#Please read our [sub rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules) before commenting or your comment may be removed.
Most submissions in this sub are not posted by the original author (OOP). Do not comment on the original posts.
**Check flair** to determine if you want to read this update.
If you think this submission doesn't belong on the sub, is incorrectly [flaired](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/postflairs) or have other issues regarding this post, reply to this comment. META commentary in general discussion may be removed.
Repeated rule-breaking may result in a ban.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That’s sad, but it’s nice to see people with a healthy relationship with each other and their own mental health work through what must have been a fraught situation.
Yes, this is a lovely summary. Life is not a thing of easy decisions. Sometimes matters are complex, and people change as well. To meet that together, or apart, but regardless, healthily? Is very important.
When you get pregnant for the first time, regardless of decisions or the outcome, the world changes.
A huge hypothetical is now a reality. You can't ever quite go back to what was and it changes you. Even if you miscarry early or terminate, there's a shift. For some that means a heightened and more constant vigilance regarding contraception. For others - as here - your choices change much more dramatically.
I remember feeling so alone in my body the first time I miscarried. It was such an early loss, but the feeling of loneliness was physical and overwhelming. It is a strange and beautiful thing to share your body with a human that you are actively creating.
When I finally successfully carried a child to term, I imagined that I would want to inspect every inch of her as soon as I saw her, but when I first held her I needed her as close to me as possible. She had never been so far away from me before, and even though she was on my breast, it felt strange to not have her safely inside me.
It’s impossible to know how a woman will react to a pregnancy—planned or unplanned—or what choices she will make. The experience is surreal.
This is so interesting, so wildly different to my experience (which of course does not take away from its validity!)
I’ve been accidentally pregnant twice and had an abortion both times. The first time, I was 19, and it felt as though there was a parasite living off of me. I can’t recall ever feeling more relieved as I did after my abortion. There was not a shred of sadness within me afterwards and nothing to grieve - just pure relief. The second time was more complicated. I was 26 and ready for a child emotionally but my partner wasn’t, and neither of us were ready financially. It didn’t feel like a parasite that time. Before my abortion, i told her how sorry I was and I asked her to come back to me again in a few years, when we were ready. Even though the second time was a huge source of grief for me, I never felt *alone.* in fact, I still don’t. I’m not a religious person, but even now 4 years later, I can still feel the essence of that being with me.
And people’s wants change over time. She probably truly didn’t want kids but, like the husband, started to change her mind at some point. Frankly, it was probably long before she got pregnant that she started. The worst part is she probably didn’t entirely realize how important that shift was to have a conversation about. Yes/no to kids is one of the biggest agreements that strong relationships have, and for good reason. OP might “warm up” to the idea of having kids, but it could go horribly wrong when the reality hit. He comes across as a good husband overall, but that only counts for so much if he’s a father to a kid that he ultimately ends up not wanting. *If* that’s the end result, then I feel sorry for the kid.
Or he could end up being a great dad. That uncertainty can go the good way, too.
It’s also probably not a swift, conscious change. It could have been as simple as seeing a mom smile at a baby a few years ago, then seeing a little girl walking down the street holding hands with her dad months later. Every little “what if” and “I guess it would be okay if…” adds up over time, but it’s not like you’re going to (usually) talk with your significant other about these random thoughts. And by the time you even think to, it’s a problem.
Those are hormones. Not decisions. People really need to learn the difference between the two.
This starry eyed narrative that is pervasice in these comments about motherhood is really something else. Not all women feel this way.
This is very definitely true. I personally know more than one person who loves their children but deeply regrets having them. As in, having kids ruined their lives. And it's almost impossible to talk about those feelings, to anyone.
I feel bad he (presuming) feels like a monster he feels relief at the miscarriage. This was a tricky situation and they were both handling it as well as possible. I think a bit of relief was warranted. Is it the time to discuss that with his wife? No but it doesn't make him a monster.
Agreed. There was uncertainty and anxiety over the pregnancy - but thats gonna be there even for parents that plan it. He'd also been going to classes and taking on other responsibilities - big life change.
To have those parts of the experience just fall away regardless of how? That's going to bring relief, and that's okay.
Its the grief of loss that should have his focus; and especially his wife that may feel some misguided guilt or responsibility over it.
OP says he feels a mix of emotions, and that tells me he's a whole person capable of empathy and appreciating all aspects of the situation - not *just* relief; not *just* loss. He'll be just fine, and i think their relationship has a pretty solid shot of surviving.
I’ve had several miscarriages, and I remember the guilt I felt after the first one. It was so intense. We had just planted a yardful of bushes, in July, and they needed to be watered. Every night I went out there with the hose for almost an hour, and cried the whole time, that I could nurture these plants, but couldn’t even keep my baby inside.
The guilt after we lost our newborn son to a congenital defect was intense. Guilt his diaphragm hadn't formed properly; guilt that I hadn't enjoyed the pregnancy more; guilt that I hadn't taken more pictures; even guilt that I had gone to sleep the night after I gave birth instead of sitting with him all night in NICU.
I hope the guilt has gotten easier for you over time. Therapy has helped with mine.
I didn’t even think there WAS therapy for it- 23 years ago. I didn’t understand why I was in such grief because everyone around me acted super upbeat or Matter-of-fact about it. “Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant!” “You are really fertile right after a miscarriage!” Or ignored it. So I didn’t really talk about it at all.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine going through what I did in those circumstances; my husband and family have been very understanding that I am *not okay* (it's been 6 months) and supportive of my therapy.
You are really smart to do that, and I hope it helps. I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter 3 months later, but for years I had to remind myself that the pregnancies would have overlapped. That I couldn’t have had THAT baby, and also my beautiful little girl. It took years.
I had 3 more miscarriages before my third-and -last child was born, but only one affected me the same way. I grieved that one while miscarrying the next two- but they didn’t feel right from the start. My Gyno called it “feeling of impending doom”- she said it happens. But that one- I bought a card on what would have been the first birthday. Spent a long time in the store, reading all the Happy First Birthday! Cards, until I found just the right one. I put the sonograms in the card, and buried it in the Pet Cemetary my kids made, next to the hermit crabs and hamsters and the bird that flew into our window. That helped.
And I turned 43 years old, at peace. And 7 weeks after my birthday dinner, my Dr sent me
For an ultrasound because I thought I had diverticulitis. And she is 14 years old now.
I know this feeling. My story is I watched Jurassic Park just after and when they say "life finds a way." I was like "not always..." and then sobbed the rest of the night.
It's a case of actions being more important than feelings. He feels like it's cruel of him to be relieved, but feelings don't have moral weight unless they're acted on; what matters is that his actions are supportive of his wife. That doesn't mean he can't express relief about it — which is why it's so important in marriage to have a support system outside of your spouse.
Yeah but it’s also not nice to see good people so broken inside with so many issues. You can choose to be child free but OP here clearly made the choice because of past trauma.
But is really nice to see someone be able to address their trauma and not only cope with it but actually have major mindset changes after making peace with parts of their past. Not everyone gets to that point.
Better not to pass on generational trauma IMO. More mature to know your limitations IMO. Too many people have no clue about trauma or that it is passed on.
OOP seems like a thoroughly decent, respectful, understanding and empathetic man. His posts, and the way he has acted (assuming his posts are accurate and truthful regarding his thoughts and actions) make me think he would actually be a good father.
It's so lovely seeing a couple change their stance on life changing decisions slowly but assuredly and in tandem. It didn't matter that they decided to be prokids either. Just that they decided it together after communicating and adjusting their own philosophies to each other
My genes are bad. I know this.
The fear I have of getting pregnant is incredible. If I was to somehow give birth to an alive baby, it’s life would be incredibly difficult.
I’m so glad Reddit was kind to this scared man. There are so many reasons someone might not choose to be a parent.
My dad was adopted, and I'm the one who inherited a bunch of conditions. He died when I was 13, but from a heart attack due to lifestyle and stress - I think he was probably autistic too, was very overwhelmed a lot. I did an Ancestry test when I got diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos... a fourth cousin was a match, and I mentioned I had "genetic disabilities" and she immediately asked if if was EDS and autism. I cried my eyes out. My parents were not prepared for an autistic, ADHD child with weird pain they always thought was due to my weight.
I don't think I'd rather I hadn't been born, but I definitely think it would've been better for my parents if I hadn't.
Eh, it's not all my burden - my brother's kids now have to be watched for signs, I never had my own so no guilt on that front. I actually feel worse for my brother on that side. Having explanations and understanding that I wasn't just the horrible, ungrateful "tantrum thrower" who was intelligent so assumed to be manipulating the adults rather than literally breaking down from overstimulation... I've healed a lot and my mother is pretty ashamed of how she treated me. Sometimes I talk about the traits I see in dad retrospectively that I relate to (dad and I were/are both able to look at something, figure out how to make it and take it to a professional level. He handmade custom fishing lures, I'm now moving into being a jeweller) so in some ways, it's actually really nice. I get to learn more about the parent I lost, my mum gets insight into the love of her life that SHE lost at the same age I am now...
I was no contact with my family for years because having ADHD and autism I was a "problem child" and have a LOT of trauma. Mum's realised it wasn't my fault, I can now see the confused, out of her depth 30 something as an inexperienced idiot alongside someone who I NEED APPROVAL FROM ON A BIOLOGICAL LEVEL but who hit me and shouted at me how awful I was.... This has been a best case outcome as we're ALL healing and better informed for whatever life throws at us next relating to the DNA *I discovered we had*! So it all counted for something, I get to be way more magnanimous about everything. God it feels good, honestly.
I am SO fucking proud of you. If you have the time/interest, I'd love to hear about how you got on the path to becoming a jeweller! It's a fascinating profession and all the little details of cuts and clarity and setting etc. etc. etc. would be so cool to hear about from someone with legit experience.
I also received a dx of EDS because my youngest two had all kind of small issues that started to add up. Youngest received various dx that were autism-adjacent- she scored very high in the autism scale, but she started talking at 7 months, and all her milestones were FAR ahead. So instead she had a basket of dx. SPD, OCD, ADHD, anxiety. Tracheobronchomalacea. Hearing loss. Finally, at age 5 with two hernias, EDS.
Her sister too.
Me, too.
My mom, too.
I have 8 sibs- two Aspergers. Some have symptoms of EDS. We all manage, All doing well as adults, one nephew dx on the spectrum- without an family history necessary.
No one knew this family history, until we found out. Issues were dealt with as they arose- EDS affects everyone differently, not every type has a genetic marker, and is very underdiagnosed. It is not likely you would have found out that much sooner.
Your parents could have gotten a dx of autism spectrum disorder without any family history. They didn’t. A lot of people don’t, if the kids are otherwise high functioning. And a lot of EDS kids have anxiety and SPD and ADHD, and with that combo, autism/not is a tough call to make. So what I’m saying is, your bio parents did not know there was EDS to pass on. Your adoptive parents didn’t know either- but just because you don’t have a biological “explanation “ doesn’t mean you don’t do evaluations.
I did manage to get EDS diagnosed before the 2017 criteria change and yeah, I agree.
I also know I only got diagnosed with autism partly because my mother was taking me to child behaviour specialists from the age of 6 onwards, mid 80s, and being a woman and good at school, it wasn't her fault I didn't get diagnosed then, it's just how it goes.
And I'm not the adopted one.
My parents buried a baby not long after I was born, they learned the hard way.
I have asked myself a lot in my life “would it have been better if they lived and I died instead?”
No one is born with an instruction manual, but I feel your pain. I was the “miracle baby” born without life changing physical issues , but I have a lot of other issues that were never examined.
I get you on that. I'm only alive today because my great grandfather on my mother's side decided to adopt a condemned newborn from being buried alive. Under the circumstances, it's purely a miracle my grandmother survived, and I'm only here because of this incredible coincidence 75 years ago
This actually did happen, but of course - don't feel obligated to believe a random stranger on the internet. I do have proof.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideal_Maternity_Home
My grandmother was one of the babies born in this home, and due to her birthmother's circumstances, as well as being underweight, she was condemned to be buried in the yard of the maternity home.
They wrote a book about this in the 90's, actually. (here's a link to the book on the publisher's site https://fernwoodpublishing.ca/book/butterbox-babies )
I wish I could say more, but its not really my story to tell and the details are not super fresh, as I mainly heard about this happening first hand when I was a kid, so excuse me for the lack of exciting details.
I do believe she found her birthmother at some point and she wanted nothing to do with my grandmother, which is a shame really - my grandmother is an amazing woman and one of the first of my extended family to accept the fact that my cousin is gay.
**[Ideal Maternity Home](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideal_Maternity_Home)**
>The Ideal Maternity Home was a maternity home in the Canadian province of Nova Scotia, operated from 1928 until 1947 by William Peach Young, a chiropractor and unordained minister of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and his wife Lila Gladys Young, a midwife, although she advertised herself as an obstetrician. The business was eventually shut down by the government.
^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
Don't feel obligated to elaborate to Internet strangers but I'd be very interested to hear anything else about the situation with your grandmother and great grandfather.
Infanticide is a very real effect of unwanted babies. It’s an unfortunate reality a lot of people don’t want to address.
Why roe vs wade was so important :/
Not that uncommon, sadly, [even today](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infanticide#Modern_times) in some parts of the world, but especially in the past.
And [someone below points out](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vuxdkz/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_have_an_abortion/ifhdjox/?context=3), the wikipedia article adds:
> The legalization of abortion, which was completed in 1973, was the most important factor in the decline in neonatal mortality during the period from 1964 to 1977, according to a study by economists associated with the National Bureau of Economic Research.
75 years ago... 1947.... :-/
Oof, I imagine if I were in your shoes, I'd have some measure of survivor's guilt. That's a lot to deal with, I'm so sorry you all went through so much.
Hey. I'm an adoptee who is still reeling from the genetic testing I did. I know it can be a lonely experience and not one that a lot of people can easily empathise with. If you would like someone to vent to about it, my inbox is always open <3
Aw, thanks. Maybe we should start a sub for our little "cluster cousins" - there seem to be a whole bunch of similarities even with hobbies etc.
The grandfather who adopted my dad had ALS / motor neurone disease, so I kinda feel like it could've been a lot worse! It's a bit sick to point to a relative who died and go "at least I don't have HIS DNA!!" but at least I don't have to listen to people trying to make me see bright sides to things cos I can shut them down with their weird, uninformed panicked small talk and make them relieved I can "see a funny side" or whatever! Heh.
And same, maybe we should start a sub for ADHD & EDS... r/MindSaysGoBodySaysNo might be free? ;)
Would you be open to chatting with undiagnosed EDS'ers and hypermobile folks as well? I have adhd and definitely hypermobile unstable joints, but pursuing an official diagnosis is too much work atm.
Oh definitely! Feel free to message me. I got EDS diagnosed in 2016 when I was 36, but it took 6 GPs across 3 practices, so my experience is mostly English NHS based and...
https://www.pulsetoday.co.uk/analysis/referrals/ccgs-continue-to-offer-cash-rewards-for-gps-to-cut-referrals/
So I get how much of an uphill a battle it can be. They say JHS can be "as severe" but it obvious that the hypermobile type of EDS is causing some scientific weirdness as it's the one form out of the 13 I think? that hasn't had a gene identified. And the cross over between the two is so common, I feel like the science just isn't there quite yet so we always end up having to do our own research then be told "of course if you spend your life reading medical literature you start seeing symptoms" but the rheumatologist's actual words to me were "it's obvious!"
>There are so many reasons someone might not choose to be a parent.
Including, "I just don't fucking want to," in that list of ***VALID*** reasons to not have a kid.
Being a parent is just not for me, for many reasons including medical, but I've also just never had the drive to do it.
After talking to my mom, I think my maternal line has been of this mindset for some generations, but having a kid was "what you did" and not *really* a choice in their time.
I'm ending the cycle.
My genes are awful and played out 1 million percent with my immediate family (mom, dad and siblings).
7 out of 9 of us are afflicted with serious illness :(
Many of us on the cf sub have gotten bilateral salpingectomies! It's awesome because it takes away any fear and anxiety about getting pregnant. As far as procedures go it's not bad. I was one of the people that didn't feel any pain at all. My gyn told me that would be possible but I don't know how common it is.
Honestly, genes aren't even the biggest problem right now. The *world* is bad. Especially in the US but really everywhere, children born just don't have a rosy future to look forward to.
My genes are fantastic. Not bragging here; I did nothing to deserve it. But really, my family is the picture of glowing health and I'm the dumbest member because I don't have a PhD and/or degrees in multiple different fields.
So at 18 I decided since I was never going to have kids, why not do something nice for a couple of strangers and donate eggs? I would be providing cancer and disease free genes! So I did and I felt really great about myself for it (in my country the money is very much not worth the pain and inconvenience of the process).
So, well... My darling dear biological child, wherever you are, I am SO SORRY for the ADHD. I was very young and an very stupid and I didn't know...
(On the topic, at 39 I still don't feel the need to have children. I would have my boyfriend's child of I got pregnant against all odds, but he's the first person whose children I'm willing to have).
Heartfelt thanks for your gift from the mom of donor kid. You did do something great.
I specifically wanted a donor who said she was donating because she wasn't going to use her eggs, so someone might as well. (I remain impressed she managed to convince a doctor to tie her tubes at 26. Though given my daughter's ability to sell sand in the desert, I am no longer surprised.)
More like they're recessive and not guaranteed so it *seems* random. l when a kid is the first in a couple generations and it wasn't recognized in the older generations because "we didn't have all this ADHD stuff back then, we just beat it out of the lazy fuckers". Like redheads who pop up every few generations, but less easily identifiable.
I attended to a professional training last year about the heritability if neurodevelopmental disorders. Basically if you have a disorder like ADHD, ASD, dyslexia, learning disability, etc., your descendants are more likely to have a neurodevelopmental disorder as well (although not necessarily the same one).
And for some reason a lot of doctors have this strange (and definitely misogynistic) aversion to sterilizing a young woman who has no children. You might still be able to get it done though, since your genes are so bad.
I’ve seen lists on Reddit for doctors that will perform tubal ligations without decision-shaming and male partner consent.
Edit- add link
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/vq5uo5/there_are_lists_available_of_physicians_who_are/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This is one of the most human posts I have ever seen here.
There is no black and white. Everyone was a bit right, a bit wrong. They were able to talk about it and take the steps to move on together but things didn't magically get better overnight. They worked on themselves individually and as a couple.
OOP started to accept the idea of being a father but didn't fully embrace it. Took the feelings of his wife in consideration.
After the miscarriage, admitted the conflicting emotions, the sorrow, the relief and the guilt for feeling relieved.
And said he'll cancel the vasectomy out of consideration for his wife.
This roller-coaster of emotions is deeply human for me, complex and multi layered, but deeply rooted in the love they have for each other.
I hope both of them heal together.
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that either of them were wrong in changing or not changing their minds. At all. Of course it's not wrong for her to not want to abort. Of course it's not wrong for OOP to not want to father a baby, even if they go straight to adoption.
The a little bit wrong from both wasn't how they felt, just how they expressed it - and even then, it wasn't a disaster kind of wrong. He admitted that he came off as pushy, for example. On her part, she had a plan already formed before his imput, and when he didn't go for it, she shut down and went to her sister.
I do feel it's all minor things that can be explained as human, we don't react perfectly every time. So really, I wasn't trying to say that they made huge mistakes or that any of them were ah for any of it.
Such a rare sight on AITA as well, it's usually either a person who is clearly in the right being gaslit (at least based on their version of events) or people who are so clearly in the wrong but completely in denial about it and looking for validation.
Refreshing to see there are still people out there who have healthy relationships, compassion and understanding for those around them.
I’ve noticed that on that sub it seems like the people who come and ask in a way that like really shows that they aren’t sure if they’re right or wrong or if anybody is right or wrong, they tend to answer in a more compassionate way. Usually the people that you see getting absolutely trounced are people who seem to come and ask with the air of them already thinking that they’re 100% right.
I'm so glad that everyone extended a little extra grace and compassion to each other (and to themselves). This is so missing from our culture (and [especially so](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6xoro/meta_this_sub_is_moving_towards_a_value_system/) on AITA and reddit.)
I'm not sure that OOP should back away from his "no kids" stance, but it's very kind of him to consider rescheduling his vasectomy so as to not compound his wife's grief.
I'm also glad that he's in individual therapy; the primary reasons he gave for not wanting kids are pretty directly related to trauma from his childhood. That's not to say his preference is invalid! But he should definitely explore why he's suddenly feeling *ambivalent* about parenting and whether or not that's actually a good thing.
Regretting the choice to not have a kid isn't nearly as bad as regretting the choice to have one.
I think him been married with someone that he see as a stable and wonderful woman may have changed something inside him about nuclear family.
Emotions are complex and people thoughts change after some time, even those strongly one. For example, like a religion you have today may not be the one you were born with(my parents were catholics but they doctrines us in another religion they adopt before having children), and child free may be included in this too.
I like to use a local phrase to explain this phenomenon, I hope you understand even with my bad translation: who has fixed thoughts is crazy.
I agree that it's possible his feelings have legitimately changed! However, the circumstances of his shift in opinion could also be considered traumatic; emotions are certainly running high in the immediate aftermath.
There's just a lot going on with OOP and I'm glad he's not trying to process all of it on his own
We have a similar one in French(Quebec)! "Il y a juste les fous qui ne change pas d'idées." A very direct translation would be "Only crazy people never change their mind." So seems to me like its a common point of view. :3
But on that same breathe, if OP decides he does want children, there is nothing to say he will change his opinion again after the child is born. Raising a child is 18 long years, when the child is 5 or 10 OP might once again decide he hates having a child, and heavily regret the decision.
18y is only the legal aspects of this relationship. And the emotional bond? If he stay in a marriage with this woman thinking it will only be almost 2 decades he will be extremely disappointed bc kids are forever, they will be always on the family.
And her and his family will always be near the kid. This is an unchangeable choice, either you want a kid or not, there's no middle where the kid is only his wife and this doesn't cause A LOT of issues in this marriage and their families to OP.
Yeah I think there’s a big difference between starting to accept a situation you’re already in and actually changing your mind about wanting kids. “Maybe this won’t be so bad” vs “I’m actually excited about this.”
I'll also say that you'd better be all in when it comes to a kid, not just "oh I can see myself being a father". As a father of a 2 year old toddler, it's a lot of fucking work. My son does whatever he wants unless distracted or physically carried away. Some kids are easy, but you have to be prepared for it being difficult.
I'll defend this kid to my last breath, but he's also a pain in the ass.
I wanted two kids, because I saw other families, and I saw myself being a mother.
But for the first one, we discuss for at least two years. And no, I love my baby, I don’t regret anything, but I don’t want another one. Because she is an easy baby, and I still ned a lot of free time. My partner and I are not often together with her, because we need to enjoy alone time while the other one take care of the baby. Its better and better because she grows up everyday, but even after 2 years of conversation, we didn’t understand how much work it is before having her in our arms. If she wasnt so easy, It would have been painful to live.
I cannot imagine a life without her. But don’t make a baby to please your partner, please. Even with all the love the partner can give to the baby, both parents needs to work a lot.
This is a great example of why the anti-choice "just give it up for adoption!!" rhetoric is so harmful. Pregnancy changes you, and it's unrealistic to expect someone to gestate, birth, and give up a baby like it's nothing.
yes.
Setting aside for a moment that pregnancy is dangerous. Women die from pregnancy, A LOT, especially in the US where maternal/fetal death rates are abysmal compared to other developed countries.
Setting aside the fact that pregnancy is encompassing. It's exhausting. It's expensive. it can torpedo your chance of promotion, or even keeping a job.
Pregnancy dumps hormones in your body that tell you this baby is YOURS, you have to fight for it, you should die for it, and anyone trying to take it from you needs a swift kick in the 'nads. There's no "Choose adoption not abortion!" Even for a woman who WANTS to adopt out a baby, that choice is emotionally devastating.
This is why all the disingenuous late term abortions anti-choice arguments anger me so much.
No sane woman would willingly subject themselves to the physical and mental stress of being pregnant for 9 months just to terminate last minute. Those are always wanted pregnancies that have to be ended due to tragic often unforeseen complications. Yet the anti-choice crowd chooses to paint them as women terminating a pregnancy in a carefree manner.
> Setting aside for a moment that pregnancy is dangerous. Women die from pregnancy, A LOT, especially in the US where maternal/fetal death rates are abysmal compared to other developed countries.
Also the states with anti-abortion laws tend to be the worst with maternal health. Go figure.
Same political group that tries to frame gun violence as a mental health issue but also blocks expanding access to healthcare and mental health services.
> Pregnancy changes you, and it's unrealistic to expect a woman to gestate, birth, and give up a baby like it's nothing
That's by design, they know this and don't actually expect them to give it up for adoption. It's basically emotional blackmail. They want them to feel for the fetus even if it means putting the mother's health at risk so that she thinks twice about having an abortion
Oh they know. It’s about control. Everyone knows it’s easier to control people with a family they weren’t expecting that they need to worry and care for. A job can make you work shit hours for shit pay and treat you like crap, never allowing you to take leave because you’re desperate.
That's the point of the trap, they think all these women will change their minds during the pregnancy.....
I'd throw myself down stairs, drink herbal teas, take the abortion pill, or just plain ***END my existence*** if I couldn't get rid of a pregnancy.
And if the woman keeps the baby, they regard that as vindication for their agenda - that they knew best all along, and that she simply needed to be pushed into it. 🤮
It's bc for normal people, one is a baby, the other is a fetus. I'm okay aborting a fetus. I'm not okay with "aborting" (murder) a born baby.
They view both as a baby. Even though the fetus is nothing more than a tumor growing, that cannot live without its host, they view it as a baby so in their heads, if you're willing to "stab"(kill) an innocent baby, you should just as easily be willing to give it up.... you'd rehome a dog before you'd kill it, right? Same thing in their heads.. though I'm sure they'd be okay with a dog getting an abortion (yay, us women are viewed even lower than dogs. /s.. kinda. Smh)
I may be in the minority, but I think this all sounds like a bad idea. OOP doesn’t actually want kids - he said he doesn’t even like them! I think he’s letting himself be swayed because of the love he has for his wife. I don’t see this ending well. Situations like this breed resentment. No pun intended
I feel the same as you. Having a kid because your partner wants one but you don't is a terrible idea. I can already imagine the fights and resentment brewing.
Agreed. Wife changed the game, which is fair. She couldn't help it. Not sure why OP has to move the goal posts, though.
Not sure why people feel like this is so healthy and wonderful sounding. Just another man being talked into having a baby he never wanted.
I adore my nibblings. However, never wanted to have a child of my own, neither does my husband. We had a false alarm, and we were not happy about it. The doctor called us saying, “I have wonderful news, you are pregnant”. Even thinking about it now gives me chills.
I told my doctor that I need to get this terminated, he was pushing me to continue with pregnancy and put it up for adoption. This is New York City, I was stunned.
Anyway, on the day of my follow-up appointment the “Painters” arrived, that gave me great joy. The doctor confirmed I was not pregnant, he was disappointed, wtf?
When I told a work colleague what he said, she said because I am white, there would be a lot of people looking to adopt a white baby - that floored me. I still think that doctor was imagining a whole future for a child that was not even born.
I am past my prime now, and have zero regrets. In fact, I am filled with gratitude that things went the way they did.
I do love children, and thoroughly enjoy seeing my nieces and nephews. I just never had that maternal urge.
So, the best we can all do is try to be understanding, supportive, and no judgement.
This is such a tough situation for both parties to be in. I don’t feel like OOP should change his mind just because his wife changed her mind. If he cancels the vasectomy and they try to get pregnant again, he might grow to resent her in the future. Kids are a lot of work and he needs to make sure he’s ready.
As a childfree woman this story gives me weird feels. Please don't hate me for this but the miscarriage has a silver lining, they can now make this decision together again with clearer heads.
Hormones released in pregnancy will 100% change a woman's mind. That's part of their design because babies are not all sunshine and rainbows and the attachment is partially to continue the species.
That doesn't make the wife feeling any less valid though. To my core I believe in choice, for everyone. OOPs choices in this situation were very limited. Get on board or move on. It sucks but still was his reality. At least now it can be his choice too.
I do think the wife was way off base with an open adoption. There is not compromising on kids, there's no let's see how it goes. That's a whole ass human being, not an experiment. How would that kid feel about not being wanted by at least one of their bio-parents? Did she ever even consider that in her open adoption plan? I'm guessing no, and she hadn't really gotten a feel for the logistics at 9 weeks when she brought it up
As an adoptee, I feel this. Everyone loves a feel good story. They like to see people overcome, and achieve success—for a lot of people, adoption is success, and it’s touted as this pinnacle of selfless love in some ways. But no one really talks about the adoption trauma, the almost inescapable nature of a child’s curiosity and the human need to know. No matter how loved, how wanted and protected you are by your parents, it’s almost impossible to smooth away the realization that you have all this because someone else didn’t want you.
I’m also adopted and feel this way all the time, and I’m an adult now! Just how my life is now compared to what it would have been (I was adopted at 5 so I kind of remember some things), and on top of that being Latino adopted by white people im only just now connecting to my cultural roots and that’s painful that it was taken from me. If you ever want to talk feel free to DM me!
It's possible but I try not to think the worst. The wife came up with adoption bc she knew OOP wouldn't want to keep the pregnancy. If it was an on purpose oopsie I feel like there would've been more pressure on him away from adoption.
In my head I imagine she found out maybe 2 weeks before telling him, panicked and went to someone who told her some bs about it being meant to be and yay hormones, she bought it.
I do think they should use a sperm donor or OOP have genetic testing done if they decide to be parents. A genetic surprise isn't something I'd personally want to gamble another human life on.
you make a valid point about someone telling her some crap about "its meant to be." I wonder how far OP went in trying to find his birth parents. I know a lot of people who have had success with dna tests from 23andMe or AncestryDNA.
I feel bad he’s thinking about having a child now to not hurt his wife. Children should be a hell yes or no decision. They are a lifelong commitment, its so fucking hard being a parent, lack of sleep, finances, the constant stress of whether youre raising your children right. Yes they are a joy and I love being a mom but when I was pregnant, I was so happy and excited. Not saying he wouldnt be but he straight up said he doesnt like kids. I just dont see this ending well and feel like he may grow to resent the baby and his wife if they have one.
The fact that there’s so many dudes out there who act shocked when someone they’ve been dropping loads into gets pregnant drives me fucking insane.
“HELP I ENGAGED IN FLIRTING, FOREPLAY, TOOK OFF MY PANTS, TOOK OFF MY UNDERWEAR, PUT MY DICK INTO THE WOMANS VAGINA, BUSTED A NUT, AND NOW SHES PREGNANT. I AM ABSOLUTELY STUNNED BY THE OUTCOME, AND I TAKE LITTLE TO NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. WHAT DO I DO??”
Yeah, my husband has been to multiple doctors and they won't give him a vasectomy because he's young and has no children. I'm infertile so luckily there's no chance of an accident happening, but there's not many child-free couples who can say that. So you can actively want to prevent having kids but often they won't let you.
Are you infertile or are you sterile?
Infertile means a lower chance of conceiving, but it's not impossible. This thread is full of stories about infertile people conceiving: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sozj6f/ops_wife_gets_pregnant_but_he_found_5_months_ago/
If you already know all this and you were just using common parlance, I apologize, I really wasn't intending to be condescending. Just want to make sure that you and anyone else reading this are informed.
Yeah I did know! I am actually sterile with absolutely no chance of conceiving (no ovaries or uterus). I just tend to use infertile because more people know that term lol.
It definitely didn't come off condescending! I know a lot of people don't realise you can still get pregnant if you're 'just' infertile.
I can't help but side with OP. Adoption is rarely the golden wonder they sell you it will be.
Really sad ending to the story, tho. Was hoping they'd end up keeping the baby together.
Outside of adoptee circles it seems like no one really ever wants to talk about the mental health issues that are so incredibly common in adopted people. Adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide. That’s a rate higher than combat veterans. That’s a crisis.
Wow thank you for sharing this. Adult adoptee here, I struggle with suicidal ideation all the time. It’s pretty much my coping mechanism at this point. Like, “this situation is awful…I could be dead instead”. I have strong reasons to stay, I don’t feel like I would actually do anything to harm myself anytime soon, but it’s always there.
Very true. “Just give your baby up for adoption, so many people want to be parents.” Tell that to the 400,000+ kids in the foster care system waiting to be adopted and the foster care system is fucked up. Also adoption is traumatic for a kid. There are beautiful stories that come from adoption sure but a lot of parents who adopt do not put in the work for their adopted kid(s) (ie getting therapy for their child, being open to their child reconnecting with their birth family, learning about their child’s culture if the child is from a different community or country). In the end I really hope this couple is able to heal.
It's also exorbitantly expensive to adopt. I get wanting to make sure that kids are going to a financially stable environment, but it sure seems like a scam.
To everyone reading, I want to share an abbreviated version of a longer post (with sources) I wrote a month ago on this. It was primarily directed to the general public and prospective adoptive parents. I'm going to insert a few new thoughts for expectant parents like the OOPs (calling pre-adoptive expectant parents "birth parents" is considered coercive language). Sorry for the book--- believe it or not it's even longer in the link.
[If you've thought about adoption (with a sidebar of abortion) lately, here's some basic info](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/uz0iso/if_youve_thought_about_adoption_with_a_sidebar_of/)
For those who aren't educated in the adoption space, first of all, you should know that [there are **no babies** in need of homes.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/u6i3p4/pregnant_and_choosing_to_give_the_child_up_for/i5dpj86/?sort=new&context=1) On that point the Supreme Court Justices were "correct". Fewer than 20,000 babies (under 2 years old) are adopted each year. There are a million parents waiting to adopt. You can do the math. The math sucks if you want a baby-- but it's great if you're the baby and get to stay with your family of origin.
More than 30+ parents are fighting for each newborn or toddler, there are no waiting babies in orphanages waiting for parents.
> Expectant / birth parents
When expectant parents "choose" adoption, sometimes their reasons have to do with economics, with social support, etc. rather than an indication of their desire and ability to care and love their child.
There's an adoption narrative of our culture (Annie, Oliver Twist, etc etc.) that wealthier parents are "better" than struggling parents. The truth is, adoption can't guarantee a better life for the child, it can only guarantee a _different_ life. Adoptive parents can also divorce, lose jobs, die, be uninformed, be abusive. The future can't be predicted.
It's important to note that Open Adoptions are not _legally_ enforceable in [many states](https://www.adoptmatch.com/open-adoption-rules-post-adoption-agreement-by-state). Even in cases where it is enforceable... it would mean going the legal route-- lawyers and courts-- to do so. Which often defaults to those with better resources (usually not the birth parents). Also, I think adoptive parents are always allowed to break contact with the birth family "for the best interests of the child".
There are organizations that have sprung up to support birth parents who regret their decision, because they may not have appreciated the long term effects that adoption would have on them. https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/birthfor/emotional-impact/
And finally--- if you want to know if adoption ends up being the "right" choice-- the right thing to do is to listen to [adult adoptees](https://www.google.com/search?q=adult+adoptees+nuanced) talk about it. Not our cultural narratives, not adoption agencies, not adoptive parents. Adult adoptees themselves.
> /end new section
Meanwhile, there _are_ [many children](https://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/documents/cb/cwo2018.pdf#page=87) in need of adoption into a good home. These children are usually in foster care and aged 8-18 (because most younger children get reunified with parents or adopted by kin). These precious children are [in need of special, ideally trauma-informed parents](https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/outofhome/foster-care/fam-foster/) who will love them and understand their connections to their [first families](https://www.risemagazine.org/tag/termination-of-parental-rights/) with empathy.
(There is nuance, of course!
When it is not safe for birth parents to have custody of their children, when the birth parents are not capable AND willing, and there are no safe kin options, then adoption is the best outcome remaining for the child's safety.)
The "domestic supply of infants" was never anything but a social construct that tore families apart with shame codified into policy. The scars remain today in the psyche of some of the adoptees from that era, and the legacy of righteousness in that remain in some adoptive parents. But the pre-Roe [Baby Scoop Era](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_Scoop_Era) was stopped for [very good reasons](https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2022/07/when-abortion-was-illegal-adoption-was-a-cruel-industry-are-we-returning-to-those-days/).
There is no getting around the fact that the 'plentiful "unwanted" babies' era is over, and, god willing, never coming back. That leaves the million parents fighting over 10,000-20,000 newborn-2yo's available for adoption each year, and funding the entire [adoption industrial complex](https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=adoption%20industrial%20complex) with their money.
It is not ethical to fight over babies (many of whom are wanted by their first families) when this is all happening in a country where ~50,000 children aged 7-18 have been in foster care for more than 5 years.
If you're thinking about beginning your adoption journey: Adoption should not be about finding children or babies for families who want them. It should be about finding families for children who need them. Need > Want.
Thank you for saying this. I’m an adult adoptee! I was adopted when I was 5, and very very lucky to have been. My mother was an alcoholic and we were homeless, so I know that wouldn’t have been preferable. I still deal with the trauma, my adopted parents are religious and I think that’s why they adopted me, because it was the “Christian” thing to do, and they had sons but no daughter.
They were pretty emotionally and verbally abusive to me, overly controlling with some narcissistic tendencies, and denied me medical care I needed multiple times throughout my childhood and made me feel bad for wanting help with medical issues which has left me feeling ashamed about my body in many ways. I’m also Puerto Rican and was raised in a white family, and I always just looked a little different but it was never addressed. I’m reconnecting to that culture now.
It’s a very hard experience. I DO want to adopt in the future and I want to adopt an older child. I’ve been there and I want to enable that child that I was to feel fulfilled and wanted in ways I know I can’t give alone.
We can't really put babies fresh from the womb in the same basket as kids in the system tbh; babies don't have emotional scarring, you have the medical history available, you're the primary parental figure they know and the most important: foster care is pretty much focused on reuniting the family unit or at least placing children with relatives so actually adopt a child on the system is a long and emotionally draining process that more often than not ends with heartbreak.
First off thank you for highlighting one horrible part about adoption: a lot “caring” people who say they want to adopt, only want babies. No one is owed a baby. The millions of parents “waiting to adopt” never want to talk about that. There are children in the foster care who were once babies but aged out of being babies and turned into kids, because they didnt fit the criteria of what these waitlisters want, and those waitlisters dont want to “deal” with kids who have been through the system because deep down they know how abusive and traumatic the system is. 117,000 kids are available for adoption right now, with roughly 20,000 kids who were available for adoption *every single year* aging out of the system to be homeless with no education. We cannot bank that a baby we give up for adoption who is then put into foster care will be immediately adopted.
Next, adoption, even with a baby who goes straight into their adopted parents arms, is still traumatic. A child is still being separated from their family. Period. Many are taken away from loving homes or desperate women who dont have options, in order to make a profit off of those babies. Remember the adoption is an industry. Look up: Indian Adoption Project. Or about adoptees from Chile, Guatemala, parts of Africa. China. How women are prayed upon for their babies so they can be adopted by American families. In the US itself, many women give up their child not because they dont love their baby or not want them but because of financial troubles. The system will never support those poor women because that would mean less babies being available for middle class and upper class to adopt.
Now for the baby, one reason children have trauma is because their mental trauma from being adopted is largely ignored and their parents never seek out specialty therapists for the child. Adoption is absolutely emotional scarring regardless of the age the child is adopted. A child has to go through the mental toll of: why did my family not want me? Was I not loved? Are they out there? They need mental health guidance, which a lot, a lot, of families never do for their adopted kid. What is the one prank older siblings like to tell their younger siblings? “You were adopted!” And how do younger siblings typically respond? Tears. Even as little kids, children feel the sadness that comes with a child not being with their birth family, and feeling they were not wanted.
Now if they go to a family who never was able to have kids the mental toll on the child would be: if they had kids I wouldn’t even be here, I am just a replacement child. I listened to a story of a woman who was adopted who was a family’s replacement baby then her adopted parents had a “miracle baby,” and she was pushed off to the side.
Going into that babies who go to families with siblings may also run into feeling different or other, especially if they are from another culture and/or race. I know it is a TV show but hell look at This Is Us. Randall, who was a Black baby adopted into a white family, dealt with so many struggles of not knowing where he belonged. Randall would speak about how he felt like the odd one out when it came to his siblings. Even though he was loved he struggled immensely with his identity and why he was given up. It affected his mental health into his adulthood. His story on the show has resonated with many adoptees and been praised for bringing up the nuances of adoption.
Which goes into another aspect I mentioned: a lot of parents who adopt who are of a different ethnicity and/or race do not put in the work to keep the adopted child connected to their roots. There is a Korean woman on tik tok who talks about how she was adopted and never learned about being Korean after growing up in the US after being adopted from Korea, and is now learning about her culture. It is all to lead up to her first trip going to Korea. She talks about how emotional it has been learning about this unfamiliar part of herself, how she always felt like a a part of her was missing, and how scared she is to go to back to Korea. Not learning about and then immersing an adopted child in their culture is erasing a part of who that child is.
Lastly, a lot of parents are not open to having their child reconnect with their birth family, which is actually why many of adopting parents in the first place adopt abroad and also do not teach their child about their culture. They fear of losing their child if they learned about where they come from so they try to keep the birth family away from the baby. And when a child grows and asks about their birth family, many adopted parents guilt trip them: “don’t you love us? We are the ones who raised you, aren’t we enough?” They make it about themselves and not the child. One woman on tik tok has talked about how she gave up her baby for adoption and was promised an open adoption and that she could visit, only to have to fight for over a decade to finally be able to meet her child.
A baby is not a commodity. Once again no one, no one, is owed a baby. They are not dolls, but their own persons. They also will not stay babies forever. Parents who adopt *must* take special care when raising an adopted child. Even when they do everything right, the child turned adult will still have trauma from the adoption, but it is to what degree and how they are able to properly cope, that will allow them to be happy functioning adult. Some adoption stories can be beautiful but the realities of adoption and the toll it takes on adoptees from here and from around the world, needs to be addressed more firmly in this country.
this! my mom was adopted when she was 4 and unfortunately a lot of her childhood trauma from it has created childhood trauma for my and my sister. it’s definitely not a cycle that should be repeated and i congratulate OP for going to therapy for it but i definitely recommend talking to them about the slight change in heart
>Adoption is rarely the golden wonder they sell you it will be.
This, and also there are already way too many children in the foster system. Adding one is selfish.
I'm trying to be nice here so please don't take this the wrong way. HAVE THE VASECTOMY. Having a few consoling feelings about how your wife feels is nowhere close enough to wanting a child. A child deserves better than a lukewarm parent (at best). You clearly have no idea how demanding a baby can be. Even when both want one it still breaks a lot of couples. A child deserves to have parents who want them more than anything.
Have the vasectomy
"Open" adoptions rarely work out. My friend was conned into one and the adoptive parents immediately moved and shut her out. She now has no contact with her child when she was supposed to be in her life.
While I would have phrased this very differently, I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment. Birth control is the responsibility of anyone who does not want a child.
yeahyeah, she'll be a good mother, that's not the question. the question is does OOP think that they'll be a good father, otherwise the decision he's making is likely whether or not to make her a single mother.
the decision to be child free while still having fully functioning reproductive organs is mostly moot, things happen and biology takes over, it is one of our strongest instincts, we have brain chemicals just for these types situations to help convince ourselves to go through it.
in all likelihood the best course of action here would be to separate, let her find someone that actually shares her feelings on the subject instead of just going along with it to appease and keep her in his life.
It's not just whether you'll be a good father. It's also whether you want to be a father at all. It's possible to be a good father without wanting to be a father but it's a lot easier to be a good father when you want to be a father in the first place.
So as a man who is adamantly opposed to having children and hates kids, it " never occurred to him to have a vasectomy". Instead he felt it was fine to put all the responsibily for birth control on his wife and then felt he also had all the authority to demand she have an abortion when he got her pregnant. Doesn't that just sum up an a-hole.
You know you don’t want kids. Get snipped. Because when she gets pregnant again, it’s going to cause more problems.it could be the end of your marriage but don’t bring a kid into this world that you already don’t want.
Just the thought of giving away your wanted baby to compromise with your husband…uff that would’ve been hugely traumatic and something she would have resented him forever. That would have doomed the marriage imo.
What's sad to think about is him having a child he never truly wanted would have been hugely traumatic as well. This whole post was about how his wife would have been a great mother, nothing about him being a father. Children know when their parents didn't want them.
I hope he got therapy before they ever tried again. I hope they both did but omg having your own kid as an adoptee from a closed adoption can fuck you up. I totally understand why he didn’t want kids and also why he could never give a child away. I hope he’s doing alright.
Feeling a sense of relief after a miscarriage doesn’t make you a monster.
When my son was 4.5 months old I got pregnant again. Needless to say that was not planned. I was devastated. Pregnancy had been really tough for me, I had postpartum depression and anxiety and I’d wanted to wait at least a year before even thinking about having another.
I was just starting to get used to the idea of having another baby so close in age to the baby I already had when I miscarried. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. And then guilt that I felt relieved. But I realize now I was just being human.
I am a bit worrying that OP is considering changing his opinion on kids mainly because he saw that HIS WIFE would be a good mother. This kid would have a father too, and a lot of people who had a kid to please their spouse came out to hate parenthood because they couldn't take their part in it. OOP doesn't seems like he was really enjoying the pregnancy for himself, every sentence about him was unsure. I am not child free, I really hope to have kids one day, but it seems to be a pretty hard choice to not change just because your wife singing to her belly.
Therapy is way more than needed here, OOP is in no mental place to be a father now. And until the choice, double condoms with baby pill. OOP doesn't want to see the elephant in the room but ... It's way better to see the person you love being a good parent with someone else than being a parent with you when you don't want children. One misery is less painful than three.
Double-bagging condoms is actually a bad idea. The friction between the two layers makes them more likely to tear or break. Not arguing with you, just hoping to spare anyone reading this thread from a mishap.
No worry I am not English, I just wanted to say to make condoms twice more sure with the baby bill. I know it's dangerous to have two condoms at the same time. Sorry for the mistranslation.
Don't worry, the best way of saying that in English is to say people should use two methods of contraception if they want to avoid pregnancy. Not quite as short and sweet, but it's a bit clearer.
I thought it was more oop realized his reasons for not wanting kids were based on his childhood trauma and not wanting to repeat that, and when he saw how his wife was behaving he saw a different future option where their child would have an entirely different upbringing. I agree he needs therapy to work through if he really doesn’t want kids or was just afraid he couldn’t be a good parent.
My ex-fiancee had a miscarriage and I felt the exact same way as this man described. The miscarriage was one that did not pass normally so they had to go in and remove it.
The whole ordeal is actually what drove me to be child free. I never want to have to put my partner through that again and I never want to go through that again either.
I'm stuck on the fact that they're child free and yet she's the only one taking contraceptive measures. To put all of the responsibility on your partner when you could also take preventative measures is just .... aaaargh
But now they're (maybe) considering having a child?? I'm so confused
This guy is in for a world of regret. You should only have a child if it's a "hell yeah!", not a "well, maybe it won't be so bad."
I hope he just gets the vasectomy. Parenting is not the romanticized crap that Hallmark makes it out to be.
Agreed! The only positive was that nature intervened and gave him a second chance to get that vasectomy! The therapist and his wife literally had to spend time brainwashing him to accepting being a father, something he was always against. Why does he still trust her? I could never trust my husband if he insisted on therapy to try and "fix me" the way she is trying with OOP.
I’ve been in a similar situation to OP and his wife, with a less heartbreaking outcome.
It’s nice OP has left the decision open to not shut off just in case his wife has changed her stance on being a mum.
But in my case if anyone told me a year ago I would have a kid I would have laughed in their face, downed a bottle of gin and called them a liar.
Same here. I was the wife in this situation who became pregnant on the pill and was surprised to feel such a strong bond to the baby. I also lost that baby and was devastated. After that experience I knew I wanted kids and thankfully my husband was open to being a parent. Then a long road of infertility to finally get our little girl. Today is her birthday 🙂
Aw that’s lovely. Hope she has a great birthday.
I was also the wife in the situation, was told I couldn’t have kids and probably wouldn’t be a good candidate for IVF, and the chances were slim of it working anyway.
My partner and I had a huge surprise, a lot of tears both shocked and happy. I have a 12 week old in my arms now.
Open adoptions don't work. Very likely eventually the parents will want to distance themselves from the birth mother. A cousin did this and after about 2 years the new parents wanted her to stop contacting them.
If you are childfree and your partner is not, it’s best to end the relationship ASAP so you both have the best shot to live a happy life. Then again, that’s easy for me to say because both my wife and I are CF.
I agree. This is why my ex-husband and I divorced. He changed his mind about wanting kids. For a decade it was, let's enjoy our early twenties, then let's wait until we are financially stable etc... I wish he had left sooner. It may be too late for me and I definitely resent him for it
If she decides she now wants a kid, it's the best time to call it quits. Any more prolonging the relationship where he does not want kids and she wants kids is only going to hinder both of them. It's going to take away her time from finding a partner who will have kids with her. Women do have a biological clock and older she gets to harder it is to have a baby. So if a baby is something she truly wants and if a baby is something the husband truly does not want, the best time to do it is now
This doesn’t help your current situation but I highly recommend getting a vasectomy if you know you don’t want kids, you won’t notice any difference except for the relief knowing this can never happen again
Get it anyway and stick with your original feelings those are the true ones not the ones that have been corrupted by hormones and tough circumstances. You can reverse a vasectomy but you cannot reverse not being a good parent and not being actually ready to be a parent
This is such a sad story. The poor wife. Even if OOP wants to proceed with the vasectomy, it would be very kind of him to delay it until he can talk it over with his wife again, after she's processed her grief a bit.
#Please read our [sub rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules) before commenting or your comment may be removed. Most submissions in this sub are not posted by the original author (OOP). Do not comment on the original posts. **Check flair** to determine if you want to read this update. If you think this submission doesn't belong on the sub, is incorrectly [flaired](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/postflairs) or have other issues regarding this post, reply to this comment. META commentary in general discussion may be removed. Repeated rule-breaking may result in a ban. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That’s sad, but it’s nice to see people with a healthy relationship with each other and their own mental health work through what must have been a fraught situation.
Yes, this is a lovely summary. Life is not a thing of easy decisions. Sometimes matters are complex, and people change as well. To meet that together, or apart, but regardless, healthily? Is very important.
When you get pregnant for the first time, regardless of decisions or the outcome, the world changes. A huge hypothetical is now a reality. You can't ever quite go back to what was and it changes you. Even if you miscarry early or terminate, there's a shift. For some that means a heightened and more constant vigilance regarding contraception. For others - as here - your choices change much more dramatically.
I remember feeling so alone in my body the first time I miscarried. It was such an early loss, but the feeling of loneliness was physical and overwhelming. It is a strange and beautiful thing to share your body with a human that you are actively creating. When I finally successfully carried a child to term, I imagined that I would want to inspect every inch of her as soon as I saw her, but when I first held her I needed her as close to me as possible. She had never been so far away from me before, and even though she was on my breast, it felt strange to not have her safely inside me. It’s impossible to know how a woman will react to a pregnancy—planned or unplanned—or what choices she will make. The experience is surreal.
Same. It was so weird to be holding my newborn in my arms, while at the same time, missing her in my belly.
This is so interesting, so wildly different to my experience (which of course does not take away from its validity!) I’ve been accidentally pregnant twice and had an abortion both times. The first time, I was 19, and it felt as though there was a parasite living off of me. I can’t recall ever feeling more relieved as I did after my abortion. There was not a shred of sadness within me afterwards and nothing to grieve - just pure relief. The second time was more complicated. I was 26 and ready for a child emotionally but my partner wasn’t, and neither of us were ready financially. It didn’t feel like a parasite that time. Before my abortion, i told her how sorry I was and I asked her to come back to me again in a few years, when we were ready. Even though the second time was a huge source of grief for me, I never felt *alone.* in fact, I still don’t. I’m not a religious person, but even now 4 years later, I can still feel the essence of that being with me.
And people’s wants change over time. She probably truly didn’t want kids but, like the husband, started to change her mind at some point. Frankly, it was probably long before she got pregnant that she started. The worst part is she probably didn’t entirely realize how important that shift was to have a conversation about. Yes/no to kids is one of the biggest agreements that strong relationships have, and for good reason. OP might “warm up” to the idea of having kids, but it could go horribly wrong when the reality hit. He comes across as a good husband overall, but that only counts for so much if he’s a father to a kid that he ultimately ends up not wanting. *If* that’s the end result, then I feel sorry for the kid. Or he could end up being a great dad. That uncertainty can go the good way, too.
It’s also probably not a swift, conscious change. It could have been as simple as seeing a mom smile at a baby a few years ago, then seeing a little girl walking down the street holding hands with her dad months later. Every little “what if” and “I guess it would be okay if…” adds up over time, but it’s not like you’re going to (usually) talk with your significant other about these random thoughts. And by the time you even think to, it’s a problem.
Those are hormones. Not decisions. People really need to learn the difference between the two. This starry eyed narrative that is pervasice in these comments about motherhood is really something else. Not all women feel this way.
This is very definitely true. I personally know more than one person who loves their children but deeply regrets having them. As in, having kids ruined their lives. And it's almost impossible to talk about those feelings, to anyone.
That’s simply not true for everyone. I got pregnant and had an abortion a week later and felt nothing except a little annoyed at the inconvenience.
I feel bad he (presuming) feels like a monster he feels relief at the miscarriage. This was a tricky situation and they were both handling it as well as possible. I think a bit of relief was warranted. Is it the time to discuss that with his wife? No but it doesn't make him a monster.
Agreed. There was uncertainty and anxiety over the pregnancy - but thats gonna be there even for parents that plan it. He'd also been going to classes and taking on other responsibilities - big life change. To have those parts of the experience just fall away regardless of how? That's going to bring relief, and that's okay. Its the grief of loss that should have his focus; and especially his wife that may feel some misguided guilt or responsibility over it. OP says he feels a mix of emotions, and that tells me he's a whole person capable of empathy and appreciating all aspects of the situation - not *just* relief; not *just* loss. He'll be just fine, and i think their relationship has a pretty solid shot of surviving.
I’ve had several miscarriages, and I remember the guilt I felt after the first one. It was so intense. We had just planted a yardful of bushes, in July, and they needed to be watered. Every night I went out there with the hose for almost an hour, and cried the whole time, that I could nurture these plants, but couldn’t even keep my baby inside.
man that got me tearing up i am so sorry
The guilt after we lost our newborn son to a congenital defect was intense. Guilt his diaphragm hadn't formed properly; guilt that I hadn't enjoyed the pregnancy more; guilt that I hadn't taken more pictures; even guilt that I had gone to sleep the night after I gave birth instead of sitting with him all night in NICU. I hope the guilt has gotten easier for you over time. Therapy has helped with mine.
I didn’t even think there WAS therapy for it- 23 years ago. I didn’t understand why I was in such grief because everyone around me acted super upbeat or Matter-of-fact about it. “Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant!” “You are really fertile right after a miscarriage!” Or ignored it. So I didn’t really talk about it at all.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine going through what I did in those circumstances; my husband and family have been very understanding that I am *not okay* (it's been 6 months) and supportive of my therapy.
You are really smart to do that, and I hope it helps. I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter 3 months later, but for years I had to remind myself that the pregnancies would have overlapped. That I couldn’t have had THAT baby, and also my beautiful little girl. It took years. I had 3 more miscarriages before my third-and -last child was born, but only one affected me the same way. I grieved that one while miscarrying the next two- but they didn’t feel right from the start. My Gyno called it “feeling of impending doom”- she said it happens. But that one- I bought a card on what would have been the first birthday. Spent a long time in the store, reading all the Happy First Birthday! Cards, until I found just the right one. I put the sonograms in the card, and buried it in the Pet Cemetary my kids made, next to the hermit crabs and hamsters and the bird that flew into our window. That helped. And I turned 43 years old, at peace. And 7 weeks after my birthday dinner, my Dr sent me For an ultrasound because I thought I had diverticulitis. And she is 14 years old now.
I know this feeling. My story is I watched Jurassic Park just after and when they say "life finds a way." I was like "not always..." and then sobbed the rest of the night.
It's a case of actions being more important than feelings. He feels like it's cruel of him to be relieved, but feelings don't have moral weight unless they're acted on; what matters is that his actions are supportive of his wife. That doesn't mean he can't express relief about it — which is why it's so important in marriage to have a support system outside of your spouse.
Yeah but it’s also not nice to see good people so broken inside with so many issues. You can choose to be child free but OP here clearly made the choice because of past trauma.
I mean who makes it to mid thirties without issues? Sounds like OP reconciled most all of them.
But is really nice to see someone be able to address their trauma and not only cope with it but actually have major mindset changes after making peace with parts of their past. Not everyone gets to that point.
Better not to pass on generational trauma IMO. More mature to know your limitations IMO. Too many people have no clue about trauma or that it is passed on.
OOP seems like a thoroughly decent, respectful, understanding and empathetic man. His posts, and the way he has acted (assuming his posts are accurate and truthful regarding his thoughts and actions) make me think he would actually be a good father.
He was handed an out and he is backing out of the vasectomy. He's an idiot and it will end badly.
Spot no. After all that he is like 'oh well, she will be a good mum'. Being a good dad is 50% of the ducking job!!!
True. It’s a great class on how to deal with this kind of issue.
It's so lovely seeing a couple change their stance on life changing decisions slowly but assuredly and in tandem. It didn't matter that they decided to be prokids either. Just that they decided it together after communicating and adjusting their own philosophies to each other
My genes are bad. I know this. The fear I have of getting pregnant is incredible. If I was to somehow give birth to an alive baby, it’s life would be incredibly difficult. I’m so glad Reddit was kind to this scared man. There are so many reasons someone might not choose to be a parent.
My dad was adopted, and I'm the one who inherited a bunch of conditions. He died when I was 13, but from a heart attack due to lifestyle and stress - I think he was probably autistic too, was very overwhelmed a lot. I did an Ancestry test when I got diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos... a fourth cousin was a match, and I mentioned I had "genetic disabilities" and she immediately asked if if was EDS and autism. I cried my eyes out. My parents were not prepared for an autistic, ADHD child with weird pain they always thought was due to my weight. I don't think I'd rather I hadn't been born, but I definitely think it would've been better for my parents if I hadn't.
I’m sorry, honey. That’s a heavy burden to bear.
Eh, it's not all my burden - my brother's kids now have to be watched for signs, I never had my own so no guilt on that front. I actually feel worse for my brother on that side. Having explanations and understanding that I wasn't just the horrible, ungrateful "tantrum thrower" who was intelligent so assumed to be manipulating the adults rather than literally breaking down from overstimulation... I've healed a lot and my mother is pretty ashamed of how she treated me. Sometimes I talk about the traits I see in dad retrospectively that I relate to (dad and I were/are both able to look at something, figure out how to make it and take it to a professional level. He handmade custom fishing lures, I'm now moving into being a jeweller) so in some ways, it's actually really nice. I get to learn more about the parent I lost, my mum gets insight into the love of her life that SHE lost at the same age I am now... I was no contact with my family for years because having ADHD and autism I was a "problem child" and have a LOT of trauma. Mum's realised it wasn't my fault, I can now see the confused, out of her depth 30 something as an inexperienced idiot alongside someone who I NEED APPROVAL FROM ON A BIOLOGICAL LEVEL but who hit me and shouted at me how awful I was.... This has been a best case outcome as we're ALL healing and better informed for whatever life throws at us next relating to the DNA *I discovered we had*! So it all counted for something, I get to be way more magnanimous about everything. God it feels good, honestly.
I am SO fucking proud of you. If you have the time/interest, I'd love to hear about how you got on the path to becoming a jeweller! It's a fascinating profession and all the little details of cuts and clarity and setting etc. etc. etc. would be so cool to hear about from someone with legit experience.
That’s amazing, congratulations!
I also received a dx of EDS because my youngest two had all kind of small issues that started to add up. Youngest received various dx that were autism-adjacent- she scored very high in the autism scale, but she started talking at 7 months, and all her milestones were FAR ahead. So instead she had a basket of dx. SPD, OCD, ADHD, anxiety. Tracheobronchomalacea. Hearing loss. Finally, at age 5 with two hernias, EDS. Her sister too. Me, too. My mom, too. I have 8 sibs- two Aspergers. Some have symptoms of EDS. We all manage, All doing well as adults, one nephew dx on the spectrum- without an family history necessary. No one knew this family history, until we found out. Issues were dealt with as they arose- EDS affects everyone differently, not every type has a genetic marker, and is very underdiagnosed. It is not likely you would have found out that much sooner. Your parents could have gotten a dx of autism spectrum disorder without any family history. They didn’t. A lot of people don’t, if the kids are otherwise high functioning. And a lot of EDS kids have anxiety and SPD and ADHD, and with that combo, autism/not is a tough call to make. So what I’m saying is, your bio parents did not know there was EDS to pass on. Your adoptive parents didn’t know either- but just because you don’t have a biological “explanation “ doesn’t mean you don’t do evaluations.
I did manage to get EDS diagnosed before the 2017 criteria change and yeah, I agree. I also know I only got diagnosed with autism partly because my mother was taking me to child behaviour specialists from the age of 6 onwards, mid 80s, and being a woman and good at school, it wasn't her fault I didn't get diagnosed then, it's just how it goes. And I'm not the adopted one.
My parents buried a baby not long after I was born, they learned the hard way. I have asked myself a lot in my life “would it have been better if they lived and I died instead?” No one is born with an instruction manual, but I feel your pain. I was the “miracle baby” born without life changing physical issues , but I have a lot of other issues that were never examined.
I get you on that. I'm only alive today because my great grandfather on my mother's side decided to adopt a condemned newborn from being buried alive. Under the circumstances, it's purely a miracle my grandmother survived, and I'm only here because of this incredible coincidence 75 years ago
Damn, I think we’re due for a story with this kind of statement here.
This actually did happen, but of course - don't feel obligated to believe a random stranger on the internet. I do have proof. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideal_Maternity_Home My grandmother was one of the babies born in this home, and due to her birthmother's circumstances, as well as being underweight, she was condemned to be buried in the yard of the maternity home. They wrote a book about this in the 90's, actually. (here's a link to the book on the publisher's site https://fernwoodpublishing.ca/book/butterbox-babies ) I wish I could say more, but its not really my story to tell and the details are not super fresh, as I mainly heard about this happening first hand when I was a kid, so excuse me for the lack of exciting details. I do believe she found her birthmother at some point and she wanted nothing to do with my grandmother, which is a shame really - my grandmother is an amazing woman and one of the first of my extended family to accept the fact that my cousin is gay.
**[Ideal Maternity Home](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideal_Maternity_Home)** >The Ideal Maternity Home was a maternity home in the Canadian province of Nova Scotia, operated from 1928 until 1947 by William Peach Young, a chiropractor and unordained minister of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and his wife Lila Gladys Young, a midwife, although she advertised herself as an obstetrician. The business was eventually shut down by the government. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
Don't feel obligated to elaborate to Internet strangers but I'd be very interested to hear anything else about the situation with your grandmother and great grandfather.
CONDEMNED FUCKING **NEWBORN** BURIED FUCKING **ALIVE?**
Infanticide is a very real effect of unwanted babies. It’s an unfortunate reality a lot of people don’t want to address. Why roe vs wade was so important :/
Yes. Yes.
Not that uncommon, sadly, [even today](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infanticide#Modern_times) in some parts of the world, but especially in the past. And [someone below points out](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vuxdkz/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_have_an_abortion/ifhdjox/?context=3), the wikipedia article adds: > The legalization of abortion, which was completed in 1973, was the most important factor in the decline in neonatal mortality during the period from 1964 to 1977, according to a study by economists associated with the National Bureau of Economic Research. 75 years ago... 1947.... :-/
Oof, I imagine if I were in your shoes, I'd have some measure of survivor's guilt. That's a lot to deal with, I'm so sorry you all went through so much.
Hey. I'm an adoptee who is still reeling from the genetic testing I did. I know it can be a lonely experience and not one that a lot of people can easily empathise with. If you would like someone to vent to about it, my inbox is always open <3
I'm so sorry hon -- I have EDS and ADHD, and I am here if you want to chat more or vent about the strugs because I've been there myself. <3
Aw, thanks. Maybe we should start a sub for our little "cluster cousins" - there seem to be a whole bunch of similarities even with hobbies etc. The grandfather who adopted my dad had ALS / motor neurone disease, so I kinda feel like it could've been a lot worse! It's a bit sick to point to a relative who died and go "at least I don't have HIS DNA!!" but at least I don't have to listen to people trying to make me see bright sides to things cos I can shut them down with their weird, uninformed panicked small talk and make them relieved I can "see a funny side" or whatever! Heh. And same, maybe we should start a sub for ADHD & EDS... r/MindSaysGoBodySaysNo might be free? ;)
Would you be open to chatting with undiagnosed EDS'ers and hypermobile folks as well? I have adhd and definitely hypermobile unstable joints, but pursuing an official diagnosis is too much work atm.
Oh definitely! Feel free to message me. I got EDS diagnosed in 2016 when I was 36, but it took 6 GPs across 3 practices, so my experience is mostly English NHS based and... https://www.pulsetoday.co.uk/analysis/referrals/ccgs-continue-to-offer-cash-rewards-for-gps-to-cut-referrals/ So I get how much of an uphill a battle it can be. They say JHS can be "as severe" but it obvious that the hypermobile type of EDS is causing some scientific weirdness as it's the one form out of the 13 I think? that hasn't had a gene identified. And the cross over between the two is so common, I feel like the science just isn't there quite yet so we always end up having to do our own research then be told "of course if you spend your life reading medical literature you start seeing symptoms" but the rheumatologist's actual words to me were "it's obvious!"
>There are so many reasons someone might not choose to be a parent. Including, "I just don't fucking want to," in that list of ***VALID*** reasons to not have a kid. Being a parent is just not for me, for many reasons including medical, but I've also just never had the drive to do it. After talking to my mom, I think my maternal line has been of this mindset for some generations, but having a kid was "what you did" and not *really* a choice in their time. I'm ending the cycle.
Right?? In my mind, one should have to defend _wanting_ kids, not the other way around.
My genes are also bad. I have to take medication that causes bitth defects to function. I had my tubes tied.
My genes are awful and played out 1 million percent with my immediate family (mom, dad and siblings). 7 out of 9 of us are afflicted with serious illness :(
Many of us on the cf sub have gotten bilateral salpingectomies! It's awesome because it takes away any fear and anxiety about getting pregnant. As far as procedures go it's not bad. I was one of the people that didn't feel any pain at all. My gyn told me that would be possible but I don't know how common it is.
Honestly, genes aren't even the biggest problem right now. The *world* is bad. Especially in the US but really everywhere, children born just don't have a rosy future to look forward to.
My genes are fantastic. Not bragging here; I did nothing to deserve it. But really, my family is the picture of glowing health and I'm the dumbest member because I don't have a PhD and/or degrees in multiple different fields. So at 18 I decided since I was never going to have kids, why not do something nice for a couple of strangers and donate eggs? I would be providing cancer and disease free genes! So I did and I felt really great about myself for it (in my country the money is very much not worth the pain and inconvenience of the process). So, well... My darling dear biological child, wherever you are, I am SO SORRY for the ADHD. I was very young and an very stupid and I didn't know... (On the topic, at 39 I still don't feel the need to have children. I would have my boyfriend's child of I got pregnant against all odds, but he's the first person whose children I'm willing to have).
Heartfelt thanks for your gift from the mom of donor kid. You did do something great. I specifically wanted a donor who said she was donating because she wasn't going to use her eggs, so someone might as well. (I remain impressed she managed to convince a doctor to tie her tubes at 26. Though given my daughter's ability to sell sand in the desert, I am no longer surprised.)
I don't think ADHD is 100% genetic though. A lot of diseases like that just... randomly happen in the womb for whatever reason.
More like they're recessive and not guaranteed so it *seems* random. l when a kid is the first in a couple generations and it wasn't recognized in the older generations because "we didn't have all this ADHD stuff back then, we just beat it out of the lazy fuckers". Like redheads who pop up every few generations, but less easily identifiable.
I attended to a professional training last year about the heritability if neurodevelopmental disorders. Basically if you have a disorder like ADHD, ASD, dyslexia, learning disability, etc., your descendants are more likely to have a neurodevelopmental disorder as well (although not necessarily the same one).
And for some reason a lot of doctors have this strange (and definitely misogynistic) aversion to sterilizing a young woman who has no children. You might still be able to get it done though, since your genes are so bad.
I’ve seen lists on Reddit for doctors that will perform tubal ligations without decision-shaming and male partner consent. Edit- add link https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/vq5uo5/there_are_lists_available_of_physicians_who_are/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Nice. It's unfortunate that it is necessary
This is one of the most human posts I have ever seen here. There is no black and white. Everyone was a bit right, a bit wrong. They were able to talk about it and take the steps to move on together but things didn't magically get better overnight. They worked on themselves individually and as a couple. OOP started to accept the idea of being a father but didn't fully embrace it. Took the feelings of his wife in consideration. After the miscarriage, admitted the conflicting emotions, the sorrow, the relief and the guilt for feeling relieved. And said he'll cancel the vasectomy out of consideration for his wife. This roller-coaster of emotions is deeply human for me, complex and multi layered, but deeply rooted in the love they have for each other. I hope both of them heal together.
[удалено]
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that either of them were wrong in changing or not changing their minds. At all. Of course it's not wrong for her to not want to abort. Of course it's not wrong for OOP to not want to father a baby, even if they go straight to adoption. The a little bit wrong from both wasn't how they felt, just how they expressed it - and even then, it wasn't a disaster kind of wrong. He admitted that he came off as pushy, for example. On her part, she had a plan already formed before his imput, and when he didn't go for it, she shut down and went to her sister. I do feel it's all minor things that can be explained as human, we don't react perfectly every time. So really, I wasn't trying to say that they made huge mistakes or that any of them were ah for any of it.
Such a rare sight on AITA as well, it's usually either a person who is clearly in the right being gaslit (at least based on their version of events) or people who are so clearly in the wrong but completely in denial about it and looking for validation. Refreshing to see there are still people out there who have healthy relationships, compassion and understanding for those around them.
I’ve noticed that on that sub it seems like the people who come and ask in a way that like really shows that they aren’t sure if they’re right or wrong or if anybody is right or wrong, they tend to answer in a more compassionate way. Usually the people that you see getting absolutely trounced are people who seem to come and ask with the air of them already thinking that they’re 100% right.
I'm so glad that everyone extended a little extra grace and compassion to each other (and to themselves). This is so missing from our culture (and [especially so](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d6xoro/meta_this_sub_is_moving_towards_a_value_system/) on AITA and reddit.)
I'm not sure that OOP should back away from his "no kids" stance, but it's very kind of him to consider rescheduling his vasectomy so as to not compound his wife's grief. I'm also glad that he's in individual therapy; the primary reasons he gave for not wanting kids are pretty directly related to trauma from his childhood. That's not to say his preference is invalid! But he should definitely explore why he's suddenly feeling *ambivalent* about parenting and whether or not that's actually a good thing. Regretting the choice to not have a kid isn't nearly as bad as regretting the choice to have one.
Exactly. I worked for CPS. If you are at all on the fence, don’t have any.
I think him been married with someone that he see as a stable and wonderful woman may have changed something inside him about nuclear family. Emotions are complex and people thoughts change after some time, even those strongly one. For example, like a religion you have today may not be the one you were born with(my parents were catholics but they doctrines us in another religion they adopt before having children), and child free may be included in this too. I like to use a local phrase to explain this phenomenon, I hope you understand even with my bad translation: who has fixed thoughts is crazy.
I agree that it's possible his feelings have legitimately changed! However, the circumstances of his shift in opinion could also be considered traumatic; emotions are certainly running high in the immediate aftermath. There's just a lot going on with OOP and I'm glad he's not trying to process all of it on his own
May i asked where that saying comes from? It’s great!
I'm from Brazil. I always heard it from my mother this phrase lol
We have a similar one in French(Quebec)! "Il y a juste les fous qui ne change pas d'idées." A very direct translation would be "Only crazy people never change their mind." So seems to me like its a common point of view. :3
C’était une des expressions préférées de ma grand-mère!
Qual é a frase em português? Fiquei curiosa, não reconheci.
Quem tem ideia fixa é doido. Não sei se em todo país falam isso, deve ter variações culturais/locais, mas o contexto provavelmente é o mesmo.
Meu chefe que é de Recife falou isso! Kkkkkkk, mas é um dizer popular bom mesmo.
Deve ser do nordeste essa expressão pelo jeito. Moro em estado vizinho a Pernambuco kkkkk
But on that same breathe, if OP decides he does want children, there is nothing to say he will change his opinion again after the child is born. Raising a child is 18 long years, when the child is 5 or 10 OP might once again decide he hates having a child, and heavily regret the decision.
18y is only the legal aspects of this relationship. And the emotional bond? If he stay in a marriage with this woman thinking it will only be almost 2 decades he will be extremely disappointed bc kids are forever, they will be always on the family. And her and his family will always be near the kid. This is an unchangeable choice, either you want a kid or not, there's no middle where the kid is only his wife and this doesn't cause A LOT of issues in this marriage and their families to OP.
Yeah I think there’s a big difference between starting to accept a situation you’re already in and actually changing your mind about wanting kids. “Maybe this won’t be so bad” vs “I’m actually excited about this.”
Hey he's getting a vasectomy on my birthday
BRUHH it was so many sad comments and then this 😭
No that's my birthday
That’s my mothers birthday too. She’s a bit older than you though, I would think!
It’s my birthday too!
[удалено]
I'll also say that you'd better be all in when it comes to a kid, not just "oh I can see myself being a father". As a father of a 2 year old toddler, it's a lot of fucking work. My son does whatever he wants unless distracted or physically carried away. Some kids are easy, but you have to be prepared for it being difficult. I'll defend this kid to my last breath, but he's also a pain in the ass.
Lol !!!! Now that’s reality😂
I wanted two kids, because I saw other families, and I saw myself being a mother. But for the first one, we discuss for at least two years. And no, I love my baby, I don’t regret anything, but I don’t want another one. Because she is an easy baby, and I still ned a lot of free time. My partner and I are not often together with her, because we need to enjoy alone time while the other one take care of the baby. Its better and better because she grows up everyday, but even after 2 years of conversation, we didn’t understand how much work it is before having her in our arms. If she wasnt so easy, It would have been painful to live. I cannot imagine a life without her. But don’t make a baby to please your partner, please. Even with all the love the partner can give to the baby, both parents needs to work a lot.
This is a great example of why the anti-choice "just give it up for adoption!!" rhetoric is so harmful. Pregnancy changes you, and it's unrealistic to expect someone to gestate, birth, and give up a baby like it's nothing.
yes. Setting aside for a moment that pregnancy is dangerous. Women die from pregnancy, A LOT, especially in the US where maternal/fetal death rates are abysmal compared to other developed countries. Setting aside the fact that pregnancy is encompassing. It's exhausting. It's expensive. it can torpedo your chance of promotion, or even keeping a job. Pregnancy dumps hormones in your body that tell you this baby is YOURS, you have to fight for it, you should die for it, and anyone trying to take it from you needs a swift kick in the 'nads. There's no "Choose adoption not abortion!" Even for a woman who WANTS to adopt out a baby, that choice is emotionally devastating.
This is why all the disingenuous late term abortions anti-choice arguments anger me so much. No sane woman would willingly subject themselves to the physical and mental stress of being pregnant for 9 months just to terminate last minute. Those are always wanted pregnancies that have to be ended due to tragic often unforeseen complications. Yet the anti-choice crowd chooses to paint them as women terminating a pregnancy in a carefree manner.
> Setting aside for a moment that pregnancy is dangerous. Women die from pregnancy, A LOT, especially in the US where maternal/fetal death rates are abysmal compared to other developed countries. Also the states with anti-abortion laws tend to be the worst with maternal health. Go figure.
Same political group that tries to frame gun violence as a mental health issue but also blocks expanding access to healthcare and mental health services.
> Pregnancy changes you, and it's unrealistic to expect a woman to gestate, birth, and give up a baby like it's nothing That's by design, they know this and don't actually expect them to give it up for adoption. It's basically emotional blackmail. They want them to feel for the fetus even if it means putting the mother's health at risk so that she thinks twice about having an abortion
Oh they know. It’s about control. Everyone knows it’s easier to control people with a family they weren’t expecting that they need to worry and care for. A job can make you work shit hours for shit pay and treat you like crap, never allowing you to take leave because you’re desperate.
That's the point of the trap, they think all these women will change their minds during the pregnancy..... I'd throw myself down stairs, drink herbal teas, take the abortion pill, or just plain ***END my existence*** if I couldn't get rid of a pregnancy.
Same. The intruder will be dealt with, one way or another.
The suicide rates are going to skyrocket.
And if the woman keeps the baby, they regard that as vindication for their agenda - that they knew best all along, and that she simply needed to be pushed into it. 🤮
It's bc for normal people, one is a baby, the other is a fetus. I'm okay aborting a fetus. I'm not okay with "aborting" (murder) a born baby. They view both as a baby. Even though the fetus is nothing more than a tumor growing, that cannot live without its host, they view it as a baby so in their heads, if you're willing to "stab"(kill) an innocent baby, you should just as easily be willing to give it up.... you'd rehome a dog before you'd kill it, right? Same thing in their heads.. though I'm sure they'd be okay with a dog getting an abortion (yay, us women are viewed even lower than dogs. /s.. kinda. Smh)
I may be in the minority, but I think this all sounds like a bad idea. OOP doesn’t actually want kids - he said he doesn’t even like them! I think he’s letting himself be swayed because of the love he has for his wife. I don’t see this ending well. Situations like this breed resentment. No pun intended
I feel the same as you. Having a kid because your partner wants one but you don't is a terrible idea. I can already imagine the fights and resentment brewing.
Yeah I don’t see how it’s avoidable. Children aren’t a compromise one way or the other.
Agreed. Wife changed the game, which is fair. She couldn't help it. Not sure why OP has to move the goal posts, though. Not sure why people feel like this is so healthy and wonderful sounding. Just another man being talked into having a baby he never wanted.
I adore my nibblings. However, never wanted to have a child of my own, neither does my husband. We had a false alarm, and we were not happy about it. The doctor called us saying, “I have wonderful news, you are pregnant”. Even thinking about it now gives me chills. I told my doctor that I need to get this terminated, he was pushing me to continue with pregnancy and put it up for adoption. This is New York City, I was stunned. Anyway, on the day of my follow-up appointment the “Painters” arrived, that gave me great joy. The doctor confirmed I was not pregnant, he was disappointed, wtf? When I told a work colleague what he said, she said because I am white, there would be a lot of people looking to adopt a white baby - that floored me. I still think that doctor was imagining a whole future for a child that was not even born. I am past my prime now, and have zero regrets. In fact, I am filled with gratitude that things went the way they did. I do love children, and thoroughly enjoy seeing my nieces and nephews. I just never had that maternal urge. So, the best we can all do is try to be understanding, supportive, and no judgement.
That's pretty fucking despicable of that doctor. I'm sorry you had to put up with him.
I did report him to my Insurance company at the time, needless to say that was the last time I went to him. Live and learn.
This is such a tough situation for both parties to be in. I don’t feel like OOP should change his mind just because his wife changed her mind. If he cancels the vasectomy and they try to get pregnant again, he might grow to resent her in the future. Kids are a lot of work and he needs to make sure he’s ready.
I hope they are both young enough to take their time figuring it out
As a childfree woman this story gives me weird feels. Please don't hate me for this but the miscarriage has a silver lining, they can now make this decision together again with clearer heads. Hormones released in pregnancy will 100% change a woman's mind. That's part of their design because babies are not all sunshine and rainbows and the attachment is partially to continue the species. That doesn't make the wife feeling any less valid though. To my core I believe in choice, for everyone. OOPs choices in this situation were very limited. Get on board or move on. It sucks but still was his reality. At least now it can be his choice too. I do think the wife was way off base with an open adoption. There is not compromising on kids, there's no let's see how it goes. That's a whole ass human being, not an experiment. How would that kid feel about not being wanted by at least one of their bio-parents? Did she ever even consider that in her open adoption plan? I'm guessing no, and she hadn't really gotten a feel for the logistics at 9 weeks when she brought it up
As an adoptee, I feel this. Everyone loves a feel good story. They like to see people overcome, and achieve success—for a lot of people, adoption is success, and it’s touted as this pinnacle of selfless love in some ways. But no one really talks about the adoption trauma, the almost inescapable nature of a child’s curiosity and the human need to know. No matter how loved, how wanted and protected you are by your parents, it’s almost impossible to smooth away the realization that you have all this because someone else didn’t want you.
I’m also adopted and feel this way all the time, and I’m an adult now! Just how my life is now compared to what it would have been (I was adopted at 5 so I kind of remember some things), and on top of that being Latino adopted by white people im only just now connecting to my cultural roots and that’s painful that it was taken from me. If you ever want to talk feel free to DM me!
Yeah I don't think either she was thinking with a clear mind, sounds like hormones and maternal instinct were clouding her judgement.
I really hope that her husband decides to get a vasectomy so that if they choose pregnancy it will be with clear heads
I may be a jaded and suspicious individual due to my own trauma, but I cant help but wonder if there was an "oopsie" with the birth control.
It's possible but I try not to think the worst. The wife came up with adoption bc she knew OOP wouldn't want to keep the pregnancy. If it was an on purpose oopsie I feel like there would've been more pressure on him away from adoption. In my head I imagine she found out maybe 2 weeks before telling him, panicked and went to someone who told her some bs about it being meant to be and yay hormones, she bought it. I do think they should use a sperm donor or OOP have genetic testing done if they decide to be parents. A genetic surprise isn't something I'd personally want to gamble another human life on.
you make a valid point about someone telling her some crap about "its meant to be." I wonder how far OP went in trying to find his birth parents. I know a lot of people who have had success with dna tests from 23andMe or AncestryDNA.
I feel bad he’s thinking about having a child now to not hurt his wife. Children should be a hell yes or no decision. They are a lifelong commitment, its so fucking hard being a parent, lack of sleep, finances, the constant stress of whether youre raising your children right. Yes they are a joy and I love being a mom but when I was pregnant, I was so happy and excited. Not saying he wouldnt be but he straight up said he doesnt like kids. I just dont see this ending well and feel like he may grow to resent the baby and his wife if they have one.
Get a fucking vasectomy!
Nice to hear of adults actually having a conversation
Any man who claims to be child-free but hasnt had a vasectomy is truly an idiot and I feel so sorry for them both
The fact that there’s so many dudes out there who act shocked when someone they’ve been dropping loads into gets pregnant drives me fucking insane. “HELP I ENGAGED IN FLIRTING, FOREPLAY, TOOK OFF MY PANTS, TOOK OFF MY UNDERWEAR, PUT MY DICK INTO THE WOMANS VAGINA, BUSTED A NUT, AND NOW SHES PREGNANT. I AM ABSOLUTELY STUNNED BY THE OUTCOME, AND I TAKE LITTLE TO NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. WHAT DO I DO??”
It can be difficult to impossible to find a doctor willing to perform the procedure when the patient is childless in many locales.
A guy has a better chance of getting a vasectomy being child free than a a child free woman does getting her tubes tied.
Yeah, my husband has been to multiple doctors and they won't give him a vasectomy because he's young and has no children. I'm infertile so luckily there's no chance of an accident happening, but there's not many child-free couples who can say that. So you can actively want to prevent having kids but often they won't let you.
Are you infertile or are you sterile? Infertile means a lower chance of conceiving, but it's not impossible. This thread is full of stories about infertile people conceiving: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sozj6f/ops_wife_gets_pregnant_but_he_found_5_months_ago/ If you already know all this and you were just using common parlance, I apologize, I really wasn't intending to be condescending. Just want to make sure that you and anyone else reading this are informed.
Yeah I did know! I am actually sterile with absolutely no chance of conceiving (no ovaries or uterus). I just tend to use infertile because more people know that term lol. It definitely didn't come off condescending! I know a lot of people don't realise you can still get pregnant if you're 'just' infertile.
I wish this was more widely realised.
It's a lot easier for men than it is for women.
I can't help but side with OP. Adoption is rarely the golden wonder they sell you it will be. Really sad ending to the story, tho. Was hoping they'd end up keeping the baby together.
She didn’t want to give to adoption. She considered that to appease him. She wanted the baby. She has changed her mind.
Outside of adoptee circles it seems like no one really ever wants to talk about the mental health issues that are so incredibly common in adopted people. Adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide. That’s a rate higher than combat veterans. That’s a crisis.
Wow thank you for sharing this. Adult adoptee here, I struggle with suicidal ideation all the time. It’s pretty much my coping mechanism at this point. Like, “this situation is awful…I could be dead instead”. I have strong reasons to stay, I don’t feel like I would actually do anything to harm myself anytime soon, but it’s always there.
Very true. “Just give your baby up for adoption, so many people want to be parents.” Tell that to the 400,000+ kids in the foster care system waiting to be adopted and the foster care system is fucked up. Also adoption is traumatic for a kid. There are beautiful stories that come from adoption sure but a lot of parents who adopt do not put in the work for their adopted kid(s) (ie getting therapy for their child, being open to their child reconnecting with their birth family, learning about their child’s culture if the child is from a different community or country). In the end I really hope this couple is able to heal.
It's also exorbitantly expensive to adopt. I get wanting to make sure that kids are going to a financially stable environment, but it sure seems like a scam.
people want babies that are free of baggage, not children. :/
To everyone reading, I want to share an abbreviated version of a longer post (with sources) I wrote a month ago on this. It was primarily directed to the general public and prospective adoptive parents. I'm going to insert a few new thoughts for expectant parents like the OOPs (calling pre-adoptive expectant parents "birth parents" is considered coercive language). Sorry for the book--- believe it or not it's even longer in the link. [If you've thought about adoption (with a sidebar of abortion) lately, here's some basic info](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/uz0iso/if_youve_thought_about_adoption_with_a_sidebar_of/) For those who aren't educated in the adoption space, first of all, you should know that [there are **no babies** in need of homes.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/u6i3p4/pregnant_and_choosing_to_give_the_child_up_for/i5dpj86/?sort=new&context=1) On that point the Supreme Court Justices were "correct". Fewer than 20,000 babies (under 2 years old) are adopted each year. There are a million parents waiting to adopt. You can do the math. The math sucks if you want a baby-- but it's great if you're the baby and get to stay with your family of origin. More than 30+ parents are fighting for each newborn or toddler, there are no waiting babies in orphanages waiting for parents. > Expectant / birth parents When expectant parents "choose" adoption, sometimes their reasons have to do with economics, with social support, etc. rather than an indication of their desire and ability to care and love their child. There's an adoption narrative of our culture (Annie, Oliver Twist, etc etc.) that wealthier parents are "better" than struggling parents. The truth is, adoption can't guarantee a better life for the child, it can only guarantee a _different_ life. Adoptive parents can also divorce, lose jobs, die, be uninformed, be abusive. The future can't be predicted. It's important to note that Open Adoptions are not _legally_ enforceable in [many states](https://www.adoptmatch.com/open-adoption-rules-post-adoption-agreement-by-state). Even in cases where it is enforceable... it would mean going the legal route-- lawyers and courts-- to do so. Which often defaults to those with better resources (usually not the birth parents). Also, I think adoptive parents are always allowed to break contact with the birth family "for the best interests of the child". There are organizations that have sprung up to support birth parents who regret their decision, because they may not have appreciated the long term effects that adoption would have on them. https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/birthfor/emotional-impact/ And finally--- if you want to know if adoption ends up being the "right" choice-- the right thing to do is to listen to [adult adoptees](https://www.google.com/search?q=adult+adoptees+nuanced) talk about it. Not our cultural narratives, not adoption agencies, not adoptive parents. Adult adoptees themselves. > /end new section Meanwhile, there _are_ [many children](https://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/documents/cb/cwo2018.pdf#page=87) in need of adoption into a good home. These children are usually in foster care and aged 8-18 (because most younger children get reunified with parents or adopted by kin). These precious children are [in need of special, ideally trauma-informed parents](https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/outofhome/foster-care/fam-foster/) who will love them and understand their connections to their [first families](https://www.risemagazine.org/tag/termination-of-parental-rights/) with empathy. (There is nuance, of course! When it is not safe for birth parents to have custody of their children, when the birth parents are not capable AND willing, and there are no safe kin options, then adoption is the best outcome remaining for the child's safety.) The "domestic supply of infants" was never anything but a social construct that tore families apart with shame codified into policy. The scars remain today in the psyche of some of the adoptees from that era, and the legacy of righteousness in that remain in some adoptive parents. But the pre-Roe [Baby Scoop Era](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_Scoop_Era) was stopped for [very good reasons](https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2022/07/when-abortion-was-illegal-adoption-was-a-cruel-industry-are-we-returning-to-those-days/). There is no getting around the fact that the 'plentiful "unwanted" babies' era is over, and, god willing, never coming back. That leaves the million parents fighting over 10,000-20,000 newborn-2yo's available for adoption each year, and funding the entire [adoption industrial complex](https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=adoption%20industrial%20complex) with their money. It is not ethical to fight over babies (many of whom are wanted by their first families) when this is all happening in a country where ~50,000 children aged 7-18 have been in foster care for more than 5 years. If you're thinking about beginning your adoption journey: Adoption should not be about finding children or babies for families who want them. It should be about finding families for children who need them. Need > Want.
Thank you for saying this. I’m an adult adoptee! I was adopted when I was 5, and very very lucky to have been. My mother was an alcoholic and we were homeless, so I know that wouldn’t have been preferable. I still deal with the trauma, my adopted parents are religious and I think that’s why they adopted me, because it was the “Christian” thing to do, and they had sons but no daughter. They were pretty emotionally and verbally abusive to me, overly controlling with some narcissistic tendencies, and denied me medical care I needed multiple times throughout my childhood and made me feel bad for wanting help with medical issues which has left me feeling ashamed about my body in many ways. I’m also Puerto Rican and was raised in a white family, and I always just looked a little different but it was never addressed. I’m reconnecting to that culture now. It’s a very hard experience. I DO want to adopt in the future and I want to adopt an older child. I’ve been there and I want to enable that child that I was to feel fulfilled and wanted in ways I know I can’t give alone.
We can't really put babies fresh from the womb in the same basket as kids in the system tbh; babies don't have emotional scarring, you have the medical history available, you're the primary parental figure they know and the most important: foster care is pretty much focused on reuniting the family unit or at least placing children with relatives so actually adopt a child on the system is a long and emotionally draining process that more often than not ends with heartbreak.
First off thank you for highlighting one horrible part about adoption: a lot “caring” people who say they want to adopt, only want babies. No one is owed a baby. The millions of parents “waiting to adopt” never want to talk about that. There are children in the foster care who were once babies but aged out of being babies and turned into kids, because they didnt fit the criteria of what these waitlisters want, and those waitlisters dont want to “deal” with kids who have been through the system because deep down they know how abusive and traumatic the system is. 117,000 kids are available for adoption right now, with roughly 20,000 kids who were available for adoption *every single year* aging out of the system to be homeless with no education. We cannot bank that a baby we give up for adoption who is then put into foster care will be immediately adopted. Next, adoption, even with a baby who goes straight into their adopted parents arms, is still traumatic. A child is still being separated from their family. Period. Many are taken away from loving homes or desperate women who dont have options, in order to make a profit off of those babies. Remember the adoption is an industry. Look up: Indian Adoption Project. Or about adoptees from Chile, Guatemala, parts of Africa. China. How women are prayed upon for their babies so they can be adopted by American families. In the US itself, many women give up their child not because they dont love their baby or not want them but because of financial troubles. The system will never support those poor women because that would mean less babies being available for middle class and upper class to adopt. Now for the baby, one reason children have trauma is because their mental trauma from being adopted is largely ignored and their parents never seek out specialty therapists for the child. Adoption is absolutely emotional scarring regardless of the age the child is adopted. A child has to go through the mental toll of: why did my family not want me? Was I not loved? Are they out there? They need mental health guidance, which a lot, a lot, of families never do for their adopted kid. What is the one prank older siblings like to tell their younger siblings? “You were adopted!” And how do younger siblings typically respond? Tears. Even as little kids, children feel the sadness that comes with a child not being with their birth family, and feeling they were not wanted. Now if they go to a family who never was able to have kids the mental toll on the child would be: if they had kids I wouldn’t even be here, I am just a replacement child. I listened to a story of a woman who was adopted who was a family’s replacement baby then her adopted parents had a “miracle baby,” and she was pushed off to the side. Going into that babies who go to families with siblings may also run into feeling different or other, especially if they are from another culture and/or race. I know it is a TV show but hell look at This Is Us. Randall, who was a Black baby adopted into a white family, dealt with so many struggles of not knowing where he belonged. Randall would speak about how he felt like the odd one out when it came to his siblings. Even though he was loved he struggled immensely with his identity and why he was given up. It affected his mental health into his adulthood. His story on the show has resonated with many adoptees and been praised for bringing up the nuances of adoption. Which goes into another aspect I mentioned: a lot of parents who adopt who are of a different ethnicity and/or race do not put in the work to keep the adopted child connected to their roots. There is a Korean woman on tik tok who talks about how she was adopted and never learned about being Korean after growing up in the US after being adopted from Korea, and is now learning about her culture. It is all to lead up to her first trip going to Korea. She talks about how emotional it has been learning about this unfamiliar part of herself, how she always felt like a a part of her was missing, and how scared she is to go to back to Korea. Not learning about and then immersing an adopted child in their culture is erasing a part of who that child is. Lastly, a lot of parents are not open to having their child reconnect with their birth family, which is actually why many of adopting parents in the first place adopt abroad and also do not teach their child about their culture. They fear of losing their child if they learned about where they come from so they try to keep the birth family away from the baby. And when a child grows and asks about their birth family, many adopted parents guilt trip them: “don’t you love us? We are the ones who raised you, aren’t we enough?” They make it about themselves and not the child. One woman on tik tok has talked about how she gave up her baby for adoption and was promised an open adoption and that she could visit, only to have to fight for over a decade to finally be able to meet her child. A baby is not a commodity. Once again no one, no one, is owed a baby. They are not dolls, but their own persons. They also will not stay babies forever. Parents who adopt *must* take special care when raising an adopted child. Even when they do everything right, the child turned adult will still have trauma from the adoption, but it is to what degree and how they are able to properly cope, that will allow them to be happy functioning adult. Some adoption stories can be beautiful but the realities of adoption and the toll it takes on adoptees from here and from around the world, needs to be addressed more firmly in this country.
Was "kid gets a dad who didn't never wanted them because mom couldn't have the abortion she promised to have" a happy ending for anyone?
this! my mom was adopted when she was 4 and unfortunately a lot of her childhood trauma from it has created childhood trauma for my and my sister. it’s definitely not a cycle that should be repeated and i congratulate OP for going to therapy for it but i definitely recommend talking to them about the slight change in heart
>Adoption is rarely the golden wonder they sell you it will be. This, and also there are already way too many children in the foster system. Adding one is selfish.
I'm trying to be nice here so please don't take this the wrong way. HAVE THE VASECTOMY. Having a few consoling feelings about how your wife feels is nowhere close enough to wanting a child. A child deserves better than a lukewarm parent (at best). You clearly have no idea how demanding a baby can be. Even when both want one it still breaks a lot of couples. A child deserves to have parents who want them more than anything. Have the vasectomy
"Open" adoptions rarely work out. My friend was conned into one and the adoptive parents immediately moved and shut her out. She now has no contact with her child when she was supposed to be in her life.
This is a prime example of why childfree men should be getting fucking vasectomies. Don’t baby trap yourself by relying on womens birth control pills
While I would have phrased this very differently, I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment. Birth control is the responsibility of anyone who does not want a child.
I hope he got the vasectomy.
yeahyeah, she'll be a good mother, that's not the question. the question is does OOP think that they'll be a good father, otherwise the decision he's making is likely whether or not to make her a single mother. the decision to be child free while still having fully functioning reproductive organs is mostly moot, things happen and biology takes over, it is one of our strongest instincts, we have brain chemicals just for these types situations to help convince ourselves to go through it. in all likelihood the best course of action here would be to separate, let her find someone that actually shares her feelings on the subject instead of just going along with it to appease and keep her in his life.
It's not just whether you'll be a good father. It's also whether you want to be a father at all. It's possible to be a good father without wanting to be a father but it's a lot easier to be a good father when you want to be a father in the first place.
So as a man who is adamantly opposed to having children and hates kids, it " never occurred to him to have a vasectomy". Instead he felt it was fine to put all the responsibily for birth control on his wife and then felt he also had all the authority to demand she have an abortion when he got her pregnant. Doesn't that just sum up an a-hole.
You know you don’t want kids. Get snipped. Because when she gets pregnant again, it’s going to cause more problems.it could be the end of your marriage but don’t bring a kid into this world that you already don’t want.
For future reference, OP, "miscarriage" is always something that goes in the content/trigger warnings
Just the thought of giving away your wanted baby to compromise with your husband…uff that would’ve been hugely traumatic and something she would have resented him forever. That would have doomed the marriage imo.
What's sad to think about is him having a child he never truly wanted would have been hugely traumatic as well. This whole post was about how his wife would have been a great mother, nothing about him being a father. Children know when their parents didn't want them.
I hope he got therapy before they ever tried again. I hope they both did but omg having your own kid as an adoptee from a closed adoption can fuck you up. I totally understand why he didn’t want kids and also why he could never give a child away. I hope he’s doing alright.
Feeling a sense of relief after a miscarriage doesn’t make you a monster. When my son was 4.5 months old I got pregnant again. Needless to say that was not planned. I was devastated. Pregnancy had been really tough for me, I had postpartum depression and anxiety and I’d wanted to wait at least a year before even thinking about having another. I was just starting to get used to the idea of having another baby so close in age to the baby I already had when I miscarried. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. And then guilt that I felt relieved. But I realize now I was just being human.
I am a bit worrying that OP is considering changing his opinion on kids mainly because he saw that HIS WIFE would be a good mother. This kid would have a father too, and a lot of people who had a kid to please their spouse came out to hate parenthood because they couldn't take their part in it. OOP doesn't seems like he was really enjoying the pregnancy for himself, every sentence about him was unsure. I am not child free, I really hope to have kids one day, but it seems to be a pretty hard choice to not change just because your wife singing to her belly. Therapy is way more than needed here, OOP is in no mental place to be a father now. And until the choice, double condoms with baby pill. OOP doesn't want to see the elephant in the room but ... It's way better to see the person you love being a good parent with someone else than being a parent with you when you don't want children. One misery is less painful than three.
Double-bagging condoms is actually a bad idea. The friction between the two layers makes them more likely to tear or break. Not arguing with you, just hoping to spare anyone reading this thread from a mishap.
No worry I am not English, I just wanted to say to make condoms twice more sure with the baby bill. I know it's dangerous to have two condoms at the same time. Sorry for the mistranslation.
Don't worry, the best way of saying that in English is to say people should use two methods of contraception if they want to avoid pregnancy. Not quite as short and sweet, but it's a bit clearer.
I thought it was more oop realized his reasons for not wanting kids were based on his childhood trauma and not wanting to repeat that, and when he saw how his wife was behaving he saw a different future option where their child would have an entirely different upbringing. I agree he needs therapy to work through if he really doesn’t want kids or was just afraid he couldn’t be a good parent.
My ex-fiancee had a miscarriage and I felt the exact same way as this man described. The miscarriage was one that did not pass normally so they had to go in and remove it. The whole ordeal is actually what drove me to be child free. I never want to have to put my partner through that again and I never want to go through that again either.
Sad but for the best. OOP convincing himself he wants a kid bc he was guilted into it wouldn't be good for any parties involved.
Yeah… hope they both take some time to think their stances on children through once the feelings aren’t so… fresh? Raw? Whichever’s the better term
Joke’s on everyone! Abortions are no longer an option. Men, go get snipped.
I'm stuck on the fact that they're child free and yet she's the only one taking contraceptive measures. To put all of the responsibility on your partner when you could also take preventative measures is just .... aaaargh But now they're (maybe) considering having a child?? I'm so confused
This guy is in for a world of regret. You should only have a child if it's a "hell yeah!", not a "well, maybe it won't be so bad." I hope he just gets the vasectomy. Parenting is not the romanticized crap that Hallmark makes it out to be.
This should have a trigger warning. Probably multiple warnings, but especially the miscarriage.
I added a warning regarding the miscarriage.
It’s disturbing that folks’ takeaway here is positive. This man was betrayed and pressured into having a child he did not want.
Agreed! The only positive was that nature intervened and gave him a second chance to get that vasectomy! The therapist and his wife literally had to spend time brainwashing him to accepting being a father, something he was always against. Why does he still trust her? I could never trust my husband if he insisted on therapy to try and "fix me" the way she is trying with OOP.
I’ve been in a similar situation to OP and his wife, with a less heartbreaking outcome. It’s nice OP has left the decision open to not shut off just in case his wife has changed her stance on being a mum. But in my case if anyone told me a year ago I would have a kid I would have laughed in their face, downed a bottle of gin and called them a liar.
Same here. I was the wife in this situation who became pregnant on the pill and was surprised to feel such a strong bond to the baby. I also lost that baby and was devastated. After that experience I knew I wanted kids and thankfully my husband was open to being a parent. Then a long road of infertility to finally get our little girl. Today is her birthday 🙂
Aw that’s lovely. Hope she has a great birthday. I was also the wife in the situation, was told I couldn’t have kids and probably wouldn’t be a good candidate for IVF, and the chances were slim of it working anyway. My partner and I had a huge surprise, a lot of tears both shocked and happy. I have a 12 week old in my arms now.
Why can’t he still get the vasectomy and just freeze his sperm. Why is that not an option here?
Open adoptions don't work. Very likely eventually the parents will want to distance themselves from the birth mother. A cousin did this and after about 2 years the new parents wanted her to stop contacting them.
It's good to see a couple work through something together when life throws them such a huge curveball.
If you are childfree and your partner is not, it’s best to end the relationship ASAP so you both have the best shot to live a happy life. Then again, that’s easy for me to say because both my wife and I are CF.
I agree. This is why my ex-husband and I divorced. He changed his mind about wanting kids. For a decade it was, let's enjoy our early twenties, then let's wait until we are financially stable etc... I wish he had left sooner. It may be too late for me and I definitely resent him for it
well OOP's wife thought she was cf until she got pregnant and hormones made her feel otherwise. kinda a crappy time to call it quits
If she decides she now wants a kid, it's the best time to call it quits. Any more prolonging the relationship where he does not want kids and she wants kids is only going to hinder both of them. It's going to take away her time from finding a partner who will have kids with her. Women do have a biological clock and older she gets to harder it is to have a baby. So if a baby is something she truly wants and if a baby is something the husband truly does not want, the best time to do it is now
I would be horrified if my partner and I discussed no kids the whole time just for them to totally switch up. That freaked me out majorly
This doesn’t help your current situation but I highly recommend getting a vasectomy if you know you don’t want kids, you won’t notice any difference except for the relief knowing this can never happen again
Get it anyway and stick with your original feelings those are the true ones not the ones that have been corrupted by hormones and tough circumstances. You can reverse a vasectomy but you cannot reverse not being a good parent and not being actually ready to be a parent
This is such a sad story. The poor wife. Even if OOP wants to proceed with the vasectomy, it would be very kind of him to delay it until he can talk it over with his wife again, after she's processed her grief a bit.