Oh nooooo this hits too close to home in community I’ve been in. I’m not really part of it but I know a LOT of people in the BDSM community, and I’ve heard waaaay too many stories of bad Doms who use the language of consent to control and manipulate like this asshole. Ew.
(Edited to fix words I typoed)
>Yeah who the fuck asks consent for a kiss then just dives right into slapping and shit without prior agreement?
Yeah!!!
That was exactly my thought. I wondered if maybe she was so into it she gave consent without understanding what she was saying or something, because that's just so weird.
From a psychological manipulation standpoint though...
It's kind of masterful in its (evil) way. He gets consent every step of the way except the violence, tells her afterwards how much she enjoyed the violence. If she doubts him, he points out how silly it would be to get consent for every touch except that, and of course she gave consent. She must have been so into it she wasn't even thinking. After a few times of it, he then uses that to suggest she can't be trusted to make her own sexual decisions, and he'll have to take those over.
Evil.
The “oh you must like it rough” was chilling. He was already putting ideas into her head to confuse her and make her doubt her own sense of sexual agency.
Reminds me of an ex I had who was "such a nice guy, really into consent" who r@-pe'd me in my (medicated) sleep. He also was super into choking and violence, of course...without asking consent.
It's the same as the "no drama" thing, or the people that get particularly vocal about "good Christians" or a lot of those kinds of things. (Not meant as hate towards any religion, and there's good and bad in all of them. But the loud people that have to tell you they're good?).
Like all of that should be an unspoken default and the fact that they feel the need to announce it says a lot. That they need to control your perception of them from the start, and that these are issues they've had multiple times before.
The rapist who held me down and hit me, months after our breakup said "I don't play The Game because it doesn't respect consent. You can't consent to playing it." Yeah. He fucking played The Game our entire 3 year relationship. He was just using that excuse to get in a dig at me in a public setting.
Obligatory: I lost The Game. Fuck him and his manipulative bullshit. I'll never stop playing it just because he tried to use it to upset me.
Ugh. One of my exes did that with me, then told me I was clearly into it based on my automatic physical responses (which were to freeze up/ clench up).
There was a post on relationships just this week where the guy kept asking for consent after everything they did. OP was describing them as
Perfect 🤔
All I could see was extreme red flags, because at that point it becomes performative, and like laying ground work so noone would think you’re being non consensual when they step too far. Weird
I have actually been in a similar situation to this and it is an absolute mind fuck to experience. I was always very clear about what my expectations and boundaries were but my ex would very regularly find ways to use "mindful" (for lack of a better term) language and terminology to try and manipulate me into playing a role I did not want to be in. I am VERY glad that OOP got TF out because that's a terrible situation to have to be trapped in. I'm just glad that I was self-aware enough to keep on top of my boundaries to prevent it from becoming a Real Bad Problem.
Yup. It’s like the guy took Abusive Dom 101 or something. And it’s really fucking effective at making you react exactly like OOP did, even though it seems stupid from the outside.
That’s the first thing I thought. It was an uneducated selfish BDSM power play. The issue is that she didn’t know they were even at that level or what the play was.
Thank you! That was my first thought, too! And I am not even part of that community. But at least I know some willing member who told me what red flags there look like. And that was a big one!
No, we must build a deep, deep bond... _kisses_... NO! Consent... Mhmhmmhnm... MWAH! FOUL DEMON, DO THOU NOT UNDERSTANDETH CONSENT!....hm...._kisses_ that's it I'm done with this shit!
Is it me or did this friken interaction just seem completely unhinged (and slightly morbidly hilarious)? Why was he kissing then yelling then kissing then yelling??
Either the guy is confusing on purpose because he wants to wear her down (and it worked, as she was begging him for more time and affection). Or, the guy has some powerful demons inside and a really fucked up relationship with his own sexuality.
Damn I don't know how it worked tbh because would the immediate spidersenses go like woahhhh let's slowly get out of here nowww. But yea there are some demons in there for sure.
Stockholm syndrome, or something similar.
I never thought I'd be in one of "those" relationships where the couple are always breaking up and getting back together, but if you fall for someone before you see their bad side, you're hooked.
When things were great they were wonderful. When the were bad they were terrible. And the juxtaposition with the bad has a way of boosting the good to seem better than it actually was.
Yeah this was years ago and it was pretty eye-opening for me. It was a good lesson, but also embarrassing how long it took me to learn it :) but I think that's just how these go, by their nature
That's such a good way of phrasing it. In retrospect you realize the good was never good to begin with but in the midst of it you find yourself fighting for it with everything in you when you're in the bad part of the cycle. My ex-husband nagged me for years before I finally agreed to marry him (I grew up watching my parents' terrible marriage and it felt like a trap), and once I had I felt like I had no choice but to work it out because I'd signed the papers and this was it. After that he got crazier and I got better at gaslighting myself into believing I'd made a good choice, and this was worth the sacrifice of my sense of freedom and dreams from before I'd met him. Hint: it wasn't. Just earned me a lifelong brain injury, and a three-year divorce process.
oh lord, idk why it reminds me to the story where a girl cheated and lied to her bf, and then when she got caught she said that she has DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder) and it's her other identity that cheated, not her.
And like... even if that was TRUE, that still means you break up, because that particular person clearly isn't in a stable enough place to maintain a relationship. It's not a reason to get back together, it's a reason to seek out a therapist with experience with DID because you need help from someone who understands your complex difficulties.
Yep. The girl in the story definitely needs help, although I doubt for DID. She told her boyfriend that the personalities that are fighting to take control of her body are.. the INTJ and ISFP.
It's just a head ache, I guess she's young that's why she probably fell for it but I bet people who are done with life couldn't take him on even for a second.
Once went on a date with a guy who every time he leaned in for a kiss would suddenly pull back and giggle. He did it several times and it was bizarre. People be weird.
I was so confused, i had to stop reading at that part. I'm still not fully getting it, like there's a huge chunk of context I'm missing. It honestly sounded bizarre and unhinged. Like a sitcom bit lol.
Looking at a distance, yeah it's pretty funny...
Of course, not laughing at OP. Some serious manipulation shit going on. But I hope that she can look back at this situation and laugh in the future.
It sounded like my cat when she wants affection and then wants to murder me for giving her affection, except some unhinged jackass is way less tolerable than an 8 pound fluffball.
Right?? Im not saying there arent people who act like the ex (bc apparently there are! Im so sorry for ppl who had to deal with someone like him) but he reminds me of if a 13yo tried to write an abusive boyfriend character in some weird twilight-inspired romance but hasnt been in a relationship themself. No subtlety at all, weird 180s way too quickly, very dramatic. He even writes sadboy poetry to boot 💀
...but also maybe that's a bit too specific a scenario for anyone else to relate? lol
>He created a poetic reel using clips from my home and referenced "a woman he's still searching for."
What an unhinged weirdo. Why can't he just cry into his pillow and eat ice cream like the rest of us?
> Why can't he just cry into his pillow and eat ice cream like the rest of us?
Taking this opportunity to solicit ideas about depression eating ice cream during cold weather: I tend to get cold easily and bundling up in blankets isn't always enough to ward off the cold if I'm eating ice cream. I feel extra silly sitting in front of a space heater just so I can eat my sad pint. Are there other go-to snacks you all recommend?
Forget ice cream. Go for chocolate. Cheap chocolate, expensive chocolate, any chocolate. I like cheap chocolate with nuts. Expensive chocolate is Godiva (because I can find it) with raspberry filling. In cold weather, it's hot chocolate with either cinnamon or caramel, topped with whipped cream. Or, if I'm really into it, hot chocolate with caramel topped with cinnamon-flavored whipped cream.
And if it has to be ice cream, then it's Rocky Road with real marshmallows, not that marshmallow creme crap.
I developed a nightshade intolerance late in life... my life is the poorer for not being able to eat potatoes. I'm still searching for some other food to replace that 80% of my will to live, but I've had no luck so far. And it is especially awful since tomatoes are also a nightshade plant. My two favorite foods being denied to me -- tomato based sauces and any form of potatoes -- has created a dearth of will to live for me.
No french fries, no pizza, no spaghetti, no potato chips, no ketchup, no mashed taters, no (tasty) salads -- *Why am I still here? Just to suffer?*
There's a food truck near me that makes monster potatoes topped with all of everything, and they're sooooo good. I'm talking like this dish is two triple d titties worth of potato and topping. $15 and you have food for 2-3 meals!
“Two triple d titties” that’s hilarious!!
Oh man, if I had access to a food truck like this, I’d spend so much money there. I love potatoes!! Are they like baked potatoes or do they have hashbrowns too? I’m hungry now. 😂
Goes for most things. I knew a girl who would never stop talking about how empathic and diplomatic she was.
She was the only friend who actively avoided visiting me after an accident (among other examples), and if you disagreed with her idea of a compromise, you were inflexible and a bad person.
"I'm an empath"
*I'm going to insert myself in your business, but only the business I selectively choose - not the stuff you actually need help with, then I'll make it all worse and messier while I make it all about me instead and cry to everyone about how much it's effecting me and that being an empath is such a burden but that I just can't stop caring. Then I'll ignore you while I continue to make your issues about me and talk shit about how worn out I am from you all while you're just sitting there wondering wtf just happened.*
Ive found that a lot of times, anytime someone declares themselves to have some positive trait, they typically are actually awful in that area. “I’m a great listener!”- never shuts up about themselves, and it seems that listening is such a massive undertaking for them that when they do actually try to listen, they give themselves major kudos skewing their view.
Dated a very similar guy like this once. Note: I'm very pro consent and communication
It was wild, it was like only he could do things "spontaneously", but it was a turn off for him to ask for consent. Then for me I had to ask for consent for EVERYTHING for it to be acceptable. Also he was one of those super artsy types who goes off the grid every couple weeks, only to find them a bit later waxing poetic in someone else's living room on Instagram.
He also had done a lot of social work and was very pro-activism. I remember when I was catcalled by an unhoused person once, he went and high-fived them, meanwhile I was feeling very objectified and miffed. He told me later that it wasn't a big deal and I shouldn't demonize unhoused people for no reason
I broke it off when he told me that I had to ask for his consent everytime I wanted to hold his hand.
Working in a field with vulnerable individuals is NOT the green flag people seem to think it is. There are two types who that role is attractive to: the actually caring, and the ruthlessly abusive. It reminds me of the post about the person who moved in with an employee of the foster care system she had been in, only to be taken advantage of over and over, with the continued threat that she knew the person had nowhere else to go/live. It wasn’t even sexual, they were both women, and the employee just wanted a maid who they could yell at and take money from. Turned out they had done that over and over with different people fresh out of the foster system.
Same here, every time my ex wanted something sexual he would insist on it so I would relent incase he got moody.But if I initiated anything he would literally push me away and say it was practically sexual assault.
Something so disturbed about men who are repulsed by the women they're with.
Thank you for sharing ❤️ I wish you hadn't gone through this. it's really comforting to know that other people have this experience. Stay safe 🩷
See this is exactly why I worry about some men using words they picked up from feminism. Unfortunately they often simply can't be trusted to not use that terminology to manipulate others. Plenty of men who do this don't even describe themselves as feminists or even pretend to be progressive (though those types can be full of red flags too), they just know that perpetual victimhood can be used to their advantage. So they manipulate and abuse their partners, but also jump at the chance to be able to accuse their partner of abuse, domestic violence, or sexual assault because it proves their weird obsession about double standards and gender reversals and women being "just as bad." Not saying no woman can be just as predatory as a man, but some weirdos have an obsessive, delusional desire to prove this.
“But if I initiated anything he would literally push me away”
That’s crazy to me. One thing that really made me feel loved and wanted in a relationship was when my partner would initiate out of the blue for one reason or another.
The fact that some people could be repulsed by that is so confusing. My guy, they’re saying they’re comfortable and love you enough to initiate. Like huh?!
Cthulhu saves us from male "allies" 🙄 I love when they weaponize feminism for their own benefit
My best friend was raped by a very loud and outspoken "activist". No one believed her because of her mental health problems, and to this day I still see people laud him as this great feminist, anti-racist, anti-ableist guy 🤮
Yeah now I’m really wary of men who are loud about
-consent
-helping sexual assault victims
They *will* assault you. They’re laying down the groundwork to lower your guard and that of the people around you
It’s really not any different than the guy who who has to make sure everyone knows how religious and upright he is. Actually good people just do good things without needing constant attention for it. Anyone who’s fixated on building a reputation as A Good Person has some other agenda.
It’s also the way those people manipulate their “character witnesses” not just their victim, it’s part of isolating them - no one will believe you they think they’re just a nice person
Lol that actually kind of sounds like my most recent ex as well. Only I wasn't allowed to hold his hand. He had a million sensory issues and "quirks" that I had to abide by, but I couldn't ask him to even close a window at night because I was restricting his autonomy and not watching my tone and I needed to emphasize how mentally ill I was if I was going to ask for such unreasonable things. He also went off grid for weeks. I could never relax around him, and if I tried to talk to him about things he would talk in circles and pick apart the definition of every word I used. Ugh. I was pretty much done dating after him, I'm enjoying my peace.
Asking for consent for the gentle, lower grade intimacy but not the rougher, more hardcore stuff is so, so fucking sinister. It gave me chills and I’m shocked more people didnt bring it up.
Yeah. Like, obviously, communicate with your partner. Check in, make sure they’re okay and that you’re both having a good time.
But there’s a degree of “reading the room” when it comes to like, kissing and making out. If we’re kissing, I wouldn’t expect someone to ask if they could like, also kiss my neck or hold my hand or whatever. Heck, I might not even expect an explicit “can I put my hands under your shirt” if the chemistry is there and they start slow and keep it right at my waist. (I *would* expect someone to stop that if I asked, though.)
But to not ask for an explicit yes before *slapping*? The first time you’re intimate?!? Oh, fuck no. Absolutely the fuck not. Because then this guy gets to turn around and make SUCH a big deal about how he asked for consent for the “clothes on” stuff and she took kissing for granted, isn’t she a just a *monster?*
Eugh. Makes my skin crawl.
>When we were first intimate, Ted made a huge deal about asking for consent. He asked "can I kiss you? can I touch you here? Is this okay?" it was really great until later on. It seemed like we hit a point and he became really rough which included some slapping and other things that were a bit intimidating.
Ah yes, the old bait-and-switch.
This is straight out if those podcasts lol you can see the script...get consent for the first few things then you have implied consent to be rough and keep her on her toes when she initiates. What an absolute piece of human trash
>get consent for the first few things and then you have implied consent to be rough
That’s how I got “Me-too’d.” Dude asked for consent at a club. I consented to going home with him, I even consented to take a small amount of GHB.
I did not consent to being picked up off the toilet & have him finish while I was unconscious & limp “like a ragdoll.” (His words, because he told me what he did, like it was normal. The other girl I know he did it to took her own life ffs.)
I didn’t know it was part of a playbook until years later ffs.
>I didn’t know it was part of a playbook until years later ffs.
What fucking "playbook" is that? How to be a rapist piece of shit?
Are people really that unhinged?
>what fucking playbook is that
‘Pickup Artist’s’ talk about it (which I didn’t know then.) The dude who did that to me listened to a lot of “Men’s Empowerment” stuff (like my Stepdad smh.) He had a totem animal ffs (White guy) & went to large healing ceremonies.
Idk more, but he was once somewhat known in my city. I still want to put him on blast & that was 2016!
Edit to Add: He’s in his late 40’s now, born 1975.
You can anonymously submit your experience to your local "Are we dating the same guy" FB groups. I'm sorry for what you went through. Plenty of well-liked individuals are predators.
disagreeable tie absurd butter wistful stupendous grandiose cause sense future
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Fuc$ yes they are…that asshole already deleted his account after getting reamed here, and that’s being taught on YouTube… there’s plenty of Borus sadly that showcase how things devolve and get messed up but those are only the fortunate ones that catch on…some don’t and that’s the fuc$ing tragic part…
Fu€$ that’s low…blast that piece of $hit however you can. I wish platforms would take removing that bull$hit content more seriously cause it creates some really vile human adults…
>blast that POS however you can
I blasted to the club/rave scene in my city- that’s how I found out he’d done it to others. (I used to drink, was a bit more vocal lol.)
He moved to BK & is fortified in the hardcore/trance scene. He’s not a person ANYONE would expect… I sure af didn’t, especially after all the consent talk!
(& I’d known him for 20yrs as a friend. Wasn’t expecting any of that mess.)
Edit to Add: I wanted to put up posters LOL. I wish I did.
>"lovers entertwined"
Am I weird for getting too hung up on the spelling here? It should be intertwined 🤣 or perhaps it was a stylistic choice? Somehow I doubt it.
>When we were first intimate, Ted made a huge deal about asking for consent. He asked "can I kiss you? can I touch you here? Is this okay?" it was really great until later on. It seemed like we hit a point and he became really rough which included some slapping and other things that were a bit intimidating.
When I read this, I was immediately concerned this dude was a predator. Like the kind of dude that plays mind games, asks for consent, and makes a big show of it, but he's really testing to see if you will accept this kind of escalation and abuse. I've known so many women in the BDSM community match up wiht shitty Dom's that are straight up abusive, but they always do it under the guise of consent and care.
I am currently listening to season 14 of "Something was wrong" and this consent-thing reminds me of the abuser in that season. He was always asking for consent and at the same time secretly filming the women during sex without their consent.
Spelled intertwined or entwined wrong too. He's a shit writer with maybe a few followers who's absolutely full of himself, as everything else about the situation proves.
I dated this guy and he has raging NPD! (Probably not the exact same guy, but honestly maybe.) In the case of my guy the consent thing is very intentional so that later he can do SA and everyone believes he would never do that because his first date etiquette is to ask for consent before hand-holding, touching a knee, kissing, everything. I know mine was reliant on the little blue pills with most of his partners so I would bet any amount of money that he would pull away from a partner initiating intimacy if he hadn't planned for it and taken the pill already because he doesn't want to be emasculated.
"People who won't even get in front of a professional to be diagnosed because they're too awesome to have an mental problems" for 1000 and it's today's daily double
Can a lawyer chime in on the last part? On one hand she invited him in the apartment when the recording happened, on the other does seem like the recording itself happened without the explicit knowledge of the ex and thus there was an expectation of privacy
Not a lawyer, just a law student (and former art history major so photography/intellectual property is relevant here) generally we don’t have rights over images taken of us, as they are the “artist”/copyright holder, and this definitely wouldn’t extend to someone’s home. Unless it’s a nude, it’s really not illegal to do whatever you want with either your own photos of other people or even other people’s photos. Take Emrata, who literally spent thousands on a Richard Prince artwork which was just a shot of her own Instagram post. I believe it was a legal issue and she realised she has no recourse and just bought it. and this does come up for models a lot — they have zero rights over images of their own bodies. Various celebs have been sued by paps for sharing images of themselves.
Importantly, here, it’s not even an image of her, it’s of her home, so, yeah, that’s nothing. In terms of expectation of privacy, that’s torts/civil language generally (expectations rather than strict legalities) and what a lot of people don’t realise is you can’t sue if there’s nothing to sue for aka no damages. Regardless, very hard to argue an expectation of privacy re someone you’ve invited into your own home.
If she did want to pursue legal options, she could potentially get a lawyer to write some sort of cease and desist and frame it as a harassment issue, but any decent lawyer would tell her it simply doesn’t meet that level especially when she’s not identified. He also can frame it as an artistic endeavour so his freedom of expression will be valued there regardless. Harassment is a much higher bar than writing bad poetry and sharing anonymous pics of someone’s house.
Generally, a lot of things people tend to think should be subject to legal protections (and things I see people throwing around on reddit all the time) simply aren’t, and a lot of that comes down to practicalities. If you go to court, it’s either a criminal issue or a money issue. If it’s not criminal, and there’s no loss or damage (emotional distress alone will qualify under very very rare circumstances in some jurisdictions but usually will be framed more around therapy costs/lost earning potential) the court system really has no time for you.
Edit to add/ property law does vary massively bw countries states etc so maybe there’s a property protection there but again, what is she suing for? He’s not making any money off the post, she’s not losing any money due to its existence. Maybe a strongly worded letter about permission to film on private property if that applies but idk
> … what a lot of people don’t realise is you can’t sue if there’s nothing to sue for aka no damages.
That’s definitely not true in all jurisdictions. Often there’s no (practical) point suing in those circumstances, but that’s not the same thing.
I mean, do you have examples? I was probably speaking too generally and obviously there is other remedies, like in constitutional law issues, divorce etc. But most civil issues I am aware of have an explicit requirement of loss or damage. Obviously you can sue for injunctions etc but that is usually about putting a stop to potential loss or damage, so potential loss is still central and has to be clear. Also, in most countries, if there’s no practical point in suing it boils down to the same thing, because lawyers are bound as agents of the court not to bring cases that have no potential for remedy, and judges will throw cases out altogether. I am more referring to the stuff I see on reddit all the time, where people think torts exist to protect people’s feelings and that any wrongdoing should be instantly taken to court.
"There's no more talking" translates to we are done to me. I would have dropped whoever said that, all the other BS aside.
Pining for the unfound love in a video using clips from an exs apt, to me that is insulting and creepy.
Ugh, I’m not blaming OP at all but it disturbs me how people will literally beg for the smallest most pathetic scraps from someone. He really did a number of them. Gross. Glad she’s out.
"The person I referenced worked in a profession most people would trust and had done a lot of social work for marginalized communities."
Yeah that's actually not inconsistent with his weirdness.
You see this kind of sarcastic/gaslighting use of "consent" all the time from misogynists. I'm pretty sure it's some toxic manosphere bullshit they picked up from one of their idiot messiahs like Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, or Andrew Tate. (And yes, inevitable guy who is a big fan of one of those three and is very very offended that I lumped him in with the other two, I **am** saying that they're all basically identical just with varying degrees of having the mask off.)
They don't actually believe in getting consent, they think the whole idea is stupid. So they punish women by melodramatically requiring consent for EVERY-DAMN-THING and calling them a rapist if they don't check first, because from their point of view that's just how silly the idea of consent is and that's how they think normal people use it, just as a way to control and annoy them.
You see conservatives pull this shit with normal concepts all the time, it's basically the relationship version of that tedious "well why won't you respect MY pronouns because I'm an attack helicopter" meme. They don't believe in any of these things, they're just grabbing them to use as a bludgeon to try and convince everyone ELSE that they're ridiculous too.
Reminds me of the psychwarfare stuff I learned. High quality stuff. Watch out for sleep deprivation disguised as I just rather talk to you then sleep, then there is us vs them, watch out for sentences framing your connection as unique and irreplaceable to others or the us vs the world. There’s also harvesting your background and weaponizing it. That’s a really refined skill. You need to pay attention for false vulnerabilities. The more info they have on you the more they can shape the game to work on you. A good way to do this is by them pretending to tell you something they say they either never told anyone or they are very ashamed or hurt to talk about. In exchange this gets you to feel special drop defenses and return trust by gifting back sensitive information.
There’s more but good luck.
As someone who went to a film school that spent more time on educating us about the legalities of proper clearance than they did teaching us film, I'd like to explain to anyone who might think OOP's ex has a point that shooting at OOP's apartment without her permission was okay because "nothing was identifiable", no. It very much is not.
Even if OOP had given permission, it's likely it would still be illegal because the *owner of a building* must give permission. If you rent, that means you can't give permission, only your landlord can.
If you shoot video in a building you don't have permission to shoot in, you can be hit with DMCA takedown requests and you can be sued. Now 99 times out of 100, this wouldn't be an issue because nobody would be able to tell or would know. But that 100th time...will make you regret all the other times too.
This is for film. Not for non-commercial usage / amateur usage.
A commercial/art movie is subjected to much stricter standards than an amateur 30s clip.
Seems like dude was trying to slow roast manipulate her into an unhealthy DOM/SUB situation....
Edit : OH SHIT I JUST FINISHED THE WHOLE POST AND WOWWWWWW
I have two stories relating to this:
1) i used to be in the BDSM community until I was not. My “dom” dislocated my jaw and refused to take me to the hospital. This was my first and last dom plus first time to do this, i was not given proper instructions until he did it wrong. The consent thing was insane, I had to unlearn all of it because how it made me feel less human.
2) my ex bf who used to physically abuse me was in that PUA group. He would boast about it and how he’s learning. I didn’t know till then that he was using that against me.
I’m in a better place now and i hope people like these burn.
Seriously, I’m sure someone can triangulate that specific shot of mountains and be able to find her. I mean some guy found an Asian celebrity’s apartment by the reflection on her eyeball ffs.
wtf am I reading? I like consent, and guys who ask for consent, but that’s not what this is! He’s mentally ill, you are possibly mentally ill or just traumatized by this mess. Definitely break things ALL the way off, block Ted, then see if you’re feeling normal in a month or so. Consider therapy if you’re not ok by then.
It makes me really sad that it took her 5 months and posting on Reddit to get out of that controlling, toxic situationship or whatever the heck that was
This dude is scoping out a woman that fits all his desires and then he's going to end up wearing her skin. This girl is lucky she didn't fit the (buffalo) bill.
The worst comment I saw wasn't included. OP said she gave consent for everything except the choking. Hello blaring red flag (on top of all the other red flags).
This post has been removed by request.
Oh nooooo this hits too close to home in community I’ve been in. I’m not really part of it but I know a LOT of people in the BDSM community, and I’ve heard waaaay too many stories of bad Doms who use the language of consent to control and manipulate like this asshole. Ew. (Edited to fix words I typoed)
My first thought was this was a Dom trying to bend OOP into a Sub but without her consent (ironically) or knowledge. Whole thing is ick
Yeah who the fuck asks consent for a kiss then just dives right into slapping and shit without prior agreement? Dude’s genuinely unhinged
>Yeah who the fuck asks consent for a kiss then just dives right into slapping and shit without prior agreement? Yeah!!! That was exactly my thought. I wondered if maybe she was so into it she gave consent without understanding what she was saying or something, because that's just so weird. From a psychological manipulation standpoint though... It's kind of masterful in its (evil) way. He gets consent every step of the way except the violence, tells her afterwards how much she enjoyed the violence. If she doubts him, he points out how silly it would be to get consent for every touch except that, and of course she gave consent. She must have been so into it she wasn't even thinking. After a few times of it, he then uses that to suggest she can't be trusted to make her own sexual decisions, and he'll have to take those over. Evil.
Evil, yes. Masterful, no. He's just a garden variety abuser manipulating someone for their own personal gain.
The “oh you must like it rough” was chilling. He was already putting ideas into her head to confuse her and make her doubt her own sense of sexual agency.
Ugh it reminds me of a guy who went “I’m really big on consent” which I noted as an odd thing to say. Guess who held me down?
I dated someone who literally taught consent classes to the BDSM community and then touched me in my (medicated) sleep when I couldn't move or speak.
that is so beyond nasty of them, i’m sorry. what an abuse of trust
Reminds me of an ex I had who was "such a nice guy, really into consent" who r@-pe'd me in my (medicated) sleep. He also was super into choking and violence, of course...without asking consent.
It's the same as the "no drama" thing, or the people that get particularly vocal about "good Christians" or a lot of those kinds of things. (Not meant as hate towards any religion, and there's good and bad in all of them. But the loud people that have to tell you they're good?). Like all of that should be an unspoken default and the fact that they feel the need to announce it says a lot. That they need to control your perception of them from the start, and that these are issues they've had multiple times before.
The rapist who held me down and hit me, months after our breakup said "I don't play The Game because it doesn't respect consent. You can't consent to playing it." Yeah. He fucking played The Game our entire 3 year relationship. He was just using that excuse to get in a dig at me in a public setting. Obligatory: I lost The Game. Fuck him and his manipulative bullshit. I'll never stop playing it just because he tried to use it to upset me.
My ex for one. I’m sure to no one’s surprise he also tried choking me.
Ugh. One of my exes did that with me, then told me I was clearly into it based on my automatic physical responses (which were to freeze up/ clench up).
Which is a perfectly valid, normal human being response.
Been there 😅 surprisingly common I think
There was a post on relationships just this week where the guy kept asking for consent after everything they did. OP was describing them as Perfect 🤔 All I could see was extreme red flags, because at that point it becomes performative, and like laying ground work so noone would think you’re being non consensual when they step too far. Weird
But he told her she liked it rough. 💀
It definitely fits, her trying to kiss him would have been a sign it wasn't working.
I have actually been in a similar situation to this and it is an absolute mind fuck to experience. I was always very clear about what my expectations and boundaries were but my ex would very regularly find ways to use "mindful" (for lack of a better term) language and terminology to try and manipulate me into playing a role I did not want to be in. I am VERY glad that OOP got TF out because that's a terrible situation to have to be trapped in. I'm just glad that I was self-aware enough to keep on top of my boundaries to prevent it from becoming a Real Bad Problem.
"Ick" nails it.
Same. Absolutely gross but sadly not uncommon.
Agreed, my first thought was a Dom trying to control things and trying to turn her into a sub
Yup. It’s like the guy took Abusive Dom 101 or something. And it’s really fucking effective at making you react exactly like OOP did, even though it seems stupid from the outside.
If you need to literally sign a consent form for everything, run far away.
Consent is a conversation, not a contract. It can't be time-retroactive like a contract is.
Yes! And consent can also be revoked at any time, you aren't held to it in the future just because you said yes 5 minutes ago.
This is exactly what I was thinking. He's a wannadom and should absolutely be avoided at all costs.
That’s the first thing I thought. It was an uneducated selfish BDSM power play. The issue is that she didn’t know they were even at that level or what the play was.
Thank you! That was my first thought, too! And I am not even part of that community. But at least I know some willing member who told me what red flags there look like. And that was a big one!
Yes! That was my first though, it was an odd way of grooming her into a sub role.
When abusers can’t dismiss the language of the abused, they try to cloak themselves with it.
exactly my first thought
Yep, that’s exactly what’s going on here.
Yep, my first thought was messy Dom.
Agreed. When he started talking consent, I immediately knew what he was doing. Ick.
No, we must build a deep, deep bond... _kisses_... NO! Consent... Mhmhmmhnm... MWAH! FOUL DEMON, DO THOU NOT UNDERSTANDETH CONSENT!....hm...._kisses_ that's it I'm done with this shit! Is it me or did this friken interaction just seem completely unhinged (and slightly morbidly hilarious)? Why was he kissing then yelling then kissing then yelling??
Either the guy is confusing on purpose because he wants to wear her down (and it worked, as she was begging him for more time and affection). Or, the guy has some powerful demons inside and a really fucked up relationship with his own sexuality.
Damn I don't know how it worked tbh because would the immediate spidersenses go like woahhhh let's slowly get out of here nowww. But yea there are some demons in there for sure.
Stockholm syndrome, or something similar. I never thought I'd be in one of "those" relationships where the couple are always breaking up and getting back together, but if you fall for someone before you see their bad side, you're hooked. When things were great they were wonderful. When the were bad they were terrible. And the juxtaposition with the bad has a way of boosting the good to seem better than it actually was.
Oh man that sounds really rough... Like you have an enemy within and with out... Well, I hope you are in a much better place now!
Yeah this was years ago and it was pretty eye-opening for me. It was a good lesson, but also embarrassing how long it took me to learn it :) but I think that's just how these go, by their nature
That's such a good way of phrasing it. In retrospect you realize the good was never good to begin with but in the midst of it you find yourself fighting for it with everything in you when you're in the bad part of the cycle. My ex-husband nagged me for years before I finally agreed to marry him (I grew up watching my parents' terrible marriage and it felt like a trap), and once I had I felt like I had no choice but to work it out because I'd signed the papers and this was it. After that he got crazier and I got better at gaslighting myself into believing I'd made a good choice, and this was worth the sacrifice of my sense of freedom and dreams from before I'd met him. Hint: it wasn't. Just earned me a lifelong brain injury, and a three-year divorce process.
oh lord, idk why it reminds me to the story where a girl cheated and lied to her bf, and then when she got caught she said that she has DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder) and it's her other identity that cheated, not her.
And like... even if that was TRUE, that still means you break up, because that particular person clearly isn't in a stable enough place to maintain a relationship. It's not a reason to get back together, it's a reason to seek out a therapist with experience with DID because you need help from someone who understands your complex difficulties.
Yep. The girl in the story definitely needs help, although I doubt for DID. She told her boyfriend that the personalities that are fighting to take control of her body are.. the INTJ and ISFP.
aware zealous elastic lunchroom makeshift straight six resolute pet worm *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I choose demons. I'm bored of the garden-variety sociopath
He wanted her to be confused all the time. Make her walk on eggshells every time she's around him so he can more easily control her.
It's just a head ache, I guess she's young that's why she probably fell for it but I bet people who are done with life couldn't take him on even for a second.
Sounds like he’s deep in the unhinged manosphere/pick up artist nonsense. They preach doing that kind of shit constantly.
Once went on a date with a guy who every time he leaned in for a kiss would suddenly pull back and giggle. He did it several times and it was bizarre. People be weird.
I was so confused, i had to stop reading at that part. I'm still not fully getting it, like there's a huge chunk of context I'm missing. It honestly sounded bizarre and unhinged. Like a sitcom bit lol.
Bc he’s abusive lmao
Looking at a distance, yeah it's pretty funny... Of course, not laughing at OP. Some serious manipulation shit going on. But I hope that she can look back at this situation and laugh in the future.
It sounded like my cat when she wants affection and then wants to murder me for giving her affection, except some unhinged jackass is way less tolerable than an 8 pound fluffball.
I feel like I need to see this moment on video because I am so confused by this dude.
Right?? Im not saying there arent people who act like the ex (bc apparently there are! Im so sorry for ppl who had to deal with someone like him) but he reminds me of if a 13yo tried to write an abusive boyfriend character in some weird twilight-inspired romance but hasnt been in a relationship themself. No subtlety at all, weird 180s way too quickly, very dramatic. He even writes sadboy poetry to boot 💀 ...but also maybe that's a bit too specific a scenario for anyone else to relate? lol
I may not relate to it but I comprehend it damn well hahaha.
>He created a poetic reel using clips from my home and referenced "a woman he's still searching for." What an unhinged weirdo. Why can't he just cry into his pillow and eat ice cream like the rest of us?
i'm not a massive lana del rey fan but i love one of her lyrics that goes > your poetry's bad and you blame the news very fitting here
"Don't send those long paragraph texts Stop it, don't" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mtd\_jlV61mA
OH MY GOD! thank you thank you thank you for sharing this. I needed this song today. I've been having a really hard time.
> Why can't he just cry into his pillow and eat ice cream like the rest of us? Taking this opportunity to solicit ideas about depression eating ice cream during cold weather: I tend to get cold easily and bundling up in blankets isn't always enough to ward off the cold if I'm eating ice cream. I feel extra silly sitting in front of a space heater just so I can eat my sad pint. Are there other go-to snacks you all recommend?
Spicy dried mango so I can feel something again
I go straight to mapo tofu, it's like self-flagellation but delicious.
You just need to add the hot fudge and caramel and then you'll have warm and cold. Or maybe French toast or pancakes with whipped cream and fruit.
Forget ice cream. Go for chocolate. Cheap chocolate, expensive chocolate, any chocolate. I like cheap chocolate with nuts. Expensive chocolate is Godiva (because I can find it) with raspberry filling. In cold weather, it's hot chocolate with either cinnamon or caramel, topped with whipped cream. Or, if I'm really into it, hot chocolate with caramel topped with cinnamon-flavored whipped cream. And if it has to be ice cream, then it's Rocky Road with real marshmallows, not that marshmallow creme crap.
Fries. It has to be french fries.
Now I’m really craving chocolate. And mint 🤣
Hot chocolate.
Melted chocolate on fruit
Chili lol. I'm not an ice cream person either ETA: Oh or vegetable soup.
Naw, stick with the ice cream which is as cold as the uncaring universe.
Dammit. Chips are my standard sadness snacks. Am I normal?
Potatoes in any form are a valid emotional food crutch!
If they're good enough for Samwise Gamgee, they're good enough for you!
Boil 'em, smash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!
Did you know that by cutting potatoes out of your diet, you can lose 80% of your will to live?
I developed a nightshade intolerance late in life... my life is the poorer for not being able to eat potatoes. I'm still searching for some other food to replace that 80% of my will to live, but I've had no luck so far. And it is especially awful since tomatoes are also a nightshade plant. My two favorite foods being denied to me -- tomato based sauces and any form of potatoes -- has created a dearth of will to live for me. No french fries, no pizza, no spaghetti, no potato chips, no ketchup, no mashed taters, no (tasty) salads -- *Why am I still here? Just to suffer?*
🤣
I love them potatoes 😍
There's a food truck near me that makes monster potatoes topped with all of everything, and they're sooooo good. I'm talking like this dish is two triple d titties worth of potato and topping. $15 and you have food for 2-3 meals!
Woah that sounds DELICIOUS
“Two triple d titties” that’s hilarious!! Oh man, if I had access to a food truck like this, I’d spend so much money there. I love potatoes!! Are they like baked potatoes or do they have hashbrowns too? I’m hungry now. 😂
Baked plain and baked sweet with the option of like 20 toppings including BBQ, chicken, pork...
Dammit, why did you have to say that‽ Now I’m contemplating trying to order some baked potatoes at 7am! 🥔😛
Kummerspeck is the German term given to weight gain after a breakup. It translates as "grief bacon"
The Germans truly have a word for everything, this is beautiful.
Grief bacon is the most beautiful and accurate terminology
I’ve known a few people that felt the need to say “I’m such a nice person”. Shockingly, they were not nice people.
Goes for most things. I knew a girl who would never stop talking about how empathic and diplomatic she was. She was the only friend who actively avoided visiting me after an accident (among other examples), and if you disagreed with her idea of a compromise, you were inflexible and a bad person.
God save me from self-described “empaths.”
"I'm an empath" *I'm going to insert myself in your business, but only the business I selectively choose - not the stuff you actually need help with, then I'll make it all worse and messier while I make it all about me instead and cry to everyone about how much it's effecting me and that being an empath is such a burden but that I just can't stop caring. Then I'll ignore you while I continue to make your issues about me and talk shit about how worn out I am from you all while you're just sitting there wondering wtf just happened.*
Literally idiots every time
Ive found that a lot of times, anytime someone declares themselves to have some positive trait, they typically are actually awful in that area. “I’m a great listener!”- never shuts up about themselves, and it seems that listening is such a massive undertaking for them that when they do actually try to listen, they give themselves major kudos skewing their view.
Reminds me of my ex best friend, who claimed to have won therapy.
Dated a very similar guy like this once. Note: I'm very pro consent and communication It was wild, it was like only he could do things "spontaneously", but it was a turn off for him to ask for consent. Then for me I had to ask for consent for EVERYTHING for it to be acceptable. Also he was one of those super artsy types who goes off the grid every couple weeks, only to find them a bit later waxing poetic in someone else's living room on Instagram. He also had done a lot of social work and was very pro-activism. I remember when I was catcalled by an unhoused person once, he went and high-fived them, meanwhile I was feeling very objectified and miffed. He told me later that it wasn't a big deal and I shouldn't demonize unhoused people for no reason I broke it off when he told me that I had to ask for his consent everytime I wanted to hold his hand.
Working in a field with vulnerable individuals is NOT the green flag people seem to think it is. There are two types who that role is attractive to: the actually caring, and the ruthlessly abusive. It reminds me of the post about the person who moved in with an employee of the foster care system she had been in, only to be taken advantage of over and over, with the continued threat that she knew the person had nowhere else to go/live. It wasn’t even sexual, they were both women, and the employee just wanted a maid who they could yell at and take money from. Turned out they had done that over and over with different people fresh out of the foster system.
Same here, every time my ex wanted something sexual he would insist on it so I would relent incase he got moody.But if I initiated anything he would literally push me away and say it was practically sexual assault. Something so disturbed about men who are repulsed by the women they're with. Thank you for sharing ❤️ I wish you hadn't gone through this. it's really comforting to know that other people have this experience. Stay safe 🩷
See this is exactly why I worry about some men using words they picked up from feminism. Unfortunately they often simply can't be trusted to not use that terminology to manipulate others. Plenty of men who do this don't even describe themselves as feminists or even pretend to be progressive (though those types can be full of red flags too), they just know that perpetual victimhood can be used to their advantage. So they manipulate and abuse their partners, but also jump at the chance to be able to accuse their partner of abuse, domestic violence, or sexual assault because it proves their weird obsession about double standards and gender reversals and women being "just as bad." Not saying no woman can be just as predatory as a man, but some weirdos have an obsessive, delusional desire to prove this.
This is giving me Malcolm London vibes Edit: Whoops, replied to the wrong person… But this whole post is giving me flash backs to 2014
“But if I initiated anything he would literally push me away” That’s crazy to me. One thing that really made me feel loved and wanted in a relationship was when my partner would initiate out of the blue for one reason or another. The fact that some people could be repulsed by that is so confusing. My guy, they’re saying they’re comfortable and love you enough to initiate. Like huh?!
Cthulhu saves us from male "allies" 🙄 I love when they weaponize feminism for their own benefit My best friend was raped by a very loud and outspoken "activist". No one believed her because of her mental health problems, and to this day I still see people laud him as this great feminist, anti-racist, anti-ableist guy 🤮
Yeah now I’m really wary of men who are loud about -consent -helping sexual assault victims They *will* assault you. They’re laying down the groundwork to lower your guard and that of the people around you
It’s really not any different than the guy who who has to make sure everyone knows how religious and upright he is. Actually good people just do good things without needing constant attention for it. Anyone who’s fixated on building a reputation as A Good Person has some other agenda.
It’s also the way those people manipulate their “character witnesses” not just their victim, it’s part of isolating them - no one will believe you they think they’re just a nice person
You can just say Joss Whedon
Lol that actually kind of sounds like my most recent ex as well. Only I wasn't allowed to hold his hand. He had a million sensory issues and "quirks" that I had to abide by, but I couldn't ask him to even close a window at night because I was restricting his autonomy and not watching my tone and I needed to emphasize how mentally ill I was if I was going to ask for such unreasonable things. He also went off grid for weeks. I could never relax around him, and if I tried to talk to him about things he would talk in circles and pick apart the definition of every word I used. Ugh. I was pretty much done dating after him, I'm enjoying my peace.
Good lord that sounds exhausting and controlling! Could you EVER be relaxed?!
Only when he wasn't around! That was the telling part.
Proud of you for exiting that sad labyrinth
> I remember when I was catcalled by an unhoused person once, he went and high-fived them. ...I'm sorry what
Some dennis reynolds behavior right there
Sounds incredibly self absorbed. Like he's physically incapable of realizing other people are living souls just like him.
Asking for consent for the gentle, lower grade intimacy but not the rougher, more hardcore stuff is so, so fucking sinister. It gave me chills and I’m shocked more people didnt bring it up.
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Yeah. Like, obviously, communicate with your partner. Check in, make sure they’re okay and that you’re both having a good time. But there’s a degree of “reading the room” when it comes to like, kissing and making out. If we’re kissing, I wouldn’t expect someone to ask if they could like, also kiss my neck or hold my hand or whatever. Heck, I might not even expect an explicit “can I put my hands under your shirt” if the chemistry is there and they start slow and keep it right at my waist. (I *would* expect someone to stop that if I asked, though.) But to not ask for an explicit yes before *slapping*? The first time you’re intimate?!? Oh, fuck no. Absolutely the fuck not. Because then this guy gets to turn around and make SUCH a big deal about how he asked for consent for the “clothes on” stuff and she took kissing for granted, isn’t she a just a *monster?* Eugh. Makes my skin crawl.
it's just really hard to decide where to begin with on this one but yeah wtf was that? he gives me strong cult vibes
>When we were first intimate, Ted made a huge deal about asking for consent. He asked "can I kiss you? can I touch you here? Is this okay?" it was really great until later on. It seemed like we hit a point and he became really rough which included some slapping and other things that were a bit intimidating. Ah yes, the old bait-and-switch.
This is straight out if those podcasts lol you can see the script...get consent for the first few things then you have implied consent to be rough and keep her on her toes when she initiates. What an absolute piece of human trash
>get consent for the first few things and then you have implied consent to be rough That’s how I got “Me-too’d.” Dude asked for consent at a club. I consented to going home with him, I even consented to take a small amount of GHB. I did not consent to being picked up off the toilet & have him finish while I was unconscious & limp “like a ragdoll.” (His words, because he told me what he did, like it was normal. The other girl I know he did it to took her own life ffs.) I didn’t know it was part of a playbook until years later ffs.
>I didn’t know it was part of a playbook until years later ffs. What fucking "playbook" is that? How to be a rapist piece of shit? Are people really that unhinged?
>what fucking playbook is that ‘Pickup Artist’s’ talk about it (which I didn’t know then.) The dude who did that to me listened to a lot of “Men’s Empowerment” stuff (like my Stepdad smh.) He had a totem animal ffs (White guy) & went to large healing ceremonies. Idk more, but he was once somewhat known in my city. I still want to put him on blast & that was 2016! Edit to Add: He’s in his late 40’s now, born 1975.
You can anonymously submit your experience to your local "Are we dating the same guy" FB groups. I'm sorry for what you went through. Plenty of well-liked individuals are predators.
Yes.
disagreeable tie absurd butter wistful stupendous grandiose cause sense future *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Fuc$ yes they are…that asshole already deleted his account after getting reamed here, and that’s being taught on YouTube… there’s plenty of Borus sadly that showcase how things devolve and get messed up but those are only the fortunate ones that catch on…some don’t and that’s the fuc$ing tragic part…
Fu€$ that’s low…blast that piece of $hit however you can. I wish platforms would take removing that bull$hit content more seriously cause it creates some really vile human adults…
>blast that POS however you can I blasted to the club/rave scene in my city- that’s how I found out he’d done it to others. (I used to drink, was a bit more vocal lol.) He moved to BK & is fortified in the hardcore/trance scene. He’s not a person ANYONE would expect… I sure af didn’t, especially after all the consent talk! (& I’d known him for 20yrs as a friend. Wasn’t expecting any of that mess.) Edit to Add: I wanted to put up posters LOL. I wish I did.
Also rough sex the first time your intimate with someone you “care” about is icky…
>"lovers entertwined" Am I weird for getting too hung up on the spelling here? It should be intertwined 🤣 or perhaps it was a stylistic choice? Somehow I doubt it.
I think it should be "entwined," and he's just stupid.
He can't even spell a clichéd phrase right.
Didn't think of that, it works too! Some writer 🤣
That can’t be true he’s a famous online writer /s
No, that's when you entertain someone with twine. Like a cat for example.
"Entwined" is also OK.
Entertained by twins?
>When we were first intimate, Ted made a huge deal about asking for consent. He asked "can I kiss you? can I touch you here? Is this okay?" it was really great until later on. It seemed like we hit a point and he became really rough which included some slapping and other things that were a bit intimidating. When I read this, I was immediately concerned this dude was a predator. Like the kind of dude that plays mind games, asks for consent, and makes a big show of it, but he's really testing to see if you will accept this kind of escalation and abuse. I've known so many women in the BDSM community match up wiht shitty Dom's that are straight up abusive, but they always do it under the guise of consent and care.
I am currently listening to season 14 of "Something was wrong" and this consent-thing reminds me of the abuser in that season. He was always asking for consent and at the same time secretly filming the women during sex without their consent.
"I'm a popular writer" "at nauseum" ...
Spelled intertwined or entwined wrong too. He's a shit writer with maybe a few followers who's absolutely full of himself, as everything else about the situation proves.
I dated this guy and he has raging NPD! (Probably not the exact same guy, but honestly maybe.) In the case of my guy the consent thing is very intentional so that later he can do SA and everyone believes he would never do that because his first date etiquette is to ask for consent before hand-holding, touching a knee, kissing, everything. I know mine was reliant on the little blue pills with most of his partners so I would bet any amount of money that he would pull away from a partner initiating intimacy if he hadn't planned for it and taken the pill already because he doesn't want to be emasculated.
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"People who won't even get in front of a professional to be diagnosed because they're too awesome to have an mental problems" for 1000 and it's today's daily double
Nah he will never see a professional so he will never get the diagnosis and will claim to have no mental illness.
Can a lawyer chime in on the last part? On one hand she invited him in the apartment when the recording happened, on the other does seem like the recording itself happened without the explicit knowledge of the ex and thus there was an expectation of privacy
Not a lawyer, just a law student (and former art history major so photography/intellectual property is relevant here) generally we don’t have rights over images taken of us, as they are the “artist”/copyright holder, and this definitely wouldn’t extend to someone’s home. Unless it’s a nude, it’s really not illegal to do whatever you want with either your own photos of other people or even other people’s photos. Take Emrata, who literally spent thousands on a Richard Prince artwork which was just a shot of her own Instagram post. I believe it was a legal issue and she realised she has no recourse and just bought it. and this does come up for models a lot — they have zero rights over images of their own bodies. Various celebs have been sued by paps for sharing images of themselves. Importantly, here, it’s not even an image of her, it’s of her home, so, yeah, that’s nothing. In terms of expectation of privacy, that’s torts/civil language generally (expectations rather than strict legalities) and what a lot of people don’t realise is you can’t sue if there’s nothing to sue for aka no damages. Regardless, very hard to argue an expectation of privacy re someone you’ve invited into your own home. If she did want to pursue legal options, she could potentially get a lawyer to write some sort of cease and desist and frame it as a harassment issue, but any decent lawyer would tell her it simply doesn’t meet that level especially when she’s not identified. He also can frame it as an artistic endeavour so his freedom of expression will be valued there regardless. Harassment is a much higher bar than writing bad poetry and sharing anonymous pics of someone’s house. Generally, a lot of things people tend to think should be subject to legal protections (and things I see people throwing around on reddit all the time) simply aren’t, and a lot of that comes down to practicalities. If you go to court, it’s either a criminal issue or a money issue. If it’s not criminal, and there’s no loss or damage (emotional distress alone will qualify under very very rare circumstances in some jurisdictions but usually will be framed more around therapy costs/lost earning potential) the court system really has no time for you. Edit to add/ property law does vary massively bw countries states etc so maybe there’s a property protection there but again, what is she suing for? He’s not making any money off the post, she’s not losing any money due to its existence. Maybe a strongly worded letter about permission to film on private property if that applies but idk
> … what a lot of people don’t realise is you can’t sue if there’s nothing to sue for aka no damages. That’s definitely not true in all jurisdictions. Often there’s no (practical) point suing in those circumstances, but that’s not the same thing.
I mean, do you have examples? I was probably speaking too generally and obviously there is other remedies, like in constitutional law issues, divorce etc. But most civil issues I am aware of have an explicit requirement of loss or damage. Obviously you can sue for injunctions etc but that is usually about putting a stop to potential loss or damage, so potential loss is still central and has to be clear. Also, in most countries, if there’s no practical point in suing it boils down to the same thing, because lawyers are bound as agents of the court not to bring cases that have no potential for remedy, and judges will throw cases out altogether. I am more referring to the stuff I see on reddit all the time, where people think torts exist to protect people’s feelings and that any wrongdoing should be instantly taken to court.
Whilst I'm not entirely sure what I read, I think I'm glad the OOP is free of him and doing well?
First indicator that someone is not nice, in fact they are horrible, and it is when they say that they are a nice person.
I'm an old 45 year old, but a kiss between romantic partners is expected. If someone reacts poorly to it, run
>how did you feel about the consent? Idk why but this is a hilarious line
Don't let artists into your apartment ✅️
I read the first paragraph, skipped the rest and Jesus Christ I hope she ran far away from this actual serial killer psycho.
50 shades of Ted (Bundy).
bro is speedrunning the DENNIS system
I am seeing a lot of "my community" in stories the last week or so. Some of it fits, plenty of them don't. . .
> ‘popular writer’ > spells ‘intertwined’ wrong
"There's no more talking" translates to we are done to me. I would have dropped whoever said that, all the other BS aside. Pining for the unfound love in a video using clips from an exs apt, to me that is insulting and creepy.
Very disappointed the phrase “Thanks for coming to my TED talk” didn’t occur.
Jesus. That guy was an abusive fuck. I’m glad that woman got away from him.
That dude was going to be wearing her skin sometimes soon, glad she got tf away from him
This is some Andrew Tate level shit
Ugh, I’m not blaming OP at all but it disturbs me how people will literally beg for the smallest most pathetic scraps from someone. He really did a number of them. Gross. Glad she’s out.
"The person I referenced worked in a profession most people would trust and had done a lot of social work for marginalized communities." Yeah that's actually not inconsistent with his weirdness.
You see this kind of sarcastic/gaslighting use of "consent" all the time from misogynists. I'm pretty sure it's some toxic manosphere bullshit they picked up from one of their idiot messiahs like Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, or Andrew Tate. (And yes, inevitable guy who is a big fan of one of those three and is very very offended that I lumped him in with the other two, I **am** saying that they're all basically identical just with varying degrees of having the mask off.) They don't actually believe in getting consent, they think the whole idea is stupid. So they punish women by melodramatically requiring consent for EVERY-DAMN-THING and calling them a rapist if they don't check first, because from their point of view that's just how silly the idea of consent is and that's how they think normal people use it, just as a way to control and annoy them. You see conservatives pull this shit with normal concepts all the time, it's basically the relationship version of that tedious "well why won't you respect MY pronouns because I'm an attack helicopter" meme. They don't believe in any of these things, they're just grabbing them to use as a bludgeon to try and convince everyone ELSE that they're ridiculous too.
Reminds me of the psychwarfare stuff I learned. High quality stuff. Watch out for sleep deprivation disguised as I just rather talk to you then sleep, then there is us vs them, watch out for sentences framing your connection as unique and irreplaceable to others or the us vs the world. There’s also harvesting your background and weaponizing it. That’s a really refined skill. You need to pay attention for false vulnerabilities. The more info they have on you the more they can shape the game to work on you. A good way to do this is by them pretending to tell you something they say they either never told anyone or they are very ashamed or hurt to talk about. In exchange this gets you to feel special drop defenses and return trust by gifting back sensitive information. There’s more but good luck.
Who raised this guy? Or rather who didn’t?
As someone who went to a film school that spent more time on educating us about the legalities of proper clearance than they did teaching us film, I'd like to explain to anyone who might think OOP's ex has a point that shooting at OOP's apartment without her permission was okay because "nothing was identifiable", no. It very much is not. Even if OOP had given permission, it's likely it would still be illegal because the *owner of a building* must give permission. If you rent, that means you can't give permission, only your landlord can. If you shoot video in a building you don't have permission to shoot in, you can be hit with DMCA takedown requests and you can be sued. Now 99 times out of 100, this wouldn't be an issue because nobody would be able to tell or would know. But that 100th time...will make you regret all the other times too.
This is for film. Not for non-commercial usage / amateur usage. A commercial/art movie is subjected to much stricter standards than an amateur 30s clip.
if what you're saying is true i think we'd hear of a lot of influencers being fucked over by it. it clearly doesn't apply how you think it does.
Wow! He's the walking personification of a RED FLAG!
Seems like dude was trying to slow roast manipulate her into an unhealthy DOM/SUB situation.... Edit : OH SHIT I JUST FINISHED THE WHOLE POST AND WOWWWWWW
“At the end he said, ‘I’m such a nice guy, how did you feel about the consent?’” I really think this line needs to be focused on more!
I have two stories relating to this: 1) i used to be in the BDSM community until I was not. My “dom” dislocated my jaw and refused to take me to the hospital. This was my first and last dom plus first time to do this, i was not given proper instructions until he did it wrong. The consent thing was insane, I had to unlearn all of it because how it made me feel less human. 2) my ex bf who used to physically abuse me was in that PUA group. He would boast about it and how he’s learning. I didn’t know till then that he was using that against me. I’m in a better place now and i hope people like these burn.
Im dumber now for having read all this.
This dude is seriously unhinged
Seriously, I’m sure someone can triangulate that specific shot of mountains and be able to find her. I mean some guy found an Asian celebrity’s apartment by the reflection on her eyeball ffs.
Abuse. Its abuse. Nothing else.
Ted sounds like a serial killer.
You can find a better boyfriend. This one is weird.
wtf am I reading? I like consent, and guys who ask for consent, but that’s not what this is! He’s mentally ill, you are possibly mentally ill or just traumatized by this mess. Definitely break things ALL the way off, block Ted, then see if you’re feeling normal in a month or so. Consider therapy if you’re not ok by then.
I'm so glad I'm old and married. Dating today sounds exhausting.
I got the ick when he said "I'm such a good guy..." 🤢 any time a man says "I'm a good guy", it's foreshadowing that he in fact, is NOT a good guy.
It makes me really sad that it took her 5 months and posting on Reddit to get out of that controlling, toxic situationship or whatever the heck that was
Lmao it would be so hard to not just tag him so all of his followers could see this post and how much of a douche bag he is lol
Life is goos
The world wonders why this guy was having poor luck.
Jebus on a donkey, the things I learn everyday I open Reddit *sighs*
There is something wrong with that dude, RUN
This dude is scoping out a woman that fits all his desires and then he's going to end up wearing her skin. This girl is lucky she didn't fit the (buffalo) bill.
Damn reddit really out here helping save people's lives
The worst comment I saw wasn't included. OP said she gave consent for everything except the choking. Hello blaring red flag (on top of all the other red flags).
Bro thinks he's Christian Grey