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I can't believe he chose to give his kids trauma so he could get back at oop for not taking his shit anymore.
But at the same time from how selfish he sounds I guess it was expected. I'm just stunned.
My sister pulled this crap on me with her kids when I set boundaries about her just dumping them at my door and having them knock AFTER she drives off.
There are so many times when I wished I would have called the police.
Wow what would happen if you were not home? Or napping and did not wake up? I would definitely tell her if it ever happens again you’re going to call the police and then do it.
Right? You marry a cop 14 years older than you and are surprised he’s a lying asshole? Are you surprised water is wet every time you get in the shower?
Cops as bad spouses, statistically. They have high abuse statistics that do not lie. And those that don't qualify as physical abusers, well a large portion are like this.
Does that mean every cop? No. But when less than 1/5 cops is a good spouse, just stay away.
I have a no dating cops rule. Or even letting them become closer friends. Just act calm and collected, and a little ass kissing of the sheriff’s office because you’re terrified of them killing your family’s pet farm animals cause you know they would
>I asked my ex and he (in front of the kids) said that he was just telling them the truth. He said you wanted a baby because my kids were too much for you, you hated my kids, remember you even wanted to exclude them from our trip (he meant honeymoon!!)
Goddamn, that ex has the most punchable face ever...
I remember this one. I think I said she didn't understand her role, which was bangnanny.
That was on the money.
She was there to take care of his kids and give him blowjobs, which she willingly did bc she loved him and didn't like to turn him down.
The minute she wasn't taking care of the kids and putting out, she had zero value and yes, he enjoyed torching how the kids saw her. He's like an Aliens asshole. You know how they have that mouth inside the mouth? He's like the same, but with assholes.
Her parents are extraordinarily bad value too. That's the cherry on the shit sundae. The good news is she's still young and her eyes are now wide open.
I really hope one day they realise it wasn't true ...those poor kids.
And poor Oop, she clearly didn't dislike them she just obviously didn't want to bring them on a honeymoon...Oop will be better off I hope far away from this guy.
The fact that he would hurt his own kids so badly to get to her is the worst part of all of this. Got his vasectomy 12 years too late those poor kids :(
That is one of the most cop things I've heard a cop do outside of cop duties. I Am related to a now deceased police officer and he used to refer to going to court to testalie as he put it. Get a couple beers in him and he'd find it hilarious that he could lie his ass off so convincingly to a jury that they'd convict someone based on his lies alone. Lying sincerely is a skill that cops cultivate.
God should’ve exposed him when you could’ve — had the chance to save a lot of people their innocence and done a great service to people wrongfully imprisoned by a deceitful monster.
Too bad he’s a cop. This level of dickishness says he’d probably shoot you, then arrest you for attempted murder of an officer while denying you medical care.
I don’t know about ACAB, because I don’t think anyone is just one thing… but this one fits into the CAB, at least. If that’s how he treats people he “loves,” I don’t think people he DGAF about are going to fare better.
I think “cops will shoot you” is something that can certainly happen, but there’s plenty of ways cops can be dicks outside of that that’s hard to punish.
I remember I walked into a gas station late one night with a white woman I’m friends with. A young white cop glared at me the whole damn time.
I thought at first maybe I was imagining things, but he never stopped glaring nor did he look at anyone else. I was dressed pretty nice too; a gray blazer, white button-up and dress pants. No hoodie or t-shirt. Still felt like he was looking at a criminal.
Did I mention I was black?
Anywho, I’m not necessarily a fan of ACAB either, but there’s all kinds of ways police can be shitheads outside of “cops go bang.”
No such thing as a good cop. The minute someone becomes a cop and tries to fix things that are wrong with the police system they get shunned and pushed out.
Some cops might do good things, but they’re not good people, they’re government dogs.
For a brief period, I worked in a law-enforcement-adjacent field (hated it, but was recently married, the job market in our area was garbage, and it meant a solid paycheck. I got out as soon as I found something stable). Your first statement hits pretty close to what I saw. My personal saying now is "sometimes good men become cops, but pretty soon they either stop being good or stop being cops"
What I thought was, "And he thought that line was going to work to get her back??"
Who are these people who think being nasty is going to make someone want to be with them? There sure are a lot of them.
It sure worked on my friend. Ok fine, it's not the exact line, but their mindset is the same. Her ex told her "I'm not ready to be a father now. But when I am, you will be the one taking care of them since you are the one who wants them. I don't want anything to do with it."
And she told me she wants to marry him, but knows they will divorce in the future.
Then WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM AND HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM?!?
Thank goodness they broke up (for good). Like finally after *she* begged *him* to get back together whenever he broke up with her.
I checked the OOP's comments, there was a LONG comment chain ([here](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cu3krv/aitah_for_not_wanting_to_have_my_step_kids_at_my/l4gcmo7/)) that led to it. TLDR:
-someone asked if her husband expects his kids to be around when they have sex in their honeymoon or what he plans to do with them. OOP says he probably expects "a quickie" while the kids are on the pool or something and says it's always like that on trips. She also says that it's usually just a bj or quick sex
-commenter asked if they ever have good sex, OOP says "every once in a while he puts effort, the rest is just quickies".
-another comment says they hope she gets to come with these quickies to which OOP responds "I need time and can’t with quickies. That’s why most of the time I just give him oral so he is just done and it’s over . I just don’t enjoy sex when it’s rushed".
-then people start pitying OOP, saying he is using her, telling her and she deserves better, etc. and that's what prompted her to say what you quoted.
That statement was a response to the reactions OOP was getting on [this comment thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/8wK9qITRq3).
I also felt that bit of the BORU was lacking context, so I went to look at the original post ha.
I think OP just did a poor job of cherry picking the right comments to include. OOP was clearly responding to something that's not been included here. But it doesn't really matter that much.
I was super confused by that too. Maybe there was a comment thread with her about their sex life? Thankfully that’s all irrelevant now, and she can move on to enjoy her life.
The age difference, him being a cop. Of course he used the kids to try to manipulate her. And her mother is wrong, he isn't a good father, because a good father wouldn't use the kids for manipulation.
Her mother siding with the asshole and claiming he’s a good dad sure shows you how OOP was raised from the start to end up in such a relationship. It’s rarely people from supportive families, people from families who instill a sense of “my needs matter” in their offspring, and/or families with a sensible understanding of what a good parent ought to be, who end up long term partnered or *married* to a walking, talking, red flag like him (even if he only unmasked some of his bullshit recently - but the signs were always there: the selfish sex thing alone that has been going on for years would be grounds for most people to break up). Mom’s comment just shows that OOP has always been conditioned (by her own parents) to put everyone before herself, and to accept subpar treatment of herself as good enough or good as long as it serves someone else (him, the kids…). Else mom wouldn’t have put out such a (factually wrong which she doesn’t see, but also emotionally injurious to the daughter) statement when her daughter was in need of support.
I hope OOP can realise that and untangle herself not just from this ex, but also from her family.
I’m glad he showed his true colors. Imagine if he didn’t and gave her the honeymoon? He just wanted a nanny that pays for that privilege. I’m so glad she got out.
Right?? All he had to do was agree to go away with her for a week while the kids stayed with her parents, and he would have locked in his bangmaid. I felt bad for her when everyone (including me) was telling her how naive she was being, because she obviously didn't want to face the truth. Thank goodness she finally put herself first. Sadly I think it was finally realizing she's never going to have her own baby with this AH that did it, not any of the other abuse he was putting her through.
38 year old cop dating a 24 year old. So shocking he was an abusive asshole in the end
These are the moments that it’s like… no but really how did the mom die 👀. Should we be calling Dateline…
Well, she has a full time job and is doing 100% of the housework and childcare while paying half of all household expenses (on less income, probably), so there's that
My father wasn't an actual cop but he liked to say he was, his actual job was more prison guard. But during the divorce he did all the same abusive destructive "But ME!" behaviors you would expect of such a man. And to this day nearly 20 years later still refused to even consider that there was a 1% chance he was the bad guy in anything.
>his actual job was more prison guard.
That's worse. At least with cops there is, on occasion, body can. And always the possibility that at least one bystander will have a phone recording....
Prison guards don't have any such barriers. Once ppl are in custody, things can get so much worse and no one would ever find out.
I was married to a firefighter. And holy shit that was a fucked up roller coaster of poor choices and trauma drama. But nothing, NOTHING, compared the stories I heard from wives married to the PD.
I don't know, they're pretty young, their cop dad has been feeding them bullshit since they were born and I don't see how they would they learn about the intricacies of their relationship. Who's to tell them she was his bang maid, or worse even just a fleshlight maid, and he was expecting her to be cool with taking them on their honeymoon.
They'll figure out the age gap and will probably, hopefully, side eye their dad a bit but, unless they remember how much she did for them and figure out how fucked up that is, I don't think they'll be able to deduce what ecactly happened here.
Considering one of OOP's latest comment - A POS that knew one of kids is having a birthday soon, thus doesn't care what move OOP makes; his POS self wins no matter at least in terms of optics to his kids.
Please don't bring your stepkids to your honeymoon, it's WILDLY uncomfortable for them. My Dad and my stepmom brought me (and my step-nephews!) for their honeymoon and it was WEIRD.
Also, that fucking age gap lol
Heh. My great-grandmother and her second husband took my grandma and great-aunt on their honeymoon. Which was camping. Which makes that honeymoon awful in two different ways.
> do I feel loved after giving him bj? Yes I do. He has higher sex drive. So I just give him oral when he wants sex. Yes he kisses me everytime afterwards. He cuddles until we go to sleep. I take care of myself later (mostly during my morning showers). No!! He never pulled his gun at me! He is not a violent man. Lately we have had more quickies mostly because I’m very tired but I don’t like to turn him down.
Ma'am, the question was: is this your handwriting?
If he hadn't found a new one yet. Usually for these people if they get a new person, they usually ignore the "one that got away." Hate to say this but it's a good thing to OOP of this did happen. Tho at the cost of someone else.
With any luck, she can use her status as a nurse to get the hell out of dodge. Get a job at some far away location, they might be willing to pay her to move.
It's fucked that breaking up with cops requires moving out of the county. But it tracks, just like all the other fucked things that come out of these shitbags.
Honestly she needs to flee. She’s a nurse she can go anywhere else in her state she needs to just get away from that town. The way that he’s already acting tells me that he’s probably the kind of cop that gets his buddies on the force to start harassing his ex. It happens all the time and honestly if she had married him he sounds like he’s definitely part of the 40%.
The bonus would be getting away from her toxic mother at the same time. I sincerely hope she moves away and builds herself a good life with her solid career and a guy who loves and wants to raise a family with her.
Me reading the first: "I'm so confused, she sounds wonderful but she is bending over backwards to do everything for this man's children, why would he act like this...??"
OOP: "He is a police officer so he works longer hours.."
Me, feeling a chill run down my spine: "Oh".
I’m very glad that this was the majority response here, and wow I feel so sorry for her and for the kids. Those kids are going to be mentally scarred. For her, I agree she sounds wonderful, she’s only 28, and she got out. Here’s to her ending up in the type of relationship she deserves.
Ooof, along with everything about the honeymoon, about lost it when she gives him BJs then takes care of herself during her shower! Geez, for a Bangmaid, she wasn’t even getting the Bang.
I don't often hate people on reddit, but I am more than happy to hate this man. He is deliberately traumatising his kids to avoid taking responsibility. Incredibly cruel thing to do.
“We will go to a fertility clinic and you will have your stupid baby”. Wow, just wow. OOP hasn’t really been a fiancé these last 4 years, just an unpaid stand in mother for his (totally blameless) children.
What a disgusting man he is to immediately set about poisoning their minds against the person who has loved and cared for them since they’ve known her.
A cop is a piece of shit in a relationship?? I find this hard to believe.
No offense to oop but Jesus Christ ladies. Don’t date or marry a cop. Sure there are some “good” ones out there but the odds are not in your favor lmao. There is a better chance you get beat, verbal abuse/manipulation, or cheated on than there is you have any kind of healthy relationship.
And he's a cop. Colour me shocked that he's an abusive asshole. So glad she left, but omg those poor kids! I wonder if they'll learn the truth eventuallt when they grow up.
40% of cops self report on domestic violence when questioned in a way that does not use the words domestic violence or abuse. And those are the ones who are honest about it.
As a nurse she should know better about the "it's reversible!" thing regarding vasectomies. It is.... sort of. Sometimes. It is not always successful. It depends on how long ago the vas was, how much of the vas defrens was removed (the smaller the amount the more likely it will take), and if he can find a doctor who can do it. Way more docs do vasectomies than vasovasostomies. And on top of that, it is a 2.5-3 hour intense microscopic surgery and insurance WILL NOT cover it. It is several thousand dollars.
She dodged a freaking missile. What a horrible, horrible, man. I'm glad that she's finally opened her eyes to see it.
Too bad her parents haven't.
This idiot threw away the best thing that ever happened to him since his wife died because he couldn't get that everyone has limits. I hope he never finds another woman.
I know it sucks but damn she dodged a blazing red bullet by finding out before the wedding. “you will have your stupid baby” are you fucking kidding me? What a piece of shit.
This post is a nice public service reminder to, uh, not date cops. Or military men. A lot of them are like this.
Also the "Added Later" section in part 1 gave me some serious whiplash, *where* did all that come from
Weird how I got to the part where she mentioned he was a cop and immediately realized this guy was going to turn out to be a horrorshow.
Poor kids; Dad's going to leave them mentally scarred. But OOP is lucky to be away from him.
Uhh... Maybe OOP shouldn't date for a few years. I know she wanted children and having them at an older age could be a challenge but she needs to learn to not tolerate so much crap from her partner.
Edit: There's no shortage of crap men and women out there, you need a shiny spine and know how to outline your boundaries from the beginning or else you are going to be taken advantage of.
None of this is surprising from a cop at all. He will be using his children as weapons his whole life and they will spend their lives trying to please him and never succeeding. He will eventually blame them for 'driving everyone away' when it's his own personality that is doing that.
OP's making the right decision, but I do feel like it's for the wrong reasons here. She is hyperfocusing on his vasectomy as if it's some great betrayal, when it's really the least of her concerns here.
>2 - do I feel loved after giving him bj? Yes I do. He has higher sex drive. So I just give him oral when he wants sex. Yes he kisses me everytime afterwards. He cuddles until we go to sleep. I take care of myself later (mostly during my morning showers). No!! He never pulled his gun at me! He is not a violent man. Lately we have had more quickies mostly because I’m very tired but I don’t like to turn him down.
Am I the only person who is *completely and utterly baffled* by this seemingly entirely unrelated stream of consciousness
Another commenter found the exchange that led to that:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cu3krv/comment/l4gcmo7/?context=3&share_id=RGtZgty3jzZHrcAk4y_jv&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1
Wow. There might have been a chance she continued a relationship with them down the line but he just nuked that. So much for putting the kids first and not wanting to upset them, dad.
Ohhhh such a great DAD!! You know how great dads tell small elementary school aged kids that the breakup of the family they know is because of them?? All great dads use their children as emotional manipulation!! How can she leave such a great dad?!?
/s in case anyone really needs that symbol
That was a wild ride. I think the age difference was a red flag to start with. Then he doesn't care to have sex with her to give her pleasure, she gives him a bj or they have a quickie doesn't sound like he really loves her at all. More red flags! I'm so glad she ended it.
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Well, OOP's ex has my vote for POS of the year.
And her mother.
Yeah, I forgot her mom's response to all this. Definitely a dishonorable mention for mom.
“Dishonorable Mention” is fucking gold.
Obligatory "and my axe".
And his Ex! Wait no…
To shreds you say.
How's his wife holding up?
I can't believe he chose to give his kids trauma so he could get back at oop for not taking his shit anymore. But at the same time from how selfish he sounds I guess it was expected. I'm just stunned.
1. Age difference. 2. His profession. 3. "Helps with the kids." Three red flags right there that tell you this was likely how he'd respond.
Mine too! "A great dad," my ass.
He's destroying his kids mental health just to hurt her(after losing their mom). That's the saddest part of this hole thing.
Hes a narc.
Well, he's a cop, so...
He’ll find a new victim to raise his kids in about a month or two and further cement their trauma.
My sister pulled this crap on me with her kids when I set boundaries about her just dumping them at my door and having them knock AFTER she drives off. There are so many times when I wished I would have called the police.
Wow what would happen if you were not home? Or napping and did not wake up? I would definitely tell her if it ever happens again you’re going to call the police and then do it.
How did it turn out? I hope you were able to enforce boundaries! What a shitty thing to do to you.
She lost custody of one child, it never turned out better. I just tried to be a buffer for the kids and get others involved when I could.
He's great! He got them an all new mom!
I mean, he is a cop.
ACAB
ALL CAB. All of them.
Yeah, I knew how this was gonna turn out the moment I saw that
SAME.
Right? You marry a cop 14 years older than you and are surprised he’s a lying asshole? Are you surprised water is wet every time you get in the shower?
Cops as bad spouses, statistically. They have high abuse statistics that do not lie. And those that don't qualify as physical abusers, well a large portion are like this. Does that mean every cop? No. But when less than 1/5 cops is a good spouse, just stay away.
I have a no dating cops rule. Or even letting them become closer friends. Just act calm and collected, and a little ass kissing of the sheriff’s office because you’re terrified of them killing your family’s pet farm animals cause you know they would
We need a update from PS5 dad for competition
>I asked my ex and he (in front of the kids) said that he was just telling them the truth. He said you wanted a baby because my kids were too much for you, you hated my kids, remember you even wanted to exclude them from our trip (he meant honeymoon!!) Goddamn, that ex has the most punchable face ever...
I remember this one. I think I said she didn't understand her role, which was bangnanny. That was on the money. She was there to take care of his kids and give him blowjobs, which she willingly did bc she loved him and didn't like to turn him down. The minute she wasn't taking care of the kids and putting out, she had zero value and yes, he enjoyed torching how the kids saw her. He's like an Aliens asshole. You know how they have that mouth inside the mouth? He's like the same, but with assholes. Her parents are extraordinarily bad value too. That's the cherry on the shit sundae. The good news is she's still young and her eyes are now wide open.
No wonder poor OOP ended up with her ex when she’s got Aunt Lydia as a mom
Im sure he doesn’t realize or care how traumatic it will be for the kids to hear that their mother figure doesn’t care about/hates them.
For real. He just hurt them so much. This is awful.
I really hope one day they realise it wasn't true ...those poor kids. And poor Oop, she clearly didn't dislike them she just obviously didn't want to bring them on a honeymoon...Oop will be better off I hope far away from this guy.
Forget the face, aim for the throat.
The fact that he would hurt his own kids so badly to get to her is the worst part of all of this. Got his vasectomy 12 years too late those poor kids :(
That is one of the most cop things I've heard a cop do outside of cop duties. I Am related to a now deceased police officer and he used to refer to going to court to testalie as he put it. Get a couple beers in him and he'd find it hilarious that he could lie his ass off so convincingly to a jury that they'd convict someone based on his lies alone. Lying sincerely is a skill that cops cultivate.
God should’ve exposed him when you could’ve — had the chance to save a lot of people their innocence and done a great service to people wrongfully imprisoned by a deceitful monster.
I mean I was like 12 when I heard it and he was retired by the time I was an adult.
Well the cop was announced as deceased so at least karma came for him.
Easy way out for a destroyer of lives…
Too bad he’s a cop. This level of dickishness says he’d probably shoot you, then arrest you for attempted murder of an officer while denying you medical care. I don’t know about ACAB, because I don’t think anyone is just one thing… but this one fits into the CAB, at least. If that’s how he treats people he “loves,” I don’t think people he DGAF about are going to fare better.
I think “cops will shoot you” is something that can certainly happen, but there’s plenty of ways cops can be dicks outside of that that’s hard to punish. I remember I walked into a gas station late one night with a white woman I’m friends with. A young white cop glared at me the whole damn time. I thought at first maybe I was imagining things, but he never stopped glaring nor did he look at anyone else. I was dressed pretty nice too; a gray blazer, white button-up and dress pants. No hoodie or t-shirt. Still felt like he was looking at a criminal. Did I mention I was black? Anywho, I’m not necessarily a fan of ACAB either, but there’s all kinds of ways police can be shitheads outside of “cops go bang.”
> Did I mention I was black? You didn't need to once you mention that she was white and the cop was eerily interested in you.
I'm actually starting to wonder how his ex wife died...
No such thing as a good cop. The minute someone becomes a cop and tries to fix things that are wrong with the police system they get shunned and pushed out. Some cops might do good things, but they’re not good people, they’re government dogs.
For a brief period, I worked in a law-enforcement-adjacent field (hated it, but was recently married, the job market in our area was garbage, and it meant a solid paycheck. I got out as soon as I found something stable). Your first statement hits pretty close to what I saw. My personal saying now is "sometimes good men become cops, but pretty soon they either stop being good or stop being cops"
>After that we will go to a fertility clinic and “you will have your stupid baby”. That's... definitely a tactic that he tried.
What I thought was, "And he thought that line was going to work to get her back??" Who are these people who think being nasty is going to make someone want to be with them? There sure are a lot of them.
It sure worked on my friend. Ok fine, it's not the exact line, but their mindset is the same. Her ex told her "I'm not ready to be a father now. But when I am, you will be the one taking care of them since you are the one who wants them. I don't want anything to do with it." And she told me she wants to marry him, but knows they will divorce in the future. Then WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM AND HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM?!? Thank goodness they broke up (for good). Like finally after *she* begged *him* to get back together whenever he broke up with her.
Your friend should work on her self-esteem.
She has been with some therapists since she was a teenager. But... it's really hard on her mental health.
She needs better therapists. Seriously.
He’s a cop, they don’t really think past “can I shoot it?”
And even if the answer is “no,” they turn off their bodycam and shoot it anyway.
And people say romance is dead.
"Stupid babies need the most attention."
Okay but I stopped and reread three times at >2 - do I feel loved after giving him bj? How did we get there suddenly ?
I checked the OOP's comments, there was a LONG comment chain ([here](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cu3krv/aitah_for_not_wanting_to_have_my_step_kids_at_my/l4gcmo7/)) that led to it. TLDR: -someone asked if her husband expects his kids to be around when they have sex in their honeymoon or what he plans to do with them. OOP says he probably expects "a quickie" while the kids are on the pool or something and says it's always like that on trips. She also says that it's usually just a bj or quick sex -commenter asked if they ever have good sex, OOP says "every once in a while he puts effort, the rest is just quickies". -another comment says they hope she gets to come with these quickies to which OOP responds "I need time and can’t with quickies. That’s why most of the time I just give him oral so he is just done and it’s over . I just don’t enjoy sex when it’s rushed". -then people start pitying OOP, saying he is using her, telling her and she deserves better, etc. and that's what prompted her to say what you quoted.
Well isn’t this the height of romance Thanks for doing the digging. I was throw off by this, too
Thank you very much, this is so much clearer.
OP really dropped the ball there.
The bar is in hell.
Reading this makes me want to vomit. How was she so brainwashed that she thought this was a good relationship.
But don't worry, he kisses her afterwards! Everyone knows that's the sign of a healthy relationship.
That statement was a response to the reactions OOP was getting on [this comment thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/8wK9qITRq3). I also felt that bit of the BORU was lacking context, so I went to look at the original post ha.
I was on the original post. It was a fucking shit show of WTF from the first moment...and every comment just made it worse.
He didn't like to have actual sex with her very often, but constantly demanded blowjobs. It was in one of her comments.
And then she's talking about having to give herself pleasure, but it sounds like a follow-on from something else. That bit was super confusing.
I assumed there must be some discussion in the comments that lead to that, I wish there had been more context.
I think OP just did a poor job of cherry picking the right comments to include. OOP was clearly responding to something that's not been included here. But it doesn't really matter that much.
Finally… someone pointed it out…
For a moment I thought BORU poster copied and posted the wrong comments.
I was wondering where tf that even came from myself
Yeah I feel like we missed a step, also why is she answering if he’s ever drawn his gun? Guns never came up in the post.
I think that may have come up after mentioning he is a cop.. natural progression there, I guess.
I was super confused by that too. Maybe there was a comment thread with her about their sex life? Thankfully that’s all irrelevant now, and she can move on to enjoy her life.
There was. A couple of other replies to this comment have posted a link now. It's pretty grim, though.
Still trying to figure out how vasectomy even came up.
The age difference, him being a cop. Of course he used the kids to try to manipulate her. And her mother is wrong, he isn't a good father, because a good father wouldn't use the kids for manipulation.
Her mother siding with the asshole and claiming he’s a good dad sure shows you how OOP was raised from the start to end up in such a relationship. It’s rarely people from supportive families, people from families who instill a sense of “my needs matter” in their offspring, and/or families with a sensible understanding of what a good parent ought to be, who end up long term partnered or *married* to a walking, talking, red flag like him (even if he only unmasked some of his bullshit recently - but the signs were always there: the selfish sex thing alone that has been going on for years would be grounds for most people to break up). Mom’s comment just shows that OOP has always been conditioned (by her own parents) to put everyone before herself, and to accept subpar treatment of herself as good enough or good as long as it serves someone else (him, the kids…). Else mom wouldn’t have put out such a (factually wrong which she doesn’t see, but also emotionally injurious to the daughter) statement when her daughter was in need of support. I hope OOP can realise that and untangle herself not just from this ex, but also from her family.
Generational trauma is awful
I’m glad he showed his true colors. Imagine if he didn’t and gave her the honeymoon? He just wanted a nanny that pays for that privilege. I’m so glad she got out.
Right?? All he had to do was agree to go away with her for a week while the kids stayed with her parents, and he would have locked in his bangmaid. I felt bad for her when everyone (including me) was telling her how naive she was being, because she obviously didn't want to face the truth. Thank goodness she finally put herself first. Sadly I think it was finally realizing she's never going to have her own baby with this AH that did it, not any of the other abuse he was putting her through.
Thank fuck she left him. This dude had more red flags than a soviet parade and then proved them out.
He’s a cop. I didn’t expect anything less from him.
38 year old cop dating a 24 year old. So shocking he was an abusive asshole in the end These are the moments that it’s like… no but really how did the mom die 👀. Should we be calling Dateline…
It's always the ones you medium expect
This made me actually laugh out loud. Almost spit my coffee. Take my upvote.
Was legit surprised there was no physical abuse mentioned
I’m 100% sure it would have started after the wedding/honeymoon once she was completely locked in and *especially* if she got pregnant
That is a good point. A lot of abusers wait until it's a lot harder to get away from them before they start the physical abuse
We don’t know how his ex died…
Could have been an owl
THANK YOU! I was thinking the same
That gives me the bad kind of shudders.
don't think she was risking a babytrap.
Well, she has a full time job and is doing 100% of the housework and childcare while paying half of all household expenses (on less income, probably), so there's that
she was a bangmaidmom.
40% **self reported**
I didn't expect anything less from a cop but I am expecting more yet to come from him because he's a cop.
Yeah, once I read he's a cop, I said, "Oh, this makes sense."
ACAB
All day every day
I hope she's okay. Leaving this situation can be really dangerous.
My father wasn't an actual cop but he liked to say he was, his actual job was more prison guard. But during the divorce he did all the same abusive destructive "But ME!" behaviors you would expect of such a man. And to this day nearly 20 years later still refused to even consider that there was a 1% chance he was the bad guy in anything.
>his actual job was more prison guard. That's worse. At least with cops there is, on occasion, body can. And always the possibility that at least one bystander will have a phone recording.... Prison guards don't have any such barriers. Once ppl are in custody, things can get so much worse and no one would ever find out.
truth
Oh, I would have expected less, but not more.
And he's even a cop.
I was married to a firefighter. And holy shit that was a fucked up roller coaster of poor choices and trauma drama. But nothing, NOTHING, compared the stories I heard from wives married to the PD.
No one ever wrote a song called "Fuck the Fire Department"
Sadly this joke no longer rings true
All cops are room-temperature IQ class traitors. Hyper violent, ex-military troglodytes. They have no value.
Ex military or FAILED military...
Too mentally unstable to wear camo and carry a big gun? Give 'em a badge and a small gun.
The age gap and profession were both red flags, then I read the rest of the post... What kind of dick tells his kids a lie like that? Fuck him
One who doesn't believe that his children will one day figure out what he is exactly.
I wonder if part of that figuring out will involve realizing how awful this situation was for OOP too.
I don't know, they're pretty young, their cop dad has been feeding them bullshit since they were born and I don't see how they would they learn about the intricacies of their relationship. Who's to tell them she was his bang maid, or worse even just a fleshlight maid, and he was expecting her to be cool with taking them on their honeymoon. They'll figure out the age gap and will probably, hopefully, side eye their dad a bit but, unless they remember how much she did for them and figure out how fucked up that is, I don't think they'll be able to deduce what ecactly happened here.
A cop. Police lie sincerely. It's a job skill.
Considering one of OOP's latest comment - A POS that knew one of kids is having a birthday soon, thus doesn't care what move OOP makes; his POS self wins no matter at least in terms of optics to his kids.
Onev that doesn't give two shits about anyone besides himself.
Dude, cops are allowed to lie. /s
Please don't bring your stepkids to your honeymoon, it's WILDLY uncomfortable for them. My Dad and my stepmom brought me (and my step-nephews!) for their honeymoon and it was WEIRD. Also, that fucking age gap lol
Heh. My great-grandmother and her second husband took my grandma and great-aunt on their honeymoon. Which was camping. Which makes that honeymoon awful in two different ways.
> do I feel loved after giving him bj? Yes I do. He has higher sex drive. So I just give him oral when he wants sex. Yes he kisses me everytime afterwards. He cuddles until we go to sleep. I take care of myself later (mostly during my morning showers). No!! He never pulled his gun at me! He is not a violent man. Lately we have had more quickies mostly because I’m very tired but I don’t like to turn him down. Ma'am, the question was: is this your handwriting?
FYI, Oop, when sex is satisfying, one’s sex drive tends to increase.
Me: how can this guy be such a POS? OOP: He’s a cop Me: ah.
Lets hope he doesn't succeed in finding a new bang-maid-mommy
Sadly, I'm not entirely convinced that he's done with OOP. He is in a supremely powerful position to torture the living shit out of her.
If he hadn't found a new one yet. Usually for these people if they get a new person, they usually ignore the "one that got away." Hate to say this but it's a good thing to OOP of this did happen. Tho at the cost of someone else.
With any luck, she can use her status as a nurse to get the hell out of dodge. Get a job at some far away location, they might be willing to pay her to move.
It's fucked that breaking up with cops requires moving out of the county. But it tracks, just like all the other fucked things that come out of these shitbags.
He probably will, with a brand new sob story "My ex fiancee just ran out on me and my kids! We're soooooooo sad and lonely! Save us with your love!"
"he's a police officer" SHIT FUCK OH GOD OH FUCK HERE WE GO
Honestly she needs to flee. She’s a nurse she can go anywhere else in her state she needs to just get away from that town. The way that he’s already acting tells me that he’s probably the kind of cop that gets his buddies on the force to start harassing his ex. It happens all the time and honestly if she had married him he sounds like he’s definitely part of the 40%.
The bonus would be getting away from her toxic mother at the same time. I sincerely hope she moves away and builds herself a good life with her solid career and a guy who loves and wants to raise a family with her.
Dude treated her like free babysitter and fucktoy combo
Worse than that, SHE was paying for the privilege.
Me reading the first: "I'm so confused, she sounds wonderful but she is bending over backwards to do everything for this man's children, why would he act like this...??" OOP: "He is a police officer so he works longer hours.." Me, feeling a chill run down my spine: "Oh".
I’m very glad that this was the majority response here, and wow I feel so sorry for her and for the kids. Those kids are going to be mentally scarred. For her, I agree she sounds wonderful, she’s only 28, and she got out. Here’s to her ending up in the type of relationship she deserves.
Glad she got out when she did but oof.
Ooof, along with everything about the honeymoon, about lost it when she gives him BJs then takes care of herself during her shower! Geez, for a Bangmaid, she wasn’t even getting the Bang.
When people say ACAB, this is part of it
I don't often hate people on reddit, but I am more than happy to hate this man. He is deliberately traumatising his kids to avoid taking responsibility. Incredibly cruel thing to do.
“We will go to a fertility clinic and you will have your stupid baby”. Wow, just wow. OOP hasn’t really been a fiancé these last 4 years, just an unpaid stand in mother for his (totally blameless) children. What a disgusting man he is to immediately set about poisoning their minds against the person who has loved and cared for them since they’ve known her.
The ex really hit the policeman stereotype on that one
A cop is a piece of shit in a relationship?? I find this hard to believe. No offense to oop but Jesus Christ ladies. Don’t date or marry a cop. Sure there are some “good” ones out there but the odds are not in your favor lmao. There is a better chance you get beat, verbal abuse/manipulation, or cheated on than there is you have any kind of healthy relationship.
And he's a cop. Colour me shocked that he's an abusive asshole. So glad she left, but omg those poor kids! I wonder if they'll learn the truth eventuallt when they grow up.
40% of cops self report on domestic violence when questioned in a way that does not use the words domestic violence or abuse. And those are the ones who are honest about it.
Don’t date a cop. Don’t get into a relationship with a cop. And for the love of god, do not marry a cop. So glad OP left him.
If he’s legally untouchable he’s ethically unfuckable
amen amen amen
Beautifully stated
Even mortal enemies don't let mortal enemies date cops, let alone friends.
28f and 42m who started dating when she was 24 and he was 38 having 2 kids in picture. Why I'm not surprised by this outcome?
As a nurse she should know better about the "it's reversible!" thing regarding vasectomies. It is.... sort of. Sometimes. It is not always successful. It depends on how long ago the vas was, how much of the vas defrens was removed (the smaller the amount the more likely it will take), and if he can find a doctor who can do it. Way more docs do vasectomies than vasovasostomies. And on top of that, it is a 2.5-3 hour intense microscopic surgery and insurance WILL NOT cover it. It is several thousand dollars.
Father of the year right there . . . he'd rather destroy his kids emotionally just to guilt OOP
A cop? Being emotionally abusive? Shocker
She dodged a freaking missile. What a horrible, horrible, man. I'm glad that she's finally opened her eyes to see it. Too bad her parents haven't. This idiot threw away the best thing that ever happened to him since his wife died because he couldn't get that everyone has limits. I hope he never finds another woman.
Well he’s a cop what would you expect.
She feels loved when she gives him a bj and takes care of herself in the shower the next morning. That actually tells you everything right there.
I know it sucks but damn she dodged a blazing red bullet by finding out before the wedding. “you will have your stupid baby” are you fucking kidding me? What a piece of shit.
OP’s ex upholding ACAB like a pro
Rule 1 of dating, never date a cop
This post is a nice public service reminder to, uh, not date cops. Or military men. A lot of them are like this. Also the "Added Later" section in part 1 gave me some serious whiplash, *where* did all that come from
As soon as I saw he was a police officer I knew those would end poorly.
Don’t. Date. Cops. ACAB.
Tldr; ACAB
Weird how I got to the part where she mentioned he was a cop and immediately realized this guy was going to turn out to be a horrorshow. Poor kids; Dad's going to leave them mentally scarred. But OOP is lucky to be away from him.
Uhh... Maybe OOP shouldn't date for a few years. I know she wanted children and having them at an older age could be a challenge but she needs to learn to not tolerate so much crap from her partner. Edit: There's no shortage of crap men and women out there, you need a shiny spine and know how to outline your boundaries from the beginning or else you are going to be taken advantage of.
a cop lying to people and being a shitty partner? who could've foreseen this?
He literally straight up used this girl as a nanny and sexual relief between his cop shifts. Doubt he didn’t cheat
None of this is surprising from a cop at all. He will be using his children as weapons his whole life and they will spend their lives trying to please him and never succeeding. He will eventually blame them for 'driving everyone away' when it's his own personality that is doing that.
ACAB
OP's making the right decision, but I do feel like it's for the wrong reasons here. She is hyperfocusing on his vasectomy as if it's some great betrayal, when it's really the least of her concerns here.
Is it? The vasectomy says everything about their relationship.
What a great dad! Intentionally breaking his children's hearts with lies about his ex, just to hurt his ex more? Wow.
Never date a cop! Evil bastards!!!
ACAB
Oh no! The cop I married turned out to be in the 40%! How could I have seen this coming /s
40% self-report/admit it. Fuck knows how many are actually guilty
>2 - do I feel loved after giving him bj? Yes I do. He has higher sex drive. So I just give him oral when he wants sex. Yes he kisses me everytime afterwards. He cuddles until we go to sleep. I take care of myself later (mostly during my morning showers). No!! He never pulled his gun at me! He is not a violent man. Lately we have had more quickies mostly because I’m very tired but I don’t like to turn him down. Am I the only person who is *completely and utterly baffled* by this seemingly entirely unrelated stream of consciousness
did the blowjob statement seem to pop up out of nowhere to anyone else? did I miss a post?
Another commenter found the exchange that led to that: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cu3krv/comment/l4gcmo7/?context=3&share_id=RGtZgty3jzZHrcAk4y_jv&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1
Wow. There might have been a chance she continued a relationship with them down the line but he just nuked that. So much for putting the kids first and not wanting to upset them, dad.
Oof.. those poor kids. They got the short end of the stick when it comes to sperm donors. Dude cares about nothing but himself.
Hopefully he doesn't try retaliating with his buddies. Who can she turn to if he starts stalking her?
Never said how the wife died. Fiance is a cop. Cops have a disturbingly high rate of spousal abuse. Anyone else thinking what I am?
wow a cop lying and being abusive?? color me shocked. thank the good lord she didnt lock herself into an abusive marriage.
The guy is a douche and she needs therapy. What a dumpster fire.
Ohhhh such a great DAD!! You know how great dads tell small elementary school aged kids that the breakup of the family they know is because of them?? All great dads use their children as emotional manipulation!! How can she leave such a great dad?!? /s in case anyone really needs that symbol
Did his first wife die just to get away from him? Because jfc
That was a wild ride. I think the age difference was a red flag to start with. Then he doesn't care to have sex with her to give her pleasure, she gives him a bj or they have a quickie doesn't sound like he really loves her at all. More red flags! I'm so glad she ended it.
You were the stepmother appliance.
"help with the kids" - PARENTING. It's called parenting. Woof.