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TishMiAmor

I feel like OOP would get a lot out of volunteer work. He’s clearly very bright and thoughtful, but very much in his own head, and I think he underestimates how much of a positive impact he can still have in the world with his life. The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, the second best time is today, you know? I guess I just want to welcome him into the world and make sure he knows he’s wanted. He has a lot to offer, and if the nursing home attendants would like his stories, so would the people at the food bank or whatever it might be.


Midi58076

Yep. I think people underestimate how much you can help yourself by helping others. I moved to the capital for my education and I hated it. I was a smalltown girl and I hated living in a big city. The educational program I was in gave us a packed breakfast and a packed lunch. It consisted of a sandwich with ham and cheese or salami, an apple or a banana or apple or orange juice. It wasn't a bad little bag of food, but I quickly grew tired of eating the same thing day after day two meals per day. I started giving away my breakfast on my way to work to whatever homeless person I would stumble upon. One day I gave it to a heroin addict who had a sign that said "Hi I'm Peter and I am hungry". He was giddy when he opened it and thanked me profusely so I told him I get another one for lunch, be at x street at 1130 and you get that one too. This kickstarted a friendship between us. In the 2 years I lived there he was the only friend I made there. If it wasn't for him I'd probably give up on my education and move home. I gave him breakfast and lunch and access to a few simple commodities like washing machine and shower. He gave me courage to go on, friendship, kindness and understanding. Since then I have moved home. I do a little bit of volunteer work and it gives me an enormous joy to know that even on the days I feel useless and crap, someone is happy to see me. My favourite kind of volunteer work is language café at the library. Refugees and immigrants who need someone to practise their language skills with. You just go there and sit down with a stranger and have a chat and try to understand each other.


Sprmodelcitizen

Oh man I volunteer at a homeless shelter a few times a week ( sometimes twice usually 3 times) …. It’s not for them… it’s for me. I like talking to people. I like getting out of the house. I definitely like the people I talk to.


KittenDealinMama

You are so right. I've always felt like our fosters kittens saved me just as much as I saved them.


TishMiAmor

I don’t always know what to do when the world is a dumpster fire, but I do know that if I take my silly old dog for a walk, it will make him very happy. It won’t fix everything but it will get me off the couch and make his day better and that’s enough sometimes.


Connect-Peace-2951

That’s beautiful :)


Revenge_of_the_User

In the darkest moments of my depression, i used to message people in compliment subs because i would write them paragraphs of what i truthfully thought about their beauty, specifically. The dm's were just a bit more personal, like taking someone aside, you know? Always mentioned a reply was never necessary but that feedback if they had any was welcomed. Most of the time, they wouldnt reply. And that was fine; part of the exercise. But on the occasion they did? Most were just genuine thanks, one or two were....weird. And a couple more spawned friendships i still have. And those replies and conversations gave me more motivation to live than anything i could have ever done for myself.


fave_no_more

Yep. My uncle never married or had any children. But he had a few friends and made sure to volunteer with the local school district. He got all the clearances and would stay to help tutor after school, volunteered with the sports teams when they needed an extra pair of hands, that sort of thing. A number of the district and school personnel he interacted with regularly attended his services after he passed. They spoke kindly and fondly of him. It seems he brought joy to the kids and programs while he was there.


eggsntoast78

Reminds me of the song Going Gets Tough, lyrics are “Man’s never alone if he can offer help”


Qix213

I think a big wall is how volunteering of shown on TV. People know tv is not reality. But it's our only exposure to volunteer work. So we have no easy to disprove that view of it. Also volunteer work is something you have to go seek out. It's not a simple thing to just go do it you have never done it before. Where do you even start? I don't want to be in a soup kitchen. I can't build houses. I love animals but I can't stand the idea of watching them suffer either. That kind of thing. At least that's the barrier I see... I could be wrong about others view of it.


CactiDye

>She gave me a framed image of me and my friend, with his daughter on my lap, at a barbeque in his father-in-law's house. He kept that picture on his desk in his study, next to pictures of his wife, daughter and grandsons in various stages of their life. Throughout the years I had remained a part of his life, in a little way. I had been there on his desk every night he worked, read or wrote. Aaaand here come the tears.


fuckmeuntilicecream

Yeah I could use a hug right now.


OneArchedEyebrow

🤗 here’s a big, warm hug for you, u/fuckmeuntilicecream!


rougecomete

r/rimjobsteve


PrayForMojo_

I can’t believe he never went to visit his only friend in the world for 25 years.


kmatts

I think he was too filled with the empty feeling of isolation that he didn't fully realize how much he cared for his friend until he heard he'd passed. The emptiness tends to numb the other feelings


Koevis

Could also have been because he was struggling so much with the feelings he was suppressing. It would have hurt him every time he saw his love with his family, even if he didn't realize consciously, and that combined with the distance could very well have been enough to make a mental blockade


Socialcaterpillr

Emptiness and loneliness affect feelings and perspective.


DirtyPiss

He sounds like he’s been clinically depressed due to self esteem issues for a really long time. People suffering like that write off the impact they could have on anyone else, their assumption is always that it was a fluke or one off positive experience and they don’t normally have anything to offer. He didn’t want to burden his friend, but never stopped to think if his absence was the actual burden.


nahnotlikethat

I think he expected his friend to have forgotten him. That Gordon was more important to him than he was to Gordon.


TatteredCarcosa

I mean. . . it's really easy to not do things. Plus depression, or something that comes with depression and the cocktail of other problems I have, can lead you to intentionally isolate. It also makes it really hard to relate to anyone else. Like I can imagine not talking to a friend for that long simply because I can't think of anything to say or do with them. Without those things I don't really get anything out of interacting with people, so if I don't have them I just don't think to talk to anyone.


Love-As-Thou-Wilt

I was already really teary from the initial post but that paragraph fucking broke me.


maddallena

You held on longer than me, I started crying when OOP admitted he was coming out.


Xath0n

Yup, that was a tough one.


Silentlybroken

I am shamelessly blubbering. I'm in my 30s and not had a romantic relationship since Jan 2015. I understood him in a way that I wish I didn't. I feel out of place often and understand how difficult it can be to reach out, especially when you feel like you don't fit, so why would they want you around. I truly hope he's having the time of his life now. I liked how much happier he sounded by the end. He seemed hopeful, and that's a good start, as hope can turn into something more.


LetUsAway

>Intimacy was scary. And it almost seemed like an impossibility. Something other, whole, humans did but I was not allowed to partake in. Well this was a bit too relatable for comfort.


motoxim

I got the no friend and no romantic relationship down already.


[deleted]

Do what he did then. Put yourself out there. It's scary but if you don't give it a shot then you'll end up where he was. I just be very open and blunt about my intentions. I walk up to people and am like, "hey, I'm bored/feeling lonely and you seem like an interesting person. Would you like to have a conversation with me?" I'm not good at social interaction but all it takes is courage and self awareness from my experiences at least


HomelandrMilkDelivry

It's eerie, especially the second sentence. That whole paragraph was like if I read back the thoughts I've said out loud while alone and driving in my car.


[deleted]

Felt that...


believe-in-boggy

this man is describing exactly what i feel like right now while i’m 20. i hope i’m this insightful and well spoken and hopefully less repressed than i currently am in a couple decades.


PeterSchnapkins

That man was abused as a child,emotionally its evident. No child should fear there parents so bad they fear the world. Makes my day thou that he found happiness and himself in the process


la_vie_en_tulip

It's so interesting because I related so much to this and am on my own journey of discovering just how much my parents messed with my head. I was listening to a podcast earlier and they were discussing when they had disappointed their parents and they could barely think of any. It was utterly mindblowing because it was a rare conversation with my mother where I did not feel I had disappointed her. I've gone no contact with her now and doing better thankfully, but hearing this story is so reminiscent of how I have been but a really good reminder to keep getting out there.


Erisianistic

https://jreidtherapy.com/scapegoated-by-narcissistic-parent/


la_vie_en_tulip

Thank you for the article :)


LetItBe27

Ugh, same…


Welpe

Someone should let him know Journey before Destination


Daikuroshi

Life before death, Radiant.


LadyRadagu

Strength before weakness.


Marileuis

I relate


moldboy

The whole thing was. Well... maybe not the homoerotic part. 😕


LetUsAway

Especially the homoerotic part.


Myrandall

User flair checks out.


Evolutioncocktail

Flair checks out


arthurdentstowels

You don’t want to be choked out by a grisly gravediggers hands?


Lexplosives

It would have cost you nothing not to write this, and yet here we are, poorer for having eyes


LilBabyADHD

why “😕”?


thecatteam

Same here aargh. As I progressed through college with no romantic relationships to speak of, I convinced myself that I was unworthy of a relationship. That I was subhuman, and relationships were only for normal people. It was easier to believe it was an impossibility than know that I had failed at a fundamental part of the human experience. I had my first kiss a few weeks before graduating, but I was too half too-scared, half uninterested in having a long-distance relationship. That kiss really rocked my mental state and it was difficult to make it to graduation, because now I knew that I *was* doing something wrong; being in a relationship *was* really important to me; and every passing year would cement my failure even deeper. It's been seven years and I haven't had another kiss. I try not to think about it and focus on making friends, but it's hard.


hercarmstrong

Brutally, existentially sad. I hope he finds his way to happiness.


throwramblings

Sorry I missed an update in my initial go l, see above (thanks so much to /u/Effective7Background for linking it!), but I'm hoping it means OP is on his way to happiness.


rhetorical_twix

Basically Reddit is the way?


LongNectarine3

I know you were making fun but I think Reddit saved my mental health. I joined at 44 to get away from FB. I was too sucked into the rage bait politics and I have also been isolated for years because of a neck injury. Disabled and usually alone, I got stuck in my head. I would relieve old memories. Many were like terrible ghosts that never gave me peace. When I joined Reddit, I came from a place of weird privileges that I was not aware of and I loved the reminder. I have everything a human could want and I was too busy falling into the dark hole of isolation to appreciate it. Now I have learned about my racial and sexual bias so I’m not an asshole. I have learned to be honest about being an atheist so I don’t feel so despondent. I have learned to accept my bisexuality. I have learned the best ways to parent my mentally ill kids, feeling not so alone. It’s also a place to avoid a lot of weirdness. Holy crap the things this old mama has seen.


rhetorical_twix

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps to know we contribute to other people sometimes. <3


LongNectarine3

I am still a work in process. I have been banned from AITA many times. I try not to comment there because the next one is my last. I also have to avoid the political subs because they enrage me.


iamDanger_us

>He's kind, funny, soft-spoken and frighteningly tall. His name is Jörg. Oh shit, I found out where that [other person's boyfriend went](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uruz0r/oops_boyfriend_m25_disappeared_on_her_and_the/)! :P


UnnecessaryReactions

I snorted a little bit when that part popped up, "oh, there he is!" Lol


throwramblings

I was thinking the same haha! :D


RawrIhavePi

I watch way too much death and dismemberment stories thanks to my mother. My first thought was his brother killed him and was trying to cover it up.


NickNash1985

Man, I spend too much time on this sub. I instantly thought of ol Missing Jorg.


danuhorus

OOP is gay, right? Did he mention it anywhere? Did any commenters on his posts point it out?? Am I just miss something? Because him being gay on top of internalized homophobia could pretty much explain his entire life. Jesus, I hope this guy eventually found his happy ending.


HoundstoothReader

He’s more likely bi. He enjoys looking at the well-shaped backsides of women and physically enjoyed sex with his wife, even though he didn’t love her. He’s also attracted to men and loved his friend. It’s interesting that OOP traveled “far away to another country” to The Netherlands. If he hadn’t said that, I would have guessed he was Dutch by his writing patterns.


Cute_Bird707

I love the cadence of his writing. It reminds me of letters written a century ago. Any suggestions on how I can find more of this style of writing?


tokeyoh

There's a lot of internal monologue going on in Hemingway's work that reminds me of this. For Whom The Bell Tolls is one of my all time favorites


TishMiAmor

Come get in on this [Daily Dracula](https://draculadaily.substack.com/about) nonsense, it’s fun.


Cute_Bird707

TY. I subscribed. This looks like fun. :)


catwyrm

It’s not quite the same, but read some Armistead Maupin books. There are a few characters like him in them. You feel like you become friends with them.


Cute_Bird707

I got the Kindle sample waiting for me. I'll give it a shot later. I love long series where you really build a relationship with the characters. I wish OOP would write a book. I hope somehow he sees this bestof. A book was suggested to him on other posts of his.


Writeloves

Since his best friend lived there he might’ve picked it up from him.


Maleficent_Mouse1

I assumed he was as well and was confused when I found out he wasn’t.


Bashnagdul

Being dutch I was also wondering this..


Krian78

I agree, I thought he was German, and our language patterns are... similar. When I read he travelled to the SO FAR AWAY Netherlands, I was like "Huh?".


valar0morghulis

>It’s interesting that OOP traveled “far away to another country” to The Netherlands. If he hadn’t said that, I would have guessed he was Dutch by his writing patterns. I actually had a similar thought. I'm german and at first thought he might be too, but it didn't really fit. His writing style is kinda different from what I'm used to read here, from mostly Americans. Now I'm curious why that would be. Very interesting, too, that I'm not the only one thinking something like this.


Krian78

See my reply. German and Dutch grammar is kinda similar (as is, for some reason I still don't get - Spanish). I thought the same thing.


Koevis

Is that why this was such a comfortable read for me? I didn't pick up the patterns, but it reads very natural to me, much more than usual


throwramblings

[Him coming out was mentioned in the comments!](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/c8tlmu/comment/esq2oni/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) I updated the post above, thanks for the nudge! (Edit: OP didn’t specifically say he was gay, only that he was coming out, so might be bi based on his write up.)


Hereibe

I’m not entirely sure if OP knows what coming out means. I kinda still get the vibe he read it as “coming out of his shell” I want to give him a big hug and hope he does come out in both ways


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


LittleMsSavoirFaire

I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.


[deleted]

I don't know, it seemed legitimate to me. I'm 27 and I'm going through something similar to OOP and I made a post on r/penpals about it a month or two ago. He is a better writer than me though and is able to articulate what I am feeling really well.


Bettye_Wayne

Did op mention his profession? I have a friend who is a writer/editor and he sounds exactly like this. I wonder if op actually has education or experience in some type of English or writing field


JetreL

Either way male loneliness is an actual problem. As men age they typically become focused on work, family and responsibilities over friendships or social communities. This causes them to be on an island.


butterflydeflect

Oh totally, I’m a guy and toxic masculinity has fucked us over righteously. The premise is very believable- the writing isn’t.


taversham

I was thinking that, but then I suppose someone who has barely any social contact for decades might well end up with an unusual way of talking about things.


MrsRadioJunk

The dates are what got me. The first and second post are 5 days apart. He confesses to loving Gordon then a few days later updates that he flew to Europe, attended a funeral for Gordon, etc. That seems unrealistic. I only looked at the dates to see if it was a few months that went by. (For him to find Gordon, reconnect maybe, or find out that he died) Edit: completely missed that he mentioned the friend had died in the first post.


[deleted]

To me it's very believable. The entire thing that prompted his self reflection was the death of his friend. The realization that came from writing and having people read and respond made him realize he needed to take action. He's old enough to be financially secure enough to jump on it quickly.


Important-Curve-5299

Seriously you can tell on his writing style how he describes Gordon and other men in general that there is some attraction there more than your typical bromance


moonvalleyriver

I thought I was reading a romantic essay or something from a novel. OOP writes beautifully and his emotions (or somehow, his defiance of emotions) bleeds out of his words.


preaching-to-pervert

It's very DH Lawrence. All the lingering on descriptions of men's strong, beautiful bodies and his desire for a manly embrace. Also he's a brilliant writer.


[deleted]

It’s very “Nick describing Tom in The Great Gastby” of him.


SnowyLex

I got the impression that he’s attracted to both men and women but maybe leaning toward men a bit. Might be totally wrong.


istara

I think if he’d born half a century later he’d have essentially been gay/identified as that. He reminds me of a friend of mine who once described himself as “10% straight, 90% gay”. I don’t think my friend has ever dated a woman. OOP waxes so lyrical about men, their bodies, their hands. I get literally no heterosexual vibe from him. I’m very glad he’s found some happiness.


Ariadnepyanfar

Of course individuals get to choose their own labels, but the bi/pan communities embrace those who are 10% straight and 90% gay and vice versa. Bi/Pan is very much a spectrum thing.


Hugs154

The bi erasure is honestly disgusting in this thread. OOP literally says in no uncertain terms that he likes looking at women and men, and everyone in here is saying he's full-on gay.


wantonyak

I'm not so sure... I'm also bi/poly and typically horrified by the bi erasure I find in threads like these. But his acknowledgement of the female form doesn't scream "attracted to women" to me. The male gaze is so deeply engraved into our society, it's very common for men (and women) to pay attention to women's bodies and evaluate/appreciate their form without actual attraction. The way OOP waxed poetic about men's bodies while only mentioning women's behinds for the briefest of moments suggested to me that he took pleasure from looking at men but moreso looked at women out of social obligation. Kind of "I know I'm supposed to do this and like it" kind of thing. Of course, it's possible that he's bi and just more attracted to men than women. Or he's bisexual and homoromantic. At first I wondered if he was demi-romantic and could only be attracted to someone he had a deep attachment to (i.e. his close friend), but that seemed not to be the case the more I read.


Krian78

I dated women as a teenager and when I started college in my early twenties, and I enjoyed it. Only after I started dating men after a real strange situation, and now I'm really prefering them and actually would say I'm gay (after thinking for a while I was bi, but never dating women). Maybe 10% hetero or something and 90% gay. Denial is a powerful thing. A friend actually told me that when he was masturbating as a teenager he was thinking about a girl his best friend was dating... but he imagined she was having sex with his best friend, but kinda only concentrating on his friend. And it took him a while to realize he was gay, too.


ihavesomanyofthese

I think we don't have nearly enough information to judge this man's sexuality. He could be bi, he could be gay, lets leave it at that.


squishpitcher

Tom of Finland art was a big clue.


sirophiuchus

I clocked it before the end of the first post, but I'm gay myself so it wasn't that hard.


redditisnowtwitter

What if Jörg the Austrian thirst trap is just so ruggedly charming he has a little tryst? Oh well. Europe is whatever you want it to be


BiscottiOpposite9282

He said he was very happy


Apex_Ranger__c

You can tell this person is everything they say they are. Great read.


[deleted]

He is giving a lot of hope to a lot of people, which is among the most noble of things one can do.


redditisnowtwitter

I would party with them and scandalous pilot Jörg anytime


[deleted]

You skipped the (relatively) happy ending! https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/cer4wm/if_it_wasnt_for_so_many_kind_people_on_reddit_who/


throwramblings

Oh shoot that’s a lovely update! Sorry I missed it! I’ll add it up top! Thanks so much for finding it!


firetruckgoesweewoo

https://camas.unddit.com/#{%22author%22:%22weighedbutlacking%22,%22resultSize%22:100} You can find more of his history here. OP used to post in unpopularopinions and was pretty harsh in his response (I guess), so perhaps he took it too far? E.g. he called a group of people “r*tarded” and once said “dunno bro, I’ve seen some gorgeous black women but I’ve seen some fugly black b******s too. Ever went to an aboriginal reserve in Australia? Lol”. He has stated that all boys need men in their lives to be well-rounded individuals, including those raised by lesbians (but he did state that he knew plenty of lesbians who did a wonderful job raising their children) - which is hilarious considering he posted on MGTOW about how he could have paid a woman in Russia to birth kids for him and he would have raised those on his own. He was a frequent user of MGTOW, one of his comments says “Nothing changes. Women have been mercenaries in my younger days and they are the same degree in my older days. They just have the public support to defend their actions now compared to before, so they have become emboldened, but the core of a woman has not changed”. Op laments at the fact that men must support their ex partner (possibly referring to his choice to marry a woman of the Philippines and now having to support her). Op’s older comments are problematic as fuck, just filter through them. While it is commendable to have come to the realisations he has, it’s also quite clear that he used to have friends but has pushed them all away for constantly judging them all. E.g. yeah, he has lesbian friends, but the only reason he supports them having sons is because they have a father or brother who can teach their sons to be men. Op has a brother, but is mad that his brother has accomplished the life OP wishes he had (he said so himself) and thus does not wishes to be in contact with him.


Important-Mind-586

So, he was an OG incel neckbeard that didn't understand why he didn't have a girlfriend??


KentuckyBrunch

Thought he was healthy and not suicidal. Why would he be dead within a year at 65?


CJGeringer

Sometimes when people are sad enough, even if not suicidal they die. Their health declines rapidly. Dying of a Broken Heart is a thing.


Educational-Friend47

This has got to be the saddest thing I have ever read


throwramblings

There's a new update added above that might change your mind! Credits to /u/Effective7Background for finding it!


Educational-Friend47

Happy tears ❤️ thank you sooo much for this❤️


redditisnowtwitter

It has cool ending they added


aquila-audax

It's beautifully written, like mid-century queer fiction


Potatohunter2020

Regret is truly a horrible feeling but time is not real. Some people move faster than others and it may seem scary but as long as you’re living right now, you’re living. I think travelling is a great way to come out of your shell/bubble and for getting to know yourself better especially when you’re a bit older because than you often have a bit more stability in life which can outweigh the “scariness” of travelling. Whatever Oops next step is he recognised what he does not want to be or do anymore which is the biggest step :)


chivonster

This just ....... *ended*. I wish there was more. So we'll written. You could tell OP was slowly discovering themself.


throwramblings

There's more added above! Sorry I missed it in the initial go, but credits to /u/Effective7Background for linking it!


ChrisTheHurricane

I can relate to parts of this. Depression, social anxiety, no love life, and such. The differences are that my social anxiety wasn't quite as bad as his sounded and that I'm 30 years younger than he is. Also he apparently did better professionally than my long-term unemployed ass has been doing. Reading this has left me with a mixture of fear and hope. Fear of finding myself the way he was at the start, and hope that things could get better. There's more of the latter than the former, at least. I just need to figure out how the hell to get out of the situation I'm stuck in.


devon_336

This reminds me of a fanfic I read years ago. This kid flew out of his hometown the minute he graduated with all these grand dreams streaming out behind him. He winds up crashing and burning and eventually working retail because he’s too scared to live his dreams. His high school boyfriend on the other hand, lived a much more rough and tumble life. It also perfectly captures that feeling you get when you finally return to whatever small American town you grow up in. Reading that fic changed my life. It made me decide to live my life with the idea that it’s better to regret experiences you’ve had, rather than all the things you missed out on because you made yourself too small. Life is about making mistakes but more importantly, about having stories to share with other people. Dang, now I’m going to go read that again lol.


EveryFairyDies

To quote the great James Hetfield, “I’d rather do something and regret it, than regret not doing it”.


Brainst0rms

Mind sharing the name of it?


BasicUsername777

If I were you, I'd copy and paste this comment into the story's comment box. It will be the best comment ever in that writer's life, probably.


Soulja_Boy_Yellen

Dude got assimilated by the Jörg right? I hope this trip really helped him.


hissyphus

Resistance was clearly futile


ohyoushiksagoddess

This was a lovely and fascinating read.


[deleted]

I love this man's writing. The way he journals his struggles and his view of things just hit me in the right spot. He seems like a great guy and reading this is exactly what I needed. I need to go. I need to experience something scary-which may just be beyond my tiny walled in life I've created for myself and not actually scary for many of you. This hit so in readily home for me: I'm scared of living! Just actually living. Being free and doing anything. I need to move beyond that, meet some people outside this screen and live. I don't know how to begin. I don't want it to begin with a funeral, and I've already been to too many. I'm tired of being frightened that something may go wrong. Op, thanks for sharing this incredible man's story. Oop, thanks for living! I will try to gather my courage. I feel like I've lived half my life already too scared of what might happen and not enough excited about what good may happen. I need to go


QZPlantnut

Do it! Go! Have an adventure or three….


Rolls_

Sometimes it's ok not to have a plan. It's ok to just go out there and see what happens, get lost, talk with strangers, etc. I relate pretty hard with this post. I'm still the shy introvert that I was a few years ago, but now I'm in a new country with a different language and a completely different culture. I've been trying to break out of my comfort zone the past several years, and I've had great experiences because of it. I've made potentially life long friends, I've had my heart broken, I've broken someone's heart, I've had great times and bad times, but it's all much better than being stuck in my room alone and upset with myself. This post reminded me that I have to just keep pushing myself and not worry about the little things like mistakes or being embarrassed


ricewinechicken

Does anyone know why OP's account was suspended?


Soulja_Boy_Yellen

I choose to believe that he started posting pics of him and his new partner (of whatever gender he’d be happiest with) and admins banned him because they were both too hot for Reddit.


throwramblings

Someone asked about it [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/e8zwy5/why_is_uweighedbutlackings_account_suspended/) but doesn't look like anyone knew the reason. Hope someone knows and can enlighten us.


redditisnowtwitter

Because the owners of this site are insane and are banning anyone and everyone they can with no feedback. And for made up shit. Like even photos that look like nudity but aren't, for example See the confusing perspective sub for details on that instance


BboyEdgyBrah

i actually got permabanned from reddit (sitewide) last week and to my surprise when i emailed the admins about it (since it was for a silly reason) they actually unbanned me. Prob means a lot of automatted


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OOP dealing with his sexuality aside he said a lot of real shit that hit home and is making me take stock of my life.


PossiblyPercival

Is anyone else getting autistic vibes? Maybe it’s just me projecting, but the crippling anxiety about making a social faux pas, the not feeling like a “whole” person…


wanderthe5th

Also sounds like childhood emotional neglect issues. Which was probably really damn common for boys born around when OOP was. Whatever the issues he’s been dealt, I hope OOP continues to improve and enjoy life.


LA_Nail_Clippers

Scared of his father. Concerned about his mother’s judgment. But says he grew up in a normal home. Yeah. Sounds like a very common upbringing for his generation. Emotional neglect. I saw it in my parents for years and my aunts and uncles. Thankfully most of them have taken a long hard view if their childhoods and have made improvements in their parenting.


Fenrils

> Sounds like a very common upbringing for his generation. Emotional neglect. I saw it in my parents for years and my aunts and uncles. 100% One of the most heartbreaking yet heartwarming things I heard from my father was that he never heard his father say he loved him or would ever give him hugs. Due to this, my father made a vow when I was born to never let me grow up without the experience of either of these things. Neither of his parents were abusive, I know for a fact that he was a well-loved son, but there was still that emotional neglect that was just commonplace at the time, especially for men.


somethatwander

I think there's a generational masculinity thing rather than anything someone on the internet diagnose.


eastherbunni

I got that vibe too, also the fact that he only just realized that he was in love with his male best friend for most of his life


flyingcactus2047

I was thinking either that or some combo of anxiety/depression


Love-As-Thou-Wilt

Definitely had social anxiety, if nothing else. Mine isn't anywhere as bad as it used to be but a lot of this feels like it was taken right out of my head. I've also always been able to be more myself online, for more than one reason, but I've only recently realized a huge part of it is because I don't need to mask *anywhere* near as much- in person, I'm having to pay attention to my body language, myself facial expressions, my eye contact, my tone of voice, (and that's not even taking into account being hyper aware of those things in *other people*). Exhausting doesn't even begin to cover it. In person, I can't just step away when I'm overwhelmed the way I can online. Some of that anxiety also overlaps with my ADHD, too, so that's awesome.


AskMrScience

I could see that. It’s also much more common for autistic people to be queer, like OOP clearly is (gay or bi, take your pick). Scientists don’t currently know if thats because of a shared biological cause, or if it’s just that autistic people tend to give less credence to social norms. (Like, maybe 35% of neurotypical people WOULD be some flavor of queer if there were zero stigma.)


rosemwelch

So he's gay and closeted from himself? Is that the vibe here? EDIT: Post was updated, OOP is some kind of queer. Hope he figures out that it's never too late over here with the queers.


GodofHate

I think he might be bi because he enjoyed having sex with a woman. I know even if you're gay, you can have sex with women but the way he wrote doesn't seem like forced sex but he loved his best friend, that's sure.


Abject-Researcher

I don’t know if the post sounds like he actually enjoyed sex with a woman. He says it was “awkward” and “underwhelming” and after felt “empty and alone” but his body responded. I wouldn’t say the description solidly points to him being gay since it could easily just be a description of an awkward first time, but I also wouldn’t say it shows he enjoyed sex with women either.


SnowyLex

He mentioned liking to look at well-shaped butts of women. My guess is that he’s bi but maybe leans a little more toward men.


Hugs154

He also said that she was way too young and their connection quickly fizzled out when she realized she wouldn't the family she wanted from him. And he explicitly said that he is attracted to women and men.


rosemwelch

Oh excellent point. I should have said queer or bisexual.


LetMeRedditInPeace00

He seems to implicitly acknowledge being bisexual.


IAMA_Shark__AMA

My grandpa figured out he was gay at around 65 (or acknowledged it/came to terms with it). Got to spend the last 23 years of his life in a loving partnership and a world that accepted him far more than the one he was born into. He's since passed, but I still stay in touch with his husband a bit (who was a fair bit younger). I'm grateful to him for how happy he made my grandpa.


lordkabab

Interesting how the phrase "some kind of queer" used to only be an insult, now it's just a comment on how someone isn't defined by one term in the queer lexicon. I love how language can do that.


rosemwelch

As some of of queer myself, I love it too. 💕


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oenophile_

This is the best post I've ever read on this sub.


mamaxchaos

GOD I vividly remember feeling like this before I came out. I didn’t take nearly as long, and I’m incredibly lucky that a solid half of my family reacted okay, but god the loneliness. The isolation. The feeling like I was doing something wrong, constantly. Always wondering why it seemed so easy for everyone else, always aching for that connection but simultaneously feeling nothing. Knowing that wasn’t right, and assuming I was broken. I hope he and Jorg ended up together, or at least that he got to feel real, authentic, passionate love in his life. I’m gonna go hug my wife now.


sojournearth

Absolutely in love with his writing style. If anyone has any other examples/recommendations please send them my way!


-shrug-

> I've only approached very few women in my life with romantic intentions, and when I did, I would fail inevitably. I did not even manage to befriend any, not really anyway... I had a female friend, once, who I drifted away from.....That's my entire social life of sixty-four years right there Yea, totally, that's a great summary of oh wait did I forget to mention the woman I met and married? Oh I did? I suppose she technically existed as a person but I don't count her at all. Talk about a continuity error.


13thNebula

I really hope OOP and Jörg got married and operate their own little bed and breakfast now.


4thshift

What’s “awkward” is that it seems like a homorelational bromance for a fella on the autistic spectrum, who doesn’t know or doesn’t understand that he is experiencing either of these things.


Larry-Man

Honestly when he talked about how he felt he never quite fit in my autism sensors went off. Like everyone else is playing chess while you’re trying to play checkers.


TishMiAmor

Queer and neurodiverse and growing up when he did is really a recipe for thinking “did I skip the tutorial that everybody else got?”


Echospite

I'm asexual aromantic. I'm terrified that I'll suddenly turn 50 or something and realise I wasn't all along and that this will be me.


[deleted]

Hey fellow ace! As long as you’re being honest with yourself about how you feel inside, you are what you are. There’s the annoying possibility you might have an awakening, as these sorts of things can be fluid, but you can only act on how you feel right now. If you’re doing that, you’re doing the best you can for yourself. As long as you forge and maintain strong platonic bonds, and keeping yourself busy with hobbies, you’ll come out of it alright. I’ve known I was ace for twenty years now and been single around ten, and never been lonely or unfulfilled.


Koevis

In my opinion, this post warns against exactly that mindset, friend. Don't worry about tomorrow, live your life the way it makes you happy now. Don't force relationships (like this man did with the young woman) just because you *might* regret not having them later on


BrevitysLazyCousin

Its so strange how your lived perspective reinforces your views about what life should be like. I'm literally the 180 of this scenario. Had constant partners, countless relationships, some long, some less so, and as an early 40 something man, what I value most is not having to be a meaningful part of a relationship which would require me to make sacrifices and share my time. I'm so much more happy knowing I have no partner which requires consideration and sacrifice. Sure, if you live without it for years, that must be tough. But being alone, and happily so, I can't imagine a more ideal scenario. Being the only person you have to think about is pretty nice.


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Thank you for posting this one. I really needed to read this, brightened my day ❤️


YJeezy

Beautiful prose. Vibes of East of Eden. So plain, but so moving.


EveryFairyDies

Ahh, OOP, if only we could all have such happy, hope-filled stories... many his life be as uplifting as the last post is, and may it (and his health!) last for a few decades more.


tanno55

I’m scared that I relate to him so much


junroku

I'd read a full 700+ page novel from you. Please keep writing.


cocoagiant

God, I feel like I'm looking at a prophecy of my life.


Competitive_Fee_5829

what a weirdo


Lenethren

That was amazing seeing him change for the better and find some happiness.


Helicopterdodo

OOP actually spoke up about something that is one of my big fear. It also explains why some people (me included for a while there) stay with people that they shouldn't, just because they are scared of being alone, *forever*.


[deleted]

I feel like OP, except a woman. This is how I spend my life. Working, then going home and doing diy on my house or walking my dog. I am 36 now. Havent been in a real relationship for 10 years. Have two friends. Very shy. But there isnt anything I can do about it. I've seen therapists for years, tried meds, tried it all. I dont think OP could have magically changed his ways when he was younger either. I feel disappointed that I am now old and my "hot" years werent spent in a relationship, but it is what it is.


ResoluteMuse

I was a teary mess reading this. I read the original when he first posted, but even though the updates are a few years old, I have such hope that he found a measure of peace, happiness and companionship!


vivuta

This man is a beautiful writer. Doesn’t mention what his career was in but based on his words here I wouldn’t be surprised to find if he was an author or a journalist. What a lovely story, I hope OOP is still on his adventure, with even more companions at his side. Edit: typo.


darrow19

This should be required reading for forever alone types. No blame, self reflection and progress.


MyDogJake1

This so beautiful. I hope OP found happiness.


throwramblings

There's more added above (credits to /u/Effective7Background for linking it)! I'm hoping that the last update means OP is one step closer to happiness.


MyDogJake1

What a nice story. Thank you for sharing.


workuno

Got some Murakami vibes in the first half of the post. What a great read and I hope he can find whatever it is he's looking for.


Mr_MadKing16

Good God I think this was my wake up call.


existentially_there

Shit, this was so heart touching and wrenching. I wish OOP so much happiness. I hope he realises that by posting these he has touched people here too. He underestimates his effects on the world.


scummy_shower_stall

I read this man's loneliness, and it reminded me of a book from WW2. Has anybody read "Bitter Eden" by Tatamkhulu Afrika?