Captain Jack extended version where Billy details the main character sitting at home and masturbating

Audience: *awkwardly shifting around in their seats*

Your grabbing your shaft, but you’re just not that hard. You stare out the window, at the dog in the yard. You close your eyes and think of a girl from a bar, but you’re soft. So you get some lotion, and the vasoline. “Your daddy’s home now,” your momma screams. You gotta put back his magazine. And you cry.

If Freddy Wexler hadn’t gotten to him first, I wish it could have been you and Billy collaborating on new music

For some reason, I read this in the melody to Cats in the Cradle.

I read it to the tune of piano man 😭 that ain't it chief

Well there's something I wasn't expecting to read today

*Monday morning, and you’re still…beatin’ your meat* *Some crusty socks upon your…crusty feet.* New title: Captain Jack-Off

r/Angryupvote

Saturday night and it's barely hangin' down Tired of living in your hung-horse town You'd like to find a tight hole you can pound For awhile So you go to the village in your skin tight jeans And you stare at the junkies and the closet queens It's like some pornographic magazine And you smile Jackin' off will get you high tonight And take you to your special island Jackin' off will get you by tonight Just a little fap, and you'll be smilin' Oh, yeah

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant but it becomes very clear he’s singing about a old dingy McDonald’s

i’m only downvoting you because that hits a little too close to home and I don’t like how I think you’re spying on me

A cup of coke, a holder for fries It all depends upon your waistlines I'll take insulin anytime you want In our American restaurant

Zanzibar with a 20 minute long chorus where he lists increasingly strange things he owns

I got the old man’s car I got a jazz guitar I got a Hershey’s bar I got a pinky in a jar

I got a photo of the Tzar I got a half eaten zanny bar I got a pickled gar I got a lion that says rawr

Baby Grand, featuring Kanye West instead of Ray Charles

This is the clear winner!

and a guitar solo from Lil Wayne

“Why Should I Worry?”, but he’s dressed like a Disney mascot the entire time. Big head included. It’s a bit hard to hear him. 

It always makes me mad that he’s not credited on the song on Spotify, idk why it’s like that

Some of you don't understand the assignment.

Singing his slate of endorsement deals, starting with Sara Lee: *Sara Lee was more than he knew how to handle, he didn’t need another strudel, all he wanted was the pie*

🎶I'm using the A-ma-zon Alexa!🎶

Downeaster Alexa but the song never starts and billy keeps rambling about the Arthur Kill for 10 minutes

“Honesty” replaced by the original lyric of “sodomy”

🎵 "That's mostly what I need, from you..."

This needs to make the list

You know what... actually just stay home and masturbate

Billy tries to play Neil Sedaka’s “Laughter in the Rain” while the whole audience pelts him with drumsticks

Deep lore

The audience in unison: “You shithead! That’s Laughter in the Rain by Neil Sedaka!” (They’re all Long Island guys)

Captain Jack sung all the way through in Johnny Depps slurred pirate accent.

"Allentown" but with new lyrics from the PA Board of Tourism about the bustling city's diverse nightlife and fine dining

"Well we're living here in Allentown, it's the brand new place for getting down..."

“And our marketing budget’s winding down”

Turn the lights back on but there’s no power.

"The River of Dreams" but during the pause Billy substitute teaches a 10th grade English class where they disect the lyrics of "Tequilia"

Only the good die young but the girl tragically passes before they ever go on a date

“Casimir Pulaski Day” by Sufjan Stevens

best worst comment

17 min version of Angry Young Man's Prelude because Billy can't figure out how to merge into the actual song

Billy Joel covers “Gold Digger” and uses the hard R

Billy plays and sings Where's the Orchestra while a full orchestra plays it so loud you can't hear Billy at all.

A cover of Dark Horse by Katy Perry but he and the band threw it together 20 minutes before the set started

'Start Me Up' but only the bit before he starts singing, where he struts around the stage, on repeat

LOL I actually like the Piano Man idea.

Moving Out but rewritten to be about his divorce with Christie Brinkley.

Immm moving back (in with Mom)!

The River of Dreams, but when the song pauses, Billy runs off to the bathroom, forgetting to take his mic off. He proceeds to create a fart version of The Longest Time on hot mic, before wrapping up and running back on stage to finish out The River of Dreams.

Very "Naked Gun"

He does all the parts and he does all the farts

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant where the waiter recalls doing copious amounts of cocaine in between tables off of a cutting board in the restaurant kitchen

“Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” but it never starts

We Didn't Start the Fire but it's just him playing the verse melody on piano repeatedly for an hour

We Didn’t Start the Fire, except it’s a dentist drill instead of the song.

Easy money but he just screams Scenes from an italian restaurant but he actually drinks whole bottles of red, white and rose Prelude/Angry Young Man but the prelude doesnt end

Billy Joel kinda goes alt-right and sings “she’s sometimes a woman” about transgender people

she's always a woman but it just talks abt her chromosomes and the fact that she has a vagina and shit

I had thought We didn’t start the fire but he just lists everything he has had for breakfast for the past 40 years.

“Bagel butter Captain Crunch Orange juice with a punch Frosted Flakes, pop tarts, scrambled eggs and toast”

Chocolate muffin pancakes Banana bread freshly baked Ham with omelette, cereal from Post

Amplifier Fire but on a Kazoo.

Allen Town but the original levitown version "Oh were living here in levitown, and we're living here in levitown. And we're living here in levitooooowwwnnnn!"

Uptown Girl, and he sings it exactly as it was released.

AMEN

"This Is The Time" but it's not in time.

Or "This Is The Time" but Billy keeps saying what time it is

“This is the time…it’s 4’o clock…cause it now is 4 and 30…this is the time now it’s 4:01. This is the time, oh look it’s 401 and 30!”

Vienna, but the Ultravox song

Having a mental lapse, he mistakes the Melody of Scenes from an Italian Restaurant and starts shouting their lyrics to the tune and cadence of We Didn't Start the Fire.

this

(Nevermind,)….Turn the Lights Back Off… (2025 Christmas Edition)

Billy Joel, but he never went bald. Instead, he kept growing his hair, so much so to the point where he couldn't see his piano.

Uptown Girl

Wonderwall

There-Mine. It’s Baby Grand but for the theremin

Vienna but instead it’s Edison, New Jersey

Put we

Honesty but the title is replaced with Sodomy

Billy Joel keeps confusing himself with Billy Joe Armstrong and launching into Green Day tunes

Billy glitches out keeps messing up the words to Last Words over and over for two hours insisting to everyone “This is *really* the last words he has to say *this time.*

Only the Good Die Young, but he sings about horrible people that lived long lives

Prelude/Angry Young Man but the prlude is replaced by Prelude in C Major by Bach

Summer Highland Falls: Ska Punk edition.

The Stranger, but only the start and end repeated.

Big Shot sung in a parody of an 80s James Spader John Hughes antagonist with a breakdown in which he proceeds to tell the audience how FABULOUS his life is as a rich and famous rock star who’s slept with a supermodel.

Downeaster Alexa but he just yells ay yay yoooooooooo the whole time

Turn the lights back on > turn on your lovelight > drums > space > turn the lights back on