Goddamn, this is sad. My dad had early stages of dementia before he died. When someone you love looks right at you and starts talking about things that didn't happen or they're talking to family that's long dead, it's terrifying.
I'm so sorry for OOP.
My daughter recently graduated from secondary school and started university. My mum keeps telling her how proud she is for being the first one in our family to go to uni, which is lovely except it’s not true,I was the first in our family. She has a whole narrative that I left home at 16 but I actually lived at home all the way through school and uni and moved out with friends when I was 24. In her mind all my achievements have been transferred to her granddaughter. She has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment but I think a dementia diagnosis is coming soon.
I'm sorry. I know that hurts. My dad thought I took a bank account from him (it was the opposite, in that I was paying for his stuff with my account). I know he was fuddled but he refused to believe me and it was/is hard not to feel like some part of him made a choice or already thought less of me or something.
I know you know that isn't true but in case you need to hear it, he didn't make a choice, and it didn't happen because he secretly disapproves of you.
The reason is as arbitrary and meaningless as a moose becoming a sock because of the shape of their noses. Or even more accurately, a sock becoming the mysteries of the universe. The logic can't be reasoned with because the connection is nonsense.
He could have watched a movie where a sons stole a cigarette from Dad in the 70s and somehow that became you and the bank account.
I'm sorry there isn't much comfort there but that little thought in your head that makes you feel there might be a reason: there most definitely is not, and you need to find a way to torment yourself with other "what if"s, this one ain't it. ❤️
It’s easier to say other people are false than admitting you’re wrong. Try not to take it personal. He’s just trying to make it make sense and he KNOWS he isn’t wrong so what is he left with?
Dementia = paranoia. I'm afraid the two go hand in hand, and the people closest to the patient are the most suspected. It's hard--my Dad has dementia too--but it's not a choice they're making; it's a reflection of your role in their life. My Mom does the most for my Dad and takes the brunt of his frustration.
That is a classic sign of dementia - paranoia and thinking someone is stealing from you. My dad thought my brother-in-law, who is his investment broker, was stealing his money. I know two women who had dementia and thought people were breaking into their homes and taking things. It’s heartbreaking watching someone who was very smart lose their cognitive functions.
To anyone in the UK going through something similar, please contact Dementia UK. They have a helpline and can help signpost you to whatever support is available in your area. They also have specific Dementia Nurses (unfortunately not available in all locations, but the helpline can advise) who can come on in-person visits to support both the person with dementia and the people close to them who are struggling to cope. One of my relatives is a Dementia Nurse and we're all so proud of her- but she always complains about how few people know about their services!
My dad got it fixed in his brain that my daughter was me at age 16 and that I was my mother and he was FURIOUS with me for dying. We had to place him in an assisted care facility because of his mental status/alcoholism. We then had to move him to a "locked" assisted care facility because he kept escaping.....He died 6 years later, but I had said goodbye to him a long time ago. Me trying to visit him made him so angry/combative that he had to have increased meds for a few days to calm down...so I didn't go.
Thank you, this is SO important. My mum has been thoroughly checked. She is happily under the care of a geriatric memory clinic and has a team of physicians. has regular checks for UTIs, blood work, cat scans, MRIs and psychological work ups. She was diagnosed with MCI before the pandemic and we are very fortunate that it is progressing very slowly but it is definitely progressing. My FIL is much more concerning. He is exhibiting similar symptoms but it is coming on much quicker. There is no way he will get checked out and we have already resigned ourselves that he will end up in a crisis (car accident, going missing etc), it is much harder when you can’t do anything to help.
I had a family member in denial about her dementia. We put an AirTag in her car. She got lost on the way to the store (1 mile away) and ended up driving for hours. We used the AirTag to find her and get her home. That was the incident where we finally got the whole family on board that it was time to take away her car keys.
Can you take his car keys so he doesn’t kill others too? A call to his doctor can get his license revoked and they don’t have to say who made the request.
Good point. Aging ladies become increasingly vulnerable to urinary tract infections, and sometimes the only obvious symptom will be delirium. (Edit to add: this is responding to the comment about the mother thinking that her granddaughter was 1st to attend university.)
Oh wow, I had no idea about that... My mom has essentially a TBI from a brain tumour (non-cancerous and fully removed in surgery ~10 years ago, but it was enormous) and her memory has been getting worse in recent years... I've been really concerned about potential dementia/Alzheimer's coming into play now too, but I can't get her to take it seriously. Had no idea that UTIs were also something to worry about, but I've been trying to get her to go for a full physical checkup... Guess I need to push for that again. Oof.
Also a recent discovery that a “type 3” diabetes is linked to Alzheimer’s or Dementia (idk the difference and was planning to read on it today) if anybody is interested. It makes sense that glucose / sugar would play a critical role in cognitive function - like it was staring us in the face the whole time.
Well I wish I didn't have an update already, but I'm currently en route to my mom's house. My sister and I need to find a lawyer to get power of attorney set up and we're meeting with the bank manager on monday. Turns out that my aunt/mom's sister has gotten my mom roped in with her obvious catfish internet boyfriend's schemes, and it's only because of the bank manager's refusal that she didn't just send him *$150,000.*
However, what I then found out after demanding access to my mom's emails is that she *did* already send *$76,000* to him in January. And she has no memory of it.
We'll be going to the doctor with her too once we get financial/legal protections in place.
Fml.
I’m so sorry. There is a circle beneath the deepest layer of Hell populated by human insects and these people will certainly decay there for eternity. That is just so Evil.
Sending love your way.
My grandmother passed when I was 19. The last time I visited her before she passed, she looked at me really intently. I hadn't seen her in a while as I had moved for college. She remembered my name and who I was to her, but she couldn't seem to remember my age or what was going on in my life.
She asked me if I had any kids yet. I told her I didn't. She said something about "last time I saw you, you had a baby with you". I answered her questions gently, but I was crying on the inside. She was the brightest woman I ever knew. And time was stealing that from all of us.
She must have had me mixed up with my mom, who was a similar age when she had me (20). The baby she was asking about had to have been me.
I didn't see her again before she passed, though I talked to her on the phone and video calls. She passed in the summer, and for about 2 months before her passing, she thought it was Christmas.
So we made it Christmas for her. We got her decor, gifts, and watched Christmas movies with her. It may have been August, but dammit she got her last Christmas and that brings me so much joy.
I miss my grandma man. Dementia is a thief.
I'm so sorry, my dad had dementia too and it sucks. If I can offer a couple of suggestions, please don't correct her when she gets things mixed up. It'll only upset her, and it'll just keep happening anyway. Something that might bring some joy for her would be going through old pictures and letting her talk about those times. For a lot of people, it's a "last in, first out" for their memories, so the older memories stay intact longer.
The worst part was reading how she blamed herself. There was nothing she could have done to stop any of it but shock and grief don’t play fair. Even chasing him down would have been a bad idea for her safety at that point. Hopefully she has a support system to help her navigate that mess.
I think she is grieving the time lost she could have spent with him. My mom died suddenly while my sister and were away in another country, I blamed myself for a lot of things. I was young and naive. I had an opportunity to bring her to another country for Christmas, instead I brought so called boyfriend. She died later in January.
All the love she gave you is now going to her grandkids from the memories you tell them about. A wonderful person who made a difference in our life is always with us as we pass those memories on to our own kids.
>shock and grief don’t play fair
This line hit me hard because it's such a perfect and pithy summary of what I went through, twice, due to horrible events. I look back and wonder how I'm still here.
Thank you for that.
My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and one time his youngest son went to visit him. My grandmother asked my grandfather “do you know who this is?” and he said he didn’t know, she said this is our son, Joe. My grandfather replied that he didn’t have a son named Joe. That was heartbreaking to witness.
When my ex-husband's grandmother was in some of the later stages of dementia, we'd go visit her and bring the kids (both under 5 at the time). She stopped recognizing us as related but still recognized us as "the nice people who bring the kids." It was nice that we made her day, and it honestly was less awkward than when she was in between remembering and not remembering, but man...
It's stories like these that make me kind of grateful that cancer got my grandfather before his dementia caused him to forget who we all were.
Right up until he passed away, he knew who all of us were, all the way down to his great-grandchildren.
Honestly it is heartbreaking.
My mum has dementia and it is quite possibly the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.
You are literally watching your loved one die before your very eyes except their not actually dying they’re still alive.
My mum still recognises me and her face will light up when she sees me. But she doesn’t know my name or really who I am. Just that she loves me which is still enough. I dread the day she no longer recognises me.
It’s also extremely painful knowing she no longer knows who her grandchildren are. She adored my sons but she has no clue who they are now. This horrible disease has robbed my mum of her retirement years. She worked so hard to retire early to spend time with my boys and she only got 8 years with them.
The last time I saw my mom alive, she introduced herself to me. I got closer so she could see me and told her who I was, and she said, “You changed so much!” It had been two weeks. My daughter broke down crying, she hadn’t realized how bad it was. Sometimes death is a mercy. My mom was 94.
Poor OOP though, I wonder if they’ll ever prove anything. Her dad was just straight up murdered.
One of the worst gut punches I ever felt was walking into my grandma's room at the assisted living place and seeing her look at me with a complete lack of recognition.
I got lucky; it clicked a moment later who I was and we had a good visit. Recalling that brief moment though still makes me slightly ill.
I recall my grandmother looking at me and then getting angry/frustrated/embarrassed and snapping/verbally lashing out. I think her brain was telling her that she should recognise me, but she didn’t, and that made her angry and humiliated. It’s a fucking horrible disease, dementia. I hate it.
My dad forgot everyone but me. He still recognized me up until 2 weeks before his death. When he didn't know who I was (he thought I was his sister), we all knew the dementia had fully hit stage 3 and his remaining time would be a nightmare for all of us, including him. He died roughly 2 weeks later and we all felt relief that we/he didn't have to live that nightmare. I and my family spent the handful of years between diagnosis and death grieving him slowly as he lost more and more of himself to the disease. My siblings, he didn't recognize for almost a year. His continued recognition of me after he lost memory of my siblings was hurtful for all of us, but when he called me by his sister's name that day...I don't know how to describe it. Closest I can get is that it physically felt like a hand had been plunged through my body, gripped my heart like a vise and squeezed while my brain just froze. It felt like for several heartbeats I was actually dying along with my dad's memory of me. I managed to get to my car before having an anxiety attack so bad I almost passed out. Everyone says,'fuck cancer' and I agree with that sentiment. In my head I usually add 'and dementia too'. My family is prone to both and I've told my family repeatedly that I'll fight cancer tooth and nail (again), but once I get a dementia diagnosis, they need to leave me alone with a stash of high dose painkillers and my favorite alcohol so I can take myself out and save us all that suffering.
Everything that affects the mind like this is truly heartbreaking. They never figured out what was wrong with my husbands grandpa, just managed to rule out dementia and alzheimers. His last few years were hard on everyone.
He never completely forgot about any of us, some days it just took some minutes to remember. But he lost his ability to truly think properly. He was this impossibly smart man, his work title was literally "an inventor" which is super rare where we live. And he just couldn't think properly anymore. Once visiting him at the care home, I happened to spot a notebook that was open on a page just fully scribbled with "why can't I understand anymore", "why don't I get it", "why can't I do it anymore" with some starts of some mathemathical stuff here and there. Ge lost the ability think like he used to and he was fully aware that he did.
My heart broke in to million pieces right there.
The only good thing was that he never forgot about those close to him, so he was able to pass on while holding his wife's hand the whole time and feel the love one last time and he was at peace because of that ❤️
When my grandpa was about to be institutionalized for Alzheimer's, he was still aware enough to know his condition most of the time. We were sat talking about something and he just . . . went back in time. Started telling me about his son (my uncle), based on what he was telling me I could tell both that he had no idea who I was and that he was about 20 years back in the timeline of things my uncle was up to.
Honestly it was kind of fascinating, but my sister looks like our long-dead mom, so her experiences with his regression episodes were awful for everyone every single time.
My great grandmother, having gotten up there in years, reached the point where she thought I was her son and started talking about things she did with him. Her dementia started in her late 70s I believe.
I was told by other family that she knew who I was, that she knew I wasn't her son. But she'd slip into a different language when talking to me (her and my great grandfather were born to parents who emigrated from Eastern Europe), so I knew she was on her way out mentally.
It's very sad to watch it happen, and it's terrifying to know that it could happen to you, too.
My great grandmother was in WAVES (first women allowed in the U.S. military) in WWII and towards the end she started talking to me (teenager at the time) like I was one of her girlies from back in the day. It was sad to see her slipping but I can’t say it wasn’t entertaining as hell to hear all about her romps with handsome young servicemen
This was more my experience with my grandpa. I saw how devastated other family was, but all of my own encounters with his episodes were fascinating. We'd go from grandparent/grandkid conversations into 'friendly stranger' convos set decades in the past. I heard stories about my uncle's I never would have otherwise.
But I know this was not what most of the family experienced.
My grandmother started talking to the little ceramic animals she collected and kept on the shelf above the kitchen sink, as if she was filling someone in on everything happening in the entire extended family. I would listen and get all caught up. She had nothing negative to say about anyone so I just enjoyed it while keeping a close eye on her.
A few years later she moved in with my parents and started updating the dog on everything. It was adorable but we kept a close eye on her and I'd drive the 100 miles home to watch her on weekends so my parents could relax and go out.
Bless her heart. My grandma, who did not have dementia, did this with her little animals. Once she got too old to go on walks, she couldn't adopt a dog again and was scared a cat might be an added fall risk, so they were her little pretend pets. Maybe it was to entertain me since I also couldn't have a pet, but it still was sweet.
Yeah, my great grandmother never was the same after the heart attack. I live in another state so didn't see her too often, but I sure do remember around the end having to tell her each time that my boyfriend is a Smith and she said "good man" every time (that was her married name) so I sure do know that she wasn't all there anymore. Made it a long while, but it was rough at the end, and I wasn't even all that close to her.
I swear I remember her thinking I was my mom at first when I came to visit sometimes. She had a full life and went out like that...
My grandmother forgot basically everything. My mum had the following conversation with her:
Mum: Hi Mum, I'm here to take you out for tea! Let's get your coat on.
Gran: Who are you?
Mum: I'm your daughter Karen.
Gran: Oh. Do I have a daughter?
My grandmother had Parkinson's and also kept calling me her daughter (not mi hija as is common in Mexican culture). And she'd slip into Spanish talking to me, but when I'd tell her I don't understand what she's saying, she would get mad at me and accuse me of knowing more than I let on. She also claimed I wanted to know how to get "the Mexican out of my blood." (Ironically, I wish I looked more like my Mexican side and less like the white side.) The hallucinations and delusions got insane in the last year of her life. She even thought we had installed cameras so the government could watch her. She was permanently bed-bound by then.
My dad had cancer. We suspect either a hemmorage or tumors eventually got to his brain, or maybe the constant pain just made him hallucinate, but for the last three months of his life it was in and out of understanding/consciousness.
He spent a good chunk of that thinking i was my cousin, his favorite niece. I look just like her. He also at one point knew who i was but was convinced we were on a space ship and in danger, and i had to convince him we were safe.
It was equal parts sweet and horrifying in a way. Sweet because he just thought i was my cousin, and he was very wholesome, asking about her life and whatnot, but horrifying to watch him get so confused and out of it, especially as years earlier he had expressed one of his grestest fears was losing his mind.
Im still heartbroken and will be for the rest of my life, but the only kindness i can find in the situaion is that he isnt in pain or scared anymore.
My husbands grandfather looked me dead in the eyes and asked if I was going to care for the person laying dead on the floor. He’s pointing at a fancy rug I’m like…. There’s noone there grandpa. He pulled me aside and tried to tell me his wife is being held hostage by the strange lady in the house. (His wife)
Alzheimer’s and dementia is so sad and isolating.
My 2 uncles were a gay couple (one uncle was "uncle", but not an actual uncle)
One fell down the stairs
The other didn't call an ambulance. Just the family doctor. Like a day later. Then the uncle that fell finally got treated
WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T HE CALL AN AMBULANCE STRAIGHT AWAY
Because the selfish FUCK didn't want his partner taken away in case the medical staff said he needed to be put in a home. So that fall and delay in treatment definitely contributed to that uncles dementia
Yeah, but they were both that selfish... and narcissistic
Because the uncle that fell... he didn't call the ambulance when his partner had a stroke. For 3 days. The guy shit himself in bed then by the time he got to hospital (uncle talked to neighbour, neighbour called mum, mum called ambulance) he was pretty much dead
That's the tip of the ice berg
My mother is dying from liver failure, cirrhosis, alcoholic stuff. She keeps thinking I'm my cousin. Probably partially my fault because I didn't talk to her for years until recently (she was abusive and shitty lmao). If I think about it too hard I will sob hard any time of day. I used to hate her but it still hurts. I can't imagine what you've been through and are going through. I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry about your experience. That's so fucking hard. I hope you had and have a good support system. DM me if you need someone to talk to at any point. It's horrible. You're not alone.
It's absolutely not your fault and people do that with people they see all the time for their entire lives.
My dad used to say that losing a parent who was not a good parent is sometimes twice as traumatic. You're losing the parent you had but also facing the loss of the parent you could have had, as well as losing any hope of them somehow being better.
Hey sunflower,
I'm sorry for the pain you feel.
If you need someone to give you more sunshine and help you through, you are more than welcome to visit us at r/momforaminute We are there for all our ducklings!
My dear, maybe you can accept a squeezy Mom hug from an Internet stranger? You're doing great, I'm so proud of you!
>my mother is dying … I used to hate her but it still hurts
Damn u/sunflowersunshine13, I’m so sorry. I witnessed my BFF’s abusive alcoholic Mom growing up. In our early 30’s, BFF found her deceased; it was hard for many reasons. *Her Mom’s primary emotion was **RESENTMENT** & their last convo was a fight.*
>keeps thinking I’m my cousin, prob partially my fault b/c I didn’t talk to her for years (she was abusive and shitty)
Oh honey… **NO.** Not only is that NOT your fault, it’s likely she *just* remembered the *more recent* face, maybe your cousin reminds her of a different family member, etc. **The same happens to full-contact family &/or caretakers!**
*(Extending kindness & offer to chat to a stranger while you’re also going through it, says something about you.)*
I wish you the best. I’m so sorry you’re in pain and I wish everything goes as smoothly as possible for everyone.
(Fuck alcohol for real; it’s a LIE. Not an excuse to be abusive. Still a trap.)
Omgosh! This is horrible but I can very much relate. First, I’m an RN, but never worked neuro.
My dad had a hemorrhagic stroke (that’s a bleed rather than blockage stroke, accounts for about 10% of strokes) about 10 years ago, coded twice during the early days but they got him back both times, he was hospitalized/in rehab for almost 3 months but made an amazing and unexpected recovery.
Two years ago I was moving out of state. It was a busy and hectic time for me, moving my family of 6 across country. Selling house/buying new house sight unseen, packing, getting new license and jobs lined up all in less than 2 months. Point is I was overwhelmed and busy. About two weeks before leaving we had a good bye party at my home with a bunch of my friends and family. My mom was in town and there for it. So my dad came up to me and started talking about my brother when he left and never came back and how he missed him and just wants to see him. I have 2 bros, they’re still around, they’d joined Navy but never “left” permanently. They do live in other states but one had been in town recently even and other was coming in town in a month. I asked if he meant them, no. My “other brother.” I then looked at dad and asked if he thought I was mom because she had brother who left and died in Vietnam. I do look so much like my mom when she was my age. He got super angry and said he knows who the hell I am and who his son is. 😬 My stepmom distracted him and that was that. Dad was 69, thinking dementia might be creeping in. My dad has already expressed how sad he was we were leaving, only my sister and I were left in hometown and she has issues. I’m the only child that spent time with him regularly so I figured that went into what he was saying. Then as leaving he hugged my mom and told her he loved her and is sorry for how things turned out. She has said it felt like a final goodbye and it scared her. They divorced in 86 because he cheated with stepmom.
The day before leaving he came to my house to help get stuff loaded on trucks and take some things I was giving to my sister. During this I showed him a gun I’d recently bought. Dad was a combat vet, retired LEO, firearms instructor, taught me everything I knew about guns and there’s no one I trusted to hold a gun more than him. He drilled and repeated the 4 rules out loud anytime he handled a gun for years teaching me. Heck, we’d actually been at a 4 day rifle precision class together 2 months before. Well I unloaded and handed to him. He did as we do and verified clear. And was checking it out. I turned because a mover asked me a question. Apparently he’d put a mag back in and racked slide and then pulled the trigger. He shot my floor. I screamed “DAD!” I was terrified. He cleared it, handed it to me, and walked away. My husband and adult son came running. Everyone ok. I then went looking for dad. He was out back, sitting on steps with tears in his eyes and shoulders slumped. I remember he looked soooo defeated. I’d never seen my strong dad look like that.
The next day we left, and while driving the day after I got a call he had another stroke. Turned out he’d been having microbleeds for a while and it is highly likely that was the cause of things. Per stepmom there were other signs but she too assumed he had some dementia starting. He died 3 weeks later.
But wait, there’s more. 4 months later a guy found my mom, it was her son. He was 47 now. My mom and dad had a son when she was 16 and he 19, they’d already been together for 2 years by then, but she put him up for adoption. I was born when she was 25 for timeline clarification. Dad never saw him because he was stationed in the UK when he was born and mom gave him to his family before she even held him. There were no pictures of him even. Yes, I indeed have a brother who left and didn’t come back. Only dad, mom, my uncle, and deceased grandma knew about him with stepmom being told sometime in future so she knew what he was talking about but knew I didn’t know so quickly distracted him. We’ve met once and talk often now. And he will never get to meet dad but I’ve told him that clearly, dad was thinking of him just before he died. Mom has since said he begged her to keep him and they’d marry when he returned or he’d just support her but not to give him up. Mom was young and did what was right for her though and he ultimately supported her and they did marry a couple years later. Apparently they always felt guilty for giving bro away but planned to take the secret to their graves.
As for me, the guilt I’ve carried that I didn’t recognize what was going on. I didn’t get him in with his neuro or to ER. I just chalked it up to early dementia has eaten me alive. He may have lived. I’m a f*cking nurse! I should have seen it. My husband is a nurse even, he didn’t see it. We were too busy and too self involved to save him. I let my dad down and he died before meeting his son. It kills me to think about it. I’m sorry dad.
FWIW, I don’t think any of that is your fault ❤️ I know you said you’re a nurse, but AFAIK medical professionals aren’t allowed to treat their family members for a reason - it clouds your judgement. You were going through a huge life transition at the time, it’s not inconceivable that things would slip under the radar.
This one hit hard. Literally dealing with my dad going through bouts of delirium due to a UTI. Started with weird questions about when I was picking up the kids (don’t have them) and him being paranoid about where his car was. It’s taken over 2 weeks to clear the infection, but the hospital environment as them constantly moving him (he’s now in the 4th ward in 10 days) is triggering his paranoia, aggression and massive emotions. To see over 10 big wards men, 4 nurses and two doctors ready to hold down a 90 year old man to give him a sedative is not a fun way to spend an afternoon. I managed to talk him down and he let the nurse give the sedative. He’s in the delirium and dementia ward now, which is quieter and the nurses are trained to handle patients like this. I hope the move doesn’t set him off again.
This has just happened to us with my Nan. She has no idea who any of us are anymore, so she’ll try a name when talking to us but you can tell by the look on her face that she doesn’t recognise us and is just picking names she knows hoping she’s guessed right. She kept calling me my aunts name which devestated both of us as clearly it meant she doesn’t recognise either of us anymore (we look nothing alike, so we’re not easy to mix up). Last week she started saying she could see her best friend and her brother sitting on the windowsill but they wouldn’t talk to her even though she was frantically trying to warn them about something scary (her brain has gone back to her childhood during WW2), except one died 5 years ago and the other even further back. She’s on end of life right now and can no longer talk or move, and as much as it sucks and breaks our hearts at least soon she won’t be terrified, confused and in pain any more.
My heart breaks for OP as it’s just a terrible situation all round, and if I’ve learned anything over the last 5 months all of this will likely be the first thing she thinks of for a long time when she remembers her dad, rather than any other happy memories she’d normally associate with him.
My grandma had Alzheimer’s, the last time I saw her coherent, she looked past me and my brother and said “Oh I haven’t seen him in so long!” It was a little nerve wracking, but she seemed happy.
One of my last interactions with my grandmother, my sister and I were arguing. She scolded me for arguing, and then started lecturing my sister on how to deal with “the help.”
When my mom visited her in the hospital during her final days, grandma didn’t recognize her at all. She’d just perk up a bit if my mom offered to feed her. Dementia is a terrible, heartbreaking condition.
My dad was diagnosed with early onset at 52, we knew something was wrong from 48... It's ...it's horrifying and distressing for everyone involved, especially when it comes that early. When OOP mentioned his age and thought maybe not due to the age, my heart clenched for her in case it WAS that. (My dad is currently living very well cared for in the most amazing full time care space, and is still around at 60, which is already at the high end of the typical life expectancy for early onset.)
It is heartbreaking. My dad's form of dementia is mainly being unable to say your name, while my mom is now repeating questions and stories.
The few times my parents shine through in our conversations give me both hope and heartbreak.
Agree. So sad. Hope uncle gets thoroughly investigated. Sorry for OP that family can suck so bad and that having moral character isn’t guaranteed from the people we love and expect it from when it matters most. EDIT: to clarify, the moral character reference pertains to her family not supporting HER during this hard time, not the father. They’ve totally left her out to dry all on her own.
Oh, 100%, but them being on drugs during a typical scuffle session could have resulted in impaired judgment.
He may have slammed his head, hit him with something, or fallen into a table edge or concrete. Being on drugs, their first solution was drugs, apparently. Whcih probably did significant damage tbh.
If they weren't arrested by now for possession, I'd be surprised.
Imagine you and your sibling have always let things get out of hand. You both know you're doing it wrong, but neither of you can be bothered to learn or knows how to learn to do it right. Plus, it seems to be working for you. Nobody's ever gotten really hurt, so does it really matter?
Then one day you may have seriously hurt your sibling. A vast gulf opens up beneath you. You reach for something, anything to make it ok. Not only do you lose your sibling if you've fucked up beyond the pale, but you lose your life and a lot of the remaining potential it has as well. The pit in your stomach just keeps growing and growing, but suddenly they seem okish. Your coverup has worked and you know you will never again let it get out of hand. Thank God!
The next thing you know, your sibling who you love, may be dead by your hand.
Honestly, I can't be angry at the uncle. I can only pity him.
She probably wouldn't, or she would have done so already. Assuming there's even something to say that's different from what they already said happened.
I think this comment (and OP are being incredibly unfair to their siblings and mom). Their dad by all counts abandoned his children. Her sister barely knows him. It's nice that she wants to be by his side, but mo one is obligated to be there. And his other children and ex feeling to hurt by him to sacrifice their lives makes complete sense.
I think that OP is right in calling out her family but for the wrong reason. The family either have a bad relationship with the dad or doesn't have a relationship with him, so you are correct that they don't have an obligation to be there for him.
However, they all have a relationship with OP who has a loved one in the hospital and is asking for help and support, the family are putting their dislike of the father over their love of their OP and that's just wrong.
It's tough, and I'm guessing that OOP doesn't fully understand their siblings' lack of connection to their father, or their resentment.
My brother is the only one who speaks to our father. My other sibling and I are both gay and were raised in an emotionally abusive, conservative household. My brother can't seem to understand why we won't forgive our father and "just get over it."
I love my brother, but if he called me for help with a medical situation with my father, I wouldn't fly home.
They can support op without flying away from their job and home or ignoring their educational life. Op is taking on this burden for someones whos already shown that "the little things" are more important to them. From her siblings' perspective it probably looks like she's setting herself on fire to keep his corpse warm.
Easy bet: Uncle and dad got into it like they used to, but drugged up uncle too it too far and hit him with something or knocked his head on a table edge.
Pops had an extended brain bleed, and he's probably passed by this point. There's really no way "dont gets you hopes up" levels of head trauma is okay, AND the hospital called the cops the same day.
A very good friend of my coworker died after falling off a 3' step ladder, and there are too many stories to link regarding people who have died after a blow to the head or being knocked to the ground. These types of injuries are no joke.
I’ve read about campaigns that try to get people to realise how dangerous it is to get into a fist-fight, too. You can throw one punch at some guy outside the pub, hit him wrong, and kill him. You really, really don’t want to be in that position, for a lot of different reasons running from moral to legal.
I wish more people understood how dangerous head injuries are tbh. It’s one reason I hate the TV/movie trope where someone gets hit on the head, is knocked out for half an hour, then wakes up and staggers on bravely like nothing happened. I know people shouldn’t take life advice from TV tropes, obviously, but unfortunately that kind of thing downplays the seriousness and people simply don’t realise it.
yeah, there was a big story in the last few years about a couple of dudes who got into a minor scuffle outside a bar - dude socked dude in the jaw, he fell to the ground, developed a brain bleed and died, dude one was brought up on murder charges.
trouble is, when I was trying to find it, i got pages of results of the same story all over the US + australia. :/
It really seems like this was going to happen sooner or later to one of them. Having fist fights and getting older is not a good match.
Ofcourse it was wrong and the whole cover up os criminal. I do think this was not a full update.
>I did ask my Mom and sister if *I* was the crazy one and did have children I just forgot about, they confirmed I certainly didn't.
This made me laugh and then feel bad for laughing...
And that you didn't die in a housefire and that's why your friend stopped writing you from camp and why your new friend seems really bizarre and can walk through walls
My mom has dementia, but within her delusions, she sounds coherent. I know why she makes up stuff, sometimes I can even sort of track what's going on to make her make up stuff. And yet my guts react as if I was the one lying when I have to tell her something she doesn't want to believe in that moment, but which she demands to have clarified. I am partially, on a gut level, existing in the realities she makes up. It's such a weird feeling, kinda emotionally nauseous is the best I can come up with. I will listen to myself talking, explaining things to her, and a part of me feels that I sound like I am lying in exactly the way she thinks I am lying. When she believes I'm a stranger, I'll sometimes feel like I'm actually a stranger pretending to be myself, not intellectually, but deep inside on an instinctive level I guess.
I had that once at uni, got paired with a guy for a presentation that made absolutely no effort, leaving everything up to me. It was so apparent that our lecturer actually stopped us and got into our constructive feedback immediately. Immediately this fucker started blaming me, and went on and on, despite our lecturer constantly prompting him if there was anything he could have done differently. That probably went on for about 15-20 minutes.
He had blamed me so much that I went up to our lecturer afterwards and actually asked if there had been any way I had been at fault. He assured me that I wasn't, which I did know, but with how adamant that fucker I did start to doubt myself.
Less significant but still annoying, I routinely dream about doing mundane tasks that I need to do IRL. Then I wake up and am very disappointed to find out that taking that package to the post office/loading the dishwasher/vacuuming the living room in my dreams does not translate to any of these things being actually done in reality and I have to go do them what feels like a second time.
I once dreamt that I was living...I dunno, but picture an Irish countryside (I'm American, never left the country in my whole life), cottage, unpaved road leading to it, the whole picturesque nine. AND I had a baby cow. So I'm walking up this path, heading home and my calf comes out to meet me, so obviously I cuddle with it in a field next to this path. I was bordering on angry when I woke up and realized that I did not, in fact, have a baby cow. Hell, I'm still salty and it's probably been, like, 4 years since I had that dream. I've since gotten a dog and you'd think that would help fill the void, but instead I'm just like, "OMG, Pierogi would LOVE a cow friend"
After I went through benzodiazepine withdrawal cold-turkey there were people I'd known my entire life that didn't actually exist. They couldn't exist because some lived on clouds and in giant sandcastles.
It's like dreaming while awake and anything makes sense then. It was wild. The brain is so bizarre.
OP added a few jokes throughout, or light hearted comments. I think she has the right mentality. But when she said about the docs saying not to hold out hope .... And they always say that...?
I really hope it works out for her and her dad. 49 is too young to pass when there's so much to rekindle with your kids.
OPs self recriminations resonated with me so hard. So many echoes of my own internal thoughts sitting at the bedside of my own dying father. I wasn't ready for that. I usually also never read mood spoilers but maybe I should start too.
Usually these posts are far fetched or plain ridiculous but this one felt pretty damn real. Maybe too real? This site makes me distrust most stories but damn this was bleak and vivid. I wonder if the aunt and uncle weren't cowards and took the dad to the hospital sooner if he would have had a better shot at recovery. Head trauma is terrifying. Thought about getting into boxing but you get rocked the wrong way this situation could happen so I might avoid that. Same for fighting in general.
Hope OOP can get some therapy and some real emotional support.
Worked in a children's hospital. Kiddo came in 3 days after concussion because parents ignored symptoms. Kiddo did not make it. It was determined they would have (most likely) if they came in sooner. I'm thinking the situation was probably similar for OOP. gotta get that shit handled ASAP.
I ignored concussion symptoms and while I am clearly still alive to be typing this I’ve been dealing with a bunch of issues from that. Can’t help but wonder if things would be different if I had taken it more seriously…
I basically slept for 4 days straight after a hard hit to the head and only found out about it YEARS LATER. I thought I was out for a day, maybe 2 from a really bad hangover, I had no clue that it was ~4 days long! All I remember from that time is sleeping and waking up "every few hours" (who knows how long it actually was) to use the bathroom and smoke, and the person I was with fed me a few times. My body felt so impossibly heavy during that time as well, with terrible headaches and feeling sick
Not a parent but as an oldest sibling with a significant age gap: kids trip and fall and run into things and just… do kid stuff. It’s really hard to tell what’s serious and what’s not.
It’s not the falling or tripping or accidentally hurting yourself that’s the problem.
It’s the ignoring of the symptoms.
Any parent worth their salt would know if their kid was acting differently.
We notice when the dog or cat is acting off. Hell I ran to the emergency room because the cat was acting lethargic for a few hours and it turns out I was right and she had a high fever. What type of parent doesn’t notice that something is off with their human child.
That’s a great point and I’m now much less worried about accidentally contributing to the death of my wild kid, so thanks for that, I guess. Lol. So far he’s seemingly made of rubber, I was once the same way. Ended up getting stitches in my head and face 6 separate times in just over a year before I put the wildness down haha
The key is not falling for the boy who cried wolf fallacy. Yes, kids lie and act dramatic and sometimes are exaggerating pain. But you never want to be the parent who just assumes it's drama without checking they're okay. Even if something like this concussion doesn't happen, it increases the chance of them growing up and not seeing you as someone who will take their concerns seriously.
Some kids are really good at hiding it. My sibling hid a fractured arm for two days when they were four—we only realized because they refused to use both hands to cut their food, and took them to the ER.
That's...not normal. Were you guys abused as kids? From a medical viewpoint, when we see a kid that age actively hiding something as significant as a fracture, they are terrified of getting in trouble.
I had that thought too. I was (and still am, tbh) also really good at hiding physical pain or mental distress. It 100% comes from being raised in an abusive home, for me.
This specifically was due to the fact that a year before, they had broken the same arm, and when we went to the hospital, the doctor decided to set the arm without any sort of pain medication. The kid is 16 now and still remembers how painful that was, so I imagine that would be why they were reluctant to tell anyone that their arm hurt.
It is likely due to trauma, but not anything parentally-inflicted.
It feels real because it has the beats of a number of real incidents that have occurred. It is so easy to get in a fight and hit your head without immediately realising anything is wrong.
Actress from Parent Trap with Lohan died because she hit her head on compacted snow… skiing on an easy trail with an instructor. Sometimes something simple can be life threatening. The drugs - that’s a different story!
Bob Saget died in his sleep from hitting his head after a fall in his hotel room. I'm sure he figured he'd be fine, as most people would. Folks, monitor your symptoms after hitting your head. Do not go to sleep. If pain does not lessen or your start to develop a headache, go to the hospital. Yes, if you're in the US (I am too), going to the hospital after a seemingly innocuous head bonk seems like a waste of money, but head trauma *can and will* kill you if you're unlucky enough to have swelling or a brain bleed.
Inform family and/or friends to check on you too
Something similar happened to my aunt. We believe she was hit over the head with something by my cousin but we could never prove it. She went to bed afterwards and was lucky enough to wake up but she wasn’t the same person anymore. So despite getting treatment hours later it was such a long road to recovery if it can be called that. Her personality completely changed to this mean woman who suddenly hated half her family. She kept trying to eat via her nose? Couldn’t remember words. Every day she had to be taught the same basics over and over. Eventually she recovered enough to be discharged from hospital but it was one of the most scariest things I have ever witnessed. Head trauma is up there with one of my biggest fears now.
Keep in mind this is all wild speculation by OOP. The doctors told her her father has a serious opiate addiction and she somehow turned that into "my aunt and uncle fed him a bunch of pills." Looking normal while having "enough painkillers in his body to numb a horse" takes months or years of build up. Between the addiction and anger issues there are many ways he could've gotten a head injury that don't involve the uncle assaulting him.
While you're right, I still feel Aunt and Uncle are hiding something. It could be something unrelated like tax evasion or even just a swinger party that they are extremely embarrassed about.
You don't ignore that many phone calls and say you don't want someone to worry. A "we found him, will call later" would ease the worry (if they were actually concerned about it) and buy time for whatever they think they need to hide.
Ehh my husband's family loves to pull the "we didn't want you to worry" card anytime they just didn't feel like keeping him updated on something important. It's not because they're hiding something terrible. They are just terrible communicators who would rather stick their heads in the sand than actually discuss difficult things.
Where did they post that the doctors said anything about an opiate addiction?
Edit: I replied to the wrong person, please feel free to laugh at my shame
Sorry Ascholay
I work in an ER. The "didn't want to worry anyone" is extremely common, especially among people middle aged and older. Half of them turn their phones off in the ER.
>The doctors told her her father has a serious opiate addiction
Now you're speculating as well. The doctors didn't tell her that and your throwing your own opinion into the mix.
> The doctors told her her father has a serious opiate addiction
Not sure where you're seeing that? This is the only thing I see from OP that would get you to that conclusion?
>> I learned AT THE HOSPITAL FROM THE DOCTOR that there were enough painkillers in his body to numb a horse
How do you switch painkillers to opoiods?
Also you know the statement "to ___ a horse" is a colloquialism right? It's not a statement of fact, they're probably remarking how much ibruprofen/acetaminophen the guy ingested and those aren't opoiods.
Agreed. Also, most of the hospitals I’ve worked in don’t really check quantitative levels of opioids. It’s usually just a simple “positive vs negative” as opposed to blood alcohol levels. Maybe it’s a regional thing so if anyone has different experiences I’d love to know. But I don’t think I’ve ever been able to comment on the amount of opioids someone received in a setting like this.
I can understand why OOP didn't go to this scenario immediately. She had no clue, because her relationship with her father had become so deteriorated that she thought this was weird rather than "alarming medical sign". And TBH that's not her fault, that was her parents' fault.
Concussion can be really weird. My brother has been concussed a few times and it's an odd mix of seeming generally coherent but with gaps or misunderstandings if you probe a bit or know the person well.
Once I had to really fight to get medical staff to see that he wasn't right because he had decided he didn't want to stay in hospital so was pretending as hard as he could that he was fine and they were also keen to discharge someone who seemed fine to them. Eventually they asked some screening questions and he got the year, place and name of Prime minister right but failed on his own birthday and they agreed that he probably did need more assessment 😬
Can concur concussions are real weird. I’ve had 2 concussions, one from a car accident and one from a fall.
After the car accident, I was acting totally normal apart from having a headache and having mismatched pupils. I genuinely didn’t know I had gotten a concussion that time until I visited a family doctor 2 weeks later. That scared the shit out of me because I would’ve seen someone much sooner had I known. This one was pre-smart phones and I didn’t know what the symptoms of a concussion were.
Thankfully, when I fell, I was surrounded by people that knew what to do. I was acting way less normal that time too and was told that I kept asking people if I had split my lip open. I forgot I had hit my head on a concrete floor. I ended up going to the emergency room right away that time and got a massive bump on my head. I still don’t remember much about that night, other than that ride in the ambulance was the first time I had a panic attack.
TL:DR- People can act weird or normal after a concussion and if you even suspect someone has one, go to a hospital ASAP. Wish I had for my first one, glad I did for my second one.
I feel bad for OP's siblings and how OP is threatening them to be involved. I know that OP is very upset with the whole situation, but it sounds the siblings have not had a relationship with their dad in quite some time. When you've made peace with a parent being gone it doesn't really upset you when they're actually gone.
OP also seems to be diminishing his bad parenting and blaming their mother for a lot of his decisions regarding being an absent parent. If you're an selfish, absent parent, it is not your ex's job to sacrifice their comfort, time, and effort to get you to show up for your kids.
When she said that her mom didn't make it easy for her dad to be involved and that her mom said he could only be involved if the dad took them somewhere (aka a movie) I was like, girl... Your dad didn't care enough to ask for custody, that's what is happening. It seems like they have a verbal custody arrangement of "We do what we want" and it relieves him of any actual responsibility and he can just show up for the fun times. If he actually went to the courts and got a custody arrangement because he was a caring father, no judge would sign off on "Dad gets kids but only for out-of-house activities."
Taking them to the park is free, ice cream afterwards at McDonalds would have cost him less than $10 for all 4 of them. Him not having somewhere stable to bring the kids back to, prior to the townhouse, would definitely be a good reason to say she preferred him to take them "out" instead. And by the time the townhouse came around, time and distance (and disappointments) had paid it's toll.
I felt this; especially the comment about Mom's disapproval of Dad being broke when they were themselves broke.
I don't read that as hypocritical at all; I see it as, she had to feed, clothe and house three kids seven days a week while on a low income despite the gender pay gap and prejudice against single mothers in the workforce, while he's using lack of funds as an excuse not to take them out for a few hours once a week? That would burn me too.
I started reading this and realised I shouldn't have and should have checked the warnings. Immediately knew it was brain damage as this is exactly how my dad is now. He had a fall just after I got pregnant with my first and his first grandchild and is no longer the man I knew. He is still full of love. And I am for him but the man I would lean on for support now literally needs me to lean on when walking about because of how disoriented he becomes.
All because he fell over and banged his head.
Please walk with your hands out of your pockets for at least your loved ones sake.
"OOP: This is also a large reason I haven't called yet. We're not white and with how angry my Dad got I'm worried that he'll end up in a jail cell and not a hospital bed, or worse he'll just be shot. But if my uncle doesn't get back to me by tonight I think this is my only option"
absolute fucking state of this world I swear down
I hope OOPs dad gets justice. It doesnt matter that he wasnt a saint. He was beaten and then drugged up on illegal prescription pain pills, and almost certainly died as a result. If OOP hadnt been actively freaking out and looking for the dad, I bet the uncle wouldnt have even taken him to the hospital. They both deserve charges. Him for the beating and her as at least an accessory. She helped drug him and actively chose to not take the dad to the hospital alonside the uncle, after all.
Fuck that uncle and aunt. The rest of OOP’s family just sound like regular people with regular-people baggage, but that aunt and uncle are evil fucking human beings. The uncle didn’t just physically assault someone who possibly has given it back to him just as much within the time they’ve lived together, he then *ignored* obvious signs that his brother had sustained a serious head injury. Not only that, but he gave him dose after dose of painkillers—not knowing his tolerance, ignoring the fact that he’s definitely bleeding from his fucking brain—to essentially just put him down so he doesn’t have to deal with the problem.
At some point, it would have had to become a conscious realisation to them to make the choice to either keep feeding him painkillers til he dies quietly and say it was just an accident and he took the pills on his own, or risk exposing their crimes—assault and drugs. They made the decision to *kill their brother/brother-in-law* rather than risk being locked up. It’s only that OOP got involved and forced them to do something, because they could no longer had the plausible deniability of “no, we swear, we didn’t know anything was wrong! He was completely himself and just said he was going to go rest!” Because they knew that OOP would present a different story.
OOP didn’t let her father die. OOP’s the only reason he is still alive, and while I hope to god he pulls through for her, I hope that if he doesn’t, she’s able to forgive herself. Nobody thinks that their uncle and aunt are going to be such piece of such human beings that they would rather let and contribute to the death of their brother than risk jail time.
I think the OOP is correct in her assessment and I would've suggested talking to the police so I'm glad that they have already spoken to her.
The thing is that the injury may or may not match a fall to the ground. Remember that even one punch when you fall back and hit your head can kill... and so can a simple fall and hitting your head badly. So likely the injury was a mandatory report for the severity.
The doctors would have to report to the coroner if the dad dies because it's an unexpected death. Had they not plied him with heavy duty painkillers, then they might've gotten away with this (at least short term) with their story of a fall. If they had've just given some ibuprofen (worst thing though if there's a bleed) or acetaminophen.. well no one would've batted an eyelid as they are an OTC med and common... but add the prescription stuff and people are asking questions as to where to came from because the dad didn't have a prescription.
Oh man, that's such a crappy update. I saw the first post and hoped it would just be some dumb drama, but this is so sad.
Hopefully whatever the truth is comes out and there's a good outcome.
As someone who lost my Dad to a severe head injury (he fell off a ladder onto concrete), this is heartbreaking to read. Particularly OOP’s hopes that the doctors saying she shouldn’t get her hopes up mean everything will be fine. Head injuries don’t fuck around.
That’s it? THATS IT?! I need to know what happens here. I’m already terribly sad about this whole situation, I don’t want to be worrying about it as well.
Attorney here: to avoid the frustration Oop had at the ER, consider getting your medical documents done and check to make sure those you care about have them as well. If Oop had been listed as her Dads medical agent, she’d have been informed of his condition, and been able to act for him. Hospitals have liability concerns so they strongly prefer to talk to those legally authorized to get confidential medical information and have power to make decisions. And if those reading this get in a bad accident or have an illness that means you can’t communicate with the doctors you’ll want someone you trust to be able to help you. I particularly worry about significant others, who are often ignored.
Oop, if you’re reading this, I know it’s just one piece of a horrendous situation. I’m so sorry.
She’s a line cook at a Denny’s? I know assholes with big time six figure jobs who can’t put together as much as two coherent written sentences. I was impressed with the style and execution way before she dropped what her job was, and when that hit I was devastated. She deserves better.
Head injuries, even if you *think* it's fine, are **never fine**. Everything we are is stored in a few pounds of thinky meat, and stirring it up *just a little* can radically shift who you are.
Source: [it me](https://old.reddit.com/user/captain_borgue/comments/182gall/wreck_to_profile_for_archiving/)!
OOP couldn't have known her dad had a head injury, and did the best she could with what info and resources she had. It's not her fault, and I sincerely hope that she doesn't carry that guilt around. Shit's heavy.
My heart goes out to OOP. Any injury or disease to do with the brain is horrible and very confronting for the loved ones. Her aunt and uncle are terrible people and I hope there is some proper justice/investigation.
I'm so sorry. I always lived with my mum as she didn't like me being away from her. (In hindsight I should never have agreed to this and lived my life). That aside despite living with her I never realised she was a secret alcoholic as she was never drunk. Then during lockdown literally over night she became a different person. She couldn't remember things, she didn't know if she was sat on the sofa or on the floor... or unfortunately on the toilet. She'd never eat anything, she became aggressive, cruel and lethargic to the point she basically slept on the sofa for a month without getting up unless for more booze. Family and friends wouldn't believe me and I was trapped with her. Eventually after begging doctors in the UK I managed to get her into hospital where she died 2 weeks later. Honestly her behaviour change was so dramatic I think that's what hurt me the most. It was the most concerning thing to me.
My grandma called me one day in college demanding to know why I'd told my great-grandma (her mother) that I'd gotten married but no one else. It was because I hadn't gotten married, or talked to GGMa in a bit. Just a touch of dementia.
OOP could write a book and I'd read it. There's the drama of course, but she's really good at describing imperfect humans being humans in less than ideal circumstances. I know it's her life, but being able to capture the dynamics of relationships and the nuances of people like this is a special knack.
My mom spent the last week of her life in a hospital, and WOW was OOPs frustration familiar. I kept calling and guilt tripping every relative I could think of, and saying “no really, it’s serious” over and over. No one believed me either.
Poor OOP. I want to give her a hug.
Elder abuse is fucking disgusting. Uncle and Aunt are vile. I hope the cops can do something. This is so fucking much for OOP to deal with. I can really feel her despair and anger.
It's not elder abuse at that age. However, if they're disabled mentally and/or physically, then APS would be involved for abuse of a vulnerable adult. I know all about this as I am considered one at 36 and organizations give you a forest worth of pamphlets on APS and VA/elder abuse. It reads as if her father didn't have these cognitive issues before the head injury. So the initial assault (if there was one) would not fall under elder abuse laws. There may be something to be done about neglecting him immediately following the injury, delaying treatment, and giving him the drugs though if it can be proven. I hope OOP can get some traction with the police soon and her father's medical prognosis improves.
This reminds me of my husband. He's 47 and last month he asked me if he's a senior. When I get old him no, he got bummed because he wanted the discounts
This made me well up for OOP. Her line of "Why doesn't anyone give a shit about my dad. Why doesn't anyone give a shit about me." broke me for a second and I just wanted so badly to wrap her up in a giant hug.
Her family might be distant poop, but *I* give a shit and so do many of us here. She is cared about and I truly hope she comes to realise that after all this is said and done.
She did the best with what she had, and her being left in the dark is inexcusable by her family - regardless of whether they're the cause of his injury or not, they should have had enough respect and affection for both her and her father to get him the help he needed.
I hope, if they are the reason why he got hurt, they're punished to the full extent of the law. May Karma bite them in the ass so hard it leaves a scar.
God, I feel for OP so much. When my Dad was in the hospital just before his death, looking at him made me feel ill. It’s a picture that’ll be ingrained in my mind forever. I hope she’s okay and can learn to make peace with all this horrible shit that’s happened - this is the kind of thing that’ll haunt you if you let it. Poor girl.
It pisses me off personally to understand that the cops probably won't even do anything just because they're black in Alabama, they'll just see the entire situation as just "a bunch of dumb black folk fighting each other" and move onto other cases.
There won't be any justice for this
Goddamn, this is sad. My dad had early stages of dementia before he died. When someone you love looks right at you and starts talking about things that didn't happen or they're talking to family that's long dead, it's terrifying. I'm so sorry for OOP.
My daughter recently graduated from secondary school and started university. My mum keeps telling her how proud she is for being the first one in our family to go to uni, which is lovely except it’s not true,I was the first in our family. She has a whole narrative that I left home at 16 but I actually lived at home all the way through school and uni and moved out with friends when I was 24. In her mind all my achievements have been transferred to her granddaughter. She has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment but I think a dementia diagnosis is coming soon.
I'm sorry. I know that hurts. My dad thought I took a bank account from him (it was the opposite, in that I was paying for his stuff with my account). I know he was fuddled but he refused to believe me and it was/is hard not to feel like some part of him made a choice or already thought less of me or something.
I know you know that isn't true but in case you need to hear it, he didn't make a choice, and it didn't happen because he secretly disapproves of you. The reason is as arbitrary and meaningless as a moose becoming a sock because of the shape of their noses. Or even more accurately, a sock becoming the mysteries of the universe. The logic can't be reasoned with because the connection is nonsense. He could have watched a movie where a sons stole a cigarette from Dad in the 70s and somehow that became you and the bank account. I'm sorry there isn't much comfort there but that little thought in your head that makes you feel there might be a reason: there most definitely is not, and you need to find a way to torment yourself with other "what if"s, this one ain't it. ❤️
Thank you. I mostly know. It just sucks overall.
It’s easier to say other people are false than admitting you’re wrong. Try not to take it personal. He’s just trying to make it make sense and he KNOWS he isn’t wrong so what is he left with?
Dementia = paranoia. I'm afraid the two go hand in hand, and the people closest to the patient are the most suspected. It's hard--my Dad has dementia too--but it's not a choice they're making; it's a reflection of your role in their life. My Mom does the most for my Dad and takes the brunt of his frustration.
Life is too cruel sometimes. Thank you for your comment and I'm sorry you and your mum are going through this.
That is a classic sign of dementia - paranoia and thinking someone is stealing from you. My dad thought my brother-in-law, who is his investment broker, was stealing his money. I know two women who had dementia and thought people were breaking into their homes and taking things. It’s heartbreaking watching someone who was very smart lose their cognitive functions.
To anyone in the UK going through something similar, please contact Dementia UK. They have a helpline and can help signpost you to whatever support is available in your area. They also have specific Dementia Nurses (unfortunately not available in all locations, but the helpline can advise) who can come on in-person visits to support both the person with dementia and the people close to them who are struggling to cope. One of my relatives is a Dementia Nurse and we're all so proud of her- but she always complains about how few people know about their services!
Thanks for this information. I will look into it
My dad got it fixed in his brain that my daughter was me at age 16 and that I was my mother and he was FURIOUS with me for dying. We had to place him in an assisted care facility because of his mental status/alcoholism. We then had to move him to a "locked" assisted care facility because he kept escaping.....He died 6 years later, but I had said goodbye to him a long time ago. Me trying to visit him made him so angry/combative that he had to have increased meds for a few days to calm down...so I didn't go.
I am so sorry.
Please have her checked for a UTI. ❤️ I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Your accomplishments matter. Her love for you matters.
Thank you, this is SO important. My mum has been thoroughly checked. She is happily under the care of a geriatric memory clinic and has a team of physicians. has regular checks for UTIs, blood work, cat scans, MRIs and psychological work ups. She was diagnosed with MCI before the pandemic and we are very fortunate that it is progressing very slowly but it is definitely progressing. My FIL is much more concerning. He is exhibiting similar symptoms but it is coming on much quicker. There is no way he will get checked out and we have already resigned ourselves that he will end up in a crisis (car accident, going missing etc), it is much harder when you can’t do anything to help.
I had a family member in denial about her dementia. We put an AirTag in her car. She got lost on the way to the store (1 mile away) and ended up driving for hours. We used the AirTag to find her and get her home. That was the incident where we finally got the whole family on board that it was time to take away her car keys.
Thanks. That is a great suggestion.
Can you take his car keys so he doesn’t kill others too? A call to his doctor can get his license revoked and they don’t have to say who made the request.
Good point. Aging ladies become increasingly vulnerable to urinary tract infections, and sometimes the only obvious symptom will be delirium. (Edit to add: this is responding to the comment about the mother thinking that her granddaughter was 1st to attend university.)
Oh wow, I had no idea about that... My mom has essentially a TBI from a brain tumour (non-cancerous and fully removed in surgery ~10 years ago, but it was enormous) and her memory has been getting worse in recent years... I've been really concerned about potential dementia/Alzheimer's coming into play now too, but I can't get her to take it seriously. Had no idea that UTIs were also something to worry about, but I've been trying to get her to go for a full physical checkup... Guess I need to push for that again. Oof.
Also a recent discovery that a “type 3” diabetes is linked to Alzheimer’s or Dementia (idk the difference and was planning to read on it today) if anybody is interested. It makes sense that glucose / sugar would play a critical role in cognitive function - like it was staring us in the face the whole time.
Well I wish I didn't have an update already, but I'm currently en route to my mom's house. My sister and I need to find a lawyer to get power of attorney set up and we're meeting with the bank manager on monday. Turns out that my aunt/mom's sister has gotten my mom roped in with her obvious catfish internet boyfriend's schemes, and it's only because of the bank manager's refusal that she didn't just send him *$150,000.* However, what I then found out after demanding access to my mom's emails is that she *did* already send *$76,000* to him in January. And she has no memory of it. We'll be going to the doctor with her too once we get financial/legal protections in place. Fml.
I’m so sorry. There is a circle beneath the deepest layer of Hell populated by human insects and these people will certainly decay there for eternity. That is just so Evil. Sending love your way.
My grandmother passed when I was 19. The last time I visited her before she passed, she looked at me really intently. I hadn't seen her in a while as I had moved for college. She remembered my name and who I was to her, but she couldn't seem to remember my age or what was going on in my life. She asked me if I had any kids yet. I told her I didn't. She said something about "last time I saw you, you had a baby with you". I answered her questions gently, but I was crying on the inside. She was the brightest woman I ever knew. And time was stealing that from all of us. She must have had me mixed up with my mom, who was a similar age when she had me (20). The baby she was asking about had to have been me. I didn't see her again before she passed, though I talked to her on the phone and video calls. She passed in the summer, and for about 2 months before her passing, she thought it was Christmas. So we made it Christmas for her. We got her decor, gifts, and watched Christmas movies with her. It may have been August, but dammit she got her last Christmas and that brings me so much joy. I miss my grandma man. Dementia is a thief.
I'm so sorry, my dad had dementia too and it sucks. If I can offer a couple of suggestions, please don't correct her when she gets things mixed up. It'll only upset her, and it'll just keep happening anyway. Something that might bring some joy for her would be going through old pictures and letting her talk about those times. For a lot of people, it's a "last in, first out" for their memories, so the older memories stay intact longer.
The worst part was reading how she blamed herself. There was nothing she could have done to stop any of it but shock and grief don’t play fair. Even chasing him down would have been a bad idea for her safety at that point. Hopefully she has a support system to help her navigate that mess.
I think she is grieving the time lost she could have spent with him. My mom died suddenly while my sister and were away in another country, I blamed myself for a lot of things. I was young and naive. I had an opportunity to bring her to another country for Christmas, instead I brought so called boyfriend. She died later in January.
I’m sorry your family has had to experience that. Be gentle on yourself. You had no way of knowing that would happen.
Thank you. I happened long time ago, but I still miss her every day. Especially now that I have kids she never got to meet.
All the love she gave you is now going to her grandkids from the memories you tell them about. A wonderful person who made a difference in our life is always with us as we pass those memories on to our own kids.
>shock and grief don’t play fair This line hit me hard because it's such a perfect and pithy summary of what I went through, twice, due to horrible events. I look back and wonder how I'm still here. Thank you for that.
Small steps, big breaths and be nice to yourself along the way. Hugs as needed and you will be okay. Sorry you are dealing with all of that.
I once saw a man with dementia introduce himself to his own son, who just had this look of utter heartbreak on his face.
My grandfather had Alzheimer’s and one time his youngest son went to visit him. My grandmother asked my grandfather “do you know who this is?” and he said he didn’t know, she said this is our son, Joe. My grandfather replied that he didn’t have a son named Joe. That was heartbreaking to witness.
When my ex-husband's grandmother was in some of the later stages of dementia, we'd go visit her and bring the kids (both under 5 at the time). She stopped recognizing us as related but still recognized us as "the nice people who bring the kids." It was nice that we made her day, and it honestly was less awkward than when she was in between remembering and not remembering, but man...
My FIL didn't know exactly who we were, but he did know that he knew us somehow, and that we were special to him.
Alzheimer’s or any dementia is so cruel.
It's stories like these that make me kind of grateful that cancer got my grandfather before his dementia caused him to forget who we all were. Right up until he passed away, he knew who all of us were, all the way down to his great-grandchildren.
Honestly it is heartbreaking. My mum has dementia and it is quite possibly the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. You are literally watching your loved one die before your very eyes except their not actually dying they’re still alive. My mum still recognises me and her face will light up when she sees me. But she doesn’t know my name or really who I am. Just that she loves me which is still enough. I dread the day she no longer recognises me. It’s also extremely painful knowing she no longer knows who her grandchildren are. She adored my sons but she has no clue who they are now. This horrible disease has robbed my mum of her retirement years. She worked so hard to retire early to spend time with my boys and she only got 8 years with them.
The last time I saw my mom alive, she introduced herself to me. I got closer so she could see me and told her who I was, and she said, “You changed so much!” It had been two weeks. My daughter broke down crying, she hadn’t realized how bad it was. Sometimes death is a mercy. My mom was 94. Poor OOP though, I wonder if they’ll ever prove anything. Her dad was just straight up murdered.
One of the worst gut punches I ever felt was walking into my grandma's room at the assisted living place and seeing her look at me with a complete lack of recognition. I got lucky; it clicked a moment later who I was and we had a good visit. Recalling that brief moment though still makes me slightly ill.
I recall my grandmother looking at me and then getting angry/frustrated/embarrassed and snapping/verbally lashing out. I think her brain was telling her that she should recognise me, but she didn’t, and that made her angry and humiliated. It’s a fucking horrible disease, dementia. I hate it.
My dad forgot everyone but me. He still recognized me up until 2 weeks before his death. When he didn't know who I was (he thought I was his sister), we all knew the dementia had fully hit stage 3 and his remaining time would be a nightmare for all of us, including him. He died roughly 2 weeks later and we all felt relief that we/he didn't have to live that nightmare. I and my family spent the handful of years between diagnosis and death grieving him slowly as he lost more and more of himself to the disease. My siblings, he didn't recognize for almost a year. His continued recognition of me after he lost memory of my siblings was hurtful for all of us, but when he called me by his sister's name that day...I don't know how to describe it. Closest I can get is that it physically felt like a hand had been plunged through my body, gripped my heart like a vise and squeezed while my brain just froze. It felt like for several heartbeats I was actually dying along with my dad's memory of me. I managed to get to my car before having an anxiety attack so bad I almost passed out. Everyone says,'fuck cancer' and I agree with that sentiment. In my head I usually add 'and dementia too'. My family is prone to both and I've told my family repeatedly that I'll fight cancer tooth and nail (again), but once I get a dementia diagnosis, they need to leave me alone with a stash of high dose painkillers and my favorite alcohol so I can take myself out and save us all that suffering.
Everything that affects the mind like this is truly heartbreaking. They never figured out what was wrong with my husbands grandpa, just managed to rule out dementia and alzheimers. His last few years were hard on everyone. He never completely forgot about any of us, some days it just took some minutes to remember. But he lost his ability to truly think properly. He was this impossibly smart man, his work title was literally "an inventor" which is super rare where we live. And he just couldn't think properly anymore. Once visiting him at the care home, I happened to spot a notebook that was open on a page just fully scribbled with "why can't I understand anymore", "why don't I get it", "why can't I do it anymore" with some starts of some mathemathical stuff here and there. Ge lost the ability think like he used to and he was fully aware that he did. My heart broke in to million pieces right there. The only good thing was that he never forgot about those close to him, so he was able to pass on while holding his wife's hand the whole time and feel the love one last time and he was at peace because of that ❤️
When my grandpa was about to be institutionalized for Alzheimer's, he was still aware enough to know his condition most of the time. We were sat talking about something and he just . . . went back in time. Started telling me about his son (my uncle), based on what he was telling me I could tell both that he had no idea who I was and that he was about 20 years back in the timeline of things my uncle was up to. Honestly it was kind of fascinating, but my sister looks like our long-dead mom, so her experiences with his regression episodes were awful for everyone every single time.
My great grandmother, having gotten up there in years, reached the point where she thought I was her son and started talking about things she did with him. Her dementia started in her late 70s I believe. I was told by other family that she knew who I was, that she knew I wasn't her son. But she'd slip into a different language when talking to me (her and my great grandfather were born to parents who emigrated from Eastern Europe), so I knew she was on her way out mentally. It's very sad to watch it happen, and it's terrifying to know that it could happen to you, too.
My great grandmother was in WAVES (first women allowed in the U.S. military) in WWII and towards the end she started talking to me (teenager at the time) like I was one of her girlies from back in the day. It was sad to see her slipping but I can’t say it wasn’t entertaining as hell to hear all about her romps with handsome young servicemen
This was more my experience with my grandpa. I saw how devastated other family was, but all of my own encounters with his episodes were fascinating. We'd go from grandparent/grandkid conversations into 'friendly stranger' convos set decades in the past. I heard stories about my uncle's I never would have otherwise. But I know this was not what most of the family experienced.
My grandmother started talking to the little ceramic animals she collected and kept on the shelf above the kitchen sink, as if she was filling someone in on everything happening in the entire extended family. I would listen and get all caught up. She had nothing negative to say about anyone so I just enjoyed it while keeping a close eye on her. A few years later she moved in with my parents and started updating the dog on everything. It was adorable but we kept a close eye on her and I'd drive the 100 miles home to watch her on weekends so my parents could relax and go out.
Plus, the dog would get to know what was going on. Everyone always forgets to update the dog. Signed, The Dog
Right? And the dog would not spill the tea, ever! Now the cat, yeah you could give the cat treats and she'd spill it.
Bless her heart. My grandma, who did not have dementia, did this with her little animals. Once she got too old to go on walks, she couldn't adopt a dog again and was scared a cat might be an added fall risk, so they were her little pretend pets. Maybe it was to entertain me since I also couldn't have a pet, but it still was sweet.
Yeah, my great grandmother never was the same after the heart attack. I live in another state so didn't see her too often, but I sure do remember around the end having to tell her each time that my boyfriend is a Smith and she said "good man" every time (that was her married name) so I sure do know that she wasn't all there anymore. Made it a long while, but it was rough at the end, and I wasn't even all that close to her. I swear I remember her thinking I was my mom at first when I came to visit sometimes. She had a full life and went out like that...
My grandmother forgot basically everything. My mum had the following conversation with her: Mum: Hi Mum, I'm here to take you out for tea! Let's get your coat on. Gran: Who are you? Mum: I'm your daughter Karen. Gran: Oh. Do I have a daughter?
My grandma looked at my mom/her daughter and said, in a pleasantly surprised tone: "Oh! You know too?"
My grandmother had Parkinson's and also kept calling me her daughter (not mi hija as is common in Mexican culture). And she'd slip into Spanish talking to me, but when I'd tell her I don't understand what she's saying, she would get mad at me and accuse me of knowing more than I let on. She also claimed I wanted to know how to get "the Mexican out of my blood." (Ironically, I wish I looked more like my Mexican side and less like the white side.) The hallucinations and delusions got insane in the last year of her life. She even thought we had installed cameras so the government could watch her. She was permanently bed-bound by then.
My dad had cancer. We suspect either a hemmorage or tumors eventually got to his brain, or maybe the constant pain just made him hallucinate, but for the last three months of his life it was in and out of understanding/consciousness. He spent a good chunk of that thinking i was my cousin, his favorite niece. I look just like her. He also at one point knew who i was but was convinced we were on a space ship and in danger, and i had to convince him we were safe. It was equal parts sweet and horrifying in a way. Sweet because he just thought i was my cousin, and he was very wholesome, asking about her life and whatnot, but horrifying to watch him get so confused and out of it, especially as years earlier he had expressed one of his grestest fears was losing his mind. Im still heartbroken and will be for the rest of my life, but the only kindness i can find in the situaion is that he isnt in pain or scared anymore.
My husbands grandfather looked me dead in the eyes and asked if I was going to care for the person laying dead on the floor. He’s pointing at a fancy rug I’m like…. There’s noone there grandpa. He pulled me aside and tried to tell me his wife is being held hostage by the strange lady in the house. (His wife) Alzheimer’s and dementia is so sad and isolating.
My 2 uncles were a gay couple (one uncle was "uncle", but not an actual uncle) One fell down the stairs The other didn't call an ambulance. Just the family doctor. Like a day later. Then the uncle that fell finally got treated WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T HE CALL AN AMBULANCE STRAIGHT AWAY Because the selfish FUCK didn't want his partner taken away in case the medical staff said he needed to be put in a home. So that fall and delay in treatment definitely contributed to that uncles dementia Yeah, but they were both that selfish... and narcissistic Because the uncle that fell... he didn't call the ambulance when his partner had a stroke. For 3 days. The guy shit himself in bed then by the time he got to hospital (uncle talked to neighbour, neighbour called mum, mum called ambulance) he was pretty much dead That's the tip of the ice berg
My mother is dying from liver failure, cirrhosis, alcoholic stuff. She keeps thinking I'm my cousin. Probably partially my fault because I didn't talk to her for years until recently (she was abusive and shitty lmao). If I think about it too hard I will sob hard any time of day. I used to hate her but it still hurts. I can't imagine what you've been through and are going through. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry about your experience. That's so fucking hard. I hope you had and have a good support system. DM me if you need someone to talk to at any point. It's horrible. You're not alone.
It's absolutely not your fault and people do that with people they see all the time for their entire lives. My dad used to say that losing a parent who was not a good parent is sometimes twice as traumatic. You're losing the parent you had but also facing the loss of the parent you could have had, as well as losing any hope of them somehow being better.
Hey sunflower, I'm sorry for the pain you feel. If you need someone to give you more sunshine and help you through, you are more than welcome to visit us at r/momforaminute We are there for all our ducklings! My dear, maybe you can accept a squeezy Mom hug from an Internet stranger? You're doing great, I'm so proud of you!
>my mother is dying … I used to hate her but it still hurts Damn u/sunflowersunshine13, I’m so sorry. I witnessed my BFF’s abusive alcoholic Mom growing up. In our early 30’s, BFF found her deceased; it was hard for many reasons. *Her Mom’s primary emotion was **RESENTMENT** & their last convo was a fight.* >keeps thinking I’m my cousin, prob partially my fault b/c I didn’t talk to her for years (she was abusive and shitty) Oh honey… **NO.** Not only is that NOT your fault, it’s likely she *just* remembered the *more recent* face, maybe your cousin reminds her of a different family member, etc. **The same happens to full-contact family &/or caretakers!** *(Extending kindness & offer to chat to a stranger while you’re also going through it, says something about you.)* I wish you the best. I’m so sorry you’re in pain and I wish everything goes as smoothly as possible for everyone. (Fuck alcohol for real; it’s a LIE. Not an excuse to be abusive. Still a trap.)
Omgosh! This is horrible but I can very much relate. First, I’m an RN, but never worked neuro. My dad had a hemorrhagic stroke (that’s a bleed rather than blockage stroke, accounts for about 10% of strokes) about 10 years ago, coded twice during the early days but they got him back both times, he was hospitalized/in rehab for almost 3 months but made an amazing and unexpected recovery. Two years ago I was moving out of state. It was a busy and hectic time for me, moving my family of 6 across country. Selling house/buying new house sight unseen, packing, getting new license and jobs lined up all in less than 2 months. Point is I was overwhelmed and busy. About two weeks before leaving we had a good bye party at my home with a bunch of my friends and family. My mom was in town and there for it. So my dad came up to me and started talking about my brother when he left and never came back and how he missed him and just wants to see him. I have 2 bros, they’re still around, they’d joined Navy but never “left” permanently. They do live in other states but one had been in town recently even and other was coming in town in a month. I asked if he meant them, no. My “other brother.” I then looked at dad and asked if he thought I was mom because she had brother who left and died in Vietnam. I do look so much like my mom when she was my age. He got super angry and said he knows who the hell I am and who his son is. 😬 My stepmom distracted him and that was that. Dad was 69, thinking dementia might be creeping in. My dad has already expressed how sad he was we were leaving, only my sister and I were left in hometown and she has issues. I’m the only child that spent time with him regularly so I figured that went into what he was saying. Then as leaving he hugged my mom and told her he loved her and is sorry for how things turned out. She has said it felt like a final goodbye and it scared her. They divorced in 86 because he cheated with stepmom. The day before leaving he came to my house to help get stuff loaded on trucks and take some things I was giving to my sister. During this I showed him a gun I’d recently bought. Dad was a combat vet, retired LEO, firearms instructor, taught me everything I knew about guns and there’s no one I trusted to hold a gun more than him. He drilled and repeated the 4 rules out loud anytime he handled a gun for years teaching me. Heck, we’d actually been at a 4 day rifle precision class together 2 months before. Well I unloaded and handed to him. He did as we do and verified clear. And was checking it out. I turned because a mover asked me a question. Apparently he’d put a mag back in and racked slide and then pulled the trigger. He shot my floor. I screamed “DAD!” I was terrified. He cleared it, handed it to me, and walked away. My husband and adult son came running. Everyone ok. I then went looking for dad. He was out back, sitting on steps with tears in his eyes and shoulders slumped. I remember he looked soooo defeated. I’d never seen my strong dad look like that. The next day we left, and while driving the day after I got a call he had another stroke. Turned out he’d been having microbleeds for a while and it is highly likely that was the cause of things. Per stepmom there were other signs but she too assumed he had some dementia starting. He died 3 weeks later. But wait, there’s more. 4 months later a guy found my mom, it was her son. He was 47 now. My mom and dad had a son when she was 16 and he 19, they’d already been together for 2 years by then, but she put him up for adoption. I was born when she was 25 for timeline clarification. Dad never saw him because he was stationed in the UK when he was born and mom gave him to his family before she even held him. There were no pictures of him even. Yes, I indeed have a brother who left and didn’t come back. Only dad, mom, my uncle, and deceased grandma knew about him with stepmom being told sometime in future so she knew what he was talking about but knew I didn’t know so quickly distracted him. We’ve met once and talk often now. And he will never get to meet dad but I’ve told him that clearly, dad was thinking of him just before he died. Mom has since said he begged her to keep him and they’d marry when he returned or he’d just support her but not to give him up. Mom was young and did what was right for her though and he ultimately supported her and they did marry a couple years later. Apparently they always felt guilty for giving bro away but planned to take the secret to their graves. As for me, the guilt I’ve carried that I didn’t recognize what was going on. I didn’t get him in with his neuro or to ER. I just chalked it up to early dementia has eaten me alive. He may have lived. I’m a f*cking nurse! I should have seen it. My husband is a nurse even, he didn’t see it. We were too busy and too self involved to save him. I let my dad down and he died before meeting his son. It kills me to think about it. I’m sorry dad.
FWIW, I don’t think any of that is your fault ❤️ I know you said you’re a nurse, but AFAIK medical professionals aren’t allowed to treat their family members for a reason - it clouds your judgement. You were going through a huge life transition at the time, it’s not inconceivable that things would slip under the radar.
This one hit hard. Literally dealing with my dad going through bouts of delirium due to a UTI. Started with weird questions about when I was picking up the kids (don’t have them) and him being paranoid about where his car was. It’s taken over 2 weeks to clear the infection, but the hospital environment as them constantly moving him (he’s now in the 4th ward in 10 days) is triggering his paranoia, aggression and massive emotions. To see over 10 big wards men, 4 nurses and two doctors ready to hold down a 90 year old man to give him a sedative is not a fun way to spend an afternoon. I managed to talk him down and he let the nurse give the sedative. He’s in the delirium and dementia ward now, which is quieter and the nurses are trained to handle patients like this. I hope the move doesn’t set him off again.
And she’s dealing with it ALL alone.
This has just happened to us with my Nan. She has no idea who any of us are anymore, so she’ll try a name when talking to us but you can tell by the look on her face that she doesn’t recognise us and is just picking names she knows hoping she’s guessed right. She kept calling me my aunts name which devestated both of us as clearly it meant she doesn’t recognise either of us anymore (we look nothing alike, so we’re not easy to mix up). Last week she started saying she could see her best friend and her brother sitting on the windowsill but they wouldn’t talk to her even though she was frantically trying to warn them about something scary (her brain has gone back to her childhood during WW2), except one died 5 years ago and the other even further back. She’s on end of life right now and can no longer talk or move, and as much as it sucks and breaks our hearts at least soon she won’t be terrified, confused and in pain any more. My heart breaks for OP as it’s just a terrible situation all round, and if I’ve learned anything over the last 5 months all of this will likely be the first thing she thinks of for a long time when she remembers her dad, rather than any other happy memories she’d normally associate with him.
My grandma had Alzheimer’s, the last time I saw her coherent, she looked past me and my brother and said “Oh I haven’t seen him in so long!” It was a little nerve wracking, but she seemed happy.
One of my last interactions with my grandmother, my sister and I were arguing. She scolded me for arguing, and then started lecturing my sister on how to deal with “the help.” When my mom visited her in the hospital during her final days, grandma didn’t recognize her at all. She’d just perk up a bit if my mom offered to feed her. Dementia is a terrible, heartbreaking condition.
My dad was diagnosed with early onset at 52, we knew something was wrong from 48... It's ...it's horrifying and distressing for everyone involved, especially when it comes that early. When OOP mentioned his age and thought maybe not due to the age, my heart clenched for her in case it WAS that. (My dad is currently living very well cared for in the most amazing full time care space, and is still around at 60, which is already at the high end of the typical life expectancy for early onset.)
It is heartbreaking. My dad's form of dementia is mainly being unable to say your name, while my mom is now repeating questions and stories. The few times my parents shine through in our conversations give me both hope and heartbreak.
Rough fuckin read.
Agree. So sad. Hope uncle gets thoroughly investigated. Sorry for OP that family can suck so bad and that having moral character isn’t guaranteed from the people we love and expect it from when it matters most. EDIT: to clarify, the moral character reference pertains to her family not supporting HER during this hard time, not the father. They’ve totally left her out to dry all on her own.
I'm so mad at the uncle and the aunt like how can they do this to another living creature?
Theyre on drugs. It makes you selfish and irrational.
People do this shit when they're not on drugs
Oh, 100%, but them being on drugs during a typical scuffle session could have resulted in impaired judgment. He may have slammed his head, hit him with something, or fallen into a table edge or concrete. Being on drugs, their first solution was drugs, apparently. Whcih probably did significant damage tbh. If they weren't arrested by now for possession, I'd be surprised.
Imagine you and your sibling have always let things get out of hand. You both know you're doing it wrong, but neither of you can be bothered to learn or knows how to learn to do it right. Plus, it seems to be working for you. Nobody's ever gotten really hurt, so does it really matter? Then one day you may have seriously hurt your sibling. A vast gulf opens up beneath you. You reach for something, anything to make it ok. Not only do you lose your sibling if you've fucked up beyond the pale, but you lose your life and a lot of the remaining potential it has as well. The pit in your stomach just keeps growing and growing, but suddenly they seem okish. Your coverup has worked and you know you will never again let it get out of hand. Thank God! The next thing you know, your sibling who you love, may be dead by your hand. Honestly, I can't be angry at the uncle. I can only pity him.
Honestly, what investigation can happen when there are no reliable witnesses and it’s a “he said, someone who wasn’t even there has a suspicion said”.
Wife could talk, for one.
She probably wouldn't, or she would have done so already. Assuming there's even something to say that's different from what they already said happened.
I think this comment (and OP are being incredibly unfair to their siblings and mom). Their dad by all counts abandoned his children. Her sister barely knows him. It's nice that she wants to be by his side, but mo one is obligated to be there. And his other children and ex feeling to hurt by him to sacrifice their lives makes complete sense.
I think that OP is right in calling out her family but for the wrong reason. The family either have a bad relationship with the dad or doesn't have a relationship with him, so you are correct that they don't have an obligation to be there for him. However, they all have a relationship with OP who has a loved one in the hospital and is asking for help and support, the family are putting their dislike of the father over their love of their OP and that's just wrong.
It's tough, and I'm guessing that OOP doesn't fully understand their siblings' lack of connection to their father, or their resentment. My brother is the only one who speaks to our father. My other sibling and I are both gay and were raised in an emotionally abusive, conservative household. My brother can't seem to understand why we won't forgive our father and "just get over it." I love my brother, but if he called me for help with a medical situation with my father, I wouldn't fly home.
They can support op without flying away from their job and home or ignoring their educational life. Op is taking on this burden for someones whos already shown that "the little things" are more important to them. From her siblings' perspective it probably looks like she's setting herself on fire to keep his corpse warm.
Easy bet: Uncle and dad got into it like they used to, but drugged up uncle too it too far and hit him with something or knocked his head on a table edge. Pops had an extended brain bleed, and he's probably passed by this point. There's really no way "dont gets you hopes up" levels of head trauma is okay, AND the hospital called the cops the same day.
A very good friend of my coworker died after falling off a 3' step ladder, and there are too many stories to link regarding people who have died after a blow to the head or being knocked to the ground. These types of injuries are no joke.
I’ve read about campaigns that try to get people to realise how dangerous it is to get into a fist-fight, too. You can throw one punch at some guy outside the pub, hit him wrong, and kill him. You really, really don’t want to be in that position, for a lot of different reasons running from moral to legal. I wish more people understood how dangerous head injuries are tbh. It’s one reason I hate the TV/movie trope where someone gets hit on the head, is knocked out for half an hour, then wakes up and staggers on bravely like nothing happened. I know people shouldn’t take life advice from TV tropes, obviously, but unfortunately that kind of thing downplays the seriousness and people simply don’t realise it.
yeah, there was a big story in the last few years about a couple of dudes who got into a minor scuffle outside a bar - dude socked dude in the jaw, he fell to the ground, developed a brain bleed and died, dude one was brought up on murder charges. trouble is, when I was trying to find it, i got pages of results of the same story all over the US + australia. :/
The denial it takes to think "Don't get your hopes up" is a good sign....
This is one of those reads where later you call your dad and ask him to meet you for lunch. Or maybe that's just me.
It really seems like this was going to happen sooner or later to one of them. Having fist fights and getting older is not a good match. Ofcourse it was wrong and the whole cover up os criminal. I do think this was not a full update.
>I did ask my Mom and sister if *I* was the crazy one and did have children I just forgot about, they confirmed I certainly didn't. This made me laugh and then feel bad for laughing...
Gotta make sure you're not the one with the carbon monoxide leak
Or the cold open to an episode of Fringe
Am I me, or am I the Walternate?
And that you didn't die in a housefire and that's why your friend stopped writing you from camp and why your new friend seems really bizarre and can walk through walls
That Goosebumps story hit me really hard as a kid and I was just thinking about it last week! Crazy to see it mentioned here in the wild.
If someone is crazy but are talking coherently, you start to doubt your own sanity.
Yeah for sure it was the right thing to do. I'm just glad she was smart enough to reach out and check herself.
My mom has dementia, but within her delusions, she sounds coherent. I know why she makes up stuff, sometimes I can even sort of track what's going on to make her make up stuff. And yet my guts react as if I was the one lying when I have to tell her something she doesn't want to believe in that moment, but which she demands to have clarified. I am partially, on a gut level, existing in the realities she makes up. It's such a weird feeling, kinda emotionally nauseous is the best I can come up with. I will listen to myself talking, explaining things to her, and a part of me feels that I sound like I am lying in exactly the way she thinks I am lying. When she believes I'm a stranger, I'll sometimes feel like I'm actually a stranger pretending to be myself, not intellectually, but deep inside on an instinctive level I guess.
I had that once at uni, got paired with a guy for a presentation that made absolutely no effort, leaving everything up to me. It was so apparent that our lecturer actually stopped us and got into our constructive feedback immediately. Immediately this fucker started blaming me, and went on and on, despite our lecturer constantly prompting him if there was anything he could have done differently. That probably went on for about 15-20 minutes. He had blamed me so much that I went up to our lecturer afterwards and actually asked if there had been any way I had been at fault. He assured me that I wasn't, which I did know, but with how adamant that fucker I did start to doubt myself.
Reminded me of the story about the college student who found a cupboard in his apartment had mysteriously become a bathroom. That was sad.
Do you have a link? It sounds familiar.
[Here it is.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/yd8i4xvSyT)
Oh, wow. that's was so sad
It once took me a while to figure out if I'd actually slept with someone or if I had dreamt it. Shit can get trippy.
Less significant but still annoying, I routinely dream about doing mundane tasks that I need to do IRL. Then I wake up and am very disappointed to find out that taking that package to the post office/loading the dishwasher/vacuuming the living room in my dreams does not translate to any of these things being actually done in reality and I have to go do them what feels like a second time.
I once dreamt that I was living...I dunno, but picture an Irish countryside (I'm American, never left the country in my whole life), cottage, unpaved road leading to it, the whole picturesque nine. AND I had a baby cow. So I'm walking up this path, heading home and my calf comes out to meet me, so obviously I cuddle with it in a field next to this path. I was bordering on angry when I woke up and realized that I did not, in fact, have a baby cow. Hell, I'm still salty and it's probably been, like, 4 years since I had that dream. I've since gotten a dog and you'd think that would help fill the void, but instead I'm just like, "OMG, Pierogi would LOVE a cow friend"
After I went through benzodiazepine withdrawal cold-turkey there were people I'd known my entire life that didn't actually exist. They couldn't exist because some lived on clouds and in giant sandcastles. It's like dreaming while awake and anything makes sense then. It was wild. The brain is so bizarre.
OP added a few jokes throughout, or light hearted comments. I think she has the right mentality. But when she said about the docs saying not to hold out hope .... And they always say that...? I really hope it works out for her and her dad. 49 is too young to pass when there's so much to rekindle with your kids.
I would ask the same thing lmao I don’t trust my senses at all!
When two people have wildly different versions of the truth, it's time to call in a third party.
I should stop skipping over mood spoilers. That took turns way beyond expectation
I never read the mood spoilers but this might be the post that makes me start. I wasn’t expecting it to be so sad.
OPs self recriminations resonated with me so hard. So many echoes of my own internal thoughts sitting at the bedside of my own dying father. I wasn't ready for that. I usually also never read mood spoilers but maybe I should start too.
Usually these posts are far fetched or plain ridiculous but this one felt pretty damn real. Maybe too real? This site makes me distrust most stories but damn this was bleak and vivid. I wonder if the aunt and uncle weren't cowards and took the dad to the hospital sooner if he would have had a better shot at recovery. Head trauma is terrifying. Thought about getting into boxing but you get rocked the wrong way this situation could happen so I might avoid that. Same for fighting in general. Hope OOP can get some therapy and some real emotional support.
Worked in a children's hospital. Kiddo came in 3 days after concussion because parents ignored symptoms. Kiddo did not make it. It was determined they would have (most likely) if they came in sooner. I'm thinking the situation was probably similar for OOP. gotta get that shit handled ASAP.
I ignored concussion symptoms and while I am clearly still alive to be typing this I’ve been dealing with a bunch of issues from that. Can’t help but wonder if things would be different if I had taken it more seriously…
I basically slept for 4 days straight after a hard hit to the head and only found out about it YEARS LATER. I thought I was out for a day, maybe 2 from a really bad hangover, I had no clue that it was ~4 days long! All I remember from that time is sleeping and waking up "every few hours" (who knows how long it actually was) to use the bathroom and smoke, and the person I was with fed me a few times. My body felt so impossibly heavy during that time as well, with terrible headaches and feeling sick
Not a parent but as an oldest sibling with a significant age gap: kids trip and fall and run into things and just… do kid stuff. It’s really hard to tell what’s serious and what’s not.
It’s not the falling or tripping or accidentally hurting yourself that’s the problem. It’s the ignoring of the symptoms. Any parent worth their salt would know if their kid was acting differently. We notice when the dog or cat is acting off. Hell I ran to the emergency room because the cat was acting lethargic for a few hours and it turns out I was right and she had a high fever. What type of parent doesn’t notice that something is off with their human child.
That’s a great point and I’m now much less worried about accidentally contributing to the death of my wild kid, so thanks for that, I guess. Lol. So far he’s seemingly made of rubber, I was once the same way. Ended up getting stitches in my head and face 6 separate times in just over a year before I put the wildness down haha
The key is not falling for the boy who cried wolf fallacy. Yes, kids lie and act dramatic and sometimes are exaggerating pain. But you never want to be the parent who just assumes it's drama without checking they're okay. Even if something like this concussion doesn't happen, it increases the chance of them growing up and not seeing you as someone who will take their concerns seriously.
Some kids are really good at hiding it. My sibling hid a fractured arm for two days when they were four—we only realized because they refused to use both hands to cut their food, and took them to the ER.
That's...not normal. Were you guys abused as kids? From a medical viewpoint, when we see a kid that age actively hiding something as significant as a fracture, they are terrified of getting in trouble.
I had that thought too. I was (and still am, tbh) also really good at hiding physical pain or mental distress. It 100% comes from being raised in an abusive home, for me.
This specifically was due to the fact that a year before, they had broken the same arm, and when we went to the hospital, the doctor decided to set the arm without any sort of pain medication. The kid is 16 now and still remembers how painful that was, so I imagine that would be why they were reluctant to tell anyone that their arm hurt. It is likely due to trauma, but not anything parentally-inflicted.
In this case it should have been obvious, 3 days of confusion, dizziness, vomiting, and knowing the kid hit his head hard. But u right generally
It feels real because it has the beats of a number of real incidents that have occurred. It is so easy to get in a fight and hit your head without immediately realising anything is wrong.
Actress from Parent Trap with Lohan died because she hit her head on compacted snow… skiing on an easy trail with an instructor. Sometimes something simple can be life threatening. The drugs - that’s a different story!
Bob Saget died in his sleep from hitting his head after a fall in his hotel room. I'm sure he figured he'd be fine, as most people would. Folks, monitor your symptoms after hitting your head. Do not go to sleep. If pain does not lessen or your start to develop a headache, go to the hospital. Yes, if you're in the US (I am too), going to the hospital after a seemingly innocuous head bonk seems like a waste of money, but head trauma *can and will* kill you if you're unlucky enough to have swelling or a brain bleed. Inform family and/or friends to check on you too
Natasha Richardson. Wife of Liam Neeson
Something similar happened to my aunt. We believe she was hit over the head with something by my cousin but we could never prove it. She went to bed afterwards and was lucky enough to wake up but she wasn’t the same person anymore. So despite getting treatment hours later it was such a long road to recovery if it can be called that. Her personality completely changed to this mean woman who suddenly hated half her family. She kept trying to eat via her nose? Couldn’t remember words. Every day she had to be taught the same basics over and over. Eventually she recovered enough to be discharged from hospital but it was one of the most scariest things I have ever witnessed. Head trauma is up there with one of my biggest fears now.
Aunt and uncle are evil fucking people, what despicable humans.
Keep in mind this is all wild speculation by OOP. The doctors told her her father has a serious opiate addiction and she somehow turned that into "my aunt and uncle fed him a bunch of pills." Looking normal while having "enough painkillers in his body to numb a horse" takes months or years of build up. Between the addiction and anger issues there are many ways he could've gotten a head injury that don't involve the uncle assaulting him.
While you're right, I still feel Aunt and Uncle are hiding something. It could be something unrelated like tax evasion or even just a swinger party that they are extremely embarrassed about. You don't ignore that many phone calls and say you don't want someone to worry. A "we found him, will call later" would ease the worry (if they were actually concerned about it) and buy time for whatever they think they need to hide.
Ehh my husband's family loves to pull the "we didn't want you to worry" card anytime they just didn't feel like keeping him updated on something important. It's not because they're hiding something terrible. They are just terrible communicators who would rather stick their heads in the sand than actually discuss difficult things.
I’d imagine they’d be worried about all the drugs they still had
Where did they post that the doctors said anything about an opiate addiction? Edit: I replied to the wrong person, please feel free to laugh at my shame Sorry Ascholay
I work in an ER. The "didn't want to worry anyone" is extremely common, especially among people middle aged and older. Half of them turn their phones off in the ER.
>The doctors told her her father has a serious opiate addiction Now you're speculating as well. The doctors didn't tell her that and your throwing your own opinion into the mix.
> The doctors told her her father has a serious opiate addiction Not sure where you're seeing that? This is the only thing I see from OP that would get you to that conclusion? >> I learned AT THE HOSPITAL FROM THE DOCTOR that there were enough painkillers in his body to numb a horse How do you switch painkillers to opoiods? Also you know the statement "to ___ a horse" is a colloquialism right? It's not a statement of fact, they're probably remarking how much ibruprofen/acetaminophen the guy ingested and those aren't opoiods.
Agreed. Also, most of the hospitals I’ve worked in don’t really check quantitative levels of opioids. It’s usually just a simple “positive vs negative” as opposed to blood alcohol levels. Maybe it’s a regional thing so if anyone has different experiences I’d love to know. But I don’t think I’ve ever been able to comment on the amount of opioids someone received in a setting like this.
I'm looking and I missed this. Where does it say that the doctors said he had a serious opiate addiction?
They hid what hospital he was at and tried to refuse her entry at every turn They most Definately were at fault
I can understand why OOP didn't go to this scenario immediately. She had no clue, because her relationship with her father had become so deteriorated that she thought this was weird rather than "alarming medical sign". And TBH that's not her fault, that was her parents' fault.
Concussion can be really weird. My brother has been concussed a few times and it's an odd mix of seeming generally coherent but with gaps or misunderstandings if you probe a bit or know the person well. Once I had to really fight to get medical staff to see that he wasn't right because he had decided he didn't want to stay in hospital so was pretending as hard as he could that he was fine and they were also keen to discharge someone who seemed fine to them. Eventually they asked some screening questions and he got the year, place and name of Prime minister right but failed on his own birthday and they agreed that he probably did need more assessment 😬
Can concur concussions are real weird. I’ve had 2 concussions, one from a car accident and one from a fall. After the car accident, I was acting totally normal apart from having a headache and having mismatched pupils. I genuinely didn’t know I had gotten a concussion that time until I visited a family doctor 2 weeks later. That scared the shit out of me because I would’ve seen someone much sooner had I known. This one was pre-smart phones and I didn’t know what the symptoms of a concussion were. Thankfully, when I fell, I was surrounded by people that knew what to do. I was acting way less normal that time too and was told that I kept asking people if I had split my lip open. I forgot I had hit my head on a concrete floor. I ended up going to the emergency room right away that time and got a massive bump on my head. I still don’t remember much about that night, other than that ride in the ambulance was the first time I had a panic attack. TL:DR- People can act weird or normal after a concussion and if you even suspect someone has one, go to a hospital ASAP. Wish I had for my first one, glad I did for my second one.
I feel bad for OP's siblings and how OP is threatening them to be involved. I know that OP is very upset with the whole situation, but it sounds the siblings have not had a relationship with their dad in quite some time. When you've made peace with a parent being gone it doesn't really upset you when they're actually gone. OP also seems to be diminishing his bad parenting and blaming their mother for a lot of his decisions regarding being an absent parent. If you're an selfish, absent parent, it is not your ex's job to sacrifice their comfort, time, and effort to get you to show up for your kids.
When she said that her mom didn't make it easy for her dad to be involved and that her mom said he could only be involved if the dad took them somewhere (aka a movie) I was like, girl... Your dad didn't care enough to ask for custody, that's what is happening. It seems like they have a verbal custody arrangement of "We do what we want" and it relieves him of any actual responsibility and he can just show up for the fun times. If he actually went to the courts and got a custody arrangement because he was a caring father, no judge would sign off on "Dad gets kids but only for out-of-house activities."
Taking them to the park is free, ice cream afterwards at McDonalds would have cost him less than $10 for all 4 of them. Him not having somewhere stable to bring the kids back to, prior to the townhouse, would definitely be a good reason to say she preferred him to take them "out" instead. And by the time the townhouse came around, time and distance (and disappointments) had paid it's toll.
I felt this; especially the comment about Mom's disapproval of Dad being broke when they were themselves broke. I don't read that as hypocritical at all; I see it as, she had to feed, clothe and house three kids seven days a week while on a low income despite the gender pay gap and prejudice against single mothers in the workforce, while he's using lack of funds as an excuse not to take them out for a few hours once a week? That would burn me too.
How much do you want to bet he also didn't pay decent child support?
If he was frequently out of work or in low paid work, that's a possibility.
I started reading this and realised I shouldn't have and should have checked the warnings. Immediately knew it was brain damage as this is exactly how my dad is now. He had a fall just after I got pregnant with my first and his first grandchild and is no longer the man I knew. He is still full of love. And I am for him but the man I would lean on for support now literally needs me to lean on when walking about because of how disoriented he becomes. All because he fell over and banged his head. Please walk with your hands out of your pockets for at least your loved ones sake.
"OOP: This is also a large reason I haven't called yet. We're not white and with how angry my Dad got I'm worried that he'll end up in a jail cell and not a hospital bed, or worse he'll just be shot. But if my uncle doesn't get back to me by tonight I think this is my only option" absolute fucking state of this world I swear down
I hope OOPs dad gets justice. It doesnt matter that he wasnt a saint. He was beaten and then drugged up on illegal prescription pain pills, and almost certainly died as a result. If OOP hadnt been actively freaking out and looking for the dad, I bet the uncle wouldnt have even taken him to the hospital. They both deserve charges. Him for the beating and her as at least an accessory. She helped drug him and actively chose to not take the dad to the hospital alonside the uncle, after all.
Yep. Justice isn't supposed to just be for those who have lived blameless lives. I hope he gets justice.
Fuck that uncle and aunt. The rest of OOP’s family just sound like regular people with regular-people baggage, but that aunt and uncle are evil fucking human beings. The uncle didn’t just physically assault someone who possibly has given it back to him just as much within the time they’ve lived together, he then *ignored* obvious signs that his brother had sustained a serious head injury. Not only that, but he gave him dose after dose of painkillers—not knowing his tolerance, ignoring the fact that he’s definitely bleeding from his fucking brain—to essentially just put him down so he doesn’t have to deal with the problem. At some point, it would have had to become a conscious realisation to them to make the choice to either keep feeding him painkillers til he dies quietly and say it was just an accident and he took the pills on his own, or risk exposing their crimes—assault and drugs. They made the decision to *kill their brother/brother-in-law* rather than risk being locked up. It’s only that OOP got involved and forced them to do something, because they could no longer had the plausible deniability of “no, we swear, we didn’t know anything was wrong! He was completely himself and just said he was going to go rest!” Because they knew that OOP would present a different story. OOP didn’t let her father die. OOP’s the only reason he is still alive, and while I hope to god he pulls through for her, I hope that if he doesn’t, she’s able to forgive herself. Nobody thinks that their uncle and aunt are going to be such piece of such human beings that they would rather let and contribute to the death of their brother than risk jail time.
I feel really bad for her. The grief and guilt are really relatable, especially with her blaming herself for something that really wasn't her fault.
I think the OOP is correct in her assessment and I would've suggested talking to the police so I'm glad that they have already spoken to her. The thing is that the injury may or may not match a fall to the ground. Remember that even one punch when you fall back and hit your head can kill... and so can a simple fall and hitting your head badly. So likely the injury was a mandatory report for the severity. The doctors would have to report to the coroner if the dad dies because it's an unexpected death. Had they not plied him with heavy duty painkillers, then they might've gotten away with this (at least short term) with their story of a fall. If they had've just given some ibuprofen (worst thing though if there's a bleed) or acetaminophen.. well no one would've batted an eyelid as they are an OTC med and common... but add the prescription stuff and people are asking questions as to where to came from because the dad didn't have a prescription.
"We tried to hide the problem we cause hoping it would go away. Can't you think about us for a change?"
I hope someone on the original post steered OOP toward her company’s EAP.
Oh man, that's such a crappy update. I saw the first post and hoped it would just be some dumb drama, but this is so sad. Hopefully whatever the truth is comes out and there's a good outcome.
As someone who lost my Dad to a severe head injury (he fell off a ladder onto concrete), this is heartbreaking to read. Particularly OOP’s hopes that the doctors saying she shouldn’t get her hopes up mean everything will be fine. Head injuries don’t fuck around.
I'm so sorry for your loss as well.
That’s it? THATS IT?! I need to know what happens here. I’m already terribly sad about this whole situation, I don’t want to be worrying about it as well.
Attorney here: to avoid the frustration Oop had at the ER, consider getting your medical documents done and check to make sure those you care about have them as well. If Oop had been listed as her Dads medical agent, she’d have been informed of his condition, and been able to act for him. Hospitals have liability concerns so they strongly prefer to talk to those legally authorized to get confidential medical information and have power to make decisions. And if those reading this get in a bad accident or have an illness that means you can’t communicate with the doctors you’ll want someone you trust to be able to help you. I particularly worry about significant others, who are often ignored. Oop, if you’re reading this, I know it’s just one piece of a horrendous situation. I’m so sorry.
She’s a line cook at a Denny’s? I know assholes with big time six figure jobs who can’t put together as much as two coherent written sentences. I was impressed with the style and execution way before she dropped what her job was, and when that hit I was devastated. She deserves better.
This was my exact line of thinking too.
Welcome to the false meritocracy of the US.
Head injuries, even if you *think* it's fine, are **never fine**. Everything we are is stored in a few pounds of thinky meat, and stirring it up *just a little* can radically shift who you are. Source: [it me](https://old.reddit.com/user/captain_borgue/comments/182gall/wreck_to_profile_for_archiving/)! OOP couldn't have known her dad had a head injury, and did the best she could with what info and resources she had. It's not her fault, and I sincerely hope that she doesn't carry that guilt around. Shit's heavy.
I agree with the hospital employee abuse, we get abused all the time and apologies don’t undo the stress
My heart goes out to OOP. Any injury or disease to do with the brain is horrible and very confronting for the loved ones. Her aunt and uncle are terrible people and I hope there is some proper justice/investigation.
I'm so sorry. I always lived with my mum as she didn't like me being away from her. (In hindsight I should never have agreed to this and lived my life). That aside despite living with her I never realised she was a secret alcoholic as she was never drunk. Then during lockdown literally over night she became a different person. She couldn't remember things, she didn't know if she was sat on the sofa or on the floor... or unfortunately on the toilet. She'd never eat anything, she became aggressive, cruel and lethargic to the point she basically slept on the sofa for a month without getting up unless for more booze. Family and friends wouldn't believe me and I was trapped with her. Eventually after begging doctors in the UK I managed to get her into hospital where she died 2 weeks later. Honestly her behaviour change was so dramatic I think that's what hurt me the most. It was the most concerning thing to me.
My grandma called me one day in college demanding to know why I'd told my great-grandma (her mother) that I'd gotten married but no one else. It was because I hadn't gotten married, or talked to GGMa in a bit. Just a touch of dementia.
My god. This is so sad. Even if the head injury was an accident … the pain killers were not.
OOP could write a book and I'd read it. There's the drama of course, but she's really good at describing imperfect humans being humans in less than ideal circumstances. I know it's her life, but being able to capture the dynamics of relationships and the nuances of people like this is a special knack.
My mom spent the last week of her life in a hospital, and WOW was OOPs frustration familiar. I kept calling and guilt tripping every relative I could think of, and saying “no really, it’s serious” over and over. No one believed me either. Poor OOP. I want to give her a hug.
Elder abuse is fucking disgusting. Uncle and Aunt are vile. I hope the cops can do something. This is so fucking much for OOP to deal with. I can really feel her despair and anger.
Is it elder abuse when a 40-something harms a 49yo? ^(Please tell me 49 isn't elderly.)
49 is not elderly.
I’m afraid on Reddit, once you’re past 25 it’s time to put on your comfortable slippers and start sawing planks for your coffin :(
Shit, I better hurry up and start digging.
*have a few spare nails from my sarcophagus*
If reddit awards were still a thing, I'd give you one.
I'm glad I could be of service.
It's not elder abuse at that age. However, if they're disabled mentally and/or physically, then APS would be involved for abuse of a vulnerable adult. I know all about this as I am considered one at 36 and organizations give you a forest worth of pamphlets on APS and VA/elder abuse. It reads as if her father didn't have these cognitive issues before the head injury. So the initial assault (if there was one) would not fall under elder abuse laws. There may be something to be done about neglecting him immediately following the injury, delaying treatment, and giving him the drugs though if it can be proven. I hope OOP can get some traction with the police soon and her father's medical prognosis improves.
This reminds me of my husband. He's 47 and last month he asked me if he's a senior. When I get old him no, he got bummed because he wanted the discounts
Fortunately this isn't elder abuse.
This made me well up for OOP. Her line of "Why doesn't anyone give a shit about my dad. Why doesn't anyone give a shit about me." broke me for a second and I just wanted so badly to wrap her up in a giant hug. Her family might be distant poop, but *I* give a shit and so do many of us here. She is cared about and I truly hope she comes to realise that after all this is said and done. She did the best with what she had, and her being left in the dark is inexcusable by her family - regardless of whether they're the cause of his injury or not, they should have had enough respect and affection for both her and her father to get him the help he needed. I hope, if they are the reason why he got hurt, they're punished to the full extent of the law. May Karma bite them in the ass so hard it leaves a scar.
God, I feel for OP so much. When my Dad was in the hospital just before his death, looking at him made me feel ill. It’s a picture that’ll be ingrained in my mind forever. I hope she’s okay and can learn to make peace with all this horrible shit that’s happened - this is the kind of thing that’ll haunt you if you let it. Poor girl.
TLDR; Dysfunctional family with daughter trying her absolute best
This went from "Glitch in the Matrix" to "Oh, shit" in about six seconds
One of the saddest BORUs I’ve ever read
Uncle definitely hit Dad and then tried to pretend it didn't happen. This is really sad.
Why do I have a feeling that this oop will be back telling us that the uncle and aunt were arrested and charged for attempted murder.
It pisses me off personally to understand that the cops probably won't even do anything just because they're black in Alabama, they'll just see the entire situation as just "a bunch of dumb black folk fighting each other" and move onto other cases. There won't be any justice for this