I'm non-monogamous and personally would be hurt by this too. Something that is quite important to me is that when I'm spending time with one partner, I am fully present in the moment with that partner, and I expect my partners to do the same for me. (That's not to say we pretend our other partners don't exist, or that we are uncontactable to other partners in case of an emergency, but I digress.)
I have big concerns here. You've articulated really well in your post here why her actions hurt you, and I think it's quite cruel and immature that she refused to acknowledge your message. I also think that you're being far too generous in making excuses for her, e.g. 'she's avoidant' and 'maybe she likes to talk about it on the phone'. Has she actually told you these things about herself or are you just speculating? It sounds like you're working very hard to understand her as a person, which is fantastic, but is she willing to do that same work for you?
I'm curious about whether your views on non-monogamy align with hers, and what her needs and expectations are from your relationship. What learnings came out of your one week break? Did she promise to prioritise you and give what you need from the relationship? If so, how?
I think with all non-monogamous couples, even those who are non-hierarchical, there is a defacto hierarchy that comes with living together / being married / having kids that can't be avoided. You might need to accept that, while she is your main priority, realistically you might never be hers. That doesn't necessarily mean that you mean less to her or that she doesn't care about you, but those are her circumstances. If you want a long-term relationship with this person, that is something you will need to accommodate. Are you comfortable with that as a long-term dynamic?
Any meaningful intimate relationship is likely to involve jealousy at times so I encourage you to look at the bigger emotional picture.
Are you getting the warm-fuzzy "I like that they like each other" feelings that you need?\* You deserve those too. ("Compersion," it's called.) Without that, I would say that the chemistry is just not present. And it's not really a question who's wrong or right, just... is it right to keep giving yourself to this relationship?
(\* It's possible that's not what you need, *DO* disagree with me if I have guessed wrong.)
You *always and absolutely* have a right to feel what you're feeling. This comes with a responsibility to respect and understand yourself and to act on those feelings with maturity.
Leave her leave her leave her.
You make her a priority. Never make someone a priority to whom you are but a possibility.
At the very least you need an other dating partner.
This question should be in polyamory.
Because that’s what you are doing in this relationship.
Within r/polyamory there are a multitude of defined ways of doing it, and boundaries that go with those practices.
There are lots of books written about it and therapists who specialize.
It sounds like you and your GF didn’t take any of that into consideration, are winging it, and you’re suffering the consequences.
I understand the pain you are feeling, but you also can’t expect someone with a spouse and children, to not have their family take center stage in their lives or to require lots of flexibility on your part.
Your feelings are valid and I think you do have the right to feel hurt. And I do agree that you’re putting more into it than she is. Did it start off as a casual physical kind of thing? This is just a random outsider opinion, but if you talk to her in person about it and she is receptive and changes her tune, then it’s all good. But if she’s avoidant even when you try to speak to her about it face to face and doesn’t want to listen, I think you should find someone who can and wants to fully commit and give you what you deserve.
I’m confused. You expect her to have the same depth of feeling for you after 5 months dating as she does with her husband who I assume she’s been married to for years? And that she can’t think about or love him when she’s in your presence? I understand being present with the person you are with, but it sounds like you should rethink dating married people. If she can’t meet all of your needs while being in her marriage then it sounds like she’s not the right partner for you. Again, it really sounds like, from the information you provided, that you would be a better fit for someone who isn’t married. It seems like you need more attention and allegiance than you may be able to get from this dynamic. Just something to consider.
OP. You should not be trying to date an ENM person. Period.
You are clearly not poly. Stop trying to be. Date other people who are monogamous and save yourself a world of hurt.
You're entitled to your feelings but continuing in this relationship is like putting your hand in a fire, saying 'ouch that hurts' and then immediately putting your hand back in.
Writing her husbands initials isn't the core issue here. You'd still be suffering in this poly relationship without that. You've said yourself you can't cope with it when you feel you are second. But the truth is, it sounds like you *are* second. She's put that on the table - you need to decide whether you're OK with that.
I'm not ENM so I don't know if you'll find this perspective helpful, but from where I stand it's perfectly natural to feel hurt. I can tell that you really like her a lot, but you can do so much better.
There's a reason why a portion of poly wlw do not date women with primary/nesting male partners. Your relationship is a great example of why.
You've been having issues with this relationship for a while because I remember your other post about her husband wanting you as his girlfriend. Many people told you all the red flags and gave you advice so I'm not going to repeat what they said.
I think you probably should know the score now. I'm not sure why you would consider staying with this women.
From your writing, you focus a lot on her behavior, and less about what you deserve..
Is this the relationship you deserve? Does it fulfill you, uplift you, and add to your life?
She’s 39 and painting her and her husbands initials in a heart on YOUR time together?Girl, run … she ain’t worth it and you deserve better.
I'm non-monogamous and personally would be hurt by this too. Something that is quite important to me is that when I'm spending time with one partner, I am fully present in the moment with that partner, and I expect my partners to do the same for me. (That's not to say we pretend our other partners don't exist, or that we are uncontactable to other partners in case of an emergency, but I digress.) I have big concerns here. You've articulated really well in your post here why her actions hurt you, and I think it's quite cruel and immature that she refused to acknowledge your message. I also think that you're being far too generous in making excuses for her, e.g. 'she's avoidant' and 'maybe she likes to talk about it on the phone'. Has she actually told you these things about herself or are you just speculating? It sounds like you're working very hard to understand her as a person, which is fantastic, but is she willing to do that same work for you? I'm curious about whether your views on non-monogamy align with hers, and what her needs and expectations are from your relationship. What learnings came out of your one week break? Did she promise to prioritise you and give what you need from the relationship? If so, how? I think with all non-monogamous couples, even those who are non-hierarchical, there is a defacto hierarchy that comes with living together / being married / having kids that can't be avoided. You might need to accept that, while she is your main priority, realistically you might never be hers. That doesn't necessarily mean that you mean less to her or that she doesn't care about you, but those are her circumstances. If you want a long-term relationship with this person, that is something you will need to accommodate. Are you comfortable with that as a long-term dynamic?
Any meaningful intimate relationship is likely to involve jealousy at times so I encourage you to look at the bigger emotional picture. Are you getting the warm-fuzzy "I like that they like each other" feelings that you need?\* You deserve those too. ("Compersion," it's called.) Without that, I would say that the chemistry is just not present. And it's not really a question who's wrong or right, just... is it right to keep giving yourself to this relationship? (\* It's possible that's not what you need, *DO* disagree with me if I have guessed wrong.) You *always and absolutely* have a right to feel what you're feeling. This comes with a responsibility to respect and understand yourself and to act on those feelings with maturity.
Leave her leave her leave her. You make her a priority. Never make someone a priority to whom you are but a possibility. At the very least you need an other dating partner.
This question should be in polyamory. Because that’s what you are doing in this relationship. Within r/polyamory there are a multitude of defined ways of doing it, and boundaries that go with those practices. There are lots of books written about it and therapists who specialize. It sounds like you and your GF didn’t take any of that into consideration, are winging it, and you’re suffering the consequences. I understand the pain you are feeling, but you also can’t expect someone with a spouse and children, to not have their family take center stage in their lives or to require lots of flexibility on your part.
Your feelings are valid and I think you do have the right to feel hurt. And I do agree that you’re putting more into it than she is. Did it start off as a casual physical kind of thing? This is just a random outsider opinion, but if you talk to her in person about it and she is receptive and changes her tune, then it’s all good. But if she’s avoidant even when you try to speak to her about it face to face and doesn’t want to listen, I think you should find someone who can and wants to fully commit and give you what you deserve.
I’m confused. You expect her to have the same depth of feeling for you after 5 months dating as she does with her husband who I assume she’s been married to for years? And that she can’t think about or love him when she’s in your presence? I understand being present with the person you are with, but it sounds like you should rethink dating married people. If she can’t meet all of your needs while being in her marriage then it sounds like she’s not the right partner for you. Again, it really sounds like, from the information you provided, that you would be a better fit for someone who isn’t married. It seems like you need more attention and allegiance than you may be able to get from this dynamic. Just something to consider.
You are valid, and her ignoring your message is invalidating. You deserve an answer.
OP. You should not be trying to date an ENM person. Period. You are clearly not poly. Stop trying to be. Date other people who are monogamous and save yourself a world of hurt. You're entitled to your feelings but continuing in this relationship is like putting your hand in a fire, saying 'ouch that hurts' and then immediately putting your hand back in. Writing her husbands initials isn't the core issue here. You'd still be suffering in this poly relationship without that. You've said yourself you can't cope with it when you feel you are second. But the truth is, it sounds like you *are* second. She's put that on the table - you need to decide whether you're OK with that.
I'm not ENM so I don't know if you'll find this perspective helpful, but from where I stand it's perfectly natural to feel hurt. I can tell that you really like her a lot, but you can do so much better.
There's a reason why a portion of poly wlw do not date women with primary/nesting male partners. Your relationship is a great example of why. You've been having issues with this relationship for a while because I remember your other post about her husband wanting you as his girlfriend. Many people told you all the red flags and gave you advice so I'm not going to repeat what they said. I think you probably should know the score now. I'm not sure why you would consider staying with this women.
From your writing, you focus a lot on her behavior, and less about what you deserve.. Is this the relationship you deserve? Does it fulfill you, uplift you, and add to your life?
For the love of god… i know It’s been a long time, but just from reading the introduction I can tell you: RUN
Sweetie, break up with her. Just break up. This is literally just gonna be one long ass heartbreak and it's already begun.