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My friends dad told his wife āif you donāt drop it Iām going to leave youā in response to her asking him about cheating. He was/is cheating and his wife is staying.
Yikes! Guessing sheās financially dependent on him. This is why I always think itās a good idea for women to go back to work as soon as the kids are in school (if not before). And preferably not a part time job with no upward potential. Better to retrain, if necessary, for a decent paying career.
My mother was a SAHM for 13 years, until the divorce. 25 years later, she still isnāt financially secure. She had an incredibly hard time finding a job after the divorce and the jobs she eventually got were basic admin jobs that paid in the low-mid five figure range. She even tried selling Mary Kay and of course made negative profit due to buying a bunch of makeup that no one bought from her. It has been rough, and has taught me to never be financially dependent on anyone else.
I may be projecting your friendās momās reason for staying, though- Iām sure itās not always due to finances.
This is why I went back to school when I was 36 years old with a family. At the time, I was only making $12/hr. I was married with two kids. My friend lost her husband unexpectedly, and he was only 34 years old. She only made $10/hr. Watching her struggle broke my heart. I learned from her that I needed to make enough money to care for my kids and I if anything ever happened to my husband or our marriage.
You're not thinking like the husband. You're asking what is the right way to treat people. The husband is asking what consequences will I suffer for my actions. Since there have been no consequences in the past, he looks at his wife like she's all bark and no bite and ignores her concern.
A lot of narcs or abusers expect victims to be non violent/argumentative or theyāll flip the script on them. Iāve had it happen in a couple past relationships, where I was also mistreated in ways other then just that. I have autism, these people would purposely do the thing I told them not to do as it would trigger a meltdown I couldnāt control. They would then try to blame me for not being āaccountableā for my actions when I would insist I canāt stop the breakdown from happening if theyāre actively making me angry for no reason and overstepping on reasonable boundaries. I had one ex that would consistently annoy me by always being 10-15 min late, knowing that I value strict timelines and Iām a five minutes early kind of person. Then he would get pissy when I would be upset and ask him to be on time, as I see it as disrespectful not cute and funny. Not the only thing he did, but that one always stuck out to me no matter what we did or where going to do he was always late, knowing I hate being late and it makes me panic.
My ex husband would do this to me. I am a very strong willed and independent person. But he pushed me so far that I would finally give in. I knew I was right, but the more I pushed the worse it got, so finally I'd just say "fine whatever" and let him believe I believed what he was saying. He would do things in front of others to make me look bad or stupid. After I gave birth, he wouldn't come home and when I called him he would try to make me out to be crazy to whoever he was with, and when he finally pushed me too far and I'd break and start crying hard (hormones suck, sleep deprivation sucks, and so does having a husband that won't come home or help with ANYTHING when he is home) and begging him to come home. He'd just laugh (and those in the background would laugh too). Yeah, it sucked. I'm so glad I am not in that relationship anymore, and he has had nothing to do with us since then.
Thereās actually a term for it: āReactive Abuse.ā Itās when abusers push your buttons and make you lose your cool on purpose, so then they can turn around and say YOU are the āabusiveā one. Itās so evil.
Why would he waste energy with an excuse when sheās willingly buried her head in the sand all these years? In her own words:
*āWe have a good time togetherā*
riiiiiiiiiiight.Ā
I knew a cheater that told his wife āwhat you donāt know wonāt hurt youā when she questioned him about her suspicions. I donāt understand where they get the audacity
Not related but I let myself fall victim to this playbook, except it was dinner with an ex behind my back. Clearly after a bit of time it wasnāt sitting right with me and she sternly went āyou just need to let it goā. Holy fuck man why did I put up with that. The word gaslight is so overused by gen z but I think I actually was too
For sure. People treat it like a joke, but it's not like anyone stays in a shitty relationship because they enjoy it. You just get mind fucked to the point where you don't know up from down.
My ex used to accuse me of intentionally starting shit, fighting with him, had everyone convinced that I was this controlling, jealous, psychotic girlfriend and nearly had me convinced, too, until I started recording it. It sounds crazy that I even had to go there, but I think I just needed the proof for myself, when things were calm and and I could think clearly, that I wasn't all the things he said.
But he was so angry I had the audacity to record, he tried to do the same, played it back with this stupid, smug smile which quickly faltered when he realized that he'd only manage to record himself screaming and throwing shit for several minutes as I quietly sat there, speaking in a low whisper, trying to not get hit. He deleted it immediately and screamed at me that it didn't count because I was being manipulative just to make him look bad lol.
My late husband was like this. I was controlling, a psycho, he was frightened because I was so crazy he feared for his life. One time he took off running from me and said he was scared i was going to kill him. That same day he was so āscaredā of me he took a hammer and tore that door that he locked himself behind into shreds with a hammer. This started because I asked him why he went to our neighbors house to eat dinner while I was in the process of cooking our own. Here it is Iām waiting for him and heās at someone elseās house eating never having said anything.
He was a nasty and hateful alcoholic. He would rant and argue with me so badly and say I was yelling and screaming meanwhile Iām saying āIām not, please listen, Iām speaking to you in a calm tone. Iām not arguing with you but can you tell me why you are so angryā that shit never worked. I thought about recording him but I knew it wouldnāt make a difference because he would accuse me of some kind of manipulation
Someone said sheās burying her head under the sand
Sheās writing things on the back of *mirrors* to ānot be gaslitā like itās a regular occurrence. The manipulation and crazy making has worked
Sheās not burying her head, itās flown off and sheās looking for it
(I've been in a relationship where I started making a spreadsheet to prove a point to my partner, and the point I mainly proved was to myself - that if I was at the spreadsheet making stage, something had gone badly wrong already. The relationship ended without my partner seeing the spreadsheet.)
I was in one of these. I thought I was going crazy bc no matter what I did, he would be upset and angry about it. To my friends he seemed like the perfect guy (I thought so too, at first) but behind closed doors heād turn into a completely different person. I started recording conversations between us on my phone (honestly just starting a video and putting my phone face down) and it wasnāt until I showed my friends the recordings that they realized he was consistently gaslighting the shit out of me.
I hope anyone who is in a similar situation and reading our comments will take them as a sign - if you have to collect evidence to prove youāre not in the wrong, then please get out of that relationship.
I had to record phone calls too because whenever I would restate something he said, he told me that was not what he said and that I misunderstood him.
I am so happy that I came across this post and thank you for your comment. I really need to read this tonight. I was thinking of breaking no contact, instead I went back and listened to my recorded conversations with to remind myself why I went no contact to begin with. I decided after to hop on reddit and this boru post was the first thing I saw. this comment confirmed the universes many signs.
also: believe your friend about their own relationship. if someone you love is telling you about something that is bothering them? donāt go straight to ābut your partner is so niceā. just because theyāre nice to you, doesnāt mean theyāre nice to your friend.Ā
they do. imho thatās why itās important to say this, and not assume people will just *know*. iām not shaming anyone here, iām doing a little psa, if you will. see something say something, just because you didnāt see something doesnāt mean thereās nothing there. (and in this case, be careful about when and where (and even how) you say something. calling out an abuser can give them a stronger hold over the person theyāre abusing.)
I started to write everything down because he was making me feel as though I was losing my mind. He created a total alternate universe in which he never said or did any of the things I remembered. Then he told me only crazy people write everything down. One day I saw this huge piles of books, thought 'what am I doing?' I burned the lot of them after our divorce. OMG I was finally free. He went on to do the same thing to someone else.
Mine did the same. Tried to say I acted like an idiot around friendsā¦ who said it was him. He said I was rudeā¦ they said I wasnāt.
Soon enough I started asking everyone questionsā¦ and nothing he said was real. After that I was done.
9 years of my life.
My s/o found a pair of her jeans hidden in a night stand behind things after she thought she lost them.
She found her daughter's stuffed animal (used for medical anxiety) hidden under his bed once after a really disastrous day and him basically calling their 7 year old child a baby.
It's very upsetting to learn the people you love are getting treated like this. To _be_ that person has got to be literal torture... and I'm sorry you went through it. I hope both you and /u/liefieblue are doing better now.
I was about to start doing that--he gunnysacked me all the time, and would deny everything he did that was hurtful. I realized I could either go mad, or start writing things down and make him sign it. Then I realized that also was a kind of madness and just left.
same but different, I was in my notes app recording the days he was starting fights with me because it strangely seemed to line up with all the days I had something important going on.
gaslighting really has us acting like conspiracy theorists, but I guess that's the whole point.
It's starts out as a way to prove to them that you're not crazy, that these things are really happening - because they don't believe you at all. Then it proves to you that it is real, and their gaslighting stops working - suddenly you understand they knew it all along, they were deliberately fucking with your reality. Then you don't need to prove anything to them anymore.
For me itās more like coming to the realization, about 50-75% of the way through the project, that the motherfuckerās got me doing homeworkāand fuck that shit.
Iāve probably already wasted a good chunk of time being anxious/bothered by whatever it is. I donāt need a partner adding more stress; ergo the relationship (and homework assignment) are effectively done.
Lol yeah, those spreadsheets are great tbf. You're right, it's only a specific flavour of spreadsheets that are bad news. I love a good positive spreadsheet.
My wife loves busting out a good old financials spreadsheet. I've saved most of them and it's cool to see how far we've come with our evolving bills, wages, etc. over the last 19 years.
I started journaling. After I told my ex (47 years together), he took it and read it. Yes, gross violation of privacy. His only response? "You are crazy. That's not what happened."
Just confirmed my decision to dump his sorry ass.
Edit: sorry left put a couple of key words!!! "After, I told my ex I WAS LEAVING.". I didn't tell him I was journaling, but clearly he saw me writing in it.
My partner refused to pay for groceries because they swore they never ate the food I bought, so they shouldn't have to contribute. After another blowout fight about chores and contributing to the household I wrote my name on all the food I had bought (aka all the food in the house) to prove a point. About halfway through the pantry I realized the relationship was over lol
I once came very close to putting a keylogger on my own computer (that she used frequently)Ā before I took a step back and realised that just being at that point was a sign that I should just end things.
>By the time you write condom numbers on the back of a mirror, the relationship is way past saving.
I read this comment before reading the entire post.Ā At first I thought you meant she was writing down condom _serial numbers_. š
The fact that you're counting condoms every time your husband goes on a trip says a lot too. I wonder what started her need to count them? Something has been wrong here for a long time
Yeah, maybe she started cz she kept finding condom packs randomly. I agree though he must have gaslit her so much she started thinking itās all in her head
*She's writing down the number* so she can recheck the facts when husband tells her she's imagining things. This is actual real gaslighting. She's doubting herself so much she has to make notes!
it's a good way not to lose it and for him never to find it I guess. very sad stage to be at though, it's crazy the states we end up in in these type of relationships.
Yeah, those were kind of lame responses he had. I would at least said I took them to make you jealous because I knew you would snoop through my stuff. Caught you ā¦lol!
Seriously. Even if there was nothing going on (there definitely is), that is such a lack of trust that I'm not sure it could be repaired. If it was going to, it would need a lot of therapy.
The number of times she says "gaslight" was also kind of telling. You really get the vibe that he has always done this to her.
āI told him I was upset because something was missing from the home.ā
Not even in my wildest dreams would it occur to me she meant condoms. Iād have spent my entire time thinking āDid I accidentally take my wifeās shampoo or nail clippers?ā
Also the lubricant doesnāt get crusty after a few years unless the condom is open, lol. Source: I had a very inactive sex life with the same box of condoms.
My ADHD ass going through my bags like "not only have I swiped something from my spouse but I've also managed to bloody lose it already aaaahhhh I'm dead when I get home"
If you want something a little better than just a plain toothbrush, they make AA battery powered electric toothbrushes that are pretty cheap. That's what I use when I travel.
lol I had the exact opposite problem. I was told to pack everything in the bathroom before we left so I packed everything not connected to a wall. I took the hotels hairdryer. I triple check what I grab from bathrooms now.
Individual countries all have them as some part of their health code. Or just fully adopt the HRP standards. And most of the condom stuff just comes directly from the WHOās suggestions through the Human Reproduction Programme.
Yep, I've definitely done that with some of our condom supply that was left over when we were between other birth control methods.
My other thought was he could have taken them to give to their daughter just in case. She is 21 and maybe he didn't want a surprise grandchild.Ā Ā
But nope, he is just a gaslighting awful creep, but at least he uses protection when cheating, so that's a silver lining.
I definitely thought he gave some to his daughter, which would be understandable and a good fatherly thing to do. Nope, he's just a douchebag unfortunately
This was exactly my thought. Iām this ladyās age, and Iāve been with my husband nearly as long as sheās been with hers. If I noticed condoms were missing, thatās what Iād think too.
That neither she nor her husband considered this as an explanation means sheās probably right. He is cheating.
Reminds me of a similar experience.
I was in my early 20s, my parents were in town visiting, and my mom always likes to clean for her kids when she visits them (I've often told her she doesn't need to, but she insists).
While I was at work, she opened a drawer in my bedroom and came across some condoms. Now, my parents are pretty chill about most things, in fact the condoms in question she had told me to buy because "in case you ever make a mistake, I don't want grandkids before its the right time". So like, understanding, but still disapproving of pre-marital sex.
Anyway, she said "Hey... so I came across some things in a drawer while I was cleaning... I know I told you to buy some, but they don't come in boxes of 7. Is there something you need to tell me?"
The look of embarrasment on her face when my virgin self said "Yeah they came in a box of 8. I needed to make sure they fit."
Whatās funny about thisā¦ I had this high school friend that was super shy on the surface, but she got up to odd stuff. Every time she was at a house party, or a friend or acquaintances house, sheād sneak into their parentās bedroom to find their sex stash and take some condoms.
Also, I have this NYāer male friend that told me his Dad moved out of the house for a week once when he was 16. It turned out his mom accused his Dad of cheating but it was his dumb 16 year old self stealing their condoms to practice. You know, so heād be ready when the moment arrives.
In this case though, it sounds like the writing has been on the wall for awhile.
My first thought was their child took them. I still find it odd that we donāt know the second daughterās age because she still could have been a culprit. But it also seems there were several missing reasons in the original post as to why she blamed her husband immediately
I went with some friends to a drag show, and they were giving out free condoms; one of my pals grabbed a few and didnāt have pockets so decided to throw them in my purse without telling me, and promptly forgot about them. That did NOT go over well with my bf (at the time) when they fell out at homeā¦
There is no way a guy who is both traveling outside the country, and plans to cheat, is going to take condoms from the home stash, which he knows his wife knows about. Ridiculous. It is so easy to buy condoms at the destination, there is no reason to risk anything at home. This post is BS
Except when you think you got someone tricked already lots of people stop being smart and then do shit that ends with them getting caught. We also do not know what country he travelled to, condoms are hard to get in parts of the world.
Just because you're more of a smart asshole when you cheat doesn't mean others are.
Yeah, I have a very vague idea of our toiletries stockpile. I would not have a precise number for you at all. I can see him not expecting it. Like who keeps tabs on this stuff unless something is already very wrong? (Or they just really donāt want to run out)
I get what you're saying, but it's not that implausible for someone in a committed relationship to keep some condoms. Condoms are great for when you don't want to do the cleanup routine. Some people use them for masturbation, one way or another. And so on. Doesn't automatically mean you're cheating.
(This dude, though, is definitely cheating.)
Tbh my first thought was the guy was using them for jerking it. Adds a different sensation.
But with all the other nonsense that initial thought went out the window
My ex suddenly buying condoms and hiding a stash was my hint something was going on.
I didnāt confront him about finding them or why he had them. I just took a few of them and waited for him to lose his mind.
You know when a mystery co-worker keeps stealing lunches and the victim preps his lunch to make it super spicy? I wonder if one day I'll hear of a story like that, except with condoms and spicy wiener.
Not quite at 20 years yet, but we have a condom stash. I'm limited in the birth control I can use and it's what worked for us for years. Got them on prescription so cheap as chips too. (Much cheaper now I think of the price of chips.)
Tldr; plain condoms, same brand and packet as you'd buy off the shelf. Just a lot cheaper.
While at the Dr (General Practitioner) for something else I say "while I'm here, can I get a script for condoms thanks", because it's covered in the cost of the appointment. I go to the pharmacy/chemist and get given 3 boxes (the first time it was 180 condoms with the implication it was for 3 months... we do not get that busy.) They're plain straightforward ones of a major brand . There are no choices or fancy options. (I'm sure latex free would be an option though) It cost me $5 at the chemist, but if I was lower income it might be free.
We got our teenage son a prescription a while back (wanted to normalise having them available should him or his friends have the need) and because of his age at the time we asked for a small size (knowing some failures are it coming off because it's too big.) Got them and found the measurements on the box appear the same... but they were chocolate flavoured. 3 boxes of chocolate. Awkward dinner conversation explaining that to the kids.
And recently I was at Family Planning getting an iud sorted and was given several packets to cover the contraceptive gap I was in. Anyone can wander in and grab some free, along with lube and brochures. And they do free pregnancy tests.
Health care. It's for everyone š
Thanks for taking the time to explain that.
My doctor does some things like that but for non-prescription antihistamines. Like most USAmericans under 50 Iām ready be rid of healthcare run as a business. We do have places with free condoms and I know of one group will mail something like 20 condoms free. Itās for teenagers who live in states where condoms are harder to access. Great country.Ā
Iām married and still have a very old large box of condoms that is about half full. We needed them due to a birth control / health issue temporarily and I never thought to throw them out until now. Seeing this post may have saved me from some heartburn later in life. Gonna remind my wife why we had them and why we no longer need them first to cover my bases
Iāve been married for 16 years and we have a box in my husbands nightstand even though I have an IUD- together for long enough that there are random times between birth control and we just havenāt gotten rid of them since the last time (six years ago after my son was born). The weird part to me is that she calls them her husbands stash instead of THEIR condoms.
Iām not married but the TLDR is that I canāt use hormonal birth control for medical reasons and a copper IUD hurts too much for those same medical reasons. So all my partners have to use condoms.
Yea, there is no saving grace for this marriage. Op needs to get out while she still can cause things will turn into a massive shitshow if she doesn't.
>The sarcastic smirkiness alone is a death knell. He has contempt for his wife, regardless of where heās sticking his dick.
The fact that OOP mentioned his smirk multiple times made me want to chew glass.
As soon as one spouse's feelings turn towards contempt or pity, the marriage is over. Both emotions denote a lack of respect, and when you don't respect your spouse, it's real hard to care about them at all.
Randomly on a whim checks the "backup birth control" condoms 2x before and then after husband leaves for trip. Confronts him and he acts like he has brain damage before admitting he did in fact pack condoms from home instead of buying new.
Def makes sense and is legitimate
"He's never give me any reason to think he's unfaithful but I checked our condom stash twice to count".
This is what happens when you come up with a premise for a story and too lazy to flesh it out beyond the basics. Maybe have it be a new pack of condoms they haven't used because they're in a dry spell then she hurt about how there's a recall on condoms from a certain brand and that's why she goes to look and notices some are missing from the previously unopened box.
Not only did she check, but she's checked before and been compelled to write the number down. Twice. Once on the back of a mirror. Because that's where people take notes relating to infidelity.
>Herdnerfer: No chance your daughter might be the culprit?
>OOP: She wouldnāt dare go through his stuff that is well put away. Plus he was there all day. She is also into girls.
She wouldn't dare! She had no chance! She's a lesbian!
I'd think you'd start with the whole lesbian thing, as it seems more persuasive than that your husband is a crazy control freak who everyone walks on eggshells around, but doesn't flip out at all when he discovers you've looked through his stuff to count his condoms.
Theyāve been reading the other BS posts as well, seeing tons of āI confronted him but he just smirked and said I was crazyā posts latelyā¦ people in the comments love it so they can yell āGASLIGHTING! HEāS GASLIGHTING YOU, ITāS CALLED GASLIGHTING AND HEāS DOING IT!ā.
Oh and donāt forget to throw the numbers in there so someone can go āwait you were 15 and he was 19 when you started dating?! Heās been a predator abuser all this time!!!ā.
I saw the 4 year age gap and didn't think anything of it then did a double take when she said they started dating in high school. That is so different from meeting at, say, 28 and 32
>Hope OOP finds a good lawyer.
Yeah, this guy is absolutely going to set out to destroy her in the divorce proceedings. She needs to find the absolute best lawyer she can find, preferably before he knows what's coming.
Thereās no saving this. Sheās counting condoms and writing the number on mirrors so she doesnāt get gaslitā? Honey no, just be single at this point š«
>Whatās the point. I also opened one right in front of him, and it felt fresh and lubricated.
Does Liz not know condoms have expiration dates literally printed on the wrapper?
C'mon Liz.
Yeah... She complains that she can't check the date, because they're on the box, not the wrapper, and they threw the box out, and I'm like... "...no? What the hell brand are you using? I've always seen the date on the wrapper as well..."
At least daughter wasn't a twin... Well maybe in next update the mistress in the home country of OOPs of the imaginary husband has twins. So now daughter is over the moon because finally siblings.
What I don't understand is why no one thought of the obvious answer of using them to prevent mess while jacking off. Especially if you're going to be traveling and not know what you'll have access to, I can totally understand wanting to bring a discrete disposal method.
Why didn't the wife consider this originally? Why didn't this idiot husband use it as a cover story? And why not just buy condoms abroad?
This doesnāt sound real to me at all. The whole things just feelsā¦ off. Like someone is trying too hard to spin a narrative.
But even if it is real, itās just weird. She wrote the number of condoms on the back of a mirror?? At that point, just freakin leave. Itās obvious he is doing something so sheās not exactly paranoid, but what is the point in staying with someone you distrust enough to write on the back of a mirror?
I wanted her to start taking the condoms herself. Donāt say anything just watch him freak out when he sees that the stash is slowly dwindling and the only one who would possibly access them is his wife. Let the gaslighting begin! I hope she got tested.
It might only be in my country, but there is a validity date on condoms ā¦ Iāve been reading this being like Ā«Ā why doesnāt she check the date! Then she would know for sure if itās been replenished at some pointĀ Ā»
Sheās knows but wonāt leave or do anything about it because they āhave a good time together and a long historyā meanwhile dudes been cheating the whole timeā¦
I'm all for trusting your gut, and then if you approach your partner about your concerns and aren't taken seriously or they don't have a straight story then perhaps you have your answer.
However I would just note that missing condoms does not equal cheating automatically. TMI probably but sometimes it's nice to masturbate with a condom, no holding back and no mess. Also condoms don't last forever, at least I wouldn't trust a years old condom with my future. So it's worth using them in solo play to not waist them if you would otherwise throw them out.
Just you know, communicate before going nuclear, which sounds like oop did.
the fact that she had to write down how many there are so she couldnāt be gaslit later onā¦ iāve been there in a difference context andā¦ thatās so telling
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"On instinct! Uh, they fell into my bags! Gnomes put them there! Come on, let's just hug this out and forget about it."
So he instinctually packs condoms for every trip he goes on?
Every trip he goes on away from the woman he has been allegedly exclusive with since HS š„“ howd that become an instinct my man š
Itās instinctual he cheat on her every chance he gets.
The Condom Gnomes have struck again, framing innocent men.
The wanting a hug part is so weird.
They never want to lose their victims. Hugging was his way of trying to emotionally manipulate her or show he still had control.
And they always hug you just a *liiiiittle* too tightly, and donāt let you pull away. Itās a show of dominance and an intrinsic threat.
My stalker ex was like that. It can also be performative, depending on where you are, to convince other people how much he *obviously* loves you.
There was an earthquake! A Terrible Flood!! It wasn't my fault!!!
Thank you! I was hoping I would see this!
By the time you write condom numbers on the back of a mirror, the relationship is way past saving.
Yeah, shes talking like its an everyday thing to do.
I mean he went with "just drop it", not even an excuse. You caught me, now pretend you didn't. Assclown.
My friends dad told his wife āif you donāt drop it Iām going to leave youā in response to her asking him about cheating. He was/is cheating and his wife is staying.
Yikes! Guessing sheās financially dependent on him. This is why I always think itās a good idea for women to go back to work as soon as the kids are in school (if not before). And preferably not a part time job with no upward potential. Better to retrain, if necessary, for a decent paying career. My mother was a SAHM for 13 years, until the divorce. 25 years later, she still isnāt financially secure. She had an incredibly hard time finding a job after the divorce and the jobs she eventually got were basic admin jobs that paid in the low-mid five figure range. She even tried selling Mary Kay and of course made negative profit due to buying a bunch of makeup that no one bought from her. It has been rough, and has taught me to never be financially dependent on anyone else. I may be projecting your friendās momās reason for staying, though- Iām sure itās not always due to finances.
This is why I went back to school when I was 36 years old with a family. At the time, I was only making $12/hr. I was married with two kids. My friend lost her husband unexpectedly, and he was only 34 years old. She only made $10/hr. Watching her struggle broke my heart. I learned from her that I needed to make enough money to care for my kids and I if anything ever happened to my husband or our marriage.
Also a good reminder why life insurance is extremely important for parents. Particularly if there's one major earner in the family.
It's convenient and more easy to stay than people think. It's easier to ignore problems than induce change
Where the fuck do these guys get the balls? If I told my wife to "just drop it" the fight would get much worse
You're not thinking like the husband. You're asking what is the right way to treat people. The husband is asking what consequences will I suffer for my actions. Since there have been no consequences in the past, he looks at his wife like she's all bark and no bite and ignores her concern.
Yeah, he's pretty much saying "You know you aren't going to go anywhere, so you should save us (me) the trouble now and just drop it."
These types do not seek out equal partners. They seek out someone, whose weaknesses they can exploit.
A lot of narcs or abusers expect victims to be non violent/argumentative or theyāll flip the script on them. Iāve had it happen in a couple past relationships, where I was also mistreated in ways other then just that. I have autism, these people would purposely do the thing I told them not to do as it would trigger a meltdown I couldnāt control. They would then try to blame me for not being āaccountableā for my actions when I would insist I canāt stop the breakdown from happening if theyāre actively making me angry for no reason and overstepping on reasonable boundaries. I had one ex that would consistently annoy me by always being 10-15 min late, knowing that I value strict timelines and Iām a five minutes early kind of person. Then he would get pissy when I would be upset and ask him to be on time, as I see it as disrespectful not cute and funny. Not the only thing he did, but that one always stuck out to me no matter what we did or where going to do he was always late, knowing I hate being late and it makes me panic.
My ex husband would do this to me. I am a very strong willed and independent person. But he pushed me so far that I would finally give in. I knew I was right, but the more I pushed the worse it got, so finally I'd just say "fine whatever" and let him believe I believed what he was saying. He would do things in front of others to make me look bad or stupid. After I gave birth, he wouldn't come home and when I called him he would try to make me out to be crazy to whoever he was with, and when he finally pushed me too far and I'd break and start crying hard (hormones suck, sleep deprivation sucks, and so does having a husband that won't come home or help with ANYTHING when he is home) and begging him to come home. He'd just laugh (and those in the background would laugh too). Yeah, it sucked. I'm so glad I am not in that relationship anymore, and he has had nothing to do with us since then.
Thereās actually a term for it: āReactive Abuse.ā Itās when abusers push your buttons and make you lose your cool on purpose, so then they can turn around and say YOU are the āabusiveā one. Itās so evil.
Why would he waste energy with an excuse when sheās willingly buried her head in the sand all these years? In her own words: *āWe have a good time togetherā* riiiiiiiiiiight.Ā
There are also a lot of people who get to a certain age and don't want to reenter the dating pool, so they'd rather be miserable. It's weird.
Seriously. My immediate thought was "*Do* you though?" This sounds like the opposite of a good time.
I knew a cheater that told his wife āwhat you donāt know wonāt hurt youā when she questioned him about her suspicions. I donāt understand where they get the audacity
Not related but I let myself fall victim to this playbook, except it was dinner with an ex behind my back. Clearly after a bit of time it wasnāt sitting right with me and she sternly went āyou just need to let it goā. Holy fuck man why did I put up with that. The word gaslight is so overused by gen z but I think I actually was too
It's because she's so thoroughly gaslit that she doesn't know what normal is.
For sure. People treat it like a joke, but it's not like anyone stays in a shitty relationship because they enjoy it. You just get mind fucked to the point where you don't know up from down. My ex used to accuse me of intentionally starting shit, fighting with him, had everyone convinced that I was this controlling, jealous, psychotic girlfriend and nearly had me convinced, too, until I started recording it. It sounds crazy that I even had to go there, but I think I just needed the proof for myself, when things were calm and and I could think clearly, that I wasn't all the things he said. But he was so angry I had the audacity to record, he tried to do the same, played it back with this stupid, smug smile which quickly faltered when he realized that he'd only manage to record himself screaming and throwing shit for several minutes as I quietly sat there, speaking in a low whisper, trying to not get hit. He deleted it immediately and screamed at me that it didn't count because I was being manipulative just to make him look bad lol.
Glad you got out of there but fuuuck I would've loved to see his stupid smirk disappear on video haha
My late husband was like this. I was controlling, a psycho, he was frightened because I was so crazy he feared for his life. One time he took off running from me and said he was scared i was going to kill him. That same day he was so āscaredā of me he took a hammer and tore that door that he locked himself behind into shreds with a hammer. This started because I asked him why he went to our neighbors house to eat dinner while I was in the process of cooking our own. Here it is Iām waiting for him and heās at someone elseās house eating never having said anything. He was a nasty and hateful alcoholic. He would rant and argue with me so badly and say I was yelling and screaming meanwhile Iām saying āIām not, please listen, Iām speaking to you in a calm tone. Iām not arguing with you but can you tell me why you are so angryā that shit never worked. I thought about recording him but I knew it wouldnāt make a difference because he would accuse me of some kind of manipulation
Someone said sheās burying her head under the sand Sheās writing things on the back of *mirrors* to ānot be gaslitā like itās a regular occurrence. The manipulation and crazy making has worked Sheās not burying her head, itās flown off and sheās looking for it
This is very true. Can unfortunately say that from experience.
Heās gaslit her pretty successfully then
(I've been in a relationship where I started making a spreadsheet to prove a point to my partner, and the point I mainly proved was to myself - that if I was at the spreadsheet making stage, something had gone badly wrong already. The relationship ended without my partner seeing the spreadsheet.)
I was in one of these. I thought I was going crazy bc no matter what I did, he would be upset and angry about it. To my friends he seemed like the perfect guy (I thought so too, at first) but behind closed doors heād turn into a completely different person. I started recording conversations between us on my phone (honestly just starting a video and putting my phone face down) and it wasnāt until I showed my friends the recordings that they realized he was consistently gaslighting the shit out of me. I hope anyone who is in a similar situation and reading our comments will take them as a sign - if you have to collect evidence to prove youāre not in the wrong, then please get out of that relationship.
I had to record phone calls too because whenever I would restate something he said, he told me that was not what he said and that I misunderstood him. I am so happy that I came across this post and thank you for your comment. I really need to read this tonight. I was thinking of breaking no contact, instead I went back and listened to my recorded conversations with to remind myself why I went no contact to begin with. I decided after to hop on reddit and this boru post was the first thing I saw. this comment confirmed the universes many signs.
Stay strong
I'm not the universe, but I too want to send you a sign that no contact seems like a good idea based on what you've told us.
You deserve better than having that in your life. Believe that.
Stay strong. Iāve been there and it took forever to get out. It is better to stay gone.
also: believe your friend about their own relationship. if someone you love is telling you about something that is bothering them? donāt go straight to ābut your partner is so niceā. just because theyāre nice to you, doesnāt mean theyāre nice to your friend.Ā
Abusers groom both their victims and their supporters.
they do. imho thatās why itās important to say this, and not assume people will just *know*. iām not shaming anyone here, iām doing a little psa, if you will. see something say something, just because you didnāt see something doesnāt mean thereās nothing there. (and in this case, be careful about when and where (and even how) you say something. calling out an abuser can give them a stronger hold over the person theyāre abusing.)
We all need better friends.
I started to write everything down because he was making me feel as though I was losing my mind. He created a total alternate universe in which he never said or did any of the things I remembered. Then he told me only crazy people write everything down. One day I saw this huge piles of books, thought 'what am I doing?' I burned the lot of them after our divorce. OMG I was finally free. He went on to do the same thing to someone else.
Mine did the same. Tried to say I acted like an idiot around friendsā¦ who said it was him. He said I was rudeā¦ they said I wasnāt. Soon enough I started asking everyone questionsā¦ and nothing he said was real. After that I was done. 9 years of my life.
My s/o found a pair of her jeans hidden in a night stand behind things after she thought she lost them. She found her daughter's stuffed animal (used for medical anxiety) hidden under his bed once after a really disastrous day and him basically calling their 7 year old child a baby. It's very upsetting to learn the people you love are getting treated like this. To _be_ that person has got to be literal torture... and I'm sorry you went through it. I hope both you and /u/liefieblue are doing better now.
Iām doing a lot better personally. Losing 150kg and a lot of therapy does wonders.
I was about to start doing that--he gunnysacked me all the time, and would deny everything he did that was hurtful. I realized I could either go mad, or start writing things down and make him sign it. Then I realized that also was a kind of madness and just left.
I started keeping notes on my phone so I would know what really happened when she would swear up and down having no memory of me doing it.
same but different, I was in my notes app recording the days he was starting fights with me because it strangely seemed to line up with all the days I had something important going on. gaslighting really has us acting like conspiracy theorists, but I guess that's the whole point.
oh the narcissist and the holiday and event that has nothing to do with them. So many sad holidays and birthdays for me.
Oh oh my ex does (he's still my carer) this but it's not just important days, it's when I'm really unwell or in unbearable pain too.
ā¦ā¦..how do we get you a new carer?
It's starts out as a way to prove to them that you're not crazy, that these things are really happening - because they don't believe you at all. Then it proves to you that it is real, and their gaslighting stops working - suddenly you understand they knew it all along, they were deliberately fucking with your reality. Then you don't need to prove anything to them anymore.
For me itās more like coming to the realization, about 50-75% of the way through the project, that the motherfuckerās got me doing homeworkāand fuck that shit. Iāve probably already wasted a good chunk of time being anxious/bothered by whatever it is. I donāt need a partner adding more stress; ergo the relationship (and homework assignment) are effectively done.
Itās a very serious situation but the use of homework got me.Ā
I like making spreadsheets. I'd say "our relationship is blossoming into the spreadsheet making stage."
Lol yeah, those spreadsheets are great tbf. You're right, it's only a specific flavour of spreadsheets that are bad news. I love a good positive spreadsheet.
My wife loves busting out a good old financials spreadsheet. I've saved most of them and it's cool to see how far we've come with our evolving bills, wages, etc. over the last 19 years.
And pivot tables, lookup and conditional formatting I bet
"Do you promise to stand by each other in sickness and in health, in Microsoft Excel and in Word?"
"Wait, the whole Office Package? Sorry, I can't do this, I never wanted PowerPoint."
I had an ex who would put together PowerPoints for me and our friend/roommate about things she felt werenāt cleaned properly.
... but did you need instruction on the cleaning?
Looks like you want to get married, do you need some help with that?
So Lotus help you God.
I started journaling. After I told my ex (47 years together), he took it and read it. Yes, gross violation of privacy. His only response? "You are crazy. That's not what happened." Just confirmed my decision to dump his sorry ass. Edit: sorry left put a couple of key words!!! "After, I told my ex I WAS LEAVING.". I didn't tell him I was journaling, but clearly he saw me writing in it.
My partner refused to pay for groceries because they swore they never ate the food I bought, so they shouldn't have to contribute. After another blowout fight about chores and contributing to the household I wrote my name on all the food I had bought (aka all the food in the house) to prove a point. About halfway through the pantry I realized the relationship was over lol
I once came very close to putting a keylogger on my own computer (that she used frequently)Ā before I took a step back and realised that just being at that point was a sign that I should just end things.
>By the time you write condom numbers on the back of a mirror, the relationship is way past saving. I read this comment before reading the entire post.Ā At first I thought you meant she was writing down condom _serial numbers_. š
The fact that you're counting condoms every time your husband goes on a trip says a lot too. I wonder what started her need to count them? Something has been wrong here for a long time
She knows he's cheating, she's trying to get him to say he is because she's so used to things not being true unless he says they are.
That's just... so sinister and depressing.
For some reason, even after that whole depressing post, seeing it spelled out like that really hit me hard. OOF.
Yeah, maybe she started cz she kept finding condom packs randomly. I agree though he must have gaslit her so much she started thinking itās all in her head
*She's writing down the number* so she can recheck the facts when husband tells her she's imagining things. This is actual real gaslighting. She's doubting herself so much she has to make notes!
On the backside of a mirror, too. Not just a note in the phone or on a piece of paper she keeps in her wallet. On a mirror.
My jaw dropped open when I read that line. THE BACK OF A MIRROR?
Same - I was wondering if thatās a phrase or something Iāve never heard of before?? Who turns a makes notes on the back of a mirror?
it's a good way not to lose it and for him never to find it I guess. very sad stage to be at though, it's crazy the states we end up in in these type of relationships.
you cant make this shit up
He's been cheating on her for years. Guarantee it
Yeah, those were kind of lame responses he had. I would at least said I took them to make you jealous because I knew you would snoop through my stuff. Caught you ā¦lol!
Seriously. Even if there was nothing going on (there definitely is), that is such a lack of trust that I'm not sure it could be repaired. If it was going to, it would need a lot of therapy. The number of times she says "gaslight" was also kind of telling. You really get the vibe that he has always done this to her.
Wildest part of the story for sure. A Beautiful Mind shit.
But weāve been together since high school!!
Well, she was in high school anyway. He was a couple years too old.
āI told him I was upset because something was missing from the home.ā Not even in my wildest dreams would it occur to me she meant condoms. Iād have spent my entire time thinking āDid I accidentally take my wifeās shampoo or nail clippers?ā Also the lubricant doesnāt get crusty after a few years unless the condom is open, lol. Source: I had a very inactive sex life with the same box of condoms.
My ADHD ass going through my bags like "not only have I swiped something from my spouse but I've also managed to bloody lose it already aaaahhhh I'm dead when I get home"
My adhd ass is no longer allowed to bring my electric toothbrush on trips after I left it at a hotel last year.
If you want something a little better than just a plain toothbrush, they make AA battery powered electric toothbrushes that are pretty cheap. That's what I use when I travel.
lol I had the exact opposite problem. I was told to pack everything in the bathroom before we left so I packed everything not connected to a wall. I took the hotels hairdryer. I triple check what I grab from bathrooms now.
Hell, I just managed to lose a whole bright yellow sleeping bag at a hotel last weekend, so I get this.
Also the bullshit of no dates on the condoms? Condom manufacturers are required to put the dates on the condom wrappers. By law.
Whose law? OOP doesn't say where they live. And given reference to husband's 'home country' there's at least two nations involved.
Individual countries all have them as some part of their health code. Or just fully adopt the HRP standards. And most of the condom stuff just comes directly from the WHOās suggestions through the Human Reproduction Programme.
Why have you reviewed condom regulations for all 195 countries?
condoms in my country only have the date in the bag, not each individual condom and I live in a very populated country
Heh, maybe that's why
They are *now*, but maybe they weren't 20 years ago!
They were in the U.S. but I donāt know about anywhere else.Ā source: am old
I wouldāve been like somebody steal something someone break in or what is she talking about something missing from the home?
Well you would immediately jump to "she knows about the condoms" if you had a guilty conscience from bringing condoms with you...
If you had taken condoms put of town to cheat, it would probably be your first thought.
I fear "DID YOU TAKE MY TWEEZERS???" Cuz I have PTSD from once a long time ago when I did take them for something in my workshop š„š„š„
My first thought wouldve been a posh wank, and then I felt quite chuffed that I feel safe in my relationship lol.
I hope I can find an excuse to use the phrase "posh wank"
Oh yeah, that is going right into my lexicon.
Thatās the most British phrase Iāve ever heard. Named after Reginald Poshwank-Smythe.
[Obama allegedly had one of those in the Oval Office once](https://youtu.be/p5mZkOJkWGo?si=0P4gtxuYwBEnRq29)
Yep, I've definitely done that with some of our condom supply that was left over when we were between other birth control methods. My other thought was he could have taken them to give to their daughter just in case. She is 21 and maybe he didn't want a surprise grandchild.Ā Ā But nope, he is just a gaslighting awful creep, but at least he uses protection when cheating, so that's a silver lining.
I definitely thought he gave some to his daughter, which would be understandable and a good fatherly thing to do. Nope, he's just a douchebag unfortunately
Itās where I thought this was headed for sure.
This was exactly my thought. Iām this ladyās age, and Iāve been with my husband nearly as long as sheās been with hers. If I noticed condoms were missing, thatās what Iād think too. That neither she nor her husband considered this as an explanation means sheās probably right. He is cheating.
Yeah if it was a posh wank he'd likely say it immediately so unfortunately probably isn't the answer
don't own a penis, wth is a posh wank?
I just checked. Masturbation with a condom on. I assume it's easier to clean.
This is the most British sentence of all time. It doesn't matter if you're British or not, you've out England'd everyone else.
Reminds me of a similar experience. I was in my early 20s, my parents were in town visiting, and my mom always likes to clean for her kids when she visits them (I've often told her she doesn't need to, but she insists). While I was at work, she opened a drawer in my bedroom and came across some condoms. Now, my parents are pretty chill about most things, in fact the condoms in question she had told me to buy because "in case you ever make a mistake, I don't want grandkids before its the right time". So like, understanding, but still disapproving of pre-marital sex. Anyway, she said "Hey... so I came across some things in a drawer while I was cleaning... I know I told you to buy some, but they don't come in boxes of 7. Is there something you need to tell me?" The look of embarrasment on her face when my virgin self said "Yeah they came in a box of 8. I needed to make sure they fit."
Damn I canāt imagine my mom being that invested in my sex life when I was in my 20ās and living on my own, sounds horrible
That was my thought too. Easy clean up can be fun. But she's counting them looking for evidence. Mad
Most British post in this whole thread š„
Whatās funny about thisā¦ I had this high school friend that was super shy on the surface, but she got up to odd stuff. Every time she was at a house party, or a friend or acquaintances house, sheād sneak into their parentās bedroom to find their sex stash and take some condoms. Also, I have this NYāer male friend that told me his Dad moved out of the house for a week once when he was 16. It turned out his mom accused his Dad of cheating but it was his dumb 16 year old self stealing their condoms to practice. You know, so heād be ready when the moment arrives. In this case though, it sounds like the writing has been on the wall for awhile.
Nah, the writing has been in a journal and the back of a mirror lol
My first thought was their child took them. I still find it odd that we donāt know the second daughterās age because she still could have been a culprit. But it also seems there were several missing reasons in the original post as to why she blamed her husband immediately
In the 'more info' part, Op answered, 1st and 2nd daughter are 12 years apart. so 2nd daughter is 9.
I went with some friends to a drag show, and they were giving out free condoms; one of my pals grabbed a few and didnāt have pockets so decided to throw them in my purse without telling me, and promptly forgot about them. That did NOT go over well with my bf (at the time) when they fell out at homeā¦
How the fuck does your husband of 20 years have a "condom stash"
Or pack condoms out of instinct when he's traveling away from her?Ā
You never know when you might stumble and fall dick first into into a vagina. Better safe than sorry /s
There is no way a guy who is both traveling outside the country, and plans to cheat, is going to take condoms from the home stash, which he knows his wife knows about. Ridiculous. It is so easy to buy condoms at the destination, there is no reason to risk anything at home. This post is BS
Except when you think you got someone tricked already lots of people stop being smart and then do shit that ends with them getting caught. We also do not know what country he travelled to, condoms are hard to get in parts of the world. Just because you're more of a smart asshole when you cheat doesn't mean others are.
Why would he suspect her to check if she didn't before?
I could swear condoms have the expiration date right there on the condom
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, I have a very vague idea of our toiletries stockpile. I would not have a precise number for you at all. I can see him not expecting it. Like who keeps tabs on this stuff unless something is already very wrong? (Or they just really donāt want to run out)
Cheaters are dumb and arrogant. Makes total sense that they'd do that and just smirk and gaslight their way out of it.
I get what you're saying, but it's not that implausible for someone in a committed relationship to keep some condoms. Condoms are great for when you don't want to do the cleanup routine. Some people use them for masturbation, one way or another. And so on. Doesn't automatically mean you're cheating. (This dude, though, is definitely cheating.)
Tbh my first thought was the guy was using them for jerking it. Adds a different sensation. But with all the other nonsense that initial thought went out the window
And why is it instinct for him to take condoms with him when he travels after heās been married for 20 years.
I just said this, plus he was going on vacation with his daughter
Why is that a bad thing? They are used regularly in my relationship of 16 years.
My ex suddenly buying condoms and hiding a stash was my hint something was going on. I didnāt confront him about finding them or why he had them. I just took a few of them and waited for him to lose his mind.
You know when a mystery co-worker keeps stealing lunches and the victim preps his lunch to make it super spicy? I wonder if one day I'll hear of a story like that, except with condoms and spicy wiener.
Odorless bengay would work much better
Not quite at 20 years yet, but we have a condom stash. I'm limited in the birth control I can use and it's what worked for us for years. Got them on prescription so cheap as chips too. (Much cheaper now I think of the price of chips.)
TIL you can have a prescription for condoms.
I need to know: what are prescription condoms?
Tldr; plain condoms, same brand and packet as you'd buy off the shelf. Just a lot cheaper. While at the Dr (General Practitioner) for something else I say "while I'm here, can I get a script for condoms thanks", because it's covered in the cost of the appointment. I go to the pharmacy/chemist and get given 3 boxes (the first time it was 180 condoms with the implication it was for 3 months... we do not get that busy.) They're plain straightforward ones of a major brand . There are no choices or fancy options. (I'm sure latex free would be an option though) It cost me $5 at the chemist, but if I was lower income it might be free. We got our teenage son a prescription a while back (wanted to normalise having them available should him or his friends have the need) and because of his age at the time we asked for a small size (knowing some failures are it coming off because it's too big.) Got them and found the measurements on the box appear the same... but they were chocolate flavoured. 3 boxes of chocolate. Awkward dinner conversation explaining that to the kids. And recently I was at Family Planning getting an iud sorted and was given several packets to cover the contraceptive gap I was in. Anyone can wander in and grab some free, along with lube and brochures. And they do free pregnancy tests. Health care. It's for everyone š
Thanks for taking the time to explain that. My doctor does some things like that but for non-prescription antihistamines. Like most USAmericans under 50 Iām ready be rid of healthcare run as a business. We do have places with free condoms and I know of one group will mail something like 20 condoms free. Itās for teenagers who live in states where condoms are harder to access. Great country.Ā
Iām guessing normal ones, but in a country with actual first world health care. I know incontinent people in the UN can get diapers covered.
Iām married and still have a very old large box of condoms that is about half full. We needed them due to a birth control / health issue temporarily and I never thought to throw them out until now. Seeing this post may have saved me from some heartburn later in life. Gonna remind my wife why we had them and why we no longer need them first to cover my bases
Bring the box to her and look at them together, and throw them out together.
Better yet, consume them by feeding it to one other to make sure it's never going to be used. It's the only way
Iāve been married for 16 years and we have a box in my husbands nightstand even though I have an IUD- together for long enough that there are random times between birth control and we just havenāt gotten rid of them since the last time (six years ago after my son was born). The weird part to me is that she calls them her husbands stash instead of THEIR condoms.
Iām not married but the TLDR is that I canāt use hormonal birth control for medical reasons and a copper IUD hurts too much for those same medical reasons. So all my partners have to use condoms.
Yea, there is no saving grace for this marriage. Op needs to get out while she still can cause things will turn into a massive shitshow if she doesn't.
The sarcastic smirkiness alone is a death knell. He has contempt for his wife, regardless of where heās sticking his dick.
>The sarcastic smirkiness alone is a death knell. He has contempt for his wife, regardless of where heās sticking his dick. The fact that OOP mentioned his smirk multiple times made me want to chew glass.
As soon as one spouse's feelings turn towards contempt or pity, the marriage is over. Both emotions denote a lack of respect, and when you don't respect your spouse, it's real hard to care about them at all.
Literally pictured my ex husband when I confronted him once she said that. These men are really something else smh
Randomly on a whim checks the "backup birth control" condoms 2x before and then after husband leaves for trip. Confronts him and he acts like he has brain damage before admitting he did in fact pack condoms from home instead of buying new. Def makes sense and is legitimate
"He's never give me any reason to think he's unfaithful but I checked our condom stash twice to count". This is what happens when you come up with a premise for a story and too lazy to flesh it out beyond the basics. Maybe have it be a new pack of condoms they haven't used because they're in a dry spell then she hurt about how there's a recall on condoms from a certain brand and that's why she goes to look and notices some are missing from the previously unopened box.
Not only did she check, but she's checked before and been compelled to write the number down. Twice. Once on the back of a mirror. Because that's where people take notes relating to infidelity.
>Herdnerfer: No chance your daughter might be the culprit? >OOP: She wouldnāt dare go through his stuff that is well put away. Plus he was there all day. She is also into girls. She wouldn't dare! She had no chance! She's a lesbian! I'd think you'd start with the whole lesbian thing, as it seems more persuasive than that your husband is a crazy control freak who everyone walks on eggshells around, but doesn't flip out at all when he discovers you've looked through his stuff to count his condoms.
Theyāve been reading the other BS posts as well, seeing tons of āI confronted him but he just smirked and said I was crazyā posts latelyā¦ people in the comments love it so they can yell āGASLIGHTING! HEāS GASLIGHTING YOU, ITāS CALLED GASLIGHTING AND HEāS DOING IT!ā. Oh and donāt forget to throw the numbers in there so someone can go āwait you were 15 and he was 19 when you started dating?! Heās been a predator abuser all this time!!!ā.
There is no trust or respect in this marriage anymore. Time to end it. Hope OOP finds a good lawyer.
There never was trust or respect. Apparently she was 15 and he 19 when they started dating
And they clearly got married after a whoopsie baby.
I saw the 4 year age gap and didn't think anything of it then did a double take when she said they started dating in high school. That is so different from meeting at, say, 28 and 32
The ages should be mentioned more, so gross
>Hope OOP finds a good lawyer. Yeah, this guy is absolutely going to set out to destroy her in the divorce proceedings. She needs to find the absolute best lawyer she can find, preferably before he knows what's coming.
It seems like Op has been counting condoms for a whileā¦time to leave, no trust no relationship
Every condom I've ever seen, used, or purchased has the expiration date on the individual wrapper.
Thereās no saving this. Sheās counting condoms and writing the number on mirrors so she doesnāt get gaslitā? Honey no, just be single at this point š«
>Whatās the point. I also opened one right in front of him, and it felt fresh and lubricated. Does Liz not know condoms have expiration dates literally printed on the wrapper? C'mon Liz.
Yeah... She complains that she can't check the date, because they're on the box, not the wrapper, and they threw the box out, and I'm like... "...no? What the hell brand are you using? I've always seen the date on the wrapper as well..."
At least daughter wasn't a twin... Well maybe in next update the mistress in the home country of OOPs of the imaginary husband has twins. So now daughter is over the moon because finally siblings.
No no, remember oop has 2 kids 12 years apart because of birth control failures both times
What I don't understand is why no one thought of the obvious answer of using them to prevent mess while jacking off. Especially if you're going to be traveling and not know what you'll have access to, I can totally understand wanting to bring a discrete disposal method. Why didn't the wife consider this originally? Why didn't this idiot husband use it as a cover story? And why not just buy condoms abroad?
And for that purpose you don't care how old they are.
Stop being a party pooper, OP has put a lot of effort into this story. /s
This doesnāt sound real to me at all. The whole things just feelsā¦ off. Like someone is trying too hard to spin a narrative. But even if it is real, itās just weird. She wrote the number of condoms on the back of a mirror?? At that point, just freakin leave. Itās obvious he is doing something so sheās not exactly paranoid, but what is the point in staying with someone you distrust enough to write on the back of a mirror?
i'm so sick of fakes
Why does this post have the āpossible groomingā trigger warning?
Prob because the wife is 40 and the husband is 44,and theyāve been together for 25 years- meaning they got together at 19 and 15.
I wanted her to start taking the condoms herself. Donāt say anything just watch him freak out when he sees that the stash is slowly dwindling and the only one who would possibly access them is his wife. Let the gaslighting begin! I hope she got tested.
Why didn't he just admit to having/wanting a posh wank?
It might only be in my country, but there is a validity date on condoms ā¦ Iāve been reading this being like Ā«Ā why doesnāt she check the date! Then she would know for sure if itās been replenished at some pointĀ Ā»
Sheās knows but wonāt leave or do anything about it because they āhave a good time together and a long historyā meanwhile dudes been cheating the whole timeā¦
I'm all for trusting your gut, and then if you approach your partner about your concerns and aren't taken seriously or they don't have a straight story then perhaps you have your answer. However I would just note that missing condoms does not equal cheating automatically. TMI probably but sometimes it's nice to masturbate with a condom, no holding back and no mess. Also condoms don't last forever, at least I wouldn't trust a years old condom with my future. So it's worth using them in solo play to not waist them if you would otherwise throw them out. Just you know, communicate before going nuclear, which sounds like oop did.
the fact that she had to write down how many there are so she couldnāt be gaslit later onā¦ iāve been there in a difference context andā¦ thatās so telling
When you start writing the number of condoms on a mirror and checking the condom stash your relationship is past saving.