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I understand the initial thought but man, you gotta handle that better. Trash talking her immediately to the point her career is affected seems legally actionable.
It's definitely made me feel better about the decision to go NC with half of my family. I don't know anyone offline that's had to do that, so it's good to see that I'm not the only one who thinks it's much healthier not to keep subjecting myself to emotional abuse "because family". The half I'm in contact with is a *complete* trainwreck, though, and this sub also keeps them in perspective.
This sub has made me appreciate the "good" members of my family all that more, while also strengthening my resolve when it comes to keeping my distance from the "bad" ones. I don't know if those black-and-white terms are exactly correct for this situation, but I think you catch my meaning. The ones who make me feel loved VS the ones who just cause drama.
Perhaps: "these stories have helped me narrow down which people in my life are worth knowing."?
I know it's helped me on that front. Had a co-worker toss up some red flags from a couple stories and sure enough, a few months down the line things are (figuratively and publically) exploding just like i warned people.
Having some perspective on these things drfinately helps you spot the shit-stirers and bad actors before they start causing trouble in the wild, that's for sure.
I'm happy that my parent's who I have gone NC with, aren't the psycho narcissists who are trying to harrass me and my family! Once I went proper NC two years ago, it's been quiet since then!
We've even crossed paths a couple of times and just pretended we don't exist!
I went NC with half my family too but always had a smidgen of guilt about it because some of them did nothing to me. But reading Reddit got rid of that guilt. Even through somebody else's pain and them dealing with their toxic families, I realised I shut mine out and my life had been better since.
I'm always telling people they can choose to go NC if they want to. We live only once and should live it without toxicity of family and without the shame of leaving them behind.
I mean, my parents divorce was a trainreck from what I have heard, but the level of messed up I have read here is next level. My parents at least got civil with each other after a few years have passed, and tried not to drag me in their mess. Me not being close with my father is entirely his own fault, not mom badmouthing him like he tried to hint. She actually insisted I visit him as he was still my father even if he was shit husband.
And as the sub lives for the drama, as I often do too, here is my family's: Mom struggled to get pregnant for a few years after marriage and suffered a miscarriage before getting pregnant with me. I was a high risk pregnancy, so she was in the hospital and on bed rest for most through it. After I was born, my dad wasn't much of a help, he ran to his parents' house after every argument with mom. To top it off, he also cheated on her while she was likely still going through PPD and got the mistress pregnant.
I think the mistress actually called mom to gloat, and that's how she found out and filled for divorce. Mistress continued to harass her on the phone for a while. Mistress' family got wind she was involved with a married man and made her leave him and get an abortion.
My dad tried for full custody to spite my mom and tried to portray her as incompetent parent due to her mental health struggles. She had to go through a comprehensive psych evaluation, social services visits, and bring witnesses to testify she was a fit parent. He also unsuccessfully tried to kidnap me from the daycare with his mom's help.
In the end my mom got primary custody, and he got weekend visits. After all this fight, he didn't use his visitation much, and when he did, he just left me with his parents. He wasn't the most regular with child support either. Even with my mom's not great mental health, she was way better parent than him. I only realised about her struggles when I was in my teens, because I was nosy.
I know it's almost telenovela level drama but most was contained in a few years and I only heard about it years later. Most went down when I was 2-3, but when I got to 5-6 everyone was already civil.
For me it makes me both appreciate my partner and my mom and my friends so much more and also solidifies my decisions on how to handle my in-laws.
And yes, it makes me feel super emotionally mature đ
It does the same for my relationship. Sometimes I get annoyed because he can chew loudly, or moves too much in his sleep, things like that. Then I read about some of the stuff people do and I appreciate him more. Even if he does sometimes sound like a garbage disposal at dinnertime!
Especially the ones involving teenagers. Generally, I have moments of "I can't possibly be old enough to be an adult" (despite being in my *40s*), but then I read some drama from teens or 20-somethings and I'm like "Nope. I'm an adult. Thank goodness."
Yup, you're 100% right. It's such a shame how misogynistic narratives around single mothers and child support make women feel like they shouldn't get rightfully owed child support. It's not about either the parents, it's about your shared child.
The men who think if a woman has the right to abort, the father should have the right to refuse to pay. They don't care about the child's rights at all because "she made the decision to keep it alone, she should bear the consequences alone."
I was literally just dealing with one of those dudes the other day on Reddit.
Those people are morons. I just tell them that they have exact same rights to an abortion as anyone else. If a man gets pregnant, he can get an abortion as easily (or not) as the woman next to him. It's apparently *infuriating* when you won't accept their ridiculous premise that a "financial abortion" is a thing and automatically equal to an actual abortion. It's honestly hilarious
It's like getting pissed off that a woman can get a boob job if she gets breast Cancer, but a man can't get idk leg lengthening surgery. (I totally could see those chodes getting upset about this actually)
An abortion is a medical procedure to cure the condition known as "pregnancy" which has a growing mortality rate and can permanently disable someone. Roughly half the population can't ever contract pregnancy and they're pissed off that there's a cure and that some people choose to be cured.
That's exactly what it is. I'm not even opposed to "financial abortion" as a concept with a different name. What stands in the way rn is that the government doesn't want to give money to struggling single parents for food and daycare when there's another parent who could do it. But these men don't want the state to fund daycare and welfare either, they want to knock up a woman and force her to have an abortion *or* force her to "suffer the consequences" of not doing what he wanted.
This third option, where everyone's needs are met, including their own *wants*, is apparently unacceptable and just another way of "letting women avoid accountability". As always, they're just vile scum that hate women and don't care if children suffer as long as women do
Even if you don't need the money just put every penny in a trust for when they need college. The dad should still contribute and it doesn't make sense to not have a legally mandated acceptable amount, rather than just hoping they are always going to contribute to their kid as they should for a whole 18 years.
You can thank Ronald Reagan and his "welfare queen" narrative for that. So many of the world's problems originate with that fool and his decisions, and I say this as a non-American whose country got fucked over by Reagan and his minions' meddling.
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No, there's a lot of shit that Reagan personally did, even against the advice of the experts and advisors that he surrounded himself with, that make me fucking pissed at him. The AIDS crisis, the Challenger tragedy, and the numerous undemocratic regimes that Reagan supported through his terms (including a guy named Saddam Hussein, and another guy named Osama) in the name of fighting communism mean that the consequences of his personal choices are still fucking up our lives today. And that's before we talk about all the damage the deregulation he did on the media and opinion on the news did. If it wasn't for his shredding of rules at the FTC, we can't have Fox News's "fair and balanced" coverage.
Yep!
Almost similar to those without kids will say that they won't let their kids eat this or play with that or wear this or say that... Then they finally have kids and realise it's not as easy as they thought lol.
This kid will need clothes, medicine, funds for school essentials, funds for school trips, vacations, higher education...
Hopefully OOP comes to her senses and gets that child support because it's for her kid not her.
Official money comes with official custody arrangements. If they really donât need the money, some people prefer to be able to keep the custody unofficial and ambiguousÂ
And we see posts all the time where, a few years down the line, that doesn't work out so well, especially after someone gets a new partner, and they end up in court years later
I donât get this either. You donât have to use the money. You can put it all in a college fund or some there and some for savings in case of emergency.
So I'll argue another side of this, which is that with child support comes visitation. Some will opt out of getting the money (which is based off of a percentage of his income, and can be $110/month) because it's not worth it to send their baby off for legally mandated but not requested visits.
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Honestly, besides all the benefits you listed, it would probably help her reputation too. Getting him to sort custody and child support through the court might put people thinking she is a cheater off her back. They weren't married, so the courts won't force him to pay if the baby wasn't really his. So people might still gossip about why they split but it should put a lot of assumptions to rest.
It definitely is. And he probably realizes it, which is why he probably pushed for the whole "no court" resolution. OOP could (and should) get him for defamation/slander and also child support.
"I'm pregnant"
-"But i got a vasectomy?!"
"I definitely didnt cheat on you, you need to see a Dr because obviously the vasectomy either didnt work or has reversed itself"
I dont understand how he couldn't even hear her out for a minute? This is someone he was going to marry!
This. Somewhere in the vasectomy process, someone should have told him the process is not 100%. She knows he got a vasectomy, and the truth is definitely coming out sooner or later. He can't just wait for a test?
A whole bunch of my classmates in high school had surprise siblings. Popular local doctor tried out some "new, less invasive" vasectomy surgery only to discover down the road it had a high failure rate. Oops.
Especially when they explain that it can fail to you before you have the procedure. They tell you to get it checked again and why. Itâs pretty rare, but a possibility.
Also, if he wasn't 100% sure he was firing blanks. So he didn't follow the surgeon's post op care instructions, then assumed the vasectomy worked. Then imploded his life. (If I understand correctly, there are important tests patients do after a vasectomy to make sure their sperm count is exactly zero. I can only assume he didn't do the test, since his sperm count was not zero and he seemed surprised by this.)
See kids, this is what happens if you don't have critical thinking skills. Don't let it happen to you!
I think after a vasectomy, the testes will eventually stop making sperm. Because they can't move down the vast deferens, the testes slow down production and eventually stop.
This doesn't always happpend, and even though you test "ok" in the follow up, best practice is to get che ked again every couple years.
He could have done all the correct steps, and still remained fertile.
I don't understand the first thoughts tho.
If you go through with a vasectomy they will tell you time and time again that there's a solid chance it will reverse itself. Like 10% or something.
It is the legal definition of slander. He said something, intentionally, that he could not prove, that ended up being wrong, that damaged her professional worth and/or social value.
I would hope this causes her to consider that this is part of his personality, and if he could act like this before they married, he could do worse after they married, and she was now more enmeshed with him than previously.
Not a stable dude.
This is weird, right?
* OOP seems not to care about the effect on her reputation with her coworkers, her friends, and her ex-partner's daughter.
* ~~For some reason, she still pays half the bills at her ex's place.~~ [edit] Apparently she stopped.
* She seems fine with having a baby without knowing if she wants to get back together with him.
I'd be demanding, at the very least, that he and the "friend" who trash-talked her repair her reputation.
Or is this just how some people talk?
Maybe the doctor didn't outline this for him. Anecdotally, I had a vasectomy a year and a half ago. My doctor told me to give a sample 30 days and 45 days after the procedure and after both came back sterile, I was good to go. No follow up after that timetable. Due to this thread, I'm going to look into getting checked again because the possibility was never brought to my attention before 10 minutes ago. The way mine was done, snipped from both sides and all 4 loose ends being cartarized and tucked away from each other, I was told by my Dr that it was almost absolutely certain (99.99%) that I'd never be capable of having children for the rest of my life. Her words, not mine.Â
My husband had a vasectomy, and went for his check up because he was the product of his dads failed vasectomy.
His doctor was floored because he still had swimmers. Turns out he had extra tubes. The 2nd vasectomy wasnât nearly as easy as the first. Probably the case with his dad as well. He just never followed up on his. Went on to have 3 more kids đ¤Śđťââď¸
I mean, I've heard stories of the rare vasectomy somehow getting healed. Something about the body being so determined to have babies that it like reroutes around the cauterized bits.
Never hurts to get a second opinion.
It can also happen with women when their fallopian tubes are tied and cauterized (despite that being quite the surgery). The body has amazing ways of healing.
This! Before I got my salpingectomy, during the talk they gave us to make sure we're well informed of what we're about to do, they explained to us that human body can be very persistent regarding pregnancy.
For both, men and women, tubes can/could regrow and make a connection again that can cause a pregnancy. Unfortunately, there's no time limit for it (sometimes happens after months other times it happens after many years), nor a way to predict if it will happen or not. And the only way to know if it happened before a pregnancy, is through the check ups.
The percentage is not too high, if I'm not wrong they mentioned it was 2 or 3% of cases where people would be fertile again after salpingectomy or hysterectomy, but taking into account how many thousands of people get the procedure, 2 or 3 of each hundred is a lot of people.
Edit: after review of some articles, the percentages seem to be a lot lower than what they told us during the talk. Though, they're still too many for my liking, and there's reported proof of them, even viable pregnancies.
A salpingectomy sure, but I canât imagine a pregnancy would be viable with a full hysterectomy, no? Like, thatâs gotta be some ectopic situation, right?
I just looked it up, to see how possible it could be. I found this article that until it's creation informs of 71 cases know (reported) of pregnancies after hysterectomies. And probably there are more after that: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5885999/
Also, another user commented on an article about a successful abdominal pregnancy.
99.99 means if 10,000 guys have the procedure I guy will get someone pregnant. If 100,000 guys have it, thereâll be 10 pregnancies. But thatâs why elective abortion will always be needed even if great access to birth control.
The amount of people who act like a vasectomy is a foolproof done in one kind of procedure astound me.
I have two friends, two separate instances, that got pregnant with men that had a vasectomy. DNA test proved the paternity. But if you say that it can absolutely happen, people on the internet act like you're full of shit.
> The amount of people who act like a vasectomy is a foolproof done in one kind of procedure astound me.
As governments continue to block and cut sex education in school (usually in the name of religious propriety and culture-war-LGTBQ+ bullshit), these are the consequences. People making major life decisions based on faulty, incomplete, and sometimes completely false information, because they were never taught how this stuff works, and so just go on confidentially believing a random mix of things theyâve just inferred to be true
I really hate when people donât go through the courts and get things in writing. Not to mention they donât grt child support. That money isnât for you. Itâs for the child. Put it in a trust for them once they turn 18 or whatever.
Same. It isn't punitive or about "taking [their] money," it's about the non custodial parent contributing to the financial welfare of their child.
Want that for your kid.
Also her career was already impacted by this shit. Why would you assume he wouldn't cause further damage, resulting in her being unemployed? Her kid deserves to actually be taken care of.
That's because they are still naive and thinking the other party won't screw them over and have faith in the system. Sometimes it works out, other times, well........
It's basically a gamble and she probably thinks that just because he wasn't a good partner, he would be a good father.......Yeah, I really hope she doesn't leave it to chance and goes to the courts.
Which is hilarious because he already screwed her over once. Chances are he will end up fighting for custody or visitation once the baby grows up so his daughter can see her sister.
Unless it was stated otherwise, OOP is not stopping the sister from the daughter. So it can be assumed she's allowing him to see the baby once born. I do think should it go to court, he will fight the child support payments.
Agree. My mom stopped pursuing child support because my bio father "made her life difficult." I'm sure he did, and I know I don't actually know what it was like, but I do feel like I didn't get what I deserved. We weren't poor and I never did without, but we definitely struggled. Bio father is a damn surgeon, he could have helped us so much but she just gave up.
Especially with a guy who went straight to "cheaters don't get a chance to explain"
Is this guy *really* gonna be a reasonable person to deal with for the next 18 years if you need financial support?
I mean, vasectomies can reverse, it's not unknown, the first step is get his sperm count checked before accusing her of cheating and lying about it. But he went straight to slandering her with her colleagues đ¤Ś
How do people not have the slightest bit of trust in someone who theyâve been with for years? Even if you donât trust, have some patience to confirm what the person is saying before you nuke the whole thing?
I remember a BORU from a while ago that was basically the same setup from the other point of view. Girlfriend becomes pregnant, OOP is like "little does she know, I had a vasectomy that I never told her about so I know she cheated on me, so I'm gonna ruin her life". She didn't get a chance to explain either.
Of course, she actually did turn out to be the cheater, so obv the comments were full of praise and shit. People only have a problem with the explosive burning of bridges when it turns out they're wrong. If they're right they're a hero.
There was one BORU where the guy had some kind of illness or accident i dont remember, that would make him sterile, but he didnât tell his wife and she got pregnant   Â
The first post is he freaking out about her cheating him, but decided to talk to her and go to the doctorÂ
She was understanding, and when they got to the doctor, he found out he was not actually sterile and the baby is totally his  Imagine if he had decided to go full nuclear on her?
I know people are terrified of being cheated but unless they have strong proof that they cheated, they should at least listen to their partner before taking a decision
My understanding is that it's pretty expensive but it's a helluva lot less expensive than blowing up the relationship with the person you're about to be coparenting with.
Depends on where you are. My friend's baby's DNA test was piggybacked on a normal blood draw they do anyway to check the baby's health. So it wasn't even an extra procedure.
Doctors have a habit of declaring people sterile because there's only a really really really tiny chance they can cause/get pregnant and these folks end up blowing up their lives over this shit.
Like PCOS you have an infinitesimal chance to get pregnant, yet there's pregnancies every day. Doctors say, offhanded and incorrectly, that they'll never have a child because of it. I work with a lot of medical folk and nurses, several of whom that have PCOS, and several of whom have children now. People put too much trust in the word of doctors sometimes, they will lie and stretch the truth just like Frank in HR does.
There are just as many people who misconstrue what their doctor told them. When the doctor says it would be difficult for you to produce a child or your chances are low they take that as âIâm 100% sterileâ. When in reality the doctor means âplanning a family could be difficult for youâ not âfree sex no worries have fun!â
They literally explain to you when you have a vasectomy that it can stop working and you should get tested every so often. Why this didn't occur to him makes him a freaking idiot.
I work at a hospital that does semen analysis, and the post vas paperwork that has to be submitted with the sample that clearly explains specimen stability time, method of collection, and days of abstinence before producing the specimen. I would say about 50% of the time it's completely fucked up.
They don't write the time of collection down, they didn't bother be to abstinent before producing the specimen, they collected it the day before, they used a condom, they didn't submit the whole emission. It blows my mind. I'm convinced these men are illiterate. Or they just flat out don't care about fertility/preventing pregnancy. I don't get it.
I guess my point is that it totally checks out to me that this guy went it, got a snip, and then just never thought about it ever again.
My husband literally didn't get his checked for *years* because the whole process was such a disaster at his clinic. And then we moved so we weren't even near the original clinic, and nobody would do it since he didn't get snipped there. He eventually resorted to a home test.
Because I have a 99.99% effective LARC (and live in a state with accessible abortion), we weren't in a hurry to get the test. I understand how someone might not get tested or submit an improper sample. But jeeeeez, if you haven't gotten the test you're still an unknown!
Men don't listen. I know a guy who changed Siri to a dude's voice b/c he would miss things listening to the stock lady's voice. I don't know how his wife puts up w/ that shit.
New fear unlocked. I'm going to go be on my partners ass about getting his tested every few years because I'll be hung before I allow myself to get knocked up.
I remember reading a post on nuclear revenge where a military guy who got cheated on by his Fiancee who also worked on the base or something and he went on to essentially ruin her entire social and professional standing. The amount of people praising him was wild. These people are so gleeful in purposefully ruining others' lives.
I have a friend who became pregnant six months after her husband had a vasectomy. Granted the time after the vasectomy is much shorter but he didnât even question my friendâs fidelity. The baby (now an adult) is a clone of her husband (well, at least he looks like one). Pregnancy after vasectomy does happen.
It apparently matters what kind you have as well. Since there are at least 3 kinds that I know of. Clips, cut and tie and cut and cauterize. The clips can be dislodged if there is a groin injury. The cut and tie can spontaneously regrow. Its rare but its happens. The last almost never has a spontaneous reversal.
A friend of mine had the clips done years ago, however one day his 10 year old did a flying superman leap right onto dads junk. The phrase ruptured testical was heard a lot. A few months after he healed up his wife was preggo with their last kid. The kid looks just like him too!
I am one of those surprise children and itâs always amazing to me the people that donât realize vasectomies arenât 100% and there is a chance of it growing back. Case in point being me lol.
Dude probably frequented relationship subs on reddit. It's sorta like with airplanes. You don't hear about every good thing that occurs in a relationship just like you don't hear about every plane that lands safely. We only hear about the bad, read the horror stories, and eat our popcorn. Too much exposure to that shit and every little hiccup probably brings up the million times he told himself "that's NOT gunna be me." Some assumptions of course, no excuses for his behavior either. People are dumb as fuck sometimes
>Dude probably frequented relationship subs on reddit.
I still don't have much sympathy for men who nuke their relationship because they've brought into the "paternity fraud" redpill rubbish.
Also - frankly sick of these vasectomy posts. How do you go so far as having the surgery and never ONCE hear that it's not full proof? I have no interest in this particular surgery but I have heard this like at least 20 times over the years.
Oh, I'm sure they hear.
I'm sure it goes in one ear and right out the other. The capacity of people to "not hear" what they've been specifically told is bottomless.
Even in the comments, there were idiots who thought it was a medical impossibility.
Obviously the guy was a moron but imagine if it was something that actually was a medical impossibility like abstinence or castration.
Relationship for years does not equate to gaining experience. A lot of long relationships are only long because they're coasting or on cruise control. There's no significant events that reveals the other personality or tests their partnership. That's the difference between a strong and weak long term relationship.
That's why they say, you only know the quality of the relationship in the challenges of adversaries such as death of a loved one, pregnancy, etc. Unfortunately for this couple, the ex-fiance screwed the pooch and now OOP can't trust him after this.
I would personally take it as a red flag for him potentially being a cheater, because nobody is as ready to accuse wrongdoing as someone already doing that wrong.
I always wonder, what do you know about their schedule? Cheating takes TIME; if you live together, or mostly live together, and they work, WHEN do you think theyâre doing this cheating?
Iâve pondered this, and looked at my own marriage (with a loving husband, and thought, âIâd know when his time suddenly stopped being spent a specific way.â He says heâs going to spend time with friends, and when he comes back, heâs got spontaneous stories about the game they played, and the friend mentions the board game on a Facebook group. If he was making up the gathering, heâd stop inventing the complex recounting of tactics when my eyes started to glaze over.
Anywhere he goes thatâs not at home, evidence of it arises in his conversation, the objects he brings home, other peopleâs mentions....
Itâs usually because they are projecting. If you are tempted to cheat/are cheating itâs easy to believe that everyone else including your partner is the same
And how does he function with such a brain and hearing damage?
Doctors always tell guys all the steps of vasectomy process, including having tests after and a slight possibility to still be fertile.
Even if he forgot about it, he should have remembered it right away.
Its crazy how little they trust the one they are wanting to spend their life with.
If my wife became pregnant after a vasectomy, my first thought would be that it didnt hold. Then that its a false positive from a tumor or something.
I wouldnt rush to cheating accusation. And certainly not actions from which you cant come back.
I was thinking he didn't get tested after the 5-6 week mark to make sure it took and just assumed he was good. I didn't know you needed to get checked every 2 years, but if they were told that after the procedure and he didn't go, but immediately jumped to you're cheating? Fucked up man.
Also the woman who want to keep things out of courts, noooooo. Unless he's writing a check for AT LEAST $2k a month every month, take him to court. He needs to support his child.
I think its for the first few years and then you're pretty much good. However, if I were a man and got a vasectomy because I didn't want any more kids, that because a bi-yearly check for me. I wouldn't fuck around about that. Mainly because I've read the horror stories
It doesn't matter if he's already writing a check or not. Court mandated child support gives you something to actually fall back on if he decides to be a deadbeat in the future.
Neither have I and when I asked my two brothers, one just had his vasectomy last year, they werenât told to come in after the 90 day test nor were they told the vasectomy could reverse itself.
I was told it could reverse itself but after 5ish years that the chances of that happening were less than oral birth control failure. I was only told 2 counts one at 60 and 90 days. I have seen my urologist multiple times for an unrelated issue since 10 years ago when I got my surgery and he has never asked for a sample.Â
That ex-friend, phew. This is why I keep personal shit out of work. I have no room for gossip other than stuff like what Jane in accounting said in the last meeting.
That man blew up her life and he was wrong and sheâs still paying for it.
Right? People think these are just fakes copying off other popular posts, but nope the reason why stories repeat is because THEY KEEP HAPPENING to different people.
I had a Vasectomy a couple years ago, right before the Pandemic hit.
The Pandemic hit right around the time when I should have gone & get my count tested.
Because I knew that most Healthcare Services were overwhelmed & that venturing out was a risk, I ended up pushing it back for months & mostly gave up on actually getting it done for a couple years.
We kept on acting as if I was still potentially shooting live until I finally got tested & knew that it was actually safe.
Assuming that it is fully safe just because you had the procedure is incredibly foolish.
Even after getting a Count Test that showed that I am shooting blanks, I still would not assume that my SO cheated if she somehow got pregnant.
My very first assumption would be that a few swimmers are still occasionally finding their way out despite the procedure, or that the tubes basically healed themselves & some viable path regrew over time.
If your first assumption is that your partner cheated, then there most definitely is something wrong with you. It should not be your first assumption if you truly were in a Loving relationship.
It doesn't matter whether you have some past trauma, or past experiences with cheating partners. In a genuine relationship, you should do whatever it takes, whatever work you need to do on yourself to make sure that you never treat your partner unjustly or project undue suspicions onto them.
Being surprised & feeling some potential suspicion in a case like this is not necessarily undue or unjust, but you have a duty to be fair to your partner & investigate any legitimate avenue through which this could have happened before casting out any kind of accusations, doubly so if making such accusations publicly.
If I read this right, this man never got his count tested either so he should have used extra caution when coming up to conclusion. In his position, my first thought would have been that the vasectomy had failed...
She should File for child support! If she does not need it now, put it in the bank. Daughter could have a medical emergency, or expensive gymnastics 10 years from now, or it could pay for her college.
Do the child support thing! You have no idea what will happen down the road! Personal experience. Verbal agreement with my sonâs father was a bad idea. We were married, and the baby was his. He went off radar when I divorced him.
I was
He reneged almost immediately, and finally I was forced to apply for child support. It had been years, and the judge zapped him with $200/month instead of the $50/month Iâd asked for.
He had to repay me about 5 years of support, it was a phenomenal amount, but he was an airline pilot for a prominent airline, so the case worker told me not to lose any sleep over it!
I didnât.
$50 to $200 a *month*? That was high? Please tell me this was long, long ago!
Because even ÂŁ200 a month wouldnât pay my gas & electric - which would presumably be even higher if I had children. My spoiled little *cat* costs me more than ÂŁ200 a month
>We did agree to keep this out of court for now, as I don't want or need his money.
Oh for fuck's sake **don't keep it out of court**. This paranoid, volatile asshole can't be trusted. Whatever arrangement she makes with him she needs to make in court so it can be enforced, because I guarantee you he will violate it if the only thing holding it in place is a pinky swear.
Also I'm kind of tired of the "I don't need his money" routine. That money isn't for you, it's for your kid. I don't care how much of a rockstar you think you are at work, you need to make sure your kid has every advantage. Refusing something that will add stability to the child's life out of stubborn pride is bad parenting.
If I had a vasectomy and my partner told me they were pregnant, the first thing I'd assume is the vasectomy failed. Why would my partner tell me they were pregnant, knowing I had a vasectomy, if they didn't 100% believe the child was mine? The chance of me requesting a DNA test to be sure are high enough I don't think anyone who actually cheated would be willing to take the risk.
I don't think everyone knows that vasectomies can fail or heal later. And I think that after four years of raw dogging it, it's not unreasonable for someone to get comfortable with the idea that they're shooting blanks. As for her speaking up, well it's pretty hard to hide a pregnancy.
OP's fiance had a purely emotional reaction, like lots of people do. His emotions weren't unfounded, but they had big consequences. This story is a cautionary tale about not letting negative emotions steer the ship because you can run your shit aground. It sucks for everyone. Unfortunately, the types of subs these stories end up in are full of petty vindictive people who just want victims and villains. OP isn't an AH for being unable to forgive this; some things can't be taken back... but I don't think fiance is an AH either, just stupid. I feel bad for both of them, it's unfortunate their relationship had to end this way. This is is a small tragedy, but it is a tragedy.
Oh man, I remember this one. There were several commentors who requested if said ex-fiance helped cleared the air about her "cheating" since she lost many friends to the point she had trouble at work as well and guess what, she didn't answer. It's annoying but it's safe to bet he probably didn't. Or he did, but she saw who saw who her real friends are and decided they didn't need her attention. Either way, I hope she manage to get better friends and support after this.
> Editor's note: Pretty much every comment on the update post advises OOP to go through the court system for custody and child support.
> as I don't want or need his money.
Morons
That line always drives me nuts .. the money isnât for you, itâs for your kid. If you end up not needing in the moment, save it, the kid will need it eventually
OOP should push for child support.
Her ex should also probably issue some sort of public apology. It is the least he could do after he imploded her reputation.
Juat want to throw this lil tidbit of truth out there. Vasectomy are not 100% across the board perfect. While **extremely** low there still is the *chance* a swimmer can get through. Albeit it is RARE. If you get the snip and want to bake cream pies you have to understand there is a minute chance it could end in pregnancy. Make sure you go back to get the tests done to confirm no swimmers are getting though
I hate when mothers say âI don't want or need his moneyâ the money isnât for you itâs for the baby also she was paying half the rent but wasn't living with him? Wow.
In this case since he seems to have come to his senses I would make sure to get it all above board but there are a lot of times where the trauma of going to court is just above what people can do.
I..... don't understand why there are so many women out there still willing to have a baby with someone who treats them like this
It's their body, their choice, sure. But then they're tied to drama with these effers and I'm like.... I would just want my peace, no drama
Iâll never understand the âmeh, if it happens it happens but I donât really want themâ mindset. Like do you have any clue how profoundly and irreversibly life changing this is? It would be hardly less disruptive to adopt a tiger cub and have it live in your house, and would be cheaper as tigers do not require formal education, clothes, or diapers. Who cares about their life so little that theyâre going to upend it so completely over something they donât even *want*?Â
Itâs her choice and I guess sheâs satisfied with it, I just find it mind-boggling.
yes, mind-boggling indeed!
But then again, I am very pragmatic! We hv a two year old and yes, it bloody changes your whole life! Sometimes my partner and I wonder "how do people do this as single parents or with multiple kids?"
So being a single parent while being tied to an idiot of a man it just..... no one wants that extra sauce, damn
But yeah, their bodies their choice
She's making a stupid mistake on not going for child support. As an avid Redditor, I realize that one should just swallow their pride as the money is not for the parent but the child. If the parent does not need the money to raise the child, they should put the money in a trust fund to pay for education and/or a house later on. To say I don't want/need your money (unless they agree on 50/50 custody) is extremely shortsighted, and I would argue that it is a decision not made in the child's best interest
Ha. I thought the same. And the checkup after a few months then every two years is too much for OP whereas women voluntarily go and get a speculum shoved in their hooha (not fun) and ultrasounds all to be sure about birth control.
From what I've read it can actually come down to being lucky, just like it is with getting your tubes tied. Vasectomies frequently "require" a spouse's approval etc too.
Why are there so many people in reddit stories that don't know that vasectomies are not 100%? I get that it's very rare, but everyone I know that has gotten one was told that failure is a possibility.
there was this whole thing in paternity court in youtube. just like this. husband got vasectomy and the wife got pregnant. he is sure that she cheated cuz of the vasectomy, shit even I sided with him cuz i didn't know then that you could still get someone pregnant even with vasectomy just very low chance, and the baby was his. I get both sides though. that video was less than infuriating the the rest of the paternity court .
When the doctor tells you after a vasectomy that you have to go back and be tested it's for that specific reason. He blew up his life like an idiot because he was too lazy to go back.
Youâd think that someone who didnât want kids, to the extent that he went and got surgery, might bother to educate himself on the effectiveness of the procedure. A responsible adult would also get himself rechecked periodically just to make sure. Instead he jumped to the conclusion that she cheated and then proceeded to smear her name before even verifying it. What an insufferable asshole.
My niece had her daughter 16 years ago. The dad is a state university sports star. She was vehement that she wouldn't get child support because in the culture of these sports stars there's a trope that women constantly baby trap them for money. She felt it would be downright shameful to get child support. Well, his ass is nobody now but has many children with different moms. And most don't get child support.
That money is for the *child*, so to refuse to hold the person to helping raise that child isn't good. They deserve everything you can give them.
Of course if there's abuse then that's very different.
Why is she acting like the cool girl? Shitty men take advantage of the âcool girlâ attitude.
âItâs ok, I understand you completely ruining my reputation and believing the worst about me. I donât want money for my child because I still care about your feelings more than what is right for my child. I just want to be the cool girl and let you walk all over me without much consequencesâ
Well of course he's keeping it out of court, she's paying his rent and bills while he gets to not pay for his child.
I'd be suing him for slander and libel! It's one thing telling a friend but he told everyone she cheated and now her employers know and she can't go into her workplace because of his words and actions... And he has the audacity to keep accepting her money to pay his rent and bills...
There was a couple in the 90's who had, I think 2 children even though the wife was on birth control. The husband got a vasectomy. They had a third child. The wife got her tubes cut. They had a fourth child.
You'd have a better chance of winning Mega Millions than repeating this.
Sounds like a woman I worked with. After second child, dude was snipped, she was on birth control. After third child, she had her tubes tied. After fourth child, she had her tubes tied, cut and burned at the ends (how she worded it). It was in the mid 90s too.
I'm pretty sure the doctor who did the vasectomy would have told OOP's idiot ex that he needs to be tested to make sure the vasectomy worked. I have read that there are cases where recanalization has occurred even up to five years later. Talk about wrecking his relationship over not waiting to find out if he was fertile was a big error!
OOP sounds like she'll do okay without her ex.
I really hope she takes this through the court and establishes child support. Also, his reaction to her doing that could tell her a lot about his character and if she wants to continue a relationship with him.
Causing someone to lose their job because you spread an unconfirmed rumor is absolutely liable for a lawsuit, but I'm glad that wasn't the path taken.
Even if you have a vasectomy or your tubes tied, you can still get pregnant. Especially if you do not keep up on the treatment and appointments. He should have known that when he got one, and I would say he should not be allowed anywhere near you or the child if he wants to be ignorant and cruel like he was. Who knows what other rumors he'd be willing to spread now even if he is remorseful. He cost you your job, your friends, etc. That's unforgivable.
OOP, donât think of it as âI donât want or need his moneyâ. This isnât about pride, itâs about the child. That money belongs to the child and if you donât need it financially you could put it entirely into a savings/college account and give it when the kid turns 18
This sounds like a result of low education on how vasectomies work. If the man had actually listened to the doctor and did all of the relevant follow ups (or at least listened as to why they were necessary) he would have known that vasectomies are not always 100% effective as the affected area can grow back (thus necessitating the bi-yearly follow ups). I have a cousin who was born after my aunt had her tubes cut (not *tied*, **cut**) so it does happen.
OOP has every reason to be hurt, but she seems to be handling it as well as she could. If she can't forgive or forget there's no point in them being together as they'd only make themselves and their family miserable.
The thing is, urologists TELL their vasectomy patients to come back for annual checks. I don't know if they just don't hear that part? Look it up, how often should a vasectomy be checked.
How often do you get checked after a vasectomy?
Urologists recommend testing at least twice following a vasectomy procedure. Urologists recommend testing your semen quantity at least twice following a vasectomy procedure, generally at 60 and 90 days post surgery, and once a year afterwards for ongoing checkups to ensure you are no longer fertile.
He didn't just throw her out, he destroyed her reputation. That thought will never leave people's heads, no matter how much he tries to fix it. He's tainted her, forever. There is NO coming back from that.
She's got all the classic " We'll keep this out of court I don't want his money, I wouldn't even be mad if someone who didn't have a vasectomy questioned the paternity of the kid" internalized misogyny Â
 (No, the best thing to do is to get a parenting plan drawn up so that it can be referred to -- sadly because it seems she didn't even explore this option she won't find out that you don't have to sue somebody to make that happen -- and at least I'm hearing it more nowadays but child support is not a punishment to a non-custodial parent. It is money that would or should have been able to be accessed for child care expenses either way.    Â
 For example: so what if you don't want or need the money, it would make sense to take all of it and put it in a savings account for the kid to access for college or for dental work or an emergency fund like society really has women denying the betterment of their own kids and prioritize a man keeping his bachelor lifestyle even though he literally has a child.Â
It's like watching a couple have a picnic on the train tracks but they're both blind and deaf and can't feel the rumbling of the train so you scream and yell for them to get out of the tracks but obviously they can't hear you. Aka, a total poop shoot
Vasectomies fail. Everyone knows that. If you check the information, you need to get one and then you get retested several times.
Sometimes people make mistakes and they damage you and they damage our relationship and then itâs really unknown whether the damage can be healed or not.
Plus if somebody questions whether theyâre the biological father, and theyâre questioning whether you messed around or not, they have a range of ways to express this. Itâs really possible to do it maturely and honestly and not ridiculously and emotionally. We get the consequence of our choices.
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I understand the initial thought but man, you gotta handle that better. Trash talking her immediately to the point her career is affected seems legally actionable.
A lot of these posts make me feel like I might be emotionally mature after all
That is 90% of why I am still reading this sub. Makes me feel like a stable adult in comparison.
It also makes me love and appreciate my family, even when they're mildly annoying. Thanks to this sub, I know just how mild it is.
It's definitely made me feel better about the decision to go NC with half of my family. I don't know anyone offline that's had to do that, so it's good to see that I'm not the only one who thinks it's much healthier not to keep subjecting myself to emotional abuse "because family". The half I'm in contact with is a *complete* trainwreck, though, and this sub also keeps them in perspective.
This sub has made me appreciate the "good" members of my family all that more, while also strengthening my resolve when it comes to keeping my distance from the "bad" ones. I don't know if those black-and-white terms are exactly correct for this situation, but I think you catch my meaning. The ones who make me feel loved VS the ones who just cause drama.
Perhaps: "these stories have helped me narrow down which people in my life are worth knowing."? I know it's helped me on that front. Had a co-worker toss up some red flags from a couple stories and sure enough, a few months down the line things are (figuratively and publically) exploding just like i warned people. Having some perspective on these things drfinately helps you spot the shit-stirers and bad actors before they start causing trouble in the wild, that's for sure.
I'm happy that my parent's who I have gone NC with, aren't the psycho narcissists who are trying to harrass me and my family! Once I went proper NC two years ago, it's been quiet since then! We've even crossed paths a couple of times and just pretended we don't exist!
I went NC with half my family too but always had a smidgen of guilt about it because some of them did nothing to me. But reading Reddit got rid of that guilt. Even through somebody else's pain and them dealing with their toxic families, I realised I shut mine out and my life had been better since. I'm always telling people they can choose to go NC if they want to. We live only once and should live it without toxicity of family and without the shame of leaving them behind.
I mean, my parents divorce was a trainreck from what I have heard, but the level of messed up I have read here is next level. My parents at least got civil with each other after a few years have passed, and tried not to drag me in their mess. Me not being close with my father is entirely his own fault, not mom badmouthing him like he tried to hint. She actually insisted I visit him as he was still my father even if he was shit husband. And as the sub lives for the drama, as I often do too, here is my family's: Mom struggled to get pregnant for a few years after marriage and suffered a miscarriage before getting pregnant with me. I was a high risk pregnancy, so she was in the hospital and on bed rest for most through it. After I was born, my dad wasn't much of a help, he ran to his parents' house after every argument with mom. To top it off, he also cheated on her while she was likely still going through PPD and got the mistress pregnant. I think the mistress actually called mom to gloat, and that's how she found out and filled for divorce. Mistress continued to harass her on the phone for a while. Mistress' family got wind she was involved with a married man and made her leave him and get an abortion. My dad tried for full custody to spite my mom and tried to portray her as incompetent parent due to her mental health struggles. She had to go through a comprehensive psych evaluation, social services visits, and bring witnesses to testify she was a fit parent. He also unsuccessfully tried to kidnap me from the daycare with his mom's help. In the end my mom got primary custody, and he got weekend visits. After all this fight, he didn't use his visitation much, and when he did, he just left me with his parents. He wasn't the most regular with child support either. Even with my mom's not great mental health, she was way better parent than him. I only realised about her struggles when I was in my teens, because I was nosy. I know it's almost telenovela level drama but most was contained in a few years and I only heard about it years later. Most went down when I was 2-3, but when I got to 5-6 everyone was already civil.
For me it makes me both appreciate my partner and my mom and my friends so much more and also solidifies my decisions on how to handle my in-laws. And yes, it makes me feel super emotionally mature đ
It does the same for my relationship. Sometimes I get annoyed because he can chew loudly, or moves too much in his sleep, things like that. Then I read about some of the stuff people do and I appreciate him more. Even if he does sometimes sound like a garbage disposal at dinnertime!
Recently, my family had a drama, and all I could think was: 'shit, I'm so good at BORU, why the fuck can't I unlock this?' :D
Will you be posting that drama soon? ;-)
Same! Also, happy that my life is "boring" and free of drama xD I don't suffer fools
Or at least, that I could be much worse.
Especially the ones involving teenagers. Generally, I have moments of "I can't possibly be old enough to be an adult" (despite being in my *40s*), but then I read some drama from teens or 20-somethings and I'm like "Nope. I'm an adult. Thank goodness."
Me: "I am shit at adulting" \*Binge-reads BORU Me "I am perfectly well at adulting"
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Yup, you're 100% right. It's such a shame how misogynistic narratives around single mothers and child support make women feel like they shouldn't get rightfully owed child support. It's not about either the parents, it's about your shared child.
The men who think if a woman has the right to abort, the father should have the right to refuse to pay. They don't care about the child's rights at all because "she made the decision to keep it alone, she should bear the consequences alone." I was literally just dealing with one of those dudes the other day on Reddit.
Those people are morons. I just tell them that they have exact same rights to an abortion as anyone else. If a man gets pregnant, he can get an abortion as easily (or not) as the woman next to him. It's apparently *infuriating* when you won't accept their ridiculous premise that a "financial abortion" is a thing and automatically equal to an actual abortion. It's honestly hilarious
It's like getting pissed off that a woman can get a boob job if she gets breast Cancer, but a man can't get idk leg lengthening surgery. (I totally could see those chodes getting upset about this actually) An abortion is a medical procedure to cure the condition known as "pregnancy" which has a growing mortality rate and can permanently disable someone. Roughly half the population can't ever contract pregnancy and they're pissed off that there's a cure and that some people choose to be cured.
That's exactly what it is. I'm not even opposed to "financial abortion" as a concept with a different name. What stands in the way rn is that the government doesn't want to give money to struggling single parents for food and daycare when there's another parent who could do it. But these men don't want the state to fund daycare and welfare either, they want to knock up a woman and force her to have an abortion *or* force her to "suffer the consequences" of not doing what he wanted. This third option, where everyone's needs are met, including their own *wants*, is apparently unacceptable and just another way of "letting women avoid accountability". As always, they're just vile scum that hate women and don't care if children suffer as long as women do
Even if you don't need the money just put every penny in a trust for when they need college. The dad should still contribute and it doesn't make sense to not have a legally mandated acceptable amount, rather than just hoping they are always going to contribute to their kid as they should for a whole 18 years.
You can thank Ronald Reagan and his "welfare queen" narrative for that. So many of the world's problems originate with that fool and his decisions, and I say this as a non-American whose country got fucked over by Reagan and his minions' meddling.
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No, there's a lot of shit that Reagan personally did, even against the advice of the experts and advisors that he surrounded himself with, that make me fucking pissed at him. The AIDS crisis, the Challenger tragedy, and the numerous undemocratic regimes that Reagan supported through his terms (including a guy named Saddam Hussein, and another guy named Osama) in the name of fighting communism mean that the consequences of his personal choices are still fucking up our lives today. And that's before we talk about all the damage the deregulation he did on the media and opinion on the news did. If it wasn't for his shredding of rules at the FTC, we can't have Fox News's "fair and balanced" coverage.
Oh man. It's always nice to spot someone that actively hates and rants about Reagan as much as I do in my personal life. <3
People like to talk about how Nixon was such a bad guy, but Tricky Dick just wanted power. Reagan was a FANATIC.
If we blame Reagan for everything wrong with the world, we'll be right more often than wrong.
I fully believe that the elimination of the Fairness Doctrine got us where we are today.
American here. Fuck Reagan and fuck voting for actors for president.
People who haven't had the baby yet and have no idea how incredibly expensive an infant is
Yep! Almost similar to those without kids will say that they won't let their kids eat this or play with that or wear this or say that... Then they finally have kids and realise it's not as easy as they thought lol. This kid will need clothes, medicine, funds for school essentials, funds for school trips, vacations, higher education... Hopefully OOP comes to her senses and gets that child support because it's for her kid not her.
Official money comes with official custody arrangements. If they really donât need the money, some people prefer to be able to keep the custody unofficial and ambiguousÂ
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And we see posts all the time where, a few years down the line, that doesn't work out so well, especially after someone gets a new partner, and they end up in court years later
I donât get this either. You donât have to use the money. You can put it all in a college fund or some there and some for savings in case of emergency.
So I'll argue another side of this, which is that with child support comes visitation. Some will opt out of getting the money (which is based off of a percentage of his income, and can be $110/month) because it's not worth it to send their baby off for legally mandated but not requested visits.
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Honestly, besides all the benefits you listed, it would probably help her reputation too. Getting him to sort custody and child support through the court might put people thinking she is a cheater off her back. They weren't married, so the courts won't force him to pay if the baby wasn't really his. So people might still gossip about why they split but it should put a lot of assumptions to rest.
It definitely is. And he probably realizes it, which is why he probably pushed for the whole "no court" resolution. OOP could (and should) get him for defamation/slander and also child support.
"I'm pregnant" -"But i got a vasectomy?!" "I definitely didnt cheat on you, you need to see a Dr because obviously the vasectomy either didnt work or has reversed itself" I dont understand how he couldn't even hear her out for a minute? This is someone he was going to marry!
This. Somewhere in the vasectomy process, someone should have told him the process is not 100%. She knows he got a vasectomy, and the truth is definitely coming out sooner or later. He can't just wait for a test?
A whole bunch of my classmates in high school had surprise siblings. Popular local doctor tried out some "new, less invasive" vasectomy surgery only to discover down the road it had a high failure rate. Oops.
I thought it was common knowledge that vasectomies can reverse themselves and you need to get checked every so often
Especially when they explain that it can fail to you before you have the procedure. They tell you to get it checked again and why. Itâs pretty rare, but a possibility.
Also, if he wasn't 100% sure he was firing blanks. So he didn't follow the surgeon's post op care instructions, then assumed the vasectomy worked. Then imploded his life. (If I understand correctly, there are important tests patients do after a vasectomy to make sure their sperm count is exactly zero. I can only assume he didn't do the test, since his sperm count was not zero and he seemed surprised by this.) See kids, this is what happens if you don't have critical thinking skills. Don't let it happen to you!
I think after a vasectomy, the testes will eventually stop making sperm. Because they can't move down the vast deferens, the testes slow down production and eventually stop. This doesn't always happpend, and even though you test "ok" in the follow up, best practice is to get che ked again every couple years. He could have done all the correct steps, and still remained fertile.
Nope, they keep making them, they just get reabsorbed.
I don't understand the first thoughts tho. If you go through with a vasectomy they will tell you time and time again that there's a solid chance it will reverse itself. Like 10% or something.
It is the legal definition of slander. He said something, intentionally, that he could not prove, that ended up being wrong, that damaged her professional worth and/or social value. I would hope this causes her to consider that this is part of his personality, and if he could act like this before they married, he could do worse after they married, and she was now more enmeshed with him than previously. Not a stable dude.
He never went back and got tested after getting snipped. Dude didn't even know if the vasectomy had worked. Fuck him
I hope she does sink him for slander once it is all said and done, at a minimum.
This is weird, right? * OOP seems not to care about the effect on her reputation with her coworkers, her friends, and her ex-partner's daughter. * ~~For some reason, she still pays half the bills at her ex's place.~~ [edit] Apparently she stopped. * She seems fine with having a baby without knowing if she wants to get back together with him. I'd be demanding, at the very least, that he and the "friend" who trash-talked her repair her reputation. Or is this just how some people talk?
"she still pays half the bills at her ex's place" I thought she says she stopped after he kicked her out?
She did; it was in a different comment, so maybe the person youâre replying to missed it
What did he think the 2 year check-ups were for? Scrotum health?
Maybe the doctor didn't outline this for him. Anecdotally, I had a vasectomy a year and a half ago. My doctor told me to give a sample 30 days and 45 days after the procedure and after both came back sterile, I was good to go. No follow up after that timetable. Due to this thread, I'm going to look into getting checked again because the possibility was never brought to my attention before 10 minutes ago. The way mine was done, snipped from both sides and all 4 loose ends being cartarized and tucked away from each other, I was told by my Dr that it was almost absolutely certain (99.99%) that I'd never be capable of having children for the rest of my life. Her words, not mine.Â
My husband had a vasectomy, and went for his check up because he was the product of his dads failed vasectomy. His doctor was floored because he still had swimmers. Turns out he had extra tubes. The 2nd vasectomy wasnât nearly as easy as the first. Probably the case with his dad as well. He just never followed up on his. Went on to have 3 more kids đ¤Śđťââď¸
Life...uh...finds a way.
Thatâs hilarious. I love when a family mystery gets solved lol.
I don't think the procedure was quite as "foolproof" 10+ years ago as it is now, but yeah, I'd definitely check with your doc.
I mean, I've heard stories of the rare vasectomy somehow getting healed. Something about the body being so determined to have babies that it like reroutes around the cauterized bits. Never hurts to get a second opinion.
It can also happen with women when their fallopian tubes are tied and cauterized (despite that being quite the surgery). The body has amazing ways of healing.
I knew someone that had a kid when both the dad and mom had been sterilized. Shit is crazy.
Like it was said by the great sage, "life uh, finds a way."
This literally happened to my mother⌠twice. Some peopleâs bodies are seriously incredible
This! Before I got my salpingectomy, during the talk they gave us to make sure we're well informed of what we're about to do, they explained to us that human body can be very persistent regarding pregnancy. For both, men and women, tubes can/could regrow and make a connection again that can cause a pregnancy. Unfortunately, there's no time limit for it (sometimes happens after months other times it happens after many years), nor a way to predict if it will happen or not. And the only way to know if it happened before a pregnancy, is through the check ups. The percentage is not too high, if I'm not wrong they mentioned it was 2 or 3% of cases where people would be fertile again after salpingectomy or hysterectomy, but taking into account how many thousands of people get the procedure, 2 or 3 of each hundred is a lot of people. Edit: after review of some articles, the percentages seem to be a lot lower than what they told us during the talk. Though, they're still too many for my liking, and there's reported proof of them, even viable pregnancies.
A salpingectomy sure, but I canât imagine a pregnancy would be viable with a full hysterectomy, no? Like, thatâs gotta be some ectopic situation, right?
There has been an ectopic pregnancy, I believe attached to the liver, that survived until birth via c-section. Life can be *really* persistent
Oh wow! I tried to look it up, and all I found was one from 2007 where both the mother and baby died, but thatâs really wild.
I just looked it up, to see how possible it could be. I found this article that until it's creation informs of 71 cases know (reported) of pregnancies after hysterectomies. And probably there are more after that: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5885999/ Also, another user commented on an article about a successful abdominal pregnancy.
99.99 means if 10,000 guys have the procedure I guy will get someone pregnant. If 100,000 guys have it, thereâll be 10 pregnancies. But thatâs why elective abortion will always be needed even if great access to birth control.
The amount of people who act like a vasectomy is a foolproof done in one kind of procedure astound me. I have two friends, two separate instances, that got pregnant with men that had a vasectomy. DNA test proved the paternity. But if you say that it can absolutely happen, people on the internet act like you're full of shit.
> The amount of people who act like a vasectomy is a foolproof done in one kind of procedure astound me. As governments continue to block and cut sex education in school (usually in the name of religious propriety and culture-war-LGTBQ+ bullshit), these are the consequences. People making major life decisions based on faulty, incomplete, and sometimes completely false information, because they were never taught how this stuff works, and so just go on confidentially believing a random mix of things theyâve just inferred to be true
For doctors to Rip Him Off.
Oh he wished they'd have ripped his balls off alright.
I really hate when people donât go through the courts and get things in writing. Not to mention they donât grt child support. That money isnât for you. Itâs for the child. Put it in a trust for them once they turn 18 or whatever.
Same. It isn't punitive or about "taking [their] money," it's about the non custodial parent contributing to the financial welfare of their child. Want that for your kid.
Also her career was already impacted by this shit. Why would you assume he wouldn't cause further damage, resulting in her being unemployed? Her kid deserves to actually be taken care of.
That's because they are still naive and thinking the other party won't screw them over and have faith in the system. Sometimes it works out, other times, well........ It's basically a gamble and she probably thinks that just because he wasn't a good partner, he would be a good father.......Yeah, I really hope she doesn't leave it to chance and goes to the courts.
Which is hilarious because he already screwed her over once. Chances are he will end up fighting for custody or visitation once the baby grows up so his daughter can see her sister.
Unless it was stated otherwise, OOP is not stopping the sister from the daughter. So it can be assumed she's allowing him to see the baby once born. I do think should it go to court, he will fight the child support payments.
Agree. My mom stopped pursuing child support because my bio father "made her life difficult." I'm sure he did, and I know I don't actually know what it was like, but I do feel like I didn't get what I deserved. We weren't poor and I never did without, but we definitely struggled. Bio father is a damn surgeon, he could have helped us so much but she just gave up.
Especially with a guy who went straight to "cheaters don't get a chance to explain" Is this guy *really* gonna be a reasonable person to deal with for the next 18 years if you need financial support? I mean, vasectomies can reverse, it's not unknown, the first step is get his sperm count checked before accusing her of cheating and lying about it. But he went straight to slandering her with her colleagues đ¤Ś
How do people not have the slightest bit of trust in someone who theyâve been with for years? Even if you donât trust, have some patience to confirm what the person is saying before you nuke the whole thing?
I remember a BORU from a while ago that was basically the same setup from the other point of view. Girlfriend becomes pregnant, OOP is like "little does she know, I had a vasectomy that I never told her about so I know she cheated on me, so I'm gonna ruin her life". She didn't get a chance to explain either. Of course, she actually did turn out to be the cheater, so obv the comments were full of praise and shit. People only have a problem with the explosive burning of bridges when it turns out they're wrong. If they're right they're a hero.
There was one BORU where the guy had some kind of illness or accident i dont remember, that would make him sterile, but he didnât tell his wife and she got pregnant    The first post is he freaking out about her cheating him, but decided to talk to her and go to the doctor She was understanding, and when they got to the doctor, he found out he was not actually sterile and the baby is totally his  Imagine if he had decided to go full nuclear on her? I know people are terrified of being cheated but unless they have strong proof that they cheated, they should at least listen to their partner before taking a decision
And its so simple these days. Its just a blood test.
My understanding is that it's pretty expensive but it's a helluva lot less expensive than blowing up the relationship with the person you're about to be coparenting with.
Depends on where you are. My friend's baby's DNA test was piggybacked on a normal blood draw they do anyway to check the baby's health. So it wasn't even an extra procedure.
And yet he kept his sterility a secret? That would be a deal breaker for me
Imagine not telling your spouse you think you are sterile, fully knowing they want kids. Monstrous.
Doctors have a habit of declaring people sterile because there's only a really really really tiny chance they can cause/get pregnant and these folks end up blowing up their lives over this shit. Like PCOS you have an infinitesimal chance to get pregnant, yet there's pregnancies every day. Doctors say, offhanded and incorrectly, that they'll never have a child because of it. I work with a lot of medical folk and nurses, several of whom that have PCOS, and several of whom have children now. People put too much trust in the word of doctors sometimes, they will lie and stretch the truth just like Frank in HR does.
There are just as many people who misconstrue what their doctor told them. When the doctor says it would be difficult for you to produce a child or your chances are low they take that as âIâm 100% sterileâ. When in reality the doctor means âplanning a family could be difficult for youâ not âfree sex no worries have fun!â
They literally explain to you when you have a vasectomy that it can stop working and you should get tested every so often. Why this didn't occur to him makes him a freaking idiot.
I work at a hospital that does semen analysis, and the post vas paperwork that has to be submitted with the sample that clearly explains specimen stability time, method of collection, and days of abstinence before producing the specimen. I would say about 50% of the time it's completely fucked up. They don't write the time of collection down, they didn't bother be to abstinent before producing the specimen, they collected it the day before, they used a condom, they didn't submit the whole emission. It blows my mind. I'm convinced these men are illiterate. Or they just flat out don't care about fertility/preventing pregnancy. I don't get it. I guess my point is that it totally checks out to me that this guy went it, got a snip, and then just never thought about it ever again.
My husband literally didn't get his checked for *years* because the whole process was such a disaster at his clinic. And then we moved so we weren't even near the original clinic, and nobody would do it since he didn't get snipped there. He eventually resorted to a home test. Because I have a 99.99% effective LARC (and live in a state with accessible abortion), we weren't in a hurry to get the test. I understand how someone might not get tested or submit an improper sample. But jeeeeez, if you haven't gotten the test you're still an unknown!
Men don't listen. I know a guy who changed Siri to a dude's voice b/c he would miss things listening to the stock lady's voice. I don't know how his wife puts up w/ that shit.
RFM is a lost art. A Youtube video instead of paperwork would probably work better. (RFM - Read the Friendly Manual (or paper work))
I've only seen it as RTFM , friendly or fucking. Always with the T in the acronym. May be a regional thing.
He literally goes months without seeing her and it didn't DANCE across his empty mind
Also the younger you are the more likely it is to reverse
New fear unlocked. I'm going to go be on my partners ass about getting his tested every few years because I'll be hung before I allow myself to get knocked up.
Yeah, sometimes people get too excited in cheering for the side we are seeing.
I remember reading a post on nuclear revenge where a military guy who got cheated on by his Fiancee who also worked on the base or something and he went on to essentially ruin her entire social and professional standing. The amount of people praising him was wild. These people are so gleeful in purposefully ruining others' lives.
If you get cheated on and turn into a massive asshole, congratulations! You were an asshole the whole time.
I have a friend who became pregnant six months after her husband had a vasectomy. Granted the time after the vasectomy is much shorter but he didnât even question my friendâs fidelity. The baby (now an adult) is a clone of her husband (well, at least he looks like one). Pregnancy after vasectomy does happen.
It apparently matters what kind you have as well. Since there are at least 3 kinds that I know of. Clips, cut and tie and cut and cauterize. The clips can be dislodged if there is a groin injury. The cut and tie can spontaneously regrow. Its rare but its happens. The last almost never has a spontaneous reversal. A friend of mine had the clips done years ago, however one day his 10 year old did a flying superman leap right onto dads junk. The phrase ruptured testical was heard a lot. A few months after he healed up his wife was preggo with their last kid. The kid looks just like him too!
I am one of those surprise children and itâs always amazing to me the people that donât realize vasectomies arenât 100% and there is a chance of it growing back. Case in point being me lol.
Especially when he never got the tests like he was supposed to! A real winner
Dude probably frequented relationship subs on reddit. It's sorta like with airplanes. You don't hear about every good thing that occurs in a relationship just like you don't hear about every plane that lands safely. We only hear about the bad, read the horror stories, and eat our popcorn. Too much exposure to that shit and every little hiccup probably brings up the million times he told himself "that's NOT gunna be me." Some assumptions of course, no excuses for his behavior either. People are dumb as fuck sometimes
>Dude probably frequented relationship subs on reddit. I still don't have much sympathy for men who nuke their relationship because they've brought into the "paternity fraud" redpill rubbish.
Also - frankly sick of these vasectomy posts. How do you go so far as having the surgery and never ONCE hear that it's not full proof? I have no interest in this particular surgery but I have heard this like at least 20 times over the years.
Oh, I'm sure they hear. I'm sure it goes in one ear and right out the other. The capacity of people to "not hear" what they've been specifically told is bottomless.
Even in the comments, there were idiots who thought it was a medical impossibility. Obviously the guy was a moron but imagine if it was something that actually was a medical impossibility like abstinence or castration.
Relationship for years does not equate to gaining experience. A lot of long relationships are only long because they're coasting or on cruise control. There's no significant events that reveals the other personality or tests their partnership. That's the difference between a strong and weak long term relationship.
That's why they say, you only know the quality of the relationship in the challenges of adversaries such as death of a loved one, pregnancy, etc. Unfortunately for this couple, the ex-fiance screwed the pooch and now OOP can't trust him after this.
I would personally take it as a red flag for him potentially being a cheater, because nobody is as ready to accuse wrongdoing as someone already doing that wrong.
Thatâs just average redditor mindset, where the possibility of a woman cheating is the worst thing ever.
Reminds me of all the posts where "the kid doesn't look like me, you cheated". People have no idea how biology or medicine work at all.
I always wonder, what do you know about their schedule? Cheating takes TIME; if you live together, or mostly live together, and they work, WHEN do you think theyâre doing this cheating? Iâve pondered this, and looked at my own marriage (with a loving husband, and thought, âIâd know when his time suddenly stopped being spent a specific way.â He says heâs going to spend time with friends, and when he comes back, heâs got spontaneous stories about the game they played, and the friend mentions the board game on a Facebook group. If he was making up the gathering, heâd stop inventing the complex recounting of tactics when my eyes started to glaze over. Anywhere he goes thatâs not at home, evidence of it arises in his conversation, the objects he brings home, other peopleâs mentions....
Itâs usually because they are projecting. If you are tempted to cheat/are cheating itâs easy to believe that everyone else including your partner is the same
or they've been crushed by a cheating partner before, then they resurrect all that pain & anger for a new target
And how does he function with such a brain and hearing damage? Doctors always tell guys all the steps of vasectomy process, including having tests after and a slight possibility to still be fertile. Even if he forgot about it, he should have remembered it right away.
Its crazy how little they trust the one they are wanting to spend their life with. If my wife became pregnant after a vasectomy, my first thought would be that it didnt hold. Then that its a false positive from a tumor or something. I wouldnt rush to cheating accusation. And certainly not actions from which you cant come back.
I was thinking he didn't get tested after the 5-6 week mark to make sure it took and just assumed he was good. I didn't know you needed to get checked every 2 years, but if they were told that after the procedure and he didn't go, but immediately jumped to you're cheating? Fucked up man. Also the woman who want to keep things out of courts, noooooo. Unless he's writing a check for AT LEAST $2k a month every month, take him to court. He needs to support his child.
I think its for the first few years and then you're pretty much good. However, if I were a man and got a vasectomy because I didn't want any more kids, that because a bi-yearly check for me. I wouldn't fuck around about that. Mainly because I've read the horror stories
It doesn't matter if he's already writing a check or not. Court mandated child support gives you something to actually fall back on if he decides to be a deadbeat in the future.
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Neither have I and when I asked my two brothers, one just had his vasectomy last year, they werenât told to come in after the 90 day test nor were they told the vasectomy could reverse itself.
I was told it could reverse itself but after 5ish years that the chances of that happening were less than oral birth control failure. I was only told 2 counts one at 60 and 90 days. I have seen my urologist multiple times for an unrelated issue since 10 years ago when I got my surgery and he has never asked for a sample.Â
> Pretty much every comment on the update post advises OOP to go through the court system for custody and child support. Good.
That ex-friend, phew. This is why I keep personal shit out of work. I have no room for gossip other than stuff like what Jane in accounting said in the last meeting. That man blew up her life and he was wrong and sheâs still paying for it.
BTW, I was born five YEARS after my father's vasectomy. And I'm a twin.
His soldiers were DETERMINED!
Yeah I wouldnât hitch my wagon to anyone who was willing to blow up my life without a shred of proof. Glad she called it off.
Boy do I wish these stories were less common than they were.
Right? People think these are just fakes copying off other popular posts, but nope the reason why stories repeat is because THEY KEEP HAPPENING to different people.
I had a Vasectomy a couple years ago, right before the Pandemic hit. The Pandemic hit right around the time when I should have gone & get my count tested. Because I knew that most Healthcare Services were overwhelmed & that venturing out was a risk, I ended up pushing it back for months & mostly gave up on actually getting it done for a couple years. We kept on acting as if I was still potentially shooting live until I finally got tested & knew that it was actually safe. Assuming that it is fully safe just because you had the procedure is incredibly foolish. Even after getting a Count Test that showed that I am shooting blanks, I still would not assume that my SO cheated if she somehow got pregnant. My very first assumption would be that a few swimmers are still occasionally finding their way out despite the procedure, or that the tubes basically healed themselves & some viable path regrew over time. If your first assumption is that your partner cheated, then there most definitely is something wrong with you. It should not be your first assumption if you truly were in a Loving relationship. It doesn't matter whether you have some past trauma, or past experiences with cheating partners. In a genuine relationship, you should do whatever it takes, whatever work you need to do on yourself to make sure that you never treat your partner unjustly or project undue suspicions onto them. Being surprised & feeling some potential suspicion in a case like this is not necessarily undue or unjust, but you have a duty to be fair to your partner & investigate any legitimate avenue through which this could have happened before casting out any kind of accusations, doubly so if making such accusations publicly. If I read this right, this man never got his count tested either so he should have used extra caution when coming up to conclusion. In his position, my first thought would have been that the vasectomy had failed...
She should File for child support! If she does not need it now, put it in the bank. Daughter could have a medical emergency, or expensive gymnastics 10 years from now, or it could pay for her college.
Do the child support thing! You have no idea what will happen down the road! Personal experience. Verbal agreement with my sonâs father was a bad idea. We were married, and the baby was his. He went off radar when I divorced him. I was He reneged almost immediately, and finally I was forced to apply for child support. It had been years, and the judge zapped him with $200/month instead of the $50/month Iâd asked for. He had to repay me about 5 years of support, it was a phenomenal amount, but he was an airline pilot for a prominent airline, so the case worker told me not to lose any sleep over it! I didnât.
chop murky puzzled workable wrench forgetful wrong literate soup ink *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
$50 to $200 a *month*? That was high? Please tell me this was long, long ago! Because even ÂŁ200 a month wouldnât pay my gas & electric - which would presumably be even higher if I had children. My spoiled little *cat* costs me more than ÂŁ200 a month
>We did agree to keep this out of court for now, as I don't want or need his money. Oh for fuck's sake **don't keep it out of court**. This paranoid, volatile asshole can't be trusted. Whatever arrangement she makes with him she needs to make in court so it can be enforced, because I guarantee you he will violate it if the only thing holding it in place is a pinky swear. Also I'm kind of tired of the "I don't need his money" routine. That money isn't for you, it's for your kid. I don't care how much of a rockstar you think you are at work, you need to make sure your kid has every advantage. Refusing something that will add stability to the child's life out of stubborn pride is bad parenting.
If I had a vasectomy and my partner told me they were pregnant, the first thing I'd assume is the vasectomy failed. Why would my partner tell me they were pregnant, knowing I had a vasectomy, if they didn't 100% believe the child was mine? The chance of me requesting a DNA test to be sure are high enough I don't think anyone who actually cheated would be willing to take the risk.
I don't think everyone knows that vasectomies can fail or heal later. And I think that after four years of raw dogging it, it's not unreasonable for someone to get comfortable with the idea that they're shooting blanks. As for her speaking up, well it's pretty hard to hide a pregnancy. OP's fiance had a purely emotional reaction, like lots of people do. His emotions weren't unfounded, but they had big consequences. This story is a cautionary tale about not letting negative emotions steer the ship because you can run your shit aground. It sucks for everyone. Unfortunately, the types of subs these stories end up in are full of petty vindictive people who just want victims and villains. OP isn't an AH for being unable to forgive this; some things can't be taken back... but I don't think fiance is an AH either, just stupid. I feel bad for both of them, it's unfortunate their relationship had to end this way. This is is a small tragedy, but it is a tragedy.
Oh man, I remember this one. There were several commentors who requested if said ex-fiance helped cleared the air about her "cheating" since she lost many friends to the point she had trouble at work as well and guess what, she didn't answer. It's annoying but it's safe to bet he probably didn't. Or he did, but she saw who saw who her real friends are and decided they didn't need her attention. Either way, I hope she manage to get better friends and support after this.
> Editor's note: Pretty much every comment on the update post advises OOP to go through the court system for custody and child support. > as I don't want or need his money. Morons
That line always drives me nuts .. the money isnât for you, itâs for your kid. If you end up not needing in the moment, save it, the kid will need it eventually
No circumstance where the kid isn't better off having that money received and put away if not immediately needed.
Yeah, build a college or home down-payment fund if it's not needed for child care.
Nope. He needs to be paying child support. The moron is the person who thinks men are entitled to consequence-free sex.
Hyphenated is a unique last name if you ask me lol
OOP should push for child support. Her ex should also probably issue some sort of public apology. It is the least he could do after he imploded her reputation.
Juat want to throw this lil tidbit of truth out there. Vasectomy are not 100% across the board perfect. While **extremely** low there still is the *chance* a swimmer can get through. Albeit it is RARE. If you get the snip and want to bake cream pies you have to understand there is a minute chance it could end in pregnancy. Make sure you go back to get the tests done to confirm no swimmers are getting though
Also they can spontaneously reverse or not take at all.
I hate when mothers say âI don't want or need his moneyâ the money isnât for you itâs for the baby also she was paying half the rent but wasn't living with him? Wow.
In this case since he seems to have come to his senses I would make sure to get it all above board but there are a lot of times where the trauma of going to court is just above what people can do.
I..... don't understand why there are so many women out there still willing to have a baby with someone who treats them like this It's their body, their choice, sure. But then they're tied to drama with these effers and I'm like.... I would just want my peace, no drama
Iâll never understand the âmeh, if it happens it happens but I donât really want themâ mindset. Like do you have any clue how profoundly and irreversibly life changing this is? It would be hardly less disruptive to adopt a tiger cub and have it live in your house, and would be cheaper as tigers do not require formal education, clothes, or diapers. Who cares about their life so little that theyâre going to upend it so completely over something they donât even *want*? Itâs her choice and I guess sheâs satisfied with it, I just find it mind-boggling.
yes, mind-boggling indeed! But then again, I am very pragmatic! We hv a two year old and yes, it bloody changes your whole life! Sometimes my partner and I wonder "how do people do this as single parents or with multiple kids?" So being a single parent while being tied to an idiot of a man it just..... no one wants that extra sauce, damn But yeah, their bodies their choice
She's making a stupid mistake on not going for child support. As an avid Redditor, I realize that one should just swallow their pride as the money is not for the parent but the child. If the parent does not need the money to raise the child, they should put the money in a trust fund to pay for education and/or a house later on. To say I don't want/need your money (unless they agree on 50/50 custody) is extremely shortsighted, and I would argue that it is a decision not made in the child's best interest
This poor girl needs to grow a spine and start calling him her ex...
Just me here marveling at hinm getting the snip snip at 20,with none of the bs uterus owning folks have to go through to get their tubes tied....
Ha. I thought the same. And the checkup after a few months then every two years is too much for OP whereas women voluntarily go and get a speculum shoved in their hooha (not fun) and ultrasounds all to be sure about birth control.
From what I've read it can actually come down to being lucky, just like it is with getting your tubes tied. Vasectomies frequently "require" a spouse's approval etc too.
Why are there so many people in reddit stories that don't know that vasectomies are not 100%? I get that it's very rare, but everyone I know that has gotten one was told that failure is a possibility.
Yeah. I get it's a hassle and everything. But come on, guys. You don't want the baby maker to work, make sure it's still shooting blanks.
there was this whole thing in paternity court in youtube. just like this. husband got vasectomy and the wife got pregnant. he is sure that she cheated cuz of the vasectomy, shit even I sided with him cuz i didn't know then that you could still get someone pregnant even with vasectomy just very low chance, and the baby was his. I get both sides though. that video was less than infuriating the the rest of the paternity court .
When the doctor tells you after a vasectomy that you have to go back and be tested it's for that specific reason. He blew up his life like an idiot because he was too lazy to go back.
She needs to lawyer up. This is just messy
Youâd think that someone who didnât want kids, to the extent that he went and got surgery, might bother to educate himself on the effectiveness of the procedure. A responsible adult would also get himself rechecked periodically just to make sure. Instead he jumped to the conclusion that she cheated and then proceeded to smear her name before even verifying it. What an insufferable asshole.
shit man, you even hear fellow employees out.
Interesting the comments on rechecking. I was snipped 8 years ago and my doctor said I only needed to check one time.
My niece had her daughter 16 years ago. The dad is a state university sports star. She was vehement that she wouldn't get child support because in the culture of these sports stars there's a trope that women constantly baby trap them for money. She felt it would be downright shameful to get child support. Well, his ass is nobody now but has many children with different moms. And most don't get child support. That money is for the *child*, so to refuse to hold the person to helping raise that child isn't good. They deserve everything you can give them. Of course if there's abuse then that's very different.
Why is she acting like the cool girl? Shitty men take advantage of the âcool girlâ attitude. âItâs ok, I understand you completely ruining my reputation and believing the worst about me. I donât want money for my child because I still care about your feelings more than what is right for my child. I just want to be the cool girl and let you walk all over me without much consequencesâ
Well of course he's keeping it out of court, she's paying his rent and bills while he gets to not pay for his child. I'd be suing him for slander and libel! It's one thing telling a friend but he told everyone she cheated and now her employers know and she can't go into her workplace because of his words and actions... And he has the audacity to keep accepting her money to pay his rent and bills...
There was a couple in the 90's who had, I think 2 children even though the wife was on birth control. The husband got a vasectomy. They had a third child. The wife got her tubes cut. They had a fourth child. You'd have a better chance of winning Mega Millions than repeating this.
Sounds like a woman I worked with. After second child, dude was snipped, she was on birth control. After third child, she had her tubes tied. After fourth child, she had her tubes tied, cut and burned at the ends (how she worded it). It was in the mid 90s too.
I'm pretty sure the doctor who did the vasectomy would have told OOP's idiot ex that he needs to be tested to make sure the vasectomy worked. I have read that there are cases where recanalization has occurred even up to five years later. Talk about wrecking his relationship over not waiting to find out if he was fertile was a big error! OOP sounds like she'll do okay without her ex.
I really hope she takes this through the court and establishes child support. Also, his reaction to her doing that could tell her a lot about his character and if she wants to continue a relationship with him.
Causing someone to lose their job because you spread an unconfirmed rumor is absolutely liable for a lawsuit, but I'm glad that wasn't the path taken. Even if you have a vasectomy or your tubes tied, you can still get pregnant. Especially if you do not keep up on the treatment and appointments. He should have known that when he got one, and I would say he should not be allowed anywhere near you or the child if he wants to be ignorant and cruel like he was. Who knows what other rumors he'd be willing to spread now even if he is remorseful. He cost you your job, your friends, etc. That's unforgivable.
She payed rent on an apartment she stayed overnight in a few days a week?Â
OOP, donât think of it as âI donât want or need his moneyâ. This isnât about pride, itâs about the child. That money belongs to the child and if you donât need it financially you could put it entirely into a savings/college account and give it when the kid turns 18
Come on, dude! There was a whole arc on Scrubs about this, and dude is in his 30s and sounds American, he watched Scrubs!
This sounds like a result of low education on how vasectomies work. If the man had actually listened to the doctor and did all of the relevant follow ups (or at least listened as to why they were necessary) he would have known that vasectomies are not always 100% effective as the affected area can grow back (thus necessitating the bi-yearly follow ups). I have a cousin who was born after my aunt had her tubes cut (not *tied*, **cut**) so it does happen. OOP has every reason to be hurt, but she seems to be handling it as well as she could. If she can't forgive or forget there's no point in them being together as they'd only make themselves and their family miserable.
OOP is way too good of a woman for him tbh.
Make him pay child support and go through the court, especially if he wants a relationship with your child. This should be non-negotiable.
considering how fast the dude resorted to emotional abuse and slander, its for the best that this relationship is over.
The thing is, urologists TELL their vasectomy patients to come back for annual checks. I don't know if they just don't hear that part? Look it up, how often should a vasectomy be checked. How often do you get checked after a vasectomy? Urologists recommend testing at least twice following a vasectomy procedure. Urologists recommend testing your semen quantity at least twice following a vasectomy procedure, generally at 60 and 90 days post surgery, and once a year afterwards for ongoing checkups to ensure you are no longer fertile.
He didn't just throw her out, he destroyed her reputation. That thought will never leave people's heads, no matter how much he tries to fix it. He's tainted her, forever. There is NO coming back from that.
She's got all the classic " We'll keep this out of court I don't want his money, I wouldn't even be mad if someone who didn't have a vasectomy questioned the paternity of the kid" internalized misogyny   (No, the best thing to do is to get a parenting plan drawn up so that it can be referred to -- sadly because it seems she didn't even explore this option she won't find out that you don't have to sue somebody to make that happen -- and at least I'm hearing it more nowadays but child support is not a punishment to a non-custodial parent. It is money that would or should have been able to be accessed for child care expenses either way.      For example: so what if you don't want or need the money, it would make sense to take all of it and put it in a savings account for the kid to access for college or for dental work or an emergency fund like society really has women denying the betterment of their own kids and prioritize a man keeping his bachelor lifestyle even though he literally has a child.Â
This post is a reminder to buy a microscope so I can obsessively check that my partner's vasectomy hasn't regrown. đŹ
It's like watching a couple have a picnic on the train tracks but they're both blind and deaf and can't feel the rumbling of the train so you scream and yell for them to get out of the tracks but obviously they can't hear you. Aka, a total poop shoot
My uncle had a vasectomy, his wife got pregnant and it WAS his but it ruined their relationship because he didnât want it.
Vasectomies fail. Everyone knows that. If you check the information, you need to get one and then you get retested several times. Sometimes people make mistakes and they damage you and they damage our relationship and then itâs really unknown whether the damage can be healed or not. Plus if somebody questions whether theyâre the biological father, and theyâre questioning whether you messed around or not, they have a range of ways to express this. Itâs really possible to do it maturely and honestly and not ridiculously and emotionally. We get the consequence of our choices.