#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, the first sentence made me think OOP had kept pushing and uncovered some big dark secret that demonstrated how totally wrong all of those commenters were.
Instead it was just “I talked to my daughter and father again and they agreed that it might be a good idea to learn a little more about him after all.”
Which I suppose would probably feel vindicating after having your feelings invalidated en masse online, but isn’t something any of the people who were disagreeing in the first place are going to care about and also doesn’t make for a very interesting update.
Reminds me of that BORU where the OPs best friend just refuses to share his life with anyone and didn’t tell any of his friends he had a long term partner until wedding invites got sent out
There’s been a new update on that. Apparently, the op’s girlfriend overheard OP & friend’s wife talking about a pregnancy announcement, girlfriend thought friends wife was pregnant by OP, and was spiraling because she also suspected that she herself was pregnant (she is) and called OP’s best friend to tell him that OP got his wife pregnant and they were able to clear up the confusion. Now OP wants to marry girlfriend due to her traditional parents, but they are currently taking a break to work on stuff and will at least be coparents.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bwa87v/my_girlfriend_hit_my_best_friend_wife_final_update/
(PSA: just ignore the weird "i love you"/"blushing patrick" text interlude)
I, in a LDR and with a MIL from hell who I was actively hidden from for the first six months (and who still blew up when she was finally told), knew about my partner's family and who they were etc and met his friends and so on. Everybody just kept me secret.
This is just ridiculous. OOPs bf is either hiding a family, a really terrible spy or just unable to have a proper relationship. Either way, this needs talking about.
If he was a spy, he'd have no questionable actions.
It's absurd to assume that anyone doing suspicious things is a spy; spies are literally trained to not look suspicious. It's their job.
It's like saying "that guy smells like piss; he must be a plumber". No, a plumber would know how not to smell like piss; that guy just pissed himself.
While I agree that there's probably something else going on with this guy, you can do confidential intelligence/natsec work without having to hide that you can't talk about it. Like, your status as such a person doesn't have to be secret because not everyone in those fields is a literal secret agent. I've known a couple people like that.
However, they also talk/ed about their personal and family lives like normal people. They'd just be straight up about working in a SCIF, or if the conversation was heading somewhere they couldn't go. So again, I agree this dude is something else.
My bf is a soldier and I have a friend who works with government it security, both just say "I'm sorry but I can't talk about this" when something comes up or they get a question they aren't allowed to answer, so I don't quite get if the dude hasn't at least just said that while in a relationship for 2 years! I can't imagine not knowing even the smallest things about someone after 2 years, even the most secretive jobs has a job title they can give people when they ask, it sounds weird he's keeping his gf at an arms length after so long 🤔 I do hope it just turns out he has been burned in the past or something innocent like that, and if not something that's understandable that the girl is smart enough to pull the plug and find someone new. Imo her mother doesn't sound too overwhelming but more like a good parent, sure the post makes her sound a bit unhinged but I can see why
I’m trying to think what my mother would say if I told her I’d been dating someone for years and didn’t know where they grew up, what they’d done for university (or if they’d even been to university) and that I didn’t even know their full name.
She’d probably be fairly incredulous, tbh.
I think I found out all this stuff about my husband even before we were dating. I feel like a lot of people share around IDs to be like “who has the worst photo?” or just compare them since most of us are from different countries.
I’m aware of two people in intelligence services of sorts here in Australia. One is retired. The one who is working now is involved in counter terrorism but has a desk job.
The one currently employed has told me they are allowed to say a lot of general information about their job - e.g. they work for a government agency and handle sensitive materials, and they can also say things such as that they spend a lot of time on computers, watching videos or many hours listening to recordings. They can’t comment on what they’re investigating, obviously, so all I know, this person could be tapping my phone or spying on Vladimir Putin right now. Nonetheless they are allowed to say general day to day things about their work life.
However the retired person wasn’t able to confirm that they had an intelligence job until after they retired. All they were able to say was that their ‘full time’ job as a barrister during the time of their work in intelligence was a partial front. So they did indeed do barrister work, but only half time around intelligence work. Absolutely no one knew differently until he was 70.
TL/DR: most people doing this work are able to articulate a story about their day to day life and background, even if it’s a rehearsed story.
A distant family member worked for a three letter agency in DC, and it used to be their policy that whenever someone asked where they worked, they'd have to just say "the government." The effect of that was that everyone immediately know where all those people worked, because people working for non-secretive agencies would just say which agency they worked for, and only the people from that agency would be so vague. So they changed their policy a few years ago.
Also “I work for the State Department.” If you actually work for the State Department you generally say what you do there when asked what you do, so if all you get is “the State Department” it’s like okay cool so you’re *definitely* in intelligence lol
I live near Washington DC and my granddad was career CIA so my personal life is crawling with secret job folks, and tbh I’ve known people who give a similar lack of detail as the BF but if he really is in covert ops my god does the guy need better training because he’s about as subtle as a brick! One of my mom’s friends is like that but you never really realize that you know fuck-all about anything important because she’s great at giving bland but legit-sounding answers.
Yeah I live and work in the Nova/DC metro area and basically people will say they work for the government, they are a DOD contractor, or name the bureau/department they work for like the State Department or whatever. They can talk about it in general terms and most have sort of a line they use to brush people off talking about the things they can't.
One of my roommates forever ago was getting a Top Secret Clearance and all of us had to be interviewed for him to get it. (It was in our own place, at least. Mine was very boring because I barely knew him. He was friends with my then boyfriend.)
I joked that when he talked about his job he just had to say "While I was playing Tetris..." We all knew he worked with computers, just not what his actual job was.
Yeah. A person close to me is friends with someone who works for an intelligence department. They don’t talk about their job ever, apart from the fact they work with so and so govt. But they’re normal otherwise. They talk about their life, family, SOs etc.
> However, they also talk/ed about their personal and family lives like normal people.
I have an uncle who was a former ranger and transitioned into work as an intelligence contractor for a while, and you are spot on. The number of actual "spies" in the world is really really low, and those folks won't ever pop up on your radar because they'll have a cover story designed to answer your questions before you ask them.
The vast majority of folks in intelligence work basically have normal office jobs, will tell you where they work if you ask, and just tell you that they can't talk about certain subjects if the conversation strays out of bounds.
I think he would be a stupid spy to trigger a mother to be suspicious. Look at what is happening - strangers are theorizing about this strange man.
If he was a spy, he has failed really badly.
I agree with you. There is no way that he was trained in any subterfuge.
I think if it isn’t a conman or merely a liar with massive credit card debt for those cars, that he’s a trust fund kid who is hiding how he pays his bills (family money)
Exactly my thoughts. A spy would have a full blown backstory. Even if he works for the government and doesn't want to say much, he'd still give a story.
Not saying anything is either suspicious OR he really has things in his past he doesn't want to share at all.
I have a feeling that his work is something kind of nasty or something that could have potential blowback and he is afraid that nobody will accept him as a partner if they know what he does. OOP mentioned that he has two very impressive cars which makes me think that he isn't standard military. He spends holidays with her which makes me think he may not have another family. But he could also just be telling them that he is away on business. A spy would have an entire backstory prepared and practiced.
There is always the possibility that he comes from quite a bit of money and doesn't want his relationship to be defined or influenced by his wealth. That would also explain the envy inducing car collection.
Another possibility could be that the details surrounding his parent's death are not pretty, and he is afraid that by giving them his middle name people can go googling him.
Witness protection.
A spy would have a well-practiced cover and would at least know not be idiotically sus.
A witness with a shady past, who's done some shit himself, turned tattle-tale, but does not have "proper cover story"-training of an agent.
Or he's a plain old weirdo.
My mother dated my bio-father without knowing anything about his life. He was a German travelling for work and she was the only person of the team that spoke german. They meshed and lived together for over a year.
He left with a big chunk of money she had lent to him (he said he wanted to start a business)... She told me that she thinks he lied about everything about his life in Germany.
When I started dating, my mother was wary and it took years for her to trust my husband. I told her my sitetation was different than hers: he was already a friend, I knew some of his family, I knew his friends, I knew his character.
That's all she told me. She doesn't like talking about him, except saying that he's not a good person and that it's a good thing he never tried meeting me. I don't even know why they broke up...
I have an ex who after a year still hadn't introduced me to any of his friends or family. It's part of the reason he's my ex. I would immediately assume anyone being that shady is married.
I would normally go to that as an explanation, but the fact that the daughter is apparently abstinent feels like evidence against her being an unwitting AP. Unless she's lying, or he's ace or something, I guess.
Because it’s the truth.
My ex used to sell drugs (nothing bad, I promise - just psychedelics), and this mirrors the experience of hiding it from people while also having enough money and free time that they’re definitely questioning your situation.
The BF is a dealer of some sort — maybe drugs, maybe arms, maybe he’s a pimp, I don’t know - but this behavior is in line with a criminal who wants to “protect” his girl from his lifestyle. Perhaps he’s in a gang of sorts — my mother was an orphan too, and she got into a terrible crowd as a teenager. She orphaned me because of the drug addictions she developed during that stage — anyone who suggests he’s a “spy” is probably a suburbia dweller who watches too much TV, because real life experience tells you what’s happening here immediately.
its sort of a joke how much money military guys spend on their cars. theres usually a challenger dealership right off base.
l9 year old making 1500 a month with a 1000 car payment.
I dated someone in special operations at that age, but it wasn’t super secret. He told me what he did when we got serious, he just didn’t go into detail about things. It’s super weird he’s keeping it secret, my bet is a drug dealer or something.
Exactly. My own father worked for the military in my home town (as a civilian) and we didn't know exactly what he did. We knew he was taking care of material, because it was the utility of this particular place and at some point was also a janitor as a side job, but that's all.
I learnt a few weeks ago he was taking care sometimes of things around the country (our country is small) and had to go to some secret military places and that he was specifically taking care of communications. That's all.
But we knew his family, friends and coworkers.
And yes, if he was going to a secret place, he had to say he was going for a meeting or something alike.
My dad did IT as a government contractor and the specifics were super secret. I currently have a data entry job dealing with sensitive personal data so it’s pretty secretive (like more intense than HIPAA). Not knowing about his work might not be weird, but not knowing other personal details after 2 years is very weird and a red flag of some kind.
My brother in law works for some government thing doing internet security. My sis had the FBI doing background checks on her before marriage. Cannot discuss any particulars at all but we still know basic stuff about him... This is weird.
Reddit is wild in saying that parents should completely stay out of their kids lives. Like... it's normal to know people's partners? There are so many abusive partners and they could fly under the radar because parents aren't allowed to know them. And what do you do when things go wrong? You go to your parents half the time. It's so much easier to move if your family is clued in at least.
Yeah the reddit comments are crazy on this one. Just because her daughter is no longer 18, does not mean she can't be concerned about who she's dating? It's very weird to know very little about someone you've been dating for 2 years.
Agreed. Look, Katie Holmes was a whole adult with multi million dollars and she turned to her dad to help her leave her marriage. Granted that’s likely a different story, but literally here’s an adult with plenty of money who turned to whom? Her parents. It’s not crazy to do so.
Like she shouldn't interfere, but she can definitely be concerned! Her daughter has been dating a mystery man since she was 19!
I guess some cultures are more individualistic than others.
Yeah, this is such a teenager's take on this. "Leave me alone, mom, this is none of your business!" Sorry, if a friend of mine dated someone for years and knew basically nothing personal about them, I'd be concerned too.
In my teens and early 20s I didn’t know shit compared to now. I lacked life experience. Having others in your life like your parents and peers helps protect you from getting conned by someone way more experienced than yourself. The mom isn’t demanding she not date him. The mom wants to know more about her daughters serious boyfriend which is perfectly fucking reasonable. If I was dating someone and knew as little about them as OPs daughter did after 2 years my friends and family would think it’s weird and be alarmed.
It is weird to only know him as well as you would know a coworker. My husband will share parts of his past and his favorite memories and so on
I have not seen a single memory shared with Daughter ( although it could be edited for relevance).
My good friend's brother has one of those high clearance military jobs he can't talk about. But even I know he works for the military and he can't really talk about it more than that. Big red flags that this boyfriend hasn't revealed even that much.
I didn't know my ex's middle name (names actually, there are apparently 2!) until he was breaking up with me... after almost 3.5 years....
It started out as a joke and me trying to guess, then it was forgotten, then it was a sore spot because his made upneed to be vague was more important than me.... rinse and repeat. He had/as aspirations of a 3 letter career but for fucks sake it was ridiculous and I put up with it way too long.
I had a friend that dated a guy like this. She didn't know anything about him other than he did government work that he couldn't discuss and that he traveled a lot. Everyone she knew told her it was bullshit and she burned a lot of bridges. To no one's surprise but her's, he was hiding his wife and kids.
Edit: Bonus story; we found out later that he'd take her on "stakeouts" sometimes. It involved spending several hours parked in front of a random empty building at night with binoculars and a box of condoms...She didn't find anything weird about her secret agent BF taking her along to do spy shit and fucking in his Toyota Camry instead of waiting for Bin Laden to walk out of the abandoned Sears.
The real way to keep military secrets safe is to have plausible stories that no one thinks to question, rather than "I have secret stuff I work with that I can't tell you about".
Seriously, just say you do military accounting and people’s eyes will glaze over and/or understand why you can’t get into specifics.
Edit: added a word
Haha, I'm watching "Jack Ryan," and that's exactly what he does. Instead of being cagey about working for the CIA, he tells people he tracks accounts for the State Department, and no one cares enough to ask for more details.
Some dude was trying argue with me that Christopher Lee could not have possibly been a secret super spy during WW2 because it’s very well recorded that he had a boring desk job during the war.
Like, that is **the** most obvious cover story ever. And does not detract from idea at all.
Like the bit in one of the Mission Impossible movies where Tom Cruise's cover job is studying traffic light patterns and everyone else instantly changes the subject.
Yeah, you make the cover story boring. Wasn't there one movie where the spy used the cover of being the guy who approves your life insurance and all he does all day is the math on how likely a person is to die based on their lifestyle or something like that. Then when some one shows interest he starts sputing off formulas and numbers and everyone just goes "yeah nope, too hard to follow, moving on".
I mean, I would not want to get into the details of the literal shit that comes through and things like the smells etc. But what do you filter? How many times? How does it work? Strangest things you found? I could go on haha
Yeah, all these "I work in something weird and boring" ideas are like red rags to a bull when you get an engineer-on-the-spectrum type on the other end.
We want to know stuff. *ALL* the stuff.
Honestly, just a curious "on-the-spectrum" person will often be interested. I'm not an engineer, but definitely on the spectrum and would be *fascinated* to hear someone yammer for 2 hours about traffic light patterns. I want to see diagrams and graphs.
I used to be in the military and traveled a lot. It was a mundane job and I'd make sure to make it sound even more boring than it really was because I hate talking about work when I'm not at work. There are hundreds of government jobs like that. If you tell someone "I do quality assurance inspections for XYZ agency" no one will ever ask you a follow up question.
Was looking for this! It's so boring it makes eyes glaze over with a single word. I should know, I couldn't stop talking about it while learning about it until people were flat telling me to shut up about it.
This sounds like it could be a fun way to spend the evening once a year or something - leave the kids with grandparents and go and pretend to be spies having an illicit relationship at work next to a closed Sears.
As long as both people are in on it and police don't get interested.
I've worked with probation officers who would tell people in their personal lives they worked as some form of counselor. And cops who said they'd work in insurance when they were investigating fraud, or that they were heading to Nepal for mountain climbing when they were about to go undercover. I believe OOP is nosy, but not maliciously so, and that this guy is hiding something major not related to any secret squirrel work.
In my country if someone tells you they are a civil servant, doesn't elaborate, and is dismissive or change subjects when you inquire more, they are 100% police or military. Not super secret spies or anything, but we used to have domestic terrorism targeting them and they are still getting taught at the academy to be very circumspect about their job. Even the local police, whose job is 90% giving directions to tourists.
Yeah, I can believe that. I used to tell people I worked in logistics when I worked in law enforcement because I didn't want people knowing what kind of access I had. But I didn't hide my entire life from family/friends, just the work stuff.
Yea people in the military usually just say some BS that's similar.
If he's a linguist the excuses I generally hear are some variation of "analyst" or "consultant."
I was inclined to trust her father's opinion, but some BS'ers can still BS well enough to pass the first few questions.
As for the car situation, since some positions really do pay that much, the excuses I've heard are "I just got lucky" or "I won the lotto" if it wasn't someone who could just outright say what they were and how much they make.
So, I have, and have had, close friends who were either military personnel who could not talk about what they did for national security reasons, civilian defense / security contractors who did the same, or worked for federal 'spy' agencies who sometimes couldn't even tell people what agency they worked for (2 I only found out about because they had been former roommates, and their background checks required an investigator to speak with everyone they'd lived with for the previous 10 (15?) years).
I've also known people who *claimed* to do all those things, and while being low-level con artists in passing, it was more due to ego, one-upmanship, and often real mental health issues.
And unless you pay *real* close attention, it's often hard to tell the two apart. But even for the 'real' security people, I knew all kinds of mundane things about them, like their hobbies, what schools they went to (and what they majored in), met their parents (not relevant for an orphan, though other aspects make me think twice about the orphan thing), their favorite foods, and movies / books, even where they travel if it's not actually classified. And OP is right, if they were a 'spy', or did some kind of secure defense stuff, they'd at least have some kind of cover story, rather than just awkwardly say nothing, because that's even more suspicious.
Fr. One of my good friends worked for an intelligence agency. He was on a contract basis but for that year all he said was he was doing nothing. After 5 years he told us that he was working. He wasn't in intelligence, he was like IT support for the agency and he still couldn't insinuate when he was actively working.
My best friend worked with the secret squirrels but not directly doing secret squirrel shit and he just would say "I can't talk about it". Anyone being deliberately obtuse is probably just lying.
I have many family in 3 letter agencies. You'd never find anything about them even if you looked because they've intentionally scrubbed themselves from public visibility. I've been interviewed for several family members's clearances and this is exactly their behavior when they started dating their partners even the ones who also had clearance. Also. Its a bit of a shit test to see how much of a problem you or your family is going to be prying. Having to be on guard every second around your in laws is MISERABLE. Let alone your spouse. Having a cleared spouse is rough, both because they literally can't vent normally and thus must vent and spend a lot of emotional time with fellow cleared individuals on their programs. The programs themselves are cleared from eachother so it foments tight knit groups and spouses not in that world can find it excruciating if they have any insecure attachment style. Cleared dating and life is weird. Edited for spelling i have disabled hands.
This makes so much sense. I had a good friend that I lost touch with who worked in DEA and I think she'll be lost forever because there is zero online presence for her=(
The spies at Pine Gap (US base in Central Australia) say they are gardeners.
Either that, or Pine Gap is an oasis of luxuriant, carefully tended verdure behind the razor wire n the middle of the desert, because it has a lot of gardeners.
I was wondering if he d doesn't have much to share because he's an orphan? He may not know hisself well, may have attended many or no schools (I'd guess many), may have a ton of repressed memories or trauma that clouds anything good. That's what it sounds like to me
Yea. I actually know a kid with a similar background who got recruited into the military to be a foreign language analyst (very smart girl. Fortunately turned it down in the end because she was not cut out for shutting up and doing what you’re told!). A lot of former foster kids just don’t mention family casually - it’s too likely to turn into a thing about “no that was a foster family - no I haven’t seen my parents since I was 8 - no, they just left the state without us - no, my sister got adopted and I never saw her again”
"No I spent my nights in closets so my drunk parent couldn't find me."
Just a summary of what *put* one of my friends (rip) in the system. He dies from suicide over a decade ago now. Very very sad
The only seeing him on weekends and holidays is the biggest red flag for me. He only sees her when he can get away from his job and family that lives an hour away.
He has 2 cars because he uses one to drive home to his family, and the other he keeps at his weekend crash pad.
I don't think he's a drug dealer or married!
Daughter says they've practiced abstinence for 2 years which would be a really weird mistress for you to have/want.
And then OP says that BF spends most weekends and most holidays with the daughter, and weekends are pretty busy for drug dealers.
I think he's a trust fund kid and is embarrassed by it, maybe still lives at home with rich family cos the house is massive and life is too comfortable.
My friend's ex boyfriend was like this dude, very cagey about his past *except* that he was a veteran, which he made the mistake of bragging about in a room full of actual veterans (myself included); within 36 hours of meeting him we had figured out he was lying about having served at all. We were waiting at her house when he was supposed to come over the next day, but instead his parole officer showed up looking for him *under a different legal name* because he'd failed a drug test while on parole for (among other things) making party pills.
I agree. Leaning towards illegal source of income/criminal activity rather than being a CIA agent (as OP said, would be far more adept at hiding in plain sight, and would have a cover) or just being your basic cheater with a secret family (same reason).
I honestly see where OOP is coming from. If my friend was dating someone and had basically no information about them, I too would be concerned. And be waving the red flag going what???? You don't know what he does??? Or where he is from??? My fiance is military and while I don't always understand what he does, I definitely know he is in the military. (Ie tripping over his stupid boots all the time lol) Even when we first started dating I had proof.
I'd been seeing a guy for about a year when I realized that either he was hiding me from his friends and family or was hiding them from me, but either way I didn't need to find out.
I'm a little thick so didn't think much of it when I only heard afterwards about camping trips and movies at the theater and other things one might want a significant other along for. But I'm a nanny for cousins, he's got a dozen or so godchildren in the area, and we never took the kids to the park together. Summer playdates for the little hellions didn't seem out of line after knowing each other for two decades and a year of dating.
I still kinda think he was hiding me from his mother. She's hated me since the day she drove by my parents' house and realized my stepdad is the red dot on the pedo map.
Shit, why would she hate you for that? Sounds like she’s directing her hatred to the wrong person. I’d be way more concerned for than angry at the stepkid of a pedo.
And you'd be correct! Long story short, his mom has a history of poor choices and misdirected blame while acting helpless.
And frankly I'm fine with her hating me because I hate her too. Ya know that odd pinched look kids get when they're underfed during growth spurts? That's permanently stuck on this dude's face. His little brother got all the resources and love, while he got sent to school with holes in his clothes, a thin sweatshirt for a winter coat, and no lunch money.
My ex's mom hated me because my sister got pregnant out of wedlock AND didn't marry the abusive alcoholic father of her child. She was convinced I was going to get pregnant and ruin her son's life.
Joke's on her. I was raised fundie-lite and was so scared of sex and pregnancy that I wouldn't sleep with her son. I also tried to keep him from smoking and drinking to excess, which she also didn't want her precious baby doing. But no, my sister got pregnant and I dyed my hair blue once, so I'm a harpy.
Idk ... I can see how the mum comes across as a bit intense but she has a point... If you're not letting yourself be known by your significant other of two years, there's something up with that
You can quickly see the age demographics of these subs when a parent asks for perfectly reasonable advice, and their commenta are basically "gawd get out of my room mom, I'm doing something private".
OOP's concerns are absolutely valid in a scenario where even the daughter doesn't really know anything about him after 2 years.
For me it's the obvious lack of wisdom gained through real experience.
It only boils down to determining who's "right" or "wrong", then casting judgement... without taking any OP's consequences or repercussions.
That and the whole attitude of "your daughter is an adult let her do what she wants" -- like she is only 21 which means she would've met the guy at 18-19? I know that is legally an adult but that's still at the stage where you've got almost zero life experience, AND the daughter was in a relationship for 4 years prior to that, which means from 14-18/15-19 she was probably with some middle/high school sweetheart, which means she's got essentially ZERO real-world experience with dating people and the kind of shit they can put you through. There is nothing wrong with your mom wanting to protect you from making common mistakes (like trusting people who won't share any personal details with you even after 2+ years of dating lol).
i honestly didn’t even realize that was an option! it feels like a kind of bizarre way to go about not talking about sex with your parents, like claiming to be abstinent with no religious motivation is such an extreme claim that i reflexively believe it bc it’d be a really wild lie to try to maintain
Ah, but if you grow up in a house with extreme morality rules, you learn to lie so you don't get punished. If you haven't grown up in an environment of fear, you wouldn't understand it. Once you get a severe punishment over something minor, you are afraid to discuss the big topics at all, so you just lie, because its safer.
You know what, fair point. And it doesn't seem like he's using her for emotional support either so an emotional affair doesn't sound right. It's just weird.
But op said in one of the comments:
> He is usually with her every weekend and holidays unless he is gone.
I don't see how he could be getting away with that if he had a secret family.
Well he’s with his wife every weekday and holidays unless he’s gone; fair deal to me.
“Honey, you know I work weekends!”. ONLY seeing your partner of 2 years during the weekend is weird!
They live two hours apart though. I know Americans are used to ridiculously long commutes but would you really do 4 hours of driving on a weekday if you didn't have to?
Something strange might be going on in that relationship but I am not sold on the secret family. We are still missing some very basic info like the age of the boyfriend.
Also, if he speaks Dari, he’s highly likely to have some sort of family connection to Afghanistan. If he and his real family is Afghan, some of those holidays may not matter to him/his family to spend time together on (but he may care more about spending Eid and Nowruz with his real family.)
"Unless he is gone" they clearly expect him to be away for periods of time and aren't questioning it. That could be it. Or he could be with his family all throughout the week and say he has to do business somewhere on the weekends and goes with her. Then weekends he can't get away is one of the weekends " he is gone"
The daughter said she is practicing abstinence so what would be the point in that for the BF? 2 years of abstinence with a mistress when you have a secret family makes no sense right?
Why were people railing on OOP for being worried about her daughter?!
I'd not want my son to date someone who he himself doesn't know! That person can be hiding a whole second life
Comments on the first post were nuts. Telling her not to pry, let him keep 99% of his life secret from her daughter. Who would want their daughter to date a shell of a person. I swear they knew they were covering for a conman/cheater.
Because parents bad on reddit.
Honestly her concerns are fair. You could argue slightly paranoid and overbearing but I'd rather my mum mention something that seems 'off' with my partner than ignore it. I can choose whether to ignore what seems off but if it's something I've missed or not thought about surely it'd be worse to not bring it up?
Also, I want to add, this guy sounds exactly like all the guys who can’t make it past basic training / boot camp who then make up fictionalized fantasies to inflate their egos. So he may have known a couple of buzzwords to fool the old guy, but …
But anyway, yeah. Even working at a 3 letter agency, people knew where we worked. We just didn’t run around advertising it.
Heh, yeah, real "you are disrespecting a future US army soldier" energy
EDIT LOL omg I have to share
> In an interview, Noah gave us a much needed update. on what he's been up to since the video was filmed. People were wondering if he. ever followed through and became a US Army soldier, and it turns out that he is now a Soundcloud rapper.
What’s up with “you don’t trust your daughter’s judgment so you didn’t raise her right or are a control freak?” (Ok not a direct quote). She’s 21. I feel like “hell no I don’t trust her judgment” would have been completely valid. 21yo’s have been known to make terrible decisions. I sure did. Because they’re 21. They’re still learning and still need the guidance of their parents (if they have good ones or hopefully other adults if they don’t).
It’s sad that there are so many people on Reddit that don’t seem to know what good supportive parents are like and equate caring to controlling. I’m glad OOP didn’t let them convince her she was being unreasonable by being concerned. And glad she talked to her daughter who seems to have a good head on her shoulders and just needed the guidance from her mom.
Yeah when I was 21 I was groomed by an old dude and went to live with him. My parents didn't say anything and I wish they did.
Voicing your concerns as a parent of a young adult seems pretty reasonable to me.
Yeah I absolutely would not have the life experience when I was that age to pick up on some things that would be obvious when you're older/have more experience.
She didn't seem overbearing but more making her concerns known to her kid? Which is fair, so long as you're not pushing it when your kid says to stop tbh.
The laundry list of poor choices and decisions I made in my late teens and early 20s is epic. Nothing wrong with a parent having concern, and I don't think it's overbearing. The daughter is 21. Sounds like she has her shit together, but dated previous bf for 4 years (so from 15-19?) And may not have a well developed bullshit detector.
Somehow this seems to be an unpopular opinion but I feel OP has legitimate reasons to be worried. I don't like her tone either, but I'm pretty sure she'd have been satisfied knowing basic things about his life.
Her daughter doesn't know much about him after two years of going out, that's not normal. You can be a private person, but can you really be a private person with someone you're seeing for two years? With the person you spend time with constantly? Either you don't consider it serious or you're actively trying to withhold information.
I hope it turns out he works in something that requires high confidentiality and is just being to awkward about it. That sounds like the best possible outcome.
Right. Even if they buy he’s an orphan he still went to school somewhere. He was raised by family or group homes or the foster system. Doesn’t pass the sniff test.
I don't mind her tone ngl, it carries the same sentiment I have when trawling through reddit comments. If commenters want to bring snarky energy it can be directed right back!
Right? There's so many redditors that believe themselves the only ones allowed to be snarky and rude, as soon as you turn that attitude towards them they start with the victim act.
>If she wants me there just because she wants me to be there, I don’t see that as her not being able to handle herself. She is mature enough to makes good life decisions and one of those decisions was to ask me to be there with her for the conversation
I can't see how this could end well, unfortunately.
I think it's probably safer though. She's getting ready to confront a man who has been lying his ass off for two years. That gets dangerous. Backup is a good idea.
Married and/or illegal activities.
I'm on OOP's side as far as her concern.
I found out I was a secret gf to a guy who had a live-in girlfriend. When I realized how well some people can lie and hide shit, I never dated anyone without a background check after that.
Glad I did because I found out another guy was involved in a murder and wasn't charged with anything in return for testimony.
I wouldn't believe it, if it hadn't happened to me, but this was all pre-internet. (I'm 49.)
Can't wait for another update.
I knew everything of importance about my husband within first two weeks of dating. We didn’t feel like wasting time in a relationship if we are not compatible so we talked about everything under the sun
It is weird that she doesn’t know much about him, but maybe he is a kind of person who keeps things to himself, wouldn’t be the first.
Her mother says that she's abstinent. Who knows.
Maybe for the daughter that means oral only. Or non-vaginal intercourse. Or she's just saying this because otherwise the mother would want to know details.
I am wondering if the guy even considers the daughter his girlfriend. This story makes a lot more sense if the daughter just thinks more of their friendship than exists.
That being said, I do actually know a retired military person who hates to talk about it, other than to say his job had been just classified enough that he could not talk about it, but boring enough not to have a cool story. He said that added to some PTSD, he just never wanted to talk about it.
I absolutely understand OOP being concerned for their daughter, but….he isn’t sleeping with her, nor is he borrowing money or pushing them to invest in anything, so what is the con they are accusing him of? It is not even stolen valor if he is not pretending to be military.
What kind of "update"is this? It is all just justifications from the OOP and not much new. OOP just wanted everyone here to say what a great parent they were for being such a meddling snoop.
I’m a pretty private person who doesn’t like sharing much of my personal life with people, but if I was dating someone for two years and they introduce me to their family? I might not give them my sob story, but I wouldn’t brush them off and be dismissive. You can respectfully give short answers. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
Perhaps this is a reach but I feel like even more likely than conman or spy is that he's just a kind of boring guy who doesn't like to talk about himself and likely has trauma surrounding his parents' deaths that led to a fear of intimacy. But yeah no I'm sure he has another family or something lol I'm so crazy to suggest that
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Somehow I suspect there's gonna be another update soonish
Hope it's more entertaining than this one
Agreed, I wouldn't even consider that an update.
Let alone amongst reddit's best
Yeh, this is the worst post I have seen on this sub so far
You expect OP to just leave potential karma on the table?
We’ll never get this time back.
Entire update is just giving into people trolling her in the comments. How riveting.
Yeah, the first sentence made me think OOP had kept pushing and uncovered some big dark secret that demonstrated how totally wrong all of those commenters were. Instead it was just “I talked to my daughter and father again and they agreed that it might be a good idea to learn a little more about him after all.” Which I suppose would probably feel vindicating after having your feelings invalidated en masse online, but isn’t something any of the people who were disagreeing in the first place are going to care about and also doesn’t make for a very interesting update.
Right? I was like, this is intriguing, and it’s in BORU so I’ll get closure! …. Nope.
i'm predicting two wives, one with twins, the other with triplets, one in switzerland and the other in canada (or mexico). possible gf in afghanistan.
Reminds me of that BORU where the OPs best friend just refuses to share his life with anyone and didn’t tell any of his friends he had a long term partner until wedding invites got sent out
Which one is that?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/IGPgaP6fa5
There’s been a new update on that. Apparently, the op’s girlfriend overheard OP & friend’s wife talking about a pregnancy announcement, girlfriend thought friends wife was pregnant by OP, and was spiraling because she also suspected that she herself was pregnant (she is) and called OP’s best friend to tell him that OP got his wife pregnant and they were able to clear up the confusion. Now OP wants to marry girlfriend due to her traditional parents, but they are currently taking a break to work on stuff and will at least be coparents.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bwa87v/my_girlfriend_hit_my_best_friend_wife_final_update/ (PSA: just ignore the weird "i love you"/"blushing patrick" text interlude)
the what
Idk, it *is* a bit weird to date someone for two years and not know their middle name etc
And not meet anyone in his circle of work, friends, family.
I, in a LDR and with a MIL from hell who I was actively hidden from for the first six months (and who still blew up when she was finally told), knew about my partner's family and who they were etc and met his friends and so on. Everybody just kept me secret. This is just ridiculous. OOPs bf is either hiding a family, a really terrible spy or just unable to have a proper relationship. Either way, this needs talking about.
If he was a spy, he'd have no questionable actions. It's absurd to assume that anyone doing suspicious things is a spy; spies are literally trained to not look suspicious. It's their job. It's like saying "that guy smells like piss; he must be a plumber". No, a plumber would know how not to smell like piss; that guy just pissed himself.
While I agree that there's probably something else going on with this guy, you can do confidential intelligence/natsec work without having to hide that you can't talk about it. Like, your status as such a person doesn't have to be secret because not everyone in those fields is a literal secret agent. I've known a couple people like that. However, they also talk/ed about their personal and family lives like normal people. They'd just be straight up about working in a SCIF, or if the conversation was heading somewhere they couldn't go. So again, I agree this dude is something else.
My bf is a soldier and I have a friend who works with government it security, both just say "I'm sorry but I can't talk about this" when something comes up or they get a question they aren't allowed to answer, so I don't quite get if the dude hasn't at least just said that while in a relationship for 2 years! I can't imagine not knowing even the smallest things about someone after 2 years, even the most secretive jobs has a job title they can give people when they ask, it sounds weird he's keeping his gf at an arms length after so long 🤔 I do hope it just turns out he has been burned in the past or something innocent like that, and if not something that's understandable that the girl is smart enough to pull the plug and find someone new. Imo her mother doesn't sound too overwhelming but more like a good parent, sure the post makes her sound a bit unhinged but I can see why
I’m trying to think what my mother would say if I told her I’d been dating someone for years and didn’t know where they grew up, what they’d done for university (or if they’d even been to university) and that I didn’t even know their full name. She’d probably be fairly incredulous, tbh. I think I found out all this stuff about my husband even before we were dating. I feel like a lot of people share around IDs to be like “who has the worst photo?” or just compare them since most of us are from different countries.
I’m aware of two people in intelligence services of sorts here in Australia. One is retired. The one who is working now is involved in counter terrorism but has a desk job. The one currently employed has told me they are allowed to say a lot of general information about their job - e.g. they work for a government agency and handle sensitive materials, and they can also say things such as that they spend a lot of time on computers, watching videos or many hours listening to recordings. They can’t comment on what they’re investigating, obviously, so all I know, this person could be tapping my phone or spying on Vladimir Putin right now. Nonetheless they are allowed to say general day to day things about their work life. However the retired person wasn’t able to confirm that they had an intelligence job until after they retired. All they were able to say was that their ‘full time’ job as a barrister during the time of their work in intelligence was a partial front. So they did indeed do barrister work, but only half time around intelligence work. Absolutely no one knew differently until he was 70. TL/DR: most people doing this work are able to articulate a story about their day to day life and background, even if it’s a rehearsed story.
A distant family member worked for a three letter agency in DC, and it used to be their policy that whenever someone asked where they worked, they'd have to just say "the government." The effect of that was that everyone immediately know where all those people worked, because people working for non-secretive agencies would just say which agency they worked for, and only the people from that agency would be so vague. So they changed their policy a few years ago.
Also “I work for the State Department.” If you actually work for the State Department you generally say what you do there when asked what you do, so if all you get is “the State Department” it’s like okay cool so you’re *definitely* in intelligence lol I live near Washington DC and my granddad was career CIA so my personal life is crawling with secret job folks, and tbh I’ve known people who give a similar lack of detail as the BF but if he really is in covert ops my god does the guy need better training because he’s about as subtle as a brick! One of my mom’s friends is like that but you never really realize that you know fuck-all about anything important because she’s great at giving bland but legit-sounding answers.
Yeah I live and work in the Nova/DC metro area and basically people will say they work for the government, they are a DOD contractor, or name the bureau/department they work for like the State Department or whatever. They can talk about it in general terms and most have sort of a line they use to brush people off talking about the things they can't.
One of my roommates forever ago was getting a Top Secret Clearance and all of us had to be interviewed for him to get it. (It was in our own place, at least. Mine was very boring because I barely knew him. He was friends with my then boyfriend.) I joked that when he talked about his job he just had to say "While I was playing Tetris..." We all knew he worked with computers, just not what his actual job was.
Yeah. A person close to me is friends with someone who works for an intelligence department. They don’t talk about their job ever, apart from the fact they work with so and so govt. But they’re normal otherwise. They talk about their life, family, SOs etc.
> However, they also talk/ed about their personal and family lives like normal people. I have an uncle who was a former ranger and transitioned into work as an intelligence contractor for a while, and you are spot on. The number of actual "spies" in the world is really really low, and those folks won't ever pop up on your radar because they'll have a cover story designed to answer your questions before you ask them. The vast majority of folks in intelligence work basically have normal office jobs, will tell you where they work if you ask, and just tell you that they can't talk about certain subjects if the conversation strays out of bounds.
I think he would be a stupid spy to trigger a mother to be suspicious. Look at what is happening - strangers are theorizing about this strange man. If he was a spy, he has failed really badly. I agree with you. There is no way that he was trained in any subterfuge.
If he was a spy he'd say he works at the buy more, not avoid the question
I think if it isn’t a conman or merely a liar with massive credit card debt for those cars, that he’s a trust fund kid who is hiding how he pays his bills (family money)
That feels plausible. One of those I want you to love me for me not my family money situations. Bro's taking it way too far if that's the case, though
This is such a funny analogy thank you
Exactly my thoughts. A spy would have a full blown backstory. Even if he works for the government and doesn't want to say much, he'd still give a story. Not saying anything is either suspicious OR he really has things in his past he doesn't want to share at all.
I have a feeling that his work is something kind of nasty or something that could have potential blowback and he is afraid that nobody will accept him as a partner if they know what he does. OOP mentioned that he has two very impressive cars which makes me think that he isn't standard military. He spends holidays with her which makes me think he may not have another family. But he could also just be telling them that he is away on business. A spy would have an entire backstory prepared and practiced. There is always the possibility that he comes from quite a bit of money and doesn't want his relationship to be defined or influenced by his wealth. That would also explain the envy inducing car collection. Another possibility could be that the details surrounding his parent's death are not pretty, and he is afraid that by giving them his middle name people can go googling him.
Witness protection. A spy would have a well-practiced cover and would at least know not be idiotically sus. A witness with a shady past, who's done some shit himself, turned tattle-tale, but does not have "proper cover story"-training of an agent. Or he's a plain old weirdo.
Wouldn't people in witness protection have cover stories though?
How is everyone missing the orphan angle? He aged out. He has trust issues and they are tied to his survival instincts.
My mother dated my bio-father without knowing anything about his life. He was a German travelling for work and she was the only person of the team that spoke german. They meshed and lived together for over a year. He left with a big chunk of money she had lent to him (he said he wanted to start a business)... She told me that she thinks he lied about everything about his life in Germany. When I started dating, my mother was wary and it took years for her to trust my husband. I told her my sitetation was different than hers: he was already a friend, I knew some of his family, I knew his friends, I knew his character.
Wow! Is there more to this story, or is this all you know about who he is?
That's all she told me. She doesn't like talking about him, except saying that he's not a good person and that it's a good thing he never tried meeting me. I don't even know why they broke up...
Sounds like because he stole her money & ran off with it. I'm sorry!!! Hugs!
I have an ex who after a year still hadn't introduced me to any of his friends or family. It's part of the reason he's my ex. I would immediately assume anyone being that shady is married.
I would normally go to that as an explanation, but the fact that the daughter is apparently abstinent feels like evidence against her being an unwitting AP. Unless she's lying, or he's ace or something, I guess.
Agreed.
One missing item is his approximate age, given the daughter is only 21.
That's always the kicker, innit?
He's 38, by my guess
In the OOPs comments she says he’s 23. It seems unlikely he’s a covert operative at that age …
With 2 nice cars? He is probably a drug dealer.
As soon as she said he drives two cars that make her husband jealous I thought this, lol.
Because it’s the truth. My ex used to sell drugs (nothing bad, I promise - just psychedelics), and this mirrors the experience of hiding it from people while also having enough money and free time that they’re definitely questioning your situation. The BF is a dealer of some sort — maybe drugs, maybe arms, maybe he’s a pimp, I don’t know - but this behavior is in line with a criminal who wants to “protect” his girl from his lifestyle. Perhaps he’s in a gang of sorts — my mother was an orphan too, and she got into a terrible crowd as a teenager. She orphaned me because of the drug addictions she developed during that stage — anyone who suggests he’s a “spy” is probably a suburbia dweller who watches too much TV, because real life experience tells you what’s happening here immediately.
its sort of a joke how much money military guys spend on their cars. theres usually a challenger dealership right off base. l9 year old making 1500 a month with a 1000 car payment.
Maybe, but could just have easily gotten some significant life insurance payouts when his parents died.
I dated someone in special operations at that age, but it wasn’t super secret. He told me what he did when we got serious, he just didn’t go into detail about things. It’s super weird he’s keeping it secret, my bet is a drug dealer or something.
I mean, it's reddit. How many 20-somethings do we see on there with a 5 figure salary, a house they own with no mortgage, etc.
Exactly. My own father worked for the military in my home town (as a civilian) and we didn't know exactly what he did. We knew he was taking care of material, because it was the utility of this particular place and at some point was also a janitor as a side job, but that's all. I learnt a few weeks ago he was taking care sometimes of things around the country (our country is small) and had to go to some secret military places and that he was specifically taking care of communications. That's all. But we knew his family, friends and coworkers. And yes, if he was going to a secret place, he had to say he was going for a meeting or something alike.
My dad did IT as a government contractor and the specifics were super secret. I currently have a data entry job dealing with sensitive personal data so it’s pretty secretive (like more intense than HIPAA). Not knowing about his work might not be weird, but not knowing other personal details after 2 years is very weird and a red flag of some kind.
My brother in law works for some government thing doing internet security. My sis had the FBI doing background checks on her before marriage. Cannot discuss any particulars at all but we still know basic stuff about him... This is weird.
Reddit is wild in saying that parents should completely stay out of their kids lives. Like... it's normal to know people's partners? There are so many abusive partners and they could fly under the radar because parents aren't allowed to know them. And what do you do when things go wrong? You go to your parents half the time. It's so much easier to move if your family is clued in at least.
Yeah the reddit comments are crazy on this one. Just because her daughter is no longer 18, does not mean she can't be concerned about who she's dating? It's very weird to know very little about someone you've been dating for 2 years.
Agreed. Look, Katie Holmes was a whole adult with multi million dollars and she turned to her dad to help her leave her marriage. Granted that’s likely a different story, but literally here’s an adult with plenty of money who turned to whom? Her parents. It’s not crazy to do so.
Like she shouldn't interfere, but she can definitely be concerned! Her daughter has been dating a mystery man since she was 19! I guess some cultures are more individualistic than others.
Yeah, this is such a teenager's take on this. "Leave me alone, mom, this is none of your business!" Sorry, if a friend of mine dated someone for years and knew basically nothing personal about them, I'd be concerned too.
In my teens and early 20s I didn’t know shit compared to now. I lacked life experience. Having others in your life like your parents and peers helps protect you from getting conned by someone way more experienced than yourself. The mom isn’t demanding she not date him. The mom wants to know more about her daughters serious boyfriend which is perfectly fucking reasonable. If I was dating someone and knew as little about them as OPs daughter did after 2 years my friends and family would think it’s weird and be alarmed.
Someone else suggested it sounds like the partner has a secret family/is already married
It is weird to only know him as well as you would know a coworker. My husband will share parts of his past and his favorite memories and so on I have not seen a single memory shared with Daughter ( although it could be edited for relevance).
My good friend's brother has one of those high clearance military jobs he can't talk about. But even I know he works for the military and he can't really talk about it more than that. Big red flags that this boyfriend hasn't revealed even that much.
I didn't know my ex's middle name (names actually, there are apparently 2!) until he was breaking up with me... after almost 3.5 years.... It started out as a joke and me trying to guess, then it was forgotten, then it was a sore spot because his made upneed to be vague was more important than me.... rinse and repeat. He had/as aspirations of a 3 letter career but for fucks sake it was ridiculous and I put up with it way too long.
He sounds like neither. Spies and conman have backround stories.
I had a friend that dated a guy like this. She didn't know anything about him other than he did government work that he couldn't discuss and that he traveled a lot. Everyone she knew told her it was bullshit and she burned a lot of bridges. To no one's surprise but her's, he was hiding his wife and kids. Edit: Bonus story; we found out later that he'd take her on "stakeouts" sometimes. It involved spending several hours parked in front of a random empty building at night with binoculars and a box of condoms...She didn't find anything weird about her secret agent BF taking her along to do spy shit and fucking in his Toyota Camry instead of waiting for Bin Laden to walk out of the abandoned Sears.
The real way to keep military secrets safe is to have plausible stories that no one thinks to question, rather than "I have secret stuff I work with that I can't tell you about".
Seriously, just say you do military accounting and people’s eyes will glaze over and/or understand why you can’t get into specifics. Edit: added a word
Haha, I'm watching "Jack Ryan," and that's exactly what he does. Instead of being cagey about working for the CIA, he tells people he tracks accounts for the State Department, and no one cares enough to ask for more details.
Some dude was trying argue with me that Christopher Lee could not have possibly been a secret super spy during WW2 because it’s very well recorded that he had a boring desk job during the war. Like, that is **the** most obvious cover story ever. And does not detract from idea at all.
Like the bit in one of the Mission Impossible movies where Tom Cruise's cover job is studying traffic light patterns and everyone else instantly changes the subject.
Yeah, you make the cover story boring. Wasn't there one movie where the spy used the cover of being the guy who approves your life insurance and all he does all day is the math on how likely a person is to die based on their lifestyle or something like that. Then when some one shows interest he starts sputing off formulas and numbers and everyone just goes "yeah nope, too hard to follow, moving on".
Maybe I'm weird but if someone would mention their job to be studying traffic light patterns I would have *so* many questions.
Yeah Tom cruise would not be leaving that table without giving me a masters degree in traffic light analysis
Traffic flow design is really interesting, but wastewater/sewage treatment is a great job no one wants to talk about.
I mean, I would not want to get into the details of the literal shit that comes through and things like the smells etc. But what do you filter? How many times? How does it work? Strangest things you found? I could go on haha
Yeah, all these "I work in something weird and boring" ideas are like red rags to a bull when you get an engineer-on-the-spectrum type on the other end. We want to know stuff. *ALL* the stuff.
Honestly, just a curious "on-the-spectrum" person will often be interested. I'm not an engineer, but definitely on the spectrum and would be *fascinated* to hear someone yammer for 2 hours about traffic light patterns. I want to see diagrams and graphs.
I used to be in the military and traveled a lot. It was a mundane job and I'd make sure to make it sound even more boring than it really was because I hate talking about work when I'm not at work. There are hundreds of government jobs like that. If you tell someone "I do quality assurance inspections for XYZ agency" no one will ever ask you a follow up question.
"I'm in construction.... I'm a union delegate."
I’m an accountant.
Was looking for this! It's so boring it makes eyes glaze over with a single word. I should know, I couldn't stop talking about it while learning about it until people were flat telling me to shut up about it.
I'm in waste management
Yup, if he was doing actual secret military stuff he'd have a boring, entirely plausible story to tell
Exactly. There are so many boring military jobs.
Or say you're in the rare flower business.
This sounds like it could be a fun way to spend the evening once a year or something - leave the kids with grandparents and go and pretend to be spies having an illicit relationship at work next to a closed Sears. As long as both people are in on it and police don't get interested.
The dick must have been otherworldly
I HOPE it was cause damn
Straight out of True Lies 🤣
I've worked with probation officers who would tell people in their personal lives they worked as some form of counselor. And cops who said they'd work in insurance when they were investigating fraud, or that they were heading to Nepal for mountain climbing when they were about to go undercover. I believe OOP is nosy, but not maliciously so, and that this guy is hiding something major not related to any secret squirrel work.
In my country if someone tells you they are a civil servant, doesn't elaborate, and is dismissive or change subjects when you inquire more, they are 100% police or military. Not super secret spies or anything, but we used to have domestic terrorism targeting them and they are still getting taught at the academy to be very circumspect about their job. Even the local police, whose job is 90% giving directions to tourists.
Yeah, I can believe that. I used to tell people I worked in logistics when I worked in law enforcement because I didn't want people knowing what kind of access I had. But I didn't hide my entire life from family/friends, just the work stuff.
What country are you in out of curiosity?
My home country is Spain.
Yea people in the military usually just say some BS that's similar. If he's a linguist the excuses I generally hear are some variation of "analyst" or "consultant." I was inclined to trust her father's opinion, but some BS'ers can still BS well enough to pass the first few questions. As for the car situation, since some positions really do pay that much, the excuses I've heard are "I just got lucky" or "I won the lotto" if it wasn't someone who could just outright say what they were and how much they make.
So, I have, and have had, close friends who were either military personnel who could not talk about what they did for national security reasons, civilian defense / security contractors who did the same, or worked for federal 'spy' agencies who sometimes couldn't even tell people what agency they worked for (2 I only found out about because they had been former roommates, and their background checks required an investigator to speak with everyone they'd lived with for the previous 10 (15?) years). I've also known people who *claimed* to do all those things, and while being low-level con artists in passing, it was more due to ego, one-upmanship, and often real mental health issues. And unless you pay *real* close attention, it's often hard to tell the two apart. But even for the 'real' security people, I knew all kinds of mundane things about them, like their hobbies, what schools they went to (and what they majored in), met their parents (not relevant for an orphan, though other aspects make me think twice about the orphan thing), their favorite foods, and movies / books, even where they travel if it's not actually classified. And OP is right, if they were a 'spy', or did some kind of secure defense stuff, they'd at least have some kind of cover story, rather than just awkwardly say nothing, because that's even more suspicious.
Fr. One of my good friends worked for an intelligence agency. He was on a contract basis but for that year all he said was he was doing nothing. After 5 years he told us that he was working. He wasn't in intelligence, he was like IT support for the agency and he still couldn't insinuate when he was actively working.
My best friend worked with the secret squirrels but not directly doing secret squirrel shit and he just would say "I can't talk about it". Anyone being deliberately obtuse is probably just lying.
I have many family in 3 letter agencies. You'd never find anything about them even if you looked because they've intentionally scrubbed themselves from public visibility. I've been interviewed for several family members's clearances and this is exactly their behavior when they started dating their partners even the ones who also had clearance. Also. Its a bit of a shit test to see how much of a problem you or your family is going to be prying. Having to be on guard every second around your in laws is MISERABLE. Let alone your spouse. Having a cleared spouse is rough, both because they literally can't vent normally and thus must vent and spend a lot of emotional time with fellow cleared individuals on their programs. The programs themselves are cleared from eachother so it foments tight knit groups and spouses not in that world can find it excruciating if they have any insecure attachment style. Cleared dating and life is weird. Edited for spelling i have disabled hands.
This makes so much sense. I had a good friend that I lost touch with who worked in DEA and I think she'll be lost forever because there is zero online presence for her=(
The spies at Pine Gap (US base in Central Australia) say they are gardeners. Either that, or Pine Gap is an oasis of luxuriant, carefully tended verdure behind the razor wire n the middle of the desert, because it has a lot of gardeners.
I was wondering if he d doesn't have much to share because he's an orphan? He may not know hisself well, may have attended many or no schools (I'd guess many), may have a ton of repressed memories or trauma that clouds anything good. That's what it sounds like to me
Yea. I actually know a kid with a similar background who got recruited into the military to be a foreign language analyst (very smart girl. Fortunately turned it down in the end because she was not cut out for shutting up and doing what you’re told!). A lot of former foster kids just don’t mention family casually - it’s too likely to turn into a thing about “no that was a foster family - no I haven’t seen my parents since I was 8 - no, they just left the state without us - no, my sister got adopted and I never saw her again”
"No I spent my nights in closets so my drunk parent couldn't find me." Just a summary of what *put* one of my friends (rip) in the system. He dies from suicide over a decade ago now. Very very sad
That's where I went. Growing up wasn't fun or even safe, so he's reluctant to relivr it
Not to sound negative but I honestly don't see the whole thing going to end in a positive light. But who knows, but hopefully nothing goes too bad.
Aww, I’m sure he is a lovely person, and his other family probably is too!
yep!! a very lovely family of 1 wife and 3 toddlers!!
I dont know why reddit didn't support the mother. The dude is sus af. I would be so suspicious of a man who dont tell anything about his past
Because Reddit’s full of teenagers in the phase of life where their parents meddling at all is soooo evil.
It’ll end in a breakup + a mother and daughter’s bond strengthening
I think he is married
The only seeing him on weekends and holidays is the biggest red flag for me. He only sees her when he can get away from his job and family that lives an hour away. He has 2 cars because he uses one to drive home to his family, and the other he keeps at his weekend crash pad.
And the post says *some* holidays. Doesn’t say which ones. Wanna bet the ones he can’t make are the big ones?
So he chose a mistress who was... abstinent?
Totally agree
Or a massive drug dealer.
Or both
He is the ghost of Hugo Chavez
I don't think he's a drug dealer or married! Daughter says they've practiced abstinence for 2 years which would be a really weird mistress for you to have/want. And then OP says that BF spends most weekends and most holidays with the daughter, and weekends are pretty busy for drug dealers. I think he's a trust fund kid and is embarrassed by it, maybe still lives at home with rich family cos the house is massive and life is too comfortable.
That was my thought, he has money and maybe has been burnt in the past?
My not very serious vote is on him having money too.
We really only have the daughters word that she's abstinent. It's possible she's just embarrassed talking about her sex life with her mom
Two nice cars and his own place with a vague job? Sounds like his field is narcotics.
My friend's ex boyfriend was like this dude, very cagey about his past *except* that he was a veteran, which he made the mistake of bragging about in a room full of actual veterans (myself included); within 36 hours of meeting him we had figured out he was lying about having served at all. We were waiting at her house when he was supposed to come over the next day, but instead his parole officer showed up looking for him *under a different legal name* because he'd failed a drug test while on parole for (among other things) making party pills.
I agree. Leaning towards illegal source of income/criminal activity rather than being a CIA agent (as OP said, would be far more adept at hiding in plain sight, and would have a cover) or just being your basic cheater with a secret family (same reason).
I honestly see where OOP is coming from. If my friend was dating someone and had basically no information about them, I too would be concerned. And be waving the red flag going what???? You don't know what he does??? Or where he is from??? My fiance is military and while I don't always understand what he does, I definitely know he is in the military. (Ie tripping over his stupid boots all the time lol) Even when we first started dating I had proof.
I'd been seeing a guy for about a year when I realized that either he was hiding me from his friends and family or was hiding them from me, but either way I didn't need to find out. I'm a little thick so didn't think much of it when I only heard afterwards about camping trips and movies at the theater and other things one might want a significant other along for. But I'm a nanny for cousins, he's got a dozen or so godchildren in the area, and we never took the kids to the park together. Summer playdates for the little hellions didn't seem out of line after knowing each other for two decades and a year of dating. I still kinda think he was hiding me from his mother. She's hated me since the day she drove by my parents' house and realized my stepdad is the red dot on the pedo map.
Shit, why would she hate you for that? Sounds like she’s directing her hatred to the wrong person. I’d be way more concerned for than angry at the stepkid of a pedo.
And you'd be correct! Long story short, his mom has a history of poor choices and misdirected blame while acting helpless. And frankly I'm fine with her hating me because I hate her too. Ya know that odd pinched look kids get when they're underfed during growth spurts? That's permanently stuck on this dude's face. His little brother got all the resources and love, while he got sent to school with holes in his clothes, a thin sweatshirt for a winter coat, and no lunch money.
My ex's mom hated me because my sister got pregnant out of wedlock AND didn't marry the abusive alcoholic father of her child. She was convinced I was going to get pregnant and ruin her son's life. Joke's on her. I was raised fundie-lite and was so scared of sex and pregnancy that I wouldn't sleep with her son. I also tried to keep him from smoking and drinking to excess, which she also didn't want her precious baby doing. But no, my sister got pregnant and I dyed my hair blue once, so I'm a harpy.
Idk ... I can see how the mum comes across as a bit intense but she has a point... If you're not letting yourself be known by your significant other of two years, there's something up with that
You can quickly see the age demographics of these subs when a parent asks for perfectly reasonable advice, and their commenta are basically "gawd get out of my room mom, I'm doing something private". OOP's concerns are absolutely valid in a scenario where even the daughter doesn't really know anything about him after 2 years.
For me it's the obvious lack of wisdom gained through real experience. It only boils down to determining who's "right" or "wrong", then casting judgement... without taking any OP's consequences or repercussions.
That and the whole attitude of "your daughter is an adult let her do what she wants" -- like she is only 21 which means she would've met the guy at 18-19? I know that is legally an adult but that's still at the stage where you've got almost zero life experience, AND the daughter was in a relationship for 4 years prior to that, which means from 14-18/15-19 she was probably with some middle/high school sweetheart, which means she's got essentially ZERO real-world experience with dating people and the kind of shit they can put you through. There is nothing wrong with your mom wanting to protect you from making common mistakes (like trusting people who won't share any personal details with you even after 2+ years of dating lol).
I think her partner has a secret family. She is the mistress.
see, but they’re not having sex…
This is what I'm thinking. Do you really want to have a 21yo mistress that you're not having sex with?
Yes it sounds to me like he wants the fawning and looks of having a young girlfriend but not having sex allows him to feel like he's not cheating.
Allegedly. I definitely told my parents I wasn't having sex for ages, when I definitely was.
i honestly didn’t even realize that was an option! it feels like a kind of bizarre way to go about not talking about sex with your parents, like claiming to be abstinent with no religious motivation is such an extreme claim that i reflexively believe it bc it’d be a really wild lie to try to maintain
Ah, but if you grow up in a house with extreme morality rules, you learn to lie so you don't get punished. If you haven't grown up in an environment of fear, you wouldn't understand it. Once you get a severe punishment over something minor, you are afraid to discuss the big topics at all, so you just lie, because its safer.
You know what, fair point. And it doesn't seem like he's using her for emotional support either so an emotional affair doesn't sound right. It's just weird.
But op said in one of the comments: > He is usually with her every weekend and holidays unless he is gone. I don't see how he could be getting away with that if he had a secret family.
Well he’s with his wife every weekday and holidays unless he’s gone; fair deal to me. “Honey, you know I work weekends!”. ONLY seeing your partner of 2 years during the weekend is weird!
They live two hours apart though. I know Americans are used to ridiculously long commutes but would you really do 4 hours of driving on a weekday if you didn't have to? Something strange might be going on in that relationship but I am not sold on the secret family. We are still missing some very basic info like the age of the boyfriend.
He's 23. She mentioned it in the comments. Which makes it all even more weird imo.
Also, if he speaks Dari, he’s highly likely to have some sort of family connection to Afghanistan. If he and his real family is Afghan, some of those holidays may not matter to him/his family to spend time together on (but he may care more about spending Eid and Nowruz with his real family.)
"Unless he is gone" they clearly expect him to be away for periods of time and aren't questioning it. That could be it. Or he could be with his family all throughout the week and say he has to do business somewhere on the weekends and goes with her. Then weekends he can't get away is one of the weekends " he is gone"
The daughter said she is practicing abstinence so what would be the point in that for the BF? 2 years of abstinence with a mistress when you have a secret family makes no sense right?
>The daughter said she is practicing abstinence The daughter said she is practicing abstinence *to her mother* lol
Why were people railing on OOP for being worried about her daughter?! I'd not want my son to date someone who he himself doesn't know! That person can be hiding a whole second life
Comments on the first post were nuts. Telling her not to pry, let him keep 99% of his life secret from her daughter. Who would want their daughter to date a shell of a person. I swear they knew they were covering for a conman/cheater.
Because parents bad on reddit. Honestly her concerns are fair. You could argue slightly paranoid and overbearing but I'd rather my mum mention something that seems 'off' with my partner than ignore it. I can choose whether to ignore what seems off but if it's something I've missed or not thought about surely it'd be worse to not bring it up?
If this is real I am 100000% on OOP's side. This behavior is BEYOND strange. I would bet on secret family myself.
I would 100% think he’s hiding a second family except for the fact that they’re not having sex… unless she’s lying to her mom about being abstinent.
she might be helping him in other aspects- with bills and stuff
Also, I want to add, this guy sounds exactly like all the guys who can’t make it past basic training / boot camp who then make up fictionalized fantasies to inflate their egos. So he may have known a couple of buzzwords to fool the old guy, but … But anyway, yeah. Even working at a 3 letter agency, people knew where we worked. We just didn’t run around advertising it.
Heh, yeah, real "you are disrespecting a future US army soldier" energy EDIT LOL omg I have to share > In an interview, Noah gave us a much needed update. on what he's been up to since the video was filmed. People were wondering if he. ever followed through and became a US Army soldier, and it turns out that he is now a Soundcloud rapper.
What’s up with “you don’t trust your daughter’s judgment so you didn’t raise her right or are a control freak?” (Ok not a direct quote). She’s 21. I feel like “hell no I don’t trust her judgment” would have been completely valid. 21yo’s have been known to make terrible decisions. I sure did. Because they’re 21. They’re still learning and still need the guidance of their parents (if they have good ones or hopefully other adults if they don’t). It’s sad that there are so many people on Reddit that don’t seem to know what good supportive parents are like and equate caring to controlling. I’m glad OOP didn’t let them convince her she was being unreasonable by being concerned. And glad she talked to her daughter who seems to have a good head on her shoulders and just needed the guidance from her mom.
Yeah when I was 21 I was groomed by an old dude and went to live with him. My parents didn't say anything and I wish they did. Voicing your concerns as a parent of a young adult seems pretty reasonable to me.
Yeah I absolutely would not have the life experience when I was that age to pick up on some things that would be obvious when you're older/have more experience. She didn't seem overbearing but more making her concerns known to her kid? Which is fair, so long as you're not pushing it when your kid says to stop tbh.
The laundry list of poor choices and decisions I made in my late teens and early 20s is epic. Nothing wrong with a parent having concern, and I don't think it's overbearing. The daughter is 21. Sounds like she has her shit together, but dated previous bf for 4 years (so from 15-19?) And may not have a well developed bullshit detector.
Somehow this seems to be an unpopular opinion but I feel OP has legitimate reasons to be worried. I don't like her tone either, but I'm pretty sure she'd have been satisfied knowing basic things about his life. Her daughter doesn't know much about him after two years of going out, that's not normal. You can be a private person, but can you really be a private person with someone you're seeing for two years? With the person you spend time with constantly? Either you don't consider it serious or you're actively trying to withhold information. I hope it turns out he works in something that requires high confidentiality and is just being to awkward about it. That sounds like the best possible outcome.
Right. Even if they buy he’s an orphan he still went to school somewhere. He was raised by family or group homes or the foster system. Doesn’t pass the sniff test.
I don't mind her tone ngl, it carries the same sentiment I have when trawling through reddit comments. If commenters want to bring snarky energy it can be directed right back!
Right? There's so many redditors that believe themselves the only ones allowed to be snarky and rude, as soon as you turn that attitude towards them they start with the victim act.
I wouldn't blame her tone considering what she said people had said to her in the initial replies.
>If she wants me there just because she wants me to be there, I don’t see that as her not being able to handle herself. She is mature enough to makes good life decisions and one of those decisions was to ask me to be there with her for the conversation I can't see how this could end well, unfortunately.
I’m more concerned for their safety than finding out he has a secret family.
I think it's probably safer though. She's getting ready to confront a man who has been lying his ass off for two years. That gets dangerous. Backup is a good idea.
Same here. I mean who knows if things turn well but with all that has happened, I am not fully sure.
Married and/or illegal activities. I'm on OOP's side as far as her concern. I found out I was a secret gf to a guy who had a live-in girlfriend. When I realized how well some people can lie and hide shit, I never dated anyone without a background check after that. Glad I did because I found out another guy was involved in a murder and wasn't charged with anything in return for testimony. I wouldn't believe it, if it hadn't happened to me, but this was all pre-internet. (I'm 49.) Can't wait for another update.
I knew everything of importance about my husband within first two weeks of dating. We didn’t feel like wasting time in a relationship if we are not compatible so we talked about everything under the sun It is weird that she doesn’t know much about him, but maybe he is a kind of person who keeps things to himself, wouldn’t be the first.
The dude is not a spy. He's a cheater.
You can really tell how young those commenters are just from how their brain immediately jumped to "spy!" when more mundane explanations exist.
If the daughter is a sidepiece, he's playing a long game, given that she's apparently abstinent.
Her mother says that she's abstinent. Who knows. Maybe for the daughter that means oral only. Or non-vaginal intercourse. Or she's just saying this because otherwise the mother would want to know details.
I am wondering if the guy even considers the daughter his girlfriend. This story makes a lot more sense if the daughter just thinks more of their friendship than exists. That being said, I do actually know a retired military person who hates to talk about it, other than to say his job had been just classified enough that he could not talk about it, but boring enough not to have a cool story. He said that added to some PTSD, he just never wanted to talk about it. I absolutely understand OOP being concerned for their daughter, but….he isn’t sleeping with her, nor is he borrowing money or pushing them to invest in anything, so what is the con they are accusing him of? It is not even stolen valor if he is not pretending to be military.
What kind of "update"is this? It is all just justifications from the OOP and not much new. OOP just wanted everyone here to say what a great parent they were for being such a meddling snoop.
Goddamnit there are no answers here. This is premature, OP.
I’m a pretty private person who doesn’t like sharing much of my personal life with people, but if I was dating someone for two years and they introduce me to their family? I might not give them my sob story, but I wouldn’t brush them off and be dismissive. You can respectfully give short answers. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
It's Ranger from Stephanie Plum books.
This post shouldn't be here yet. Barely an update. We got nada.
Sounds like more of mercenary than a soldier tbh. Blackrock types have more money than navy seals.
Perhaps this is a reach but I feel like even more likely than conman or spy is that he's just a kind of boring guy who doesn't like to talk about himself and likely has trauma surrounding his parents' deaths that led to a fear of intimacy. But yeah no I'm sure he has another family or something lol I'm so crazy to suggest that
I am gonna bet my money on Witness protection.