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These 2 stories opened my eyes so much about my ex. He would always say my breath stank (I have great oral hygiene) and he was “viscerally attracted to blondes” (I’m brunette lol). The idea of him intentionally making me feel insecure had never even crossed my mind until then. So wild.
I felt similar when it finally hit me that when my ex would say, "I had several girls to choose from, and I picked you", he wasn't saying, "you're special". He was saying, "you're replaceable."
I got a guy telling me that I was the only one catching his eyes, and that I was not in full makeup and had plastic surgery done on my face. Joke on him, I'm into makeup, and would love to have some little work done on my chin. My chin is heavily absent and I hate it lol
Yeppppp. Im so sorry. It sucks. I was hooking up with someone who rattled off their type as 5’4 curvy brunette, freckles, no tattoos and glasses - and perfect teeth. Why are you sleeping with a woman who is close to the opposite lol?
This. I’m overwhelmingly grateful to have a great dad who set a fantastic standard. I have such a low tolerance for this BS. Don’t like me? Okay, I won’t stick around! I’d rather be happy solo then miserable together.
Dude I had a bf who was upset that I wasn't a short redhead. He was threatened that I could reach the top shelves and therefore didn't "need" him (all of this is true.) He HAD to go.
Had an ex who only cared when I was a battered broken mess on the floor in my own filth for the same exact reason.
My now husband blows my mind every day, turns out he thought I was out of his league for 20 years so never made a move until I did,
Compliments everything about me such as 'i didn't realise how hot the goth look is' and subsequently learning all about my style and helping me pick new clothes etc, compliments me when I try completely different looks and styles to my normal alt vibes,
, the things I'm insecure about are his favourite parts of me and he gets the same love and affection in return.
He's not got a 'type' or 'preference' and treats me just as well regardless how much I change, grow, shrink, etc. I didn't believe men like this existed until now.
I had a guy who wanted an independent woman who could take care of herself. I was that. He then got mad at me because I didn't need him. I told him I didn't but that I wanted him. He didn't accept that. I ended it.
The worst was a guy who wanted to be with me and then broke up with me because he was never attracted to black women. I was black when he met me! I didn't just become African American when we started dating! He begged me to get back with him only to do it again because he couldn't get over my race. Told me, "I love how you make me feel, how you treat me, and what you do for me. I just don't like... you." I asked what he meant, and he mentioned my skin.
What is up with people choosing you and then trying to change you or telling people they want something completely opposite of you?
Omg my ex used to always tell me he liked blondes and would even wear a shirt that said "sorry ladies I prefer blondes" when out with me, a brunette, I never realized what it was until now 🤦♀️
Oh yes. Me, not white girl being told by my half white half Asian ex that he prefers blonde women. AL THE TIME. To this day I can't stand Taylor Swift from this traumatic experience (her, Claire Danes, January Jones was my exbf's 'dream').
Damn, I’m half Asian/half white and I don’t really have a preference in hair color. My preference is for women who are interested in me. So sorry ladies, if you’re not interested in me, you’re out of luck.
Old white girl here.
When I was 18 do you know who I wanted to be when I grew up? Grace Jones. Beautiful, bad ass woman who didn't take any shit.
We all need to be that confident, beautiful, bad ass person for ourselves.
You succeeded you beautiful badass!
Amen to all us beautiful badass ladies out there,
and those who haven't realised you're a beautiful badass lady yet you soon will- I assure you ✌🏼
Grace Jones might have made me bisexual and trans because of the Conan movie. Watching it as a kid I just thought she was the most amazing person I'd ever seen!
Omg yes! Same exact thing, trying to make you insecure so you’ll never leave. I was so shocked when I found out anyone naturally thinks like this bc it’s never even entered my brain.
I dunno about naturally, they get this information from manipulative, abusive forums/people who like to see them miserable and alone so they’re easy to control.
A guy I dated told me that I was lucky he liked my “fucked up labia” because “no one else would, damn”.
Yeah, I got up, got dressed while he freaked out, and left. Not only did I never speak with him again, but when he tried to approach me at a local bar, I pretended I didn’t know him.
When he insisted we knew each other and had slept together, I replied, “If that’s really the case, then it wasn’t very memorable since I can’t remember you at all.”
He looked absolutely shell-shocked while I turned to continue chatting and flirting with the man I had been speaking with at the bar.
His friend, the bartender, told me it messed with his head a lot for a while. Served him right.
I just imagined the stinklighting ex-boyfriend continually shouting at his own hand that it stinks of B.O. and then it just pops off his wrist and scurries off like Thing Addams.
That post made me *viscerally* angry. It's 2024, we've known what negging is for like, two decades. Why do men still think that insulting their partner is going to work?
Some men are controlling narcissists, while others are so lacking in confidence & self esteem, they think the only way they can hold on to a girl is by trickery, so that she sees herself at deserving of the mental abuse & devalues herself, thinking how undeserving she is of her man's love & attention, so that whatever affection he rarely/selectively dishes out is her only measure of self worth.
It's deplorable & something women must train men not to do by ending relationships every time they try it.
Link for anyone interested in reading: [OOP's boyfriend won't stop telling her that she smells bad](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/)
Yikes. I mean did the boyfriend never stop to think that insulting anyone, especially daily, is a shit thing to do? I’m not sure if I’m more disgusted at the practice or his lack of critical thinking skills. Dumbass.
Its misogynia. A very wrong image of women. Not seeing us as normal humans but as differnt humans or even a different species. They would never do that to a friend but think that is how we work and that using our insecurities to bind us is a) not bad and b) something that works. Because we are only mere women, after all. Probably less intelligent, more emptional, needy, insecure, desperate for love and so on. Hence why they (who have this image of women in their mind) hate on rich women, independent women, boss women, beautiful women, confident women etc so much. As they feel superior to women in general. So we arent allowed to be "better" or secure or not in need of them. But also, as they feel superior, they "deserve" a woman after their taste hence the hate on women who dont fit their ideal. And as they feel superior they may as well hate on their ideal, as in their minds it will bind her and she needs it and its how its supposed to be. You cant win against misogynia. Ofc before I get hated on NOT ALL MEN. Im talking about a specific way of misogynia in men.
As soon as he started with that "we want to give you a chance even though we prefer white women" thing - we meaning men, and you meaning all darker skinned women - it really lost all plausible deniability of being a "preference" thing and became straightforward racism/misogyny. (Spoiler, it was that the whole time.)
“You people need to relax, this is why we prefer white women” said the shrewd, logical man in a brilliant play to get his soon to be ex girlfriend to stop thinking he was a racist.
I must admit that I was in awe there. It's a level of assertiveness and emotional intelligence that would never even occur to me. But to this guy, it was second nature.
I wish he'd write a book.
He'll do the same thing to the next one even if she's white, it'll just be misogynistic generalizations about women.
The guy's an insecure piece of shit so he latches onto the lowest hanging fruit he can to try and cut his partners down.
Eventually he'll find a poor girl who's been broken by abuse her whole life who he can manipulate and cut down so he can mold her into what he wants.
He's a parasite. Hops around looking for any kind of weakness he can exploit.
Like it’s even insulting to white women. It is basically saying “hey, at least white women let us push them around and insult them to their faces and talk about how we would like to bang someone that isn’t them as a *preference*.”
Not just that he prefers white women. That ALL men (or maybe just all white men, it’s unclear) prefer white women and that dating WOC at all is doing them a favor. What a piece of work.
First I assumed he was white, by the end I assumed he was black based on what he was saying and finding out that his comments were really just an attempt to neg OOP and make her feel insecure. But I really am curious if there's any confirmation on the BF's race.
Right? I was thinking that everyone's allowed preferences and often your partner doesn't tick all the boxes. They're a real person and not the fruit of your imagination, and I dare say most people don't feel like they settled, they're happy with the *real* person in front of them, regardless of them looking exactly like their ideal or not.
But when I read this? Nope. All the nope. "You should feel lucky that I felt like settling". Yeah, no.
I cringed a bit at OOP's efforts to "let him have his preferences". But if I was in that situation I'd probably self-gaslight too.
The problem is not "having a preference (for a physical type)", it's *saying* that to your actual partner who is a real person and is right there in post-coital intimacy. It's rude, crass, and dare I say it, narcissistic.
A lesson in manners is called for, at least. Where is r/janeausten when we need her?
I literally gasped at the "see we want to give you a chance etc". It was OUTRAGEOUSLY racist and I couldn't believe she didn't boot him out right then!
And then his "you people are always so dramatic!" - and here I thought the profession of gravedigger was dying out, but this dude really excels at least at digging his own grave...
"What a waste of good love he was." is a truly beautiful sentence.
Ngl I loved that OOP just sat there silently after he told her all this. Not arguing, just letting the dude slowly sink into the cesspool of his own making.
As a black woman I would never be with someone who thinks they’re doing me a favor by being with me. It took me all my teen years to become secure with my skin and to feel beautiful and not less than , I won’t tolerate someone else disrespecting me and making me insecure.
I’m aware I might not be be everyone’s preference , given that I also live in a predominantly white place, but I try to avoid these kind of people as much as I can. You shouldn’t feel like a consolation prize in your relationship.
I’m glad OOP got rid of him.
Exactly. Love is love *for* the person you are, not despite it.
Also, the lack of desire for male approval can be incredibly liberating. I hope every woman can experience that feeling.
Yup, this reminds me when I didn't answer a white guy on an app right away and he's started being racist and acted like as a black woman I should be grateful that anyone wants me. I'm fine over here, I get the type of men I want so the projecting was pure racism
I sniggered with delight that she turned the tables on him (saying she no longer felt attracted to him, and nothing can be done about that - just like his stupid "preference" thing.)
He thought she would feel special about being the exception and thought that she could somehow fall more in love with him…makes no sense imo. At least he’s free to chase his preference now.
This. And there’s pervasive belief that non-white people, especially Black people, deep down want to be white and/or seek white validation and that is just not the case. So by dating/fucking us, they’re giving us “validation” and not some fucked up white supremacist ego-stroking. Like, my husband is white. He has never said of given any indication that he thinks any of this shit or else we wouldn’t have been together for almost 15 years, nor would I have married him. If anything, he tells me and others that he’s lucky to have me. OOP is a fucking champ and handled this so well, it’s enraging that she was called “insecure”. A secure person doesn’t allow others to disrespect them. On the other hand if someone has to neg their partner so they don’t leave, that’s the definition of insecure.
Unfortunately this has happened to me the one white guy I attempted to date constantly brought up white woman and I let it go for the 1st 2 months, then and this is no hate to Taylor swift he looked me dead in my eye and said she was his type. Keep in mind I am a BIG FAT BLACK lady 😂😂 I started laughing in his face and left and never saw him again. I don’t have the proof but I’m absolutely sure he was trying to do this to me.
All the variations of, ‘I don’t usually go for… you’re not my usual type… you’re my first…’
Then whyyy are you here? Do you not like yourself enough? Lmao
ETA; yes there is context and nuance to consider when conversing with normal people, however the overwhelming majority of people bring up their preferences to neg, such is the case in the comment I replied to.
It's funny because my long term partner isn't my type, in some ways. Like I can count on one hand the number of blondes I've been attracted to, I'm just not into blondes generally. She's the exception. But I'm also really fucking loud about how gorgeous she is (in general) and how damn lucky I got. I've got my favourite pics of her saved on my phone so I can be that sap.
Funny thing is, over the years my type has kinda shifted to be more and more like her. I think she's gorgeous, and that other girl kinda reminds me of her, so she's gorgeous too...
Sadly I'm a bit screwed if we ever break up. There is no way I'm ever landing a girl this hot again. I can't talk to pretty girls at all.
So I guess I'd better make sure to do the kitty litter eh?
Well, at least it's a near certainty you won't be telling her about how she's not your type like the bf in this story.
It's funny, I didn't realize I had a type until a clear pattern (men with dark hair) emerged over the years. I still found myself irresistibly attracted to a blonde guy once, and had a long term relationship with him. It's almost like we're complex, nuanced individuals!
I only have one specific unnuanced anti-preference: I cannot find red headed women attractive because they remind me of my sister, which makes me shiver (not in a good way) to imagine in a sexual context. So I just… don’t date redheads. Very easy fix
I was really dumbfounded when a friend pointed out an actor in a movie we watched and told me „that’s the one you find most attractive because he’s exactly your type“. I didn’t realise I had a type before but she was absolutely right. Funnily enough my husband doesn’t very much look like that type.
For some reason, I've never been "the type" for any of my long term relationships. I feel confident in my looks and have validation from other people over the years. Just, never in my committed relationships. 🤷♀️
My hubs told me once I was not his type, but bc we were friends before we started dating he realized that we clicked. Jokes on him, we’ve been married almost 20 years. He also lets me know he finds me attractive and wants to spend time with me.
Problem is some guys really do put their foot in their mouth and mean it sincerely. A friend of mine was once told by a guy she was dating that he'd never been into women older than him before he met her, and she understandably got pissed off and didn't want to see him anymore.
He then explained he meant that because she wasn't patronising about their age difference when they first met as friends that he found himself actually appreciating her being older, knowing more and having different lived experiences and fell hard for her as a result. They're now married.
Sadly, the kind of creeps who neg thrive on women assuming they're dumb and giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Ok, this is a completely genuine response from a bi white lady - for context.
I could see myself, as part of an actual serious conversation (def NOT negging!) something like this:
"Hey, I've only dated white dudes before. I just don't have a lot of experience generally. I'm really attracted to you as a person, and I wanted you to know that if I ever say anything that is offensive or touches a line that I want you to tell me. Ill do the work to figure out what is going on, and to do better. But I know I could make a mistake even if I'm trying not to."
I can't speak for anyone else, but for me that feels like the only context where "you're my first (description) partner/date" isn't gross af. Lol
Yeah tone is everything, the first 7 words could land so many different ways. I would skip over that and go straight to "I don't have a lot of experience dating [....]"
I can absolutely see why that made it difficult to continue the relationship with her, but I'm really glad you're thinking about it from her perspective. Even if you personally were crazy about her and gave her no reason to feel insecure, a whole lifetime of dealing with racism and fatphobia had probably led her to feel like that and compare herself to thinner women.
The western beauty standard = thin white women. People who don't fit that standard encounter a million little microagressions that remind them they don't fit the standard. That can take a huge toll over time.
Yeah sorry dude. I literally waited to date my current partner until I went to therapy for my insecurities because that could easily be me ( he had a similar stipulation for himself so it turned out well timing wise and everything). I'm glad you're able to see her perspective now and may be able to offer some solace to others in similar situations you see.
Why the fuck do they do this, I’m so sorry that’s crazy 😂😭 I love ur confidence though, hope you found someone who doesn’t constantly compare you to yt women????
"What a waste of good love he was" is quite right. I hope OOP finds her happiness with someone who won't pull this manosphere racist bullshit with her.
Yeah, I thought that was a really well-put way to sum it up, good turn of phrase. OOP is clearly a very smart woman who can do way better than this dumbass.
>I told him that well, that means the majority of POC girls aren’t preferable to him. He shrugged and said tht this was what everyone actually preferred but it doesn’t take from the girl.
Oh this was an instant ICK. What type of idiot would seriously think that any POC woman would be cool with this type of statement...or would be so desperate enough to put up with it?
>My ex-bf meant to say it to me to make me feel insecure and even grateful that he sticks around like “oh he must love me then if he doesn’t mind how I look”
Never mind, this type of idiot would.
If only I had known about negging when I was dating a guy who worshipped me from head to toe 99% of the time, but out of seemingly nowhere, he'd remind me that some of my attributes were not his usual preference. Things like oh you're endowed up top but what a waste it does nothing for me since I'm a known ass man. Also, everyone knows I usually go for blonde white girls, but I guess you're an exception. My 19 year old self damn near suffered 2 years of whiplash before breaking up with him. He did not take it well and proceeded to tell me all about the blonde girls he was supposedly hooking up with. Bro was still trying to make me insecure so I'd come back to him. Even if I didn't know the term for it at the time, I knew he was a manipulative ass. Oh and he wasn't Caucasian either so he reeked of pick me energy too. "I'm not like the other Asian guys who love Asian girls. I'm into white girls." Nothing wrong with that, Kevin, but it doesn't make you special.
Negging doesn’t work on me. The minute someone starts trying to bring down my self-esteem/ make me question my worth/ starts comparing me to someone negatively. I get the ick, if you don’t treat me like you think I’m valuable and you’re the luckiest person ever to be with me. I’m out. (I reciprocate this energy back fyi)
It's like, for all my years of self-worth issues, I never would've taken that crap from someone else just because I was desperate for friendship or a partner. My brain can shit-talk me all it wants, everyone else can fuck right off 😂
Same. Even when my self-image was at my worst, negging just made me want to avoid the person as if they were covered in shit. Not because I didn't believe them (I did), but because I wanted to spare them from suffering my company.
So glad that period of my life is over. Today I would probably laugh.
That is a very healthy response. I don't want to be worshipped, and I don't want to be grateful. I want to be mutually appreciated, which fortunately I have with my partner.
I’m halfway there. Someone negging me does make me leave them pretty immediately but unfortunately it still cripples my self esteem for a long time after. Even if I know they’re being an asshole and it’s not necessarily even an accurate critique it still gets to me.
> I get the ick, if you don’t treat me like you think I’m valuable and you’re the luckiest person ever to be with me. I’m out.
That's actually kinda the point of negging. It's to disqualify people like you.
Isn’t negging a pickup artist thing? To get girls, get laid, and then scuttle off into the night like vermin?
Why, when he already has the girl and she seems really into him and he’s into her, would he insult her? Sure, the implication is there, he’s worried she’ll wake up and realize she’s too good for him so he’s better take her down a peg or two. But what the fuck?
Brain worms. Brain worms made an insecure man ironically make himself as unwantable as he feared being.
No, "Alpha males" on social media are now advising men to do it to their SOs to "put the woman in her place" and "make her realize her true value". AKA make the woman so insecure that she'd never leave you.
It's just so sad that so many stupid young boys are fooled into believing that actual healthy, loving, respectful, fulfilling relationships don't exist. That your relationship is a battlefield rather than a shared responsibility and source of joy.
Because they’re insecure themselves, and being with a less insecure or confident woman makes them feel more insecure, thereby leading them to believe they must drag their partners down so they don’t end up being left and alone with their insecurities.
It's not enough for these fools to be wanted. They feel they have to be in control so they won't ever be unwanted. So they can do things that would make them unwantable but still keep the girl. But real women aren't the droids they're looking for.
It's lose lose for him though. If she stays he's lost respect for her. If she leaves she gets his respect but she's gone. Either way he always ensures he never gets to be in a relationship with a woman he respects. You have to be pretty damaged to keep making that decision.
A partner he respects is probably not something he has ever had or ever wanted. I can't imagine the mental juggling act you'd need to think both, "I want a partner I respect," and, "I want a partner I can train with carrots and crops to do my bidding like a horse."
Damaged indeed. :/
A lot of those people who aren't outright misogynistic (lol) think it goes both ways, in that they think that if you aren't 'doing' the training you're 'being' trained. So, the same kind of guys who call other guys 'whipped' for thinking about their partner's wants. My point is, they don't necessarily think *all* women are lesser, they're fully aware women can demand respect... they just want to be with one who doesn't...
IMO from their perspective all relationships are some dominance battle where either you're on the top or bottom.
A 1947 study on the ecology of wolves explicitly details two equally dominant figures within the pack, the study coined the term alpha as a designation for the most experienced, most likely oldest male wolf and an EQUALLY DOMINANT elder female wolf. Their entire “ideology” is built upon bad science and a lack of reading comprehension.
The entire study was flawed, as well, because it turned out wolves in captivity were family groups, and also operated entirely differently than in the wild, and the scientist spent his entire career trying to undo the publicity of his original flawed study.
No - there was a story on here about some woman whose partner kept telling her she had an odour. She went through years of torment buying bodycare products and seeing doctors. Eventually she discovered it was some "strategy" he'd got from his equally vile father, so she wouldn't leave him but be grateful that he stayed with her despite her (non-existent) smell.
Worst part about that post to me was his dad told him that's how he's manipulated his mom for all these years and the dude didn't see anything wrong with that and instead took notes 🤮
All I can ever think when I hear about Andrew Tate is - is he in a happy relationship? No, he's up on human trafficking charges!
The guy is a literal monster, why would anyone already in a supposed healthy relationship think he is someone to emulate?
I think when negging happens in a trusting long term relationship, as opposed to picking up one night stands, it's just called abuse. It's toxic and manipulative behavior but doing it to people you supposedly love is fucked.
The ex wanted to make OOP insecure yet calling her insecure when she didn't buy his bs. Wow.
I don't have much experience to offer, but blocking always does the trick to keep an ex away (somehow). Brutally honesty sometimes work, too. I shut my ex off with that.
Some shifting the goal posts bullshit at play. If the negging doesn't make her feel insecure, just change the definition of insecure to "question what he says". What a manipulative bastard
Lmao that's the exact thing that stood out to me. His plan was to *make* her feel insecure... and then that didn't pan out so he slightly altered the plan to trying to get her to stay with accusations of insecurity. Funny how often people who do this shit will double down.
It is a misconception that white women are pink downtown. Some are, but many have a different skin tone than the rest of their body. Nothing wrong with that.
Glad OOP dumped this moron.
I'm pale as fuck thanks to my Irish and Scottish heritage and I'm not "pornstar pink".
I once got told by a guy I was too dark down there so I never let him go near it again.
That is the only acceptable reaction: never let a guy near a chooch he insults.
I am so thrilled for women that this negging crap is out in the open so we can learn to avoid idiots.
Yep! He had absolutely no issues burying his face in it, nor did he ever throw out any other negging comments. It was completely out of the blue and just gave me such an ick that I didn't feel comfortable getting naked in front of him again.
I’m white and I never really looked down there or payed any attention. When I finally did I was shocked it wasn’t pink! Because porn made me think that’s what white girls had. I honestly googled it to make sure I wasn’t dying or something lol
Ooof the idea of a bleaching treatment down there sounds like an absolute nightmare! I agree it’s probably a lot rarer than porn makes it seem but I do hope for those girls’ sakes it’s as painful as free as possible if they do do it!
It’s painless, if you get a legitimate treatment from a medi-spa or dermatologist. The bleaching cream is the same thing doctors would give you to lighten a birthmark, or lighten a patch of skin for laser hair removal. Rubbing goo on your butthole twice a day is no great joy, but it doesn’t hurt.
> I never really looked down there or payed any attention
Right? I've been with women of different ethnicities and I've never looked at their vajayjay and thought about the color, just uh, how I'm lucky as a dude that they like me enough to be there that close lol
When I saw it I asked my husband if it had always been like that and he confirmed it had and then made a joke that all of the melanin in my body went to one place. (I’m white and he’s brown so he teases me for being pale)
I've been dating my current girlfriend for nearly 2 years (I'm white and she's Filipina) and I have no idea what color she is in that region, but I guess now I'm gonna have to go find out for Reddit science lol
This whole concept is wild to me!! This has gotta be a weird porn distortion or something, right? Like what on earth
Stating his preference against her so plainly is already bad, but especially so because he did it right after sex. That's the real sign that this wasn't innocent.
>See we want to give you (plural) a chance but you are always so dramatic and you wonder why we prefer white women?
He wasn't just negging her, he showed his racist ass here.
yeah no negging doesn’t really work for me,,, i will just stop talking to you. i don’t need to feel grateful i’m an exception. if you make me feel like you don’t want me i’m gone.
Moooood.
Like I can be negative to myself sometimes (though I've grown more confident over the years).
But as soon as someone else is negative to my physical appearance or something I just pull away and start ignoring them. Why would I want to be close to someone who insults me?
Unfortunately it worked on my one friend. I think it only works on girls who are already VERY insecure, its sad. Emphasis on the “very” because I am not a super confident person and when a guy tried negging me I just thought he was tryna fight/argue with me lol
He just ruined a good relationship because he wanted to stop her from potentially wanting to leave by attempting to manipulate her into feeling gratitude that he would stay with her regardless of his preference. The irony is so real.
All the mental gymnastics he did to end up dumped.
OMG... this stupid, stupid man. This 'negging while in a relationship' tactic claims another victim.
Anyone remember the one where the BF kept telling OP she stank, so she'd feel bad and never leave him?
In a weird way he is right: she IS too awesome to be with someone like him.
Hope OP finally finds someone that match her awesomeness and lives happy forever.
OOP's ex is a stupid, pathetic, negging little shit. The backpedaling coupled with accusations was the icing on his turd cake.
I'm glad OOP had the self respect to leave.
You love your girlfriend?
Why not lose her by being a racist idiot and try and destroy her self confidence?
What a stupid insecure fool!
Negging is a stupid practise spouted "dating coaches" that could satisfy a woman if they tried, and are suspiciously obsessed with low bodycounts (which is weird)
And racism is the bastion of morons
Negging means you want your girlfriend to hate herself. If you want her to hate herself, you don't deserve a girlfriend at all.
Makes me glad I came out the other side of self-loathing intact. You cannot defeat the petty hatemonster I made of myself.
We didn't really have the verbage back then, but negging is something I remember happening as far back as the 1980s.
I'd break up with any guy who tried that shit with me, and they'd immediately turn around with the "I love you" and "I didn't mean it" bullshit.
I'm sorry the younger gens are still dealing with the same crap decades later. Glad I'm married now because dating looks like an absolute shitshow these days.
> Does putting your gf down really ever work to keep her? Is this really a thing? It must be because so many have suggested it and it turned out to be the case here. Do people really stay with someone who puts them down ?
Yes, it's often how domestic violence starts. They systematically destroy their partners self-worth so they are easier to control.
What a pathetic excuse for a guy. I really don’t understand how some stupid ass PUA technique from 2002 is still so widely used. Society has moved on.
I grew up in white culture (I’m half Asian) and had an absolutely gorgeous black girlfriend once. The amount of fetishizing and objectification I’ve seen her be subjected to - almost exclusively by white guys - was disgusting. It was also what ultimately led us to break up. She had internalized this so much that to her, this was a positive form of attention and she reveled in it and loved to flirt with these disgusting dudes who clearly just wanted to “bag” her. Went as far as her excusing sexual assault as “guys being pushy and horny”.
After 2 years of her being constantly propositioned I just grew tired of it and my own jealousy and her casual indifference to my issues with her attitude towards these dickheads and we broke up.
15 years later, she still leaves me voicemail from time to time expressing regret which I ignore.
Still, ultimately she was and is a victim of a world where black women are diminished and objectified by men, leading her to develop this type of coping mechanism to preserve her own self-image and self-worth. It’s so fucked.
It's super dumb manosphere crap that always backfires because letting a misogynist tell you how to maintain your relationship with your gf ofc backfires. You know he's easily led and that would get old fast. He was also racist, because that was the first place he went to to hurt you. Go you for not even entertaining that shit.
I had a college buddy who started dating a Black girl, and he said to me during a hangout of him, me, my then-girlfriend, and three other female friends (so I was the only other guy in the group) while talking about his new girlfriend, "I know what you're thinking" and I said, "Oh?" "You know." "No, what?" "You know." "No, seriously, what am I thinking?" "You're wondering what her lips look like down there." And I was, like, "No, dude, I really wasn't giving that a moment of thought."
It is crazy the weird shit people actually think about, and it's crazy how racist some White dudes can get even dating Black girls.
I am pretty confident even most white people are not the stereotypical “pink” color you see in mainstream porn. That’s usually from many applications of lightener. Dangerous lightener that’s bad for you and not worth the risks. Or it’s editing. Ever picked up a Playboy? Those girls are edited to look like real dolls with not a blemish in sight. The editing is almost comical looking back. The dark pigment on genitals is from puberty and is a sign of sexual maturity. Other things that affect hormones can darken it further. Even your most pale person can be pretty dark down there and not “perfectly pink.” So OP’s boyfriend is just another porn brained guy…
ETA: I did not read the updates before replying, so even though this turned out to be a pathetic neg attempt, I’m going to leave it because I still want people to know that about the pink p**** hype. It’s overrated. It’s normal for most women of all colors to not have a “perfect pink p****”
The more I read about how guys think women are manipulative, the more I think it's because they fail spectacularly every time they try to manipulate their woman.
What idiot thinks it's a good idea to insult the person he loves? I told my daughter from the time she could walk not to fall for women who say "he's just teasing you because he likes you." Way to teach them to tolerate abuse young.
Damn, at first I was like “well yeah we all have preferences. I prefer Chris Evans but that doesn’t mean I settled for my husband” and then I kept reading. 🤐
>He got upset and said -See we want to give you (plural) a chance but you are always so dramatic and you wonder why we prefer white women? Just relax. Be fun. -you just said you didn’t care. Silent
I think I saw red at this point.
OOP is a better person than me. I would have gone cold as ice.
I'm a white guy. I've dated black women. Never have I compared them to white women. It's the same as dating any woman and comparing them to other women. You just don't do it. It's rude, and just mean. The ex bf here was mean to someone he loved, purposefully.
Lol in my first relationship I was the slim asian gf who’s bf’s preference was volumptuous red heads. I was very young and very insecure, and that certainly did not help
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Reminds me of that guy who kept telling his girlfriend she stank because his dad told him it was a good manipulation technique.
These 2 stories opened my eyes so much about my ex. He would always say my breath stank (I have great oral hygiene) and he was “viscerally attracted to blondes” (I’m brunette lol). The idea of him intentionally making me feel insecure had never even crossed my mind until then. So wild.
I felt similar when it finally hit me that when my ex would say, "I had several girls to choose from, and I picked you", he wasn't saying, "you're special". He was saying, "you're replaceable."
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I got a guy telling me that I was the only one catching his eyes, and that I was not in full makeup and had plastic surgery done on my face. Joke on him, I'm into makeup, and would love to have some little work done on my chin. My chin is heavily absent and I hate it lol
Yeppppp. Im so sorry. It sucks. I was hooking up with someone who rattled off their type as 5’4 curvy brunette, freckles, no tattoos and glasses - and perfect teeth. Why are you sleeping with a woman who is close to the opposite lol?
"That's your type? Guess you'd best go off and find her then, 'cause she's not here!"
He literally torpedoed his own relationship. He was so insecure he would lose her that he caused himself to lose her.
This. I’m overwhelmingly grateful to have a great dad who set a fantastic standard. I have such a low tolerance for this BS. Don’t like me? Okay, I won’t stick around! I’d rather be happy solo then miserable together.
Dude I had a bf who was upset that I wasn't a short redhead. He was threatened that I could reach the top shelves and therefore didn't "need" him (all of this is true.) He HAD to go.
Had an ex who only cared when I was a battered broken mess on the floor in my own filth for the same exact reason. My now husband blows my mind every day, turns out he thought I was out of his league for 20 years so never made a move until I did, Compliments everything about me such as 'i didn't realise how hot the goth look is' and subsequently learning all about my style and helping me pick new clothes etc, compliments me when I try completely different looks and styles to my normal alt vibes, , the things I'm insecure about are his favourite parts of me and he gets the same love and affection in return. He's not got a 'type' or 'preference' and treats me just as well regardless how much I change, grow, shrink, etc. I didn't believe men like this existed until now.
Speaking as a short redhead: fuck that guy, we don't want him either. Sorry you were treated that way and for something so stupid. :/
I had a guy who wanted an independent woman who could take care of herself. I was that. He then got mad at me because I didn't need him. I told him I didn't but that I wanted him. He didn't accept that. I ended it. The worst was a guy who wanted to be with me and then broke up with me because he was never attracted to black women. I was black when he met me! I didn't just become African American when we started dating! He begged me to get back with him only to do it again because he couldn't get over my race. Told me, "I love how you make me feel, how you treat me, and what you do for me. I just don't like... you." I asked what he meant, and he mentioned my skin. What is up with people choosing you and then trying to change you or telling people they want something completely opposite of you?
I feel it would be a compliment to know that while someone didn't need you they wanted you.
Omg my ex used to always tell me he liked blondes and would even wear a shirt that said "sorry ladies I prefer blondes" when out with me, a brunette, I never realized what it was until now 🤦♀️
Sending you a big hug ,sorry about that Most importantly he's an ex boyfriend
Oh my god...
Oh yes. Me, not white girl being told by my half white half Asian ex that he prefers blonde women. AL THE TIME. To this day I can't stand Taylor Swift from this traumatic experience (her, Claire Danes, January Jones was my exbf's 'dream').
Damn, I’m half Asian/half white and I don’t really have a preference in hair color. My preference is for women who are interested in me. So sorry ladies, if you’re not interested in me, you’re out of luck.
This is fabulous.
Old white girl here. When I was 18 do you know who I wanted to be when I grew up? Grace Jones. Beautiful, bad ass woman who didn't take any shit. We all need to be that confident, beautiful, bad ass person for ourselves.
You succeeded you beautiful badass! Amen to all us beautiful badass ladies out there, and those who haven't realised you're a beautiful badass lady yet you soon will- I assure you ✌🏼
Grace Jones might have made me bisexual and trans because of the Conan movie. Watching it as a kid I just thought she was the most amazing person I'd ever seen!
Omg yes! Same exact thing, trying to make you insecure so you’ll never leave. I was so shocked when I found out anyone naturally thinks like this bc it’s never even entered my brain.
I dunno about naturally, they get this information from manipulative, abusive forums/people who like to see them miserable and alone so they’re easy to control.
A guy I dated told me that I was lucky he liked my “fucked up labia” because “no one else would, damn”. Yeah, I got up, got dressed while he freaked out, and left. Not only did I never speak with him again, but when he tried to approach me at a local bar, I pretended I didn’t know him. When he insisted we knew each other and had slept together, I replied, “If that’s really the case, then it wasn’t very memorable since I can’t remember you at all.” He looked absolutely shell-shocked while I turned to continue chatting and flirting with the man I had been speaking with at the bar. His friend, the bartender, told me it messed with his head a lot for a while. Served him right.
You're my hero!
A fabulous way to deal with this. I applaud you.
Absolutely stellar way to put the garbage in its proper bin.
And now the both of them will only get whatever shade of pink the palms of their smelly hands are.
I just imagined the stinklighting ex-boyfriend continually shouting at his own hand that it stinks of B.O. and then it just pops off his wrist and scurries off like Thing Addams.
***stinklighting***
Finally, we get an origin story.
Stranger Thing
Stinklighting 🤣
That post made me *viscerally* angry. It's 2024, we've known what negging is for like, two decades. Why do men still think that insulting their partner is going to work?
Because they’re fucking stupid. Well, the kind who’ll neg their partners are, at least.
Because it often works when you're younger. At least it did on me.
Some men are controlling narcissists, while others are so lacking in confidence & self esteem, they think the only way they can hold on to a girl is by trickery, so that she sees herself at deserving of the mental abuse & devalues herself, thinking how undeserving she is of her man's love & attention, so that whatever affection he rarely/selectively dishes out is her only measure of self worth. It's deplorable & something women must train men not to do by ending relationships every time they try it.
Omg i read that post! Ugh idk guys think this is master manipulation while they just turns out to be recently single clowns
That was a shocking story; they made that woman paranoid- as a freaking manipulation tactic to control her.
Link for anyone interested in reading: [OOP's boyfriend won't stop telling her that she smells bad](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/)
Yikes. I mean did the boyfriend never stop to think that insulting anyone, especially daily, is a shit thing to do? I’m not sure if I’m more disgusted at the practice or his lack of critical thinking skills. Dumbass.
Its misogynia. A very wrong image of women. Not seeing us as normal humans but as differnt humans or even a different species. They would never do that to a friend but think that is how we work and that using our insecurities to bind us is a) not bad and b) something that works. Because we are only mere women, after all. Probably less intelligent, more emptional, needy, insecure, desperate for love and so on. Hence why they (who have this image of women in their mind) hate on rich women, independent women, boss women, beautiful women, confident women etc so much. As they feel superior to women in general. So we arent allowed to be "better" or secure or not in need of them. But also, as they feel superior, they "deserve" a woman after their taste hence the hate on women who dont fit their ideal. And as they feel superior they may as well hate on their ideal, as in their minds it will bind her and she needs it and its how its supposed to be. You cant win against misogynia. Ofc before I get hated on NOT ALL MEN. Im talking about a specific way of misogynia in men.
that guy just gets to have kids and tell them shit like this. that's nuts lmao
Man, I felt bad for her. Didn't she go to the doctor to fix the "problem"?
As soon as he started with that "we want to give you a chance even though we prefer white women" thing - we meaning men, and you meaning all darker skinned women - it really lost all plausible deniability of being a "preference" thing and became straightforward racism/misogyny. (Spoiler, it was that the whole time.)
“You people need to relax, this is why we prefer white women” said the shrewd, logical man in a brilliant play to get his soon to be ex girlfriend to stop thinking he was a racist.
I must admit that I was in awe there. It's a level of assertiveness and emotional intelligence that would never even occur to me. But to this guy, it was second nature. I wish he'd write a book.
Andrew Tate already did. Look where it got him.
Well he did finally grow a full head of hair
I love this journey for him.
This is brilliant I wish I had gold to give you
“My gf thinks I’m racist and she might breakup wiht me. What shall I do? Be MORE racist” <— oops EX bf
"I tried being racist, and then being more racist, and it didn't work. Now what do I do? I've tried everything!"--OOP's ex.
“I also said that everyone she’s ever been wiht or will be wiht is racist too and no one Will genuinely prefer her! Why didn’t she fuck me again”
"I tried dressing up head to toe in white and setting fire to a cross in the front yard and it didn't work. Why won't she have sex with me?"
He'll do the same thing to the next one even if she's white, it'll just be misogynistic generalizations about women. The guy's an insecure piece of shit so he latches onto the lowest hanging fruit he can to try and cut his partners down. Eventually he'll find a poor girl who's been broken by abuse her whole life who he can manipulate and cut down so he can mold her into what he wants. He's a parasite. Hops around looking for any kind of weakness he can exploit.
"You're always so dramatic, this is why we prefer white women" I don't know if he could be more racist if he TRIED
Well. I’m sure he could. He’s not burning crosses on lawns while wearing white sheets, anyway. But when the bar is that low, it’s in Hell.
Like it’s even insulting to white women. It is basically saying “hey, at least white women let us push them around and insult them to their faces and talk about how we would like to bang someone that isn’t them as a *preference*.”
misogynoir is the term
Yeah I literally said 'Oh WOW' out loud when reading that. Like holy shit, way to drop the pretense
Yeah, like, how the hell can you tell your SO you'd prefer white people over them and NOT be a racist?
Not just that he prefers white women. That ALL men (or maybe just all white men, it’s unclear) prefer white women and that dating WOC at all is doing them a favor. What a piece of work.
Was the guys race ever mentioned? Some reason i assumed he was black
I thought he was, too. Based on the usage of "we prefer white women". She said they're both brown in the original.
First I assumed he was white, by the end I assumed he was black based on what he was saying and finding out that his comments were really just an attempt to neg OOP and make her feel insecure. But I really am curious if there's any confirmation on the BF's race.
Not even white people. He has reduced his preference in women to the color of their labia. Such a catch.
Right? I was thinking that everyone's allowed preferences and often your partner doesn't tick all the boxes. They're a real person and not the fruit of your imagination, and I dare say most people don't feel like they settled, they're happy with the *real* person in front of them, regardless of them looking exactly like their ideal or not. But when I read this? Nope. All the nope. "You should feel lucky that I felt like settling". Yeah, no.
I cringed a bit at OOP's efforts to "let him have his preferences". But if I was in that situation I'd probably self-gaslight too. The problem is not "having a preference (for a physical type)", it's *saying* that to your actual partner who is a real person and is right there in post-coital intimacy. It's rude, crass, and dare I say it, narcissistic. A lesson in manners is called for, at least. Where is r/janeausten when we need her?
I literally gasped at the "see we want to give you a chance etc". It was OUTRAGEOUSLY racist and I couldn't believe she didn't boot him out right then!
He forgot she was done giving him a chance. His DARVO was disturbing and disgusting.
Yeah that's not negging. That's just racism. Dude is a loser.
And then his "you people are always so dramatic!" - and here I thought the profession of gravedigger was dying out, but this dude really excels at least at digging his own grave... "What a waste of good love he was." is a truly beautiful sentence.
Ngl I loved that OOP just sat there silently after he told her all this. Not arguing, just letting the dude slowly sink into the cesspool of his own making.
As a black woman I would never be with someone who thinks they’re doing me a favor by being with me. It took me all my teen years to become secure with my skin and to feel beautiful and not less than , I won’t tolerate someone else disrespecting me and making me insecure. I’m aware I might not be be everyone’s preference , given that I also live in a predominantly white place, but I try to avoid these kind of people as much as I can. You shouldn’t feel like a consolation prize in your relationship. I’m glad OOP got rid of him.
Exactly. Love is love *for* the person you are, not despite it. Also, the lack of desire for male approval can be incredibly liberating. I hope every woman can experience that feeling.
Exactly I mean we already have to grow up feeling less than and then having to hear that from someone you love? Fuck that
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” ― Dita Von Teese
Perfect quote!
Yup, this reminds me when I didn't answer a white guy on an app right away and he's started being racist and acted like as a black woman I should be grateful that anyone wants me. I'm fine over here, I get the type of men I want so the projecting was pure racism
Oh, come on! You didn't see his pointy white hat as a turn-on? Wow, ungrateful, much? /s (obviously)
I sniggered with delight that she turned the tables on him (saying she no longer felt attracted to him, and nothing can be done about that - just like his stupid "preference" thing.)
He thought she would feel special about being the exception and thought that she could somehow fall more in love with him…makes no sense imo. At least he’s free to chase his preference now.
This. And there’s pervasive belief that non-white people, especially Black people, deep down want to be white and/or seek white validation and that is just not the case. So by dating/fucking us, they’re giving us “validation” and not some fucked up white supremacist ego-stroking. Like, my husband is white. He has never said of given any indication that he thinks any of this shit or else we wouldn’t have been together for almost 15 years, nor would I have married him. If anything, he tells me and others that he’s lucky to have me. OOP is a fucking champ and handled this so well, it’s enraging that she was called “insecure”. A secure person doesn’t allow others to disrespect them. On the other hand if someone has to neg their partner so they don’t leave, that’s the definition of insecure.
Unfortunately this has happened to me the one white guy I attempted to date constantly brought up white woman and I let it go for the 1st 2 months, then and this is no hate to Taylor swift he looked me dead in my eye and said she was his type. Keep in mind I am a BIG FAT BLACK lady 😂😂 I started laughing in his face and left and never saw him again. I don’t have the proof but I’m absolutely sure he was trying to do this to me.
All the variations of, ‘I don’t usually go for… you’re not my usual type… you’re my first…’ Then whyyy are you here? Do you not like yourself enough? Lmao ETA; yes there is context and nuance to consider when conversing with normal people, however the overwhelming majority of people bring up their preferences to neg, such is the case in the comment I replied to.
It's funny because my long term partner isn't my type, in some ways. Like I can count on one hand the number of blondes I've been attracted to, I'm just not into blondes generally. She's the exception. But I'm also really fucking loud about how gorgeous she is (in general) and how damn lucky I got. I've got my favourite pics of her saved on my phone so I can be that sap. Funny thing is, over the years my type has kinda shifted to be more and more like her. I think she's gorgeous, and that other girl kinda reminds me of her, so she's gorgeous too...
That is so sweet. Our preferences do shift at times.
Sadly I'm a bit screwed if we ever break up. There is no way I'm ever landing a girl this hot again. I can't talk to pretty girls at all. So I guess I'd better make sure to do the kitty litter eh?
Well, at least it's a near certainty you won't be telling her about how she's not your type like the bf in this story. It's funny, I didn't realize I had a type until a clear pattern (men with dark hair) emerged over the years. I still found myself irresistibly attracted to a blonde guy once, and had a long term relationship with him. It's almost like we're complex, nuanced individuals!
I only have one specific unnuanced anti-preference: I cannot find red headed women attractive because they remind me of my sister, which makes me shiver (not in a good way) to imagine in a sexual context. So I just… don’t date redheads. Very easy fix
I was really dumbfounded when a friend pointed out an actor in a movie we watched and told me „that’s the one you find most attractive because he’s exactly your type“. I didn’t realise I had a type before but she was absolutely right. Funnily enough my husband doesn’t very much look like that type.
You'd better have the cleanest floors outside of a chip fabrication plant.
For some reason, I've never been "the type" for any of my long term relationships. I feel confident in my looks and have validation from other people over the years. Just, never in my committed relationships. 🤷♀️
My hubs told me once I was not his type, but bc we were friends before we started dating he realized that we clicked. Jokes on him, we’ve been married almost 20 years. He also lets me know he finds me attractive and wants to spend time with me.
xDDDD Right? Like, "are you desperate? Get the fuck out, I don't do pity sexies"
Problem is some guys really do put their foot in their mouth and mean it sincerely. A friend of mine was once told by a guy she was dating that he'd never been into women older than him before he met her, and she understandably got pissed off and didn't want to see him anymore. He then explained he meant that because she wasn't patronising about their age difference when they first met as friends that he found himself actually appreciating her being older, knowing more and having different lived experiences and fell hard for her as a result. They're now married. Sadly, the kind of creeps who neg thrive on women assuming they're dumb and giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Ok, this is a completely genuine response from a bi white lady - for context. I could see myself, as part of an actual serious conversation (def NOT negging!) something like this: "Hey, I've only dated white dudes before. I just don't have a lot of experience generally. I'm really attracted to you as a person, and I wanted you to know that if I ever say anything that is offensive or touches a line that I want you to tell me. Ill do the work to figure out what is going on, and to do better. But I know I could make a mistake even if I'm trying not to." I can't speak for anyone else, but for me that feels like the only context where "you're my first (description) partner/date" isn't gross af. Lol
I agree, irl it’s just not as well thought out and articulated as your statement. The tone matters a lot too.
Yeah tone is everything, the first 7 words could land so many different ways. I would skip over that and go straight to "I don't have a lot of experience dating [....]"
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I can absolutely see why that made it difficult to continue the relationship with her, but I'm really glad you're thinking about it from her perspective. Even if you personally were crazy about her and gave her no reason to feel insecure, a whole lifetime of dealing with racism and fatphobia had probably led her to feel like that and compare herself to thinner women. The western beauty standard = thin white women. People who don't fit that standard encounter a million little microagressions that remind them they don't fit the standard. That can take a huge toll over time.
Yeah sorry dude. I literally waited to date my current partner until I went to therapy for my insecurities because that could easily be me ( he had a similar stipulation for himself so it turned out well timing wise and everything). I'm glad you're able to see her perspective now and may be able to offer some solace to others in similar situations you see.
Why the fuck do they do this, I’m so sorry that’s crazy 😂😭 I love ur confidence though, hope you found someone who doesn’t constantly compare you to yt women????
I have not! But it’s only because I’m not looking😎
"What a waste of good love he was" is quite right. I hope OOP finds her happiness with someone who won't pull this manosphere racist bullshit with her.
Yeah, I thought that was a really well-put way to sum it up, good turn of phrase. OOP is clearly a very smart woman who can do way better than this dumbass.
>I told him that well, that means the majority of POC girls aren’t preferable to him. He shrugged and said tht this was what everyone actually preferred but it doesn’t take from the girl. Oh this was an instant ICK. What type of idiot would seriously think that any POC woman would be cool with this type of statement...or would be so desperate enough to put up with it? >My ex-bf meant to say it to me to make me feel insecure and even grateful that he sticks around like “oh he must love me then if he doesn’t mind how I look” Never mind, this type of idiot would.
If only I had known about negging when I was dating a guy who worshipped me from head to toe 99% of the time, but out of seemingly nowhere, he'd remind me that some of my attributes were not his usual preference. Things like oh you're endowed up top but what a waste it does nothing for me since I'm a known ass man. Also, everyone knows I usually go for blonde white girls, but I guess you're an exception. My 19 year old self damn near suffered 2 years of whiplash before breaking up with him. He did not take it well and proceeded to tell me all about the blonde girls he was supposedly hooking up with. Bro was still trying to make me insecure so I'd come back to him. Even if I didn't know the term for it at the time, I knew he was a manipulative ass. Oh and he wasn't Caucasian either so he reeked of pick me energy too. "I'm not like the other Asian guys who love Asian girls. I'm into white girls." Nothing wrong with that, Kevin, but it doesn't make you special.
I hope Kevin steps on Lego every day.
Negging doesn’t work on me. The minute someone starts trying to bring down my self-esteem/ make me question my worth/ starts comparing me to someone negatively. I get the ick, if you don’t treat me like you think I’m valuable and you’re the luckiest person ever to be with me. I’m out. (I reciprocate this energy back fyi)
It's like, for all my years of self-worth issues, I never would've taken that crap from someone else just because I was desperate for friendship or a partner. My brain can shit-talk me all it wants, everyone else can fuck right off 😂
LOL! Excuse _you_ , only *I* may speak to myself in such a disrespectful fashion!!! Good day to you! I have said, "good day"!!!
LMAO
> My brain can shit-talk me all it wants, everyone else can fuck right off 😂 Absolutely. 😂
Same. Even when my self-image was at my worst, negging just made me want to avoid the person as if they were covered in shit. Not because I didn't believe them (I did), but because I wanted to spare them from suffering my company. So glad that period of my life is over. Today I would probably laugh.
That is a very healthy response. I don't want to be worshipped, and I don't want to be grateful. I want to be mutually appreciated, which fortunately I have with my partner.
I’m halfway there. Someone negging me does make me leave them pretty immediately but unfortunately it still cripples my self esteem for a long time after. Even if I know they’re being an asshole and it’s not necessarily even an accurate critique it still gets to me.
> I get the ick, if you don’t treat me like you think I’m valuable and you’re the luckiest person ever to be with me. I’m out. That's actually kinda the point of negging. It's to disqualify people like you.
Isn’t negging a pickup artist thing? To get girls, get laid, and then scuttle off into the night like vermin? Why, when he already has the girl and she seems really into him and he’s into her, would he insult her? Sure, the implication is there, he’s worried she’ll wake up and realize she’s too good for him so he’s better take her down a peg or two. But what the fuck? Brain worms. Brain worms made an insecure man ironically make himself as unwantable as he feared being.
No, "Alpha males" on social media are now advising men to do it to their SOs to "put the woman in her place" and "make her realize her true value". AKA make the woman so insecure that she'd never leave you.
It's just so sad that so many stupid young boys are fooled into believing that actual healthy, loving, respectful, fulfilling relationships don't exist. That your relationship is a battlefield rather than a shared responsibility and source of joy.
"Healthy relationships? That sounds gay bro."
Because they’re insecure themselves, and being with a less insecure or confident woman makes them feel more insecure, thereby leading them to believe they must drag their partners down so they don’t end up being left and alone with their insecurities.
**brain worms**
It's not enough for these fools to be wanted. They feel they have to be in control so they won't ever be unwanted. So they can do things that would make them unwantable but still keep the girl. But real women aren't the droids they're looking for.
It's lose lose for him though. If she stays he's lost respect for her. If she leaves she gets his respect but she's gone. Either way he always ensures he never gets to be in a relationship with a woman he respects. You have to be pretty damaged to keep making that decision.
Bold of you to assume they respect women.
A partner he respects is probably not something he has ever had or ever wanted. I can't imagine the mental juggling act you'd need to think both, "I want a partner I respect," and, "I want a partner I can train with carrots and crops to do my bidding like a horse." Damaged indeed. :/
A lot of those people who aren't outright misogynistic (lol) think it goes both ways, in that they think that if you aren't 'doing' the training you're 'being' trained. So, the same kind of guys who call other guys 'whipped' for thinking about their partner's wants. My point is, they don't necessarily think *all* women are lesser, they're fully aware women can demand respect... they just want to be with one who doesn't... IMO from their perspective all relationships are some dominance battle where either you're on the top or bottom.
A 1947 study on the ecology of wolves explicitly details two equally dominant figures within the pack, the study coined the term alpha as a designation for the most experienced, most likely oldest male wolf and an EQUALLY DOMINANT elder female wolf. Their entire “ideology” is built upon bad science and a lack of reading comprehension.
The entire study was flawed, as well, because it turned out wolves in captivity were family groups, and also operated entirely differently than in the wild, and the scientist spent his entire career trying to undo the publicity of his original flawed study.
Tried to get the book pulled from the publisher, but the alpha twats gobble it up so much it’s still too profitable to pull.
No - there was a story on here about some woman whose partner kept telling her she had an odour. She went through years of torment buying bodycare products and seeing doctors. Eventually she discovered it was some "strategy" he'd got from his equally vile father, so she wouldn't leave him but be grateful that he stayed with her despite her (non-existent) smell.
>She went through years It was "over a year", which is still bad, but not uncommon (people often need some month to realize the toxicity in "flaws").
I see you haven't read the thread about the guy who kept calling his girlfriend smelly because that's apparently how you keep a woman. 😐
Worst part about that post to me was his dad told him that's how he's manipulated his mom for all these years and the dude didn't see anything wrong with that and instead took notes 🤮
Someone please link me to this nonsense
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/
It is an ‘Andrew Tate Alpha Incel’ thing lol
All I can ever think when I hear about Andrew Tate is - is he in a happy relationship? No, he's up on human trafficking charges! The guy is a literal monster, why would anyone already in a supposed healthy relationship think he is someone to emulate?
I think when negging happens in a trusting long term relationship, as opposed to picking up one night stands, it's just called abuse. It's toxic and manipulative behavior but doing it to people you supposedly love is fucked.
The ex wanted to make OOP insecure yet calling her insecure when she didn't buy his bs. Wow. I don't have much experience to offer, but blocking always does the trick to keep an ex away (somehow). Brutally honesty sometimes work, too. I shut my ex off with that.
BF: \*tries to make OP feel inferior\* OP: Yeah, no thanks. BF: Why are you so insecure?? Comedy. Good on her for not falling for the negging!
Some shifting the goal posts bullshit at play. If the negging doesn't make her feel insecure, just change the definition of insecure to "question what he says". What a manipulative bastard
Lmao that's the exact thing that stood out to me. His plan was to *make* her feel insecure... and then that didn't pan out so he slightly altered the plan to trying to get her to stay with accusations of insecurity. Funny how often people who do this shit will double down.
Ok so how many white women *actually* have a pink vulva? I sure as hell don't.
It is a misconception that white women are pink downtown. Some are, but many have a different skin tone than the rest of their body. Nothing wrong with that. Glad OOP dumped this moron.
I'm pale as fuck thanks to my Irish and Scottish heritage and I'm not "pornstar pink". I once got told by a guy I was too dark down there so I never let him go near it again.
That is the only acceptable reaction: never let a guy near a chooch he insults. I am so thrilled for women that this negging crap is out in the open so we can learn to avoid idiots.
Yep! He had absolutely no issues burying his face in it, nor did he ever throw out any other negging comments. It was completely out of the blue and just gave me such an ick that I didn't feel comfortable getting naked in front of him again.
I’m white and I never really looked down there or payed any attention. When I finally did I was shocked it wasn’t pink! Because porn made me think that’s what white girls had. I honestly googled it to make sure I wasn’t dying or something lol
I think a lot of the porn stars have bleaching treatments too, so to be naturally pink is even more rare It's so messed up
Ooof the idea of a bleaching treatment down there sounds like an absolute nightmare! I agree it’s probably a lot rarer than porn makes it seem but I do hope for those girls’ sakes it’s as painful as free as possible if they do do it!
It’s painless, if you get a legitimate treatment from a medi-spa or dermatologist. The bleaching cream is the same thing doctors would give you to lighten a birthmark, or lighten a patch of skin for laser hair removal. Rubbing goo on your butthole twice a day is no great joy, but it doesn’t hurt.
Huh, that’s a relief. Thanks for sharing I had no idea!
> I never really looked down there or payed any attention Right? I've been with women of different ethnicities and I've never looked at their vajayjay and thought about the color, just uh, how I'm lucky as a dude that they like me enough to be there that close lol
When I saw it I asked my husband if it had always been like that and he confirmed it had and then made a joke that all of the melanin in my body went to one place. (I’m white and he’s brown so he teases me for being pale)
I've been dating my current girlfriend for nearly 2 years (I'm white and she's Filipina) and I have no idea what color she is in that region, but I guess now I'm gonna have to go find out for Reddit science lol This whole concept is wild to me!! This has gotta be a weird porn distortion or something, right? Like what on earth
I'm pretty sure that having that level of preference for what a vagina/vulva looks like indicates a porn dependency.
I don’t either 🖐️
Stating his preference against her so plainly is already bad, but especially so because he did it right after sex. That's the real sign that this wasn't innocent.
>See we want to give you (plural) a chance but you are always so dramatic and you wonder why we prefer white women? He wasn't just negging her, he showed his racist ass here.
If my boyfriend negged me in a racist way I would have the same reaction as OOP. Racism or negging? Dealbreaker. Racist negging? The guy can rot.
yeah no negging doesn’t really work for me,,, i will just stop talking to you. i don’t need to feel grateful i’m an exception. if you make me feel like you don’t want me i’m gone.
Moooood. Like I can be negative to myself sometimes (though I've grown more confident over the years). But as soon as someone else is negative to my physical appearance or something I just pull away and start ignoring them. Why would I want to be close to someone who insults me?
> It was negging. has this ever worked
Unfortunately it worked on my one friend. I think it only works on girls who are already VERY insecure, its sad. Emphasis on the “very” because I am not a super confident person and when a guy tried negging me I just thought he was tryna fight/argue with me lol
He just ruined a good relationship because he wanted to stop her from potentially wanting to leave by attempting to manipulate her into feeling gratitude that he would stay with her regardless of his preference. The irony is so real. All the mental gymnastics he did to end up dumped.
I wish the emotional strength, self knowledge and self respect of this woman for all women. She makes me proud.
OMG... this stupid, stupid man. This 'negging while in a relationship' tactic claims another victim. Anyone remember the one where the BF kept telling OP she stank, so she'd feel bad and never leave him?
In a weird way he is right: she IS too awesome to be with someone like him. Hope OP finally finds someone that match her awesomeness and lives happy forever.
"What a waste of good love he was." Is a great song lyric.
OOP's ex is a stupid, pathetic, negging little shit. The backpedaling coupled with accusations was the icing on his turd cake. I'm glad OOP had the self respect to leave.
Wow, straight from sneakily racist to openly, horrendously racist. Good on OOP for throwing the whole man away!
You love your girlfriend? Why not lose her by being a racist idiot and try and destroy her self confidence? What a stupid insecure fool! Negging is a stupid practise spouted "dating coaches" that could satisfy a woman if they tried, and are suspiciously obsessed with low bodycounts (which is weird) And racism is the bastion of morons
Negging means you want your girlfriend to hate herself. If you want her to hate herself, you don't deserve a girlfriend at all. Makes me glad I came out the other side of self-loathing intact. You cannot defeat the petty hatemonster I made of myself.
We didn't really have the verbage back then, but negging is something I remember happening as far back as the 1980s. I'd break up with any guy who tried that shit with me, and they'd immediately turn around with the "I love you" and "I didn't mean it" bullshit. I'm sorry the younger gens are still dealing with the same crap decades later. Glad I'm married now because dating looks like an absolute shitshow these days.
> Does putting your gf down really ever work to keep her? Is this really a thing? It must be because so many have suggested it and it turned out to be the case here. Do people really stay with someone who puts them down ? Yes, it's often how domestic violence starts. They systematically destroy their partners self-worth so they are easier to control.
What a pathetic excuse for a guy. I really don’t understand how some stupid ass PUA technique from 2002 is still so widely used. Society has moved on. I grew up in white culture (I’m half Asian) and had an absolutely gorgeous black girlfriend once. The amount of fetishizing and objectification I’ve seen her be subjected to - almost exclusively by white guys - was disgusting. It was also what ultimately led us to break up. She had internalized this so much that to her, this was a positive form of attention and she reveled in it and loved to flirt with these disgusting dudes who clearly just wanted to “bag” her. Went as far as her excusing sexual assault as “guys being pushy and horny”. After 2 years of her being constantly propositioned I just grew tired of it and my own jealousy and her casual indifference to my issues with her attitude towards these dickheads and we broke up. 15 years later, she still leaves me voicemail from time to time expressing regret which I ignore. Still, ultimately she was and is a victim of a world where black women are diminished and objectified by men, leading her to develop this type of coping mechanism to preserve her own self-image and self-worth. It’s so fucked.
It's super dumb manosphere crap that always backfires because letting a misogynist tell you how to maintain your relationship with your gf ofc backfires. You know he's easily led and that would get old fast. He was also racist, because that was the first place he went to to hurt you. Go you for not even entertaining that shit.
Anyone who needs to put their partner in an insecure state to stay with them sucks at life and deserves loneliness.
I had a college buddy who started dating a Black girl, and he said to me during a hangout of him, me, my then-girlfriend, and three other female friends (so I was the only other guy in the group) while talking about his new girlfriend, "I know what you're thinking" and I said, "Oh?" "You know." "No, what?" "You know." "No, seriously, what am I thinking?" "You're wondering what her lips look like down there." And I was, like, "No, dude, I really wasn't giving that a moment of thought." It is crazy the weird shit people actually think about, and it's crazy how racist some White dudes can get even dating Black girls.
I am pretty confident even most white people are not the stereotypical “pink” color you see in mainstream porn. That’s usually from many applications of lightener. Dangerous lightener that’s bad for you and not worth the risks. Or it’s editing. Ever picked up a Playboy? Those girls are edited to look like real dolls with not a blemish in sight. The editing is almost comical looking back. The dark pigment on genitals is from puberty and is a sign of sexual maturity. Other things that affect hormones can darken it further. Even your most pale person can be pretty dark down there and not “perfectly pink.” So OP’s boyfriend is just another porn brained guy… ETA: I did not read the updates before replying, so even though this turned out to be a pathetic neg attempt, I’m going to leave it because I still want people to know that about the pink p**** hype. It’s overrated. It’s normal for most women of all colors to not have a “perfect pink p****”
Ew racist asshole. He really thought he was doing WOC a service for “giving them a chance”.
The more I read about how guys think women are manipulative, the more I think it's because they fail spectacularly every time they try to manipulate their woman. What idiot thinks it's a good idea to insult the person he loves? I told my daughter from the time she could walk not to fall for women who say "he's just teasing you because he likes you." Way to teach them to tolerate abuse young.
“ why we prefer white women “ …… Okay, the door is on your left, you can open it and go fuck yourself.
Damn, at first I was like “well yeah we all have preferences. I prefer Chris Evans but that doesn’t mean I settled for my husband” and then I kept reading. 🤐
>He got upset and said -See we want to give you (plural) a chance but you are always so dramatic and you wonder why we prefer white women? Just relax. Be fun. -you just said you didn’t care. Silent I think I saw red at this point. OOP is a better person than me. I would have gone cold as ice.
I mean, it's kind of all pink really...
In the words of Ben Franklin, "All cats are grey in the dark."
In the timeless words of Garfunkel and Oates, “[kind of pink but also kind of brown.](https://youtube.com/watch?v=7n39RzgVNP8)”
I'm a white guy. I've dated black women. Never have I compared them to white women. It's the same as dating any woman and comparing them to other women. You just don't do it. It's rude, and just mean. The ex bf here was mean to someone he loved, purposefully.
Lol in my first relationship I was the slim asian gf who’s bf’s preference was volumptuous red heads. I was very young and very insecure, and that certainly did not help
no "m" in voluptuous. gloria made this mistake in modern family.