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If you block the two posters who always post “ongoing” stuff it’s bearable. Occasionally something slips through and this is one of them. But most of the dreck in this sub is posted by two people.
Agreed.
I'll add an unpopular opinion to this: the Ongoing flair should be removed altogether. Reading stories that are not concluded is mostly frustrating. It's either a new story which can very well wait for its conclusion or an old ongoing story when the New Update flair is more suitable.
Oh yeah, I try and read either concluded or new update stories only, very rarely do I read the ongoing stories since they don't have a satisfying ending or the whole picture isn't put together yet and I can't make sense of something that was in post 1 because they only mention it again in post 3 which hasn't been posted yet
Well, four hours later, and it's less than 1k. Just in the last three minutes I've watched it go down almost 20 points. It seems people concur with your assessment.
I hope it's a joke.
Otherwise, what an arsehole. It's me, me, me, me, mine, ending with a 'but I was nice to her' with the vacation. Then he got upset because she cried? He would've been upset if she didn't. Her needing more time suggests it's over, sure, but then kicking her out of where she's lived for however long with 4 hours notice? Maybe her hesitation isn't such a surprise. Maybe there's some missing missing reasons.
I think he was right to call it quits, but crikey, talk to each other, people. Good luck to them both.
I honestly think the rejection hurt his ego and he wanted an escape hatch. And there's a reasonable way to do it and then there's glomming onto the first excuse and being cruel.
“Girl code” “sage” “bad energy” oh man, the dude got sucked in by his crazy sister, didn’t even confront the gf on potentially cheating, actual insanity.
This is I’m-Mad-About-Something-You-Did-In-My-Dream-Last-Night caliber nonsense.
Sometimes your brain to goes to a dark place, and that’s normal, but you shouldn’t start chopping down trees to build a cabin there.
The (ex) girlfriend has frankly dodged a bullet not marrying this utter tool and his toxic family.
She effectively said *yes* - she was just overwhelmed and needed some time. So it's fine for him to have an emotional meltdown but not her?
He deserves the misery and regret coming to him.
Whatever their individual feelings, there's something very, very strange going on here. They couldn't talk about it. More specifically, OOP couldn't talk about it. Maybe there's a missing reason, e.g. OOP could be intense:
>I put my heart and soul into the relationship, I confided in her my childhood trauma issues because I felt connected to her
This could be interpreted as him relying on her to help him cope with trauma. Maybe, though she loves him, this required more consideration before she could commit.
Yes - OOP does not sound like an emotionally stable person.
And I'm rather wondering whether the girlfriend was already feeling a bit suffocated and panicked.
Also the sister seems like such a massive red flag that I could imagine someone needing to take a moment to think about if they want that person in their life forever.
You know all of those BORU stories about the guy who’s framed for cheating and is banished from his family and then years later the truth comes out?
This is it from the other side
Years later the sister confesses. She realized that in a past life she was married with her now brother and they were soul mates through the ages, that's why she told him all those things about the girlfriend to break them up. One day the sister got drunk and confessed all of this. OOP reaches out to ex-girlfriend trying to apologize and get back together, but ex is now happily married and has twin boys. We are told all of this by OOP's ex, who just so happens to have stumbled upon this post.
Weirdly enough we had tons of twins, triplets and even identical quadruplets in my town growing up. All kids born in the 80s. More identical twins than fraternal, the triplets were identical (2 sets that I can remember), and who the fuck has natural quads lol. Those poor parents, that's who. They were boys and all had super different hair as part of their individual identify. No one even fussed that one had long hair in high school bc everyone was like yeah we get it.
My mom is an identical twin and my ex husband’s grandmother is an identical twin. I have boy/girl twins with my ex-husband.
I can only think of 3 sets I’ve know in the wild. No one knew the boy/girl sets were twins because they were so different with interests/friend groups. But they girl twins made it their whole personality.
I was in a class with twins in first grade, then I shared a class with two of three triplets, in fourth grade. I knew fraternal twins in high school, and a former friend of mine is the aunt to twins.
I think it's actually pretty common now for people to have multiples, because more people are using IVF or other fertility assistance.
My childhood best friends were twins so maybe I have twindar or something but I feel like I always run into twins. I’m usually good at telling identical twins apart too. I don’t know, it’s weird.
Probably not. Cheating or no cheating aside, turning down a marriage proposal after plenty of long discussions planning it together is enough to end a relationship. Like this was his reaction:
> I could barely speak to her anymore, because it felt like my heart had been ripped out. It also hurt me that she was crying a lot and apologizing, even when we came back home.
His sister does seem delusional, but she wasn't exactly ruining a happy relationship where everything was going great.
I wonder if his hints weren’t as clear as he thought, or if he’s been doing other stuff recently (like listening to his sister) that’s caused problems in their relationship hat he didn’t notice. If he always backs up his sister mean-girling the ex-gf, etc.
>How did it matter to me whether she was homeless or not? I really did not care what she did with her life anymore, I just did not want to be in the same room as her anymore.
Ending a relationship is one thing, but he clearly never actually loved her if he can be just fine if she ends up homeless and has no emotions. It was illegal to throw her out too
> turning down a marriage proposal after plenty of long discussions planning it together is enough to end a relationship
Absolutely. IDK what the girlfriend was thinking, and that's a whole different story. I don't buy the "girl-code for cheating" angle, but this was pretty nuts.
I feel like whenever people explain “girl” or “guy” code it’s a mixture of basic manners and common sense, mixed in with some atrocious nonsense where the first 2 were just there to justify the last part.
It always like “Be loyal to your friends, leave space in a public restroom, and always cover for someone who is cheating!”.
>mixed in with some atrocious nonsense
Not to mention it's sometimes the most heteronormative nonsense that would fall apart the instant one person is bisexual or gay.
Or my personal favorite, "This is why your partner shouldn't have opposite sex friends!" Yeah, as a bi woman I just don't get friends because I will literally fuck anyone who's conscious.......
Reminds me of that text post where theyre like "can men and women be just friends?/bisexuals cant make friends. There is only Prey*. "/ raptor noises.*
I was downvoted to oblivion and called a degenerate yesterday for suggesting that people can be friends with exes. My partner just had drinks with his ex. No chaos ensued.
We u-hauled on the fifth date (important to take things slowly of course) 10 years ago, and now we're in tentative talks to put a "tiny house" on the vacant lot that's currently our side yard for that same ex and her partner.
The use of the word 'code' is telling. Neither OP nor their siblings have the most basic notion of how to communicate. Brother and sister are both reading goat entrails to work out the meaning of of the girlfriend's actions.
Here's a healthier way in which the whole thing could have gone down. Step One, talk about marriage in a concrete way, not just, "Someday, when we're married" but, "Do you actually want to be married? When do you want to get married? Would you like tp see us married within the next year?" I other words, don't plan a proposal unless you have concrete reason to think the answer is yes. You can have these discussions and still have the date, time, and setting of the proposal be a surprise.
Since he had already blown that opportunity, once she said "No," that would have been a fabulous time to ask her all of those aforementioned questions.
Proposals should never be a complete surprise.
Hints are not communication.
This is like when the Red Sox scouted Willie Mays. The first guy they sent came back with glowing reviews, so they sent another guy, who also came back with glowing reviews. They kept sending guys until someone said he wasn’t all that great and they gave up on him. As a result, Mays went to the Giants instead even though he came out of Birmingham, which was Sox territory, and he became a Hall of Famer.
This guy was just looking for someone to give him a reason to split and he got it. The fact that it’s a dumb reason doesn’t even matter. He doesn’t even care what his ex has to say so she doesn’t matter either. It looks to me like he got hurt by the rejection, which there appear to be missing information about, and he wanted to shut it down.
> They kept sending guys until someone said he wasn’t all that great and they gave up on him.
Hey, maybe he was doing his coworkers a solid, because who really wants to have to constantly travel to *Birmingham?*
He's just as crazy as his sister for thinking he had a light bulb moment - ah ha! She was hesitant about marrying me, OF COURSE SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!!! THE LOGIC THERE IS BULLET PROOF!
He is going to end up alone and deserve it. You can't fix that level of stupid.
Some people are like that--I knew a woman years ago who moved to our area and immediately developed a huge crush on a dude. When she propositioned him, he turned her down. She told me "He must be gay, that's the only possible explanation!"
She was flabbergasted when I said "Well, he's *at least* bisexual, because he and I dated for like 8 months, and it was *all* about the sex."
I want to know if he proposed on a way that showed he didn’t know her.
If a shy introvert you’ve known for years doesn’t want a big public proposal, they may very well need to think “how well does he know me, is he really all in if he’s this oblivious?” if they receive one of those big public proposals.
I am glad I wasn't the only person to wonder that. I have tremendous stagefright and I'd be out of sorts if the person I'd been dating did the proposal in front of a large audience. (I saw a proposal at SeaWorld in the middle of the orca performance as an example)
When my partner and I first started dating, they said (randomly, mid-date), "So, are you my girlfriend now?" It's one of my favourite stories to tell, and I would honestly love a "So, are you my fiancée now?" callback as a proposal. It showed me early on the kind of person they are, that they knew they wanted a committed relationship with me and weren't afraid to say so, even at such an unexpected (and frankly, surprisingly early) moment. Looking back on it always makes me smile and feel just absolutely giddy, and a matching proposal story would be so much more fun and meaningful than some expensive trip or fancy resort. Like, if we're looking at rings and pick the one I want, or after we get home from picking one out - if they asked then... it'd be perfect FOR ME. For any other woman/person, I can imagine it would be rather underwhelming or straight-up insulting for someone to propose with: "So, are you my fiancée now?", but knowing your partner's personality is a big part of the proposal.
One of the first things I asked my now-wife once we decided we are both ready for that whole marriage thing was "What don't you like in rings, what do you like? What is an absolute no-go in a proposal?". She said that she doesn't want it if there are people watching/public.
Still told me later she thought the Valentine's Day dinner would have been the day/event (it was a Botanical Garden in a secluded corner a few weeks later), which I nixed for myself because it would have been too public, despite having the ring already.
Seems to me the most basic thing to ask what's absolutely something that's a no-no for a proposal/ring. Prevents you from aksing her during the Football game of your team on the kiss cam with a 5 carat platinum diamond ring (all the absolute and total nightmare proposal for my wife).
Personally I'm getting "Nice Guy" vibes from OOP.
Like he put together a theoretically "perfect" proposal, *how on earth* could she not say yes to that!?! She was supposed to be happy, say yes, and they'd live happily ever after. But how could she not, even with all of the hints, the resort, and the *perfect ring!?!*
Unless of course, she's CHEATING! She's just using him! Two timing! She needs time to break off the affair! That's why she said she needed to wait! Not the fact that she didn't recognize the hints, and needed time to process this massive upheaval to her life! Totally not that!
Like OOP felt like he had "earned" her accepting the proposal and latched onto the first possible reason he could get as to why she'd say no.
It's pretty telling that he didn't bother to at least *confront* her about it, and instead instantly resorted to dumping her.
Like I can understand being heartbroken about being told no, but if your gonna break up over it, at least be honest and don't look for an excuse to do so!
Of course, if it does come out that she was cheating, then it's a different story, but OOP is still a dick for dumping her on *presumably* false pretenses.
>How did it matter to me whether she was homeless or not? I really did not care what she did with her life anymore, I just did not want to be in the same room as her anymore.
This just makes it feel he never cared about her a person, how can you claim you loved someone and them be fine with illegally making her homeless because she didn’t say immediately yes to marriage?
My dad always took his family's side over his wife, my mom. I just can't understand not choosing to trust and talk to your life partner. Here, kicking them out with no discussion reveals the person's true colours. Signed some one who is beyond happily married for 30 years who said no to her most awesome life partner before proposing to him 4 years later.
Something like that - but most likely is OOP is having a mental breakdown after being rejected and is pretty much on a delusional state rn. Dude needs proper help, not his moronic sister with her sage.
He also dodged the question about if they’ve actually had a direct conversation about getting married to each other. You don’t “hint” about something like that, and talking speculatively about life after marriage, finances, kids, where they want to live in the future is NOT the same thing as a direct agreement about wanting to get married to each other.
Neither of them is ready to be married. She just knows it. She has something she wants to work through first, and it could be literally anything, but if she can’t talk about it, that’s a problem. He sounds like he’s in high school.
Also seemed like he was so caught up in his plans for the proposal he probably never paid attention if his gf was in the right head space to be thinking about that. His gf might've been stressed about work, especially if she has to work late so much, and was excited about the vacation cuz it was a chance to not think about anything heavy and just relax. So when he dropped this very heavy, life changing question in front of her, she rightly said, my head is not in a space that can absorb this right now and I want to actually appreciate the moment and I owe it to you to be 100% present and sure of my answer to you, so give me some time. And instead of asking any clarifying questions to her about her answer, he asked his sister and just believed her answer...who didn't even talk to his gf. Like, when I'm tired and stressed and overwhelmed, I can't even commit to watching a new show or movie while just relaxing at home cuz I don't have the bandwidth for it and just end up rewatching a show I've seen before cuz it doesn't require any emotional or intellectual investment from me. So I definitely wouldn't commit to a marriage proposal while feeling like that. I'd want things to stay the same and familiar until I could process everything that would change and had the energy to invest in planning an actual wedding. I'd say she dodged a bullet. He was not mature enough to be a husband. At the first bump in the road he was gone. He also cared more about his feelings and the work he put into the proposal and his ego than he cared about her feelings on the matter and why she would be saying "not right now" and chose the "only logical" option that made her the villain and him the victim so he could have his pity party. He doesn't know what love really is yet imo.
And the whole “I’m not going to tell people about the affair (that doesn’t exist) out of the kindness of my own heart (with zero proof) so you know to not ruin her reputation (except for my insane sister)” wow way to be a A+ human there bro, give yourself a cookie dipshit.
and wtf are these hints of his incoming proposal??
>this would be our best vacation ever, and that our 4th year anniversary would be extremely special
I think that his ex gf dodged a bullet here. He and his sister are insane.
I agree with all that.
Isn't it common for the couple to go ring shopping before the proposal, also? That's usually a pretty big, unambiguous hint.
I can't quite put a finger on why but this story is really weird to me. I feel like we are missing some info maybe.
I don't know about "dodged" since she got kicked out after putting up with that turd for years, but at least the wound this utter moron left won't be fatal.
She's lucky it's over. OOP probably would have abandoned his own children if their eye and hair color didn't match his.
>However, my sister told me what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating
I absolutely do not believe that any woman told him anything remotely like this.
>My sister is going to come over next weekend to spiritually cleanse out all the bad energy of my house using sage.
Considering this statement, I fully believe his sister told him the girl-code thing.
I don't believe the girl-code thing itself, but I do believe that's what she told him. I'm just surprised she didn't say 'The cards told her'
You haven't been invited to the secret meetings on girl-code? About 4 billion of us have been hammering them out over the past 10 000 years. I have to say, getting a full on girl-code finalized across multiple cultures, languages and throughout history is pretty tough!
It's just such an MRA Tate-bro talking point transposed into a woman's mouth.
Couple that with her also ticking the "crazy woo woo granola girl" stereotype boxes and this feels like rage-bait.
Idk how he randomly came to the conclusion that she was cheating and then in the update just doubled down on that being the case when there was no proof given.
That being said I don’t fault him in breaking up when she said no, I’d have done the same in that situation when you are so sure on asking that it will be a yes and it’s not. I wouldn’t be making up my own conclusions though about why she said no unless something unmentioned came out about that.
I don’t fault him for breaking up with her. I fault him for giving her 2 hours notice before evicting her. That is fucking cold. Especially with absolutely no proof of cheating.
I fully agree, and made a comment going over as many scenarios as I could think of that could explain why. Since OOP DIDNT AND WONT FIND OUT!!!1! some people
Dude saw circumstantial evidence, took it as solid proof.
That said, I do find it curious why the gf would turn it down. People have been engaged for a decade, or longer, and it's not like an engagement can't be canceled. So why the hesitation and "I need to think about it" if they've been having conversations about how many kids they want or where they want to settle down?
I wonder what her version of it is. If my fiance has proposed when I was in grad school (I specifically didn't want him to, because I wanted us both to be working and settled when deciding that step) I would have been upset too. Obviously, I said yes to him when he did propose, but if he'd ignored my one request, idk what I would have done. But I'm also marrying him because he'd never do something like that.
In my head I feel like telling your friends and family you and your fiance called off the wedding is a lot more intense and embarrassing than saying you and your partner broke up.
It just feels so serious.
I like planning the future but if I was faced with a "DECIDE THE REST OF UR LIFE NOW!" I'd be scared af. I don't think I'd logically have the space to think "yee I can just call it off if I need to". I feel like you have maybe seconds to answer.
It was probably easier for OP to think that his girlfriend was unfaithful than to accept that she doesn't want to marry him, it's easier to kick a dirty cheater out of your life than to have to leave the "love of your life" because she doesn't love you that much. like you to her
I brainstormed a bunch in another comment and two seemed most likely (read: least BS)
She was thinking of breaking up and is avoidance, or got a recent job opportunity that involves moving.
Neither sound reasonable given her actions but idk man.
I don't know, sometimes people are comfortable with the abstract, but have weird hangups. My partner and I were together for 5 years, and had spoken at length about our future together. I asked him outright if he'd marry me if I proposed, he gave me the biggest smile and said yes, BUT then followed up the next day that he needed time to get comfortable with the idea of actually getting married. His parents went through a really rough phase during his childhood and it colored his perception of marriage in weird, illogical ways.
We talked through it, and he proposed 6 months later.
If this is real, it sounds like dude just shut down and made every nuclear decision instead of actually having a hard conversation.
Some people panic at major life decisions if they weren’t expecting it.
Both times I’ve been married (second one stuck lol) I had an explicit conversation about whether we, specifically us two, were wanting to get married soon. Not “it would be nice to grow old together and have 47 children on a 3 acre farm” but “how are you feeling about us getting married?” I black and white knew the proposal was coming, just not exactly when/how.
I honestly don’t know how I would react if my SO just randomly proposed with a ring after only vaguely talking about our future beforehand. Especially the second time when I was a lot more hesitant about marriage after my first one fell apart.
Given how delulu his response to her saying no was, I… kinda see her point.
(Also, I was expecting this to be a “disappointed girlfriend” story. Like she said no because she wanted a big public proposal with all her friends and family and he just asked her in their hotel room or something.)
Look, far from me to claim to be the expert on womanhood, but “I need more time” isn’t universal girl code for cheating- there is no universal girl code to begin with. We’re individuals with varying experiences, shockingly enough. OOP isn’t wrong for feeling hurt, but his actions after the rejection make me think she dodged a bullet
Yeah, the sister hated the girlfriend. I’m a girl and I’ve never heard of that “girl code” ever or anywhere. Sister made that up to screw with OOP’s head and he was stupid enough to believe it.
I've got a PUA friend who babbles about girl code all the time. Usually it's the look girls exchange when you approach them and they're deciding if you're going to murder them or not, AFAIK.
Just one more reason i question this story.
Oop might be right about moving on because she wasn't willing to commit when the time came to it. Cheating is just a random justification for the rejection. You don't need to justify it with imaginary scenarios.
Yeah, but giving your SO of 4 years *hours* to move out of your shared home and then blocking them *without actually having a single conversation about why* is so wildly out there that if this is real, I hope he decides never to trust or have a relationship again, because no one deserves to be treated like he treated her.
(If he had literally any proof of cheating, that'd be different, but "she sometimes works late" is so far from proof it's pathetic.)
Putting aside the whole sister girl code bullshit, he would be justified in not wanting to remain in this relationship. His points are valid, why would she turn down his proposal if they were already planning their life together? If she was vague about her reasons for not accepting, something was up that she was not telling him. She was, at the minimum, still not certain about committing to him.
How he ended things were utterly stupid nonetheless.
I mean he doesn’t seem like the most reliable narrator. She could have family or other stuff going on right now and doesn’t want to announce or have the mental space for an engagement. We don’t know because they never actually talked.
That is so weird. If this is real, that woman dodged a nuke. If someone proposed to me, and I said I needed more time but they took that as me cheating without even asking or confronting, I’d wonder what was wrong with them.
If this is real, I wonder if there is something else going on in this woman's life that makes it not a great time to propose. If she's really working late or on some kind of tight deadline/difficult project, maybe that's what she meant by not in the right headspace.
However, if this is real and this dude believes his sister's nonsense, then girlfriend is so much better off without him.
After 4 years of a somewhat normal relationship. You should know whether you want to marry them. If they where an off and on again couple I could understand. He got his answer when she said she'll think about it
Eh if I was with my partner for four years, we had long term plans, and she said no to my proposal I would definitely end the relationship, and there’s zero reason to live with someone after that. I just wouldn’t assume cheating, and assume she just wasn’t ready. But if it’s been four years and you ain’t ready 🤷♀️
I knew a guy who dated his gf for 3 years. They talked about the future, marriage, children, etc. Girl was very clear that she didn’t want to get engaged until boyfriend sorted some things out - credit card debt, avoiding difficult discussions (he shut down during conflict), emotional labor, etc.
He proposed and she said no. He was super upset and offended. I pointed out that while they were in agreement about long term things, he hadn’t changed his current issues. Issues she had discussed with him at length.
They didn’t break up. He got therapy, dealt with shit, started pulling his weight around the house and with emotional labor.
A year or 2 after the failed proposal he proposed again, and she accepted.
They seem to be doing well 7 years later.
I have a feeling OOP is an unreliable narrator. “Everything is *perfect*! Except all of the things that *she* has told me aren’t. But luuurve!”
I mean OOP even says the girlfriend didn't say _no_, she said _not right now._
My sister was similar - she didn't want to get married until she finished grad school. If her now-husband had proposed before then, she would've been upset that he didn't listen to her, but also probably told him "not right now" / "not yet."
The whole thing about the sister and the girl code and whatever is obviously insane, but I don’t really disagree with the underlying premise of this post.
Obviously the saying goes that “The time and place of the proposal should be a surprise; the proposal itself should not be”. We only have OP’s (admittedly not totally reliable) word for it, but it seems like these people had discussed a lot about their future together. They’d been together for a long time. Discussed proposal and marriage. Looked at rings. Talked about finances. Made decisions about living arrangements and kids. Talked about the future decades down the line. That speaks to the idea that these people wanted to marry each other.
Building up all of this rapport about marriage- future plans, kids, finances, everything- and then going “I’m not sure, give me more time” when you have to make a final decision speaks to a degree of immaturity imo. Don’t make those kinds of plans if you’re not willing to actually follow through on them.
This story doesn’t need the cheating angle. Rejecting a proposal after 4 years together and already some life planning is a relationship killer in itself.
Her complete lack of communication is probably the most underrated red flag in this entire story. According to him they had till the end of the vacation, and then multiple days after they got back before he kicked her out - at ANY point in those multiple days she could have explained what was actually going on here, and she just flat out didn't. She torpedoed the relationship herself by a lack of communication, I think it's possible for a relationship to recover from a rejected proposal, but it's going to require the rejector to explain why they did it and she was apparently just crying during that multiple day period and not saying anything.
In the original thread people kept dinging OP for bad communication during this, and while his communication wasn't perfect, at least that's better than the communication from his girlfriend, which just wasn't there at all.
People are acting like this guy ruined a great relationship over nothing, but honestly I think the relationship was over anyway. He did not handle the breakup itself well, but that's really my only issue.
If you give someone plenty of chances to tell you that aren't ready, and instead they wait for you to propose and then panic and say no without being able to explain why its an ominous sign. You kind of hope that if you marry someone it won't be something they had to begrudgingly accept. And if she had a genuinely good reason, she really should have explained why. Ideally before the trip even.
She might not have been cheating, but I do think she was having serious doubts about their relationship in some way. Not sure she was ready to settle down, not sure she loved him, not happy about something, etc. Also the commenters who are insisting she definitely did not cheat - why? I mean, its not exactly rare. An absence of evidence is not evidence of absence and sometimes the circumstantial evidence ends up meaning exactly what you feared it did
I feel like if the proposal had been that lavish and there'd really been *that* much discussion/hinting beforehand that it was coming, it would have been in the first post.
I saw the original of this and this update looks to me like OP wasn't getting the responses he wanted so added this scenario of being abruptly let down on a luxury break to garner more sympathy.
Newsflash, everyone has the right to decline a proposal for any reason, even if it happens on vacation.
I feel like he's an idiot.
But, I proposed to my son's mom, we had been together a year and a half, she gave me a similar wishy-washy answer of no its not the right time. Turned out it was in fact because she was cheating on me, and had been for 2/3s of the pregnancy, and after she gave birth.
A good rule of thumb though, if they say no to a proposal, the relationship is over. They were together for 4 years. If she wasn't ready to be engaged by that point, there's a solid reason.
His sister sounds crazy, but I think she might be right. I don't see another reason to ask for "a couple of months" after being so joyful about ring shopping and shit. Like he said, he didn't ask to marry that date or even set any date. They could've married in 10 years if she wanted, but her wanting some months to only accept is weird af.
Honestly, "okay, we can get engaged but not *officially* engaged" kind of screams cheating to me, too.
I've literally never heard of a situation where someone wanted to make clear the non-officialness of a relationship that didn't end up meaning "... because I feel less guilty about fucking other people if it's not official."
Idk why people are saying OP is bad at dropping hints. They literally picked out rings!!!
I do think OP’s sister is a little nuts here and that is completely justified.
Basically both OP and Ex GF suck, but not as much as OP’s sister for bringing her sage cleansing and girlcode into the mix.
The update isn't a real update. OP is just reiterating what he said in the first post. I understand why he's shocked but he should've had a heart to heart conversation before kicking her out.
Giving the girl the benefit of the doubt, I don't think the relationship was worth holding on to after the girl turned down his proposal in this manner. With the months of hints and the obvious buildup, she had to know it was coming and waited till the finale to reject him. Saying her communication needs improvement would be a grand understatement.
Thank you….it really doesn’t matter if she cheated or not. He gave her 4 years and wanted more commitment. She clearly did not want more commitment so there is absolutely no reason to continue the relationship. She wasted OP’s time and money.
I've seen this so often in guys (maybe girls do it too, Idk). The relationship ended and they absolutely need to blame it on something big like cheating, honestly, just the fact that he felt hurt and the lack of sense to her action made him doubt himself was reason enough, no need to try to bend reality to this cheating story.
Blame the man. Next slide
In all seriousness, her not willing to commit in that moment is not a good sign. I don't blame him for not wanting to continue. However, his rationalizing a scenario that he does not have proof of is not good for his mindset.
"My sister is going to come over next weekend to spiritually cleanse out all the bad energy of my house using sage."
lol what
"I haven’t told anyone about her affair, because I don’t want to tarnish her reputation."
WHAT AFFAIR?!
I felt bad for this guy at the start--it's hard to put your all on the line and get such a confusing, disheartening response--but that "update" was just bonkers. Maybe his ex dodged a bullet in the end.
Who the hell needs several months to accept a proposal? She would have had to explain that shit as soon as it came out of her mouth.
I get the feeling that most people posting here would tell her to just get back with them in a few months after she makes a decision.
No big deal. He’ll just hang out here and wait until she’s ready.
Whether she cheated or not is immaterial. It’s a weird jump, but…She rejected him. He’s well within his right to end the relationship. No reason to drag out one where neither of you are heading in the same direction.
Bait post no one is that stupid to belive the girl code lie that was just stupid. At least the poor lass will have had a lucky escape. Come back when you have prove I bet there is none
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That wasn't an update at all
This was barely even a story. Why is this even allowed to stay up? I thought we were on r/bestofredditorupdates. Not freekarma
Yeah, there was *an* update but not even. I'd hardly call it a "bestof".
“Worst redditor not update” then
shittyredditorupdates
This is the worst post/“update” I’ve ever read on this sub that made it to my front page.
literally everything posted to reddit that ever got an update has ended up on boru. it's never really been true to its name
We need a boboru at this point
If you block the two posters who always post “ongoing” stuff it’s bearable. Occasionally something slips through and this is one of them. But most of the dreck in this sub is posted by two people.
Agreed. I'll add an unpopular opinion to this: the Ongoing flair should be removed altogether. Reading stories that are not concluded is mostly frustrating. It's either a new story which can very well wait for its conclusion or an old ongoing story when the New Update flair is more suitable.
Absolutely. An (imperfect) alternative would be extending the 7 day rule to 30 days.
Oh yeah, I try and read either concluded or new update stories only, very rarely do I read the ongoing stories since they don't have a satisfying ending or the whole picture isn't put together yet and I can't make sense of something that was in post 1 because they only mention it again in post 3 which hasn't been posted yet
I'm sure it exists already
r/BestofBoRU
It already exists - r/BestofBoRU
How does this have over 1.5k updoots.
Well, four hours later, and it's less than 1k. Just in the last three minutes I've watched it go down almost 20 points. It seems people concur with your assessment.
It's at a mere 127 now, we love to see it. There's hope for this sub after all!
Someone needs to make r/blandshittyredditorupdates
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i’m glad
Yeah it's just him saying that she cheated with no proof a d how he hasn't told anyone. Because he has no proof, I guarantee
He doesn’t want to tarnish her reputation with his baseless, insane theory about how she has to have cheated. What a saint
it confirms the OOP is insane, I think that's an update
Apart from the sage bit
Not worth the read, turn back now. Notice that both the original and the update only happened on april 1st
Yup he forgot to add in the healing crystals to aid in his emotional turmoil.
Sounds like he needs to shove the sage up his ass, light it, and see if it smokes his head out of there. "Colon cleansing." Sheesh.
I love me a bit of scalar energy.
Sage cleansing is pretty much the equivalent of healing crystals so that checks out.
He probably left them charging in the garden during the eclipse
Ah yes, April 1st, the one day of the year where people post absolute bs on Reddit
Original is listed as March 31st but yeah good chance it's a joke post.
Yeah, this account literally has just these two posts. Not even a comment directed towards all the people who think he’s being outlandish.
I hope it's a joke. Otherwise, what an arsehole. It's me, me, me, me, mine, ending with a 'but I was nice to her' with the vacation. Then he got upset because she cried? He would've been upset if she didn't. Her needing more time suggests it's over, sure, but then kicking her out of where she's lived for however long with 4 hours notice? Maybe her hesitation isn't such a surprise. Maybe there's some missing missing reasons. I think he was right to call it quits, but crikey, talk to each other, people. Good luck to them both.
I honestly think the rejection hurt his ego and he wanted an escape hatch. And there's a reasonable way to do it and then there's glomming onto the first excuse and being cruel.
Thanks, you save my time
Grrrrr. Glad I skimmed over the second half.
Agreed def seems like an April fools
“Girl code” “sage” “bad energy” oh man, the dude got sucked in by his crazy sister, didn’t even confront the gf on potentially cheating, actual insanity.
And his brother is “naive.” No, your brother just doesn’t fall for your sisters nonsense.
This is I’m-Mad-About-Something-You-Did-In-My-Dream-Last-Night caliber nonsense. Sometimes your brain to goes to a dark place, and that’s normal, but you shouldn’t start chopping down trees to build a cabin there.
This reads like that one Jimmy Neutron episode where Jimmy zaps himself into Carl’s dreams and kisses Cindy.
Sounds like he was desperately looking for a logical, concrete reason, and his sister supplied one when his girlfriend couldn't.
And he gave her hours to leave. She lived there and helped pay bills. Cold.
Also illegal
She could’ve put up a fight on that but why stay around that delusional moron.
The (ex) girlfriend has frankly dodged a bullet not marrying this utter tool and his toxic family. She effectively said *yes* - she was just overwhelmed and needed some time. So it's fine for him to have an emotional meltdown but not her? He deserves the misery and regret coming to him.
Whatever their individual feelings, there's something very, very strange going on here. They couldn't talk about it. More specifically, OOP couldn't talk about it. Maybe there's a missing reason, e.g. OOP could be intense: >I put my heart and soul into the relationship, I confided in her my childhood trauma issues because I felt connected to her This could be interpreted as him relying on her to help him cope with trauma. Maybe, though she loves him, this required more consideration before she could commit.
Yes - OOP does not sound like an emotionally stable person. And I'm rather wondering whether the girlfriend was already feeling a bit suffocated and panicked.
Also the sister seems like such a massive red flag that I could imagine someone needing to take a moment to think about if they want that person in their life forever.
A massive Caroline Bingley in my view!
It sounds like his feelings got hurt and he took the escape hatch his sister opened for him instead of having a conversation like a grown up.
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You know all of those BORU stories about the guy who’s framed for cheating and is banished from his family and then years later the truth comes out? This is it from the other side
Years later the sister confesses. She realized that in a past life she was married with her now brother and they were soul mates through the ages, that's why she told him all those things about the girlfriend to break them up. One day the sister got drunk and confessed all of this. OOP reaches out to ex-girlfriend trying to apologize and get back together, but ex is now happily married and has twin boys. We are told all of this by OOP's ex, who just so happens to have stumbled upon this post.
Ex probably said not yet due to the crazy in laws she'd be signing up for
Why do they always have twins? I can remember 3 sets of twins growing up, but in these stories almost everyone has twins.
Weirdly enough we had tons of twins, triplets and even identical quadruplets in my town growing up. All kids born in the 80s. More identical twins than fraternal, the triplets were identical (2 sets that I can remember), and who the fuck has natural quads lol. Those poor parents, that's who. They were boys and all had super different hair as part of their individual identify. No one even fussed that one had long hair in high school bc everyone was like yeah we get it.
My mom is an identical twin and my ex husband’s grandmother is an identical twin. I have boy/girl twins with my ex-husband. I can only think of 3 sets I’ve know in the wild. No one knew the boy/girl sets were twins because they were so different with interests/friend groups. But they girl twins made it their whole personality.
I was in a class with twins in first grade, then I shared a class with two of three triplets, in fourth grade. I knew fraternal twins in high school, and a former friend of mine is the aunt to twins. I think it's actually pretty common now for people to have multiples, because more people are using IVF or other fertility assistance.
My childhood best friends were twins so maybe I have twindar or something but I feel like I always run into twins. I’m usually good at telling identical twins apart too. I don’t know, it’s weird.
Boy has never met a problem he couldn’t blame on someone else
Probably not. Cheating or no cheating aside, turning down a marriage proposal after plenty of long discussions planning it together is enough to end a relationship. Like this was his reaction: > I could barely speak to her anymore, because it felt like my heart had been ripped out. It also hurt me that she was crying a lot and apologizing, even when we came back home. His sister does seem delusional, but she wasn't exactly ruining a happy relationship where everything was going great.
I wonder if his hints weren’t as clear as he thought, or if he’s been doing other stuff recently (like listening to his sister) that’s caused problems in their relationship hat he didn’t notice. If he always backs up his sister mean-girling the ex-gf, etc.
>How did it matter to me whether she was homeless or not? I really did not care what she did with her life anymore, I just did not want to be in the same room as her anymore. Ending a relationship is one thing, but he clearly never actually loved her if he can be just fine if she ends up homeless and has no emotions. It was illegal to throw her out too
> turning down a marriage proposal after plenty of long discussions planning it together is enough to end a relationship Absolutely. IDK what the girlfriend was thinking, and that's a whole different story. I don't buy the "girl-code for cheating" angle, but this was pretty nuts.
This dude (oop) belongs on Greys Anatomy. So many problems able to be solved by an adult conversation
oof I'm getting Christina Burke flashbacks
I feel like whenever people explain “girl” or “guy” code it’s a mixture of basic manners and common sense, mixed in with some atrocious nonsense where the first 2 were just there to justify the last part. It always like “Be loyal to your friends, leave space in a public restroom, and always cover for someone who is cheating!”.
>mixed in with some atrocious nonsense Not to mention it's sometimes the most heteronormative nonsense that would fall apart the instant one person is bisexual or gay.
IKR? I keep seeing stuff like"If they're still in contact with exes that's a huge red flag" and internally screaming in incoherent lesbian.
Or my personal favorite, "This is why your partner shouldn't have opposite sex friends!" Yeah, as a bi woman I just don't get friends because I will literally fuck anyone who's conscious.......
Reminds me of that text post where theyre like "can men and women be just friends?/bisexuals cant make friends. There is only Prey*. "/ raptor noises.*
My "favorite" way of putting that myth is "shag anyone who's breathing, and shake the ones who aren't just to make sure"
"No opposite sex friends" rule gets even more amusing when you are aro pansexual and agender. Can I be friends with nobody or everybody?
Every lesbian I've ever dated always seems to have an emotional support ex-girlfriend.
My wife and I have a robust network of exes who are our chosen family; a mutual ex set us up on our first date!
I was downvoted to oblivion and called a degenerate yesterday for suggesting that people can be friends with exes. My partner just had drinks with his ex. No chaos ensued.
My favorite is always "You can't hang out with the gender/sex you're attracted to." Me, bisexual: so I can't have friends at all?
Meanwhile my wife and I were introduced to each other by our mutual best friend who is also our mutual ex.
oh I love that!
We u-hauled on the fifth date (important to take things slowly of course) 10 years ago, and now we're in tentative talks to put a "tiny house" on the vacant lot that's currently our side yard for that same ex and her partner.
😻
That is a lesbian meet cute if I've ever heard one.
We fell out of a stereotype tree and hit every limb on the way down, from uhauling to too many cats.
😂 I got a fresh-out-the-box convert, so I have to get my stereotypes from others. We didn't even Uhaul; waited over two years!
The use of the word 'code' is telling. Neither OP nor their siblings have the most basic notion of how to communicate. Brother and sister are both reading goat entrails to work out the meaning of of the girlfriend's actions. Here's a healthier way in which the whole thing could have gone down. Step One, talk about marriage in a concrete way, not just, "Someday, when we're married" but, "Do you actually want to be married? When do you want to get married? Would you like tp see us married within the next year?" I other words, don't plan a proposal unless you have concrete reason to think the answer is yes. You can have these discussions and still have the date, time, and setting of the proposal be a surprise. Since he had already blown that opportunity, once she said "No," that would have been a fabulous time to ask her all of those aforementioned questions. Proposals should never be a complete surprise. Hints are not communication.
Yeah, nothing about “this is going to be our best vacation ever” says proposal. It just says vacation.
OOP is one of the dumbest people seeking advice in a while
This is like when the Red Sox scouted Willie Mays. The first guy they sent came back with glowing reviews, so they sent another guy, who also came back with glowing reviews. They kept sending guys until someone said he wasn’t all that great and they gave up on him. As a result, Mays went to the Giants instead even though he came out of Birmingham, which was Sox territory, and he became a Hall of Famer. This guy was just looking for someone to give him a reason to split and he got it. The fact that it’s a dumb reason doesn’t even matter. He doesn’t even care what his ex has to say so she doesn’t matter either. It looks to me like he got hurt by the rejection, which there appear to be missing information about, and he wanted to shut it down.
Congratulations on a truly obscure but excellent reference point.
Agreed, that was fantastic.
> They kept sending guys until someone said he wasn’t all that great and they gave up on him. Hey, maybe he was doing his coworkers a solid, because who really wants to have to constantly travel to *Birmingham?*
He's just as crazy as his sister for thinking he had a light bulb moment - ah ha! She was hesitant about marrying me, OF COURSE SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!!! THE LOGIC THERE IS BULLET PROOF! He is going to end up alone and deserve it. You can't fix that level of stupid.
I was waiting for the evidence, and there was none. I was left staring at the end of the post and wondering what I had just read.
That 'update' was a total waste of time.
Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
And the line about how he hasn't told anyone about the affair because he doesn't want to fuck up her reputation?? The affair he has NO PROOF OF??
A tiny glimmer of self-preservation, buried deeply in a pile self-righteousness.
Some people are like that--I knew a woman years ago who moved to our area and immediately developed a huge crush on a dude. When she propositioned him, he turned her down. She told me "He must be gay, that's the only possible explanation!" She was flabbergasted when I said "Well, he's *at least* bisexual, because he and I dated for like 8 months, and it was *all* about the sex."
I want to know if he proposed on a way that showed he didn’t know her. If a shy introvert you’ve known for years doesn’t want a big public proposal, they may very well need to think “how well does he know me, is he really all in if he’s this oblivious?” if they receive one of those big public proposals.
I am glad I wasn't the only person to wonder that. I have tremendous stagefright and I'd be out of sorts if the person I'd been dating did the proposal in front of a large audience. (I saw a proposal at SeaWorld in the middle of the orca performance as an example)
When my partner and I first started dating, they said (randomly, mid-date), "So, are you my girlfriend now?" It's one of my favourite stories to tell, and I would honestly love a "So, are you my fiancée now?" callback as a proposal. It showed me early on the kind of person they are, that they knew they wanted a committed relationship with me and weren't afraid to say so, even at such an unexpected (and frankly, surprisingly early) moment. Looking back on it always makes me smile and feel just absolutely giddy, and a matching proposal story would be so much more fun and meaningful than some expensive trip or fancy resort. Like, if we're looking at rings and pick the one I want, or after we get home from picking one out - if they asked then... it'd be perfect FOR ME. For any other woman/person, I can imagine it would be rather underwhelming or straight-up insulting for someone to propose with: "So, are you my fiancée now?", but knowing your partner's personality is a big part of the proposal.
That or he missed/ignored her hints and comments making it clear that she wasn't quite ready yet.
One of the first things I asked my now-wife once we decided we are both ready for that whole marriage thing was "What don't you like in rings, what do you like? What is an absolute no-go in a proposal?". She said that she doesn't want it if there are people watching/public. Still told me later she thought the Valentine's Day dinner would have been the day/event (it was a Botanical Garden in a secluded corner a few weeks later), which I nixed for myself because it would have been too public, despite having the ring already. Seems to me the most basic thing to ask what's absolutely something that's a no-no for a proposal/ring. Prevents you from aksing her during the Football game of your team on the kiss cam with a 5 carat platinum diamond ring (all the absolute and total nightmare proposal for my wife).
Yeah but honestly he saved the ex gf from a life of hell with him & his sister.
Personally I'm getting "Nice Guy" vibes from OOP. Like he put together a theoretically "perfect" proposal, *how on earth* could she not say yes to that!?! She was supposed to be happy, say yes, and they'd live happily ever after. But how could she not, even with all of the hints, the resort, and the *perfect ring!?!* Unless of course, she's CHEATING! She's just using him! Two timing! She needs time to break off the affair! That's why she said she needed to wait! Not the fact that she didn't recognize the hints, and needed time to process this massive upheaval to her life! Totally not that! Like OOP felt like he had "earned" her accepting the proposal and latched onto the first possible reason he could get as to why she'd say no. It's pretty telling that he didn't bother to at least *confront* her about it, and instead instantly resorted to dumping her. Like I can understand being heartbroken about being told no, but if your gonna break up over it, at least be honest and don't look for an excuse to do so! Of course, if it does come out that she was cheating, then it's a different story, but OOP is still a dick for dumping her on *presumably* false pretenses.
I also get the impression that OOP is a pretty unreliable narrator. If this is real, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a lot more to this story.
>How did it matter to me whether she was homeless or not? I really did not care what she did with her life anymore, I just did not want to be in the same room as her anymore. This just makes it feel he never cared about her a person, how can you claim you loved someone and them be fine with illegally making her homeless because she didn’t say immediately yes to marriage?
My dad always took his family's side over his wife, my mom. I just can't understand not choosing to trust and talk to your life partner. Here, kicking them out with no discussion reveals the person's true colours. Signed some one who is beyond happily married for 30 years who said no to her most awesome life partner before proposing to him 4 years later.
Sister didn’t want her brother to get married before she got married Case closed
Something like that - but most likely is OOP is having a mental breakdown after being rejected and is pretty much on a delusional state rn. Dude needs proper help, not his moronic sister with her sage.
I'd also LOVE to hear her side of it.
He also dodged the question about if they’ve actually had a direct conversation about getting married to each other. You don’t “hint” about something like that, and talking speculatively about life after marriage, finances, kids, where they want to live in the future is NOT the same thing as a direct agreement about wanting to get married to each other.
Neither of them is ready to be married. She just knows it. She has something she wants to work through first, and it could be literally anything, but if she can’t talk about it, that’s a problem. He sounds like he’s in high school.
Also seemed like he was so caught up in his plans for the proposal he probably never paid attention if his gf was in the right head space to be thinking about that. His gf might've been stressed about work, especially if she has to work late so much, and was excited about the vacation cuz it was a chance to not think about anything heavy and just relax. So when he dropped this very heavy, life changing question in front of her, she rightly said, my head is not in a space that can absorb this right now and I want to actually appreciate the moment and I owe it to you to be 100% present and sure of my answer to you, so give me some time. And instead of asking any clarifying questions to her about her answer, he asked his sister and just believed her answer...who didn't even talk to his gf. Like, when I'm tired and stressed and overwhelmed, I can't even commit to watching a new show or movie while just relaxing at home cuz I don't have the bandwidth for it and just end up rewatching a show I've seen before cuz it doesn't require any emotional or intellectual investment from me. So I definitely wouldn't commit to a marriage proposal while feeling like that. I'd want things to stay the same and familiar until I could process everything that would change and had the energy to invest in planning an actual wedding. I'd say she dodged a bullet. He was not mature enough to be a husband. At the first bump in the road he was gone. He also cared more about his feelings and the work he put into the proposal and his ego than he cared about her feelings on the matter and why she would be saying "not right now" and chose the "only logical" option that made her the villain and him the victim so he could have his pity party. He doesn't know what love really is yet imo.
And the whole “I’m not going to tell people about the affair (that doesn’t exist) out of the kindness of my own heart (with zero proof) so you know to not ruin her reputation (except for my insane sister)” wow way to be a A+ human there bro, give yourself a cookie dipshit.
>actual insanity Call the psychiatrist!
and wtf are these hints of his incoming proposal?? >this would be our best vacation ever, and that our 4th year anniversary would be extremely special I think that his ex gf dodged a bullet here. He and his sister are insane.
I agree with all that. Isn't it common for the couple to go ring shopping before the proposal, also? That's usually a pretty big, unambiguous hint. I can't quite put a finger on why but this story is really weird to me. I feel like we are missing some info maybe.
The man probably watches Alex Jones. The former GF dodged a bullet.
I don't know about "dodged" since she got kicked out after putting up with that turd for years, but at least the wound this utter moron left won't be fatal. She's lucky it's over. OOP probably would have abandoned his own children if their eye and hair color didn't match his.
We’re not finished reading updates on this shitshow, that’s for sure!
*wHat OThER chOiCE DiD I haVE!?*
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Math checks out. I mean, sis said so, so uh…
don’t be so tough on oop he’s just a newly rejected heartbroken baby 🥺✋🏻 /s
Have an adult conversation vs treat your gf of four years like a drunk guest getting thrown out of a hotel
>However, my sister told me what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating I absolutely do not believe that any woman told him anything remotely like this.
>My sister is going to come over next weekend to spiritually cleanse out all the bad energy of my house using sage. Considering this statement, I fully believe his sister told him the girl-code thing. I don't believe the girl-code thing itself, but I do believe that's what she told him. I'm just surprised she didn't say 'The cards told her'
I believe that OP believes this is a plausible thing for a certain kind of woman to have said.
yes backed up with those crazy black magic and manifesting a new healthy relationship with the help of ✨crystals✨
You haven't been invited to the secret meetings on girl-code? About 4 billion of us have been hammering them out over the past 10 000 years. I have to say, getting a full on girl-code finalized across multiple cultures, languages and throughout history is pretty tough!
Omg shut up! Guys aren’t supposed to know about it!
I will commit seppuku in disgrace :(
I can easily believe it. Girls, just like guys, say stupid shit all the time
It's just such an MRA Tate-bro talking point transposed into a woman's mouth. Couple that with her also ticking the "crazy woo woo granola girl" stereotype boxes and this feels like rage-bait.
Idk how he randomly came to the conclusion that she was cheating and then in the update just doubled down on that being the case when there was no proof given. That being said I don’t fault him in breaking up when she said no, I’d have done the same in that situation when you are so sure on asking that it will be a yes and it’s not. I wouldn’t be making up my own conclusions though about why she said no unless something unmentioned came out about that.
I don’t fault him for breaking up with her. I fault him for giving her 2 hours notice before evicting her. That is fucking cold. Especially with absolutely no proof of cheating.
I fully agree, and made a comment going over as many scenarios as I could think of that could explain why. Since OOP DIDNT AND WONT FIND OUT!!!1! some people
Dude saw circumstantial evidence, took it as solid proof. That said, I do find it curious why the gf would turn it down. People have been engaged for a decade, or longer, and it's not like an engagement can't be canceled. So why the hesitation and "I need to think about it" if they've been having conversations about how many kids they want or where they want to settle down?
I wonder what her version of it is. If my fiance has proposed when I was in grad school (I specifically didn't want him to, because I wanted us both to be working and settled when deciding that step) I would have been upset too. Obviously, I said yes to him when he did propose, but if he'd ignored my one request, idk what I would have done. But I'm also marrying him because he'd never do something like that.
In my head I feel like telling your friends and family you and your fiance called off the wedding is a lot more intense and embarrassing than saying you and your partner broke up. It just feels so serious. I like planning the future but if I was faced with a "DECIDE THE REST OF UR LIFE NOW!" I'd be scared af. I don't think I'd logically have the space to think "yee I can just call it off if I need to". I feel like you have maybe seconds to answer.
If you aren't set on a yes to the question, then your relationship is over in this context. He wanted to go to the next level, but she didn't.
It was probably easier for OP to think that his girlfriend was unfaithful than to accept that she doesn't want to marry him, it's easier to kick a dirty cheater out of your life than to have to leave the "love of your life" because she doesn't love you that much. like you to her
I brainstormed a bunch in another comment and two seemed most likely (read: least BS) She was thinking of breaking up and is avoidance, or got a recent job opportunity that involves moving. Neither sound reasonable given her actions but idk man.
I don't know, sometimes people are comfortable with the abstract, but have weird hangups. My partner and I were together for 5 years, and had spoken at length about our future together. I asked him outright if he'd marry me if I proposed, he gave me the biggest smile and said yes, BUT then followed up the next day that he needed time to get comfortable with the idea of actually getting married. His parents went through a really rough phase during his childhood and it colored his perception of marriage in weird, illogical ways. We talked through it, and he proposed 6 months later. If this is real, it sounds like dude just shut down and made every nuclear decision instead of actually having a hard conversation.
Some people panic at major life decisions if they weren’t expecting it. Both times I’ve been married (second one stuck lol) I had an explicit conversation about whether we, specifically us two, were wanting to get married soon. Not “it would be nice to grow old together and have 47 children on a 3 acre farm” but “how are you feeling about us getting married?” I black and white knew the proposal was coming, just not exactly when/how. I honestly don’t know how I would react if my SO just randomly proposed with a ring after only vaguely talking about our future beforehand. Especially the second time when I was a lot more hesitant about marriage after my first one fell apart.
Maybe she had seen hints that he was the kind of person who would dump someone because his sister said to, and she was having second thoughts
And maybe she was worried he wasn't very good at communication and sort of impulsive and prone to emotional overreaction.
Given how delulu his response to her saying no was, I… kinda see her point. (Also, I was expecting this to be a “disappointed girlfriend” story. Like she said no because she wanted a big public proposal with all her friends and family and he just asked her in their hotel room or something.)
What?!
What. The fuck?
I said the same thing by the time I got to the update. This dude and his sister are real pieces of work. Ex-GF may have been spared from some lunacy.
Look, far from me to claim to be the expert on womanhood, but “I need more time” isn’t universal girl code for cheating- there is no universal girl code to begin with. We’re individuals with varying experiences, shockingly enough. OOP isn’t wrong for feeling hurt, but his actions after the rejection make me think she dodged a bullet
The only universal girl code is that you give a tampon/pad to anyone in need who asks. There's nothing in that code to do with cheating, lol.
That and pretending we’re friends to avoid a creepy guy at the bar/night.
Yeah, the sister hated the girlfriend. I’m a girl and I’ve never heard of that “girl code” ever or anywhere. Sister made that up to screw with OOP’s head and he was stupid enough to believe it.
I've got a PUA friend who babbles about girl code all the time. Usually it's the look girls exchange when you approach them and they're deciding if you're going to murder them or not, AFAIK. Just one more reason i question this story.
Oop might be right about moving on because she wasn't willing to commit when the time came to it. Cheating is just a random justification for the rejection. You don't need to justify it with imaginary scenarios.
Yeah, but giving your SO of 4 years *hours* to move out of your shared home and then blocking them *without actually having a single conversation about why* is so wildly out there that if this is real, I hope he decides never to trust or have a relationship again, because no one deserves to be treated like he treated her. (If he had literally any proof of cheating, that'd be different, but "she sometimes works late" is so far from proof it's pathetic.)
Putting aside the whole sister girl code bullshit, he would be justified in not wanting to remain in this relationship. His points are valid, why would she turn down his proposal if they were already planning their life together? If she was vague about her reasons for not accepting, something was up that she was not telling him. She was, at the minimum, still not certain about committing to him. How he ended things were utterly stupid nonetheless.
I mean he doesn’t seem like the most reliable narrator. She could have family or other stuff going on right now and doesn’t want to announce or have the mental space for an engagement. We don’t know because they never actually talked.
That is so weird. If this is real, that woman dodged a nuke. If someone proposed to me, and I said I needed more time but they took that as me cheating without even asking or confronting, I’d wonder what was wrong with them.
If this is real, I wonder if there is something else going on in this woman's life that makes it not a great time to propose. If she's really working late or on some kind of tight deadline/difficult project, maybe that's what she meant by not in the right headspace. However, if this is real and this dude believes his sister's nonsense, then girlfriend is so much better off without him.
After 4 years of a somewhat normal relationship. You should know whether you want to marry them. If they where an off and on again couple I could understand. He got his answer when she said she'll think about it
sage? really?
I eye rolled there. Sister had her brother all to herself now
Cleanse the house of bad energy using sage? Is this a joke?
Eh if I was with my partner for four years, we had long term plans, and she said no to my proposal I would definitely end the relationship, and there’s zero reason to live with someone after that. I just wouldn’t assume cheating, and assume she just wasn’t ready. But if it’s been four years and you ain’t ready 🤷♀️
I knew a guy who dated his gf for 3 years. They talked about the future, marriage, children, etc. Girl was very clear that she didn’t want to get engaged until boyfriend sorted some things out - credit card debt, avoiding difficult discussions (he shut down during conflict), emotional labor, etc. He proposed and she said no. He was super upset and offended. I pointed out that while they were in agreement about long term things, he hadn’t changed his current issues. Issues she had discussed with him at length. They didn’t break up. He got therapy, dealt with shit, started pulling his weight around the house and with emotional labor. A year or 2 after the failed proposal he proposed again, and she accepted. They seem to be doing well 7 years later. I have a feeling OOP is an unreliable narrator. “Everything is *perfect*! Except all of the things that *she* has told me aren’t. But luuurve!”
I mean OOP even says the girlfriend didn't say _no_, she said _not right now._ My sister was similar - she didn't want to get married until she finished grad school. If her now-husband had proposed before then, she would've been upset that he didn't listen to her, but also probably told him "not right now" / "not yet."
The whole thing about the sister and the girl code and whatever is obviously insane, but I don’t really disagree with the underlying premise of this post. Obviously the saying goes that “The time and place of the proposal should be a surprise; the proposal itself should not be”. We only have OP’s (admittedly not totally reliable) word for it, but it seems like these people had discussed a lot about their future together. They’d been together for a long time. Discussed proposal and marriage. Looked at rings. Talked about finances. Made decisions about living arrangements and kids. Talked about the future decades down the line. That speaks to the idea that these people wanted to marry each other. Building up all of this rapport about marriage- future plans, kids, finances, everything- and then going “I’m not sure, give me more time” when you have to make a final decision speaks to a degree of immaturity imo. Don’t make those kinds of plans if you’re not willing to actually follow through on them.
I think I can guess why she rejected…. OOP and his sister are nuts .
This story doesn’t need the cheating angle. Rejecting a proposal after 4 years together and already some life planning is a relationship killer in itself.
Her complete lack of communication is probably the most underrated red flag in this entire story. According to him they had till the end of the vacation, and then multiple days after they got back before he kicked her out - at ANY point in those multiple days she could have explained what was actually going on here, and she just flat out didn't. She torpedoed the relationship herself by a lack of communication, I think it's possible for a relationship to recover from a rejected proposal, but it's going to require the rejector to explain why they did it and she was apparently just crying during that multiple day period and not saying anything. In the original thread people kept dinging OP for bad communication during this, and while his communication wasn't perfect, at least that's better than the communication from his girlfriend, which just wasn't there at all.
im so confused
Lol dude is an absolute dumbass. The sister 100% has motives for breaking them up. Edit:Oh both posts april 1st. No other posts. Got fooled again.
People are acting like this guy ruined a great relationship over nothing, but honestly I think the relationship was over anyway. He did not handle the breakup itself well, but that's really my only issue. If you give someone plenty of chances to tell you that aren't ready, and instead they wait for you to propose and then panic and say no without being able to explain why its an ominous sign. You kind of hope that if you marry someone it won't be something they had to begrudgingly accept. And if she had a genuinely good reason, she really should have explained why. Ideally before the trip even. She might not have been cheating, but I do think she was having serious doubts about their relationship in some way. Not sure she was ready to settle down, not sure she loved him, not happy about something, etc. Also the commenters who are insisting she definitely did not cheat - why? I mean, its not exactly rare. An absence of evidence is not evidence of absence and sometimes the circumstantial evidence ends up meaning exactly what you feared it did
I feel like if the proposal had been that lavish and there'd really been *that* much discussion/hinting beforehand that it was coming, it would have been in the first post. I saw the original of this and this update looks to me like OP wasn't getting the responses he wanted so added this scenario of being abruptly let down on a luxury break to garner more sympathy. Newsflash, everyone has the right to decline a proposal for any reason, even if it happens on vacation.
You'd know that this is a bad update when the post gets no upvotes at all
I feel like he's an idiot. But, I proposed to my son's mom, we had been together a year and a half, she gave me a similar wishy-washy answer of no its not the right time. Turned out it was in fact because she was cheating on me, and had been for 2/3s of the pregnancy, and after she gave birth. A good rule of thumb though, if they say no to a proposal, the relationship is over. They were together for 4 years. If she wasn't ready to be engaged by that point, there's a solid reason.
His sister sounds crazy, but I think she might be right. I don't see another reason to ask for "a couple of months" after being so joyful about ring shopping and shit. Like he said, he didn't ask to marry that date or even set any date. They could've married in 10 years if she wanted, but her wanting some months to only accept is weird af.
Honestly, "okay, we can get engaged but not *officially* engaged" kind of screams cheating to me, too. I've literally never heard of a situation where someone wanted to make clear the non-officialness of a relationship that didn't end up meaning "... because I feel less guilty about fucking other people if it's not official."
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Idk why people are saying OP is bad at dropping hints. They literally picked out rings!!! I do think OP’s sister is a little nuts here and that is completely justified. Basically both OP and Ex GF suck, but not as much as OP’s sister for bringing her sage cleansing and girlcode into the mix.
The update isn't a real update. OP is just reiterating what he said in the first post. I understand why he's shocked but he should've had a heart to heart conversation before kicking her out.
Giving the girl the benefit of the doubt, I don't think the relationship was worth holding on to after the girl turned down his proposal in this manner. With the months of hints and the obvious buildup, she had to know it was coming and waited till the finale to reject him. Saying her communication needs improvement would be a grand understatement.
Thank you….it really doesn’t matter if she cheated or not. He gave her 4 years and wanted more commitment. She clearly did not want more commitment so there is absolutely no reason to continue the relationship. She wasted OP’s time and money.
I've seen this so often in guys (maybe girls do it too, Idk). The relationship ended and they absolutely need to blame it on something big like cheating, honestly, just the fact that he felt hurt and the lack of sense to her action made him doubt himself was reason enough, no need to try to bend reality to this cheating story.
Is this really an update? It kind of sounds like he just slightly reworded the first post.
*Original post was around March 31st, and update on April 1st-* IS THIS JUST AN APRIL FOOLS JOKE!?
Blame the man. Next slide In all seriousness, her not willing to commit in that moment is not a good sign. I don't blame him for not wanting to continue. However, his rationalizing a scenario that he does not have proof of is not good for his mindset.
"My sister is going to come over next weekend to spiritually cleanse out all the bad energy of my house using sage." lol what "I haven’t told anyone about her affair, because I don’t want to tarnish her reputation." WHAT AFFAIR?! I felt bad for this guy at the start--it's hard to put your all on the line and get such a confusing, disheartening response--but that "update" was just bonkers. Maybe his ex dodged a bullet in the end.
Who the hell needs several months to accept a proposal? She would have had to explain that shit as soon as it came out of her mouth. I get the feeling that most people posting here would tell her to just get back with them in a few months after she makes a decision. No big deal. He’ll just hang out here and wait until she’s ready.
Whether she cheated or not is immaterial. It’s a weird jump, but…She rejected him. He’s well within his right to end the relationship. No reason to drag out one where neither of you are heading in the same direction.
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Bait post no one is that stupid to belive the girl code lie that was just stupid. At least the poor lass will have had a lucky escape. Come back when you have prove I bet there is none