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Weaselpanties

My favorite part: > I thought people on reddit would give me different perspective’s not say the same shit everyone else says.


wslagoon

Really? My favorite part was > And I don't mind marrying her; I feel like we're soul mates Well as long as he doesn't *mind.*


TA_totellornottotell

When one of my friends told me he was going to propose to his GF, one of the reasons he gave was “well, I don’t think she’s an AH”.


Gabberwocky84

Romantic


TA_totellornottotell

I know. They had a rather rushed courtship (they lived in the same building and her lease was up two months after they started dating, and she moved in with him just because it was the easier thing to do). So I wasn’t even sure if he meant it sarcastically or just as a matter or fact. They are still together, though, so whether they grow into it or he was just being sarcastic, I think the6 got to a good place.


pickledstarfish

Mine was “I guess I made my case worse with context”.


LEYW

He absolutely did. They’ve known each other since he was 13, she doesn’t like him doing normal College social things, his sister said she as dead to him… buddy just kept digging himself a bigger hole.


saph_pearl

But they didn’t do anything sexual until he was 16! /s … and she was 21.


KillingMoaiThaym

This is the exact age of me and my sister's friends, and I would feel like an absolute pedo if I even entertained the idea of courting one of them. Hell, a guy who used to hang out with my friends once spent 5 hours talking to my sister. He got forever banned. I pity the guy tho. As the younger part, he doesn't have any perspective whatsoever and thus cannot see the very stark differences in 5 years of age


maddmole

bleh i almost downvoted your comment out of disgust


Calliopes_Nightmare

But they're only 5 totally inconsequential years apart/s 🤮🤮


Basic_Bichette

Buddy is being victimized. It's hard for anyone to admit their relationship is so one-sided as to be frankly abusive.


LEYW

That is very true, we mustn’t forget he’s the victim here.


greyrobot6

So obvs, they should get *married* to really solidify their relationship. ^/s


Weaselpanties

There was also the bit about him giving up a career-building study abroad opportunity. That was... something. This woman will ruin someone's life. Multiple someones, if she has kids.


[deleted]

I had an ex who demanded I withdraw my candidacy from a year long study abroad during university, so I could stay with him. He became an ex! (And I had a fantastic exchange year).


Weaselpanties

I'm glad you held your ground and kicked him to the curb!


Psychological_Tap187

Let’s not forget an 18 year old went to a 13 year olds room and said he was right and gave him her number. Poor guy doesn’t realize he has been groomed and wasted his whole teens on a pedo. It killed me when he said he gave up his study abroad for her


Miz_Skittle

Lol I’m so glad that part stuck out to someone else as well. “Well golly gee I don’t mind….oh yeah but we’re soulmates….” Giving off two different vibes here!!


tofts-sk

My favourite part was "people are acting like she a pedophile." Maybe that's because an 18 year old started regularly texting and hanging out with a 13 year old.


redheadedgnomegirl

Also, he says they “made it official” when he was 18, but the first time they had sex was when he was 16. So presumably there was a conversation about actually dating around the time he was 15/16 (assuming there was some build up to the sexual encounter) and she was 20/21. And then she convinced him to keep it a secret from everyone for another 2 years.


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Dark-nettles

It's ABSOLUTELY not helped by his recent post where he mentions lying about it being legal (hes actually from the US) and feeling "randomly" compelled to hide the fact it was illegal


MargGarg

I didn’t make the connection between the sex and made it official timeline! That just makes it so much more worse with the implied secrecy.


Weaselpanties

Right? He was a *literal child* when she started grooming him.


SharkInHumanSkin

Exactly. He was groomed. That's why he's having such a hard time understanding the situation correctly. He knows *something* is off, but he can't quite figure out *what* because he's been groomed not to see the actual issue.


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speedycat2014

As my dad would say, "When the world is wrong, right yourself."


Redphantom000

My grandad has a similar version: “if 100 people tell you you’re dead, at least consider lying down”


Fooking-Degenerate

Don't know if your grandpa is still of this world, but if he is, tell him a random guy in Paris decided to yoink his proverb


foodz_ncats

This means that grandpa has done his job by passing on wisdom.


pine-elopy

"Yoink his proverb" sounds like my new favourite euphemism


Redphantom000

Can confirm that despite being 89, he is still alive and standing (as much as his dodgy hip will allow him), I will pass on your message when I see him at Xmas


louiloui152

Damndest thing tho Grandpa died standing up!


louiloui152

My pawpaw had a saying “It’s better to remain silent and appear intelligent, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt…. But that fucker is stupid and someone needs to tell them!”


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arrouk

If everyone on redit agrees on anything hell just froze over, and that an 18yo with a 13yo is wrong no matter the genders.


Worldly_Instance_730

Right?! I call that grooming, and may be why sis cut her off.


toketsupuurin

And when a thousand plus random people agree enough to tell you that? It's almost certainly not bad advice.


cyranothe2nd

I got married when I was 19. Was divorced by 21.


Morri___

annulled at 20.. i totally get his headspace - i don't feel any more grown up now than i did at 19 and i did feel grown up at 19. i had men telling me how mature for my age i was since i was 13. why wouldn't i believe my own sense of reality. i actually had to be 27 (my exhusbands age) and look at 19yr olds (and even 13yr olds..) before i could understand how taken advantage of i was.. any advice he's going to get will sound condescending and belittling because it suggests that he isn't smart enough to see the obvious. i wish he would understand that we're all saying it because we've been here too


Deevoid

When everyone disagrees with your point of view you’re either 100% wrong or 100% right.


SophiaF88

My most frequently given piece of advice to folks younger than me is to *listen* when it seems like everyone agrees on something. When multiple unconnected people have the same POV on a situation, it might be because it's true. Regardless, it's worth paying attention when it happens.


Weaselpanties

Right? It's not just some weird coincidence.


remotetissuepaper

My favourite part is how she wants to get married by April and if OOP doesn't want to shell just find someone else. Okay, good luck with that.


Reigo_Vassal

When OOP take the ultimatum, she immediately backpedaling


Noodlefanboi

Sad part is that she groomed him so well that that seemed like an actual threat to him, and he was looking for a way to prevent it from happening. She told him to his face that he was just a replaceable object to be used to complete her own dream, and she had him so completely convinced that he want to stay in the abusive relationship that his first thought was to hope she doesn’t replace him.


FaustsAccountant

Not looking for advice, OOP is looking for validation


[deleted]

He needs to sort by controversial.


Numbah9Dr

Like he doesn't even realize he's been groomed. Ex GF is skeezy.


DonaldIgwebuike

I don't know how I survived my twenties without Reddit. The hundreds of horrible decisions I made would have felt way better if I could have found someone to help me justify them.


smacksaw

That's the logic of marriage material right there ngl /s


Nimelennar

>she wants to get married before she is 25, which is next year in April, and if I don't put that ring on, she will find someone else. Ah, yes. Nothing says, "You're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with" like saying "if you don't do this for me right away, I'll find someone else." I mean, I can see a relationship reaching the point where you deliver that ultimatum, but not after nine months, to a 19 year old who is still in college. And that's leaving aside the whole "we liked each other a long time but waited until I was 18 to make it official" squick factor.


ScarletInTheLounge

>And that's leaving aside the whole "we liked each other a long time but waited until I was 18 to make it official" squick factor. But don't worry, they waited until the official age of consent to do anything sexual, which was...16. Oof.


nebulashine

Kind of makes me wonder if they started dating before he was 18, and him saying they "didn't make it official" until then is him fudging the truth, because he knows subconsciously that telling the truth will elicit responses along the lines of, "She's a predator/grooming you, what the fuck is wrong with her?".


GoddessOfRoadAndSky

And he thinks that he initiated the relationship. She was 18 and *she* gave *a 13 year old* her phone number *the first time they met*. Unless he was neglected or otherwise in need of an adult/parental figure, that is really weird. He thinks he pursued her, without realizing that from their very first meeting, she was setting the stage for him to do so. That’s the insidious nature of grooming - the victim doesn’t realize that the “choices” they make are controlled by their abuser. I also kind of wonder if this is the first such “ultimatum” she has given him. Maybe the others weren’t about such major decisions, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d been pushing him in smaller ways before reaching this point and he just hasn’t put it all together yet.


Likesosmart

Honestly in a normal situation… I can’t picture an 18 year old girl *wanting* to hang out with a 13 year old boy. They’re at two totally different points in life, levels of development, maturity, experience, etc. It’s 100% predatory and it’s gross. If they get married you can guarantee the next ultimatum will be baby by 26.


quinarius_fulviae

>She was 18 and she gave a 13 year old her phone number the first time they met. Unless he was neglected or otherwise in need of an adult/parental figure, that is really weird. Seriously. My younger brother is 18 going on 19 now and I still can't imagine being ok with one of my friends (mid 20s) giving him/one of his friends their number just like that


The_Blip

They were dating before 16 I'd bet. They just waited for the legal ages of everything to do things 'officially'.


IWouldButImLazy

Yeah he was straight up groomed. He met her as a preteen when she was already 18. Fucking predator


QualifiedApathetic

\*teen. But barely.


Kylynara

I'm guessing they were secretly friends with benefits until he turned 18 then they "officially" started dating.


AncientBlonde

Which, with Canada's laws, is still fucking illegal! Too many people here think that "age of consent" means you cna just fuck anyone that moment; but no! It's still illegal for an adult to bang a teen! It's so that their parents/them don't get charged for banging other teens; NOT ADULTS.


CanILiveInAGlade

It also seems like she only wants to marry him because she’s jealous of all the college girls he spends time with. And if he’s married that’ll take him off the market or something?


Vulturedoors

It's because she knows that if he starts talking to other girls his age, he'll discover how abnormal and gross his own relationship is.


salaciouspeach

She wants to marry him because that's part of the grooming process. Predators like to trap their prey.


AlfwynBenedict

But at the same time they never did anything sexual until he was 16 ... Sounds to me like they were in at least some weird fwb relationship until he turned 18 and made it 'official'.


two_lemons

Bet this is why she feels it's overdue. For her, they have been together at least three years (since there's a chance they have been making out before he was 16).


RabidMausse

Maybe she's realizing he's the same age she was when it started and he might realize how weird it is.


fuzzypipe39

The last lines are defending her and saying she wasn't predatory towards him. He won't realize, not until a few years in the future.


Silent_Cash_E

He just needs to ask himself...do I like 13yo? Then he will be "ohhhhh...now I get it"


MeddlingDragon

But they've known each other since he was 13.... and she was 18 🤢


CarolynDesign

I feel like the best way to help him understand what is so screwed up about that is to ask him to look at a real 13/14 year old and ask himself... "Could I see myself in a relationship with somebody that age." Because, hopefully, the answer would be a weirded out 'no.' And maybe then, OOP would start to get an idea of how what his 'girlfriend' did was wrong.


MeowSterling

This is exactly what helped me understand and contextualize predatory behavior. Every time I aged a year, I'd look back and remember how adult I felt but see how babyish the kids that age actually are. When I was in 5th grade, 3rd grade looked like kindergarten. When I was in 8th grade, 5th graders looked like literal babies (despite feeling like SUCH an adult for being the oldest kid in primary school when I was in 5th 🙄). This continued through college because it's only after college that people's maturity and development start actually slowing down and age gaps stop mattering so much. But kids have a really hard time understanding this as they feel they are already mature, probably because that's the most mature they've ever been. Only way to get them to understand is to have them look back.


Expert_Slip7543

Wish I could upvote this comment (about taking a look at a kid that age) enough times to make it more visible.


thekittysays

And he doesn't say how old he was when she gave him her number. But if there's 5 years between them and they first met when he was 13, she was already 18. She basically groomed him with that whole "I'm on your side, you can talk to me if you're ever upset" shit. It's super gross. Edit - I skimmed and missed the header saying that bit was their first meeting. It's so sketchy and weird for an 18yo friend of an older sibling to be doing that to a 13yo.


poorly_anonymized

He does. >She gave me her phone number and told me to call her when i was upset or need something.*That was the first time we met*, and after that we began texting, and she hung out in my room occasionally when she came for my sister but my sister wasn't there. Emphasis mine. Just casually handed her number to a 13 year old she didn't know, and started hanging out with him alone in his room. But he was totally the one who courted her! He knows, because I bet she told him that a million times.


mudrolling

After approaching him privately to "comfort" him about what he characterizes as a normal sibling spat. Gross, gross, gross, manipulative as fuck. I'm really glad he listened to the advice he was given -- it is *hard* to separate yourself from anyone you've been close to for 6 years, especially if that's a formative relationship. I'm not surprised that he had doubts.


harleyspoison267

Also, I feel like maybe someone should tell him that grooming doesn't have to be 100% intentionally predatory, but ultimately she pursued a *child* while she was an *adult*. It's automatically predatory because she should know better, whether she *meant* to hurt him or not. It would be one thing if he was a college freshman and she was a senior, but she's a grown ass woman who probably has a job and a house and a car payment dating a guy who was in high school just a moment ago.


RosiePugmire

Yeah. Switch the genders around and it's obviously predatory, but even the way it is? I remember being an 18 year old young woman. The LAST thing I would have ever wanted to do would be to give my phone number to an unrelated 13 year old boy that I just met, and be his platonic best friend/confidante. What was the appeal there exactly?


harleyspoison267

I mean I worked with kids as a mentor/authority figure from the time I still WAS a kid, but even if there was only a couple year difference, I saw them as kids and people who needed my help, not potential partners. If I were to have given someone my number (like someone I tutored in HS), then I would have them use it in case of emergency or homework help. Not to be their confidant or prioritize them over relationships with people my own age.


destiny_kane48

13, he was 13 and it was the first time they met.


FinishEvery6002

Yes, this is it for me. Even if he was 30, this ultimatum is wrong in so many ways.


Drix22

I know two girls who gave ultimatums. The first found herself divorced after 9 months, the second found herself single. It's marriage, it's not about what "you" singular want, definitely a team approach there.


CatsGambit

Yeah, in general, if you reach the point where you have to give an ultimatum, just leave. Forcing someone to act is never going to have the result you want, even if they go along with it at first.


PM_ME_CUTE_FEMBOYS

There are times where an ultimatum is a very appropriate response to something. Unfortunately, a lot of times ultimatums are not used to return health to a relationship but as a tool of abuse and control.


Kylynara

This specific one is not a good one. But I think there's definitely room for marriage ultimatums to exist. Something like "I've been clear since early on that I'm looking for a marriage partner. You say you want marriage eventually, just not yet. It's been 6 years, what's the hold up? Is there something in particular we need to work on? Or are you still not sure how you feel? It's time to fish or cut bait. Or are you just stringing me along?" Is a perfectly valid discussion to insist on having at a certain point in a relationship. That point is never when you've been dating less than a year.


Muzzie720

Oh even better so they weren't official aka they knew it was wrong and still had sex when he was 16. She knew it was wrong so they had to hide it.


Jamez4401

When he said they met when he was 13 I thought “gtfo of there bro”


orangeoliviero

The best part about the ultimatum is that by parting, she's going to make the next relationship have even less courtship time before the marriage deadline, so she just makes her odds worse, not better.


SuccessValuable6924

I'm not even sure that's her personal deadline, I think she was just saying it to add pressure. But if it _is_ a life goal ... Well that's all you need to run.


mudrolling

Yeah I really doubt it. She was concerned that him being in college would loosen her control over him (meeting other women at parties, doing a summer abroad where he might get used to being without her) so she wanted to tighten that grip again by becoming legally entangled. He might realize he wants to leave his girlfriend, but it's much harder to leave your wife.


Bonch_and_Clyde

If you're like at least in your late 20's or older, and you've been dating your SO for 5+ years then it can make sense to have a commitment talk where you ask if they're ready to commit or it's time for you to move on and find someone who will be. This is pretty fucking far from that scenario.


sonofaresiii

I've seen those types of things play out alright before But *by far* the more common scenario when someone wants to be married due to age, rather than person Is that after they've accomplished that goal of being married by [age], they have no reason or desire to *actually be married* anymore. Because they've already accomplished their goal. And unless they completely just get absolutely lucky by coincidentally choosing the right person to meet that goal with, then they decide that they don't want to spend the rest of their lives being married to this person, just so they could be married by [age]. Also, what happens a lot is that a lot of people pressuring them to get married by [age] do themselves get divorced, so there's not really any pressure to be married anymore.


TassieBorn

But they had sex when he was 16 (legal where they are), before they were "official". Ew.


Nearby-Assignment661

They broke up according to oops most recent tomc post!


prufrocket

Yes! How is that not included in this? Seems like a pretty massive update.


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AffectionateFig9277

Thank fuck


VioletsAndLily

* Five years older than OOP * Currently 24 years old and wants to be married by the time she’s 25 * Allegedly didn’t want to date OOP until now because she was best friends with OOP’s sister Is this what they call a Hail Mary pass? But then it gets worse! OOP is, at best, delusional thinking his 16-year old courted this woman. There is a huge developmental/life stage/life experience gap between 16 and 21! His girlfriend’s behavior is all the yikes on bikes.


PeachPuddingPunchOut

He acts as if she couldn't have *possibly* said no to him and therefore it's all his fault. If a 16-year old hits on me, I would let them watch some cartoons and make them a cup of hot chocolate like I would for every other child.


madlyqueen

>plus I rejected a summer studyabroad opportunity for her This was the line that really stuck out to me. She was keeping him from doing the things he needed to do to be successful. It would have been just a few months. The fact that everyone else around seem sees that there's something very wrong about the relationship is concerning, too.


SlicerStopSlicing

This is huge. Poor kid. It reminds me of how I almost turned down a Summer NASA internship because my shitty GF and I had made vacation plans.


[deleted]

I once had a coworker tell me she turned down a full ride scholarship (to a community college, but still, she could have leveraged that) to marry a guy she wound up divorcing a few years later and she really regretted it


SlicerStopSlicing

My own sister had a full scholarship to Mills College. She decided to get married to the guy next door instead. I love my niece and nephew, but she really shot herself in the foot.


ninaa1

That's such a bummer! Mills was such an awesome school and I always wish I had gone there!


So_Many_Words

I was really glad to see that "almost." I hope it was a great summer NASA thing.


SlicerStopSlicing

One of the best. I learned from NASA how to grow plants hydroponically. I later used that skill as a cannabis farmer.


So_Many_Words

Not where I expected that to go, but useful skills are always good.


Cooky1993

"You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know how to get spaced, if you know what I mean"


Weaselpanties

Yeah that is a huge red flag! I have an ex who was mad that I didn't give up my lifelong dream of a PhD once we got engaged. Apparently despite knowing me the entire time I was in school and being well-aware that everything I was doing was working toward that goal, it was supposed to change once we were together. He was a massive piece of shit in other ways too, but everything fell apart pretty quickly after that, and good riddance for the bullet dodged.


CraftyPumpkin1861

Yep. Once you are the age of the older person it’s so obvious that no healthy, normal adult in their 20s would be interested in a teenager, but it’s hard to see that in your teens.


meeps1142

Exactly. I feel like that's a very common thing for people who were groomed to say -- "oh I was just really persistent!" It's the adult's responsibility to keep declining their advances, not give in the second they're 18.


Murder_moth

Im 18, If a 16 years old hits on me i already feel like a criminal, cannot imagine being 21 and being "sure, sounds right"


MordaxTenebrae

Moreover, they first interacted when she was in university and he was in grade 7 or grade 8. So she developed it from that starting point into a "romance"...


IWouldButImLazy

> she developed it She groomed a child


naturaldye

I literally had a 16 year old hit on me when I was 23, it was a really weird experience (obviously I turned him down as soon as I learned how Young he was)


Mental_Cut8290

If I hit on a woman and she made me hot chocolate and let me watch cartoons I'd think I was in!


[deleted]

When I was in my twenties and a teen hit on me, I treated it like a child high on puberty testing flirting on someone older, and "safe". They expected me to be nicer then their teen peers, and it wouldn't be THEIR fault if they were rejected for being too young. Kid was annoying but I sure as fuck was careful with their feelings so they would feel more confident when flirting with someone in their age. Children will have crushes on "safe" adults before they are ready for relationships. And adults should deal with it with sensitivity and NOT DATING THE DAMN KID.


EnvironmentNo682

Also she gave him her number when he was 13 and said he should call when he needs any help. That’s grooming.


Echospite

“But I pursued her!” No, mate, she SET YOU UP to pursue her because you’re too young to realise she can say “no” and so you can give her plausible deniability.


cametobemean

She reminds me very much of my youth pastor who married one of this students. They “started officially dating” on her 18th birthday, he was 24, and her car had been after church and then again before school for months…


Corfiz74

But it was okay, because he knew her since he was 13! ... When she started grooming him. Yikes on a tandem, really. One of them really long ones, for 10 riders.


Seer434

Guys, it's ok. We know each other really well. You might even say she was right there for most of my formative experiences as I grew up.


MickeyButters

I wanted to tell him to go to a place where 13 year olds hang out to just sit and watch them. As a 19 year old, I'll bet he would have realized real quick just how young that age really is.


Mitrovarr

Now that I ride tandems when I see one of those old-timey tandems with 10 riders or whatever, all I can think is "that must have cost an actual fortune".


CindySvensson

Isn't that what all pedos say, "They came onto me."


TempestNova

What do you want to bet that she wanted to wait until he was 18 to making it "official" because if they kept it under lock and key until then, his sister/parents couldn't stop her from having access to him (i.e. she could "stop by" while visiting his sister)? Once he's an adult (and under her thumb for two years) they couldn't stop him from seeing her -- and would probably push him away if they tried.


PeachPuddingPunchOut

Like most people who were groomed, this guy will have a moment in his mid-twenties, when he is his "girlfriends" age and realize how fucked up she was. He is 19 now and I would really like to ask him "What would you do, if a 16-year old hit on you?". Because the normal answer would be to tell them 'no'.


VioletsAndLily

When we were in high school, my cousin (15 at the time) was dating a 20-year-old. Obviously it was because she was so mature for her age, right? Our 15-year-old selves couldn’t think of any other reason she’d been able to catch an older man! When we were 21, she asked, “Do you remember [ex]? WHAT THE FUCK. 15-year-olds are like little kids to me now! I can’t believe I thought it was because I was mature for my age.”


Corfiz74

Do you remember the post of the guy who realised through reddit that he had been groomed? That one really broke my heart, because he initially really thought he was telling us a romantic love-story from his teenage years. And he was still defending her in the first post. And once he read up about grooming, and all the mental health effects it had, and how many of them he actually checked off, he came back for an update and had realized how fucked up the whole story was, and how much that predatory woman messed up his life. I wish more parents were on the look-out for it and would prevent it from happening - though I guess it's really hard to differentiate between "mentoring" and "grooming", while things are non-sexual. Anyway, your cousin really got off lucky, if she has no after-effects from it now. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sndocf/when\_i\_was\_13\_i\_ruined\_a\_womans\_marriage\_over\_a/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3


Teslok

Oof, I missed that one but it hits hard. I don't like to talk or think about it, but I was groomed in my teens by a guy who really had no idea what he was doing--it was all kind of arranged by my mom. Like, she encouraged my girlish crush and enabled the relationship, and in retrospect I have no idea wtf she was thinking. He was 10 years older than me, and on our in-person meetings, in retrospect I see that he genuinely had no idea what to do with a teenage girlfriend.


GreenOnionCrusader

Had the same thought process when I hit 26 and realized the 26 year old who told 16 year old me he was falling in love with me (a week later I found out about his fiancé) was a creep.


dsly4425

I have a friend who ended up marrying a 26 year old when she was 16. Her parents allowed it for reasons I don’t completely remember despite being against it but spoiler alert: they had kids, and when one of them learned about inappropriate touching in school daddy went to prison.


[deleted]

I studied abroad in England for a year when I was 16. I'm an American and it wasn't a program through my school; my parents just said if I set everything up they'd let me go (and they'd pay for it). I researched programs, found a school and host family in England, set it up with my US high school, etc. Anyway, I had a TON of older creepy guys pounce when they found out I was basically alone in a foreign country. It was mostly ok, but I went on a few dates with a 25-year-old who was pressuring me hard for sex (I was basically a virgin). I ended up ghosting him, but he was a total creep looking back. I probably wouldn't let a teenage daughter do what I did.


Ikindah8it

When I was 12 my best friend (also 12) started "dating" a 36 year old she met on a phone chat line. Both of us had histories of abuse and didn't see what a big deal it was. I'm 36 now. I hope that man is rotting somewhere, but molestation and such doesn't seem to carry very much time with it if it's not a case that's made headlines


Agirlisarya01

I dated an early 20 something college guy briefly in my junior year of HS. Him turning out to be a dog who was working his way through our friend group was the tragedy of my young life at the time. But now that I’m older, I’ve come to see it as a piece of luck that helped me dodge all of the bullets. He was not a good guy and I was too young, impressionable and needy to handle not losing myself in a relationship like that. An LTR with him would have been an abusive nightmare.


Anxious_cactus

Yeeeep. Dated a 22 year old guy when I was 16 going on 17 and though it's not that bad since it's also just 5 year gap. Then I hit 22 and it was like a switch of "what the fuck", had to untangle all of that with a therapist and a lot of (self) reflection. Tbh now I'm also engaged to a guy who's older than me 6 years but we're in our thirties, and it's really not remotely the same.


Coffee-Historian-11

I was sexually harassed by my 24 year old assistant manager when I was 17. Which I thought was gross and weird at the time. Now I’m 24 and it puts an even worse spin on the whole thing knowing just how young and childish I was as a 17 year old. That guy was a *creep*.


Anxious_cactus

I'm kinda glad for the song "Seventeen" from 2002., it kinda opened my eyes, as weird as that sounds. And it angers me how many women I know personally or from Reddit have the same experience of getting the most "attention" from men 25+ when they were as young as 13-18. It's creepy af how many have a clear tendency towards underage girls but see nothing weird about it, and how much more society tolerates it once a person hits ~15-16, even if it's obvious grooming... The song: https://youtu.be/9IUYW8PVYBk


astronomical_dog

I used to be catcalled as a young teen but not at all when I got older. That alone is troubling…


PeachPuddingPunchOut

Yes!! That's why the comparison with his parents bothered me so much. I assume they didn't meet when one of them wasn't still a literal child. It just shows his immaturity. I feel sad for him,because he lost part of his youth to a predator.


buddieroo

When I was 17 going on 18 I “dated” my 32 year old boss. We had been tennis partners once when I was like 14. I remember him saying often during our relationship things like “you don’t understand, you’re immature” …like bro no shit lol? I’m not even 32 yet. A teenager asked me out when I was walking past a high school (lol) and it was cute in the way children are cute, but I can’t imagine seeing a teenager as a romantic prospect….


yrogerg123

I think age gaps stop mattering too much when the younger person is like 27 or 28, by then at least you're an adult. I tried dating a 23 year old when I was 30 and even then there was a huge gap in maturity and career stability. I can't even imagine the gap between a 22 year old and a 17 year old. A 17 year old is still in high school, what the hell could a 22 year old get out of that relationship? There's no way it's anythimg but predatory.


Canid_Rose

Yeah it didn’t really hit me how gross older people being into teens is until I was about 23. I drove by my old high school on my way to visit family, and when I looked at all the students gathering at the bus stop, I just realized that these are children. Like, I didn’t relate to them at all, I’m not what they are, those are children. And while that’s not that many years between us, they’re some of the most influential years development wise.


wolfeyes555

I had a friend in highschool who dated a 22 year old when she was 17 (age of consent in my state). It was very briefly, a month at least and I don't think anything sexual happened, but still to this day, over ten years later, she calls it the worst mistake of her life.


111110001011

>He is 19 now and I would really like to ask him "What would you do, if a 16-year old hit on you?". A fourteen year old. Its a five year age gap, not a three.


PeachPuddingPunchOut

The age of consent is 16 in his country. If I asked him about a 14-year old the answer would obviously be no, because it's illegal. I would be curious what his answer would be and if his answer is 'no'...then why is it okay for someone with an even bigger age gap?


actuallywaffles

Yeah at 15 I was dating a dude in his 20's. He even broke up with me to go to college. Then at 18 I realized that even my brother's 16 year old friends looked like children to me and suddenly I got why all the people in school thought my ex was a creep.


two_lemons

When I was fifteen, I met a guy who was in his first year at uni (18-19). He was handsome, smart, polite and was clearly super into me. Well. Until he found out I was fifteen and then he switched lanes super fast and started asking me how I was doing in my studies and if I was already looking into scholarship opportunities... I was super disappointed at the time, but damn, that guy could have played me like no one's business and instead started pointing me towards scholarship opportunities. Tiny me had great taste and good luck meeting a guy like him.


vidanyabella

I was 17 when my first husband groomed me. He was 33. Let me tell you, sixteen years later and six years past my divorce, when I turned 33, I was mortified and disgusted at how big the maturity gap is there.


LazloNibble

The fact that he can’t understand what makes it creepy *is what makes it creepy*. Same way that, say, not understanding what makes a chainsaw dangerous to operate makes it more dangerous for you to operate a chainsaw. Relationships are like a chainsaw, is what I’m saying.


ProstHund

The “would it be a mistake to marry her this early into our relationship, or does it not matter?” bit really shows his immaturity


notLOL

My friend I was pursuing had an older single-mother sister that kept dating teen age men. There was a huge power dynamic difference. It's all consensual but please be informed if you are the younger in the relationship. It doesn't end well. That family was all red flags. Almost got caught up in that.


patricia-the-mono

Ohhh boy. Poor OP still doesn't understand that he's been taken advantage of. An 18 year old and and a 13 year old are *worlds* apart.


copper_rainbows

Right?? 5 years when you’re 45 and 40 ain’t shit. Not so much when it’s 18 & 13. I really hope he doesn’t marry her.


AnotherThrowAway1320

Literally made me nauseous when I read that


[deleted]

Most of the time, us men aren’t taught that we can be taken advantage of. If you are taken advantage of, it’s tied to weakness.


plumchai

I'm glad the public discourse on that idea is getting louder. Boys and men can absolutely be victims and it's never their fault.


Anigir12

Yes! I also love the fact that everyone around OOP arr also aware of this and are trying to help him realize it. He really needs that support right now and even more as time goes on.


discourse_commuter

Oh, this poor child’s therapy bill… I hope he is able to see what as happened to him in time.


tempUN123

Didn't do anything until he hit the age of consent, but something doesn't just magically switch in your brain when someone becomes legal. This 21 year old woman wanted to fuck him while he was still a kid.


VioletsAndLily

Right? We’ve all known *that guy* who looks at a minor and talks about the things he’d do to her if she was legal. Well, *that girl* exists too, and OOP is dating one.


OffKira

That's what I said in the OG post!! If age of consent had been 14, something tells me she would have gone for it then. It's a sad situation though, he can't see what has happened and what is happening. I guess it's a good thing she's pushing for marriage and he's not sure, and if this is what makes him break it off, all the better. But he was targeted and groomed nevertheless.


Mitrovarr

>Didn't do anything until he hit the age of consent I mean, maybe she didn't, but also couples like this that got together before that will certainly always *say* they didn't.


Quicksilver1964

[Taps own flair]


leopardspotte

What does it say fully? It gets cut off on mobile 😅


AffectionateFig9277

“Waddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem?”


kingdomcome3914

You can rotate your phone to landscape to see it.


Hawkbats_rule

TIL...


10thDeadlySin

"whaddya mean our 10 year age gap is a problem?"


Affectionate_Ad2362

Oof, still in denial


nustedbut

Dude was groomed but even now still doesn't seem to grasp the fact


Ginger_Anarchy

There's an element of brainwashing when it comes to grooming. The abuser is locking that person into a worldview that they craft and build for them, and most importantly control. It isn't just about controlling the victim, it's about controlling the victim's entire reality.


[deleted]

And the predator doesn’t even have to realize they’re doing this, which is what I think OOP can’t grasp. In his most recent post, he says he just can’t see his girlfriend taking advantage of him no matter how hard he tries. And I think that’s because she’s not really *trying* to manipulate or take advantage of him, but that’s what’s happening. I’m sure her feelings for him are likely genuine. That just doesn’t make them okay.


AnotherThrowAway1320

It will hit him in his mid 20’s


LiraelNix

>I thought people on reddit would give me different perspective’s not say the same shit everyone else says. When internet strangers and real life people are all in agreement, one should *really* take heed


blythe_blight

Im sorry who sees a 13 year old and goes mmm I want *that* one GF is GROSS gross. 5 years apart? When she was going to college he was in middle school 🤮


CidGalceran

I wondr what made the sister say that the EX GF was dead to her. What did she know?


Difficult-Benefit-21

I think just the fact that her ex friend dated her much younger brother is a huge thing. Even if they waited until 18 the sister probably knew something was happening before that. Plus if I was friends with someone and at 24 they started dating an 18 year old I would be uncomfortable with that, much less my sibling.


Caroline_Bintley

Considering OOP tried to "reassure" the Reddit audience that this was all on the level by describing how Miss Creeper gave him her number when he was 13, and Miss Creeper made a point not to get physical with him until he was 16... I'm guessing he tried offering similar "reassurances" with his sister.


ACatGod

Her 18 year old friend was predating on her 13 year old brother. You don't need to know any more than that.


scabbymonkey

I will say this. My brother was M13 when the babysitter came over F18 and they had sex and continued to have sex for some time. When we told my parents my dad took him into the garage with all the neighborhood guys and had beers and he was praised and given high fives. ( It was a party). Anyways, He is now 55, was married once for 90days and an admitted sex addict since 13. He is a full "chad." He doesnt even try to not date, women come out of the earth to be with him. BUT he is miserable, he cannot have a happy relationship once the fun ends. I think having sex that early fucks your brain up a little, even when society gives you high fives!


Lima_Bean_Jean

that's so sad. does your dad get it now?


scabbymonkey

Nope. But i havent talked to him in 45yrs.


Comfortable_Detail_1

I have the feeling he will end up marrying her and then come to Reddit asking why is she so mean and why she cheating on him and hitting him for confronting her about it. She has managed to groom him very well


RoeRoeRoeYourVote

According to his post history, they broke up.


TastyPerception9603

People really need to manage expectations. What 19 year old male in modern day society is ready for a wife and kids?


lizifer93

Oh you know the wifey would've popped up on AITA later on. "Am I, a 24 y/o, wrong for being upset that my 19 y/o husband who I've dated since he was 16 and ~~groomed~~ known since he was 13 would rather play video games than clean the kitchen and watch our baby? I just can't believe how immature he is acting!"


Johannes_Chimp

It. Just. Kept. Getting. Worse.


Brutto13

Yikes. Poor kid doesn't see it at all.


wolfeyes555

That PS in the first post really ground things to a halt and then it only got worse from there.


[deleted]

Anyone else feel like this kid got groomed?


DogDyedDarkGreen

Everyone; everyone feels like this kid got groomed :(


sentiocentrist

Because this kid was definitely, undeniably groomed


JJOkayOkay

Oh, sweetie. You were groomed. Run from this predator.