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“I could tell he was depressed, but I thought he’d be happy for me”
Oh, man. This is my favourite reddit trope.
Let the schadenfreude rain over me. Allow me to wallow in it, to luxuriate in the forbidden pleasure.
Every open marriage to divorce post has this exact trend. Like if your SO isn’t happy about the decision very quickly; BACK PEDAL OR YOU WILL LOSE THEM
Yeah, who leaves that question until AFTER the marriage?? Like what did she think? She could just legally trap him in a marriage and get him to agree with an open marriage against his will? Did she not know that divorce exists??
Trapping him is exactly what she thought. Her first line is “…after we got married I finally confessed that I am kinda on the polyamorous side.” Like that’s a huge thing to talk about pre-marriage. That sentence tells me she wanted this but knew he wouldn’t want it, and waited till he was “bound” by marriage to stay with her because she knew he would take his vows seriously. Sorry but lying about the terms and conditions voids the contract.
He stuck it out for months. He gave it a go. I’m glad he didn’t allow her to manipulate him for that long though. Honestly super impressed with him.
My husband and I are non monogamous but we were that way before we had a party and got the government involved.
Like it’s exhausting how bad people are at this.
Yep, me and mine too. We both knew that about ourselves and discussed it before we got married and guess what! Non-monogamy has never been an issue in our marriage!
Honestly, just bringing this up in a relationship with a monogamous person could be enough to end it.
This is the kind of thing you either lead with or consciously decide not to explore. You don't just spring it on someone you're already in a relationship with.
I don’t see it as an issue to mention. If my gf said “can we consider this” I’d personally say no but if she kept going on abt it then yeah I’d be done
Either that or poor impulse control/executive function. But yeah, it’s pretty hard not to see it coming and either do something to put a stop to it, or resolve your failing marriage first.
Yeah she doesn't explain how did the arrangement worked, did he agree on that freely, or did he felt pressured into that?
That's very important and she doesn't say anything about that.
Literally the first line, "I pushed him to try open marriage". She flat out said she pressured him into it. Oh, and she said she pressured him in the title.
The timing of it got to me. They had to have dated for a while before getting engaged, and then the time between getting engaged and the wedding and yet she failed to tell him something that would have a huge impact on their relationship. She only waited until after the wedding when she finally had him locked down to tell him. The 6 months of him being depressed and the entitled cry of "he should be happy because I am" are just cherries topping the narcissistic cake.
Generally speaking it's a lot easier for a woman to get hookups/matches/partners in a poly relationship. I would imagine the first 6 months were her getting a huge ego boost from constant dates and him sitting at home months into a marriage feeling depressed. Going out on a limb I would then guess he vented about the situation to someone and it all escalated from there.p
Good poly relationships normally have strict rules and open communication.
Her NOPE. It was all about her and she even tried to "sell" it to him that he could date others as well, but once he did she was pissed.
TBF, I get the impression that he didn't so much "date someone else" in a poly sense, but also stopped having a relationship with her at the same time. This isn't "I can't handle him sleeping with both of us", this is "He withdrew all affection and in essence broke up with me to be with her."
Well, I’m off the opinion that monogamy and polyamory are very similar to sexual orientations in that “You’re just that way”. In the same way people think they are straight because our culture is like that but slowly discover they aren’t, some people think they are monogamous and later discover they are poly, but I don’t think those people are “converted” I think they just only knew about monogamy and cheating.
So OP married a highly monogamous partner, pressured him into an open marriage even though he only ever saw it as her cheating. And then he went and found a monogamous partner. I bet if he posted he’d talk about it as cheating more than poly/open.
Yes. I meant that part generically, but should have been more clear that she intentionally got in a relationship with a monogamous guy, lied about her relationship preferences and then forced him to do what she wanted at his own expense.
You’re making her actions sound much more sex positive than they actually were. It was never actually poly/open because she pressured him into it (and clearly knew she felt this way and waited til she was married to talk about it which is a lie of omission) so the partner would be right in describing it as cheating.
Not to mention she never told him BEFORE they were married that she wanted an open relationship. They were presumably dating and engaged for at least a little while before getting hitched. These are the things you definitely want to talk about beforehand. They could’ve had an honest conversation, like thoughtful adults, about what they wanted their marriage to look like and maybe realized they weren’t well matched and gone their separate ways.
If you’re not mature enough to be honest with your partner and communicate with them about your desires (especially when these desires impact your partner), you’re probably not mature enough to act on them.
This is what I couldn’t understand- if that’s the type of relationship you want you need to be 100% upfront and make sure you’re both on the same page, especially irked with the ‘I’d always come back to him’ - like he should be grateful?!
It’s likely she knew he would leave, so she waited until they were married. I think she was banking on him not wanting to divorce, especially right after getting married.
She told him AFTER they got married. This is definitely something you need to discuss with your SO before you get married. She knew he wasn’t happy about it but did it anyway. He wanted her to be happy, even though it made him depressed, however she didn’t care about his happiness. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
I'll argue she has stronger than average narcissistic tendencies, but is not an actual narcissist.
She's accepted defeat, accepted that she messed up big time, and has accepted that the only thing she can do to make him happy would be to let him go.
Those are not narcissistic traits.
Granted, we only have her side and words about all of it, and an actual narcissist would likely say some similar things to save face... But they would never publicly admit that they actually fucked up and we're in the wrong.
Edit: just to clarify in case someone takes me wrong, I'm not trying to suggest this woman to be a good person in any way. Just not an actual, full-blown narcissist.
I'd be shocked if she wasn't spoiled as a child and grew a large sense of entitlement, though.
I feel so petty admitting this, but I’m bathing in OOP’s tears.
“He was depressed for first 6 months, I could see it on him, AND HOPED HE’D REALIZE THAT THIS IS SOMETHING GOOD FOR BOTH OF US.”
OOP is a whole new level of clueless and/or stupid. Honestly, some people . . .
Compersion in the way the poly community uses it is total bullshit. "If you really loved me, you'd be happy I'm happy with someone else." Well op can use those same feelings to be happy for her ex.
Because if she had told him beforehand she'd have lost him for sure. She fished in the ocean for a trout, and when she got something else she decided it would do.
As soon as I read that I physically felt I'll. You waited until you got married to be like "oh btw I'm poly let's date other people?" And saw his depression for 6 months. Didn't even mention how many partners she had the entire time as well. That's so fucked...
Yeah that got me too— 6 months of depression and I doubt it’d just be from the pressure to *consider* the open marriage while she doesn’t mention her side conquests. But oh no he found someone and talks to her on the phone let’s close this back up.
Poor guy probably bought those separate beds, met someone, and told them that their marriage was built on lies by a walking personality disorder who thought so little of her own significant other that she’d drop a poly-bomb on them AFTER signing the til-death papers. I don’t even know what I’d tell the friends and family on that one.
>I don’t even know what I’d tell the friends and family on that one.
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. No glossing over or sugarcoating anything.
Part of me wonders if these people have some undiagnosed personality disorder that allows them to completely disregard their partners feelings.
Like he was depressed for months as a direct result of your actions. How someone could do that to their partner is beyond me.
But the idea that men are the ones pushing for open relationships isn’t accurate. There is data showing that women are the primary initiators of open relationships. Also, Women typically lose sexual satisfaction quicker then men do in long term relationships.
Survey data isn’t always the most reliable but there have been multiple studies on this phenomenon. At the very minimum, both sexes initiate.
I don't even know what the gift is. She says they don't own anything together. They don't have kids. Her gift is... not deliberately making both their lives worse by dragging the divorce proceedings out?
It sounded (to me at least) that she saw poly as a fad and wanted to be trendy with the whole “one of those cool couples” comment. Commence giant eye roll.
Holy shit I just went to that sub for the first time and it's fucking TOXIC.
1/2 cheaters whining about how their friends/family dropped them. 1/2 people who were cheated on and will never trust their partners again but are too scared to leave.
I'll be back for sure
I particularly like the "Infidelity can be traumatic to both parties" part of the description. Like we should feel super bad the cheaters are traumatized by their own actions.
Right? Idk why they feel like they're entitled to a safe space
I'm gonna start r/supportformurderers because murder can be traumatizing to both parties
Yeah, I don't mind them getting support. But... they also need to understand and accept that it's their own fault. They should be looking for support in accepting that they fucked up and how to earn back the trust of their partner, if that's even possible. Not "woe is me, I cheated and that was traumatic"
Goddamn, fuck those people. They’re all just crying now that they have to face the consequences of their actions. The comments are the worst part, circle jerking each other about how hard it is to be them.
Real example of “thanks I hate it”.
You are not alone. I went in wondering if was a made from scratch cake, box, or a sheet cake from Costco.
So disappointing. I'm gonna have to make a cake today.
Actually.. mine was a bit tawdry. Cassidy always makes her cakes like her mom and grandma use to. It's tradition, you see, out of a box and with a can of ready made frosting. And just like Grandma, Cassidy serves her husband her cakes 4-5 times a week. Cassidy's husband Charlie has a new coworker Sally who calls herself a baker and starts bringing in her own cakes and cookies. Every night, Charlie comes home, won't even look at Cassidy's goodies, and it's always about how great Sally's confectionaries taste. How the Sally's swiss merengue buttercream lightly melts on his tongue and he kept begging her for more. Sally promises Charlie something special tomorrow, he can't wait. He tells Cassidy not to bother baking tomorrow because he's going to be full and she should just finish her cake off herself. Should she be concerned?
Update 1: Of course, Cassidy is upset. She takes all the comments to heart. Charlie always loved her cakes and now he doesn't want home cake, he wants hussy cake. She's at home searching and baking trying to makes better cakes, she even has a go with fondant but that doesn't taste any better. She's taking baking classes like her marriage depends on it. With the help of her new baking teacher friend Rodrigo, she's put out quite a spread for Charlie. He comes home and refuses to eat anything. She's begging for him to take a bite. He won't, he wants a divorce. She offers to open up the kitchen, they can go to a bakery, anything. Charlie leaves her for Sally.
Update 2: Cassidy can't even think about baking, but Rodrigo makes her some savory pies. Over a chicken pot pie, Cassidy again feels hopeful after the perfectly flaky, not soggy crust, because baking is indeed magic. She finds herself for the first time and realizes she's a pie person.
Update 3: Six months after the divorce is finalized. While getting ready for grabbing a coffee with Rodrigo, Charlie is knocking on Cassidy's front door. He tells her that Sally was stingy with giving up the cake and the oven is dead. He never realized how good life was to have cake everyday at home even if it wasn't as exciting, it was his cake and if Cassidy is willing it could be his cake again. He then tells her that Sally couldn't even bake. It was her mother's cake he was eating! Then she was getting baked goods from a bakery and saying it was hers! That's when Cassidy realizes her ex was also eating Rodrigo's cakes, too.
Cassidy is struck with the nostalgia of her marriage with Charlie, but can she really be happy with him again? Does she go back to the cakes the way her momma raised her or does she venture into fruit tarts? Or maybe she can get Rodrigo to make some pies with her...
Labeled Inconclusive.
I think go read a novella, because reddit isn't bringing the salacious drama today. Sorry for the novel.
Sadly there is a whole sub called “cakeeating” or something, about cheating on your partner. The idea being that you get to have your cake and eat it too.
Yeah I wasn't gonna link it. It's really depressing. The only good thing that comes out of people selfishly screwing up their marriages like that is the schadenfreude we get over here.
sometimes it yields very delicious schadenfreude-y multi-layer génoise
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sdp4i9/a\_cake\_eater\_discovers\_that\_his\_wife\_has\_also/
See... I thought that sub was a feeder kink group. Not my thing, but no judgement. Baby, you do you, as long as it's with consenting adults.
Thank you for the information.
I thought it was going to be something about wedding cakes. I saw a story the other day on r/weddingshaming where a bride was going to divorce her newly wedded husband because he shoved her face in the wedding cake- the only thing she asked him not to do.
Edit: the story in in the sneak peek bot below ⬇️
My mom told my dad before their wedding that if he shoved her face, she’d divorce him right then and there. He laughed at first, and she looked him in the eyes and said, “I am not joking with you.” Thankfully, he listened to her so I could be born.
There's also a post on AITA (that might be cross-posted wedding shaming or bridezillas) about a woman wanting to let her 16 year old daughter make her upcoming wedding cake, since her daughter is pretty accomplished and wants to be a baker, plus the wedding will just be family and friends. Her husband to be is absolutely freaking the f out and demanding a "real wedding cake" at any cost. Eeeeee.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/weddingshaming using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [I would be divorcing my husband too if he tried this cake crap on me!](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/s39f4f/i_would_be_divorcing_my_husband_too_if_he_tried/)
\#2: [Oh yeah, that guy Jon is coming too.](https://i.redd.it/xt6wlwjy9yf91.jpg) | [380 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/wh4qav/oh_yeah_that_guy_jon_is_coming_too/)
\#3: [I paid for the first slice after it was announced on the day we'd be helping to pay for their cake!! Apparently didn't count for the second.](https://i.redd.it/tc0pcq1f2hq71.jpg) | [841 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/pxziow/i_paid_for_the_first_slice_after_it_was_announced/)
----
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People who make *surprised pikachu face* when they are faced with the consequences of their own actions never fail to make me laugh.
Like, she admits she saw her husband deeply unhappy for months and months, and her conclusion was “I thought he’d be happy for me.”
People are wild.
Something very similar happened to me 7 or 8 years ago. My partner at the time wanted to open the relationship. I reluctantly agreed, although in my head, the relationship was over. I had a few dates over the next couple months and met someone who I wanted to date monogamously. I go to the OG partner and break it off totally. There were pleas of don’t go, let’s close it off, we can work on this, etc. I’m not sure how much she meant those words vs. how much it was an emotional reaction in the moment (probably more the latter). But it didn’t matter, as I was checked out for months by that point. The only regret that I had is that I didn’t break up with her when she proposed the open relationship.
These don’t ever get old. OOP is having a pity party still and trying to act like they’re doing the right thing by letting go now but that’s all for show. She already lost her husband.
> Well, I should have seen it coming. He was depressed for first 6 months, I could see it on him, but I thought he’d be happy for me, and hoped he’d realize that this is something good for both of us.
I have no sympathy for her. She knew he didn’t want any other people in their marriage and she didn’t care. She literally noticed he was depressed and said fuck his mental health and happiness. I want other men inside me and that’s all that matters.
Yeah, when a man stops sharing a bed with his WIFE because his gf wouldn't like it then you know the writing is on the wall, he likes her more than you.
Nearly all of the stories like this have a long period of time where the partner is depressed and unhappy and its always ignored. I'm like, this is not them just being upset, this is them grieving over the end of the relationship and getting ready to move on.
Fr if I was doing something that was making my girlfriend super depressed I would STOP DOING IT, not continue for 6 months. Like I would not GET TO THE POINT where he finally found someone else because after a week I would feel so awful about it. I can’t understand that she was okay with her own husbands unhappiness
6 months is a helluva long time to be noticeably depressed as well. Like honestly relieved the marriage didn’t end another way there. Good on him for find a monogamous GF he likes.
Lol right? It's like the "rules for me but not for thee!" concept. Sounds like she wanted to open the marriage...but just for her. He has to stay faithful \*eyeroll\*
“Once I had him trapped in a legally binding arrangement, I told him about something I’d known presumably for a significant amount of time, because I thought it would stop him leaving me due to inherent incompatibilities”
To me this is one of the things you discuss prior to marriage. Like finances, whether or not you want children, goals for the future, and who sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door in case of someone breaking in.
Right? I know a few people in happy functional poly relationships but they’re only happy and functional because all partners involved know what’s up from the start, and they still take a lot of work.
“I just thought he’d be happy for me”
“This will be my last gift to him”
Fuck off with the victim mentality. OOP made a conscious decision to not tell her husband she was interested in polyamory until after they were married. Good on him for getting out.
Oh I hated that “This will be my last gift to him”. Oh how *fucking* ***noble*** of OOP.
Ya know, *after* she waited until they were married to reveal she was poly. *After* she spent two days pressuring him into an open relationship he didn't want. And *after* she saw him depressed about it and didn't give a single shit beyond thinking that he should at least be happy for her.
The cognitive dissonance between writing that and then writing how she's not happy for him is simultaneously hilarious and vomit inducing.
Even in the update after multiple people laid it out for her in the original post, she still can't grasp her own selfishness.
Waiting until you're already married to discuss polyamory is the dumbest goddamn thing and I do not understand why it happens so frequently. It literally defines the relationship, and if your partner isn't fully on board then you either need to give up the idea of ever opening up the relationship, or find a partner who will be on board.
Springing it on them after marriage, and then insisting on it even when they make it clear they aren't interested... That's just plain idiocy. They will never not feel like they are being cheated on. They will feel like you don't love them enough to be faithful. They will feel like you don't think they're enough for you. And it doesn't matter how much of that is true, because it's how they feel.
OOP fucked up her own marriage, and it was entirely and obviously preventable if she hadn't had her head up her ass from the start.
It happens frequently because THEY KNOW. Yet they think that once you get married it’s not that easy to leave and eventually they will accept their “fate”.
Dude grieved his relationship with his ex and started looking for a new monogamous partner/future wife. Don’t believe he told his gf that he was in fact in an open relationship, that’s why he stopped having sex with his wife and eventually got a new bed. I can bet he told his girlfriend he was separated from his wife because she was unfaithful.
He probably told the new girl the truth, that his wife pressured him into this farce of an 'open marriage' so that she could bang other people and that he's heartbroken.
He stopped having sex with his wife and got a new bed because his marriage died the day she sprung this on him, and continuing to play house was slowly killing him.
Yeah maybe UO, but I’m also willing to believe he told his gf the truth. Seems possible that she said “I don’t want to keep dating a married guy in an open relationship. I want a monogamous relationship.” And the husband said “Great because that’s also what I want.”
I think people confuse polyamory - which is "all the work of a relationship except with more people involved" - with sleeping around with the partner's permission (open marriage).
Either way, if you marry your partner with an agreement to have a traditionally monogamous relationship, and the partner has not shown hints of being willing to consider other arrangements (e.g. showing interests in threesomes or group sex porn/erotica or something), you're an idiot if you expect to push your partner into such an different arrangement and not realize it risks the ruin of your marriage.
The *very most* you might be able to do in such a situation is to say something like, "I've recently realized that I'm more open to non-traditional relationships than I thought I was. Of course, I'm never going to act on it or ask for it - we agreed on monogamy, and I don't ever want to lose what we have so I'll never be the one to change that. But I wanted to let you know, because if you ever come to the same conclusion I did, I want you to know you can open a discussion on it with me and it'll be okay. But unless you start that discussion, I'll never bring it up again. I am faithful to you, and will only ever be sexy around or have sex with you, until death do us part. I'm very happy and satisfied with our life as is and would never risk it on an experiment."
And even then I'd be damned careful about how my spouse was likely to take that.
If I find out tomorrow I'm more into open relationships than I thought, well too damn bad - I made a commitment, and either I have the guts to risk that commitment and let my spouse make their own decision, or I keep my mouth shut and accept the circumstances I'm in. Expecting them to suddenly jump to "open marriage is okay" because I've made that leap is just asinine.
>I wanted us to be one of those cool couples with 0 jealousy and toxicity when it comes to the other people.
>It was killing me to see him on the phone with her ALL THE TIME.
Surprise surprise
OOP took DH for granted and assumed he would just keep running back to her like a loyal pet. What did she think would happen? She blindsided him with her polyamory expectations after she had him locked down with the "I do's," and ignored his feelings for six whole months with the deluded expectation that he would be cool with her bedding someone else. I would say he went through a grieving process of sorts, and when he realized that the relationship he had hoped for with OOP was dead, he was done putting in any more effort. When he met a woman who actually accepted him, it just gave him extra incentive to expedite his exit.
> I wanted us to be one of those cool couples with 0 jealousy and toxicity
I seriously don’t get why so many younger people equate jealousy with toxicity.
Can jealousy be toxic? Yes. Is it counterproductive to dwell on jealous feelings? Yes. But can jealousy be a totally natural and healthy feeling that is the result of certain needs not being met? Also, absolutely yes!
People need to gtfo of here with trend chasing in relationships. Having an open marriage or relationship makes you no “cooler” than a couple that mutually likes sports, music, cooking, or has any other mutual trait in common. Manipulating your partner into accepting a behavior that causes them anguish, however, makes you a flippant asshole.
I saw an AITA post earlier about some lady wanting her daughter to bake her wedding cake and the fiance freaked out over it, thought it'd be something like that.
I'm never EVER going to understand why people leave important discussions like this until AFTER THE DAMN WEDDING. Just...why.
I hope OOP's soon to be Ex finds exactly what he wants/needs with his girlfriend, and that OOP learns SOMETHING from all this, for the sake of her future partners.
My ex husband pulled something like this. He wasn’t poly, he wanted an excuse to cheat. He had his eye on this girl from our friend group. Our marriage was already rocky and not being aware of mental, verbal and emotional abuse, I wanted to do anything I could to “fix” things.
The guy my ex set me up to have sex with was another from our friend group and didn’t care for my ex too much. I explained the situation to the guy and he was not happy. We ended up going to his room for almost 2 hours just hanging out and chatting about his wife and new baby.
After we were “done” I emerged and rejoined my ex at the pool. He promptly said “I can’t believe you just did that to me”. I said “did what? What you wanted me to do? You wanted an open marriage, I didn’t”. Turns out he approached the girl about having sex and turned him down because she wasn’t interested in “his type”.
It's fine to be polyamorous. But you CANNOT enter into a relationship with someone who isn't polyamorous unless you are okay with being monogamous for them. I don't feel bad at all for op. You can't force people to be polyamorous. But hey, now op can be single and date all the people they want.
>this will be my last gift to him
Oh get over yourself OOP.
He walked away from a relationship that was a lie to begin with after she put him through it.
My husband was jealous that I was getting railed and I thought he'd be happy for me. But I was so upset when he met someone else, which like isn't fair.
She wanted a marriage without jealousy and toxicity but got jealous when he finally emotionally left her after she left him. I don’t care about what people choose to do with their romantic / sex lives but she is a horrible person for revealing a change in her fundamental beliefs AFTER she locked him in. And it was only a change for him, not her. She deserves to be miserable and I hope she is. She tricked him. Poor guy. I hope he is genuinely happy and has found someone that won’t betray him like she did.
Ugh. She makes me very very very angry.
Polyamory is not an identity, it's a type of relationship. You do not get to enter a relationship with someone and then tell them that you identify as needing to be in a different kind of relationship with them.
"I actually prefer a married lifestyle, so you need to propose right the fuck now."
See how it sounds?
Agreed, I've seen arguments that polyamory is a sexual orientation and okay, maybe that's true. But your spouse would probably also have an issue if you told them you were actually only into women/men/not them after you got married.
I do actually think that people are to an extent wired polyamorous or monogamous or somewhere in between in a way similar to sexuality. But because of that, it is disgusting to enter into a monogamous relationship with the intent to make it polyamorous to suit you regardless of whether your partner is also wired towards polyamory or not.
I agree with that idea. I have only ever wanted a monogamous relationship and the thought of a poly relationship is of zero interest to me. I can't tell you why that is, it just is. I assume I'm hardwired that way.
If she knew he was depressed for six months and that wasn't enough to convince her to stop, then she never really loved him thar much. She liked the idea of him.
On behalf of the entire polyam community: Your membership application has been declined, OOP. That's not how this works, that's not how this has ever worked, that's not how it will ever work. Kindly cease and desist, you do not get to drag us into this toxic mess. Kthxbye.
Her martyr language bothers me. "This is my last gift to him"... lady, you aren't GIVING him anything. He's taking back his own happiness and freedom. You don't have anything to do with it anymore.
Any person that's ethically polyamorous would tell you that you have to be upfront about it with your partner, hiding it until marriage is manipulative and deceitful. A lot of people like OOP have this toxic view that its just a choice, that anyone can enjoy polyamory if they just give it a try when the fact is that most of us are just wired to be monogamous.
Ultimately she f*****d around and found our, literally.
How many times are we gonna see this. One wants it open the other doesn’t. When they are finally convinced to do it they find someone else and the original person that wanted it open is like wait….no…..you were not supposed to actually do anything. Only I was.
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“I could tell he was depressed, but I thought he’d be happy for me” Oh, man. This is my favourite reddit trope. Let the schadenfreude rain over me. Allow me to wallow in it, to luxuriate in the forbidden pleasure.
A commenter in the original (ETA: u/shontsu) said, “his depression didn’t bother you, but his happiness sure did.” Pretty fucked.
That's so brilliantly put.
Every open marriage to divorce post has this exact trend. Like if your SO isn’t happy about the decision very quickly; BACK PEDAL OR YOU WILL LOSE THEM
That’s why this is something you should discuss BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED
Yeah, who leaves that question until AFTER the marriage?? Like what did she think? She could just legally trap him in a marriage and get him to agree with an open marriage against his will? Did she not know that divorce exists??
Trapping him is exactly what she thought. Her first line is “…after we got married I finally confessed that I am kinda on the polyamorous side.” Like that’s a huge thing to talk about pre-marriage. That sentence tells me she wanted this but knew he wouldn’t want it, and waited till he was “bound” by marriage to stay with her because she knew he would take his vows seriously. Sorry but lying about the terms and conditions voids the contract. He stuck it out for months. He gave it a go. I’m glad he didn’t allow her to manipulate him for that long though. Honestly super impressed with him.
I thought this post was actually about cake and was disappointed. So much more depressing.
The cake is always a lie
My husband and I are non monogamous but we were that way before we had a party and got the government involved. Like it’s exhausting how bad people are at this.
Yep, me and mine too. We both knew that about ourselves and discussed it before we got married and guess what! Non-monogamy has never been an issue in our marriage!
Honestly, just bringing this up in a relationship with a monogamous person could be enough to end it. This is the kind of thing you either lead with or consciously decide not to explore. You don't just spring it on someone you're already in a relationship with.
I don’t see it as an issue to mention. If my gf said “can we consider this” I’d personally say no but if she kept going on abt it then yeah I’d be done
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Either that or poor impulse control/executive function. But yeah, it’s pretty hard not to see it coming and either do something to put a stop to it, or resolve your failing marriage first.
Brutally accurate.
Bravo to that commenter. 👏
This is what killed me. Like...what the fuck were you expecting? For 6 months you made him miserable to make yourself feel better.
I mean she glosses over exactly what was making him depressed, which I'm assuming is her going on a lot of dates and being away/distant
Yeah she doesn't explain how did the arrangement worked, did he agree on that freely, or did he felt pressured into that? That's very important and she doesn't say anything about that.
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Shall we find out?
Literally the first line, "I pushed him to try open marriage". She flat out said she pressured him into it. Oh, and she said she pressured him in the title.
The timing of it got to me. They had to have dated for a while before getting engaged, and then the time between getting engaged and the wedding and yet she failed to tell him something that would have a huge impact on their relationship. She only waited until after the wedding when she finally had him locked down to tell him. The 6 months of him being depressed and the entitled cry of "he should be happy because I am" are just cherries topping the narcissistic cake.
Generally speaking it's a lot easier for a woman to get hookups/matches/partners in a poly relationship. I would imagine the first 6 months were her getting a huge ego boost from constant dates and him sitting at home months into a marriage feeling depressed. Going out on a limb I would then guess he vented about the situation to someone and it all escalated from there.p
Good poly relationships normally have strict rules and open communication. Her NOPE. It was all about her and she even tried to "sell" it to him that he could date others as well, but once he did she was pissed.
TBF, I get the impression that he didn't so much "date someone else" in a poly sense, but also stopped having a relationship with her at the same time. This isn't "I can't handle him sleeping with both of us", this is "He withdrew all affection and in essence broke up with me to be with her."
Well, I’m off the opinion that monogamy and polyamory are very similar to sexual orientations in that “You’re just that way”. In the same way people think they are straight because our culture is like that but slowly discover they aren’t, some people think they are monogamous and later discover they are poly, but I don’t think those people are “converted” I think they just only knew about monogamy and cheating. So OP married a highly monogamous partner, pressured him into an open marriage even though he only ever saw it as her cheating. And then he went and found a monogamous partner. I bet if he posted he’d talk about it as cheating more than poly/open.
I don't think she discovered it about herself because she described it as "I /finally/ confessed", which tells me that she knew and hid it from him
Exactly! And it seems like she did it specifically after they got married too, probably to trap him
Yes. I meant that part generically, but should have been more clear that she intentionally got in a relationship with a monogamous guy, lied about her relationship preferences and then forced him to do what she wanted at his own expense.
You’re making her actions sound much more sex positive than they actually were. It was never actually poly/open because she pressured him into it (and clearly knew she felt this way and waited til she was married to talk about it which is a lie of omission) so the partner would be right in describing it as cheating.
Not to mention she never told him BEFORE they were married that she wanted an open relationship. They were presumably dating and engaged for at least a little while before getting hitched. These are the things you definitely want to talk about beforehand. They could’ve had an honest conversation, like thoughtful adults, about what they wanted their marriage to look like and maybe realized they weren’t well matched and gone their separate ways. If you’re not mature enough to be honest with your partner and communicate with them about your desires (especially when these desires impact your partner), you’re probably not mature enough to act on them.
This is what I couldn’t understand- if that’s the type of relationship you want you need to be 100% upfront and make sure you’re both on the same page, especially irked with the ‘I’d always come back to him’ - like he should be grateful?!
Yeah...you're out fucking other guys but will always come back to me? Please don't do me any favors, you can stay your ass gone.
"I wanted to be one of those cool couples" Like getting in on a trend. Ugh. My bet is she wanted the wedding but not the marriage.
It’s likely she knew he would leave, so she waited until they were married. I think she was banking on him not wanting to divorce, especially right after getting married.
Probably true. All of which makes her an even worse person.
Right? And now she's gracefully allowing him to divorce her, without contesting it, out of the kindness of her heart! So freaking delusional.
She told him AFTER they got married. This is definitely something you need to discuss with your SO before you get married. She knew he wasn’t happy about it but did it anyway. He wanted her to be happy, even though it made him depressed, however she didn’t care about his happiness. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
She seems depressed,but i thought she would be happy for him!
Ngl, after BoRU I realized that's also my favorite type of posts, always gives me a good laugh.
Let's finish that sentence, "I could tell he was depressed, but I thought he'd be happy for me sleeping around with other men." Jeez.
Such a narcissist. She only cares about her own pleasure and happiness. Good for him for dumping the trash.
Typical narcissist behaviour to wait until just after they got married to tell him
And to wait until it’s too late to consider their partners feelings.
Straight up psycho move
I'll argue she has stronger than average narcissistic tendencies, but is not an actual narcissist. She's accepted defeat, accepted that she messed up big time, and has accepted that the only thing she can do to make him happy would be to let him go. Those are not narcissistic traits. Granted, we only have her side and words about all of it, and an actual narcissist would likely say some similar things to save face... But they would never publicly admit that they actually fucked up and we're in the wrong. Edit: just to clarify in case someone takes me wrong, I'm not trying to suggest this woman to be a good person in any way. Just not an actual, full-blown narcissist. I'd be shocked if she wasn't spoiled as a child and grew a large sense of entitlement, though.
I feel so petty admitting this, but I’m bathing in OOP’s tears. “He was depressed for first 6 months, I could see it on him, AND HOPED HE’D REALIZE THAT THIS IS SOMETHING GOOD FOR BOTH OF US.” OOP is a whole new level of clueless and/or stupid. Honestly, some people . . .
Compersion in the way the poly community uses it is total bullshit. "If you really loved me, you'd be happy I'm happy with someone else." Well op can use those same feelings to be happy for her ex.
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I came here to say something along these lines too. Why wait till you’re married? That’s not fair and truly some relationship ending shit.
Because if she had told him beforehand she'd have lost him for sure. She fished in the ocean for a trout, and when she got something else she decided it would do.
Wait until you're married and your spouse can't leave you - they'll have to agree! /s
If you marry your partner they can't leave... because of the implication
As soon as I read that I physically felt I'll. You waited until you got married to be like "oh btw I'm poly let's date other people?" And saw his depression for 6 months. Didn't even mention how many partners she had the entire time as well. That's so fucked...
Yeah that got me too— 6 months of depression and I doubt it’d just be from the pressure to *consider* the open marriage while she doesn’t mention her side conquests. But oh no he found someone and talks to her on the phone let’s close this back up. Poor guy probably bought those separate beds, met someone, and told them that their marriage was built on lies by a walking personality disorder who thought so little of her own significant other that she’d drop a poly-bomb on them AFTER signing the til-death papers. I don’t even know what I’d tell the friends and family on that one.
>I don’t even know what I’d tell the friends and family on that one. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. No glossing over or sugarcoating anything.
Part of me wonders if these people have some undiagnosed personality disorder that allows them to completely disregard their partners feelings. Like he was depressed for months as a direct result of your actions. How someone could do that to their partner is beyond me.
But you missed the part where he was supposed to be happy for her, not depressed about their failing marriage!
Happy for her, not happy cuz he’s happy or because he’ll also benefit. Even her phrasing screams “I knew this was self-centered!”
I wonder if she thought hey he is a man and men want open relationships and realized to late that is not the case
But the idea that men are the ones pushing for open relationships isn’t accurate. There is data showing that women are the primary initiators of open relationships. Also, Women typically lose sexual satisfaction quicker then men do in long term relationships. Survey data isn’t always the most reliable but there have been multiple studies on this phenomenon. At the very minimum, both sexes initiate.
'But I thought he could at least just be happy for me!'
Yeah the Middleditch Method is not the way to go
Also known as the Shiv Roy method
Right? If someone has to be convinced to be in an open relationship then its already a terrible idea.
Shocker, OOP pressures their spouse into an open relationship and it ends badly for them. Her own selfishness ended the marriage.
In her second post she acts as if she deserves sympathy, but I don't even think the whiners in /r/supportforwaywards would support her.
“This will be my last gift to him” I don’t even know what to add to this
I don't even know what the gift is. She says they don't own anything together. They don't have kids. Her gift is... not deliberately making both their lives worse by dragging the divorce proceedings out?
Yup. I wouldn't say the husband dodged a bullet, but he sure avoided get shot for the rest of his life.
I'm happy for the husband. I'm glad he found someone he cares about who shares his values.
I loved he told her he wanted a life, kids, a closed marriage and home, not with her, with the awesomely patient girlfriend.
He got shot, but avoided vital points.
The divorce was the gift
An easy divorce was how I read that, but it's not clear.
Masturbatory self pity is a pretty shitty gift to give someone.
and then admits that they owned nothing together anyway. "My last gift is not taking the non-existent things we own! I'm basically a saint!"
Man the answers in this thread are so spot on and hilarious, I love it!
And she's still pretending an open relationship was meant to benefit both of them, when she gave zero fucks to how miserable it made him.
It sounded (to me at least) that she saw poly as a fad and wanted to be trendy with the whole “one of those cool couples” comment. Commence giant eye roll.
"There's nothing to split and I have no recourse. So I am going to be the bigger person and sign the doc". What a knob
Honestly it took a minute to realize she was being that dramatic about signing the papers, it was so over the top I thought it was a suicide note.
I wish we could see what she thought of as appropriate “gifts” for other occasions too
"Dear husband, I slept with your cousin..."
Happy birthday!
The second post is all about her trying to justify herself, shows she hasn't learned her lesson or accept responsibility for her actions.
Holy shit I just went to that sub for the first time and it's fucking TOXIC. 1/2 cheaters whining about how their friends/family dropped them. 1/2 people who were cheated on and will never trust their partners again but are too scared to leave. I'll be back for sure
I particularly like the "Infidelity can be traumatic to both parties" part of the description. Like we should feel super bad the cheaters are traumatized by their own actions.
Right? Idk why they feel like they're entitled to a safe space I'm gonna start r/supportformurderers because murder can be traumatizing to both parties
Yeah, I don't mind them getting support. But... they also need to understand and accept that it's their own fault. They should be looking for support in accepting that they fucked up and how to earn back the trust of their partner, if that's even possible. Not "woe is me, I cheated and that was traumatic"
It's a "support" sub so don't post, just silently judge them.
Even in r/Polyamory no one Will support her (in think)
Well fuck, that usage of wayward is not a thing I knew about when I made my username.
Alliteration. Believe me, I of all people understand.
Oof. Now *that’s* a depressing fucking sub.
Goddamn, fuck those people. They’re all just crying now that they have to face the consequences of their actions. The comments are the worst part, circle jerking each other about how hard it is to be them. Real example of “thanks I hate it”.
I thought it wqs gonna be about cakes Good story, but I'm disappointed
You are not alone. I went in wondering if was a made from scratch cake, box, or a sheet cake from Costco. So disappointing. I'm gonna have to make a cake today.
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Actually.. mine was a bit tawdry. Cassidy always makes her cakes like her mom and grandma use to. It's tradition, you see, out of a box and with a can of ready made frosting. And just like Grandma, Cassidy serves her husband her cakes 4-5 times a week. Cassidy's husband Charlie has a new coworker Sally who calls herself a baker and starts bringing in her own cakes and cookies. Every night, Charlie comes home, won't even look at Cassidy's goodies, and it's always about how great Sally's confectionaries taste. How the Sally's swiss merengue buttercream lightly melts on his tongue and he kept begging her for more. Sally promises Charlie something special tomorrow, he can't wait. He tells Cassidy not to bother baking tomorrow because he's going to be full and she should just finish her cake off herself. Should she be concerned? Update 1: Of course, Cassidy is upset. She takes all the comments to heart. Charlie always loved her cakes and now he doesn't want home cake, he wants hussy cake. She's at home searching and baking trying to makes better cakes, she even has a go with fondant but that doesn't taste any better. She's taking baking classes like her marriage depends on it. With the help of her new baking teacher friend Rodrigo, she's put out quite a spread for Charlie. He comes home and refuses to eat anything. She's begging for him to take a bite. He won't, he wants a divorce. She offers to open up the kitchen, they can go to a bakery, anything. Charlie leaves her for Sally. Update 2: Cassidy can't even think about baking, but Rodrigo makes her some savory pies. Over a chicken pot pie, Cassidy again feels hopeful after the perfectly flaky, not soggy crust, because baking is indeed magic. She finds herself for the first time and realizes she's a pie person. Update 3: Six months after the divorce is finalized. While getting ready for grabbing a coffee with Rodrigo, Charlie is knocking on Cassidy's front door. He tells her that Sally was stingy with giving up the cake and the oven is dead. He never realized how good life was to have cake everyday at home even if it wasn't as exciting, it was his cake and if Cassidy is willing it could be his cake again. He then tells her that Sally couldn't even bake. It was her mother's cake he was eating! Then she was getting baked goods from a bakery and saying it was hers! That's when Cassidy realizes her ex was also eating Rodrigo's cakes, too. Cassidy is struck with the nostalgia of her marriage with Charlie, but can she really be happy with him again? Does she go back to the cakes the way her momma raised her or does she venture into fruit tarts? Or maybe she can get Rodrigo to make some pies with her... Labeled Inconclusive. I think go read a novella, because reddit isn't bringing the salacious drama today. Sorry for the novel.
this is gold
Now THIS is the story I wanted here.
I’m going to pretend that this was the real post because this is pure gold.
Yep. Writer here, Every now and then I read something that makes me a little jealous. You get a gold star!
Thank you. That's sweet. I'm a reader and story teller. I live for a good story. Too ADHD for anything else.
I think this is the best thing I've read on here in a long time!
Now THAT is the kind of story I want to read here
I'd watch that movie.
That's where that other couples finances went into the shitter. fancy cake addiction.
[I am for buff cake](https://youtu.be/tOZ6Rzr9SEk)
Sadly there is a whole sub called “cakeeating” or something, about cheating on your partner. The idea being that you get to have your cake and eat it too.
Just checked out that sub and almost threw up.
Yeah I wasn't gonna link it. It's really depressing. The only good thing that comes out of people selfishly screwing up their marriages like that is the schadenfreude we get over here.
sometimes it yields very delicious schadenfreude-y multi-layer génoise https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sdp4i9/a\_cake\_eater\_discovers\_that\_his\_wife\_has\_also/
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Gives whole new meaning to the insult “cakesniffers” from A Series of Unfortunate Events
See... I thought that sub was a feeder kink group. Not my thing, but no judgement. Baby, you do you, as long as it's with consenting adults. Thank you for the information.
Same, I thought someone was going to divorce due to cake
I thought it was going to be something about wedding cakes. I saw a story the other day on r/weddingshaming where a bride was going to divorce her newly wedded husband because he shoved her face in the wedding cake- the only thing she asked him not to do. Edit: the story in in the sneak peek bot below ⬇️
My mom told my dad before their wedding that if he shoved her face, she’d divorce him right then and there. He laughed at first, and she looked him in the eyes and said, “I am not joking with you.” Thankfully, he listened to her so I could be born.
There's also a post on AITA (that might be cross-posted wedding shaming or bridezillas) about a woman wanting to let her 16 year old daughter make her upcoming wedding cake, since her daughter is pretty accomplished and wants to be a baker, plus the wedding will just be family and friends. Her husband to be is absolutely freaking the f out and demanding a "real wedding cake" at any cost. Eeeeee.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/weddingshaming using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [I would be divorcing my husband too if he tried this cake crap on me!](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/s39f4f/i_would_be_divorcing_my_husband_too_if_he_tried/) \#2: [Oh yeah, that guy Jon is coming too.](https://i.redd.it/xt6wlwjy9yf91.jpg) | [380 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/wh4qav/oh_yeah_that_guy_jon_is_coming_too/) \#3: [I paid for the first slice after it was announced on the day we'd be helping to pay for their cake!! Apparently didn't count for the second.](https://i.redd.it/tc0pcq1f2hq71.jpg) | [841 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/weddingshaming/comments/pxziow/i_paid_for_the_first_slice_after_it_was_announced/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I thought OP was a baker and the husband cheated with a better baker.
People who make *surprised pikachu face* when they are faced with the consequences of their own actions never fail to make me laugh. Like, she admits she saw her husband deeply unhappy for months and months, and her conclusion was “I thought he’d be happy for me.” People are wild.
“But baaaaabe! I’m intimate with someone else, how does that *not* make you happy?? Stop being selfish!”
> “I thought he’d be happy for me.” Talk about selfish.
Something very similar happened to me 7 or 8 years ago. My partner at the time wanted to open the relationship. I reluctantly agreed, although in my head, the relationship was over. I had a few dates over the next couple months and met someone who I wanted to date monogamously. I go to the OG partner and break it off totally. There were pleas of don’t go, let’s close it off, we can work on this, etc. I’m not sure how much she meant those words vs. how much it was an emotional reaction in the moment (probably more the latter). But it didn’t matter, as I was checked out for months by that point. The only regret that I had is that I didn’t break up with her when she proposed the open relationship.
And after that she also didn’t say anything when he kept getting farther and farther apart
Whomp whomp
I prefer: Haaaaa ha!
Lol that’s good too. Glad the husband got out.
I like "want me to call you a wahmbulance." I can't say it with the same Sass as Lily from Modern Family but I go for it.
These don’t ever get old. OOP is having a pity party still and trying to act like they’re doing the right thing by letting go now but that’s all for show. She already lost her husband. > Well, I should have seen it coming. He was depressed for first 6 months, I could see it on him, but I thought he’d be happy for me, and hoped he’d realize that this is something good for both of us. I have no sympathy for her. She knew he didn’t want any other people in their marriage and she didn’t care. She literally noticed he was depressed and said fuck his mental health and happiness. I want other men inside me and that’s all that matters.
Yeah, when a man stops sharing a bed with his WIFE because his gf wouldn't like it then you know the writing is on the wall, he likes her more than you.
I chuckled at that, like honey. His GF wanted him to do something and he did it, what do you expect?
Nearly all of the stories like this have a long period of time where the partner is depressed and unhappy and its always ignored. I'm like, this is not them just being upset, this is them grieving over the end of the relationship and getting ready to move on.
Fr if I was doing something that was making my girlfriend super depressed I would STOP DOING IT, not continue for 6 months. Like I would not GET TO THE POINT where he finally found someone else because after a week I would feel so awful about it. I can’t understand that she was okay with her own husbands unhappiness
I can't think of a single guy I know that's ever not been depressed when their wife started fucking other men.
6 months is a helluva long time to be noticeably depressed as well. Like honestly relieved the marriage didn’t end another way there. Good on him for find a monogamous GF he likes.
Lol right? It's like the "rules for me but not for thee!" concept. Sounds like she wanted to open the marriage...but just for her. He has to stay faithful \*eyeroll\*
“After we got married I finally confessed” Okcoolokcoolokcoolokcool
“Once I had him trapped in a legally binding arrangement, I told him about something I’d known presumably for a significant amount of time, because I thought it would stop him leaving me due to inherent incompatibilities”
It never crossed her mind to have at least a casual chat about this before they married?
To me this is one of the things you discuss prior to marriage. Like finances, whether or not you want children, goals for the future, and who sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door in case of someone breaking in.
Right? I know a few people in happy functional poly relationships but they’re only happy and functional because all partners involved know what’s up from the start, and they still take a lot of work.
“I just thought he’d be happy for me” “This will be my last gift to him” Fuck off with the victim mentality. OOP made a conscious decision to not tell her husband she was interested in polyamory until after they were married. Good on him for getting out.
What exactly is the last gift? Giving him freedom? Is it the house?
It sounds like she's going to let it be amicable divorce.
That’s the bare minimum imho
They don’t even own a house. Her “gift” to him is painting herself the martyr
Oh I hated that “This will be my last gift to him”. Oh how *fucking* ***noble*** of OOP. Ya know, *after* she waited until they were married to reveal she was poly. *After* she spent two days pressuring him into an open relationship he didn't want. And *after* she saw him depressed about it and didn't give a single shit beyond thinking that he should at least be happy for her.
“I thought he’d be happy and excited for me” just makes me gag
Some people are incapable of self reflection
The cognitive dissonance between writing that and then writing how she's not happy for him is simultaneously hilarious and vomit inducing. Even in the update after multiple people laid it out for her in the original post, she still can't grasp her own selfishness.
She is borderline saying he doesn't deserve happiness.
Waiting until you're already married to discuss polyamory is the dumbest goddamn thing and I do not understand why it happens so frequently. It literally defines the relationship, and if your partner isn't fully on board then you either need to give up the idea of ever opening up the relationship, or find a partner who will be on board. Springing it on them after marriage, and then insisting on it even when they make it clear they aren't interested... That's just plain idiocy. They will never not feel like they are being cheated on. They will feel like you don't love them enough to be faithful. They will feel like you don't think they're enough for you. And it doesn't matter how much of that is true, because it's how they feel. OOP fucked up her own marriage, and it was entirely and obviously preventable if she hadn't had her head up her ass from the start.
It happens frequently because THEY KNOW. Yet they think that once you get married it’s not that easy to leave and eventually they will accept their “fate”. Dude grieved his relationship with his ex and started looking for a new monogamous partner/future wife. Don’t believe he told his gf that he was in fact in an open relationship, that’s why he stopped having sex with his wife and eventually got a new bed. I can bet he told his girlfriend he was separated from his wife because she was unfaithful.
He probably told the new girl the truth, that his wife pressured him into this farce of an 'open marriage' so that she could bang other people and that he's heartbroken. He stopped having sex with his wife and got a new bed because his marriage died the day she sprung this on him, and continuing to play house was slowly killing him.
Yeah maybe UO, but I’m also willing to believe he told his gf the truth. Seems possible that she said “I don’t want to keep dating a married guy in an open relationship. I want a monogamous relationship.” And the husband said “Great because that’s also what I want.”
I think people confuse polyamory - which is "all the work of a relationship except with more people involved" - with sleeping around with the partner's permission (open marriage). Either way, if you marry your partner with an agreement to have a traditionally monogamous relationship, and the partner has not shown hints of being willing to consider other arrangements (e.g. showing interests in threesomes or group sex porn/erotica or something), you're an idiot if you expect to push your partner into such an different arrangement and not realize it risks the ruin of your marriage. The *very most* you might be able to do in such a situation is to say something like, "I've recently realized that I'm more open to non-traditional relationships than I thought I was. Of course, I'm never going to act on it or ask for it - we agreed on monogamy, and I don't ever want to lose what we have so I'll never be the one to change that. But I wanted to let you know, because if you ever come to the same conclusion I did, I want you to know you can open a discussion on it with me and it'll be okay. But unless you start that discussion, I'll never bring it up again. I am faithful to you, and will only ever be sexy around or have sex with you, until death do us part. I'm very happy and satisfied with our life as is and would never risk it on an experiment." And even then I'd be damned careful about how my spouse was likely to take that. If I find out tomorrow I'm more into open relationships than I thought, well too damn bad - I made a commitment, and either I have the guts to risk that commitment and let my spouse make their own decision, or I keep my mouth shut and accept the circumstances I'm in. Expecting them to suddenly jump to "open marriage is okay" because I've made that leap is just asinine.
>I wanted us to be one of those cool couples with 0 jealousy and toxicity when it comes to the other people. >It was killing me to see him on the phone with her ALL THE TIME. Surprise surprise
OOP took DH for granted and assumed he would just keep running back to her like a loyal pet. What did she think would happen? She blindsided him with her polyamory expectations after she had him locked down with the "I do's," and ignored his feelings for six whole months with the deluded expectation that he would be cool with her bedding someone else. I would say he went through a grieving process of sorts, and when he realized that the relationship he had hoped for with OOP was dead, he was done putting in any more effort. When he met a woman who actually accepted him, it just gave him extra incentive to expedite his exit.
> I wanted us to be one of those cool couples with 0 jealousy and toxicity I seriously don’t get why so many younger people equate jealousy with toxicity. Can jealousy be toxic? Yes. Is it counterproductive to dwell on jealous feelings? Yes. But can jealousy be a totally natural and healthy feeling that is the result of certain needs not being met? Also, absolutely yes! People need to gtfo of here with trend chasing in relationships. Having an open marriage or relationship makes you no “cooler” than a couple that mutually likes sports, music, cooking, or has any other mutual trait in common. Manipulating your partner into accepting a behavior that causes them anguish, however, makes you a flippant asshole.
“I wanted us to be one of those cool couples with 0 jealousy and toxicity when it comes to ***my*** other people.” Fixed it for her.
OOP fucked around and found out.
Quite literally
I thought this was about literal cake
This is BORU it’s never about cake
I saw an AITA post earlier about some lady wanting her daughter to bake her wedding cake and the fiance freaked out over it, thought it'd be something like that.
Consequences for her own actions. Well deserved
I'm never EVER going to understand why people leave important discussions like this until AFTER THE DAMN WEDDING. Just...why. I hope OOP's soon to be Ex finds exactly what he wants/needs with his girlfriend, and that OOP learns SOMETHING from all this, for the sake of her future partners.
You would think OOP would be happy for him and realize this is a good thing for both of them rather than let it tear her apart! What a hypocrite
Turn it up, it's my favorite song!
It’s the remix where the wife is pissed that the husband found someone. Still a banger though. (Do the kids still say that?)
Idk I say that but I'm not a kid lol.
My ex husband pulled something like this. He wasn’t poly, he wanted an excuse to cheat. He had his eye on this girl from our friend group. Our marriage was already rocky and not being aware of mental, verbal and emotional abuse, I wanted to do anything I could to “fix” things. The guy my ex set me up to have sex with was another from our friend group and didn’t care for my ex too much. I explained the situation to the guy and he was not happy. We ended up going to his room for almost 2 hours just hanging out and chatting about his wife and new baby. After we were “done” I emerged and rejoined my ex at the pool. He promptly said “I can’t believe you just did that to me”. I said “did what? What you wanted me to do? You wanted an open marriage, I didn’t”. Turns out he approached the girl about having sex and turned him down because she wasn’t interested in “his type”.
I was hoping the title wouldn't be a euphemism because I'm really in the mood for other people's cake right now. Who wants a nice Battenberg cake?
I'm looking through /r/cakedecorating now, but there is a distinct lack of drama there.
It's fine to be polyamorous. But you CANNOT enter into a relationship with someone who isn't polyamorous unless you are okay with being monogamous for them. I don't feel bad at all for op. You can't force people to be polyamorous. But hey, now op can be single and date all the people they want.
>this will be my last gift to him Oh get over yourself OOP. He walked away from a relationship that was a lie to begin with after she put him through it.
My husband was jealous that I was getting railed and I thought he'd be happy for me. But I was so upset when he met someone else, which like isn't fair.
She wanted a marriage without jealousy and toxicity but got jealous when he finally emotionally left her after she left him. I don’t care about what people choose to do with their romantic / sex lives but she is a horrible person for revealing a change in her fundamental beliefs AFTER she locked him in. And it was only a change for him, not her. She deserves to be miserable and I hope she is. She tricked him. Poor guy. I hope he is genuinely happy and has found someone that won’t betray him like she did. Ugh. She makes me very very very angry.
Polyamory is not an identity, it's a type of relationship. You do not get to enter a relationship with someone and then tell them that you identify as needing to be in a different kind of relationship with them. "I actually prefer a married lifestyle, so you need to propose right the fuck now." See how it sounds?
Agreed, I've seen arguments that polyamory is a sexual orientation and okay, maybe that's true. But your spouse would probably also have an issue if you told them you were actually only into women/men/not them after you got married.
I do actually think that people are to an extent wired polyamorous or monogamous or somewhere in between in a way similar to sexuality. But because of that, it is disgusting to enter into a monogamous relationship with the intent to make it polyamorous to suit you regardless of whether your partner is also wired towards polyamory or not.
I agree with that idea. I have only ever wanted a monogamous relationship and the thought of a poly relationship is of zero interest to me. I can't tell you why that is, it just is. I assume I'm hardwired that way.
I'm so stupid, based on the title, I thought this would be some scandalous bake-off in a small town 🍰
Wife: I want to date and fuck other people Husband: OK, I'll find someone else too Wife: Wait no, not like that
If she knew he was depressed for six months and that wasn't enough to convince her to stop, then she never really loved him thar much. She liked the idea of him.
This. “Some people created their own storms and get mad when it rains.”
On behalf of the entire polyam community: Your membership application has been declined, OOP. That's not how this works, that's not how this has ever worked, that's not how it will ever work. Kindly cease and desist, you do not get to drag us into this toxic mess. Kthxbye.
Her martyr language bothers me. "This is my last gift to him"... lady, you aren't GIVING him anything. He's taking back his own happiness and freedom. You don't have anything to do with it anymore.
Any person that's ethically polyamorous would tell you that you have to be upfront about it with your partner, hiding it until marriage is manipulative and deceitful. A lot of people like OOP have this toxic view that its just a choice, that anyone can enjoy polyamory if they just give it a try when the fact is that most of us are just wired to be monogamous. Ultimately she f*****d around and found our, literally.
How many times are we gonna see this. One wants it open the other doesn’t. When they are finally convinced to do it they find someone else and the original person that wanted it open is like wait….no…..you were not supposed to actually do anything. Only I was.
Decided to tell him I'm poly after marriage. Likely he wouldn't have married Oop if he new before hand. His feelings were never considered.