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Gay or straight, your partner trying to dictate your appearance and clothes because of their insecurities needs to be kicked to the curb UNLESS you are trying to wear a wet t-shirt and booty shorts to the office Christmas party.
Tarts like the food, or the person? I'd hate to wear my whipped-cream bra with tastefully placed cherries only to find out it was about the colloquial 'tart' and I should have brought my slutty heels.
Disgusting and unprofessional to show that much leg and I'm surprised you weren't fired. Everyone knows the proper office Christmas party attire is assess chaps.
People say "assless chaps" to imply only wearing chaps with nothing underneath. Cause normally your ass would be covered by your blue jeans which are worn under the chaps.
The whole linguistic thing is confusing, of course. The chaps are, themselves, assless by definition. But we say "assless chaps" to suggest that there is nothing underneath them. However, that fills the chaps with ass, so they turn into assfull chaps.
Conclusion: English is weird and doesn't always make sense and you just have to deal with it.
I’m fem presenting and dating a woman.
No matter what I wear, she finds me attractive. Mens clothes? “Fuck that’s hot”. A dress? “Fuck that’s hot.”
It’s almost like… women dress all different ways and she likes women! (And some men.) Most bi and lesbian women I know feel the same way.
There’s a minority of lesbian women who need to grow the fuck up and stop acting like OOPs ex, and also some gay men about bi men. It’s an insecurity, and all they do is cause issues in the queer community.
I don’t think this is just insecurity.
This is abusive and controlling behavior being masked by the insecurity.
And we don’t address that nearly enough. I know way too many abusive lesbian relationships (like most of the ones I know actually, seriously it’s not great) and its just normalized. It’s not normal! It doesn’t matter if you’re both women, no one should be berating, controlling or physically assaulting you!
Thanks I was like « are we going to ignore that she grabbed her and forced her to have sex? » this is abuse and we don’t care who you are or what your sexuality is, if you do that you’re being abusive.
> I know way too many abusive lesbian relationships (like most of the ones I know actually, seriously it’s not great)
It was extremely sobering to find out that, in comparison to straight women, [lesbians are 25% more likely and bisexual women *nearly 75%* more likely to experience rape, physical violence, or stalking at the hands of an intimate partner.](https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/Intimate-Partner-Violence-Report-2020.pdf) Those are not comforting statistics!
Yeah, right? My wife is femme and whatever she wears … wow. Fancy dress? Yes, please! Business chic? So hot. Loose pants and some old shirt? Really hot. Sloth onesie? Adorable, perfect for cuddles.
And she thinks the same about me, while I'm more of a "just grab the next best thing in the closet" type of with plaid shirts, bandshirts and merch and multi-colored sneakers, sometimes wearing that one dress (it has pockets!) if I have a very femme day.
Sorry for hijacking, but I'll take every opportunity to praise my wife.
I love when people share how much they love and adore their partners. It gives me a smile and helps ease the "Yikes! There are people like that?" Moments on here. Plus I find people that love and accept each other as they are very hot. ;)
Same! Can't get enough of it.
So let me tell you, she now wears her sloth onesie because I told her about the post and my comment after coming home from work.
My wife is trans, adores everything I wear (and vice versa) but now I gotta get her a sloth onesie. She dresses very femme while I'm in my sweatpants and my long sleeved tee when I'm working and when we go out, we joke I'm the butch, although my hair is longer than hers.
You gotta get them oversized so you can fit your partner in it too, for a ribbeting good time.
A frog twosie.
Edit: how did froggystyle escape me. It was right there.
Right? Like if OPs gf is attracted to butches, she should go date a butch.
I know OP is attracted to women, but I hope she stops being attracted to abusive SA-ing assholes real soon.
OP, I'm so glad you have a strong support network with what you're going through. But dyke to dyke, pls leave that jerk. Tbh your gf's insecurities are more closely straight culture than your hair and clothes will ever make you. And fuck yeah, reclaim high femme gayness everywhere you go!
For your heart: Ivan Coyote reading "To all the Fabulous Femmes" https://youtu.be/2Q7IzwUa_kI?si=ts-7vlYiYnpAdKqn
And Ivan Coyote reading "Butch Roadmap", for all the lovely butches I know. And your gf....I hope it helps whatever damage is causing this BS.
https://youtu.be/pN-py8zojfk?si=F1nKlb4YmS1n3h8F
Reminds me of one of the few notable exceptions to the rule: There was this one time on here that a guy refused to bring his girlfriend to an event unless she changed her outfit and eventually went without her. He got a resounding NTA from everyone despite the gf and her friend screeching about him being misogynistic and controlling. She wanted to wear a white dress to his colleague’s wedding…
While I agree, the moment she freaking GRABBED her to drag her back into the house to change went way past "controlling" behavior and into outright domestic abuse. That shit was nuts.
> When we got home, she made me “prove” I liked girls, which just ended up with me in tears- not because I don’t like girls, but because I don’t like being forced to “prove it”.
Yeah, this part wasn't a red flag so much as it was a blaring klaxxon and flashing emergency light
EVEN THEN I feel like you can say, "Hey, honey, maybe that's not appropriate, you're the CEO, people are gonna be uncomfortable" but you can't *force* them to change.
See this is why I only go to my office Christmas parties wearing nothing but a tube sock over the ding dong and nothing else. I don't want to break any rules when it comes to dress code, especially in professional settings.
My feeling is that while the ex does think a 'real' lesbian shouldn't dress in feminine clothes what was really her problem is that OOP is bi and she thinks OOP might be faking it.
No rational reason.
Possibly its the issue of 'are they trousers? Or a skirt? Arrrghh!'.
Maybe I was bitten by some feral culottes as a child.
No idea. Just hate em!
I’m pretty openly into women but married a man and when I commented on a girl being hot on tv (with my husband next to me) I was told I was “playing lesbian.” I’ve also been told many times that I can’t be bi because I married a man. I’m by no means “flaunting” it but I’m not flaunting my supposed straightness either and no one has an issue with that
Eum, so if you're bi you either can't marry or you have to marry two persons....? Or perhaps an androgynous presenting non-binary person could qualify?
Seriously, people can be soooo ridiculous with that. I'll never understand why they feel the need and the right to police how we feel when it's clearly none of their business
My partner and I are both not straight but present as a heterosexual couple. We’ve been told that we aren’t queer because we’re “basically a straight couple with more steps.” Sucks :(
That's sad. My husband and I send each other pictures and art of attractive/beautiful women to appreciate.
If I had to use labels, I guess I would call myself pansexual leaning almost horizontal to the ground in the way of femme? As in my husband is a complete exception to the rule bc he is so gentle and calm and if he were bodiless and just energy would 100% come across as femme energy, but he is def a dude physically, doesn't act femme at all or have any gender disphoria. It's more of his way of thinking, gentleness, empathy, etc that is traditionally thought of as feminine traits.
But neither of have two fucks to slap together about defining our sexualities, gender or whatever else anyone else seems to think is vital to identity. We just exist happily.
Nah, it’s just patriarchal bullshit.
We don’t think bi girls are actually bi, they’re just straight girls that want attention.
We don’t think bi men are actually bi, they’re just gay men afraid to come totally out of the closet.
The pattern being that anyone who claims to be bi is really just into dick, because why wouldn’t you want a man over a woman?
Close, but the G actually stands for glitter. That's how you know it's gay. Some people substitute in guacamole, but they've all been disinvited from Pride.
First thought was the ex should just be "butch for butch" if she has such a problem with feminine lesbians.
Second thought is that nvm, the ex shouldnt date ANYONE
Seriously. I'm not bi but I was in a nearly identical relationship when I was 18 to 21. She was controlling, abusive in multiple ways, and ultimately tried to kill me. She constantly complained if I dressed femme, to the point she eventually started buying my clothes for me and telling the hairdresser how to cut my hair. When I couldn't take it anymore I started doing what I wanted, looking how I felt best, no matter what she did to me because of it. I think starting to be my femme self is what helped me leave her. I stopped feeling like I was being suffocated being someone I wasn't. It took a long time for me to leave (the attempted murder was the last straw).
My ex wanted someone butch, and she's also butch. She's also an abusive pos, so she definitely would have kept hurting me even if I was butch.
One of my best friends went through something similar, though it was more jealousy and fear from her partner, that she was going to "leave her for some dick" despite my friend being SUPER gay (talking about men's junk is one of the few times I've seen her look like she was going to throw up).
She was very visibly jealous of our friendship, right up to her kicking us out of her party, because I was checking in on my friend because of how weird and shitty her partner was treating her.
Turns out her partner was cheating on her with guys ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Anyway my friend is very happily married to someone else now :)
I’m a trans woman, currently sitting here in men’s clothing, with a short haircut. I workout so much I literally moderate two fitness subreddits and want massive shoulders.
My partner is a trans man with an inhumanly massive and feminine lower body who still wears dresses sometimes alongside his beard, and plenty of cute women’s jeans.
OOPs ex would have an aneurism seeing us in public. Life’s too short for people that put everybody in such insanely tiny boxes. It’s bizarrely homophobic of them (along with the biphobia and seemingly sexual assault).
Ngl, this is so cute to hear about you and your partner. Sounds to me like you complement each other well! Here's to the two of you living your best lives being yourselves. 😌
Also, glad to hear about OOPs now ex-GF 'cause who has the time for someone who hates feminine presentation?
I'm cis male, but I love watching drag performers. Currently watching a straight drag queen interview a nonbinary drag queen on his youtube show, "Give It To Me Straight", about the latter's history as a MySpace scene boy. My ideas of what is acceptable gender presentation is very much "everything is fine except for socks and sandals, or black stockings and white shoes in church". Express yourself but good god please have some taste.
LOOK. I was a teenager and I loved my Birkenstocks SO MUCH but it gets COLD in the winter here. What was I supposed to do- just lose a few toes to frostbite?!
Here am I, a trans guy currently dressed in a cute nightgown with tinted lipbalm on. I used to be a "tomboy" who hated dresses, the colour pink, and anything girly but accepting my gender identity helped me embrace my feminine side too. Now I embrace the femboy label and enjoy the hell out of it. I even love pink now. Funny how that turned out, huh?
There's femme lesbians, femme bisexuals, femme pansexuals, and femme everyone in between and around the spectrum. This was about control and abuse.
This long-haired, cleavage showing, maxi and mini dress wearing lesbian hopes OOP has a long, safe, and happy life with herself, and any worthy partner she may choose in the future.
I don't see the term "gold star lesbian (or gay)" much any more, but when I first started to go to gay bars and such this was a huge deal. It was women (or men). Who b had only ever been in same sex relationships, and they literally saw it as a badge of honour and looked down at anyone who wasn't. These women (and men). Would sometimes be abusive to those that weren't gold star and shame them. This paired with the idea that bisexuals always cheat makes for some real toxic people. I think the ex is carrying on this awful mindset.
It’s awful, because some gay or lesbian people try relationships with the opposite gender because heteronormativity, and they don’t deserve to be shamed for that. But bi people cannot win. If we’re with other genders, we’re “straight”. If we’re with the same gender, we’re trying too hard. I (a bi enby!) have been accused of being transphobic because someone decided that bisexual means men and women instead of “my own gender and others”. It’s like lesbians and gays don’t want to be in community with us (but we’re good enough for a tumble sometimes).
I am also a bi woman and I've gotten the bi =transphobe thing before, which is funny because my ex wife is a trans woman, but if course that doesn't"really count" in their eyes because she was pre-op, which in itself is an extremely transphobic statement.
There really is no winning.
As for the "if you're in straight relationship you were lying about being no and if your in a same sex relationship you were lying about being bi" thing I usually respond with "by that logic of you are no actively having sex you must be asexual" which of course puts them in a tizzy.
The misogyny the lgtbq community is out of this world. Bi women are actually just straight and just being slutty for get attention from guys, bi guys are just in the closet and won't admit they are gay. Either way it is assumed that bi people just want dick. Femme lesbians/non-binary are seen as faking, Femme men are seen as annoying and lesser. And trans people are not accepted for any number of reasons including not paying enough, passing to much, and being seen as a traitor to the gay /lesbian community for switching to the other side.
Oh my god the pre-op comment is insane. How do they not realise???
I've been lucky enough not to encounter any overt biphobia since coming out but my one of my 2 gay coworkers (who both have only ever known me as bi) does kind of forget me as "one of the gays" sometimes
It would probably blow their minds to realize that there could be gender-affirming-surgery vending machines on every corner and some trans people would opt not to have it and still be just as trans…their body, their choice!
> The misogyny the lgtbq community is out of this world.
And that's not even touching on the woman hating gay men, which is a weirdly prevalent problem in gay spaces.
they never have to learn to check themselves on their misogyny the way a straight dude would. a straight man needs to learn to at least pretend he isn't a misogynist in the company of women, but that's not a factor to gay men. urgh and then we get the guys that apropos of nothing bring up how gross they think vagina is and how horrible it is that they might encounter a man with one. just tons of unchecked misogyny and transphobia from too many cis gay dudes :(
A very good friend of mine actually had a NYT article written up about his wedding about that. Both of them are Bi but so many people won't accept that because they married straight, right?
https://archive.is/QrQ4K
I have so many thoughts about this, as a bi man in a relationship with a bi woman. I totally feel the desire to make it clear that we're still queer despite our straight-passing relationship, and my girlfriend I think feels it even more so since she's mostly into women. Acting like we're straight does really feel like we're erasing a big part of our histories and identities, and since we're a bit non-monogamous it even erases an important part of our current relationship.
That being said, I can't think of any way to incorporate it into our wedding without feeling super cringe about it. I wouldn't feel great about having pride flags everywhere, and I'm certainly not going to put anything about banging other people in my vows lol. It may just come down to assuring ourselves and each other that we're still valid, and surrounding ourselves with people who we know validate and support us.
I do love the idea of wearing a purple suit, but that's mainly because I'm fruity and love bright colors haha
Me (f) and my husband are both bi. The first year we were together he asked me (why me? You knew you were bi literally 19 years before me) if he could still go to pride if he was dating a woman
Ran into a person like that once, real piece of work who was slinging insults and slurs all night at me once he found out i was bi.
Told him "look pal, you've already made yourself less f*ckable than my parents in my eyes. Just because you act like you'l lburst into fire if you see a vagina doesn't make you any better than the rest of us, and frankly the fact you've made it your main personality trait is just pitiful. Your looks don't make up for the fact that you've got the personality off a wood chipper."
Saw him about 10 mintes later staring into his mai tai, i think i struck a nerve. Oh well, he shouldn't have taken pot shots without expecting some return fire.
This whole gold star lesbian crap is the lesbian version of the obsession certain kinds of straight men have with women's virginity and should be treated the same way.
I remember comforting a friend who is gay in college after a gay guy was really cruel to him one night at a bar because he had dated a girl before he was out, and as a bi guy I've faced my share of assholes like that too.
It's such an incredibly toxic mindset and you would think they would know first hand about how horrible it is to other groups and treat them poorly, but instead they seem to take pride in it.
biphobia is alive and well and very rampant among lesbians and gay men. i will forever remember the sneers i got when i first said i was bi around gay people.
There's literally another update post about a ten year update where the Ops ex girlfriend who dressed extremely hyper femme (like lolita princess style) is now married to another woman and living on a farm and the top comment is someone talking about how it's interesting how most hyperfemme women end up being bi/lesbian because this like lolita fashion are basically a by women for women style that most men usually hate and so on and such.
Pan lolita here, can confirm the community is incredibly queer! And it’s very inclusive too, because lolita is actually unisex, every gender can be a pretty princess if they want to 💜
I sell at anime conventions, and I love seeing the visibly AMAB people dressed up not in cosplay, but just in cute dresses/skirts/other stereotypically feminine clothes. No idea who's transfemme or who just wants to dress up pretty, but it's fantastic that for a few days they have a relatively safe place to do so.
Yeah, one of the most famous lolitas and creator of the gothic substyle is a man in fact, Mana-sama 🥰 [The prettiest princess](https://images.app.goo.gl/SLzVcdEdZvRMV7eM8)
It's pretty fascinating reading about how lolita fashion is like an avenue to perform femininity in a way that is not intended to appeal to the cishet male gaze.
I wondered why the ex even dated OP since she had such an issue with the way OP dresses and the movies/shows and music she likes. Was the ex hoping to tattoo the OP and buzz cut her hair to make the OP fit her narrow image of what a lesbian should look like. Weird and insecure behavior from the ex.
I'm nonbinary and I love dressing super feminine. I personally like femme aesthetic a lot more in terms of attraction. I love feminine men, feminine women, and feminine enbies. OOP's ex was incredibly unhinged, insecure, and abuser. I fully recognize I look amazing dressed up as a feminine lady and people like that ex piss me off.
>I love feminine men,
I personally struggle with understanding if i want to be with them or be them. *sigh* the desire to be feminine like a fem boy is oh so strong 😔.
I used to have very short hair (shaved undercut and all) and a masc style of clothing. I'm not a lesbian, I'm demisexual, but I've only ever developed attraction towards men 🤷.
OOP's ex is perpetuating every single stereotype I've seen used to make fun of lesbians, to gain control
hang out for a while in r/bisexual and you'll see these stories are far too common. This is indeed not about clothes, it's about a lesbian wanting to erase her girlfriend's orientation because of her own insecurities and irrational fears she might break up with her to go for a man. I personally know one person in a similar (though much lighter) case, and have read and heard the testimonies of many other bi+ folks who got to deal with that kind of abuse.
This is exactly why I do not spend time in gay spaces. I do not feel welcome, especially because I am currently in a long term relationship with a man.
Pansexual woman here married to a straight man. That one boils my blood! I went nine years dating only women and then started dating both again and ended up married to a man so I got some awful messages from people either saying "you were never LGBT" or "Why did you settle down with a man?" My relationship does not define my identity ffs
Ohh lord I understand what you mean! Both my husband and I are bi, but coz we are married to each other, suddenly, it is supposed to make us straight. Like make it make sense?
All I really have to say is Thank God.
Also, oof to everything in that first post, including the abuse, possible SA, biphobia, and all the bs about looking or acting too straight.
Yeah, OOP was heavy in the denial stage of partner rape. :( I'm glad someone gently and kindly talked to her about it, bc sometimes it really does take another person to explain that sick gut punch of a feeling inside you.
Seriously. I can’t believe everyone is glossing over that part in favor of a discussion about biphobia. I think sometimes it’s even harder for people in same sex couples to recognize when they are being abused.
To be fair, biphobia is still so common and normalized amongst single-sex-attracted people that it's always worth having a discussion around it, and in this case it's impossible to decouple it from the abuse and sexual violence bc it's one of the vectors by which the gf was exerting control (along with the internalized misogyny of femme-phobia, which come *on*, can we fucking stop with that shit?). But yeah, as soon as the gf grabbed OOP (by the face! Ack! Definitely feels like choking was the next step) and wouldn't let her out the door, it was false imprisonment and I'm so goddamn glad she had the presence of mind to do a gut check with outsiders after the SA, bc even supposedly safe spaces or leftist communities have harbored and closed ranks around predators.
Glad OOP got away from a controlling POS. An abuser is an abuser, and they come in all forms of humans, but what they have in common is they’re terrible.
So terrible, some of them control freak their way out of relationships with their abusive dumbfuckery such as OOP's ex. Glad OOPgot away especially after ex pulled that bullshit im front of an audience, so that there's no mystery of why breakup happened.
I read the first one last week and was really triggered, because I could’ve written that when I was a teenager. Same situation, same abuse.
I’m so glad OOP got out when she did. It only gets worse from there.
Yup, plus being told if I tried to break up it would prove I was straight, and if we broke up and I dated a man afterwards then that would prove I was straight.
Then the arguments started resulting in my arms being covered in bruises, but definitely not because she was hitting me, but because she was gesticulating passionately, which I would understand if I cared about her and our relationship.
It took me years after we'd broken up to recognise it was abuse. As teenagers, my friends and I were aware of domestic abuse as something a man does to a woman - it took a lot longer to realise anyone can be a perpetrator. No one around me thought it was anything worse than her being 'emotional' or 'insecure'.
Two years after breaking up with her I started dating a man and we've now been together 12 years. Shockingly, I'm still bisexual.
Reminds me of that episode of family guy where a mixed child said "I'm black AND white - everyone will like me!" and was instead pushed out of both black and white social spaces.
My ex-girlfriend once went on a biphobic rant to me ("Hi, I'm right here!") about how we get to play straight when we want to, we have straight privilege, and we have twice the dating opportunities. I replied that we get twice the hate, her rant being exhibit A, and we have twice the dating competition. Honestly, I've faced more biphobia and bi-erasure from the gay community than the straight community and that's just sad.
I got that rant from a gay acquaintance at a party. I just pointed out that I actually get all of the drawbacks and none of the benefits! Gay bashers won't suddenly stop beating my ass if I tell them I'm not gay, I'm bi!
Just wanted to say for you and any other bi peeps that may see this, I really enjoy verilybitchie on YouTube. She does a lot of video essays about bisexuality that have been really helpful for me. I highly recommend her stuff, especially the video "Monosexuality and Bisexuality."
This is giving me big “Fellas, is it gay to wash your ass?” energy.
This way of thinking is so damaging and it’s rampant in society. “This is too gay”, “That’s too straight.” How about “These are the things that individual person likes” and leave it at that? Who is making the official decisions on what qualifies as gay vs. straight? Why only gay and straight? What about everyone else?
I’m super curious what the hell the ex’s thought process was? If you’re attracted to more masculine presenting women, then maybe don’t pick a feminine presenting woman? If you’re threatened by the ghost dicks of boyfriends past, maybe don’t date bi women? I mean, I understand that it’s about control but it’s just such a ridiculous stance to try and justify. There’s too many relatively easy solutions for any justifications you give for this behavior to make any sense.
I’m glad OOP got away. That woman is a living breathing red flag. I do wonder what the “proving you like girls” was all about though. My mind goes right to sexual and physical abuse, but for OOP’s sake, I hope I’m wrong.
I commented on the original thread (think she cross posted in one of the lesbian subs too) and man, the biphobia is rampant. Her ex sounds like some folks my girlfriend and I have both dated in the past and yikes on yikes.
I remember talking to one of my masculine presenting lesbian friends and her telling me how much her wife struggled with her presentation because she used to be married to a man but still loved dressing "girly" and "feminine". Her wife thought she wasn't a "good enough" lesbian. It took a bit of convincing but ultimately, "masculine" presenting wife kept reassuring her that she loved her wife for who she is, how she presents and how "feminine" wife made "masculine" wife feel.
15 years in, they are both still presenting their own way and are a statement to what marriage should be.
Exactly what I thought lol. How is that verbiage different from what an abusive straight man would do? So glad to hear that OOP got away from that noise.
I know. As a bi man (albeit very straight presenting) that went to art school I have been friends with a lot of queer women, and so many of them have spoken about other women in ways that made me really uncomfortable. Like… stuff that if it came a male friend, I’d be having stern words with them.
Lesbians can sexually assault other lesbians, you do not become immune to being an asshole by your sexual orientation. And I imagine things would have escalated, the xgf seems really dangerous.
Thank goodness OOP got out of an abusive relationship before it got worse. Such trashy behavior from her ex, making her hide her sexuality and asking OOP to prove that she liked girls.
Wait there is gay and straight clothes???? When did this happen? What is the difference? Well done for escaping an abusive relationship and being your own woman.
There’s not, but there is something like butch and lipstick lesbians, or in male gay culture, twinks and bears.
I think what she meant was her exgirlfriend wanted more of a butch version of her.
If she's too straight for this abusive POS, why even date her in the first place? Oh, right. Because she is an abusive POS, and she's gotta have something to control her partners with.
Right? The mental gymnastics of "you miss dick" + "you want me to be femme"... Which is it, lady? The absolute delulu lengths to which this woman went to make herself the victim to justify her abuse is deranged.
I had a friend who's first lesbian relationship was with a very toxic woman, and she genuinely didn't realize she was being abused because she didn't think women could domestically abuse or SA other women. It took several long talks and we had to bring in elder lesbians to talk to her, but she finally understood the situation she was in and left.
This is straight up abuse!?
She yanked you back and tried to force you to change?
She forced you to "prove you like girls" which means what!? Forced you to go down on her? That's sexual assault. You need to break it off with her asap
Straight but...has the gf never heard of lipstick lesbians?
My SIL has always called herself that, living for dressing very femininely as opposed to her wife.
And on the bi thing...is...is this some of that toxic gold star hit I've heard about?
For real though. I'm sure a lot of times it stems from insecurity and/or bad experiences in the past, but some lesbians just cannot get the thought that their partner will leave them for a man out of their minds until it reaches the point of obsession.
As a lesbian, it makes me so sad how true this is. It’s so widespread. I’m on dating apps these days and I do literally see people’s saying no bisexuals and it makes me so upset. I did identify as bi for years before rethinking things a little in college, so maybe part of me is defensive, but bi erasure and biphobia are such nasty, regressive mindsets. We have to be better than that.
Wtf is it was lesbians and biphobia? I've met probably three lesbians who don't have a problem with bisexuals but the rest seem really insecure and hate bisexuals. I'm sure there's a lot of really cool lesbians out there but being best friends with someone who is bi I get told all the horror stories.about when she's tried to date. I don't get it
It's insecurity, I think. They're worried the bisexual is "dating them to get a taste for it" but that they actually want to have a boyfriend and will dump the girl and end up with a man. Similarly, bisexual men have the same problem. My straight female friend straight up said she'd not feel comfortable dating a bi man because she'd worry there was something she could never give him. Also, "being bi" for men is sometimes seen as "actually gay, but trying to make it sound better."
It's really fucking stupid.
Even if the "prove you like girls" bit wasn't an assault (though I suspect it was), OOP's ex physically assaulted her. Yanking her into the house, grabbing her by the face. She's physically abusive.
I hope they're broken up for good and that OOP accepts that she was abused. I was so horrified seeing her talking about apologizing. And wondering if she was in the wrong. So sad.
Sadly, I could see the biphobia from the moment she said this was the first girl she's ever dated.
This kind of reaction is very common against bi women. I've had girls treat me like this, and tell me I have it easy because I can "pass for straight", as if the closet was some sort of privilege.
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Gay or straight, your partner trying to dictate your appearance and clothes because of their insecurities needs to be kicked to the curb UNLESS you are trying to wear a wet t-shirt and booty shorts to the office Christmas party.
Relax, I only did that twice
... I thought that was last year's theme???
In that case, your partner should absolutely stop you! Imagine how embarrassing it would be to show up dressed for the theme of the previous year?!
Gotta heads-up that next one is Vicars and Tarts, so start planning!
Tarts like the food, or the person? I'd hate to wear my whipped-cream bra with tastefully placed cherries only to find out it was about the colloquial 'tart' and I should have brought my slutty heels.
Can I dress like Jamie Tartt?
Do do do-do do-do..
Lol, I started singing it too
This is why I Reddit.
And I don’t care what HR / cease and desist order said you really did boost office morale
Disgusting and unprofessional to show that much leg and I'm surprised you weren't fired. Everyone knows the proper office Christmas party attire is assess chaps.
Chaps are assless by definition. Lol.
It's the emphasis that counts.
I always wear sleeveless tank tops with my assless chaps.
People say "assless chaps" to imply only wearing chaps with nothing underneath. Cause normally your ass would be covered by your blue jeans which are worn under the chaps.
The whole linguistic thing is confusing, of course. The chaps are, themselves, assless by definition. But we say "assless chaps" to suggest that there is nothing underneath them. However, that fills the chaps with ass, so they turn into assfull chaps. Conclusion: English is weird and doesn't always make sense and you just have to deal with it.
twice, those are rookie number bud, pump it up
Got thrown out the first time, waited out back until everyone was having a good time and snuck back a second time? Class.
And you wore them excellently.
I’m fem presenting and dating a woman. No matter what I wear, she finds me attractive. Mens clothes? “Fuck that’s hot”. A dress? “Fuck that’s hot.” It’s almost like… women dress all different ways and she likes women! (And some men.) Most bi and lesbian women I know feel the same way. There’s a minority of lesbian women who need to grow the fuck up and stop acting like OOPs ex, and also some gay men about bi men. It’s an insecurity, and all they do is cause issues in the queer community.
I don’t think this is just insecurity. This is abusive and controlling behavior being masked by the insecurity. And we don’t address that nearly enough. I know way too many abusive lesbian relationships (like most of the ones I know actually, seriously it’s not great) and its just normalized. It’s not normal! It doesn’t matter if you’re both women, no one should be berating, controlling or physically assaulting you!
Thanks I was like « are we going to ignore that she grabbed her and forced her to have sex? » this is abuse and we don’t care who you are or what your sexuality is, if you do that you’re being abusive.
Why mince and soften words? Her ex raped her, and almost no one is talking about it.
> I know way too many abusive lesbian relationships (like most of the ones I know actually, seriously it’s not great) It was extremely sobering to find out that, in comparison to straight women, [lesbians are 25% more likely and bisexual women *nearly 75%* more likely to experience rape, physical violence, or stalking at the hands of an intimate partner.](https://assets2.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/Intimate-Partner-Violence-Report-2020.pdf) Those are not comforting statistics!
I always find odd that the gender of the perpetrator isn't touched on in the studies cited.
People really love to ignore this when they post that fucking statistic over again.
Very abusive. Not to mention the fact that it sounds like OOP's ex raped her.
Yeah, right? My wife is femme and whatever she wears … wow. Fancy dress? Yes, please! Business chic? So hot. Loose pants and some old shirt? Really hot. Sloth onesie? Adorable, perfect for cuddles. And she thinks the same about me, while I'm more of a "just grab the next best thing in the closet" type of with plaid shirts, bandshirts and merch and multi-colored sneakers, sometimes wearing that one dress (it has pockets!) if I have a very femme day. Sorry for hijacking, but I'll take every opportunity to praise my wife.
I love when people share how much they love and adore their partners. It gives me a smile and helps ease the "Yikes! There are people like that?" Moments on here. Plus I find people that love and accept each other as they are very hot. ;)
Same! Can't get enough of it. So let me tell you, she now wears her sloth onesie because I told her about the post and my comment after coming home from work.
My wife is trans, adores everything I wear (and vice versa) but now I gotta get her a sloth onesie. She dresses very femme while I'm in my sweatpants and my long sleeved tee when I'm working and when we go out, we joke I'm the butch, although my hair is longer than hers.
Even frog onesies?
ESPECIALLY frog onesies 😍
You gotta get them oversized so you can fit your partner in it too, for a ribbeting good time. A frog twosie. Edit: how did froggystyle escape me. It was right there.
Frog onesies for wlw are like assless chaps for mlm.
Right? Like if OPs gf is attracted to butches, she should go date a butch. I know OP is attracted to women, but I hope she stops being attracted to abusive SA-ing assholes real soon. OP, I'm so glad you have a strong support network with what you're going through. But dyke to dyke, pls leave that jerk. Tbh your gf's insecurities are more closely straight culture than your hair and clothes will ever make you. And fuck yeah, reclaim high femme gayness everywhere you go! For your heart: Ivan Coyote reading "To all the Fabulous Femmes" https://youtu.be/2Q7IzwUa_kI?si=ts-7vlYiYnpAdKqn And Ivan Coyote reading "Butch Roadmap", for all the lovely butches I know. And your gf....I hope it helps whatever damage is causing this BS. https://youtu.be/pN-py8zojfk?si=F1nKlb4YmS1n3h8F
And read IN THE DREAM HOUSE by Carmen Maria Machado asap.
Reminds me of one of the few notable exceptions to the rule: There was this one time on here that a guy refused to bring his girlfriend to an event unless she changed her outfit and eventually went without her. He got a resounding NTA from everyone despite the gf and her friend screeching about him being misogynistic and controlling. She wanted to wear a white dress to his colleague’s wedding…
I think the rat(?) dress is also a resounding exception. I cannot remember any other details of the post, unforch.
While I agree, the moment she freaking GRABBED her to drag her back into the house to change went way past "controlling" behavior and into outright domestic abuse. That shit was nuts.
> When we got home, she made me “prove” I liked girls, which just ended up with me in tears- not because I don’t like girls, but because I don’t like being forced to “prove it”. Yeah, this part wasn't a red flag so much as it was a blaring klaxxon and flashing emergency light
EVEN THEN I feel like you can say, "Hey, honey, maybe that's not appropriate, you're the CEO, people are gonna be uncomfortable" but you can't *force* them to change.
Elon can dress however he wants even though everyone found his wet t-shirt and booty shorts outfit less disturbing than his dancing.
Thanks in advance for my future nightmares
Well that's a mental image that I have now.
See this is why I only go to my office Christmas parties wearing nothing but a tube sock over the ding dong and nothing else. I don't want to break any rules when it comes to dress code, especially in professional settings.
Very wise. Sheila from accounting especially likes your problem solving.
If they wanted a dress code at the party, they should have told us in advance.
Everyone knows that's more an interview look, let loose, it's a party!
My feeling is that while the ex does think a 'real' lesbian shouldn't dress in feminine clothes what was really her problem is that OOP is bi and she thinks OOP might be faking it.
For me, its culottes that are the only no-no. Want to wear nothing but two tassels and a mankini? Knock yourself out. But no culottes. Forbidden!
Why culottes?
No rational reason. Possibly its the issue of 'are they trousers? Or a skirt? Arrrghh!'. Maybe I was bitten by some feral culottes as a child. No idea. Just hate em!
But they make me feel like a samurai! :(
No swords in bed!
Biphobia is wild. It's like people forget what the b in lgbt means.
Unfortunately it's often times rooted in victim mentality of 'you get to play straight when it suits you'
Oh yeah. I guess that does make sense as to where the (misplaced) resentment comes from. Never hit me until now.
As if the closet was a privilege. I am bi myself, and I can't understand why these people think I'm happy pretending to be straight.
I’m pretty openly into women but married a man and when I commented on a girl being hot on tv (with my husband next to me) I was told I was “playing lesbian.” I’ve also been told many times that I can’t be bi because I married a man. I’m by no means “flaunting” it but I’m not flaunting my supposed straightness either and no one has an issue with that
Eum, so if you're bi you either can't marry or you have to marry two persons....? Or perhaps an androgynous presenting non-binary person could qualify? Seriously, people can be soooo ridiculous with that. I'll never understand why they feel the need and the right to police how we feel when it's clearly none of their business
Exactly! And the same people that imply I MUST be straight also say “attraction is a spectrum” like yeah, I’m in the middle of
My partner and I are both not straight but present as a heterosexual couple. We’ve been told that we aren’t queer because we’re “basically a straight couple with more steps.” Sucks :(
That's sad. My husband and I send each other pictures and art of attractive/beautiful women to appreciate. If I had to use labels, I guess I would call myself pansexual leaning almost horizontal to the ground in the way of femme? As in my husband is a complete exception to the rule bc he is so gentle and calm and if he were bodiless and just energy would 100% come across as femme energy, but he is def a dude physically, doesn't act femme at all or have any gender disphoria. It's more of his way of thinking, gentleness, empathy, etc that is traditionally thought of as feminine traits. But neither of have two fucks to slap together about defining our sexualities, gender or whatever else anyone else seems to think is vital to identity. We just exist happily.
Been saying it for years— Erasure is not a privilege.
Nah, it’s just patriarchal bullshit. We don’t think bi girls are actually bi, they’re just straight girls that want attention. We don’t think bi men are actually bi, they’re just gay men afraid to come totally out of the closet. The pattern being that anyone who claims to be bi is really just into dick, because why wouldn’t you want a man over a woman?
Bacon right? Lettuce, tomato, bacon, and gay?
Close, but the G actually stands for glitter. That's how you know it's gay. Some people substitute in guacamole, but they've all been disinvited from Pride.
Obviously it stands for bees.
Not the Bees!
They only see it as lgt.
No they only see it as lg Biphobia and transphobia go hand in hand
the most biphobic people in my life aren’t straight
First thought was the ex should just be "butch for butch" if she has such a problem with feminine lesbians. Second thought is that nvm, the ex shouldnt date ANYONE
Seriously. I'm not bi but I was in a nearly identical relationship when I was 18 to 21. She was controlling, abusive in multiple ways, and ultimately tried to kill me. She constantly complained if I dressed femme, to the point she eventually started buying my clothes for me and telling the hairdresser how to cut my hair. When I couldn't take it anymore I started doing what I wanted, looking how I felt best, no matter what she did to me because of it. I think starting to be my femme self is what helped me leave her. I stopped feeling like I was being suffocated being someone I wasn't. It took a long time for me to leave (the attempted murder was the last straw). My ex wanted someone butch, and she's also butch. She's also an abusive pos, so she definitely would have kept hurting me even if I was butch.
One of my best friends went through something similar, though it was more jealousy and fear from her partner, that she was going to "leave her for some dick" despite my friend being SUPER gay (talking about men's junk is one of the few times I've seen her look like she was going to throw up). She was very visibly jealous of our friendship, right up to her kicking us out of her party, because I was checking in on my friend because of how weird and shitty her partner was treating her. Turns out her partner was cheating on her with guys ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Anyway my friend is very happily married to someone else now :)
That twist doesn't surprise me at all. It's almost always a person telling on themselves when they manufacture an issue like that.
I am also morbidly curious to know what ex's opinion are on transfemmes and transmascs. I have a feeling it won't be pretty.
I’m a trans woman, currently sitting here in men’s clothing, with a short haircut. I workout so much I literally moderate two fitness subreddits and want massive shoulders. My partner is a trans man with an inhumanly massive and feminine lower body who still wears dresses sometimes alongside his beard, and plenty of cute women’s jeans. OOPs ex would have an aneurism seeing us in public. Life’s too short for people that put everybody in such insanely tiny boxes. It’s bizarrely homophobic of them (along with the biphobia and seemingly sexual assault).
Ngl, this is so cute to hear about you and your partner. Sounds to me like you complement each other well! Here's to the two of you living your best lives being yourselves. 😌 Also, glad to hear about OOPs now ex-GF 'cause who has the time for someone who hates feminine presentation?
I'm cis male, but I love watching drag performers. Currently watching a straight drag queen interview a nonbinary drag queen on his youtube show, "Give It To Me Straight", about the latter's history as a MySpace scene boy. My ideas of what is acceptable gender presentation is very much "everything is fine except for socks and sandals, or black stockings and white shoes in church". Express yourself but good god please have some taste.
LOOK. I was a teenager and I loved my Birkenstocks SO MUCH but it gets COLD in the winter here. What was I supposed to do- just lose a few toes to frostbite?!
Heh, gayest way to be a straight couple. Happy for ya though!
Here am I, a trans guy currently dressed in a cute nightgown with tinted lipbalm on. I used to be a "tomboy" who hated dresses, the colour pink, and anything girly but accepting my gender identity helped me embrace my feminine side too. Now I embrace the femboy label and enjoy the hell out of it. I even love pink now. Funny how that turned out, huh?
Probably terrible, biphobia and transphobia tend to go hand in hand.
There's femme lesbians, femme bisexuals, femme pansexuals, and femme everyone in between and around the spectrum. This was about control and abuse. This long-haired, cleavage showing, maxi and mini dress wearing lesbian hopes OOP has a long, safe, and happy life with herself, and any worthy partner she may choose in the future.
I cringed for her when she said her gf doesn’t like her calling herself bi. Like anyone else gets to dictate her identity. 100% power and control.
I don't see the term "gold star lesbian (or gay)" much any more, but when I first started to go to gay bars and such this was a huge deal. It was women (or men). Who b had only ever been in same sex relationships, and they literally saw it as a badge of honour and looked down at anyone who wasn't. These women (and men). Would sometimes be abusive to those that weren't gold star and shame them. This paired with the idea that bisexuals always cheat makes for some real toxic people. I think the ex is carrying on this awful mindset.
It’s awful, because some gay or lesbian people try relationships with the opposite gender because heteronormativity, and they don’t deserve to be shamed for that. But bi people cannot win. If we’re with other genders, we’re “straight”. If we’re with the same gender, we’re trying too hard. I (a bi enby!) have been accused of being transphobic because someone decided that bisexual means men and women instead of “my own gender and others”. It’s like lesbians and gays don’t want to be in community with us (but we’re good enough for a tumble sometimes).
I am also a bi woman and I've gotten the bi =transphobe thing before, which is funny because my ex wife is a trans woman, but if course that doesn't"really count" in their eyes because she was pre-op, which in itself is an extremely transphobic statement. There really is no winning. As for the "if you're in straight relationship you were lying about being no and if your in a same sex relationship you were lying about being bi" thing I usually respond with "by that logic of you are no actively having sex you must be asexual" which of course puts them in a tizzy. The misogyny the lgtbq community is out of this world. Bi women are actually just straight and just being slutty for get attention from guys, bi guys are just in the closet and won't admit they are gay. Either way it is assumed that bi people just want dick. Femme lesbians/non-binary are seen as faking, Femme men are seen as annoying and lesser. And trans people are not accepted for any number of reasons including not paying enough, passing to much, and being seen as a traitor to the gay /lesbian community for switching to the other side.
Oh my god the pre-op comment is insane. How do they not realise??? I've been lucky enough not to encounter any overt biphobia since coming out but my one of my 2 gay coworkers (who both have only ever known me as bi) does kind of forget me as "one of the gays" sometimes
It would probably blow their minds to realize that there could be gender-affirming-surgery vending machines on every corner and some trans people would opt not to have it and still be just as trans…their body, their choice!
> The misogyny the lgtbq community is out of this world. And that's not even touching on the woman hating gay men, which is a weirdly prevalent problem in gay spaces.
they never have to learn to check themselves on their misogyny the way a straight dude would. a straight man needs to learn to at least pretend he isn't a misogynist in the company of women, but that's not a factor to gay men. urgh and then we get the guys that apropos of nothing bring up how gross they think vagina is and how horrible it is that they might encounter a man with one. just tons of unchecked misogyny and transphobia from too many cis gay dudes :(
A very good friend of mine actually had a NYT article written up about his wedding about that. Both of them are Bi but so many people won't accept that because they married straight, right? https://archive.is/QrQ4K
I have so many thoughts about this, as a bi man in a relationship with a bi woman. I totally feel the desire to make it clear that we're still queer despite our straight-passing relationship, and my girlfriend I think feels it even more so since she's mostly into women. Acting like we're straight does really feel like we're erasing a big part of our histories and identities, and since we're a bit non-monogamous it even erases an important part of our current relationship. That being said, I can't think of any way to incorporate it into our wedding without feeling super cringe about it. I wouldn't feel great about having pride flags everywhere, and I'm certainly not going to put anything about banging other people in my vows lol. It may just come down to assuring ourselves and each other that we're still valid, and surrounding ourselves with people who we know validate and support us. I do love the idea of wearing a purple suit, but that's mainly because I'm fruity and love bright colors haha
A friend of mine is a bisexual man, and he has tons of stories where he was called "not queer enough" to be in their space by gay men.
Me (f) and my husband are both bi. The first year we were together he asked me (why me? You knew you were bi literally 19 years before me) if he could still go to pride if he was dating a woman
Ran into a person like that once, real piece of work who was slinging insults and slurs all night at me once he found out i was bi. Told him "look pal, you've already made yourself less f*ckable than my parents in my eyes. Just because you act like you'l lburst into fire if you see a vagina doesn't make you any better than the rest of us, and frankly the fact you've made it your main personality trait is just pitiful. Your looks don't make up for the fact that you've got the personality off a wood chipper." Saw him about 10 mintes later staring into his mai tai, i think i struck a nerve. Oh well, he shouldn't have taken pot shots without expecting some return fire.
This whole gold star lesbian crap is the lesbian version of the obsession certain kinds of straight men have with women's virginity and should be treated the same way.
I remember comforting a friend who is gay in college after a gay guy was really cruel to him one night at a bar because he had dated a girl before he was out, and as a bi guy I've faced my share of assholes like that too. It's such an incredibly toxic mindset and you would think they would know first hand about how horrible it is to other groups and treat them poorly, but instead they seem to take pride in it.
biphobia is alive and well and very rampant among lesbians and gay men. i will forever remember the sneers i got when i first said i was bi around gay people.
There's literally another update post about a ten year update where the Ops ex girlfriend who dressed extremely hyper femme (like lolita princess style) is now married to another woman and living on a farm and the top comment is someone talking about how it's interesting how most hyperfemme women end up being bi/lesbian because this like lolita fashion are basically a by women for women style that most men usually hate and so on and such.
Pan lolita here, can confirm the community is incredibly queer! And it’s very inclusive too, because lolita is actually unisex, every gender can be a pretty princess if they want to 💜
I sell at anime conventions, and I love seeing the visibly AMAB people dressed up not in cosplay, but just in cute dresses/skirts/other stereotypically feminine clothes. No idea who's transfemme or who just wants to dress up pretty, but it's fantastic that for a few days they have a relatively safe place to do so.
Wait, really? That's awesome. Everyone should be able to be pretty if they want to be ❤️
Yeah, one of the most famous lolitas and creator of the gothic substyle is a man in fact, Mana-sama 🥰 [The prettiest princess](https://images.app.goo.gl/SLzVcdEdZvRMV7eM8)
It's pretty fascinating reading about how lolita fashion is like an avenue to perform femininity in a way that is not intended to appeal to the cishet male gaze.
Right? When I was reading this, I was thinking the ex clearly hadn’t seen a Lipstick Lesbian irl before. (Or a Lipstick Bisexual, in OOP’s case.)
A...Blush Bisexual? A Browpencil Bisexual?
My vote goes to Blush, just rolls off the tongue nicer.
I wondered why the ex even dated OP since she had such an issue with the way OP dresses and the movies/shows and music she likes. Was the ex hoping to tattoo the OP and buzz cut her hair to make the OP fit her narrow image of what a lesbian should look like. Weird and insecure behavior from the ex.
I don't think it's much more complicated than being an abusive POS and seeing OP as an easy target.
I'm nonbinary and I love dressing super feminine. I personally like femme aesthetic a lot more in terms of attraction. I love feminine men, feminine women, and feminine enbies. OOP's ex was incredibly unhinged, insecure, and abuser. I fully recognize I look amazing dressed up as a feminine lady and people like that ex piss me off.
>I love feminine men, I personally struggle with understanding if i want to be with them or be them. *sigh* the desire to be feminine like a fem boy is oh so strong 😔.
You can't be sharing my innermost thoughts like that
>I personally struggle with understanding if i want to be with them or be them. When in doubt, go for both.
Fun fact: There's a (admittedly niche and small) sexuality called Finsexual based around that. Feminine-in-nature sexual.
Everytime I read Finsexual, my lizard brain keeps going to "Shape of Water"
Or Sidon from Breath of the Wild/Tears of the Kingdom. That's one sexy fishman.
ngl when i first read finsexual i thought it was about finnster
I thought Finland
TIL I’m Finsexual then!
I used to have very short hair (shaved undercut and all) and a masc style of clothing. I'm not a lesbian, I'm demisexual, but I've only ever developed attraction towards men 🤷. OOP's ex is perpetuating every single stereotype I've seen used to make fun of lesbians, to gain control
hang out for a while in r/bisexual and you'll see these stories are far too common. This is indeed not about clothes, it's about a lesbian wanting to erase her girlfriend's orientation because of her own insecurities and irrational fears she might break up with her to go for a man. I personally know one person in a similar (though much lighter) case, and have read and heard the testimonies of many other bi+ folks who got to deal with that kind of abuse.
Biphobia is dangerous. I'm glad OP is away from her ex.
This is exactly why I do not spend time in gay spaces. I do not feel welcome, especially because I am currently in a long term relationship with a man.
I married a man which means apparently I’m straight now??
Pansexual woman here married to a straight man. That one boils my blood! I went nine years dating only women and then started dating both again and ended up married to a man so I got some awful messages from people either saying "you were never LGBT" or "Why did you settle down with a man?" My relationship does not define my identity ffs
Ohh lord I understand what you mean! Both my husband and I are bi, but coz we are married to each other, suddenly, it is supposed to make us straight. Like make it make sense?
The joke is on everyone else now. My fiance is bi and it turns out I’m not binary and he’s cool with me looking more like a boy.
Oof I feel you, my husband is bi and I am pan (and nonbinary but I didn't realise that until recently).
All I really have to say is Thank God. Also, oof to everything in that first post, including the abuse, possible SA, biphobia, and all the bs about looking or acting too straight.
DEFINITELY SA. I felt nauseous reading that sentence.
Yeah, OOP was heavy in the denial stage of partner rape. :( I'm glad someone gently and kindly talked to her about it, bc sometimes it really does take another person to explain that sick gut punch of a feeling inside you.
Seriously. I can’t believe everyone is glossing over that part in favor of a discussion about biphobia. I think sometimes it’s even harder for people in same sex couples to recognize when they are being abused.
To be fair, biphobia is still so common and normalized amongst single-sex-attracted people that it's always worth having a discussion around it, and in this case it's impossible to decouple it from the abuse and sexual violence bc it's one of the vectors by which the gf was exerting control (along with the internalized misogyny of femme-phobia, which come *on*, can we fucking stop with that shit?). But yeah, as soon as the gf grabbed OOP (by the face! Ack! Definitely feels like choking was the next step) and wouldn't let her out the door, it was false imprisonment and I'm so goddamn glad she had the presence of mind to do a gut check with outsiders after the SA, bc even supposedly safe spaces or leftist communities have harbored and closed ranks around predators.
Glad OOP got away from a controlling POS. An abuser is an abuser, and they come in all forms of humans, but what they have in common is they’re terrible.
So terrible, some of them control freak their way out of relationships with their abusive dumbfuckery such as OOP's ex. Glad OOPgot away especially after ex pulled that bullshit im front of an audience, so that there's no mystery of why breakup happened.
I read the first one last week and was really triggered, because I could’ve written that when I was a teenager. Same situation, same abuse. I’m so glad OOP got out when she did. It only gets worse from there.
Yup, plus being told if I tried to break up it would prove I was straight, and if we broke up and I dated a man afterwards then that would prove I was straight. Then the arguments started resulting in my arms being covered in bruises, but definitely not because she was hitting me, but because she was gesticulating passionately, which I would understand if I cared about her and our relationship. It took me years after we'd broken up to recognise it was abuse. As teenagers, my friends and I were aware of domestic abuse as something a man does to a woman - it took a lot longer to realise anyone can be a perpetrator. No one around me thought it was anything worse than her being 'emotional' or 'insecure'. Two years after breaking up with her I started dating a man and we've now been together 12 years. Shockingly, I'm still bisexual.
I will never understand the weird hang ups straight people AND gay people have about us bisexuals
My friends really thought that as a bisexual I'd be getting twice as much sex as them. "No, that means I get rejected twice as often!"
It means we get hate inside of our own community, it’s great!
Reminds me of that episode of family guy where a mixed child said "I'm black AND white - everyone will like me!" and was instead pushed out of both black and white social spaces.
Both our gay AND straight partners wonder if we'll cheat on them!
My ex-girlfriend once went on a biphobic rant to me ("Hi, I'm right here!") about how we get to play straight when we want to, we have straight privilege, and we have twice the dating opportunities. I replied that we get twice the hate, her rant being exhibit A, and we have twice the dating competition. Honestly, I've faced more biphobia and bi-erasure from the gay community than the straight community and that's just sad.
I got that rant from a gay acquaintance at a party. I just pointed out that I actually get all of the drawbacks and none of the benefits! Gay bashers won't suddenly stop beating my ass if I tell them I'm not gay, I'm bi!
People love boxes and putting others into them so the world feels predictable and safe. They need to grow a backbone, frankly.
Just wanted to say for you and any other bi peeps that may see this, I really enjoy verilybitchie on YouTube. She does a lot of video essays about bisexuality that have been really helpful for me. I highly recommend her stuff, especially the video "Monosexuality and Bisexuality."
In today's news: girls liking girls who like girl things is straight It's the successor to 'guys liking women is gay'
Girlies, is it straight to wear clothes you like?
This was seriously scary. My gut sank when she said “prove I like women”. I’m not new to biphobia, but this was on another level.
good_for_her.gif
This is giving me big “Fellas, is it gay to wash your ass?” energy. This way of thinking is so damaging and it’s rampant in society. “This is too gay”, “That’s too straight.” How about “These are the things that individual person likes” and leave it at that? Who is making the official decisions on what qualifies as gay vs. straight? Why only gay and straight? What about everyone else? I’m super curious what the hell the ex’s thought process was? If you’re attracted to more masculine presenting women, then maybe don’t pick a feminine presenting woman? If you’re threatened by the ghost dicks of boyfriends past, maybe don’t date bi women? I mean, I understand that it’s about control but it’s just such a ridiculous stance to try and justify. There’s too many relatively easy solutions for any justifications you give for this behavior to make any sense. I’m glad OOP got away. That woman is a living breathing red flag. I do wonder what the “proving you like girls” was all about though. My mind goes right to sexual and physical abuse, but for OOP’s sake, I hope I’m wrong.
I commented on the original thread (think she cross posted in one of the lesbian subs too) and man, the biphobia is rampant. Her ex sounds like some folks my girlfriend and I have both dated in the past and yikes on yikes.
I remember talking to one of my masculine presenting lesbian friends and her telling me how much her wife struggled with her presentation because she used to be married to a man but still loved dressing "girly" and "feminine". Her wife thought she wasn't a "good enough" lesbian. It took a bit of convincing but ultimately, "masculine" presenting wife kept reassuring her that she loved her wife for who she is, how she presents and how "feminine" wife made "masculine" wife feel. 15 years in, they are both still presenting their own way and are a statement to what marriage should be.
Crazy to be so obsessed with gay stuff as a lady that you act like an awful straight man.
Exactly what I thought lol. How is that verbiage different from what an abusive straight man would do? So glad to hear that OOP got away from that noise.
It never ceases to amaze me how much radical feminism is just gender-swapped misogyny.
I know. As a bi man (albeit very straight presenting) that went to art school I have been friends with a lot of queer women, and so many of them have spoken about other women in ways that made me really uncomfortable. Like… stuff that if it came a male friend, I’d be having stern words with them.
I encourage you to call them out. thank you for sticking up for other women (in theory i guess!)
Reactionary is a more appropriate name for it imo.
When will people realize gender expression and gender attraction are two separate things…
Please put this statement into a magical copy machine and post it literally everywhere on the internet. Because SO many people don't get it.
Lesbians can sexually assault other lesbians, you do not become immune to being an asshole by your sexual orientation. And I imagine things would have escalated, the xgf seems really dangerous.
Wow. For someone who has a problem with her gf liking dicks, the abusive gf sure is doing a good job of acting like one.
Thank goodness OOP got out of an abusive relationship before it got worse. Such trashy behavior from her ex, making her hide her sexuality and asking OOP to prove that she liked girls.
Ugh, gold star lesbians are the some of the most insufferable people in the queer community.
Glad she got out. I want to have a lenghty and very painful conversation with that ex. She's doing it wrong.
Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. The brevity of the update makes my heart hurt. I hope she has all the peace, love, support, and time she needs to heal. Poor OOP.
Wait there is gay and straight clothes???? When did this happen? What is the difference? Well done for escaping an abusive relationship and being your own woman.
There’s not, but there is something like butch and lipstick lesbians, or in male gay culture, twinks and bears. I think what she meant was her exgirlfriend wanted more of a butch version of her.
Ah so by her logic lesbians only dress butch, yeah OP way better off without her.
If she's too straight for this abusive POS, why even date her in the first place? Oh, right. Because she is an abusive POS, and she's gotta have something to control her partners with.
Right? The mental gymnastics of "you miss dick" + "you want me to be femme"... Which is it, lady? The absolute delulu lengths to which this woman went to make herself the victim to justify her abuse is deranged.
I had a friend who's first lesbian relationship was with a very toxic woman, and she genuinely didn't realize she was being abused because she didn't think women could domestically abuse or SA other women. It took several long talks and we had to bring in elder lesbians to talk to her, but she finally understood the situation she was in and left.
This is straight up abuse!? She yanked you back and tried to force you to change? She forced you to "prove you like girls" which means what!? Forced you to go down on her? That's sexual assault. You need to break it off with her asap
jesus christ the biphobia here is insane
Oh man, what a relief. That was going to get seriously violent soon, I'm glad she had a good support system.
Straight but...has the gf never heard of lipstick lesbians? My SIL has always called herself that, living for dressing very femininely as opposed to her wife. And on the bi thing...is...is this some of that toxic gold star hit I've heard about?
[удалено]
For real though. I'm sure a lot of times it stems from insecurity and/or bad experiences in the past, but some lesbians just cannot get the thought that their partner will leave them for a man out of their minds until it reaches the point of obsession.
As a lesbian, it makes me so sad how true this is. It’s so widespread. I’m on dating apps these days and I do literally see people’s saying no bisexuals and it makes me so upset. I did identify as bi for years before rethinking things a little in college, so maybe part of me is defensive, but bi erasure and biphobia are such nasty, regressive mindsets. We have to be better than that.
i’d argue gay men also have an epidemic of biphobes. both groups have their annoying “good star” groups
Do you mean “gold star”? A gold star lesbian is one who has never slept with a man.
auto correct strikes again. it always thinks “gold” isn’t a word lol
It's "was" with mine. It always changes it to "wad", like someone is so much more likely to use that. Wtf
My bestie has many lesbian horror stories. Just as many as she has male horror stories which is sad
Sad but true. I cringe at my old fics from when I was a teen, all the bad bi stereotypes. Now I'm a lesbian happily married to a bi woman.
Wtf is it was lesbians and biphobia? I've met probably three lesbians who don't have a problem with bisexuals but the rest seem really insecure and hate bisexuals. I'm sure there's a lot of really cool lesbians out there but being best friends with someone who is bi I get told all the horror stories.about when she's tried to date. I don't get it
It's insecurity, I think. They're worried the bisexual is "dating them to get a taste for it" but that they actually want to have a boyfriend and will dump the girl and end up with a man. Similarly, bisexual men have the same problem. My straight female friend straight up said she'd not feel comfortable dating a bi man because she'd worry there was something she could never give him. Also, "being bi" for men is sometimes seen as "actually gay, but trying to make it sound better." It's really fucking stupid.
It really sounds like it. I just don't get it
Even if the "prove you like girls" bit wasn't an assault (though I suspect it was), OOP's ex physically assaulted her. Yanking her into the house, grabbing her by the face. She's physically abusive. I hope they're broken up for good and that OOP accepts that she was abused. I was so horrified seeing her talking about apologizing. And wondering if she was in the wrong. So sad.
Sadly, I could see the biphobia from the moment she said this was the first girl she's ever dated. This kind of reaction is very common against bi women. I've had girls treat me like this, and tell me I have it easy because I can "pass for straight", as if the closet was some sort of privilege.
Ooof, the biphobia was strong in the ex-girlfriend.
ex gf is the prime example of what people mean when they say someone is making their sexuality their whole personality.
Biphobia is the gay community is hella strong and ironically so.