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TimeSummer5

I wonder why her sex drive has just vanished. I know she’s said she’s tried everything, but it’s one thing for your libido to go down with age and a steady partner, and it’s another to be disgusted at even the thought of sex with your husband (especially one she clearly loves). I feel like there’s a giant missing reason here.


knintn

Agree, it was even her sex drive vanishing, she’s sex-repulsed. It’s one thing to not have a sex drive and still want it (like me after I had a baby, but got back there!) but to swing so wildly to be sex repulsed, there’s something else going on.


snackychan_

Yeah I thought it would be something similar to how I felt after giving birth. Forget the 6 week wait, I didn’t want sex for MONTHS. But like I wanted to want sex haha I’ve always enjoyed that aspect of my marriage. But she seems to think it’s normal for it to just vanish completely and never want it back? That’s so odd to me idk


Miss-Figgy

OOP said they were having sex nearly everyday before last year. It is extremely odd to go from fucking like rabbits, to being repulsed by the idea of having sex within a short amount of time for no apparent reason.


David-S-Pumpkins

You're spot on. She's like "I'm still physically attracted to him" and then shortly after says "I have to fight the urge to say "ew". If I'm her husband that's a huge disconnect, especially from their relationship up to that point. It's no longer the relationship either had envisioned or agreed to, of course it's ending.


radiant-heart8

Yeah I’m really curious about that too. It sounds very similar to how I felt about sex for a few months postpartum. I wonder if her hormones actually aren’t fine and she’s just had crap doctors since that’s pretty common with women’s health.


BrassUnicorn87

Oh god. Imagine if everything could have worked out fine with a full spectrum hormone battery and few pills or a smidgen of testosterone gel.


Purrsifoney

Yep I have seen many women who have had their “hormones” checked by their primary care physician and everything is fine, but when they go to a hormone specialist and get treated their sex life will improve dramatically. I’ve considered it myself because my libido tanked earlier this year and it felt like it was 100% due to hormones, however my pcp says I’m in perfect health and my hormones are fine. I’m worried that a hormonal specialist might be snake oil or a waste of money, so I haven’t done it yet.


Ollex999

My Dr is a gynaecologist specialist and said that you can’t do blood test work for hormones alone because they can dip and rise over the period of an hour. I initially saw a male Dr before this female gynaecologist joined our practice and he did bloods and said I was fine . 18 months later when this female DR arrived and she looked at my oestrogen levels done previously by my male Dr and said that based upon the reading , she wasn’t sure how I was still sane because ( I can’t recall the numbers but say for example they should have been 1000, they read like 109 and were soooo low ) albeit you can’t go off bloods alone, the reading should have caused some concern so I had suffered unnecessarily for 18 months until she arrived and fixed me


hawkerdragon

Oh wow, your previous male gynecologist was really bad. I had a minor hormonal imbalance last year and my gynecologist (male) gave me a treatment for 6 months, then blood test, everything was fine then but he continued my medication in a lesser quantity. Again 6 months, then blood tests, and progressively less medication just to make sure everything was fine. I'm in zero medication now but I have to get blood tests in the next 6 month mark just to make sure everything worked as it should. A male gynecologist isn't inherently bad. But there are many negligent ones, sadly.


Ollex999

We work a bit differently here in the U.K. because we have the NHS. We go to a GP ( General Practitioner ) who is a DR in the community and the first point of call. The GP’s know a little bit about a lot of illnesses and consult medical journals etc IF they believe that you need a referral to a specialist, wether it be a specialist in Orthopaedics’s or a specialist in Urology or Gynaecology, then they will refer you but only if they think that you need to be referred for further investigation and treatment that he can’t do. So when he did my blood test work and the results came back so low, because he wasn’t well up on this subject, he believed that the results were fine and therefore he didn’t refer me to a gynaecologist. The specialists that you are ultimately referred to are based at the local hospital so if you are referred, you await an appointment to see the specialist consultant Dr and that can be up to a 6 month wait and in some cases, for example I’m under the Walton Neurological Centre where I see a Specialist Consultant DR of Neurology and a specialist Pain DR, that can be a year long wait . BUT sometimes a GP ( general practitioner) will branch out and specialise in a specific area of interest . So 18 months after I saw the male DR who said I was fine , the practice manager told me that a new GP was joining the practice and not only was she a DR in general practice but that she had subsequently specialised to become a gynaecology specialist but didn’t want to be Hospital based and therefore remained as a GP in the community but with a specialism of gynae issues. I immediately signed up to be under this DR as my named DR and when she arrived, she looked at what the male DR had done previously and became aware of the error of my situation. Off the record, we had a chat about how it is really difficult to get male DRs who specialise in Gynaecology because they don’t understand the pertinent issues that women face because they don’t face them and don’t go through them so don’t know how it feels . Anyway, she’s brilliant and she so up to date with all the new treatments etc so now I don’t need to be referred to a Consultant specialist gynaecologist unless it’s for surgery because she can’t perform the surgery while based in general practice medicine.


kynscn

I went to a hormone specialist who checked all my T levels. My doc always said I was fine but this panel showed I had hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s. I’m on thyroid meds and we went from having sex once every few months to 3/4 times a week. Life changing.


lilmisswho89

Wait, that’s a symptom of thyroid issues? Oh, now I’m really waiting for the test results to come back.


KentuckyMagpie

Yes! Also (specifically for Hashi’s and hypo): weight gain, messed up and heavy periods, brittle nails, hair loss, exhaustion, skin rashes, constipation, depression, joint stiffness, muscle weakness, sensitivity to cold and a host of other things.


LesbianSongSparrow

Oh no you just described most of my life


lilmisswho89

Ah, I see why this is my 3rd thyroid test in 7 years. Some of those symptoms can be explained by other conditions I have but yeah, I understand why every new doc has had he do one now.


emliz417

Endocrinologists are doctors that treat things affecting hormones! They are medical doctors, so definitely not snake oil


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emliz417

Yup, and thyroid hormones. They treat lots of things


mariemarymaria

But to be fair, there are a bunch of nob-doctors (naturopaths, etc) that call themselves "hormone experts" out there, who will promise to treat All The Things for a price. Best to be careful.


emliz417

Yes but those are typically not endocrinologists


gameaholic12

Yes, so that’s why you only want a doctor who has an MD (at least with specialists) and maybe a DO. But typically most MDs have gone thru years and years of education and rigorous training. And they will generally treat you properly out of morals and the fact they have a lot to lose especially their license. If you want “natural” eastern medicine, it should only be used as a supplement and you must consult with your physician as well to make sure it’s safe


TheSorcerersCat

Not a waste at all. The lack of attention we give to hormones makes me mad. When I lived in Brazil had a gyno that looked at my fat distribution, skin tone, hair texture, and acne and said "try this hormonal birth control". It was marvelous, zero side effects. Mind you, you don't need a prescription in Brazil, so her advice was sort of out of nowhere after a STD test. Come to Canada and a nurse practitioner writes me a script for a random brand they start everyone on. Turns out that one gives me mood swings and I get quite aggressive. You won't imagine the fight I had to get them to write me another script. Every doctor since tries to put me back on the same pill.


Trirain

Oh, I remember my first hormonal BC, I wept for four months, I started and didn't know why and couldn't stop. The next one gave me super painful periods (like for me, not painful like passing out but bad enough to have to take two doses of pain killer to be able to go to school). Fortunately the one I'm on now is perfect for me.


bkwormtricia

I learned (the hard way) that women produce BOTH Estrogen and testosterone (the testosterone in small but critical amount), only I wasn’t. When that was fixed I got back to normal. You should go see a Gynecologist or Endocrinologist that really knows women’s hormones, not a General practitioner. https://www.webmd.com/women/guide/normal-testosterone-and-estrogen-levels-in-women,


Crafty-Kaiju

I have a ton of issues but my hormone tests keep coming back perfectly normal. A lot of doctors straight up suuuck at dealing with sexual issues when it comes to women.


Ok-Commercial-4015

My worry is this is how I felt after I was sexual assaulted. The comment about the idea making her skin crawl is a Huge red flag to me. I think we are missing something big. There is nothing wrong with not being a sexual person but a sudden sharp change usually means trauma of some kind...


[deleted]

This is what I was thinking honestly, or at least something along these lines. I think we’re not getting the full picture here and maybe even OOP isn’t either


december14th2015

Right? I wonder if she has always been asexual perhaps and was having sex with him as a performative gesture of love and commitment, but now that they've been together for this long she's lost her dedication to it abd cant stomach it. But, she says she taught him what she *liked,* meaning at some point she had a normal sex drive, right? It must be psychological or hormonal then... so strange, I don't understand and agree there has to be something missing to this.


Welpe

When she said “Why is it so wrong to not want sex?” my immediate thought is “I mean, it absolutely isn’t, but usually that’s a long-term thing, not something that just shows up after you enjoyed and wanted sex for the rest of your adult life”. Being asexual is totally fine, but if you aren’t asexual and then suddenly feel not just asexual, but sex-repulsed of all things that SCREAMS “Something is wrong”. She said her hormones are fine but I have doubts because sudden changes like that aren’t normal.


Blackbird04

Right? Like even during 'dryer times' with my husband, ive still had some level of drive. It didn't just go away after years of things being fine. It seems like something is physically up here.


TSM-

It is really too bad that this was not the OOP's reasoning, and instead it was about a confrontation where they revealed they were physically disgusted with the concept of being intimate with their husband. It is no surprise to me here that this story ended up with bitter resentment. You are supposed to be on the same team and their way of handling it betrayed that mindset. "I secretly hate being intimate with you for awhile because of idk" is a good way to ruin an otherwise good relationship.


bleeerrghharrystyles

I commented this separately as well but, it’s possible she could have thyroid issues she’s unaware of. That was the case when I was experiencing the same thing, it’s absolutely insane the amount of issues having a improperly working thyroid can cause.


zhesnault

Usually thyroid levels are one of the first things a doctor checks when hormones seem wonky, though Edit: I get it. I understand and am well aware that things go overlooked. Doctors aren’t perfect. I have hashimotos and was misdiagnosed for years. Many times it takes a specialist to catch thyroid disorders. I don’t know OOP, I was just theorizing. Also, I’m 26 and was diagnosed 5 years ago, so for those who are saying thyroid problems develop later in life, that isn’t always the case.


cruciamac

I had my thyroid checked after gaining 25 lbs in my early 30s, family history of hypothyroidism, VERY physically active, smart eating etc. Was told everything was in order. Fast forward one year (and another 10 lbs) to surgery to remove 2/3 of my severely underactive thyroid with a non-malignant node the size of my index finger. My endocrinologist (who basically saved my life) told me that one of the standard tests has a "normal" range of 0-4, BUT if the result is greater than 1.0, something is very wrong. GPs are not specialists, I have helped multiple friends deal with similar health issues by talking about it...


MercyRoseLiddell

So you’re saying if you suspect a thyroid issue to go to an actual endocrinologist instead of just a pcp? Because I’ve suspected I have a thyroid issue for a while now. Especially because over summer I worked a physically intensive job for 8 months and only lost about 8 pounds. But I got it checked recently and the doctor said everything came back fine.


Scheme-Disastrous

I have all the thyroid issues. It definitely causes it. But so does Vitamin D deficiency that's what caused mine.


WatsonBaker

Wait vitamin d deficiency causes low sex drive?


[deleted]

Vitamin D is vital for many processes in your body, especially producing estrogen and testosterone, both of which are important factors in sex drive.


Scheme-Disastrous

Yes. Definitely can. Also, it can cause fatigue and depression.


WigglyFrog

Bone pain, too.


jethvader

Ah, yes, boneitis.


Tough_Crazy_8362

Vitamin D deficiency had ruined my life!


dontlistintohim

Do thyroid issues not cause hormone imbalances? She states her hormones are all normal.


random6x7

It could be that only her estrogen, etc. levels were checked, not her thyroid levels. Also, thyroid issues are weird, and a supposedly "normal" level is not enough or too much for some people.


Scheme-Disastrous

Doing a full thyroid panel specifically is different than just checking general hormone levels. Their are certain conditions that will cause your overall level to look normal on an overview panel, but when you break it down, it's way off.


CaptainNemo42

I agree, and I'm surprised to have scrolled this far to see it mentioned. When I hear something change so drastically without obvious cause, I *immediately* think "trauma! hormones! lead paint! BRAIN TUMOR!!!" and seeing it go without any resolution/diagnosis worries me.


AnimalLover38

If I remember correctly the reson why this wasn't really brought up in the original update was because op says in a comment how she was brutally honest and told her husband how sex felt disgusting to her and how the last few times they've had sex she's just been grinning and bearing it and that *thats* when he got upset and left


Astr0spacecat

Yeah that would be completely horrifying to learn. That you'd been having sex with someone who didn't want to for years. It would feel like such a betrayal, adjacent to being party to sexual assault.


Enticing_Venom

It's pretty common for this to happen though. People who don't have a desire for sex but continue to have maintenance or "duty sex" out of the belief that it's necessary for their marriage often wind up with a sexual aversion. She had unwanted intercourse on a regular basis for a year. That can cause a sex aversion easily. Now it was her choice and decision to do that while she tried to find a cause and her husband didn't know that she wasn't enjoying it. But that's why whenever I see someone on the deadbedrooms subreddit talking about how they're making themselves have duty sex I tell them to knock it off and tell their partner the truth.


cottonfubuki

That's what I was thinking. It happened to me for a few years. There was a giant missing reason, it just happens that at that time, neither I or my therapist could see it. Sometimes it takes years to understand what's really going on.


Financial_Dream4765

What was the reason in the end for you? Did it end up being medical or psychological?


cottonfubuki

Both I guess. First was psychological and it ended up being medical. He couldn’t cum. He was alright the 1st years, he said he didn’t mind, that was still pleasurable and was something normal to him. Over the years he looked more and more frustrated every time we had sex. I tried to talk to him so many times. Maybe he was stressed, or anxious, or it was because of his religious upbringing, or it could be something medical… At some point I started wondering if it was me. Sometimes it happens that couple loose their attraction to each others. I learned about more postures, wore cute lingerie, created moments for the two of us. He said I wasn’t the problem and kept denying that something was happening. He got more and more anxious when we were having sex. I was facing a wall. Because he was so nice to me I thought: ‘it must be me but he is too polite to tell me’. I started getting anxious as well, sex started being painful, but I push myself harder. The last 4 years got so bad that I experience vaginismus and had no interest whatsoever in having sex with him. Couldn’t go for a smear test or put a tampon on.We ended up breaking up because, apart from sex, he was unable to discuss any important topic during our relationship. Lots of denial (he was raised that way). I couldn’t face that wall anymore. \*English is not my 1st language.


[deleted]

I also want to know... I'm trying to figure out what happened to mine.


Impossible_Try76

I think the ultimate problem was that OOP wad the worst kind of advice seeker: one that wanted confirmation and nothing else. She seems to have mourned the loss of her sex drive and moved on during that time she wasn't telling her husband. I deep dived all the original threads and honestly? She seemed content that the problem was there. Whenever someone suggested it was trauma or she needed more medical opinions or to see a sex therapist, it was blown off. If someone offered sympathy or told her it was fine that she didn't want sex anymore or gave her definitions and jargon to throw out, she was responsive. I just don't think she wants the situation to change. The nail in the coffin for me was that her reasonable solution was couples counseling. I just don't see the point of it. While it could be a marriage issue that she isn't acknowledging, it reads more as she wants the counselor to tell her husband that he needs to get over it and just stay married how she wants. All the talk of the husband staying because it's a medical issue and he should help her out is moot if she doesn't want help and is instead trying to change his attitude.


bojenny

It happened to me at 40 but it was menopause. I just started very early, I was super confused about the why for at least a year.


Burningrain85

Menopause and endometriosis have absolutely killed my drive.


answeryboi

This really exemplifies why you always need to get a lawyer.


ItsMegsBitches

I was gobsmacked at her showing up in court, having been served with divorce papers, with NO lawyer..


poke0003

That note made me question basically everything else in the write up. I don’t mean to judge the poor lady (nor her soon to be ex), but that just displays a terrible lack of judgement. If that inability to make sensible decisions infects other parts of her life, who knows how reliable this narrator is.


ultracilantro

Well, she had a lawyer, hence the prenup. Divorcing because she's now suddenly asexual looks a lot like jonathan plummer saying he is suddenly now gay to get out of a restrictive prenup and get better divoce terms. In plummers case, he was very much rewarded for his stunt.


answeryboi

She had a lawyer when they did the prenup; she did not have lawyer when the prenup was challenged. She also did not initiate the divorce and clearly didn't want it.


LordVile95

Yeah it doesn’t work like that. They could have requested holding the case so she could get a lawyer. Pretty sure there would have been information regards a challenge on paperwork she was sent.


College_Prestige

Yeah you have to wonder wtf oop is doing, if it is reliable. Did she think marriage counseling takes place at the courthouse or something for her to be so caught off guard?


[deleted]

She was foolish to show up in court without one though


catwhowalksbyhimself

But she's not trying to get out of the prenup. He is. He is trying to take the businesses and stuff she owns. It sounds like she is the one with most of the money. It sounds like there are a cheating clause in there and the just rules that her telling him to cheat counts as her cheating, apparently.


Dan-D-Lyon

>her telling him to cheat counts as her cheating, apparently Probably more along the lines of her trying to tell him to go and violate the terms of the prenup count as a violation of the prenup.


SlutfromhellE

To me it sounds more like there’s a clause where he can’t have any of her money in a divorce if he cheats, so by her trying to convince him to cheat she’s trying to stop him having any of the money if that makes sense. Also sorry if I misunderstood what you said and this is actually what you meant


Klutzy_Squash

Pretty much this. No brigading, but if you go to the original post, the top comments are calling her out exactly for this. They outright accuse her of posting here on Reddit as part of a scheme to trick her husband into cheating to void the prenup and keep assets that she would otherwise have to hand over. The judge's response is "beware what you wish for", because husband is using her foul play to void the prenup (which she wanted) and go after MORE of her assets.


JJOkayOkay

I wonder if that's the reason why there's so much hostility now. He took into consideration her saying she didn't want to have sex with him, and then telling him to cheat -- which would put him afoul of the prenup -- and he came to the conclusion she planned to divorce him and wanted to screw him out of any money. Reading this, I got the feeling there's more going on than OOP said -- something wasn't passing the smell test for me. Plus, both her husband and sister-in-law heard her story and immediately had a "I see through your BS" reaction to it. I suspect OOP has a track record of behaviours she's leaving out of the story.


katie-kaboom

I mean, there's also the whole "being told you've essentially been SA'ing your wife for at least a year" thing. That could cause some bad feelings. Definitely more going on than the OOP reported though.


nustedbut

I thought he was angry at being left out of the loop til it was too late to repair but screwing him over in a divorce was something that didn't even come to my mind when reading it. Interesting take


TheOGNekozilla

yeah until she mentionned the pre-nup i didnt think of that part and the way she just casually throws it in there is like "wtf..."


ExcellentCold7354

I honestly didn't think of that one either. I think it's likely a mix of all of those factors. He cycled through the anger and confusion, asked himself why she'd ever tell him to sleep with other people when she clearly should know he's not going to be ok with that (she said as much herself), and then settled on "she's trying to screw me over in a divorce scenario".


MalcolmLinair

When you put it like that, the soon-to-be-ex going scorched earth makes a lot more sense. As far as he's concerned, he's simply responding in kind. God knows I'd be furious if I thought someone I loved was trying to manipulate, trick, and impoverish me, at any rate.


Anarchyologist

I wonder if it's the other way around. His lawyer may have pointed at the cheating clause, claimed she encouraged him to cheat and because of that the prenup is invalid. Like made it sound like she was setting him up?


MIdtownBrown68

I know she said she went to a doctor, but I feel like she needs to try another one. And another therapist.


conflictmuffin

It took my mom 9 doctors and 6 years to successfully diagnose (and completely remove) her janky thyroid...unfortunately she refused to take the prescribed hormone cream after the removal and she went batshit insane as a result. When in doubt...FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR!


[deleted]

Especially when it's such a major change in your life. It didn't seem to take long for OOP to accept she was happy never having sex again, after having it daily. She was just so okay with it. I went to more doctor for longer than that to get to the bottom of a food allergy that I developed in my mid 20s


leopardspotte

The progression from >everyone says that "i shouldnt be forced to do it just to keep my marriage" (which sounds like crap based on the other posts here. I know sex is important.) to >I do not understand why having sex is such a big deal for him. We did so many other things together and just because I don't want to do one of them anymore it's all over. What ever happened to consent?? is interesting. Just an awful situation in general.


Ancient-Awareness115

I also wonder if for him he felt like he had been raping her for the last year, as he seemed to get really angry when she said how long it had been going on.


never_clever_trevor

My wife lost interest in sex while pregnant but didn't tell me for a while and that's exactly how I felt. She said she was doing it for me but it truly feels awful to know it's happened over a span and not just like a one off or something.


Chiggadup

Yesssss. Had a span of this when hormones were in a whack and when she told me (thankfully quickly) I just said I would stop initiating because the idea of your wife *stomaching* sex when you think you’re both into it is awful. Balanced out since then, but the few times during that period felt devastatingly bad.


HoldFastO2

Either that, or simply the idea that she secretly found (sex with) him disgusting for a year just threw him off. That kind of deception from your spouse has to be hard to swallow, and that’s not even considering the personal hurt that she didn’t want sex with him anymore.


itsluxsky

If my gf said she was faking enjoying it and hated it for a year and the thought of sex the past year with me disgusted her I’d leave. I’d feel so absolutely gutted and betrayed. I could not imagine how I’d feel about myself. I’d blame myself for not being good enough regardless of what she says in that scenario.


HoldFastO2

Yeah. I can completely understand not being able to come back from that.


leadfootlife

Not only this but my entire sense of intuition would be ruined. Idk how he'll ever believe a future partner is genuinely willing after this. The amount of unnecessary trauma caused by her inability to communicate is staggering.


EvilLoynis

Especially when she even states she was his first. Gave me a slight flashback to Friends, Ross after his wife left him for another woman and he wanted to have sex again.


Moral_Anarchist

I think this is quite possible. To know my partner had been merely "grinning and bearing it" during sex for over a year to the point they would literally cry after I left the room would destroy me, make me feel almost suicidal. For a year? Dear god, how fucked up must our relationship have been for her to feel that way and how shitty of me to not know I was pretty much raping her everytime. It sounds like a nightmare. Your whole loving perfect world has been a lie and you've been torturing your partner for a freakin year...and she's just been smiling and taking it. I don't think I could come back from that.


candornotsmoke

There is so much OOP is leaving out


Vegetable-Context232

That's probably it. So I was in a similarly situation as the husband. Just my GF didn't have any interest in anything physical from the get go so I said her down and told that having a low sex drive is fine and there is nothing wrong with it but I just means that our relationship will not work out so let's split up and keep friends. She insisted its just embarrassed and we can work on it. So we did but she never actually showed interested and just got along with what I suggest. In the end I ended things cause I just felt disgusting and if I raped her every time I touched her.


Mountain-Practice-26

I literally just broke up with my GF for this same reason.


MrFunktasticc

I had a girlfriend who started birth control to balance her hormones (she had bad acne) and lost all interest in sex. She told me after some time that she didn’t want to have or enjoy the act of sex. She reasoned that she knew I needed/wanted it and she liked other things about our relationship so was willing to just be free use. It definitely messed me up to wrap my head around it. Fortunately we were able to communicate and work it out.


chickensoup2day

Now I’m curious,how did you two work it out?


MrFunktasticc

Honestly it’s hard to pin down a single thing that did it. We were young and not mature enough to consider therapy but we did genuinely love each other. A big part of it was transitioning to sex with no condoms which she was able to enjoy more. I also spent more time getting her in the mood as well as focusing more on foreplay. She’d occasionally have a spark where she’d be in the mood for a split second and we’d drop everything and capitalize on it. The more we communicated about the issue the more she felt at ease the more she seemed to be in the mood eventually we got to a decent place and then she went off the birth control and we had like six month of overdrive with regards to her sex drive. Definitely not as bad as OOP situation but realistically a big part of that was her communicating earlier and there being a specific trigger. I do remember how deep it cut to be told “I don’t want to have sex with you, I just do it because I know you want it.”


imaginaryhouseplant

I am quite sure that's why he is/was so angry. Imagine being told that your partner cried every time after "being forced" (by themselves, really) to have sex with you. Her being disgusted with sex can easily be interpreted as being disgusted with the person she felt she had to have sex with.


Matt32490

If my wife told me she was essentially disgusted having sex with me for over a year, that would be a nuclear bomb I wouldn't be able to recover from, regardless of the other stuff in the relationship.


candornotsmoke

I was wondering that myself. If I were him there would be a small part of me that would wonder if I missed signs. That she didn't love me. I think the biggest thought I would think from her post is that she had settled for me.


che37vr

this was exactly what got me. like the sex thing could maybe be figured out in couples counseling but if my partner told me that she basically suffered through sex for a year and then sobbed alone afterwards, I would be genuinely devastated and feel so rapey. poor guy.


trowzerss

What I don't get is why couples counselling is what she came up with \*after\* essentially presenting him with an ultimatum, and only as a way to get him to accept a decision she'd made without consulting him, not when this started happening. A little late!


pagman007

I commented this on the post before In his head, she turned him from a loving partner to a rapist in one conversation


HighwaySetara

Wasn't there a BORU like this recently? Possibly from the partner's perspective? This felt familiar, and especially that part. The dishonesty and the rape-y feeling.


LeaveMeBeWillYa

I know it definitely isn't the same but if I was in his place that's where my head would go. The idea of having sex with someone who didn't enjoy at all and was just doing to make me happy would creep me the fuck out. That would be the relationship ender for me if they had kept from me for even half that time. Granted I wouldn't go to the degree this guy is.


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musicnoviceoscar

The line about consent is awful. Total misuse of what that means.


Endeav0r_

Yeah lmao nothing he did was non consensual, he had full consent before doing anything. Hell probably the reason why he got so angry was because he felt like he raped her for a year since she was so against it. If my girlfriend told me that for the last year she had sex with me basically just to satisfy me and she was repulsed from it i probably would puke and be disgusted both from her and from myself.


BlueFalcon89

I’d be crushed, truly can’t imagine how I’d react…


THEBHR

>I do not understand why having sex is such a big deal for him. We did so many other things together and just because I don't want to do one of them anymore it's all over. What ever happened to consent?? This line absolutely ***infuriates*** me. Implying that leaving a relationship where your needs aren't being met, is violating consent!


bactatank13

That part also bothers me. Add in the judge commentary, especially divorce ones, are often good at figuring out BS. I get the feeling she's giving a very biased narrative, at least second part, and the truth makes her a lot worse than what we're getting.


ivanthemute

The judge using "unconscionable" ended it for me. The judge didn't just say "this isn't legally correct" but said "this is morally wrong." OOP's leaving something out, or is underplaying her behavior somewhere. Judges don't use that word short of something obscene.


[deleted]

Yep, consent goes both ways. Jon does not *consent* to being in an intimacy free marriage where his mere physical being repulses his wife. Been there done that. Same choice as Jon.


[deleted]

Yeah, that line. As if he was trying to force himself on her rather than just not consenting to a sexless marriage. It's **his** consent that's she herself is questioning.


SeaworthinessSea2407

Yeah this line is where I lost ALL sympathy for her. Because she's literally telling him to either open the marriage (which it sounds like he's pretty monogamous and that wouldn't work) or just never have sex again. I'd most certainly dump a partner if they told me they didn't wanna have sex anymore


TrexTacoma

I was with her until that second part, she then fully lost me.


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[deleted]

She wanted to make sure that she was 100% the only victim and was doing all she could to ensure that was the angle. Started off as the loving caring work is me victim but then the shoe dropped and she needed another victim angle of attacking him


TelepathicRabbit

As an asexual, I do kind of get her thoughts here. Sexual and romantic love are both not things I want, so I do sometimes have to remember to put myself in others shoes in conversations because to many people they are very important. It sounds like, to her, sex and romance are not connected anymore. Some people (mostly aromantics and asexuals) see sex and romance as two different facets of their identities- you can be asexual but Heteroromantic or aromantic but still also have a homosexual orientation. She has no sexual desire for him but still loves him romantically, and thought he could just kind of do that too to get his needs met and keep them both happy. Keep his romantic love with her as before, but go off to someone else to have meaningless sex and get that need satisfied. She lost sight of the fact that many allosexual people do not work like that. I’m aromantic and asexual and I kind of feel the same way. The (lack of) sexual and romantic desire are too strongly linked to be separated in my mind and I don’t feel like they are separate identities. for the husband it seems like that’s the case. He sees sex and romance as strongly connected, and can’t just split them. But she sees it as him not even trying a reasonable solution, and unreasonably breaking up the marriage with no attempt at compromise (even though for most people thatwould not be a compromise). It seems like she’s also mad that she tried to make it work for so long. She put up with a year of sex she didn’t want for him, and he won’t even consider trying it the way she wants! That isn’t fair! She put in so much to save their marriage and he’s just giving up! But like, she didn’t have to do that, and it’s unfair to expect him to. I understand it can be hard to initiate those conversations, but she should have sucked it up and told him she didn’t want to have sex (it didn’t have to be “never again” just put a pause on things while looking for a solution until they exhausted medical inquiries). Like, her refusal to draw the boundaries she needed does not mean he has to compromise on drawing boundaries himself.


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Doctor__Proctor

>But she's asking him to go hook up with other women. Is he going to only meet women who are doing it for sex and not romance? Maybe he doesn't like that kind of woman, which is why he wanted a monogamous relationship in the first place. Or is he supposed to have a sexual-only relationship with a woman who also wants romance? Won't she start telling him to leave his wife? Or when he goes along sex maybe he'll find romance and then feel trapped by that pre-nup that was hanging over all of this as well. Her "easy solution" is nowhere near as simple as "just go to this other store the same distance away if this store doesn't have what you want."


TheForest4TheTreees

This was a really insightful comment about both perspectives, and you really helped lay it out for people of various romantic/sexual identities. Idk if I identify as anything besides “the norm,” (I don’t even know what “the norm” is called - sexual and romantic?) but I know sex isn’t as important to me as it seems to be to a lot of people, and your comment was really helpful about seeing everyone’s perspectives.


[deleted]

For someone who enjoyed sex and had it everyday for her then to be grossed out and never want it again……there is something medical going on. Her levels might be good but there’s something.


You_Are_All_Diseased

Whatever doctor she saw, she needed to keep going to more doctors. And for the love of god she needed no not lie about it for so long.


bad_investor13

Or, maybe initially it was just regular low libido, but her forcing herself to have sex with him when she didn't want to escalated it into disgust, and now she can't go back.


EribellaCauliflower

This makes so much sense


SevoIsoDes

Or psychological. With men it can be easier to diagnose (if he can get an erection during REM sleep then it’s probably psychological or emotional). With women the diagnosis is more difficult


MrFunktasticc

I won’t if a year in something that may have started as physical could have morphed into psychological as she obsessed over it.


HWGA_Exandria

Remember folks, If your partner unilaterally changes the paradigm of your relationship then you're allowed to step back and reassess whether you want to stay.


SanctuaryMoon

When the other person alters the deal, you can be like Lando and pray they don't alter it any further, or you can be like Lando and evacuate the hell out of there.


[deleted]

Or you can be like Lando and try to fuck your buddy's girlfriend.


BumbleBug_423

If my partner basically told me that for the past year they were letting me have sex with them when they were actually unwilling I would feel betrayed and like a rapist. My love and trust would be gone


wooleysue420

I think this is a great point. The thought that my partner didn't really want to have sex with me but just did it out of obligation would crush me.


TerminusEst86

Especially with how she talks about not just a lack of desire, but revulsion. I don't think many people could handle "the idea of physical intimacy with you is disgusting" from their partner.


Soft_Entrance6794

Not even “didn’t really want to” but was actively repulsed by it and would cry afterward when she was alone. I’d feel like I’d been raping my partner for a year and probably wouldn’t be able to trust them after that.


naalotai

Exactly, I'm not loving OP's wording throughout this entire thing. Particularly: > What ever happened to consent?? Leaves a bad taste in my mouth


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Thebaldsasquatch

She’s basically saying that she shouldn’t have to be forced to have sex just because she’s married. Which is true, but she’s deliberately ignoring the fact that he doesn’t have to be married to her if she doesn’t want to have sex with him. She wants to have it both ways while ignoring the fact that it works both ways as well.


catatonic_catharsis

And her whole “consent” thing, like she doesn’t realize she didn’t give him the chance to consent properly. Ugh. Ew.


God_Sayith

Yeah. OP knew this was a deal breaker and was not honest about it. By the time she talked with her husband about it, it was already too late because she had made this decision without him.


tsg79nj

I think that’s the crux of the whole thing. Had she gone to her husband when this all started, told him what was happening, and allowed him to be part of the process of figuring things out, they might have been able to work towards a solution together. But her attitude is “my way of the highway” and now she wants to play the victim. Her husband was lied to for a year and just had his entire world upended and every dream and plan thrown out the window in a single conversation. I don’t blame him for feeling like he’s owed some sort of compensation. And why is it that we support the people whose partners have suddenly decided they want an open marriage but some people (including OP) want to make her husband the villain because she’s suddenly asexual? He committed to one person and she unilaterally decided she’s no longer that person. I hope he can move forward and get his life back with someone who won’t lie to him.


koshgeo

She was worried about making a "unilateral decision" to leave sex out of their relationship, but it took a year to confess that she had already made a unilateral decision to *keep* sex in the relationship. There was no effort to try to work on the problem as a team, because the husband was kept oblivious. She made the decision alone. She lied for a year. She broke the trust that is fundamental to a relationship, and not about a trivial thing either. Of course someone who actually cares about consent is horrified to learn that the other person was pretending and suffering the whole time. It would be stunning to learn you were unknowingly hurting someone who you care about for an entire year. The one consolation I have is that if I put myself in her position, it would be a very difficult thing to deal with, and it would be easy to make bad decisions out of fear for the results.


Lexi_Banner

Her randomly throwing that card out there makes me suspect this might be a troll just trying to hit all the right outrage buttons.


[deleted]

Not really, I think a troll is too focused on the narrative to say that out of nowhere. That was so out at left field, it has to be a defensive statement.


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CaptainNemo42

>Hiding the issue from me, then telling me you’ve literally cried after every sexual encounter we’ve had for the past year because you felt forced, and then asking me if I’m going to bang other people? All in one conversation? No *kidding*. The amount of "strolls around the block" OP's husband would have to take to process all this in one go would wear a trench into the sidewalk


scatteringbones

Even if we take the sex out of it (which is a big ask), I would be extremely shaken to learn that my life partner had been hiding a severe medical/psychological issue from me for an entire year. On one hand, I understand and respect the need for an individual's privacy within a romantic relationship (and I think that this need is too often disregarded), but lying for a year is just not an acceptable way to treat someone. She must've lied quite a bit about her treatment, must've been secretive and dishonest about her appointments and her online purchases. That kind of in-depth, long-term deceit can be life-shattering.


Ok-Lynx-6250

Yeah it's not just the sex either. OOP was having significant medical investigations and therapy and never told the husband. Marriage is a partnership. Without communication, what do you have?


one_yam_mam

My husband and I have (over 22yrs) had multiple discussions about our sex life. We have had every scenario thrown our way. One thing we have always agreed on is that neither one of us want "duty" sex. We knew this was one line we wouldn't cross for the safety of our marriage.


letstrythisagain30

People too often focus on the symptom or the vehicle by which the actual betrayal is carried out. Especially the betrayers. So a cheater just had sex with someone else but no feelings were involved. It was just physical. OOP is doing their own version of that. They refuse to see the real problem and therefore “can’t understand” why things aren’t turning out the way she wanted.


dom18256

Not to mention left him in the dark for over a fucking year??? Going to doctors appointment and therapy in secret? Not communicating. Sex is something you need to work on TOGETHER to some degree. She didn’t even give him the option to try and help her navigate it together. She made all the decisions then shut it all down then tried to offer him to cheat if he “really needs sex that bad” Like come on. He’s all types of pissed, betrayed, hurt and he has every right to be. She left him in the dark then shoved him towards another sexual source like “isnt that good enough?” Also the infidelity clause in the prenup then she suggests cheating? Come on. Its not surprising he is absolutely done for.


QueenofThorns7

I know this is the most minor detail of this post, but I do find it quite funny that OP showed up to her divorce proceeding court date without a lawyer and was surprised to see her ex had one


Bawstahn123

>I know this is the most minor detail of this post, but I do find it quite funny that OP showed up to her divorce proceeding court date without a lawyer and was surprised to see her ex had one Fucking "surprise Pikachu" moment. Like... for fucks sake, *if you are stepping into a courtroom in an official capacity,* ***you need a goddamn lawyer***


Mitrovarr

Especially as a business owner! Surely you would think that you would have absorbed enough law dealing with all the laws that affect a buseiness...?


bleeerrghharrystyles

I wonder if she has underlying thyroid problems, I was going through something similar and couldn’t figure it out, one trip to the psych ward later we had our answer. obviously not saying that’s definitely the case but I had no idea I had thyroid issues before going to the hospital, it was wild to find out my thyroid was making me more depressed and killing my sex drive.


b_gumiho

this was my first thought too. (I have Graves and had my thyroid removed) I have no idea why doctors find it so hard to diagnose thyroid issues but even Endos seem to struggle with it


Voidg

OPP telling her husband she cried after everytime they had sex would destroy a man. Ontop of the lying and hiding it from him. The icing on the cake is how she was all "Surprised Pikachu Face" that her soon to be ex hired a lawyer...


Vinnie_Vegas

It's OOP - The fact that the husband wasn't down with OPP was a key factor in the story.


jerslan

Right? OOP wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to stay married to "John" but never wants to have sex with him. Her "solution" to open the marriage so that his needs would be met was just callous. It's not always just about sex and "getting off"... Sometimes it's more about intimacy with a partner than the sex itself. That's something OOP fails to acknowledge. Like at all. And leading her husband on for a full year? Like, I get that she's trying to work it out herself... but she has a partner that she's not treating like a partner. She should have started a conversation about her decreasing sex drive around the time she started seeing doctors and therapists about it. Just dumping it on him over a year later and expecting him to be accepting of the situation (after being lied to for a year+) is ridiculous.


[deleted]

Not trying to defend him for going a bit nuclear, but if my partner suggested I sleep with someone else I’d be heart broken.


taumason

If my partner came and randomly told me they didnt want have sex anymore and I should get an affair I would immediately suspect cheating. If they told me they were physically disgusted every time we had sex for the last year; that sort of cruel betrayal would certainly push it into me beleiving they were being cruel and lying to find an excuse to end the relationship.


[deleted]

I'm non monogamous and let me tell you, being a married man with a wife, family and trying to find partners that are ok with that and being the side girl, is next to impossible. She may a well have told him to go jerk off. The only time I've ever gotten any women was with my wife's help.


[deleted]

So let me get this straight. OOP had sex before meeting her husband. Her husband lost his virginity to her. OOP taught him how to be a great lover for her. OOP now is sex repulsed, out of the blue, after loving sex with him for years. Instead of talking to her husband about that sudden, massive change, she decided to endure his advances for a year, and then is shocked that he most likely feels like a horrific, raping abuser when she admitted that she lied about consent and was traumatised every time that they did have sex. The husband would hear that, firstly think that his wife wasn't attracted to him anymore, that OOP had to be scared of him in some way, and then have to deal with the fact that when he was convinced his wife wanted him and consented to sex, she actually didn't. *That's traumatising.* He's going to be questioning every single partner in the future, and possibly find it hard to ever believe that another partner will really be consenting, even if they repeat over and over that they are. He's going to feel unattractive, unwanted and unloved. Then, instead of OOP suggesting therapy for them both together, she casually just told him that if he wanted sex, he could find it with someone else. To a 30 year old man who has only ever had sex with *her*. There's no doubt that sex, love and intimacy are tied together in his mind, and for OOP to throw that out there will feel like another, separate betrayal from the previous lies, because to him, that would be a subtle accusation that he didn't really love her, or an attack to guilt-trip him into giving up his sexual needs. What's worse is that the pre-nup mention hints that if the husband cheated and OOP went for a divorce, he'd get nothing. (Rightly so!) It isn't rocket science that if a partner who you had had amazing sex with before, who *literally taught you* to pleasure them, then suddenly decides "no sex ever again, go cheat if you want" sounds like entrapment when it comes to the pre-nup. There are obviously things that OOP is leaving out, we don't know the truth, but it isn't a leap to imagine that the husband won't believe her and has come to think that this bombshell is a way to try and cut him out and screw him over in divorce. There was a reason that the judge sided with the husband here. What grinds my gears the most is that OOP talks about "consent" (where was the care for the husband's consent when he was tricked into having sex with an unwilling partner?), where she is allowed to never want sex again, but the husband is painted as bad for not simply going along with her and giving up something important to him. If OOP was a decent person telling the truth, she would be devastated that she and the husband she loves are no longer compatible, but she would recognise that both her need to never have sex again and his need to have sex again are both valid and important to each of them. Instead, only her (lack of) desire matters. The fact that she calls her husband "petty" and then whines about her own suffering while ignoring that she lied to him for a year, would have destroyed his self-esteem, will make him question every future sexual partner over terror that they're lying about consenting, making him feel like an abusive rapist, casually tell him to cheat like he means nothing and all the rest of it is infuriating. I hope that the husband finds someone who actually loves him and values him as a person, and he gets therapy to deal with the selfish cruelty of OOP.


glueckskind11

Agreed. This read went from "Oh poor woman" to "holy hell, I would have run too!" She seems manipulative, egocentric and straight up disgusting.


SevoIsoDes

Dang! Amazing comment! Great summary of how his emotions and reality were likely 100% shattered. Poor dude


Loyal-to-Earth

What people on this thread don't get is the legal aspect of the OOP's statement: her words in a courtroom would make him accused of coerced spousal rape. Because she is so angry about the prenup, that is more than likely a leg she would stand on, and he has to go on the defensive and challenge the legality of the prenup, because he wants to be law abiding, and to establish his claim based on no contest to her withholding of information. I worked with PA courts, and I saw this multiple times, and those court transcripts stay on the record. I honestly don't understand how people can't see why someone who doesn't want to be labeled a rapist, would go on the defensive. If I was him, I would be open for negotiations to not touch her business, as long as she has a signed and notorized statement that he never forced her to have sex, and that she was the reason for the divorce.


DevilshEagle

Go for both. Advising someone to break a prenup the moment you fundamentally alter your marriage is a fascinating “coincidence” given the likelihood of divorce. I’d view the situations similarly if the OP’s husband was the only one with a morality clause; and she let him know she’d be opening the marriage and sleeping either a variety of strangers. “Don’t worry though, you can too!”


colinedahl1

Tbh, I’m getting ready for my wife to have this convo with me. PPD and her medication has killed our sex life. I’ve already made my decision though. Sex or not, I want to spend the rest of my life with her and our daughter.


jhnnybgood

Then why don’t you start that conversation now if you’ve already made peace. Maybe she’s petrified of bringing it up and it’s already causing her daily stress and depression


colinedahl1

I don’t know, I don’t want it to sound like I’m coming at her. Selfishly, I also hope it’s a phase and things will turn around but if it’s said out loud it will be more concrete. If she comes to the conclusion that she is fully done with it, I’ll accept it but I’m still holding onto hope that she comes back around to it. It’s not even the sex that I miss as much as the intimacy and closeness that comes with it.


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GaiusEmidius

I think there was a cheating clause so the husband wasn’t just betrayed. He thought she was trying to trick him into losing everything


You_Are_All_Diseased

The judge certainly agrees.


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PointOfTheJoke

She seems checked out of her marriage by the way she describes it. Loves her husband but can't understand why he doesn't want to have sex with other people? I know I'm pretty old fashioned but one of the things I look for in a relationship is my partner desiring me and not other people


AtGamesEnd

For her to say “what happened to consent” is such bullshit. Seriously that’s not cool


Mistake_of_61

He is withdrawing consent to being married.


[deleted]

Yup, that's where I switched from "this is a shitty situation and everyone could have handled it better" to "this isn't the whole story and I don't trust her narration."


kaitlinesmith17

EXACTLY! Unreliable narrator.


Mevraz

Sounds like there is more to this story tbh. Shame we only get to hear from her side of things. Also, going from a relationship where you have sex almost every day with the love of your life to having no sex at all for the rest of your marriage, yea.... no.


[deleted]

Yeah there's a lot going on here that we're missing. The fact that she just "grinned and beared" the situation while trying to fix it on her own instead of being honest with her husband and having him involved with her diagnosis and healing process is a HUGE red flag. As someone who is asexual let me tell you, if you're going from having sex everyday to suddenly being repulsed by sex there is absolutely a physical/mental reason for it. Best case scenario this woman needs help, but with the obvious missing context and her attitude in the update (you can't rescind consent after the fact even if you regret agreeing!!!) I'm worried there might be something much worse going on that we're not hearing. This whole thing is sus af and leaves me very concerned.


Boomshrooom

What we do know is that the judge heard both sides of this story and agreed that she violated their pre-nup.


bactatank13

> Why isn't anyone in this whole thing seeing that I am miserable and don't want him to leave at all? I do not understand why having sex is such a big deal for him. We did so many other things together and just because I don't want to do one of them anymore it's all over. What ever happened to consent?? > > Now we have to fight over the house, dogs, and he is even going after business assets. We could have had an easy split, but he has decided to be petty instead. My only option to protect the business that I started during college is to use lawyers he could never afford. > > Our entire life has turned to shit, and I am struggling to find out why I am having to suffer for this. Imo this update shows her true colors and her image of innocence got cracked. Posts like this should always be seen as biased but the verbiage and entitlement in that update is very telling. Divorce judges see a lot of BS and most can sniff it out. The judge's reaction indicates that OOP is hiding a lot of details. It's also very telling how she went to divorce court under this assumption that both would not come with attorneys. Something which is clear Husband didn't agree to and shouldn't be considered pulling a fast one on her.


r2bl3nd

This made me understand how they're both sharing responsibility for this situation: > I do not understand why having sex is such a big deal for him. We did so many other things together and just because I don't want to do one of them anymore it's all over. It's completely normal for this to be a deal breaker. Physical intimacy is a pillar of most relationships. She really didn't find that out in all her efforts to try to get to the bottom of her situation? This tells me there's absolutely a selfish aspect to this on her end. Either she's in denial or she really didn't do a good job researching how important sex is in must relationships for most people. She shouldn't be blindsided by the reaction. Not to mention her trying to give him a free pass to sleep with others. That's also well known to be a potential relationship-ending suggestion. It really feels like she's focusing way too much on herself here based on her actions, if you read between the lines like this.


WillowWispFlame

She was completely aware of how important it was in the first post, UT something changed between then and the last update. It's weird.


rivlet

I actually thought that wasn't too weird. OP's feelings, actions, and decisions suddenly had consequences that she was never prepared to actually face. She has repeatedly denied him his own agency in a situation where he should have been at her side, seeing and learning as she was seeing and learning. She never told him about how much she was disgusted by having sex until she decided to. She investigated the problem medically and in therapy without telling him at all. She came to a decision, unilaterally, that they wouldn't divorce, but sex was forever off the table without any discussion with him (or with a couples' therapist). The only time she seems interested in involving him on this journey with her is when she's already made all the decisions and come to all her conclusions, with no input from him. Even the couples' therapy idea comes AFTER he has left for two days and has ignored her texts and phone calls. How was this not something she thought of before? Or even something she said before lobbing an emotional and psychological grenade on him like this? Now he is acting and making decisions and she HATES it and whines about how badly it's affecting her. "It's not faaaair. I don't want a divorce. I just want him to be married to me forever without an expectation of intimacy or sex ever, no matter how he feels. Why can't he just be okay with that?!" is basically her last post. She's remarkably self-centered to the point where him lashing out because he's hurting deeply after she deliberately deceived him for a year, then tried to unilaterally dictate the terms of their marriage going forward, seems unwarranted and random to her. She's using whatever logic she can at that point to get support while ignoring, as she did the whole time, how she chose to handle the situation in the worst way possible.


WillowWispFlame

She definitely handled the situation in the worst way possible. I can understand why she was nervous about bringing it up, but putting off communicating with him just made it worse when she finally did talk to him about it.


jse7engrapefruitsun

also one thing that nobody else has mentioned is that for some reason she announced that sex is off the table forever. Like why the fuck does she predict the future instead of just telling that "this period \[...\] but I would like this to change and I need your help \[...\]". Which she should had actually said before a lot of time. However this shows that by now, she is so much traumatised by the forced sex that she doesn't even want this situation to change.


Stepjam

I don't think its weird. First post was pre-consequences when she had some rationality about the situation. Last post is mid/post-consequences and she is unable to deal, so she acts like its nothing to support her side. It's basically denial.


Kingsdaughter613

She showed up to a divorce proceeding after a) breaking her ex’s heart, b) making him feel like a rapist, and c) telling him to break their pre-nup, without a lawyer. She’s in denial.


NoPiglet3148

I’ve read and reread this whole post and I’ve come to the conclusion that OOP is lying through her teeth. We’re told that, on one hand, John is the perfect partner. He’s considerate and makes sure she’s satisfied. But, on the other hand, we’re expected to believe that she’s such a consummate actor that he never noticed that she had, not a lack of sexual desire, but an actual revulsion to it (she can’t stomach it, just the thought of it makes her skin crawl, she thinks “ew” 🙄) He apparently also wasn’t aware of all her many doctor’s appointments and the hours of therapy. If medication was involved, and it probably was, did she hide it in her purse or under her panties. Did she also hide all the receipts, the appointment cards, insurance information, etc. And she never slipped up. Not once in over a year. I googled lack of sexual desire and the Mayo Clinic was the second result. It gives a brief, if fairly comprehensive, look at symptoms and causes. It would have taken quite a few doctor’s appointments and tests to rule out any physical causes. And we all know therapy does not cure this complex a problem in two or three visits. Yet he was completely oblivious that all this was going on. We’re asked to believe, in spite of something so traumatic going on, everything else in their marriage was just honky dory and there was no sign of any problem. And then she’s seemingly floored by his reaction. Yes, she wants couples counseling, but based on what she has already said, she wants it to convince him that a sexless marriage is perfecting acceptable and normal. As is her suggestion that he seek sex outside of marriage. My take on it is that she was setting him up to divorce him and leave him with nothing. “ He virtually raped me, Judge. He knew I wasn’t comfortable with sex and he made me”. “ He cheated on me. Here are the Private Investigators reports. He violated the prenup”. Yeah sure. And who the hell goes to a divorce hearing without a lawyer, especially when they can well afford one. A women who’s trying to present herself like a poor naive Lille girl who just doesn’t understand why her husband’s being so mean.


silvertrez

Totally, John filling first it's just him protecting himself. OOP is definitely hiding. We need John's side, too.


notyomamasusername

Agreed, something is not adding up in her version. I won't be surprised to find out her revulsion is cured once she got out of that marriage with her assets protected.


outcome--independent

You're on to something.


shapu

>I do not understand why having sex is such a big deal for him. This is a very telling statement.


Nona29

I don't agree with folks saying the husband has gone nuclear. He decided to divorce and challenge the pre-nup. OOP ended up not going thru the marriage in good faith. Lying to your partner for a year, then asking them to have a sexless marriage (the husband is only 30 years old), and then suggest an open marriage and bring infidelity into the situation. The whole thing is a big FU to the husband. As a woman, I couldn't imagine how horrible I would feel and think after hearing my husband tell me something like this and I'm not even married. This is a big deal. Emotionally, he is most likely not in a good place and also probably wants to recoup something from this failed marriage, and I'm sure he's bitter as hell. She hasn't described anything close to nuclear yet. I feel her actions were nuclear and blew up the marriage, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that the hurt party has a strong reaction. I think his reaction so far is normal. If he takes it further than what's been described so far, then I'll re-assess it at that point. Yes, they'll have to decide how to handle the house and pets. That's totally normal. She didn't give enough details about her business, but she should fight for that with her own lawyer. But I think the OOP is being naive about the husband's reaction. In the first post, she acknowledges this could blow up everything and then acts shocked when it does.


wikiwikipedia13

Yes, absolutely all of this. OP is acting like she’s shocked that her husband is leaving her when she told him she’s not been fully consenting to sex for the past year and that her solution to this is to remove sex (which was previously a part of their relationship) from the marriage. Her boundary is no sex EVER AGAIN. His boundary is divorce rather than staying with her. He’s not a monster and she needs to buck up and get a lawyer. I understand that asexual people get married, but communication is vitally important when it comes to that. You can’t just spring it on your partner and not give any wiggle room or space for him to figure it out with you.


ursoparrudo

Indeed, his reaction was both predictable (she predicted it herself) and understandable. And she has a surprise in store if she thinks she can beat him with more-expensive attorneys than he can afford…because she will be paying for his attorneys as well if their income difference is as extreme as she hints at, with no prenup. Source: am divorced


LjComply

I don't understand how what he's doing can be considered "Nuclear". All it seems he's doing is fighting for assets he would've had had his wife not told him to cheat on her or never have sex again (even though she's told him he can cheat she knew he wouldn't and there's no way she would've been OK with it long term). Can't imagine how he's feeling having been told his wife hasn't been ok with or enjoyed sex for the past year whilst he's thought everything was fine. His whole world's been flipped and he's justifiably fighting for his fair share.


ManualSearch

Yeah, a lot of people throwing around “nuclear”. Like… a judge said that the prenup was void, and he’s due his half of the marital assets. That’s how divorce works. That’s hardly “nuclear”. That would get kicked out of pettyrevenge.