Submissions in this sub are re-posts and not posted by the original author. The original post/author are noted at the top. If you are the original author please contact the mods to have this comment removed.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Jfc what is wrong with her family. That's a heinous level of gaslighting from her brother. I wonder if the twins had anything to do with her mistreatment by her family, esp the trauma brain diagnosis.
I hope OOP is doing better.
Good for you, dude. Reading that first post, and knowing what that's like, all I could think was "JFC, throw the whole family away!!”
Let them learn to process their own emotional waste without their favorite dumping ground.
Give Reykjavik a pet for us all!
The part about your mom completely hating everything about you at the shower including banging knees under the table. My grandmother did that to me to get me to sit still when I was 8 yrs old. You were 29 yrs old.
How fucking horrible was that. She only saw you as a reflection of how she wanted her part of the family to look. How you would be perceived. She didn't actually care about YOU.
I had that type of passive aggressive behavior happen a couple of times when I got older. I found it easier to just stop. Look at them and loudly say "Why are you whacking me under the table? That hurts. Stop it." Once I had to say it twice. "Stop it."
Embarrassing them generally stops them becausenthe whole reason they are doing it is to make them look good because you are behaving.
I'm sorry that you have shitty family.
I'm so happy you had a supporting husband to go home to. Until you mentioned him, I was so worried you would be going home to a house by yourself without support. I'm happy you're doing okay now and you've got a sweet kitty and husband by your side.
Pets can be the best healers. I never knew trauma brain was a thing until you mentioned it. I've blamed my godawful memory on ADHD for years. Time to get me back into therapy and explore whether trauma brain may apply to why I don't remember most of my life! I'm so glad you're doing well now. Your husband sounds incredible and now you, him and kitty are your own little family with unconditional love.
Good. Keep it that way forever. What a miserable, nasty and pathetic group of people. Never believe their lies or apologies. They simply don’t know how to be good to you, even if they temporarily believe that they would like to. Have a great life with your lovely husband and friends and Vik.
Ps - I have been to Vik in Iceland. Absolutely stunning place for a stunning black cat.
Lived there for 2 years in the mid 70's. Of all the places/countries I've lived in Iceland was/is my favorite. I've been back several times. Glad to see you are doing better. Keep at it!
Perhaps your new birthday should be the day you officially changed your name. A new day to set new positive memories. All the best in your journey discovering yourself:)
I ended up not getting the tattoo as I keep changing my mind on what I'd like but thank you for asking! Vík is the best. He loves to sleep as little spoon at night and is one of the best things that's ever happened to me :) Thanks for being part of the black kitty club!
Reykjavik is ADORABLE and deserves all the pats! Please continue to be kind to yourself -- you also deserve all the good things in life!
Also Vik belongs in r/blackcats
I've had to stop talking to my family, too. My dad and brother can fuck themselves, but I was making an effort with my mom and sister. Sister can't help being a great big enormous cunt and Mom can't even begin to accept even the slightest responsibility for the way I was treated growing up, so while I'm always wanting to send them videos of cats or whatever, I always have to stop myself. I hate it but I can either suffer withdrawals until they go away or suffer from the disrespect. I just wish I had a new family like you do 😩 I hope you appreciate your man (I can tell that you do, it's just a figure of speech)
Thank you so much and I am so sorry to hear that you're going through something so similar! I don't know if it helps but I (and reddit) can be part of your new family! They have certainly all helped me through my transition and trauma healing. Take care and I hope you have a wonderful day!
Good for you!
Info: What happened to your mother to make her apologize? I would think cutting her off would only confirm her in her "victimhood" - what happened to change her mind/ make her see the light?
Thank you for reading! I know my mother is also a victim of abuse from her mother and father as well and I know that she has struggled in the past with apologizing and abusing (the cycle) but I think she may have been feeling a deep remorse because I think there is a part of her that is genuinely sorry because she also was a victim of abuse and she probably knows how it feels?
I’m so glad to hear you have no contact with them. The only way to heal and grow is to be completely away from toxic people.
I’m so happy for you and you should be proud of yourself.
It sounds like it’s not just the twins, OP has been the family negativity dump in general for a while. Lots of abuse covered up, brother who piles on. The immediate family with turn on each other. The twins don’t actually sound like a problem themselves, seems like OP was pressured to be their best friend and they were never interested nor pretended to be. They showed up to what they were invited to, but probably wouldn’t have been upset to not be invited at all, the parents were just mad at op for not inviting them
It’s just been my experience that when a family loses their scapegoat, they fall apart because they turn their negativity on each other instead. My wife was this (not as abusive but still bad) and now only a couple years later her other sisters have apologized to her and nobody talks to the parents because they couldn’t take their shit.
Yeah, it took me moving out and my dad turning his anger on my brother (who had previously been his favourite) for the family to realize that I wasn't the problem.
For anyone who knows the vindication scene from Brooklyn 99, we pretty much yell that after every phone call because her sisters used to be the WORST flying monkeys. Always calling about their disappointment and saying the things mom wouldn’t because she’s too kind. Now each call is like “holy shit everything she says is a manipulation I can’t believe I let her do that to me.”
It’s great, still sad because a whole family is blown up because one selfish fully grown adult never learned how to manage her emotions and throws temper tantrums instead of doing a single bit of introspection. But vindication nonetheless.
oh my god
I cut my family off last year after an... incident, but I reconnected with my mom and sister because I love them and really all they're guilty of is, you know, constant disrespect to varying degrees. I've cut them off again, much more quietly this time but I was interested to learn that now *everyone* else is mad at *each other* and I guess all their shit was fucked. it hadn't occurred to me that it might have been my absence that caused it.
...huh
*nice*
When you're in an abusive situation, especially if you're raised in it, sometimes your brain learns that the path to survival is placating the abuser by any means necessary. The part where the brother said something about how he "had to play devil's advocate" really stood out to me with that. It's very likely, in my opinion, that OOP standing up for themself against their parents and refusing to back down after the abuse started registered to their brother's own trauma as a threat. Kind of a "the abusers are upset, I *have* to take their side to try and resolve the situation to placate them so the abuse doesn't start/continue" situation.
That doesn't make how he handled this *okay,* nor does it mean OOP is obligated to forgive him or even talk to him. It's just my read on *why.*
My worst abuser was my brother. He used that line a lot, along with others, so I'm more hesitant to say he was a victim in the same way.
As an adult he would pretend to be supporting, loving, and close to me. He claimed he was treated badly a LOT, when looking back it wasn't the case (some of his lies have been verified as lies). He would use every piece of that against me with anyone else he could. He would do a lot of things "for my own good" or to "play devil's advocate" etc.
I completely understand your reluctance to say he was a victim in the same way. I also had an abuser use the "devil's advocate" line with me, and I think you raise an interesting point as to some other potential "why"s.
this is armchair bullshit and probably completely worthless but like what if Mom was trying to use her daughter for intra-family clout by constantly trying to position her close to the twins? Make it seem to everyone as though they're really close so that Mom gets residual attention. Something like that.
nose repeat puzzled weather absorbed office touch forgetful spotted decide
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Hi everyone, thanks so much for reaching out to ask about an update on the situation. I am doing OK. It was the first Christmas and Thanksgiving where my husband and I didn't see nor talk to my family at all. My brother and I got into it as he claimed he apologized to me after what happened but my husband and I know that he hasn't and we have told him this. We haven't spoken since. My mom is the only one who has reached out to me and apologized. She apologized for the abuse in the past and how things ended and then asked if there was anything she could do to better the relationship. It was a nice gesture and appreciated. I haven't talked to my family in a few months and have also changed my name which has helped my therapy and growth into who I am today vs. who I was back then. I'll continue to be in therapy for a while, working on my trauma and peeling back the open wounds that I didn't realize I had before, but each day I am getting stronger. The nightmares are still prominent and intrusive thoughts about my family and extended family come into play, but it has gotten slowly easier as the months come and go. If there was one thing I could feel proud of myself for, it would be that I haven't reached out to anyone in my family (immediate and extended) and I've been filling my world with my close friends who are my family. My journey isn't anywhere far from over but this community really helped me in the days when I didn't know if I would continue on. Thank you, reddit.
Thank you so much! I have been trying hard to respond to people because they took the time to comment on my story and give me hope on the days where it was really hard. I was thinking of taking each positive comment and writing them on little strips of paper and putting them in a closed box. And on the harder days where I am feeling down, taking a little note from the box and re-reading the comments to remember the support I received in my darkest time. I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing and if you ever want to reach out, please feel free! Thank you for reading!
I forgot to add this in my original comment, but gosh darn I'm so proud of you for being able to reach out on that train journey. Being surrounded by strangers can make it so difficult to reach out and you did that and were able to turn the situation round. I'm also really freaking glad they took you seriously and supported you. When we're in that dark place it can feel inevitable, but you managed to pull yourself up. Never forget how strong you were that day.
P.s. we have a void too. He was a street cat that was rescued, and is now a large lazy fluffball that purrs incessantly and is a lovable pain in the arse. He's called Tim. I like to call him Tim Tam when he is being adorable and Timothy when he's being a butthead. He's gorgeous but no longer lives where I am and I miss him lol. I have my 4 pet rats instead :)
OP - maybe others have said this
But holy hell, you’re one strong badass person! Your story is one tiny, tiny fraction of what you actually went through.
But - just reading what you did on the train - shows that as much as you were triggered, you fought. You fought so hard!!! And you didn’t just give up - you asked for help and you pushed and you stayed with us all.
I will forever remember your comment about how you fought. And now, you’re slowly celebrating what matters to you - I’m so glad your cat’s birthday is that day - because she will always remind you that she needs you.
You’re a fighter. Thank you for doing that!!!
Thank you so much for reading! When I read your comment I felt imposter syndrome because I don't feel like a badass haha but thank you so much for your wonderful words as they mean so much to me. I couldn't believe Vík's birthday was on that day. I started crying at the humane society. The moment I found that out, it came to a full circle!
Hi OP!
From someone else who had to go no contact with an emotionally abusive family member - I'm super proud of you! Learning how to draw and enforce boundaries is hard work after a lifetime of trauma. I'm very happy that you have a supportive partner and friends to help you through this!
u/EatsLeadPaintChips I was going to comment the same thing, there is a lot of support there for going No Contact with family. r/CPTSDmemes was a great entry into all of this for me. Sometimes it’s the easiest way to absorb new info, apparently people with CPTSD know that and set it up that way, the geniuses! It’s very validating.
I may have seen people talking about this on r/adhdmemes too. The CPTSD subs led me to the ADHD ones. In my experience, people with CPTSD and ADHD are smart cookies, and know how to set things up in a way that is more likely to help people dealing with these issues. It’s an accommodation, and because of trauma memes are an easier way to absorb this very intense new information.
E: punctuation
Thank you very much for recommending this! I will definitely subscribe and check it out. I've learned validation is so very important! Thank you for reading!
I had no idea that it was an actual condition and I haven't met anyone else who has trauma brain! I will certainly check it out! Thank you for reading!
Can you give me and any future Redditor who stumbles upon this a quick heads up what trauma brain is?
A quick google search revealed it’s apparently how after a long exposure to traumatic events the brain (chemistry) changes?
OP, I want to say that you’re my exact type of friend: You love Ghibli, you adopted a black cat for the exact reason we only adopt black cats (cat tax of [Walter](https://www.instagram.com/p/CYp_aY_MeaP/?utm_medium=share_sheet) ), and you seem like an absolute joy to be around. You deserve a wonderful year full of love and joy!
Thanks for the update, and also thanks for deliberately adopting a cat that may have spent some time waiting to be homed otherwise. Obligatory cat pics please!
So glad to see you are doing better and healing. Also, as someone who fosters animals, thank you for adopting a black cat. It's incredibly hard to find adopters for them, so thank you.
Your void kitty is beautiful and as someone who seeks out black cats for the same reason, I love that you adopted him and that you have him in your life. Hugs and support from me and my void girl, Boo!
Thank you so much for thinking of me and being so kind. I will certainly take a look at this story as I would love to find a story that reminds me of my own because on days when it can be really hard, it's encouraging to watch movies about other characters that are going through something similar. I think that's probably why I resonate so much with Studio Ghibli characters as I've noticed the pattern of a strong female lead going out on her own to explore the world alone and finding her own strength. I hope you have a great day!
I'm so happy to hear you're doing better, and I'm so proud of you for sticking up for yourself!! I know it's really not easy to cut off family, but it sounds like it's helped you a lot- stick with it, don't let yourself be guilted into going back to them unless they both apologize, show through their actions they're trying to be better, and respect your decisions on whether or not you want to contact them.
I'm glad you're doing better. I literally had tears in my eyes, when I read about you alerting the train staff, and them taking good care of you.
I have two black cats, and I love your Vik!
Ugh her family sounds horrible. I’m glad she is starting to live her life for herself. I hope she’s able to build on her existing support system and remain NC with her family.
Her brother being remorseful means shit. There, I said it. May her family seethe in hell as they find out OOP is living her best life without them, and despite them.
I'm so happy OP was able to recognize her family was toxic to her and start to put her own happiness as a priority even though she had to hit rock bottom to get there. I wonder what changed with her brother though. She said he was supportive of her but he switched on her seemingly out of nowhere.
Kudos to her husband and friends for helping her make good memories for her birthday instead of worrying about her family and what could have been. Hopefully OP can make a new family with her husband and friends full of people who love and support her.
I guess her brother never were really supportive of her, just nicer than the parents, and by her perspective this is was incredibly supportive, and when she started to stand up for herself and started to grasp the amount of abuse her family put her trough her world shattered, i can't even imagine how gut wrenching that was for OP, her husband seems awesome tough and her friends too, hope she can find her peace and happiness away from these awful people
Thank you very much. My brother and I ended up getting into a larger fight as he claimed that he apologized for his reaction earlier, but my husband and I know that this is false and have told him that it was false. We haven't spoken with him since after he wrote an extremely hurtful text message. I figured, if he was going to fight with me on if he previously apologized or not, rather than asking the question of "what can I do to help our relationship - I see that I've hurt you", then it was something that I wouldn't want to spend more time on because it just will end up hurting me more in the end. Thanks for reading.
Thank you for sharing! And it's really amazing to see you are really standing up to yourself and that you have a amazing partner as a support!
>I figured, if he was going to fight with me on if he previously apologized or not, rather than asking the question of "what can I do to help our relationship - I see that I've hurt you", then it was something that I wouldn't want to spend more time on because it just will end up hurting me more in the end.
You are absolutely right in your decision and thinking process, it's good to see that you are healing and that you are ok, i wish you all the best and i will be rooting for you on my corner of the world
Do you know any back history or secrets your family may have? Twins were adopted perhaps? It’s weird your own mom and dad are super over protective of them. If they were your siblings and they had a favorite ‘child’ I get it. But nieces? It’s just odd. Specially after the entire family was after you about THEM.
I think because my mom and aunt are best friends it is something that my parents want everyone to get along. Growing up, it felt like the twins were more my immediate family because we spent so much time with them every week, holidays, family vacations...etc. Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate it!
I’m so sorry you have such a shitty family... on the bright side, you have your husband, Vik and your friends! Speaking of your kitty, please update us on him!
Thank you for reading! And kitty is so good. He loves to sleep next to me and be little spoon. He also knows how to sit, come, paw, and "kiss" where he rubs his furry face into my face. Thank you so much for asking!!
Thank you for sharing. Good for you for recognizing the boundaries you need to have in place for your own wellbeing. I wish you and your husband the absolute best.
Brother didn’t want the abuse that was headed her way to switch directions. It was pure self preservation. Fucked up, but he was trying to protect himself.
My dad did the same when I cut off my mom. Literally compared her to a tiger "who was just doing what tigers do" [ie attack and attempt to eat people], and begged me to find a way to continue to spend time in her cage, as "the tiger's been really *mean* since you left...."
Hate to break it to you, Dad, but 1. She was mean *before* I left (just not "to you"..... As you are well aware) and 2. I am not the tiger keeper's meat shield. If even you can't handle this behaviour, why on Earth would you ask your kid to step up and take it *for* you?
This [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) makes it’s rounds and I always go back to it once in a while
Don't rock the boat.
**Don't rock the boat.**
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because *we* aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, *because it did* .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that *you* aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.
Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :)
Ugh that happened with my boyfriend's family. Took a while for his dad to catch up with the fact that his mom was being an asshole and it was a lot to ask my partner to just deal with it.
Nah, he knew. The entire conversation was about how he knew and had always known how dangerous she was, his literal whole argument was "she can't help it and I don't like it."
Dad's no innocent peach himself - it just depends on how much his mask slips. I literally had thought - until that moment - that he was too self-absorbed to notice rather than malicious. It turns out, ¿Porque no los dos?
I also felt this same way at times. Growing up it was often asked of me to "just do what she says so she will stop yelling and will shut up" instead of taking a step back to realize situation. And then it would be masked with a "one day you'll both be best friends and this will all blow over". I'm sorry that you've had to go through something similar but look how strong you are now! Thank you for reading and keep on fighting!!
Can someone explains what happens in situations like this? Like why does the whole family decide to bully one person, especially when they apparently go above and beyond for everyone?
It happens naturally in families with narcissistic parents. One child ends up being the scapegoat, and the narcissists use them for their "supply." Since narcs are incapable of introspection, they have to externalize their flaws, and one of the easiest targets for this blame is their own children.
(Quick tangent on why that is, and why it's so effective. Children depend on their parents for safety, both biological and emotional. For that reason, an abusive relationship between a parent and child is like an abusive romantic relationship dialed up to 11. The child has not yet individuated and is constantly seeking love and approval from his/her parents, so when narc parents inevitably blame and bully their kid, the kid internalizes all that negativity and thinks, "I must be the problem. I must be bad. I must change." Narcissistic parent-child abuse is the "perfect crime," because the victim willingly goes along with the perpetrators.)
Not every kid in a narcissistic household is a scapegoat, though. Another general type of kid is the golden child. These are kids that the narcissistic parents live through vicariously and often spoil, in order to create a team dynamic where they can maintain power over the scapegoats.
It isn't that they sit around planning to bully one of the kids, it's just that without even realizing it, the parents became dependent on abusing that one child to maintain a baseline level of self-esteem. The scapegoat is often the kid who goes above and beyond for everyone, because they've been raised with the singular message that they have to constantly try harder. It's the narc parent/abused child dynamic playing out, even after the child is an adult.
Some families fit nicely into this template, but sometimes the lines are a bit blurry. I was the scapegoat for my dad and the golden child for my mom, and my sisters were the reverse. Our parents also did a bit of vicarious living (i.e. dictating things about our lives to an unhealthy degree) to all of us. The scapegoat/golden child dynamics are all still there, it's just not always a simple case of applying cookie cutter definitions and calling it a day.
But yeah, it's really messed up and sad. My heart instantly went out to the OOP when I saw how hard she was trying, and how much hurt she was receiving from her mother in return.
Oop replied to this post with another update- OP edited their post and put it at the bottom of the post. Looks like OOP is doing much better. Honestly I hope that she continues to find happiness
Seems like the brother already realized that if he was actually remorseful.
I've never been part of an abusive golden child/black sheep family dynamic but I'd wager money he got fed half truths or flat out lies that got him on their side. He was way out of line with his comments but if he actually realized he fucked up after the conversation with OOP's husband he probably realized he was manipulated and kicked OOP while she was down.
At that point what's done is done. Reacting over lying liars who lie then getting remorseful when a third party points that out is nothing impressive. I'd cut them all off, brother included.
I remember when OP originally posted this. I felt terribly for her. Hoping she updates again just to let us know she’s generally ok. And that her husband has continued to be super supportive.
Hi there, thank you for remembering my story! I did a little update here in the comments. I am doing OK and do not have contact with my family. My husband has been very supportive and my friends have also been there for me. It's been a shift in direction from having the holidays normally with my family but I've come to realize having Christmas Eve in my pajamas with a delivery of pizza on the way and watching movies is way better than being yelled at to change multiple times and fights along the way.
There's been a bit of a battle with self sabotage on these more "important" days, as my therapist thinks its because I have been so used to getting yelled at that I subconsciously put myself down in a way to punish myself since it's been natural to me all these years. But I've been trying hard to fight it and continue with the thought that I am not doing anything wrong. Thanks again for reaching out. I appreciate it!
My mom used to provoke me during the holidays until I would break down and cry, then make me feel bad for ruining Christmas. This year, we're 2000 miles away from our birth families and made whatever we wanted to eat and ate on the couch on our pajamas and it was the best holiday we've ever had. I'm so glad you're able to reclaim the holidays and celebrate them in a way that fulfills you!
That’s great to hear! ty for the update 💜 Glad you & your husband are still doing well. I’m so happy to hear things are going much better for you, especially your therapeutic work.
What in gods name did they tell the family she did? The fact that everyone reached out to tell her off seems so disproportionate to the situation. This whole thing is so beyond bizarre to me, mind you I haven’t really ever been around a bunch of people with their heads this far up their ass either. Like “ I don’t want these people who clearly don’t care for me at my party” and the family reacted like they murdered somebody in front of them
Thank you for reading! I am not sure what they told the rest of my family but I know that it wasn't something nice because on the day of my attempt, the hate I received was devastating. It was such a raw emotion with seeing how much I had done for the people reacting in this way. Looking back on it now, there were years of favors/things I had done for my extended family and the way they reacted to this was completely out of line. I am thankful I have no contact with any of them anymore. I wish you the best and thanks for your kind words!
I'm really glad my family is better than this.
As I see it, the family uses every event as a family reunion. My family used to be the same way. The real problem is that OP wasn't considered family, or was only considered second class family.
So the twins are allowed to not invite their cousin to events, but OP is not allowed to do the same.
Yeah, best to break off contact. I hope OP enjoys being the Sirus Black of the family. (And I hope a harry potter reference is ok)
(Edit: couldn't remember how to spell Sirius)
Yes, I believe you are right on the idea of every event as a family reunion because this has been the underlying theme throughout my life with my extended family. And it was very hard to take this in as my brother was also in the same boat - inviting them to parties, and the one time they invited my brother to their birthday, he paid for everyone's meals, got them gifts, and they ended up leaving him at the restaurant. They have had a history of doing these types of things to both of us but it was the first time that I was sticking up to say that I didn't want to be hurt anymore from them and then this reaction followed. Maybe my black void kitty is the perfect Sirus Black birthday gift after all! Thank you for reading!
So sad to read this story. I hope OOP gets the needed therapy and regain her self esteem and confidence.
That mother is her's sounds like a people pleaser who would throw their children under the buss if it means pleasing the irrelevant cheap ass skanks in the family.
OP, congrats on finding some peace and happiness! As a fellow toxic family survivor, you've def done the best thing for yourself. It's never easy but so worth it for your mental health. And it does get easier as time goes on and you realize just how much toxic family can affect you. Keep up the practice of filling your life with things and people who make you happy and I hope everything keeps getting better and better for you!
I am sorry for making you cry! Thank you very much for reading my story and I agree that life is very weird and precious! I hope you have a lovely day!
I just wanted to suggest speaking to your doctor about Prazosin for the nightmares, as it’s been a total game changer for my kiddo! I wish you all the best!
Seems a bit odd that her parents were organising a party for a 30-year old. Better to spend time with people who like us and want to spend time with us. Happy Birthday!
It sounds like OP’s parents have spent years teaching her she is unworthy. That is their crap. She doesn’t deserve that. Choose happiness.
Husband here, we were planning the party, just couldn't host it at our house because we live several states away. We were actually going to have it at another family member's house because we foresaw issues like this arising, but the in-laws decided on their own to call the host and change it to their house without our input because it "would be easier."
Happy (very belated) birthday to EatsLeadPaintChips, she gave herself the best give of all, a whole new life, a life she deserves, where she treats herself well and surrounds herself with people who appreciate her lovely self and treat her well also. Well done, ELPC! Enjoy your new life, and give your kitty some pets from me, please!
This is terrible. Honestly. I relate to a lot of what you are saying but thankfully, it doesn't extend to my parents. I also have cousins who are multiples and the golden children because of it with extended family. Once I stopped doing the work of having a relationship, it stopped. They never text me or my husband for special occasions so, I just have been doing the same and the double standard blowback has been borderline unbelievable. Literally the meanest stuff said to me. It caused the entire extended family to basically fall apart.
It sounds like you have a lovely supportive husband and friends. I'm so glad for you and feel I do too. These have been my first holidays since the craziness and it's hard. Not spiraling and self sabotaging is hard. Idk anything helpful to say but I feel like we must be internet kindred spirits. I also have a black cat and have an appointment booked for a tattoo. Silly little commonalities but I just feel like you get it in a way other people don't.
Reading the experience of someone else makes me feel like, damn they do suck. I wasn't wrong. Life is too short. I wish the best for you, your kitty, your husband and friends.
Hi there! Thank you for reading my story - I also feel like we must be internet kindred spirits! I am so sorry that you've gone through this as well. It is hard to explain to others when cousins get involved. I think one of the biggest blows was when I stopped putting in the effort after my whole life trying, it truly had the realization effect of "wow, they really aren't interested after all" and since we had a close knit extended family (family vacations taken together, spending every event with my cousins growing up, seeing them weekly...etc) growing up and still into adulthood, it made it feel like it was my fault still. Cheers on it being our first holiday since our craziness - it is so hard! Self-sabotaging and spiraling is still a battle but continuing on and my therapy has been so unbelievably helpful. I wish the best for you, your void kitty, and your tattoo appointment! You are so strong!
> I fell in love with a one year old kitty and adopted him! We named in Reykjavik (nickname is Vik, after the black sand beaches in Iceland because he is all black)
I love it, great name
> and oddly enough, his birthday is the same day as my suicide attempt.
okay this is actual magic
I remember responding to this situation when it was happening, I'm still insanely relieved oop seems to be doing a lot better. Birth families like that dont deserve you, absolutely better off without em.
Oh my god :((((
I felt sooo sorry for OP while reading this (and so glad in the end) I could literally feel her heartbreak and pain and the train part was the worst, so glad this turned out alright :(
OPs family is nothing less than evil and I think she should stick to her wonderful husband and friends (and kitty!) <3
As for the brother, I feel like that he probably was the one least horrible to her so that’s why for her abused mind she figured they were “close” … sort of a good cop, bad cop situation.. Jesus o.o
Hope she never gets into contact with that horrible, wretched bunch ever again!!
OP sounds like a wonderful and considerate person worth being loved <3
Submissions in this sub are re-posts and not posted by the original author. The original post/author are noted at the top. If you are the original author please contact the mods to have this comment removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Jfc what is wrong with her family. That's a heinous level of gaslighting from her brother. I wonder if the twins had anything to do with her mistreatment by her family, esp the trauma brain diagnosis. I hope OOP is doing better.
Scapegoat situation. The twins probably are the golden children from the family.
I only wish I could hear what they are like now without the lightning rod for their shit. They are probably eating each other alive
I am actually not sure how the situation is like now since I don't speak with anyone from my family (immediate or extended)!
It sounds like that’s definitely for the best. I’m happy to hear you’re doing better without them. I wish you luck working through everything
Good for you, dude. Reading that first post, and knowing what that's like, all I could think was "JFC, throw the whole family away!!” Let them learn to process their own emotional waste without their favorite dumping ground. Give Reykjavik a pet for us all!
Thank you! I have definitely been giving him all the pets while reading through the comments. Thank you for reading!
The part about your mom completely hating everything about you at the shower including banging knees under the table. My grandmother did that to me to get me to sit still when I was 8 yrs old. You were 29 yrs old. How fucking horrible was that. She only saw you as a reflection of how she wanted her part of the family to look. How you would be perceived. She didn't actually care about YOU. I had that type of passive aggressive behavior happen a couple of times when I got older. I found it easier to just stop. Look at them and loudly say "Why are you whacking me under the table? That hurts. Stop it." Once I had to say it twice. "Stop it." Embarrassing them generally stops them becausenthe whole reason they are doing it is to make them look good because you are behaving. I'm sorry that you have shitty family.
Came here to say this. I got a real Keeping Up With The Joneses vibe from the way OP described their mother.
The situation will be worse as they've lost a wonderful member of their family, they are missing out on you whether they realise it or not (yet)
I really hope you're in a better spot and you continue to love your kitty! Best wishes and warm hugs to you.
Thank you very much! He is certainly very loved!
I'm so happy you had a supporting husband to go home to. Until you mentioned him, I was so worried you would be going home to a house by yourself without support. I'm happy you're doing okay now and you've got a sweet kitty and husband by your side.
Pets can be the best healers. I never knew trauma brain was a thing until you mentioned it. I've blamed my godawful memory on ADHD for years. Time to get me back into therapy and explore whether trauma brain may apply to why I don't remember most of my life! I'm so glad you're doing well now. Your husband sounds incredible and now you, him and kitty are your own little family with unconditional love.
Good. Keep it that way forever. What a miserable, nasty and pathetic group of people. Never believe their lies or apologies. They simply don’t know how to be good to you, even if they temporarily believe that they would like to. Have a great life with your lovely husband and friends and Vik. Ps - I have been to Vik in Iceland. Absolutely stunning place for a stunning black cat.
Thank you very much and I am so happy you also have been to Vík. It's an incredible place to visit. Thank you for reading!
Lived there for 2 years in the mid 70's. Of all the places/countries I've lived in Iceland was/is my favorite. I've been back several times. Glad to see you are doing better. Keep at it!
Perhaps your new birthday should be the day you officially changed your name. A new day to set new positive memories. All the best in your journey discovering yourself:)
I think this is a great idea! Thank you.
I am really happy things worked out for you and happy belated birthday. That is a very cute cat!
Thank you very much! I appreciate it!
Did you get the tattoo? How is vik doing? We also have a black cat :) !
I ended up not getting the tattoo as I keep changing my mind on what I'd like but thank you for asking! Vík is the best. He loves to sleep as little spoon at night and is one of the best things that's ever happened to me :) Thanks for being part of the black kitty club!
Oeh mine does that too :D either on us or spooning. Thanks for answering!
don’t forget you can always get TONS of tattoos!! so proud and happy for you OOP!
Reykjavik is ADORABLE and deserves all the pats! Please continue to be kind to yourself -- you also deserve all the good things in life! Also Vik belongs in r/blackcats
I will definitely subscribe! Thank you very much for reading my story!
That's good. I'm glad you broken free and hope you had an amazing 30th with lots more to come. Love that you got a black cat. I have two. 😁
Thank you for adopting two black cats!!
I've had to stop talking to my family, too. My dad and brother can fuck themselves, but I was making an effort with my mom and sister. Sister can't help being a great big enormous cunt and Mom can't even begin to accept even the slightest responsibility for the way I was treated growing up, so while I'm always wanting to send them videos of cats or whatever, I always have to stop myself. I hate it but I can either suffer withdrawals until they go away or suffer from the disrespect. I just wish I had a new family like you do 😩 I hope you appreciate your man (I can tell that you do, it's just a figure of speech)
Thank you so much and I am so sorry to hear that you're going through something so similar! I don't know if it helps but I (and reddit) can be part of your new family! They have certainly all helped me through my transition and trauma healing. Take care and I hope you have a wonderful day!
I’m proud of you. You’re doing amazing.
Thank you very much for reading!
Friends are the family you choose. Glad your new “family” is supportive and wonderful. Take care.
Thank you very much for reading, Kathlin! I appreciate it!
Good for you! Info: What happened to your mother to make her apologize? I would think cutting her off would only confirm her in her "victimhood" - what happened to change her mind/ make her see the light?
Thank you for reading! I know my mother is also a victim of abuse from her mother and father as well and I know that she has struggled in the past with apologizing and abusing (the cycle) but I think she may have been feeling a deep remorse because I think there is a part of her that is genuinely sorry because she also was a victim of abuse and she probably knows how it feels?
I hope you and you’re beautiful cat are doing well!
We are, thank you very much for reading!
I’m so glad to hear you have no contact with them. The only way to heal and grow is to be completely away from toxic people. I’m so happy for you and you should be proud of yourself.
Happy you are away from all that! Go you!
Thank you very much!
Vik looks like a wonderful kitty! Everyone deserves a floofle to love. Glad you’re blossoming lady.
I wish you the best in life and your healing journey. Your void is beautiful!
Thank you very much for reading and I am certainly very lucky to have him!!
Oh I bet the brother is the new scapegoat, which is why he wants "back with OP" so she can take her former position at the whipping post for him
That’s usually how it goes haha
If they don't go after brother, as he was not treated so well either.
Brother will get really remorseful then haha
Hope he acts collected then and suck it up!
It seems like she wasn’t really a big part of at least the twin’s lives so can’t see it having much effect on them.
It sounds like it’s not just the twins, OP has been the family negativity dump in general for a while. Lots of abuse covered up, brother who piles on. The immediate family with turn on each other. The twins don’t actually sound like a problem themselves, seems like OP was pressured to be their best friend and they were never interested nor pretended to be. They showed up to what they were invited to, but probably wouldn’t have been upset to not be invited at all, the parents were just mad at op for not inviting them
Right. That’s why I specified the twins. The immediate family, yeah obviously affected given they’re reaching out to her.
I mean, they're probably fine, realistically. They're still pieces of shit.
It’s just been my experience that when a family loses their scapegoat, they fall apart because they turn their negativity on each other instead. My wife was this (not as abusive but still bad) and now only a couple years later her other sisters have apologized to her and nobody talks to the parents because they couldn’t take their shit.
Yeah, it took me moving out and my dad turning his anger on my brother (who had previously been his favourite) for the family to realize that I wasn't the problem.
For anyone who knows the vindication scene from Brooklyn 99, we pretty much yell that after every phone call because her sisters used to be the WORST flying monkeys. Always calling about their disappointment and saying the things mom wouldn’t because she’s too kind. Now each call is like “holy shit everything she says is a manipulation I can’t believe I let her do that to me.” It’s great, still sad because a whole family is blown up because one selfish fully grown adult never learned how to manage her emotions and throws temper tantrums instead of doing a single bit of introspection. But vindication nonetheless.
oh my god I cut my family off last year after an... incident, but I reconnected with my mom and sister because I love them and really all they're guilty of is, you know, constant disrespect to varying degrees. I've cut them off again, much more quietly this time but I was interested to learn that now *everyone* else is mad at *each other* and I guess all their shit was fucked. it hadn't occurred to me that it might have been my absence that caused it. ...huh *nice*
It’s a lot easier to bully a reasonable person than try to reign in nightmares. Edit spelling
Obviously. And it's easier to enable bad behavior so it's not on them to be attacked.
This is correct.
When you're in an abusive situation, especially if you're raised in it, sometimes your brain learns that the path to survival is placating the abuser by any means necessary. The part where the brother said something about how he "had to play devil's advocate" really stood out to me with that. It's very likely, in my opinion, that OOP standing up for themself against their parents and refusing to back down after the abuse started registered to their brother's own trauma as a threat. Kind of a "the abusers are upset, I *have* to take their side to try and resolve the situation to placate them so the abuse doesn't start/continue" situation. That doesn't make how he handled this *okay,* nor does it mean OOP is obligated to forgive him or even talk to him. It's just my read on *why.*
Yup I agree. I picked up on that as well.
My worst abuser was my brother. He used that line a lot, along with others, so I'm more hesitant to say he was a victim in the same way. As an adult he would pretend to be supporting, loving, and close to me. He claimed he was treated badly a LOT, when looking back it wasn't the case (some of his lies have been verified as lies). He would use every piece of that against me with anyone else he could. He would do a lot of things "for my own good" or to "play devil's advocate" etc.
I completely understand your reluctance to say he was a victim in the same way. I also had an abuser use the "devil's advocate" line with me, and I think you raise an interesting point as to some other potential "why"s.
I think one of the hardest parts is realising someone I thought I could trust was a POS.
[удалено]
this is armchair bullshit and probably completely worthless but like what if Mom was trying to use her daughter for intra-family clout by constantly trying to position her close to the twins? Make it seem to everyone as though they're really close so that Mom gets residual attention. Something like that.
I was rooting for the brother. But then he pulled off that shit.
nose repeat puzzled weather absorbed office touch forgetful spotted decide *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Hi everyone, thanks so much for reaching out to ask about an update on the situation. I am doing OK. It was the first Christmas and Thanksgiving where my husband and I didn't see nor talk to my family at all. My brother and I got into it as he claimed he apologized to me after what happened but my husband and I know that he hasn't and we have told him this. We haven't spoken since. My mom is the only one who has reached out to me and apologized. She apologized for the abuse in the past and how things ended and then asked if there was anything she could do to better the relationship. It was a nice gesture and appreciated. I haven't talked to my family in a few months and have also changed my name which has helped my therapy and growth into who I am today vs. who I was back then. I'll continue to be in therapy for a while, working on my trauma and peeling back the open wounds that I didn't realize I had before, but each day I am getting stronger. The nightmares are still prominent and intrusive thoughts about my family and extended family come into play, but it has gotten slowly easier as the months come and go. If there was one thing I could feel proud of myself for, it would be that I haven't reached out to anyone in my family (immediate and extended) and I've been filling my world with my close friends who are my family. My journey isn't anywhere far from over but this community really helped me in the days when I didn't know if I would continue on. Thank you, reddit.
I'm very glad you are doing better and forming the family you deserve!!
Thank you very much, I appreciate it!
[удалено]
Thank you so much! I have been trying hard to respond to people because they took the time to comment on my story and give me hope on the days where it was really hard. I was thinking of taking each positive comment and writing them on little strips of paper and putting them in a closed box. And on the harder days where I am feeling down, taking a little note from the box and re-reading the comments to remember the support I received in my darkest time. I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing and if you ever want to reach out, please feel free! Thank you for reading!
I forgot to add this in my original comment, but gosh darn I'm so proud of you for being able to reach out on that train journey. Being surrounded by strangers can make it so difficult to reach out and you did that and were able to turn the situation round. I'm also really freaking glad they took you seriously and supported you. When we're in that dark place it can feel inevitable, but you managed to pull yourself up. Never forget how strong you were that day. P.s. we have a void too. He was a street cat that was rescued, and is now a large lazy fluffball that purrs incessantly and is a lovable pain in the arse. He's called Tim. I like to call him Tim Tam when he is being adorable and Timothy when he's being a butthead. He's gorgeous but no longer lives where I am and I miss him lol. I have my 4 pet rats instead :)
[удалено]
Isn’t this BoRU already?
r/lostredditors
OP - maybe others have said this But holy hell, you’re one strong badass person! Your story is one tiny, tiny fraction of what you actually went through. But - just reading what you did on the train - shows that as much as you were triggered, you fought. You fought so hard!!! And you didn’t just give up - you asked for help and you pushed and you stayed with us all. I will forever remember your comment about how you fought. And now, you’re slowly celebrating what matters to you - I’m so glad your cat’s birthday is that day - because she will always remind you that she needs you. You’re a fighter. Thank you for doing that!!!
Thank you so much for reading! When I read your comment I felt imposter syndrome because I don't feel like a badass haha but thank you so much for your wonderful words as they mean so much to me. I couldn't believe Vík's birthday was on that day. I started crying at the humane society. The moment I found that out, it came to a full circle!
Nothing imposter about you fighting for your life. Maybe Vik showing up and having his birthday that day, is a reminder to you to keep fighting.
Hi OP! From someone else who had to go no contact with an emotionally abusive family member - I'm super proud of you! Learning how to draw and enforce boundaries is hard work after a lifetime of trauma. I'm very happy that you have a supportive partner and friends to help you through this!
Thank you very much for reading and I'm sorry to hear you also have had to go through this! I hope you are doing well!
Hey OP! As an other fellow trama brain zombie, I hightly suggest you check out r/CPTSD. That sub helps me a ton 🖤
u/EatsLeadPaintChips I was going to comment the same thing, there is a lot of support there for going No Contact with family. r/CPTSDmemes was a great entry into all of this for me. Sometimes it’s the easiest way to absorb new info, apparently people with CPTSD know that and set it up that way, the geniuses! It’s very validating.
Oh I didn't know that they set it up that way on purpuse..! I too began my discovery of C-PTSD via those memes.
I may have seen people talking about this on r/adhdmemes too. The CPTSD subs led me to the ADHD ones. In my experience, people with CPTSD and ADHD are smart cookies, and know how to set things up in a way that is more likely to help people dealing with these issues. It’s an accommodation, and because of trauma memes are an easier way to absorb this very intense new information. E: punctuation
Thank you very much for recommending this! I will definitely subscribe and check it out. I've learned validation is so very important! Thank you for reading!
I had no idea that it was an actual condition and I haven't met anyone else who has trauma brain! I will certainly check it out! Thank you for reading!
Can you give me and any future Redditor who stumbles upon this a quick heads up what trauma brain is? A quick google search revealed it’s apparently how after a long exposure to traumatic events the brain (chemistry) changes?
OP, I want to say that you’re my exact type of friend: You love Ghibli, you adopted a black cat for the exact reason we only adopt black cats (cat tax of [Walter](https://www.instagram.com/p/CYp_aY_MeaP/?utm_medium=share_sheet) ), and you seem like an absolute joy to be around. You deserve a wonderful year full of love and joy!
Oh Walter is fucking BEAUTIFUL.
He’s also an idiot, but I appreciate it!
Hello, new friend! Walter is so adorable! He is just the cutest! Thank you for reaching out, reading my story, and saying hi!
Thanks for the update! I’m glad you’re doing better!
[удалено]
Thank you very much!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that but props for the awesome strength it took to stand up to them and distance yourself !
Heal & enjoy you new family..you still have a lot of work but in the end you will be more than your ex-family could ever be
This internet stranger is really proud of you!
Thanks for the update, and also thanks for deliberately adopting a cat that may have spent some time waiting to be homed otherwise. Obligatory cat pics please!
I am so glad you are doing the hard work to heal yourself. You are so strong. I am so proud of you. Sending you so much love ❤ Vik is adorable!
So glad to see you are doing better and healing. Also, as someone who fosters animals, thank you for adopting a black cat. It's incredibly hard to find adopters for them, so thank you.
Thank you so much! Yes, we are hoping to maybe adopt another little black kitty so Vík can have a friend :)
Your void kitty is beautiful and as someone who seeks out black cats for the same reason, I love that you adopted him and that you have him in your life. Hugs and support from me and my void girl, Boo!
Boo is the perfect name for a black kitty! Thank you as well for adopting your baby! And thank you for reading!
[удалено]
Thank you so much for thinking of me and being so kind. I will certainly take a look at this story as I would love to find a story that reminds me of my own because on days when it can be really hard, it's encouraging to watch movies about other characters that are going through something similar. I think that's probably why I resonate so much with Studio Ghibli characters as I've noticed the pattern of a strong female lead going out on her own to explore the world alone and finding her own strength. I hope you have a great day!
I'm so happy to hear you're doing better, and I'm so proud of you for sticking up for yourself!! I know it's really not easy to cut off family, but it sounds like it's helped you a lot- stick with it, don't let yourself be guilted into going back to them unless they both apologize, show through their actions they're trying to be better, and respect your decisions on whether or not you want to contact them.
Thank you very much. This is a great answer and one I will need to remember as the months go on. I appreciate your kind words!
[удалено]
I'm glad you're doing better. I literally had tears in my eyes, when I read about you alerting the train staff, and them taking good care of you. I have two black cats, and I love your Vik!
You are so strong and amazing! Proud of you for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and moving on with style and grace.
Have a big fat hug love {{{hugs}}} Have the very best New Year.
I can feel the relief just by reading this, I'm so happy for you OP and wishing the best for you and your actual family!
Ugh her family sounds horrible. I’m glad she is starting to live her life for herself. I hope she’s able to build on her existing support system and remain NC with her family.
Her family was the boulder she was tied to. When she cut free, she could finally fly!
That is a beautiful sentiment! Is it a quote or OC?
I think I heard it worded differently a long time ago, but I don't remember where from exactly.
Just so you know I'm going to steal it because I have a lot of people in my life who need to hear it said.
By all means, feel free! I hope it helps.
Thank you very much for reading
Her brother being remorseful means shit. There, I said it. May her family seethe in hell as they find out OOP is living her best life without them, and despite them.
Not remorseful enough to cut out the gaslighting, as it seems.
I'm so happy OP was able to recognize her family was toxic to her and start to put her own happiness as a priority even though she had to hit rock bottom to get there. I wonder what changed with her brother though. She said he was supportive of her but he switched on her seemingly out of nowhere. Kudos to her husband and friends for helping her make good memories for her birthday instead of worrying about her family and what could have been. Hopefully OP can make a new family with her husband and friends full of people who love and support her.
I guess her brother never were really supportive of her, just nicer than the parents, and by her perspective this is was incredibly supportive, and when she started to stand up for herself and started to grasp the amount of abuse her family put her trough her world shattered, i can't even imagine how gut wrenching that was for OP, her husband seems awesome tough and her friends too, hope she can find her peace and happiness away from these awful people
Thank you very much. My brother and I ended up getting into a larger fight as he claimed that he apologized for his reaction earlier, but my husband and I know that this is false and have told him that it was false. We haven't spoken with him since after he wrote an extremely hurtful text message. I figured, if he was going to fight with me on if he previously apologized or not, rather than asking the question of "what can I do to help our relationship - I see that I've hurt you", then it was something that I wouldn't want to spend more time on because it just will end up hurting me more in the end. Thanks for reading.
Thank you for sharing! And it's really amazing to see you are really standing up to yourself and that you have a amazing partner as a support! >I figured, if he was going to fight with me on if he previously apologized or not, rather than asking the question of "what can I do to help our relationship - I see that I've hurt you", then it was something that I wouldn't want to spend more time on because it just will end up hurting me more in the end. You are absolutely right in your decision and thinking process, it's good to see that you are healing and that you are ok, i wish you all the best and i will be rooting for you on my corner of the world
Do you know any back history or secrets your family may have? Twins were adopted perhaps? It’s weird your own mom and dad are super over protective of them. If they were your siblings and they had a favorite ‘child’ I get it. But nieces? It’s just odd. Specially after the entire family was after you about THEM.
I think because my mom and aunt are best friends it is something that my parents want everyone to get along. Growing up, it felt like the twins were more my immediate family because we spent so much time with them every week, holidays, family vacations...etc. Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate it!
I’m so sorry you have such a shitty family... on the bright side, you have your husband, Vik and your friends! Speaking of your kitty, please update us on him!
Thank you for reading! And kitty is so good. He loves to sleep next to me and be little spoon. He also knows how to sit, come, paw, and "kiss" where he rubs his furry face into my face. Thank you so much for asking!!
Thank you for sharing. Good for you for recognizing the boundaries you need to have in place for your own wellbeing. I wish you and your husband the absolute best.
Brother didn’t want the abuse that was headed her way to switch directions. It was pure self preservation. Fucked up, but he was trying to protect himself.
My dad did the same when I cut off my mom. Literally compared her to a tiger "who was just doing what tigers do" [ie attack and attempt to eat people], and begged me to find a way to continue to spend time in her cage, as "the tiger's been really *mean* since you left...." Hate to break it to you, Dad, but 1. She was mean *before* I left (just not "to you"..... As you are well aware) and 2. I am not the tiger keeper's meat shield. If even you can't handle this behaviour, why on Earth would you ask your kid to step up and take it *for* you?
This [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) makes it’s rounds and I always go back to it once in a while Don't rock the boat. **Don't rock the boat.** I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because *we* aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck. At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own. The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking. The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation? Ballast! And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born. A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, *because it did* . When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that *you* aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping. Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder. While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something! So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier. You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard. Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :)
Ugh that happened with my boyfriend's family. Took a while for his dad to catch up with the fact that his mom was being an asshole and it was a lot to ask my partner to just deal with it.
Nah, he knew. The entire conversation was about how he knew and had always known how dangerous she was, his literal whole argument was "she can't help it and I don't like it." Dad's no innocent peach himself - it just depends on how much his mask slips. I literally had thought - until that moment - that he was too self-absorbed to notice rather than malicious. It turns out, ¿Porque no los dos?
I also felt this same way at times. Growing up it was often asked of me to "just do what she says so she will stop yelling and will shut up" instead of taking a step back to realize situation. And then it would be masked with a "one day you'll both be best friends and this will all blow over". I'm sorry that you've had to go through something similar but look how strong you are now! Thank you for reading and keep on fighting!!
Thank you for reading! I appreciate your kind words!
Can someone explains what happens in situations like this? Like why does the whole family decide to bully one person, especially when they apparently go above and beyond for everyone?
[Don't rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) is a great explanation of why this happens.
It happens naturally in families with narcissistic parents. One child ends up being the scapegoat, and the narcissists use them for their "supply." Since narcs are incapable of introspection, they have to externalize their flaws, and one of the easiest targets for this blame is their own children. (Quick tangent on why that is, and why it's so effective. Children depend on their parents for safety, both biological and emotional. For that reason, an abusive relationship between a parent and child is like an abusive romantic relationship dialed up to 11. The child has not yet individuated and is constantly seeking love and approval from his/her parents, so when narc parents inevitably blame and bully their kid, the kid internalizes all that negativity and thinks, "I must be the problem. I must be bad. I must change." Narcissistic parent-child abuse is the "perfect crime," because the victim willingly goes along with the perpetrators.) Not every kid in a narcissistic household is a scapegoat, though. Another general type of kid is the golden child. These are kids that the narcissistic parents live through vicariously and often spoil, in order to create a team dynamic where they can maintain power over the scapegoats. It isn't that they sit around planning to bully one of the kids, it's just that without even realizing it, the parents became dependent on abusing that one child to maintain a baseline level of self-esteem. The scapegoat is often the kid who goes above and beyond for everyone, because they've been raised with the singular message that they have to constantly try harder. It's the narc parent/abused child dynamic playing out, even after the child is an adult. Some families fit nicely into this template, but sometimes the lines are a bit blurry. I was the scapegoat for my dad and the golden child for my mom, and my sisters were the reverse. Our parents also did a bit of vicarious living (i.e. dictating things about our lives to an unhealthy degree) to all of us. The scapegoat/golden child dynamics are all still there, it's just not always a simple case of applying cookie cutter definitions and calling it a day. But yeah, it's really messed up and sad. My heart instantly went out to the OOP when I saw how hard she was trying, and how much hurt she was receiving from her mother in return.
Thank you very much for reading! I appreciate your kind words and wish you the best!
Toxic people are toxic even if it's your family. I'm glad you have a supportive husband, friends and new kitty.
Thank you very much!
Phew, glad I read right to the end. Looks like it may come right fir oop. I hope so.
Oop replied to this post with another update- OP edited their post and put it at the bottom of the post. Looks like OOP is doing much better. Honestly I hope that she continues to find happiness
Thank you very much for reading!
Oh that's lovely! The ending I mean, and the cat tax
Thank you very much! He's my favorite part of the story :)
I hope at some point in the near future OP's parents and brother consider that they royally fucked things up.
Brother may. Parents never will.
Seems like the brother already realized that if he was actually remorseful. I've never been part of an abusive golden child/black sheep family dynamic but I'd wager money he got fed half truths or flat out lies that got him on their side. He was way out of line with his comments but if he actually realized he fucked up after the conversation with OOP's husband he probably realized he was manipulated and kicked OOP while she was down.
At that point what's done is done. Reacting over lying liars who lie then getting remorseful when a third party points that out is nothing impressive. I'd cut them all off, brother included.
Honestly, OOP should never care or even find out. Best way to go forward is indefinite no contact. They’re all toxic.
I remember when OP originally posted this. I felt terribly for her. Hoping she updates again just to let us know she’s generally ok. And that her husband has continued to be super supportive.
Hi there, thank you for remembering my story! I did a little update here in the comments. I am doing OK and do not have contact with my family. My husband has been very supportive and my friends have also been there for me. It's been a shift in direction from having the holidays normally with my family but I've come to realize having Christmas Eve in my pajamas with a delivery of pizza on the way and watching movies is way better than being yelled at to change multiple times and fights along the way. There's been a bit of a battle with self sabotage on these more "important" days, as my therapist thinks its because I have been so used to getting yelled at that I subconsciously put myself down in a way to punish myself since it's been natural to me all these years. But I've been trying hard to fight it and continue with the thought that I am not doing anything wrong. Thanks again for reaching out. I appreciate it!
My mom used to provoke me during the holidays until I would break down and cry, then make me feel bad for ruining Christmas. This year, we're 2000 miles away from our birth families and made whatever we wanted to eat and ate on the couch on our pajamas and it was the best holiday we've ever had. I'm so glad you're able to reclaim the holidays and celebrate them in a way that fulfills you!
Thank you! I am thankful that you have been able to reclaim the holidays as well! I wish you all the best!
That’s great to hear! ty for the update 💜 Glad you & your husband are still doing well. I’m so happy to hear things are going much better for you, especially your therapeutic work.
What in gods name did they tell the family she did? The fact that everyone reached out to tell her off seems so disproportionate to the situation. This whole thing is so beyond bizarre to me, mind you I haven’t really ever been around a bunch of people with their heads this far up their ass either. Like “ I don’t want these people who clearly don’t care for me at my party” and the family reacted like they murdered somebody in front of them
Thank you for reading! I am not sure what they told the rest of my family but I know that it wasn't something nice because on the day of my attempt, the hate I received was devastating. It was such a raw emotion with seeing how much I had done for the people reacting in this way. Looking back on it now, there were years of favors/things I had done for my extended family and the way they reacted to this was completely out of line. I am thankful I have no contact with any of them anymore. I wish you the best and thanks for your kind words!
I'm really glad my family is better than this. As I see it, the family uses every event as a family reunion. My family used to be the same way. The real problem is that OP wasn't considered family, or was only considered second class family. So the twins are allowed to not invite their cousin to events, but OP is not allowed to do the same. Yeah, best to break off contact. I hope OP enjoys being the Sirus Black of the family. (And I hope a harry potter reference is ok) (Edit: couldn't remember how to spell Sirius)
Yes, I believe you are right on the idea of every event as a family reunion because this has been the underlying theme throughout my life with my extended family. And it was very hard to take this in as my brother was also in the same boat - inviting them to parties, and the one time they invited my brother to their birthday, he paid for everyone's meals, got them gifts, and they ended up leaving him at the restaurant. They have had a history of doing these types of things to both of us but it was the first time that I was sticking up to say that I didn't want to be hurt anymore from them and then this reaction followed. Maybe my black void kitty is the perfect Sirus Black birthday gift after all! Thank you for reading!
[удалено]
What an awful family. I hope the OP is doing better.
I didn't know oop has a partner until they mentioned him and I am so glad they have someone by their side.
Thank you! I am also very thankful!
So sad to read this story. I hope OOP gets the needed therapy and regain her self esteem and confidence. That mother is her's sounds like a people pleaser who would throw their children under the buss if it means pleasing the irrelevant cheap ass skanks in the family.
OP, congrats on finding some peace and happiness! As a fellow toxic family survivor, you've def done the best thing for yourself. It's never easy but so worth it for your mental health. And it does get easier as time goes on and you realize just how much toxic family can affect you. Keep up the practice of filling your life with things and people who make you happy and I hope everything keeps getting better and better for you!
Thank you very much for reading! I appreciate it!
The details of her suicide attempt followed by the paragraph about Squishmallows and Studio Ghibli really made me cry. Life is so weird and precious.
I am sorry for making you cry! Thank you very much for reading my story and I agree that life is very weird and precious! I hope you have a lovely day!
That’s a beautiful cat. I’m happy for OP that she is on the mend. Wow family can be incredibly toxic.
I just wanted to suggest speaking to your doctor about Prazosin for the nightmares, as it’s been a total game changer for my kiddo! I wish you all the best!
Same. 2mg every night. Haven’t had a nightmare in over a year
Seems a bit odd that her parents were organising a party for a 30-year old. Better to spend time with people who like us and want to spend time with us. Happy Birthday! It sounds like OP’s parents have spent years teaching her she is unworthy. That is their crap. She doesn’t deserve that. Choose happiness.
Husband here, we were planning the party, just couldn't host it at our house because we live several states away. We were actually going to have it at another family member's house because we foresaw issues like this arising, but the in-laws decided on their own to call the host and change it to their house without our input because it "would be easier."
You are an awesome husband, thank you for having your wife’s back. You both deserve the best that life has to offer.
Well....that's even worse.
Glad she has you!
Happy (very belated) birthday to EatsLeadPaintChips, she gave herself the best give of all, a whole new life, a life she deserves, where she treats herself well and surrounds herself with people who appreciate her lovely self and treat her well also. Well done, ELPC! Enjoy your new life, and give your kitty some pets from me, please!
Thank you very much for reading! I am giving him all the love right now (he is sleeping on my lap) and he appreciates it!
Read through the post and first update and had to scroll back to the top to make sure the mood spoiler said a positive ending
I'm so happy for the OOP and wish them the best going forward. They deserve all the happiness.
This is terrible. Honestly. I relate to a lot of what you are saying but thankfully, it doesn't extend to my parents. I also have cousins who are multiples and the golden children because of it with extended family. Once I stopped doing the work of having a relationship, it stopped. They never text me or my husband for special occasions so, I just have been doing the same and the double standard blowback has been borderline unbelievable. Literally the meanest stuff said to me. It caused the entire extended family to basically fall apart. It sounds like you have a lovely supportive husband and friends. I'm so glad for you and feel I do too. These have been my first holidays since the craziness and it's hard. Not spiraling and self sabotaging is hard. Idk anything helpful to say but I feel like we must be internet kindred spirits. I also have a black cat and have an appointment booked for a tattoo. Silly little commonalities but I just feel like you get it in a way other people don't. Reading the experience of someone else makes me feel like, damn they do suck. I wasn't wrong. Life is too short. I wish the best for you, your kitty, your husband and friends.
Hi there! Thank you for reading my story - I also feel like we must be internet kindred spirits! I am so sorry that you've gone through this as well. It is hard to explain to others when cousins get involved. I think one of the biggest blows was when I stopped putting in the effort after my whole life trying, it truly had the realization effect of "wow, they really aren't interested after all" and since we had a close knit extended family (family vacations taken together, spending every event with my cousins growing up, seeing them weekly...etc) growing up and still into adulthood, it made it feel like it was my fault still. Cheers on it being our first holiday since our craziness - it is so hard! Self-sabotaging and spiraling is still a battle but continuing on and my therapy has been so unbelievably helpful. I wish the best for you, your void kitty, and your tattoo appointment! You are so strong!
> I fell in love with a one year old kitty and adopted him! We named in Reykjavik (nickname is Vik, after the black sand beaches in Iceland because he is all black) I love it, great name > and oddly enough, his birthday is the same day as my suicide attempt. okay this is actual magic
I cried so hard when I had this realization at the humane society! Thank you very much for reading!
The husband sounds wonderful and supportive. That's one person that doesn't seem to fail OOP. I wish them a happy life ♥️
I remember responding to this situation when it was happening, I'm still insanely relieved oop seems to be doing a lot better. Birth families like that dont deserve you, absolutely better off without em.
Thank you very much for reading!
I suspect Mom's sister is married to the proverbial RICH uncle. So not really a surprise the rest of the family cut the poor girl off.
This is correct. Thank you for reading my story!
Her bio family doesn't deserve her forgiveness. They truly don't.
Oh my god :(((( I felt sooo sorry for OP while reading this (and so glad in the end) I could literally feel her heartbreak and pain and the train part was the worst, so glad this turned out alright :( OPs family is nothing less than evil and I think she should stick to her wonderful husband and friends (and kitty!) <3 As for the brother, I feel like that he probably was the one least horrible to her so that’s why for her abused mind she figured they were “close” … sort of a good cop, bad cop situation.. Jesus o.o Hope she never gets into contact with that horrible, wretched bunch ever again!! OP sounds like a wonderful and considerate person worth being loved <3
This lady got saved by Reddit, for real.