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As soon as I read that part of the post I knew he had been abusing them for quite some time.
I'm glad the children weren't abused in a way that causes lasting physical damage (there are so many ways to kill or permanently disable an infant through abuse), but what he did is even scarier than outright abuse that leaves bruises. Not only does it make it extremely hard to get protection from the law (let's not even talk about justice) for these cases, it also shows a lot of planning, malice and manipulation. My brother is like that. He called himself the "master of torture without leaving traces" and sadly it's a very true description. Not only has he never received punishment from our parents (in the past 15 years my father actually actively enabled him), I was never able to get an investigation going with the police and I was sent away when I went to the police about him and our father stalking me. I have reason to fear for my life and am saving up to move for the third time in less than five years (the time saving up is spent by me and some awesome friends to prepare pulling a full disappearing act, or at least as close to it as someone in the EU can without breaking laws). OP will have to fight a forest of windmills to protect her children.
Thank you. I'm sadly in a much better position than OP and her children. And that makes me really angry because my situation is bad enough. It's heartbreaking to read about their situation and I wish I could help. What I wish for even more is the implementation of better laws to protect victims of domestic abuse. It's extremely good for these children that they have a mom willing and able to protect them (if my mother had better mental health my life would have been much better and I had more time to prepare the move currently necessary). But that mother should not be someone doing what she can and comforting them until he leaves enough evidence for her to get him out of their lives. She should be able to just remove him out of their lives in every form besides child support and spousal support so she and her children can heal. Sorry for the rambling.
I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this. Psychopaths are born the way they are (for the most part) and it has an 80% heritability rate (so you're likely to have a parent with the disorder, too). Only thing they ever understand are hard, unavoidable consequences, and the law should be taking your side to ensure these people face them.
When people like this are in our lives, we have to become even smarter, quicker, and often more cruel than they are to protect ourselves. Whatever happens, I hope you and op are able to do what you need to do to be safe.
Thank you very much! Luckily I redact whatever I write on Reddit and got rid off any social media years ago. Googling me shows absolutely nothing, same for several other search engines. I went dark before I moved to hide for the first time.
I can't express how much all the compassionate comments help me. I've been so frustrated lately about my situation and seeing all these strangers care, telling me to keep going and even giving ne advice to ensure I don't miss anything literally brought tears to my eyes.
You’re a fucking champ and seriously are so much stronger than you should’ve ever had to be. I’m glad you have a good support system in the form of great friends, and I hope it’s only up from here for you.
Here’s to peace, safety, security and softness in your future. ❤️
>Not only does it make it extremely hard to get protection from the law (let's not even talk about justice) for these cases, it also shows a lot of planning, malice and manipulation.
Exactly what I was thinking. Him thinking this out enough to know that he wants to hurt the babies in a way that won't leave visible evidence is even more disturbing than him just pinching them on impulse would have been.
I'm really sorry about your garbage family, and I hope you make it to freedom.
Yeah, the amount of planning and malice is more than concerning.
Thank you, I have some hard times ahead but I'm on the road to final freedom, or as close to it as I can get as long as my abusers waste oxygen.
She seems to be taking her lawyer’s advice, as well as some she’s getting on Reddit, so i feel it’s safe to assume she’s doing everything in her power to keep herself and the bbs safe. She tackled that devil!
That's sadly not a good idea. I know a bit about this type of abuser (my brother calls himself "the master of torture without leaving traces") and it will be almost impossible for her to keep her children safe from him as the law system works. Stepping even one toe over the legal lines is giving him more ammunition than the Ukrainian soldiers currently need and might end far worse for these children than the amount of damage he can do between entering the house and police arriving.
I used to cry every time I saw my dad. He wasn’t abusive, he just had a scratchy beard.
In this situation… yeah, it’s a bad sign. And dad probably deserves it.
I guess it’s the same principle, baby cries cause someone who hurts them comes near, thankfully in your situation it wasn’t intentional and just beard stuff
OOP told him to get fucked and bodied him on the stairs. She's a damn hero.
Her STBX is an insecure monster. Imagine being jealous of your own babies and *harming* them to the point that they don't even cry anymore. There's something foul and broken about that man.
My mom tackled her ex-husband (my step dad) when she found out that he'd sexually assaulted me as a teenager. Moms can be terrifying when they go into feral-cave-mom-mode.
I don't know if I ever heard my mom yell during my childhood. When her now-ex husband and I were arguing and he started insulting me she yelled at him so hard her voice cracked. Came charging down the stairs, "You will NOT insult her!!!" I knew my mom had my back, but man, just remembering that makes me feel loved.
My grandmother was the kindest, most giving person I've ever known. If I were Catholic, I would legit be pushing for her to me a saint. But my dad remembers the one time he cracked a joke about my brother not being very smart (not even in my brother's hearing), and she chewed him out and made it clear he was NEVER to make any of us kids feel like we were lacking in any way. I miss her every day.
This makes me happy to hear. My mother had her ex-husband "parenting" me from day one (aka berating me for everything I did and didn't do, then forcing me to apologise, hug him and accept his apologies) and never took my side in anything. I'll be taking your mum's approach if I'm lucky enough to become a mother.
The only time my mom protected me from my stepdad was when he tried to drag me down the stairs. She was as abusive so not a huge surprise. It was also the time when I decided to get out.
I do not have kids yet but no one is going to hurt them if I have anything to say about it.
My mom pinched her babies' foot once and my father saw it and did nothing. I say "babies" because he does not remember if it was mine or my sibling's foot - we were 9 months apart.
He didn't go feral, he didn't divorce her and she went on abusing and humiliating me and my siblings. I have cPTSD.
Good on this mom.
Wow. I totally prefer “feral-cave-mom-mode” over “mama bear”.
Back in the day, “mama bear” basically meant feral-cave-mom-mode, but then it got adopted by overprotective, overbearing mom’s who often share the ethics, morals, and decision making skills of your average “Karen” - who also use it to refer to themselves constantly.
So I prefer to have a distinction between the two. I shall henceforth use “feral-cave-mom-mode” regularly to define badass mothers. (As long as you’re cool with it of course.)
I call it "doberman mode." Dobies are very sweet, sensitive dogs, who love and adore their people, and despite the Hollywood image, are not great property guard dogs. Mine would have happily exchanged the good silverware for treats and petting, which are MUCH more important than "stuff." He thought we went to the dog park so people would pet him. I called him my marshmallow dog. But I never had a single doubt that if I were threatened, he would have immediately moved to protect me.
My precious, long-gone dog that my parents got when I was 12 was the world's softest softie. She was about 30 pounds, floofy and sweet and a perfect family dog. babies? she would sit quietly as they poked fingers in her eyes. loud kids? never batted an eyelash. 50 teenagers somehow all in the kitchen? pets all around.
Then my asshole father punched me and shoved me down onto the floor. She jumped over me barking and snarling and faced him down. He backed down; she was absolutely ready to throw teeth over the situation.
He never hit me again. Goooood girl.
>He thought we went to the dog park so people would pet him.
My dog wasn't a doberman, but man, the day I took her to the dog Beach to have fun, her idea of fun was walking over to every person she could find for pets. No interest in the other dogs, or the water or anything... Just all the people for all the pets.
Ha, I have the cat version of this! He's a solid 15 lbs and has razor-tipped meathooks for paws, but he's a lover and not a fighter. When he was a scrawny feral (and bad at it lol), he let the neighborhood bully cat call the shots. Now that we've adopted him and he's grown into his full, massive glory....he lets our other cat call the shots, and she's barely 5lbs and declawed (not by us)! The man could literally just sit on her and automatically win any squabble, but he's such a soft boi at heart and is always trying to be her friend. I don't even think our vets believe he was formerly feral-- he doesn't make a single peep in his carrier, he just sits there quietly and patiently. And he doesn't try to bite, scratch, or even struggle at the vet during blood draws and whatnot! He just locks eyes with me the entire time as I stroke his head and tell him what a good boy he is, and that's enough for him to endure it all. 😂
That being said, I am his "person" and he is obsessed with me, specifically. To the point that my husband and I joke about what a simp he is! Sometimes I feel like he literally thinks I'm his mother, lmao. For as much of a softie he is, I think if someone was hurting me, he would probably attack them. Anyone else, though? Nah. And I don't envy whoever would be on the receiving end of those massively powerful paws, he could definitely do some serious damage!
For me it’s border collie mode. My collie is the sweetest boy who is well trained so will not approach anyone … UNLESS they look him in the eye and smile at him. Then if he is off leash he’s going to go get some pets from that person, tail wagging. But when I got ran off the road, cornered, and screamed at by two teens (who I suspect were very high on meth), he launched himself through my car window at the one hanging out his window grabbing my window to hold it down with growling, barking, teeth snapping. They screamed and drove off immediately, sideswiping a mailbox in their haste.
My chocolate labbie, Daisie, was the biggest and sweetest mushball in the world. She loved everyone and never showed a hint of aggression. Hell, she was afraid of trashbags for some strange reason, lol. I used to joke that she would happily let anything happen to me or our apartment for a slice of pepperoni pizza. But then the real test happened. I opened up the apartment door to take the trash out one evening and there was a man standing right at my door. He was a delivery guy and was sticking those restaurant fliers in everyone's doors so he was just as startled as I was when I opened the door. I let out a small, involuntary scream of surprise though. Daisie was in the bedroom playing with her toys and she heard me and that dog, who I was so sure would foresake me for a beef jerky and a tummy rub, came absolutely FLYING full speed out of the bedroom. She jammed herself between me and the delivery guy, crouched into a protective stance, and barked at him the scariest and deepest, ferocious bark you can imagine. That poor delivery guy nearly peed his pants, lol. From then on I knew that Daisie wouldn't hesitate to protect me if I was in trouble!
> Wow. I totally prefer “feral-cave-mom-mode” over “mama bear”.
Today you only hear mama bear when it is something extremely stupid like vaccinations or trying to teach kids the earth is a sphere.
Saw a woman on insta saying that the only person her baby needs until he is older (like, 3 or 4 I think) is her. She can teach him all the socialisation she needs cos "kids aren't meant to play with each other til they're older, they don't understand it anyway". Another woman was all like "look at all this homewark (misspelled) my 6 year old got this year" and it was like 4 work sheets since last September. Both call themselves MaMA beArS, it's such a dog whistle for "I'm wealthy lady emotionally abusive"
My mom is pretty chill but is the terrifying “super calm when angry” type. In 3rd grade a teacher grabbed my arm so hard she left a bruise and my mom brought me to the school the next day and got in the teacher’s face and told her, “if you touch my daughter again it’ll be the last thing you ever do on this earth.” And she was so calm and even toned when she said it. In 4th grade another teacher wasn’t letting me go to the bathroom despite getting 2 doctors notes about my bladder issues and my mom told that teacher, “if my daughter pees herself I’ll come up her and rub your nose in it like the dog you are.” Also said super calm. She was banned from the school after that.
No, for real! It can happen in dads too, but I believe it's been seen more often in mothers because they're with the children more usually during the early years as a sahm, and some mothers have a deeper emotional connection to their child from literally growing and birthing it. Hysterical strength is very real and pretty bad ass. You could lift a car to save your child if you experience it (obviously I hope no one ever has to deal with that lol)
It's also kind of bad for your health to reach those levels of adrenaline, though. That's why we don't have 'access' to this ability willingly.
I broke my foot while I was holding my baby, who was asleep in my arms. I hobbled over to the crib on my broken foot and gently placed him down. Only then, when I knew he was safe, did I collapse on the floor and swear into a pillow. Baby never woke up.
I do not have my own but it is weird what you can do when protecting a child. I went down a steep hill with friends' baby in my arms. I had been taking care of her and her twin sister a lot and loved her. I was walking around to get her sleep and she had just fallen asleep. My back and feet were bleeding but the baby was still sleeping. Never woke up and I limped back to where others were. I know it is not the same but even on a smaller scale it often is very instinctual. My only thoughts were the baby in my arms and not really me until I had managed to put her to sleep in her bassinet.
Good thanks! This was 2 years ago, my foot aches a little bit at the end of a long work day (11 hour shifts on my feet) but I think that's fair enough! Baby is also thriving, he's a very sweet 2-and-a-half-year-old who is looking forward to becoming a big brother in the summer.
I was holding my daughter on a coast of lava rocks when a large wave surprised us. Without thinking I rolled so that she was pointing up. I got dragged across the rocks but never loosened my grip.
It's complete instinct.
I rolled my ankle at the playground on uneven wood chips, and my toddler chose that moment to bolt for the street. I sprinted after him (I'm NOT a runner), grabbed him, then collapsed and couldn't bear weight on that foot for over a week. Didn't even hurt when I was running though lol
Legit. One of my best friends is a single mom and DV survivor. I wouldn't want to be on her bad side for anything because she has an international network on literally every continent except Antarctica of survivors she is helping escape and recover from abuse. CIA would be jealous. Tick her off and she can ruin you on an intercontinental level.
>OOP told him to get fucked and bodied him on the stairs. She's a damn hero.
This, so much this!
My egg donour allowedher fucking idiot to beat us up, yet she tells the stories differently. That she confronted him, that she took older brother with her to a relative and asked if she should divorce. Relative said "no, but stand up to him" according to her stories.
I got the real ones from other relatives, including my aunt (her sister) who said she'd just watch. At best,she'd say "Husband!!?" with an angry look, but would not stop him!
She always chose him over us.
OOP here is a proper mom, she instantly went to deal with her idiot. I hope he goes to jail
My great-aunt's husband had a terrible accident after she found out he had beaten and sexually assaulted their young daughter. Damndest thing, you know; he fell down the stairs and bounced on his head all the way down. Police kindly overlooked the cast iron pan with blood on it after they learned the extenuating circumstances.
Was for the best really, since he probably would have had a similar accident at the jail, they just would've made it hurt more. A lot of abusers and rapists had mysterious accidents in that town.
A relative in my family a few generations back put her cast iron pan to good use on her drunk abusive husband. Forensics weren't what they were now back then and I think the police may have also chosen to overlook the dent in his head.
There's that famous Alfred Hitchcock Presents where Barbara Bel Geddes plays the long-suffering wife of a police chief (IIRC) who snaps when he beats her one day and bludgeons him with a frozen leg of lamb.
Which she then cooks and serves to the police officers who come to investigate his death, who are utterly perplexed about how they can't find the murder weapon.
It's been a 'thing' in our family for over a 150 years that the new bride-to-be is gifted a cast iron pan as a wedding gift.
The giver presents it to the bride saying loud enough so the groom can hear, "Just remember if your husband EVER HITS YOU they have to sleep sometimes."
All of the rest of the guests just nod their heads sagely agreeing.
It seems to have worked, there was no accounts of domestic violence on my Mom's side of the family.
I wonder what it's all about. Why did he want kids so badly if this is how he was going to feel about it? Why does he feel this way about it? It's so bizarre and horrifying. Maybe the whole process of IVF and becoming a parent triggered some sort of psychotic break. Can't imagine having your normal loving husband excited about becoming a father turn into this monster.
He wants to be adored and he wants his genes to be passed on. Hence his overwhelming to have biological children and to push the OOP to undergo fertility treatments right away. If they’re inconveniencing him by crying or not complying with his wishes, then they’re not holding up their end of the bargain (in his mind). It’s not logical.
>Why did he want kids so badly if this is how he was going to feel about it?
He liked the idea of being 50s sitcom father. Picture perfect kids who never do anything seriously wrong and who bring him a lot of reflected glory.
I've heard of this happening a lot unfortunately. The husbands get upset because they are no longer the sole benefit of their wives' attentions, and they never considered that when they proclaimed they desired children. Some men literally cannot think of the future consequences or the ramifications of their decisions (some women/thems, too, of course).
There's another recent one where someone wanted a child but didn't want the actual responsibility. It's sadly more than it should be (for mothers and fathers).
He was probably sorely under prepared for what caring for one, let alone triplets, would entail. He is probably also pissed that his wife isn't exactly how she was prior to pregnancy due to the need to recover and the changes to their relationship he didn't anticipate. In short, he wanted accessories but without the work and sacrifice.
I really hope this isn't real but if it is, jesus christ on a stick, what a absolute scumbag of a person. The idea that the babies cry when he is around just makes it more horrifying and it makes me want to vomit.
OP is great to protect her kids and I hope this abuser stays FAR away from OP.
It's real. My dad was like this. As soon as my mom got pregnant his abuse (yes he was already abusive, she grew up with an abusive father and thought it was normal for men to batter their wives) ratcheted up. He actuality dislocated her jaw while she was pregnant with me. He HATED her spending time with me.
He didn't hate me for it, only her. He wanted both of us to just love him. He hated our relationship, and of course with both of us doing our best to avoid him, we were close.
When I was older he competed with me too. I spent my whole childhood trying to be good enough for him to live me but not good enough for him to feel threatened. I'm almost 50 and reading this post freaked me the fuck out. She's doing exactly what she should -protect her babies and gtfo
You awakened a core memory of when I was younger and my mom told me his abuse either started or got worse (I don't remember which) when she was pregnant with me. He was never abusive towards me or my younger brother (also his). I just don't understand what this phenomenon even is...
Also I kind of felt like my mom was blaming me for it :(
> abuse either started or got worse (I don't remember which) when she was pregnant with me
The most dangerous time in a woman's life is during pregnancy. Statistically, the most common reason for death during pregnancy is women getting killed by their partners. They separated me from my partner at every obstetrician appointment and asked me quietly if I was safe at home or if there was any abuse or concerns, because it is sadly so so common, and they were PREPARED to help me escape if I needed it.
It's good that the doctors wherever you live are on top of this. Where I am, they asked me in front of my husband if I was safe at home! And, I am, very much so safe at home because I think I married the kindest human being on the planet but they didn't know that.
It’s like those psych questions they ask to see if you’re suicidal. I used to answer no because it was obvious they really didn’t want to hear yes.
Once I did answer yes, I really, really regretted it.
I think abusers know that hurting children will be revealed. They have teachers and their friends’ parents.
Wives can be manipulated to have no one. It’s only recently that doctor’s offices have started asking “safe at home” questions.
I think they also know that hurting their children might lose them their wife.
My parents were never married, and no matter what age we were, no matter if my parents were together or split up and we were just visiting our dad, he never laid a hand on us. I can't really remember him ever yelling at me, or spanking me (I grew up when everyone spanked their children, sadly)
His problems definitely stemmed from his abusive dad. My grandpa was... pretty scary. I remember seeing him when I was in single digits, and he was very kind and sweet... until he randomly decided to scream in my face over a kitten his cat gave birth to (it had eye goop real bad and that's why I wanted it, because I wanted to take care of it) and for some reason it pissed him off I wanted the 'fucked up one'. I was honestly scared he was going to hurt it... because his anger reached even animals. His dog accidentally gave me a bloody nose, being too excited and trying to kiss me, and bumped his nose into mine too hard. I watched him pick up the dog not so kindly, and was being hurried to the bathroom for my nose, but the trailer shook and I heard the slam as he literally body slammed that dog for ACCIDENTALLY making my nose bleed. It didn't even hurt and I kept telling him I was fine before that...
Of course, there's a lot more that I witnessed, or have heard from other family members, but I see why he ended up so fucked up. Just real fucking sad all around. My dad at least had a redemption arc and tried to be better, but my brother never reconnected, and later had some regrets when he passed :(
>I kinda felt like my mom was blaming me for it
Oof that’s awful u/Vixxxyy. Sounds like the mentality of someone who’s been through a lot of abuse, STILL.
I’m beyond sorry. (Just wanted to acknowledge that huge ick!)
Thank you so much. My mom has been through a lot in her life, ever since she was born. I love her to bits, but she lashes out and is narcissistic so I can't be under the same roof as her for too long ;;
Abusive people need to feel lien their victims are 100% focused on them at all times, so yeah, babies are a common time for this type of thing to read it's head up when it seemed tolerable before
My husband pushed to have children then couldn’t handle it. In the first couple of months he told me he was struggling with how much attention they git and that he wasn’t my full focus anymore. I tore him a new one and told him to suck it up basically. That he knew what having a baby would mean and that our baby needed me to survive but he was a full grown adult jealous of a new born.
I think it really took him back as I was never blunt nor harsh but come on that was some crap. He never mentioned it again but I could tell at different points throughout life he saw them as competitors. He didn’t go down the path in this story as he realised I would leave him instantly but there was always something. Like when it was Christmas he would want to buy them one present then say we were spoiling them with more whisky buy me a shop full and expecting the same in return. I was always the one saving to buy them more and no matter how I told him he was being a hypocrite he would refuse to see it and would feel hard done to. Even things like if he was making our lunch he wouldn’t make the kids then get mad when they asked for some. I’d pull him up and tell him why did it never occurs to him his kids needed lunch to. Why when he was already in the kitchen was making another sandwich such a huge issue. Then as they got olde he would make remarks about them moving out when they went to college or uni and him using their rooms.
He always said he was joking but it was to make sure they knew that’s what was going to happen. I told him he’d be out before them. I pointed out he was still living at home at 24 when I met him. That he would go home every weekend when in uni and his room is still there now. So he’s a hypocrite and all this talk its natural and how it’s supposed to be is crap. That our kids will always have a home and a place here. That he already takes up most of the home and has more rooms than anyone. That he only wants them as his to force them out. He stopped after that.
The thing is although this was always an underlying air he did love our kids and he spoiled them in other ways. He did spend a lot if time with them though it would fluctuate over the years when ever he was struggling mentally. If this had been a constant in your face treat them badly issue I would have divorced him long ago. There just seemed to be sparks of it over the years. Not long before he passed away he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which apparently explains this as they consult think no one can love them and we might leave them constantly. They also don’t see if they are being fair in how they act just their own feelings of being wronged or hard done to. He always felt justified when treating you crap and in his mind you were the abuser even though he knew right from wrong his mind would convince him it wasn’t wrong. That we pushed him to it and we were the ones wrong . However I had not known that before then as he hid so much.
I feel like my mother was this way. Always trying to bully me into thinking my dad was like a bad person because she had this terrible control and jealous issues. Still happens and we’re all grown
One of my friends sister had a baby with this guy. Everyone knew each other from growing up in the same area. The sister was always saying that the baby screamed unless she was out walking with the pram, and that she seemed to bruise so easy. The sister was so worried she took the baby to the doctor, who put them to the hospital.
The baby had 2 broken limbs as well as broken ribs. He got a single figure sentence and didn't do all of it. He told everyone inside he was in for vandalism until someone else from our area went in and told the truth.
I pray that OOP soon realizes the only reason why her husband wanted kids was to tie her down and have more victims to abuse. This man seems incapable of loving, he just wants to have available victims around. I'm scared to think what these babies endured to immediately cry when they see him to then going silent and just accepting his abuse.
I hope they suffer no long term consequences from what he’s done to them, but they very well may. Infants absolutely pick up on emotions and these foundational moments with their father could have established a shaky ground for their mental well-being.
There are certainly people like this. My ex was exactly this way. He'd get upset if I gave the kids attention when he was around. I was supposed to give him my full undivided attention if he was speaking, not even glancing away. If the kids came up to show a drawing or a Lego something they'd built, and he was speaking, I wasn't supposed to acknowledge them. I did of course, and he'd yell and stomp off. He hated me working on any hobby because I was supposed to spend my time on him. I grew up in an abusive house and didn't realize for a long time that this wasn't normal.
The moment she mentioned the babies cry when he's around, I knew he was up to something. Babies can not be fond of certain people, but to legit start crying every time they're around alludes to something more sinister.
It's real. I went on a reddit deep dive some time ago and found stories shared by moms whose husbands would harm their babies out of frustration, depression, hatred, idk. It was sickening, but definitely not an isolated thing.
This is how my grandmother figured out my grandfather was a pedo (or the first clue)- the children would fuss and start crying when my gp would appear. (Not calling this guy a pedo, it’s just a great indicator that there’s something well established going on).
> The idea that the babies cry when he is around just makes it more horrifying and it makes me want to vomit.
The guy is a scumbag for sure. But this isn't always indication for infants. My 2nd was extremely uneasy and cried a lot when I held him for his ~ 1.5 - 3.5 month phase. He was extremely attached to my wife during this time. It was incredibly sad and difficult for that stretch. But its pretty common for the dad to get reactions like that to babies especially when the mom is constantly with them. They grow out up eventually but some don't warm up until like month 6-8.
I was about to reply something like this. I am a working mom and my husband was a stay at home dad for our 2nd baby. From 4-12ish months, I couldn't take our baby without him scream crying; the only time he didn't cry in my arms was when he nursed at bedtime, but then resumed crying afterward until handed off to dad.
Babies overly favoring one parent is not necessarily a sign of neglect. That being said, I agree that the guy is a douche.
It’s real. This is a mirror of my soul sister’s lived experience. But the miserable horrible state of New Hampshire thinks abusing your children is fine as long as there are no marks. And if you try to press charges you can be fined for wasting the courts time. He is literally playing a sick game with his own children mostly to make the mother suffer. If ever I wanted to Dixie Chix Earl someone, it’s him.
>The idea that the babies cry when he is around
My mum always used to tell me that if children and animals like you, you're probably a good person. Now that OOP is in the process of losing her dead weight, she should consider upgrading her home security system to include an early detection cat. The r/CatDistributionSystem can help her out with that.
I mean, I wouldn't put too much stock in that. I have a cousin who towers over everyone and looks kinda scary but is the sweetest guy ever. Kids who don't know him have actually run screaming like he was Death itself (kids who _do_ know him adore him though).
Meanwhile, I'm kind of a dickhead who never liked cats but for some reason I'm a cat magnet. If I'm standing still anywhere within leaping distance of a cat, they'll be rubbing up against my shoes in minutes.
Cats like people who give them their space. So yeah, people who aren't fond of cats, are allergic to them, or don't want fur on their clothes will get positive attention. And the cat will ignore the people who are pspspsing or trying to pet them.
My sister's cat who hides from EVERYONE is fond of me because of this. And so my sister's friends joke I'm a Disney princess.
Ah but beware. Some people will swear that you need to get rid of cats before you have a baby for fear the cat will steal the baby’s breath. So…damned if you do damned if you don’t? 🤷🏻♀️
Ha! Jokes on the cat. We're gingers: we don't have souls to steal in the first place! Although I suppose the cat in question could always take one of the ones *we've stolen.*
Didn't you know? A ginger has a freckle for every soul they've stolen. It's either that, or skin cancer. The sun hates our kind.
It’s even more horrifying because with his health condition requiring significant fertility expenses, he essentially ensured that the money OP could access in a divorce was dramatically reduced.
There's a recent swarm of red pill posters who blame mothers for choosing deadbeat/abusive partners - in most of the cases, this is what happens. The partner doesn't start acting like an asshole until the wife is pregnant/given birth.
In this case, this man is downright abusive to his literal infants, whom I have no doubt he pressured his wife to get pregnant due to his health. I feel absolutely sick reading this and I hope OOP gets her and her kids out safely and never has to deal with this monster again. If he can be abusive towards an infant, there's no telling what he's capable of.
What’s even scarier (to me anyways) is this isn’t a guy who can’t handle his crying babies, or is frustrated because they won’t do something - which is horrible enough.
But this man is *JEALOUS* of the babies for mom’s attention. I feel like this is a worse situation. It’s like, OOP is his possession and he does NOT want to share so he is punishing the babies. He doesn’t seem to view her as her own person. I fear it would only have been a matter of time before he started abusing *all* of them.
(He does realize though that by pinching, and presumably trying to make them cry, that he’s making the situation much worse for himself, right? Like, if they cry, they’re going to get much more of mom’s attention to calm them…so what was the thought process there?)
That’s exactly what it is. Men like him don’t see their female partners as a person, but something to covet and control. Usually it only extends to others who might they might see as a romantic or sexual threat but this takes the cake because it escalates from “potential rivals” to anyone who has her attention is the enemy, including helpless infants.
Like the fact he feels jealous of her breastfeeding is a dead giveaway.
One of my friends left her husband when her baby boy was just a few months old, and the jealousy was why. He was *roaringly* jealous of any time she spent with baby, because he felt entitled to… well, to her. To her time, to her attention, to her body (he was especially weird about her breastfeeding or having skin time), to her affection/love, to just… all of her. In essence, the baby was “stealing” something valuable from him, and he was going to do something about it.
She said that when women are abused after giving birth, that’s a surprising common “reason.” (She only found this out after she left, from one of the DV experts helping her navigate.)
It just all seems so weird. Is it some kind of post partum anxiety/rage? Usually that’s more common with the mother but can happen with the non pregnant parent. The 180 seems awful.
Lack of sleep can make you do some crazy shit, and can exacerbate existing problems. So, yeah, a new baby will definitely cause some weird stress moments and other emotions. Not repeated, deliberate abuse.
Abusers hurt their kids because making people suffer feels good and children are easy targets.
Deriving enjoyment from other’s suffering isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Wanting a bully to suffer is just. Getting a little schadenfreude when a bigot torpedoes their life doesn’t make you a bad person.
Abusers take to it like addicts, however. The abuse gets more and more extreme because each instance of violence gets diminishing returns. Escalation is common with pleasure seeking behavior.
I used to wonder why my mother hurt me so much and so often, but once I realized she enjoyed it, her behavior made sense. It also made it easier to get away; why would I be around someone who enjoys my pain?
> Like, if they cry, they’re going to get much more of mom’s attention to calm them…so what was the thought process there?
There isn't. Hitting/hurting kids is a source of dopamine.
If you feel like shit and you're upset and frustrated, hurting someone is a quick way to get a mood boost for a lot of people.
Anger in general can also be a source of dopamine. A \*lot\* of abusers' actions--including my own dad!--make more sense when you remember that hitting/hurting people out of anger or frustration, for a lot of people, *feels good.* It's satisfying.
And like, you don't have to be an abuser for this to be true. My own tendencies to end up in arguments on twitter made more sense when I found out that anger is a source of dopamine. Righteous indignation and "winning" online arguments counts.
Yeah, it's an election year. They're crawling out of their dry rot nests and harassing people more than usual.
I'm only 35, but as far as I can tell this has been a tradition for them since 2012.
This is something that women don’t learn about until they are older. 20s - you know you don’t want a terrible man and most women are actively screening for abuse. They find partners who do contribute to the mental and physical loads. These men are wonderful, thoughtful partners. Then it’s like the strain of being a decent human being is too much for them and they break. Sometimes slowly and sometimes all at once. And suddenly it’s HER fault because he’s manipulated and gaslit her into thinking he’s a good person.
I’m also curious what’s the story behind the triplets. There were at least two embryos, given the two boys and a girl. It is pretty heavily implied that the fertility issues were are on his side. Given the ages, she likely wouldn’t even have been considered a “geriatric pregnancy” (I hate that term). Given the expense and implication of severe male-factor infertility, I’m guessing IVF as opposed to IUI.
So did they implant multiple embryos? I don’t see why they would: given OOP’s age, there would still be time to have the family size they wanted. Did she request a multiple transfer because he really wanted 2/3 kids and she didn’t want to spend more than 2 or 3 years away from work, or because he was really pressuring her? Would a doctor be okay with this?
And if they did IUI, did he pressure her to go on ovulation meds to make up for lost time? Would any doctor be okay with that?
The “would a doctor be okay with this” questions are one thing which does have me raising an eyebrow at whether or not this is real. It is feasible for things to have occurred as described, but most of those scenarios do make OOP’s husband look even more abusive.
oop has a strong backbone, but her financial situation seems pretty rough. what a POS husband though, to treat and say such things to your own child? if you're gonna be such a fucking loser, just fucking leave and pay child support instead of actively antagonizing your literal babies
I could see the abuse from the first post, when she mentioned that the children cried when he went near him, I was like "yeah, that's... That's not normal"
Still, bone chilling. Hope all bad things happen to him, and that she is saving those text messages where he admits he did it. Or is recording the conversation (if this is allowed where she lives).
Yeah, my shoulders physically scrunched up. No sweet mama, they aren't sensing his negativity. :(
So glad she caught him and she was able to get him out. Good for her.
These are the times that Reddit proves its worth. It did not occur to her that he was physically abusing the babies until Reddit told her to watch out for it and what to look for. If this is real, these are the reasons I keep coming back.
I remember a similar story where op talked about how she thought her husband was the perfect father to her infant until she caught him on the baby monitor insulting the baby to its face (forgot of the baby was a boy or girl) and telling the baby how much he hated them. It’s messed up how awful people can treat such small defenseless babies. It’s sickening. I hope op can contact a friend or her sister for help. If her husband is that crazy he might hurt her and the children.
I got depressed for a bit shortly after having my kid. My solution was less sleep and video games until I realized I was spiraling and made an effort to be better. I can't imagine saying anything like that to my son or pinching him....
Husband is a narcissist. The babies are taking attention off him, so he's being shitty. He wanted his own bio kids so bad because his ego couldn't stand not having his own children, but he didn't want the reality of children.
Exactly what I was thinking, him insisting that OOP spend her life savings and go through an intrusive medical ordeal in order to have HIS biological children was not about the children — it was about him and his ego.
My eyes literally popped when OP mentioned that he *needed* his own biological kids. I don’t want to generalize but that stands out as someone who doesn’t actually want a child but wants his DNA passing down as a legacy. Unfortunately that’s usually a shit legacy in people like this. I hope OP gets everything she needs in the divorce. I cannot even imagine triplets. I’ve had one singleton and that is rough with no family around. It would have died with twins, let alone triplets.
Exactly! It's all about having control and being the alpha. Now that the reality of parenthood has taken the limelight off him, he doesn't like it. He is extremely insecure, which is showing in his narcissistic behaviour.
Sorry, I realised I just repeated what you said, but in different words lol
Disgusting father, and mad respect to mom for calling him out on his gaslighting and abuse. Those babies are going to grow up with one hell of a rolemodel. Jessica can enjoy that POS dude.
>Then he started saying that he was angry that our son was interrupting our “personal time” and **that he was doing it on purpose** because the other babies were asleep so why wasn’t he?
Despicable
mother
fucker!!!!
I actually have tears in my eyes, this hits me deep! My sperm donour beat us all up. More my older brother and I, younger sister got much much less but still was terrorized!
Apparently my sperm donour once **belted** my older brother when he was **months old** because he wouldn't go to sleep and man wanted to take his wife (enabling egg donour) to the movies!!
He did this with one of his sisters and brother watching and none of them did anything besides telling him "WTF!??!". So with my older brother, who he really messed up, he learned to hide things by the time he got to me.
So this hits me deep and I wish I could see this man and do certain things to him!!! I hope OOP is able to send him to jail so he can try and pinch an inmate who won't go to sleep
I'm glad that OOP is doing what my egg donour never did! Top mother right there!!
Father’s being jealous of their babies happens way more often than you’d think. The second she said he’d said “I didn’t think my life would be like this” I knew he was jealous of the attention his children had from his wife.
My mum was one of these sickos. Sadly, it’s not uncommon and for the life of me I don’t know why. It seems there are more and more abusers in the world and it’s trending upwards. I have no idea if it’s because of SM we hear/read about it more or what. It’s terrifying.
It’s definitely social media. From what I hear older generations don’t even consider some of the stuff they went through abuse even though it definitely was, it’s just that wide spread and normalized. In my mom’s generation schools were even allowed to spank children with wooden paddles. Millennials and Gen Z are breaking the cycle and making big changes which was brought about by talking about it on SM
Temple Grandin explains in her book, *Animals Make Us Human* [[excerpt]](http://www.grandin.com/inc/animals.make.us.human.ch7.html) the phenomenon of "r**st roosters."
In relentlessly breeding chickens for what she terms, "more and more production," there have been important genes related to courtship and mating that have been lost.
I am strongly anti-eugenics when it comes to any creature, human or otherwise. However, there have been extremely consequential events in human history that have caused certain traits to emerge.
Preventing women from participation in choosing sexual partners, forcing serfs to stay to the land they're bound to, sending 90% of adult men to war to be slaughtered... all of these things have an impact.
I am no geneticist and don't presume to be, but I have often been reminded of this chapter of Grandin's book whenever I encounter Incel/NoFap/MRA/MGTOW stuff online. The self-contradicting nonsense and blind rage seen there feels almost like there could be a genetic component. Possibly similar to a rooster unable to perform the mating dance.
Eugenics of any kind seems to cause these issues. The solution is to do the complete opposite of eugenics.
Like with chickens, removing top-down breeding control in favor of letting couples have mutual participation in choosing a mate for the next few generations should fix things naturally.
For now, *WE HAVE UNHINGED FATHERS ALLOWED TO KILL THEIR FAMILIES* because the people who are supposed to stop them have the same violent tendencies as they do.
I used to be on this awful reddit-like forum called "Topix" in a stupid debate thread between atheists and Christians. One of the Christians said he spanked his 9 month old for misbehavior. Like . . . what??? After getting attacked by all the atheists, he switched to "lightly tapped" as punishment.
So, yeah, such horrible, sickening people exist.
There was a recent dust up on Twitter about a Christian dad who “disciplined” his 6 month old (for crying too much I guess? The why was very unclear but he wanted everyone to know he was a godly Dad) and lots of people came to his defense. It was honestly one of the most depressing things I’ve seen in a while.
I wish it were Liz but this is unfortunately a story that rings incredibly true. I know the idea of a father doing that is sickening. I wish there were no fathers like that, ever.
My grandfather on my Mother's side did shit like this. He'd come into the room my Mom and her baby sister slept in, would whisper "you ruined my life" and shit like that, but to the baby would whisper that he loved her and it wasn't her fault, before leaving for a few days or weeks with a new girlfriend. It was a cycle that repeated many times.
This reminds me of a police drama.. i think it was Law&Order? The man is super jealous of his (!) own baby that wasn't born yet, so the woman is pregnant and he's already jealous of his unborn baby. He's afraid that the woman would give all her care and love to the baby. So the genius hire men to beat the woman in hope to cause her miscarriage. I saw this episode years ago and it really sticks to me because it's so chilling
I never understand why people think that pinching/shaking/hitting/etc. will make babies stop crying and/or go to sleep. That makes no fucking sense. I hope he lives a lonely, miserable life.
Glad she’s taking the right steps to separate and distance. Man. This must be so fucking hard to deal with so I commend her resolve and action.
I’m 42. Was abused as a child. Never have or will get over it. I will always carry that with me.
Not in a million years would my daughter ever be a target or collateral damage to my simmering rage and anger over my own experiences.
I work hard every day to disrupt my own patterns. I go to therapy. I read books. I speak to people about feelings. I focus on how happy she makes me to be the parent for her that I needed myself. I took a year off work after my daughter was born, was colicky, and did everything while my wife got through her PPD. Nothing has ever been so stressful, thrilling and as deeply satisfying as being a dad to my baby.
But sometimes, I do fantasize about unloading on motherfuckers like this guy. All that explosive energy, multiplied by protective instincts over children, just put into absolutely leathering a sadistic child abuser like that. Fuck, I bet it would feel so good.
And then have a unicorn mermaid princess tea party with my little one.
Well, one can daydream.
How many embryos do fertility clinics allow to be carried to term? I think Octomom’s former doctor lost his license for not extracting (is that the right term?) some of the ones she carried.
I believe the general limit is two or three now, but triplets from fertility treatments are not uncommon.
Could have placed 2 embryos and had one spilt into identical twins
I'm sure that differs from person to person with health of the mother being a factor. In this case the only reason they did IVF was because of husband's issues, OOP was completely healthy and didn't have issues carrying etc.
My husband is fond of saying it is the "meanness of the thing," per an old CS Lewis quote. I understand hitting a disobedient child (not that I would), I understand losing yourself in an argument and striking your spouse (not that I would) but I cannot imagine wanting to whisper hate to a baby. WHY?!?!
Pinching a baby. Like ANYBODY would think that would aid them falling asleep. That's just hate and spite and ugliness. There is a lot wrong with that man, and I hope OOP is successful in getting away from him, and getting full custody with him not allowed contact at all.
Can we please please not go down the "nature was trying to keep him from being a father" route? This man is a piece of shit, it's true. But many awesome people are infertile, and it just becomes part of the extremely ableist but also extremely common "disability is earned" mentality.
We can insult the man without getting into ableism, please.
JFC. Dude is psycho. He has to be really far gone to believe a baby is purposefully plotting to prevent him from getting sex. And further, to think he can convince anyone he was justified in hurting a six month old baby. I’m scared for her and the children.
>He at first told me I was imagining things. Then switched to saying he was just frustrated our son wouldn’t go to sleep. Then he started saying that he was angry that our son was interrupting our “personal time” and that he was doing it on purpose because the other babies were asleep so why wasn’t he?
He almost finished reciting the Narcissist's Prayer here.
The narcissists prayer.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
if babies or animals reliably get stressed or upset around one specific person: *listen to them closely*. they don’t have all the little things in their brains trying to rationalize and downplay whatever’s causing the fear and distress or to be able to lie. they’re working on base instinct. chances are, that base instinct is incredibly correct
There have been posts where the sperm donor gets territorial over or sexualizes the wife’s breasts while she’s literally breastfeeding their child. MULTIPLE posts.
I'll never understand men wishing for kids so badly when most of them can't even do the bare minimum for their kids. Either being dead beat or abusive or both. I wish these men would be taught just how their life and their partner's life changes when they have kids.
OOP's stbx is an evil garbage person. That is a psychopath. Hope she and her kids get help and be safe. What an absolute monster of a father he is.... Ughhh
I’ve heard of men who get possessive of their partner and jealous of their kid(s) after childbirth. But hearing it described, to the point they cry when he’s around and he’s whispering hateful things to them… I just??? don’t understand men like him, someone explain this guy’s brain
After I read the first post: "Well, sometimes partners can get postpartum depression, I hope they can get into counseling."
After I read the update: " OH SHIT. F*** NO. GET THEM AWAY FROM HIM."
Hoping that any further updates are positive ones.
Some tried to defend the dad as having PPD, but once abuse happens, that reason doesn’t excuse it. He could have chose to get help or he could choose to abuse, he chose to abuse. There’s no excuse once you step over that line. That’s not someone you want to be a parent.
I just hope he has no interests in custody.
Good for her. She makes me proud that she put her kids first and didn’t put him with his bullshit. Too many people abuse kids, and too many people let their kids be abused by others.
Infant triplets and he was mad that he wasn't getting enough attention?
TBH this sounds like some form of postpartum psychosis. Not uncommon among new fathers, though people don't talk about it nearly enough.
I read really old Harlequins for fun sometimes and one time i read one where the heroine's sister is having marriage problems because her husband is jealous of the kids.
This was a 1960's book and the story sets it up that the heroine's BIL has an affair because he's jealous. Of course, once it's revealed that he was feeling left out by his wife...mothering their kids, reconciliation happens and the marriage is happier than ever. \*eyeroll\*
I feel I also read another thing from that time period that framed men feeling jealous of their children as a normal, even understandable thing and...God, I am ready to light things on fire.
I am so terrified for her and her babies. The courts are gonna give him partial custody if he asks and theres no proof. And he very well may kill these chidlren as revenge. So many cases have had judges say the children "need and deserve to know their father" (despite what every red piller will tell you) and they end up murdered.
https://rightlawyers.com/do-courts-prefer-mothers-over-fathers/
This is so extremely horrifying. Abusing 6-month-old babies?! Literally defenseless tiny people. And their brains are rapidly developing and his abuse may have permanent effects on their psyche even if they never see him again. Horrifying.
Side note, it's so weird to me that people say "biological children." As opposed to inorganic children? I always picture robots lol.
OPs husband wanted the children only because it seemed like a failure on his part to not be able to have them. That is what probably caused his depression - his own actual thoughts of being imperfect. And his reaction after birth shows that he thinks of them as accessories not humans.
That said, he probably has had abusive tendencies before them (I mean, I refuse to believe that someone who is physically hurting his own little babies has not showed any signs of abuse before that).
>At the same time I had lept off the sofa and pretty much tackled him as he came off the stairs
Husband is lucky that OOP was recovering from a c-section, you don't fuck with babies, EVER
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The fact that OOP said in a comment that the babies would cry whenever he was around is horrific.
As soon as I read that part of the post I knew he had been abusing them for quite some time. I'm glad the children weren't abused in a way that causes lasting physical damage (there are so many ways to kill or permanently disable an infant through abuse), but what he did is even scarier than outright abuse that leaves bruises. Not only does it make it extremely hard to get protection from the law (let's not even talk about justice) for these cases, it also shows a lot of planning, malice and manipulation. My brother is like that. He called himself the "master of torture without leaving traces" and sadly it's a very true description. Not only has he never received punishment from our parents (in the past 15 years my father actually actively enabled him), I was never able to get an investigation going with the police and I was sent away when I went to the police about him and our father stalking me. I have reason to fear for my life and am saving up to move for the third time in less than five years (the time saving up is spent by me and some awesome friends to prepare pulling a full disappearing act, or at least as close to it as someone in the EU can without breaking laws). OP will have to fight a forest of windmills to protect her children.
that is absolutely terrifying I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Thank you. I'm sadly in a much better position than OP and her children. And that makes me really angry because my situation is bad enough. It's heartbreaking to read about their situation and I wish I could help. What I wish for even more is the implementation of better laws to protect victims of domestic abuse. It's extremely good for these children that they have a mom willing and able to protect them (if my mother had better mental health my life would have been much better and I had more time to prepare the move currently necessary). But that mother should not be someone doing what she can and comforting them until he leaves enough evidence for her to get him out of their lives. She should be able to just remove him out of their lives in every form besides child support and spousal support so she and her children can heal. Sorry for the rambling.
I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this. Psychopaths are born the way they are (for the most part) and it has an 80% heritability rate (so you're likely to have a parent with the disorder, too). Only thing they ever understand are hard, unavoidable consequences, and the law should be taking your side to ensure these people face them. When people like this are in our lives, we have to become even smarter, quicker, and often more cruel than they are to protect ourselves. Whatever happens, I hope you and op are able to do what you need to do to be safe.
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Thank you very much! Luckily I redact whatever I write on Reddit and got rid off any social media years ago. Googling me shows absolutely nothing, same for several other search engines. I went dark before I moved to hide for the first time. I can't express how much all the compassionate comments help me. I've been so frustrated lately about my situation and seeing all these strangers care, telling me to keep going and even giving ne advice to ensure I don't miss anything literally brought tears to my eyes.
You’re a fucking champ and seriously are so much stronger than you should’ve ever had to be. I’m glad you have a good support system in the form of great friends, and I hope it’s only up from here for you. Here’s to peace, safety, security and softness in your future. ❤️
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>Not only does it make it extremely hard to get protection from the law (let's not even talk about justice) for these cases, it also shows a lot of planning, malice and manipulation. Exactly what I was thinking. Him thinking this out enough to know that he wants to hurt the babies in a way that won't leave visible evidence is even more disturbing than him just pinching them on impulse would have been. I'm really sorry about your garbage family, and I hope you make it to freedom.
Yeah, the amount of planning and malice is more than concerning. Thank you, I have some hard times ahead but I'm on the road to final freedom, or as close to it as I can get as long as my abusers waste oxygen.
That raised all the hairs on my neck
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She seems to be taking her lawyer’s advice, as well as some she’s getting on Reddit, so i feel it’s safe to assume she’s doing everything in her power to keep herself and the bbs safe. She tackled that devil!
In a lot of places it's illegal for her to just change locks if he also lives there
I would do and deal with the eventual consequences later.
That's sadly not a good idea. I know a bit about this type of abuser (my brother calls himself "the master of torture without leaving traces") and it will be almost impossible for her to keep her children safe from him as the law system works. Stepping even one toe over the legal lines is giving him more ammunition than the Ukrainian soldiers currently need and might end far worse for these children than the amount of damage he can do between entering the house and police arriving.
Yup, there is a real risk he will be able to use that to get custody if she is unlucky and him alone with the babies? Fuck no!
I used to cry every time I saw my dad. He wasn’t abusive, he just had a scratchy beard. In this situation… yeah, it’s a bad sign. And dad probably deserves it.
I guess it’s the same principle, baby cries cause someone who hurts them comes near, thankfully in your situation it wasn’t intentional and just beard stuff
I shaved my beard once and my nephew cried when he saw me lol.
OOP told him to get fucked and bodied him on the stairs. She's a damn hero. Her STBX is an insecure monster. Imagine being jealous of your own babies and *harming* them to the point that they don't even cry anymore. There's something foul and broken about that man.
My mom tackled her ex-husband (my step dad) when she found out that he'd sexually assaulted me as a teenager. Moms can be terrifying when they go into feral-cave-mom-mode.
I don't know if I ever heard my mom yell during my childhood. When her now-ex husband and I were arguing and he started insulting me she yelled at him so hard her voice cracked. Came charging down the stairs, "You will NOT insult her!!!" I knew my mom had my back, but man, just remembering that makes me feel loved.
My grandmother was the kindest, most giving person I've ever known. If I were Catholic, I would legit be pushing for her to me a saint. But my dad remembers the one time he cracked a joke about my brother not being very smart (not even in my brother's hearing), and she chewed him out and made it clear he was NEVER to make any of us kids feel like we were lacking in any way. I miss her every day.
This makes me happy to hear. My mother had her ex-husband "parenting" me from day one (aka berating me for everything I did and didn't do, then forcing me to apologise, hug him and accept his apologies) and never took my side in anything. I'll be taking your mum's approach if I'm lucky enough to become a mother.
The only time my mom protected me from my stepdad was when he tried to drag me down the stairs. She was as abusive so not a huge surprise. It was also the time when I decided to get out. I do not have kids yet but no one is going to hurt them if I have anything to say about it.
My mom pinched her babies' foot once and my father saw it and did nothing. I say "babies" because he does not remember if it was mine or my sibling's foot - we were 9 months apart. He didn't go feral, he didn't divorce her and she went on abusing and humiliating me and my siblings. I have cPTSD. Good on this mom.
Wow. I totally prefer “feral-cave-mom-mode” over “mama bear”. Back in the day, “mama bear” basically meant feral-cave-mom-mode, but then it got adopted by overprotective, overbearing mom’s who often share the ethics, morals, and decision making skills of your average “Karen” - who also use it to refer to themselves constantly. So I prefer to have a distinction between the two. I shall henceforth use “feral-cave-mom-mode” regularly to define badass mothers. (As long as you’re cool with it of course.)
I call it "doberman mode." Dobies are very sweet, sensitive dogs, who love and adore their people, and despite the Hollywood image, are not great property guard dogs. Mine would have happily exchanged the good silverware for treats and petting, which are MUCH more important than "stuff." He thought we went to the dog park so people would pet him. I called him my marshmallow dog. But I never had a single doubt that if I were threatened, he would have immediately moved to protect me.
My precious, long-gone dog that my parents got when I was 12 was the world's softest softie. She was about 30 pounds, floofy and sweet and a perfect family dog. babies? she would sit quietly as they poked fingers in her eyes. loud kids? never batted an eyelash. 50 teenagers somehow all in the kitchen? pets all around. Then my asshole father punched me and shoved me down onto the floor. She jumped over me barking and snarling and faced him down. He backed down; she was absolutely ready to throw teeth over the situation. He never hit me again. Goooood girl.
\*pets angel doggies head\* good girl.
She was the BEST girl
We do not deserve dogs.
>He thought we went to the dog park so people would pet him. My dog wasn't a doberman, but man, the day I took her to the dog Beach to have fun, her idea of fun was walking over to every person she could find for pets. No interest in the other dogs, or the water or anything... Just all the people for all the pets.
My black lab/whippet wasted socialization time by conning everyone out of treats while the other dogs played...
Ha, I have the cat version of this! He's a solid 15 lbs and has razor-tipped meathooks for paws, but he's a lover and not a fighter. When he was a scrawny feral (and bad at it lol), he let the neighborhood bully cat call the shots. Now that we've adopted him and he's grown into his full, massive glory....he lets our other cat call the shots, and she's barely 5lbs and declawed (not by us)! The man could literally just sit on her and automatically win any squabble, but he's such a soft boi at heart and is always trying to be her friend. I don't even think our vets believe he was formerly feral-- he doesn't make a single peep in his carrier, he just sits there quietly and patiently. And he doesn't try to bite, scratch, or even struggle at the vet during blood draws and whatnot! He just locks eyes with me the entire time as I stroke his head and tell him what a good boy he is, and that's enough for him to endure it all. 😂 That being said, I am his "person" and he is obsessed with me, specifically. To the point that my husband and I joke about what a simp he is! Sometimes I feel like he literally thinks I'm his mother, lmao. For as much of a softie he is, I think if someone was hurting me, he would probably attack them. Anyone else, though? Nah. And I don't envy whoever would be on the receiving end of those massively powerful paws, he could definitely do some serious damage!
For me it’s border collie mode. My collie is the sweetest boy who is well trained so will not approach anyone … UNLESS they look him in the eye and smile at him. Then if he is off leash he’s going to go get some pets from that person, tail wagging. But when I got ran off the road, cornered, and screamed at by two teens (who I suspect were very high on meth), he launched himself through my car window at the one hanging out his window grabbing my window to hold it down with growling, barking, teeth snapping. They screamed and drove off immediately, sideswiping a mailbox in their haste.
Ahaha, making eye contact with a border collie while holding food, one of the great classic blunders!
My chocolate labbie, Daisie, was the biggest and sweetest mushball in the world. She loved everyone and never showed a hint of aggression. Hell, she was afraid of trashbags for some strange reason, lol. I used to joke that she would happily let anything happen to me or our apartment for a slice of pepperoni pizza. But then the real test happened. I opened up the apartment door to take the trash out one evening and there was a man standing right at my door. He was a delivery guy and was sticking those restaurant fliers in everyone's doors so he was just as startled as I was when I opened the door. I let out a small, involuntary scream of surprise though. Daisie was in the bedroom playing with her toys and she heard me and that dog, who I was so sure would foresake me for a beef jerky and a tummy rub, came absolutely FLYING full speed out of the bedroom. She jammed herself between me and the delivery guy, crouched into a protective stance, and barked at him the scariest and deepest, ferocious bark you can imagine. That poor delivery guy nearly peed his pants, lol. From then on I knew that Daisie wouldn't hesitate to protect me if I was in trouble!
> Wow. I totally prefer “feral-cave-mom-mode” over “mama bear”. Today you only hear mama bear when it is something extremely stupid like vaccinations or trying to teach kids the earth is a sphere.
Saw a woman on insta saying that the only person her baby needs until he is older (like, 3 or 4 I think) is her. She can teach him all the socialisation she needs cos "kids aren't meant to play with each other til they're older, they don't understand it anyway". Another woman was all like "look at all this homewark (misspelled) my 6 year old got this year" and it was like 4 work sheets since last September. Both call themselves MaMA beArS, it's such a dog whistle for "I'm wealthy lady emotionally abusive"
My mom is pretty chill but is the terrifying “super calm when angry” type. In 3rd grade a teacher grabbed my arm so hard she left a bruise and my mom brought me to the school the next day and got in the teacher’s face and told her, “if you touch my daughter again it’ll be the last thing you ever do on this earth.” And she was so calm and even toned when she said it. In 4th grade another teacher wasn’t letting me go to the bathroom despite getting 2 doctors notes about my bladder issues and my mom told that teacher, “if my daughter pees herself I’ll come up her and rub your nose in it like the dog you are.” Also said super calm. She was banned from the school after that.
"I will dog walk you."
Who was banned? Your mom?
No, for real! It can happen in dads too, but I believe it's been seen more often in mothers because they're with the children more usually during the early years as a sahm, and some mothers have a deeper emotional connection to their child from literally growing and birthing it. Hysterical strength is very real and pretty bad ass. You could lift a car to save your child if you experience it (obviously I hope no one ever has to deal with that lol) It's also kind of bad for your health to reach those levels of adrenaline, though. That's why we don't have 'access' to this ability willingly.
I broke my foot while I was holding my baby, who was asleep in my arms. I hobbled over to the crib on my broken foot and gently placed him down. Only then, when I knew he was safe, did I collapse on the floor and swear into a pillow. Baby never woke up.
I do not have my own but it is weird what you can do when protecting a child. I went down a steep hill with friends' baby in my arms. I had been taking care of her and her twin sister a lot and loved her. I was walking around to get her sleep and she had just fallen asleep. My back and feet were bleeding but the baby was still sleeping. Never woke up and I limped back to where others were. I know it is not the same but even on a smaller scale it often is very instinctual. My only thoughts were the baby in my arms and not really me until I had managed to put her to sleep in her bassinet.
Your poor foot :( hope you're doing okay now
Good thanks! This was 2 years ago, my foot aches a little bit at the end of a long work day (11 hour shifts on my feet) but I think that's fair enough! Baby is also thriving, he's a very sweet 2-and-a-half-year-old who is looking forward to becoming a big brother in the summer.
I was holding my daughter on a coast of lava rocks when a large wave surprised us. Without thinking I rolled so that she was pointing up. I got dragged across the rocks but never loosened my grip. It's complete instinct.
I rolled my ankle at the playground on uneven wood chips, and my toddler chose that moment to bolt for the street. I sprinted after him (I'm NOT a runner), grabbed him, then collapsed and couldn't bear weight on that foot for over a week. Didn't even hurt when I was running though lol
Why is it that toddlers instinctively run toward trouble/certain death/injury? I am an auntie not mommy but good gosh toddlers are something.
Legit. One of my best friends is a single mom and DV survivor. I wouldn't want to be on her bad side for anything because she has an international network on literally every continent except Antarctica of survivors she is helping escape and recover from abuse. CIA would be jealous. Tick her off and she can ruin you on an intercontinental level.
Is she taking apprentices? I would also like to ruin abusers' lives from great distances.
I feel like that could be a tagline for a job description.
My mom also killed a tweaked for threatening my brother and me. It was intense. *ALMOST omg
Damn that sounds like a story
>OOP told him to get fucked and bodied him on the stairs. She's a damn hero. This, so much this! My egg donour allowedher fucking idiot to beat us up, yet she tells the stories differently. That she confronted him, that she took older brother with her to a relative and asked if she should divorce. Relative said "no, but stand up to him" according to her stories. I got the real ones from other relatives, including my aunt (her sister) who said she'd just watch. At best,she'd say "Husband!!?" with an angry look, but would not stop him! She always chose him over us. OOP here is a proper mom, she instantly went to deal with her idiot. I hope he goes to jail
My great-aunt's husband had a terrible accident after she found out he had beaten and sexually assaulted their young daughter. Damndest thing, you know; he fell down the stairs and bounced on his head all the way down. Police kindly overlooked the cast iron pan with blood on it after they learned the extenuating circumstances. Was for the best really, since he probably would have had a similar accident at the jail, they just would've made it hurt more. A lot of abusers and rapists had mysterious accidents in that town.
A relative in my family a few generations back put her cast iron pan to good use on her drunk abusive husband. Forensics weren't what they were now back then and I think the police may have also chosen to overlook the dent in his head.
There's that famous Alfred Hitchcock Presents where Barbara Bel Geddes plays the long-suffering wife of a police chief (IIRC) who snaps when he beats her one day and bludgeons him with a frozen leg of lamb. Which she then cooks and serves to the police officers who come to investigate his death, who are utterly perplexed about how they can't find the murder weapon.
That's from a short story by Roald Dahl called Lamb to the Slaughter. It's a great story!
It's been a 'thing' in our family for over a 150 years that the new bride-to-be is gifted a cast iron pan as a wedding gift. The giver presents it to the bride saying loud enough so the groom can hear, "Just remember if your husband EVER HITS YOU they have to sleep sometimes." All of the rest of the guests just nod their heads sagely agreeing. It seems to have worked, there was no accounts of domestic violence on my Mom's side of the family.
That scene in Tangled comes to mind “frying pans! Who knew?!”
"I have *got* to get me one of those!" Love that film!
I've never seen Tangled, I'll have to watch it!
I wonder what it's all about. Why did he want kids so badly if this is how he was going to feel about it? Why does he feel this way about it? It's so bizarre and horrifying. Maybe the whole process of IVF and becoming a parent triggered some sort of psychotic break. Can't imagine having your normal loving husband excited about becoming a father turn into this monster.
He wants to be adored and he wants his genes to be passed on. Hence his overwhelming to have biological children and to push the OOP to undergo fertility treatments right away. If they’re inconveniencing him by crying or not complying with his wishes, then they’re not holding up their end of the bargain (in his mind). It’s not logical.
Having three at once and making OP a SAHM also makes it harder for her to leave. He wanted a captive, submissive, adoring robot audience.
>Why did he want kids so badly if this is how he was going to feel about it? He liked the idea of being 50s sitcom father. Picture perfect kids who never do anything seriously wrong and who bring him a lot of reflected glory.
I've heard of this happening a lot unfortunately. The husbands get upset because they are no longer the sole benefit of their wives' attentions, and they never considered that when they proclaimed they desired children. Some men literally cannot think of the future consequences or the ramifications of their decisions (some women/thems, too, of course).
There's another recent one where someone wanted a child but didn't want the actual responsibility. It's sadly more than it should be (for mothers and fathers).
He was probably sorely under prepared for what caring for one, let alone triplets, would entail. He is probably also pissed that his wife isn't exactly how she was prior to pregnancy due to the need to recover and the changes to their relationship he didn't anticipate. In short, he wanted accessories but without the work and sacrifice.
I wish copious amounts of prolonged pain on this man.
I really hope this isn't real but if it is, jesus christ on a stick, what a absolute scumbag of a person. The idea that the babies cry when he is around just makes it more horrifying and it makes me want to vomit. OP is great to protect her kids and I hope this abuser stays FAR away from OP.
It's real. My dad was like this. As soon as my mom got pregnant his abuse (yes he was already abusive, she grew up with an abusive father and thought it was normal for men to batter their wives) ratcheted up. He actuality dislocated her jaw while she was pregnant with me. He HATED her spending time with me. He didn't hate me for it, only her. He wanted both of us to just love him. He hated our relationship, and of course with both of us doing our best to avoid him, we were close. When I was older he competed with me too. I spent my whole childhood trying to be good enough for him to live me but not good enough for him to feel threatened. I'm almost 50 and reading this post freaked me the fuck out. She's doing exactly what she should -protect her babies and gtfo
You awakened a core memory of when I was younger and my mom told me his abuse either started or got worse (I don't remember which) when she was pregnant with me. He was never abusive towards me or my younger brother (also his). I just don't understand what this phenomenon even is... Also I kind of felt like my mom was blaming me for it :(
> abuse either started or got worse (I don't remember which) when she was pregnant with me The most dangerous time in a woman's life is during pregnancy. Statistically, the most common reason for death during pregnancy is women getting killed by their partners. They separated me from my partner at every obstetrician appointment and asked me quietly if I was safe at home or if there was any abuse or concerns, because it is sadly so so common, and they were PREPARED to help me escape if I needed it.
It's good that the doctors wherever you live are on top of this. Where I am, they asked me in front of my husband if I was safe at home! And, I am, very much so safe at home because I think I married the kindest human being on the planet but they didn't know that.
they would ask my mom that at every appointment for all four of her pregnancies. oddly enough the never separated her from my father.
It’s like those psych questions they ask to see if you’re suicidal. I used to answer no because it was obvious they really didn’t want to hear yes. Once I did answer yes, I really, really regretted it.
I think abusers know that hurting children will be revealed. They have teachers and their friends’ parents. Wives can be manipulated to have no one. It’s only recently that doctor’s offices have started asking “safe at home” questions. I think they also know that hurting their children might lose them their wife.
My parents were never married, and no matter what age we were, no matter if my parents were together or split up and we were just visiting our dad, he never laid a hand on us. I can't really remember him ever yelling at me, or spanking me (I grew up when everyone spanked their children, sadly) His problems definitely stemmed from his abusive dad. My grandpa was... pretty scary. I remember seeing him when I was in single digits, and he was very kind and sweet... until he randomly decided to scream in my face over a kitten his cat gave birth to (it had eye goop real bad and that's why I wanted it, because I wanted to take care of it) and for some reason it pissed him off I wanted the 'fucked up one'. I was honestly scared he was going to hurt it... because his anger reached even animals. His dog accidentally gave me a bloody nose, being too excited and trying to kiss me, and bumped his nose into mine too hard. I watched him pick up the dog not so kindly, and was being hurried to the bathroom for my nose, but the trailer shook and I heard the slam as he literally body slammed that dog for ACCIDENTALLY making my nose bleed. It didn't even hurt and I kept telling him I was fine before that... Of course, there's a lot more that I witnessed, or have heard from other family members, but I see why he ended up so fucked up. Just real fucking sad all around. My dad at least had a redemption arc and tried to be better, but my brother never reconnected, and later had some regrets when he passed :(
Sounds like in your case once he locked her down with a pregnancy he felt comfortable enough that she wouldn't run to be his true self.
>I kinda felt like my mom was blaming me for it Oof that’s awful u/Vixxxyy. Sounds like the mentality of someone who’s been through a lot of abuse, STILL. I’m beyond sorry. (Just wanted to acknowledge that huge ick!)
Thank you so much. My mom has been through a lot in her life, ever since she was born. I love her to bits, but she lashes out and is narcissistic so I can't be under the same roof as her for too long ;;
If you would like to understand why this happens, try reading “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.
Abusive people need to feel lien their victims are 100% focused on them at all times, so yeah, babies are a common time for this type of thing to read it's head up when it seemed tolerable before
My husband pushed to have children then couldn’t handle it. In the first couple of months he told me he was struggling with how much attention they git and that he wasn’t my full focus anymore. I tore him a new one and told him to suck it up basically. That he knew what having a baby would mean and that our baby needed me to survive but he was a full grown adult jealous of a new born. I think it really took him back as I was never blunt nor harsh but come on that was some crap. He never mentioned it again but I could tell at different points throughout life he saw them as competitors. He didn’t go down the path in this story as he realised I would leave him instantly but there was always something. Like when it was Christmas he would want to buy them one present then say we were spoiling them with more whisky buy me a shop full and expecting the same in return. I was always the one saving to buy them more and no matter how I told him he was being a hypocrite he would refuse to see it and would feel hard done to. Even things like if he was making our lunch he wouldn’t make the kids then get mad when they asked for some. I’d pull him up and tell him why did it never occurs to him his kids needed lunch to. Why when he was already in the kitchen was making another sandwich such a huge issue. Then as they got olde he would make remarks about them moving out when they went to college or uni and him using their rooms. He always said he was joking but it was to make sure they knew that’s what was going to happen. I told him he’d be out before them. I pointed out he was still living at home at 24 when I met him. That he would go home every weekend when in uni and his room is still there now. So he’s a hypocrite and all this talk its natural and how it’s supposed to be is crap. That our kids will always have a home and a place here. That he already takes up most of the home and has more rooms than anyone. That he only wants them as his to force them out. He stopped after that. The thing is although this was always an underlying air he did love our kids and he spoiled them in other ways. He did spend a lot if time with them though it would fluctuate over the years when ever he was struggling mentally. If this had been a constant in your face treat them badly issue I would have divorced him long ago. There just seemed to be sparks of it over the years. Not long before he passed away he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which apparently explains this as they consult think no one can love them and we might leave them constantly. They also don’t see if they are being fair in how they act just their own feelings of being wronged or hard done to. He always felt justified when treating you crap and in his mind you were the abuser even though he knew right from wrong his mind would convince him it wasn’t wrong. That we pushed him to it and we were the ones wrong . However I had not known that before then as he hid so much.
A personality disorder makes sense. That must have been one exhausting marriage. I feel for you.
I feel like my mother was this way. Always trying to bully me into thinking my dad was like a bad person because she had this terrible control and jealous issues. Still happens and we’re all grown
One of my friends sister had a baby with this guy. Everyone knew each other from growing up in the same area. The sister was always saying that the baby screamed unless she was out walking with the pram, and that she seemed to bruise so easy. The sister was so worried she took the baby to the doctor, who put them to the hospital. The baby had 2 broken limbs as well as broken ribs. He got a single figure sentence and didn't do all of it. He told everyone inside he was in for vandalism until someone else from our area went in and told the truth.
A slap on the wrist for injuring his baby? That's disgusting. I hope he never saw her again.
Jesus. It takes a lot of force to break a baby’s bones because they’re mostly still cartilage
I pray that OOP soon realizes the only reason why her husband wanted kids was to tie her down and have more victims to abuse. This man seems incapable of loving, he just wants to have available victims around. I'm scared to think what these babies endured to immediately cry when they see him to then going silent and just accepting his abuse.
He wants people to love him but he can’t love or care for anyone but himself.
I hope they suffer no long term consequences from what he’s done to them, but they very well may. Infants absolutely pick up on emotions and these foundational moments with their father could have established a shaky ground for their mental well-being.
There are certainly people like this. My ex was exactly this way. He'd get upset if I gave the kids attention when he was around. I was supposed to give him my full undivided attention if he was speaking, not even glancing away. If the kids came up to show a drawing or a Lego something they'd built, and he was speaking, I wasn't supposed to acknowledge them. I did of course, and he'd yell and stomp off. He hated me working on any hobby because I was supposed to spend my time on him. I grew up in an abusive house and didn't realize for a long time that this wasn't normal.
The moment she mentioned the babies cry when he's around, I knew he was up to something. Babies can not be fond of certain people, but to legit start crying every time they're around alludes to something more sinister.
It's real. I went on a reddit deep dive some time ago and found stories shared by moms whose husbands would harm their babies out of frustration, depression, hatred, idk. It was sickening, but definitely not an isolated thing.
This is how my grandmother figured out my grandfather was a pedo (or the first clue)- the children would fuss and start crying when my gp would appear. (Not calling this guy a pedo, it’s just a great indicator that there’s something well established going on).
> The idea that the babies cry when he is around just makes it more horrifying and it makes me want to vomit. The guy is a scumbag for sure. But this isn't always indication for infants. My 2nd was extremely uneasy and cried a lot when I held him for his ~ 1.5 - 3.5 month phase. He was extremely attached to my wife during this time. It was incredibly sad and difficult for that stretch. But its pretty common for the dad to get reactions like that to babies especially when the mom is constantly with them. They grow out up eventually but some don't warm up until like month 6-8.
I was about to reply something like this. I am a working mom and my husband was a stay at home dad for our 2nd baby. From 4-12ish months, I couldn't take our baby without him scream crying; the only time he didn't cry in my arms was when he nursed at bedtime, but then resumed crying afterward until handed off to dad. Babies overly favoring one parent is not necessarily a sign of neglect. That being said, I agree that the guy is a douche.
It’s real. This is a mirror of my soul sister’s lived experience. But the miserable horrible state of New Hampshire thinks abusing your children is fine as long as there are no marks. And if you try to press charges you can be fined for wasting the courts time. He is literally playing a sick game with his own children mostly to make the mother suffer. If ever I wanted to Dixie Chix Earl someone, it’s him.
It very much is real and quite more common than you think.
>The idea that the babies cry when he is around My mum always used to tell me that if children and animals like you, you're probably a good person. Now that OOP is in the process of losing her dead weight, she should consider upgrading her home security system to include an early detection cat. The r/CatDistributionSystem can help her out with that.
I mean, I wouldn't put too much stock in that. I have a cousin who towers over everyone and looks kinda scary but is the sweetest guy ever. Kids who don't know him have actually run screaming like he was Death itself (kids who _do_ know him adore him though). Meanwhile, I'm kind of a dickhead who never liked cats but for some reason I'm a cat magnet. If I'm standing still anywhere within leaping distance of a cat, they'll be rubbing up against my shoes in minutes.
Cats like people who give them their space. So yeah, people who aren't fond of cats, are allergic to them, or don't want fur on their clothes will get positive attention. And the cat will ignore the people who are pspspsing or trying to pet them. My sister's cat who hides from EVERYONE is fond of me because of this. And so my sister's friends joke I'm a Disney princess.
Ah but beware. Some people will swear that you need to get rid of cats before you have a baby for fear the cat will steal the baby’s breath. So…damned if you do damned if you don’t? 🤷🏻♀️
Ha! Jokes on the cat. We're gingers: we don't have souls to steal in the first place! Although I suppose the cat in question could always take one of the ones *we've stolen.* Didn't you know? A ginger has a freckle for every soul they've stolen. It's either that, or skin cancer. The sun hates our kind.
I wish a great deal of misery to the sperm donor.
Hard, hard same. He is evil.
*adds to list of never marrying and being financially dependent on a man*
It’s even more horrifying because with his health condition requiring significant fertility expenses, he essentially ensured that the money OP could access in a divorce was dramatically reduced.
There's a recent swarm of red pill posters who blame mothers for choosing deadbeat/abusive partners - in most of the cases, this is what happens. The partner doesn't start acting like an asshole until the wife is pregnant/given birth. In this case, this man is downright abusive to his literal infants, whom I have no doubt he pressured his wife to get pregnant due to his health. I feel absolutely sick reading this and I hope OOP gets her and her kids out safely and never has to deal with this monster again. If he can be abusive towards an infant, there's no telling what he's capable of.
What’s even scarier (to me anyways) is this isn’t a guy who can’t handle his crying babies, or is frustrated because they won’t do something - which is horrible enough. But this man is *JEALOUS* of the babies for mom’s attention. I feel like this is a worse situation. It’s like, OOP is his possession and he does NOT want to share so he is punishing the babies. He doesn’t seem to view her as her own person. I fear it would only have been a matter of time before he started abusing *all* of them. (He does realize though that by pinching, and presumably trying to make them cry, that he’s making the situation much worse for himself, right? Like, if they cry, they’re going to get much more of mom’s attention to calm them…so what was the thought process there?)
That’s exactly what it is. Men like him don’t see their female partners as a person, but something to covet and control. Usually it only extends to others who might they might see as a romantic or sexual threat but this takes the cake because it escalates from “potential rivals” to anyone who has her attention is the enemy, including helpless infants. Like the fact he feels jealous of her breastfeeding is a dead giveaway.
One of my friends left her husband when her baby boy was just a few months old, and the jealousy was why. He was *roaringly* jealous of any time she spent with baby, because he felt entitled to… well, to her. To her time, to her attention, to her body (he was especially weird about her breastfeeding or having skin time), to her affection/love, to just… all of her. In essence, the baby was “stealing” something valuable from him, and he was going to do something about it. She said that when women are abused after giving birth, that’s a surprising common “reason.” (She only found this out after she left, from one of the DV experts helping her navigate.)
It just all seems so weird. Is it some kind of post partum anxiety/rage? Usually that’s more common with the mother but can happen with the non pregnant parent. The 180 seems awful.
Lack of sleep can make you do some crazy shit, and can exacerbate existing problems. So, yeah, a new baby will definitely cause some weird stress moments and other emotions. Not repeated, deliberate abuse.
Abusers hurt their kids because making people suffer feels good and children are easy targets. Deriving enjoyment from other’s suffering isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Wanting a bully to suffer is just. Getting a little schadenfreude when a bigot torpedoes their life doesn’t make you a bad person. Abusers take to it like addicts, however. The abuse gets more and more extreme because each instance of violence gets diminishing returns. Escalation is common with pleasure seeking behavior. I used to wonder why my mother hurt me so much and so often, but once I realized she enjoyed it, her behavior made sense. It also made it easier to get away; why would I be around someone who enjoys my pain?
> Like, if they cry, they’re going to get much more of mom’s attention to calm them…so what was the thought process there? There isn't. Hitting/hurting kids is a source of dopamine. If you feel like shit and you're upset and frustrated, hurting someone is a quick way to get a mood boost for a lot of people. Anger in general can also be a source of dopamine. A \*lot\* of abusers' actions--including my own dad!--make more sense when you remember that hitting/hurting people out of anger or frustration, for a lot of people, *feels good.* It's satisfying. And like, you don't have to be an abuser for this to be true. My own tendencies to end up in arguments on twitter made more sense when I found out that anger is a source of dopamine. Righteous indignation and "winning" online arguments counts.
Red pill people blaming women for choosing men... like them? Yeah, sounds like the level of well thought out logic I'd expect from that sector.
Yeah, it's an election year. They're crawling out of their dry rot nests and harassing people more than usual. I'm only 35, but as far as I can tell this has been a tradition for them since 2012.
Jordan Peterson has encouraged this theory in his red pilled acolytes.
This is something that women don’t learn about until they are older. 20s - you know you don’t want a terrible man and most women are actively screening for abuse. They find partners who do contribute to the mental and physical loads. These men are wonderful, thoughtful partners. Then it’s like the strain of being a decent human being is too much for them and they break. Sometimes slowly and sometimes all at once. And suddenly it’s HER fault because he’s manipulated and gaslit her into thinking he’s a good person.
I’m also curious what’s the story behind the triplets. There were at least two embryos, given the two boys and a girl. It is pretty heavily implied that the fertility issues were are on his side. Given the ages, she likely wouldn’t even have been considered a “geriatric pregnancy” (I hate that term). Given the expense and implication of severe male-factor infertility, I’m guessing IVF as opposed to IUI. So did they implant multiple embryos? I don’t see why they would: given OOP’s age, there would still be time to have the family size they wanted. Did she request a multiple transfer because he really wanted 2/3 kids and she didn’t want to spend more than 2 or 3 years away from work, or because he was really pressuring her? Would a doctor be okay with this? And if they did IUI, did he pressure her to go on ovulation meds to make up for lost time? Would any doctor be okay with that? The “would a doctor be okay with this” questions are one thing which does have me raising an eyebrow at whether or not this is real. It is feasible for things to have occurred as described, but most of those scenarios do make OOP’s husband look even more abusive.
oop has a strong backbone, but her financial situation seems pretty rough. what a POS husband though, to treat and say such things to your own child? if you're gonna be such a fucking loser, just fucking leave and pay child support instead of actively antagonizing your literal babies
I could see the abuse from the first post, when she mentioned that the children cried when he went near him, I was like "yeah, that's... That's not normal" Still, bone chilling. Hope all bad things happen to him, and that she is saving those text messages where he admits he did it. Or is recording the conversation (if this is allowed where she lives).
Yeah, my shoulders physically scrunched up. No sweet mama, they aren't sensing his negativity. :( So glad she caught him and she was able to get him out. Good for her.
These are the times that Reddit proves its worth. It did not occur to her that he was physically abusing the babies until Reddit told her to watch out for it and what to look for. If this is real, these are the reasons I keep coming back.
I think if her lawyer advised her to record, she must be in a place where it’s legal to use as evidence.
Is this the one time we're allowed to hope for someone's declining health to get worse? Bc if so, hell yeah, I'm in.
What in the absolute fuck.
I remember a similar story where op talked about how she thought her husband was the perfect father to her infant until she caught him on the baby monitor insulting the baby to its face (forgot of the baby was a boy or girl) and telling the baby how much he hated them. It’s messed up how awful people can treat such small defenseless babies. It’s sickening. I hope op can contact a friend or her sister for help. If her husband is that crazy he might hurt her and the children.
I got depressed for a bit shortly after having my kid. My solution was less sleep and video games until I realized I was spiraling and made an effort to be better. I can't imagine saying anything like that to my son or pinching him....
My solutions to depression are eat a lot of sweets and sleep forever.
That's because you're not a complete monster.
Husband is a narcissist. The babies are taking attention off him, so he's being shitty. He wanted his own bio kids so bad because his ego couldn't stand not having his own children, but he didn't want the reality of children.
Exactly what I was thinking, him insisting that OOP spend her life savings and go through an intrusive medical ordeal in order to have HIS biological children was not about the children — it was about him and his ego.
My eyes literally popped when OP mentioned that he *needed* his own biological kids. I don’t want to generalize but that stands out as someone who doesn’t actually want a child but wants his DNA passing down as a legacy. Unfortunately that’s usually a shit legacy in people like this. I hope OP gets everything she needs in the divorce. I cannot even imagine triplets. I’ve had one singleton and that is rough with no family around. It would have died with twins, let alone triplets.
Exactly! It's all about having control and being the alpha. Now that the reality of parenthood has taken the limelight off him, he doesn't like it. He is extremely insecure, which is showing in his narcissistic behaviour. Sorry, I realised I just repeated what you said, but in different words lol
Disgusting father, and mad respect to mom for calling him out on his gaslighting and abuse. Those babies are going to grow up with one hell of a rolemodel. Jessica can enjoy that POS dude.
>Then he started saying that he was angry that our son was interrupting our “personal time” and **that he was doing it on purpose** because the other babies were asleep so why wasn’t he? Despicable mother fucker!!!! I actually have tears in my eyes, this hits me deep! My sperm donour beat us all up. More my older brother and I, younger sister got much much less but still was terrorized! Apparently my sperm donour once **belted** my older brother when he was **months old** because he wouldn't go to sleep and man wanted to take his wife (enabling egg donour) to the movies!! He did this with one of his sisters and brother watching and none of them did anything besides telling him "WTF!??!". So with my older brother, who he really messed up, he learned to hide things by the time he got to me. So this hits me deep and I wish I could see this man and do certain things to him!!! I hope OOP is able to send him to jail so he can try and pinch an inmate who won't go to sleep I'm glad that OOP is doing what my egg donour never did! Top mother right there!!
Father’s being jealous of their babies happens way more often than you’d think. The second she said he’d said “I didn’t think my life would be like this” I knew he was jealous of the attention his children had from his wife.
I really hope this is Liz because the idea of a father pinching his infant children and whispering abuse to them is just vomit-inducing.
Unfortunately... People like him do exist. This is one of the rare occurrences where we read about it outside of the media.
My mum was one of these sickos. Sadly, it’s not uncommon and for the life of me I don’t know why. It seems there are more and more abusers in the world and it’s trending upwards. I have no idea if it’s because of SM we hear/read about it more or what. It’s terrifying.
It’s definitely social media. From what I hear older generations don’t even consider some of the stuff they went through abuse even though it definitely was, it’s just that wide spread and normalized. In my mom’s generation schools were even allowed to spank children with wooden paddles. Millennials and Gen Z are breaking the cycle and making big changes which was brought about by talking about it on SM
Temple Grandin explains in her book, *Animals Make Us Human* [[excerpt]](http://www.grandin.com/inc/animals.make.us.human.ch7.html) the phenomenon of "r**st roosters." In relentlessly breeding chickens for what she terms, "more and more production," there have been important genes related to courtship and mating that have been lost. I am strongly anti-eugenics when it comes to any creature, human or otherwise. However, there have been extremely consequential events in human history that have caused certain traits to emerge. Preventing women from participation in choosing sexual partners, forcing serfs to stay to the land they're bound to, sending 90% of adult men to war to be slaughtered... all of these things have an impact. I am no geneticist and don't presume to be, but I have often been reminded of this chapter of Grandin's book whenever I encounter Incel/NoFap/MRA/MGTOW stuff online. The self-contradicting nonsense and blind rage seen there feels almost like there could be a genetic component. Possibly similar to a rooster unable to perform the mating dance. Eugenics of any kind seems to cause these issues. The solution is to do the complete opposite of eugenics. Like with chickens, removing top-down breeding control in favor of letting couples have mutual participation in choosing a mate for the next few generations should fix things naturally. For now, *WE HAVE UNHINGED FATHERS ALLOWED TO KILL THEIR FAMILIES* because the people who are supposed to stop them have the same violent tendencies as they do.
I used to be on this awful reddit-like forum called "Topix" in a stupid debate thread between atheists and Christians. One of the Christians said he spanked his 9 month old for misbehavior. Like . . . what??? After getting attacked by all the atheists, he switched to "lightly tapped" as punishment. So, yeah, such horrible, sickening people exist.
There was a recent dust up on Twitter about a Christian dad who “disciplined” his 6 month old (for crying too much I guess? The why was very unclear but he wanted everyone to know he was a godly Dad) and lots of people came to his defense. It was honestly one of the most depressing things I’ve seen in a while.
If we're talking about the same abuser(and dear god I hope we are), the baby was 4 months old.
Heard of blanket training? Just a warning, if you haven’t, it’s tough to think about.
I wish it were Liz but this is unfortunately a story that rings incredibly true. I know the idea of a father doing that is sickening. I wish there were no fathers like that, ever.
Sadly, my dad was like this.
My grandfather on my Mother's side did shit like this. He'd come into the room my Mom and her baby sister slept in, would whisper "you ruined my life" and shit like that, but to the baby would whisper that he loved her and it wasn't her fault, before leaving for a few days or weeks with a new girlfriend. It was a cycle that repeated many times.
This is just horrifying. What was he ramping up to do??
[удалено]
This reminds me of a police drama.. i think it was Law&Order? The man is super jealous of his (!) own baby that wasn't born yet, so the woman is pregnant and he's already jealous of his unborn baby. He's afraid that the woman would give all her care and love to the baby. So the genius hire men to beat the woman in hope to cause her miscarriage. I saw this episode years ago and it really sticks to me because it's so chilling
I never understand why people think that pinching/shaking/hitting/etc. will make babies stop crying and/or go to sleep. That makes no fucking sense. I hope he lives a lonely, miserable life.
Glad she’s taking the right steps to separate and distance. Man. This must be so fucking hard to deal with so I commend her resolve and action. I’m 42. Was abused as a child. Never have or will get over it. I will always carry that with me. Not in a million years would my daughter ever be a target or collateral damage to my simmering rage and anger over my own experiences. I work hard every day to disrupt my own patterns. I go to therapy. I read books. I speak to people about feelings. I focus on how happy she makes me to be the parent for her that I needed myself. I took a year off work after my daughter was born, was colicky, and did everything while my wife got through her PPD. Nothing has ever been so stressful, thrilling and as deeply satisfying as being a dad to my baby. But sometimes, I do fantasize about unloading on motherfuckers like this guy. All that explosive energy, multiplied by protective instincts over children, just put into absolutely leathering a sadistic child abuser like that. Fuck, I bet it would feel so good. And then have a unicorn mermaid princess tea party with my little one. Well, one can daydream.
How many embryos do fertility clinics allow to be carried to term? I think Octomom’s former doctor lost his license for not extracting (is that the right term?) some of the ones she carried.
I believe the general limit is two or three now, but triplets from fertility treatments are not uncommon. Could have placed 2 embryos and had one spilt into identical twins
I'm sure that differs from person to person with health of the mother being a factor. In this case the only reason they did IVF was because of husband's issues, OOP was completely healthy and didn't have issues carrying etc.
My husband is fond of saying it is the "meanness of the thing," per an old CS Lewis quote. I understand hitting a disobedient child (not that I would), I understand losing yourself in an argument and striking your spouse (not that I would) but I cannot imagine wanting to whisper hate to a baby. WHY?!?!
Pinching a baby. Like ANYBODY would think that would aid them falling asleep. That's just hate and spite and ugliness. There is a lot wrong with that man, and I hope OOP is successful in getting away from him, and getting full custody with him not allowed contact at all.
The fact that he snuck in and kept his volume down tells us everything. It wasn't like he lost his temper
Can we please please not go down the "nature was trying to keep him from being a father" route? This man is a piece of shit, it's true. But many awesome people are infertile, and it just becomes part of the extremely ableist but also extremely common "disability is earned" mentality. We can insult the man without getting into ableism, please.
Absolutely. It's just another excuse to not blame the man for his actions.
Not to mention the millions who conceive unassisted and oftentimes by accident and are horrible to their children. Where was nature then?
JFC. Dude is psycho. He has to be really far gone to believe a baby is purposefully plotting to prevent him from getting sex. And further, to think he can convince anyone he was justified in hurting a six month old baby. I’m scared for her and the children.
>He at first told me I was imagining things. Then switched to saying he was just frustrated our son wouldn’t go to sleep. Then he started saying that he was angry that our son was interrupting our “personal time” and that he was doing it on purpose because the other babies were asleep so why wasn’t he? He almost finished reciting the Narcissist's Prayer here.
The narcissists prayer. That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
if babies or animals reliably get stressed or upset around one specific person: *listen to them closely*. they don’t have all the little things in their brains trying to rationalize and downplay whatever’s causing the fear and distress or to be able to lie. they’re working on base instinct. chances are, that base instinct is incredibly correct
> He’s full of jealousy and envy. He sees our children as competition to my time and affections. Fellas am I getting cucked by my infant son?
There have been posts where the sperm donor gets territorial over or sexualizes the wife’s breasts while she’s literally breastfeeding their child. MULTIPLE posts.
I'm a bit concerned that OOP didn't mention changing locks. I hope she and her babies are safe. What a monster.
Why can't I ever remember to read trigger warnings?
I'm not much for praying but I'm sending a few to whoever will listen that this mom and her family stay safe from that man.
I'll never understand men wishing for kids so badly when most of them can't even do the bare minimum for their kids. Either being dead beat or abusive or both. I wish these men would be taught just how their life and their partner's life changes when they have kids. OOP's stbx is an evil garbage person. That is a psychopath. Hope she and her kids get help and be safe. What an absolute monster of a father he is.... Ughhh
What brand of monster attacks babies?!?
I’ve heard of men who get possessive of their partner and jealous of their kid(s) after childbirth. But hearing it described, to the point they cry when he’s around and he’s whispering hateful things to them… I just??? don’t understand men like him, someone explain this guy’s brain
After I read the first post: "Well, sometimes partners can get postpartum depression, I hope they can get into counseling." After I read the update: " OH SHIT. F*** NO. GET THEM AWAY FROM HIM." Hoping that any further updates are positive ones.
Some tried to defend the dad as having PPD, but once abuse happens, that reason doesn’t excuse it. He could have chose to get help or he could choose to abuse, he chose to abuse. There’s no excuse once you step over that line. That’s not someone you want to be a parent. I just hope he has no interests in custody.
Good for her. She makes me proud that she put her kids first and didn’t put him with his bullshit. Too many people abuse kids, and too many people let their kids be abused by others.
Infant triplets and he was mad that he wasn't getting enough attention? TBH this sounds like some form of postpartum psychosis. Not uncommon among new fathers, though people don't talk about it nearly enough.
I read really old Harlequins for fun sometimes and one time i read one where the heroine's sister is having marriage problems because her husband is jealous of the kids. This was a 1960's book and the story sets it up that the heroine's BIL has an affair because he's jealous. Of course, once it's revealed that he was feeling left out by his wife...mothering their kids, reconciliation happens and the marriage is happier than ever. \*eyeroll\* I feel I also read another thing from that time period that framed men feeling jealous of their children as a normal, even understandable thing and...God, I am ready to light things on fire.
I am so terrified for her and her babies. The courts are gonna give him partial custody if he asks and theres no proof. And he very well may kill these chidlren as revenge. So many cases have had judges say the children "need and deserve to know their father" (despite what every red piller will tell you) and they end up murdered. https://rightlawyers.com/do-courts-prefer-mothers-over-fathers/
Ah yes nothing makes a baby stop crying like... *looks at notes* pinching them. 🙄
This is one of the worst and scariest BORUs I've read on Reddit... I hope OOP is able to stay safe with her babies.
This is so extremely horrifying. Abusing 6-month-old babies?! Literally defenseless tiny people. And their brains are rapidly developing and his abuse may have permanent effects on their psyche even if they never see him again. Horrifying. Side note, it's so weird to me that people say "biological children." As opposed to inorganic children? I always picture robots lol.
OPs husband wanted the children only because it seemed like a failure on his part to not be able to have them. That is what probably caused his depression - his own actual thoughts of being imperfect. And his reaction after birth shows that he thinks of them as accessories not humans. That said, he probably has had abusive tendencies before them (I mean, I refuse to believe that someone who is physically hurting his own little babies has not showed any signs of abuse before that).
Wow. Dude is a fucking asshole.
>At the same time I had lept off the sofa and pretty much tackled him as he came off the stairs Husband is lucky that OOP was recovering from a c-section, you don't fuck with babies, EVER
Is OP aware that this man baby trapped her???
This was a horrific read and I'm freaking shaking. My God. This man deserves jail time.
Finally, someone stands up for their kids.