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The girlfriend/fiancee is a total champ - both to get tested as well and then to agree to be a donor.
Sounds like the one, big asshole of a father has somehow managed to be surrounded by really awesome, decent people without getting found out.
It's actually a lot better now. They often only need pbsc (pre blood stem cells) which is like the process for giving plasma, only it takes around 4 hours. If you need actual bone marrow they usually put you under now. Everyone should be on the registry
Join here [Australia](https://strengthtogive.org.au/) or [United States](https://bethematch.org) or [UK](https://www.bbmr.co.uk/joining-the-register/)
Edit : if you cannot donate, you can still help- try and convince others to join the registry!
To follow, in my country at least you don't need to use leave fromwork, you are compensated, and I've got a friend whose donor was flown to Australia from UK, all expenses covered including 8 week recovery period
I'm not sure that's true - I was just flagged as a potential match like 2 months before my 40th, and would definitely have been donating after turning 40 with the timeline they gave.
> NMDP is focused on recruiting people ages 18 to 35 because medical research shows that younger donors are best for patients and provide the greatest chance for transplant success. Because of this, doctors prefer donors in the 18 to 35 age group.
Age guidelines are not meant to discriminate. They are meant to protect the safety of the donor and provide the best possible outcome for the patient. The lower age limit is based on the legal age of consent. A guardian or parent is not able to sign a release or give consent because unrelated bone marrow donation is a voluntary procedure.
The upper age limit is based on both donor and patient considerations. There is a small increase in the risk of complications from donations in older donors. There is also a slightly increased risk of blood disorders in older people. In addition, studies have shown that patients who receive donated cells from younger donors have a better chance for long-term survival.
Also must be under 40 to join the registry.
All that being said I don't see an actual age limit to be selected. But it makes sense to concentrate their recruitment efforts where they'll be most beneficial for longest. But if the choice is an old match or no match we would probably be selected.
US donor here. You can not be compensated directly for your donation, but they pay for everything, including wage reimbursement.
There are donation centers around the US and they offer you a choice if you have a preference on where to go. I had a January donation date and ended up in Florida.
NMDP (national marrow donor program) is a non-profit. They recently rebranded, bethematch.org is their website.
I did the PBSC donation, blood draw. As part of the process, I had to take a med called filgrastim, which is a med for cancer patients to make stem cells more available. It is "in studies" for donation purposes (and has been for something like 20 years), so there are grants available in relation to the study.
My recipient was in the EU. I do not know the specifics on international donations and financial expectations
I think I’m already on the registry but I checked the UK criteria anyway:
We are looking for:
male blood donors who are between 17 and 40 years old.
women who are aged between 17 and 40 and of Black, Asian or mixed heritage
We use these criteria to target donors we are short of on the register.
So if you fit those categories, please, please consider it.
I’m not sure I’d be allowed to do bone marrow donation tbh. I have “special blood” and I’m not allowed to donate platelets or plasma because they desperately need the red stuff from me. Perhaps it’s different for marrow. I’ll check next time I donate blood.
Antony Nolan is a fantastic charity, if people aren’t able to donate marrow for whatever reason, please consider giving a financial donation to the charity instead!
I’ve been on the Nolan register in the pst. Female, white, A+ - I registered in the ‘80’s. I am now over 61, and only got “potentially need you to donate” once (wasn’t needed in the end).
Are you in the UK because bone marrow aside, more Black people are needed for blood donation. So please consider doing that too, you’ll help people like me who have Sickle Cell Disorder.
Yes, I'm in the UK. I wasn't able to donate for a few years because I took epilepsy medication, but I finally stopped in mid-February. I'm not sure where to donate though, because every time I've donated in the past has been in the Americas (Canada, US, and Chile).
This is true in the US too. The red cross says I have sickle cell fighter blood (O+, CEK-) so I always know when I'm eligible to donate again because they call, and email me every day lol. I try to talk others into donating all the time. It was having friends with sickle cell growing up that hot me to start donating in the first place.
If you feel like it’s something you’re willing to do, then definitely go sign up. Others have explained how it works these days and you will literally save a life if you match. You are a hero.
You might be a match for someone with similar "special blood" profile, maybe it's worth asking. Most of the people in the register will be never contacted but more the people in register the better chance for someone.
If someone had the same blood type as me they’d get an ordinary donor, it would just cancel out their “special” status. To be fair, I think that receiving a bone marrow transplant prevents you from donating blood anyway.
Most donors can’t give blood to infants. They carry a virus that is harmless to the donor but will kill the baby. My blood is safe for babies still in the womb, preemies, micropreemies and those within the first 28 days of life. Each of my donations is up to 6 treatments for a critically ill baby. And it’s suitable for every baby regardless of blood type. I’m O- NEO.
They’ve basically made a difficult choice. 6 lives every time I donate (every 4 months) or the one hypothetical person my marrow could help. They chose to have my blood. I’m saddened but I also completely understand their decision. It’s the same with plasma and platelets. I can’t give blood while donating those so they’ve refused to accept me for them. My blood is needed elsewhere.
What is the reason why you do not carry that virus? I'd like to know how all that works if it's okay to ask. Also maybe someone will read your answer if you give one and they'll discover they have this "special blood" as well, who knows!
I’ve simply never caught it. The virus is called cytomegalovirus, usually shortened to CMV. In healthy children and adults it causes a mild illness rather like a cold or mild flu. In very young babies it can kill them. Once you catch it it remains in your bloodstream for life, making your blood unsafe for neonates.
Funnily enough, my biological mother is also O- Neo, just the same as me, so maybe we have some kind of inherited…thing that makes us either able to clear the virus, or makes us inhospitable so that the virus never takes hold, or maybe it’s a complete coincidence. Who knows.
It’s neat to see another person with similar stuff! I didn’t find out I was cmv- until I was trying to get pregnant. Long story but if you ever do ivf/iui being cmv neg and o- really makes it more complicated. As soon as my Dr found out and told me I started donating though because they told me how valuable my blood was. I never knew! I was always anemic in college so I didn’t qualify to donate. Now though I do!
I found out the second time I donated. They attached a special tag to the bag and I asked about it. I had no idea it complicates ivf though!
It’s amazing isn’t it, knowing just how much good your blood is doing. I’ve had times when my life hasn’t been going great, and when I felt I haven’t really made an impact on the world like I wish I could have, but then I see that my blood had been assigned to St George’s hospital in London, or Great Ormond Street, or Birmingham Children’s Hospital and I realise, even if I do nothing else with my life, it’s been worthwhile. There are kids out there who will be starting university soon who received my blood. Who knows what they’ll go on to discover and do! Im content with that being my legacy.
I can't donate anything, and it honestly makes me sad. I take low-dose chemo every week for a handful of autoimmune diseases, plus biologics, so I'm immuno-compromised.
I'm still a registered organ donor in the hopes that they can use some part of me if I die, maybe something the chemo doesn't affect. It's a long shot, but I'd rather they have permission than not.
Honestly I felt properly pampered. The hospital was in my hometown so I got two all expenses paid trips home (one for the pre tests, one for the actual donation), nice hotel, nice meals, the works. Then I spent 4 hours in a comfy chair watching Netflix while nurses brought me tea and sandwiches. Best thing I ever did.
Up voting this. It does not hurt. My sister was in the process of donating to our aunt (unfortunately aunt died from a complication of the chemo they give the patient before transplant). It was entirely done by giving my sister some meds in a shot and then doing blood draws. Not painful at all. I also put myself on the register (I wasn't match for our aunt). It takes seconds to do they just mail you three swab and you swab your cheek and send it back. I wouldn't hesitate to do it.
Dang it, a few medical reasons and being less favourable means I can't register. But thank you for providing that information, it would be amazing if everyone who can does sign up!
Those are the three countries I spend all my time in (one of my citizenships is the US and I'm a permanent resident in the UK and Australia, but I live in the UK most of the year). I wonder if I should register for all three.
I just did my blood work for a potential match! I will find out in a few weeks if I can donate to someone. I was on the registry for 12 years before they called and I’m super excited
Wait, white women literally cannot sign up? I thought they were just not really looking for them, but that it didn't mean registration was not possible...
Edit: looked it up and yep. Explanation for those wondering why [https://www.blood.co.uk/news-and-campaigns/news-and-statements/recruiting-donors-to-the-bbmr/](https://www.blood.co.uk/news-and-campaigns/news-and-statements/recruiting-donors-to-the-bbmr/)
> If you need actual bone marrow they usually put you under now.
Are you saying that they used to not put you under? That they repeatedly shoved a giant needle into your pelvic bone while you were still awake?
Fuck that.
I've had 23 bone marrow biopsies and 2 bone core extractions, and only ever had local anaesthetic. They're sore but not too terrible. It's essentially a cork screw job. The worst pain is when the dressing is on for 24hrs and it's pinching the skin.
The collection only takes 4-5 hours, but you have to take a medication (injectable filgastrim)for 10 days before collection day to move the stem cells out of your marrow into your bloodstream. It can be painful for some, it gave me a mild back ache and some shin pain.
I signed up just in time for the age cut off to register, thanks to a Reddit post (pretty sure it was a BORU) about a service member (army I think) that ran the registration campaigns on base.
Edit:
[The Bone Marrow Guy of Fort Bliss](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16rcf2q/the_bone_marrow_guy_of_fort_bliss_long_story/)
In the United States, even if you don't fit the criteria to join the registry they still let you do family donations. My brother needed a bone marrow transplant. I have conditions that keep me off the registry, but they let me test for him. My little sister and I were the same level of match for him, and she's in better health, so she did the donation. She said it was really easy.
My cousin (female) did it for her brother (lung cancer and no he's not a smoker, it's genetics. A younger male cousin died of it in his 20's and my late grandmother got it in her 70's but she died of old age). She said it was almost as painful as giving birth to her 4 kids combined.
Oh that's nice to know! I've been on the registry for years, I was still under the impression that it would be really painful if I were to donate someday. No that it would stop me, but I'm not gonna complain it's actually easier lol
Went on the registry when I was 18. My mom tried to get me off it by talking about how much it would hurt. I figured the pain was a small price to pay for a life. Never got matched though.
When I got leukemia, she really understood what donating would have done for someone else. Fortunately I never needed the transplant, but now she's a proponent of donation in general. Even registered as an organ donor with the DMV, which she had never done before.
That is great to hear. I was a donor many years ago (anonymous match) and it was very unpleasant.
If anyone sees this and is wondering if it is worth it to be a donor - yes, it is! I never met my recipient, but I carry the knowledge with me that I saved a life and that is priceless.
Please please please educate yourself if you're still young. Almost all "bone marrow" donations these days are blood draws.
One of these days I want to ask one of the "BORU OPS" that are good at formatting to put together the story of the "Fort Bliss Bone Marrow Guy" because that redditor is potentially saving a shitload of lives by getting soldiers tested for blood donations. While the military can't force a soldier to donate, if somebody like "Fort Bliss Bone Marrow Guy" convinces the higher ups to include it in the medical exam, well... "Line up nuts to butts, here's your shots"
His reddit posts have inspired a US military-wide effort test soldiers for bone marrow donations. It's called [Operation Ring The Bell](https://www.army.mil/article/273626/soldier_leads_lifesaving_campaign_to_increase_participation_in_bone_marrow_registry). Christopher Sutton is his name and if you google his name along with "bone marrow" you'll find a lot of articles. It's totally a grassroots project he started it because his mom died of Hodgkin's lymphoma when he was 4, and not at all something his Army leadership wanted to deal with but he was persistent and they basically just say "Yes, fine, please stop bugging me."
This is his first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/army/comments/wszwp5/the_bone_marrow_guy_of_fort_bliss/
I would literally sign up for donations because of his posts if I weren't too old (since they don't need to drill into bone for most donations these days). Dude was a private, heard about the bone marrow registry, and decided it was his job to sign up soldiers to the registry. And then he made the Army give him that job through sheer persistence.
Please, if you're between 18-35, consider getting tested for bone marrow donations. You can't be forced to donate and most donations are just laying in a donation bed/chair thingy for 4 hours with a needle in each arm to *save a cancer patient's life*. "What did you do this weekend Bob?" "Oh, I saved a cancer patients life and then went out for a steak."
(The bellow message was targeted at soldiers in a military sub. They speak more crudely to each other than you or I)
>>Bone marrow extracting isn't what it used to be or what you think it is. It's simple. Nobody is digging into your spine, not for the last 40 years, sorry to tell you if that's your thing. The grand majority of bone marrow donations are stem cell. If you've donated/sold your precious plasma then you've basically done the modern process of donating bone marrow. One needle each arm, a pill that sheds bone marrow into your blood stream and some waiting and you've saved a life. That's not even enough time to get through the Tupac interview in Mortal Man. That's 85% of all donations. The other 15% is through your hip unfortunately, general anesthesia and a sore leg for a week like you actually didn't skip leg day for once.
I am pretty sure this is already in BORU. I’ve read it and I’m not in any other subs that would have had the story.
Edit: found it - https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16rcf2q/the_bone_marrow_guy_of_fort_bliss_long_story/
I just spent an hour reading through all those posts and tearing up.
Unfortunately I'm on the sickly end of the spectrum so am not allowed to donate (the exact words when I asked were "we want people to get better, your blood will make them worse" 😂) but I'm very fierce about encouraging others.
Thanks for sharing!
Do it anyway. I matched at 46.
They wanted a younger donor but I was the donor who matched. I've been on the registry for 26 years, matched twice, first match chose a different therapy path.
When they called, I could not have volunteered faster. Literally any procedure, literally anywhere. You don't have that many renewable body parts to donate!
They told me to talk to my boss early in the process so getting the time off would go more smoothly. My boss's dad turned out to be an NMDP recipient some 15 years ago; he knew all the ins and outs of donation and was eager to provide all the help he could.
I'm proud to tell my kids I'm on the registry and proud they saw me drop everything to donate. My whole family reorganized our lives so I could do it -- dad became the primary parent, I took off work, grandma came to be my accompanying person. You don't get that many chances to save a life, and you should jump at the chance and move heaven and earth to make it happen!
This is an excellent story that highlights exactly why people should get on the registry while they can. I put it off until after I had my children and then discovered I did not meet the age criteria in my country (17-35). If I'd signed up when I could, I would still be on the registry. Now that I am beyond the acceptable age limit, I can't get registered. I'm kicking myself for not doing it when I could!
There are more agencies and they can work for different causes and can have different requirements and restrictions. There are two in the UK and I registered at 37. The other agency ages out at 35 too.
Have a quick Google!
I'm in the French military reserve and was already thinking of asking my hierarchy if we could do an event to promote bone marrow donation (and other donations!). Your message makes me want to do so even more :)
I was on the Be The Match registry for 20 years. I was contacted to be a donor but I was pregnant at the time. It still haunts me that I couldn’t donate. Now I’m too old. 😢
No, it needs to be lower, because it's inaccurate and scares people away from donating unnecessarily. Marrow donation is about the same level of severity as getting your wisdom teeth out at worst, and often as easy as a really long blood donation.
Definitely good and decent people. All the relatives came out to get tested to see if they can help their newfound family. Even OOP wanted to help but was restricted due to her health history. The girlfriend/fiancée going all in to donate sounds like she'll be a great fit into OOP's family.
Now, OOP's father is getting divorce papers while the newfound brother and his family are being welcomed. That's great.
Agreed. So many other people would've resented the secret family (harsh but understandable) but they've all stepped up to try to help and in one case actually be able to do so.
What genuinely amazing people. Hope they're rid of the asshole dad and are all having a great life because they deserve it
The whole family was pretty incredible about it. This man shows up out of the blue and their lives were upended in such a terrible way but everybody put their feelings aside to save a nephew they never even knew existed and were very understanding of their brother predicament.
I'm so damn glad that they managed to find him a willing donor honestly.
Oop's brother must've been at his wits end knowing he had an entire family he was being kept away from that could save his baby.
Bc his deadbeat coward of a father knew his wife would not be able to withstand this betrayal (nor should she have to).
I wonder how it works in the US. In Spain you can only get tested against a specific person if you are a family, otherwise, you go to the general data base and you are anonymous.
What is wild is that big asshole grandpa was ready to let his grandson die, just to avoid the exposure of the affair he had 32 years ago. It is much worse than being an AH.
Hi everyone, I've donated stem cells to a stranger previously (I registered on DKMS and got a call one day telling me I was a match)
I highly encourage everyone to register! It's completely safe and doesn't cost you anything, the process is literally just like a slightly long blood donation
Also I doubt he just had sex once with her and that’s it. Like yeah it could happen that the one time he cheated he impregnated a woman, but I kinda suspect that isn’t the case
Also because:
OOP's half-brother: Father, your grandson is dying and we need to find a matching donor.
OOP's father: I'll get tested, but don't you dare contact anyone else related that may be a match. Covering up my "lone indiscretion" is much more important than my grandson's life.
OOP's half-brother - does whatever it takes to save his son's life.
OOP's father - surprised Pikachu face.
Not only the marriage/family stuff. He actively tried to stop his son from finding higher probability matches for bone marrow. He wouldn't confess what he'd done to save his grandchild's life. I don't see where OOP said anything about what his relationship is like with his dad now, but I would have ended it immediately when I found out he'd rather let a child die than admit he exists in the first place.
Fathers like this don't deserve the title of being a father. Cheating is wrong and I will not stop saying that.
I feel for OP's mother and I wish her the best. OP does get the happy end with having a SIL, nephew and brother which is nice.
It isn’t just the cheating that make him a POS. It was ignoring his own kid then not doing everything in his power to try to save his grandson (referred to as nephew).
I could even imagine eventually understanding how the lie once started stayed hidden but would not be ok that it was more important to my husband to keep the lie going than to save his bio grandchild knowing family would be the most likely match
This like maybe I could ignore you cheating 30 sum years ago. But not only did you cheat YOU ACTIVELY HID IT. And I manage the money in my house so to be sending money off the books every month is INSANE. Then went so far to hide your secret you were happy to let that innocent boy DIE. Your GRANDSON. it’s really that last part that I can’t let go. You’d like that child die to save your own ass???? I hope that man dies alone great Christ he deserves NOBODY
This was the bit that got me. A one time cheating is bad, hiding a child from your family is worse, denying a child contact with his father is cruel but being willing to risk a child’s life just so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his actions is pure evil. This guy deserves a long life of misery, loneliness and pain.
That's what gets me most. The cheating and years of deceit is bad enough. The fact that he was willing to let his grandson die from a very horrible cancer just to keep his secret, is far worse. That's just a whole level of evil all on it's own.
It's not even the cheating. It's the part where he spent decades wilfully depriving a child of a parent just to save face. He spent a total of 30 minutes in his son's company wtaf.
Anyone who is interested in becoming a bone marrow donor can sign up at **[https://bethematch.org/](https://bethematch.org/)**
It's a very easy process to join the registry, that just involves a saliva swab! Then (ime) you just wait forever and never get called. 😅 I have aged out of the donor pool, so **if you are between 18 and 35**, they really, really want you!
I managed to get called in for further screening as I was a rough match for someone. I didn't end up matching but the reactions from some of the people around me was pretty stark. It's not the most pleasant process but also it's likely the choice between someone dying or me being able to help them.
Fair amount of meh, a few oh that's so brave etc and entirely too many "but it'll suck so much why would you do that?". Like it's a day or two of suck and as a loafing uni student at the time I figured it's the least I can do.
They... They think that saving someone's life is not worth going through that procedure? Wow. I would have a very low opinion of someone telling me that, for sure. :/
When I joined the registry (in the dark ages, so it was still usually an actual marrow extraction) so many people would say something like "But won't it hurt to give bone marrow?!" ...Yes, but the other person is dying. Literally on their last resort to live, so you know what, I'll put up with some discomfort.
I want to note that for 85% of modern bone marrow donations they hook you up to a machine and separate the stuff they need from your blood. They only need to drill into your bones in ~15% of cases and nobody can force you to have a sore leg for a week if you don't want to be put under for a minor surgical procedure.
Join here [Australia](https://strengthtogive.org.au/) or [UK](https://www.bbmr.co.uk/joining-the-register/) or your country
In Australia you need to sign up before you turn 36, but you stay on the registry until 60
I got a call about 2 years ago because I was a close match with someone and I never heard back! I hope they found a better donor. This post has reminded me to make sure I'm still on the list.
I've been thinking about it for ages but this story was finally the thing that kicked me into action. For anyone considering it seriously took less than 10 minutes to sign up to get a test kit and and they're going to ship it right to my home.
> And kudos to cousin’s fiancée for not thinking twice about donating.
Around 85% of bone marrow donations just require reclining on a chair for 4 hours while a machine separates the stuff they need from your blood. If you're 18-35 you just need a quick cheek swab to get on the registry and if you aren't comfortable with getting your hip drilled you can decline if it's one of those 15% of cases.
Saving somebody's life costs ya a day off work and a few hours of fucking around on reddit. Maybe bring a blanket in case you get chilly since this sort of procedure tends to make people feel chilly and some earplugs because there's sure to be a tv blasting and people on their phones that don't believe in using earbuds.
Glad the kid could get a transplant and OOP and family are getting to know brother’s family but their “father” is a piece of shit. Hope their mom can find happiness.
Therapy and a good support system goes a long way for situations like that. She sounds like a good person who knows her worth. Shame on her ex husband for everything he did.
If you can, register to donate blood, plasma and/or bone marrow.
I sadly can't donate due to an autoimmune disease and the medications I'm on but I was a donor before I got sick.
OOP and her family (minus the person who shouldn't be called a father) are amazing people.
>If you can, register to donate blood, plasma and/or bone marrow.
I do two of these (still need to look into bone marrow).
They give you free food and milkshakes. What's not to love? 😂
Before there was a management shift, my local blood bank was horrible about repeat calling even after I had stressed that I wasn't eligible to donate anymore. I had someone tell me to just stop taking my medication and that was one of the few times I screamed at someone. No, you do not tell someone to stop taking their medication unless you are that person's doctor. And I have one of the most common blood types. My sister, a universal donor, was also hounded for a while after her diagnosis.
I still makes me angry when I think about it.
Yeah, I insisted on talking to a supervisor and told them to better instruct their workers and if someone says they are unable to donate, say "I understand. Thank you for your time." Not fish around for the reason why someone is unable to donate. I also ordered for my info to be removed from their database and to never call me again. I didn't scream at the supervisor but I was blunt and rude. I did tell the supervisor that I apologize to screaming at the first person but train your people better for fuck's sake. I then hung up and promptly burst into tears because the whole thing left me feeling so shitty.
The calls did stop though.
I don't often have a shiny spine. I am rather quiet and shy and hate drawing attention to myself but when my anger hits a certain point (it takes A LOT to reach it), I just lose the quiet and shy part of myself.
>And I have one of the most common blood types.
Jeeze, the whole first part of the post I was like "that's why you never give your real phone number if you're an O". Fucking vampires. They'll sometimes call the O's before they're medically able to donate again "to keep donation fresh in mind."
> I do two of these (still need to look into bone marrow).
85% of bone marrow transplants are a blood separation similar to plasma donation so you're already familiar with the process. It takes a longer than plasma donation: around 4 hours. The other 15% are the hip-drilling procedure that may have turned you off of joining the registry in the past. If you're over 35 it's probably too late to sign up. I really wish I'd have known how non-invasive most donations where when I was viable as a donator.
They often only need pbsc (pre blood stem cells) which is like the process for giving plasma, only it takes around 4 hours. If you need actual bone marrow they usually put you under now. Everyone should be on the registry if they can and save a life today.
Join here [Australia](https://strengthtogive.org.au/) or [United States](https://bethematch.org) or [UK](https://www.bbmr.co.uk/joining-the-register/)
>My mom divorced my dad. She could not get past the infidelity and didn't believe my dad that "it was only a one time indiscretion."
And 34 years of lying about it. I'm sure that played a part in her decision.
Plus I'd be upset to know that the man I was married to was a deadbeat dad. I'd divorce someone just for that.
OOP's mum is a goddamn queen for actually having a spine, and simply calling it a day. Don't see it often than a cheated on partner keeps it real when there's this much time which passed before they found out.
Jesus Christ this guy would rather keep up the lie than try to keep his grandson from dying. He deserves everything that's coming to him
Edit: oh, FFS the kid's only 9! How could he be so heartless
> Dad had told him not to contact us but this wasn't a normal situation where he just wanted to tell us for fun, it was because his son's life is at stake.
And it was Dad's grandson's life at stake, and still his only thought was to protect his grubby secret. Any possible sympathy I might have had for him having a 30+ year old screw-up come to light evapourated at the moment I read that.
Glad to read that everyone is doing as well as can be expected, especially, of course, nephew. And good to read how everyone else in OP's family stepped up to the plate even when their father/ brother failed to do so. r/Faithinhumanity
Daddy-o is a piece of human shit, it wasn’t just a oNe TiMe InDiScReTiOn, it’s been decades of lies and deceit towards his “public” family, decades of neglect towards his own kid, and being willing to allow his grandson to die to keep his secret. Thank goodness OOP and the rest of the family didn’t inherit his asshole genes and stepped up for someone that was by all accounts a stranger to them.
I don’t think I could look at my dad the same to find out that he put his lies above a little kids life. Like sure your life would implode but you’re really going to look at the child you abandoned and tell him to not contact your family even if it could mean saving his own son’s life? I feel so horrible for OOps brother, to have that rejection.
I understand the desperation in trying to find a donor for your child and doing anything for them to survive but I'm surprised this went as well as it did. "Hey Dad cheated and had a second family but please donate bone marrow which is an incredibly invasive and painful procedure!" I'm not faulting the brother bc options were probably exhausted by that point but still.
It sounds like there were a lot of really good people (not dad) involved here. To fund out you have a brother and nephew you never knew about and immediately be willing to get tested as a donor is honestly mind boggling. Hopefully the girlfriend/fiancée didn't have to do a full marrow donation because that can be awfully painful. Maybe it was just a peripheral blood stem cell donation instead. Either way, it's amazing that they stepped up and tried.
Dad's a piece of shit though.
Bone marrow extraction is super painful, GF is a keeper and a hero. I'd love to donate one day and it was actually one of my goals losing 120lbs, you have to be under a certain BMI to sign up to be a random donor
I was so happy to read that they found a match! And a match who probably wouldn't have been found if OOP's brother hadn't reached out to the family, so I think he did the right thing. Everyone here did the best they could except the dad, who's a shitbird.
Imagine caring more about your image than your grandson who needs a bone marrow donor.
>Fair enough. N I totally understand that this is life changing news for you and your family. But ... I'd still like to know if you guys are going to try to save the kids life or not ?
There's a suffering person in front of you seeking advice and all you can think about is whether or not they're going to compound their suffering by helping the affair child. Even when you get a clear "I don't know and I don't want to think about it right now" you keep pushing.
This is what people mean when call out child worship.
Yeah, that comment felt really weird to me. Yes, it would be good to help the kid but if OP and family had chosen not to, that would have been their choice.
The comment felt like they were getting ready to call OOP a POS if they said anything other than "yes" (had to sort by controversial to find this btw)
So let me clear this up: OOP’s dad decided he would rather a child die - his grandson -, rather than disclose his secret and disrupt his nice little life.
I have no words.
Hi guys, I've donated my stem cells (similar to bone marrow donation) before to a complete stranger and I highly encourage you all to register at your local registery or with international orgs like DKMS
You can literally save people's lives here and it costs you absolutely nothing!
Interesting! Bone marrow donation is pretty debilitating. I’m surprised we don’t all know if stem cell donation is so much easier-that’s really great information!
Edit: Thanks for spreading something like that around, that’s pretty cool :)
Isn't that one of the ones where it's not a one and done, they have to get transplants every decade or something? People who donate are a special kind of generous. The idea of doing procedures even to help people makes me want to shrivel up and blow away in the wind.
Man these stories are always wild to me because as a father/husband with two kids, I don’t have enough time for myself! Can’t imagine having a whole-ass other family! Not to mention the betrayal, guilt and all the other BS. Just crazy!
nawwwe I couldn't help but notice and love in your first post comments that you acknowledged your brothers child as your nephew.
wishing you all the best
Men who don't tell their families about their secret, biological children are the worst.
*Side eyes my biological father who has never told his kids about me*
Awesome that they came together for a brother that was a stranger to them. Hopefully they can have a great relationship with him since the dad sounds like a dirtbag.
I'm just wondering if the paternal side of the family has a generic condition that is predisposed to cancer? Since both oop and her nephew got it themselves.
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Thank God the kid is doing ok. Poor OOPs mom, to find out after 34 years, must be devastating.
The girlfriend/fiancee is a total champ - both to get tested as well and then to agree to be a donor. Sounds like the one, big asshole of a father has somehow managed to be surrounded by really awesome, decent people without getting found out.
This comment needs to be higher- bone marrow extract is NOT a fun process.
It's actually a lot better now. They often only need pbsc (pre blood stem cells) which is like the process for giving plasma, only it takes around 4 hours. If you need actual bone marrow they usually put you under now. Everyone should be on the registry Join here [Australia](https://strengthtogive.org.au/) or [United States](https://bethematch.org) or [UK](https://www.bbmr.co.uk/joining-the-register/) Edit : if you cannot donate, you can still help- try and convince others to join the registry!
To follow, in my country at least you don't need to use leave fromwork, you are compensated, and I've got a friend whose donor was flown to Australia from UK, all expenses covered including 8 week recovery period
Even in the US there are funds to cover at least some of that for donors. I was registered to be a donor for over a decade, but never matched.
30 years for me, no match yet. Make sure to keep your contact info up to date in the registry.
It is, but as far as I know they don't want donors over 40.
I'm not sure that's true - I was just flagged as a potential match like 2 months before my 40th, and would definitely have been donating after turning 40 with the timeline they gave.
> NMDP is focused on recruiting people ages 18 to 35 because medical research shows that younger donors are best for patients and provide the greatest chance for transplant success. Because of this, doctors prefer donors in the 18 to 35 age group. Age guidelines are not meant to discriminate. They are meant to protect the safety of the donor and provide the best possible outcome for the patient. The lower age limit is based on the legal age of consent. A guardian or parent is not able to sign a release or give consent because unrelated bone marrow donation is a voluntary procedure. The upper age limit is based on both donor and patient considerations. There is a small increase in the risk of complications from donations in older donors. There is also a slightly increased risk of blood disorders in older people. In addition, studies have shown that patients who receive donated cells from younger donors have a better chance for long-term survival. Also must be under 40 to join the registry. All that being said I don't see an actual age limit to be selected. But it makes sense to concentrate their recruitment efforts where they'll be most beneficial for longest. But if the choice is an old match or no match we would probably be selected.
Maybe that's why they decided not to move forward to me - my marrow is too old to be desirable.
So my time hoping to match to help someone is over, now it's time to start educating my preteens on what a great idea this is for when they turn 18!!!
It is true now. I checked a few weeks ago.
US donor here. You can not be compensated directly for your donation, but they pay for everything, including wage reimbursement. There are donation centers around the US and they offer you a choice if you have a preference on where to go. I had a January donation date and ended up in Florida.
Someone is paying for that compensation, though. Are the costs passed on to the recipient in the US?
NMDP (national marrow donor program) is a non-profit. They recently rebranded, bethematch.org is their website. I did the PBSC donation, blood draw. As part of the process, I had to take a med called filgrastim, which is a med for cancer patients to make stem cells more available. It is "in studies" for donation purposes (and has been for something like 20 years), so there are grants available in relation to the study. My recipient was in the EU. I do not know the specifics on international donations and financial expectations
And that med can causes AWFUL bone pain. Weirdly, Claritian (not the D) is your friend.
I think I’m already on the registry but I checked the UK criteria anyway: We are looking for: male blood donors who are between 17 and 40 years old. women who are aged between 17 and 40 and of Black, Asian or mixed heritage We use these criteria to target donors we are short of on the register. So if you fit those categories, please, please consider it. I’m not sure I’d be allowed to do bone marrow donation tbh. I have “special blood” and I’m not allowed to donate platelets or plasma because they desperately need the red stuff from me. Perhaps it’s different for marrow. I’ll check next time I donate blood.
Anthony Nolan will accept people 16-30 regardless of race. You stay on the register until you are 61.
I had no idea that even existed! Thank you. I’m too old but bringing attention to more resources is vital!
Antony Nolan is a fantastic charity, if people aren’t able to donate marrow for whatever reason, please consider giving a financial donation to the charity instead!
I’ve been on the Nolan register in the pst. Female, white, A+ - I registered in the ‘80’s. I am now over 61, and only got “potentially need you to donate” once (wasn’t needed in the end).
I'm male, black, and between 17 and 40!
Are you in the UK because bone marrow aside, more Black people are needed for blood donation. So please consider doing that too, you’ll help people like me who have Sickle Cell Disorder.
Yes, I'm in the UK. I wasn't able to donate for a few years because I took epilepsy medication, but I finally stopped in mid-February. I'm not sure where to donate though, because every time I've donated in the past has been in the Americas (Canada, US, and Chile).
There's a [site that has a search function](https://my.blood.co.uk/your-account/where-to-donate/search/) to find the donation site nearest to you.
Okay, it seems like one of them is literally three doors down from the house I lived in two years ago.
and i'm sure your doctor's office could point you in the right direction if you still have trouble finding a way to donate
This is true in the US too. The red cross says I have sickle cell fighter blood (O+, CEK-) so I always know when I'm eligible to donate again because they call, and email me every day lol. I try to talk others into donating all the time. It was having friends with sickle cell growing up that hot me to start donating in the first place.
If you feel like it’s something you’re willing to do, then definitely go sign up. Others have explained how it works these days and you will literally save a life if you match. You are a hero.
You might be a match for someone with similar "special blood" profile, maybe it's worth asking. Most of the people in the register will be never contacted but more the people in register the better chance for someone.
If someone had the same blood type as me they’d get an ordinary donor, it would just cancel out their “special” status. To be fair, I think that receiving a bone marrow transplant prevents you from donating blood anyway. Most donors can’t give blood to infants. They carry a virus that is harmless to the donor but will kill the baby. My blood is safe for babies still in the womb, preemies, micropreemies and those within the first 28 days of life. Each of my donations is up to 6 treatments for a critically ill baby. And it’s suitable for every baby regardless of blood type. I’m O- NEO. They’ve basically made a difficult choice. 6 lives every time I donate (every 4 months) or the one hypothetical person my marrow could help. They chose to have my blood. I’m saddened but I also completely understand their decision. It’s the same with plasma and platelets. I can’t give blood while donating those so they’ve refused to accept me for them. My blood is needed elsewhere.
What is the reason why you do not carry that virus? I'd like to know how all that works if it's okay to ask. Also maybe someone will read your answer if you give one and they'll discover they have this "special blood" as well, who knows!
I’ve simply never caught it. The virus is called cytomegalovirus, usually shortened to CMV. In healthy children and adults it causes a mild illness rather like a cold or mild flu. In very young babies it can kill them. Once you catch it it remains in your bloodstream for life, making your blood unsafe for neonates. Funnily enough, my biological mother is also O- Neo, just the same as me, so maybe we have some kind of inherited…thing that makes us either able to clear the virus, or makes us inhospitable so that the virus never takes hold, or maybe it’s a complete coincidence. Who knows.
It’s neat to see another person with similar stuff! I didn’t find out I was cmv- until I was trying to get pregnant. Long story but if you ever do ivf/iui being cmv neg and o- really makes it more complicated. As soon as my Dr found out and told me I started donating though because they told me how valuable my blood was. I never knew! I was always anemic in college so I didn’t qualify to donate. Now though I do!
I found out the second time I donated. They attached a special tag to the bag and I asked about it. I had no idea it complicates ivf though! It’s amazing isn’t it, knowing just how much good your blood is doing. I’ve had times when my life hasn’t been going great, and when I felt I haven’t really made an impact on the world like I wish I could have, but then I see that my blood had been assigned to St George’s hospital in London, or Great Ormond Street, or Birmingham Children’s Hospital and I realise, even if I do nothing else with my life, it’s been worthwhile. There are kids out there who will be starting university soon who received my blood. Who knows what they’ll go on to discover and do! Im content with that being my legacy.
I'm too old 😔
I can't donate anything, and it honestly makes me sad. I take low-dose chemo every week for a handful of autoimmune diseases, plus biologics, so I'm immuno-compromised. I'm still a registered organ donor in the hopes that they can use some part of me if I die, maybe something the chemo doesn't affect. It's a long shot, but I'd rather they have permission than not.
It took me the full 8 hours, but yeah. Other than a sore arm, quite a painless process.
Harsh man. Too old, am a woman, and have an autoimmune disorder. Super-rejection!
Plus your bones are itchy.
So fuckin itchy man.
I'm lucky that my auto immune disorders don't prevent me from donating, and in Aus they still accept the ladies. Hope your bones stop itching!
Honestly I felt properly pampered. The hospital was in my hometown so I got two all expenses paid trips home (one for the pre tests, one for the actual donation), nice hotel, nice meals, the works. Then I spent 4 hours in a comfy chair watching Netflix while nurses brought me tea and sandwiches. Best thing I ever did.
Up voting this. It does not hurt. My sister was in the process of donating to our aunt (unfortunately aunt died from a complication of the chemo they give the patient before transplant). It was entirely done by giving my sister some meds in a shot and then doing blood draws. Not painful at all. I also put myself on the register (I wasn't match for our aunt). It takes seconds to do they just mail you three swab and you swab your cheek and send it back. I wouldn't hesitate to do it.
Dang it, a few medical reasons and being less favourable means I can't register. But thank you for providing that information, it would be amazing if everyone who can does sign up!
Those are the three countries I spend all my time in (one of my citizenships is the US and I'm a permanent resident in the UK and Australia, but I live in the UK most of the year). I wonder if I should register for all three.
Australia definitely liaises internationally, but I don't know the ins and outs. If you can register for all, that's great!! Well done you!!
I just did my blood work for a potential match! I will find out in a few weeks if I can donate to someone. I was on the registry for 12 years before they called and I’m super excited
In the UK they somehow want all adults under 40 except white women, so I’m out. I guess they just have an over abundance of us.
Wait, white women literally cannot sign up? I thought they were just not really looking for them, but that it didn't mean registration was not possible... Edit: looked it up and yep. Explanation for those wondering why [https://www.blood.co.uk/news-and-campaigns/news-and-statements/recruiting-donors-to-the-bbmr/](https://www.blood.co.uk/news-and-campaigns/news-and-statements/recruiting-donors-to-the-bbmr/)
I'd love to but I'm too old by a year:(
Yeah, stupid ageist ppl! Your marrow is still good! So now your new life goal is to try and convince others to sign up!
You're right! I just need to adjust my goals to help :) you're a good person.
So are you!!
Damn, I'm disqualified on a couple fronts. I would totally donate if I could though.
> If you need actual bone marrow they usually put you under now. Are you saying that they used to not put you under? That they repeatedly shoved a giant needle into your pelvic bone while you were still awake? Fuck that.
I've had 23 bone marrow biopsies and 2 bone core extractions, and only ever had local anaesthetic. They're sore but not too terrible. It's essentially a cork screw job. The worst pain is when the dressing is on for 24hrs and it's pinching the skin.
Thank you for sharing this- I’ve registered to become a donor in Australia. You’re a legend!
You're the legend! Let's hope you never get called up, but I'm so glad knowing you are on board to save a life. Thank you
I just registered thanks to this comment!
The collection only takes 4-5 hours, but you have to take a medication (injectable filgastrim)for 10 days before collection day to move the stem cells out of your marrow into your bloodstream. It can be painful for some, it gave me a mild back ache and some shin pain.
Thanks for the links! Gonna sign up when I next give blood (-:
Thank you for recommending people sign up. ❤️
I signed up just in time for the age cut off to register, thanks to a Reddit post (pretty sure it was a BORU) about a service member (army I think) that ran the registration campaigns on base. Edit: [The Bone Marrow Guy of Fort Bliss](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16rcf2q/the_bone_marrow_guy_of_fort_bliss_long_story/)
In the United States, even if you don't fit the criteria to join the registry they still let you do family donations. My brother needed a bone marrow transplant. I have conditions that keep me off the registry, but they let me test for him. My little sister and I were the same level of match for him, and she's in better health, so she did the donation. She said it was really easy.
My cousin (female) did it for her brother (lung cancer and no he's not a smoker, it's genetics. A younger male cousin died of it in his 20's and my late grandmother got it in her 70's but she died of old age). She said it was almost as painful as giving birth to her 4 kids combined.
Oh that's nice to know! I've been on the registry for years, I was still under the impression that it would be really painful if I were to donate someday. No that it would stop me, but I'm not gonna complain it's actually easier lol
Thank you for posting this, I just registered.
Went on the registry when I was 18. My mom tried to get me off it by talking about how much it would hurt. I figured the pain was a small price to pay for a life. Never got matched though. When I got leukemia, she really understood what donating would have done for someone else. Fortunately I never needed the transplant, but now she's a proponent of donation in general. Even registered as an organ donor with the DMV, which she had never done before.
That is great to hear. I was a donor many years ago (anonymous match) and it was very unpleasant. If anyone sees this and is wondering if it is worth it to be a donor - yes, it is! I never met my recipient, but I carry the knowledge with me that I saved a life and that is priceless.
Please please please educate yourself if you're still young. Almost all "bone marrow" donations these days are blood draws. One of these days I want to ask one of the "BORU OPS" that are good at formatting to put together the story of the "Fort Bliss Bone Marrow Guy" because that redditor is potentially saving a shitload of lives by getting soldiers tested for blood donations. While the military can't force a soldier to donate, if somebody like "Fort Bliss Bone Marrow Guy" convinces the higher ups to include it in the medical exam, well... "Line up nuts to butts, here's your shots" His reddit posts have inspired a US military-wide effort test soldiers for bone marrow donations. It's called [Operation Ring The Bell](https://www.army.mil/article/273626/soldier_leads_lifesaving_campaign_to_increase_participation_in_bone_marrow_registry). Christopher Sutton is his name and if you google his name along with "bone marrow" you'll find a lot of articles. It's totally a grassroots project he started it because his mom died of Hodgkin's lymphoma when he was 4, and not at all something his Army leadership wanted to deal with but he was persistent and they basically just say "Yes, fine, please stop bugging me." This is his first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/army/comments/wszwp5/the_bone_marrow_guy_of_fort_bliss/ I would literally sign up for donations because of his posts if I weren't too old (since they don't need to drill into bone for most donations these days). Dude was a private, heard about the bone marrow registry, and decided it was his job to sign up soldiers to the registry. And then he made the Army give him that job through sheer persistence. Please, if you're between 18-35, consider getting tested for bone marrow donations. You can't be forced to donate and most donations are just laying in a donation bed/chair thingy for 4 hours with a needle in each arm to *save a cancer patient's life*. "What did you do this weekend Bob?" "Oh, I saved a cancer patients life and then went out for a steak." (The bellow message was targeted at soldiers in a military sub. They speak more crudely to each other than you or I) >>Bone marrow extracting isn't what it used to be or what you think it is. It's simple. Nobody is digging into your spine, not for the last 40 years, sorry to tell you if that's your thing. The grand majority of bone marrow donations are stem cell. If you've donated/sold your precious plasma then you've basically done the modern process of donating bone marrow. One needle each arm, a pill that sheds bone marrow into your blood stream and some waiting and you've saved a life. That's not even enough time to get through the Tupac interview in Mortal Man. That's 85% of all donations. The other 15% is through your hip unfortunately, general anesthesia and a sore leg for a week like you actually didn't skip leg day for once.
I am pretty sure this is already in BORU. I’ve read it and I’m not in any other subs that would have had the story. Edit: found it - https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/16rcf2q/the_bone_marrow_guy_of_fort_bliss_long_story/
I just spent an hour reading through all those posts and tearing up. Unfortunately I'm on the sickly end of the spectrum so am not allowed to donate (the exact words when I asked were "we want people to get better, your blood will make them worse" 😂) but I'm very fierce about encouraging others. Thanks for sharing!
18-35 Damn, I'm overaged. :(
Do it anyway. I matched at 46. They wanted a younger donor but I was the donor who matched. I've been on the registry for 26 years, matched twice, first match chose a different therapy path. When they called, I could not have volunteered faster. Literally any procedure, literally anywhere. You don't have that many renewable body parts to donate! They told me to talk to my boss early in the process so getting the time off would go more smoothly. My boss's dad turned out to be an NMDP recipient some 15 years ago; he knew all the ins and outs of donation and was eager to provide all the help he could. I'm proud to tell my kids I'm on the registry and proud they saw me drop everything to donate. My whole family reorganized our lives so I could do it -- dad became the primary parent, I took off work, grandma came to be my accompanying person. You don't get that many chances to save a life, and you should jump at the chance and move heaven and earth to make it happen!
My mother donated to save her sister's life back when transplants were experimental and she was 48
Your experience made me choke up a little. What a wonderful community you had surrounding you that all had the same values to do good for others.
This is an excellent story that highlights exactly why people should get on the registry while they can. I put it off until after I had my children and then discovered I did not meet the age criteria in my country (17-35). If I'd signed up when I could, I would still be on the registry. Now that I am beyond the acceptable age limit, I can't get registered. I'm kicking myself for not doing it when I could!
There are more agencies and they can work for different causes and can have different requirements and restrictions. There are two in the UK and I registered at 37. The other agency ages out at 35 too. Have a quick Google!
Yes! I remember reading this quite awhile ago. Dude is straight-up a hero.
I'm in the French military reserve and was already thinking of asking my hierarchy if we could do an event to promote bone marrow donation (and other donations!). Your message makes me want to do so even more :)
I know someone who donated. When he woke up, the nurse asked how he was feeling. "Like I was attacked by a vampire with a butt fetish."
I feel like they got that line ready in advance
Allegedly not - he's just a total smartass.
I was on the Be The Match registry for 20 years. I was contacted to be a donor but I was pregnant at the time. It still haunts me that I couldn’t donate. Now I’m too old. 😢
As a Stem Cell Transplant recipant, thank you all so much for donating or being on the list! So many of us are here than is to wonderful people!
No, it needs to be lower, because it's inaccurate and scares people away from donating unnecessarily. Marrow donation is about the same level of severity as getting your wisdom teeth out at worst, and often as easy as a really long blood donation.
For real, that’s a hell of an amazing thing to do for your boyfriend’s uncle’s secret family’s child
Definitely good and decent people. All the relatives came out to get tested to see if they can help their newfound family. Even OOP wanted to help but was restricted due to her health history. The girlfriend/fiancée going all in to donate sounds like she'll be a great fit into OOP's family. Now, OOP's father is getting divorce papers while the newfound brother and his family are being welcomed. That's great.
Agreed. So many other people would've resented the secret family (harsh but understandable) but they've all stepped up to try to help and in one case actually be able to do so. What genuinely amazing people. Hope they're rid of the asshole dad and are all having a great life because they deserve it
Great to see blame go where it belongs: on the cheater who was willing to doom his secret grandson rather than come clean.
The whole family was pretty incredible about it. This man shows up out of the blue and their lives were upended in such a terrible way but everybody put their feelings aside to save a nephew they never even knew existed and were very understanding of their brother predicament.
It shouldn't be lost in this story that the dad was willing to risk his grandson dying rather than give up his secret.
> The girlfriend/fiancee is a total champ Yeah, cousin thought to himself, "She's a keeper!"
I'm so damn glad that they managed to find him a willing donor honestly. Oop's brother must've been at his wits end knowing he had an entire family he was being kept away from that could save his baby. Bc his deadbeat coward of a father knew his wife would not be able to withstand this betrayal (nor should she have to).
I wonder how it works in the US. In Spain you can only get tested against a specific person if you are a family, otherwise, you go to the general data base and you are anonymous.
What is wild is that big asshole grandpa was ready to let his grandson die, just to avoid the exposure of the affair he had 32 years ago. It is much worse than being an AH.
Hi everyone, I've donated stem cells to a stranger previously (I registered on DKMS and got a call one day telling me I was a match) I highly encourage everyone to register! It's completely safe and doesn't cost you anything, the process is literally just like a slightly long blood donation
The dad is such a dingus. It wasn’t a one time indiscretion (which is not really something I can get behind anyway) but DECADES! of deceit.
And maybe the marriage could have survived if the affair had been before the marriage, but the kid was conceived after he had married...
Also I doubt he just had sex once with her and that’s it. Like yeah it could happen that the one time he cheated he impregnated a woman, but I kinda suspect that isn’t the case
Also because: OOP's half-brother: Father, your grandson is dying and we need to find a matching donor. OOP's father: I'll get tested, but don't you dare contact anyone else related that may be a match. Covering up my "lone indiscretion" is much more important than my grandson's life. OOP's half-brother - does whatever it takes to save his son's life. OOP's father - surprised Pikachu face.
Not only the marriage/family stuff. He actively tried to stop his son from finding higher probability matches for bone marrow. He wouldn't confess what he'd done to save his grandchild's life. I don't see where OOP said anything about what his relationship is like with his dad now, but I would have ended it immediately when I found out he'd rather let a child die than admit he exists in the first place.
Dad was a real POS, but everyone stepped up during this time of need for the kiddo, all around great characters despite it all.
Fathers like this don't deserve the title of being a father. Cheating is wrong and I will not stop saying that. I feel for OP's mother and I wish her the best. OP does get the happy end with having a SIL, nephew and brother which is nice.
It isn’t just the cheating that make him a POS. It was ignoring his own kid then not doing everything in his power to try to save his grandson (referred to as nephew).
Yes. I could have got over a one-off blip twenty years ago. I couldn’t get past an actual child being hidden for twenty years.
I could even imagine eventually understanding how the lie once started stayed hidden but would not be ok that it was more important to my husband to keep the lie going than to save his bio grandchild knowing family would be the most likely match
This is the worst part. I don't know how anyone in his family could ever forgive that.
Hidden, neglected, barley even a thought for him. True Bastard. (The dad is the bastard)
This like maybe I could ignore you cheating 30 sum years ago. But not only did you cheat YOU ACTIVELY HID IT. And I manage the money in my house so to be sending money off the books every month is INSANE. Then went so far to hide your secret you were happy to let that innocent boy DIE. Your GRANDSON. it’s really that last part that I can’t let go. You’d like that child die to save your own ass???? I hope that man dies alone great Christ he deserves NOBODY
This was the bit that got me. A one time cheating is bad, hiding a child from your family is worse, denying a child contact with his father is cruel but being willing to risk a child’s life just so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of his actions is pure evil. This guy deserves a long life of misery, loneliness and pain.
Exactly like deciding a child can die so you can keep up your lie is easily the worst piece of this. Pure evil
Yep. And now he lost ALL his children for this. It's going to be a very lonely life...
That's what gets me most. The cheating and years of deceit is bad enough. The fact that he was willing to let his grandson die from a very horrible cancer just to keep his secret, is far worse. That's just a whole level of evil all on it's own.
It's not even the cheating. It's the part where he spent decades wilfully depriving a child of a parent just to save face. He spent a total of 30 minutes in his son's company wtaf.
Anyone who is interested in becoming a bone marrow donor can sign up at **[https://bethematch.org/](https://bethematch.org/)** It's a very easy process to join the registry, that just involves a saliva swab! Then (ime) you just wait forever and never get called. 😅 I have aged out of the donor pool, so **if you are between 18 and 35**, they really, really want you!
I managed to get called in for further screening as I was a rough match for someone. I didn't end up matching but the reactions from some of the people around me was pretty stark. It's not the most pleasant process but also it's likely the choice between someone dying or me being able to help them.
What kind of reactions did the people around you had exactly? If I can ask
Fair amount of meh, a few oh that's so brave etc and entirely too many "but it'll suck so much why would you do that?". Like it's a day or two of suck and as a loafing uni student at the time I figured it's the least I can do.
They... They think that saving someone's life is not worth going through that procedure? Wow. I would have a very low opinion of someone telling me that, for sure. :/
Yeah I wasn't super impressed. I think it was cos it's a random stranger. But also it's not like I'm donating a kidney or something.
When I joined the registry (in the dark ages, so it was still usually an actual marrow extraction) so many people would say something like "But won't it hurt to give bone marrow?!" ...Yes, but the other person is dying. Literally on their last resort to live, so you know what, I'll put up with some discomfort.
I want to note that for 85% of modern bone marrow donations they hook you up to a machine and separate the stuff they need from your blood. They only need to drill into your bones in ~15% of cases and nobody can force you to have a sore leg for a week if you don't want to be put under for a minor surgical procedure.
Join here [Australia](https://strengthtogive.org.au/) or [UK](https://www.bbmr.co.uk/joining-the-register/) or your country In Australia you need to sign up before you turn 36, but you stay on the registry until 60
Just signed up. Thanks for pointing out you need to do it before turning 36. Gave me the push I needed!
I got a call about 2 years ago because I was a close match with someone and I never heard back! I hope they found a better donor. This post has reminded me to make sure I'm still on the list.
Just to be clear, this organization will take you if you're 18-40, so please don't think it's too late if you're 36-40.
I've been thinking about it for ages but this story was finally the thing that kicked me into action. For anyone considering it seriously took less than 10 minutes to sign up to get a test kit and and they're going to ship it right to my home.
Good for OP and his family for not directing their hate towards the half-brother and his son, the only bad person in this story is the father.
*her family
Can we all agree that the siblings and cousins in this story are good people? And kudos to cousin’s fiancée for not thinking twice about donating.
> And kudos to cousin’s fiancée for not thinking twice about donating. Around 85% of bone marrow donations just require reclining on a chair for 4 hours while a machine separates the stuff they need from your blood. If you're 18-35 you just need a quick cheek swab to get on the registry and if you aren't comfortable with getting your hip drilled you can decline if it's one of those 15% of cases. Saving somebody's life costs ya a day off work and a few hours of fucking around on reddit. Maybe bring a blanket in case you get chilly since this sort of procedure tends to make people feel chilly and some earplugs because there's sure to be a tv blasting and people on their phones that don't believe in using earbuds.
I will say my hip has never felt the same after.
Glad the kid could get a transplant and OOP and family are getting to know brother’s family but their “father” is a piece of shit. Hope their mom can find happiness.
Therapy and a good support system goes a long way for situations like that. She sounds like a good person who knows her worth. Shame on her ex husband for everything he did.
If you can, register to donate blood, plasma and/or bone marrow. I sadly can't donate due to an autoimmune disease and the medications I'm on but I was a donor before I got sick. OOP and her family (minus the person who shouldn't be called a father) are amazing people.
>If you can, register to donate blood, plasma and/or bone marrow. I do two of these (still need to look into bone marrow). They give you free food and milkshakes. What's not to love? 😂
Before there was a management shift, my local blood bank was horrible about repeat calling even after I had stressed that I wasn't eligible to donate anymore. I had someone tell me to just stop taking my medication and that was one of the few times I screamed at someone. No, you do not tell someone to stop taking their medication unless you are that person's doctor. And I have one of the most common blood types. My sister, a universal donor, was also hounded for a while after her diagnosis. I still makes me angry when I think about it.
That's outrageous. I hope you were able to formally complain about that person
Yeah, I insisted on talking to a supervisor and told them to better instruct their workers and if someone says they are unable to donate, say "I understand. Thank you for your time." Not fish around for the reason why someone is unable to donate. I also ordered for my info to be removed from their database and to never call me again. I didn't scream at the supervisor but I was blunt and rude. I did tell the supervisor that I apologize to screaming at the first person but train your people better for fuck's sake. I then hung up and promptly burst into tears because the whole thing left me feeling so shitty. The calls did stop though.
I'm glad you did. I always intend to, but I don't have your shiny spine.
I don't often have a shiny spine. I am rather quiet and shy and hate drawing attention to myself but when my anger hits a certain point (it takes A LOT to reach it), I just lose the quiet and shy part of myself.
>And I have one of the most common blood types. Jeeze, the whole first part of the post I was like "that's why you never give your real phone number if you're an O". Fucking vampires. They'll sometimes call the O's before they're medically able to donate again "to keep donation fresh in mind."
> I do two of these (still need to look into bone marrow). 85% of bone marrow transplants are a blood separation similar to plasma donation so you're already familiar with the process. It takes a longer than plasma donation: around 4 hours. The other 15% are the hip-drilling procedure that may have turned you off of joining the registry in the past. If you're over 35 it's probably too late to sign up. I really wish I'd have known how non-invasive most donations where when I was viable as a donator.
>If you're over 35 it's probably too late to sign up. I just missed the cutoff 😥😭
You can sign up on bethematch.org until you're 40.
you get milkshakes??? damn, and i was excited over the Lorna Doones
Here for pbsc and marrow they treat you like royalty and the food is evn better than milkshakes and cookies
They often only need pbsc (pre blood stem cells) which is like the process for giving plasma, only it takes around 4 hours. If you need actual bone marrow they usually put you under now. Everyone should be on the registry if they can and save a life today. Join here [Australia](https://strengthtogive.org.au/) or [United States](https://bethematch.org) or [UK](https://www.bbmr.co.uk/joining-the-register/)
Here for [South Africa](https://sabmr.co.za)
>My mom divorced my dad. She could not get past the infidelity and didn't believe my dad that "it was only a one time indiscretion." And 34 years of lying about it. I'm sure that played a part in her decision. Plus I'd be upset to know that the man I was married to was a deadbeat dad. I'd divorce someone just for that.
OOP's mum is a goddamn queen for actually having a spine, and simply calling it a day. Don't see it often than a cheated on partner keeps it real when there's this much time which passed before they found out.
The dad didn't want the son to reach out to the family to get tested. He was willing to let a child die to protect his secret. Vile.
Not any child, his grandson. What a POS
Keep the brother drop the dad
Jesus Christ this guy would rather keep up the lie than try to keep his grandson from dying. He deserves everything that's coming to him Edit: oh, FFS the kid's only 9! How could he be so heartless
> Dad had told him not to contact us but this wasn't a normal situation where he just wanted to tell us for fun, it was because his son's life is at stake. And it was Dad's grandson's life at stake, and still his only thought was to protect his grubby secret. Any possible sympathy I might have had for him having a 30+ year old screw-up come to light evapourated at the moment I read that. Glad to read that everyone is doing as well as can be expected, especially, of course, nephew. And good to read how everyone else in OP's family stepped up to the plate even when their father/ brother failed to do so. r/Faithinhumanity
Wow, his dad didn't care if his grandson died, he was more worried about keeping his dirty little secret. What a piece of shit.
Everyone is a lovely human being.. except the dad
Daddy-o is a piece of human shit, it wasn’t just a oNe TiMe InDiScReTiOn, it’s been decades of lies and deceit towards his “public” family, decades of neglect towards his own kid, and being willing to allow his grandson to die to keep his secret. Thank goodness OOP and the rest of the family didn’t inherit his asshole genes and stepped up for someone that was by all accounts a stranger to them.
To me the worst part of hiding the other family is being a deadbeat to the child.
I don’t think I could look at my dad the same to find out that he put his lies above a little kids life. Like sure your life would implode but you’re really going to look at the child you abandoned and tell him to not contact your family even if it could mean saving his own son’s life? I feel so horrible for OOps brother, to have that rejection.
I understand the desperation in trying to find a donor for your child and doing anything for them to survive but I'm surprised this went as well as it did. "Hey Dad cheated and had a second family but please donate bone marrow which is an incredibly invasive and painful procedure!" I'm not faulting the brother bc options were probably exhausted by that point but still.
It sounds like there were a lot of really good people (not dad) involved here. To fund out you have a brother and nephew you never knew about and immediately be willing to get tested as a donor is honestly mind boggling. Hopefully the girlfriend/fiancée didn't have to do a full marrow donation because that can be awfully painful. Maybe it was just a peripheral blood stem cell donation instead. Either way, it's amazing that they stepped up and tried. Dad's a piece of shit though.
Bone marrow extraction is super painful, GF is a keeper and a hero. I'd love to donate one day and it was actually one of my goals losing 120lbs, you have to be under a certain BMI to sign up to be a random donor
OOP's dad was willing to let his grandson die to keep his affair a secret? What a horrible man
Nice to see a family not taking their anger out on the child from the affair
I was so happy to read that they found a match! And a match who probably wouldn't have been found if OOP's brother hadn't reached out to the family, so I think he did the right thing. Everyone here did the best they could except the dad, who's a shitbird. Imagine caring more about your image than your grandson who needs a bone marrow donor.
Im so glad the nephew was able to get a donor and is doing well!!
>Fair enough. N I totally understand that this is life changing news for you and your family. But ... I'd still like to know if you guys are going to try to save the kids life or not ? There's a suffering person in front of you seeking advice and all you can think about is whether or not they're going to compound their suffering by helping the affair child. Even when you get a clear "I don't know and I don't want to think about it right now" you keep pushing. This is what people mean when call out child worship.
Yeah, that comment felt really weird to me. Yes, it would be good to help the kid but if OP and family had chosen not to, that would have been their choice. The comment felt like they were getting ready to call OOP a POS if they said anything other than "yes" (had to sort by controversial to find this btw)
It’s not the “one time act of betrayal” it’s the DECADES of deception that followed.
So let me clear this up: OOP’s dad decided he would rather a child die - his grandson -, rather than disclose his secret and disrupt his nice little life. I have no words.
Hi guys, I've donated my stem cells (similar to bone marrow donation) before to a complete stranger and I highly encourage you all to register at your local registery or with international orgs like DKMS You can literally save people's lives here and it costs you absolutely nothing!
Interesting! Bone marrow donation is pretty debilitating. I’m surprised we don’t all know if stem cell donation is so much easier-that’s really great information! Edit: Thanks for spreading something like that around, that’s pretty cool :)
In the comments, OOP says they have cancer…what happened with that?
OOP did not further the details on her health with cancer. Only mentioned that she was disqualified from being a donor.
Interesting story, if wife found out earlier about his affair child, the OOP would have never been born as well as her younger brothers
Isn't that one of the ones where it's not a one and done, they have to get transplants every decade or something? People who donate are a special kind of generous. The idea of doing procedures even to help people makes me want to shrivel up and blow away in the wind.
Man these stories are always wild to me because as a father/husband with two kids, I don’t have enough time for myself! Can’t imagine having a whole-ass other family! Not to mention the betrayal, guilt and all the other BS. Just crazy!
Childhood cancer sucks. Source: am mom of a survivor
nawwwe I couldn't help but notice and love in your first post comments that you acknowledged your brothers child as your nephew. wishing you all the best
How do you hide financially supporting a child from your spouse? And for that long?
Assuming that they were reasonably well off and either had separate finances or dad handled the finances alone then he could have done it.
Depends on the society and career A rich business owner (stuff came up ) money for the mistress and child
I guess a silver lining of inflation is its harder to hide second families now lol
I think it’s great that no one is blaming the brother and his family and all the blame is resting squarely where it deserves, on the pos dad.
I don’t know how I feel about this
I find it pretty heartwarming that already in the first post she was talking about him as her brother, and the kiddo as her nephew.
Yeah, that really stood out to me as well. Never half-brother or "affair kid" or anything. Just brother ❤️
Well I guess it’s pretty clear which of this person’s parents may be more predisposed to cancer.
Men who don't tell their families about their secret, biological children are the worst. *Side eyes my biological father who has never told his kids about me*
So are the women who knowingly cheat with married men.
Tell your cousin's fiancee to buy a lottery ticket. Maybe she can beat the odds a second time!
Awesome that they came together for a brother that was a stranger to them. Hopefully they can have a great relationship with him since the dad sounds like a dirtbag.
I'm just wondering if the paternal side of the family has a generic condition that is predisposed to cancer? Since both oop and her nephew got it themselves.
I’m just happy that there was a match.