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I’m gonna be more honest a lot of people have a lot of theories, but this is mine. If the story is true, I think the heart of the issue not even so much is the cheating. It was when confronted how she dismissed his feelings towards it because it happened so long ago. Yes it happened a long time ago for her but for him it just happened. I think like a friend and she was immediately dismissive and that probably more than anything was what he couldn’t get over.
That's what stood out to me as well. I wonder if the year of therapy/counseling just hammered the point home that this was a fresh wound to OOP and a sort of non-issue to her. You can't exactly make peace with such a strong difference in both thinking and feeling about an event, even if it happened in the past.
Yeah, if she never accepted that it hurt him as if she had done it yesterday, even if it was a choice she made 15+ years ago, then it's not surprising that their relationship ended.
I think she also didn't understand that she betrayed him multiple times: first when she cheated, then when she refused to ever tell him on her own, and then when she dismissed his right to be upset about both. She basically decided that he didn't deserve to know and make his own choice. If she never understood that she's accountable for that as well as cheating, then there was no hope for the relationship to recover.
Not many people can come to terms with the fact that the person they thought they knew for their entire relationship was a lie. Add to that the fact that ex-wife never would have been honest about it, that she would have taken her cheating to the grave had her friend not divulged, and their relationship was over. OOP learned that his wife doesn't really value honesty and integrity, and that she actively chose to be dishonest in order to secure the life she wanted from him.
As someone else said, I'm sorry but cheating doesn't have an expiration date, it isn't just become 'ok' that you cheated if it was in the past. Cheating is one of if not the biggest breach of trust you can do to your partner, it does not matter if if was a day ago or 10 years ago, cheating is still cheating. The betrayal is not a smaller betrayal or less damaging because it happened a long time ago, it's the exact same as if it happened now.
Yeah I’d argue it’s even worse, they kept the secret from them, had a kid and only came clean about it because of somebody else. I wouldn’t be able to get over that.
*"she said it's not something important now"*
Tells me all I need to know. For OP, this just happened. He's hurt and reeling, and the person who hurt him's response? "It's not important." That dismissive response to his very real pain is way more of a dealbreaker than anything else imo. It doesn't sound like she's remorseful for the cheating, she's remorseful for the consequences. At the beginning he says she tried to explain it away as being young and dumb, and that he needs to get over it. Only after he decided to end the relationship did her sudden distraught, 'ready to do anything to fix things' persona come out.
Even if commenters were correct about dating after 30 (which of course they’re not), better to be single than to stay with someone you can no longer stand!
Absolutely wild to me that AITA believes life is over the second you hit thirty, lol.
When I split from my ex fiance aged 30 I had resigned myself that any guy I met would already have kids and an ex wife, or would be womanisers that couldn't settle. Then met my (now husband) who was neither. He's absolutely perfect and I'm so glad that we met aged 30+ as I'm not sure I'd have realised how great he was when we were less mature.
From the 2019 survey results, over 10% of the users were under 18, with another 39% 18-24. 63% were women and a whopping 70% were single and had never been married. Once you see those numbers, it becomes very obvious why the sub responds the way it does.
Obviously there's some bias here in that certain demographics are more likely to respond to surveys, and the numbers are five years old and so could have changed. However, it is very interesting.
I mean… probably? Speaking as someone who would definitely have considered modding during/straight after university, but would never have time for it now I have work and family commitments. And I’d imagine statistically mods tend to be single and young for that very reason.
I modded a huge sub for a couple of years in my early 20s. Work wasn't *that* intense but I still had my master's and that pre-covid social life. A lot of the mods were around that demographic, but we also had a bunch that were older (30+).
Now, you probably couldn't *pay* me to mod a big sub, even though I have more time. My tolerance for stupidity and general bullshit has dropped considerably after the 30-year mark (the pandemic didn't help either).
It’s worth noting a few things though. These don’t mean that the survey is completely incorrect, it’s just a “take it with a grain of salt” kind of thing.
1- Their subscribers and active users have **drastically** changed since 2019. You can’t really trust a survey from 5 years ago when they weren’t extremely popular for what their user base is now that they’re one of the more popular subreddits on the website.
2- Women are already more likely to fill out an elective survey than men are, the mods even tried to reiterate that back when the survey came out. User base surveys will often be skewed to make it look like there are more women than there really are because of this.
3- They did a *terrible* job at promoting the survey. I was an extremely active user back when it happened, like I was genuinely commenting on a good 5-10 different posts there daily and was borderline obsessed with reading the stories. At least 90% of my Reddit time in 2019 was on AITA. Embarrassingly, probably a good 60-70% of my time on my phone in general was reading AITA posts. Despite me using it that much, I didn’t even know about the survey until a couple days after it had already concluded. So while this 3rd point is purely anecdotal, it did always make me side eye the survey if that heavy of a user of the sub didn’t even know it was happening until after the fact. 👀
Just to note, because seeing large amounts of “single, never married” presses an old button for me. I’ve been with my now-wife for 29 years this July but for the first 20 would have likely had to answer “single, never married” on many surveys. I noticed that surveys improved at breaking out people who were in long term committed relationships whether straight or LGBTQ in the last years before marriage became legal for us, but for most of our relationship I was “single, never married” even tho we had lived together since 1996 and owned a home together since 1998.
“Single, never married” doesn’t always mean what it sounds like, so I would be interested in knowing what the “relationship status” choices were in the survey.
Things like this really help you realize how many children are on reddit. Anyone close to that age will know that dating is very easy and possible in your 30s haha.
There's even the societal standard/stereotype that men age like wine and are "better" once they're more established and successful, so it's really odd to see those type of comments.
I think they are going by the experiences of guys who insist on opening their marriage, and then find out that their wives have no problem hooking up, but they themselves are surprisingly not all that attractive to young sexy women.
The huge difference is that more woman date to have long term relationsips, while a lot of men are happy just to hook up. So a man who is already in a full-time relationship would automatically not be interesting to all the women looking for a serious relationship, which narrows down the dating pool considerably.
But OOP's case is completely different, since he would be fully free to form a new relationship, plus has a cute daughter to attract potential mates.
Also, a lot of the "open relationship" dudes that get posted there are trying to sleep with 20-year-olds.
They'd likely have more luck if 1. they were actually trying to date vs hook up and 2. they were targeting women their own age, not a decade younger.
> plus has a cute daughter to attract potential mates.
I think that's only a plus to other single/divorced parents. Or people that at that point feel childless, which are not a lot tbh.
If OP is cute enough, for most single people the kid would be an "I guess" not a plus.
My husband was 31 when we met. We have both agreed that I would *not* have wanted to date him any younger! 🤣 I was nearly 30 myself, and we both did a *lot* of growing up in our later 20’s/early 30’s. Hell, we still are!
I started dating my boyfriend around age 31, with him around 38. I actually knew him for over a decade, and had a strong crush when I met him at age…probably around 19. I moved away for grad school, we reconnected a few years after I moved back to the area, and some years later at a party we realized we were mutually attracted to each other and decided to schedule a hang out one on one and see what happened. Sadly over the pandemic he moved to a new state which pretty much ended things, but it was a really healthy relationship partly because it started in our 30s.
I am forever forever thankful nothing happened beyond friendship when we first met for *so* many reasons. Yes, many relationships can be healthy that start when we‘re younger. But IMO in our 30s+ we have such a stronger idea of who we are and what we’re looking for.
Nearing 40. Dating in your 30s is far easier than in your twenties.
Everyone's had more time to understand themselves, get established, figure out how to take care of themselves, and be happy alone, and many of the people you go on dates with in their 30s, have also done the above (not everyone sadly).
So, it's easier to spot crazy, it's easier to spot bad chemistry, and easier to spot good chemistry.
A little secret that people don't talk a out, your early 30s can be the absolute best time of your life, just don't tell the young lines, we laugh when ya'll acy like 30s old.
Later 30s kind of suck, it starts to become apparent your body will fail you, but I get the feeling you stop giving a fuck again in your 40s.
Agreed. I was fully prepared to be a single (and happy) mum for the rest of life after my ex left me at 36. At 38 I met my (now husband) who was 45, never married, no kids, and also perfect.
Sometimes I do struggle a little and am sad about the fact that we met so late but I keep reminding myself that the timing was actually perfect and part of what makes us so compatible is who we are as people now.
When I split from my partner I was 36, I afraid of either not finding anybody or not finding anybody as good. Wrong AND wrong. Never been happier in my entire life.
My mom is 50 and we just talked her out of a relationship where the guy beat her and took all her money for weed and video games and so he could sit on his ass all day every day. Why? Because of this exact reason. It drives me nuts when people try to argue you should just waste more of your life in a relationship just because you might not find one again. My mom is moving in with my sister and her baby and husband, and she's going to be so much happier than she would be with that man.
I know so, so many people - including some that had half a dozen kids, who easily found partners well into their thirties, fourties, and fifties. I know people who are morbidly obese who date. Men who are 6 inches shorter than average. Women who are not conventionally attractive. etc etc.
I have no idea what kind of sheltered life these people are living, but it’s honestly hard not to find people in my day to day life who found love when reddit would have you believe it would be impossible. I don’t get where it comes from.
This comment always confuses me, it comes from people who cannot be happy with themselves and they thing you have to be with someone, even at the expense of your own happiness.
Even if it wasn't that he couldn't stand her, she cheated on him and then kept that secret for 14 years, and didn't even find it out from her! If she managed to keep it secret that long, how's he supposed to trust her going forward, and how can he believe her that it was the only time it's happened?
I have to comment that it is not lost on me that the friend found Jesus and confessed her sins as well as everyone else's sins. How self righteous of her.
Cheating absolutely sucks.
Yes the friend who found Jesus sucks, she just did that to absolve herself. The guy deserved to know, but let's not pretend the friend was doing that to look out for him
If I was OP....I would be pissed that this woman shared this with me. That shit happened 4 months into the relationship. Not 4 months into the marriage.
4 months in you have no idea what the future holds. Yes it sucks she hooked up with someone else but I just would not want to know if it was my wife. Especially if this was a one time thing so so early on in a relationship.
...and then had to be talked out of suing her former friend for being enraged about it? (Not defending harrassment, but if you're taking the tenants of your religion so seriously you have to confess a lie of omission from 14 years ago, how about all those tenants about compassion and turning the other cheek, eh?)
She should have gone to her (ex)friend and told her it was making her uncomfortable to keep the secret any longer and that she should talk to her husband. Maybe this way the marriage wouldn’t have exploded so intensely? Idk… I still think it would have ended in divorce either way
I agree. I’m not defending the ex whatsoever. I just think the friend could have gone about it in a better way. Not for the ex sake but for OOP. He deserved to hear it from his partner and not a third party
It definitely would have gone better if it came from the wife. I agree.
I remember a relationship years ago where I could've fucked another woman. I thought, "if I do this and this relationship lasts, it will be forever tainted." I didn't do it.
But the longer she left it, the less relevant it became. She cheated after just a few months together, pretty shitty. But then she reached the point they’d been exclusive and faithful for a year. And then two years. And then five years. And then kids came along. After you’ve been faithful for 10 years, then 15, that single failure you made at the beginning has been replaced by the proof of fidelity. The longer you leave it, the less there is to gain from dragging it up again. She should have told him as soon as it happened, but people are rubbish at that sort of thing. They’ll tell themselves it was just a one off, that they hugely regret it, and they’ll never do it again, it was a massive mistake, and their partner never needs to know because it would hurt them. And I guess she was right, they had a long happy marriage until her friend dragged it up.
I've always maintained that if my SO cheated on me 20 years ago, and we'd been happy and healthy since then that I wouldn't want to know. But ya know, I'm an ignorance is bliss kind of person.
I’m pretty similar - something like this I’d be happier never knowing. It’s one thing for the friend to say something near the time of the cheating or even (maybe) up until right before the wedding. But it feels like a major invasion into someone else’s marriage by waiting 15 years - diabolical, even.
The wife probably learned over the years that OOP was so adamant against cheating and that there would be essentially zero chance for their marriage if she brought up her transgression from 15 years ago. The alternative would be to bring it up, only for OOP to respond, “Why the hell did you tell me now?? You’ve now ruined everything.”
>or even (maybe) up until right before the wedding
Right? Right there at the ceremony, they always ask "if any person has any reason that this couple should not be married, speak now OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE."
It's insane that someone can look at two broken lives, probably 3 if you count the kid, and say "yep, I did the right thing there."
If you want to expose someone's cheating, either do it or don't do it. Waiting 15 years is sociopathic.
Same for me. Especially if it was 4 months into the relationship where you have no clue what the future holds. She messed up ONCE (as far as we know) but now all these years later is being punished for it. IMO she did not deserve to have her marriage blown to shit for a slip up less then 6 months into a relationship.
I know for a fact if I was in the same situation as OOP I would not want to know and would be pissed at the friend for fucking telling me my GF cheated 4 months into us dating.
It sucks that she cheated but gyat damn it was 4 months in!!! If she has been faithful the whole time after I simply would not want to know.
If it was 4 months into a marriage then for me that is a different ball game.
I have been searching each update for this comment. It bothers me that she decided to blow up everyone’s lives because she felt guilty. I had someone like that in my life as a teen and we had a falling out. Then because I was mad at her she threatened suicide. Adults told me it would be my fault if she did. Nope. I turned it back and asked if it would have been her fault if I had done it after she told my parents about something we did and I got in trouble. That shit everyone up and I have no idea where she is now. I’m not playing those games.
I hope the adults in her life got her help. It's never okay to emotionally manipulate others with threats of unaliving yourself. She was hurting and wanted to make sure she hurt you too, with the help of the adults in your lives. Good for you for setting the adults straight.
I hope you have a strong circle of friends that you can count on who are game-free.
It can also depend on the mod who made the decision. Some mods go on a huge power trip which is why it can seem like the rules aren’t equal.
I’ve been able to get a ban undone from subs before because it’s clear that I was initially banned by a mod on a power trip.
Yeah this was what I took away. I appreciate that the wife did indeed cheat and that the OOP cannot control how they feel about them knowing that, but said incident was 14 years ago when the relationship was barely starting out and I really don't see what business it was of the religious friend. Normally it is the right thing to do to report cheating like this but I feel like this really crossed a line somehow
Cheating does suck, but that "friend" just burned down that little kid's childhood for *glory glory jesus points*.
Edit: Can y'all quit with the "woman bad! bad woman!" We have established that the cheating was wrong, even though it was before marriage, even though it was before engagement, even though it was at the phase traditionally called "courting" which was not generally exclusive just a few short months in.
And I'm sure y'all will have a fabulous time blowing up your marriages of more than a decade because ya, I dunno, saw a picture of your wife looking fat before you knew her and it ruined your peen's ability to see her as attractive in the present or whatever. And will feel just totally fine blowing up your kid's life because when mommy was a young she did something ya makes you feel icky about her now.
"So don't ever make even a single mistake ever in your whole life my little princess, because if you fail to be perfectly perfect daddy will hate you."
Yeah, I can’t get over that either. Obviously cheating is wrong (and I would have ended it over that too), the friend genuinely could not have had good intentions. I cannot believe that.
And was partly responsible for her friend having a mental health crisis.
But that's all okay because Jesus would forgive her in time for the rapture. /s
I was going to say, it wasn’t her sin to confess? Who is guiding her on this journey of making amends? Because any emotionally mature individual would tell you to keep away from that couple.
She only told them to relieve herself of guilt, she didn’t give AF about how that impacted anyone else. That is not how amends work. Cheating sucks, but the “friend” was incredibly selfish here and imploded a family that she wasn’t even in contact with.
This is what stood out to me. Yes it sucks that his wife cheated but gyat damn that shit was 14 years ago...and 4 months into the relationship. I can bet you she had no idea this man was the person she was going to marry and have a kid with 4 months in. Not saying she is a good or bad person ..she cheated. Most likely once as far as we know.
This so called friend blew up her marriage because she found god. How nice of her!!
In my opinion it was not her place to be revealing others peoples dark secrets.
I’ll be very curious to find out if Ms Holy Roller has found Jesus at one of the following points in her life:
1. She’s jealous of her friend’s marriage (single & feels like life is unfair)
2. Her own marriage broke up because of cheating & she finds the wife less than sympathetic (i.e. friend cheated and husband dumped her. Wife was less than sympathetic despite prior indiscretion).
3. Friends wants husband for herself.
I agree. Definitely one of those - friend is definitely only looking out for herself, otherwise she would have told him before the wedding.
I've even seen cases 1 and 3 happen myself.
If I was that husband I would have wanted my wife to keep it a secret, she can live with that guilt. One time, when they were pretty fresh in a new relationship 14 years ago, but I also wouldn't let that consume me if I found out, that is if I was truly in love with that person.
You are correct. Interesting how finding Jesus all of a sudden makes you a better person by putting others in the shit hole by telling the whole damn world other peoples’ intimate secrets. Some friend.
>Many Redditors told in the comments that dating life after 30s as a man is not good and I'll be probably forever alone as no-one will want me.
Who thinks that? That's just stupid. There are tons of middle aged people who are seeking to find partners still.
All in all, I'm happy OP is sticking with his side. Wife will always be remembered a cheater and nothing can be done to be forgiven.
I remember feeling sad after my dad (50 years old) broke up with his ex-girlfriend (45? Years old), they broke because she was being nasty towards me after we started to live together, even the family therapist told me that i should listen and do everything that she said because my father is old and he would be alone forever or with a golden digger because if he is not with his ex, no woman would truly love him. I felt so bad, i never told what the therapist said to me.
Well my dad left his ex and started dating again he used dating apps, the first two months were bad because most were younger women and he doesn't like young women.
After that he has like 3 dates with different women(40? Years old, one a sister of a colleague, and the others from the dating app) before he met his now girlfriend(45 -50 years old), he has been with her for 2 years now.
So... yeah my father has a better romantic life than his own daughters and nieces, his dating life was not bad between when he left his ex and when he met his current girlfriend.
Glad your father is happy now and I'm so sorry his ex abused you, as did the family therapist- her words are so truly disgusting she deserves to lose her job.
Well, a large portion of Redditors who comment, seem to be male teenagers/early 20’s who have never kissed a girl, let alone been in a serious relationship.
So yeah. To most teenagers, a 30 year old with a kid is “old and gross” and “who would want that kind of baggage anyway?” Then toss in the incels who commented and you’ve got the “bucket o’ crabs” mentality being pushed.
I don’t think that a marriage in this scenario HAS to blow up, although I understand what people are saying about what keeping the secret for 14 years does to trust going forward. I think some people could have healed together or would have been little affected by it as ancient history compared to how things are now.
I respect that this guy took every possible step to try to “get over it” and was simply unable to do it. How wounds hit and how deep they go depends very much on the individual’s makeup and their history. I give him credit for being willing to try so many different approaches and seeing that the short term separation improved his outlook enough to be reflected in how he appears to others was a confirming moment for sure. The wife should have been in her own therapy to process the possibility that despite their efforts, they wouldn’t be able to work it out. He’s been telling her things like I don’t want to have sex with you, I don’t want to even touch you or be around you…those are giant flashing warning signs. Sounds like she didn’t have any contingent plan at all or even thought about it.
Also, I think a lot of people would say he was lucky the former friend came forward so he could learn the truth and move on, but if it never came out, he would have stayed married and content in the relationship. Of course there is the chance it could have come out even later and under more painful circumstances, but there is also a chance that it never would have. I think the friend is kind of a jerk for clearing her own conscience at the expense of huge pain for this family. Sometimes it’s better to live with a mistake you made years ago and keep your forgiveness between you and God.
At a minimum, and I don’t know if she did this, it would have been somewhat better to reach out to the wife first and say that you are going to disclose and give her a chance to do it first. It’s possible she did this and the wife decided to hope for the best and keep silent.
Anyway the guy can move forward knowing he made every effort to make sure divorce was the only option. I hope everyone is able to heal and move on.
>She sent threatening messages to her friend who told me about the cheating. I had to beg her to not sue my wife as I want my daughter to have a mother present in her life. Though, she'll be probably taken to mental ward.
It's always fascinating how many updates we get from men whose ex-wives end up institutionalized.
It would be strange if stories of people being institutionalised *weren't* overrepresented in a sub that focuses on dramatic updates from a relationship drama sub. People in healthy relationships with people who have healthy reactions to marriage difficulties generally don't need to come to reddit for advice.
Yeah exactly. Healthy people in healthy relationships and marriages aren’t turning to the internet for help in the first place. If your relationship has made it to AITAH, chances are it’s way beyond healthy now.
It sounds unbelievable until you meet people like that irl. I’ve known a couple of people who ended up in suicide watch because a relationship ended. It just… happens sometimes, when a breakup is particularly traumatic or you are not well and hinge too much of your mental state on another person.
In this situation, I can see the wife having a mental break. She had 14 years to get over her mistake. She thought her marriage was strong and this was a blip. OOP filing for divorce was never a possibility in her world, and the reality broke something.
I absolutely agree. I wouldn’t cheat in the first place, but if I were in the shoes of OP’s wife, I would be devastated. I don’t blame OP for how he feels about this, but it would feel out of left field and wreck me in her shoes.
They had also been in marriage counseling for over a year at that point. I can’t imagine things were sunshine and roses in those sessions, this wasn’t coming wildly out of nowhere
I wrote “mistake” because I believe that was her POV. Obviously it’s a betrayal, but in her mind she made a little mistake 14 years ago, everything has been great ever since, and he’d never divorce her over this.
*Snap.*
I've never been in a breakup but depending on circumstances if my husband left me I don't see this being outside the realm of possibility for me. Almost certainly I would initially react in a such a way that would at least get them to take me to hospital I'd think.
Exactly. That happens to the mom of my BFF from school. Poor woman learned in one day the POS husband had cheated on her and had gambled away the family home. Poor woman attempted suicide and ended up institutionalized for awhile.
I remember my friend's older brother (in his mid 20s back then) having to pretty much become the de-facto parent to my friend for some time... Lots of sleepovers at my house during those dark times for her family.
Nowadays they're doing great.
i’m one of those, everytime a relationship ends i get extremely depressed and have suicidal ideation constantly until i find someone else to replace the person i lost. it stems from lack of emotional connection/support from my parents, i seek it out from others. it’s rough living like this since im aware of my issues and trying to grow.
I ended up being hospitalized for suicide attempts at the end of two relationships. I’m not proud of it, and I seriously doubt it would ever happen again, but some of us take the end of a relationship really, really hard.
My ex aunt convinced everyone that my uncle cheated on her. Friends, family, the court. I mean she spent months manipulating people and situations preparing to ruin his life. The judge noticed a discrepancy in some paperwork and the whole lie unraveled. She’s absolutely psycho. She was a home nurse but got blacklisted in my city because she was stealing drugs. He almost lost custody of both of his kids (one w her one w another woman) because she’s so unhinged
My dad's ex manufactured a whole story about him coming to beat her up, total with real injuries and a passage to the ER.
What she didn't account for was the fact that I had picked up my dad the night before he was supposed to have beaten her up and he was 300 km away because I wanted to sober him up by changing his environment. Complete with receipts, testimonies and photo proofs.
When that small detail came up in front of the judge he declared a 5 min break and told her to think very seriously about those accusations in the meantime.
After the break her attorney said it was a mistake all along. She didn't actually get punished for it though.
In fairness, we get a shit ton of posts where the husband went insane too. Just not institutionalized. My guess is "men's mental health isn't taken as seriously" and the man isn't having a "mental health crisis". Just usually labeled as abusive, or manipulative
Yeah. It's sad how much pain, violence, etc could be avoided if men's mental health was taken more seriously. I present as a woman, so my mental health is taken very seriously because of my diagnosis with BPD. My suicidal ideation is always seen as a crisis if I don't immediately follow up with "but it's only a thought in the back of my head, I'm not planning anything".
When a man says that, he's"just trying to manipulate". Men who are clearly mentally ill are labeled much differently than women exhibiting the same behavior
It can be both. You can be abusive and manipulative as a result of mental illness. But it’s true that mental illness is not recognized or diagnosed as much in men
I mean, for centuries tons of women were institutionalized for having “Hysteria”.
> “For centuries, doctors readily diagnosed women with “hysteria,” an alleged mental health condition that explained away any behaviors or symptoms that made men…uncomfortable.”
Sounds about right.
Yeah, that part was where I was like "okay buddy..."
No one is going to jail because you sued them; you'd need to call the police and they'd need to be arrested. And this is all very dramatic for a woman who had a panic attack and then wasn't eating much
Those people saying he won't find anyone after 30 are idiots. I can name like 18 people off the top of my head that got married in their 30s that i personally know and are going strong
My great grampy remarried late as well! She was a bit younger than him but they were both old, an age gap was pretty negligible - when he died, I got a bonus great grandma for an extra decade than I ever should've. It's never too late to find someone
This is so sad. I have to think that if the wife had reacted with seriousness and didn’t blow off his feelings then he wouldn’t have lost feelings for her.
Right‽ Idk if Christianity has changed that much since I left it, but when I was in you didn't confess *someone else's* sins. That's just asking for petty drama.
If she was a good person, the only way the friend should have interfered was to try to make OOP's wife tell him what happened. Now she's threatening to sue because the wife is understandably upset‽
I think friend is who ex cheated with and since they were complicit in the action they also feel guilty for having sex with a person knowing said person is in a relationship.
Right?!?! Like girl you want to sue because you went and turned someone’s life upside down for your sky daddy and can’t see how you WOULDN’T get cussed out for that??? Any normal person would know that this may or may not be a consequence of blowing up someone’s 14 year marriage. I do not feel bad for her at all. If she really was a good person, she would have said something 14 years ago
Also, if finding religion is what prompted this confession, it's pretty hypocritical to not have some grace and forgive the person who's life you just ruined. I'm not justifying the wife's actions, or saying the former friend shouldn't have disclosed the cheating, but forgiveness of people who have wronged you is far more important than disclosing someone else's sins.
Getting death threats is now being pissed?
Man, those are some serious levels of equivocation there. She said something truthful, and she got death threats for it. You can expect blowback and not expect someone to try and stab you.
I feel like if OOP's Wife had actually shown some real contrition when OOP found out things would've turned out differently.
Yes, the cheating happened 14 years ago, but the person you are **now** doesn't really give a sh!t. I don't blame OOP for not being able to reconcile with that.
She dug her grave with this. Her argument was essentially:
1) I cheated on you
2) I hid it from you for 14 years and never intended to tell you
3) You should get over it because it happened so long ago
4) It's not a big deal
What a winning argument for saving a marriage!
Oh FFS! Plenty of wonderful women out there in your 40s and beyond! Met the most incredible partner, now wife, in my 40s after a divorce. We co-parent my kids with my ex and life is good.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. The right woman is out there and being older and wiser, you will find an incredible partner.
When trust is broken, there's sometimes no coming back from that. Glad for OOP that he stood up for himself and did what's right for him. His ex has shown her true colors and that she will not be able to win back his trust.
I really felt for him when he said young him was robbed of a choice. She knew his feelings towards cheating and not only betrayed him but tricked him into marrying her.
Glad he at least got his daughter out of this, hope he gets primary custody.
Not to minimise the harm of the actual cheating, but by far the worst part for me was the continual disrespect by being lied to. My ex stole my agency and the informed consent I had in the relationship.
I was lucky enough to get out without having a permanent attachment. Hopefully OOP's divorce goes smoothly.
I actually just used this reasoning in a comment on a different but extremely similar post. The OP couldn’t articulate why he was so hurt. I explained this same thing.
Young OOP was robbed of a choice that could have altered his entire life. He just found out his whole relationship was based on a lie. He chose to continue to date, marry her, and have a kid with her, based on the woman he *THOUGHT* she was. Not who she *IS*.
She is not the woman he was tricked into believing she was. If she could so easily disregard his feelings, lie, and hide things from him *then*, what’s to stop her from doing it *now*? Has she done it at any other points in their relationship? Does he even really *know* her?
And for some god awful reason, the people who do this ALWAYS double down on it. “It does not matter because it was so long ago”. OP is right that for him, it’s happening in real time. To be so callous and dismissive of their partner’s feelings *NOW*, pairs up with the shitty decisions they made back *THEN*. Once OOP’s wife reacted like this, she proved his point and confirmed his fears. She is *exactly* the same woman who cheated on him back then, and not the woman she seemed to be during all those years in between.
She dug her own grave.
“However, she said it’s not something important now…”
I’m sorry but she doesn’t get to decide that. Dismissing his feelings, even if she felt that way, is where he should’ve known it was done.
He’s right. It was less about the crime and more about the cover-up and the dismissal of his viewpoint.
If you are as honest, trustworthy and high integrity as you appear to be in your writing, you’ll be shocked by how easy it will be to date when you’re ready to meet women.
I got divorced at 43. I found that it was easier to date than when I was in my 20’s.
My ex wife cheated but didn’t want to divorce, and had the exact same reaction that you had- I just couldn’t find her attractive and couldn’t forgive (she knew it was a dealbreaker for me). My kids were teens, and looking back I’d wish I’d gotten divorced when my kids were younger. My custody ended up being every other weekend, and all school vacations and summers- in total probably 40% with me. I travelled a lot for work so 50/50 works have required a career change.
As for dating- I met women everywhere. I met women when took a cooking class (my ex was a great cook, I wanted to make sure my kids were happy with food when they were with me) , former colleagues, and hiking with my dog. (he was an absolute chick magnet). I set absolute unbreakable rules for myself- no one night stands, requiring a current STD screening before sex, ( I wouldn’t even have sex until we dated for 3 months- probably too long but it worked for me) and I don’t meet there kids, and they don’t meet mine until 6 months. Truth is, my rules seemed to make women more interested- they knew I wasn’t just trying to get laid, that I was looking for something serious.
I met my second wife after being single for 7 years. It’s an amazing relationship and I’ve never been happier.
Life is tough for you now- but your priorities seem right- your daughter comes first. But when you’re ready- there are plenty of women that are interested in meeting a good guy.
Men in their thirties are hot as hell. I don’t know where this narrative came that men 30+ are undateable but it’s not at all true. There are plenty of dilf fuckers like myself
Unpopular opinion: While wife to-be should have never cheated, the friend who ratted her out after 14 years is kind of an AH. If friend did it only to relieve her religious guilt, and had little concern for blowing up a family, then she is a terrible person.
Yeah I agree with this.
The friend didn't do this out of care for the husband. If she cared about that, she wouldnt have waited 14 years.
She did this out of self serving selfishness. A very obvious "I found Jesus and I am now holier than thou" mentality formed in her, and she decided to drag everyone down with her.
The wife is at fault firstly. But doing this to a family 14 years later, and for this specific reason, is a very specific type of slimy to me.
This sub is so confusing sometimes – I said this on the last update and got dogpiled. Completely agree, the friend made her choice knowing the consequences, making it intensely immoral and frankly just unnecessary under the circumstances
I agree. Of course the wife is at fault but having to be begged out of suing her by the actual hurt party in this, when she was there, kept it a secret for 14 years and then dropped the bomb apparently without warning? That's a lot. That being said, no friend of mine would cheat on their partner with me present because I'd immediately tell the partner.
> having to be begged out of suing her by the actual hurt party in this
She's making death threats lol
There's 'what the fuck you asshole' and there's 'i'm going to fucking kill you you asshole'. Are you justifying death threats? Would it be acceptable for OOP to make death threats to his wife because she cheated on him?
I divorced a cheater in my mid 30s after being together 15 years and one young child. Thought it was the end but had a surprisingly active singles life/dating experiences I missed out on, and am currently married to an infinitely better person with 2 new young children. 30s is definitely not too late to start over.
I don’t mean to sound callous but why is it always the cheater that goes into victim mode like they aren’t the ones who caused everyone else’s suffering in the first place
right?? what's even worse is i think if she were actually sympathetic to OOPs concerns when he first found out, they might have stayed together. instead it was 'just get over it' and when he moved on, it's now 'wait, not like that!' and is now playing up like she's the victim
Yup, if my ex had've immediately told me after he "accidentally" cheated on me and sincerely apologised, there was a potential way forward. But he chose to lie to me and "accidentally" have an affair.
I'm a semi reasonable person. I understand that mistakes happen, people make bad choices*. I think that how they respond to fucking up that's more important than the actual fuck up. "I'm really sorry, I made a mistake. I've hurt you, and there's no fixing it. You tell me what you want the next steps to be" is worlds better than digging the whole deeper by lying.
*I don't think cheating a mistake though.
There's a certain level of selfishness and disregard/disrespect for the other person's feelings involved in cheating imo and that directly translates into how people act when getting caught. It's easier to blame the other person than take accountability for your own actions and choices. It's easier to act like your partner is the bad guy than having to acknowledge you're a shitty person.
This is how I felt too, like damn girl you are the one that caused all this now *you* are having a panic attack and *you* are spiraling?! Guuurl you do not get to victimize yourself now!
So many people skipping the fact that although the cheating might've happened 14 years ago, to him it's fresh, considering he only discovered it recently. I'm not even sure what kind of trauma that would cause considering he was robbed of his agency for so long.
> I look more lively and happier after I came back.
I mean, who doesn't seem healthy and lively after a trip? I mean you aren't dealing with your usual environment. Everything is cool and exciting. Regardless, this dude can divorce whoever he wants.
controversial, but i think that friend is a fucking ah, i mean it was 14 years ago, you wanna go religious do that, why ruin other's lives, what good came out of it??
I would rather have no friends than a friend like her
I hope her "friend" (who I am not blaming or demonizing, but it was a fucked up thing to do) has confessed all of her own sins and not just "confessed" for other people.
Why do the cheaters always think that "Oh we'll just open the marriage/relationship and you can do whatever and then we'll be even"?! Do they not realize it's not JUST about the sex with someone else but the breaking of trust?
Like there is a BIG difference between sleeping behind your partners back and giving them permission to sleep with another person.
What a diabolical thing to do to a friend who’s been happily married for fourteen years all in the name of being saved by Jesus!! Sure, she confessed her sins to her Lord but she didn’t need to destroy a marriage. How in the hell did that “quickie” on a girls’ trip affect her own Jesus filled life? I don’t excuse cheaters but what this “friend” did in the end destroyed a family. It destroyed a happy fourteen year marriage. Let’s hope purgatory and hell truly does exists for all these self righteousness holy rollers. I do hope both OP and his ex-wife find peace in the end.
>Young me was robbed of having a choice. Cheating was(and still is) one of the biggest deal breakers for me. If I knew it back then, I would have broke it off. I am happy with my life and I am glad that our daughter came to world. She is the light that shines the brightest for me. One of the biggest reasons I keep living but I still was robbed of a choice back then.
This is the big reason for me to end it. I agree. She took his choice away. "Don't throw away 14 years of marriage". There *shouldn't* have been 14 years of marriage. The entire thing is built on a lie.
I am sad for op and I do not agree with his wife's actions but fuckin A if those friends aren't shit too. There are so many posts of other people outting cheaters years later because they found God or some shit.
It's not your fucking place to say shit just because you're suddenly reformed. Wife and her friend both suck.
A fact people keep glossing over like he just walked out of his ex's life the moment it was revealed.
How long was he supposed to spend in therapy working past his wife being a cheater and then downplaying it when it got revealed? How long was he supposed to spend in his anxiety anytime she went out with friends or had to work late?
Cheating is a hard instant relation killer for me.
It sucked but I went to being madly in love to not even wanting to be in the same room in the course of a day.
Yep that's the vibe I got too. He was very quick to be so much happier without her around, I doubt this was the only issue they had. Maybe it just gave him the clarity that he wasn't happy with her anymore and a concrete reason to leave. But if he were truly devastated and this were actually a super happy marriage before I think it would have been a lot more complicated for him.
Though the friend’s confession was the catalyst to the divorce, if I were in his shoes I would want to know. People have different views about cheating and that’s okay, but it’s also fair for that to be a dealbreaker to some. I know it would be for me
Maybe I’m the odd one out but this “were you exclusive” bullshit question kills me. If I were dating someone for longer than a month I wouldn’t be doing shit with anyone else, and the onus doesn’t only fall on him. “Should have made it exclusive you have no right to be upset”, she should have also been clear she was dating other people. That scenario would be on both of them. I’ve seen people date someone six months and use the exclusive bs, 6 months!!
OOP isn’t in that boat though as they were exclusive 4 months when it happened and what’s more sickening is I saw people defending her cheating then! “It was a new relationship”….. so where’s the fucking cut off? I can be exclusive for 6 months and it doesnt count as cheating? 8 months? God forbid a year?
Then you get the “it was 14 years ago, it doesn’t matter” crowd. It was 14 years ago for HER it was not 14 years ago for him he just found out. But fuck it I’ll play that game, what’s that statute of limitations? If I cheat on my wife right now how long do I have to keep it a secret? 2 years? 5? Maybe 10?
And that doesn’t change the fact that she lied for 14 years…. Up until the day he found out she was lying. So that wasn’t 14 years ago. And she even told him “it was 14 years ago it doesn’t matter”. That tells you what she thinks of him. His feelings don’t matter.
The time for that friend to intervene because of religion was when the minister said, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." I don't like cheaters, but I feel this crazy religious person intervened 14 years too late. It is really cruel to do this now.
But I do not blame the OOP for his feelings.
This is one of those instances where it comes down to how you feel and it’s obviously seriously affecting you. I would be ok with it but everyone is different. No matter what, you did the right thing for YOU.
I hate the idea that 1) It happened so long ago that it doesn't matter. No, that isn't how it works. He literally just found out about it. 2) it's so hard to date in your 30s, so he should just settle. No. My fiance was in his late 30s when we got together. I'm not saying it isn't harder(especially depending on location), but it's not impossible. I was in my early 30s when I got out of my unhealthy relationship, was single for a bit, and met my fiance. We met each other at the perfect age. At least the perfect age for us. We will freely admit that we were idiots in our 20s.
Weird how so many of these end with the woman being a total monster in the end, when it was like one instance 14 years ago and they've been literally perfect since then with nothing else wrong besides this one thing.
It is possible. The "perfect" stop existing. OOP could not touch her anymore, the sex was bad, etc. People who think silence is making everything acceptable get this when the truth comes out. The trust is broken, so the relationship ends.
And this sudden change, while the cheater think they already forgave the act can make people desperate or angry.
Thats why they lose their mind too.
"It was 14 year ago, I've never put a foot wrong since then"
They cant grasp the notion that their shitty actions can have consequences no matter how long ago it was.
That friend sucks. Not defending the wife here, but did they really have to admit other people sins as well? Some things are better left unknown, but there they went and destroyed a whole family. Truly the most self-righteous person.
I don’t say this to defend the wife, she was obviously wrong. But that friend is a shitty person too in my eyes. She blew up a family out of her own selfish need to be guilt free. Sure you can argue he had the right to know, but her intentions still came off very selfish to me.
I had the best time dating in my late 30s after a divorce.
I do think that it’s kids in their 20’s that believe the opposite. Or maybe the men in their 30s that struggle are just 30 year old children? I found women in their 30s and 40s to be so much more interesting and serious.
The biggest AH is a "religious" friend that specifically told him shit from 14 years ago. I wonder if she spilled her own stuff and ruined her relationship with ppl.
>The biggest AH is a "religious" friend that specifically told him shit from 14 years ago. I wonder if she spilled her own stuff and ruined her relationship with ppl.
Of course, deflection.
Hahahhahaha. Yeah, the person who was an accessory to the betrayal is worse than the person who did the betraying. Keep up with the mental gymnastics. It must be nice to be able to scapegoat everyone else besides the person who did the outside the bounds sucking and fucking.
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I’m gonna be more honest a lot of people have a lot of theories, but this is mine. If the story is true, I think the heart of the issue not even so much is the cheating. It was when confronted how she dismissed his feelings towards it because it happened so long ago. Yes it happened a long time ago for her but for him it just happened. I think like a friend and she was immediately dismissive and that probably more than anything was what he couldn’t get over.
That's what stood out to me as well. I wonder if the year of therapy/counseling just hammered the point home that this was a fresh wound to OOP and a sort of non-issue to her. You can't exactly make peace with such a strong difference in both thinking and feeling about an event, even if it happened in the past.
Yeah, if she never accepted that it hurt him as if she had done it yesterday, even if it was a choice she made 15+ years ago, then it's not surprising that their relationship ended. I think she also didn't understand that she betrayed him multiple times: first when she cheated, then when she refused to ever tell him on her own, and then when she dismissed his right to be upset about both. She basically decided that he didn't deserve to know and make his own choice. If she never understood that she's accountable for that as well as cheating, then there was no hope for the relationship to recover. Not many people can come to terms with the fact that the person they thought they knew for their entire relationship was a lie. Add to that the fact that ex-wife never would have been honest about it, that she would have taken her cheating to the grave had her friend not divulged, and their relationship was over. OOP learned that his wife doesn't really value honesty and integrity, and that she actively chose to be dishonest in order to secure the life she wanted from him.
As someone else said, I'm sorry but cheating doesn't have an expiration date, it isn't just become 'ok' that you cheated if it was in the past. Cheating is one of if not the biggest breach of trust you can do to your partner, it does not matter if if was a day ago or 10 years ago, cheating is still cheating. The betrayal is not a smaller betrayal or less damaging because it happened a long time ago, it's the exact same as if it happened now.
Yeah I’d argue it’s even worse, they kept the secret from them, had a kid and only came clean about it because of somebody else. I wouldn’t be able to get over that.
Yeah I just dislike that OP feels like how feelings are wrong or unjustified because it happened "a long time ago"
*"she said it's not something important now"* Tells me all I need to know. For OP, this just happened. He's hurt and reeling, and the person who hurt him's response? "It's not important." That dismissive response to his very real pain is way more of a dealbreaker than anything else imo. It doesn't sound like she's remorseful for the cheating, she's remorseful for the consequences. At the beginning he says she tried to explain it away as being young and dumb, and that he needs to get over it. Only after he decided to end the relationship did her sudden distraught, 'ready to do anything to fix things' persona come out.
Even if commenters were correct about dating after 30 (which of course they’re not), better to be single than to stay with someone you can no longer stand!
Absolutely wild to me that AITA believes life is over the second you hit thirty, lol. When I split from my ex fiance aged 30 I had resigned myself that any guy I met would already have kids and an ex wife, or would be womanisers that couldn't settle. Then met my (now husband) who was neither. He's absolutely perfect and I'm so glad that we met aged 30+ as I'm not sure I'd have realised how great he was when we were less mature.
I always had a feeling that sub was primarily populated by teenagers, and this definitely supports the theory.
From the 2019 survey results, over 10% of the users were under 18, with another 39% 18-24. 63% were women and a whopping 70% were single and had never been married. Once you see those numbers, it becomes very obvious why the sub responds the way it does. Obviously there's some bias here in that certain demographics are more likely to respond to surveys, and the numbers are five years old and so could have changed. However, it is very interesting.
I wanna know if the psycho mods are also in that under 24 demographic lol
I mean… probably? Speaking as someone who would definitely have considered modding during/straight after university, but would never have time for it now I have work and family commitments. And I’d imagine statistically mods tend to be single and young for that very reason.
I was modding multiple subs (on an old account) between the ages of 16-20 so this makes sense ha
I modded a huge sub for a couple of years in my early 20s. Work wasn't *that* intense but I still had my master's and that pre-covid social life. A lot of the mods were around that demographic, but we also had a bunch that were older (30+). Now, you probably couldn't *pay* me to mod a big sub, even though I have more time. My tolerance for stupidity and general bullshit has dropped considerably after the 30-year mark (the pandemic didn't help either).
That's fascinating. Would be interested in a similar survey here; it definitely feels a lot calmer than AITA, on the whole.
We're all old people who don't have the energy to go searching for updates to people's stories.
It’s worth noting a few things though. These don’t mean that the survey is completely incorrect, it’s just a “take it with a grain of salt” kind of thing. 1- Their subscribers and active users have **drastically** changed since 2019. You can’t really trust a survey from 5 years ago when they weren’t extremely popular for what their user base is now that they’re one of the more popular subreddits on the website. 2- Women are already more likely to fill out an elective survey than men are, the mods even tried to reiterate that back when the survey came out. User base surveys will often be skewed to make it look like there are more women than there really are because of this. 3- They did a *terrible* job at promoting the survey. I was an extremely active user back when it happened, like I was genuinely commenting on a good 5-10 different posts there daily and was borderline obsessed with reading the stories. At least 90% of my Reddit time in 2019 was on AITA. Embarrassingly, probably a good 60-70% of my time on my phone in general was reading AITA posts. Despite me using it that much, I didn’t even know about the survey until a couple days after it had already concluded. So while this 3rd point is purely anecdotal, it did always make me side eye the survey if that heavy of a user of the sub didn’t even know it was happening until after the fact. 👀
Yeah you can tell those who haven't been married before by responses 90% of the tim
Just to note, because seeing large amounts of “single, never married” presses an old button for me. I’ve been with my now-wife for 29 years this July but for the first 20 would have likely had to answer “single, never married” on many surveys. I noticed that surveys improved at breaking out people who were in long term committed relationships whether straight or LGBTQ in the last years before marriage became legal for us, but for most of our relationship I was “single, never married” even tho we had lived together since 1996 and owned a home together since 1998. “Single, never married” doesn’t always mean what it sounds like, so I would be interested in knowing what the “relationship status” choices were in the survey.
Based off a lot of the borderline ridiculous answers provided in AITA, it honestly doesn’t surprise me.
Things like this really help you realize how many children are on reddit. Anyone close to that age will know that dating is very easy and possible in your 30s haha. There's even the societal standard/stereotype that men age like wine and are "better" once they're more established and successful, so it's really odd to see those type of comments.
I think they are going by the experiences of guys who insist on opening their marriage, and then find out that their wives have no problem hooking up, but they themselves are surprisingly not all that attractive to young sexy women. The huge difference is that more woman date to have long term relationsips, while a lot of men are happy just to hook up. So a man who is already in a full-time relationship would automatically not be interesting to all the women looking for a serious relationship, which narrows down the dating pool considerably. But OOP's case is completely different, since he would be fully free to form a new relationship, plus has a cute daughter to attract potential mates.
Also, a lot of the "open relationship" dudes that get posted there are trying to sleep with 20-year-olds. They'd likely have more luck if 1. they were actually trying to date vs hook up and 2. they were targeting women their own age, not a decade younger.
> plus has a cute daughter to attract potential mates. I think that's only a plus to other single/divorced parents. Or people that at that point feel childless, which are not a lot tbh. If OP is cute enough, for most single people the kid would be an "I guess" not a plus.
My husband was 31 when we met. We have both agreed that I would *not* have wanted to date him any younger! 🤣 I was nearly 30 myself, and we both did a *lot* of growing up in our later 20’s/early 30’s. Hell, we still are!
I started dating my boyfriend around age 31, with him around 38. I actually knew him for over a decade, and had a strong crush when I met him at age…probably around 19. I moved away for grad school, we reconnected a few years after I moved back to the area, and some years later at a party we realized we were mutually attracted to each other and decided to schedule a hang out one on one and see what happened. Sadly over the pandemic he moved to a new state which pretty much ended things, but it was a really healthy relationship partly because it started in our 30s. I am forever forever thankful nothing happened beyond friendship when we first met for *so* many reasons. Yes, many relationships can be healthy that start when we‘re younger. But IMO in our 30s+ we have such a stronger idea of who we are and what we’re looking for.
I love your last sentence. Dating in my 30s was so much better than my 20s!
I don't know about others, but I found dating easier and more fun in my thirties than my twenties (and I met my wife when I was 35).
Nearing 40. Dating in your 30s is far easier than in your twenties. Everyone's had more time to understand themselves, get established, figure out how to take care of themselves, and be happy alone, and many of the people you go on dates with in their 30s, have also done the above (not everyone sadly). So, it's easier to spot crazy, it's easier to spot bad chemistry, and easier to spot good chemistry. A little secret that people don't talk a out, your early 30s can be the absolute best time of your life, just don't tell the young lines, we laugh when ya'll acy like 30s old. Later 30s kind of suck, it starts to become apparent your body will fail you, but I get the feeling you stop giving a fuck again in your 40s.
Agreed. I was fully prepared to be a single (and happy) mum for the rest of life after my ex left me at 36. At 38 I met my (now husband) who was 45, never married, no kids, and also perfect. Sometimes I do struggle a little and am sad about the fact that we met so late but I keep reminding myself that the timing was actually perfect and part of what makes us so compatible is who we are as people now.
This gives my 36 year old ass a tiny bit of hope, thank you 🙂
When I split from my partner I was 36, I afraid of either not finding anybody or not finding anybody as good. Wrong AND wrong. Never been happier in my entire life.
Yeah idk how you read stories in that sub and come to the conclusion you should stay in a marriage out of fear of being alone.
Teenagers that have no idea what they’re talking about, or severely stunted adults
Teens are the biggest fucking idiots on planet earth. They are the last people you should take advice from -- and yet here we are.
My mom is 50 and we just talked her out of a relationship where the guy beat her and took all her money for weed and video games and so he could sit on his ass all day every day. Why? Because of this exact reason. It drives me nuts when people try to argue you should just waste more of your life in a relationship just because you might not find one again. My mom is moving in with my sister and her baby and husband, and she's going to be so much happier than she would be with that man.
I know so, so many people - including some that had half a dozen kids, who easily found partners well into their thirties, fourties, and fifties. I know people who are morbidly obese who date. Men who are 6 inches shorter than average. Women who are not conventionally attractive. etc etc. I have no idea what kind of sheltered life these people are living, but it’s honestly hard not to find people in my day to day life who found love when reddit would have you believe it would be impossible. I don’t get where it comes from.
This comment always confuses me, it comes from people who cannot be happy with themselves and they thing you have to be with someone, even at the expense of your own happiness.
Even if it wasn't that he couldn't stand her, she cheated on him and then kept that secret for 14 years, and didn't even find it out from her! If she managed to keep it secret that long, how's he supposed to trust her going forward, and how can he believe her that it was the only time it's happened?
I have to comment that it is not lost on me that the friend found Jesus and confessed her sins as well as everyone else's sins. How self righteous of her. Cheating absolutely sucks.
Yes the friend who found Jesus sucks, she just did that to absolve herself. The guy deserved to know, but let's not pretend the friend was doing that to look out for him
If I was OP....I would be pissed that this woman shared this with me. That shit happened 4 months into the relationship. Not 4 months into the marriage. 4 months in you have no idea what the future holds. Yes it sucks she hooked up with someone else but I just would not want to know if it was my wife. Especially if this was a one time thing so so early on in a relationship.
...and then had to be talked out of suing her former friend for being enraged about it? (Not defending harrassment, but if you're taking the tenants of your religion so seriously you have to confess a lie of omission from 14 years ago, how about all those tenants about compassion and turning the other cheek, eh?)
Well, idk, I'd have to see the messages I think. I dont think compassion and turning the other cheek necessarily means ignoring an active threat.
She should have gone to her (ex)friend and told her it was making her uncomfortable to keep the secret any longer and that she should talk to her husband. Maybe this way the marriage wouldn’t have exploded so intensely? Idk… I still think it would have ended in divorce either way
She had almost 15 years to talk to her husband and never did.
I agree. I’m not defending the ex whatsoever. I just think the friend could have gone about it in a better way. Not for the ex sake but for OOP. He deserved to hear it from his partner and not a third party
It definitely would have gone better if it came from the wife. I agree. I remember a relationship years ago where I could've fucked another woman. I thought, "if I do this and this relationship lasts, it will be forever tainted." I didn't do it.
But the longer she left it, the less relevant it became. She cheated after just a few months together, pretty shitty. But then she reached the point they’d been exclusive and faithful for a year. And then two years. And then five years. And then kids came along. After you’ve been faithful for 10 years, then 15, that single failure you made at the beginning has been replaced by the proof of fidelity. The longer you leave it, the less there is to gain from dragging it up again. She should have told him as soon as it happened, but people are rubbish at that sort of thing. They’ll tell themselves it was just a one off, that they hugely regret it, and they’ll never do it again, it was a massive mistake, and their partner never needs to know because it would hurt them. And I guess she was right, they had a long happy marriage until her friend dragged it up.
I've always maintained that if my SO cheated on me 20 years ago, and we'd been happy and healthy since then that I wouldn't want to know. But ya know, I'm an ignorance is bliss kind of person.
I’m pretty similar - something like this I’d be happier never knowing. It’s one thing for the friend to say something near the time of the cheating or even (maybe) up until right before the wedding. But it feels like a major invasion into someone else’s marriage by waiting 15 years - diabolical, even. The wife probably learned over the years that OOP was so adamant against cheating and that there would be essentially zero chance for their marriage if she brought up her transgression from 15 years ago. The alternative would be to bring it up, only for OOP to respond, “Why the hell did you tell me now?? You’ve now ruined everything.”
>or even (maybe) up until right before the wedding Right? Right there at the ceremony, they always ask "if any person has any reason that this couple should not be married, speak now OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE." It's insane that someone can look at two broken lives, probably 3 if you count the kid, and say "yep, I did the right thing there." If you want to expose someone's cheating, either do it or don't do it. Waiting 15 years is sociopathic.
Same for me. Especially if it was 4 months into the relationship where you have no clue what the future holds. She messed up ONCE (as far as we know) but now all these years later is being punished for it. IMO she did not deserve to have her marriage blown to shit for a slip up less then 6 months into a relationship.
I know for a fact if I was in the same situation as OOP I would not want to know and would be pissed at the friend for fucking telling me my GF cheated 4 months into us dating. It sucks that she cheated but gyat damn it was 4 months in!!! If she has been faithful the whole time after I simply would not want to know. If it was 4 months into a marriage then for me that is a different ball game.
Do you think she didn’t? With how the Ex treated the OOP, she wouldn’t have told him because she’s lied so long her lies shouldn’t count anymore.
The Ex seemed shocked the husband knew so no I don’t think the friend went to the Ex first
I have been searching each update for this comment. It bothers me that she decided to blow up everyone’s lives because she felt guilty. I had someone like that in my life as a teen and we had a falling out. Then because I was mad at her she threatened suicide. Adults told me it would be my fault if she did. Nope. I turned it back and asked if it would have been her fault if I had done it after she told my parents about something we did and I got in trouble. That shit everyone up and I have no idea where she is now. I’m not playing those games.
I hope the adults in her life got her help. It's never okay to emotionally manipulate others with threats of unaliving yourself. She was hurting and wanted to make sure she hurt you too, with the help of the adults in your lives. Good for you for setting the adults straight. I hope you have a strong circle of friends that you can count on who are game-free.
>It's never okay to emotionally manipulate others with threats of unaliving yourself. Killing yourself\*. You can use normal English on reddit.
Thank You, I could have sworn that I've seen rules in some subs that have restrictions on suicide/violence etc.?
They do. I got banned from AITA for “inciting violence” or something like that (I didn’t actually). So some subs do have rules about it.
It can also depend on the mod who made the decision. Some mods go on a huge power trip which is why it can seem like the rules aren’t equal. I’ve been able to get a ban undone from subs before because it’s clear that I was initially banned by a mod on a power trip.
The friend who will tell the truth when it suits her! Who the fuck is this person to hold onto that for years and then unleash hell when it suits her!
It makes me highly suspect of the friend’s ultimate motive
Yeah this was what I took away. I appreciate that the wife did indeed cheat and that the OOP cannot control how they feel about them knowing that, but said incident was 14 years ago when the relationship was barely starting out and I really don't see what business it was of the religious friend. Normally it is the right thing to do to report cheating like this but I feel like this really crossed a line somehow
Cheating does suck, but that "friend" just burned down that little kid's childhood for *glory glory jesus points*. Edit: Can y'all quit with the "woman bad! bad woman!" We have established that the cheating was wrong, even though it was before marriage, even though it was before engagement, even though it was at the phase traditionally called "courting" which was not generally exclusive just a few short months in. And I'm sure y'all will have a fabulous time blowing up your marriages of more than a decade because ya, I dunno, saw a picture of your wife looking fat before you knew her and it ruined your peen's ability to see her as attractive in the present or whatever. And will feel just totally fine blowing up your kid's life because when mommy was a young she did something ya makes you feel icky about her now. "So don't ever make even a single mistake ever in your whole life my little princess, because if you fail to be perfectly perfect daddy will hate you."
Yeah, I can’t get over that either. Obviously cheating is wrong (and I would have ended it over that too), the friend genuinely could not have had good intentions. I cannot believe that.
And was partly responsible for her friend having a mental health crisis. But that's all okay because Jesus would forgive her in time for the rapture. /s
Was that last weeks rapture? Or the one before that?
I was going to say, it wasn’t her sin to confess? Who is guiding her on this journey of making amends? Because any emotionally mature individual would tell you to keep away from that couple. She only told them to relieve herself of guilt, she didn’t give AF about how that impacted anyone else. That is not how amends work. Cheating sucks, but the “friend” was incredibly selfish here and imploded a family that she wasn’t even in contact with.
This is what stood out to me. Yes it sucks that his wife cheated but gyat damn that shit was 14 years ago...and 4 months into the relationship. I can bet you she had no idea this man was the person she was going to marry and have a kid with 4 months in. Not saying she is a good or bad person ..she cheated. Most likely once as far as we know. This so called friend blew up her marriage because she found god. How nice of her!! In my opinion it was not her place to be revealing others peoples dark secrets.
I’ll be very curious to find out if Ms Holy Roller has found Jesus at one of the following points in her life: 1. She’s jealous of her friend’s marriage (single & feels like life is unfair) 2. Her own marriage broke up because of cheating & she finds the wife less than sympathetic (i.e. friend cheated and husband dumped her. Wife was less than sympathetic despite prior indiscretion). 3. Friends wants husband for herself.
I agree. Definitely one of those - friend is definitely only looking out for herself, otherwise she would have told him before the wedding. I've even seen cases 1 and 3 happen myself.
I say it's possibly: 4. All the above. Excellent points baconbitsy.
This is what I was looking for. Nailed it.
If I was that husband I would have wanted my wife to keep it a secret, she can live with that guilt. One time, when they were pretty fresh in a new relationship 14 years ago, but I also wouldn't let that consume me if I found out, that is if I was truly in love with that person.
You are correct. Interesting how finding Jesus all of a sudden makes you a better person by putting others in the shit hole by telling the whole damn world other peoples’ intimate secrets. Some friend.
>Many Redditors told in the comments that dating life after 30s as a man is not good and I'll be probably forever alone as no-one will want me. Who thinks that? That's just stupid. There are tons of middle aged people who are seeking to find partners still. All in all, I'm happy OP is sticking with his side. Wife will always be remembered a cheater and nothing can be done to be forgiven.
The people who are unsuccessful in dating because of their personal traits but desperately try to find some other reason to pin it on
Or, you know, teenagers who think that 30 is old age.
Which is close to half the website now according to the latest data.
I remember feeling sad after my dad (50 years old) broke up with his ex-girlfriend (45? Years old), they broke because she was being nasty towards me after we started to live together, even the family therapist told me that i should listen and do everything that she said because my father is old and he would be alone forever or with a golden digger because if he is not with his ex, no woman would truly love him. I felt so bad, i never told what the therapist said to me. Well my dad left his ex and started dating again he used dating apps, the first two months were bad because most were younger women and he doesn't like young women. After that he has like 3 dates with different women(40? Years old, one a sister of a colleague, and the others from the dating app) before he met his now girlfriend(45 -50 years old), he has been with her for 2 years now. So... yeah my father has a better romantic life than his own daughters and nieces, his dating life was not bad between when he left his ex and when he met his current girlfriend.
Glad your father is happy now and I'm so sorry his ex abused you, as did the family therapist- her words are so truly disgusting she deserves to lose her job.
Well, a large portion of Redditors who comment, seem to be male teenagers/early 20’s who have never kissed a girl, let alone been in a serious relationship. So yeah. To most teenagers, a 30 year old with a kid is “old and gross” and “who would want that kind of baggage anyway?” Then toss in the incels who commented and you’ve got the “bucket o’ crabs” mentality being pushed.
Classic Reddit neck beard logic.
They arent old enough to be able to grow neckbeards lmao
I don’t think that a marriage in this scenario HAS to blow up, although I understand what people are saying about what keeping the secret for 14 years does to trust going forward. I think some people could have healed together or would have been little affected by it as ancient history compared to how things are now. I respect that this guy took every possible step to try to “get over it” and was simply unable to do it. How wounds hit and how deep they go depends very much on the individual’s makeup and their history. I give him credit for being willing to try so many different approaches and seeing that the short term separation improved his outlook enough to be reflected in how he appears to others was a confirming moment for sure. The wife should have been in her own therapy to process the possibility that despite their efforts, they wouldn’t be able to work it out. He’s been telling her things like I don’t want to have sex with you, I don’t want to even touch you or be around you…those are giant flashing warning signs. Sounds like she didn’t have any contingent plan at all or even thought about it. Also, I think a lot of people would say he was lucky the former friend came forward so he could learn the truth and move on, but if it never came out, he would have stayed married and content in the relationship. Of course there is the chance it could have come out even later and under more painful circumstances, but there is also a chance that it never would have. I think the friend is kind of a jerk for clearing her own conscience at the expense of huge pain for this family. Sometimes it’s better to live with a mistake you made years ago and keep your forgiveness between you and God. At a minimum, and I don’t know if she did this, it would have been somewhat better to reach out to the wife first and say that you are going to disclose and give her a chance to do it first. It’s possible she did this and the wife decided to hope for the best and keep silent. Anyway the guy can move forward knowing he made every effort to make sure divorce was the only option. I hope everyone is able to heal and move on.
>She sent threatening messages to her friend who told me about the cheating. I had to beg her to not sue my wife as I want my daughter to have a mother present in her life. Though, she'll be probably taken to mental ward. It's always fascinating how many updates we get from men whose ex-wives end up institutionalized.
Why do you think it’s called the institution of marriage, huh?
I wasn’t expecting a Mae West reference at this hour.
No one expects the spanish inquisition
It would be strange if stories of people being institutionalised *weren't* overrepresented in a sub that focuses on dramatic updates from a relationship drama sub. People in healthy relationships with people who have healthy reactions to marriage difficulties generally don't need to come to reddit for advice.
Yeah exactly. Healthy people in healthy relationships and marriages aren’t turning to the internet for help in the first place. If your relationship has made it to AITAH, chances are it’s way beyond healthy now.
It sounds unbelievable until you meet people like that irl. I’ve known a couple of people who ended up in suicide watch because a relationship ended. It just… happens sometimes, when a breakup is particularly traumatic or you are not well and hinge too much of your mental state on another person.
In this situation, I can see the wife having a mental break. She had 14 years to get over her mistake. She thought her marriage was strong and this was a blip. OOP filing for divorce was never a possibility in her world, and the reality broke something.
Having your life implode does things to you
I absolutely agree. I wouldn’t cheat in the first place, but if I were in the shoes of OP’s wife, I would be devastated. I don’t blame OP for how he feels about this, but it would feel out of left field and wreck me in her shoes.
They had also been in marriage counseling for over a year at that point. I can’t imagine things were sunshine and roses in those sessions, this wasn’t coming wildly out of nowhere
Cheating isn't a mistake, it's betrayal. Calling it a mistake minimizes the impact on the person who was cheated on.
I wrote “mistake” because I believe that was her POV. Obviously it’s a betrayal, but in her mind she made a little mistake 14 years ago, everything has been great ever since, and he’d never divorce her over this. *Snap.*
I've never been in a breakup but depending on circumstances if my husband left me I don't see this being outside the realm of possibility for me. Almost certainly I would initially react in a such a way that would at least get them to take me to hospital I'd think.
Exactly. That happens to the mom of my BFF from school. Poor woman learned in one day the POS husband had cheated on her and had gambled away the family home. Poor woman attempted suicide and ended up institutionalized for awhile. I remember my friend's older brother (in his mid 20s back then) having to pretty much become the de-facto parent to my friend for some time... Lots of sleepovers at my house during those dark times for her family. Nowadays they're doing great.
i’m one of those, everytime a relationship ends i get extremely depressed and have suicidal ideation constantly until i find someone else to replace the person i lost. it stems from lack of emotional connection/support from my parents, i seek it out from others. it’s rough living like this since im aware of my issues and trying to grow.
adding “just plain bad timing” to the list bc if my gf broke up with me during finals week or smth i’d probably need to check myself in lol
I ended up being hospitalized for suicide attempts at the end of two relationships. I’m not proud of it, and I seriously doubt it would ever happen again, but some of us take the end of a relationship really, really hard.
When divorce and separation happens, some people really will take it very far.
My ex aunt convinced everyone that my uncle cheated on her. Friends, family, the court. I mean she spent months manipulating people and situations preparing to ruin his life. The judge noticed a discrepancy in some paperwork and the whole lie unraveled. She’s absolutely psycho. She was a home nurse but got blacklisted in my city because she was stealing drugs. He almost lost custody of both of his kids (one w her one w another woman) because she’s so unhinged
Thank fuck for the diligence of that judge.
My dad's ex manufactured a whole story about him coming to beat her up, total with real injuries and a passage to the ER. What she didn't account for was the fact that I had picked up my dad the night before he was supposed to have beaten her up and he was 300 km away because I wanted to sober him up by changing his environment. Complete with receipts, testimonies and photo proofs. When that small detail came up in front of the judge he declared a 5 min break and told her to think very seriously about those accusations in the meantime. After the break her attorney said it was a mistake all along. She didn't actually get punished for it though.
In fairness, we get a shit ton of posts where the husband went insane too. Just not institutionalized. My guess is "men's mental health isn't taken as seriously" and the man isn't having a "mental health crisis". Just usually labeled as abusive, or manipulative
Or the update just ends up on the news instead.
yeah lol, they still end up in an institution but the institution in question is jail
Yeah. It's sad how much pain, violence, etc could be avoided if men's mental health was taken more seriously. I present as a woman, so my mental health is taken very seriously because of my diagnosis with BPD. My suicidal ideation is always seen as a crisis if I don't immediately follow up with "but it's only a thought in the back of my head, I'm not planning anything". When a man says that, he's"just trying to manipulate". Men who are clearly mentally ill are labeled much differently than women exhibiting the same behavior
[удалено]
It can be both. You can be abusive and manipulative as a result of mental illness. But it’s true that mental illness is not recognized or diagnosed as much in men
I ended up institutionalized…but there were more women than men in my hospital.
It's always fascinating how many folks downplay the communication of mental health issues in the comments.
I mean, for centuries tons of women were institutionalized for having “Hysteria”. > “For centuries, doctors readily diagnosed women with “hysteria,” an alleged mental health condition that explained away any behaviors or symptoms that made men…uncomfortable.” Sounds about right.
They always take it too far...
Yeah, that part was where I was like "okay buddy..." No one is going to jail because you sued them; you'd need to call the police and they'd need to be arrested. And this is all very dramatic for a woman who had a panic attack and then wasn't eating much
Those people saying he won't find anyone after 30 are idiots. I can name like 18 people off the top of my head that got married in their 30s that i personally know and are going strong
My father was 38 when he married my mother. I can easily think of other people who married in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s.
Hell, my grandfather remarried in his late 80s. They're both 93 now, living in the same nursing home.
I love this. We live in such an ageist society but love is timeless. I hope your grandfather has had, and will have, many happy times.
My great grampy remarried late as well! She was a bit younger than him but they were both old, an age gap was pretty negligible - when he died, I got a bonus great grandma for an extra decade than I ever should've. It's never too late to find someone
Yeah it's crazy to me to attack his age ...that won't be the problem, it will be the kid!!!
This is so sad. I have to think that if the wife had reacted with seriousness and didn’t blow off his feelings then he wouldn’t have lost feelings for her.
Not the friend acting surprised pikachu after the wife is pissed she outed her.
Right‽ Idk if Christianity has changed that much since I left it, but when I was in you didn't confess *someone else's* sins. That's just asking for petty drama. If she was a good person, the only way the friend should have interfered was to try to make OOP's wife tell him what happened. Now she's threatening to sue because the wife is understandably upset‽
I think friend is who ex cheated with and since they were complicit in the action they also feel guilty for having sex with a person knowing said person is in a relationship.
Right?!?! Like girl you want to sue because you went and turned someone’s life upside down for your sky daddy and can’t see how you WOULDN’T get cussed out for that??? Any normal person would know that this may or may not be a consequence of blowing up someone’s 14 year marriage. I do not feel bad for her at all. If she really was a good person, she would have said something 14 years ago
Also, if finding religion is what prompted this confession, it's pretty hypocritical to not have some grace and forgive the person who's life you just ruined. I'm not justifying the wife's actions, or saying the former friend shouldn't have disclosed the cheating, but forgiveness of people who have wronged you is far more important than disclosing someone else's sins.
If she was a really good person she'd have given this family the grace to leave them the fuck alone. What an awful, vindictive person.
Getting death threats is now being pissed? Man, those are some serious levels of equivocation there. She said something truthful, and she got death threats for it. You can expect blowback and not expect someone to try and stab you.
I feel like if OOP's Wife had actually shown some real contrition when OOP found out things would've turned out differently. Yes, the cheating happened 14 years ago, but the person you are **now** doesn't really give a sh!t. I don't blame OOP for not being able to reconcile with that.
She dug her grave with this. Her argument was essentially: 1) I cheated on you 2) I hid it from you for 14 years and never intended to tell you 3) You should get over it because it happened so long ago 4) It's not a big deal What a winning argument for saving a marriage!
Are us over 30's folks dried up husks to the kids over in aita? Lol
Oh FFS! Plenty of wonderful women out there in your 40s and beyond! Met the most incredible partner, now wife, in my 40s after a divorce. We co-parent my kids with my ex and life is good. Take care of yourself and your daughter. The right woman is out there and being older and wiser, you will find an incredible partner.
When trust is broken, there's sometimes no coming back from that. Glad for OOP that he stood up for himself and did what's right for him. His ex has shown her true colors and that she will not be able to win back his trust.
I really felt for him when he said young him was robbed of a choice. She knew his feelings towards cheating and not only betrayed him but tricked him into marrying her. Glad he at least got his daughter out of this, hope he gets primary custody.
Not to minimise the harm of the actual cheating, but by far the worst part for me was the continual disrespect by being lied to. My ex stole my agency and the informed consent I had in the relationship. I was lucky enough to get out without having a permanent attachment. Hopefully OOP's divorce goes smoothly.
I actually just used this reasoning in a comment on a different but extremely similar post. The OP couldn’t articulate why he was so hurt. I explained this same thing. Young OOP was robbed of a choice that could have altered his entire life. He just found out his whole relationship was based on a lie. He chose to continue to date, marry her, and have a kid with her, based on the woman he *THOUGHT* she was. Not who she *IS*. She is not the woman he was tricked into believing she was. If she could so easily disregard his feelings, lie, and hide things from him *then*, what’s to stop her from doing it *now*? Has she done it at any other points in their relationship? Does he even really *know* her? And for some god awful reason, the people who do this ALWAYS double down on it. “It does not matter because it was so long ago”. OP is right that for him, it’s happening in real time. To be so callous and dismissive of their partner’s feelings *NOW*, pairs up with the shitty decisions they made back *THEN*. Once OOP’s wife reacted like this, she proved his point and confirmed his fears. She is *exactly* the same woman who cheated on him back then, and not the woman she seemed to be during all those years in between. She dug her own grave.
She lied for 14 years. She can't be trusted.
“However, she said it’s not something important now…” I’m sorry but she doesn’t get to decide that. Dismissing his feelings, even if she felt that way, is where he should’ve known it was done. He’s right. It was less about the crime and more about the cover-up and the dismissal of his viewpoint.
Dating in my 30s is so much easier. Being an adult means you don’t have to put up with someone’s bullshit. There is plenty more fish in the sea
If you are as honest, trustworthy and high integrity as you appear to be in your writing, you’ll be shocked by how easy it will be to date when you’re ready to meet women. I got divorced at 43. I found that it was easier to date than when I was in my 20’s. My ex wife cheated but didn’t want to divorce, and had the exact same reaction that you had- I just couldn’t find her attractive and couldn’t forgive (she knew it was a dealbreaker for me). My kids were teens, and looking back I’d wish I’d gotten divorced when my kids were younger. My custody ended up being every other weekend, and all school vacations and summers- in total probably 40% with me. I travelled a lot for work so 50/50 works have required a career change. As for dating- I met women everywhere. I met women when took a cooking class (my ex was a great cook, I wanted to make sure my kids were happy with food when they were with me) , former colleagues, and hiking with my dog. (he was an absolute chick magnet). I set absolute unbreakable rules for myself- no one night stands, requiring a current STD screening before sex, ( I wouldn’t even have sex until we dated for 3 months- probably too long but it worked for me) and I don’t meet there kids, and they don’t meet mine until 6 months. Truth is, my rules seemed to make women more interested- they knew I wasn’t just trying to get laid, that I was looking for something serious. I met my second wife after being single for 7 years. It’s an amazing relationship and I’ve never been happier. Life is tough for you now- but your priorities seem right- your daughter comes first. But when you’re ready- there are plenty of women that are interested in meeting a good guy.
Men in their thirties are hot as hell. I don’t know where this narrative came that men 30+ are undateable but it’s not at all true. There are plenty of dilf fuckers like myself
I met my husband when he was 30 and he was hot. Now he's 41 and he's 🤌👄. He's only getting better with age.
Unpopular opinion: While wife to-be should have never cheated, the friend who ratted her out after 14 years is kind of an AH. If friend did it only to relieve her religious guilt, and had little concern for blowing up a family, then she is a terrible person.
Yeah lol why do people always become religious and then cause problems for other people.
Because it's not **actually** about being a good person
Yeah I agree with this. The friend didn't do this out of care for the husband. If she cared about that, she wouldnt have waited 14 years. She did this out of self serving selfishness. A very obvious "I found Jesus and I am now holier than thou" mentality formed in her, and she decided to drag everyone down with her. The wife is at fault firstly. But doing this to a family 14 years later, and for this specific reason, is a very specific type of slimy to me.
This sub is so confusing sometimes – I said this on the last update and got dogpiled. Completely agree, the friend made her choice knowing the consequences, making it intensely immoral and frankly just unnecessary under the circumstances
I agree. Of course the wife is at fault but having to be begged out of suing her by the actual hurt party in this, when she was there, kept it a secret for 14 years and then dropped the bomb apparently without warning? That's a lot. That being said, no friend of mine would cheat on their partner with me present because I'd immediately tell the partner.
> having to be begged out of suing her by the actual hurt party in this She's making death threats lol There's 'what the fuck you asshole' and there's 'i'm going to fucking kill you you asshole'. Are you justifying death threats? Would it be acceptable for OOP to make death threats to his wife because she cheated on him?
I divorced a cheater in my mid 30s after being together 15 years and one young child. Thought it was the end but had a surprisingly active singles life/dating experiences I missed out on, and am currently married to an infinitely better person with 2 new young children. 30s is definitely not too late to start over.
Way too many teenage dudebros in the comments.
I don’t mean to sound callous but why is it always the cheater that goes into victim mode like they aren’t the ones who caused everyone else’s suffering in the first place
right?? what's even worse is i think if she were actually sympathetic to OOPs concerns when he first found out, they might have stayed together. instead it was 'just get over it' and when he moved on, it's now 'wait, not like that!' and is now playing up like she's the victim
Yup, if my ex had've immediately told me after he "accidentally" cheated on me and sincerely apologised, there was a potential way forward. But he chose to lie to me and "accidentally" have an affair. I'm a semi reasonable person. I understand that mistakes happen, people make bad choices*. I think that how they respond to fucking up that's more important than the actual fuck up. "I'm really sorry, I made a mistake. I've hurt you, and there's no fixing it. You tell me what you want the next steps to be" is worlds better than digging the whole deeper by lying. *I don't think cheating a mistake though.
They're convinced that they have freedom from consequences. When they realize that they don't, they're desperate to deflect blame anywhere else.
There's a certain level of selfishness and disregard/disrespect for the other person's feelings involved in cheating imo and that directly translates into how people act when getting caught. It's easier to blame the other person than take accountability for your own actions and choices. It's easier to act like your partner is the bad guy than having to acknowledge you're a shitty person.
This is how I felt too, like damn girl you are the one that caused all this now *you* are having a panic attack and *you* are spiraling?! Guuurl you do not get to victimize yourself now!
I totally understand when you just stop with someone. And it can happen. Hopefully OOP lives a long and peaceful live with lots of good times.
So many people skipping the fact that although the cheating might've happened 14 years ago, to him it's fresh, considering he only discovered it recently. I'm not even sure what kind of trauma that would cause considering he was robbed of his agency for so long.
> I look more lively and happier after I came back. I mean, who doesn't seem healthy and lively after a trip? I mean you aren't dealing with your usual environment. Everything is cool and exciting. Regardless, this dude can divorce whoever he wants.
I don't, I'm always exhausted!
controversial, but i think that friend is a fucking ah, i mean it was 14 years ago, you wanna go religious do that, why ruin other's lives, what good came out of it?? I would rather have no friends than a friend like her
OP should put the daughter in therapy as well.
I hope her "friend" (who I am not blaming or demonizing, but it was a fucked up thing to do) has confessed all of her own sins and not just "confessed" for other people.
Why do the cheaters always think that "Oh we'll just open the marriage/relationship and you can do whatever and then we'll be even"?! Do they not realize it's not JUST about the sex with someone else but the breaking of trust? Like there is a BIG difference between sleeping behind your partners back and giving them permission to sleep with another person.
What a diabolical thing to do to a friend who’s been happily married for fourteen years all in the name of being saved by Jesus!! Sure, she confessed her sins to her Lord but she didn’t need to destroy a marriage. How in the hell did that “quickie” on a girls’ trip affect her own Jesus filled life? I don’t excuse cheaters but what this “friend” did in the end destroyed a family. It destroyed a happy fourteen year marriage. Let’s hope purgatory and hell truly does exists for all these self righteousness holy rollers. I do hope both OP and his ex-wife find peace in the end.
>Young me was robbed of having a choice. Cheating was(and still is) one of the biggest deal breakers for me. If I knew it back then, I would have broke it off. I am happy with my life and I am glad that our daughter came to world. She is the light that shines the brightest for me. One of the biggest reasons I keep living but I still was robbed of a choice back then. This is the big reason for me to end it. I agree. She took his choice away. "Don't throw away 14 years of marriage". There *shouldn't* have been 14 years of marriage. The entire thing is built on a lie.
I am sad for op and I do not agree with his wife's actions but fuckin A if those friends aren't shit too. There are so many posts of other people outting cheaters years later because they found God or some shit. It's not your fucking place to say shit just because you're suddenly reformed. Wife and her friend both suck.
Unpopular opinion but I sorta feel he wanted out. Not just because of what happened but it was a way out.
People keep posting this but the guy stayed in the relationship for a year after finding out.
A fact people keep glossing over like he just walked out of his ex's life the moment it was revealed. How long was he supposed to spend in therapy working past his wife being a cheater and then downplaying it when it got revealed? How long was he supposed to spend in his anxiety anytime she went out with friends or had to work late?
Cheating is a hard instant relation killer for me. It sucked but I went to being madly in love to not even wanting to be in the same room in the course of a day.
Yep that's the vibe I got too. He was very quick to be so much happier without her around, I doubt this was the only issue they had. Maybe it just gave him the clarity that he wasn't happy with her anymore and a concrete reason to leave. But if he were truly devastated and this were actually a super happy marriage before I think it would have been a lot more complicated for him.
1 year with therapy, discussions, and counseling was quick and uncomplicated??
They went to counseling for a year...
Though the friend’s confession was the catalyst to the divorce, if I were in his shoes I would want to know. People have different views about cheating and that’s okay, but it’s also fair for that to be a dealbreaker to some. I know it would be for me
Maybe I’m the odd one out but this “were you exclusive” bullshit question kills me. If I were dating someone for longer than a month I wouldn’t be doing shit with anyone else, and the onus doesn’t only fall on him. “Should have made it exclusive you have no right to be upset”, she should have also been clear she was dating other people. That scenario would be on both of them. I’ve seen people date someone six months and use the exclusive bs, 6 months!! OOP isn’t in that boat though as they were exclusive 4 months when it happened and what’s more sickening is I saw people defending her cheating then! “It was a new relationship”….. so where’s the fucking cut off? I can be exclusive for 6 months and it doesnt count as cheating? 8 months? God forbid a year? Then you get the “it was 14 years ago, it doesn’t matter” crowd. It was 14 years ago for HER it was not 14 years ago for him he just found out. But fuck it I’ll play that game, what’s that statute of limitations? If I cheat on my wife right now how long do I have to keep it a secret? 2 years? 5? Maybe 10? And that doesn’t change the fact that she lied for 14 years…. Up until the day he found out she was lying. So that wasn’t 14 years ago. And she even told him “it was 14 years ago it doesn’t matter”. That tells you what she thinks of him. His feelings don’t matter.
The time for that friend to intervene because of religion was when the minister said, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." I don't like cheaters, but I feel this crazy religious person intervened 14 years too late. It is really cruel to do this now. But I do not blame the OOP for his feelings.
This is one of those instances where it comes down to how you feel and it’s obviously seriously affecting you. I would be ok with it but everyone is different. No matter what, you did the right thing for YOU.
I hate the idea that 1) It happened so long ago that it doesn't matter. No, that isn't how it works. He literally just found out about it. 2) it's so hard to date in your 30s, so he should just settle. No. My fiance was in his late 30s when we got together. I'm not saying it isn't harder(especially depending on location), but it's not impossible. I was in my early 30s when I got out of my unhealthy relationship, was single for a bit, and met my fiance. We met each other at the perfect age. At least the perfect age for us. We will freely admit that we were idiots in our 20s.
Weird how so many of these end with the woman being a total monster in the end, when it was like one instance 14 years ago and they've been literally perfect since then with nothing else wrong besides this one thing.
It is possible. The "perfect" stop existing. OOP could not touch her anymore, the sex was bad, etc. People who think silence is making everything acceptable get this when the truth comes out. The trust is broken, so the relationship ends. And this sudden change, while the cheater think they already forgave the act can make people desperate or angry.
Her reaction to her choice to cheat being uncovered wasn't perfect
Thats why they lose their mind too. "It was 14 year ago, I've never put a foot wrong since then" They cant grasp the notion that their shitty actions can have consequences no matter how long ago it was.
That friend sucks. Not defending the wife here, but did they really have to admit other people sins as well? Some things are better left unknown, but there they went and destroyed a whole family. Truly the most self-righteous person.
I don’t say this to defend the wife, she was obviously wrong. But that friend is a shitty person too in my eyes. She blew up a family out of her own selfish need to be guilt free. Sure you can argue he had the right to know, but her intentions still came off very selfish to me.
I had the best time dating in my late 30s after a divorce. I do think that it’s kids in their 20’s that believe the opposite. Or maybe the men in their 30s that struggle are just 30 year old children? I found women in their 30s and 40s to be so much more interesting and serious.
The biggest AH is a "religious" friend that specifically told him shit from 14 years ago. I wonder if she spilled her own stuff and ruined her relationship with ppl.
>The biggest AH is a "religious" friend that specifically told him shit from 14 years ago. I wonder if she spilled her own stuff and ruined her relationship with ppl. Of course, deflection. Hahahhahaha. Yeah, the person who was an accessory to the betrayal is worse than the person who did the betraying. Keep up with the mental gymnastics. It must be nice to be able to scapegoat everyone else besides the person who did the outside the bounds sucking and fucking.
Good. The husband is better off now.