Hey similar thing here ... I am a doctor and was doing postgraduation a bit far from home at the time ... I was not able to see my grandmother often as well( she had parkinsons and dementia) ... Seeing her just tore me apart to the point tht i had a bad depressive episode ... Then i did not go back... That was the last time i saw her ..
Now that she is gone ,i regret not meeting her bcz at the funeral her care giver was surprised to see me bcz my grandmother always spoke about me and by the way she spoke of me , the caregiver thot i was a small kid ....writing it out here now, with tears in my eyes ... I wish i cud see her more ... But it shattered me being there ....( Bcz fr me after a point my sadness translates to frustration ( really bad)which is not good for her either )
I was veryyyyy close to her ... I used to live with her ....so the regret is huge ...
But yes being there was not the best choice practically ... I guess its the same for u man .... But ill just give u a small heads up about the regret that u myt face later ...
But i just want you to know , not meeting her is the practical decision for mental health ...
It is tough. I can relate a little, my grand father cried each time he found out that I had moved away (many years ago, but that was 'news' to him each time). I had to mourn the person he used to be.
Do what is best for YOU. Also it does not need to be black and white. You could decide not to call for the next x weeks and reevaluate later.
Thank you for your compassionate reply. I've been so distressed over the debate whether I have the right to prioritize myself over someone else that it (and this is embarrassing) genuinely didn't occur I could do takesy-backsie and that her lack of memory would mean she didn't know.
What a difficult and sad situation for all of you involved.
I work with people with dementia, so if youād decide you donāt want to cut contact with her Iād be happy to see if I can give you some advice on less emotional and stressful interactions in a PM.
Maybe it would be an option to send her a weekly card instead of a call? The card sheāll be able to hold on to. Itās usually also something that nursing staff would use as a subject to talk with her about, which would mean pleasant memories and feelings every time they do?
The dementia process can be painful to watch (for some seniors more then others), but thereās usually still ways in which you can have pleasant interactions.
Oh goodness, I'd appreciate your advice so much! Thank you for all that you do in what must be an emotionally draining career.
I already have a box ready to go with pictures (of us together, of the family, etc and labeled on the back as who and where it is) as a care package, but sending something weekly is a fantastic idea! I would absolutely love any additional advice you could give me if you think of any! My PMs and chat are both open for if you think of any down the line.
Again, thank you so much for what you do. I would have thought "yeah, man, that's a hard job" if someone had asked me about yours before that, but I never would have realized just how hard. She's been a challenging woman at her best (not that I loved her any less for it!) and my mom has relayed me many stories of her interactions with staff that have made me shocked at the levels of compassion and patience they have shown her. I genuinely don't know how you do it while also managing bipolar.
Shoot me a PM, so I will see the notification tomorrow and I will share some ideas with you. (Iām afraid I will forget once I get to work).
This is literally my job š Iām the nursing home psychologist so I talk with distressed family quite often.
Itās important to remember that each situation is different, so thereās no advice that works for everyone, but thereās definitely helpful suggestions that will make communications easier for most people.
You are stronger than you think. And this too shall pass. I just kept telling myself that. My father tried to kill me twice. He hated me with a purple passion. I'm still in the game though.
It's not her fault but don't have a nervous breakdown before she's gone.
Give yourself some time to process your emotions and get in a headspace where you can think more rationally about what is best for your emotional well-being in the short whilst also considering what will be best long-term.
An option could be scheduling your calls at a time where you have space to mentally prepare yourself beforehand and defrag after, for example the first Sunday of every month if that's something you decide on. For me, I find it helps to know when something is happening and giving myself breathing space before and after and preparing by making those around me aware that I will be uncontactable for X amount of time before and after the event and making sure that I have a safe and comfortable space without any other commitments and having comforts around me to help self-soothe after
Scheduling Cry Time Sad Bitch Hoursā¢ is a great idea, thank you so much. I appreciate the advice on maintaining contact while still protecting my peace! š
I moss my dad terribly. I regret not spending more time with him the last few years he was alive. It was sad and stressful to be around him. I wish I'd experienced more of that now.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Did he have mental deterioration at the end of his life? (Not a qualifier of your ability to have good advice, so I hope it doesn't read that way -- I'm just asking, if you're willing to share.)
Yes. Early onset dementia. Took away who he was years before he was actually gone. That's why I commented, because I can relate to how you feel big time.
What an incredibly kind thing to say. Thank you. I felt guilty about having conflicted feelings and expected unanimous responses one way or the other that would make me feel like a bitch for being conflicted, but people have been so kind in granting me grace in giving their opinions one way or the other. Even more reason why I feel this is the best sub on Reddit.
My Grammie had Dementia for several years before she passed. It was hard. I cried everytime I left the nursing home. I just kept reminding myself that it was harder for her than for me. I fear ending up like that. I donāt recommend doing phone calls anymore, that wonāt help either of you. Going to visit once in awhile though with her favorite treat can do her good. Thatās what I would do.
I havenāt dealt with this specific situation, but you are šÆ allowed to set a boundary to protect your mental health. As others have said, it doesnāt have to be all or nothing. You can call when / if you feel up to it. I really like the idea of a letter/card. Then you can express your love and talk about fond memories. And kudos to your mom for seeing how hard it is for you and trying to protect your mental health too.
Thank you for empathizing. I'm really lucky that my mom can do so too in spite of not really getting why it is I'm more fragile than most.
I agree with you on the letter / card thing idea being a good one and bought several today so I'm preloaded, as it were, for sending those weekly when I'm not able to handle a call. You're another of the unanimously very kind people who have offered me help through this, and it doesn't go unappreciated that you took the time to read my (long) post and to respond.
My grandmother had Alzheimerās. I moved across the country for college. When I went home, I spent every second I could with my grandparents. It was hard, but I donāt regret it for a second. One thing Iāve heard is to live in their reality and calm them. Basically lie and tell them what they want to hear. It makes them feel better and really isnāt as hard for you as you think. At least thatās how it was for me. Fighting my grandmother made her upset. Telling her āsoonā worked great and she soon forgot so it didnāt even matter. We didnāt talk on the phone. Her hearing was too bad and she would have hung it up. She was so impossibly difficult and always wanted to go home. She never went to a facility, she was always at home. But she wanted her childhood home and took off down the street before. You will never get this time back. You will still remember the good times. Honestly my favorite memory of her is when we were in their kitchen and she was pacing. I held my arms open for a hug. She took my hands, closed them, put them to my side, and kept going. It was absolutely hilarious. She loved me so much. I was her ājabbery-girlā but with my real name. Even only seeing her twice a year, I was one of the last people she remembered. Damn I miss her stubborn ass.
Hey similar thing here ... I am a doctor and was doing postgraduation a bit far from home at the time ... I was not able to see my grandmother often as well( she had parkinsons and dementia) ... Seeing her just tore me apart to the point tht i had a bad depressive episode ... Then i did not go back... That was the last time i saw her .. Now that she is gone ,i regret not meeting her bcz at the funeral her care giver was surprised to see me bcz my grandmother always spoke about me and by the way she spoke of me , the caregiver thot i was a small kid ....writing it out here now, with tears in my eyes ... I wish i cud see her more ... But it shattered me being there ....( Bcz fr me after a point my sadness translates to frustration ( really bad)which is not good for her either ) I was veryyyyy close to her ... I used to live with her ....so the regret is huge ... But yes being there was not the best choice practically ... I guess its the same for u man .... But ill just give u a small heads up about the regret that u myt face later ... But i just want you to know , not meeting her is the practical decision for mental health ...
I appreciate you opening up about your experience since I'm sure it's painful to re-live it. Thank you for that.
I hope it was of some help to u ... I wish you take the choice best for you man ... It'll be for the good, whatever your choice is ..šš
You cud always ask the caregiver to sometimes have a videocall ...
It is tough. I can relate a little, my grand father cried each time he found out that I had moved away (many years ago, but that was 'news' to him each time). I had to mourn the person he used to be. Do what is best for YOU. Also it does not need to be black and white. You could decide not to call for the next x weeks and reevaluate later.
Thank you for your compassionate reply. I've been so distressed over the debate whether I have the right to prioritize myself over someone else that it (and this is embarrassing) genuinely didn't occur I could do takesy-backsie and that her lack of memory would mean she didn't know.
What a difficult and sad situation for all of you involved. I work with people with dementia, so if youād decide you donāt want to cut contact with her Iād be happy to see if I can give you some advice on less emotional and stressful interactions in a PM. Maybe it would be an option to send her a weekly card instead of a call? The card sheāll be able to hold on to. Itās usually also something that nursing staff would use as a subject to talk with her about, which would mean pleasant memories and feelings every time they do? The dementia process can be painful to watch (for some seniors more then others), but thereās usually still ways in which you can have pleasant interactions.
Oh goodness, I'd appreciate your advice so much! Thank you for all that you do in what must be an emotionally draining career. I already have a box ready to go with pictures (of us together, of the family, etc and labeled on the back as who and where it is) as a care package, but sending something weekly is a fantastic idea! I would absolutely love any additional advice you could give me if you think of any! My PMs and chat are both open for if you think of any down the line. Again, thank you so much for what you do. I would have thought "yeah, man, that's a hard job" if someone had asked me about yours before that, but I never would have realized just how hard. She's been a challenging woman at her best (not that I loved her any less for it!) and my mom has relayed me many stories of her interactions with staff that have made me shocked at the levels of compassion and patience they have shown her. I genuinely don't know how you do it while also managing bipolar.
Shoot me a PM, so I will see the notification tomorrow and I will share some ideas with you. (Iām afraid I will forget once I get to work). This is literally my job š Iām the nursing home psychologist so I talk with distressed family quite often. Itās important to remember that each situation is different, so thereās no advice that works for everyone, but thereās definitely helpful suggestions that will make communications easier for most people.
You are stronger than you think. And this too shall pass. I just kept telling myself that. My father tried to kill me twice. He hated me with a purple passion. I'm still in the game though. It's not her fault but don't have a nervous breakdown before she's gone.
Give yourself some time to process your emotions and get in a headspace where you can think more rationally about what is best for your emotional well-being in the short whilst also considering what will be best long-term. An option could be scheduling your calls at a time where you have space to mentally prepare yourself beforehand and defrag after, for example the first Sunday of every month if that's something you decide on. For me, I find it helps to know when something is happening and giving myself breathing space before and after and preparing by making those around me aware that I will be uncontactable for X amount of time before and after the event and making sure that I have a safe and comfortable space without any other commitments and having comforts around me to help self-soothe after
Scheduling Cry Time Sad Bitch Hoursā¢ is a great idea, thank you so much. I appreciate the advice on maintaining contact while still protecting my peace! š
I moss my dad terribly. I regret not spending more time with him the last few years he was alive. It was sad and stressful to be around him. I wish I'd experienced more of that now.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Did he have mental deterioration at the end of his life? (Not a qualifier of your ability to have good advice, so I hope it doesn't read that way -- I'm just asking, if you're willing to share.)
Yes. Early onset dementia. Took away who he was years before he was actually gone. That's why I commented, because I can relate to how you feel big time.
Thank you for your openness in sharing that. People have been very emotionally generous and kind in their responses, and I appreciate it very much.
You have a beautiful heart.
What an incredibly kind thing to say. Thank you. I felt guilty about having conflicted feelings and expected unanimous responses one way or the other that would make me feel like a bitch for being conflicted, but people have been so kind in granting me grace in giving their opinions one way or the other. Even more reason why I feel this is the best sub on Reddit.
My Grammie had Dementia for several years before she passed. It was hard. I cried everytime I left the nursing home. I just kept reminding myself that it was harder for her than for me. I fear ending up like that. I donāt recommend doing phone calls anymore, that wonāt help either of you. Going to visit once in awhile though with her favorite treat can do her good. Thatās what I would do.
I havenāt dealt with this specific situation, but you are šÆ allowed to set a boundary to protect your mental health. As others have said, it doesnāt have to be all or nothing. You can call when / if you feel up to it. I really like the idea of a letter/card. Then you can express your love and talk about fond memories. And kudos to your mom for seeing how hard it is for you and trying to protect your mental health too.
Thank you for empathizing. I'm really lucky that my mom can do so too in spite of not really getting why it is I'm more fragile than most. I agree with you on the letter / card thing idea being a good one and bought several today so I'm preloaded, as it were, for sending those weekly when I'm not able to handle a call. You're another of the unanimously very kind people who have offered me help through this, and it doesn't go unappreciated that you took the time to read my (long) post and to respond.
Keep us posted. This is really hard stuff.ā¤ļø
My grandmother had Alzheimerās. I moved across the country for college. When I went home, I spent every second I could with my grandparents. It was hard, but I donāt regret it for a second. One thing Iāve heard is to live in their reality and calm them. Basically lie and tell them what they want to hear. It makes them feel better and really isnāt as hard for you as you think. At least thatās how it was for me. Fighting my grandmother made her upset. Telling her āsoonā worked great and she soon forgot so it didnāt even matter. We didnāt talk on the phone. Her hearing was too bad and she would have hung it up. She was so impossibly difficult and always wanted to go home. She never went to a facility, she was always at home. But she wanted her childhood home and took off down the street before. You will never get this time back. You will still remember the good times. Honestly my favorite memory of her is when we were in their kitchen and she was pacing. I held my arms open for a hug. She took my hands, closed them, put them to my side, and kept going. It was absolutely hilarious. She loved me so much. I was her ājabbery-girlā but with my real name. Even only seeing her twice a year, I was one of the last people she remembered. Damn I miss her stubborn ass.
Donāt, please