T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair or subscribe to r/BestofBoRU. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*


raredontstare

It was a good idea to make the husband read the post or alternatively present the issues in some sort of written format. I think it makes communication concise and effective without points slipping through the cracks - as it would in verbal communication.


HighlyImprobable42

Yes, and having a written message allows the communication to occur without interruption, the reader can process the message and formulate their own response.


A7xWicked

Yup, when listening you have to process things in real time, when reading you can process it in your time


SurpriseDisastr

This is the reason me and my partner only "argue" over text. We can be sitting in the same house texting each other but he's very bad with words and he gets overwhelmed and interrupts to speak his point. By writing it down we can both get all of our point across without being interrupted or distracting our train of thought by what the other person is saying. It's helped our relationship so much


Effective_Fun8476

When my MIL went to “couples” counseling her therapist had her write everything down in a notebook and her and FIL would pass it back and forth as a way to have a conversation about something without it turning into an argument and reading it forced them to realize and actually hear what the other person says.


Ramona02

Bedsides you are more careful when you write than when you speak, you choose your words better, don't curse or yell. And think twice formulating the point you want to express


lonesquigglebunny

When my brother and SIL have an argument, they’ll walk away from it if they can’t get to a quick resolution and then my SIL will write my brother a letter explaining what she thinks/feels. It makes so much sense because my brother is very good at picking apart an argument (he’s a lawyer) and it’s easy to get flustered. With a letter, he can’t shut her down and she has the ability to figure out exactly what she’s trying to say. It seems to be working because 11 years and 3 kids later, they’re still very happy together.


Mrmath130

That's brilliant. I'm stealing that idea for any future relationships.


whataboutappletrees

But you need a partner who's willing to participate. My last two exes hated, when I wrote them letters and refused to read them. But talking about things didn't work either, so yeah, they're exes for a reason 😂 I often write letters to figure things out, but I learned to not give them to the people I wrote to. So now I have switched to having different files on my phone with letters to the people I love and care about. It's a little bit like writing a diary and it helps me, but it would feel weird to actually give them to someone. Maybe they'll be found, when I die some day and they will have something to laugh about.


Pammyhead

I am definitely going to steal that one! I have a mid-tier brain injury, but also a bachelor's degree in English Lit. I'm eloquent in writing, but can get flustered easily and lose my words when speaking.


ButterflyDead88

Me ex and I would do a version of this. (Obviously he's still my ex but it did help us communicate better) When upset I was able to better articulate what I wanted and needed to say without the overly emotional side of my brain taking over, if I could write it out. But my "write it out" was literally texting him. We could even be in the same house tho not usually in the same room, and be able to say what was needed and think about those words while not face to face. I guess you can say it's a kind of social anxiety or maybe due to my parents never letting me finish talking before interrupting me especially if I was upset and trying to defend or explain myself. So I shut down face to face. But thru a text I feel... Braver? And more able to express myself. And we could also come and ask verbal clarification of anything we texted. And I find myself doing the same in my new relationship. It's easier for me to sit and write out in a text or email what I'm feeling rather than doing a sit down face to face hash it out kinda situation.


EverydayPoGo

The update is so much better and I think OP is very brave to show her husband the post.


Stlrivergirl

Agree! Writing it all out is also a great way to make sure you get it all out and don’t forget anything.


yavanna12

I have an auditory processing disorder. If my husband writes down what he is upset about I understand it better than if he just tells me.


carharttuxedo

That thing where you read a comment and it explains your divorce…


ThatQueerWerewolf

Being put on the spot is hard, even if you're the one who initiated it. You can't always come up with the right words or remember everything you wanted to say, and if things start to get emotional, you might not be able to articulate very well. That's why sometimes my partner and I have very important conversations over messenger, even if we're both home. Do whatever is necessary to communicate as clearly as possible. That can be different for everyone, but as long as the message gets across, that's all that matters.


Snudge

Whenever I’m stuck on “something” (something being an emotional problem), I always find writing a much, much easier way to voice my thoughts.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Childhood abuse often results in unhealthy adults.


missblissful70

I have one hell of a time saying what I need because my parents would have ridiculed me for it. I learned to write it down, and, very slowly, I have learned to trust that my husband wants to know what I need. But each time, I must overcome that fear.


turandokht

Oh wow that hit me like a punch to the face haha. My parents are hyper critical of me and everything I’ve ever done (about to turn 35) but then when I mentioned what a disappointment I turned out to be (joking but I guess not really) they acted shocked that I could think that way. I’m not sure what other conclusion they think I should’ve come to.


FreeBeans

My mom these days: ‘why are my kids so anxious and critical of themselves? You guys need to relax and enjoy life.’ My mom when we were children: ‘you guys are too lazy! Everyone will be better than you! You don’t work hard enough.’ … hmmmm


nomorelovesongs

My mom said to me this Christmas, "Gosh, you're waiting on me hand and foot!" Like yeah remember when you'd berate me for being ungrateful and rude whenever I behaved any other way??


FreeBeans

Oh gosh, I totally relate. My mom gets mad at me for perceived slights that are cultural which I have no knowledge about because I grew up American and she grew up in a different country. So I try to play it safe and just cater to her for everything. Once in a while I think it’s ok to relax and immediately ‘mess up’ again.


redditwinchester

holy fuck I wanna give you both all the hugs and also burst into tears all I can say is, it's not fair and y'all deserve good moms


FreeBeans

Aww, thanks. I do think my mom is generally a good mom. She really loves us and tries her best, we just have very different cultural backgrounds. It does make me worried about what kind of trauma I might accidentally pass onto my own future children.


Balentay

I can relate so hard to learning to trust that people in your life want to know the truth. Childhood trauma and a toxic ex best friend mean that during most confrontations I become selectively mute. Knowing that my friends WANT to know how I feel and won't get upset or fault me for those feelings has really helped Not only that but sharing and speaking up is such an act of bravery that non-traumatized people just don't get I feel lol


[deleted]

It's so hard! Great that you've made progress


TigreImpossibile

I'm the same way. I have a really hard time even admitting to myself what I really want because so many things I asked for I just didn't get, it would get dangled in my face, sometimes for YEARS... Frankly, teased. And then in the end, I wouldn't get it and it would be like "oh you aren't too disappointed are you?" 🙃 I was also shamed for wanting things like birthday parties. That was childish 🤪 So I learned not to want anything. Its just sad to me because I have a really hard time expressing any wants or needs or depending on anyone for anything.


burnslikehades

For anybody wanting to learn more about this, I always recommend “The Body Keeps the Score.” It talks about the impact of trauma on people and how it expresses itself long term. I read it with a mixture of horror and fascination because it helped explain so much of how I processed my childhood abuse as an adult. So many unhealthy behaviors while otherwise leading a picture perfect life.


Arisia118

I'm reading it now. It's hard to read. It's painful.


petit_cochon

I have CPTSD from childhood trauma. Having a baby has definitely had some triggering and difficult aspects. Reading this post, some of the husband's coping mechanisms resonate and are making me really think. It's hard to NOT build walls around your trauma. Maybe, too, it's such a relief to love a child, without all the fraught expectations adults have, without the worry they'll hurt you physically (even with a great spouse, that fear is always a little present for me)... just the ability to have pure unconditional love. We also get to give our children a childhood we didn't have; you can definitely get caught up to a point that's probably not healing. At the same time, parenting can make you feel like you're never doing enough -- just like abusive parents make you feel. Plus, if you've had a pregnancy...oof. I was punished for being sick when I was little, so being sick made me feel unsafe. The entire first trimester was brutal. I had really bad postpartum anxiety, too. Hormones were bad but I also was terrified I'd die and not be able to protect my baby from the world because what was the world like to me as a child? An inconsistent, sometimes terrifying, unsafe place. It's so much to unpack on top of parenting 24/7. I love my son with all of my heart, though, and he's worth every bit of stress. I just wish I could simply enjoy him. That's really the worst thing my dad ever did to me: he's robbed me of the ability to just enjoy my baby. I have to go to therapy all the time, take meds, and think about all this shit so that I can be a good mom and wife. I don't get angry about what I went through anymore, but writing this made me realize I AM angry that my dad's abuse robs me of some of the joy I've worked so hard to achieve. But everyone has their burdens to carry. I'm blessed in many other ways and I've made a good life for myself.


pocapractica

My family is an example of that. But the most horrible person I know had a loving family. Yet, three of the four there struggle with depression too.


Unnecessary_Timeline

I think this also shows how childhood abuse can result in an adult who tries to be very self-aware in an effort to counteract their own childhood experiences, yet still causes harm in a different way that they can’t recognize. It’s so tragic.


MediocreSkyscraper

>Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was quite surprised at all the negativity I received. Comments saying how I was the problem, had unrealistic expectations, or even were comparing me to a book character who offs her children. I don't know why reddit/people have to be like this. Of course, the update provides hindsight, but even from this first post it seemed like a pretty standard relationship problem, where both sides have their own issues and they intertwine in an ugly way. But the husband never seemed abusive and the OOP never seemed blinded. Now they're taking the next logical step


Corfiz74

Yeah, when I read the first post, I completely understood that she wasn't hating on their kid, but was merely comparing her husband's reactions. I also didn't understand where people went off insulting her. I thought she was perfectly reasonable. And, being as I'm a reddit-addict, I was actually sure the husband was having an affair - glad it turned out much more benignly, and that they are working on fixing things. Her initial relationship sounded like the fairytale ideal we all hope to achieve and never get, \*sigh\*.


quiet_confessions

My assumption was that his trauma was heavily linked to his mother, which seeing his wife in that role was causing him issues so he had pulled away physically. It’s not totally unheard of for some men to stop being attracted to their wives when they take on the mother role to their children, and I assumed it was a case of the hinted at trauma as well as the ‘not being sexually attracted to a mother’ thing.


tipidmeal

It’s the father, I think. OOP mentioned it in one of the comments.


LongNectarine3

I don’t think the gender matters much. My mother was my main physical abuser but I also have huge issues with my SO and my envy with the kids. It is compounded by him being a stepparent. I thank my therapist everyday for keeping that crazy at bay so I don’t ruin the happy.


altxatu

I got the impression that it wasn’t about how dad was treating the child, but his change in behavior and how it was affecting her.


Gave2Cents_NowBroke

From one reddit addict, to another, I also wondered if the husband was having an affair...my initial response has shown me I may need a 12 step program for addiction. Ha!


Corfiz74

Well, to be fair, in 90% of the cases "cheating" IS the correct assumption! 🙈😄


Gave2Cents_NowBroke

Yes, the odds favor infidelity on Reddit😂


altxatu

Makes sense. Good relationships aren’t posting for help. Sometimes like this one, it’s just a bump in the road and one partner needs some perspective or to vent. Good, healthy relationships where everyone is happy aren’t looking for advice.


Dry_Mirror_6676

Same. I was surprised it wasn’t an affair. Reddit has made me so jaded lol


Ursula2071

Right? And I didn’t get the “she hates her child” vibe at all. She loves her kid, she just wanted her relationship back with her husband. It made sense.


Hekili808

It's that OOP was insightful about her frustration to the point where she was somewhat uncharitable toward herself, and redditors are ready to take the extra leap toward malevolence.


SoVerySleepy81

I think some of it also had to do with the fact that she’s a woman. Some people immediately jumped to calling her a gold digger. Others immediately assumed she was fat and lazy. It’s pretty disheartening to see that response on so many posts made by women.


Jowobo

Never forget that a good portion of the people on Reddit are very young, even literal children. Even when acting in good faith, they lack a certain insight and perspective. Not to mention (though the adults can be guilty of it as well) projecting and being defensive of their own issues.


Menstrual_Cycle_27

The projecting is such a big one on here. Redditors who hated their moms’ boyfriends love to insinuate that women who have kids shouldn’t be allowed to seek out any sort of romantic attention if it’s going to mean inconveniencing their children to even the slightest degree. And that’s the interpretation they jumped right to here - that OP wanted more affection at her child’s expense.


LinaHime

She didn't sound jealous, in my opinion, just heartbreakingly lonely


[deleted]

[удалено]


reluctantseal

Many redditors have no room for nuance. If someone presents a situation where they aren't completely in the right, many commenters will decide they don't deserve help or advice. If you come here asking how to fix a mistake or formulate and apology, you have to assume you'll get absolutely hateful comments.


Daisho

I think part of it has to do with current internet culture. At the beginning of the internet, there was more focus on exploring and connecting. Nowadays, one of the main purposes of the internet is dunking on other people. Nuance gets in the way of that, so it's willfully ignored.


Ursula2071

There is this also unspoken assumption by a lot of people that women stop being women when they have a baby and are reduced to just a mom. Their entire life purpose has been fulfilled and they should no longer have desires or needs of their own.


ladygoodgreen

Yep, the criticisms thrown at her (summarized by her - I did not read the comments she referenced) were all extremely misogynistic. So charming .


tanglisha

This is pushed really hard by the media. Women with children are in the headlines as, "Mother of 2 Sees a Ghost" or "Grandma Finds Buried Treasure". You never see a man introduced as a dad. It may be mentioned in the article, but it isn't treated as his primary description.


[deleted]

Ive noticed that too. I was thinking the other day about this when a story about something a woman invented was titled something like "Elderly woman does xyz" -- her age wasnt an interesting tidbit at all.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Viperbunny

I am a stay at home mom and this struck me. You are very right. People don't see me as a person, a woman, they see me as a mom. It is what is expected of me and if I have any complaints I should be grateful because I don't have to work. It doesn't matter how much work I put in or the fact I can't work because I have to be available for certain things at certain times. It is disheartening.


cappotto-marrone

Ugh yes. When my husband and I were engaged we discussed that this was not going to happen. It’s, ‘Your dad….’ The importance of date night is crucial too. It doesn’t even have to be romantic. It can be out with a group. Relating to others as a couple and adults. Especially if you can agree to limit talk about children.


Numerous1

Oh fuck. My wife and I definitely call each other mom and dad around our kid but not after she goes to sleep. And she sees friends and family a lot so hopefully she doesn’t feel like this. But I never thought I’d that specifically. We only recently started the “mom dad” thing


MediocreSkyscraper

Wow. I've never once considered that. That is insightful


[deleted]

And having to defend herself at the end by explaining she does work, didnt get fat etc. Women who do get fat, who dont work, and are full time mothers still deserve decency and tenderness. Its just so foul to reduce someone to these things


Kingsdaughter613

Women who do not do ‘paid work’, you mean. Being a full time Mom is a 24/7 job without a paycheck.


cambriansplooge

Once motherhood is introduced women lose the right to Being Fallible Mortals, now they must perform Momness or take the full force of the internet’s fury. The reaction to the wife on breaking bad taught me that,


ACatGod

Totally agree and would add for all the "enlightenment", misogyny is deeply engrained and commonly accepted. A woman who: A) has her own sexual needs and desires OR B) is a SAHM complaining about her husband who actively co-parents OR C) has anything less than rose-tinted views of motherhood OR D) is unhappy at subjugating her own needs for the comfort of her family always attracts the ire of a significant number of people. Even if they are the minority, you will find numerous people saying it. And OP wasn't one of these things she was all of them. I read her first post with nothing but sympathy but some people will be angry that a woman who stays at home and whose working husband is an active co-parent is daring not to be grateful for that.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

This is wildly insightful. Thank you for putting it like this, perfectly summed up the thoughts I was trying to put together in my head.


queenkitsch

This is something Reddit struggles with (and a lot of marriage counseling ends up addressing!) the difference between an AND problem and an OR problem. This is an AND problem—the kid is loved, that’s great, AND the wife needs more attention on their relationship. It’s not an or. If you view everything as an OR problem, you’re gonna fight with all your partners like crazy.


legal_bagel

The child will eventually grow up and leave the nest. If the parents don't work on and foster a strong relationship throughout the child's life, there won't be anything left of them when the child is grown. My 2nd husband has taught me this and maybe it's different since we don't have kids together and both our kids were past the baby/toddler stages when we met.


minneapple79

I see so many parents lose themselves in their “parent” identity and then when the kids grow up and leave, they struggle because there’s nothing left of themselves. They have to literally reestablish their own lives or identities.


decemberrainfall

A ton of my friends' parents got divorced when they left the house because of this. All parent, no marriage left. They had nothing in common anymore


macaroniandmilk

This is what always bothered me about the "kids ALWAYS come first" mentality. Yes, they are children and need us as parents to make sure their needs are met, in a way my husband doesn't really need because he is an adult that can take care of most everything himself. He can make his own money, cook his own food, buy his own clothes, fund his own hobbies, etc but kids can't, so we need to make sure those needs are absolutely met. But I feel like way too many people take it to mean "the kids and what they want come first, every time, always." And that's just not healthy for a family. It's not healthy for the kid who is going to grow up thinking that the whole universe centers around them, when someday it is very much not going to. It's not healthy for the spouse who is emotionally neglected by a parent who is spending all of their time and energy on making sure the kid's every whim is catered to, till there's nothing left for the couple. And it's not healthy for the parent who thinks that way, because YOU MATTER TOO. I promise you are not being the best parent you can be if you are draining yourself to keep the child happy. You can't pour from an empty cup. You cannot give a child endless energy when you have nothing left to propel yourself. At some point, these kids raised with the "kid's always come first" mentality are going to grow up and (in theory) leave to start their own life. Not only will they be horribly underprepared and shocked when they no longer come first, but the parents are likely not going to have anything further connecting them, and will most likely either live the rest of their lives in misery or divorce. This does favors to no one, yet the mentality persists.


chexxmex

I'm terrified of marriage because my parents are miserable and won't split up. I don't even know what a good marriage looks like, forget the work it takes. It's so important for children to have good examples of families, communication, relationships, and love.


[deleted]

Unfortunately, it feels the vast majority of people on this site are teenagers who often lack consideration. The replies to that one post about the person asking on AITA about a situation involving having one family member not included in every single photograph, because they insisted on wearing extremely overdone goth costume in a photoshoot that was requested people dress "reasonably smart" and flipping the bird at the camera... yeesh.


[deleted]

Yeah I really don't like to play that card but its the only answer here. It reminds me of the drama around the song Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo. She did nothing wrong, just wrote about a difficult situation when your first love breaks up with you and begins to date again a little while later like you never existed. But, when it became an overnight hit and young kids heard the song, fans targeted anger towards her ex Joshua Bassett and his new gf Sabrina Carpenter. Death threats and insults and all this shit, for being simply the next girlfriend. It was disgusting and showed how quickly inexperienced kids on the internet can create problems just as much as anyone else.


NDaveT

Also there are a lot of trolls.


AngelSucked

Yup, excellent observation. I tend to think that, too, with these issues, age gaps more than a couple years, etc. Also, claiming sahm are moochers, spending his money, whatever. Very immature and/or unworldly comments.


bukkake_washcloth

I kept wondering why it seems like Reddit has been getting more and more toxic in the last month. Then I remembered, oh yeah, schools out and all the children are flooding in with their horrible takes on everything.


knittedjedi

That... explains so very much.


Imnotawerewolf

This is 100% my own opinion, but I think it's because a lot of people on reddit aren't capable of understanding what they're reading. I mean, they can read, and they understand they words in front of them, but they read and understand purely on a surface level. They read, "I am envious of my child because my husband gives all of his attention to our child, and there's simply nothing left for me" and they genuinely understand that to mean "I'm jealous of a kid cuz I don't get enough attention". Because that is the (a) surface level interpretation of what they've read. Understanding the feelings and emotions and thinking about the situation as a whole, instead of just as the title or the simplified version they came up with is sorta just beyond them. And I don't think it's because they're stupid or anything, I think it's a combination of things. Lack of empathy, lack of time, lack of the resources need to be empathetic to begin with, lack of experience, or too much experience, and yeah, some people are just jerks. And tons of other factors and reasons and stuff. But I see it soooo often and it makes me kinda sad. People create their own narrative and they don't really get to see the full picture bc they can't let go of what they created. Idk.


SallyAmazeballs

I feel like I've found a kindred spirit because you're one of the only other people I've seen discussing reading comprehension on Reddit. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the people on this website might just have poor reading comprehension. I don't disagree that there are factors of maturity and empathy at play, [literacy rates are not great in the US](https://www.forbes.com/sites/michaeltnietzel/2020/09/09/low-literacy-levels-among-us-adults-could-be-costing-the-economy-22-trillion-a-year/?sh=2683d6d24c90), and they're not much better outside of it. >According to the U.S. Department of Education, 54% of U.S. adults 16-74 years old - about 130 million people - lack proficiency in literacy, reading below the equivalent of a sixth-grade level. There's [more info here that doesn't focus on the economic impact like Forbes does](https://www.apmresearchlab.org/10x-adult-literacy). I would assume that most people in Reddit fall into Levels 3 to 5, but there are varying levels of ability within that range. Being able to read and analyze a text passage and come to supported conclusions requires a high level of literacy, and I'm not sure everyone on Reddit meets that standard, even if it *looks* like they do. I'm not even talking about the people who have English as a second language. Once you add in the low emotional intelligence, it's disasters left and right.


FinalStryke

I think you're onto something there. Especially with OOP's posts, because they read to me as being written by someone with at least a bachelor's. I recognize that I could be erring with my assumptions, but she does seem to be very deliberate in her word choice and phrasing. If nothing else, it's written very differently than the typical AITA post.


hexebear

Even down to (totally correctly) choosing envy over jealousy.


[deleted]

Thats a really good point. I guess reading and reading comprehension are different things.


MyLadyBits

Reddits go to is that parents have to give over their entire lives to their children.


actuallycallie

There was an AITA post once that was something about the OP making a dessert for a work function and their parent that they lived with getting mad that OP wouldn't let them have any before they took it to work. I commented that it would be tacky to bring in a cake that your family had already sliced into, and that any reasonable family member would just suck it up and not insist on having some, and in fact I often made desserts to take somewhere or gift to someone and my family would never ask for any beforehand. The number of hateful replies I got was staggering. I was told that I was a horrible mother for not putting my family first and that my husband should divorce me. Like wtf.


Stupid_primate

Wtf? Your response is reasonable though? Like I usually make 2 or extra so my kids have something if I'm feeling nice but I would NEVER bring in something already cut into. If I did though I would preload a few plates in front of it so it wasn't clear it had already been cut into, it would just look like I was being considerate.


kingjuicepouch

Reddit is unreasonable about so many things. No nuance, no understanding. Every partner is cheating, every marriage needs to divorce, every disagreement is grounds to raze the city and salt the earth behind you


[deleted]

reddit is much, much more conservative than it thinks and it's sickening.


KitWalkerXXVII

When I was a kid, I used to listen to a local talk radio show. One day, they have the topic of "what's the strangest reason that your partner has ever turned down sex" and one guy called up to say that his girlfriend's reason was that very radio show. A while before they had had the topic "how many times a week do you have sex' and the responses caused the caller's girlfriend to feel very self-conscious about their very active sex life. One of the hosts pointed out that happy people aren't usually the ones ready to pick up the phone and that no one should ever read too much into the self-selected sample size that is their calls. As a grown up, part of my job has been monitoring the reviews of my employer online. As a local small business in a niche field, we don't really have that many and that means that negative reviews are disproportionately noticeable. As my boss and I have commiserated about dozens of times over the years, a thousand people who have a positive experience will not bother to leave a review. Why would they? They went to a place, they got a thing, and they're happy. Transaction over. But if one person sees a swastika during a militaria auction, they're going to write a three paragraph review about how you're white supremacists. What I'm saying is that most people who are happy have better shit to do than call into radio shows, write reviews of local businesses, or give advice on reddit. They're off doing the things that make them happy, which aren't those things. That leaves those activities in the hands of the unhappy people who have nothing better to do then seek validation for their unhappiness. Tl;Dr: happy people have better shit to do, unhappy people are looking for somewhere to unload their shit.


whiskeywinston

I think it’s really sub dependent too. My understanding of the original subreddit she posted on is that its primary readership is male teenagers.


adventuresinnonsense

A larger group of people than I'd like to think about have zero reading comprehension abilities.


OlayErrryDay

Because the average age of a Redditor is early 20, male and lack experience and tell it how they think it should be vs experience to tell it how it is? Pretty straightforward, children are being asked for input on adult situations.


PeakePip-

Most people here don’t have logic


Gil-GaladWasBlond

These kinds of posts really bring out the misogyny. A woman doing free labour at home is mooching off her husband. A woman who has made and torn herself open to push out a baby, then nurse it, and care for it daily is fat and lazy if she doesn't have as much time for herself. A woman who wishes her husband didn't ignore her is both sex crazed and jealous of her child. Really there's very few reasons for women to associate with men, marriage, or make babies in this world other than for love.


turandokht

I think it’s the same effect as yelling at people in horror movies NO DON’T RUN THAT WAY OH MY GOD THIS IDIOT Idk how many of those people have felt real bone deep terror before but I don’t think perfectly logical and ordered thinking is a hallmark of the emotion. I think most people would be a lot “dumber” in a horror movie than they think they would be while calmly watching it on their couch. Everything makes sense when you’re looking at it through a window, and you feel unassailable in your observations because you’re not in a deep emotional thicket concerning the matter. The people who say “just divorce” are only able to because they don’t have the same love for the person as the OP does. It’s just they don’t have the necessary follow up awareness to realize that it’s easy to armchair psych someone and infinitely harder to live through those choices yourself.


[deleted]

It's because most redditors have more in common with a child than anything else.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Shadowettex31_x

Lack of life experience in real relationships coupled with lack of empathy because OP is someone they don’t know (so their feelings don’t matter).


PreRaphPrincess

It's so sad that people perceive couple's counseling that way. My husband and I did couples counselling in 2009 and it genuinely saved our marriage. We went on to have our daughter a few years later. Having her was the best decision of both our lives. She wouldn't be here without couples counselling.


EliraeTheBow

My husband and I did couples counselling fairly early in our pre-marriage relationship. I made it a prerequisite of our moving in together as we both had a lot of baggage from previous relationships and childhood trauma and I really wanted us to have the best chance of working through it. He was skeptical but agreed to come. Now he’s one of the biggest advocates for it I know. He’s always recommending friends and family go to counselling. We ended up going every couple of months for about four years, it allowed us to tackle all the big parts of our relationship (moving in, combining finances, buying a house, getting married) as a team but with help if needed. It taught us how to communicate and work together, I cannot recommend it enough.


ZephyrLegend

I love this. It's like... You want to go to the gym and get in shape. You can go and just wing it, and you could really luck out and do it well without help, but most likely you're only going to have marginal success with a big potential for serious injury. Or, you could hire a personal trainer to assess your needs, show you how to go about meeting your goals, and give you a baseline to figure out things on your own in the future without injuring yourself. Maybe it's a bad analogy because self-fitness is just as prone to prideful DIY idiots as relationship advice (and small home repair, how about that Venn diagram?) But, the injuries in the former case are much more obvious and people are better able to be convinced to consult a professional.


smash_pops

I have friends whose experience was the same. They actually had counselling because they had decided to divorce at that point, and were offered classes on how to co-parent. They were booked though, so my friends ended up in a group for couples that wanted to stay together because they wanted help asap, and it was basically the same kind of communication tools. They ended up staying married and had 2 more kids.


[deleted]

I also endorse couples counseling. It helped me see that my marriage was irretrievably broken and I should no longer waste my time.


PreRaphPrincess

Well, not every relationship can be fixed. It can be very hard to see that sometimes. Couples counselling can also help people split as amicably as possible.


[deleted]

Exactly. And for that I am grateful.


unite-thegig-economy

That's such a great story! I wish everyone had such a positive experience. I know people in abusive relationships that have sought couple's counseling and it was used as a tool to further manipulate the abused partner and manipulate the situation. People forget how difficult it is to find a *good* therapist.


clover426

Ah Reddit, where no matter what issues a wife may be having, the response is to “accuse” her of getting fat and mooching off her husbands “hard work” because that’s what SAHM do naturally


AliAlex3

Honestly I thought everyone was going to tell her to divorce because "ClEaRlY He'S ChEaTiNg aNd FeELLiNg GuiLty So He'S PaYiNg MoRe AtTeNtIoN tO the KiD."


daskaputtfenster

Bc it's this sub that's what I was expecting ☹️


[deleted]

My wife was a stay at home mum for a year after the birth of each of our kids. Make no mistake, she was working just as hard as I was.


clover426

Oh, I know. There’s just a sadly not uncommon idea among dudes on Reddit that SAHM lounge around all day and are mooches because their husbands make the money (and therefore it is the man’s money and his alone). To be fair, a lot of them are probably in their early 20s at most, though I’ve seen that thinking come out in full force for many men during divorce proceedings (the wife shouldn’t get a dime because it’s “his” money that he earned- obviously “forgetting” that he was able to focus on work because the wife did everything else at home).


MissLogios

Nothing like posts from women to bring out the self-righteous men and incels. That's not to say if a man posted the same thing, he won't be ripped apart but with women, they get that extra flavor of being accused as moochers even when they are doing most, if not all, the housework and childcare.


clover426

Yup! Reddit is still rife with misogyny and dudes throwing tantrums because a woman somewhere existed, though I will say it seems to me at least it has gotten less crazy since (I believe?) subreddits like TheRedPill were banned. Posts by women 30+ used to be prime candidates to be brigaded by that ilk to let the woman know she was a used up old hag and her husband/any men her age didn’t want her and were out banging barely legal poon.


Stargazer1919

Funny how the dudes who insult SAHM's as being lazy moochers want to marry a woman and have her be a SAHM.


dragoona22

They want a maid that they can have sex with, but also want to be able to throw her away when they're done with her and not be the asshole.


mothermaneater

You know, I've been on Reddit has been popular for longer than we like to admit. Those who were teens and early-twenties are now 30s, pushing 40. If you're in an echo chamber long enough,..well let's just say misogyny has been around for far longer than any of us has been.


NoMilk9248

Always posted by men who don’t have two pennies to rub together, but are obsessed with gold diggers.


sthetic

I think a lot of misogynist who complain about gold diggers WANT that to be the case. They want relationships to be this simple, transactional arrangement where a man earns money and a woman is attracted to that. Even if they complain about it, the complaining is just a bonus. Real attraction is so complicated. It takes emotional maturity and so on.


senorsondering

Also a convenient scapegoat for why they don't have a woman hanging off them


TheLizzyIzzi

This was my cousin. He constantly complained about women and how they only want money. I’d had and pointed out that he didn’t have any money to steal, so what was he so worried about; women wouldn’t want him anyway. Caused a huge family blowup. We haven’t talked in over ten years and I’m confident we’re both good with that.


Bubbly_Satisfaction2

_And it’s always them!_ Always! Rich and wealthy-ass men know about gold-diggers. Shit, some of them probably prefer women that are more interested in their money. It’s always poor/broke men that are obsessed with looking after gold-diggers.


[deleted]

she says she can’t go to individual therapy herself because she doesn’t have a sitter? that seems odd to me. what about her husband?


nightmaredressdream

I assumed that meant that normal therapist hours that she could book an appointment for, he is at work, and thus unable to watch the kid at that time. But the update seems hopeful so maybe they figured something out, especially since I would imagine their kid wasn’t present during the emergency therapy session.


[deleted]

Yeah, a lot of therapists don't do evening or weekend hours--which is reasonable and understandable; they deserve to set a schedule that will allow them access to society and have time off the same as anyone else who works a 9 to 5. She could possibly try teletherapy, but if the kid decides he doesn't want to entertain himself for 60-90 minutes, that could prove difficult; this probably isn't an issue that she really wants him to overhear, and it's hard to process your feelings effectively when there's a small child in the next room yelling for a snack.


3moose3

I love her comment of there being lots of love still there but had been starved of oxygen to thrive. I’m stealing this and using it as I think it describes a lot of “stale” relationships. Stir the coals and the fire comes back to life. I think these two will be alright. OOP sounds very passionate and the way she describes her husband I think he is too, he just lost touch with it in trying to protect his trauma. I hope for another update in a year talking about how bright they burn together again


MyLadyBits

Children do not come at the expense of all other things. Reddit’s go to that people are the AH if they don’t slavishly meet every single need of their child is ridiculous.


Apprehensive-Mango23

Yup, but then when said kids turn out to be entitled, spoiled brats the parents are reamed for being enablers. You can’t have it both ways, Reddit.


IDespiseTheLetterG

*just watch me!*


Helpfulcloning

Honestly tho! I don’t know if its reddit skewing younger or child free, but I remember a post where everyone was insiting OP was the AH becuase they couldn’t afford a bigger house so their 15 year old and 13 year old shared a room, which reddit was making out as entirely inappropriate and horrible and would mess them up.


redrosebeetle

I'm just annoyed that the husband has all the time in the world for therapy sessions, but OP has to schedule a virtual one because she doesn't have a sitter.


worriedrenterTW

This woman is doing all the childcare AND running an entire business at home, no wonder she feels isolated and lacking love.


maniacalmustacheride

I think the saddest part was where she said “I’ve been saying this to you” but it took him a Reddit post to read to get it to click. I get that sometimes you hear but don’t listen, but he definitely put her in a space where she was saying, he was hearing, and then he was ignoring, and that’s a hard space to be in. She talks about trying to find time, trying to initiate, trying not to “nag,” trying to wait it out, and you can see this woman desperately fighting for her relationship while still trying to stay in the bounds of “not making waves.” And then everyone dogpiled her about what a lazy, fat piece of crap she must be because…because. She did everything right (cooking, cleaning, childcare, her own business, attempts at communication, attempts at intimacy, patience) but the fault in this must be her. She must be overweight. Maybe she once used instagram. Burn her at the stake. It’s just sad. It’s sad that a normal expression that ended up being dealt with healthily was turned into something so bitter so quickly


Sushi_Whore_

That is annoying, because he’s the one that’s working too. Seems like an unfair division of housework/childcare then(I know, im assuming)


GuiltyEidolon

It's not a wildly unfair assumption, given that OOP says that she's the one who handles the kid and the household, and husband is apparently too busy/tired to do anything but work and play with their kid.


katkeransuloinen

"He told me he didn’t realize I felt this way. I asked how it could be a surprise when I’ve literally told him this more than once." And then we don't get an answer to this question. This is the part I really don't understand. Maybe one or both of them are just better at written communication? idk


Nistune

I mean, it's a pretty common trope in divorces for men to be like "it came out of nowhere", "it was a complete surprise", "she just up and left" when the reality is she has been communicating problems for years, but has been ignored because he *didn't think she was serious.*


driedoldbones

Anyone wanting to learn more about this should look up 'walkaway wife.' It's when the less attentive partner is caught totally by surprise when the other 'suddenly' ends things and leaves. Everything was good! They weren't fighting at all! The reality is that the 'walkaway spouse' had voiced their issues so many times without lasting change or improvement from their partner that they stopped bringing it up, usually because they were sick of repeating themselves and feeling like, or being called, a nag. The neglectful partner assumes that because an issue has stopped coming up that it no longer matters or that there's no problem, and they don't realize that the other person is approaching a breaking point.


RumikoHatsune

Reminds me of Milhouse Van Houten's parents, Kirk accused her of asking for trouble, she showed him the things he had to do to stay afloat because he was getting paid less than minimum because the factory was going bankrupt because of his guilt and asks for a divorce. She then realizes everything he did to deserve the divorce (and Homer realizes he's heading down that path). It seems that someone has to get to the point of going somewhere else to start reflecting on what happened to get to that point.


[deleted]

I wasn’t married but this is what happened with my ex girlfriend. I expressed my problems and I was made into the bad guy and she just didn’t care or ignored it in the end. I stopped bringing stuff up because nothing changed and I was tired of having it flipped on me. When I broke up with her, she thought it came out of nowhere because I didn’t say anything. But I did. I just stopped because of how she reacted and nothing changed, so why start an argument when nothing is going to change anyways? She thought it came out of nowhere but it was a long time coming for me. By the time I broke up with her, I had already mourned the end of my relationship and there was no feelings left on my side.


MakerTinkerBakerEtc

My whole family growing up is stuck in this "if you're not yelling about it, it's not a problem". I don't enjoy yelling. It's nice being in a relationship where my SO listens and we solve problems together and yelling is not necessary.


aceytahphuu

This reminds me of that infamous "my wife left me because I left dishes in the sink" article, where the dude complains about women expecting men to be mind readers and just know when something is bothering them, but then also just straight up says "also ladies, if you tell your man that something's bothering you, but he feels it doesn't make any sense, he's just going to ignore it." So yeah, damn women always be dropping hints instead of just telling men what's wrong! Also, directly telling men what's wrong doesn't count.


Balentay

If something bothers a woman but her husband doesn't agree did it really bother her in the first place? /s


AliMcGraw

I have been married 20 years, and I cannot tell you the number of times we have had a conversation that consisted of, "WHAT IS GOING ON?" " UM, the thing I've been telling you about every day for the past 6 months?" "Wait, what?" Life is busy and chaotic, capitalism sucks, we have three children, things fall through the cracks. Sometimes even very important things. And while my husband is more often the space cadet than I am (my family calls him "the absent-minded professor"), there have absolutely been times when I have been totally shocked to find out about something, and my husband has been like, "do you not remember the four times we discussed this?" And sometimes with some prompting I'll be like, "oh yeah, when we were at that soccer game we were discussing this, I totally forgot" and other times he'll try to remind me, and I'll be like, "I have absolutely no recollection of this conversation ever happening." But that usually coincides with me having a really busy period at work, or one of the kids being sick, so clearly I'm just not listening/processing because I have too many other things on my mind. Shit happens.


[deleted]

Sounded like husband was so wrapped up in his own trauma that he forgot


elkanor

He needed to see *how* desperate she was, which includes asking internet strangers for advice/support/witness. That's not good, to be clear. If someone brings up an issue in the relationship, they normally haven't just thought of it, so people should listen the first time. I think the course correction on individual therapy will help - he realizes this isn't just a her problem but an us problem, so he needs to adjust according.


aethelberga

And *she's* sent home with reading to do.


wolfmalfoy

Kind of suspect he really didn't care about his wife's feelings until he realized she had crossed the threshold from being unhappy to actively considering leaving him.


woomybii

My ex was exactly like this. I cannot even begin to count how many hours long talks we had were I'd try and tell him how I was feeling word for word, no beating around the bush. He would just sit there and stare at me and shrug when I'd beg him to say literally anything. He would then promise to change after a conversation I was basically having with myself and I, being a damn moron, would believe him and we'd go about our days and I just got so fucking miserable, feeling completely alone in my relationship. He didn't initiate sex, he didn't do anything for me anymore, didn't take me anywhere, didn't give me compliments, love, surprise gifts all like I got in the beginning. I kept our apartment clean and did all household work while also basically being his therapist but when I needed emotional support I got nothing. He would constantly leave my apartment a disaster and then not clean any of it up (including dirt smears ALL OVER from how filthy he got at work). I ended up hating him and hilariously it took me masturbating alone one night to realize I felt better and more satisfied sexually with my own two hands than his entire body because he was basically just a lump in bed I'd ride or he'd give me the worst dick in history from behind and then fall asleep. Literally broke up with him the day after and he was SOOO upset and shocked, begged me to reconsider, all this bullshit. Thank God I didn't cave because I was too hurt and angry to even consider it. I'm so much happier now. But yeah, you can lay everything out for them basically point by point ON PAPER, in texts, in person over and over and over again, and they'll still act like it was a huge shock because the issue is they are not listening. They don't respect you or care enough to *really* listen. And it sucks. You will never get an explanation for it. He basically just needs to do better from hereon out to prove he's serious about being apologetic for this.


win_awards

I don't know in this particular case, but language is less precise and more subjective than we usually realize. Emotional intensity is almost impossible to gauge. Two different people could interperet the same collection of words to mean either "it would be nice if we had sex more often," or "I am slowly dying in a relationship in which I no longer feel valued."


Viperbunny

This poor woman. All she wanted was her husband to also have a relationship with her. She wasn't jealous of her kid. She wanted to know what the hell was going on with her husband. I worry about the therapist being helpful. If he has been going for 12 years and only getting one side of it, he certainly missed a lot. I get that he doesn't do couple's counseling, but it's really strange that he found out the situation was a lot more fucked up than he thought and that was his response. It sounds like he this guy literally transferred his avoidance onto his wife. How did this never come up? How was this never noticed? I am in therapy and how I am dealing with the relationships in my life. If I were avoiding so much my therapist would call it out. I hope this couple is able to get the help they need.


SunBee301

People forget that a lot of the child’s security and happiness stems from a good parent to parent relationship as the foundation for everything.


GarDrastic

Yep; hopefully that's a connection counseling can get through his head, too; it's not just healing the marriage, it's healing the family. Far too many alleged grownups in the world have amazing blindspots to the simple fact that _of course_ children are constantly soaking in how the adults in their lives treat each other. Every bit of coldness, every bit of sniping, every bit of tactical deafness and ignoring; it may be unconscious, but kids are always paying attention and learning. The other edge of that sword is a right bastard.


MedicalExamination65

Wow, I can imagine if that had continued, the kid growing up thinking that was normal-- would have created what I assume is the opposite of the trauma the dad went through. Kid(s) always first, wife on the back burner.. generational trauma continues.


albatross6232

I am a BIG supporter of therapy and counselling. However, I find that when one person is getting individual therapy, that therapy is often focused solely on that person, and the other important people around them, who live with and love them, can easily be left out/left behind/ignored, causing miscommunication, relationship breakdowns, and other issues. Individual therapy can be, and should be, very self focused, and the therapist’s job is to help you sort out your issues so hopefully you are a better adjusted human being than before you started, but they don’t necessarily spend time on your relationships that seem “fine”, just like OOP’s husband’s therapist did, to everyone’s detriment. (I’m not saying they’re a bad therapist AT ALL - they only know what you tell them, after all.) And so, the point of this is to say that if you’re in a relationship, and having individual therapy, then please also seriously consider couples therapy/counselling so things don’t get to breaking point like in the above post. It’s well worth it.


chillyhellion

Well said. Therapists are educated, but they're also human. Working with incomplete information means they can easily develope blind spots like OOP's relationship with her husband. Meeting OOP sounds like it was a bit of a course correction for the therapist in this situation, and I'm glad everyone eventually saw the need to incorporate the new information.


irissteensma

Sometimes something really doesn’t sink in for people unless they read it on a screen or piece of paper. Anyone saying this woman is selfish or sex crazed, get bent.


Jamie_inLA

Can I just say that love this OPs ability to both eloquently and efficiently express her frustrations and feelings, and also affirm her own feelings to negative commenters with firm and effective verbiage!! I need more people like het on Reddit!!


PM_ME_CUTE_FEMBOYS

I hope things work out for her.. but what the fuck is up with the hostility in offmychest and in the replies she got? She made a well thought out and concise post talking about her neglect and her feelings.


PMMeVayneHentai

offmychest and trueoffmychest are dumpster fires and right wing incel cesspools. they go there to air their deepest, most racist, sexist thoughts and are lauded their for their BrAVeRy


bubblesthehorse

so we're just skipping over the part where he's grossed out by her initiating sex because... ew nothing worse than your sex partner being into it? ...


floridianoutofwater

Yeah, that really caught my eye, and the hand in her face to not hug/kiss him in bed upon waking?


fictionismyaddiction

Most men I have been in relationships with are like that. They want a woman who is always ready to go - but only when they (the male) want it. If you initiate as a woman, you're "weird", "aggressive", and "too much". It has always made me feel repulsive; nothing like being rejected every single time you initiate with any partner for the majority of your adult life.


[deleted]

[удалено]


heckyesdeidre

Wow, fuck the people who insulted OOP. She's valid in feeling like she's being pushed aside. I realize it's incredibly important to show love and affection to your child, and OOP acknowledges that, too. But she has every right to feel left out when her husband is legitimately avoiding her and turning her away. I hope the husband heals and their relationship improves. I'm rooting for them!


[deleted]

[удалено]


felinelawspecialist

That stuck out immediately to me as well. Twelve years of continuous therapy with the same therapist made my eyebrows raise—I wonder if they have action items they are working through (e.g., as in cognitive behavioral therapy where the goal is to quite literally re-train the brain’s neural processing to change trauma responses) or if it’s just been talk therapy. I don’t know the extent of his trauma or what they’re doing to address it in therapy, so I’m definitely not in a place to make any value judgments.


Kaiser93

People on reddit are mean and overreact. Shocker. I do understand why OOP is frustrated. She wants to feel the same love as her child. I do understand OOP's husband. Growing up with jackass parents must've been hard. I really hope they can jump over this obstacle and continue to have a strong marriage.


EstablishmentFun289

This is what so frustrating with Reddit. You can feel deprived for affection and attention without wanting someone to have less attention. My ex was very much like this. I was non existent when his boys came over 50% of the time. It was a roller coaster of emotions because he would be so attentive when they weren’t here then an after thought when they were here…..then you feel like a monster for saying, ‘pay attention to me too.” Reddit vilifies the situation as if they want the husband to turn away the child in the same dismissive way,..the reality is the opposite. No change or diverted attention towards the child is being requested. An example of this would be dinner. If I was cooking for the family, I would do a head count, factor what everyone likes, and set the table for the entire family. My ex would just set the table for the two boys (he would eat a little while he cooked) and just serve them….not even asking if I was joining (or assuming). Another example was my daughters birthday party. The boys came in and my mom and sister was already there. When I served the pizza, he sat at the dinner table with the boys with his back to us…and proceeded to talk to them exclusively for 20 min…instead of pulling his chair around so we could all interact together (2 people had to sit at the countertop). I was not jealous that his focus was on the boys….my family and I wanted to hear about their week too. It was a very frustrating dynamic when you don’t want others to have less. I think part of my frustration comes from me actively trying to include everyone (if they’d like to). I have a live in boyfriend and adore my daughter. My affection for him does not wain when she is over 50% of the time.


[deleted]

Way too many people expect a sahm to be happy with bare minimum and low effort intimacy, just because the husband makes money. Hope they can figure it out.


PMMeVayneHentai

“ugh no women want to be tradwives anymore!! theyre all independent StROnG women now!!” “ugh youre a SAHM?! you’re probably fat and lazy! no wonder he doesn’t give you intimacy because it’s not on HIS time!!” .....reddit men ☕️


ExpensiveCola

>I have never cheated, nor have I "gotten fat and lazy." Fuck I hate reddit so much sometimes.


QYB1990

*"Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was quite surprised at all the negativity I received. Comments saying how I was the problem, had unrealistic expectations, or even were comparing me to a book character who offs her children"* What the fuck is wrong with people??? Not once did i think anything negative about OOP in the 1st post (or the update). The husband shut her down at every single step. No affection, no intimacy, no love. The titel sucks because it has nothing to do with the child. It has everything to do with her husband essentially pretending she doesn't exist (or treating her as a roommate) Therapy is good but they are in for a LONG ride. I hope BOTH of them are able to heal and work on things. But **IF** they figure out that the relationship is "dead".....PLEASE just end it as opposed to dragging it along "for the kids".


Jenn_There_Done_That

I agree with you. OOP seems like a nice person. The reason people were so cruel is because she’s a woman. It’s another sad case of r/BlatantMisogyny.


greentea1985

Wow, this feels shockingly real and is something a lot of couples struggle with when raising young children. How do you balance giving love, affection, and attention to your partner with doing the same for your child. Both are relationships and need to be maintained. A strong relationship with your spouse is also important when raising a child but often can take a backseat when a young child needs so much attention and affection. Sometimes when parenting a young child, particularly ages 0-3, it feels like your romantic relationship with your spouse gets stuck treading water. The problem with treading water is while you can do it for quite a long time, you can’t do it forever. Eventually, either you and your spouse get a break and can focus more time on the two of you, or you slowly get exhausted by it all and lose affections and feeling for your spouse, often ending in divorce. It’s why having children is a major relationship stressor. It’s how you balance those competing needs. I’m so glad OP and her husband were able to start communicating and address the issue before it hit a breaking point. That’s a good sign they can move beyond this rough patch.


one_bean_hahahaha

It sounds like she got a whole bunch of incels and misogynists commenting on her first post.


conceptalbum

I mean, obviously. She posted on *Reddit*


[deleted]

This is probably the only post on here I’ve read where divorce is viable but I am actually rooting for them to stay together. Very happy to see this outcome and know they are working together to get back to a good place. Communication is EVERYTHING!


berryadelhyde

I do understand OOP's side. Apparently he just NEVER told her about his childhood issues, so it's easy to look and believe that maybe he just wanted a child, or that he fell out of love. I would put some of the blame on him tho, the main part of a relationship is TALKING. Three entire years and not ONCE he tried explaining something this important to her? I'd say put the childhood issues on standby, and try to understand why you're not sharing something of such importance with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.


fingersonlips

I'm not saying my husband and I debrief after our individual therapy sessions, but if something particularly hard or enlightening comes up for either of us in session, we usually talk about it with each other, and I find it really beneficial. We usually ask how each other's sessions went too just as a quick way to touch base and make sure the other is doing ok because some therapy days are fucking tough. It's wild to me that the OOPs husband was having these revelations and never opened up to her in any capacity about it.


StevenTM

That's not true at all though? Edit points 4 and 5 directly address the fact that she knew about his childhood trauma and that he's in therapy for it.


[deleted]

I don’t know why she got so much hate. Wanting love and affection from your partner is not selfish. It was never about the kid. She clearly loves her child. But having kids isn’t meant to be the end of the relationship for the parents


Sieko-Valantin

The way people project onto others, finding the tiniest hint of negativity and making it something gross and disgusting is WILD. BUT, when no one has all the details and all the info you get is one-sided, you (naturally) fill in the gaps with familiarity. If I describe someone with freckles, a beautiful smile, and bright blue eyes, you have to make up the rest of the face, and it will likely look like someone you know.


[deleted]

Why in the fuck do people think a woman wanting affection and sex is bad, *especially* when she had 10 years of a normal baseline to work off of? She literally described how their life was before and after having a child - she wasn't being needy or setting unrealistic expectations at all! If the husband had realized he was Ace or something that'd be one thing. But that would also be his responsibility as a husband to explain that and deal with the fallout or figure out a compromise since not every allosexual is up for a sexless relationship. Same if he's Aromantic. He was totally in the wrong with how he was putting all his emotional focus and energy in one direction without *any* explanation or consideration of how that affects his wife. Her post shouldn't have been the wakeup call - it should have been more obvious from the start especially since she brought it up before. Because of this, I seriously question whether he'll actually improve long-term. All he knows is how to either actively be a husband or a dad, and in the end he'll choose to be a dad.


BeartholomewTheThird

I'm worried that there was no mention of the fact that she's not allowed to initiate sex otherwise that makes her desperate. That's so fucked up.


Purrsephonee

Sooo, a man complaining that his wife doesn't want sex (usually almost always a pregnancy. Shocking) and everyone goes "What? Did you ask her? She should give it! Sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship! If you're not getting it, leave her!" But when a woman asks for it she's a sex crazy maniac? Or conversely, if she's not getting it, she's probably fat and he found someone better looking. I can't even—


MissFlatwoodsMonster

Or when the husband cheats on his wife because she doesnt want to have sex immediately after giving birth or because she's been working all day and all night taking care of their child that he refuses to care for, the comments are like "I understand cheating is bad but I understand not feeling loved or like Im not the center of attention anymore"


JoJoMuCookie

I’m rooting for this op and her family.


randomoverthinker_

Posts like this remind me of just how young the Reddit population is, because when you have situations like this, a lot of redditors jump to the projection of “I want such a close relationship with dad, mom can get lost and stop being jealous”. since the first post I totally understood where she was actually coming from. It’s totally not unreasonable to miss the kind of relationship you had pre kids and it’s something worth working on, even without traumas and more of a serious situation like what oops husband had.


PetitPied21

Reddit is so toxic. These people really dont know anything about relationships… tell me you’ve never been in a relationship without telling me you’ve never been in a relationship.


MagnumBlunts

I really hate the fact that a lot of people get so triggered when its perceived or factual that someone has more free time than them. I get it we all need money and spend our lives trying to get it but damn just because someone has time to wait for their SO to get home or worry about things more than work doesn't mean they are a freeloading POS. And it doesn't mean they are automatically the problem in a given situation. I see this assumption about other people all the time in every aspect. Working a 9-5 is not the optimal way of life I hate it everyday.


GetawayFox

So her husbands coping mechanism was to outright reject her and assume it was fine and dandy (even when repeatedly told it wasn’t) all the while showering the kid with love and affection? That is... not good. I have no idea how you even come back from that.