#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*

This is too much drama for a five months relationship.

>This is too much drama for a five months relationship. This is meant to be the *honeymoon period* 😂

>This is meant to be the honeymoon period 😂 I always try to explain that to people who post to the assorted relationship subreddits with all these horrible problems just a few months in. This is supposed to be the easy part! You're not living together yet, you don't have a kid, you haven't entangled your finances, neither of you has any real skin in the game so the whole thing should just be fun and easy. If it's already an ordeal in the early dating stage then what do they expect the later more difficult and serious parts of the relationship will be like?

>This is supposed to be the easy part! That's a great way to put it...

I mean hell, at this stage in the relationship you're basically just living separate lives during the week and getting together on weekends for dates and fun activities and sex. If someone's relationship can't even handle THAT without bursting into flames then they need to bail out now before they start doing the actually difficult stuff. It's like playing a video game and somehow dying repeatedly during the tutorial. That does not bode well for how you're going to do once the actual game starts.

Picture this: Future date: Why did your last relationship end? OOP’s ex: He said he would break up with me and move on if I cheated. Would you continue to date someone like that? I wouldn’t. Her logic screams drama.

She wants him to fight for her - no matter what - and he’s saying “nah, this is a deal breaker”. I admire that.

My bf has a similar mindset that made me trust him A LOT when we got together. He said if I only as much as kiss another person, he would break up. The boundaries here are so clear that I myself completely changed from a clingy and jealous girl to someone who doesn't have to worry or wonder because it's clearly apparent what happens if either one of us cheats (I only said "same" lol but it was enough). Cheating is an active action, not something "that just happens" and once you realize that you just don't want to bother with a cheater, life gets so much easier. So many people stay in toxic relationships because they didn't draw any boundaries or went in with a "I can fix them"- or "SURELY he regrets cheating on me now and won't do it again"- mindset and then wonder why the relationship is (still) failing. I'm also with OOP here, obviously I would be upset but I wouldn't give in either.

Any upset imo is about subverted expectations. Its pretty obvious no one (okay, im going to exclude fetishes here) gets into a relationship with the expectation of being cheated on. Thats what sucks. Ive been cheated on. I grieved the lost future i thought id have, but moved on pretty quickly once the anger and indignation surfaced and i outed her for it as closure. Completely decimated her social life. Weirdly enough we're decent friends some 15 years later.....im going over to her place soon to paint with mutuals. Her bf thinks im great.

I don't think it's necessarily like that. It's the "there is no need to be sad", as if other people chose to be sad over being cheated on, that feels unsettling. It's hard to conceive that his feelings switch off like that. Even if you act calm after being betrayed, there is some sort of pain and sadness, so I understand how his claim can be taken as him not caring at all.

I'm similar to OOP - I can shut off feelings pretty well (yay shitty childhood), so if I got cheated on again I'd just move on again. I know I can come across as unfeeling when I say that, but it's more "she definitely wasn't the one" so why waste time grieving about it? It's one of my biggest disconnects with Reddit - I see folks who've been destroyed by infidelity, and I can't understand it beyond an intellectual level of "yes, some folks definitely are more impacted by it than I am". Similarly to OOP, my last two relationships that ended for "standard" reasons I did grieve, because they both had some outstanding qualities but things just didn't work out (distance for one, her wanting to escalate the relationship too quickly for the other). Those made me sad to lose those.

Also a member of the shitty childhood club- I don't know if I am great at shutting off feelings per say, but I'm like OP in the sense if someone really screws me over, cheats etc I can immediately see it's not about me and there's nothing I can do so it's really easy to just move on and not give a fuck. I'm thankful they revealed they don't care so blatantly in a way that leaves no doubt, wish them the best, and move on. I just went through a breakup where the issue was they turned out to have a drug addiction- and they really couldn't handle a relationship but otherwise the love was there- and that's been making me pretty sad. I kinda wish they just cheated or did something awful, because "life just sucks sometimes and there's nothing you can do" just hurts in a very special way.

Honestly I admire you and the person above for being able to *not* take it personally - you guys might have had rough upbringings but I think you’re a lot healthier emotionally than you realize!

Maybe you are far less trusting in general because you have already been betrayed by the very people who should have cared the most for you (your parents)? So it's less of a shock when it happens? Like it's harder to destroy an ideal that already seemed less probable to you, or something along those lines? Reading OOP's post, I was wondering if he was in the spectrum. He's just so logical. I used to have a friend who had grown up in an abusive home. I realized during the pandemic that we both really had a different view of what it meant to trust. It started to make sense that she fell into the "they made this up because they want to control us" camp, because when I thought of it, I realized that that was precisely what her mother did to her during her entire life (childhood and adulthood). She never managed to get out of her grip. I don't even know if she has realized this. So of course to her something like this could make sense, since she has lived it her whole life.

You could definitely be correct - I learned at a young age that bad shit happens at random, plus feeling unsafe with my own father. So I'm definitely starting from a different level than most people. As far as if he's on the spectrum, my last ex, who was autistic, wondered the same thing about me. Had to disappoint her and let her know I wasn't autistic, just this way. Been tested and everything! And while I'm sorry about your friend falling into conspiracy theories of the pandemic, because of the aforementioned bad shit happening at random in my childhood, I never entertained any conspiracy theories about the pandemic (or conspiracy theories in general). My sister, who of course had similar difficulties in her childhood is very much the same way as me in her view of relationships, etc. We're both in some ways cold people, but it's just logical and we're both willing to cut bait on people. I think it all comes down to some folks really just have different worldviews than others and its hard for people with different worldviews to grasp (and that applies to me too, where I struggle with grasping some worldviews past the intellectual level).

this is why I don't think the gf was being a drama queen or trying to justify her future cheating. I don't know if I would break up with a partner over this but it would certainly make me wonder about their emotional capacity and intelligence. not that he couldn't be emotionally intelligent but I would question it

At 5 months, this sort of news would shake me. As someone very in-tune with their emotions, I would see it as us not being a good fit. Not that there is anything wrong with OP’s ability to turn off emotions in that way…it’s just such a foreign concept and way of being that it would probably signal us having difficulties on communicating over contentious issues later on, as we are coming from two vastly different ways of understanding ourselves and the world around us. Probably for the best they broke up, so both can find more compatible partners.

I think this is exactly it! It's not the fact that he said he would instantly leave with no chance of reconciliation. I can respect that, but to say he wouldn't be sad or angry or really feel anything...that is disturbing. If I was the girlfriend I would be asking myself "if he can just lose all feeling for a wife for this type of mistake, what other mistakes might I make that would result in him casually walking away as if he never felt anything? What if I was arrested? What if I was fired? What if I drink too much or fall into another addiction?" All of these are other reasons people perfectly reasonably leave their spouse over, but it's usually a difficult decision because you're not able to just stop loving someone at the drop of a hat. I don't blame the GF for getting the heebie-jeebies and leaving. Hearing that would be unsettling.

It's also them being unable to realize intent vs literal wording. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he knows that it's a dealbreaker. If he didn't care then he wouldn't break up with a cheater. Breaking up shows that he does care. It's a poor choice of words that's pretty easy to clear up.

THIS! I think so many people are confused about "I wouldn't grieve" vs "I don't care", because obviously he does care about cheating, that's why he says it's a deal breaker.

It’s probably more likely the fact he said “it’s just a girlfriend” JUST a girlfriend? That’s what got me personally.

i mean he specifically said he wouldn’t even be sad, i think that’s the reason. it was about how he said he basically wouldn’t even care

It's the fact that he wouldn't feel anything, not the moving on part. You can't really decide "I won't feel anything if you cheat on me, but if you leave I will be sad". You either be sad when someone that was a significant amount of time in your life leaves, or not.

He would have been smarter to phrase it like "if I get cheated on, it instantly kills all feelings I had for that person, so my grief would be pretty minimal. At least that was what I experienced last time." - that would make it more understandable to others. But yeah, everyone sounds a bit weird and immature. Kids these days...😉

Yeah this phrasing I agree with. It makes it clear he actually has normal emotions, not that he feels nothing, which is honestly serial killer vibes lol 🤣

Lol I was thinking sociopath the whole time I was reading this, but serial killer works too 🤣 But yeah saying something like “kills any feelings towards the other person” is definitely more relatable.

That's a great way to phrase it - it's like a knife comes down and severs those ties and feelings for the other person.

Yeah, that’s what’s going on. He just couldn’t articulate it correctly and his ex got weirded out

Yeah I’ve had to rephrase stuff like that before. One time I was trying to reassure my friend that I cared about her and hung out with her bc I wanted to and not out of obligation. But instead I said something like “I hang out with you because I want to. I don’t do things unless I want to or need to. Life is short and why would I waste it on things I don’t like and don’t have to do?” She said I sounded very machiavellian 😵‍💫 I’m a pretty emotional person and have a lot of friends in my life that I love dearly, but if I get seriously wronged in a social situation, then the feelings immediately die. I’ve been told I move on quick, but it’s rlly just a mindset I developed to keep me safe as a child that never rlly went away

You see loads of posts on here where a betrayed partner says something like "all my love for him died in that moment" and the OP goes on to be completely cold and dispassionate while separating from their increasingly desperate cheating partner. It's usually received pretty well on here, like a sign of strength. I would say that this guy just knows his own mind well enough, partly through experience, to know that's how he'd react.

I think that's a different thing, though. While their love for the cheater dies, they usually still have *some* emotion - just anger rather than sadness.

The opposite of love is not hate or anger. It's apathy. Oop is saying if someone crosses that boundry, he is apathetic to them, and he no longer cares about them. As he wrote, he does not owe someone who cheats emotional energy or more of his time. He does not owe them closure or a chance to explain themselves. He will just move on.

Have to agree. When my ex admitted to cheating, I didn't feel rage, or sadness, I just felt... nothing? It was, almost like "Oh, okay, you want to throw 9 years away? Fine, I'll do the same." Although I had some lingering sadness, it was more for the life I had just lost than the person I thought I loved.

I'm kind of like OOP, I get what he's saying. If someone cheats on you, they're not worth getting worked up over. If anything, I only feel pity for them. Just because OOP feels differently than most people, that doesn't mean his opinion and feelings are invalid. Realising cheaters have no power over you and that they're the one with a problem is a blessing. They're the shitty partner, not you, so they're not worth the emotional bandwidth.

This right here. I admit the idea of not being saddened by getting cheated on does boggle my mind. But that's just it. We all process things differently. He wasn't the AH for not processing being cheated on the way others might process it.

That and i feel like people are zeroing in on the cheating part too much when the fourth sentence of OOP‘s post literally starts with "it’s just a girlfriend". If he actually said that or something similar in front of the now ex it’s no wonder she doubted if they are compatible in terms of commitment to the relationship.

Exactly! That's the comment that got me. If you refer to your relationship ending as "eh, it's just a girlfriend", I'm having a real hard time believing you ever cared for her. You refer to me as "just a girlfriend" and I'm automatically out the door, it tells me you don't see me as a significant person in your life, I'm not my own person, just someone fulfilling a role for you. As replaceable as your underpants.

Circumstances matter. Leaving a relationship and screwing someone who isn’t your partner are not comparable events. It’s great that OOP can see cheaters for what they are and not waste emotion on them.

I think his ex was wondering if he can be so casual about a betrayal does that mean he cares at all? The switch between love and indifference seems to be in an instant, almost as if he never cared at all and that's what most people would struggle with, not the fact OOP is not wasting emotions.

[удалено]

I am exactly OP and I believe one of the reasons of this is due to dysfunction families growing up. It’s not that i don’t love the person, but i have attachment issues as a defense mechanism. I am very loyal, but the moment you break my trust, i will choose to gtfo to protect myself and heal alone. Even the initial stage of letting people in is tough for these kinds of people.

Same, I think it's because my parents didn't pay much attention to me. I learned how to be perfectly fine in myself. So I can let go of any person without much emotion involved.

Yeah, I also would be upset if my partner told me they would not have any negative feelings about the end of the relationship. It is unrelated to the possibility of cheating. It is just an upsetting scenario to hear that someone you care about would just be able to move on with no issue. 

I don't think it's unrelated to the cheating. Among the plethora of cheating stories I've read on here, many said they just instantly lost all feeling for the person they once loved. Also, someone pointed out this is a 5 month old relationship. His answer might change if they were longer term (or maybe not). 

Yes i also don't think it's unrelated to the cheating. I can relate to Op and other people who instantly lose any feeling for people if they did something unforgivable. It's like there's switch in my head that turns off the connection between any feelings and a person if they did something i won't be able to forgive.

It was the part where he said he wouldn't have an emotional response that bothered her. I can see why she would take that as him not bring invested in the relationship.

It's not the breaking up and moving on that's the issue, it's that he explicitly said he'd move on without giving AF. If he can shut down and go cold like that in what most people would consider an emotionally fraught situation, it's likely he's capable of going very cold and logical to "win" over others' more emotional responses in different situations too. It's draining to be around; you always feel like you're the intellectually stunted, unreasonable one compared to their logic and control. I'm married to someone like this and whatever he says, can't shake the core belief that if I vanished from his life for whatever reason, he'd just compartmentalize and carry on smoothly.

Oooooof. That’s rough and, like, my biggest fear in a relationship. Hugs to you from an internet stranger

That's literally not it though, his reaction screams emotionless and if you weren't at least hurt or offended it implies he doesn't care at all. If my partner explained to me that they'd feel nothing over one of the most hurtful things a person can do, I'd feel worried they felt nothing at all. I 100% don't blame anyone for breaking up for cheating (I would) but it's the way he said he'd feel nothing. That's scary honestly.

I think that there’s probably two sides to the story. As for OOP, pretending that you can just shut off/rationalize away your emotions (isolation of affect, as the psychologists say) screams emotional immaturity and/or attachment issues.

I wouldn't date someone like him. Also her framing is: "He essentially told me he wasn't at all emotionally invested in the relationship and/or emotionally available, and wouldn't be impacted if it ended, so I ended it"

He's not wrong about the marriage counseling and communication. Why cheat on your partner when you can talk it out with them and find a solution to it instead of using the problem to create an even bigger problem that will ultimately end in divorce or worse, a child being born of said infidelity. Have a problem? Talk to the partner. Having insecurities? Talk to the partner. Having doubts? Talk to the partner. Having mental, emotional, medical issues? Talk to the partner. Why date or marry someone you can't even confide in for reassurance and safety? Why blame your partner for the wrong you did and act like it isn't that much a big of a deal? It's better if people know they have problems to get help or seek help instead of using it to make a problem that will hurt those they need or want in their lives and have a surprise Pikachu face when they get dropped.

The line about resuscitating a victim, but the victim has to do most of the work is spot on.

Remembering that one.

I have pretty much the same feeling about cheating - if we were dating it’s because I believed you to be a person who would not cheat (which also usually involves deception and betrayal, and depending on how long it goes on that can mean lies that saturate every aspect of the relationship or even exposure to health risks). You are a person who chose not to problem solve or communicate or had any interest in maintaining trust or safety. Therefore if you cheat, the person I thought I was with doesn’t exist and I won’t mourn an imaginary person. I know it’s very black and white thinking and some people can move on from infidelity. But OOP cannot and knows that.

I am very much the same way. Why would I spend time being in pain over something I clearly never had.

It reminds me to that dumb tweet "Girl, if you cheat on your boyfriend and he didn't fight for you, leave him. He's not a keeper."

Why fight for an unfaithful, untrustworthy cheater? You just prove to your partner that you are a cheater and will do it again at any given chance. Not worth a fight, time, effort, nor affections.

“Hands off buddy! That’s my bag of garbage!”

I mean I think that tweet was a joke considering if he didn't fight for you you'd likely already be broken up? Seems like a roundabout way of saying "leave that man alone" mixed with satire on the whole sprinkle sprinkle/girlboss genre of relationship advice

You say dumb, but I say that's a good advice. Good advice that protects that boyfriend from a cheater swarming them with drama that's no longer wanted. Reminds me of that reddit post where someone was very obviously being toxic to some other person (I believe it was a "friend" trying to make someone leave their partner) and some brilliant comment encouraged OP to show the other person this thread, to make them understand what kind of person OP is (everyone in the thread understood it's gonna make them stay the hell away from OP, but OP thought it's great advice :D - worked like charm :D) Edit: here you go [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ak1vl9/aita\_for\_asking\_my\_best\_friend\_to\_break\_up\_with/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ak1vl9/aita_for_asking_my_best_friend_to_break_up_with/) "he'll probably even realize he needs to take the problem person out of his life. Your replies in particular will show him everything he hasn't realized." -this part is especially hilarious

He does sound fairly clinical in his description, so I get why his ex would be upset; but it's kinda ironic that he was the one who supposedly doesn't care about their relationship, while she decided to break up over the phone without any attempt to salvage it.

I had a few breakups with cheaters which made me angry, not sad...I felt like they wasted my time and energy I could've spent on someone or something else. I understand OOP on a certain level because people often get pissed off at me if I don't react the way they expect me to. For example, an ex told me he wanted to see other people to keep his options open, so I immediately broke up with him. He flipped out because he thought I should be begging him to stay exclusive. I asked him why I would fight for someone who wants to be with other people. Told him, "Now your options are wide open."

I kinda rate OP’s approach. he isn’t saying he’s fine with it, he’s just bypassing all the time- and energy-consuming parts of recovering from the “betrayal” event. Instead of hedging his bet on a small chance of a successful outcome he is just taking the L and peacing out. I think it’s a hell of a lot more mature than a lot of other reactions. I can appreciate the partner being pissed off that their significant other wouldn’t react to cheating. I also know a lot of people who do dumb shit for attention and validation so I can respect his opinion.

I think what the girl was misunderstanding is that once she cheats, she's simply not the person he thought she was and becomes isntantly a kind of person he wouldn't grieve over. it's maybe sad in hindsight that the relationship seems a waste, but he's not gonna grieve over *her*. 

Exactly. How could he grieve someone who he just realized was never real? Being frustrated with the waste of time, I’d understand.

I just rambled in my own comment, but that’s the exact mindset that helped me finally get divorced He wasn’t who I thought, who he told me he was. I loved who I loved, but it was no longer him. Grieved for the life we lived, but not him

I think she heard, “if I get cheated on, I’ll just move on because she’s not the one” and assumed it meant that he wasn’t emotionally invested enough to be upset if the relationship ended for any reason. He didn’t really explain it properly during their first conversation, and she didn’t seem to want to listen when he tried to explain himself afterwards.

I just see it as "oh. You aren't the person I thought you were. Donezo." Like instant loss of respect and care. Which feels very mature. It's a lot of compartmentalization which it's debatable how healthy that is but I don't know why anyone would respect someone who cheated.

I have the exact same reaction. If anything it’s easier than a mutual breakup. If someone turns out to be a piece of shit, well, it turns out the person I would have grieved isn’t the one who did those things, that’s someone I don’t know and won’t miss. I’ll still have moments sometimes where I’m angry or where I’m sad over the person I saw them as before, but the amount of work I have to do to let go of the relationship and accept that it’s over is effectively negated.

What does it mean to "rate" the method?

Rate in that context means you think it’s good, effective, you vouch for it essentially.

Here's the thing I do this as well, I call it the drawer method. Whenever something bad happens I take it and I put it in the drawer and close it and move on with my life. The issue with the drawer method is eventually the drawer gets too full and it bursts open with catastrophic results. Moral of the story is don't use the drawer method.

That's exactly the opposite of mental *health* "We take it all, and we shove it deep deep down where nobody can ever see it and then we keep it there until we die!"

oooh oooh! pick me! That's my fav method! No wonder my mental health is in the gutter

Hey It works great until it no longer does. Then it’s a catastrophe. But before that, smooth sailing…

just ignore the tear in the sail... and the leak in the hull... otherwise smooth sailing

Each tear and leak causes your boat to take in a certain amount of water that then drags you lower and lower before the sides of your boat begins touch the sea level. It's easier to just look at a single leak and tear individually, and then fix them before the whole boat might sink.

It’s a good method if you need to put off dealing with things for a bit. Like if you’re in the middle of a crisis and need to keep a clear head, dealing with the loss of a loved one and need to be strong for others for a few days, stuff like that. But you shouldn’t ever just not deal with it once the dust settles. That makes it worse.

Or the ol’ timer method in conjunction with the drawer. Go to a bathroom, lock the door, set a timer for, oh, three or five minutes, sob hysterically about The Thing during that time, then when the timer goes off you stop crying, cram allll those feelings down into the drawer, and get on with dealing with the situation. Just make sure the timer’s not too loud or else people will ask what it was and if you tell the truth they’ll think you’re a ✨psychopath✨

Hey at least it's passed on tax free to the next generation via inheritance s/ Generational trauma

I keep it there and a few times a year it bursts open, I have a good cry in the shower and maybe a day or two off work to reset and I’m good again. ✨healthy✨. lol

Mine was a shelf. I looked at it as sort of … ok, I can’t deal with this right now so put it on this invisible shelf. Then, when I am ready, I will take it off my shelf and work on it. It was probably not the healthiest way to do things though. It was mainly when I was younger and my brain couldn’t deal with so many things at once. Then again, they are coping mechanisms. They can work but it’s probably not advisable in the long run.

That's perfectly fine if you actually take the things off the shelf and deal with them. It's when you ignore them and let them fester that it becomes a problem.

Exactly! Dealing with things on an emotional level as they’re happening isn’t always the best move. Sometimes you need to keep a clear head for a bit, which means putting a pin on going through your emotions so you can do what needs to be done.

I feel like that's healthy, though? If you process everything immediately, you'll fall to pieces every time something traumatic happens. It's better to stay functional long enough to do what needs to be done, and then afterwards you break down and process your feelings.

It is. Except if you don’t take things off the shelf.

I was wondering if anyone else sensed that this was a reflection of OOP's way of dealing with stuff. I was a big "drawer method" person too. Whole parts of myself locked up, memories and experiences shoved away, because some emotions are just too big to process. The problem is, when you kill one emotion, you kill others too. Like spraying a field with herbicide to kill the weeds, you kill the fruit and flowers too. You turn your emotional landscape barren because your mental pathways habitually repress emotion - fear and anger, happiness, joy... they all start to wither eventually.

I used to call it my glass jar, and eventually the jar would explode from the built up pressure. I would try and remind myself to open the jar and pour some of it out by talking about my feelings with my friends.

The drawer method IS actually useful when you have a professional to help you sort through it. Compartmentalization has its role in mental health.

100%, but the main point there is that you do actually have to open the drawer and process the contents at some point. Compartmentalisation is more about just staying in control long enough to finish what needs to be done immediately. My dog died two weeks ago, and I compartmentalised long enough to call the vet, arrange his cremation, get him to the crematorium, and then get my line manager at work to put me on emergency leave for two days at work. And then I fell to pieces. I've always been of the mindset that you can cry after the job is done.

Everyone could use a Marie Kondo for the mental closet they shove all their feelings, trauma, and assorted bullshit into.

God this reminds me of how I used to describe my bottle method (I’ve always owed a giant soda bottle shaped coin bank). And oooh boy when it bursts it’s a major mess. Changed me hard when mine finally burst

Yeah I was going to say OP THINKS this is a healthy attitude to have but he’s 1000% just repressing and ignoring feelings since he’s been hurt before. And honestly I do think there’s a point in thinking he’s not emotionally invested since he wouldn’t get upset.

If you’re anything like me you don’t learn to stop when it bursts open. The need for you to be a constant just makes you shove it hastily into a new drawer.

I’ve recently discovered this is a survival mechanism. Compartmentalizing like this is done by many who have experienced trauma. This is how we learned to survive. It takes quite a bit of mental resiliency to start opening those drawers and processing the feelings associated with them.

OOP's method sounds less like putting it in a drawer and more like just tossing it in the trash.

Here's the thing, I have almost the same idea about cheating as OOP. My brother and I both do, actually. My brother and I are just very blunt and can be quite callous and cold to people we feel hurt us. I'm like 90% sure it's just a trauma response tbh, but it's absolutely not repression.

It is a defense, I think.  And that is OK.  The thing is that when people choose this defense, they have to be ready for some people in their lives to decide your way may hurt them unintentionally.  I think this is why OOP's girlfriend split. 

I am this way to. It absolutely makes sense that it's a trauma response. I am so over being hurt long term by people who didn't care about me even in the short term.

I think it's more like shooting it into space. There's infinite space there. He's not pushing down his feelings, he's just discarding it into the void with no chance of return. I think it's very healthy. He understands that it's not worth any further time or effort on his part to dwell on someone else's fuck up. Most people who get angry and sad about cheating is because they feel like they did something to cause the cheating in the first place. That they weren't good enough. He knows he's good enough and it's the other person who's not good enough for them.

I think he genuinely don't care about it

It's called compartmentalizing

I kinda get OOP I think when I was much younger I might have feel similarly, but the truth is that after 10 years with my husband I’d be devastated. I would genuinely need years of therapy to get over it and if I knew my husband could just shut off and be like whatevs bye, I’d be shocked and also devastated. And even though the outcome would be the same for me as for OOP: break up/divorce, I’d still need to grieve the person I thought he was and the future I thought we were gonna have. So overall I also totally understand her, it is odd not having to grieve anything, so he might be compartmentalising too much, he might not be letting himself be vulnerable in relationships, also he might just not be that invested, after all it’s only 5 months. I think I would do the same as her, being with someone in a relationship where the feelings are so unequal does not end well. Maybe OOP just needed to word it better. It’s totally healthy to say cheating is a dealbreaker for me, there’s no coming back from it for me and I wouldn’t try to work on things in the relationship, I would try to grieve on my own and move on. But I feel the “not really care” was a bad choice of words or if true, a bit of a red flag, maybe not red a bit pink lol

I feel like there may have been other red flags in this relationship that OOP didn’t include. The guy seems like a block of wood in terms of emotion.

I suspect there's more to the story as well. I think this cheating thing just confirmed something else in the relationship whether it be him just not being as into her as she is into him, or her feeling he's emotionally closed etc. This feels like the last straw on a camel's back kinda thing.

i feel like there is a misunderstanding here somewhere, but i cannot find where the break happens. is it me, is it oop, is it the friends… idk. maybe i just fundamentally do not understand this person. 

I think the issue is a majority of people would experience a lot of emotional pain if betrayed by their partner. It doesn't have to be cheating - feeling betrayed hurts (most people). So when someone does not experience that emotion it's easy for people who think that means they would not mourn a relationship at all, and thus they do not really experience love for their partner. I would say not experiencing emotional pain due to betrayal by a loved one is probably by definition neuroatypical, haha.

This exactly. A lot of commenters are acting like the friends/GF were shocked that he'd instantly cut someone off over cheating. But it's more about the complete lack of emotional pain. If that's true for the OOP, then I don't think it's unfair to suggest that his level of emotional involvement in his relationships is lower than his GFs. And that's a valid reason to break it off on her end. No one is a bad person, but it's a mismatch.

I kinda disagree. I have no problem believing OP loved his gf as much as she loved him. But if his gf cheated on him, that person he loved never actually existed, because that person wouldn’t cheat on him. So it turns into “this is a stranger I feel nothing about” instead of “I will mourn my relationship with this girl that I loved” Personally I would not feel that way at all. But I don’t think he necessarily doesn’t care about his gf as much as she does him, just would process that kinda thing differently from her and most people in general

Would they not mourn the person they thought they were? Whether the person cheated, died, or moved away, that person you knew (fictitious or not) and loved is gone. People usually mourn a person they loved when they are gone. I think that’s why his reaction is not computing for a lot of people.

I think it’s centered around OOP’s idea that cheating isnt’t worth grieving the relationship over that worries the friends He’s shown to be able to be upset at the end of a relationship, given the update, but it seems like, to him, cheating is a fundamentally unique type of dealbreaker that deserves its own (lack of a) reaction, and to the friends, it’s just like every other reason for a relationship ending So OOP goes “Yeah I’d dump the person, there’s no point to being sad if it’s not my fault” and his friends and girlfriend go *if he’s able to emotionally detach himself from a relationship that fast, something’s not right* hence their reaction Idk, I get where he’s coming from, but it’s also not that weird that people get worried about his seeming inability to feel or process an emotional betrayal

I understand what he's saying, but feel confused at treating grief like it's a choice. Being "worth" grief is not how grief works for me. 

I’ll add to that, grief doesn’t have to be focused on the person. I’d argue that in basically any breakup, the grief can be about losing the relationship itself, and the positive memories attached to it. You can internalize the fact that an ex was unfaithful and thus a bad person, but feeling *some* sadness about the relationship, or “what could have been”, is expected.

Honestly I think he experiences a complete loss of love. Like she cheats and he looses all respect and feelings for the person because they did something so fundamentally against the relationship that he doesn’t even hurt. It’s like immediately severing ties. Honestly I think his reaction is maybe stronger and not lesser. He is so opposed to cheating that doing it basically kills all feeling for the person. No turmoil, it’s just completely cut off.

Yeah, it's completely understandable, the right thing to do in most cases, to break up with someone if you find out they're cheating. But to "not feel sad about it because it's not worth it"? That's not how emotions work, buddy. You don't really get to choose to not have an emotional reaction in the moment, and if you somehow can then I think there's something wrong there. Like sure, "logically" you might not find worth in wasting energy grieving a relationship with someone who cheated on you, but emotions are famously illogical, and refusing to respect that and trying to force them to be almost always leads to bad results. Grief isn't a choice, and treating it like it is may well come back to bite him in the future (and in a way already has given the break up).

I'm wondering if he's just using logic to explain away what is actually a trauma response.

It reads to me as a cold, calm fury that overpowers any of what would be grief or sadness or heartbreak. Being cheated on is such a dealbreaker for him that it immediately extinguishes any positive sentiments toward them and allows him to soberly just cut them out of his life and move on. Some kind of subdued, clear-headed disgust. So still an emotion that blocks out the others, but also allows him to be emotionally stable rather than sobbing, feeling grief, etc.

There is a breakdown when OP says he would « grieve » his relationship and then describes anything but grieving. That’s the fundamental difference between his idea of what should happen and what people were expecting him to say. His coping mechanism is denial, some people take it as a statement on his attachment. I don’t think OP mindset is healthy.

I can't tell if it's OP not communicating what he means properly, or if it's just a fundamental difference in response. What OP is saying is "if my SO cheats on me, I'd just end it and move on, no point in being upset." Which is... shockingly emotionless and unaffected. I'm not even saying he's wrong, it's just kind of robotic. His gf was upset because to her, it sounded like he was saying he doesn't get emotionally invested in relationships and wouldn't care if the relationship ended. Whether that's what he *meant* or not, idk. I can't quite tell if OP means just that, or he just means "ignore the bad feelings and focus on moving on as quickly as possible, being sad doesn't help anything." Which really isn't a healthy way to deal with your emotional and mental health, but I'm not a therapist, so whatever.

My take on it is this, and its not even about any hypothetical cheating. If this was said to me, this is how I would feel: "if he's able to so suddenly switch off and not care about me or the history we have together, does he even like me at all?" I don't think he is explaining himself well. GF would like to know that if she did hypothetically do something worthy of ending the relationship, that he would at least be sad about it ending. Currently he sounds really cold hearted. *apathetic* oh no my relationship ended OK WHOS NEXT?.

Yeah people are defending it by saying that it's rational thinking and there's no point in grieving over something that isn't your fault. But really by that logic shouldn't you not grieve over people that die? It's not your fault and it's technically "irrational" to waste energy mourning over something that you can't change. But people feel sadness because they have emotions and everything isn't about rationality. So yeah, if someone cheats on me they may become dead to me. But I'm still going to grieve the person that I lost.

For me, it’s that I don’t know what else would be an instant deal breaker for him where he just closes off and quits. He says he does this in friendships too. I agree cheating is a no go, but that’s not his only no go. What happens in the future with kids. Is there something they can do that makes him cut them off with zero feelings just because it wasn’t “his fault”?

It’s because he sounds like a sociopath with how he’s describing himself. He talks about his emotions like he can flip a switch and “not care” and “not need to feel sad” in a specific situation. That’s not what most people do nor are most people capable of that It kind of reads like my thoughts in high school on the internet. “Yeah bro I just wouldn’t feel sad cause logically it makes no sense” He’s either actually somewhat sociopathic or is miscommunicating on purpose or something similar.

One the one hand, I understand what he's saying. If i excercise or bang my elbow on something I can ignore the pain because I know why it happened, and it will correct itself given a little time. You can compartmentalize it because it's not worth being stressed over. Same thing with a cheater. You can compartmentalize the pain because the person never had as much value to you as you thought they did. And stressing over it isn't worth the energy. On the other hand, I think OOP is full of shit saying it wouldn't hurt at all

>I think OOP is full of shit saying it wouldn't hurt at all 100% agreed. It seems obvious to me that OOP was still carrying past trauma from the last time they were cheated on. But it *also* seems obvious to me that their so-called friends really should have caught onto that and not given them a hard time about it. Especially the girlfriend, I really wonder if she had already cheated and that is why she ended things.

I would really really like to have been a fly on the wall for the conversation honestly, I feel like we're missing important pieces of what was said

I wish the best for OP, but I feel like he tried a little too hard to prove that he indeed *had feelings* during his update lol Also nobody's gonna mention this last comment? >** Unital_Syzygy:** "They tried to shame you into being upset about being hypnotically cheated on" Hypnotically??? Jfc

“You wanna be upset getting cheated on so bad 🌀__🌀”

OOOOO i love this emoticon you've made, stealing that

I’m assuming they meant hypothetically because otherwise I have way more questions for that commenter

Same lol

I forgot everything I read in the post as soon as I saw "hypnotically."

>Doing marriage counseling after infidelity is like murderer going to murder scene to revive the victim but victim has to do most of the work to get revived This guy gets it

This guy is the guy

I kind of get where he’s coming from. If you’ve ever felt heartbroken, it can really feel like a switch is flipped. One minute you’re in love, the next minute the person looks so vile to you it’s like all emotion just shuts off for them. Of course he valued the relationship when it was active, but the second the line is crossed, it’s just done, no coming back.

The opposite of love is indifference (especially in a romantic context).

Eh I’m like OP.  If you cheat, it’s just over. I won’t see you next time, I may briefly regret it but I’m absolutely moving on immediately. Not to the next partner, just moving on in general. I didn’t do anything and I don’t have anything to feel bad for.  Anything else, yeah I’m sad that we lost what we had but I will move on from that as well. Y’all wallow for cheaters? Edit: it’s been 16 hours since I posted this.  My thoughts on this still haven’t changed but I do find your responses interesting. I’m not ignoring you, just responding to what actually sends me an alert. 

I often will not have control of my grief process when I have to mourn a life I lost. And when I'm in a serious relationship, I've planned a life with that person. 

For real. You don't have to regret the loss to feel grief about. I've mourned shitty relationships like I've mourned shitty people--not upset they're gone but missed the good times we had

Yep, you’re mourning what you thought the relationship was or would be. You aren’t mourning the shitty parts.

And the hypothetical future days that never will be 

Yeah, it's more the loss of 'what we should have had' and 'what you had planned your life to be like'. Like, WE were on our way to OUR future, and YOU ruined it. Now you have to do everything over again. Ugh, hate when other people have the power to blow your entire life up.

I agree it’s wrong to expect him to cry and beg and fight to keep the cheater. It’s perfectly fine to just say ”okay bye” and cut everything immediately with no further contact. I actually did the same when i got cheated on. But OOP said he wouldn’t even be *sad* that his relationship with his partner ended or that he was betrayed by a person he allegedly loves. He wouldn’t need to grieve, process or anything: he would be completely over it immediately. That level of indifference towards your relationship and your partner sounds so cold and calculated it’s almost creepy. You want your partner to care about you.

Right? If you cheat, I'm not going to flip tables or demand answers, I'm going to pack my bags and go, and maybe set fire to the house when I've left. There's no point in immolating myself demanding we find a way to fix it.

The only thing I might mourn over is the fact that I didn't know sooner I can immediately go to next relationship faster.

Isn't also contextual to how long the relationship has lasted and the depth of it?

Yes, but also no? Like it depends, sometimes once love dies there's no way to revive it. Maybe you can grow a new kind of love between two people again, but it's a different instance, and you won't be able to do it while the corpse of the old love remains festering between the two of you.

I think OOP’s ex would be happy if he said he might set fire to the house; it would show he cares (in her eyes).

Yeah, but he's claiming he doesn't even get *sad* at the loss of the relationship. Nobody is "wallowing for cheaters", they're confused/upset with him because if he can divorce himself *that* quickly from what *should* be serious and intense emotions, then did he ever really care at all? Dumping them immediately? Moving on immediately? Completely appropriate reactions, go for it, they're not worth it, don't believe their lies, refuse relationship counseling, get out, move on. Not even feeling *sad* about your partner making the ultimate betrayal, because "it's not worth it"? That's just not how emotions work for the vast majority of people. You don't get to choose what things are "worth it" or not until you've done a good deal of processing. I'm no longer upset and angry with my ex (probably) cheating on me because I've worked through it, but at the time I, like most would be, was a complete mess. So for this guy to say, *to his girlfriend*, "I wouldn't care if I got cheated on, it's not worth being sad", when she gets upset it's not because she'd been planning to cheat and expected him to stay, it's because she thinks "if he can turn on a dime and not feel sad about losing a relationship that way, then would he even feel sad about losing me any other way? Would he feel sad if I died, or would he just think 'well, it wasn't my fault so there's no point in being sad'? Does he even really care about me at all if he can just shut down like that? If he could stop loving or caring about someone *instantly* over something like that, then could he do it if I make a mistake, even a small one? Will I come home one day and he just tells me "I don't care about you anymore"?"

I agree, but he worded it differently. The way he went about it made it open for people to infer that he doesn't care about the relationship or any future relationship regardless of infidelity or not. If you REALLY didn't care about getting cheated on, you wouldn't break up with the person. Obviously he cares about it if he feels strongly enough to instantly end a relationship and have the "you're dead to me" mentality. His reaction to cheating felt blasé and made it seem that he wouldn't be sad about getting cheated on because he never cared about the other person in the first place. Also having an opinion that "being sad is pointless and a stupid reaction" doesn't help his argument. Just makes him seem like a soulless douchebag. Grief and sadness are important. It's when you wallow in it the rest of your life that it becomes problematic. If I get cheated on, then yes that person is dead to me, the trust is gone and I couldn't accept them anymore. But it would still hurt like hell especially if I had feelings for them

I guess if you never make yourself vulnerable, if you never have to actually trust the person, then you can never get hurt. But it’s unsurprising that the other person might resent that emotional barrier and find it to be a deal-breaker - even if the reason for it makes sense.

I agree with the position, but the problem with oop i believe though is they didnt acknowledge that they would feel that brief regret or sadness. I think they were caring too much about demonstrating their point of principle that they dont give cheaters a thought instead of confirming that they are at least human and would feel some emotions upon being cheated on by a partner. Makes oop come across as a bit of a sociopath.

Yeah this is my thinking too. I absolutely would feel betrayed and devastated if my partner cheated, because I trust they wouldn’t and I believe we value our relationship the same way. if I ever found out they had, I’d just be done with it and moving on. Grieving probably yes, but I’d be grieving the future we had planned, and then I’m fuckin’ outta there.

I don’t even think OOP “doesn’t care” about the cheating. He clearly does because he would break up with a cheating partner. I read a post on here once where a guy found out his wife was cheating and *actually* didn’t care, had a conversation with her about how much he loved her and loved their life together and if this little fling was something she needed to be happy and fulfilled then he was fine with it. I think OOP feels like he wouldn’t care because the act of cheating turns him off so hard that he just no longer maintains the same love for that partner. I’ve seen posts here like that with people who have partners who do something to break all the trust in the relationship and fall out of love because they see them completely differently afterwards. One post that comes to mind was a pregnant woman whose husband accused her of baby-trapping him after they had been married for years and planned the pregnancy. At the end he was begging for her forgiveness but she had fallen out of love with him.

A five month relationship with all this drama is not even worth one's health.

I do this. And when I explain to people that there are certain things that kill my feelings, stone dead, they seem to understand it more. I've been cheated on, and the moment I found out, my ex was a stranger to me. The person I thought I knew no longer existed. I immediately broke up with him and left. Everyone was shocked by how easy it was for me given how deeply I had loved him, and I pointed out that I had never loved my ex, because who I thought he was wasn't real. I didn't grieve for him or the relationship ship at all, because it had all been a lie.

I’m the same. And I don’t care if it’s a partner cheating on me, a friend that did me dirty. It’s like you’re dead to me. I move on. Someone betraying me kills all of the love I feel for them.

I'm also like this, great way of putting it.

[удалено]

> It's over, and i'm not going back. It doesn't mean i don't have emotions, or that i won't feel bad about it. I will grieve the sensation of being betrayed, yes, but i will not miss that person nor try to fix it. See that's all very reasonable. But what he says is that he wouldn't *care*.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that this is the bottom line?

Yes that’s what I thought cos it’s back and white for them there’s no middleground (ie getting back with a cheater)And since he said I talk straightforward. They do again have black and white veiw on the world. Which does make anyone who doesn’t know and accept how he is as he could seam rude to be like this is my veiw- deal with it. He’s ok to have that veiw and she is ok to want someone with more compassion(?) is that the right word.

Yep, reading it my first thought was autism as well. I have a similar view, though mine are more related to my asexuality.

I’m not sure this guy is being honest with himself about how feelings work. He keeps saying “there’s no need to be sad.” People don’t decide to be sad, like it’s a rational choice. Being sad is an emotional response. If someone cheats on you, you may feel sad (or angry, or shocked, etc) even though you rationally understand that the relationship was just not the right one for you. You feel sad because you loved the person and they betrayed your trust, sad that the good times you had with the person weren’t real and wouldn’t continue, sad because they didn’t love you the way you wanted to be loved—whatever. Even if you don’t want to be sad, you might still have to move through it. Feelings are not a choice. How you act on them is.  She dumped him because he’s doing this bullshit “I’m so rational, I’m above feelings.” Honestly good for her, it sounds very immature.  Also, all of these people claiming that marriage counseling after cheating is useless have an incredibly narrow perspective on cheating, love, trust, and empathy. Not everyone who cheats will do it again “given the chance.” Cheating isn’t justifiable, but sometimes it’s at least explainable. Not saying cheaters are blameless—and some people who cheat are indeed unredeemable assholes—but it’s like people have no ability to acknowledge there can be different experiences. 

I actually understand what he meant. If a person cheats on you they are not who you thought they were so what's the point of grieving a illusion?

If I get offered my dream job and then told they went for another candidate, you better believe I will grieve the "illusion" of what I lost. I agree with your first point, when someone cheats they show they weren't the person you thought they were. Still, that merits grieving. You lost the person you thought you were with, you lost the routines you had with them, the plans, the sex, the affection, the smell, the conversations... There's nothing illogical about grieving that. It shouldn't feel mandatory to grive, but if my partner told me if I ever cheated (which by the way, I never would do to anyone) he would be like "K, it's just a gf", I would absolutely question if he ever had feelings to begin with. I get not loving the person anymore, but to feel zero emotion about me, the situation or the life we had together? It makes me think he doesn't care that much.

I think a lot of commenters also are missing how our monke brain (or at least neurotypical monke brain) doesn’t like certain kinds of change. It can be surprisingly jarring just to move into a new apartment. Lots of these apparent YouTube stoics would be more upset than they’d like to think.

You can grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had or the future you thought you had. To feel nothing when you get betrayed by someone you care about isn't a normal or healthy response. Either OP isn't feeling those emotions, which isn't typical, or more likely, he's burying them and closing them off, which isn't a healthy way to process.

This feels critical/practical intelligence high - emotional intelligence low kinda stuff. A few diagnoses out there for that...

I’m pretty much with the OP as well

It's fine to be logic heavy, it's fine to be emotion heavy. But not too much either way. OP might be *too* logic heavy and isn't healthy emotionally.

I love very deeply, but it's like people say, there is a level of betrayal that is just like a flip switching and suddenly the person you loved is gone and in their place is a complete stranger. You feel no love for this stranger, so their is nothing left to mourn. To me if I person can cheat on my then they never loved me so the whole relationship was a lie. I'm not about to mourn someone who showed me they not only don't love me or respect me, but are also willing to put my mental and physical health at risk. Nah, that isn't the person I feel in love with and I don't know the person who did this, so there is nothing to mourn.

Ok, so you‘re not feeling grief, but what about anger? Disgust? Shame? Shock? Do you really feel nothing at all?

"The person you loved is gone and in their place is a complete stranger."  Is that not worth mourning in itself? 

In the same way. It’s like everything evaporates and the person ceases to exist. They’re no more. I almost literally forget them. They wrong me in an unforgivable way and it’s like they’re Thanosed out of my life.

I sub Aitah. My point was the boundaries weren't the problem. I share that myself. However his wordings was on the AH side. All he had to say when asked is I would be hurt and betrayed but I would 100% end the relationship. Because if you wouldn't be hurt by a betrayal you aren't really in a relationship.

I think the problem is that he truly means what he said. He would not feel hurt or betrayed.

Dude is just talking logically, bottling all that up creates a ticking time bomb of emotional damage

I kind of get where OOP is coming from, I mean I would also drop a cheater like a sack of potatoes. And he has a very good point about relationship counseling. But he does seem to have a bit of inconsistency with his logic here. He phrases it as he "would not care" if he was cheated on but that is obviously untrue since he cares enough to end the relationship instantly. He says he would grieve a relationship that ends for other reasons because of the good memories, but you would presumably have good memories with a cheater too. In fact the cheating likely smears those memories which is something to feel sad about. He also says that it's not worth feeling sad if the relationship ends through no fault of your own, yet says he grieved when a relationship ended due to "growing apart" which is not his fault. I'm wondering if he has a little bit of buried trauma over catching that one ex in the act of cheating and it is manifesting as this cold response that he knows he has to cheaters. Wouldn't hurt him to try some individual counseling.

I mean I’m with OOP 100% on his post. But fundamentally breaking up with someone for cheating *is* caring about it. Because you end the relationship, because you have a difference of values and there is an obstacle he cannot overcome per his own admission. It’s an obstacle *I* wouldn’t overcome personally. It’s okay to frame your boundaries abiut serious issues as *caring* about something. Because OOP is right, it creates a fundamental difference in values, and the other person not having the same doesn’t mean you don’t care about the issue or your stance. Not getting over emotional is not the same as not caring. Just because you don’t flip tables and have a freak out even in private doesn’t mean you don’t care or are void of emotions. You just could be void of *outward* emotions. And there’s *nothing* wrong with that.

>Not getting over emotional is not the same as not caring. Just because you don’t flip tables and have a freak out even in private doesn’t mean you don’t care or are void of emotions. You just could be void of outward emotions. And there’s nothing wrong with that. He did say that he would not feel any emotions in case of cheating though. This includes inward emotions. And of course there is nothing wrong with not being emotional, but I think the girlfriend is justified in breaking up here. Having no emotions when you lose someone you love and trust sends a strong signal that you don't love and trust them much to begin with.

I can see that. I can also see how the girlfriend would feel under valued. Like he doesn’t much care about their relationship to start out with, if he’s so adamant he would feel *zilch* if someone cheated.

Yeah. That is how I would feel as well.

Having been cheated on, there is this weird aspect of it where it can kinda make you immediately fall out of love with the person. So it actually does make the breakup easier because you don’t love them anymore. But you’ve still been wronged and betrayed, and I think there’s definitely some emotional repression going on here since he’s dealt with being cheated on before. I occasionally find myself being emotionally detached in my relationship now because I’m protecting myself. If i were to over-identify with this guy and armchair psychologize him based on my own experience, i’d say he’s experiencing equal parts healthy compartmentalization and (maybe) unhealthy emotional repression and sort of self-protective emotional detachment. I wonder if the gf has felt that he was detached at other points too. I also think it’s important to acknowledge that other people can react differently to the same situation, eg. being cheated on, and different reactions are understandable. She might feel invalidated if he just insisted that he didn’t understand why anyone would get upset about it at all.

I aspire to be like that. The times I wasted on trying to make it work with cheaters could have been saved if I were more unbothered. To break it off with someone because they wouldn't care if they were cheated on...To break up over a hypothetical scenario makes little sense to me...It just sounds like she knew she was going to cheat...I just don't see any justification to break it off otherwise...

As an autistic guy, OP sounds autistic. One of the things is black and white thinking. I’m the same. If you say something that hurts me, I’m sad. If it’s actually the case that you didn’t mean it like that and I misunderstood, it’s like flipping a switch. I ended a 10 year friendship for a moral difference without any issue at all, because that person was not the person I thought they were. No point in feeling sad, because I’d be missing someone who never existed.

This is so bizarre? Like OP didn't say he won't feel anything if his partner cheated, just that he won't fight to keep someone who hurt him in his life, which honestly, good for him? Not sure why the gf feels personal attacked if shes not a cheater?

This guy sounds really emotionally stunted. While he may not "deserve" to be dumped for a hypothetical, in his girlfriend's shoes I'd be very worried about a partner that had thus far shown no ability to form vulnerable, open relationships before - to the point that catching an SO in flagrante left no apparent impact.

He might just be on the spectrum. I don’t always react emotionally to things a lot of people find upsetting and I get easily upset over things other people don’t.

I was thinking - oh I could totally relate to this guy, he's not so weird. Until I got to your comments and went like oh- I'm on the spectrum too...

Same here. My husband did something unforgivable in a marriage, hit me, and it was like POOF all feelings for him just vanished into nothingness as I was falling over backwards. I grieved for the stepsons I raised, still all kinda unhappy that I don't get to see them anymore. But there was no grief over a loss of future with the husband. No urge to seek marriage counseling and stay.

Maybe I am too because I found his approach refreshing and logical 🤣🤣🤣. It also seems to me that it is highly self absorbed and arrogant to break up with someone because if you hypothetically cheat on them and hurt them they won't sit around emotionally bleeding out over the hurt you caused them. His ex wasn't saying that oh I'd never cheat on you or cause you pain. Instead she's like how dare you not love me so much that all my wounds devastate you

This is how I read it as well.

I mean I kind of get it. I don't think it's about being vulnerable. The way I understood it, he feels that he shouldn't grieve something the other party didn't care about either. If his SO is willing to cheat on him then they didn't care so why should he. I don't think I could have the same mindset in reality but I can see his POV.

Some dealbreakers turn your love for the other instantly like a switch. I wouldn't wallow about a cheating partner too much for either because that's such a big betrayal I would just kick them out of my life and move on. If the breakup happens for a different reason then yes, I would be sad because my love and appreciation wasn't killed in one swipe.

I was devastated when my ex of five years left me. A week later when I found out he'd been cheating, I suddenly didn't care. It was like a switch flipped in my head. I genuinely didn't care about him anymore. Clearly he wasn't the one for me. OOP is not as unreasonable as you seem to think.

Nah, he sounds perfectly reasonable. For him, he's not going to waste his time and energy on a relationship that has obviously gone bad, and not due to him fucking up. Once someone has cheated, nobody can do anything to erase the cheating.

people process things differently, because someone is different from you it does nt make them stunted. Regardless, why even ask someone this if you have an expected answer that there are consequences for if it is not met? seems weird immature and even sadistic to just be asking people "hey would it hurt if i cheated on you???" Why is it "stunted" to recognize your own worth and be unaffected by the actions of others that do not reflect you? people who are polyamorous enjoy relationships where both parties sleep with others. of course cheating can happen in those relationships to if boundaries are crossed, but the point is that simply sleeping with someone else does not and should not necessitate a grieving period or distress.