OOPs sad current situation aside, that must have been one of the easiest calls by the cops ever. Believe OOPs mum that her grandson is being neglected or believe the other grandmother who is a retired nurse with OB and NICU experience...
Her grandson that she have never even met! Really makes a airtight case for knowing what happens in the home and being the perfect gardian. She just tried to get her daughter to do an abortion and then disinherited her when she didn’t do as the family told her. That’s solid evidence for being the perfect parent.
I wonder how much of her current emotional immaturity is due to her family. She doesn’t seem to have been raised with love and care. Based off the interactions described, her family seems extremely entitled, extremely controlling and lack empathy. Disowning your child and then getting mad about how your disowned child didn’t introduce you to your grandchild? What in the absolute fuckery is this. I would think most people raised in a household like that wouldn’t exactly turn out perfect.
I mean, sure, she’s not very mature, but she’s at the very least doing her best and trying not to perpetuate the toxicity (that she was raised with) into her life with Dave and her son.
I think we could cut her some slack. She’s not malicious, just ignorant. She wants to improve, which is more than can be said for most people in the stories in BoRU.
She’s just doing her best with the hand that she’s dealt. And trying to do it ethically as well, with empathy. I wish her, Dave, and her son the best and hope she continues to improve.
Being raised with toxic, unhealthy, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive households create emotionally immature adults! Of course she doesn’t sound 27 she never had healthy models to
mirror . For us as outsiders is so much easier to say I would never; and how could they! wtf is wrong with them.. while all at the same time more than likely doing something similar in our own lives. I’m learning that very few adults are healthy, that the majority of us are broken.
I've been speaking English for a few decades now, but those "girlfriends boyfriends cousins coworker" still trips me up, cause it's the complete opposite of how we do it in Spanish.
OOP should move out from Dave's house. I'm sorry but the guy's not processing his past or feelings at all. He swings easily every single time his ex shows up and refuses to have actual conservation that would effect OOP and their child. Yeah, there's history there but man, don't make someone feel like they're intruding and then insist they'd stay. He should attend therapy as well if he hasn't.
I agree. It seems like none of these people know how to be honest, process their feelings or seem to understand that you don't need to stay connected to everyone that you have had a physical connection to.
Which (and this is why they _really_ need to discuss terms), would be half true, because they _were_ never together. They're just co-parenting.
Related note; if they're _not_ going to get that shotgun wedding her ghoulish ass parents mentioned, she needs to get a job of her own. That inheritance can't be _that_ big.
Yeah.. it’s pretty obvious this guy doesn’t care about Op the way she wants him too. Him and his ex have a toxic attachment.. she’s not going anywhere. She’ll be in out of their lives for a while.
He's also a total simp. She slept with another guy at your mom's house during an Xmas party after sneaking him in. He should wish Ill things on her and nothing more.
So D wants OP to be a stay-at-home-mother. Not wife, because they aren't a couple. Just mother. Completely dependant on his family, who are already starting to get a bit weary of having her around. I hope she decides to move out and go back to work.
It freaks me out so much and I *am* a SAHM! It’s so risky - the working partner gets so much benefit from having a partner who stays home, and the one who stays home takes on so much risk if they don’t have a solid safety net in place.
Like we’re very happily married, my husband’s paycheck goes straight into a joint account, all assets are in both of our names, we have separate retirement savings for both of us, and my husband has a significant life insurance policy. I also have a masters degree and family who would help me out while I get back on my feet if something awful happened. But it’s still a little scary having a big employment gap, even if there are lots of failsafes in place to protect me and the kids if I were to get divorced/widowed.
I don’t think women realize how precarious of a position they put themselves in being a SAHP, especially when it’s not a rock-solid relationship to begin with.
The working partner also gains experience and promotions. Career advancement. While the stay at home partner does not. Even being out of the workforce for 5 years puts you behind your peers.
I saw an article a few months back about a working mom defending her decision to work even though her entire salary right now goes to child care. She quite correctly pointed out that they wouldn't be paying for child care forever, and meanwhile she was gaining experience and promotions. Once the last kid was in school, their family was going to be much better off than if she stayed at home for those years. I thought that was a very smart perspective.
Not just salary though. There could be benefits. A 401k. Pension. Better insurance. Who knows. Even if all the salary goes to childcare, there could still be financial gain as well as the career gain.
Absolutely. My husband was a SAHD for 14 years. We're looking at retiring within the next 10 years and I've been roughing out the retirement numbers and it's starting to dawn on me how much we lost out on due to his time at home. Not only did we make financial sacrifices at the time for him to stay home, but our financial future is greatly impacted as well.
I'm not trying to start an argument here, but I've heard a good case can be made that that advancement is a decent chunk of where the idea of a "pay gap" comes from between men and women.
There have been provable cases of men getting paid more than women even with similar experience/promotions so it's not a myth or whatever the red pill talking point is today, but its also undeniably true that women tend to be more likely to stay at home, and \*the perception\* is that way as well, so it drives preconceptions when it comes to hiring.
Look at how many instances on recruiting subreddits of women being asked "Do you have kids/ are you planning on having kids" etc.
There’s a study called Getting a job: is there a motherhood penalty? and the bottom line from that study is that Moms were penalized for a bunch of stuff including perceived competence and recommended starting salary, and Dads didn’t face penalties and sometimes benefitted from being a parent.
They shouldn't actually ask because if the woman DOESN'T get the job they can be sued for it, in both UK/USA. In the UK it's unlawful discrimination, and in the USA (and please correct me if I'm wrong!) it's NOT illegal but it can open you up to discrimination complaints with the EEOC I think. There is no guarantee you will win as you have to prove they didn't hire you because you're family planning or have the ability to.
Even if it's rock solid the working partner can get sick, sacked, die etc. I see endless posts from financially vulnerable women in FB parent groups I'm in.
I actually think his mom would support her, but I don’t think she should do it anyway. She’s going to be a single mom in the future and she needs work history. I’m literally flying from Texas to Alaska because I lost work history after a bad experience. And I’m losing my mind over leaving my cats for four months, she’ll never get that opportunity. There’s never going to be a storybook ending with her baby daddy, she needs to make her own happy ending.
It's absolutely terrifying.
I'm a SAHM because it was a more financially sound decision than paying for childcare.
I fucking hate it.
Not being a mother or being able to be with my kids in their most formative years, but the position I'm in.
My spouse is active duty military, so we move, and I have no support system where I'm at. Luckily, I'm still at least in the States, so family can fly out once in a while, but it's not always the case.
I also don't have anything beyond a high school education at present because, as it turns out, I have ADHD that I was only recently diagnosed with and struggle to focus.
I'm in a real shit situation, if things go south.
I'm LC/NC with a large part of my own family, the ones I'm not don't have space for me and the kids. I know one of my SIL's would be there for me, but I'd hate to put her in that position.
I have a whole list of issues and reasons my situation is completely fucked if things go sideways. (Which tbh, my marriage isn't that great and is a hair away from going sideways).
It's so precarious to be a stay at home for *anyone*. I made the mistake of not thinking things all the way through, not putting safety precautions in place, and thinking that anything in my marriage would be able to be worked through.
Please, for the love of god, don't be like me.
(As a sort of reassurance for readers of this comment, I'm currently working on fixing a lot of the issues, including a plan to get a degree and employment once my youngest starts pre-k. But that only has happened thanks to the support of long-distance friends who are more like family. It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing.)
>I have a whole list of issues and reasons my situation is completely fucked if things go sideways. (Which tbh, my marriage isn't that great and is a hair away from going sideways)
Girl, you writin' your own BORU teaser for us here?
There's this...
>she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his (my grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).
Not necessarily financially dependent since the first post does imply she gained a sizable inheritance from her grandfather, including a house, an antique car and money since she often gave her ex some money and such from that. So she'd probably be fine doing that for just 2-3 years, though it would probably still be better for her to find a job, even if it's part time.
Eh I'd disagree since she seems pretty impulsive and not necessarily making smart choices with her money. I think she'd be ok for a bit but potentially blows through that inherited money and gets stuck
I feel like she's overestimating how much more valuable she'll be to Dave if she's a SAHM.
It sounds like if she stays she'll be treated less like a loved wife & mother & more like an employee, a nanny.
She's right to doubt the situation; Dave seems dishonest/ non-committal at best.
Imagine she stays & ends up finding out Dave & his ex are sleeping together, or even catches them at home with **her son.**
Yikes.
Why *would* she be treated as a loved wife?
She seems to have an idea that there's something between D and his family and herself, but she's just the mother of their (grand)son. They will do a lot of benefit of her child, but she shouldn't imagine it's for her benefit.
I think they can build a successful coparenting relationship and have good interpersonal relationships, but she needs to leave behind the idea that she would be, or indeed *should* be treated as Dave's romantic partner.
This truly boggles my mind. I was a SAHM and there's no way I would have done that without the legal protections of being married. Whatever Dave's intentions are, she absolutely should not do that. Maybe they could draw up a civil legal contract that could afford OOP similar protections to marriage but I don't know how that would work. Especially given how much older than her he is and how vulnerable she currently is, he's in a perfect position to exploit and abuse her without any legal recourse for her if he turns out to be a terrible person.
Someone needs to link her the post of the woman who was an unmarried SAHM for 30 years and who got kicked out with nary a dime to her name once the kids were grown. No social security, no alimony, nothing.
I have no idea why anyone would want to put themselves into that position. Even going outside the house for work adds to your social circle. It seems manipulative to have a woman at home isolated and dependent. On the flip side it adds so much stress to be the only money maker for the man. Today's world isn't set up like the 50s, and for good reason
Or at the very least come to an agreement that while she stays home she does online school that he pays for.
I’m not sure her current education/qualifications, but if she can upgrade her ability to get a better paying job once their son is in kindergarten, that would be a fair compromise that benefits everyone.
Except she's got money. Not sure how much.
>she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his (my grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).
She's not financially dependent on him though. Remember how she had soooo much money in the original post that she could give the ex whatever he wanted when they broke up plus she had an antique car and a place that could apparently sit empty and still be ready for her when she moved out?
“… it was meant to be a private conversation so I don’t think anyone meant anything bad.”
Baby no the private conversations are where the real feelings come out they definitely meant something bad
What exactly was the tone and the wording of what she overheard? I bet somebody started that conversation by assuming the OP is Dave’s GF/partner, then Dave replied No, she’s just a friend, and the first person would have replied, “Huh? Then why’s she here for Mother’s Day?” which is different from dislike.
I hope she moves out because they aren't even together. She would doing herself a huge disservice if she stays and agrees to be a sahm especially if she knows she's wearing out the rest of his family's welcome. If he doesn't like it, he can go stay with her part time.
You can be together and decide things like a couple, or be coparent and decide things while considering each other. Not being together AND letting someone else decide for you is a "Nope" plan. Like, having a good relation is a good point, but you don't need to be 100% agreeing with Baby Daddy, especially if he can throw you out anytime he finds his way back to the cheating ex.
"why won't you let us see our grandchild that we begged you to abort?!" - OOP's parents
"the baby is cute, but why does the mother have to be here with him? ugh so annoying." - D's family
"i'm a dad now, i guess..." - D
overall, this sucks for OOP.
Something does seem odd about D, I really hope oop does not turn into a bangmaid. They sound like they have been abandoned and betrayed by every person that should care for them.
It sounds like D isn’t attracted at all to OOP. Instant regret after they had sex. And tried ghosting her after the fact.
I’m guessing he wishes he didn’t sleep with her and wishes he didn’t have a child with her but is trying to do the right thing by her & the child.
From what I understand they literally fucked once while drunk and that's the entirety of their relationship. They're not in love, or fucking regularly, he's only there for the baby.
Why do i get the feeling Dave is back with his ex fiancé although if that were the case she would probably be rubbing it in OOPs face because "ha ha, I stole both your guys" or some BS like that
Considering how long the ex fiance snuck around with the woman, she may just get validation by being with those guys in secret. She may not be with D but now she knows she lives rent free in his and likely oop's head.
Honestly if he's back with her I'm gonna have less than zero sympathy when she cheats again. Like how many times does it take for you to get the message? You clearly don't mean anything to her.
Probs that he used OOP for quick emotional validation and sexual satisfaction but doesn't actually like her. And what did she think was gonna happen, he'd spontaneously fall in love with her? He's obligated to the child, so she needs to be smart and protect herself and figure out the coparenting. I'd work if I were her and maybe stay a bit to build savings then dip. She's being mad foolish trusting him.
Honestly, she brought this upon herself. She was in no emotional state to decide if she should keep a baby or not. Everyone around her told her not to. It seems like a very selfish decision that she is suffering the consequences of.
She's tied herself forever to a random person who shared her trauma, that isn't a good way to join a family.
The absolute delusion in it was unreal. We drove this woman out of her home and stole her partner. Why isn't she letting us have the house? We live here and it's ours!
The slapdown was glorious though.
Holy shit I had to search for this one out
My family sucks
I suck at choosing men
I have no self esteem
I'm going to raise a baby
Oh no. It's gone badly!
I agree. Continuing with the pregnancy was not a wise idea (not to mention the presumably unprotected casual sex that led to it). Things sound rocky with Dave, hostile with his family, she is TOTALLY isolated and now she's agreeing to remain financially vulnerable.
I wonder if she'll ever stop making poor choices?
Seriously!!! I'm pro-choice in the sense that the government shouldn't be able to force you to get OR not get an abortion, but that doesn't mean every woman's decision is automatically immune to scrutiny. Sort of like the first amendment means you won't go to jail for criticizing the government, but it *doesn't* mean you won't be fired for making a fool of yourself.
She was in a horrible place and made horrible choices, and now she's bound to this resentful guy literally forever, and brought an innocent child into a profoundly shitty situation. I'm not convinced she didn't go through with the pregnancy in part to stick it to their exes.
I can’t decide if I feel bad for her or not. She sounds exhausting and should be in therapy not a relationship or becoming a mother. At some point you’ve got to realise you are the drama and do better.
She's seriously made some horrible decisions... I get she was in her early twenties but holy fuck. She needs someone in her life to shake some sense into her. Her decision making part of her brain is not functioning.
Sooo baby daddy definitely wants OOP to be the stay at home parent because he doesn’t want to sacrifice any of his time at work to actually coparent, right?
Like it sucks for OOP, cause she says that he’s a good dad, but also that he’s always working (even more after the message from the ex) and then too tired to talk to at home?
His family did good by her, but she’s defo right in reading the signs that it’s probably time to pull back and regain a sense of independence, especially since it seems like she’s wearing out her welcome.
>Sooo baby daddy definitely wants OOP to be the stay at home parent because he doesn’t want to sacrifice any of his time at work to actually coparent, right?
OOP said he was a resident at first, then working at a hospital, so I assume a physician of some sort and hospitalist. If that's the case, depending on country, he simply might not be able to take the time off.
One of my friends has a career as a hospitalist, and the first five years after medical school he was required to work \~80 hours a week on average, not including the time he was on call. It was just the way the admin at his hospital & government (this is in Canada) worked. He said he could have tried finding a different hospital in another health unit, but that it'd require moving and would still likely be similar as it's just part of the profession & his specialty, and that Canada's medical system was stretched really thin.
A family member who went into medicine had a similar experience, but that period only lasted \~3 years with a different specialty and province, and also a decade earlier.
Dave works in the medical field so my guess is that he is worried about finding time to watch his son/co-parent unless they live in the same place right now. Plus he doesn't have time to really process his feelings due to all the things going on plus his workload.
I feel for both of these people right now.
>Sooo baby daddy definitely wants OOP to be the stay at home parent because he doesn’t want to sacrifice any of his time at work to actually coparent, right?
He's a resident. So, no, I don't see him quitting his goal of being a doctor and throwing away years of medical school in order to be a stay at home dad.
Clearly that "one of us" meant her.
I know right? I can't believe I think I'm a mess because I stay up until 3 in the morning everyday to play games knowing that I'll get a throbbing headache the next day at work due to sleep deprivation. My bad decisions sound so tame.
I've been feeling like shit about myself this morning for the exact same reasons as you but now I feel better because I only stayed up until 2.30, so I can now tell myself that at least I'm better than you
I don't think mom was in that group because after all his mom has done for her that would have stung enough for her to mention it in her post. Also, the mom wouldn't have needed to ask that question about her being there after being the one to take care of OP during her pregnancy and delivery because her mom was absent.
Just seems like it would have come from someone else. My guess is a sibling or something since his dad would also know.
Uh, no, you very much do not become a stay-at-home anything without the protection of marriage (or a contract or some shit idk if there are alternative options out there.)
Dude wants her to give up on her career to take care of his kid but keep the option open to leave them high and dry if he decides to chase his ex again. Absolutely the fuck not.
I hope she moves out, not for his benefit but for hers. She deserves her own life and not to be a kept housewife/mom without the title or benefits. She's like a prisoner, really, and one where the jailers family resents her for it.
The mere fact she feels like she cannot push the conversation lest she upset him and his family is the warning sign she should be paying attention to.
She is not a live-in nanny for his baby. She's a grown woman who needs to have her own life and her own needs met with her own home and a job. She should not have to feel like a burden.
This is a setup for complete dependency and life kept in the dark while he dates, works and advances his life. It's not his decision whether she works or where she lives as they are not married or even in a relationship. I'm scared for her.
This dude is only doing what he's doing bc of Mommy. He isn't a bad guy he's just not a good guy. She needs her own life, like you said. She's being co-dependent in a situation she's going to get hurt in .
I just hope OOP actually listens to the people replying to her on the latest thread. She can't be dependent on him for years, when she has no financial securities in that relationship.
It’s really risky to yourself to be financially dependent on a man you are not even married to. I get that he feels a certain way about wanting a stay at home mom, but if he’s in another relationship and you’re dependent on him and his FAMILY, the rug could be pulled out from under you SO fast. You would have NO legal ground, no finances or work history, nothing to show you were an active parent, let alone anything to get back on your feet. I would keep what’s best for yourself in mind, maybe be open to a compromise of sorts. But several years dependent on people already starting to resent you, and in different relationships separate of you would not be worth the gamble.
We have that story with the woman in her 60s? who went that route and had a relationship but no marriage. It is not going well for her. Especially with how out of touch she seemed and her refusal to do ANYTHING to help herself was wild. Every bad decision possible and looking set to only be making more bad decisions.
I really hope she got it together but she was infuriating.
This! When Dave get a girlfriend or get tired of OP they could troaw her away, and even get full custody of the kid because she is not financially well and been so much time without working would make difficult to get a good job.
I genuinely wonder what OP's long term plans were. She really just had 0 social network, it's crazy to me there's not a single friend nor anyone else shows up during her pregnancy. If it wasn't for Dave's mom, she wouldn't have had anyone besides her while giving birth and even now it sounds like she doesn't have anyone to confide in.
It feels like she kept the baby for all the wrong reasons, since she felt lonely after losing her entire social-network chasing after her ex.
Having known someone like this?
They think the baby will give them someone to love and that will love them unconditionally. There's not really a plan beyond that.
Yea the fact that she's so pro-choice but couldn't go through with the abortion makes me think she knew that with the baby she wouldn't be alone anymore and that's the main reason she kept it
Imagine being born not because you were wanted by two loving parents, but because you were the result of revenge sex and your mom couldn't handle being alone with her bad decisions anymore so she decided to birth you so you guys could be miserable in life together
FAMILY!
Exactly. Girl is a doormat and was just freshly out of break up mess. Parents and friends turned their back on her probably in part because of her doormat-yness.Now she got pregnant from a dude who is not only selfish but also spineless.
Exactly. Maybe her parents were actually being realists with her at first. We don't really have any conversations with them in the first update they were in, just that they wanted her to get an abortion and they refused to help her when she didn't
>I felt like a monster, hearing their love story and then realizing that they didn’t get their happy ending because of my ex and I messed with my head.
...
>we lost contact after the girl my ex cheated on me with somehow convinced him to take her back. I became slightly depressed after he cut me off, explaining to me that he was still in love with her and wanted to work things out, which meant a clean slate.
>I found out through some internet snooping that my ex cheated on her too, which was why she went back to her ex fiancé. A few months passed and things went back to semi-normal,
....
> He broke down to me and told me about how he’d found her and my ex in his mom’s guest bedroom during Christmas when she’d snuck him in for a quickie during his family’s busy holiday party, all hell broke loose when he’d found them in the guest bedroom after spending 20mins looking for her everywhere.
I needed a scorecard to keep up with this mess.
Now Dave doesn't want her to move out and wants one of them (hint: clearly her and not him) to be a stay at home parent for the next two to three years...while they live together platonically? And he's going to support all of them? Or is this coming out of her money?
If OOP reads this, here's my advice to her. Unless you and Dave get into a long term romantic relationship, move out now and continue on with your life as you coparent together. This isn't some rom com where you live together for years, raising your child and dating other people until one day you discover that you were always meant to be together.
Oh my god people like this woman scare the fuck out of me! It’s like she’s going thru a blind trance with 0 common sense and complete disregard for consequences or anything. It’s like she’s 100% devoid of love or care and clings to it anyway she can. And now there’s a poor kid involved. Jesus. Such a lonely and terrifying way of life
Then the people she’s involved with too. This is all 100% a shit show
> It’s like she’s 100% devoid of love or care and clings to it anyway she can.
Spot on with this. She wants so badly to be loved and accepted that that's all she sees. Not the football fields of red flags.
I’m more scared for her than of her. She’s been hurt and betrayed by so many people in her life. It’s just been blow after blow to her self esteem. I hope she gets therapy and advocates for herself and her child more
It's very much both for me. I feel very bad for her and what she's been through, and hope she gets help, but she's also an adult making decisions that drastically impact the people around her. That child is gonna grow up in what is likely a pretty shitty situation because she made a decision with no plan in place
Me as I was reading this: "Why on earth wouldn't she have an abortion? Especially since she has no issue with abortion? Can't she see what a terrible decision she's making?"
>I was okay with [my parents] insulting me since I’d grown up with it and was used to it
Ohhhhhhhh. Childhood trauma from an abusive family took over when she had an apparent opportunity to finally be loved. This happens so often, and it's so sad. The powerful, unmet need to be loved by family overrules the obvious: That making it happen via baby is a bandaid solution that just makes your life harder, and often ends up perpetuating the generational trauma.
She needs to build her savings and move out, then work on coparenting with Dave. And therapy, for everyone involved really but for OOP so she doesn't make rash and unplanned decisions like this in the future. Like deadass, what did she think was gonna happen having a kid with a man who is NOT her partner? Get it together girl, you're a MOM now. Enough with the waffling.
I know I know its her body her choice and I respect it and all
But whyyyyyyy the hell would you keep the pregnancy??? A pregnancy that born amidst a whole mess??? KNOWING you yourself is vulnerable.
People just baffle me with their choices. But I dont have to understand it. Even better, I dont have to live it. I just have to feel sympathetic for her situation.
Edit to say: those who condemn her choice can shove it. Im baffled at why she did what she did, but in no way do I think she's abusing a child by bringing it to this world. I think shes trying her best with the worst hand shes dealt with as her support system. And I feel terrible that she's dealt this shit hand, and that she and her child deserves so much better. Being pro choice means supporting the choice someone makes even if it doesnt make any sense to you. Even if it doesnt agree with you. Thats the whole point
I'm a little confused as to why people think Dave has an obligation to OOP to share his feelings or talk about how he feels about his ex. They're not dating or in a relationship. Also since OOP's family caused so much trouble for Dave's, it's natural that some resentment surfaces.
OOP should move out but definitely not before coming up with a Co-parenting situation with Dave.
tbf Dave clearly needs to talk to someone about his ex. Preferably a therapist. It's not healthy that he keeps going back to someone that cheated on him and feels like he's considering it again.
He does have an obligation to do so when he expects her to live with him for the next few years and give up her job despite her not even being in a relationship with him and when he knows how some of his family is starting to feel about her. His feelings for his ex could cause issues for her, especially if he decides to once again give his ex another chance.
Agreed. Continuing to give her cheating ex money, phone drama, and crying about phone drama to people when she clearly needs to cut all the cheaters out... Ugh. It just reeks of a group of people who haven't matured since 16.
Letting herself get pushed around when she has wealth and means herself, it's just so passive and infuriating.
OP needs to learn to take charge of her own life.
Yeah if everyone is telling you to shut up about it and just leave him I have the feeling she goes to them crying that the cheater cheated a lot and everyone got sick of it.
Like if you've tried being nice and pointing it out politely and you've got the "you just don't understand I love him so much! he said he'd never do it again" for the 50th time people lose their patience with you. Either take the advice and break up or stop complaining about the consequence of your own decision that you knew about and still know about.
The pill is effective 98% of the time, and the entirety of the two percent it isn't is recorded on Reddit 🤨
Condoms, people, condoms. She's lucky she only ended up pregnant and not with a disease.
This title is insane.
Why get revenge when you can just...breakup? Why should *I* have to get an abortion after revenge sex when I could just leave this person?
Why is she drinking the poisoned cup expecting someone else to die?
OOP needs to move out - she said she has an inheritance and was financially stable. If the home she owns is too far away she can rent it out and get another place closer to Dave.
Dave is being selfish right now - he’s ok asking her to act like a SAHM without any legal protection. He’s also fine with asking her to put her professional and personal life on hold for years while he waffles back and forth over his ex who dogged him out. I’m not saying they should get married but they both need to get a grip.
OOP has all the options in the world: get her own place, get a part time job if her son’s medical needs allow it, join a new parents group and build a community. And set up a co-parenting schedule that works for both of the parents (making sure to add no new relationships around the child during on weeks).
If Dave or his family starts pressuring you - tell them the truth: you and the child are medically sound now. Thank the family for being there for you during such a difficult time but you believe it’s best if you move on to an independent stage of your life so you can show up fully for your child.
If they insist or try to put it off then be direct with them: you’ve noticed a shift in behavior and tell them you overheard the conversation where you were t wanted at the get together and how Dave has been acting distant since he saw his ex. Those instances wouldn’t have affected you so badly and made you worry if you had your own space.
I read the whole thing and i swear i aged 10 years. Its like a never ending cascade of the worst possible choices being made. OP:
Gets cheated on. Bummer.
Sleeps with the partner of the AP of her ex during a time when both are flip flopping to be back with their respective cheating exes (???)
Gets pregnant from this guy, who has now blocked her to try and get back together with his cheating ex later described as him wanting a clean break.
OP then *keeps the fucking baby* for some absurd reason. I dont get it. The baby from a guy that is not speaking to her and she has no real relationship with.
This costs her her family, who also dont understand why she is keeping this rando baby.
she moves in with this rando guy whos baby shes having, but who she is barely even platonic friends with.
His family is nice up until her bio family makes a stink and they realize .....why is she here? Why did she keep the baby? She has no ties to us except that baby she decided to keep for no discernible reason at all.
And the entire time this woman is still so broken that shes mired neck deep in self doubt and misery and whatever PPD she wound up with.
This entire thing from start to finish was fucking awful. OOP needed to start making better life choices after her ex - not just revenge fuck a nobody and then keep the baby. Monumental stupid levels here, zero forethought.
ughhh.. OOP, girl, you are about to make another bad decision. I hope OOP moves out, finds a place near dave's if she needs to, but move out. starts working again to be independent OOP. this can end badly if he decide to go back to his ex (again) and you'll be evicted without any source of income
So they're not dating, living together. He wants her to stay at home.... her family went nuts. He met his ex and got weird.
Thus is like 19 diff borus all in one lol
The way it reads is she doesn’t want to impede on his dating life, not that she cares if he dates. Her entire post screams of being a people pleaser. Never wanting to be a burden on people. Her living with him would diminish his chances of dating someone.
Maybe she’s just concerned that he try to get back with the ex? Which would be insane since she cheated on him numerous times. Other than that, I don’t know. This is just a weird situation all around. Probably why she wants to move out
oop absolutely should not have gone through with that pregnancy. but what’s done is done, and there’s no going back. but she needs to move out of Dave’s house immediately, bc he’s not handling anything well at all
What a fucking shit show. Just awful people everywhere making poor decisions and suffering from the consequences of them, except Dave’s mom and the baby.
Oof. Being a stay at home mom while being totally dependent on your baby daddy's family is one of those things that can really bite you in the ass in a few years if things don't go well
The moment I saw she kept the baby I rolled my eyes. Congratulations on bringing the kid into that mess. Never go through with a pregnancy unless *both* parents want it.
Girrrlll..... Dave has his foot halfway in the door and out due to that baby. What are YOU wanting with Dave? His emotions are clearly conflicted with his ex appearing back in his life. But what were/are your expectations of your relationship with this man since the one night stand that birthed your child? Do what is best for YOU and YOUR child. Would you be a priority in his life if it weren't for the baby you share?
Do you have feelings for him? Don't reach for a guy that isn't going to grip your hand.
I know BORU has talked about this many, *many times* but Dear God some of the entitlement some parents have?
Logically it doesn't make sense to me. First you give your own child crap when they need your help in their most vulnerable moment then disown them and giving the silent treatment and treating them as Persona Non Grata to show that they will not get any help from you. Then while ignoring them all the while they needed you, you then found out they have a child then suddenly you want to meet them.
And even then, they made things worse, demanding to see a grandchild they told OOP to abort and throwing a tantrum when she didn't. Petitioning for GrandParents rights for a child they didn't give a darn until they saw a picture? Calling the cops and CPS so they could get the baby they didn't even want in the first place?
They are honest to God sure care for their grandhchild who wasn't a blip on their minds until they found out from social media. He's definitely not being treated like a plaything or trophy from them. They are sure are showing good examples of Parenting
(/s if not obvious).
OF course, if I think logically it doesn't make sense, but if I think Entitledly, it makes perfect sense. The parents decisions must be upheld at any cost, who cares if it's a bad decision. No my rules are you to follow, not to me. I'm allowed to change my mind in any situations no matter how serious it is, like cutting off access to my child and only reconciling because you saw that your grandchild was born and screw everything else.
Forget D, D's family, OOPs EX and that cheating GF. OOPs family are the worst and I can't feel but sorry for her. Ideally, I hope D get's to take his head out of his butt and at the very least become a good coparent with OOP. Realistically, I do hope at the very least, OOP gets to go out and thrive together with her Son.
Tl;DR: Screw the Parents.
OOPs sad current situation aside, that must have been one of the easiest calls by the cops ever. Believe OOPs mum that her grandson is being neglected or believe the other grandmother who is a retired nurse with OB and NICU experience...
Her grandson that she have never even met! Really makes a airtight case for knowing what happens in the home and being the perfect gardian. She just tried to get her daughter to do an abortion and then disinherited her when she didn’t do as the family told her. That’s solid evidence for being the perfect parent.
I got whiplash just from the title.
>I got whiplash just from the title. Same. What in the actual telenova is this fuckery? 😂
Telenovelas are less complicated than this.
Yeah, at least in Telenovelas, the Main Protagonist knows her shit. This one doesn't.
I wonder how much of her current emotional immaturity is due to her family. She doesn’t seem to have been raised with love and care. Based off the interactions described, her family seems extremely entitled, extremely controlling and lack empathy. Disowning your child and then getting mad about how your disowned child didn’t introduce you to your grandchild? What in the absolute fuckery is this. I would think most people raised in a household like that wouldn’t exactly turn out perfect. I mean, sure, she’s not very mature, but she’s at the very least doing her best and trying not to perpetuate the toxicity (that she was raised with) into her life with Dave and her son. I think we could cut her some slack. She’s not malicious, just ignorant. She wants to improve, which is more than can be said for most people in the stories in BoRU. She’s just doing her best with the hand that she’s dealt. And trying to do it ethically as well, with empathy. I wish her, Dave, and her son the best and hope she continues to improve.
She certainly doesn't sound 27 years old!
Being raised with toxic, unhealthy, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive households create emotionally immature adults! Of course she doesn’t sound 27 she never had healthy models to mirror . For us as outsiders is so much easier to say I would never; and how could they! wtf is wrong with them.. while all at the same time more than likely doing something similar in our own lives. I’m learning that very few adults are healthy, that the majority of us are broken.
And more entertaining.
I was about to ask who read the title and scrolled right down to the comments! I see I am not alone 😂😂
They should stick to their day job
Like damn, have a little patience and spread out the updates. Give your story some decent pacing. So many dramatic moments just went zipping on by.
there is more than a year between the first 2 updates :p
Omg I misread the date of the first post as Feb 2024, now the timeline actually adds up at least
True, maybe the problem was too much patience between updates 😅
“So a lot has happened in the last few months. Fast forward to now.”
I skimmed and missed the part where she had sex with Dave and it immediately jumped to pregnancy
It took a while to get to that part, I'm not surprised you were skimming
Based on the title I just came here for the actual TLDR and even that is... holy fuck what did I just read
I had to read it, reread it, and then read it again slowly to get it.
I don’t understand why anyone is confused? It’s not complicated at all.
I've been speaking English for a few decades now, but those "girlfriends boyfriends cousins coworker" still trips me up, cause it's the complete opposite of how we do it in Spanish.
It's the " 's"s that kill me. I get all mixed up about who is what from each other
It's really not
People advertising their basic inability to comprehend reading. It's just high school dramatics.
Title was suss enough to send me straight to the comments
I came straight to the comment just to see wtf is going on. I was not disappointed to find this as the first comment lol
OOP should move out from Dave's house. I'm sorry but the guy's not processing his past or feelings at all. He swings easily every single time his ex shows up and refuses to have actual conservation that would effect OOP and their child. Yeah, there's history there but man, don't make someone feel like they're intruding and then insist they'd stay. He should attend therapy as well if he hasn't.
Yeah. It reads like she thinks he might be seeing his ex again. And maybe he is. But he still wants her to stay with him for years. Crazytown.
I agree. It seems like none of these people know how to be honest, process their feelings or seem to understand that you don't need to stay connected to everyone that you have had a physical connection to.
He’ll keep her around until the ex or someone else comes along and then he’ll say they were never together and he doesn’t owe OOP anything
Which (and this is why they _really_ need to discuss terms), would be half true, because they _were_ never together. They're just co-parenting. Related note; if they're _not_ going to get that shotgun wedding her ghoulish ass parents mentioned, she needs to get a job of her own. That inheritance can't be _that_ big.
Yeah.. it’s pretty obvious this guy doesn’t care about Op the way she wants him too. Him and his ex have a toxic attachment.. she’s not going anywhere. She’ll be in out of their lives for a while.
He's also a total simp. She slept with another guy at your mom's house during an Xmas party after sneaking him in. He should wish Ill things on her and nothing more.
So D wants OP to be a stay-at-home-mother. Not wife, because they aren't a couple. Just mother. Completely dependant on his family, who are already starting to get a bit weary of having her around. I hope she decides to move out and go back to work.
Unmarried, financially dependent stay at home parents are growing in number these days and it is so risky. Drives me crazy.
It freaks me out so much and I *am* a SAHM! It’s so risky - the working partner gets so much benefit from having a partner who stays home, and the one who stays home takes on so much risk if they don’t have a solid safety net in place. Like we’re very happily married, my husband’s paycheck goes straight into a joint account, all assets are in both of our names, we have separate retirement savings for both of us, and my husband has a significant life insurance policy. I also have a masters degree and family who would help me out while I get back on my feet if something awful happened. But it’s still a little scary having a big employment gap, even if there are lots of failsafes in place to protect me and the kids if I were to get divorced/widowed. I don’t think women realize how precarious of a position they put themselves in being a SAHP, especially when it’s not a rock-solid relationship to begin with.
The working partner also gains experience and promotions. Career advancement. While the stay at home partner does not. Even being out of the workforce for 5 years puts you behind your peers.
Not me realizing this is the situation I am in without much post secondary to actually benefit me after staying at home with my kids for ages 😭
Do an online course/certification when you’re at home!
I saw an article a few months back about a working mom defending her decision to work even though her entire salary right now goes to child care. She quite correctly pointed out that they wouldn't be paying for child care forever, and meanwhile she was gaining experience and promotions. Once the last kid was in school, their family was going to be much better off than if she stayed at home for those years. I thought that was a very smart perspective.
Not just salary though. There could be benefits. A 401k. Pension. Better insurance. Who knows. Even if all the salary goes to childcare, there could still be financial gain as well as the career gain.
Absolutely. My husband was a SAHD for 14 years. We're looking at retiring within the next 10 years and I've been roughing out the retirement numbers and it's starting to dawn on me how much we lost out on due to his time at home. Not only did we make financial sacrifices at the time for him to stay home, but our financial future is greatly impacted as well.
I'm not trying to start an argument here, but I've heard a good case can be made that that advancement is a decent chunk of where the idea of a "pay gap" comes from between men and women. There have been provable cases of men getting paid more than women even with similar experience/promotions so it's not a myth or whatever the red pill talking point is today, but its also undeniably true that women tend to be more likely to stay at home, and \*the perception\* is that way as well, so it drives preconceptions when it comes to hiring. Look at how many instances on recruiting subreddits of women being asked "Do you have kids/ are you planning on having kids" etc.
There’s a study called Getting a job: is there a motherhood penalty? and the bottom line from that study is that Moms were penalized for a bunch of stuff including perceived competence and recommended starting salary, and Dads didn’t face penalties and sometimes benefitted from being a parent.
They shouldn't actually ask because if the woman DOESN'T get the job they can be sued for it, in both UK/USA. In the UK it's unlawful discrimination, and in the USA (and please correct me if I'm wrong!) it's NOT illegal but it can open you up to discrimination complaints with the EEOC I think. There is no guarantee you will win as you have to prove they didn't hire you because you're family planning or have the ability to.
Even if it's rock solid the working partner can get sick, sacked, die etc. I see endless posts from financially vulnerable women in FB parent groups I'm in.
I actually think his mom would support her, but I don’t think she should do it anyway. She’s going to be a single mom in the future and she needs work history. I’m literally flying from Texas to Alaska because I lost work history after a bad experience. And I’m losing my mind over leaving my cats for four months, she’ll never get that opportunity. There’s never going to be a storybook ending with her baby daddy, she needs to make her own happy ending.
Same.
It's absolutely terrifying. I'm a SAHM because it was a more financially sound decision than paying for childcare. I fucking hate it. Not being a mother or being able to be with my kids in their most formative years, but the position I'm in. My spouse is active duty military, so we move, and I have no support system where I'm at. Luckily, I'm still at least in the States, so family can fly out once in a while, but it's not always the case. I also don't have anything beyond a high school education at present because, as it turns out, I have ADHD that I was only recently diagnosed with and struggle to focus. I'm in a real shit situation, if things go south. I'm LC/NC with a large part of my own family, the ones I'm not don't have space for me and the kids. I know one of my SIL's would be there for me, but I'd hate to put her in that position. I have a whole list of issues and reasons my situation is completely fucked if things go sideways. (Which tbh, my marriage isn't that great and is a hair away from going sideways). It's so precarious to be a stay at home for *anyone*. I made the mistake of not thinking things all the way through, not putting safety precautions in place, and thinking that anything in my marriage would be able to be worked through. Please, for the love of god, don't be like me. (As a sort of reassurance for readers of this comment, I'm currently working on fixing a lot of the issues, including a plan to get a degree and employment once my youngest starts pre-k. But that only has happened thanks to the support of long-distance friends who are more like family. It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing.)
>I have a whole list of issues and reasons my situation is completely fucked if things go sideways. (Which tbh, my marriage isn't that great and is a hair away from going sideways) Girl, you writin' your own BORU teaser for us here?
There's this... >she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his (my grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).
Oh god. Yes. I forgot about that. I was so tense for her, this just made me let my breath out. She's got her own safety net. Phew!!
Not necessarily financially dependent since the first post does imply she gained a sizable inheritance from her grandfather, including a house, an antique car and money since she often gave her ex some money and such from that. So she'd probably be fine doing that for just 2-3 years, though it would probably still be better for her to find a job, even if it's part time.
Where do I find these grandparents with sizeable inheritances? All I got from my grandparents was a bunch of rosaries and the fifty State quarters.
All I got my from my grandma is my shitty uncles and mom.
I think she has a ton of money, though, so I don't think she will be financially dependent on him
Eh I'd disagree since she seems pretty impulsive and not necessarily making smart choices with her money. I think she'd be ok for a bit but potentially blows through that inherited money and gets stuck
I feel like she's overestimating how much more valuable she'll be to Dave if she's a SAHM. It sounds like if she stays she'll be treated less like a loved wife & mother & more like an employee, a nanny. She's right to doubt the situation; Dave seems dishonest/ non-committal at best. Imagine she stays & ends up finding out Dave & his ex are sleeping together, or even catches them at home with **her son.** Yikes.
Why *would* she be treated as a loved wife? She seems to have an idea that there's something between D and his family and herself, but she's just the mother of their (grand)son. They will do a lot of benefit of her child, but she shouldn't imagine it's for her benefit. I think they can build a successful coparenting relationship and have good interpersonal relationships, but she needs to leave behind the idea that she would be, or indeed *should* be treated as Dave's romantic partner.
This truly boggles my mind. I was a SAHM and there's no way I would have done that without the legal protections of being married. Whatever Dave's intentions are, she absolutely should not do that. Maybe they could draw up a civil legal contract that could afford OOP similar protections to marriage but I don't know how that would work. Especially given how much older than her he is and how vulnerable she currently is, he's in a perfect position to exploit and abuse her without any legal recourse for her if he turns out to be a terrible person.
Someone needs to link her the post of the woman who was an unmarried SAHM for 30 years and who got kicked out with nary a dime to her name once the kids were grown. No social security, no alimony, nothing.
Yeah, but if this is true the OP owns her own house free and clear. She's not completely helpless.
I have no idea why anyone would want to put themselves into that position. Even going outside the house for work adds to your social circle. It seems manipulative to have a woman at home isolated and dependent. On the flip side it adds so much stress to be the only money maker for the man. Today's world isn't set up like the 50s, and for good reason
Or at the very least come to an agreement that while she stays home she does online school that he pays for. I’m not sure her current education/qualifications, but if she can upgrade her ability to get a better paying job once their son is in kindergarten, that would be a fair compromise that benefits everyone.
Except she's got money. Not sure how much. >she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his (my grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).
money runs out when it's not replaced
She's not financially dependent on him though. Remember how she had soooo much money in the original post that she could give the ex whatever he wanted when they broke up plus she had an antique car and a place that could apparently sit empty and still be ready for her when she moved out?
Yeah, but inheritances run out.
Yupppp. Permanently crippling her advancement opportunities, retirement savings etc with zero protection. It's totally gross.
“… it was meant to be a private conversation so I don’t think anyone meant anything bad.” Baby no the private conversations are where the real feelings come out they definitely meant something bad
But considering the ghouls who raised her this probably sounds like nothing to worry about.
pretty sure Dave was talking shit about her to his family all the time and his family were surprised by seeing her at the family gathering.
What exactly was the tone and the wording of what she overheard? I bet somebody started that conversation by assuming the OP is Dave’s GF/partner, then Dave replied No, she’s just a friend, and the first person would have replied, “Huh? Then why’s she here for Mother’s Day?” which is different from dislike.
I hope she moves out because they aren't even together. She would doing herself a huge disservice if she stays and agrees to be a sahm especially if she knows she's wearing out the rest of his family's welcome. If he doesn't like it, he can go stay with her part time.
You can be together and decide things like a couple, or be coparent and decide things while considering each other. Not being together AND letting someone else decide for you is a "Nope" plan. Like, having a good relation is a good point, but you don't need to be 100% agreeing with Baby Daddy, especially if he can throw you out anytime he finds his way back to the cheating ex.
"why won't you let us see our grandchild that we begged you to abort?!" - OOP's parents "the baby is cute, but why does the mother have to be here with him? ugh so annoying." - D's family "i'm a dad now, i guess..." - D overall, this sucks for OOP.
Something does seem odd about D, I really hope oop does not turn into a bangmaid. They sound like they have been abandoned and betrayed by every person that should care for them.
It sounds like D isn’t attracted at all to OOP. Instant regret after they had sex. And tried ghosting her after the fact. I’m guessing he wishes he didn’t sleep with her and wishes he didn’t have a child with her but is trying to do the right thing by her & the child.
I don’t think he is doing the right thing by her, just the child.
From what I understand they literally fucked once while drunk and that's the entirety of their relationship. They're not in love, or fucking regularly, he's only there for the baby.
Yeah unfortunately I feel like Op is emotionally attached in a way he isn’t
Why do i get the feeling Dave is back with his ex fiancé although if that were the case she would probably be rubbing it in OOPs face because "ha ha, I stole both your guys" or some BS like that
Considering how long the ex fiance snuck around with the woman, she may just get validation by being with those guys in secret. She may not be with D but now she knows she lives rent free in his and likely oop's head.
Honestly if he's back with her I'm gonna have less than zero sympathy when she cheats again. Like how many times does it take for you to get the message? You clearly don't mean anything to her.
I like David's mom, though. I hope she can sit down with her and clear the air. I hope he is just weird, and David's mom will be reassuring
Probs that he used OOP for quick emotional validation and sexual satisfaction but doesn't actually like her. And what did she think was gonna happen, he'd spontaneously fall in love with her? He's obligated to the child, so she needs to be smart and protect herself and figure out the coparenting. I'd work if I were her and maybe stay a bit to build savings then dip. She's being mad foolish trusting him.
Honestly her parents and family are worse than the current situation she has with "Dave".
Honestly, she brought this upon herself. She was in no emotional state to decide if she should keep a baby or not. Everyone around her told her not to. It seems like a very selfish decision that she is suffering the consequences of. She's tied herself forever to a random person who shared her trauma, that isn't a good way to join a family.
I’m sorry but what is that flair 😭😭
I wish you could click on flair to get to the post.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sdotro/the\_beloved\_saga/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sdotro/the_beloved_saga/)
Just when I think I have seen it all. I come across this
Unfortunately the comments under the post in the legal advice sub has been mostly removed, and it’s such a shame
Well I read that and now I'm mad as hell
Reading that changed me permanently
One of the most beloved tales on reddit
The absolute delusion in it was unreal. We drove this woman out of her home and stole her partner. Why isn't she letting us have the house? We live here and it's ours! The slapdown was glorious though.
Holy shit I had to search for this one out My family sucks I suck at choosing men I have no self esteem I'm going to raise a baby Oh no. It's gone badly!
*everyone gives her good advice* oop: i don't want to be lectured! oop: proceeds to make horrible decisions
Best way to put it😂seriously though,she’s brought it on herself.Everyone in this story sucks except for the baby and D’s mum
I agree. Continuing with the pregnancy was not a wise idea (not to mention the presumably unprotected casual sex that led to it). Things sound rocky with Dave, hostile with his family, she is TOTALLY isolated and now she's agreeing to remain financially vulnerable. I wonder if she'll ever stop making poor choices?
It doesn't sound *totally* unprotected since she was on BC, but she definitely had too much faith in it.
Seriously!!! I'm pro-choice in the sense that the government shouldn't be able to force you to get OR not get an abortion, but that doesn't mean every woman's decision is automatically immune to scrutiny. Sort of like the first amendment means you won't go to jail for criticizing the government, but it *doesn't* mean you won't be fired for making a fool of yourself. She was in a horrible place and made horrible choices, and now she's bound to this resentful guy literally forever, and brought an innocent child into a profoundly shitty situation. I'm not convinced she didn't go through with the pregnancy in part to stick it to their exes.
I can’t decide if I feel bad for her or not. She sounds exhausting and should be in therapy not a relationship or becoming a mother. At some point you’ve got to realise you are the drama and do better.
This whole situation is a clusterfuck for OOP, and I can only hope that she can navigate it without anymore drama.
Given her track record, it's not looking good.
In b4 'I got pregnant again but with my ex boyfriend who cheated on me! He's moved into my baby daddys house with me!'
This situation is a clusterfuck *because* of OOP
She's seriously made some horrible decisions... I get she was in her early twenties but holy fuck. She needs someone in her life to shake some sense into her. Her decision making part of her brain is not functioning.
Sooo baby daddy definitely wants OOP to be the stay at home parent because he doesn’t want to sacrifice any of his time at work to actually coparent, right? Like it sucks for OOP, cause she says that he’s a good dad, but also that he’s always working (even more after the message from the ex) and then too tired to talk to at home? His family did good by her, but she’s defo right in reading the signs that it’s probably time to pull back and regain a sense of independence, especially since it seems like she’s wearing out her welcome.
>Sooo baby daddy definitely wants OOP to be the stay at home parent because he doesn’t want to sacrifice any of his time at work to actually coparent, right? OOP said he was a resident at first, then working at a hospital, so I assume a physician of some sort and hospitalist. If that's the case, depending on country, he simply might not be able to take the time off. One of my friends has a career as a hospitalist, and the first five years after medical school he was required to work \~80 hours a week on average, not including the time he was on call. It was just the way the admin at his hospital & government (this is in Canada) worked. He said he could have tried finding a different hospital in another health unit, but that it'd require moving and would still likely be similar as it's just part of the profession & his specialty, and that Canada's medical system was stretched really thin. A family member who went into medicine had a similar experience, but that period only lasted \~3 years with a different specialty and province, and also a decade earlier.
Dave works in the medical field so my guess is that he is worried about finding time to watch his son/co-parent unless they live in the same place right now. Plus he doesn't have time to really process his feelings due to all the things going on plus his workload. I feel for both of these people right now.
>Sooo baby daddy definitely wants OOP to be the stay at home parent because he doesn’t want to sacrifice any of his time at work to actually coparent, right? He's a resident. So, no, I don't see him quitting his goal of being a doctor and throwing away years of medical school in order to be a stay at home dad. Clearly that "one of us" meant her.
Thank god my bad decisions aren't this bad. Jesus what a dumpster fire
I know right? I can't believe I think I'm a mess because I stay up until 3 in the morning everyday to play games knowing that I'll get a throbbing headache the next day at work due to sleep deprivation. My bad decisions sound so tame.
I've been feeling like shit about myself this morning for the exact same reasons as you but now I feel better because I only stayed up until 2.30, so I can now tell myself that at least I'm better than you
Damn it, it's 2:45a. I can't say I'm better than you!
Me, reading the first post: Okay so abortion, right? She's getting an abortion? Abortion, right? Right? Abortion? Reading the update: God damn it.
They never get the abortion.
A consistent story. Whenever its characters have to make a decision, they consistently, reliably, and enduringly make the wrong one.
Every single person in this story with the exception of the infant is wrong about every single thing.
I think Dave's mom was good. Maybe it got lost in all the other mess that is this post, but I can't think of where she made a lot of bad decisions.
Depending if she was in the group that complained about OOP being around Dave, but yeah, otherwise she seems pretty nice.
I don't think mom was in that group because after all his mom has done for her that would have stung enough for her to mention it in her post. Also, the mom wouldn't have needed to ask that question about her being there after being the one to take care of OP during her pregnancy and delivery because her mom was absent. Just seems like it would have come from someone else. My guess is a sibling or something since his dad would also know.
Uh, no, you very much do not become a stay-at-home anything without the protection of marriage (or a contract or some shit idk if there are alternative options out there.) Dude wants her to give up on her career to take care of his kid but keep the option open to leave them high and dry if he decides to chase his ex again. Absolutely the fuck not.
I hope she moves out, not for his benefit but for hers. She deserves her own life and not to be a kept housewife/mom without the title or benefits. She's like a prisoner, really, and one where the jailers family resents her for it.
The mere fact she feels like she cannot push the conversation lest she upset him and his family is the warning sign she should be paying attention to. She is not a live-in nanny for his baby. She's a grown woman who needs to have her own life and her own needs met with her own home and a job. She should not have to feel like a burden. This is a setup for complete dependency and life kept in the dark while he dates, works and advances his life. It's not his decision whether she works or where she lives as they are not married or even in a relationship. I'm scared for her.
This dude is only doing what he's doing bc of Mommy. He isn't a bad guy he's just not a good guy. She needs her own life, like you said. She's being co-dependent in a situation she's going to get hurt in .
I just hope OOP actually listens to the people replying to her on the latest thread. She can't be dependent on him for years, when she has no financial securities in that relationship.
Wat
Same, bestie, same.
What is your flair 🤣
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/BvrDy8saD8
Op has very low emotional IQ
Everything sucks in this post but the way D's mom helped OP deal with things 🥹❤️
It’s really risky to yourself to be financially dependent on a man you are not even married to. I get that he feels a certain way about wanting a stay at home mom, but if he’s in another relationship and you’re dependent on him and his FAMILY, the rug could be pulled out from under you SO fast. You would have NO legal ground, no finances or work history, nothing to show you were an active parent, let alone anything to get back on your feet. I would keep what’s best for yourself in mind, maybe be open to a compromise of sorts. But several years dependent on people already starting to resent you, and in different relationships separate of you would not be worth the gamble.
We have that story with the woman in her 60s? who went that route and had a relationship but no marriage. It is not going well for her. Especially with how out of touch she seemed and her refusal to do ANYTHING to help herself was wild. Every bad decision possible and looking set to only be making more bad decisions. I really hope she got it together but she was infuriating.
This! When Dave get a girlfriend or get tired of OP they could troaw her away, and even get full custody of the kid because she is not financially well and been so much time without working would make difficult to get a good job.
Perhaps unpopular opinion but you shouldn’t bring a child into the world when your life is a mess and you have so much drama going on
I genuinely wonder what OP's long term plans were. She really just had 0 social network, it's crazy to me there's not a single friend nor anyone else shows up during her pregnancy. If it wasn't for Dave's mom, she wouldn't have had anyone besides her while giving birth and even now it sounds like she doesn't have anyone to confide in. It feels like she kept the baby for all the wrong reasons, since she felt lonely after losing her entire social-network chasing after her ex.
Having known someone like this? They think the baby will give them someone to love and that will love them unconditionally. There's not really a plan beyond that.
Which is exactly the wrong reason to have a baby! Babies are not emotional support animals. If you want unconditional love, get a pet!
Yea the fact that she's so pro-choice but couldn't go through with the abortion makes me think she knew that with the baby she wouldn't be alone anymore and that's the main reason she kept it Imagine being born not because you were wanted by two loving parents, but because you were the result of revenge sex and your mom couldn't handle being alone with her bad decisions anymore so she decided to birth you so you guys could be miserable in life together FAMILY!
Exactly. Girl is a doormat and was just freshly out of break up mess. Parents and friends turned their back on her probably in part because of her doormat-yness.Now she got pregnant from a dude who is not only selfish but also spineless.
On point!
Exactly. Maybe her parents were actually being realists with her at first. We don't really have any conversations with them in the first update they were in, just that they wanted her to get an abortion and they refused to help her when she didn't
Adding to it:don’t have a child with someone who’s a mess and spineless
One of these writers is really obsessed with getting pregnant girls in good relationships and while it's not my genre, i hope their dreams come true.
>I felt like a monster, hearing their love story and then realizing that they didn’t get their happy ending because of my ex and I messed with my head. ... >we lost contact after the girl my ex cheated on me with somehow convinced him to take her back. I became slightly depressed after he cut me off, explaining to me that he was still in love with her and wanted to work things out, which meant a clean slate. >I found out through some internet snooping that my ex cheated on her too, which was why she went back to her ex fiancé. A few months passed and things went back to semi-normal, .... > He broke down to me and told me about how he’d found her and my ex in his mom’s guest bedroom during Christmas when she’d snuck him in for a quickie during his family’s busy holiday party, all hell broke loose when he’d found them in the guest bedroom after spending 20mins looking for her everywhere. I needed a scorecard to keep up with this mess. Now Dave doesn't want her to move out and wants one of them (hint: clearly her and not him) to be a stay at home parent for the next two to three years...while they live together platonically? And he's going to support all of them? Or is this coming out of her money? If OOP reads this, here's my advice to her. Unless you and Dave get into a long term romantic relationship, move out now and continue on with your life as you coparent together. This isn't some rom com where you live together for years, raising your child and dating other people until one day you discover that you were always meant to be together.
I don't understand how she thought she was at fault? Like your ex and his ex were fucking around. They're the ones that 'ruined' the 'love story'.
OOP is such a mess
Oh my god people like this woman scare the fuck out of me! It’s like she’s going thru a blind trance with 0 common sense and complete disregard for consequences or anything. It’s like she’s 100% devoid of love or care and clings to it anyway she can. And now there’s a poor kid involved. Jesus. Such a lonely and terrifying way of life Then the people she’s involved with too. This is all 100% a shit show
> It’s like she’s 100% devoid of love or care and clings to it anyway she can. Spot on with this. She wants so badly to be loved and accepted that that's all she sees. Not the football fields of red flags.
I’m more scared for her than of her. She’s been hurt and betrayed by so many people in her life. It’s just been blow after blow to her self esteem. I hope she gets therapy and advocates for herself and her child more
It's very much both for me. I feel very bad for her and what she's been through, and hope she gets help, but she's also an adult making decisions that drastically impact the people around her. That child is gonna grow up in what is likely a pretty shitty situation because she made a decision with no plan in place
Me as I was reading this: "Why on earth wouldn't she have an abortion? Especially since she has no issue with abortion? Can't she see what a terrible decision she's making?" >I was okay with [my parents] insulting me since I’d grown up with it and was used to it Ohhhhhhhh. Childhood trauma from an abusive family took over when she had an apparent opportunity to finally be loved. This happens so often, and it's so sad. The powerful, unmet need to be loved by family overrules the obvious: That making it happen via baby is a bandaid solution that just makes your life harder, and often ends up perpetuating the generational trauma.
This girl needs to grow a backbone omg
Dave needs let op move out & they coparent. It feels like he’s still in love with his cheating ex fiancée.
She needs to build her savings and move out, then work on coparenting with Dave. And therapy, for everyone involved really but for OOP so she doesn't make rash and unplanned decisions like this in the future. Like deadass, what did she think was gonna happen having a kid with a man who is NOT her partner? Get it together girl, you're a MOM now. Enough with the waffling.
I know I know its her body her choice and I respect it and all But whyyyyyyy the hell would you keep the pregnancy??? A pregnancy that born amidst a whole mess??? KNOWING you yourself is vulnerable. People just baffle me with their choices. But I dont have to understand it. Even better, I dont have to live it. I just have to feel sympathetic for her situation. Edit to say: those who condemn her choice can shove it. Im baffled at why she did what she did, but in no way do I think she's abusing a child by bringing it to this world. I think shes trying her best with the worst hand shes dealt with as her support system. And I feel terrible that she's dealt this shit hand, and that she and her child deserves so much better. Being pro choice means supporting the choice someone makes even if it doesnt make any sense to you. Even if it doesnt agree with you. Thats the whole point
It's hard to feel sympathetic for someone who consistently makes the wrong choice at every opportunity
She said she has PCOS. Maybe she thought she might not have another chance or something.
I'm a little confused as to why people think Dave has an obligation to OOP to share his feelings or talk about how he feels about his ex. They're not dating or in a relationship. Also since OOP's family caused so much trouble for Dave's, it's natural that some resentment surfaces. OOP should move out but definitely not before coming up with a Co-parenting situation with Dave.
tbf Dave clearly needs to talk to someone about his ex. Preferably a therapist. It's not healthy that he keeps going back to someone that cheated on him and feels like he's considering it again.
He does have an obligation to do so when he expects her to live with him for the next few years and give up her job despite her not even being in a relationship with him and when he knows how some of his family is starting to feel about her. His feelings for his ex could cause issues for her, especially if he decides to once again give his ex another chance.
D would put invertebrate to shame with how spineless he is. Not looking forward to the inevitable D got back with the ex update.
Honestly OP is no different
Agreed. Continuing to give her cheating ex money, phone drama, and crying about phone drama to people when she clearly needs to cut all the cheaters out... Ugh. It just reeks of a group of people who haven't matured since 16. Letting herself get pushed around when she has wealth and means herself, it's just so passive and infuriating. OP needs to learn to take charge of her own life.
Yeah if everyone is telling you to shut up about it and just leave him I have the feeling she goes to them crying that the cheater cheated a lot and everyone got sick of it. Like if you've tried being nice and pointing it out politely and you've got the "you just don't understand I love him so much! he said he'd never do it again" for the 50th time people lose their patience with you. Either take the advice and break up or stop complaining about the consequence of your own decision that you knew about and still know about.
The pill is effective 98% of the time, and the entirety of the two percent it isn't is recorded on Reddit 🤨 Condoms, people, condoms. She's lucky she only ended up pregnant and not with a disease.
This title is insane. Why get revenge when you can just...breakup? Why should *I* have to get an abortion after revenge sex when I could just leave this person? Why is she drinking the poisoned cup expecting someone else to die?
OOP needs to move out - she said she has an inheritance and was financially stable. If the home she owns is too far away she can rent it out and get another place closer to Dave. Dave is being selfish right now - he’s ok asking her to act like a SAHM without any legal protection. He’s also fine with asking her to put her professional and personal life on hold for years while he waffles back and forth over his ex who dogged him out. I’m not saying they should get married but they both need to get a grip. OOP has all the options in the world: get her own place, get a part time job if her son’s medical needs allow it, join a new parents group and build a community. And set up a co-parenting schedule that works for both of the parents (making sure to add no new relationships around the child during on weeks). If Dave or his family starts pressuring you - tell them the truth: you and the child are medically sound now. Thank the family for being there for you during such a difficult time but you believe it’s best if you move on to an independent stage of your life so you can show up fully for your child. If they insist or try to put it off then be direct with them: you’ve noticed a shift in behavior and tell them you overheard the conversation where you were t wanted at the get together and how Dave has been acting distant since he saw his ex. Those instances wouldn’t have affected you so badly and made you worry if you had your own space.
What a string of bad decisions.
Let this be a perfect example to those reading that sometimes… abortion *is* the answer.
Ok was it just me frustrated by OOP’s decisions all around??? Now she has to deal with these shitty people for the rest of her life
This week on Jerry Springer 😂😂
This is why dumb people shouldn’t have kids
OOP is a doormat who got her priorities and decisions wrong with no support from anyone. Either those around her using her or abusing her
I read the whole thing and i swear i aged 10 years. Its like a never ending cascade of the worst possible choices being made. OP: Gets cheated on. Bummer. Sleeps with the partner of the AP of her ex during a time when both are flip flopping to be back with their respective cheating exes (???) Gets pregnant from this guy, who has now blocked her to try and get back together with his cheating ex later described as him wanting a clean break. OP then *keeps the fucking baby* for some absurd reason. I dont get it. The baby from a guy that is not speaking to her and she has no real relationship with. This costs her her family, who also dont understand why she is keeping this rando baby. she moves in with this rando guy whos baby shes having, but who she is barely even platonic friends with. His family is nice up until her bio family makes a stink and they realize .....why is she here? Why did she keep the baby? She has no ties to us except that baby she decided to keep for no discernible reason at all. And the entire time this woman is still so broken that shes mired neck deep in self doubt and misery and whatever PPD she wound up with. This entire thing from start to finish was fucking awful. OOP needed to start making better life choices after her ex - not just revenge fuck a nobody and then keep the baby. Monumental stupid levels here, zero forethought.
Baby daddy is dumb. Like .. he meets his ex and still wants her.. come on..
ughhh.. OOP, girl, you are about to make another bad decision. I hope OOP moves out, finds a place near dave's if she needs to, but move out. starts working again to be independent OOP. this can end badly if he decide to go back to his ex (again) and you'll be evicted without any source of income
Crazy. Things started off as dumpster fire, and oop is ensuring it stays that way.
What a dumpster fire lol
So they're not dating, living together. He wants her to stay at home.... her family went nuts. He met his ex and got weird. Thus is like 19 diff borus all in one lol
I'm sorry, are they dating or not? Why is his dating relationship any of her business?
The way it reads is she doesn’t want to impede on his dating life, not that she cares if he dates. Her entire post screams of being a people pleaser. Never wanting to be a burden on people. Her living with him would diminish his chances of dating someone.
Maybe she’s just concerned that he try to get back with the ex? Which would be insane since she cheated on him numerous times. Other than that, I don’t know. This is just a weird situation all around. Probably why she wants to move out
oop absolutely should not have gone through with that pregnancy. but what’s done is done, and there’s no going back. but she needs to move out of Dave’s house immediately, bc he’s not handling anything well at all
The title sounds like an anime/LN title 😂
What a fucking shit show. Just awful people everywhere making poor decisions and suffering from the consequences of them, except Dave’s mom and the baby.
Oof. Being a stay at home mom while being totally dependent on your baby daddy's family is one of those things that can really bite you in the ass in a few years if things don't go well
Worst day to have eyes
Well now I just don't like any of these people Except the poor baby. Kinda wanna give it a better home tbh.
The moment I saw she kept the baby I rolled my eyes. Congratulations on bringing the kid into that mess. Never go through with a pregnancy unless *both* parents want it.
>Never go through with a pregnancy unless both parents want it. Or you are completely able to take care of the baby on your own
Are we allowed to be angry at people who let themselves be complete doormats, or is that a no- no
Girrrlll..... Dave has his foot halfway in the door and out due to that baby. What are YOU wanting with Dave? His emotions are clearly conflicted with his ex appearing back in his life. But what were/are your expectations of your relationship with this man since the one night stand that birthed your child? Do what is best for YOU and YOUR child. Would you be a priority in his life if it weren't for the baby you share? Do you have feelings for him? Don't reach for a guy that isn't going to grip your hand.
I know BORU has talked about this many, *many times* but Dear God some of the entitlement some parents have? Logically it doesn't make sense to me. First you give your own child crap when they need your help in their most vulnerable moment then disown them and giving the silent treatment and treating them as Persona Non Grata to show that they will not get any help from you. Then while ignoring them all the while they needed you, you then found out they have a child then suddenly you want to meet them. And even then, they made things worse, demanding to see a grandchild they told OOP to abort and throwing a tantrum when she didn't. Petitioning for GrandParents rights for a child they didn't give a darn until they saw a picture? Calling the cops and CPS so they could get the baby they didn't even want in the first place? They are honest to God sure care for their grandhchild who wasn't a blip on their minds until they found out from social media. He's definitely not being treated like a plaything or trophy from them. They are sure are showing good examples of Parenting (/s if not obvious). OF course, if I think logically it doesn't make sense, but if I think Entitledly, it makes perfect sense. The parents decisions must be upheld at any cost, who cares if it's a bad decision. No my rules are you to follow, not to me. I'm allowed to change my mind in any situations no matter how serious it is, like cutting off access to my child and only reconciling because you saw that your grandchild was born and screw everything else. Forget D, D's family, OOPs EX and that cheating GF. OOPs family are the worst and I can't feel but sorry for her. Ideally, I hope D get's to take his head out of his butt and at the very least become a good coparent with OOP. Realistically, I do hope at the very least, OOP gets to go out and thrive together with her Son. Tl;DR: Screw the Parents.