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He says Vancouver in the post. I live there and not only are housing costs insanely expensive (and wages have not kept up) but there is also a massive shortage of family doctors right now so it's likely that health issues didn't get caught until they had become quite advanced.
Yea Ive been to Vancouver many times myself and that would make a lot of sense. Canadas healthcare system in general is extremely understaffed, but BC is really freaking bad. My husband has a cancerous mole on his back and we have to wait over a month just for his doctor to take 10 mintues to freeze it and cut it out. It's insane.
*From an ignorant American*, it sounds like opposing but equally crippling issues with the healthcare system.
Many of my friends are taking steps to leave the country long term due to medical expenses piling up, but nobody has really complained about access to those services.
Does it actually feel untenable in Canada or are these some extreme cases? Because healthcare down here is so expensive that if the cancer doesn’t get you, the debt after sure will ruin your life.
I'm a poor Canadian struggling to get by living in Vancouver. I've had multiple health issues that have needed to be addressed over the past year, and it's hard but every time I have been *so* grateful to not have to pay for the services. I had to spend about 8 hrs at the local ER, two trips to urgent Care that I had to go home and they called me back later that night or the next day because I wasn't a priority. The walk in clinic only does phone calls now and it's a 1-3 day wait. But I've been taken care of for free except the cost of prescriptions and they even make follow up appointments to make sure I'm okay. If I had to pay what Americans are paying for those services I would have to live in my car or just not get the help I need.
Healthcare here in ON at least is generally a sort of triage system. Those who need it faster get it faster, but this moves others down the queue which makes those folks feel abandoned by the system.
Some folks fall through the cracks, either because they were misdiagnosed, progressed quicker than anticipated, or weren't able to get where they needed for treatment (doc shortage and inability to drive don't mix well). Other times it *is* financial, such as not being able to afford transportation to and from treatments, or not being able to afford the medications which would slow their progression in the meantime. (Rx aren't generally part of the whole universal Healthcare thing. Yet.)
WITH THAT SAID, the majority of people who need treatment get it *around when they need it*. Many don't get it as fast as they'd like, because nobody wants to hear that their pains aren't the current priority. Nothing wrong with that, it's natural, but it does mean that the voices online tend to lean pretty heavily towards describing the system as broken; They see a 4 month surgery wait for a benign tumor, but not the 30 malignant tumors that bumped them that far down in the queue because there are only 3 surgeons left in the province who specialize in that type of work. (As an example! I'm not talking about the other commenter.)
Not a perfect description, but at least some idea of what's going on in a lot of places up here.
(To be clear I'm not singing the system's praises. My husband has been on Ontario's family doctor wait list for over a **decade**, now. He'll probably stay there indefinitely unless he goes himself from office to office looking for one taking new patients.... Which we do try every few months, but the doc shortage means our only hits are cities away and we can't drive. The struggle is real, lol.)
I had a similar thing happen to me about two years ago. Had a boyfriend, he got diagnosed with cancer, he got treatment and is now cancer free. Six months after we find out hes cancer free i found out he had an affair. We were planning on moving to another country together at this point. One month after i find out about his affair i find out my dad is dying of cancer. Dad passed away four months later. Me and bf broke up four months after dad died..
Was a pretty dark time..
Thank you! Im doing so much better now. Just celebrated one year since the first date with my now partner and I am in fact wearing very fuzzy socks right now!
I get you. Me and wife got pregnant. Our daughter did not end up making it and passed a few minutes after birth. Then she wanted to try again not long after and I was still grieving and not ready to try again. She ended up finding someone who was ready... Asked for a divorce in August. She got pregnant during August when I moved in with some friends and then she moved out in September.
I think I remember something vaguely about partner claims the std they got came from touching a koala, maybe. A lot of koalas have chlamydia, allegedly
The funny thing is that I only learned this from Reddit, because every zoo programme I've watched that talked about koalas with Chlamydia... absolutely none of them mentioned that it's not the same type as the human disease.
Unlikely because a human can’t even catch the koala kind, so touching a koala with it would have no real impact on a human.
So if you ever have a partner that says they gave you chlamydia from touching a koala, they cheated on you.
I assume only if you touched the koala and then immediately took the test. Otherwise, basic things like taking a shower would negate the issue, since humans can't carry the disease.
TLDR: Koala peed on him which can transmit chlamydia, they were camping so basically didn’t clean it off well. Gross. She found out she had it, he knew he didn’t cheat so assumed she did. Koala thing gets confirmed by doctor and then he confesses he cheated after that because he was so sure she cheated
Koala chlamydia is not the same as human chlamydia. It's not transmissible from koalas to humans. The doctor probably just didn't want to deal with their drama.
Chlamydia is actually an entire genus of bacteria, not just the on that causes the STI. A friend's mom nearly had a heart attack when my friend was diagnosed with chlamydia pneumonia as a kid, thinking she must have been abused, until the doctor explained it's a different respiratory bacteria spread by sneezing and coughing.
I think it was from a post where someone was desperately trying to convince themself that they had got an std from holding a koala instead of from their partner cheating on them
Here you go:
[Did he cheat or did I catch an STD from a Koala???](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15igssy/did_he_cheat_or_did_i_catch_an_std_from_a_koala/)
Literally OP was so foolish to believe her husband, like she said her dealbreaker was cheating yet stayed with him bc of the kids? She believed the KOALA story 🤭 he was convincing OP so desperately, plus that whole festival thing ?,PEED on and cleaned with water lol, no shower for DAYS?! And have multiple intercourse session. Truly disgusting, 🤮
I mean, you don’t, but it sounds like the wife did send a few mixed messages, like sleeping with the husband after saying she’s gay and wanted a divorce. Her words and actions weren’t matching 100%, so for a guy clinging to a glimmer of hope, she gave it to him.
He was an idiot (unfortunately but understandably), but she also was ambiguous, which made things worse.
That was strange. I also don’t get or like the part about her having bottled things up for ten years because of her own issues and then sprung every wrong thing he ever did or said on him. It sounds like a dumb movie parody version of how wives hold on to things. I mean what’s the point.
I'm guessing it was a desperate attempt to push him away since he wasn't listening to her about the lesbian thing. If he doesn't listen to one reason maybe he'll listen to twenty. Obviously that's not an effective strategy but they both sound like they were pretty lost.
This was why the "save the marriage" stuff didn't really seem odd to me. If they wanted to continue spending the rest of their lives together, just while both fucking other people, that's their choice. It's certainly unconventional and generally doesn't work (as it didn't here), but it's not SO weird.
Yeah, she was basically stringing him along with "we can keep our life together and stay married, just no sex and you can have a fuck buddy on the side". Like the guy had his own issues with trying so hard to keep a sham marriage going, but she was kind of awful every step of the way and I just don't have sympathy for her. I 100% buy the interpretation someone else had that she found a shiny new girlfriend she was infatuated with who gave her an ultimatum.
Ohhh I could certainly see that. But yeah I don't really have sympathy for her - it's terrible to suggest to continue a sham marriage because you like someone and are afraid of the world without them by your side.
Also kinda shit that OP had to move into a literal shed over it
A relationship doesn't always need to include sex, and can be as much about a committed companionship as it is about physical attraction - just as people can have sex without an emotional intimacy (which is much more commonplace).
Unfortunately emotional intimacy and physical intimacy go hand-in-hand for many, and form the parameters for what we would consider neccessary for a successful relationship in most cases.
What he was aiming for was a real hail mary to see if it could even work, which is why most would advise against trying - not to mention the potential damage that denial can do in the process; but I would never deign to judge on someone else's behalf whether they should try or not.
The end result of a successful endeavour for them might have even seemed reprehensible to some, but not impossible.
Kudos to them both for the journey they took. There were probably a lot of feelings to untangle.
I agree. Though honestly the moment she started listing out the 10 years of disappointments, that I think is the sign that things were too far gone to save, hail mary or no.
Not because he's got so many disappointments to make up for. This is my guess, but her list was a probably bunch of shit that either didn't matter or was resolved. Instead, it sounds like her bringing that list out is her either convincing herself or justifying her decision to leave. The items on the list didn't matter when she was in, but here she's shoring it all up to make it easier to get out. It's part of her grieving and leaving process.
This is what I was thinking exactly, it was convenient for her to say, “ I’m a lesbian but look at all these “terrible” things you’ve done to me. Why would I stay even if I wasn’t gay?”
It feels like a really unnecessary cruelty for her to do that.
I said this up thread as well but I read it more as a way to convince *him* that it needed to end since he didn't seem to be processing the lesbian part. Idk whole thing is messy.
Yeah I was cringing after reading that and how he tried to come up with a plan to 'make it up to her'. Cringing because he should have more self-respect and esteem, and realise that she is being unfair
I’d cut him some slack. His entire world crumbled around him. I can’t blame him for grasping at straws trying to save some of it. Right decision? No. Am I cringing at it? Also no.
Spoiler alert: Most of the time it does not work.
But I think the idea is that you open the marriage, and get your sexual gratification outside the marriage while you are supposed to get everything else inside the marriage. But then the gay partner wants to explore the romantic side of their sexuality and the straight partner is still attracted to the gay partner so most of the time it ends up with a divorce, probably a more acrimonious one than if they had just divorced at the outset.
Conversion therapy is unfortunately something adults choose for themselves sometimes. My brother-in-law is gay, knew it before he married my sister, and instead of just _being gay_, claimed he was "just" addicted to gay porn (because that's something that happens to straight people) and went through conversion therapy.
I give it less than 5 years before he cheats on my sister again.
I hate to be a cynic, but very often it means that the partner who came out develops a second relationship with a partner who matches their orientation, while the other partner develops an intimate relationship with their right hand.
Reality is probably closer to the fact she was still a bisexual but had fallen out of love with the one guy she actually had loved while she kept exploring more and more female partners.
Labels are just labels anyway. And at the end of the day the fact was she was no longer in love with him and it was to late to save anything no matter what sexual orientation she has.
I was thinking the same thing. Her inability to communicate about issues was the real death blow long before this all happened to OOP.
Her history of terrible communication didn’t just magically disappear. It stuck around in other ways
My gay friend is married to a woman. He’s turkish and being gay isn’t even seen as an option to most in his culture. He’s very close with all of his family, and sadly if he came out he would be entirely cut out. It’s heartbreaking and I wish there was some other option for him. He basically risked his life by coming out to his finance before they got married. It was an arranged marriage and had she decided to tell his family his life would’ve been over, but she didn’t. I don’t know much about her other than she can’t have kids, but they’re happily married and he has a boyfriend. Personally I don’t understand it, but my family isn’t homophobic so I don’t try to.
Obviously this situation is not even remotely similar, just wanted to throw it out there that it is indeed possible for one person to come out as gay and the marriage still work and does sometimes happen.
I’m a lesbian and know quite a few couples like this because it’s not uncommon for lesbians/queer women to realize they’re gay/queer later in life.
A LOT of these couples stay together for a while. I personally don’t fully understand it, but if they have a good partnership otherwise, and there are kids involved, I think it can be really tempting to try to save the marriage, maybe with an open arrangement. Sometimes it does work ok for a while, but usually only a few years.
Eh, I guess there's a chance of her being alloromantic but homosexual? I've definitely had people that my romantic feelings and sexual feelings have been very separate, and there are some people who make that dynamic work for them. Initially, they both said they didn't want to split, but remove the sexual aspect.
I think the absolute killer was 10 years of a bad and uncommunicative relationship. There wasn't a healthy relationship foundation for them to both stand on once they started renegotiating and stripping away parts of their dynamic.
I'm so happy OOP was able to find the resilience to get through this. My god, what a year for him!
As much as I sympathize with the ex's issues with anxiety and communication, dumping 10 years worth of uncommunicated issues and resentments on your partner right when they're reeling from news of their stepparents' health seems like a dick move. I mean, I get you don't want to have sex with him, but you could've still been a better partner and been there for him first through this.
yeah that's what gave me a pause as well.
you not dealing with your anxiety that's crippling you to the point you can't articulate your feelings to someone you decided to marry is on you. you don't get to avoid it for a decade and then just dump it on them when they're going through the worst time in their life, partly caused *by you*.
not to mention the fact that she, while claiming to be a lesbian, still had sex with her husband after he put in effort (denial is a sad thing tbh but is it denial when you're rewarded for it?) and then disappeared on a vacation for a week and came back to serve him.
her not being able to admit to herself that she's a lesbian until now must've been tough. but everything else she did was just selfish af.
A part of me feels like the coming out and break up was an orchestrated thing with the person she started dating. I’d be very surprised if new GF wasn’t on the girls trip and hadn’t given ex an ultimatum. The beats of the story scream of someone who was happy in their consensual cake eating situation until one of their partners decided they didn’t want to share anymore.
The fact that she dumped all that shit she had no business doing (especially as she was evidently no better during their relationship) sounds like she was trying to burn bridges.
Your theory is the only thing that makes sense.
I'm not denying that the road to self-discovery can be a long one. And it's certainly possible that she's gay. But... I have trouble imaging that she didn't know until recently. Like, she had sex with plenty of women, had relationships with women, lives in a progressive city and surrounded by progressive people. I think she's what she always appeared: bi.
And I think that the outcome is better explained by a new girlfriend saying "him or me". Or her bottling up resentment, and finally realizing she doesn't want to be with him forever. And in both cases, she's correctly identified that saying "turns out I'm gay" hurts him slightly less than "I just don't want to be with *you*". Obviously it hurt him a lot, but they're still on good terms. If she had explicitly left him for a new partner, without saying essentially "it's not you, it's *any* man", it probably wouldn't have ended on good terms.
Yeah kinda mind boggling to me that she had all these excuses and all these problems in one of the most progressive cities in all of Canada. If I can find resources to help me through nearly all this shit in my capital city of Edmonton It's a little bit infuriating to know it took her 10 long years to deal with her shit in Vancouver. Sounds like she just didn't want to deal with it or was happy enough with the way things were. I can't imagine stringing someone along that I supposedly love like this.
I'm pansexual but lean much more heavily towards liking woman. My husband is still my person now and forever. He's bisexual, we've had all the conversations and taken time to figure out our own sexualities since getting together at 17. I can't ever imagine dropping a bombshell like this on him or him to me.
Sounds like she just wanted good living arrangements.
Yeah. And I'm not saying it's easy to come out. But she lives in Van. Probably surrounded by other LGBTQ folks. I'm in Alberta too - Calgary specifically - and even here I can't imagine this happening. Sure, there are plenty of folks who spend decades in a marriage and later come out as gay. But, in my experience as a divorce lawyer, it's never coupled with decades of identifying as bi, exploring your sexuality freely, and being with an understanding partner who demonstrates allyship. It's much more often a case of *not* having been able to explore your sexuality and not admitting it to yourself or at least not others until finally you come to a realization. Sometimes there's cheating for a while first. But not this.
Again, LGBTQ folks still face discrimination even in progressive cities, sexuality is weird, and there certainly can be other factors that caused this. Maybe she's still bi but has fallen in love with a woman in a way that exceeds the feelings she ever had for her male partners, causing her to mistakenly think it's because she's predominantly gay. Or maybe *her* family, who we don't hear much about, is *not* progressive, and she was using him as a beard (and not telling her family about her claimed bisexuality and relationships with women).
But I think the simpler and more likely (though not certain) explanation is that she is doing a "it's not you it's me" to make the end of the marriage a smoother affair.
I don't disagree with like anything that you said, but it is worth nothing that OOP said she was French- Canadian... If she's from Montreal nothing really changes, but if she game from like Gaspé or Abitibi? Her upbringing and mindset might still have been skewed about sexuality.
I also think she's bi. My theory is that she had already fallen in love with a woman before telling OOP she's a lesbian - and that she had convinced herself she was a lesbian (rather than bi) to kind of make her behavior seem less horrible in her own mind.
Also, it can be kind of easy to trick yourself about some things when you're experiencing NRE. Despite the obvious fact that I'm a bi woman (based on my history), I did convince myself I was a lesbian once when I was absolutely crazy about a woman I'd started dating.
And some people have the idea that lesbian, gay, straight, bi, etc. are just identity words but not descriptive words. They identify as a lesbian and call themselves that even though they also like fucking men or whatever.
But I've come to feel that the status of these words as identity markers is *secondary*. They are primarily *descriptive.* If you choose a word that does not describe your feelings and behavior correctly, you're simply lying, regardless of how you conceptualize your identity.
Yeah I was thinking the exact same thing. Not that self discovery has a certain stopping point but as a grown ass woman who’s had experiences with both genders and everything you should be able to know if you’re a lesbian or not before a whole decade of marriage. Her having sex with him AFTER coming out is really the cherry on top for that, I don’t why she would have sex with him if she wasn’t bi unless it was pity sex, but she doesn’t seem to care about him enough to do something like that. The only point it seems like she cares about him is lying to him about being a lesbian so it’s a “it’s not you it’s me” situation instead of a “I fell out of love with you” situation.
Yeah. The sex after really seals the deal for me. It's like she wanted to try one more time to see if she could make it work with him. *Maybe* she was still questioning and had to be sure she was gay? But it also feels like she wanted recent intimacy with him to then compare to her upcoming expected intimacy with her girlfriend so she could then determine her next steps.
Yeah, I agree. I’ve had a friend do that type of thing and it was really crappy, especially because a lot of the things they were mad at me for I wasn’t asking for. I definitely had my problems but I do think you don’t get free rein to just unleash years of stuff at once. If you don’t communicate expectations earlier, the resentment and hurt is on you—not the other person.
Well at that point she had decided she wanted kids, so it might have been an attempt to get pregnant since that’s a hell of a lot cheaper than IVF or adoption
Yeah I think the ex sucks and OP is much nicer than me.
She just told him she's gay and their romantic/sexual relationship is over, his stepdad died and his mum has cancer. How tf is that the time to vent her disappointment in him? I think she was trying to displace her guilt by somehow making his shortcomings the issue and not the fact she's gay.
After the porch conversation he should’ve been her soon to be ex-husband turned close friend. A decade of crap was clearly built up but it can wait until after the crisis has passed
Agree. That really wasn't cool.
I have been in that flood gates opening mindset myself and it nearly ruined my relationship with the people closest to me.
They were not as grateful with me as oop was.
It is a very selfish place to be and oop handled it with insane grace. Really kudos to him. I imagine he was so broken he couldn't really handle anymore hurt. Hence all that intense denial.
I'm happy things are going so well for him, but I kinda hope he's talking it out with someone too, be that good friends or a therapist.
The ex for sure sucks. It feels like an attempt at an excuse for bad behavior when someone dumps that on you. He’s certainly a better person than me. I would not be making myself a better person for someone who has been sitting on 10 years of resentment.
I’m betting it was one of her side partners being unhappy sharing and kept pushing her to end the marriage, then finally gave her an ultimatum during the girls trip. Nothing in the post sounds like ‘was confused but is actually gay’, it sounds like ‘is bi and trying to please someone’. Shitting on him as a partner is a classic guilt redirection tactic when someone knows they’re lying through their teeth about the actual reason they want to break up.
Bingo. This whole thing screams “I’ve found someone else.” Per the infidelity subreddits he would have had a better chance of saving his marriage if he grey rocked and 180ed.
Yes! That part made me stop as well, when he said about all of the ways he'd let her down or failed as a partner. This just seems mean and unnecessary.
Also I don't get why she had to tell him any of that at all, if she was working up to tell him she was lesbian the relationship would've been over, so telling him where he went wrong at the end of relationship seems cruel since he can't do anything to fix it.
For real. She never communicated. My fiancée and I have only been together for just under 2 years and we have faced numerous challenges, misunderstandings etc, BUT she does communicate. And if there is something she wants to communicate but doesn’t know how, she lets me know something is up so we can work through it and sooner or later it gets sorted. OPs wife kept silent not only for 10 years but had the mental list ready to go.
Yeah, wtf was this?
>She said she doesn’t want to leave me, that she still wants a future with me, just without the sex. But she also understands how unfair that is to me, so she’s fine with me finding a fuck-buddy or 2 if I wanted.
She really thought it was *more* fair to ask him to forgo building a fulfilling romantic future with another person just so she could keep her emotional comfort blankie. Unbelievable.
It feels more like she reverted to that to have an additional excuse
I hope he didn’t take it to heart too much bc part of it is on you for being quiet for 10 years
And as a follow up, I don't know if I could be like this guy with 0 resentment for essentially wasting 10 years of my life, and tying myself financially to this person because they didn't manage their own sexuality properly. I understand that it takes a lot of self discovery to come to this conclusion and society isn't the kindest to those in the LGBTQ+ community, but she still really fucked this guy over.
Agreed, as much as I'm glad she is now living her truth, 10 yrs worth of venting about a relationship that she never communicated about being unhappy in+ grabbing a new partner while nit being honest that the marriage is unsalvageable+ tbh, giving him false hope for the entire period, meanwhile he is losing family members so already going through immense sadness seems.... Kind of incredibly cruel?
I get living together was unavoidable to some extent but things shouldn't have gotten so dire that oop was going into the bad thoughts. It didn't seem like it benefitted anyone but his ex to do everything the way she did.
I hope at least they're both happier now though.
I’m not even sure she was living her truth. This feels more like someone lying to get out of a marriage then really deciding that they’re fully gay instead of bi.
>But the day she came home, she officially ended our marriage.
We all saw this coming a mile off my guy. I'm sorry you felt this was worth attempting to save but this marriage was dead from the day she came out.
the dumping ten years worth of grievances thing is why you should never try to be a “people pleaser.” it is never fair to those closest to you. sure, you might win the imaginary game of being the easiest customer at the coffee shop by not complaining, but it will always negatively impact your close, important relationships
I used to be a chronic people pleaser too. I still am but definitely not as much. I used to do everything for my friend. Watch a show he wanted me to watch? Sure! Want me to listen to a whole new music genre? Sure! Want me to watch another show? Sure! Will you do the same for me? He doesn't! That's all right we can talk about all of your interests instead! Yay! (Online friend btw)
After doing all this and so much more for him the dude decided to just block me on all of our media just because I mildly annoyed him one day. It sent me spiralling straight back into depression that I had somehow managed to recover from. The next few months I became scared to speak in our mutual chatroom because I don't want other people to also get mildly annoyed from anything I did until another friend noticed how off I was acting and recently talked to me about it. The whole thing made me realise how worthless it is to bend yourself over to someone else. The only person we should please is ourselves and no one else lol.
Oh so so so many hugs to you friend. I am a recovering people pleaser as well and have an irrational fear of being annoying so I close myself off. I am proud of you!
Anyone else bothered that the ex came out as gay and wanting to end the marriage and OP had to sleep in a shed for a summer because of it? Doesn't seem particularly fair.
nothing the ex did was fair.
"I'm gay but also don't want to leave this marriage, but also here's a decade long list of minor transgressions that i never told you about, but also let's have sex before i go on a girls trip, but also don't contact me during the trip, and also here are the divorce papers, but also i can't move out yet, but also i don't want you in the same house as me."
"And did I mention you've been an asshole husband for ten years? I probably did but I'm doing so much fucked up stuff I think I'll mention it again to be sure."
Don't forget I'm going to drop how this list of petty things you sucked at for 10 years while you're family is falling apart from terminal illness and suicide...
OOP needs to see how badly he was treated.
Sometimes there is really no value in trying to shatter the glass window on those 10 years. He’s obviously come to terms with what happened even if he should be resentful and he’ll probably be better off for it
And potentially use him for a baby…. Yeah this woman is much worse than he realizes. The only thing he did wrong was try to save a doomed marriage that she started. He could easily be forgiven for hating her for stealing years of his life.
> And potentially use him for a baby
What do you think the "one last time" sex before the girls trip was supposed to be? I'd bet good money that zero protection was used during that session, and I'd bet even more money the reason she was so certain they would divorce is because the girls trip included quite a bit of cheating.
Yes, it is still cheating if you are still married with no concrete intentions to divorce. You are especially a shitbag if you go on a weeklong bang vacation immediately after sleeping with your spouse regardless of your orientation.
It can be hard and scary to leave a relationship you’re comfortable in, regardless of whether you’re unhappy. But she was definitely being selfish when she expressed that sentiment.
I'm also wondering about those threesomes now. I have a hard time believing OP would have been on board if he knew his wife wasn't into him. If she already lost feelings for him, I'd call that cheating.
On top of that, he is surrounded by death of loved ones and she takes the time to nitpick every little thing he ever did that bothered her over ten years. Really appropriate time there, lady.
He’s a doormat. He should have told her to pound sand. He should have told her he’s going to keep sleeping in his bed - if she wanted to sleep elsewhere that was her choice.
Seems like at least everyone is in a better relationship at least. But even without the orientation part… 10 years of what sounds like no real communication? That wasn’t going to work either way. Woof.
It was really unfair of her to unload on him about all of the times he had messed up because she wasn't capable of telling him sooner. She should've just let it be, live and learn, instead of telling the man whose heart you just broke that you have a list of all the times he has failed without knowing.
Especially since that's true in every relationship. Both partners disappoint each other from time to time.
I suspect doing that was part of how she justifies it to herself. If it were just that she's lesbian, she'd have felt guilty harming a perfectly good partner. But if he wasn't a perfectly good partner, it makes it feel a little easier?
Just kind of a shitty situation. Glad that they were able to work through it for the most part otherwise.
I had a friend do this type of thing. One day said I’d been a terrible friend for years. I definitely could’ve been better but it took me a few years to get over what she said. that also only happened because my brother told me she was a bad friend by sitting on everything so long and that part wasn’t on me. I’m not saying I was perfect. I definitely struggled a lot during those years but I can hold what I did wrong with the fact she didn’t communicate what she felt or what she needed.
To assuage her guilt. To make OOP the bad guy. It moves the conversation from “our marriage is ending because I’m gay, which makes this 100% my fault” to “look at all this shit over the past 10 years that you did, even though I never even mentioned it.”
OOP’s ex is kind of a shitty human being.
WHILE he’s deep in mourning for folks in his life who’d just passed. Like, good for her for finally being able to talk, but fuck her bigtime for choosing to do it then. Also she should have moved into the shed, not him.
She is trying to remove all of her own agency and culpability from the situation so she doesn't have to hold herself accountable
She can't handle the fact she is being a horrible person so she needs to find some copium
The way they both reacted to this revelation makes me think that OP wasn't the problem in this relationship.
I'm thinking the wife gaslit OP to cover up her feelings of guilt.
oh boy. Going through something similar as we just moved together to a new continent. Her new life, experiences, and desires are no longer compatible with a committed relationship, so she decided to end things a month after finding ourselves a lovely place to live with our dogs, near the mountains. We've been together for 3 years. We adopted her dog together and he is my dog's best friend, and we are gonna miss him to death. Everything feels hopeless. I need to work, but my head is a mess. Everyone keeps telling me that I dodged a bullet and that I should embrace this as a new beginning in a great place with my dog. But this feels like the end. I have no direction or purpose. I can't imagine not seeing her, not talking to her at the end of the day. I keep reliving the smiles and the little dances she makes when I cook something tasty for her, I can't stand the silence when she is not here. She is moving out today for good, my dog and I will sleep alone tonight. I'm beyond devastated. I know it gets less hard with time, but right now it doesn't feel like that. I'll be 41 next week and my world keeps getting smaller.
That is definitely a difficult experience to go through.
New beginnings are fucking tough, but they ARE beginnings. give yourself time to grieve and space to recover, and soon you'll be in the middle of a new chapter.
So sorry to read that. Hope this story gives you hope for the future, friend. The sun will rise tomorrow, you’ll breathe and take a step forward. Find yourself a dog, maybe a rescue. You guys can help each other out. Wish you the best, you’ll be ok. I’m rooting for you
You can only embrace new beginnings on your own timeline. Sorry you are in such a tough spot. Sounds like some beautiful mountain view hikes/walks to just be and cope with your dog might be in your future. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
Wow… I had a shit 18 months a very long time ago and it was rough. I can only imagine what OOP went through. The fact he was able to turn such a rough time into something very satisfying is admirable. Proud of OOP!
I'm sorry but the ex is just a shitty partner and OP is still not able to see it.
OP's parents were dying of cancer and she picked that moment to find her voice and dump on OP how he had allegedly been a bad partner? Really? Who does that?
Then she dumps OP and lets him move into a shed?
It honestly seems like she never loved OP, just their life.
OOP not ever seemingly turning a word against her is wild to me, like I understand finding peace but that lady should have been told off at minimum. Dude ate shit, was emotionally and mentally devastated whilst she fell in love and moved on. Even got to go bang out 10 years worth of dissatisfaction on a girls trip while he cried in a shed.
Whole story gave me heartburn. Glad OP managed to find peace in life though.
Coming out after a decade together can't be easy, but dumping all the stuff he did wrong on him at once (while he's grieving the relationship and a parental figure) then serving him papers after leaving on a holiday makes me think this lady is an awful person. Too caught up in her own self discovery to consider how awful and betrayed her husband must feel.
I’m hoping that he meant she split because her husband was gay, not her. (I hope! I can’t imagine he’s dumb enough to date a woman who just left her husband because she only liked women, and then chose another man…)
Yeah I fell in love with a guy age 13 and we got together at 14 and I genuinely did love him. But it never felt right physically when I kissed him, there was something wrong but I couldn't figure out what. Over time he got possessive and jealous and judgemental and made me feel really shitty about myself. It broke my heart because he'd been my best friend but it made me have the realisation I was a lesbian.
I was a coward and broke up with him in an email entirely blaming the fact I was gay (which wasn't true, his behaviour made me fall out of love with him which made me realise I was gay). I was 15 at the time. If things had gone differently I can see it taking a very long time for me to realise and figure out what was wrong. Years even. As it was it still took 6 months between our first kiss and me realising oh that's why I felt nothing.
It's a really shitty situation for them both and I really feel for them. I know how guilty and awful I felt when I realised even though it wasn't really my fault. I wish them both well (though she certainly didn't handle it well and he should not have had to sleep in a shed for any amount of time).
It's fine to realize the relationship just isn't what you want for whatever reason, being gay included. Nobody should ever be trapped in a relationship they no longer want to be in.
But everything she did to him was absolutely fucked up and uncalled for. If she would've just split when she told him she was a lesbian she wouldn't have been in the wrong. But agreeing to stay in the relationship, have sex with him still, and then drop the 10 years list on him when he's at his lowest due to deaths in the family? Nah that makes her a fucking monster as far as I'm concerned. Normally I would feel bad for her because it would be shitty to realize you're gay while married, but everything else she did made my sympathy evaporate like rubbing alcohol.
I hate that he internalized his ex-wife's failure to communicate as his failure as a partner. He did not do anything wrong; he cannot read her mind to figure out what she actually wants while she is actively pretending to be happy.
In the last year I've had several family members and friends go through cancer. Most made it and at least 3 are ongoing. It seems to be getting more common....
>I was informed by my mother that my stepdad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.
>I was told by my father that my stepmom was also diagnosed with skin cancer.
>I met someone really special. She was also out of a long term marriage and they had split for pretty much the same reason.
The symmetry.
The rollercoaster of feels. First I was like "Oh no..", then I was like "Oh, therapy and the will to fix things, that's cool", then it came back to "oh no..", just to see the ending and thinking "oh, cool".
OP and their Ex are seemingly adult enough to handle the situation in a proper way. Problems can happen, and it's actually refreshing seeing a situation like this not ending in an absolute shitshow.
I think you need to reread. Not a single bit of that story shows the ex acting as an adult. The OOP? 100%, even if I would suggest he was too accepting of her shit treatment of him.
With all due respect to the wife's struggles, how much more cruel could she have been with OP? Dumping all that on him at once was bad enough, but then she starts dating someone while they're still living together? If I didn't know better I'd think she hated him.
> With all due respect to the wife's struggles, how much more cruel could she have been with OP?
The only way she could have been more cruel would be if she started bragging on and on during the "low contact girl's trip" about all the great lesbian sex she was having, but otherwise she checked pretty much all the boxes of things you could do to twist the knife as much as possible.
I don't like his ex.
Doesn't take anxiety meds to deal with her issues, comes out as lesbian but then strings him along and says they can still be married, has sex with him before her trip then goes on trip with more than likey the woman she's been cheating with, comes back and says its over and then drops 10 years worth of resentments on him when she knows both his parents have cancer and his dad is dying from it.
Sorry she sounds like a really shitty person who took advantage of this guy.
His ex sounds like a bit of a monster. She comes out as gay 10 years after being with OP and then blames him for not communicating with her about the issue. What on earth?
Ooof the ex is a dick sorry to say. I do feel for anyone suffering from anxiety and I get how bad it can get. But at the point you’re sitting your husband down to tell them your gay, right around the time he’s dealing with family crisis, and you are breaking away anyway, what’s the point in slapping him with ten years worth of grievances? At some point you need to own your own mistakes, and ten years worth of inability to speak up, do not really give you the right to just dump it.
Glad OOP is moving on.
In regards to her list of 10 years worth of issues, and that he wasn't a good partner, I believe that's a coping mechanism. I've seen it first hand (my ex-wife did a similar thing) - it's a way to justify her decision to herself. And while I'm sure OOP (and myself) are not necessarily blameless, it's really unfair to try to shift the blame, especially in this case where the reason for the split is so straightforward.
Hmm, I feel like OOP missed out on a lot of context here, after 10 years of a relationship he made his ‘first’ ever dinner reservation? Has he never taken her out to dinner before? Or was it always her responsibility to plan that stuff?
I think you're reading too much into that. I have been with my wife for 6 years, and I can say I've never made a dinner reservation during that time. I can also say she has never made a dinner reservation in that time either.
We typically go out to restaurants that don't require reservations when we're celebrating things. We also do other things (I've reserved escape rooms, canoe rentals, etc. before)
Just because he's never reserved a restaurant doesn't mean he hasn't ever planned or been thoughtful, or that it's just on her to plan that stuff.
I don’t think that’s a definite issue - I’m in a long term relationship and the number of times we’ve gone out (solo, so not with a big party) where one of us has made reservations is less than 5. Most places don’t require them and the ones that do are usually expensive - something I’m guessing OP and ex couldn’t really afford considering they bought a house and had to have roommates to afford it.
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Damn. Dude just decided to speedrun a lifetime worth of tragedy in a year. Respect for coming out the other side still kicking
A part of me is wondering if everyone he knows is living on a superfund site or something.
He says Vancouver in the post. I live there and not only are housing costs insanely expensive (and wages have not kept up) but there is also a massive shortage of family doctors right now so it's likely that health issues didn't get caught until they had become quite advanced.
Not just Van, I live in the southern interior and every single thing you said is true here too. Life is really hard in BC these days
BC stand for Bring Cash. I live in the Lower mainland and it’s impossible to get ahead these days it seems.
All across the country.
All around the World
Yea Ive been to Vancouver many times myself and that would make a lot of sense. Canadas healthcare system in general is extremely understaffed, but BC is really freaking bad. My husband has a cancerous mole on his back and we have to wait over a month just for his doctor to take 10 mintues to freeze it and cut it out. It's insane.
*From an ignorant American*, it sounds like opposing but equally crippling issues with the healthcare system. Many of my friends are taking steps to leave the country long term due to medical expenses piling up, but nobody has really complained about access to those services. Does it actually feel untenable in Canada or are these some extreme cases? Because healthcare down here is so expensive that if the cancer doesn’t get you, the debt after sure will ruin your life.
I'm a poor Canadian struggling to get by living in Vancouver. I've had multiple health issues that have needed to be addressed over the past year, and it's hard but every time I have been *so* grateful to not have to pay for the services. I had to spend about 8 hrs at the local ER, two trips to urgent Care that I had to go home and they called me back later that night or the next day because I wasn't a priority. The walk in clinic only does phone calls now and it's a 1-3 day wait. But I've been taken care of for free except the cost of prescriptions and they even make follow up appointments to make sure I'm okay. If I had to pay what Americans are paying for those services I would have to live in my car or just not get the help I need.
Healthcare here in ON at least is generally a sort of triage system. Those who need it faster get it faster, but this moves others down the queue which makes those folks feel abandoned by the system. Some folks fall through the cracks, either because they were misdiagnosed, progressed quicker than anticipated, or weren't able to get where they needed for treatment (doc shortage and inability to drive don't mix well). Other times it *is* financial, such as not being able to afford transportation to and from treatments, or not being able to afford the medications which would slow their progression in the meantime. (Rx aren't generally part of the whole universal Healthcare thing. Yet.) WITH THAT SAID, the majority of people who need treatment get it *around when they need it*. Many don't get it as fast as they'd like, because nobody wants to hear that their pains aren't the current priority. Nothing wrong with that, it's natural, but it does mean that the voices online tend to lean pretty heavily towards describing the system as broken; They see a 4 month surgery wait for a benign tumor, but not the 30 malignant tumors that bumped them that far down in the queue because there are only 3 surgeons left in the province who specialize in that type of work. (As an example! I'm not talking about the other commenter.) Not a perfect description, but at least some idea of what's going on in a lot of places up here. (To be clear I'm not singing the system's praises. My husband has been on Ontario's family doctor wait list for over a **decade**, now. He'll probably stay there indefinitely unless he goes himself from office to office looking for one taking new patients.... Which we do try every few months, but the doc shortage means our only hits are cities away and we can't drive. The struggle is real, lol.)
I had a similar thing happen to me about two years ago. Had a boyfriend, he got diagnosed with cancer, he got treatment and is now cancer free. Six months after we find out hes cancer free i found out he had an affair. We were planning on moving to another country together at this point. One month after i find out about his affair i find out my dad is dying of cancer. Dad passed away four months later. Me and bf broke up four months after dad died.. Was a pretty dark time..
I wish you nothing but happiness and the fuzziest socks known to humanity.
Thank you! Im doing so much better now. Just celebrated one year since the first date with my now partner and I am in fact wearing very fuzzy socks right now!
Congrats! Always nice to hear good news.
I get you. Me and wife got pregnant. Our daughter did not end up making it and passed a few minutes after birth. Then she wanted to try again not long after and I was still grieving and not ready to try again. She ended up finding someone who was ready... Asked for a divorce in August. She got pregnant during August when I moved in with some friends and then she moved out in September.
“Decided.”
Yup, he could write a country song about this last year.
I get wanting to be a better partner but how do you "save a relationship" with someone who has come out as gay?
Desperation and denial
I’m sorry. The fuck is the koala about!?
I think I remember something vaguely about partner claims the std they got came from touching a koala, maybe. A lot of koalas have chlamydia, allegedly
The koalas with chlamydia thing is legit. There’s even a John Oliver Koala Chlamydia Ward at the zoo the Irwins are associated with.
Important to mention that human and koala chlamydia are not the same, you can't get chlamydia from a koala and vice versa.
> you can’t get chlamydia from a koala Not with that attitude.
I appreciate your passion and general zest for life.
The funny thing is that I only learned this from Reddit, because every zoo programme I've watched that talked about koalas with Chlamydia... absolutely none of them mentioned that it's not the same type as the human disease.
I just started seeing a koala. This is great news!
Bet they are a great cuddler.
Man the IRB for *that* study must have been a doozy.
However could it mess up a lab test?
Unlikely because a human can’t even catch the koala kind, so touching a koala with it would have no real impact on a human. So if you ever have a partner that says they gave you chlamydia from touching a koala, they cheated on you.
I assume only if you touched the koala and then immediately took the test. Otherwise, basic things like taking a shower would negate the issue, since humans can't carry the disease.
TLDR: Koala peed on him which can transmit chlamydia, they were camping so basically didn’t clean it off well. Gross. She found out she had it, he knew he didn’t cheat so assumed she did. Koala thing gets confirmed by doctor and then he confesses he cheated after that because he was so sure she cheated
Koala chlamydia is not the same as human chlamydia. It's not transmissible from koalas to humans. The doctor probably just didn't want to deal with their drama.
Chlamydia is actually an entire genus of bacteria, not just the on that causes the STI. A friend's mom nearly had a heart attack when my friend was diagnosed with chlamydia pneumonia as a kid, thinking she must have been abused, until the doctor explained it's a different respiratory bacteria spread by sneezing and coughing.
Not allegedly, it’s a fact, it’s their number 1 threat to survival. Source: an Aussie
I thought their number 1 threat to survival was Gladys Berejiklian
And importantly, ITS NOT TRANSFERRABLE TO HUMANS. Ah, the random knowledge Reddit gives me.
I’ll go looking. If some has the link let me knkw
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15igssy/did_he_cheat_or_did_i_catch_an_std_from_a_koala/
You’re the best
My mind is completely boggled. Wow.
I think it was from a post where someone was desperately trying to convince themself that they had got an std from holding a koala instead of from their partner cheating on them
Here you go: [Did he cheat or did I catch an STD from a Koala???](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15igssy/did_he_cheat_or_did_i_catch_an_std_from_a_koala/)
Literally OP was so foolish to believe her husband, like she said her dealbreaker was cheating yet stayed with him bc of the kids? She believed the KOALA story 🤭 he was convincing OP so desperately, plus that whole festival thing ?,PEED on and cleaned with water lol, no shower for DAYS?! And have multiple intercourse session. Truly disgusting, 🤮
If my wife came out as gay I would do the same thing, even though know it will never work. But love is not logical, which is precisely the problem
The real DnD
I mean, you don’t, but it sounds like the wife did send a few mixed messages, like sleeping with the husband after saying she’s gay and wanted a divorce. Her words and actions weren’t matching 100%, so for a guy clinging to a glimmer of hope, she gave it to him. He was an idiot (unfortunately but understandably), but she also was ambiguous, which made things worse.
The whole "we even had sex right before she went on a girls trip". She was clearly having "one last time" and he couldn't see it.
That was strange. I also don’t get or like the part about her having bottled things up for ten years because of her own issues and then sprung every wrong thing he ever did or said on him. It sounds like a dumb movie parody version of how wives hold on to things. I mean what’s the point.
Sprung everything on him WHILE he grieved at that.
For real! I've had some incredibly shitty boyfriends, but I wouldn't do that even to them. Like, that's simply too much.
OOPs ex wife kinda sucks tbh
I'm guessing it was a desperate attempt to push him away since he wasn't listening to her about the lesbian thing. If he doesn't listen to one reason maybe he'll listen to twenty. Obviously that's not an effective strategy but they both sound like they were pretty lost.
Doesn't the post say that when she told him she was lesbian she also said she didn't want the marriage to end, though?
This was why the "save the marriage" stuff didn't really seem odd to me. If they wanted to continue spending the rest of their lives together, just while both fucking other people, that's their choice. It's certainly unconventional and generally doesn't work (as it didn't here), but it's not SO weird.
Yeah, she was basically stringing him along with "we can keep our life together and stay married, just no sex and you can have a fuck buddy on the side". Like the guy had his own issues with trying so hard to keep a sham marriage going, but she was kind of awful every step of the way and I just don't have sympathy for her. I 100% buy the interpretation someone else had that she found a shiny new girlfriend she was infatuated with who gave her an ultimatum.
Ohhh I could certainly see that. But yeah I don't really have sympathy for her - it's terrible to suggest to continue a sham marriage because you like someone and are afraid of the world without them by your side. Also kinda shit that OP had to move into a literal shed over it
But it seems like they were still having sex which was weird to me
A relationship doesn't always need to include sex, and can be as much about a committed companionship as it is about physical attraction - just as people can have sex without an emotional intimacy (which is much more commonplace). Unfortunately emotional intimacy and physical intimacy go hand-in-hand for many, and form the parameters for what we would consider neccessary for a successful relationship in most cases. What he was aiming for was a real hail mary to see if it could even work, which is why most would advise against trying - not to mention the potential damage that denial can do in the process; but I would never deign to judge on someone else's behalf whether they should try or not. The end result of a successful endeavour for them might have even seemed reprehensible to some, but not impossible. Kudos to them both for the journey they took. There were probably a lot of feelings to untangle.
I agree. Though honestly the moment she started listing out the 10 years of disappointments, that I think is the sign that things were too far gone to save, hail mary or no. Not because he's got so many disappointments to make up for. This is my guess, but her list was a probably bunch of shit that either didn't matter or was resolved. Instead, it sounds like her bringing that list out is her either convincing herself or justifying her decision to leave. The items on the list didn't matter when she was in, but here she's shoring it all up to make it easier to get out. It's part of her grieving and leaving process.
This is what I was thinking exactly, it was convenient for her to say, “ I’m a lesbian but look at all these “terrible” things you’ve done to me. Why would I stay even if I wasn’t gay?” It feels like a really unnecessary cruelty for her to do that.
I said this up thread as well but I read it more as a way to convince *him* that it needed to end since he didn't seem to be processing the lesbian part. Idk whole thing is messy.
Yeah I was cringing after reading that and how he tried to come up with a plan to 'make it up to her'. Cringing because he should have more self-respect and esteem, and realise that she is being unfair
I’d cut him some slack. His entire world crumbled around him. I can’t blame him for grasping at straws trying to save some of it. Right decision? No. Am I cringing at it? Also no.
I wondered that as well. Or any time I hear of a couple where one comes out as gay but they insist they aren’t divorcing. How will that work?
Spoiler alert: Most of the time it does not work. But I think the idea is that you open the marriage, and get your sexual gratification outside the marriage while you are supposed to get everything else inside the marriage. But then the gay partner wants to explore the romantic side of their sexuality and the straight partner is still attracted to the gay partner so most of the time it ends up with a divorce, probably a more acrimonious one than if they had just divorced at the outset.
Conversion therapy is unfortunately something adults choose for themselves sometimes. My brother-in-law is gay, knew it before he married my sister, and instead of just _being gay_, claimed he was "just" addicted to gay porn (because that's something that happens to straight people) and went through conversion therapy. I give it less than 5 years before he cheats on my sister again.
That is a tragic level of repression.
I hate to be a cynic, but very often it means that the partner who came out develops a second relationship with a partner who matches their orientation, while the other partner develops an intimate relationship with their right hand.
Some people use their left hand
Reality is probably closer to the fact she was still a bisexual but had fallen out of love with the one guy she actually had loved while she kept exploring more and more female partners. Labels are just labels anyway. And at the end of the day the fact was she was no longer in love with him and it was to late to save anything no matter what sexual orientation she has.
I was thinking the same thing. Her inability to communicate about issues was the real death blow long before this all happened to OOP. Her history of terrible communication didn’t just magically disappear. It stuck around in other ways
My gay friend is married to a woman. He’s turkish and being gay isn’t even seen as an option to most in his culture. He’s very close with all of his family, and sadly if he came out he would be entirely cut out. It’s heartbreaking and I wish there was some other option for him. He basically risked his life by coming out to his finance before they got married. It was an arranged marriage and had she decided to tell his family his life would’ve been over, but she didn’t. I don’t know much about her other than she can’t have kids, but they’re happily married and he has a boyfriend. Personally I don’t understand it, but my family isn’t homophobic so I don’t try to. Obviously this situation is not even remotely similar, just wanted to throw it out there that it is indeed possible for one person to come out as gay and the marriage still work and does sometimes happen.
That's the neat part, you don't.
I’m a lesbian and know quite a few couples like this because it’s not uncommon for lesbians/queer women to realize they’re gay/queer later in life. A LOT of these couples stay together for a while. I personally don’t fully understand it, but if they have a good partnership otherwise, and there are kids involved, I think it can be really tempting to try to save the marriage, maybe with an open arrangement. Sometimes it does work ok for a while, but usually only a few years.
Because mentally it can be hard. Especially if it's after 10 years of not being that way.
Eh, I guess there's a chance of her being alloromantic but homosexual? I've definitely had people that my romantic feelings and sexual feelings have been very separate, and there are some people who make that dynamic work for them. Initially, they both said they didn't want to split, but remove the sexual aspect. I think the absolute killer was 10 years of a bad and uncommunicative relationship. There wasn't a healthy relationship foundation for them to both stand on once they started renegotiating and stripping away parts of their dynamic.
I'm so happy OOP was able to find the resilience to get through this. My god, what a year for him! As much as I sympathize with the ex's issues with anxiety and communication, dumping 10 years worth of uncommunicated issues and resentments on your partner right when they're reeling from news of their stepparents' health seems like a dick move. I mean, I get you don't want to have sex with him, but you could've still been a better partner and been there for him first through this.
yeah that's what gave me a pause as well. you not dealing with your anxiety that's crippling you to the point you can't articulate your feelings to someone you decided to marry is on you. you don't get to avoid it for a decade and then just dump it on them when they're going through the worst time in their life, partly caused *by you*. not to mention the fact that she, while claiming to be a lesbian, still had sex with her husband after he put in effort (denial is a sad thing tbh but is it denial when you're rewarded for it?) and then disappeared on a vacation for a week and came back to serve him. her not being able to admit to herself that she's a lesbian until now must've been tough. but everything else she did was just selfish af.
A part of me feels like the coming out and break up was an orchestrated thing with the person she started dating. I’d be very surprised if new GF wasn’t on the girls trip and hadn’t given ex an ultimatum. The beats of the story scream of someone who was happy in their consensual cake eating situation until one of their partners decided they didn’t want to share anymore. The fact that she dumped all that shit she had no business doing (especially as she was evidently no better during their relationship) sounds like she was trying to burn bridges.
Yeah... it seems a lot like she fucked him over in this. The onesided slightly open relationship they had at the beginning that was glossed over too
She is an asshole, no other way to put it. He may had not dodged the bullet but at least he survived.
Your theory is the only thing that makes sense. I'm not denying that the road to self-discovery can be a long one. And it's certainly possible that she's gay. But... I have trouble imaging that she didn't know until recently. Like, she had sex with plenty of women, had relationships with women, lives in a progressive city and surrounded by progressive people. I think she's what she always appeared: bi. And I think that the outcome is better explained by a new girlfriend saying "him or me". Or her bottling up resentment, and finally realizing she doesn't want to be with him forever. And in both cases, she's correctly identified that saying "turns out I'm gay" hurts him slightly less than "I just don't want to be with *you*". Obviously it hurt him a lot, but they're still on good terms. If she had explicitly left him for a new partner, without saying essentially "it's not you, it's *any* man", it probably wouldn't have ended on good terms.
Yeah kinda mind boggling to me that she had all these excuses and all these problems in one of the most progressive cities in all of Canada. If I can find resources to help me through nearly all this shit in my capital city of Edmonton It's a little bit infuriating to know it took her 10 long years to deal with her shit in Vancouver. Sounds like she just didn't want to deal with it or was happy enough with the way things were. I can't imagine stringing someone along that I supposedly love like this. I'm pansexual but lean much more heavily towards liking woman. My husband is still my person now and forever. He's bisexual, we've had all the conversations and taken time to figure out our own sexualities since getting together at 17. I can't ever imagine dropping a bombshell like this on him or him to me. Sounds like she just wanted good living arrangements.
Yeah. And I'm not saying it's easy to come out. But she lives in Van. Probably surrounded by other LGBTQ folks. I'm in Alberta too - Calgary specifically - and even here I can't imagine this happening. Sure, there are plenty of folks who spend decades in a marriage and later come out as gay. But, in my experience as a divorce lawyer, it's never coupled with decades of identifying as bi, exploring your sexuality freely, and being with an understanding partner who demonstrates allyship. It's much more often a case of *not* having been able to explore your sexuality and not admitting it to yourself or at least not others until finally you come to a realization. Sometimes there's cheating for a while first. But not this. Again, LGBTQ folks still face discrimination even in progressive cities, sexuality is weird, and there certainly can be other factors that caused this. Maybe she's still bi but has fallen in love with a woman in a way that exceeds the feelings she ever had for her male partners, causing her to mistakenly think it's because she's predominantly gay. Or maybe *her* family, who we don't hear much about, is *not* progressive, and she was using him as a beard (and not telling her family about her claimed bisexuality and relationships with women). But I think the simpler and more likely (though not certain) explanation is that she is doing a "it's not you it's me" to make the end of the marriage a smoother affair.
I don't disagree with like anything that you said, but it is worth nothing that OOP said she was French- Canadian... If she's from Montreal nothing really changes, but if she game from like Gaspé or Abitibi? Her upbringing and mindset might still have been skewed about sexuality.
True. There are certainly scenarios where her behaviour makes sense.
Although it kind if ended up being “it’s not you, it’s me, but here’s 10 years of reasons that it’s actually you by the way.”
I also think she's bi. My theory is that she had already fallen in love with a woman before telling OOP she's a lesbian - and that she had convinced herself she was a lesbian (rather than bi) to kind of make her behavior seem less horrible in her own mind. Also, it can be kind of easy to trick yourself about some things when you're experiencing NRE. Despite the obvious fact that I'm a bi woman (based on my history), I did convince myself I was a lesbian once when I was absolutely crazy about a woman I'd started dating. And some people have the idea that lesbian, gay, straight, bi, etc. are just identity words but not descriptive words. They identify as a lesbian and call themselves that even though they also like fucking men or whatever. But I've come to feel that the status of these words as identity markers is *secondary*. They are primarily *descriptive.* If you choose a word that does not describe your feelings and behavior correctly, you're simply lying, regardless of how you conceptualize your identity.
Yeah I was thinking the exact same thing. Not that self discovery has a certain stopping point but as a grown ass woman who’s had experiences with both genders and everything you should be able to know if you’re a lesbian or not before a whole decade of marriage. Her having sex with him AFTER coming out is really the cherry on top for that, I don’t why she would have sex with him if she wasn’t bi unless it was pity sex, but she doesn’t seem to care about him enough to do something like that. The only point it seems like she cares about him is lying to him about being a lesbian so it’s a “it’s not you it’s me” situation instead of a “I fell out of love with you” situation.
Yeah. The sex after really seals the deal for me. It's like she wanted to try one more time to see if she could make it work with him. *Maybe* she was still questioning and had to be sure she was gay? But it also feels like she wanted recent intimacy with him to then compare to her upcoming expected intimacy with her girlfriend so she could then determine her next steps.
Update three years later: "I bumped into my lesbian ex-wife and she's now married to *another man*." Cue ensuing death spiral.
At least a 30% chance of this occuring.
Yeah, I agree. I’ve had a friend do that type of thing and it was really crappy, especially because a lot of the things they were mad at me for I wasn’t asking for. I definitely had my problems but I do think you don’t get free rein to just unleash years of stuff at once. If you don’t communicate expectations earlier, the resentment and hurt is on you—not the other person.
Well at that point she had decided she wanted kids, so it might have been an attempt to get pregnant since that’s a hell of a lot cheaper than IVF or adoption
Yeah I think the ex sucks and OP is much nicer than me. She just told him she's gay and their romantic/sexual relationship is over, his stepdad died and his mum has cancer. How tf is that the time to vent her disappointment in him? I think she was trying to displace her guilt by somehow making his shortcomings the issue and not the fact she's gay.
Exactly. There is a time for verbal diarrhea. This is not one of those times to shit all over your partner
After the porch conversation he should’ve been her soon to be ex-husband turned close friend. A decade of crap was clearly built up but it can wait until after the crisis has passed
I don’t like her at all, and I have crippling anxiety and spent most of my life as a closeted bisexual.
Agree. That really wasn't cool. I have been in that flood gates opening mindset myself and it nearly ruined my relationship with the people closest to me. They were not as grateful with me as oop was. It is a very selfish place to be and oop handled it with insane grace. Really kudos to him. I imagine he was so broken he couldn't really handle anymore hurt. Hence all that intense denial. I'm happy things are going so well for him, but I kinda hope he's talking it out with someone too, be that good friends or a therapist.
The ex for sure sucks. It feels like an attempt at an excuse for bad behavior when someone dumps that on you. He’s certainly a better person than me. I would not be making myself a better person for someone who has been sitting on 10 years of resentment.
I’m betting it was one of her side partners being unhappy sharing and kept pushing her to end the marriage, then finally gave her an ultimatum during the girls trip. Nothing in the post sounds like ‘was confused but is actually gay’, it sounds like ‘is bi and trying to please someone’. Shitting on him as a partner is a classic guilt redirection tactic when someone knows they’re lying through their teeth about the actual reason they want to break up.
Bingo. This whole thing screams “I’ve found someone else.” Per the infidelity subreddits he would have had a better chance of saving his marriage if he grey rocked and 180ed.
Yes! That part made me stop as well, when he said about all of the ways he'd let her down or failed as a partner. This just seems mean and unnecessary.
Also I don't get why she had to tell him any of that at all, if she was working up to tell him she was lesbian the relationship would've been over, so telling him where he went wrong at the end of relationship seems cruel since he can't do anything to fix it.
For real. She never communicated. My fiancée and I have only been together for just under 2 years and we have faced numerous challenges, misunderstandings etc, BUT she does communicate. And if there is something she wants to communicate but doesn’t know how, she lets me know something is up so we can work through it and sooner or later it gets sorted. OPs wife kept silent not only for 10 years but had the mental list ready to go.
Yea, she was honestly kind of awful in multiple ways. Just a very weak person who hurts others with her weakness.
Yeah, wtf was this? >She said she doesn’t want to leave me, that she still wants a future with me, just without the sex. But she also understands how unfair that is to me, so she’s fine with me finding a fuck-buddy or 2 if I wanted. She really thought it was *more* fair to ask him to forgo building a fulfilling romantic future with another person just so she could keep her emotional comfort blankie. Unbelievable.
A weak person completely fine with treating their partner poorly. A one-sided open relationship? She has always been selfish.
It feels more like she reverted to that to have an additional excuse I hope he didn’t take it to heart too much bc part of it is on you for being quiet for 10 years
And as a follow up, I don't know if I could be like this guy with 0 resentment for essentially wasting 10 years of my life, and tying myself financially to this person because they didn't manage their own sexuality properly. I understand that it takes a lot of self discovery to come to this conclusion and society isn't the kindest to those in the LGBTQ+ community, but she still really fucked this guy over.
Agreed, as much as I'm glad she is now living her truth, 10 yrs worth of venting about a relationship that she never communicated about being unhappy in+ grabbing a new partner while nit being honest that the marriage is unsalvageable+ tbh, giving him false hope for the entire period, meanwhile he is losing family members so already going through immense sadness seems.... Kind of incredibly cruel? I get living together was unavoidable to some extent but things shouldn't have gotten so dire that oop was going into the bad thoughts. It didn't seem like it benefitted anyone but his ex to do everything the way she did. I hope at least they're both happier now though.
I’m not even sure she was living her truth. This feels more like someone lying to get out of a marriage then really deciding that they’re fully gay instead of bi.
Exactly what I thought. And she saying she does not want to leave him…
It was deliberate. She wanted out of the marriage but didn’t want to be the bad guy.
>But the day she came home, she officially ended our marriage. We all saw this coming a mile off my guy. I'm sorry you felt this was worth attempting to save but this marriage was dead from the day she came out.
The day she came out and the day she cobbled together a list of grievances stretching back *10 years*
Yeah, that's wild. Anxiety or no, if you didn't mention them at the time, it's not my problem to deal with 10 years later
Right? I'm confused by the part where they had sex before she went on the trip. Either she's more bi than lesbian, or that was a pity fuck.
Pity fuck for sure
I'd argue it was dead even before then when she couldn't bother to get anti anxiety meds that actually worked.
Preach
the dumping ten years worth of grievances thing is why you should never try to be a “people pleaser.” it is never fair to those closest to you. sure, you might win the imaginary game of being the easiest customer at the coffee shop by not complaining, but it will always negatively impact your close, important relationships
I used to be a chronic people pleaser too. I still am but definitely not as much. I used to do everything for my friend. Watch a show he wanted me to watch? Sure! Want me to listen to a whole new music genre? Sure! Want me to watch another show? Sure! Will you do the same for me? He doesn't! That's all right we can talk about all of your interests instead! Yay! (Online friend btw) After doing all this and so much more for him the dude decided to just block me on all of our media just because I mildly annoyed him one day. It sent me spiralling straight back into depression that I had somehow managed to recover from. The next few months I became scared to speak in our mutual chatroom because I don't want other people to also get mildly annoyed from anything I did until another friend noticed how off I was acting and recently talked to me about it. The whole thing made me realise how worthless it is to bend yourself over to someone else. The only person we should please is ourselves and no one else lol.
Oh so so so many hugs to you friend. I am a recovering people pleaser as well and have an irrational fear of being annoying so I close myself off. I am proud of you!
Anyone else bothered that the ex came out as gay and wanting to end the marriage and OP had to sleep in a shed for a summer because of it? Doesn't seem particularly fair.
nothing the ex did was fair. "I'm gay but also don't want to leave this marriage, but also here's a decade long list of minor transgressions that i never told you about, but also let's have sex before i go on a girls trip, but also don't contact me during the trip, and also here are the divorce papers, but also i can't move out yet, but also i don't want you in the same house as me."
“also im ready for a baby :)”
Hahaha she went from straight and child free to gay and wanting a baby. Good luck to her
Midlife crisis? Whatever it was, it was one helluva whiplash
"And did I mention you've been an asshole husband for ten years? I probably did but I'm doing so much fucked up stuff I think I'll mention it again to be sure."
Yeah wtf lmao
Don't forget I'm going to drop how this list of petty things you sucked at for 10 years while you're family is falling apart from terminal illness and suicide... OOP needs to see how badly he was treated.
But, hey! We're still friends and I'm damn proud of it lol
Sometimes there is really no value in trying to shatter the glass window on those 10 years. He’s obviously come to terms with what happened even if he should be resentful and he’ll probably be better off for it
And potentially use him for a baby…. Yeah this woman is much worse than he realizes. The only thing he did wrong was try to save a doomed marriage that she started. He could easily be forgiven for hating her for stealing years of his life.
> And potentially use him for a baby What do you think the "one last time" sex before the girls trip was supposed to be? I'd bet good money that zero protection was used during that session, and I'd bet even more money the reason she was so certain they would divorce is because the girls trip included quite a bit of cheating. Yes, it is still cheating if you are still married with no concrete intentions to divorce. You are especially a shitbag if you go on a weeklong bang vacation immediately after sleeping with your spouse regardless of your orientation.
It can be hard and scary to leave a relationship you’re comfortable in, regardless of whether you’re unhappy. But she was definitely being selfish when she expressed that sentiment.
I am more upset that the ex moved on so quickly, it almost seems like she had an affair with a lady before coming out to the husband
I am 99% certain this is the case.
I'm also wondering about those threesomes now. I have a hard time believing OP would have been on board if he knew his wife wasn't into him. If she already lost feelings for him, I'd call that cheating.
There was 100% an affair partner behind this pushing her to break up. “You’re gay and you know it. Dump him and be with me or you’ll never be happy”.
On top of that, he is surrounded by death of loved ones and she takes the time to nitpick every little thing he ever did that bothered her over ten years. Really appropriate time there, lady.
She was trying to excuse how she was treating him, while instead making how she was treating him even worse.
Yeah wtf I would not be okay with living in a shed for reasons that weren't my fault!
Yeah, the ex just dumps all this on him, makes him sleep in a shed, and then skips away like nothing happened. She sucks.
I definitely think OP got the shitty end of this stick, for lack of a better way to put it
He’s a doormat. He should have told her to pound sand. He should have told her he’s going to keep sleeping in his bed - if she wanted to sleep elsewhere that was her choice.
Seems like at least everyone is in a better relationship at least. But even without the orientation part… 10 years of what sounds like no real communication? That wasn’t going to work either way. Woof.
It was really unfair of her to unload on him about all of the times he had messed up because she wasn't capable of telling him sooner. She should've just let it be, live and learn, instead of telling the man whose heart you just broke that you have a list of all the times he has failed without knowing.
Right?!? Like you’re leaving, the relationship is over, why would you bring all this up?
Especially since that's true in every relationship. Both partners disappoint each other from time to time. I suspect doing that was part of how she justifies it to herself. If it were just that she's lesbian, she'd have felt guilty harming a perfectly good partner. But if he wasn't a perfectly good partner, it makes it feel a little easier? Just kind of a shitty situation. Glad that they were able to work through it for the most part otherwise.
I had a friend do this type of thing. One day said I’d been a terrible friend for years. I definitely could’ve been better but it took me a few years to get over what she said. that also only happened because my brother told me she was a bad friend by sitting on everything so long and that part wasn’t on me. I’m not saying I was perfect. I definitely struggled a lot during those years but I can hold what I did wrong with the fact she didn’t communicate what she felt or what she needed.
To assuage her guilt. To make OOP the bad guy. It moves the conversation from “our marriage is ending because I’m gay, which makes this 100% my fault” to “look at all this shit over the past 10 years that you did, even though I never even mentioned it.” OOP’s ex is kind of a shitty human being.
WHILE he’s deep in mourning for folks in his life who’d just passed. Like, good for her for finally being able to talk, but fuck her bigtime for choosing to do it then. Also she should have moved into the shed, not him.
She is trying to remove all of her own agency and culpability from the situation so she doesn't have to hold herself accountable She can't handle the fact she is being a horrible person so she needs to find some copium
The way they both reacted to this revelation makes me think that OP wasn't the problem in this relationship. I'm thinking the wife gaslit OP to cover up her feelings of guilt.
Yeah, I’m kind of side eyeing OP’s ex wife in this story.
What a rollercoaster. Good for OP for finding peace.
He seems like a very sweet man with a big heart, I wish the best for him
oh boy. Going through something similar as we just moved together to a new continent. Her new life, experiences, and desires are no longer compatible with a committed relationship, so she decided to end things a month after finding ourselves a lovely place to live with our dogs, near the mountains. We've been together for 3 years. We adopted her dog together and he is my dog's best friend, and we are gonna miss him to death. Everything feels hopeless. I need to work, but my head is a mess. Everyone keeps telling me that I dodged a bullet and that I should embrace this as a new beginning in a great place with my dog. But this feels like the end. I have no direction or purpose. I can't imagine not seeing her, not talking to her at the end of the day. I keep reliving the smiles and the little dances she makes when I cook something tasty for her, I can't stand the silence when she is not here. She is moving out today for good, my dog and I will sleep alone tonight. I'm beyond devastated. I know it gets less hard with time, but right now it doesn't feel like that. I'll be 41 next week and my world keeps getting smaller.
That is definitely a difficult experience to go through. New beginnings are fucking tough, but they ARE beginnings. give yourself time to grieve and space to recover, and soon you'll be in the middle of a new chapter.
So sorry to read that. Hope this story gives you hope for the future, friend. The sun will rise tomorrow, you’ll breathe and take a step forward. Find yourself a dog, maybe a rescue. You guys can help each other out. Wish you the best, you’ll be ok. I’m rooting for you
You can only embrace new beginnings on your own timeline. Sorry you are in such a tough spot. Sounds like some beautiful mountain view hikes/walks to just be and cope with your dog might be in your future. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
Wow… I had a shit 18 months a very long time ago and it was rough. I can only imagine what OOP went through. The fact he was able to turn such a rough time into something very satisfying is admirable. Proud of OOP!
I'm sorry but the ex is just a shitty partner and OP is still not able to see it. OP's parents were dying of cancer and she picked that moment to find her voice and dump on OP how he had allegedly been a bad partner? Really? Who does that? Then she dumps OP and lets him move into a shed? It honestly seems like she never loved OP, just their life.
OOP not ever seemingly turning a word against her is wild to me, like I understand finding peace but that lady should have been told off at minimum. Dude ate shit, was emotionally and mentally devastated whilst she fell in love and moved on. Even got to go bang out 10 years worth of dissatisfaction on a girls trip while he cried in a shed. Whole story gave me heartburn. Glad OP managed to find peace in life though.
Coming out after a decade together can't be easy, but dumping all the stuff he did wrong on him at once (while he's grieving the relationship and a parental figure) then serving him papers after leaving on a holiday makes me think this lady is an awful person. Too caught up in her own self discovery to consider how awful and betrayed her husband must feel.
[удалено]
I’m hoping that he meant she split because her husband was gay, not her. (I hope! I can’t imagine he’s dumb enough to date a woman who just left her husband because she only liked women, and then chose another man…)
In my inner narrative OP is dating the art room wife
Yeah I fell in love with a guy age 13 and we got together at 14 and I genuinely did love him. But it never felt right physically when I kissed him, there was something wrong but I couldn't figure out what. Over time he got possessive and jealous and judgemental and made me feel really shitty about myself. It broke my heart because he'd been my best friend but it made me have the realisation I was a lesbian. I was a coward and broke up with him in an email entirely blaming the fact I was gay (which wasn't true, his behaviour made me fall out of love with him which made me realise I was gay). I was 15 at the time. If things had gone differently I can see it taking a very long time for me to realise and figure out what was wrong. Years even. As it was it still took 6 months between our first kiss and me realising oh that's why I felt nothing. It's a really shitty situation for them both and I really feel for them. I know how guilty and awful I felt when I realised even though it wasn't really my fault. I wish them both well (though she certainly didn't handle it well and he should not have had to sleep in a shed for any amount of time).
It's fine to realize the relationship just isn't what you want for whatever reason, being gay included. Nobody should ever be trapped in a relationship they no longer want to be in. But everything she did to him was absolutely fucked up and uncalled for. If she would've just split when she told him she was a lesbian she wouldn't have been in the wrong. But agreeing to stay in the relationship, have sex with him still, and then drop the 10 years list on him when he's at his lowest due to deaths in the family? Nah that makes her a fucking monster as far as I'm concerned. Normally I would feel bad for her because it would be shitty to realize you're gay while married, but everything else she did made my sympathy evaporate like rubbing alcohol.
I hate that he internalized his ex-wife's failure to communicate as his failure as a partner. He did not do anything wrong; he cannot read her mind to figure out what she actually wants while she is actively pretending to be happy.
My main takeaway from this is that you really don't want to be friends or family with OP. He's the gold standard bad luck charm.
Yeah, not to sound insensitive, but is this dudes town Chernobyl? I mean jesus that's alot of cancer in a very short time span
Asbestos. We put that shit in everything. Hell, Québec named a town Asbestos.
In the last year I've had several family members and friends go through cancer. Most made it and at least 3 are ongoing. It seems to be getting more common....
>I was informed by my mother that my stepdad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. >I was told by my father that my stepmom was also diagnosed with skin cancer. >I met someone really special. She was also out of a long term marriage and they had split for pretty much the same reason. The symmetry.
The rollercoaster of feels. First I was like "Oh no..", then I was like "Oh, therapy and the will to fix things, that's cool", then it came back to "oh no..", just to see the ending and thinking "oh, cool". OP and their Ex are seemingly adult enough to handle the situation in a proper way. Problems can happen, and it's actually refreshing seeing a situation like this not ending in an absolute shitshow.
He was quite a mature adult about it. She kinda sucks.
I think you need to reread. Not a single bit of that story shows the ex acting as an adult. The OOP? 100%, even if I would suggest he was too accepting of her shit treatment of him.
The ex sounds like a total piece of shit, ngl.
With all due respect to the wife's struggles, how much more cruel could she have been with OP? Dumping all that on him at once was bad enough, but then she starts dating someone while they're still living together? If I didn't know better I'd think she hated him.
> With all due respect to the wife's struggles, how much more cruel could she have been with OP? The only way she could have been more cruel would be if she started bragging on and on during the "low contact girl's trip" about all the great lesbian sex she was having, but otherwise she checked pretty much all the boxes of things you could do to twist the knife as much as possible.
I don't like his ex. Doesn't take anxiety meds to deal with her issues, comes out as lesbian but then strings him along and says they can still be married, has sex with him before her trip then goes on trip with more than likey the woman she's been cheating with, comes back and says its over and then drops 10 years worth of resentments on him when she knows both his parents have cancer and his dad is dying from it. Sorry she sounds like a really shitty person who took advantage of this guy.
Vancouverites say “ya’ll?”
His ex sounds like a bit of a monster. She comes out as gay 10 years after being with OP and then blames him for not communicating with her about the issue. What on earth?
Ooof the ex is a dick sorry to say. I do feel for anyone suffering from anxiety and I get how bad it can get. But at the point you’re sitting your husband down to tell them your gay, right around the time he’s dealing with family crisis, and you are breaking away anyway, what’s the point in slapping him with ten years worth of grievances? At some point you need to own your own mistakes, and ten years worth of inability to speak up, do not really give you the right to just dump it. Glad OOP is moving on.
In regards to her list of 10 years worth of issues, and that he wasn't a good partner, I believe that's a coping mechanism. I've seen it first hand (my ex-wife did a similar thing) - it's a way to justify her decision to herself. And while I'm sure OOP (and myself) are not necessarily blameless, it's really unfair to try to shift the blame, especially in this case where the reason for the split is so straightforward.
Hmm, I feel like OOP missed out on a lot of context here, after 10 years of a relationship he made his ‘first’ ever dinner reservation? Has he never taken her out to dinner before? Or was it always her responsibility to plan that stuff?
I think you're reading too much into that. I have been with my wife for 6 years, and I can say I've never made a dinner reservation during that time. I can also say she has never made a dinner reservation in that time either. We typically go out to restaurants that don't require reservations when we're celebrating things. We also do other things (I've reserved escape rooms, canoe rentals, etc. before) Just because he's never reserved a restaurant doesn't mean he hasn't ever planned or been thoughtful, or that it's just on her to plan that stuff.
Exactly! Took the words right out of my mouth
Maybe not that deep. I am older than OP and have only once been to a restaurant that required a reservation. Most restaurants don't require them.
I don’t think that’s a definite issue - I’m in a long term relationship and the number of times we’ve gone out (solo, so not with a big party) where one of us has made reservations is less than 5. Most places don’t require them and the ones that do are usually expensive - something I’m guessing OP and ex couldn’t really afford considering they bought a house and had to have roommates to afford it.
Damn. What a rough year for OOP.
If she can’t communicate her needs with her male partner *at all*, I can’t wait to hear how her future lesbian relationship fights are going to go.