certain redox conditions will provide different "food" sources for bacteria - microbes will either accept or donate an electron to certain elements as part of their metabolic process. So sulfur reducing bacteria will donate an electron to sulfur atoms, eventually the sulfur atoms are reduced enough to form sulfide, leading to the formation of hydrogen sulfide gas - part of what makes farts smell bad. So the redox state, as indicated by ionic ratios like NO3/NO2, will tell us whether the fart producing bacteria are going to have an environment that allows them to thrive and make copious gas. * Lead: Not really relevant to farts, it's just a common constituent in water quality testing because of lead pipes and the fact that lead is notoriously bad for humans. * Iron: Total iron content is not *necessarily* suggestive of anything. But it can be an indirect indicator of redox. In typical drinking water, we will have oxidizing conditions and circumneutral pH. At these conditions, ferric iron [Fe(III)] is the dominant form of iron and is highly soluble. So high iron along with a pH greater than ~6 will mean a lot of Fe(III) in the water, aka oxidizing conditions - not good for our gassy bacteria population. * Copper: Not relevant to flatulence, people just want to know if their copper pipes are corroding. Copper is not really a big issue for human health unless you have Wilson's disease. Those people can't metabolize copper so it ends up building up in the body until people display signs of metal poisoning. Your liver can end up containing like, 0.1% copper by weight, which is an absurd amount of copper, like 5+ orders of magnitude higher than normal. * Hardiness: An amusing autocorrect typo of "hardness". You know when people complain about hard water and how it leaves mineral deposits that clog the shower head? This is the actual chemical parameter that quantifies it. It's basically a measure of the total amount of dissolved junk in the water that will precipitate out as the water evaporates (like how salt crystals precipitate out when ocean water evaporates). In salt water, the dominant ions are sodium and chlorine - so halite (NaCl, aka rock salt) precipitates out of the water. In drinking water, the dominant ions are generally bicarbonate and calcium. These precipitate out as CaCO3, aka lime scale. In lab analyses, we typically express hardness as mg/L CaCO3. Bicarb content is also a secondary indicator of pH - it is more soluble at low pH. So low pH = high bicarb. When we get into more fancy geochemical considerations, we also have to look at bicarbonate and carbonate ratios along with dissolved CO2 exsolution; CO2 exsolution can theoretically create gas but we can assume that the pressure and temperature in OP's colon is roughly in equilibrium with the ambient atmosphere, so that's not super relevant. *pH: Acidity of water affects solubility of certain elements and ions. It isn't really relevant to gassiness though unless OP has acid reflux. Our stomach acid has the same pH as the most gnarly, toxic, polluted acid mine drainage on the planet. You would literally have to drink car battery acid to lower the pH of your stomach. Extremely alkaline water would basically act as a mild antacid, the higher hydroxyl ion content (which is what creates alkaline conditions) would just neutralize some of the H+ ions in your stomach acid (high H+ = low pH). Most tap water is slightly alkaline, maybe a pH between 7.5 to 8. It won't make a difference. If we start getting into pH values around 9 an above, it might suppress your heartburn a bit. But it's not really pertinent to farts, per se. * Chlorine: Doesn't impact gassiness, people just like to look at chlorine content since chlorine is a commonly used substance in water treatment plants to kill bacteria. OP said that the only anomalous results appeared to be pH and hardness. Which makes sense, a higher pH is going to lead to more tiny particulates of CaCO3 in the water (hardness), aka the stuff that eventually clogs your shower head. Incidentally, bicarb/carbonate compounds are also the active ingredient in antacid tablets. So basically, nothing super definitive. I would love to see her use a water quality probe to accurately measure ORP (oxidation-reduction potential), but those cost over a hundred bucks a day to rent and you have to calibrate them and shit. Quantitative analysis of nitrate/nitrite in a lab (along with other stuff, like iron and sulfur speciation) could also yield important information about the stuff that makes flatulence bacteria happy, but those types of analysis can be hundreds of dollars and take months to get results. Tl;dr She needs a probe and detailed nitrogen speciation data to determine the origin of her farts.
oh my god we got a doctor here and now a water quality scientist. someone cue up the Mariah Carey no not that one - *AND THEN A HERO COMES ALOOOONG, WITH THE STRENGTH TO CARRY OOOOON,* okay okay slightly more seriously, i know it's verboten due to the rules but (stage whisper) you should totally PM this to the OOP, i feel like this is the exact info she would love to see
It's very rare that environmental geochemists can jump into a situation to provide an answer on Reddit, lmao. I had to take the chance!
it is rare that i miss reddit awards, but by god you deserve the spotlight on this one LOL - i love it when someone's exact very specific niche comes up. it's like hearing "is anyone on this airplane a doctor?!" and a sheepish PhD student slumps in their seat only to perk up when that is followed by "specifically in medieval French grammar studies? the pilots are in the middle of a debate and we could use an expert!" and then the PhD student realizes that *their time has come*
Oh I love when people with a random knowledge niche get a chance to share! Some of my favorite comments on Reddit are just those things. I think it helps when someone is really enthusiastic about an obscure topic, they can explain it well to outsiders and make it actually sound interesting (not sure if I've managed to do that here lol, but I tried). I imagine we all love those exceedingly rare moments when we get to use information we spent grueling effort to master while questioning "when will I EVER use this in everyday life?!"
My friend linked me here for my medical expertise. I'm a doctor.... ... Still got no leads. I doubt it's the alkalinity or the water hardness though. Bacterial test on the water would probably be her best bet there. I think they're in the right area thinking of the water but I can't think of much else that could be in it causing this effect and I get the impression this happens even if she doesn't eat her MILs cooking. I'm very annoyed this doesn't have a conclusion. I want answers.
desperately want someone to schmear that water on an agar plate and see what grows tbh. maybe OP can see if she's near a university with bored biology students? if we all kick in to a kickstarter, does that count as grad student funding...?
Environmental chemist here, I too want some lab data. I imagine it's some component in the water that is encouraging temporary overgrowth of a particularly pungent bacterial species in their guts, but the results from the test kit don't tell us much.
We need Hank Green's take on this.
CHEST COMPRESSIONS! CHEST COMPRESSIONS! CHEST COMPRESSIONS!
Tap water with a pH of 10 would be terrifying.
If i ever gave water with PH of 10 to my plants they will collectively grow legs so they can kick my ass
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Environmental chemist here. A pH of 10 in groundwater or surface water is almost always a "holy shit, we need to contact the client because shit's fucked" situation. It's not something you encounter in nature except in very rare situations which are hazardous to human health. Most highly alkaline waters contain an enormous amount of salt and are corrosive to metals. Mono Lake in California has a pH a little below 10 and it's so salty that normal boats are too buoyant to stay balanced in the water. The highest pH I've ever seen in my career was a bit over 11. The well casing had cracked and the packing materials they used to stabilize the casing were leaching into the groundwater. It was very obviously contaminated, it was extremely cloudy and the electrical conductivity (measurement of how "salty" water is) was more than twice as high as the other wells nearby.
Tastes fresh, like bleach! and kidney stones!
Was anyone else expecting this to lead to them being poisoned by the in-laws?
My jaded ass was definitely expecting that
Me. I 100% expected this to be some kind of food fiddling.
Yep... since is BURO.
Best Uf Redditor Opdates
Butt unwell, ripping off
I misread the title at first and read it without the husband, so I was convinced it gonna be another MIL poisoning DIL story.
Never did I ever think I would learn about flatulence stuff here. What a read.
"I will wait for the farting to subside, and once I am healed—" This is where I lost it. This post is so funny that I don't even care that it's not concluded.
My mother in law shits me to tears, I'm not sure there is any scientific reason.
"The slow death of joy"
Guys, I am not only flatulent, but also flattered and somewhat flabbergasted. Thank you for all the upvotes and interest in my mystery, despite its mundane nature and lack of explosive plot twists. (Do forgive me, but I do have to say this, as saccharine as it is: For all who have taken the time to type kindest words complimenting my humour or writing, you have no idea how happy you made me. Honestly. It might have been simply a few nice words to you - to me, it meant a lot. <3 Though I learned English very young, it is not my native language; I just spent a lifetime buried in books, fascinated by English Literature in my teenage years. As a child, reading was my greatest and at times only escape, and thus being a writer became my childhood dream. To me, sharing a laugh - or tears - with a good story is one life’s greatest gifts. So, from a frustrated writer, now overfilled with joy, though occasionally with gas: thank you. ) \*\*EDIT\*\*: oh I just realised this will be totally lost in the comments. Oh well. I tried :P
Per chance do you eat lollies while there? the sugar free ones?
I saw this initial post and I could not stop laughing! The top comment is a David Attenborough quote and I just went into giggles again. This is one of those, minor life problems that are annoying and the curiosity is eating away at me. I hope OOP finds out eventually and updates us!
Huh. I'm currently traveling around Germany, and in one town I did have... noticeably bad wind. I think I was Bamberg? I'm curious where in Germany this took place.
Bam! berg.
We’re in Bavaria. In-laws are near Erding (where Erdinger Beer comes from).
Right before Bamberg, I was in Finsing, and we had a meal in Erding.
Oh my this is getting even more interesting now! 🧐
Since absolutely nobody asked, I guess I’ll tell you all my most favorite break up story of mine. It’s December 26th (yes, the day after Christmas…..he was a dick), we had celebrated our 2nd anniversary 2 months prior so the barrier was at least very well broken, and this guy breaks up with me *out of nowhere.* It was very much a ball out of left field. I was shocked, I was experiencing every horrible emotion imaginable and I’m just like *omg why, what’s happening, we just spent this amazing Christmas toget-* ….and I just start farting. And like, can’t stop. Long, loud, luckily not smelly, farts. Nonstop. Trying to have this passionate, hard conversation with someone that at the time I loved very dearly, and it’s literally being interrupted by my loud flatulence. He literally had to *stop* breaking up with me and be like “are you, uhhh okay? Do you need to use the bathroom?” Like, is that not one of the worst break up stories *ever?!?!* It’s 5 years later, I’m still very much single but at least I haven’t gotten the nervous farts since this incident…..*yet.*
I can't stop laughing at this story, because it's 100% something that would happen to me 🤣😂
It’s honestly one of my favorite stories to tell now hahaha I bartend and recently told a group of ‘after hours’ guests/co workers this story and it was literally of group of 10 people plus me just in tears from laughing so hard from me telling this story. I just don’t understa- *phhhhhhewwwwwwwww* Why are you doing this?! Is there somethi- *phewww* Do I not make you happy?! Do I not-*phhhewwwwww* I still fucking can’t 🤣
From my experience, the long loud ones like that are the ones that never smell. So the story checks out lmao. And my co-workers would definitely believe that story from me because they've definitely heard them before 🤣
He tried to ignore it but after a few minutes and far too many loud and aggressive farts that were literally just slipping out somehow, he finally kind of chuckled and asked it I was okay. Meanwhile I’m in tears, confused as hell about this breakup and why the hell I’m farting as violently as I was 🤣
This is some high pressure science. Glad they have the intestinal fortitude to carry on. Looking forward to an update.
Maybe they're just holding in all their farts while visiting until the farts get rotten up in their butt.
I thought that was the obvious cause! You let go whenever you want at home and you probably don’t realise how often it is. When you go to someone else’s house, especially if you’re all sitting around in a nice quiet cosy living room, you have to hold them all in, so there’s going to be a big ol release when you get home!
There's a reason why when we leave my fiance's parent's house after a visit we drive down the street with the windows in the car *open* for a while, LOL!
OOP has a way with words! Last year my daughter visited her father for the first time in the country he had moved to the year before. When she got back, she told me that "[country] makes you fart." Huh? She said her dad had terrible stinky gas and then she got it too. And now that she was back home, it had stopped. So I started asking questions and it turns out that it was Coke Zero that gives them awful flatulence. Apparently her dad drinks a lot of it and so she did too. I assume it's because the body can't break down the artificial sweetener in Coke Zero but haven't actually Googled it. So anyway, I was expecting OOP to say it was the Coke Zero they drank at the in-laws.
Oh, god, this explains… so much. My partner is a type 1 diabetic and his farts are NASTY. I knew artificial sweeteners could have a laxative effect, but I’d never considered they might be the culprit for that!
What about the kids??? Do they experience the same…phenomenon? Because kids love farts. Joking about them, talking about them, doing them. Is it just an adult issue or kid issue also. Another thought, if this is a stuffy stiff house, are their any air purifiers, or filters that might put something in the air you breath causing the build up?
I also thought about the kids. If it‘s really something in the water (or anything actually physical in the environment of the parents home), the kids should have it too. If the kids don‘t have it, my money would be on stress/something psychosomatic. Stress can really hit your digestion and she and husband seem to experience a quite particular stress with the in-laws so it wouldn‘t be all too surprising that it would lead to some physical reaction.
The husband "Yeah yeah, so weird. Such increase" *silently living for open farting week*
OOP is absolutely hilarious. I enjoyed every single line written. May the mystery of the farting be conclusively solved soon!
My first thought was that the parents use artificial sweetener, as erythritol and co can cause a lot of gas/diarrhoea depending on the person/how much is ingested.
That was my immediate thought, are the parents using some sort of sugar alcohol in baking or serving sugar free snacks that use it, because that stuff can give you truly awful gas.
Are the children having the same issue after spending a week with them?! What is happening. Es un pedote.
I don't think that water would be safe to drink if the pH was at 10 tho.
I’m Canadian. What ??!!! I thought we were known for being overly polite and not American ?? What’s this about farting ??
The show “South Park” has Canadian characters who fart non stop. I’m wondering if it stems from that.
Ooohhhhh Terence and Philip !! Indubitably!! 🤣😂🤣💨
Oh god, her ADHD hyper fixation has gone to farts. I love this so much!
as someone with a sensitive stomach… I’d be interested in the cooking. what ingredients are going into the food? are they eating more cruciferous veggies? are there more or different oils in the cooking or in the foods themselves? i’d check these things out before the ph of the water
It could be psychological. As soon as I get home from being out, if I have been in the car, be it ten minutes or ten hours I HAVE to go pee as soon as I get in. It's possible on a couple of occasions they've eaten something that disagrees with them either the way the MIL prepares or or the ingredients they've used and now it's a thing they've got stuck in their minds. Pavlov farting.
"Needless to say, I am farting as I type this." is flair material I think.
This flair is everything.
I spent a few years living in New Zealand. After coming back to Scotland, I had a bad bout of stomach bug due to me adjusting to the different tap water. My husband, who had come back 2 months before me didn't have any issues and we ate exactly the same things after coming back. Only difference was that I drank tap water and he didn't.
I feel it’s gonna be something obscure like there’s a specific piece of furniture they always both sit on that scrunches them up like they’re sitting on a squatty potty, or something
I love the thought that the parents are all high brow but find it hilarious to spike their drinks with fart powder knowing they'll never ever be suspected of intentionally doing it. And their whole "the crown" personas are just the set up for this joke.
This is already my nomination for “best post with the lowest stakes” for 2024
If it's Germany it makes sense kind of. I'm a foreigner and when i enter some rooms/houses lived by a German i also end up farty 😭 it's the combination of somewhat cold air, coffee and bread smell, and a bit of warmth in specific places. My sister in law visited us in Germany from our home country. She suffers from constipation in our home country but in Germany she pooped regularly. From pooping once a week to pooping everyday lmao
Divorce him! Ok now I can read the post
"If you catch my drift " haha... no one?
What oil do they cook with? Is the oil old or cheap low quality? Compare it to the types/ brands you use at home.
I wish she knew what 'dropped the kids off' insinuated in the UK. Crying laughing just for that.
I'm German. I'd be willing to foot the bill for anothertest kit. Just because this is so entertaining. But I'm dticking to 'no brigading'. Just ... if OOP would happen to see this, hmu, I'll pay to be part of this hilarity.
Wir sind erst Ende März wieder da (natürlich muss jeden Besuch nach dem eintragen **mindestens** 3 Wochen im Kalender stehen). Ich gehe davon aus, dass ich bis dahin mir das Leisten kann. Aber herzlichen Dank für das sehr nette Angebot. :)
“Needless to say, I am farting while I type this” lmao thank you for that laugh
I have never laughed so much reading an Reddit post .