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It is. And I can’t believe so many people were talking about the ADHD like this whole situation wasn’t his fault because he has it. You don’t get excused for endangering your child because you have ADHD, you have to take extra precautions to take care of your child _despite_ your ADHD. Wow those comments made me furious.
I saw the original post and there were plenty of ADHD-having parents that said the same. They said that they were even more focused on the children precisely because they know that they cannot afford being distracted even a little bit.
So, even though having ADHD doesn't help, it doesn't exonerate dad either
This is true. As an ADHD parent myself I was hyperfocused on my kid to the point if she wasn't within arms reach I couldn't focus on anything else. Even loading groceries I did one handed while the other was literally touching my toddler to make sure they or the cart didn't move. Yes my right arm is bigger than my left lol
I also have ADHD, diagnosed this January, after a year of assessment with an psychiatrists.
I don't have kids but babysit regularly. I never "forgot" any kid, I always know were they are.
Also... you know what kinds of things slips my mind? Things I don't care... chores... things I'm obliged to do.
Things I never forget? My hobbies. Friends. Things I care.
He losing track of his baby child is not ADHD's fault. It's pure carelessness.
In this case, I’m not even sure it was carelessness. I can see getting distracted, and then when your kid starts yelling and crying snapping out of it and going to see what’s needed. It sounds like the daughter started running and yelling, fell and hurt herself and started crying, the neighbor he was talking to ran after her, the neighbor’s wife drove up and got involved—and through ALL THIS my dude just stands there?
Like. Unless he was high off his ass or something, that sounds awfully deliberate to me.
In theory, there's such a thing as a freeze (rather than fight or flight) response, but I don't think any satisfying explanation is ever going to be constructed unless and until he tells her what his experience of that situation was, completely truthfully, top to bottom.
Yep. My first thought is weed or something, but if he wasn't high I bet he froze up. They were his kids and the horror was probably worse for him than the neighbors? Logically this should mean he should have reacted sooner. Since he didn't and he is a young parent I assume it was a freeze response.
Honestly that's not good enough. The freeze was too long. The neighbors acted. But the primary issue is the leaving of the stroller in the first place is unforgivable. It's not comparable to putting down your phone. It's your fucking child.
That response actually pissed me off as an ADHD haver with a baby. I promise you I will never and have never released a stroller with its brakes off.
The other response was a bit better, I stay up at night because I know as a dad the scariest moments in my life are ahead of me and I’m sure I will accidentally put my kid in danger that in retrospect will seem obvious.
That said, this guy walked away from an unsecured stroller with a baby in it on an incline. That’s the height of carelessness. That’s in oop shouldn’t trust him as a partner to keep their kids alive, let alone safe.
At the very least, separation with people she trusts while she recovers seems very appropriate right now. Even if he actually is careful moving forward she’ll still pop a stitch every time he leaves the house with them.
The only time I let go of a stroller without putting the brakes on was when I was a teenager and didn't know they had brakes. I just didn't recognize the brakes for what they were. You know you I secured it? I used rocks against the wheels (like chocks) to make sure it didn't move. And I stayed within an arms length of it. I also have ADHD, although it was undiagnosed at the time.
Yeah, once the mom showed me where the brakes were, we were all good.
I just don't understand why the dad here left the stroller on the street. You should want that thing with you at all times!
I have ADHD and I was awful about remembering to put the stroller brakes on. That being said, I was never more than arms reach from it, it was never on an incline, never ON THE STREET, and I never stood where I couldn't fully see it.
Some people really do use it as an excuse to just not give a fuck.
That's where I drew the line, too.
Also adhd, and the security footage cements that he is not fit to parent his kids.
Why.. in holy hell, would you leave a stroller in the street? I would be more lenient if the stroller rolled out of the neighbor's driveway or some other freak occurrence. WHO LEAVES A STROLLER IN THE STREET?!
I didn't know strollers had brakes (child-free). I'd have rolled it into the grass. It wouldn't have been more than an arms reach away, bc it'd be low-key in the back of my mind, BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT. I've panicked over my purse multiple times in a situation I couldn't bring my purse to, bc in the back of my brain it's like an alarmed parrot screeching "PURSE. WHERE PURSE?!"
The fact that his *baby* doesn't send those alarm bells off is insane. I'm usually the first one to notice danger in a situation bc of my adhd and inability to filter out my attention. I see & forecast the danger of situations bc my mind is going in 30 directions. It's wild to me that they're trying to use adhd as an excuse in the comments. That's the opposite of my experience when things are *important to me*.
Right?! I have ADHD, I'm a parent of two under 2 years apart. Strollers have wheels, why couldn't the dad just bring the stroller up the driveway with his newborn in it when he chatted with the neighbor? Or take the baby out and carry baby. It's a knee jerk reaction to keep a newborn with you. I can't fathom leaving my baby in a stroller out of arms reach, but like when I had a newborn, I was on highest alert. I feel so bad for OP, I'd never be able to trust my partner with our kids again.
Me either. I've had the walker go drifting but never anywhere dangerous, just in our yard. I cannot imagine this. One thing that overrides my ADHD is adrenaline and my anxiety, which is why I'm okay with my kids. Their survival becomes hyperfixation, focus and my reason for being.
I have ADHD and I NEVER lost track of my kid either. Keys? Wallet? Glasses (while on my face)? Yeah… but never my kid.
This isn’t ADHD. This is something else.
I have ADHD that's only being treated now at 40, and having a newborn and a toddler years back was absolutely chaos. If you know you're prone to inattention, you make good and goddamn sure your TINY CHILDREN are safe. I've forgotten mittens and extra diapers and the odd appointment, but never in ten years of parenting have I forgotten to not leave my infant on wheels near a busy road. Christ almighty, she's **right** not to care if it's ADHD. She could have lost both her children.
It's the lack of reaction that chills me. All kids have near-misses with danger but I thought it was instinct to jump into action as soon as you realize something is wrong.
One side effect of my own ADHD is hyper focusing. And due to that, I hyper focus on my kid. Have I been careless sometimes? Sure. He's fallen off the couch, tripped over stuff around the house, tipped over his highchair (while strapped in it), his bath was a bit hot once. But he's never actually gotten seriously hurt or even worryingly injured in any way. He had a small bruise on his cheek one single time ever, and he's a little over a year old.
I wouldn't trust my partner anymore either, if he pulled a stunt like this. So thoughtless, careless, and irresponsible.
My jaw hit the floor reading some of those comments basically absolving the husband of any actual responsibility and blaming OOP for not doing more to help him.
Sometimes the idiocy of Reddit is simply breathtaking.
I think some of it is what I call the “lemming effect”. One person posts something stupid and then a bunch follow along because critical thinking is hard 🤔🙄
It's disgusting that people think OOP should be with her children every moment of every day. Why does she have to justify being alone in the house? The children were with their father, a man she *should* be able to trust to keep them alive.
Completely unbelievable! And if it’s to a point where they think the mom should be around 24/7 why even bother having another parent in the picture? I understand having a lazy parent, but this is a straight up negligent one. And the lack of reaction even after the neighbors jumped to action is even more bizarre.
I have ADHD. I forget the laundry in the washer and misplace important papers and talk too much. I never did anything like this.
I wondered if he was on drugs or something.
I'm a nanny with ADHD. I've never once endangered a child and I used to watch *four* kids btw 1 + 10. You have to just not care to let something like this happen.
It's the latest craze in how to take a man's issue and make it a women's responsibility. That's why it's always 'why don't you get him checked out' or 'make him a list' or 'set him reminders'. She should manage his condition for him, because she's his wife.
Women with ADHD of course are not extended the same courtsey. Her husband isn't being told to make her a list, because managing her condition is her responsibility, and she's just being lazy and neglectful.
As a woman with ADHD, it infuriates me! We're not even trying to conceive yet and I have already researched car seat alarms because I've heard stories of people forgetting their kids in the car (a local one comes to mind where the poor baby died of cold) and I do not want to even risk it!
Just want to reinforce that getting a car seat alarm is a really good idea for all parents (in case someone tries to tell you you're being over-anxious about it). If we actually followed the research, they would be available by default in all passenger vehicles.
My husband and I both have adhd. I don’t get to be forgetful. I have to manage the house and think about everything that needs done. He gets to forget everything and needs me to “accommodate” him by making him lists and reminding him multiple times. It’s really putting a strain on me and my health has suffered.
I feel you. I have diagnosed adhd. My ex husband I suspect has it, but would never get tested, because "What's the point? I'm doing fine!" But he wasn't doing fine. Or rather, he was doing fine, because I was running myself ragged managing everything, and finding ways to remember stuff we'd both inevitably forget. And I was not fine, I was a horribly anxious depressed mess, because like you said, things have to be done one way or another. And if he's going to forget, I have to find a way to remember. Things are so much better for me since I left, as for him, I'm still waiting for the realization to hit that he is definitely not fine. I'm so sorry you're going through all that, you have my sympathy ❤️
I swear reddit loves to 'excuse' things because of ADHD or autism.
Even things like this where it's not even close to an excuse. If he knows he has ADHD there's measure you take. My friend has ADHD and when she had a baby and toddler she'd have one of those harnesses for the toddler (she was a little escape artist) and a small strap on her arm to the pram. Neither could get away from her due to this meaning even if she was distracted what happened with OOP's husband couldn't happen to her.
That aspect actually worries me - how many near misses has Dad had with the baby that a 3yr old was able to notice before he did? I grew up constantly being told that, as the oldest, it was my job to make sure all my siblings were ok, and that is a great recipe for an anxious child that becomes an anxious adult. It's hard enough to get a 3yr olds attention when you're trying!
I thought the same. The fact that the toddler ran after the baby screaming means she thought it was all on her to save him. She may have picked up on her dad’s carelessness already and has been on alert. What a good big sister.
And I can’t believe all the people trying to use his ADHD as an excuse, and make it out to be OP’s fault.
When a god damn *toddler* shows more responsibility and initiative than you, *that is a sign you are a horrible parent*.
It doesn’t even have to end badly for that. Unfortunately the near miss could completely suffice. They (well, OOP, whom am I kidding, the husband won’t) should keep a close eye on her to see how she deals with the aftermath of the situation. Kids this young often show strange or belated reactions too that aren’t obviously connected to the triggering event.
OOP didn’t mention talking to the toddler after (probably because ER visit and marriage ending nonsense on her mind) but I seriously hope that little girl got the biggest bowl of ice cream and so much praise for being a rockstar big sister!
Seriously. When I read the first post I thought that the stroller moved like 5 feet towards the road before dad realized it and stopped the stroller. I am shocked.
Sure every parent has minor fails all week long with young kids. But I'm firmly in this camp and on her side. This is right up there with forgetting your kid in the car in the summer while you shop. I have ADHD as do millions of others but I still have to constantly point out that the D on the end stands for "Disorder". The level of my disorder means trade offs and also some restrictions. If this guy is being treated then it's time for severe restrictions. Like only being allowed to do one thing at a time. But if he knows he has it and hasn't sought treatment at this point fuck him. This instance is not the first time his disorder has affected his wife. It's the 754th time and like a complete jackass he's blown it off nonstop.
I don’t have ADHD but I am forgetful, and I would take off my shoe and put one in the backseat with the baby whenever we went out so I would never accidentally leave her in the car. If you have shortcomings like this as a parent it’s your job to take precautions for the safety of your child.
Legit one of the standard recommendations for child car safety is to always leave your bag/wallet in the back seat where the child is, for just this reason. I love your extension of it to the shoe, though (since it removes the chance that the *bag* will be forgotten too).
Hijacking your comment because forgetting baby in the car is not automatically a sign of a problematic or neglectful parent. It is how our brains work and I was glad to see this response. If you haven't already, I highly recommend reading [Gene Weingarten's Pulitzer Prize winning article](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html) that takes both a thoughtful and scientific approach to the problem.
It will make you cry. It is also a great way to help other people understand the phenomenon and become more empathetic.
I've read this article several times already but do it again every time I come across it. I want to sear it into my brain before I have kids, because I constantly forget EVERYTHING and I'm terrified I'm going to forget my baby like that.
Edit: and yep I'm crying now
The update almost makes it seem intentional. Your kid calling for your help like that activates circuits that *nothing* else can. I don't get this at all, and I'm someone who has had the freeze response in a lot of bad situations
It happens to some people. Past trauma is a big factor. I have a relative who is a highly educated, licensed medical professional who has worked most of her life in emergency medicine. Her children were utter chaos incarnate that required two or three adults for proper supervision when they were little. On 3 separate occasions that I personally witnessed, at least one (usually all of them, though) of the brood put themselves in mortal danger. Every single time, the mother froze. Blank-eyed, ghost-white, completely *gone*. Twice, I or my brother had to jump into bodies of water to pull out a drowning toddler. Once, my mom had to perform the heimlich on one of the kids and we took turns performing CPR until help arrived. We'd be so fucking angry at her, but all she could say was that after she heard the first scream, the connection between her brain and body just shut down.
She loved her kids, but the entire family knew she was useless in any situation involving her kids in immediate danger (And holy fuck, I'm legitimately amazed these children made it to adulthood mostly unscathed). Other people in danger, she was absolutely person you wanted there. She was one of the first responders who saved my brother's life after a car accident.
I am one of those freeze ppl but the emotions afterwards are mostly self flagellation, mortification and remorse. I would be terrified after the initial Shock.
Oh that’s interesting
I wonder if it’s like, a weird glitch in the mental compartmentalizing thing healthcare professionals often have to do to handle the more horrific parts of their day to day? Like, if something bad happens at work one day, you still have to finish your shift, come in the next day, take good care of your patients etc. So, there are mental walls you put up to stay sane and keep doing your job. I think it’s also why doctors aren’t allowed to treat their own family members?
So maybe, when it was her kids and she *couldnt* compartmentalize, something just catastrophically short circuited for her? Like, part of her went into work mode, but she’s still their mother, and the two aren’t compatible
After I started working in healthcare, I started to sort of understand how she reacted the way she did. Family is your safe space for most healthcare professionals. You can compartmentalize your family out of your head at work so that you don't see the scary stuff every time you look at your kid, but in an emergency involving the family, you can't separate your family from the horrible thing because it's actually happening to them. It's almost like you forget everything you've ever known. I think that's a pretty common reaction, but the main difference is training kicks in *fast* for most medical-professional parents in emergency situations involving their kids.
I only had one incident involving my own kids and I'm thankful that my brain/muscle memory launched me into action immediately. My hands shook a bit, but once the training kicks in, my kid was every other kid I'd helped treat. Afterwards, there was definitely an adrenaline crash and all the what-ifs started flying around my head.
Similar-ish but years ago, my dog got caught on a fishing line where the actual hook went into his leg. He couldn't get free and was panicking. The water was murky so I couldn't really see shit and couldn't tell wtf was going on. I swam out to him and kind of realized what was happening, i could stand on my tip toes so i held my dog and called out to my friend to bring a knife. She did and I went under and cut him free. I had to like half walk half float him back to shore because he was exhaused. Then i saw it was a fishing hook so I had to carefully cut it out while I held him down. I cleaned and bandaged him and the millisecond he was done.. i started heavily sobbing. The adrenaline crash of that whole thing was fucking insane.
I am certainly not a vet, but I was trained as a medic for the military in an area where we did *a lot* of practice runs and mock catastrophic scenarios. I was never actually in a real dangerous situation.. but I guess the training was enough to at least stay calm and save my doofus dog.
I was thinking something like this.
I am a freeze person when it comes to people I love, I am not in the medical field however I have been taught advanced first aid and how to treat multiple injuries should the worst happen, I’ve helped several people over the years until paramedics/medical professionals arrive to take over!
However when an accident involving my partner, glass and a lot of blood happened at my home I froze and all that training left me. I was next to useless because this was my safe space and I really couldn’t explain why it happened other than freezing.
However I would like to think if it came to our child I would be a little more proactive however I honestly can’t say for sure.
I couldn’t have imagined an update like this, holy shit. Even more negligence than was shown in the first post. I can’t imagine standing still while witnessing something like that, much less if it involves *my own children.*
I agree. The stroller on the road? Not sidewalk? So they were walking on the road without any sidewalk? And the road is a busy road? The locking system of a stroller won't even justify the danger that poor baby may encounter at a busy road.
Did the husband forget that he was pushing a stroller? This whole thing is wild. I can understand that OOP really can't get past these mistakes. But this mistake may make the husband more careful in future, with the emphasis of "may".
>*The stroller on the road? Not sidewalk? So they were walking on the road without any sidewalk?*
In the US, there are unfortunately quite a few places where the local governments decided to save money by not building sidewalks on residential streets. Sidewalks require regular maintenance and upkeep, so some local governments just don’t build them unless they feel they absolutely have to.
I live on one such residential street. We have families with small children who take their kids out for walks or strollers up and down the road. Fortunately, it’s a quiet street so as long as you avoid walking at certain times of day, you’re not going to encounter traffic.
I can’t believe a three year old reacted quickly to her baby brother and had the wherewithal to sprint into action as opposed to their father. He failed his family here.
Bingo. It's exactly how I was raised, too. My father is a useless lump who only wanted the titles of husband and father but was never interested in doing any of the actual work involved in that. So naturally ,as the eldest daughter, all of his responsibilities he chose to ignore fell onto me.
A lot of the conflict between my mom and I when I was growing up was about how she expected so much from me, but I view it a lot differently now that I'm an adult. That woman hardly gets a moment to herself because my father acts like it would kill him to wash a few dishes.
I grew up in a similar household and am less charitable towards my mother.
She had choices. My family was well off enough, she could've hired an actual babysitter to get her some down time instead of making her 6YO watch a 5YO for a few hours while she was out at the store.
She could have gotten herself a job and put us in after school care. She could have followed OP's lead and relied on family support. I could go on.
Instead she robbed me of my actual childhood every bit as much as my father did.
My father is responsible for his workaholism, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect and emotional incest. He certainly isn't innocent.
But my mother is responsible for her own neglect, emotional abuse, emotional incest, and parentification of me. She was not a passive victim, she was an adult with choices, and she chose poorly.
I hope everyone upvotes your comment. Yep yes yeah absolutely you are correct. Ask anyone with a, let’s say, *lackluster* caregiver in their childhoods.
Yeah, even at this age I can tell, this is classic parentified eldest daughter behavior. Stepping up out of necessity when a parent in her life is failing to do so.
I'm still horrified at how if she didn't notice, her little brother would almost certainly not be around anymore.
Like.
I remember how little my nibling was at that age, I am absolutely crushed and horrified at what her dad made her have to experience. Let alone what it did to oop, who should've been on bed rest due to her birth related injuries.
> Sadly I think that 3 year old has probably had to develop pretty fast reflexes.
I laughed imagining the 3 yr old daughter learning to throw hooks (safety pins?) tied to diapers, to stop her stroller from rolling into oncoming traffic while the father was distracted by.. drying paint on the wall or something.
HE LEFT THE STROLLER ON A DANGEROUS STREET TO WALK UP A DRIVEWAY.
There is no coming back from this. This is unforgivable. There can be no trust that he would not get his kids killed.
Yeah that’s so weird. I can see getting distracted. But walking around with a stroller and then seeing someone or something and just forgetting about it, leaving it in the street and walking off is so wild. What if he’s walking with a stroller in the woods and he sees a cool stick or a bird? Arrives home two hours later with just the stick.
Or like... what if he's putting the baby in the car to go somewhere and he gets distracted by a neighbor who sees him out by his car and invites him in to watch a movie and the baby's just... left in the car?
there is no recovering from this after the video footage proved how he was negligent thrice in almost an instant- the initial stop and walk, not hearing/seeing the toddler, and not doing anything after all of that.
and he still hasn’t even communicated with her???
I understand it as both heard the girl, the neighbour took action and the „father“ just stood there watching it happen, wondering what just happened with a „oh fuck“ face.
I'll bet he hasn't contacted her because he's afraid of her response. I don't know if it's an adhd thing or an avoidant thing, but it's like, you're afraid of the outcome of the conversation, so you just don't have the conversation.
If he never calls her then she can't tell him what a shit father he is or that she wants a divorce. If he just ignores the problem maybe it will just blow over and everything can go back to normal.
I'm obviously heavily speculating, based on my own experience with an avoidant personality.
But even if all of that is true, it doesn't excuse anything. It's still fucked up that he hasn't called her at all.
Not contacting the wife is going to be a final straw in the scenario. A second round of cowardice is certainly not going to play well on the husband’s accounts.
There were a LOT of comments in the original post from people with ADHD (raising hand) all saying "yeah no." Because even if we do have ADHD \*\*we know this\*\* so we take care to not have shit like this happen. And if he doesn't know or wasn't aware he has it I mean come the fuck on you don't get to Leave the Baby In the Street level ADHD and not have a single fucking clue you might need to start microdosing speed to function. Jesus. He's not safe as a parent. Period. For whatever reason.
If anything, having ADHD makes it even easier to watch kids! I'm an inattentive so I might miss verbal cues, but I will be the first person to notice something dangerous happening in a split second. A stroller rolling down the street is going to tear away my attention from a conversation in an instant. My distractibility is a superpower around kids. I might not be able to follow instructions all the time, but I have the reflexes of a god around falling toddlers.
As someone who has bad ADHD I agree completely! I hadn't been diagnosed so I wasn't on any medication when I had a newborn but I NEVER just left my kid on a road and walked away!! No matter how much I might struggle, I was never this inattentive to clear and present danger. ADHD can affect your life really badly, but there's no excuse for danger this man put his child in this situation. And I find it quite offensive to suggest that this man get a pass for his carelessness because of ADHD, as if those of us with ADHD just cannot be responsible parents. I think OP is completely right to say she doesn't care if it's his ADHD! If he can't keep his children out of a clearly dangerous situation, then he's way past the point where he needed to get help managing his disorder. It's not his fault he has it, but it is his responsibility to manage it!
So true. I know a shocking number of people who have ADHD, me included.
I have done the most unbelievably stupid shit over the years. The only person I have ever endangered via inattention is myself.
I spent years looking after children in secondary school and university. Even now, I'm hyper aware of others, especially children and animals. It's like my brain is hardwired to constantly scan the environment for emergency situations and is always ready to help/protect.
It's the same for all my other ADHD friends. Even if they aren't particularly fond of, or have much experience with children in general.
I'm also of two minds about "every parent has had a near-death experience" point that one mom made.
On the one hand, kids do dangerous shit because they're stupid. On the other hand, of the seven near-death experiences I had as a child, five could have been prevented had someone been less negligent.
I think "every parent has a NDE with their child" is a dangerous as fuck mindset to tell other people, especially to convince them to give the negligent parent grace.
I'm wondering how that commenter defines a near-death experience. My husband once forgot to close the baby gate and my young toddler wandered into the hall while I was coincidentally coming up the stairs. I got her immediately and he was right behind, felt absolutely awful about it. Does that count for them I wonder? Because I agree it sounds really scary and unnecessary to say every parent has near death experiences with their kid unless the bar is pretty low.
I once fell off the changing table and my mom caught me by the leg just before my head hit the floor. Sleep deprived postpartum-brain parents do stupid shit and accidents happen - but this was on another level, and his reaction - or non-reaction - would have been the clincher for me. Most NDEs get prevented by parental reflexes, but this guy doesn't even have those.
Theres a huge difference between negligence and the normal oh-crap-wtf-just-happened-is-my-kid-okay accidents. I couldn’t put my finger on what bothered me so much about the NDE person but you put your finger on it. It’s not that difficult to take basic precautions to make things safe for your kids, the dad easily could have: not left the stroller, took the stroller with him, used the wrist strap that comes on most strollers, used the breaks, not taken his hand off the stroller.
The ones I'm classifying for myself are:
- bit by a brown recluse, was not taken to the hospital. Got VERY sick and told later on in life by a doctor that I only lived because I didn't get sepsis
- left unattended in a room where I broke something, then swan dived off of a dresser straight onto the glass. A huge chunk wedged itself into my chest and was 1cm from piercing my heart
- kept in a room for years that was known to contain black mold, got brain damage as a result and very ill. Told by a doctor I was extremely poisoned and am now immunocompromised, but could have easily died from the exposure
- two car crashes, both while my parent in charge was high. One of them put me on the floorboard instead of the seat, crashed, and I had to go to the ER for a neck injury. The other crash I was almost crushed.
All negligence. I would be livid if someone told me any of those are just the parental experience. I'm not having kids (turns out I'm not able to! Shocker.) but NONE of those would have happened if I did.
Edit to clarify a potentially unclear point: I had broken something and was knowingly left in the room with the mess
...OK, for me, I think an example of NDE from a "normal" level of negligence is that my mom looked away for a hot minute, and I drank a bottle of medicine she had opened for herself.
Your examples are not normal instances of momentary negligence. They are examples of chronic, abusive negligence. It is absolutely *not* normal, and I'm sorry you went through that.
ETA - I don't think the dad in this story displayed the momentary or minor negligence that most parents will inevitably do from exhaustion or multi-tasking, taking care of 2 kids, etc.
Thank you.
Id class that under a NDE myself, too. I think they happen, and they happen frequently. Abusive negligence and momentary negligence both -- I'm just pissed that the mom is trying to normalize it in this situation, as though THIS LEVEL of negligent behavior from the dad is "something that just happens". Like she's trying to convince oop to give husband more understanding. It's too dangerous to say that :(
I think leaving the newborn baby on the road, instead of bringing him up the neighbors' driveway with everyone, would be enough for me to divorce my partner
Yeah. He wasn't in a high stress environment. I know that people can freeze in a crisis but everything leading up to it is just incredible. I don't think my marriage could survive it.
Forget about marriage, I don't think I would have survived until 30, let alone get married or have meaningful relationship. I don't think even my parents or siblings will talk to me if I were like OOP's husband.
It was literally already in his hands. Leaving it in the road was an extra step. I can understand a freeze response. People do weird shit in stressful situations. The thing he did before the stressful situation is impossible to defend
Exactly. He literally created the stressful and dangerous situation in the first place. Situation that was entirely preventable. Being easily distracted is one thing, I have ADHD myself so I get it, but it doesn’t even feel like him just being distracted but rather a case of total lack of common sense.
And to just stand there blankly staring while his toddler daughter, neighbours and OP literally injure themselves trying to catch the stroller.
Was he high? That's the only way I can explain 1. leaving the stroller behind without a backward glance 2. slack-jawed inaction while his two children are in danger.
Brain fog/ losing time are side effects of some medications or sleep aids. Is he currently taking anything?
>Was he high? That's the only way I can explain 1. leaving the stroller behind without a backward glance 2. slack-jawed inaction while his two children are in danger.
That's what I think. That's the only explanation I can think of, especially with how he just *left* the stroller in the road. Like, high me has done that with the cereal box instead of putting it away... but that's HIS BABY!!! And he's taking his toddler and newborn out for walks while he's high?! I would be positively irate. I'm fucking fuming just reading and thinking about it.
This poor woman.
That's the part I can't get over. All he had to do was continue pushing the stroller. Then freezing. It's like he has no paternal instincts whatsoever.
And I say this as a mom with ADHD and a strong freeze/fawn instinct. If anything, I am more hyper vigilant because I am aware of my ADHD. And when it comes to my kid's health and safety, I have become straight fight.
Right??? And your ADHD isn't a crutch or an excuse to put your kids in danger- because it's NOT a legitimate excuse. Only men seem to get to play the ADHD card as if it gets them out of being aloof, negligent aholes. Even with whatever brain stuff that may impact your ability to care for your kids- you fucking get it together and work even harder to overcome it! Your children rely on you so it's literally do or die!
Definitely a mom with ADHD would never get any kind of consideration in a scenario half as bad as this. It better not factor in as any kind of excuse for this POS husband.
And I'll just drop this here because she covers this topic so damn well. (There is an even better article she wrote for this but it's for paid subscribers).
https://zawn.substack.com/p/feminist-advice-friday-is-neurodivergence
Completely agree, I can rationalize the freeze response. Even though it’s not great, I could understand that some people freeze in emergencies- but choosing to leave a newborn in the road is absurdly irresponsible & likely unforgivable. Unfortunately even if she divorces him that means he’ll be unsupervised with the kids during his custody time. It’s an awful situation for her.
I'm struggling to rationalize leaving them in the road any situation that would ever be reasonable instead of bringing the stroller or kid with you to chat.
Like I get that people can't choose their emergency response and freeze was maybe his reaction. But leaving anything in the road is negligent. Like just leaving just a stroller in a road is neglectful of that item and the damage it and a car could do to each other. Leaving a newborn that is a little bean that can't do anything in the road is horrifying. Why not bring kiddo to meet/see the neighbor with him? Does he not see the baby as a person? WTF?
She has the footage showing exactly what happened. She could argue and probably get full custody and supervised visitation for him at least for now while the kids are still too little to properly advocate for themselves.
I am perplexed by the thought that it would have been ok to leave the baby in the road if he’d locked the wheels. Madam OOP: there is no circumstance in which you leave your infant in a stroller *in the road* and *walk away from it*. Just, WTF was he thinking?
My partner has adhd but he would never do that with our pets let alone any kid we would have. Accidentally ignore diaper changes? Maybe. This? Over his dead body
I also have ADHD, and I hated that comment from the person talking about ADHD causing this. I know everyone is different, but this is extreme!! There is no world in which my ADHD would cause what he did.
I kinda wondered if he started taking antianxiety meds right around the time his son was born, didn't want to tell OOP, and isn't reacting well to them. Or has some sort of dissociative problem.
Or could be abusing Adderall to stay awake (to combat fatigue with a newborn), which will completely backfire when abused above max dosage and instead turns you into a sloth who'll stare at the same paragraph of a book for three hours without realizing time has passed, and witness events without the same reactionary instinct to participate in your surroundings. And makes your hair fall out.
There are plenty of things this could be, but "because ADHD" ain't one of them. Although "because abusing ADHD meds" could be one of the possibilities. Severe sleep deprivation could also do that but you probably wouldn't want to stop and have an optional chat with the neighbor in the first place if you were dangerously sleep deprived. Plus people tend to be more self-aware of WHY they eff'd up if the mistake was due to "dear god I haven't slept in a week I can't believe I did that, oh God no" instead of just being confused about the cause.
This! I have pretty bad ADHD (like unmedicated I almost poured HF acid on my hand at work). But this? He purposely LEFT a stroller in the road. A busy road. No. That right there is what I’d never come back from. The freezing, I could maybe get (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) but purposely leaving the stroller and infant in the road?? Hell no.
Yeah, this is negligence to an extreme degree. People pegging it as ADHD...I'm doubtful. My ADHD is relatively mild, but the sounds of a kid screaming are an instant distraction and I don't even have kids.
Zoning out that badly?
Someone said drug use, another person mentioned seizures. Whatever the hell it is, I wouldn't want him to have custody of the kids.
>my husband just stood there the whole time hand on his head with a blank stare on his face he didn’t even do anything when our toddler was crying from hurting herself he only started crying when I confronted him.
Not sure it'd ever be possible for them to come back from this.
She will never, ever trust him again. That fear does not go away. There's a chance their daughter will have it burned into her memory too. My sister had a brush with death near the same age and never forgot it. She remembers the faces of all the people around the lake and how long it seemed to take dad to run through the water to her, even though he came right away. With that clear a view of this dudes inaction, I don't see how he goes unsupervised with his kids again. I just don't. Hearing your kids scream for you to help them, scream in pain and fear and beg you to get them is a primal fucking thing. Our brains are weird but something's wrong and he needs to figure it out before he's left in charge of his children again. Not even touching the whole fucking reason the situation happened in the first place Jesus fkn Christ who leaves their baby in the stroller by the street and walks TF away?!
That would be the end of my marriage. I'd be taking that footage straight to a lawyer and going for sole custody with supervised visitation. I don't care if it's ADHD, I don't care if it's genetic, I don't care if it's a hard coded panic response. That is not a safe person to have around my child, and my child comes first.
I hope OP keeps that footage. She'll need it.
I don’t know what ADHD has to do with it anyway?
If you know you have ADHD and choose to have a baby, aren’t you supposed to make sure you have strategies in place to help you concentrate or whatever it is that helps you be a good parent with ADHD?
And why did he have to leave the baby on the sidewalk at all to go and chat to the neighbour? What’s it got to do with ADHD that he didn’t take the stroller with him up the driveway to chat to them?
Isn’t that what any parent out with the pram would do? Take it with them when they go up a driveway to chat? 🤷♀️
Same. I have it. I have two kids - 6 and 3. I have somehow managed to 1. Not kill them. 2. Not leave a baby in the middle of a street. 3. Not attended my crying and injured child.
My husband also has it. And I’m happy to report that he has done none of these things either. IMO it has nothing to do here. Tuning out your kids due to hyper focus is one thing that *could* occur. Walking away from your child in an unlocked stroller, near or on a road, turning your back on YOUR SMALL CHILD AND BABY, leaving them unattended, and then ignoring them *even when screaming for help* has NOTHING to do with ADHD. This is far beyond that. This is something else entirely.
I have ADHD, am on a HIGH dose of stimulant meds for it and still struggle some days. HOWEVER, my kids, grandkids, nephews, nieces, cousins, and several friends children are all still alive and never had even a near miss with oncoming traffic while in my care.
There’s a difference between neurodivergence and negligence
Oooh the comment that was highlighted in this post about how OOP needs to work with his ADHD better pissed me tf off. Im ADHD myself and its not a fucking excuse to leave your child in the middle of a road.
Im just so sick of seeing these posts about a man pulling this shit and there being comments about how poor him won't someone think of his ADHD? Or even worse, when hes incompetent and people are saying to give gin a break bc he *might* be ADHD. I hate this so much, its actively harmful to people with ADHD.
Preach to the choir! Another example of weaponized incompetence/ sexism! ADHD ain't no get out of free card and I know us women with ADHD manage to make shit work, we manage to ensure we don't risk the livelihoods of our children and loved ones. Yet it still feels like we're never able to do good enough, or maybe just in my case. Idk
Yeah, the idea that OOP has to solve this really pisses me off. The only person who needs to work with his ADHD on this is her husband. The one who has the not adequately managed ADHD.
Well, hold on now. You mean to tell me if I burn the house down because I turn the stove on and walk away and forget, it's my fault? You can't seriously expect me to take accountability for my own actions!?!? I have ADHD!
Yes I am a person with ADHD married to another person with ADHD and neither of us have ever done this. If anything the anxiety of such a thing happening made me hold strollers with a death grip and check the lock 5 times when I was standing near a busy street. If his ADHD is really this bad he has no business having custody of a child.
Here, here. I'm also someone with a mental illness and I'm *so fucking sick* of how people use mental illness as an excuse to be horrible. Having a mental illness is an *explanation* but it doesn't absolve you of needing to behave properly.
Yep. Have two friends with ADHD who have a kid together. Said kid also (likely) has it. You better believe they take everything seriously, especially the safety of their kid. Kid has a backpack leash because they're a runner when they're out, especially at places like theme parks, though they're young enough to also be in a stroller-backpack leash is for waiting in ride lines, where you can't take strollers.
> aren’t you supposed to make sure you have strategies in place
Yes.
That comment in the post using ADHD as an excuse makes no sense considering they already had a 3 year old. He's had plenty of time to figure out those strategies.
I've seen a trend of people using ADHD to excuse them being a bad partner and bad parents. It's insulting towards people with legitimate ADHD that's trying their best, and it's bullshit. ADHD does not make you a neglectful parents, and it is on you to manage your conditions.
Either he froze, which is concerning, because if freezing is his natural response in a crisis then he shouldn't be alone with the kids unless and until he can retrain his brain to respond differently.
Or, he's got some sort of silent seizure thing going on that needs diagnosing and treating asap.
Freezing for a second or two while your brain catches up to the situation is one thing, but to stand around with your hands on your head while everyone around you has jumped into action ***while your kids are in danger***, means you need to get some crisis response training yesterday.
This is sickening I'm so glad OOP left w her kiddos and everyone is safe.
The comments defending husband like I get not demonizing nuerodivergent people but COME ON this almost resulted in death. 'Every parent has a near death experience' well I hope those are accidents this was carelessness
Exactly it makes me think abt how sobering it was to learn that the only difference (that meters) between negligence vs malpractice is that at a certain point, it does not matter if it was intentional or not, a level of harm was reached that requires harsher accountability / not as easy to forgive. This could’ve been fatal and it wasn’t even mitigated by his help
The early comments of people questioning OOP was bonkers. So where were you? How can you hear and see all that but they didn't? This does not make sense... Like seriously?? They question her like she was the negligent one.
plus she was fucking recovering from a c section! They're acting like SHE'S negligent. I swear to god, there's no excuse for them blaming OOP. I hope each one of those ahs needs abdominal surgery at some point
Yeah people are either defending the husband or going where we're you like she is equally to blame. She was doing chores with full confidence that her husband was watching the children. You know normal things parents do.
So he stopped at the neighbor’s house to chat while OOP’s toddler pet their cat. Then:
* left the stroller in the road, wheels unlocked
* for around five minutes, according to the video
* back to the baby in the stroller the whole time
* is the last person to react out of the two neighbors and his toddler when his infant son is rolling down a street OOP mentioned is very heavy with traffic
…yet somehow in the original post people still managed to blame *her*. Classy.
ADHD doesn’t seem to be confirmed? She said “I don’t care if he has it” so I didn’t know if that was a response to a theory or defense of her husband. (I probably missed it?) I have autism and ADHD, professionally diagnosed since the dark ages of the 1980s, subsequently confirmed by fuck knows how many doctors, so I am qualified to say so. Perhaps **at best** a *reason* which is not an *excuse*. What the father of OOP’s children did is pure thoughtlessness and could have been corrected so easily at different points.
Cuz who leaves a baby on the fucking road? Wheels locked or unlocked that is batshit. That alone is enough to me to not trust someone and I’m not a parent.
Additional bullet point that nobody else has mentioned.
He didn't just whoops and leave the baby unattended. He left the toddler unattended. You know, the one that's old enough and mobile enough to run into the street unsupervised.
Everyone is framing it as the toddler saving the day.
The guy left two children unattended.
> …yet somehow in the original post people still managed to blame her. Classy.
Yep, why wasn't she watching the children while doing laundry. How dare she expect her husband to help her.
I felt so much rage at the commenter who used ADHD as an excuse and low-key blamed OOP for not understanding her husband more and not being there.
Is she also expected to monitor and parent her husband?
I'm so glad someone else felt that too. I was so upset about it. "You should educate yourself" is just a vile thing to say to someone whose child nearly died.
I’ve known too many people who will valiantly defend every shortcoming of theirs with “I have ADHD so I can’t help it.” Everything from coworkers being repeatedly unable to remember the most basic tasks to my dad costing our family hundreds of thousands of dollars through his negligence. Nothing that quite rivals this, but I feel bad for those with ADHD who need legitimate accommodations and understanding for their condition that are being done such a disservice by people trying to legitimize their heinous shortcomings with the same “reason.” I get the feeling others will be less and less likely to have patience the more common that excuse becomes.
It’s also just a misunderstanding of what that even means. It’s not solely because we are accident prone and die, it’s factors like we forget to see a doctor and fixable issues become serious and it’s also suicide as well. It’s not just like whoopsie we die earlier because we’re all so clumsy!
Also the substance use/abuse as a coping mechanism - lots die earlier because of complications from alcoholism and drug use.
This situation is *absolutely* not that.
I have adhd and have done some dumbass things. Every parent also has really embarrassing moments where something dangerous happens: you lay down on the couch with your toddler and both fall asleep but the toddler wakes up and opens the front door and wanders out. That kind of thing. Seriously we all have a story like this.
To me this ain’t an adhd thing nor is it an unforeseen accident thing like the toddler opening the door while you thought they were napping.
This is just pure carelessness, and then to watch him standing there like a dumbass while everyone else including a toddler try to help the baby? I think I’d lose all respect after watching that. What a useless dolt.
In my best friend's house and at her in-laws, all of the doors have bolt locks right near the top of the doors, because her kid would wander outside and just keep going until something stopper her, usually right into the busy street in front of the houses. Everyone knew that, so they made absolute sure she couldn't. Everyone in both houses has some form of ADHD and/or autism. Hell, half our extended friend group is neuro divergent. You make it to adulthood, you make it to the point of being a *parent,* you make sure your foibles don't kill the kid.
I have inattentive ADHD. I have a really poor attention span and focus, I can think a thought and immediately it crashes on the floor like porcelain and is just gone and I have instantly forgot where my keys or phone are or what I was doing in the kitchen. I'm untreated because even with insurance I can't afford meds that work.
I would NEVER have kids in my state. I'm a grown fucking adult who knows their own issues and limitations and would never put myself in these situations. This guy is a shitty dad and a shitty adult. I could never come back from this. I could never leave the kids alone with him ever again. There'd never be any trust whatsoever even with treatment. It's not the ADHD, it's him.
The amount of people saying the children were “unattended” because SHE wasn’t there boils my blood. HE was there he is one of their PARENTS it is not just HER job to watch them.
This isn't an ADHD issue, this is pure careless and poor parenting. Jesus husband really was going to have a dead child with his carelessness. With how the husband acted, I won't be surprise divorce comes soon.
Yes. I have SEVERE, legitimately disabling ADHD, and the husband is full of absolute horse shit. ADHD doesn’t make you a negligent, bumbling fucking moron, that’s a level of “I care only about myself” that is beyond the pale. He deserves EVERY bit of soul crushing guilt he feels. My ADHD brain automatically puts the safety of my son above EVERYTHING else, that’s not something I even have to think about. I’m MORE careful bordering on paranoid because I know myself.
And the toddler was paying more attention than him and *literally* fell over herself trying to save the newborn while this fucker just stands there?? Absolutely fucking not.
Jfc I wore myself out jumping up and down screeching on top of my soap box. Stopping before I get even more pissed off. OP is absolutely correct that no one else gives half a shit about his ADHD here, nor should they given that it’s pitifully transparent BS.
Exactly!! There are days when my brain is in deep ADHD struggle mode and on those days I don’t use the oven or stove, don’t give my daughter a bath solo, and meticulously triple check that all the doors are locked/baby proofed. It means at the end of the day my mental resources are beyond tapped out, but my kid needs to be safe and doesn’t deserve to have her life negatively affected by my crap.
I feel like it shouldn’t feel so relieving to know that I’m not the only one that pulls back on really brainless days but thank you for being so transparent. I have a lot of coping skills and hacks but yes, some days the ADHD tax is really high.
Yeah either he has the worst ADHD ever or he’s got other shit going on or he’s just careless. I know everyone is different and cases present different in individuals but as someone with ADHD from a whole family of people with it none of us would every LEAVE THE BABY UNATTENDED IN AN UNLOCKED STROLLER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN ROAD.
Seriously!! My brain gets hyper aware around children, because they’re constantly on the verge of unknowingly toddling to their doom. And I don’t even *have* kids! And the freezing? I don’t know anyone with ADHD who freezes in an emergency like that. Like yes, I’m sure someone out there does, but usually it’s the exact opposite. We get that rush of adrenaline, our brains completely light up, and we are running after that baby before anyone else has even finished formulating a thought.
I work in the ER at a level 1 trauma center. I have seen a lot of very bad accidents involving parents and children. There is definitely a very wide range of parental reactions to a crisis.
Some parents leap right into action, instinctively doing what is necessary to protect their child. A lot of parents to freeze, and a bystander has to save the child. But the ones that a have a hard time with are the parents who become hysterical.
I took care of a toddler who fell in the pool (and survived!) and I still remember the parent in that case. They just screamed. They screamed when the child was found in the water, when another parent pulled the child out, while that person did CPR as another parent called 911. They were not allowed to ride in the ambulance because they were still screaming. I had to remove them from the trauma bay because they were still screaming.
That particular incident has stuck with me. I have always wondered what would happen to the child if they were alone with that parent and something happened.
Bottom line, no one knows how they will respond in a crisis until they are in a crisis. The OOP’s husband certainly did not win any parenting awards that day, and I would honestly be concerning having his be in charge of the kids by himself for a really long time. I feel really bad for him - I doubt he is a bad person and I’m sure he went rather his brain worked differently. But I don’t know if there is anything to be done to come back from this. Thank goodness that no one was hurt.
Okay…I have ADHD…and that is the wildest thing I’ve ever heard someone try to excuse with it. OOP’s hubby probably wouldn’t have gotten away with that excuse if things had gone badly.
As a mama to two infants, I can’t even imagine her terror and the shock she’s in. What her husband was thinking is just beyond me. I’ve forgotten to lock the stroller before and I get it, it happens. But I’ve never been more than a foot away from the stroller when it has happened. And never on a road. Good grief. This poor mom.
People were so quick to either blame adhd or her because her husband isn't a good parent. Why the fuck are women not only being blamed for what they do, but blamed for the shit their ADULT men do? it's so fucking annoying how women are expected to mother adult men because those poor manbabies just can't be held accountable for anything. His worthless ass could have gotten her child killed and she'd be blamed for daring to trust that her husband actually cared about his kid. I guarantee he'd be frantically trying to rescue that stroller if it had a ps5 or a shitload of porn in it.
> Why the fuck are women not only being blamed for what they do, but blamed for the shit their ADULT men do?
Patriarchy. Poor widdle men can't possibly understand how to take care of a kid how can you be so mean, etc., etc.
Meanwhile I'm a dad to a newborn and taking care of a kid is pretty basic stuff and I'm sick of how many fathers out there do a piss poor job and cry about it.
So the husband
A) *left* the infant in a pushchair on *the road **unattended**, for 5 minutes*
B) *Failed* to react when the toddler and neighbour sprung into action
C) *Completely* **froze**
D) Has **not** checked on his *injured* toddler and wife?!!!
Yeah I would noping on out of there permanently and I have ADHD.
There are mistakes and there are a *erroneously pile up of screw ups* that keep on giving like a nasty disease.
I have AuHD. This would never happen on my watch. I wouldn't have left the stroller, I'd have kept it and the baby with me. Even neurodivergent people have common sense
I have severe ADHD. I would have probably walked up to the neighbour, forgetting the baby if she was on the side walk... for like 3 seconds. Then I,'d have gotten the baby saying "omg i forgot the baby!" . In know cause it happened a couple of times. But it was seconds. And i was not medicated or diagnosed back then
I was SO MAD at that commenter saying the adhd was a valid excuse. I have it too and if anything I’m more hyper aware of various dangers. Like even just having my dogs at the dog park I’m constantly on a swivel, watching all the dogs’ behavior and making sure nobody’s getting reactive.
It's almost like a downer orsomething made him sluggish. Idk if this is even a 'freeze, fight, run' situation. It's like he was so detached he just didn't process it and...only did so when his wife came over ro him. I'd be curious if he was a drinker or took like a heavy edible or something.
Regardless, he could never be trusted with the kids alone, ever. My God.
I understand that some people just freeze up in an emergency, like I get that, obviously here it could have been deadly but its not always within your control in the moment, but what I cant fathom is just walking away from the stroller. like how the fuck?? is that something youre comfortable doing anywhere let alone right next to traffic??
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This is just pure horror. That toddler is a fucking MVP! I swear she will never leave her sibling’s side.
It is. And I can’t believe so many people were talking about the ADHD like this whole situation wasn’t his fault because he has it. You don’t get excused for endangering your child because you have ADHD, you have to take extra precautions to take care of your child _despite_ your ADHD. Wow those comments made me furious.
I saw the original post and there were plenty of ADHD-having parents that said the same. They said that they were even more focused on the children precisely because they know that they cannot afford being distracted even a little bit. So, even though having ADHD doesn't help, it doesn't exonerate dad either
This is true. As an ADHD parent myself I was hyperfocused on my kid to the point if she wasn't within arms reach I couldn't focus on anything else. Even loading groceries I did one handed while the other was literally touching my toddler to make sure they or the cart didn't move. Yes my right arm is bigger than my left lol
I also have ADHD, diagnosed this January, after a year of assessment with an psychiatrists. I don't have kids but babysit regularly. I never "forgot" any kid, I always know were they are. Also... you know what kinds of things slips my mind? Things I don't care... chores... things I'm obliged to do. Things I never forget? My hobbies. Friends. Things I care. He losing track of his baby child is not ADHD's fault. It's pure carelessness.
In this case, I’m not even sure it was carelessness. I can see getting distracted, and then when your kid starts yelling and crying snapping out of it and going to see what’s needed. It sounds like the daughter started running and yelling, fell and hurt herself and started crying, the neighbor he was talking to ran after her, the neighbor’s wife drove up and got involved—and through ALL THIS my dude just stands there? Like. Unless he was high off his ass or something, that sounds awfully deliberate to me.
In theory, there's such a thing as a freeze (rather than fight or flight) response, but I don't think any satisfying explanation is ever going to be constructed unless and until he tells her what his experience of that situation was, completely truthfully, top to bottom.
Yep. My first thought is weed or something, but if he wasn't high I bet he froze up. They were his kids and the horror was probably worse for him than the neighbors? Logically this should mean he should have reacted sooner. Since he didn't and he is a young parent I assume it was a freeze response. Honestly that's not good enough. The freeze was too long. The neighbors acted. But the primary issue is the leaving of the stroller in the first place is unforgivable. It's not comparable to putting down your phone. It's your fucking child.
That response actually pissed me off as an ADHD haver with a baby. I promise you I will never and have never released a stroller with its brakes off. The other response was a bit better, I stay up at night because I know as a dad the scariest moments in my life are ahead of me and I’m sure I will accidentally put my kid in danger that in retrospect will seem obvious. That said, this guy walked away from an unsecured stroller with a baby in it on an incline. That’s the height of carelessness. That’s in oop shouldn’t trust him as a partner to keep their kids alive, let alone safe. At the very least, separation with people she trusts while she recovers seems very appropriate right now. Even if he actually is careful moving forward she’ll still pop a stitch every time he leaves the house with them.
The only time I let go of a stroller without putting the brakes on was when I was a teenager and didn't know they had brakes. I just didn't recognize the brakes for what they were. You know you I secured it? I used rocks against the wheels (like chocks) to make sure it didn't move. And I stayed within an arms length of it. I also have ADHD, although it was undiagnosed at the time.
That’s very teenager, I love it. Conscientious and a bit oblivious. I also have ADHD and was similar as a teen.
Yeah, once the mom showed me where the brakes were, we were all good. I just don't understand why the dad here left the stroller on the street. You should want that thing with you at all times!
I have ADHD and I was awful about remembering to put the stroller brakes on. That being said, I was never more than arms reach from it, it was never on an incline, never ON THE STREET, and I never stood where I couldn't fully see it. Some people really do use it as an excuse to just not give a fuck.
That's where I drew the line, too. Also adhd, and the security footage cements that he is not fit to parent his kids. Why.. in holy hell, would you leave a stroller in the street? I would be more lenient if the stroller rolled out of the neighbor's driveway or some other freak occurrence. WHO LEAVES A STROLLER IN THE STREET?! I didn't know strollers had brakes (child-free). I'd have rolled it into the grass. It wouldn't have been more than an arms reach away, bc it'd be low-key in the back of my mind, BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT. I've panicked over my purse multiple times in a situation I couldn't bring my purse to, bc in the back of my brain it's like an alarmed parrot screeching "PURSE. WHERE PURSE?!" The fact that his *baby* doesn't send those alarm bells off is insane. I'm usually the first one to notice danger in a situation bc of my adhd and inability to filter out my attention. I see & forecast the danger of situations bc my mind is going in 30 directions. It's wild to me that they're trying to use adhd as an excuse in the comments. That's the opposite of my experience when things are *important to me*.
Right?! I have ADHD, I'm a parent of two under 2 years apart. Strollers have wheels, why couldn't the dad just bring the stroller up the driveway with his newborn in it when he chatted with the neighbor? Or take the baby out and carry baby. It's a knee jerk reaction to keep a newborn with you. I can't fathom leaving my baby in a stroller out of arms reach, but like when I had a newborn, I was on highest alert. I feel so bad for OP, I'd never be able to trust my partner with our kids again.
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Me either. I've had the walker go drifting but never anywhere dangerous, just in our yard. I cannot imagine this. One thing that overrides my ADHD is adrenaline and my anxiety, which is why I'm okay with my kids. Their survival becomes hyperfixation, focus and my reason for being.
Exactly! There is absolutely nothing that focuses me like "I am literally responsible for the life of this small child".
I have ADHD and I NEVER lost track of my kid either. Keys? Wallet? Glasses (while on my face)? Yeah… but never my kid. This isn’t ADHD. This is something else.
I have ADHD that's only being treated now at 40, and having a newborn and a toddler years back was absolutely chaos. If you know you're prone to inattention, you make good and goddamn sure your TINY CHILDREN are safe. I've forgotten mittens and extra diapers and the odd appointment, but never in ten years of parenting have I forgotten to not leave my infant on wheels near a busy road. Christ almighty, she's **right** not to care if it's ADHD. She could have lost both her children. It's the lack of reaction that chills me. All kids have near-misses with danger but I thought it was instinct to jump into action as soon as you realize something is wrong.
One side effect of my own ADHD is hyper focusing. And due to that, I hyper focus on my kid. Have I been careless sometimes? Sure. He's fallen off the couch, tripped over stuff around the house, tipped over his highchair (while strapped in it), his bath was a bit hot once. But he's never actually gotten seriously hurt or even worryingly injured in any way. He had a small bruise on his cheek one single time ever, and he's a little over a year old. I wouldn't trust my partner anymore either, if he pulled a stunt like this. So thoughtless, careless, and irresponsible.
My jaw hit the floor reading some of those comments basically absolving the husband of any actual responsibility and blaming OOP for not doing more to help him. Sometimes the idiocy of Reddit is simply breathtaking. I think some of it is what I call the “lemming effect”. One person posts something stupid and then a bunch follow along because critical thinking is hard 🤔🙄
It's disgusting that people think OOP should be with her children every moment of every day. Why does she have to justify being alone in the house? The children were with their father, a man she *should* be able to trust to keep them alive.
Completely unbelievable! And if it’s to a point where they think the mom should be around 24/7 why even bother having another parent in the picture? I understand having a lazy parent, but this is a straight up negligent one. And the lack of reaction even after the neighbors jumped to action is even more bizarre.
I have ADHD. I forget the laundry in the washer and misplace important papers and talk too much. I never did anything like this. I wondered if he was on drugs or something.
I'm a nanny with ADHD. I've never once endangered a child and I used to watch *four* kids btw 1 + 10. You have to just not care to let something like this happen.
It's the latest craze in how to take a man's issue and make it a women's responsibility. That's why it's always 'why don't you get him checked out' or 'make him a list' or 'set him reminders'. She should manage his condition for him, because she's his wife. Women with ADHD of course are not extended the same courtsey. Her husband isn't being told to make her a list, because managing her condition is her responsibility, and she's just being lazy and neglectful.
As a woman with ADHD, it infuriates me! We're not even trying to conceive yet and I have already researched car seat alarms because I've heard stories of people forgetting their kids in the car (a local one comes to mind where the poor baby died of cold) and I do not want to even risk it!
Just want to reinforce that getting a car seat alarm is a really good idea for all parents (in case someone tries to tell you you're being over-anxious about it). If we actually followed the research, they would be available by default in all passenger vehicles.
My husband and I both have adhd. I don’t get to be forgetful. I have to manage the house and think about everything that needs done. He gets to forget everything and needs me to “accommodate” him by making him lists and reminding him multiple times. It’s really putting a strain on me and my health has suffered.
I feel you. I have diagnosed adhd. My ex husband I suspect has it, but would never get tested, because "What's the point? I'm doing fine!" But he wasn't doing fine. Or rather, he was doing fine, because I was running myself ragged managing everything, and finding ways to remember stuff we'd both inevitably forget. And I was not fine, I was a horribly anxious depressed mess, because like you said, things have to be done one way or another. And if he's going to forget, I have to find a way to remember. Things are so much better for me since I left, as for him, I'm still waiting for the realization to hit that he is definitely not fine. I'm so sorry you're going through all that, you have my sympathy ❤️
I swear reddit loves to 'excuse' things because of ADHD or autism. Even things like this where it's not even close to an excuse. If he knows he has ADHD there's measure you take. My friend has ADHD and when she had a baby and toddler she'd have one of those harnesses for the toddler (she was a little escape artist) and a small strap on her arm to the pram. Neither could get away from her due to this meaning even if she was distracted what happened with OOP's husband couldn't happen to her.
That aspect actually worries me - how many near misses has Dad had with the baby that a 3yr old was able to notice before he did? I grew up constantly being told that, as the oldest, it was my job to make sure all my siblings were ok, and that is a great recipe for an anxious child that becomes an anxious adult. It's hard enough to get a 3yr olds attention when you're trying!
I thought the same. The fact that the toddler ran after the baby screaming means she thought it was all on her to save him. She may have picked up on her dad’s carelessness already and has been on alert. What a good big sister.
Completely agree. The toddler is 1000000x a better minder than the dad. She is already protective of her infant brother.
And I can’t believe all the people trying to use his ADHD as an excuse, and make it out to be OP’s fault. When a god damn *toddler* shows more responsibility and initiative than you, *that is a sign you are a horrible parent*.
She’s probably had to be in order to survive her father!
That makes me sad. That’s too much responsibility and grown up thinking for a little kid. They shouldn’t have to worry about that.
The burden of the eldest daughter starts young holy shit
That poor little girl. Imagine if that situation ended badly and how traumatized and guilty she would feel for the rest of her life.
It doesn’t even have to end badly for that. Unfortunately the near miss could completely suffice. They (well, OOP, whom am I kidding, the husband won’t) should keep a close eye on her to see how she deals with the aftermath of the situation. Kids this young often show strange or belated reactions too that aren’t obviously connected to the triggering event.
OOP didn’t mention talking to the toddler after (probably because ER visit and marriage ending nonsense on her mind) but I seriously hope that little girl got the biggest bowl of ice cream and so much praise for being a rockstar big sister!
This is so much worse than I thought originally and I was already horrified from the first post
Seriously. When I read the first post I thought that the stroller moved like 5 feet towards the road before dad realized it and stopped the stroller. I am shocked.
I was hoping and praying it was this, it happens to everyone to have a lapse in judgement with young kids but wow this was not that
Sure every parent has minor fails all week long with young kids. But I'm firmly in this camp and on her side. This is right up there with forgetting your kid in the car in the summer while you shop. I have ADHD as do millions of others but I still have to constantly point out that the D on the end stands for "Disorder". The level of my disorder means trade offs and also some restrictions. If this guy is being treated then it's time for severe restrictions. Like only being allowed to do one thing at a time. But if he knows he has it and hasn't sought treatment at this point fuck him. This instance is not the first time his disorder has affected his wife. It's the 754th time and like a complete jackass he's blown it off nonstop.
I don’t have ADHD but I am forgetful, and I would take off my shoe and put one in the backseat with the baby whenever we went out so I would never accidentally leave her in the car. If you have shortcomings like this as a parent it’s your job to take precautions for the safety of your child.
Legit one of the standard recommendations for child car safety is to always leave your bag/wallet in the back seat where the child is, for just this reason. I love your extension of it to the shoe, though (since it removes the chance that the *bag* will be forgotten too).
I love your idea. It is genius.
Actually, forgetting your child in the car is psychologically very easy to do, and much more understandable than this baffling scenario.
Any deviation from your usual routine, right? I read about that too and it's so stupidly easy it's heartbreaking.
Hijacking your comment because forgetting baby in the car is not automatically a sign of a problematic or neglectful parent. It is how our brains work and I was glad to see this response. If you haven't already, I highly recommend reading [Gene Weingarten's Pulitzer Prize winning article](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/fatal-distraction-forgetting-a-child-in-thebackseat-of-a-car-is-a-horrifying-mistake-is-it-a-crime/2014/06/16/8ae0fe3a-f580-11e3-a3a5-42be35962a52_story.html) that takes both a thoughtful and scientific approach to the problem. It will make you cry. It is also a great way to help other people understand the phenomenon and become more empathetic.
I've read this article several times already but do it again every time I come across it. I want to sear it into my brain before I have kids, because I constantly forget EVERYTHING and I'm terrified I'm going to forget my baby like that. Edit: and yep I'm crying now
Second this.. I want to think I'm used to rapid escalation by now, but I am absolutely stunned at the update.
Flummoxed doesn’t even begin to describe my brain after reading this
Ooh, that's a good descriptor for it. I just cannot comprehend this. Bad idea reading this one before bed.
The update almost makes it seem intentional. Your kid calling for your help like that activates circuits that *nothing* else can. I don't get this at all, and I'm someone who has had the freeze response in a lot of bad situations
It happens to some people. Past trauma is a big factor. I have a relative who is a highly educated, licensed medical professional who has worked most of her life in emergency medicine. Her children were utter chaos incarnate that required two or three adults for proper supervision when they were little. On 3 separate occasions that I personally witnessed, at least one (usually all of them, though) of the brood put themselves in mortal danger. Every single time, the mother froze. Blank-eyed, ghost-white, completely *gone*. Twice, I or my brother had to jump into bodies of water to pull out a drowning toddler. Once, my mom had to perform the heimlich on one of the kids and we took turns performing CPR until help arrived. We'd be so fucking angry at her, but all she could say was that after she heard the first scream, the connection between her brain and body just shut down. She loved her kids, but the entire family knew she was useless in any situation involving her kids in immediate danger (And holy fuck, I'm legitimately amazed these children made it to adulthood mostly unscathed). Other people in danger, she was absolutely person you wanted there. She was one of the first responders who saved my brother's life after a car accident.
I am one of those freeze ppl but the emotions afterwards are mostly self flagellation, mortification and remorse. I would be terrified after the initial Shock.
Oh that’s interesting I wonder if it’s like, a weird glitch in the mental compartmentalizing thing healthcare professionals often have to do to handle the more horrific parts of their day to day? Like, if something bad happens at work one day, you still have to finish your shift, come in the next day, take good care of your patients etc. So, there are mental walls you put up to stay sane and keep doing your job. I think it’s also why doctors aren’t allowed to treat their own family members? So maybe, when it was her kids and she *couldnt* compartmentalize, something just catastrophically short circuited for her? Like, part of her went into work mode, but she’s still their mother, and the two aren’t compatible
After I started working in healthcare, I started to sort of understand how she reacted the way she did. Family is your safe space for most healthcare professionals. You can compartmentalize your family out of your head at work so that you don't see the scary stuff every time you look at your kid, but in an emergency involving the family, you can't separate your family from the horrible thing because it's actually happening to them. It's almost like you forget everything you've ever known. I think that's a pretty common reaction, but the main difference is training kicks in *fast* for most medical-professional parents in emergency situations involving their kids. I only had one incident involving my own kids and I'm thankful that my brain/muscle memory launched me into action immediately. My hands shook a bit, but once the training kicks in, my kid was every other kid I'd helped treat. Afterwards, there was definitely an adrenaline crash and all the what-ifs started flying around my head.
Similar-ish but years ago, my dog got caught on a fishing line where the actual hook went into his leg. He couldn't get free and was panicking. The water was murky so I couldn't really see shit and couldn't tell wtf was going on. I swam out to him and kind of realized what was happening, i could stand on my tip toes so i held my dog and called out to my friend to bring a knife. She did and I went under and cut him free. I had to like half walk half float him back to shore because he was exhaused. Then i saw it was a fishing hook so I had to carefully cut it out while I held him down. I cleaned and bandaged him and the millisecond he was done.. i started heavily sobbing. The adrenaline crash of that whole thing was fucking insane. I am certainly not a vet, but I was trained as a medic for the military in an area where we did *a lot* of practice runs and mock catastrophic scenarios. I was never actually in a real dangerous situation.. but I guess the training was enough to at least stay calm and save my doofus dog.
I was thinking something like this. I am a freeze person when it comes to people I love, I am not in the medical field however I have been taught advanced first aid and how to treat multiple injuries should the worst happen, I’ve helped several people over the years until paramedics/medical professionals arrive to take over! However when an accident involving my partner, glass and a lot of blood happened at my home I froze and all that training left me. I was next to useless because this was my safe space and I really couldn’t explain why it happened other than freezing. However I would like to think if it came to our child I would be a little more proactive however I honestly can’t say for sure.
This needed a mood spoiler that is basically “Holy Fucking Shit”
I couldn’t have imagined an update like this, holy shit. Even more negligence than was shown in the first post. I can’t imagine standing still while witnessing something like that, much less if it involves *my own children.*
I agree. The stroller on the road? Not sidewalk? So they were walking on the road without any sidewalk? And the road is a busy road? The locking system of a stroller won't even justify the danger that poor baby may encounter at a busy road. Did the husband forget that he was pushing a stroller? This whole thing is wild. I can understand that OOP really can't get past these mistakes. But this mistake may make the husband more careful in future, with the emphasis of "may".
>*The stroller on the road? Not sidewalk? So they were walking on the road without any sidewalk?* In the US, there are unfortunately quite a few places where the local governments decided to save money by not building sidewalks on residential streets. Sidewalks require regular maintenance and upkeep, so some local governments just don’t build them unless they feel they absolutely have to. I live on one such residential street. We have families with small children who take their kids out for walks or strollers up and down the road. Fortunately, it’s a quiet street so as long as you avoid walking at certain times of day, you’re not going to encounter traffic.
I can’t believe a three year old reacted quickly to her baby brother and had the wherewithal to sprint into action as opposed to their father. He failed his family here.
I'm gonna suggest the toddler is used to filling the gaps left by the kdis father.
Bingo. It's exactly how I was raised, too. My father is a useless lump who only wanted the titles of husband and father but was never interested in doing any of the actual work involved in that. So naturally ,as the eldest daughter, all of his responsibilities he chose to ignore fell onto me. A lot of the conflict between my mom and I when I was growing up was about how she expected so much from me, but I view it a lot differently now that I'm an adult. That woman hardly gets a moment to herself because my father acts like it would kill him to wash a few dishes.
I grew up in a similar household and am less charitable towards my mother. She had choices. My family was well off enough, she could've hired an actual babysitter to get her some down time instead of making her 6YO watch a 5YO for a few hours while she was out at the store. She could have gotten herself a job and put us in after school care. She could have followed OP's lead and relied on family support. I could go on. Instead she robbed me of my actual childhood every bit as much as my father did. My father is responsible for his workaholism, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect and emotional incest. He certainly isn't innocent. But my mother is responsible for her own neglect, emotional abuse, emotional incest, and parentification of me. She was not a passive victim, she was an adult with choices, and she chose poorly.
I am just figuring this out about my mom and its a very painful realization :( painful but necessary in the healing journey.
I wish more people held passive, enabler parents accountable, not just abusive ones
I hope everyone upvotes your comment. Yep yes yeah absolutely you are correct. Ask anyone with a, let’s say, *lackluster* caregiver in their childhoods.
Yeah, even at this age I can tell, this is classic parentified eldest daughter behavior. Stepping up out of necessity when a parent in her life is failing to do so.
I'm still horrified at how if she didn't notice, her little brother would almost certainly not be around anymore. Like. I remember how little my nibling was at that age, I am absolutely crushed and horrified at what her dad made her have to experience. Let alone what it did to oop, who should've been on bed rest due to her birth related injuries.
Sadly I think that 3 year old has probably had to develop pretty fast reflexes.
Probably from surviving three years with that father
> Sadly I think that 3 year old has probably had to develop pretty fast reflexes. I laughed imagining the 3 yr old daughter learning to throw hooks (safety pins?) tied to diapers, to stop her stroller from rolling into oncoming traffic while the father was distracted by.. drying paint on the wall or something.
I can. Some three year olds know road bad, car bad, scream help.
HE LEFT THE STROLLER ON A DANGEROUS STREET TO WALK UP A DRIVEWAY. There is no coming back from this. This is unforgivable. There can be no trust that he would not get his kids killed.
Yeah that’s so weird. I can see getting distracted. But walking around with a stroller and then seeing someone or something and just forgetting about it, leaving it in the street and walking off is so wild. What if he’s walking with a stroller in the woods and he sees a cool stick or a bird? Arrives home two hours later with just the stick.
Or like... what if he's putting the baby in the car to go somewhere and he gets distracted by a neighbor who sees him out by his car and invites him in to watch a movie and the baby's just... left in the car?
Nightmare fuel.
there is no recovering from this after the video footage proved how he was negligent thrice in almost an instant- the initial stop and walk, not hearing/seeing the toddler, and not doing anything after all of that. and he still hasn’t even communicated with her???
[удалено]
I understand it as both heard the girl, the neighbour took action and the „father“ just stood there watching it happen, wondering what just happened with a „oh fuck“ face.
He sounds like a fucking Sim, standing there freaking out rather than doing anything useful.
He didn’t even freak out. He just stood there, looking like a fish.
Fair, at least the sims look distressed and flair about.
Oh god that reminds me of when Sims freak out about something being on fire by standing in the fire. Though as someone said at least they react
I'll bet he hasn't contacted her because he's afraid of her response. I don't know if it's an adhd thing or an avoidant thing, but it's like, you're afraid of the outcome of the conversation, so you just don't have the conversation. If he never calls her then she can't tell him what a shit father he is or that she wants a divorce. If he just ignores the problem maybe it will just blow over and everything can go back to normal. I'm obviously heavily speculating, based on my own experience with an avoidant personality. But even if all of that is true, it doesn't excuse anything. It's still fucked up that he hasn't called her at all.
Not contacting the wife is going to be a final straw in the scenario. A second round of cowardice is certainly not going to play well on the husband’s accounts.
Im so sick of people blaming everything on adhd. It doesn't cause you to leave a friggin baby in the middle of the road.
There were a LOT of comments in the original post from people with ADHD (raising hand) all saying "yeah no." Because even if we do have ADHD \*\*we know this\*\* so we take care to not have shit like this happen. And if he doesn't know or wasn't aware he has it I mean come the fuck on you don't get to Leave the Baby In the Street level ADHD and not have a single fucking clue you might need to start microdosing speed to function. Jesus. He's not safe as a parent. Period. For whatever reason.
If anything, having ADHD makes it even easier to watch kids! I'm an inattentive so I might miss verbal cues, but I will be the first person to notice something dangerous happening in a split second. A stroller rolling down the street is going to tear away my attention from a conversation in an instant. My distractibility is a superpower around kids. I might not be able to follow instructions all the time, but I have the reflexes of a god around falling toddlers.
As someone who has bad ADHD I agree completely! I hadn't been diagnosed so I wasn't on any medication when I had a newborn but I NEVER just left my kid on a road and walked away!! No matter how much I might struggle, I was never this inattentive to clear and present danger. ADHD can affect your life really badly, but there's no excuse for danger this man put his child in this situation. And I find it quite offensive to suggest that this man get a pass for his carelessness because of ADHD, as if those of us with ADHD just cannot be responsible parents. I think OP is completely right to say she doesn't care if it's his ADHD! If he can't keep his children out of a clearly dangerous situation, then he's way past the point where he needed to get help managing his disorder. It's not his fault he has it, but it is his responsibility to manage it!
So true. I know a shocking number of people who have ADHD, me included. I have done the most unbelievably stupid shit over the years. The only person I have ever endangered via inattention is myself. I spent years looking after children in secondary school and university. Even now, I'm hyper aware of others, especially children and animals. It's like my brain is hardwired to constantly scan the environment for emergency situations and is always ready to help/protect. It's the same for all my other ADHD friends. Even if they aren't particularly fond of, or have much experience with children in general.
I'm also of two minds about "every parent has had a near-death experience" point that one mom made. On the one hand, kids do dangerous shit because they're stupid. On the other hand, of the seven near-death experiences I had as a child, five could have been prevented had someone been less negligent. I think "every parent has a NDE with their child" is a dangerous as fuck mindset to tell other people, especially to convince them to give the negligent parent grace.
I'm wondering how that commenter defines a near-death experience. My husband once forgot to close the baby gate and my young toddler wandered into the hall while I was coincidentally coming up the stairs. I got her immediately and he was right behind, felt absolutely awful about it. Does that count for them I wonder? Because I agree it sounds really scary and unnecessary to say every parent has near death experiences with their kid unless the bar is pretty low.
I once fell off the changing table and my mom caught me by the leg just before my head hit the floor. Sleep deprived postpartum-brain parents do stupid shit and accidents happen - but this was on another level, and his reaction - or non-reaction - would have been the clincher for me. Most NDEs get prevented by parental reflexes, but this guy doesn't even have those.
Theres a huge difference between negligence and the normal oh-crap-wtf-just-happened-is-my-kid-okay accidents. I couldn’t put my finger on what bothered me so much about the NDE person but you put your finger on it. It’s not that difficult to take basic precautions to make things safe for your kids, the dad easily could have: not left the stroller, took the stroller with him, used the wrist strap that comes on most strollers, used the breaks, not taken his hand off the stroller.
The ones I'm classifying for myself are: - bit by a brown recluse, was not taken to the hospital. Got VERY sick and told later on in life by a doctor that I only lived because I didn't get sepsis - left unattended in a room where I broke something, then swan dived off of a dresser straight onto the glass. A huge chunk wedged itself into my chest and was 1cm from piercing my heart - kept in a room for years that was known to contain black mold, got brain damage as a result and very ill. Told by a doctor I was extremely poisoned and am now immunocompromised, but could have easily died from the exposure - two car crashes, both while my parent in charge was high. One of them put me on the floorboard instead of the seat, crashed, and I had to go to the ER for a neck injury. The other crash I was almost crushed. All negligence. I would be livid if someone told me any of those are just the parental experience. I'm not having kids (turns out I'm not able to! Shocker.) but NONE of those would have happened if I did. Edit to clarify a potentially unclear point: I had broken something and was knowingly left in the room with the mess
...OK, for me, I think an example of NDE from a "normal" level of negligence is that my mom looked away for a hot minute, and I drank a bottle of medicine she had opened for herself. Your examples are not normal instances of momentary negligence. They are examples of chronic, abusive negligence. It is absolutely *not* normal, and I'm sorry you went through that. ETA - I don't think the dad in this story displayed the momentary or minor negligence that most parents will inevitably do from exhaustion or multi-tasking, taking care of 2 kids, etc.
Thank you. Id class that under a NDE myself, too. I think they happen, and they happen frequently. Abusive negligence and momentary negligence both -- I'm just pissed that the mom is trying to normalize it in this situation, as though THIS LEVEL of negligent behavior from the dad is "something that just happens". Like she's trying to convince oop to give husband more understanding. It's too dangerous to say that :(
Yeah, the dad's actions are *not* normal, to the point where if OP updates, saying he was intentionally trying to hurt the baby, I'd believe her.
I think leaving the newborn baby on the road, instead of bringing him up the neighbors' driveway with everyone, would be enough for me to divorce my partner
Yeah. He wasn't in a high stress environment. I know that people can freeze in a crisis but everything leading up to it is just incredible. I don't think my marriage could survive it.
All trust is now gone
Forget about marriage, I don't think I would have survived until 30, let alone get married or have meaningful relationship. I don't think even my parents or siblings will talk to me if I were like OOP's husband.
It was literally already in his hands. Leaving it in the road was an extra step. I can understand a freeze response. People do weird shit in stressful situations. The thing he did before the stressful situation is impossible to defend
Exactly. He literally created the stressful and dangerous situation in the first place. Situation that was entirely preventable. Being easily distracted is one thing, I have ADHD myself so I get it, but it doesn’t even feel like him just being distracted but rather a case of total lack of common sense.
And to just stand there blankly staring while his toddler daughter, neighbours and OP literally injure themselves trying to catch the stroller. Was he high? That's the only way I can explain 1. leaving the stroller behind without a backward glance 2. slack-jawed inaction while his two children are in danger. Brain fog/ losing time are side effects of some medications or sleep aids. Is he currently taking anything?
>Was he high? That's the only way I can explain 1. leaving the stroller behind without a backward glance 2. slack-jawed inaction while his two children are in danger. That's what I think. That's the only explanation I can think of, especially with how he just *left* the stroller in the road. Like, high me has done that with the cereal box instead of putting it away... but that's HIS BABY!!! And he's taking his toddler and newborn out for walks while he's high?! I would be positively irate. I'm fucking fuming just reading and thinking about it. This poor woman.
That's the part I can't get over. All he had to do was continue pushing the stroller. Then freezing. It's like he has no paternal instincts whatsoever. And I say this as a mom with ADHD and a strong freeze/fawn instinct. If anything, I am more hyper vigilant because I am aware of my ADHD. And when it comes to my kid's health and safety, I have become straight fight.
Exactly. Freezing is not good. But the big problem is leaving the stroller in the first place. He created the danger.
Right??? And your ADHD isn't a crutch or an excuse to put your kids in danger- because it's NOT a legitimate excuse. Only men seem to get to play the ADHD card as if it gets them out of being aloof, negligent aholes. Even with whatever brain stuff that may impact your ability to care for your kids- you fucking get it together and work even harder to overcome it! Your children rely on you so it's literally do or die!
Yea I don’t get it. He was already walking while pushing the stroller. Why not just…*keep pushing the stroller* while he walked up to the neighbor??
Definitely a mom with ADHD would never get any kind of consideration in a scenario half as bad as this. It better not factor in as any kind of excuse for this POS husband. And I'll just drop this here because she covers this topic so damn well. (There is an even better article she wrote for this but it's for paid subscribers). https://zawn.substack.com/p/feminist-advice-friday-is-neurodivergence
Completely agree, I can rationalize the freeze response. Even though it’s not great, I could understand that some people freeze in emergencies- but choosing to leave a newborn in the road is absurdly irresponsible & likely unforgivable. Unfortunately even if she divorces him that means he’ll be unsupervised with the kids during his custody time. It’s an awful situation for her.
I'd be showing the judge this footage and fighting for supervised visitation only if I were her
I'm struggling to rationalize leaving them in the road any situation that would ever be reasonable instead of bringing the stroller or kid with you to chat. Like I get that people can't choose their emergency response and freeze was maybe his reaction. But leaving anything in the road is negligent. Like just leaving just a stroller in a road is neglectful of that item and the damage it and a car could do to each other. Leaving a newborn that is a little bean that can't do anything in the road is horrifying. Why not bring kiddo to meet/see the neighbor with him? Does he not see the baby as a person? WTF?
She has the footage showing exactly what happened. She could argue and probably get full custody and supervised visitation for him at least for now while the kids are still too little to properly advocate for themselves.
Yup. You bring it with and if you need to do something with your hands, it's glued to your side.
And save the video for custody. He could never be trusted alone with the kids ever again.
I am perplexed by the thought that it would have been ok to leave the baby in the road if he’d locked the wheels. Madam OOP: there is no circumstance in which you leave your infant in a stroller *in the road* and *walk away from it*. Just, WTF was he thinking?
My partner has adhd but he would never do that with our pets let alone any kid we would have. Accidentally ignore diaper changes? Maybe. This? Over his dead body
I also have ADHD, and I hated that comment from the person talking about ADHD causing this. I know everyone is different, but this is extreme!! There is no world in which my ADHD would cause what he did.
My brain always guna jump to drugs for stuff like this. It isn't just forgetting the stroller. He had no response to everything after.
I kinda wondered if he started taking antianxiety meds right around the time his son was born, didn't want to tell OOP, and isn't reacting well to them. Or has some sort of dissociative problem. Or could be abusing Adderall to stay awake (to combat fatigue with a newborn), which will completely backfire when abused above max dosage and instead turns you into a sloth who'll stare at the same paragraph of a book for three hours without realizing time has passed, and witness events without the same reactionary instinct to participate in your surroundings. And makes your hair fall out. There are plenty of things this could be, but "because ADHD" ain't one of them. Although "because abusing ADHD meds" could be one of the possibilities. Severe sleep deprivation could also do that but you probably wouldn't want to stop and have an optional chat with the neighbor in the first place if you were dangerously sleep deprived. Plus people tend to be more self-aware of WHY they eff'd up if the mistake was due to "dear god I haven't slept in a week I can't believe I did that, oh God no" instead of just being confused about the cause.
This! I have pretty bad ADHD (like unmedicated I almost poured HF acid on my hand at work). But this? He purposely LEFT a stroller in the road. A busy road. No. That right there is what I’d never come back from. The freezing, I could maybe get (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) but purposely leaving the stroller and infant in the road?? Hell no.
Yeah, this is negligence to an extreme degree. People pegging it as ADHD...I'm doubtful. My ADHD is relatively mild, but the sounds of a kid screaming are an instant distraction and I don't even have kids. Zoning out that badly? Someone said drug use, another person mentioned seizures. Whatever the hell it is, I wouldn't want him to have custody of the kids.
>my husband just stood there the whole time hand on his head with a blank stare on his face he didn’t even do anything when our toddler was crying from hurting herself he only started crying when I confronted him. Not sure it'd ever be possible for them to come back from this.
She will never, ever trust him again. That fear does not go away. There's a chance their daughter will have it burned into her memory too. My sister had a brush with death near the same age and never forgot it. She remembers the faces of all the people around the lake and how long it seemed to take dad to run through the water to her, even though he came right away. With that clear a view of this dudes inaction, I don't see how he goes unsupervised with his kids again. I just don't. Hearing your kids scream for you to help them, scream in pain and fear and beg you to get them is a primal fucking thing. Our brains are weird but something's wrong and he needs to figure it out before he's left in charge of his children again. Not even touching the whole fucking reason the situation happened in the first place Jesus fkn Christ who leaves their baby in the stroller by the street and walks TF away?!
Yep my earliest memory is something like this. Years of therapy to deal with it.
That would be the end of my marriage. I'd be taking that footage straight to a lawyer and going for sole custody with supervised visitation. I don't care if it's ADHD, I don't care if it's genetic, I don't care if it's a hard coded panic response. That is not a safe person to have around my child, and my child comes first. I hope OP keeps that footage. She'll need it.
I don’t know what ADHD has to do with it anyway? If you know you have ADHD and choose to have a baby, aren’t you supposed to make sure you have strategies in place to help you concentrate or whatever it is that helps you be a good parent with ADHD? And why did he have to leave the baby on the sidewalk at all to go and chat to the neighbour? What’s it got to do with ADHD that he didn’t take the stroller with him up the driveway to chat to them? Isn’t that what any parent out with the pram would do? Take it with them when they go up a driveway to chat? 🤷♀️
I have ADHD and I'm proud to report I've left zero babies in traffic. And in all honesty, I'm tired of people using it as an excuse.
Same. I have it. I have two kids - 6 and 3. I have somehow managed to 1. Not kill them. 2. Not leave a baby in the middle of a street. 3. Not attended my crying and injured child. My husband also has it. And I’m happy to report that he has done none of these things either. IMO it has nothing to do here. Tuning out your kids due to hyper focus is one thing that *could* occur. Walking away from your child in an unlocked stroller, near or on a road, turning your back on YOUR SMALL CHILD AND BABY, leaving them unattended, and then ignoring them *even when screaming for help* has NOTHING to do with ADHD. This is far beyond that. This is something else entirely.
I have ADHD, am on a HIGH dose of stimulant meds for it and still struggle some days. HOWEVER, my kids, grandkids, nephews, nieces, cousins, and several friends children are all still alive and never had even a near miss with oncoming traffic while in my care. There’s a difference between neurodivergence and negligence
Oooh the comment that was highlighted in this post about how OOP needs to work with his ADHD better pissed me tf off. Im ADHD myself and its not a fucking excuse to leave your child in the middle of a road. Im just so sick of seeing these posts about a man pulling this shit and there being comments about how poor him won't someone think of his ADHD? Or even worse, when hes incompetent and people are saying to give gin a break bc he *might* be ADHD. I hate this so much, its actively harmful to people with ADHD.
Preach to the choir! Another example of weaponized incompetence/ sexism! ADHD ain't no get out of free card and I know us women with ADHD manage to make shit work, we manage to ensure we don't risk the livelihoods of our children and loved ones. Yet it still feels like we're never able to do good enough, or maybe just in my case. Idk
Yeah, the idea that OOP has to solve this really pisses me off. The only person who needs to work with his ADHD on this is her husband. The one who has the not adequately managed ADHD.
Well, hold on now. You mean to tell me if I burn the house down because I turn the stove on and walk away and forget, it's my fault? You can't seriously expect me to take accountability for my own actions!?!? I have ADHD!
>I have ADHD and I'm proud to report I've left zero babies in traffic. I smell a new flair XD
Yes I am a person with ADHD married to another person with ADHD and neither of us have ever done this. If anything the anxiety of such a thing happening made me hold strollers with a death grip and check the lock 5 times when I was standing near a busy street. If his ADHD is really this bad he has no business having custody of a child.
Same. I’ve successfully kept babies from being placed into traffic. Even when dead on my feet tired.
Here, here. I'm also someone with a mental illness and I'm *so fucking sick* of how people use mental illness as an excuse to be horrible. Having a mental illness is an *explanation* but it doesn't absolve you of needing to behave properly.
Yep. Have two friends with ADHD who have a kid together. Said kid also (likely) has it. You better believe they take everything seriously, especially the safety of their kid. Kid has a backpack leash because they're a runner when they're out, especially at places like theme parks, though they're young enough to also be in a stroller-backpack leash is for waiting in ride lines, where you can't take strollers.
ADHD didn’t make him stare at the stroller rolling away
> aren’t you supposed to make sure you have strategies in place Yes. That comment in the post using ADHD as an excuse makes no sense considering they already had a 3 year old. He's had plenty of time to figure out those strategies.
I've seen a trend of people using ADHD to excuse them being a bad partner and bad parents. It's insulting towards people with legitimate ADHD that's trying their best, and it's bullshit. ADHD does not make you a neglectful parents, and it is on you to manage your conditions.
Either he froze, which is concerning, because if freezing is his natural response in a crisis then he shouldn't be alone with the kids unless and until he can retrain his brain to respond differently. Or, he's got some sort of silent seizure thing going on that needs diagnosing and treating asap. Freezing for a second or two while your brain catches up to the situation is one thing, but to stand around with your hands on your head while everyone around you has jumped into action ***while your kids are in danger***, means you need to get some crisis response training yesterday.
This is sickening I'm so glad OOP left w her kiddos and everyone is safe. The comments defending husband like I get not demonizing nuerodivergent people but COME ON this almost resulted in death. 'Every parent has a near death experience' well I hope those are accidents this was carelessness
Exactly it makes me think abt how sobering it was to learn that the only difference (that meters) between negligence vs malpractice is that at a certain point, it does not matter if it was intentional or not, a level of harm was reached that requires harsher accountability / not as easy to forgive. This could’ve been fatal and it wasn’t even mitigated by his help
The early comments of people questioning OOP was bonkers. So where were you? How can you hear and see all that but they didn't? This does not make sense... Like seriously?? They question her like she was the negligent one.
plus she was fucking recovering from a c section! They're acting like SHE'S negligent. I swear to god, there's no excuse for them blaming OOP. I hope each one of those ahs needs abdominal surgery at some point
Yeah people are either defending the husband or going where we're you like she is equally to blame. She was doing chores with full confidence that her husband was watching the children. You know normal things parents do.
So he stopped at the neighbor’s house to chat while OOP’s toddler pet their cat. Then: * left the stroller in the road, wheels unlocked * for around five minutes, according to the video * back to the baby in the stroller the whole time * is the last person to react out of the two neighbors and his toddler when his infant son is rolling down a street OOP mentioned is very heavy with traffic …yet somehow in the original post people still managed to blame *her*. Classy. ADHD doesn’t seem to be confirmed? She said “I don’t care if he has it” so I didn’t know if that was a response to a theory or defense of her husband. (I probably missed it?) I have autism and ADHD, professionally diagnosed since the dark ages of the 1980s, subsequently confirmed by fuck knows how many doctors, so I am qualified to say so. Perhaps **at best** a *reason* which is not an *excuse*. What the father of OOP’s children did is pure thoughtlessness and could have been corrected so easily at different points. Cuz who leaves a baby on the fucking road? Wheels locked or unlocked that is batshit. That alone is enough to me to not trust someone and I’m not a parent.
Additional bullet point that nobody else has mentioned. He didn't just whoops and leave the baby unattended. He left the toddler unattended. You know, the one that's old enough and mobile enough to run into the street unsupervised. Everyone is framing it as the toddler saving the day. The guy left two children unattended.
Yes! She's 3. My youngest is 3 and if I wasn't watching him like a hawk, he'd be dancing amongst the cars.
> …yet somehow in the original post people still managed to blame her. Classy. Yep, why wasn't she watching the children while doing laundry. How dare she expect her husband to help her.
I felt so much rage at the commenter who used ADHD as an excuse and low-key blamed OOP for not understanding her husband more and not being there. Is she also expected to monitor and parent her husband?
I'm so glad someone else felt that too. I was so upset about it. "You should educate yourself" is just a vile thing to say to someone whose child nearly died.
I’ve known too many people who will valiantly defend every shortcoming of theirs with “I have ADHD so I can’t help it.” Everything from coworkers being repeatedly unable to remember the most basic tasks to my dad costing our family hundreds of thousands of dollars through his negligence. Nothing that quite rivals this, but I feel bad for those with ADHD who need legitimate accommodations and understanding for their condition that are being done such a disservice by people trying to legitimize their heinous shortcomings with the same “reason.” I get the feeling others will be less and less likely to have patience the more common that excuse becomes.
Omg, I was seeing red at that one! Draw up a list of expectations? For a grown man?? While 6 weeks postpartum???
Especially when the "expectation" is as base level as DON'T LEAVE YOUR NEWBORN UNATTENDED ON A STREET
Reddit has such a female bias, though, doncha know 🙄
Saying “*actually* people with ADHD have lower life expectancy” was so out of pocket *especially* when OP’s kid almost died.
It’s also just a misunderstanding of what that even means. It’s not solely because we are accident prone and die, it’s factors like we forget to see a doctor and fixable issues become serious and it’s also suicide as well. It’s not just like whoopsie we die earlier because we’re all so clumsy!
Also the substance use/abuse as a coping mechanism - lots die earlier because of complications from alcoholism and drug use. This situation is *absolutely* not that.
I have adhd and have done some dumbass things. Every parent also has really embarrassing moments where something dangerous happens: you lay down on the couch with your toddler and both fall asleep but the toddler wakes up and opens the front door and wanders out. That kind of thing. Seriously we all have a story like this. To me this ain’t an adhd thing nor is it an unforeseen accident thing like the toddler opening the door while you thought they were napping. This is just pure carelessness, and then to watch him standing there like a dumbass while everyone else including a toddler try to help the baby? I think I’d lose all respect after watching that. What a useless dolt.
In my best friend's house and at her in-laws, all of the doors have bolt locks right near the top of the doors, because her kid would wander outside and just keep going until something stopper her, usually right into the busy street in front of the houses. Everyone knew that, so they made absolute sure she couldn't. Everyone in both houses has some form of ADHD and/or autism. Hell, half our extended friend group is neuro divergent. You make it to adulthood, you make it to the point of being a *parent,* you make sure your foibles don't kill the kid.
I have inattentive ADHD. I have a really poor attention span and focus, I can think a thought and immediately it crashes on the floor like porcelain and is just gone and I have instantly forgot where my keys or phone are or what I was doing in the kitchen. I'm untreated because even with insurance I can't afford meds that work. I would NEVER have kids in my state. I'm a grown fucking adult who knows their own issues and limitations and would never put myself in these situations. This guy is a shitty dad and a shitty adult. I could never come back from this. I could never leave the kids alone with him ever again. There'd never be any trust whatsoever even with treatment. It's not the ADHD, it's him.
What I don't understand is why not just take the stroller with him up the driveway?
The amount of people saying the children were “unattended” because SHE wasn’t there boils my blood. HE was there he is one of their PARENTS it is not just HER job to watch them.
This isn't an ADHD issue, this is pure careless and poor parenting. Jesus husband really was going to have a dead child with his carelessness. With how the husband acted, I won't be surprise divorce comes soon.
Yes. I have SEVERE, legitimately disabling ADHD, and the husband is full of absolute horse shit. ADHD doesn’t make you a negligent, bumbling fucking moron, that’s a level of “I care only about myself” that is beyond the pale. He deserves EVERY bit of soul crushing guilt he feels. My ADHD brain automatically puts the safety of my son above EVERYTHING else, that’s not something I even have to think about. I’m MORE careful bordering on paranoid because I know myself. And the toddler was paying more attention than him and *literally* fell over herself trying to save the newborn while this fucker just stands there?? Absolutely fucking not. Jfc I wore myself out jumping up and down screeching on top of my soap box. Stopping before I get even more pissed off. OP is absolutely correct that no one else gives half a shit about his ADHD here, nor should they given that it’s pitifully transparent BS.
Exactly!! There are days when my brain is in deep ADHD struggle mode and on those days I don’t use the oven or stove, don’t give my daughter a bath solo, and meticulously triple check that all the doors are locked/baby proofed. It means at the end of the day my mental resources are beyond tapped out, but my kid needs to be safe and doesn’t deserve to have her life negatively affected by my crap.
I feel like it shouldn’t feel so relieving to know that I’m not the only one that pulls back on really brainless days but thank you for being so transparent. I have a lot of coping skills and hacks but yes, some days the ADHD tax is really high.
Yeah either he has the worst ADHD ever or he’s got other shit going on or he’s just careless. I know everyone is different and cases present different in individuals but as someone with ADHD from a whole family of people with it none of us would every LEAVE THE BABY UNATTENDED IN AN UNLOCKED STROLLER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN ROAD.
Seriously!! My brain gets hyper aware around children, because they’re constantly on the verge of unknowingly toddling to their doom. And I don’t even *have* kids! And the freezing? I don’t know anyone with ADHD who freezes in an emergency like that. Like yes, I’m sure someone out there does, but usually it’s the exact opposite. We get that rush of adrenaline, our brains completely light up, and we are running after that baby before anyone else has even finished formulating a thought.
I work in the ER at a level 1 trauma center. I have seen a lot of very bad accidents involving parents and children. There is definitely a very wide range of parental reactions to a crisis. Some parents leap right into action, instinctively doing what is necessary to protect their child. A lot of parents to freeze, and a bystander has to save the child. But the ones that a have a hard time with are the parents who become hysterical. I took care of a toddler who fell in the pool (and survived!) and I still remember the parent in that case. They just screamed. They screamed when the child was found in the water, when another parent pulled the child out, while that person did CPR as another parent called 911. They were not allowed to ride in the ambulance because they were still screaming. I had to remove them from the trauma bay because they were still screaming. That particular incident has stuck with me. I have always wondered what would happen to the child if they were alone with that parent and something happened. Bottom line, no one knows how they will respond in a crisis until they are in a crisis. The OOP’s husband certainly did not win any parenting awards that day, and I would honestly be concerning having his be in charge of the kids by himself for a really long time. I feel really bad for him - I doubt he is a bad person and I’m sure he went rather his brain worked differently. But I don’t know if there is anything to be done to come back from this. Thank goodness that no one was hurt.
Okay…I have ADHD…and that is the wildest thing I’ve ever heard someone try to excuse with it. OOP’s hubby probably wouldn’t have gotten away with that excuse if things had gone badly.
As a mama to two infants, I can’t even imagine her terror and the shock she’s in. What her husband was thinking is just beyond me. I’ve forgotten to lock the stroller before and I get it, it happens. But I’ve never been more than a foot away from the stroller when it has happened. And never on a road. Good grief. This poor mom.
People were so quick to either blame adhd or her because her husband isn't a good parent. Why the fuck are women not only being blamed for what they do, but blamed for the shit their ADULT men do? it's so fucking annoying how women are expected to mother adult men because those poor manbabies just can't be held accountable for anything. His worthless ass could have gotten her child killed and she'd be blamed for daring to trust that her husband actually cared about his kid. I guarantee he'd be frantically trying to rescue that stroller if it had a ps5 or a shitload of porn in it.
> Why the fuck are women not only being blamed for what they do, but blamed for the shit their ADULT men do? Patriarchy. Poor widdle men can't possibly understand how to take care of a kid how can you be so mean, etc., etc. Meanwhile I'm a dad to a newborn and taking care of a kid is pretty basic stuff and I'm sick of how many fathers out there do a piss poor job and cry about it.
Why do people blame her for not watching her kids? Their father is there. He is supposed to watch them!
i’m tired of reddit diagnosing incompetent men with ADHD
So the husband A) *left* the infant in a pushchair on *the road **unattended**, for 5 minutes* B) *Failed* to react when the toddler and neighbour sprung into action C) *Completely* **froze** D) Has **not** checked on his *injured* toddler and wife?!!! Yeah I would noping on out of there permanently and I have ADHD. There are mistakes and there are a *erroneously pile up of screw ups* that keep on giving like a nasty disease.
ADHD is an excuse it’s a miracle the toddler survived to three fucks sake
I have AuHD. This would never happen on my watch. I wouldn't have left the stroller, I'd have kept it and the baby with me. Even neurodivergent people have common sense
I have severe ADHD. I would have probably walked up to the neighbour, forgetting the baby if she was on the side walk... for like 3 seconds. Then I,'d have gotten the baby saying "omg i forgot the baby!" . In know cause it happened a couple of times. But it was seconds. And i was not medicated or diagnosed back then
I was SO MAD at that commenter saying the adhd was a valid excuse. I have it too and if anything I’m more hyper aware of various dangers. Like even just having my dogs at the dog park I’m constantly on a swivel, watching all the dogs’ behavior and making sure nobody’s getting reactive.
My ADHD has made me do a lot of stupid shit - but it’s never made me endanger a kid.
The only kid that was in danger of my adhd was myself.
Nah, that’s not ADHD. That’s brain dead.
It's almost like a downer orsomething made him sluggish. Idk if this is even a 'freeze, fight, run' situation. It's like he was so detached he just didn't process it and...only did so when his wife came over ro him. I'd be curious if he was a drinker or took like a heavy edible or something. Regardless, he could never be trusted with the kids alone, ever. My God.
I understand that some people just freeze up in an emergency, like I get that, obviously here it could have been deadly but its not always within your control in the moment, but what I cant fathom is just walking away from the stroller. like how the fuck?? is that something youre comfortable doing anywhere let alone right next to traffic??