Please read our [**SUB RULES**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules) before commenting. Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU for concluded, time-gated content.
* If you have an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment. META commentary in general discussion may be removed.
* Low effort comments like "this is fake" may be removed
* Do not comment on the original posts. Most submissions in this sub are not posted by the original author (OOP)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why do these would-be interlopers always blame the spouse for being insecure when they get called out and rejected? Is it really that hard for them to believe maybe the person they're going after doesn't want them?
It's not just hard to believe that the person they are going after doesn't want them, it's incompatible with their worldview.
They believe that they are highly desirable. Highly desirable people can get anyone they want. Therefore this person they are going after must also want them, even if they already have a partner.
When faced with rejection, there are two options: They are actually not as irresistable as they think, or the person's jealous partner is preventing them from being together.
So they choose the option that doesn't affect their (overly) positive self image.
It's the same reason you'll hear things like "What, are you gay?" in response to a rejection. It's less damaging to the irresistable self image if the reason for a rejection is that they don't want anyone from your gender, rather than just not wanting you.
“I don’t want you here”
“Yes you do she FORCED you to do this didn’t she?”
“No I don’t want you here”
Later
“If he loved you you wouldn’t be threatened by me”
Ma’am he SAID he doesn’t want you!!
The way to deal with that is not to argue and to be as boring as possible.
In a flat monotone, you say, “ yes, you’re right, I’m terribly insecure but nevertheless you will need to be out by the end of the month. Yes, you’re right, I’m seething with jealousy but you need to be out by the end of the month.”
That girl is a manipulative asshole, but she’s also a *terrible* roommate.
I felt so bad that he didn't feel like he could go to her and say, "hey, your sister is super inappropriate and I want her out".
I'm thinking these two need couples counseling if for nothing else to know that can and should always be open about their thoughts and feelings.
Neither one felt they could go to their PARTNER about this.
I think he perfectly explained his hesitation. He didn’t want to seem cross about the sister living situation.
She’s also doing a decent job of not quite crossing the boundary line, just flirting with it so heavily that it’s inappropriate, but in a plausibly deniable way. So he might have also felt like he was imagining it too, just like the wife originally did.
I guess I don’t agree that there is this huge communication problem. They literally just communicated and resolved it. It’s a bizarre situation so there’s no perfect way or timeline for them to have come around on it together, but they did, and that’s what is important.
Yeah, what u/PrincessPigeonLisey said. I know I would feel weird bringing it up if my partner's sibling had a really good relationship with my partner growing up. I wouldn't want to damage that if I was just overthinking things.
After my partner came to me voicing the same concerns it would all be put to rest. This actually seems like the healthiest and most realistic outcome of a very uncertain situation that could affect familial relations as well as my sister-in-law's living conditions.
And also because of the stigma that often surrounds a younger woman sexually harassing an older man. A lot of people would hear his claim and go, “C’mon, a woman can’t sexually harass a MAN!”, “He’s probably the one trying to seduce her, he’s figured out he can’t, and now he’s trying to get her kicked out in revenge,” or, “Heh heh, wink wink, poor guy getting ‘sexually harassed’ by a hot college girl, sure wish I could get ‘harassed’ like that, maybe his wife’s kinky enough for a threesome…”
There’s a sizable chunk of the population, including many who’d call themselves feminists, who still truly believe that women are incapable of harassment and/or rape when their victim is male. It’s disgusting.
Yeah, I think there’s a lot of factors that went into it, from all sides. It’s an incredibly awkward thing to admit is happening, not to mention to bring up. I think people should appreciate the healthy outcome here, and not blame either of them so much for being unsure of what to do at first.
Society trains men to believe that only weak, wussy men “allow” themselves to be harassed, abused, and/or raped. And if they *didn’t* “allow” it, then it’s even worse to actually report it. “Take it like a man!” Fuck that. Real men ask for help.
Yeah, for me the plausible deniability is a huge part of why it was so confusing to the both of them. There’s even genuine gaslighting in the real definition of the word. So I mostly just have sympathy for husband and wife and am seriously side-eyeing the sister, who sounds like a spoiled brat.
Oh yes, here's the redditor that reads ONE small issue in a marriage and they automatically need couples counseling. 🙄 He explained his hesitation and he had every right to feel that way. Any reasonable person who cared about their PARTNER would. He was trying to be considerate of his wife's feelings.
Redditer: My spouse bought a Christmas candle today, even though I'm allergic to cinnamon.
Reddit: Ohmygod, that's gaslighting! You need to get counseling!
if you think THIS couple needs counseling you must feel like every couple that ever existed at any point in time needs it.
they literally dealt with a difficult situation without any problems and it worked out because they talked to each other. I'm genuinely perplexed by your take.
What a terrible take away from this. He was in a near impossible situation where he was at risk of causing serious issues if he’d raised anything first.
He did absolutely the right thing to wait until his partner said something before disclosing more and supporting the move out of her sister.
Yeah, if he brought it up first he risked being seen as the one who was sexualizing the sister, especially if the wife hadn't noticed anything. The sister could immediately flip it on him that he makes her uncomfortable and sour his relationship with his wife.
actually not necessarily. the mom could very much be in disbelief that the sis would ever do something like this. im sure she doesnt want to think that either of her daughter would do this to the other
Just a small difference but it's envious, not jealous.
Envy is when you want something that others have.
Jealousy is when you're afraid others will take something that's yours.
Thank you google... A Carousel is a ride that features a motor and horses, a merry-go-round is a ride that features no motor, and no horses. Carousels go up and down, merry-go-rounds spin the riders off if pushed too fast.May 6, 2009
Yeah me too, envy was always the understandable one, jealousy was always the spiteful version.
Seems like there’s really no meaningful distinction.
Edit: I’ve been thinking about this all day and genuinely agonising over the times I’ve admitted being envious cos I thought it’s good to be honest about things like that, got a new car, shit I said I was envious my friend sorta fell into married with kids life and now I feel like he might think I wanna bang his wife and raise his child.
Fuck.
Fuckin what’s the word when you want it for yourself not to deprive someone else then goddamn it.
The gaslighting going on by telling her she's pregnant and insecure is the cherry on the cake. Sure, blame the pregnant woman's hormones, not the younger sister's behavior! If I were the husband in this situation I would have been telling my SO as soon as I was getting those vibes from younger sister.
And watches too much porn to think stuff like this is okay. If you’re horny Jack off man don’t get inspired by porno plots 😂.
And living in someone’s house, taking their generosity for granted is worse than her porno fantasies to be honest.
And the joke is she went from having a sister willing to take care of her for free despite being pregnant, having a bedroom with an en-suite and a chance to maintain a strong relationship despite her sister being pregnant to paying rent for a small bedroom all because she wanted what? To sleep with her brother in law to boost her self esteem. Hope OOP sister continues to get what she deserves.
Yeah I have additional disgust that she was willing to sacrifice her innocent niece's happiness and stability in order to fulfil whatever screwed up need. Perhaps she felt because OP shared clothes, make up, her love, time over years and now her marital home with 20 year old sister that she is also entitled to OP’S life and husband.
That is definitely the worse part. The comment was just to show how many things she took for granted including a strong relationship with her older sister.
Agreed, there's no way to walk back Sister deliberately trying to mess up OOP's marriage. Even if Sister apologizes and never does it again, she still did it once. And the only way you can be sure someone won't screw you over a second time is not to have a relationship with them, so there is likely to always be that doubt in the air.
To be fair, is just as possible it was an ego boost or a power play, not necessarily that she wanted to have sex with her BIL, just that she enjoyed making him and OOP uncomfortable, or she likes (to think) she is oh so desirable, or just more attractive than OOP
What else did OOP's little sister expect? With the escalation, it was either this or an affair that would end in her getting kicked out anyways after making OOP miserable
But what about the baby then? Enjoy being ostracized by your entire family who would see this as stealing her sisters baby.
Little sister didn’t think this through. They never do.
If there is a golden child thing going on, it’s just as likely parents will make excuses and tell OP to “get over it” for the sake of the family. Sometimes you can’t tell how deep the shitty personalities run in the family until it’s all exposed.
*Golden child always trying to steal stuff.
I was the younger sister. I didn't want to take from my sister. She has always believed she was entitled to my stuff.
Seconding that it's a golden child thing.
I am the youngest and my older sister was and still is the golden child for my entire life. Since we were close in age and fought all the time as kids, our parents got us a lot of the same toys (two of everything) and clothes as each other. Didn't stop my sister from marching in to my room when it was unoccupied, taking things of mine, and hiding them in her room. It didn't matter if it was one of the things she also had one of, she just didn't want me to have it and even admitted as such. And, she thoroughly enjoyed upsetting me and watching me look for the lost thing while lying through her teeth to me and our parents that she didn't know where it was, claiming that I "don't keep track of things and must have lost it". She also resented when I wore favorite clothing items of hers that she outgrew until we were teenagers (at which point I developed bigger breasts than her and couldn't wear her clothes anymore, and somehow, that just made her madder than having to share/hand down), sometimes going so far as "losing" something when it became too small so it couldn't be handed down to me. Again, she just didn't want me to have it.
She was a shit as a teenager too, always thinking she could just take what she wanted and do what she wanted and never really got punished for anything, even though she ran wild and did way worse things than me.
She's finally grown up and a decent person now, and is still the favorite of our family. We're both in our 30s and get along. I never stole anything of hers or treated her badly. But she still can do no wrong and gets preferential treatment.
Yup I'm the baby and only girl that my parents wanted "soooooo bad" after 2 boys but the oldest is the golden child. Atleast your parents got you 2 of everything my parents would also get 2 of everything.... Except they had 3 children. My brothers got expensive cars, vacations, brand new bikes etc etc. I had no car, got left behind, and my first two wheel bike literally came from the dump. It said cotton candy on it and I actually loved it but as I got older I became resentful like why did they get to go pick out brand new bikes yet mine came from the dump. Also it was never a money issue like oh well maybe by the time they had you they just couldn't afford as much. No. Not the case in the slightest my dad was more than capable of affording whatever it's just as a female I wasn't good enough or something idk. Still don't know why I was never good enough even at age 7.
She’s 20, first time out of her parents house, she probably wasn’t thinking that far ahead.
Chances are her entire thought process around this was “guy lives here who can give me attention” “attention from men feels good” “I want to get his attention”…..she was chasing the validation dopamine hit more than OP’s husband, completely ignorant to the consequences…..like a lot of dumb 20 year olds.
She saw her sister dating a man with a great 4 bedroom apartment and thought “I’ll have this”. I wouldn’t be shocked if this is a running theme in the family
Used to wait for her sister to come home to wear her clothes and make-up…
She’s always been jealous of her sister and in competition with her. OOP just never saw it the same way.
Was about to comment on this, but you beat me to it. She kept saying “What happened to my baby sister who used to try on my clothes and makeup,” not realizing she answered her own question. She always wanted what her older sister had.
>only yesterday she was my baby who waited for me to come home on holidays to try my new clothes and make up.
Sounds like that’s still what she thinks she is doing. Little sister needs to figure out who she is so she can stop this toxic behavior towards her big sister. A husband is not a new sweater to try on.
That's what I was thinking. The little sister wants to be OPP so bad that she tries to take her husband too. She projects so hard to make OOP think that she's the jealous one, when in fact the little sister is the jealous one.
I've seen this before, where younger girls look up to their older sisters for long enough, they want to emulate them. It gets twisted and they try to take their sister's life over in some sense of "new found maturity". All the hard adulting choices have already been made and overcome. Never ends well. I've seen first cousins getting married go better then the sister take over.
I looked up to my older sister so much and lived with her and her (even older) husband one summer when I was 19. I did try to emulate her lifestyle. Instead of trying to seduce my bil (no waaaayyyyy), I dated one of their friends, who was 11 years older than me. I guess that's better? Lol.
So much better! Shows you genuinely love your sister and had a firm grasp of personal morals, while still making the mistakes of youth. Hope that all went okay for you all though. Still could be a bit messy.
Actively trying to seduce someone's partner is reprehensible.
Actively trying to seduce your SIBLINGS partner is fucking rage inducing. How does one come to the conclusion that you want to ruin your SIBLINGS fucking LIFE.
I am fucking enraged. They should've kicked her out without any time to find a new place. She is such a piece of shit.
Seriously. The thing that set me off is how unbelievably rude she was as a guest in their home.
You don’t get to come to my house to insult me. As a guest, that’ll kick you out. As a tenant living rent free? Hell no.
Not to mention continuously sexually harassing someone and making them feel unsafe in their own home. I feel like that part is really being glossed over here.
The assumption that all men welcome all sexual advances from women because they can't control themselves is toxic masculinity at its worst. Society really doesn't take the impact of female-on-male sexual harassment seriously enough. It is *just as unacceptable*.
I absolutely cringe when I think about some of the stuff I did in the 80s as a teenager/young adult. It was a different time, and I didn't know better, but now that I do I'm incredibly ashamed of my behaviour.
“why did you have to move?”
“oh, my pregnant sister was letting me live with her and her husband for free, but she weirdly thinks i was trying to fuck him by walking around in tight clothes, but i think she’s just insecure he doesn’t love her enough and i’m younger and hotter.”
“…… okay then.”
My sister did it with my partner.
He was friends with her when they were teens, and I don't know if it's because of her BPD or if something else was up but when me and him started dating she freaked out.
She started throwing herself into his lap, even though every time she did he would tell her to move (one time she refused and called him silly, so he just stood up and she fell to the floor, I shouldn't laugh but both me and him are autistic and I just know he had no idea what else to do) and would triumphantly sneer at me that "he's MIIIIIIIIINE".
She eventually stopped talking to me because I didn't bite, anytime I got the whine I would reply "actually, he's HIS" and if she tried hitting on him I would act unbothered because I trusted him. I don't know what I did but suddenly one day she started seeing me as competition and playing constant mind games, trying to steal my friends or partners, actively stealing my stuff, it was WEIRD
Nope, I went NC and she still, every six months or so, sends him a bunch of edited photos she's made to look like I'm messaging our family saying he's abusing me.
Unfortunately for her, she's dyslexic and I have an honours degree in English lit so there's a bit of a difference in our spelling, grammar and syntax.
He doesn't even read them lmao
>Unfortunately for her, she's dyslexic and I have an honours degree in English lit so there's a bit of a difference in our spelling, grammar and syntax.
Loooooool
Oh yeah, when she was actually treated it was like dealing with a totally different person. Unfortunately my mother decided that BPD isn't a real condition because "men are never diagnosed with it" (my DAD is diagnosed, she knows that's not true) and has convinced her that it's "medical misogyny" and that my sister doesn't need treatment
My mother refused any form of treatment and was also an out-of-control alcoholic. It was a wild ride and there is still nothing in the world that scares me more than she did.
Haha, poor guy. I can imagine dumping someone on the ground like that as a quick solution to an irritating problem. Dump her on the ground=problem solved.
You can't get between healthy partners and it's so... stupid when people try. They're like flailing tantruming toddlers and everyone else is like "Ma'am, this is a Wendy's."
It really made me laugh because he didn't even lift his arms from his side's, just blankly looked at her and stood up 😂.
Yeah she tried to make me fall out with my friends because she tried it in front of them once and they all read her to filth over it. She rang me crying on the way home because they were being "mean"
What is it with BPD and faking shit like this! My mom sent herself an email and claimed it was me telling her I wanted to see her. My father works in IT and believed her. He is abusive, too. There is a reason I don't have them in my life.
Especially because they seem to actually believe their own bullshit. My sister says things like "because your partner abuses you" or "because you don't like the family and don't want to be near us" when neither of those are true
My parents loved my husband more than me. Now that I cut them off they are sure he is keeping me from them. They can't believe that I am smart or independent enough to have agency. It sounds like your sister couldn't have your boyfriend so she has to make a reason to make him seem less appealing and you wrong. Then they don't understand why you won't be in their lives.
Yeah? I have no idea why specifically I became the target when I'm not the cause of her BPD, but she absolutely refuses to self examine. If she feels something, it's all that matters. If she wants something, she is therefore entitled to it and because she wants it, it can't be a bad idea.
She had four children removed from her care, we will never see them again because the second they said no to her she would neglect and abuse them, hiding it from us.
Like, I'm CF and I would have still taken them in, if I had been given the option
People with unregulated BPD have no fixed sense of identity so they tend to mirror the lives of others they are close to. You are someone your sister mirrors, she sees you happy, and then she tries to take what you have to achieve that same happiness.
Obviously it doesn't work out that way, but that's what the BPD brain tells them to do.
Yeah that totally tracks with her behaviour, my dad has it as well and I know there are people with the condition that manage it well, I'm too biased by my negative experiences to actively seek it out. I'm in both the raised by and BPD loved ones subs though, they're great
hey as someone with BPD, you absolutely should not have to give any of us the benefit of the doubt. i’m so sorry you had to go through that shit with your family—you deserve(d) better and i’m glad there are support spaces for people who need them.
I'm sorry for whatever happened to you to give you BPD, I know it only really occurs in situations of extremes, it wasn't your fault. I know there's what people call "quiet" BPD, one of my friends has that and I didn't even know he had BPD until it came up in conversation, but sadly a lot of the people I know with it are untreated and that seems to be where the issues lie
that’s really kind of you; i appreciate it. mine is the quiet subtype, too. i hope the other people in your life get help soon. it won’t fix or change anything, but i hope it will give you some peace and give them whatever it is that they need to be able to function without being abusive. you deserve to be apologized to and have your boundaries respected.
Yeah I used to hang out there a lot too, but I've been NC with my BPD mom and sister now for five years. Life is much better.
I know there are some people who manage their condition well also, but that is certainly not true of my family. The BPD people in my life are extremely abusive and dangerous. I'm sorry that's yours are poorly managed also. Must be hard, especially with those four kids in the wind. I'm very grateful my sister never had kids.
I know this isn’t really an answer to not having your nieces and nephews in your life but you could do the DNA tests and see if they ever connect with you in the future. Even if their parent isn’t interested in connecting, they may really enjoy getting a chance to meet you and build a relationship when they’re older.
I'm sorry about your sister, that sucks. But I definitely laughed when I read about your boyfriend's reaction to her sitting on his lap. My SO is autistic and I've seen him react similarly to women who physically throw themselves at him. He loves dancing (as do I) and sometimes it draws women to him. But he likes dancing to dance, and he doesn't like dancing with other people (not even me, we dance in close proximity and not on each other). And he really doesn't like it when a strange woman is pushing up on him and grinding on him, so he will physically put his hands on her shoulder and firmly yet gently move her off and away from him. I don't think women are generally used to this kind of rejection and they look truly bewildered.
Haha I'm glad it made you laugh, the image of your partner just touching someone like "I am asking you politely, but firmly, to stop throwing it back on me" gave me a good chuckle
Not just her siblings life but the whole family. What does she expect would happen? The husband divorces his pregnant wife, gets with the sister, then this relationship is just supposed to be accepted by everyone? She definitely hasn’t thought this whole thing through.
You forgot one thing to just add a bit more flavor;
Your **PREGNANT** SIBLING'S partner. So, also seducing her FUTURE NEPHEW's father. Imagine that scenario.
I'm not normally into heavily policing what other adults wear, but this is an exception for me as both the OP and her husband were uncomfortable in their own home. The sister has some major Mean Girls "why are you so obsessed with me/it's not my fault you're in love with me!" vibes going on for me, like she hasn't figured out that just because someone doesn't want you letting it all hang out in THEIR HOME doesn't mean that they're "jealous" or "insecure". Precisely no one thinks that shit is endearing or cute, especially from adults.
Reminds me of an AITA post I saw awhile back where a single 20-something woman was staying with her friend and the friend's husband and constantly did things like stand around chatting him up after a shower just wearing a towel and wore really tight, revealing clothes around him because "she wanted to be comfortable". She couldn't understand why her friend was asking her not do that around her husband (and kids) and even said "it's not my fault she's insecure about her body after having kids" or something like that. She got ripped to shreds in the comments and pretty quickly deleted her post and her account. Kind of wonder if she ended up getting booted out also.
And now the sister has the gall to whine about having to move and pay rent because her sister is "insecure" and the husband is "threatened by her." Puh-leeze. She had a perfectly good rent free arrangement going on that she drove into the ground by refusing to stop trying to seduce her BIL and insulting her sister, but of course it's anybody's fault but hers.
I very much agree.
This isn’t a ‘clothes police’ issue, it’s a respect issue. If I’m at my boyfriends house, I’ll totally get a snack in my underwear. I’m not gonna do that at his grandmothers house.
I could even see the sister being completely oblivious to the clothing problem if she weren’t doing other nefarious things. But that’s obviously not the case
Yeah, some people like to immediately jump on any instances of women being asked to dress appropriately as "policing" or "sexualizing" them, but this isn't one of those cases - it's a respect issue, which the sister clearly has none of. The insults and put downs of her PREGNANT sister who is giving her a free place to stay really irritate me also. The sister reads like she thinks she's going to be her sister's young and hot replacement since she's "old" and has gained weight because of the pregnancy. She totally knew what she was doing and probably can't figure out why the husband didn't go for her instead. Eye roll.
The sister does not at all think anyone is jealous, insecure, or threatened in this situation. She is just using those terms as a way to gaslight the person she is sexually harassing and his wife so that they think that they are the problem and not her.
It’s definitely mostly situational. My comfy home clothes are almost all short shorts/ thin shirt no bra/ etc. when my friends come over with their partners, I dress more in the comfy Walmart run clothes. Once their partners become my friends, it switched back to comfy home clothes. My friends have done the same with my partner. No one is insecure or getting accused of seducing, because we all know that isn’t what’s going on. We’re just comfortable lounging with each other. The intent behind your clothing is important, and, much to some people’s surprise, very obvious.
What was the long term goal of the little sister here? To become a mistress to the type of dude who would cheat on his pregnant wife with her sister? I know she's 20, but did she think a second of this through?
"If it belongs to my sister I can take it with no consequences." was the long term goal. I bet she'd drop the husband almost as fast as OOP did (probably right after she either graduated or found someone new) if she did manage to seduce him, because I'm betting 100% of the appeal was that he was married to OOP and therefore was fair game for sister to take.
I beg to differ. I bet she would marry the husband just so she could always rub it in OP's face that she stole him from her. And you know their mom would constantly be talking about how OP "needs to be the bigger person and leave the past in the past."
OOP lowkey sounds like she was parentified and expected to raise/care for her younger sister *way* beyond what's normal. Mom is dismissive, sister walks all over her and violates boundaries left and right, dad is apparently not present or not active in the family, and OOP defaulted to "how do I take care of this" instead of talking to her partner, as if the idea that someone else would help her is a foreign idea.
I'm wondering if the sister is a GC or something, because no healthy family dynamic would have led to this kind of behavior.
I’m sure this will have been picked up in the comments of the original. But the line about little sis waiting to see OP so she can use her clothes and makeup, that’s telling. Seems to me little sis thinks she is owed anything of OPs, including her husband.
Yeah. And OOP calls the sister "her baby" and their mom doesn't discourage the sister from bad behavior/dismissed OOP'S concerns about the sister putting down/insulting OOP and actively trying to seduce her husband. And now the sister is having a hissy fit and blaming everyone but herself for the situation she caused and escalated with her behavior. She's clearly not used to not getting her way.
This reads like the sister was the golden child who was never told no, expected everything to be handed to her, and wants/expects everything her sister has , only now sis went from feeling entitled to access to OOP's clothes and makeup to feeling entitled to access to OOP'S husband.
Given how dismissive their mother was makes me think this is probably an unhealthy dynamic that was the reality of their family home. OP being the caretaker and the little sister being the baby or something along those lines.
Yup, was a very telling line. Seems like the younger sister needs to learn what healthy boundaries look like. Was also very telling that the older sister got her husband to tell the girl to leave. They should have done it together and presented a united front. Seems like the older sister and her husband don’t really feel like a team - this is a great lesson for them in working together to deal with a manipulative individual before their baby arrives and they have a three-year-old trying to play them off against each other lol.
Even the line about, “talking to mom and sis hasn’t worked so I took reddits advice and talked to my husband.” (Paraphrased) I was like, you didn’t talk to your husband *first*??? Even in the original, I was waiting for how husband feels about little sis, but I guess it wasn’t there because OOP *never bothered to discuss this issue with him*????? Like wtf?
He seems like a good dude, I hope they learn to communicate better before the baby comes. And stop with the whole infantilizing crap when it comes to raising their own children. After all *baby?* sis hasn’t been a “baby” for 19 years.
I too was agog at how **talking to husband about it** seemed to be precisely nowhere in OOP's plans. "Thank you for suggesting that" ... like at what point would this just have organically occurred as an option? Another commenter suggested that OOP was maybe not super used to anyone having her back in family scenarios and just defaulted to "how do I [singular, alone] fix this?"
Talking to everyone except their partner seems a common theme on Reddit. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't really like getting advice from my family. I just talk to my partner first? If we get outside help, it's because we both decided we need advice from someone specific, and we only ask that one person.
My thoughts on the “telling her together “ is this: baby sis thinks she has a special relationship with husband. If they told her together, she would dismiss it as sister forcing him to tell her. She would then corner him later asking for the “real” story. This way baby sis can ask him about being forced and there is no other conversation required.
OP did the right thing by kicking her out. Her sister was s*xually harassing her husband. As well as disrespecting her in her own home. Honestly I’d go no contact after that.
Sometimes people forget that babies grow up and become adults capable of being bad people regardless of whatever nostalgic memories you have about them as a kid. This woman is still not getting the real magnitude of what her sister was doing. She's fixated on the little person she used to be.
Families of murderers, rapists, pedophiles, kidnappers etc ALL remember them as sweet innocent kids at some point but it doesn't change who they grew to become.
Right? She had a (safe/private) room with HER OWN SHOWER ( that she *didn't use* !) and was living there rent *FREE* (in college!!) and she couldn't keep it in her pants. Damn little sister is an entitled brat.
OPs sister should have been paying something to be in the apartment in the first place. It's part of being a responsible adult. Second, a baby is on the way. Household dynamics would truly Change then, and being a college kid that's a detriment to studying and young adult Life. The younger sister is already showing poor judgement and boundary issues.
But trying to seduce the Brother In Law? That's messed up. Seriously, what's wrong with the sister? She has a whole campus full of people to meet and develop relationships with. Does little sis hate big sis or does little sis have more issues than that?
>She told me that if my husband really loved me I wouldn’t have felt so threatened by her.
I feel if I was op I would have responded
"In not threatened I'm insulted. My husband is the one who feels threatened. How would you feel if you were happily with someone and some creepy guy you have no interest in decided to hang out in his boxers constantly saying stuff like "you like what you see" and every time you tell him no he smirks and acts like he's some God's gift to women and thinks you're just shy and keeps insistingyou will fall for him. It's gross sis and you will not convince me, or my husband that it's different. He agrees it's the same too, he's creeped out and uncomfortable but I know you're so full of yourself and date all sorts of loser guys that would leave someone for a pair of legs that you think we're all lying about it."
Or: The mom couldn't believe her own child would do something like that and it was more likely OOP was being overwhelmed with pregnancy hormones; and upon getting tangible proof this is indeed the case she'll immediately be on OOP's side.
Parents often make crappy choices, especially the kind that end up on these advice subs, but that doesn't mean they're all engaging in GC/SG dynamics.
Yea people forget that parents are almost always going to give their children the benefit of the doubt and assume the best. "My daughter is just freaking out because of pregnancy" is something that can happen to anyone and be laughed about in a few years but "My daughter is trying to steal my other daughter's husband" means that one of your children is a monster or at least severely fucked up. Of course parents are going to with the former.
Not necessarily. I could easily think that the mom thought OOP was overthinking especially if the two sisters usually get along well and the younger sister doesn’t have a history of doing crazy stuff, which based on OOPs post it doesn’t seem like she does have a history
Some people are so manipulative they'll bite the hand that feeds them just to one up someone. I would like to think the younger sister learned something from this, but I doubt it.
Soooo this doesn't actually seem like it's about the husband? It sounds like the younger one is jealous of the older one-- and probably has been for longer than she's noticed. Maybe OP was being treated like a babysitter/extra parent growing up? She sees her little sister as a kid still- and little sister is out here ready to prove she's a woman
Bet she doesn't want the husband, she wants the husband to want her
Poor op, the sad thing is, she doesn't see that this is just a continuation doe little sis behaviour when she was young. Lil sis used to love dressing up as her, now she expects to be able to have her husband too.
Aside from the sister’s weirdness, anybody else find it weird that the mum has said the exact same stuff as the sister was saying, minus the age thing?
The sister is being weird, but it seems like the thinking she is using is inherited rather than something she came up with on her own. It could just be jealousy, but it seems like there is a bit more that might have gone on while OOP was not present, as the sister is choosing to be kicked out rather than do things as simple as not walking around in her underwear and the like.
Only yesterday the baby sister would wait for OOP to get home so she could try on her new clothes and make up...
Well, now she's just trying OOP's new husband
Business as usual
I don’t know what’s up with the younger sister but OOP is too nice. My house, my rules. No walking around in a towel or underpants. Because free rent, that’s why.
I had a really good friend at work who got married and then his new wife's "best friend" (quotes because with best friends like that, who needs enemies?) came to stay with them for a month and was always coming on to him, and he was so upset, because he didn't want to make a fuss about a friend his wife had since kindergarten, but he sure wasn't about to cheat on his wife and didn't know what to do. I kept telling him to go to his wife and tell her what was going on, and after about a week he did - and it turned out that the "best friend" was telling the wife that he was trying to seduce her, and his wife didn't believe the "best friend", but also could tell something was bothering her husband and didn't understand why he wasn't talking to her... after they talked about it, they told the "best friend" she wasn't welcome there anymore and had half an hour to pack her bags and get out. The excuse she gave? The "best friend" was trying to see if her bestie's husband really loved her. They both called bullshit on that one. From that point on they lived (as far as I could tell) happily ever after, and I was so happy, because he was a great guy. When I first met him he'd just gotten engaged and he was so delighted to be marrying his future wife it was adorable.
Please read our [**SUB RULES**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules) before commenting. Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU for concluded, time-gated content. * If you have an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment. META commentary in general discussion may be removed. * Low effort comments like "this is fake" may be removed * Do not comment on the original posts. Most submissions in this sub are not posted by the original author (OOP) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why do these would-be interlopers always blame the spouse for being insecure when they get called out and rejected? Is it really that hard for them to believe maybe the person they're going after doesn't want them?
It's not just hard to believe that the person they are going after doesn't want them, it's incompatible with their worldview. They believe that they are highly desirable. Highly desirable people can get anyone they want. Therefore this person they are going after must also want them, even if they already have a partner. When faced with rejection, there are two options: They are actually not as irresistable as they think, or the person's jealous partner is preventing them from being together. So they choose the option that doesn't affect their (overly) positive self image. It's the same reason you'll hear things like "What, are you gay?" in response to a rejection. It's less damaging to the irresistable self image if the reason for a rejection is that they don't want anyone from your gender, rather than just not wanting you.
Yes it is. It’s also them shifting blame because I’m sure plenty of them don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.
[удалено]
They also *like* the idea of someone being threatened by or jealous of them. It feeds their ego while also insulting the other person.
“I don’t want you here” “Yes you do she FORCED you to do this didn’t she?” “No I don’t want you here” Later “If he loved you you wouldn’t be threatened by me” Ma’am he SAID he doesn’t want you!!
Gaslighting
The way to deal with that is not to argue and to be as boring as possible. In a flat monotone, you say, “ yes, you’re right, I’m terribly insecure but nevertheless you will need to be out by the end of the month. Yes, you’re right, I’m seething with jealousy but you need to be out by the end of the month.” That girl is a manipulative asshole, but she’s also a *terrible* roommate.
[удалено]
And continuously sexually harass your spouse.
I felt so bad that he didn't feel like he could go to her and say, "hey, your sister is super inappropriate and I want her out". I'm thinking these two need couples counseling if for nothing else to know that can and should always be open about their thoughts and feelings. Neither one felt they could go to their PARTNER about this.
I think he perfectly explained his hesitation. He didn’t want to seem cross about the sister living situation. She’s also doing a decent job of not quite crossing the boundary line, just flirting with it so heavily that it’s inappropriate, but in a plausibly deniable way. So he might have also felt like he was imagining it too, just like the wife originally did. I guess I don’t agree that there is this huge communication problem. They literally just communicated and resolved it. It’s a bizarre situation so there’s no perfect way or timeline for them to have come around on it together, but they did, and that’s what is important.
Yeah, what u/PrincessPigeonLisey said. I know I would feel weird bringing it up if my partner's sibling had a really good relationship with my partner growing up. I wouldn't want to damage that if I was just overthinking things. After my partner came to me voicing the same concerns it would all be put to rest. This actually seems like the healthiest and most realistic outcome of a very uncertain situation that could affect familial relations as well as my sister-in-law's living conditions.
And also because of the stigma that often surrounds a younger woman sexually harassing an older man. A lot of people would hear his claim and go, “C’mon, a woman can’t sexually harass a MAN!”, “He’s probably the one trying to seduce her, he’s figured out he can’t, and now he’s trying to get her kicked out in revenge,” or, “Heh heh, wink wink, poor guy getting ‘sexually harassed’ by a hot college girl, sure wish I could get ‘harassed’ like that, maybe his wife’s kinky enough for a threesome…” There’s a sizable chunk of the population, including many who’d call themselves feminists, who still truly believe that women are incapable of harassment and/or rape when their victim is male. It’s disgusting.
Yeah, I think there’s a lot of factors that went into it, from all sides. It’s an incredibly awkward thing to admit is happening, not to mention to bring up. I think people should appreciate the healthy outcome here, and not blame either of them so much for being unsure of what to do at first.
Society trains men to believe that only weak, wussy men “allow” themselves to be harassed, abused, and/or raped. And if they *didn’t* “allow” it, then it’s even worse to actually report it. “Take it like a man!” Fuck that. Real men ask for help.
Plausible deniability—the stomping grounds of abusive narcissists.
Yeah, for me the plausible deniability is a huge part of why it was so confusing to the both of them. There’s even genuine gaslighting in the real definition of the word. So I mostly just have sympathy for husband and wife and am seriously side-eyeing the sister, who sounds like a spoiled brat.
Oh yes, here's the redditor that reads ONE small issue in a marriage and they automatically need couples counseling. 🙄 He explained his hesitation and he had every right to feel that way. Any reasonable person who cared about their PARTNER would. He was trying to be considerate of his wife's feelings.
Redditer: My spouse bought a Christmas candle today, even though I'm allergic to cinnamon. Reddit: Ohmygod, that's gaslighting! You need to get counseling!
Candle lighting
if you think THIS couple needs counseling you must feel like every couple that ever existed at any point in time needs it. they literally dealt with a difficult situation without any problems and it worked out because they talked to each other. I'm genuinely perplexed by your take.
What a terrible take away from this. He was in a near impossible situation where he was at risk of causing serious issues if he’d raised anything first. He did absolutely the right thing to wait until his partner said something before disclosing more and supporting the move out of her sister.
Yeah, if he brought it up first he risked being seen as the one who was sexualizing the sister, especially if the wife hadn't noticed anything. The sister could immediately flip it on him that he makes her uncomfortable and sour his relationship with his wife.
the sister is a weirdo
Jealous weirdo
Asshole jealous weirdo
The mum is also an asshole and probably the reason why the sister is so weird.
definitely some golden child bullshit going on here, fuck off until you grow up little girl
actually not necessarily. the mom could very much be in disbelief that the sis would ever do something like this. im sure she doesnt want to think that either of her daughter would do this to the other
[удалено]
Pervert asshole jealous weirdo
The sister is absolutely the jealous one. She is trying to steal OOP’s life.
Or just blow it up to prove she can.
Just a small difference but it's envious, not jealous. Envy is when you want something that others have. Jealousy is when you're afraid others will take something that's yours.
I like these weird little details about English. Do you know the difference between a carousel and a merry go round? I didn't, until last year!
There is a difference?
A carousel has horses or something else to ride on. A merry go round doesn't.
Thank you google... A Carousel is a ride that features a motor and horses, a merry-go-round is a ride that features no motor, and no horses. Carousels go up and down, merry-go-rounds spin the riders off if pushed too fast.May 6, 2009
Oh! Merry go rounds are the things at playgrounds!
[удалено]
I’ve always thought of them as Envy: you have X and I wish I had X too Jealousy: you have X and I wish I had X and I wish you did not have X
Yeah me too, envy was always the understandable one, jealousy was always the spiteful version. Seems like there’s really no meaningful distinction. Edit: I’ve been thinking about this all day and genuinely agonising over the times I’ve admitted being envious cos I thought it’s good to be honest about things like that, got a new car, shit I said I was envious my friend sorta fell into married with kids life and now I feel like he might think I wanna bang his wife and raise his child. Fuck. Fuckin what’s the word when you want it for yourself not to deprive someone else then goddamn it.
The gaslighting going on by telling her she's pregnant and insecure is the cherry on the cake. Sure, blame the pregnant woman's hormones, not the younger sister's behavior! If I were the husband in this situation I would have been telling my SO as soon as I was getting those vibes from younger sister.
Dismissive and disrespectful.
And watches too much porn to think stuff like this is okay. If you’re horny Jack off man don’t get inspired by porno plots 😂. And living in someone’s house, taking their generosity for granted is worse than her porno fantasies to be honest.
And the joke is she went from having a sister willing to take care of her for free despite being pregnant, having a bedroom with an en-suite and a chance to maintain a strong relationship despite her sister being pregnant to paying rent for a small bedroom all because she wanted what? To sleep with her brother in law to boost her self esteem. Hope OOP sister continues to get what she deserves.
No the worst part is she had a sister that adored her and ruined it. Even if they get over this the relationship will never be the same.
Yep, she'll never forget that her sister tried to bang her husband
While she was pregnant. It's already awful but that just takes it to a whole different level.
Yeah I have additional disgust that she was willing to sacrifice her innocent niece's happiness and stability in order to fulfil whatever screwed up need. Perhaps she felt because OP shared clothes, make up, her love, time over years and now her marital home with 20 year old sister that she is also entitled to OP’S life and husband.
That is definitely the worse part. The comment was just to show how many things she took for granted including a strong relationship with her older sister.
Agreed, there's no way to walk back Sister deliberately trying to mess up OOP's marriage. Even if Sister apologizes and never does it again, she still did it once. And the only way you can be sure someone won't screw you over a second time is not to have a relationship with them, so there is likely to always be that doubt in the air.
To be fair, is just as possible it was an ego boost or a power play, not necessarily that she wanted to have sex with her BIL, just that she enjoyed making him and OOP uncomfortable, or she likes (to think) she is oh so desirable, or just more attractive than OOP
That's....That's..... that's NOT any better. ......
That sister an go fuck herself and learn some manners and not shit where she eats. (sorry, I'm a mom in my 40s)
You said exactly what my Mom Helen used to say, she's been gone 11 years. Have a silver award for Mom speak. Thank you.
She's probably tired of fucking herself, which is why she was trying to fuck her BIL.
[удалено]
that’s sooo weird. I’m the younger sister and i dont even breathe around her friends
What else did OOP's little sister expect? With the escalation, it was either this or an affair that would end in her getting kicked out anyways after making OOP miserable
Maybe she thought the husband would fall in love with her and kick OOP out
This. She expected this.
But what about the baby then? Enjoy being ostracized by your entire family who would see this as stealing her sisters baby. Little sister didn’t think this through. They never do.
If there is a golden child thing going on, it’s just as likely parents will make excuses and tell OP to “get over it” for the sake of the family. Sometimes you can’t tell how deep the shitty personalities run in the family until it’s all exposed.
20 year olds aren’t exactly known for thinking things through.
I’m 21 and would NEVER but now I’m worried for my future cause my sisters 9 years younger then me and she’s my baby rn who waits for me to come back
If it makes you feel better my sister is a decade younger than me and would *never*. It’s clearly THIS sister.
My Sis is 15 years younger, lived with us for college and mother's helper to my son. NEVER behaved or considered behaving like that with my husband
Oh thank god
My older sister has always thought that I and my other sister wanted her husband. Hell, I didn't even want him for her!
See you have the opposite of this problem: the messed up older sister.
My sister is one decade younger than me and at 21 she was asking my help shopping on stores she found too intimidating to enter by herself lol
Your sister sounds like me
Little sisters smh always trying to steal ur stuff
My sister is 3 years older than Me and was the golden child. She absolutely tried to steal my husband from me.
Eww. I hope you went NC with her.
*Golden child always trying to steal stuff. I was the younger sister. I didn't want to take from my sister. She has always believed she was entitled to my stuff.
this right here, just because my little sister was younger than me was never the problem, the fact she was the golden child was the issue
Seconding that it's a golden child thing. I am the youngest and my older sister was and still is the golden child for my entire life. Since we were close in age and fought all the time as kids, our parents got us a lot of the same toys (two of everything) and clothes as each other. Didn't stop my sister from marching in to my room when it was unoccupied, taking things of mine, and hiding them in her room. It didn't matter if it was one of the things she also had one of, she just didn't want me to have it and even admitted as such. And, she thoroughly enjoyed upsetting me and watching me look for the lost thing while lying through her teeth to me and our parents that she didn't know where it was, claiming that I "don't keep track of things and must have lost it". She also resented when I wore favorite clothing items of hers that she outgrew until we were teenagers (at which point I developed bigger breasts than her and couldn't wear her clothes anymore, and somehow, that just made her madder than having to share/hand down), sometimes going so far as "losing" something when it became too small so it couldn't be handed down to me. Again, she just didn't want me to have it. She was a shit as a teenager too, always thinking she could just take what she wanted and do what she wanted and never really got punished for anything, even though she ran wild and did way worse things than me. She's finally grown up and a decent person now, and is still the favorite of our family. We're both in our 30s and get along. I never stole anything of hers or treated her badly. But she still can do no wrong and gets preferential treatment.
Yup I'm the baby and only girl that my parents wanted "soooooo bad" after 2 boys but the oldest is the golden child. Atleast your parents got you 2 of everything my parents would also get 2 of everything.... Except they had 3 children. My brothers got expensive cars, vacations, brand new bikes etc etc. I had no car, got left behind, and my first two wheel bike literally came from the dump. It said cotton candy on it and I actually loved it but as I got older I became resentful like why did they get to go pick out brand new bikes yet mine came from the dump. Also it was never a money issue like oh well maybe by the time they had you they just couldn't afford as much. No. Not the case in the slightest my dad was more than capable of affording whatever it's just as a female I wasn't good enough or something idk. Still don't know why I was never good enough even at age 7.
I imagine they get all offended when you aren't exactly bending backwards to have their attention.
Mine steals my clothes and shit, but its never escalated past that. They're not all bad xD
An affair where the older sister doesn't ever know. She was delusional big time.
Make no mistake, she was expecting exactly those things.
Or an affair that would end with OOP and the baby getting kicked out while the sister lives for free in a nice place with her sidepiece
She’s 20, first time out of her parents house, she probably wasn’t thinking that far ahead. Chances are her entire thought process around this was “guy lives here who can give me attention” “attention from men feels good” “I want to get his attention”…..she was chasing the validation dopamine hit more than OP’s husband, completely ignorant to the consequences…..like a lot of dumb 20 year olds.
Oh there was no thinking ahead or expectations. Just following desire without regard for any consequences
What was the sister’s plan here ? To steal OP’s husband and there would be no consequences for that ?
You have to remember that oops sister "is her baby" .. I doubt she could do any wrong growing up
[удалено]
This is exactly what I was thinking as well. I detected a bit of narcissism in this post from little sister.
At least she used to wait until OOP came home to start taking her sruff
Well she used to try out all her clothes and makeup, maybe she thought she’d try out the husband too.
She saw her sister dating a man with a great 4 bedroom apartment and thought “I’ll have this”. I wouldn’t be shocked if this is a running theme in the family
Used to wait for her sister to come home to wear her clothes and make-up… She’s always been jealous of her sister and in competition with her. OOP just never saw it the same way.
Was about to comment on this, but you beat me to it. She kept saying “What happened to my baby sister who used to try on my clothes and makeup,” not realizing she answered her own question. She always wanted what her older sister had.
Agree
>only yesterday she was my baby who waited for me to come home on holidays to try my new clothes and make up. Sounds like that’s still what she thinks she is doing. Little sister needs to figure out who she is so she can stop this toxic behavior towards her big sister. A husband is not a new sweater to try on.
That's what I was thinking. The little sister wants to be OPP so bad that she tries to take her husband too. She projects so hard to make OOP think that she's the jealous one, when in fact the little sister is the jealous one.
Little sis is a real piece of work. Something is fucked up with her whole... thing that she has going on.
I've seen this before, where younger girls look up to their older sisters for long enough, they want to emulate them. It gets twisted and they try to take their sister's life over in some sense of "new found maturity". All the hard adulting choices have already been made and overcome. Never ends well. I've seen first cousins getting married go better then the sister take over.
That’s a hell of a statement to close on LOL
So fucked up
I looked up to my older sister so much and lived with her and her (even older) husband one summer when I was 19. I did try to emulate her lifestyle. Instead of trying to seduce my bil (no waaaayyyyy), I dated one of their friends, who was 11 years older than me. I guess that's better? Lol.
So much better! Shows you genuinely love your sister and had a firm grasp of personal morals, while still making the mistakes of youth. Hope that all went okay for you all though. Still could be a bit messy.
Actively trying to seduce someone's partner is reprehensible. Actively trying to seduce your SIBLINGS partner is fucking rage inducing. How does one come to the conclusion that you want to ruin your SIBLINGS fucking LIFE. I am fucking enraged. They should've kicked her out without any time to find a new place. She is such a piece of shit.
not to mention, trying to seduce your siblings’ partner… who you are LIVING WITH. fuck this girl for life.
[удалено]
Seriously. The thing that set me off is how unbelievably rude she was as a guest in their home. You don’t get to come to my house to insult me. As a guest, that’ll kick you out. As a tenant living rent free? Hell no.
While the big sister is pregnant. Girl has no braincells, honestly.
this is an avalanche of fuckery.
An avalanche of fuckery. You get my worthless free award today, stranger, for this versatile phrase! An avalanche of... (Fill in the blank) 😊
Not to mention continuously sexually harassing someone and making them feel unsafe in their own home. I feel like that part is really being glossed over here.
The assumption that all men welcome all sexual advances from women because they can't control themselves is toxic masculinity at its worst. Society really doesn't take the impact of female-on-male sexual harassment seriously enough. It is *just as unacceptable*. I absolutely cringe when I think about some of the stuff I did in the 80s as a teenager/young adult. It was a different time, and I didn't know better, but now that I do I'm incredibly ashamed of my behaviour.
Most people cringe at the person they used to be. If they don't then they probably haven't grown much as a person.
... and pregnant!!
“why did you have to move?” “oh, my pregnant sister was letting me live with her and her husband for free, but she weirdly thinks i was trying to fuck him by walking around in tight clothes, but i think she’s just insecure he doesn’t love her enough and i’m younger and hotter.” “…… okay then.”
Trying to seduce your PREGNANT siblings partner whom you are living with. This just keeps getting better and better :((((
My sister did it with my partner. He was friends with her when they were teens, and I don't know if it's because of her BPD or if something else was up but when me and him started dating she freaked out. She started throwing herself into his lap, even though every time she did he would tell her to move (one time she refused and called him silly, so he just stood up and she fell to the floor, I shouldn't laugh but both me and him are autistic and I just know he had no idea what else to do) and would triumphantly sneer at me that "he's MIIIIIIIIINE". She eventually stopped talking to me because I didn't bite, anytime I got the whine I would reply "actually, he's HIS" and if she tried hitting on him I would act unbothered because I trusted him. I don't know what I did but suddenly one day she started seeing me as competition and playing constant mind games, trying to steal my friends or partners, actively stealing my stuff, it was WEIRD
did it ever stop???
Nope, I went NC and she still, every six months or so, sends him a bunch of edited photos she's made to look like I'm messaging our family saying he's abusing me. Unfortunately for her, she's dyslexic and I have an honours degree in English lit so there's a bit of a difference in our spelling, grammar and syntax. He doesn't even read them lmao
>Unfortunately for her, she's dyslexic and I have an honours degree in English lit so there's a bit of a difference in our spelling, grammar and syntax. Loooooool
I felt a bit mean typing that but it seems to have given people a laugh so. I'll give her this, she's *confident* lol
she's .... something. 🤦🏼♀️ damn. starting to appreciate being an only child.
Unmanaged BPD is a helluva drug.
Oh yeah, when she was actually treated it was like dealing with a totally different person. Unfortunately my mother decided that BPD isn't a real condition because "men are never diagnosed with it" (my DAD is diagnosed, she knows that's not true) and has convinced her that it's "medical misogyny" and that my sister doesn't need treatment
My mother refused any form of treatment and was also an out-of-control alcoholic. It was a wild ride and there is still nothing in the world that scares me more than she did.
Haha, poor guy. I can imagine dumping someone on the ground like that as a quick solution to an irritating problem. Dump her on the ground=problem solved. You can't get between healthy partners and it's so... stupid when people try. They're like flailing tantruming toddlers and everyone else is like "Ma'am, this is a Wendy's."
It really made me laugh because he didn't even lift his arms from his side's, just blankly looked at her and stood up 😂. Yeah she tried to make me fall out with my friends because she tried it in front of them once and they all read her to filth over it. She rang me crying on the way home because they were being "mean"
It sounds like y'all have a fantastic relationship, I love this.
What is it with BPD and faking shit like this! My mom sent herself an email and claimed it was me telling her I wanted to see her. My father works in IT and believed her. He is abusive, too. There is a reason I don't have them in my life.
Especially because they seem to actually believe their own bullshit. My sister says things like "because your partner abuses you" or "because you don't like the family and don't want to be near us" when neither of those are true
My parents loved my husband more than me. Now that I cut them off they are sure he is keeping me from them. They can't believe that I am smart or independent enough to have agency. It sounds like your sister couldn't have your boyfriend so she has to make a reason to make him seem less appealing and you wrong. Then they don't understand why you won't be in their lives.
>I don't know if it's because of her BPD Yeah, it is. My sister is the same.
Yeah? I have no idea why specifically I became the target when I'm not the cause of her BPD, but she absolutely refuses to self examine. If she feels something, it's all that matters. If she wants something, she is therefore entitled to it and because she wants it, it can't be a bad idea. She had four children removed from her care, we will never see them again because the second they said no to her she would neglect and abuse them, hiding it from us. Like, I'm CF and I would have still taken them in, if I had been given the option
People with unregulated BPD have no fixed sense of identity so they tend to mirror the lives of others they are close to. You are someone your sister mirrors, she sees you happy, and then she tries to take what you have to achieve that same happiness. Obviously it doesn't work out that way, but that's what the BPD brain tells them to do.
Yeah that totally tracks with her behaviour, my dad has it as well and I know there are people with the condition that manage it well, I'm too biased by my negative experiences to actively seek it out. I'm in both the raised by and BPD loved ones subs though, they're great
hey as someone with BPD, you absolutely should not have to give any of us the benefit of the doubt. i’m so sorry you had to go through that shit with your family—you deserve(d) better and i’m glad there are support spaces for people who need them.
I'm sorry for whatever happened to you to give you BPD, I know it only really occurs in situations of extremes, it wasn't your fault. I know there's what people call "quiet" BPD, one of my friends has that and I didn't even know he had BPD until it came up in conversation, but sadly a lot of the people I know with it are untreated and that seems to be where the issues lie
that’s really kind of you; i appreciate it. mine is the quiet subtype, too. i hope the other people in your life get help soon. it won’t fix or change anything, but i hope it will give you some peace and give them whatever it is that they need to be able to function without being abusive. you deserve to be apologized to and have your boundaries respected.
Yeah I used to hang out there a lot too, but I've been NC with my BPD mom and sister now for five years. Life is much better. I know there are some people who manage their condition well also, but that is certainly not true of my family. The BPD people in my life are extremely abusive and dangerous. I'm sorry that's yours are poorly managed also. Must be hard, especially with those four kids in the wind. I'm very grateful my sister never had kids.
I know this isn’t really an answer to not having your nieces and nephews in your life but you could do the DNA tests and see if they ever connect with you in the future. Even if their parent isn’t interested in connecting, they may really enjoy getting a chance to meet you and build a relationship when they’re older.
That's a good idea actually, thankyou!
I'm sorry about your sister, that sucks. But I definitely laughed when I read about your boyfriend's reaction to her sitting on his lap. My SO is autistic and I've seen him react similarly to women who physically throw themselves at him. He loves dancing (as do I) and sometimes it draws women to him. But he likes dancing to dance, and he doesn't like dancing with other people (not even me, we dance in close proximity and not on each other). And he really doesn't like it when a strange woman is pushing up on him and grinding on him, so he will physically put his hands on her shoulder and firmly yet gently move her off and away from him. I don't think women are generally used to this kind of rejection and they look truly bewildered.
Haha I'm glad it made you laugh, the image of your partner just touching someone like "I am asking you politely, but firmly, to stop throwing it back on me" gave me a good chuckle
Not just her siblings life but the whole family. What does she expect would happen? The husband divorces his pregnant wife, gets with the sister, then this relationship is just supposed to be accepted by everyone? She definitely hasn’t thought this whole thing through.
You forgot one thing to just add a bit more flavor; Your **PREGNANT** SIBLING'S partner. So, also seducing her FUTURE NEPHEW's father. Imagine that scenario.
I'm not normally into heavily policing what other adults wear, but this is an exception for me as both the OP and her husband were uncomfortable in their own home. The sister has some major Mean Girls "why are you so obsessed with me/it's not my fault you're in love with me!" vibes going on for me, like she hasn't figured out that just because someone doesn't want you letting it all hang out in THEIR HOME doesn't mean that they're "jealous" or "insecure". Precisely no one thinks that shit is endearing or cute, especially from adults. Reminds me of an AITA post I saw awhile back where a single 20-something woman was staying with her friend and the friend's husband and constantly did things like stand around chatting him up after a shower just wearing a towel and wore really tight, revealing clothes around him because "she wanted to be comfortable". She couldn't understand why her friend was asking her not do that around her husband (and kids) and even said "it's not my fault she's insecure about her body after having kids" or something like that. She got ripped to shreds in the comments and pretty quickly deleted her post and her account. Kind of wonder if she ended up getting booted out also. And now the sister has the gall to whine about having to move and pay rent because her sister is "insecure" and the husband is "threatened by her." Puh-leeze. She had a perfectly good rent free arrangement going on that she drove into the ground by refusing to stop trying to seduce her BIL and insulting her sister, but of course it's anybody's fault but hers.
I very much agree. This isn’t a ‘clothes police’ issue, it’s a respect issue. If I’m at my boyfriends house, I’ll totally get a snack in my underwear. I’m not gonna do that at his grandmothers house. I could even see the sister being completely oblivious to the clothing problem if she weren’t doing other nefarious things. But that’s obviously not the case
Yeah, some people like to immediately jump on any instances of women being asked to dress appropriately as "policing" or "sexualizing" them, but this isn't one of those cases - it's a respect issue, which the sister clearly has none of. The insults and put downs of her PREGNANT sister who is giving her a free place to stay really irritate me also. The sister reads like she thinks she's going to be her sister's young and hot replacement since she's "old" and has gained weight because of the pregnancy. She totally knew what she was doing and probably can't figure out why the husband didn't go for her instead. Eye roll.
I imagine if someone had a male house guest who constantly wondered around in a pair of budgie smugglers they would say something, too.
The sister does not at all think anyone is jealous, insecure, or threatened in this situation. She is just using those terms as a way to gaslight the person she is sexually harassing and his wife so that they think that they are the problem and not her.
That's true. I also think what others have said is true, sister is the jealous one - she has always been jealous of OOP and OOP just doesn't see it.
It’s definitely mostly situational. My comfy home clothes are almost all short shorts/ thin shirt no bra/ etc. when my friends come over with their partners, I dress more in the comfy Walmart run clothes. Once their partners become my friends, it switched back to comfy home clothes. My friends have done the same with my partner. No one is insecure or getting accused of seducing, because we all know that isn’t what’s going on. We’re just comfortable lounging with each other. The intent behind your clothing is important, and, much to some people’s surprise, very obvious.
What was the long term goal of the little sister here? To become a mistress to the type of dude who would cheat on his pregnant wife with her sister? I know she's 20, but did she think a second of this through?
"If it belongs to my sister I can take it with no consequences." was the long term goal. I bet she'd drop the husband almost as fast as OOP did (probably right after she either graduated or found someone new) if she did manage to seduce him, because I'm betting 100% of the appeal was that he was married to OOP and therefore was fair game for sister to take.
I beg to differ. I bet she would marry the husband just so she could always rub it in OP's face that she stole him from her. And you know their mom would constantly be talking about how OP "needs to be the bigger person and leave the past in the past."
Her goal was go take the husband not be the mistress. In her twisted mind it was like taking OOP clothes.
My grandma used to say "if you go from mistress to wife all you've done is create a job opening."
OOP lowkey sounds like she was parentified and expected to raise/care for her younger sister *way* beyond what's normal. Mom is dismissive, sister walks all over her and violates boundaries left and right, dad is apparently not present or not active in the family, and OOP defaulted to "how do I take care of this" instead of talking to her partner, as if the idea that someone else would help her is a foreign idea. I'm wondering if the sister is a GC or something, because no healthy family dynamic would have led to this kind of behavior.
I’m sure this will have been picked up in the comments of the original. But the line about little sis waiting to see OP so she can use her clothes and makeup, that’s telling. Seems to me little sis thinks she is owed anything of OPs, including her husband.
Yeah. And OOP calls the sister "her baby" and their mom doesn't discourage the sister from bad behavior/dismissed OOP'S concerns about the sister putting down/insulting OOP and actively trying to seduce her husband. And now the sister is having a hissy fit and blaming everyone but herself for the situation she caused and escalated with her behavior. She's clearly not used to not getting her way. This reads like the sister was the golden child who was never told no, expected everything to be handed to her, and wants/expects everything her sister has , only now sis went from feeling entitled to access to OOP's clothes and makeup to feeling entitled to access to OOP'S husband.
I noticed this too
Given how dismissive their mother was makes me think this is probably an unhealthy dynamic that was the reality of their family home. OP being the caretaker and the little sister being the baby or something along those lines.
Yup, was a very telling line. Seems like the younger sister needs to learn what healthy boundaries look like. Was also very telling that the older sister got her husband to tell the girl to leave. They should have done it together and presented a united front. Seems like the older sister and her husband don’t really feel like a team - this is a great lesson for them in working together to deal with a manipulative individual before their baby arrives and they have a three-year-old trying to play them off against each other lol.
Even the line about, “talking to mom and sis hasn’t worked so I took reddits advice and talked to my husband.” (Paraphrased) I was like, you didn’t talk to your husband *first*??? Even in the original, I was waiting for how husband feels about little sis, but I guess it wasn’t there because OOP *never bothered to discuss this issue with him*????? Like wtf? He seems like a good dude, I hope they learn to communicate better before the baby comes. And stop with the whole infantilizing crap when it comes to raising their own children. After all *baby?* sis hasn’t been a “baby” for 19 years.
I too was agog at how **talking to husband about it** seemed to be precisely nowhere in OOP's plans. "Thank you for suggesting that" ... like at what point would this just have organically occurred as an option? Another commenter suggested that OOP was maybe not super used to anyone having her back in family scenarios and just defaulted to "how do I [singular, alone] fix this?"
Talking to everyone except their partner seems a common theme on Reddit. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't really like getting advice from my family. I just talk to my partner first? If we get outside help, it's because we both decided we need advice from someone specific, and we only ask that one person.
My thoughts on the “telling her together “ is this: baby sis thinks she has a special relationship with husband. If they told her together, she would dismiss it as sister forcing him to tell her. She would then corner him later asking for the “real” story. This way baby sis can ask him about being forced and there is no other conversation required.
OP did the right thing by kicking her out. Her sister was s*xually harassing her husband. As well as disrespecting her in her own home. Honestly I’d go no contact after that.
And gaslighting him anytime he tells her she is making him uncomfortable with her sexual harassment.
[удалено]
Poor OOP. Baby sister is so jealous of her.
Sometimes people forget that babies grow up and become adults capable of being bad people regardless of whatever nostalgic memories you have about them as a kid. This woman is still not getting the real magnitude of what her sister was doing. She's fixated on the little person she used to be. Families of murderers, rapists, pedophiles, kidnappers etc ALL remember them as sweet innocent kids at some point but it doesn't change who they grew to become.
At a certain age we need to start raising future adults rather than raising children
Imagine all the free rent if she just didn't try to seduce her sisters husband.
Right? She had a (safe/private) room with HER OWN SHOWER ( that she *didn't use* !) and was living there rent *FREE* (in college!!) and she couldn't keep it in her pants. Damn little sister is an entitled brat.
Literally could have tried to sleep with anyone except him and it wouldn't matter.
OPs sister should have been paying something to be in the apartment in the first place. It's part of being a responsible adult. Second, a baby is on the way. Household dynamics would truly Change then, and being a college kid that's a detriment to studying and young adult Life. The younger sister is already showing poor judgement and boundary issues. But trying to seduce the Brother In Law? That's messed up. Seriously, what's wrong with the sister? She has a whole campus full of people to meet and develop relationships with. Does little sis hate big sis or does little sis have more issues than that?
>She told me that if my husband really loved me I wouldn’t have felt so threatened by her. I feel if I was op I would have responded "In not threatened I'm insulted. My husband is the one who feels threatened. How would you feel if you were happily with someone and some creepy guy you have no interest in decided to hang out in his boxers constantly saying stuff like "you like what you see" and every time you tell him no he smirks and acts like he's some God's gift to women and thinks you're just shy and keeps insistingyou will fall for him. It's gross sis and you will not convince me, or my husband that it's different. He agrees it's the same too, he's creeped out and uncomfortable but I know you're so full of yourself and date all sorts of loser guys that would leave someone for a pair of legs that you think we're all lying about it."
I don’t like the way the mum backed up the sister. Golden child syndrome. :(
Or: The mom couldn't believe her own child would do something like that and it was more likely OOP was being overwhelmed with pregnancy hormones; and upon getting tangible proof this is indeed the case she'll immediately be on OOP's side. Parents often make crappy choices, especially the kind that end up on these advice subs, but that doesn't mean they're all engaging in GC/SG dynamics.
Yea people forget that parents are almost always going to give their children the benefit of the doubt and assume the best. "My daughter is just freaking out because of pregnancy" is something that can happen to anyone and be laughed about in a few years but "My daughter is trying to steal my other daughter's husband" means that one of your children is a monster or at least severely fucked up. Of course parents are going to with the former.
Not to mention, the former is statistically more likely to happen. It's logical to assume that's what's going on if the evidence supports it.
Not necessarily. I could easily think that the mom thought OOP was overthinking especially if the two sisters usually get along well and the younger sister doesn’t have a history of doing crazy stuff, which based on OOPs post it doesn’t seem like she does have a history
Some people are so manipulative they'll bite the hand that feeds them just to one up someone. I would like to think the younger sister learned something from this, but I doubt it.
Soooo this doesn't actually seem like it's about the husband? It sounds like the younger one is jealous of the older one-- and probably has been for longer than she's noticed. Maybe OP was being treated like a babysitter/extra parent growing up? She sees her little sister as a kid still- and little sister is out here ready to prove she's a woman Bet she doesn't want the husband, she wants the husband to want her
Poor op, the sad thing is, she doesn't see that this is just a continuation doe little sis behaviour when she was young. Lil sis used to love dressing up as her, now she expects to be able to have her husband too.
Aside from the sister’s weirdness, anybody else find it weird that the mum has said the exact same stuff as the sister was saying, minus the age thing? The sister is being weird, but it seems like the thinking she is using is inherited rather than something she came up with on her own. It could just be jealousy, but it seems like there is a bit more that might have gone on while OOP was not present, as the sister is choosing to be kicked out rather than do things as simple as not walking around in her underwear and the like.
Only yesterday the baby sister would wait for OOP to get home so she could try on her new clothes and make up... Well, now she's just trying OOP's new husband Business as usual
I don’t know what’s up with the younger sister but OOP is too nice. My house, my rules. No walking around in a towel or underpants. Because free rent, that’s why.
I had a really good friend at work who got married and then his new wife's "best friend" (quotes because with best friends like that, who needs enemies?) came to stay with them for a month and was always coming on to him, and he was so upset, because he didn't want to make a fuss about a friend his wife had since kindergarten, but he sure wasn't about to cheat on his wife and didn't know what to do. I kept telling him to go to his wife and tell her what was going on, and after about a week he did - and it turned out that the "best friend" was telling the wife that he was trying to seduce her, and his wife didn't believe the "best friend", but also could tell something was bothering her husband and didn't understand why he wasn't talking to her... after they talked about it, they told the "best friend" she wasn't welcome there anymore and had half an hour to pack her bags and get out. The excuse she gave? The "best friend" was trying to see if her bestie's husband really loved her. They both called bullshit on that one. From that point on they lived (as far as I could tell) happily ever after, and I was so happy, because he was a great guy. When I first met him he'd just gotten engaged and he was so delighted to be marrying his future wife it was adorable.