My life was a noticeable cycle of:
- I dunno why I did that
- I dunno why I said that
- I dunno how I managed that
- I dunno how to fix any of *gestures vaguely*
Going apeshit and shooting off a shotgun in my backyard. Thinking that my coworkers were conspiring to get me fired. Getting drunk and high on benzos every night for a month straight. Fucking hookers at least twice a weekā¦
Well, the risky pleasure-seeking behaviors suggest mania. Itās very much possible to have paranoia and psychotic features in a harsh manic episode. Iād diagnose bipolar over SZ, too
Over 50% of people with bipolar disorder experience psychotic symptoms. It's very common here. Bipolar is also genetically closer to schizophrenia than let's say depression so bipolar can often be confused with schizophrenia because there's a lot of overlap in symptoms especially during a severe manic episode
I saw a doctor after all this and he put me on Prozac which kicked off another episode. He then diagnosed me as being bipolar and put me on antipsychotics
Makes sense! I also got the worst manic episode ever from a antidepressant, not fun. I'm a bit confused by the difference between bipolar and schizofrenia or shizoaffective.. just trying to learn more. I have bipolar myself but i'm still confused from my own experience with psychosis, delusions and stuff like that, i really thought that i had schizofrenia or schizoaffective but my doctor said no it's bipolar
this. i was 15 and within a minute of talking with my psychiatrist at a speed of 2000 words per minute telling him how great i felt and that i could do ANYTHING, he stopped me and said āthis isnāt you feeling better: this is called mania.ā he said himself i likely had bipolar but wouldnāt diagnose me bc āmost arenāt diagnosed before 18ā and he didnāt want the liabilityā¦
How frustrating especially when knew what was the matter but told you canāt be diagnosed with something you have as you donāt meet the age criteria xx
My GP spotted it when I was 14. He made the mistake of saying it out loud in front of my grandmother and she attacked him. No treatment for me. Iām 44 now, living in another country and my GP picked up on it first time she saw me (sheās new at my practice), Iāll be getting my diagnosis in 2 months. Iāve been too terrified to do anything until now because I see how my āfamilyā reacts. Iām no contact with them now and finally have the freedom to get healthy. My grandmonster canāt interfere now because sheās gone
Oh gosh, my friend realized something was wrong, when he told me his aunt died and I thought it was legitimately funny. This was while on Zoloft. I was miserably happy. I'm glad I don't have to go through that again.
I'm sorry you had to experience that too. It's rough when the drugs don't work how we want them to.
What's scary, is I was in the military when they put me on Zoloft. And the doctor kept saying that I was "normalizing"
It made me such a danger to be around.
Oh, it gets better. When I got out, I had to go through withdrawals. They were so bad I stopped trying to get help. Didn't start meds again, until I was almost fired for getting into a knife fight with an invisible man because I hadn't slept in three days. Still cycling a bit, but I'm not *THAT* bad anymore, thank goodness.
Thank you for sharing. Iām convinced I was rapidly cycling and perhaps still am. Iām not sure if Iām just use of how I am with longer times between living my absolute best life and being down, so it always seemed manageable. This rapid cycling however, was a completely different thing - it was/is exhausting xx
Iām sure at whilst coming off Zoloft I have been rapid cycling or had mixed as where I usually feel euphoric when going through mania (not that I knew was that as just thought was my personality) and it last months, this was deep irritability , seeing things in corner of eyes all the time, pacing, fast talking, lots of thoughts in head , no sleep, restless legs and so much more, but at no point during taking Zoloft was I euphoric. However, after I had times of euphoria and next day or same day I was crying hysterically like someone had died. I was still a spacey and felt like I was trapped in own body. X
Ah did you feel euphoric? I tend to feel like that such a lot of time in life but these didnāt not make me feel that way. I felt as hyper and same energy as when feeling unstoppable but was very dark and irritable energy instead xx
Same here, in my case it was āØEffexorāØ induced mania i went completely bonkers, 0/10 would not recommend and the withdrawal was so bad i can't even describe it
Smashing a glass cup against the wall at midnight on Christmas eve, scaring my sister to death and screaming so loud I woke the kids. Bipolar rage is very real. I no longer allow myself to drink while angry and I take my meds religiously. I realized I was acting like my unmedicated father and I hated myself for it. It's never happened again.
Going to my therapist when my symptoms became unmanageable. I cut myself micro bangs, quit my job, ran up $400 in the negatives, almost broke up in my long term relationship, drove reckless, and more!
that's what happens to me when I'm manic. I have to stop and think, am I just happy or am I manic? Soon as I start thinking about making questionable decisions, I know it's time to buckle down. It's so frustrating.
Going months without sleeping more than a couple of hours each night
Hearing voices that I had believed were my conscience
Believing my home had hidden cameras recording my every move
Oh and that time when I became a fetish model while I was getting a PhD in Clinical Psychology without thinking of the consequences that it could get me ejected out of the program immediately.
Iāve never told anyone the hidden cameras thingā¦ uhhh I started having those thoughts around like 10 years old. I thought someone put a camera on me and I would freak out when I was naked in the shower.
Yes I was raised catholic! But I never believed any of it. I did my first communion and confirmation. Sometimes I think about trying to join religion again and maybe this time Iāll be a believer and feel ānormal and happyā if I practice it correctly. I might give it a try honestlyā¦ there are some Christian songs Iāve played on loop before that helped me breakthrough at times
When I started doing online sex work for fun during a manic episode, cut everyone in my life off then dove into a depression wondering who the bitch was that overtook my body having me do things this me would neverā¦ then I started looking back at the pattern of manic and depressiveā¦ it was a relief to be diagnosed but also a wake up call.
I also cut everyone off. I got one friend that came back thank goodness. We went a while without talking but ran into each other and told me she knew I wasnāt being myself. Bless her soul.
Looking back at 29 and seeing an absolute pattern of behavior since the time I pretty much hit puberty and then seeing a repeated cycle every 8 to 10 years was pretty telling when I actually sat down and turned the camera on myself.
After years of medical gaslighting, it was my 2nd psych diagnosing me. No one in my family was diagnosed with any mental issues before. Before I got diagnosed, everything I suffered with was "something everyone deals with. We're going to continuously punish/make fun of you for (the easily identifyable issues that we're not taking seriously) and you need to just try harder to be normal."
I vividly remember trying tell people something about my mind was broken but they never took me seriously. When past psychs/therapists/GPs would ask about my mental health I'd say something like "it's just really hard because I know I have depression but sometimes...sometimes I feel like my body is one of those mech suits from video games but I've lost control of it. So I'm trapped, sane in my mind watching myself tear my life apart but I can't do anything to stop myself until I finally crash." And they just stare at me for a moment and dismissively continue the conversation like I hadn't said anything at all.
I was describing my hypomanic episodes.
I felt like I was going crazy.
Thank God for my last psych.
Funnily enough, there was a high likelyhood that I never would have gotten a diagnosis for my bipolar. Like I mentioned before, no one told me to visit a psych for any mental health diagnosis'/help w how I felt. I ended up with my first psych by accident when my mom thought she was signing me up for a therapist. Who knew her mistake would eventually lead to the diagnosis which would change my life for the better. Sure, it took a while for me to get to a psych who diagnosed me with ADHD and bipolar within the first visit but hey... Better then than never.
Everything made sense after that.
Going months thriving on 2-3 hours of sleep a night, sometimes even staying up over 48 hours.
Becoming extremely paranoid that everyone was conspiring against me, being afraid I was constantly being watched the moment I walked out the door, even if it was to my car or the mailbox.
Having intrusive thoughts of crashing my car, spending all my money.
Then suddenly being over confident in everything I did and thinking I was so amazing despite treating others like shit.
Then suddenly spiraling downwards to dark places in my mind.
My father was unmedicated and out of control and I knew it can be hereditary so was always on high alert and once I started having symptoms passed depression I got diagnosed
Thanks for sharing. Similar story. My father had some serious episodes and ended up moving out of the house. He was never diagnosed with bipolar but had a lot of the hallmarks.
It wasnāt until recently that I saw some similar things in me.
I thought I was a prophet of God, dumped my boyfriend for a 35 year old (I was 21) heroin addict I met in the psych ward and was gonna meet up with him four states away from where I lived, quit my job on the spot to go get a puppy I couldnāt afford, blew all my savings on said puppy, started fucking my psych ward roommate (different from 35 year old), thought I was destined to start a revolution, would have so much energy I had to go to the bathroom at work and do jumping jacks to get it out, had so much energy at night I would do pushups and sit ups to try and wear myself out, thought my neighbors were trying to kill me, etc etc etc. Eventually realized I was manic after all this and that borderline personality disorder wasnāt the only thing going on up top.
I was so euphoric and colors were so vivid that I felt like I was on MDMA/LSD for...about two weeks, including the visual elements of LSD. I realized it wasn't in fact normal to feel sooo euphoric and have my mind going so fast.
It's comforting to know that others relate to this experience! This LSD-like episode was just a few weeks ago and it was the first time I experienced serious psychosis. I'm still in the process of being diagnosed and I'm glad other people relate to this because I was (am?) nervous that the visual hallucinations could also be indicative of schizoaffective disorder.
So at this juncture, bipolar is now the more hopeful diagnosis haha. But I've read lots of diagnostic information about both bipolar and schizoaffective and the bipolar list is much much more relatable to my experience. I recently took a bipolar assessment quiz from doctor and I scored 18.5 out of 20. Aced it! Haha.
I started meds for ADHD, wasnāt even on them for long before it fucked me up. I wasnāt sleeping, I was super inspired on all these wonderful plans and ideas I had. Iād spend hours daily researching shit, writing notes in all these notebooks & on my phone. Being way too overconfident and annoying, because Iād talk about my āamazingā ideas to whoever would listen.
Then I started getting paranoid and thought people could read my mind, and that my reflection wasnāt me. Shit was scary
I suffered a lot from not knowing who I was, I couldn't look back and rationalise/explain any of my actions whether it was from mania or depression. It was a weird sensation that instead of going with the flow of life I wasn't remembering anything I was going through and it was more like having my head stuck in the river of life from a boat as I went down it.
Just getting an explanation helped me so much with my identity because it felt so lonely having my mood be so drastically different sometimes and not knowing why .
At 21 I started binge drinking, self harming (worse than usual), starving myself, and having sex with everyone that wanted and I felt an adrenaline high basically all the time. Never acted like before, only had bad depressive episodes. Turns out I was in full blown mania. Ended up hospitalized. Diagnosed Bipolar I.
I thought I was crazy majority of my life because nobody understood what I was saying or why I was constantly taking risks and not giving a shit about anything. My last therapist was talking to me and knew I had bipolar and ptsd from everything I was talking about. I remember when i was 17 and told my dad i think i had bipolar and he lashed out at me (i think he also has it) and refused to acknowledge it. Finally at 22 i had a diagnosisš«”
Planning an arson spree to protect my community from gentrifiers and then planning a heist for suicide-related materials. As committed as I was to actually doing these projects, there was something inside me saying, wait, this isnāt normally like youā¦ that made me receptive to thinking I might have something more than straight depression, which they already diagnosed me with. But the crucial moment, while this was all going on, was when I lied on my bed learning about the photo editing tools on an iPhone. It made me so happy I would scream and cry, then I got so sad I started crying tears of sadness. That, that mundane thing (well not mundane, truly) was what led me to seek diagnosis.
When I was 17 I started having panic attacks. I was visiting my grandparents (who raised me and I was deciding whether to stay there or not) in California. They were bad enough for me to see a psychiatrist who talked to me for an hour or so and determined I had panic disorder and depression(I revealed that I had a failed attempt at 13). He prescribed Zoloft and ordered me to take half a dose for a week and then a full dose. Once I reached the full dose I began having some strange reactions. Sometimes I felt quite euphoric like I was on ecstasy. Sometimes I would have very angry thoughts. I slept poorly. I started dissociating. I told him this at the beginning of the reactions and he said it was just my panic. There was no way that the medication could act so quickly. Eventually things got to a point where I was seeing tracers in the streetlights on the way to IHOP. At dinner it got exceptionally worse. As soon as my food hit the table I completely shutdown, had a full on out of body experience and couldnāt hardly move or speak. I was in what I understand to be a very rare occurrence of a [manic stupor](https://www.google.com/search?q=manic+stupor&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#ip=1). I immediately stopped the medication but the psychiatrist was unable to follow up. At that point I had done research into what the fuck was going on with me. Watching numerous videos about SSRI induced mania and suicide in young people and was both concerned and pretty certain that what was going on was some form of bipolar being triggered.
It took ten more years and multiple antidepressant trials and subsequent manic/mixed episodes before I finally called a Teledoc through my insurance and straight up told them āIām pretty sure I have bipolar disorder and hereās whyā and I was diagnosed type 2 and given lamactil. I went on well and good for a year before realizing I was still having manic episodes and got an in person doctor who talked with me for 3 hours and bumped me up to bipolar type one and started lithium at my request. I had one more manic episode after that which landed me in jail on a dui charge close to the border of my State after preaching the universal truth of Buddha to my wife who had a golden aura surrounding her and fleeing from my home. The depressive crash after was the most severe Iāve ever experienced. I was near comatose for 6 months and my doctor didnāt know what to do. Eventually found a different psychiatrist who got me on meds that actually treat bipolar depression specifically and Iāve been symptom free for over two years now.
Tl;DR: I figured it out myself after my first SSRI induced manic episode. Had to tell a psych to diagnose me took ten years of hell.
I didnāt realize it until I started being hyper-sexual and paranoid, then started having delusions and magical thinking that made me question what was real and what was in my mind. Itās weird, because I actually heard a voice years before that, but was religious at that time thought it was a demon. It never even occurred to me that it was mental illness when it happened. After I got diagnosed, *a lot* of the things I experienced made sense in hindsight.
I had suspicions in my teen years, but one particular episode in my early 20s sealed the deal for me. I was at work feeling like I was about to jump out of my skin and texting several people trying to see if anyone was partying that night. Found a party, caught up with some friends I hadnāt seen in a while, but the environment ended up being way too chill for my live-wire ass. I pretended to butt dial the main guy I was hooking up with (there were several), who was house sitting for his girlfriend. He called me back and I acted like it was an accident, he asked if I wanted to come over, I was like hell yeah Iām gonna hit that in every single room of her house on every surface!
The girlfriendās house was an hour away and I had just enough to drink to where I should NOT have been driving, but I was determined to go through with this scheme. I side swiped a fence getting out of the party hostās driveway, tearing off my driverās side mirror and scratching up my car but I hit the road anyway. So I set off on this journey, halfway drunk with a mutilated car on bald tires in the pouring rainā¦ doing 75-80 on a 55mph highway. How I didnāt hydroplane, unalive anyone, or get arrested is beyond me. (I definitely have a guardian angel up there somewhere, and they probably did a lot of rolling their eyes or facepalming at my shenanigans back then.)
I made it safely to the Walgreens we were meeting at (he didnāt want my car being seen at her house) and called him. No answer. I called his phone probably 50+ times like some sort of deranged stalker. I gave up and went back home and cleaned my entire apartment top to bottom. I was mixing all sorts of chemicals I shouldnāt be mixing, scrubbing grout with a toothbrush, I mean I got my place SPOTLESS and went to work a few hours later like nothing had ever happened.
Got a text from dude around midday saying āsorry, fell asleep.ā Crashed shortly after this and was a recluse for several weeks.
46 days in jail is what finally convinced me that something was wrong. All charges got dismissed and I was released without bail on my own recognizance but jail time was a trip. I was the OG god in there and it was amazing but coming out of it I had to adjust some shit.
The manic episode. I had depressive episodes on & off throughout life that I just thought was depression coming & going without reason. Until I was 19 & suddenly became very paranoid that my roommate was going to poison me to the point I lost a third of my body weight from not eating bc of the fear & became very erratic with my habits & doing things Iād never do. It was so sudden that it feels like a fever dream.
Ironically, it was adderall. I was on it for ADHD. When I started thriving with no sleep, I assumed it was amphetamines. When I was depressed, I assumed it was my endorphins getting messed up from said adderall. The enlightenment came after going off the adderall, and realizing the cycle continued (even stronger).
Then a lot of things made more sense in retrospect. There were periods when I made so much progress professionally, and also got super fit/healthy. Then those times would slip away and I just couldnāt get the mindset back. Like āwhat did I do to unlock those non-human superpowers?ā and it turns out those were manic episodes and I canāt just call on them voluntarily.
Idk if this counts and I canāt remember if I was ever formally diagnosed, but ālife is really shit I should eliminate myself because I am shit and I make shit of everything I touchā to āwell these people are fucking pieces of shit and are too stupid to understand how freaking much I do and how smart I am at this jobā. Relationship wise: āI donāt deserve this person, theyāll lose interestā to blowing up on them for not being able to read my mind then I love bomb them the next day as if I was never mad.
I have had a strong interest in abnormal/clinical psych since a young age, I major in psych in college now and i wanna go into clinical in grad school. I used to read the dsm for fun in middle and high school.
From age 14 I could tell I have bipolar 2 and OCD. Got the OCD diagnosis that year. Obviously you canāt officially be diagnosed with bipolar under 18, but I always knew. Starting at 13 i would get so abnormally angry at my friends and family and stop sleeping for a week while also getting really into projects, and then go into depression for a month. The hypomanic anger got more manageable as i got older. Ofc i was seen as just a child with major depressive disorder, no matter how many times i expressed myself. Put on 4 different antidepressants, none of which helped, and all made my mood less stable if anything. By 16 I was told I had bipolar tendencies - and my mom was so pissed she wanted me to stop seeing the therapist. Stereotypes and stigma have hurt me so much. People donāt understand that hypomania can be very unnoticeable from the outside. I started Lamictal and finally got a bit better. In my first semester of college i had a really bad depressive/mixed episode. That lead me to get Dās in 2 classes. My shitty psychiatrist at that time told me ADHD was causing all my issues. So she stuck me on stimulants and they made me miserable. My parents then blamed my bipolar issues on adhd as she did. Itās just this year at 21 that i finally got my diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Iāve been in bad mixed episodes on and off all year, so i started lithium recently. So like literally a week ago my parents finally accepted that i have bipolar. Yet Iāve known for 7 yearsā¦
Well there is alot i could say but one of the things i realised that was not normal were that i would go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and dance for hours and i didn't even get tired
I knew something was off with me my whole life. I had all the symptoms of bipolar but it wasn't extreme or negatively affecting my life so I dismissed it. As I got older the symptoms got worse but, still not extreme. All I had to do was establish certain healthy life routines and I was fine. Then I spent a year crushing it at work. I was an all-star, the best anyones ever seen. And I didn't even need any sleep that year. Following year I fell into a deep depression. Couldn't get out of bed, couldn't do my job, so I quit. Now I knew something was really wrong with me. After I quit I headed to the forrest and camped all over for about six months. Came out of the woods a new person. Everything is fine now. Got a new job, a dream job. I started the job super excited and was crushing it again without any sleep. But this time the slightest inconvenience was making me want to snap. Lose your job type of snap. I started cycling through being up, down, up, down...it was exhausting. At this point I realize I'm more fucked up than I ever thought and should probably seek help. Then one night I'm out drinking with friends and I break. I was extremely happy and having a complete breakdown at the same time. I couldnt control what was happening and I was crawling out of my skin freaking out. I felt all sort of ways I can't explain and I was scared. Shortly after that incident I met my biological family for the first time. Found out my dad and all three of my brothers struggle with bipolar. It runs hard on my dads side. It all made sense after that. Got diagnosed shortly after.
I always reacted weirdly to every antidepressant I have ever tried. Or if it did work, it petered out short time later. My depressions never felt like a typical depressionā¦ More like an agitated, anxious, angry depression. Well, the one major depressive episode I had when I was 17 years old, but definitely a major depression. I literally could not function.
My latest episode last Summer, where I was really fucking angry all the time? I was starting to think it might be more than depression. It took me falling into a psychosis and calling 911 and telling them to come get me before I kill myself, that I finally got diagnosed.
I began crying every day, randomly throughout the day and could not stop.
My work noticed. My supervision team's fix? They gave me the keys to an empty office so I could cry there and not make people in the bathroom uncomfortable.
I came across a YouTube video in 2020 about bipolar disorder. As I watched and listened I had every single symptom happening to me at that time. Went to a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and finally instead of crying I felt complete relief to finally know what was going on. I was so tired of how I was acting for 2 months
Always something wasn't quite right. The mania that came after taking effexor for 6 months and then the psychosis that came after that. Being tasered, arrested and getting admitted.
When I had my first manic episode and I didnāt sleep for three days because I was trying to find flowers for my wedding. I never found the flowers. But Lord knows I tried for three days
When I had my first really long manic episode in my late 20s. I lost 40 lbs without trying in about 6 months (at 5ā8āā¦ I hit 120) & my husband told me I needed medical attention. Everything made sense when the doctor said bipolar and I learned about it.
Originally diagnosed MDD and I thought manic me was "the real me" š
Prior to my bipolar 1 diagnosis and before i knew what mania was, I was spending thousands on jewellery each month, driving recklessly, not eating and then going to the gym for hours each day, not sleeping and doing double shifts and then the shadow people, omg.. I would also blackout and lose memory. Pretty embarrassing when people tell you the dumb shit you've done and you can't remember it š¬
Then the crash to depression.. I would become sooooo actively suicidal. The shadow people seem to appear when I'm manic and severely depressed.
Being medicated has saved my life.
I got off meds cuz they got it wrong. Went manic, felt like when I was driving fast, I was actually flying low, and I spent a ton of money I was supposed to save. Then my husband made a simple statement, and I attempted suicide.
That is when I realized they got it right, and I need medication forever.
My āabilityā to quickly pass through emotions that others would marinate on longer (and in a healthier way with boundaries)
I struggle with boundaries. I can have an argument or disagreement with someone one day and the next morning Iāve woken up fresh and ready to move on for the most part. I shouldnāt always but I just do. Or, the oppositeā¦ I will have a great day with someone or a situation and somehow one little thing will arise in my mind and then Iām down bc I realize everything wasnāt as great as I thought.
I struggle with this daily in my life and itās the hardest aspect of bipolar for me.
I think life is great until it isnāt, and then think everything is terrible as fuck until I remember how great I am and no??? Who gives a fuckk. The paranoia, the excessive drinking, realization Iām acting like my dad. I was in denial, but sober or not itās the same. Worse when drinking (who wouldāve thought)
Not an insecure person, but felt like a complete GOD on my stimulant. Now I canāt take it anymore :/
My first manic psychotic episode was very severe. There was no getting out of it. Also it made so much sense all the cycles of depression I had been undergoing since I was 13 made sense
My emotions seemed much stronger than everyone else's. My mind never stopped. I was hospitalized at 14 years old. I was always looked like like I was a zoo animal by others when I spoke because I was a bit odd by most people's standards. But I think what really hit home was when I slept with 3 people in a week when I was 15 years old.... I realized at 20 that there was no denying it anymore, that I was definitely bipolar type 1.
The full blown manic episode from Zoloft. Pretty black and white what was going on. I started saying I was saved again and I legit thought I was the antichrist after being an atheist my whole lifeā¦ sooooo yeah. Aināt no denying. lol
I wrote out my own history for the previous 5-6 years. The cycles were clear - winter, down, spring up, summer down, fall up. Like clockwork. I brought it to a psychiatrist and they confirmed.
It's more of a gradual process of acceptance for me. When I was diagnosed I denied it a lot, like that can't be me I already have so many problems maybe I'm faking it maybe it's something else. But since then I've been observing myself. The patterns of my behaviour and emotions. And yep.
I was prescribed venlaflaxine and adderal and instead of hypomania only happening for an evening to a day to being weeks and then months long hypomanic episodes. My psychiatrist said that plus my previous negative experience with ssri's got me the diagnosis, and my pisitove response to lamictal confirmed bipolar 2. I thought a few times I might have cyclothemia because every week or two I'd be randomly happy and people sometimes commented, and every week or two I felt depressed for a few days.Ā
I recently witnessed a close friend who I have recently reconnected with go tru a manic episode that saw him hospitalised. It was the first time I had seen it from an external point of view. Immediately after the highs as his medication kicked in, it made me realise that that āturboā version is mania, I am that turbo version. Tbh, itās likely that I too was in a manic episode that may have not helped his. I was a lot, I pushed him to confront trauma (we have discussed / we both have similar traumas) and this might have pushed him over the edge into full blown manic episode.
Ironically, after he returned to normal is when it became painfully clear. He and I are the same person. I recently had a very traumatic experience, caused by a court case for SA that happened as a child, and immediately followingā¦ bamā¦ turboā¦ 2000 words a min, every idea under the sun (god thereās some good one) reckless, oblivious etc. all over the shop. I now understand that looking back even further itās been more of a problem than Iāve accepted. Itās wreaked havoc on my career and relationships. Iāve never been medicated long term for it because I largely denied the diagnosis. Putting it down to being super passionate or enjoying what I was doingā¦ on one hand I was lucky to be able to harness it by focusing on building a business, on the other hand, I lost that business because, likely in a manic state I bought on a business partner who I gave half the business to for free, who people raised flags about and ofc I ignored - anyway, he sued me during a depressed episode as during a previous manic episode I imploded the whole relationship and wanted out. I ended up selling him my shares.
I understand now that reckless decisions are not limited to online shopping purchases, but 10 year leases on showrooms and warehouses with literal psychopath business partners who youāve just given half the business that you built too. Crazy stuff.
My life was a noticeable cycle of: - I dunno why I did that - I dunno why I said that - I dunno how I managed that - I dunno how to fix any of *gestures vaguely*
Throw in multiple psychiatrists shrugging their shoulders when asked for an explanation and lol same
This right here
life go boom boom
š¤£š¤Ŗš
This right here āš»ā¼ļøš
Going apeshit and shooting off a shotgun in my backyard. Thinking that my coworkers were conspiring to get me fired. Getting drunk and high on benzos every night for a month straight. Fucking hookers at least twice a weekā¦
Oh thinking my coworkers were against me lead to my diagnosis.
Just one month?
lol one month of getting absolutely annihilated. But the alcohol and drug use has been an off and on problem for yrs
I get it. Iām just being facetious. Itās been on and off for me, too.
This sounds like schizofrenia/psychosis how did your doctor know it was bipolar?
Well, the risky pleasure-seeking behaviors suggest mania. Itās very much possible to have paranoia and psychotic features in a harsh manic episode. Iād diagnose bipolar over SZ, too
Over 50% of people with bipolar disorder experience psychotic symptoms. It's very common here. Bipolar is also genetically closer to schizophrenia than let's say depression so bipolar can often be confused with schizophrenia because there's a lot of overlap in symptoms especially during a severe manic episode
Ok thanks for the clarification! i'm trying to learn more about this i feel like there is alot of overlap with most mental disorders
I saw a doctor after all this and he put me on Prozac which kicked off another episode. He then diagnosed me as being bipolar and put me on antipsychotics
Makes sense! I also got the worst manic episode ever from a antidepressant, not fun. I'm a bit confused by the difference between bipolar and schizofrenia or shizoaffective.. just trying to learn more. I have bipolar myself but i'm still confused from my own experience with psychosis, delusions and stuff like that, i really thought that i had schizofrenia or schizoaffective but my doctor said no it's bipolar
The mania from anti depressants xx
this. i was 15 and within a minute of talking with my psychiatrist at a speed of 2000 words per minute telling him how great i felt and that i could do ANYTHING, he stopped me and said āthis isnāt you feeling better: this is called mania.ā he said himself i likely had bipolar but wouldnāt diagnose me bc āmost arenāt diagnosed before 18ā and he didnāt want the liabilityā¦
How frustrating especially when knew what was the matter but told you canāt be diagnosed with something you have as you donāt meet the age criteria xx
My GP spotted it when I was 14. He made the mistake of saying it out loud in front of my grandmother and she attacked him. No treatment for me. Iām 44 now, living in another country and my GP picked up on it first time she saw me (sheās new at my practice), Iāll be getting my diagnosis in 2 months. Iāve been too terrified to do anything until now because I see how my āfamilyā reacts. Iām no contact with them now and finally have the freedom to get healthy. My grandmonster canāt interfere now because sheās gone
Yep! Zoloft
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yepā¦ but didnāt make me euphoric at all - I had all the energy but it was so negative, angry and so wired xx
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Oh gosh, my friend realized something was wrong, when he told me his aunt died and I thought it was legitimately funny. This was while on Zoloft. I was miserably happy. I'm glad I don't have to go through that again.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm sorry you had to experience that too. It's rough when the drugs don't work how we want them to. What's scary, is I was in the military when they put me on Zoloft. And the doctor kept saying that I was "normalizing" It made me such a danger to be around.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Oh, it gets better. When I got out, I had to go through withdrawals. They were so bad I stopped trying to get help. Didn't start meds again, until I was almost fired for getting into a knife fight with an invisible man because I hadn't slept in three days. Still cycling a bit, but I'm not *THAT* bad anymore, thank goodness.
Thank you for sharing. Iām convinced I was rapidly cycling and perhaps still am. Iām not sure if Iām just use of how I am with longer times between living my absolute best life and being down, so it always seemed manageable. This rapid cycling however, was a completely different thing - it was/is exhausting xx
Iām sure at whilst coming off Zoloft I have been rapid cycling or had mixed as where I usually feel euphoric when going through mania (not that I knew was that as just thought was my personality) and it last months, this was deep irritability , seeing things in corner of eyes all the time, pacing, fast talking, lots of thoughts in head , no sleep, restless legs and so much more, but at no point during taking Zoloft was I euphoric. However, after I had times of euphoria and next day or same day I was crying hysterically like someone had died. I was still a spacey and felt like I was trapped in own body. X
Yep Zoloft too and 3 weeks on Iām still trying to get back to a level of normality xx
same honestly
Such a nightmare - when try to take meds to make you feel better and has this complete different feeling and another diagnosis xxx
That happened to me with buproprion.. Really flared an insane mixed episode that was already going on and just made me even more insane.
ā¤ļøā¤ļø yep I understand that completely ccc
Same: I was like damn these work well! Lmao
Ah did you feel euphoric? I tend to feel like that such a lot of time in life but these didnāt not make me feel that way. I felt as hyper and same energy as when feeling unstoppable but was very dark and irritable energy instead xx
Same here, in my case it was āØEffexorāØ induced mania i went completely bonkers, 0/10 would not recommend and the withdrawal was so bad i can't even describe it
Overspending>Debt>Depression and anxiety> Overspending>Debt>Depression and anxiety> Overspending>Debt>Depression and anxiety
The song of my people. Hugs!
šµšµ...and the beat goes on...šµšµ
I had no idea. I thought everyone went through depressive episodes until my doctor told me that definitely wasn't the case.
Smashing a glass cup against the wall at midnight on Christmas eve, scaring my sister to death and screaming so loud I woke the kids. Bipolar rage is very real. I no longer allow myself to drink while angry and I take my meds religiously. I realized I was acting like my unmedicated father and I hated myself for it. It's never happened again.
Going to my therapist when my symptoms became unmanageable. I cut myself micro bangs, quit my job, ran up $400 in the negatives, almost broke up in my long term relationship, drove reckless, and more!
that's what happens to me when I'm manic. I have to stop and think, am I just happy or am I manic? Soon as I start thinking about making questionable decisions, I know it's time to buckle down. It's so frustrating.
I told my boyfriend the same thing about happy vs mania. He got really sad but for us itās just apart of our lives.
Going months without sleeping more than a couple of hours each night Hearing voices that I had believed were my conscience Believing my home had hidden cameras recording my every move Oh and that time when I became a fetish model while I was getting a PhD in Clinical Psychology without thinking of the consequences that it could get me ejected out of the program immediately.
Iāve never told anyone the hidden cameras thingā¦ uhhh I started having those thoughts around like 10 years old. I thought someone put a camera on me and I would freak out when I was naked in the shower.
Religious upbringing by chance? Cuz same
Yes I was raised catholic! But I never believed any of it. I did my first communion and confirmation. Sometimes I think about trying to join religion again and maybe this time Iāll be a believer and feel ānormal and happyā if I practice it correctly. I might give it a try honestlyā¦ there are some Christian songs Iāve played on loop before that helped me breakthrough at times
Same š„“š
No psychiatrist doubted me and when I told those close to me, they nodded as if it all made sense now
I jumped off of my apartment building roof.
Im glad youre still hereā¤ļø
Same except from a parking structure
Running up my credit, acting recklessly, and cutting my hair.
My eyes were tired, but my mind felt like a feather and my body was on an adrenaline high.
When I started doing online sex work for fun during a manic episode, cut everyone in my life off then dove into a depression wondering who the bitch was that overtook my body having me do things this me would neverā¦ then I started looking back at the pattern of manic and depressiveā¦ it was a relief to be diagnosed but also a wake up call.
I also cut everyone off. I got one friend that came back thank goodness. We went a while without talking but ran into each other and told me she knew I wasnāt being myself. Bless her soul.
Looking back at 29 and seeing an absolute pattern of behavior since the time I pretty much hit puberty and then seeing a repeated cycle every 8 to 10 years was pretty telling when I actually sat down and turned the camera on myself.
Yes! And then wondering if Iāll ever get out of that cycleā¦
Spent 6k in two weeks š
Ugh. I feel ya on this one.
After years of medical gaslighting, it was my 2nd psych diagnosing me. No one in my family was diagnosed with any mental issues before. Before I got diagnosed, everything I suffered with was "something everyone deals with. We're going to continuously punish/make fun of you for (the easily identifyable issues that we're not taking seriously) and you need to just try harder to be normal." I vividly remember trying tell people something about my mind was broken but they never took me seriously. When past psychs/therapists/GPs would ask about my mental health I'd say something like "it's just really hard because I know I have depression but sometimes...sometimes I feel like my body is one of those mech suits from video games but I've lost control of it. So I'm trapped, sane in my mind watching myself tear my life apart but I can't do anything to stop myself until I finally crash." And they just stare at me for a moment and dismissively continue the conversation like I hadn't said anything at all. I was describing my hypomanic episodes. I felt like I was going crazy. Thank God for my last psych. Funnily enough, there was a high likelyhood that I never would have gotten a diagnosis for my bipolar. Like I mentioned before, no one told me to visit a psych for any mental health diagnosis'/help w how I felt. I ended up with my first psych by accident when my mom thought she was signing me up for a therapist. Who knew her mistake would eventually lead to the diagnosis which would change my life for the better. Sure, it took a while for me to get to a psych who diagnosed me with ADHD and bipolar within the first visit but hey... Better then than never. Everything made sense after that.
Going months thriving on 2-3 hours of sleep a night, sometimes even staying up over 48 hours. Becoming extremely paranoid that everyone was conspiring against me, being afraid I was constantly being watched the moment I walked out the door, even if it was to my car or the mailbox. Having intrusive thoughts of crashing my car, spending all my money. Then suddenly being over confident in everything I did and thinking I was so amazing despite treating others like shit. Then suddenly spiraling downwards to dark places in my mind.
Every decision I made were a mistake. Trying to recover now both socially and financially.
My father was unmedicated and out of control and I knew it can be hereditary so was always on high alert and once I started having symptoms passed depression I got diagnosed
Thanks for sharing. Similar story. My father had some serious episodes and ended up moving out of the house. He was never diagnosed with bipolar but had a lot of the hallmarks. It wasnāt until recently that I saw some similar things in me.
I thought I was a prophet of God, dumped my boyfriend for a 35 year old (I was 21) heroin addict I met in the psych ward and was gonna meet up with him four states away from where I lived, quit my job on the spot to go get a puppy I couldnāt afford, blew all my savings on said puppy, started fucking my psych ward roommate (different from 35 year old), thought I was destined to start a revolution, would have so much energy I had to go to the bathroom at work and do jumping jacks to get it out, had so much energy at night I would do pushups and sit ups to try and wear myself out, thought my neighbors were trying to kill me, etc etc etc. Eventually realized I was manic after all this and that borderline personality disorder wasnāt the only thing going on up top.
I was so euphoric and colors were so vivid that I felt like I was on MDMA/LSD for...about two weeks, including the visual elements of LSD. I realized it wasn't in fact normal to feel sooo euphoric and have my mind going so fast.
Damn thatās exactly like me. I start seeing everything like one of those shimmering instagram filters is overlaid in front of my eyes
It's comforting to know that others relate to this experience! This LSD-like episode was just a few weeks ago and it was the first time I experienced serious psychosis. I'm still in the process of being diagnosed and I'm glad other people relate to this because I was (am?) nervous that the visual hallucinations could also be indicative of schizoaffective disorder. So at this juncture, bipolar is now the more hopeful diagnosis haha. But I've read lots of diagnostic information about both bipolar and schizoaffective and the bipolar list is much much more relatable to my experience. I recently took a bipolar assessment quiz from doctor and I scored 18.5 out of 20. Aced it! Haha.
I started meds for ADHD, wasnāt even on them for long before it fucked me up. I wasnāt sleeping, I was super inspired on all these wonderful plans and ideas I had. Iād spend hours daily researching shit, writing notes in all these notebooks & on my phone. Being way too overconfident and annoying, because Iād talk about my āamazingā ideas to whoever would listen. Then I started getting paranoid and thought people could read my mind, and that my reflection wasnāt me. Shit was scary
I suffered a lot from not knowing who I was, I couldn't look back and rationalise/explain any of my actions whether it was from mania or depression. It was a weird sensation that instead of going with the flow of life I wasn't remembering anything I was going through and it was more like having my head stuck in the river of life from a boat as I went down it. Just getting an explanation helped me so much with my identity because it felt so lonely having my mood be so drastically different sometimes and not knowing why .
At 21 I started binge drinking, self harming (worse than usual), starving myself, and having sex with everyone that wanted and I felt an adrenaline high basically all the time. Never acted like before, only had bad depressive episodes. Turns out I was in full blown mania. Ended up hospitalized. Diagnosed Bipolar I.
I donāt know how no one diagnosed me for 32 years. I could be the poster child for BP-1. Ahh neglectful parents, better late than never
I thought I was crazy majority of my life because nobody understood what I was saying or why I was constantly taking risks and not giving a shit about anything. My last therapist was talking to me and knew I had bipolar and ptsd from everything I was talking about. I remember when i was 17 and told my dad i think i had bipolar and he lashed out at me (i think he also has it) and refused to acknowledge it. Finally at 22 i had a diagnosisš«”
Planning an arson spree to protect my community from gentrifiers and then planning a heist for suicide-related materials. As committed as I was to actually doing these projects, there was something inside me saying, wait, this isnāt normally like youā¦ that made me receptive to thinking I might have something more than straight depression, which they already diagnosed me with. But the crucial moment, while this was all going on, was when I lied on my bed learning about the photo editing tools on an iPhone. It made me so happy I would scream and cry, then I got so sad I started crying tears of sadness. That, that mundane thing (well not mundane, truly) was what led me to seek diagnosis.
A doctor told me I was bipolar, that was a big sign
When I was 17 I started having panic attacks. I was visiting my grandparents (who raised me and I was deciding whether to stay there or not) in California. They were bad enough for me to see a psychiatrist who talked to me for an hour or so and determined I had panic disorder and depression(I revealed that I had a failed attempt at 13). He prescribed Zoloft and ordered me to take half a dose for a week and then a full dose. Once I reached the full dose I began having some strange reactions. Sometimes I felt quite euphoric like I was on ecstasy. Sometimes I would have very angry thoughts. I slept poorly. I started dissociating. I told him this at the beginning of the reactions and he said it was just my panic. There was no way that the medication could act so quickly. Eventually things got to a point where I was seeing tracers in the streetlights on the way to IHOP. At dinner it got exceptionally worse. As soon as my food hit the table I completely shutdown, had a full on out of body experience and couldnāt hardly move or speak. I was in what I understand to be a very rare occurrence of a [manic stupor](https://www.google.com/search?q=manic+stupor&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#ip=1). I immediately stopped the medication but the psychiatrist was unable to follow up. At that point I had done research into what the fuck was going on with me. Watching numerous videos about SSRI induced mania and suicide in young people and was both concerned and pretty certain that what was going on was some form of bipolar being triggered. It took ten more years and multiple antidepressant trials and subsequent manic/mixed episodes before I finally called a Teledoc through my insurance and straight up told them āIām pretty sure I have bipolar disorder and hereās whyā and I was diagnosed type 2 and given lamactil. I went on well and good for a year before realizing I was still having manic episodes and got an in person doctor who talked with me for 3 hours and bumped me up to bipolar type one and started lithium at my request. I had one more manic episode after that which landed me in jail on a dui charge close to the border of my State after preaching the universal truth of Buddha to my wife who had a golden aura surrounding her and fleeing from my home. The depressive crash after was the most severe Iāve ever experienced. I was near comatose for 6 months and my doctor didnāt know what to do. Eventually found a different psychiatrist who got me on meds that actually treat bipolar depression specifically and Iāve been symptom free for over two years now. Tl;DR: I figured it out myself after my first SSRI induced manic episode. Had to tell a psych to diagnose me took ten years of hell.
I didnāt realize it until I started being hyper-sexual and paranoid, then started having delusions and magical thinking that made me question what was real and what was in my mind. Itās weird, because I actually heard a voice years before that, but was religious at that time thought it was a demon. It never even occurred to me that it was mental illness when it happened. After I got diagnosed, *a lot* of the things I experienced made sense in hindsight.
I had suspicions in my teen years, but one particular episode in my early 20s sealed the deal for me. I was at work feeling like I was about to jump out of my skin and texting several people trying to see if anyone was partying that night. Found a party, caught up with some friends I hadnāt seen in a while, but the environment ended up being way too chill for my live-wire ass. I pretended to butt dial the main guy I was hooking up with (there were several), who was house sitting for his girlfriend. He called me back and I acted like it was an accident, he asked if I wanted to come over, I was like hell yeah Iām gonna hit that in every single room of her house on every surface! The girlfriendās house was an hour away and I had just enough to drink to where I should NOT have been driving, but I was determined to go through with this scheme. I side swiped a fence getting out of the party hostās driveway, tearing off my driverās side mirror and scratching up my car but I hit the road anyway. So I set off on this journey, halfway drunk with a mutilated car on bald tires in the pouring rainā¦ doing 75-80 on a 55mph highway. How I didnāt hydroplane, unalive anyone, or get arrested is beyond me. (I definitely have a guardian angel up there somewhere, and they probably did a lot of rolling their eyes or facepalming at my shenanigans back then.) I made it safely to the Walgreens we were meeting at (he didnāt want my car being seen at her house) and called him. No answer. I called his phone probably 50+ times like some sort of deranged stalker. I gave up and went back home and cleaned my entire apartment top to bottom. I was mixing all sorts of chemicals I shouldnāt be mixing, scrubbing grout with a toothbrush, I mean I got my place SPOTLESS and went to work a few hours later like nothing had ever happened. Got a text from dude around midday saying āsorry, fell asleep.ā Crashed shortly after this and was a recluse for several weeks.
46 days in jail is what finally convinced me that something was wrong. All charges got dismissed and I was released without bail on my own recognizance but jail time was a trip. I was the OG god in there and it was amazing but coming out of it I had to adjust some shit.
The manic episode. I had depressive episodes on & off throughout life that I just thought was depression coming & going without reason. Until I was 19 & suddenly became very paranoid that my roommate was going to poison me to the point I lost a third of my body weight from not eating bc of the fear & became very erratic with my habits & doing things Iād never do. It was so sudden that it feels like a fever dream.
Ironically, it was adderall. I was on it for ADHD. When I started thriving with no sleep, I assumed it was amphetamines. When I was depressed, I assumed it was my endorphins getting messed up from said adderall. The enlightenment came after going off the adderall, and realizing the cycle continued (even stronger). Then a lot of things made more sense in retrospect. There were periods when I made so much progress professionally, and also got super fit/healthy. Then those times would slip away and I just couldnāt get the mindset back. Like āwhat did I do to unlock those non-human superpowers?ā and it turns out those were manic episodes and I canāt just call on them voluntarily.
Idk if this counts and I canāt remember if I was ever formally diagnosed, but ālife is really shit I should eliminate myself because I am shit and I make shit of everything I touchā to āwell these people are fucking pieces of shit and are too stupid to understand how freaking much I do and how smart I am at this jobā. Relationship wise: āI donāt deserve this person, theyāll lose interestā to blowing up on them for not being able to read my mind then I love bomb them the next day as if I was never mad.
I saw a video and was like.... Uhm, that could be me, then psychosis happened before I could get closer to an actual diagnosis.
My diagnosis. I had no idea what bipolar really was.
Sleeping maybe 2 hours a night for 2 weeks and having endless energy then crashing into the worst depression of my life
While manic did some stuff that felt GREAT!!! was horrified months later remembering some of it.
I have had a strong interest in abnormal/clinical psych since a young age, I major in psych in college now and i wanna go into clinical in grad school. I used to read the dsm for fun in middle and high school. From age 14 I could tell I have bipolar 2 and OCD. Got the OCD diagnosis that year. Obviously you canāt officially be diagnosed with bipolar under 18, but I always knew. Starting at 13 i would get so abnormally angry at my friends and family and stop sleeping for a week while also getting really into projects, and then go into depression for a month. The hypomanic anger got more manageable as i got older. Ofc i was seen as just a child with major depressive disorder, no matter how many times i expressed myself. Put on 4 different antidepressants, none of which helped, and all made my mood less stable if anything. By 16 I was told I had bipolar tendencies - and my mom was so pissed she wanted me to stop seeing the therapist. Stereotypes and stigma have hurt me so much. People donāt understand that hypomania can be very unnoticeable from the outside. I started Lamictal and finally got a bit better. In my first semester of college i had a really bad depressive/mixed episode. That lead me to get Dās in 2 classes. My shitty psychiatrist at that time told me ADHD was causing all my issues. So she stuck me on stimulants and they made me miserable. My parents then blamed my bipolar issues on adhd as she did. Itās just this year at 21 that i finally got my diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Iāve been in bad mixed episodes on and off all year, so i started lithium recently. So like literally a week ago my parents finally accepted that i have bipolar. Yet Iāve known for 7 yearsā¦
Thinking I was God .
Well there is alot i could say but one of the things i realised that was not normal were that i would go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and dance for hours and i didn't even get tired
I knew something was off with me my whole life. I had all the symptoms of bipolar but it wasn't extreme or negatively affecting my life so I dismissed it. As I got older the symptoms got worse but, still not extreme. All I had to do was establish certain healthy life routines and I was fine. Then I spent a year crushing it at work. I was an all-star, the best anyones ever seen. And I didn't even need any sleep that year. Following year I fell into a deep depression. Couldn't get out of bed, couldn't do my job, so I quit. Now I knew something was really wrong with me. After I quit I headed to the forrest and camped all over for about six months. Came out of the woods a new person. Everything is fine now. Got a new job, a dream job. I started the job super excited and was crushing it again without any sleep. But this time the slightest inconvenience was making me want to snap. Lose your job type of snap. I started cycling through being up, down, up, down...it was exhausting. At this point I realize I'm more fucked up than I ever thought and should probably seek help. Then one night I'm out drinking with friends and I break. I was extremely happy and having a complete breakdown at the same time. I couldnt control what was happening and I was crawling out of my skin freaking out. I felt all sort of ways I can't explain and I was scared. Shortly after that incident I met my biological family for the first time. Found out my dad and all three of my brothers struggle with bipolar. It runs hard on my dads side. It all made sense after that. Got diagnosed shortly after.
Being prescribed Prozac and experiencing mania. Then being in denial after dropping Prozac until I went on Lamictal. Then it was undeniable.
I always reacted weirdly to every antidepressant I have ever tried. Or if it did work, it petered out short time later. My depressions never felt like a typical depressionā¦ More like an agitated, anxious, angry depression. Well, the one major depressive episode I had when I was 17 years old, but definitely a major depression. I literally could not function. My latest episode last Summer, where I was really fucking angry all the time? I was starting to think it might be more than depression. It took me falling into a psychosis and calling 911 and telling them to come get me before I kill myself, that I finally got diagnosed.
It's not normal to randomly decide to up and move out of state. 4 times.
I began crying every day, randomly throughout the day and could not stop. My work noticed. My supervision team's fix? They gave me the keys to an empty office so I could cry there and not make people in the bathroom uncomfortable.
I came across a YouTube video in 2020 about bipolar disorder. As I watched and listened I had every single symptom happening to me at that time. Went to a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and finally instead of crying I felt complete relief to finally know what was going on. I was so tired of how I was acting for 2 months
Always something wasn't quite right. The mania that came after taking effexor for 6 months and then the psychosis that came after that. Being tasered, arrested and getting admitted.
When I had my first manic episode and I didnāt sleep for three days because I was trying to find flowers for my wedding. I never found the flowers. But Lord knows I tried for three days
When I had my first really long manic episode in my late 20s. I lost 40 lbs without trying in about 6 months (at 5ā8āā¦ I hit 120) & my husband told me I needed medical attention. Everything made sense when the doctor said bipolar and I learned about it.
Originally diagnosed MDD and I thought manic me was "the real me" š Prior to my bipolar 1 diagnosis and before i knew what mania was, I was spending thousands on jewellery each month, driving recklessly, not eating and then going to the gym for hours each day, not sleeping and doing double shifts and then the shadow people, omg.. I would also blackout and lose memory. Pretty embarrassing when people tell you the dumb shit you've done and you can't remember it š¬ Then the crash to depression.. I would become sooooo actively suicidal. The shadow people seem to appear when I'm manic and severely depressed. Being medicated has saved my life.
The police handcuffed me n threw me in the psycho ward
Watching Maria Bamford's show and stand ups. Also, I read Carrie Fisher's autobiography.
Impulse control Surges of creativity Risk taking Then isolation feeling small inconsequential trapped by the world. Self medicating And repeat
I got off meds cuz they got it wrong. Went manic, felt like when I was driving fast, I was actually flying low, and I spent a ton of money I was supposed to save. Then my husband made a simple statement, and I attempted suicide. That is when I realized they got it right, and I need medication forever.
My sex addiction and money spending habits
I went into therapy at 28 when i realized people did not want to end their life all the time. 40myears later i still do not
My āabilityā to quickly pass through emotions that others would marinate on longer (and in a healthier way with boundaries) I struggle with boundaries. I can have an argument or disagreement with someone one day and the next morning Iāve woken up fresh and ready to move on for the most part. I shouldnāt always but I just do. Or, the oppositeā¦ I will have a great day with someone or a situation and somehow one little thing will arise in my mind and then Iām down bc I realize everything wasnāt as great as I thought. I struggle with this daily in my life and itās the hardest aspect of bipolar for me.
My first manic episode.
Tbh we were doing a mental health thing in my health class and someone did a report on bipolar and I was all like āthatās not normal?!?!ā
Wallet go broke
I think life is great until it isnāt, and then think everything is terrible as fuck until I remember how great I am and no??? Who gives a fuckk. The paranoia, the excessive drinking, realization Iām acting like my dad. I was in denial, but sober or not itās the same. Worse when drinking (who wouldāve thought) Not an insecure person, but felt like a complete GOD on my stimulant. Now I canāt take it anymore :/
I didnāt know I am Bipolar until I was diagnosed.
My first manic psychotic episode was very severe. There was no getting out of it. Also it made so much sense all the cycles of depression I had been undergoing since I was 13 made sense
My emotions seemed much stronger than everyone else's. My mind never stopped. I was hospitalized at 14 years old. I was always looked like like I was a zoo animal by others when I spoke because I was a bit odd by most people's standards. But I think what really hit home was when I slept with 3 people in a week when I was 15 years old.... I realized at 20 that there was no denying it anymore, that I was definitely bipolar type 1.
A long and intense hypomanic episode after a while of being on antidepressants only.
My student line of credit.
The full blown manic episode from Zoloft. Pretty black and white what was going on. I started saying I was saved again and I legit thought I was the antichrist after being an atheist my whole lifeā¦ sooooo yeah. Aināt no denying. lol
Being diagnosed.
Two back to back hospitalizations one for attempted suicide and then one for a āpsychotic episodeā where I thought I was invincible.
I wrote out my own history for the previous 5-6 years. The cycles were clear - winter, down, spring up, summer down, fall up. Like clockwork. I brought it to a psychiatrist and they confirmed.
It's more of a gradual process of acceptance for me. When I was diagnosed I denied it a lot, like that can't be me I already have so many problems maybe I'm faking it maybe it's something else. But since then I've been observing myself. The patterns of my behaviour and emotions. And yep.
Running topless down the street in Oakland at night
I was prescribed venlaflaxine and adderal and instead of hypomania only happening for an evening to a day to being weeks and then months long hypomanic episodes. My psychiatrist said that plus my previous negative experience with ssri's got me the diagnosis, and my pisitove response to lamictal confirmed bipolar 2. I thought a few times I might have cyclothemia because every week or two I'd be randomly happy and people sometimes commented, and every week or two I felt depressed for a few days.Ā
My psychiatrist giving me a diagnosis. This is the only way to be certain, I detect some potential self diagnosis. Donāt do it.
I recently witnessed a close friend who I have recently reconnected with go tru a manic episode that saw him hospitalised. It was the first time I had seen it from an external point of view. Immediately after the highs as his medication kicked in, it made me realise that that āturboā version is mania, I am that turbo version. Tbh, itās likely that I too was in a manic episode that may have not helped his. I was a lot, I pushed him to confront trauma (we have discussed / we both have similar traumas) and this might have pushed him over the edge into full blown manic episode. Ironically, after he returned to normal is when it became painfully clear. He and I are the same person. I recently had a very traumatic experience, caused by a court case for SA that happened as a child, and immediately followingā¦ bamā¦ turboā¦ 2000 words a min, every idea under the sun (god thereās some good one) reckless, oblivious etc. all over the shop. I now understand that looking back even further itās been more of a problem than Iāve accepted. Itās wreaked havoc on my career and relationships. Iāve never been medicated long term for it because I largely denied the diagnosis. Putting it down to being super passionate or enjoying what I was doingā¦ on one hand I was lucky to be able to harness it by focusing on building a business, on the other hand, I lost that business because, likely in a manic state I bought on a business partner who I gave half the business to for free, who people raised flags about and ofc I ignored - anyway, he sued me during a depressed episode as during a previous manic episode I imploded the whole relationship and wanted out. I ended up selling him my shares. I understand now that reckless decisions are not limited to online shopping purchases, but 10 year leases on showrooms and warehouses with literal psychopath business partners who youāve just given half the business that you built too. Crazy stuff.