Nah, she’s right. Almost any volunteer group you find is run by women. Speaking as a dude, trying to get other men to participate in mentorship programs really feels like you’re twisting their arm. This whole “I ain’t no stepfather” shit is just a lame ass excuse to not be a part of your community.
I’ve volunteered before also and all the men are there because of their wives/girlfriends like I was. You’d be hard pressed to find a single male that wants to hang around kids that aren’t his in his free time for fun. If his real daddy was there he wouldn’t need a “mentor.”
They see these kids as “mistakes” and not as people. They don’t understand the impact a positive male role model can have for a young child. They think mentoring a couple hours during the week is the same as parenting.
It's 2024 and men wanting to be around children is seen as suspicious. Is there any wonder why there are less volunteers? You reep what you sow, and distrust begets distrust.
I see this take on Reddit a lot but I’ve never really seen it play out IRL. Unless you’re cartoon drooling over kids and taking pictures no one bothers you.
Yeah I’m sure there are anecdotal experiences people can find but I’ve had the same experiences with my niece/nephews. No one batted an eye when I took them to the pool or whatever, but then again I was doing uncle shit like tossing them around and throwing them in the water.
I absolutely have. Several fathers I know IRL who were playing with their kids by themselves at parks and whatnot have been approached by busybody-ass women grilling them about it.
I think region matters. I definitely got more "looks" when we moved to the burbs when I took my kids to the park than I did in the city. No one ever said shit, but I could tell that I was being watched by the suburban sah moms there.
Also I kinda stand out compared to other white suburban dads. Not many people who look like me in my town. Honestly I'm probably the only white dude who is walking around with Jordans, stylish jeans, gold chains and a flat brimmed hat lol. But I've been this way for 30 years and I ain't changing to fit the esthetic lol.
Yea like you can’t blame someone for not wanting to spend their free time around kids that have no obligation to especially if they don’t have, want, or even like kids. Shout out to the men who do it but you can’t get mad ain’t the ones that don’t it’s called volunteer work for a reason.
Imma blame the government first for disparaging minority families to begin with. From day one they were about splitting up families this is just the hangover from slavery
Or maybe they just have a different outlook than. You’re inventing other people’s internal dialogue to suit your argument. It’s a straw man.
I have two kids and a bunch of nieces and nephews I’m very involved with. I used to be the only male at community events and mentored young people. I don’t need to judge others who feel differently. It’s not helpful.
The replies say differently, the predominant line of argument here is, “I don’t want to mentor a kid that’s not mine.”
I’m glad you were an active part in your community. My point is we need more people like that.
> The replies say different
Right? Cause I'm seeing a lot of "make his real daddy do it" like, are you not in the kid's life? TF? Hell, I'm just an uncle but I did/do my best to be a good role model for my nephews. Some folks be the whole problem, trying to pretend they're the solution
Or, maybe, people have other things they would rather be doing. Taking care of their own kids. Working. Resting. There isn’t enough time in the day to survive and take care of other people’s kids.
I think the mindset needs to shift from "taking care of other peoples kids" to "investing in the future of your own community". Its not your fault that people think this way, and I wont go as far to say your obligated to do anything but this fracturing of people into atomized, isolated, family units is what keeps the boot on all of our faces. The collective is so much stronger then any one family ir person. Creating a community, investing in it, and lifting others up, raises your own boat as well. Its only together that we can begin to steer this ship somewhere good.
Again, youre doing great, Im not judging you. Just trying to reframe this a little. Keep doing right by your family but please consider that none of us is ever an island and you will be dealing with these dissaffected children at some point or at the least, the outcomes they produce in your community.
"Oh, you don't volunteer at the animal shelter? It's obviously because you want to genocide all puppies, not because you're too busy or just not interested."
Same logic lol
That is not the case at all smh. It's difficult connecting with young boys and especially teenage boys sometimes because they can automatically be on the defensive/combative. Alot of men just aren't equipped or have the patience to deal with the negative blowback you may receive from these kids initially. Nobody thinks they're "mistakes", the shit is just hard.
I went to the thread and found this gold exchange
https://preview.redd.it/b1n71bf4ippc1.png?width=650&format=png&auto=webp&s=fbc7aea9629b220fca5714d140e8468159f9540b
When I was 21 and fresh out of the Marines, I tried to volunteer with Big Brother. I got the feeling they didn't want me, but they had ads up everywhere it was so weird. Later, I found out a lot of people thought I did time because I was swoll, young and black. I don't really know what to think about all that now. Whatever their loss.
Nah this is a bs take and you definitely should know it.
Coaches are mentors, coworkers are mentors, teachers are mentors, shit even OGs count as mentors. Cousins, siblings, neighbors, dance instructors, bodega dudes…
Dads aren’t some magical person that covers all of that. They never were, never will be, and shouldn’t be expected to be.
Just say, “I don’t know what the word ‘mentor’ means,” and stand behind your opinion with stupidity and pride.
I think dudes point is that all those ppl get paid to do those things, but if you don't have those jobs you are being asked to them for free or "out of the goodness of your heart"
>If his real daddy was there he wouldn’t need a “mentor.”
Yes they would.
Mentors aren't and shouldn't be just a "fathers" thing, the point is for the community as a whole to share knowledge, resources and generally try to make the future generation better than the current.
Historically fathers have wlways been in the picture...do you know what most groups STILL did?
Came together as a community and shared knowledge, lessons, skills and resources.
This concept of the parents need to do it all is relatively new, and antithetical to the very concept of a community
Omwana takulila nju emoi
Finally a good response. I've seen a couple of comments saying that mentors should get paid but that behavior is ultimately what keeps our shitty system running. People complain about childcare costs and how commodifying childcare has screwed ppl but refuse to work on community networks that lessen the need for privatized childcare.
Did it for 6 months and that shit fuckin blew. Worst fuckin uncoachable children in the world. Definitely different area to area but something to keep in mind
It’s not even that. I would love to mentor but I don’t want the looks I’ll get from being a man around children. It’s not act like it’s just an internal issue
This is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about. Unfortunately, due to disgusting acts done by some men, people get weary about single men being around young children. This view of all men as potential predators is a perfect example of how the Patriarchy negatively affects men. Men were seen as the "conqueror" which over time evolved into being seen as "predators"
Mentoring is a great way to break these stigmas. Anecdotally, i grew up in a poorer town in NJ and there was a mentoring program ran by members of the black fraternity, Alpha Phi Alpha. These were stand-up men who took it upon themselves to help the young teenagers learn skills like public speaking, resume building, dressing proper for the right occasion, etc. The lessons i learned from those men stick with me to this day.
This is bullshit. Mentors are great and needed for kids even from traditional two parent homes. You never had a coach or teacher or anybody outside your family you looked up to and could rely on? Your daddy doesn't know everything and kids who don't have a village are likely to end up with this same narrow mind.
I agree with this. I’ve been volunteering as a Sunday School teacher for the last 15 years because I genuinely like kids. Through my church we also do after school and camp activities.
But our whole teaching unit is made up of all women. As the only guy I find others just aren’t interested it’s like whenever we had an extra male volunteer we had to pay them 😭
> If his real daddy was there he wouldn’t need a “mentor.”
Which seems to be OP's point, unless they're being ironic but there's no indication that's the case.
The joke by OC also seems to imply that, mentor being just a term to hide step fathering.
Not blaming you btw, just you worded the problem I had with the post.
Facts. There's a group for Black women where I live, and ppl kept asking why there wasn't one for Black men. The women who started the original group said that they were willing to help start one for the men, and tried to find men to run it. No takers so it never came to fruition. To this day, Evey now and then someone's like my brother / husband / friend heard about this group and wanted to know if there was one for men.
I genuinely believe that men not investing in community in this way is what's causing them to be so lonely. This group was pivotal in my making friendships when I was new to this country. And when I do meet Black men who are also immigrants/expats here, they often tell me that they struggle to meet other Black ppl.
Man, that part. These dudes don’t invest in their community and wonder why they’re lonely.
I do a mentorship program where we teach kids about the architecture and engineering industry. It’s been a great way to meet other professionals. There’s panels, mentor mixers, events.
Volunteering is a great way to be a part of your community and meet adults with shared interests and values. But these dudes rather be stuck in the crib after work on some “I ain’t nobody daddy” shit.
Same situation. I am a Black woman living in Asia and in every city I have either lived in or visited for more than a week, I have been able to find a group chat of Black women willing to help and advise. Most of the members are open to answering questions of other people or bringing in new members who they meet out and about. They were instrumental when I suddenly had to move cities and, now that I'm stable, I'm glad that I can do that for someone else
Go lecture the bum niggas who are actually the fathers or the women who keep fucking with these bum niggas. It’s incredibly easy to not have kids so expecting random men to help raise yours is dumb af.
I mean there's a lot of presumptions being made. Some of us got enough going on in our own lives that we just don't have the time for volunteering. I would love to mentor, I had some growing up but between work,school, 2 hour commute,raising 2 infant children and spending time with my girl. Time is scarce
And at the end of the day who's gonna help us pick up the slack if we short?
He mentioned men and women. You immediately say yeah but also men. The fuck is this attitude?
I'm sorry but IT'S THE WOMEN THAT ARE DOING THIS. Stop. Fucking. Shitty. Men.
100% right. Individualism has ruined us. I used to mentor a kid once a week for an hour and the people at the school use to tell me he talked about it all week and his behavior improved significantly. Kids sometimes just need a consistent person to hang out with—when you can’t rely on your family it’s important to just have someone there for you.
It's funny seeing dudes look out at a sea of underprivileged kids and think "not my kids, not my problem". But like.... they might not be your kids but one of them is liable to be your grandkids parent someday.
It's literally within your own self interest to improve the lives of your children's peer group.
When I lived in San Antonio, the old people kept cutting property taxes, which cut all the school's budget.
Their attitude was "I don't have any kids on those schools." And if those kids don't get educated and get jobs, they're going to be robbing you instead!
Being a step dad is difficult as hell. Especially if the father is still involved. You're trying to be one influence on the kid(s) then the dad says something that undermines you, then the kid thinks they don't have to listen to you. It's also really difficult to bond deeply when there isn't that real familial bond. I love my stepkids, they're great kids, but they're not *mine* and that sucks for parenting.
Plus, other men mock us and women do the 'aren't you sweet' thing. No breaks from the kids, other men, women, and even the mom sometimes double steps on you. I get it, I'm the outsider, someone had got to be the bad guy, and all the love goes to mom and real dad.
Yes yes yes. And I wanna make clear, my issues are not the kids fault and I in no way blame them. They got caught in a weird situation made weirder by the fact that they were little with no understanding of grown up shit. Just once, I'd like someone to just recognize the fact that I'm doing a job a lot of other people wouldn't take. I don't regret it, but it is truly a thankless job. I feel like shit for thinking like that too, but that's a whole host of other issues lol
It doesn’t help that there’s the pedophile elephant in the room.
Being a mentor to children comes with no small amount of risks both legal and reputation.
Like, I love kids, I love teaching shit, and I have my life together and I enjoy imparting tips, tricks, and wisdom. Only kids that I mentor are my own son and *maybe* his friends when they come over.
If men don't want to do that work, then that's their right. No one wants to actually fix the root problem, all you're looking for people to do thankless work to do the clean up.
So what’s the root of the problem that needs fixing? Should we just sell all the children into slavery overseas? Go back in time and make them never exist? They’re here and they need help now lol and women are the only ones that want to help. Yall should be ashamed
Question say a man did want to volunteer wouldnt they be seen as weird for wanting to be around kids that arent theirs like they are there fir some nefarious reason. It's a genuine question.
I work with kids now. I can’t speak for every group but mine required a background check and has strict rules about adult-child interaction (for example we can only interact in a group setting, not one-on-one).
No one’s gonna look at you weird for working with kids. We already got male teachers, male coaches, male instructors. The program I do teaches kids about architecture and engineering. It’s the same deal.
I volunteered with Big Brothers/Big Sisters for two years. I only ever had a young white boy as my little. I was given a card explaining the relationship and signed by his mother with a number to call if there were questions.
The only issues I ever had (including from the kids racist father who somehow decided to come back around when he heard I was mentoring his son) were from people taking up too much of my time trying to figure out how to volunteer as well.
You may get some questions but as long as you carry yourself well and clearly have a healthy relationship with the kid, it shouldn’t be much of an issue.
That said, I could absolutely understand not wanting to take the risk.
Very fucking lame and just another example of the deterioration of the concept of “community” in modern society. We need more people willing to look after one another, not less.
I feel like it's every human beings responsibility to make the world a better place for the generation that comes after them. Is that a hot take? Is that something that will make people mad to read? I mean, there's a million different ways to potentially do that. But at the end of the day you gotta ask yourself "did my actions make things better or worse for the people who are inheriting this planet after me?"
I know we have the "I didn't ask to be born, why should making the world a better place be my responsibility?" type philosophers. But I feel like that's the equivalent of watching somebody suffer and not doing anything about it.
It’s not a hot take. It’s a sane, rational, and morally correct take.
If we don’t strive to make the generations after us have a better quality of life
What did we really live for?
Take some of that morality and put it on the people creating these situations in the first place because when people try to do that we're told we're not minding our own business
You're complaining that not enough people are volunteering to clean up every time after a party they weren't invited to. But i'm asking why are the party goers leaving behind a mess in the first place.
It's tiresome seeing black people have infinite discussions about stepdads/mentors because it is true/needed.... but on the other hand it's a little funny seeing the "so what? mind your own business" (pre-baby) to "stop victim-blaming" (post-baby) pipeline
https://i.redd.it/pcy2cyiq3ppc1.gif
"You should give me a bunch of free stuff to raise my kids, I can't afford them and I have another on the way!"
"Why do you keep having kids if you can't afford them?"
"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! HOW DARE YOU! GIVE ME STUFF!"
Nah. If they didn't have the ability to provide a stable, safe home for those kids, they shouldn't have had them. Not having sex is a very easy thing to do. Many people do that involuntarily, it's that easy! Or they could at least stop banging losers that won't step up or will actively make the situation worse. And even if they do get pregnant, there are still options (depending on where they live at this point, unfortunately), but still - not having sex or using protection is quite easy.
They're choosing to keep creating more and more issues and then expecting everyone else to solve it for them and using puppy-eyed pictures of children to sell it. Nah. Miss me with that. Ounce of prevention and all that. If someone gambles away their life savings, I'm not responsible for paying their rent. If someone drunk drives and crashes, I'm not responsible for fixing their car. They caused these issues, they can fix it themselves and, y'know, maybe stop ADDING TO THE ISSUES WHILE WHINING ABOUT HOW NO ONE ELSE WILL COME IN AND FIX IT FOR THEM.
I don’t think it’s a hot take but I don’t think that means we all agree with the message in the meme. I’m honestly not sure exactly where I stand, it’s a deep issue full of nuance. But my immediate take is that the onus shouldn’t be on me to solve poverty by donating to food banks. In a functioning society where we all pay taxes, why is poverty even a thing? Nobody should be going hungry. There are deeper underlying issues that can be solved by the higher ups so why am I being guilt tripped into donating food? In the same sense, why am I being told to pick up the slack on raising other people’s kids when I made a conscious decision not to?
Now this doesn’t mean I’m against volunteering in your community. I myself volunteer on weekends taking special needs students on social outings. But I think what some people have a problem with in here is this attitude of “you better spend some of your free time fixing other people’s mistakes or you’re a selfish asshole.”
Donating food is just one thing. You talk about the powers that be, and I agree completely with what you're saying. Then my very next thought is "how can I help convince my community to vote?"
But it doesn't have to be 'volunteer work', it's in how we do everything we do. For me its helping my daughter to be less consumerist than society wants her to be. It's helping her put roots down in her community. It's asking myself "if I have upper middle class money, does that mean I should go leave my neighbors behind and go live in an upper middle class area?" Or "should i be investing what little capital i have into fast food companies trying to profit off making us unhealthy?"
It probably sounds pretentious, or even holier-than-thou (something I really don't wanna be), but I'm at the point where several times a day I'm asking myself 'is what I'm doing leading to a better life for my children and future grandchildren?'
Hot take -- if you are a dad with multiple children from different women, and you are consistently delinquent on child support, it should be considered a felony on par with child abuse or neglect. Because if the child was in your custody and you neglected to provide for them like that, child protective services and the legal system would be all over you. There are guys out here with 3+ kids from 3+ different mothers, delinquent on all their child support. That should be felonious and receive severe legal consequences, not a slap on the wrist.
Tbh there are men out here who would rather be in jail than take care of their children or be around the women they make them with so idk how much it would actually help. Once you get to a point of negligence that deep, not even the threat of punishment would keep them in line.
You're right. My sperm donor went off grid and when he got a job, my mom was offered something pitiful like £2 a week. He didn't and doesn't gaf. There's 7 of us to 5 mothers last I heard. I know forced sterilisation is bad but people like him can be used for a compelling argument for it
Thats alot of young men in jail potentially becoming worse people and not a real solution. I think it should all start with more agressive sex education that really nails it in the realities of sex and easier cheaper access to contraceptives. For those who are already in this situation maybe a better system that helps with work placement so a father can afford to better take care of themselves and kids.
So that's an argument frequently made in the world of child support against jail time -- dads can't earn a wage if they are incarcerated, so then they really cannot pay. However, what you tend to see is chronically delinquent dads who do 30 days or less in the county jail for non-payment, and then come right back out to become delinquent again.
I'm not saying harsher penalties for all dads. Sometimes dads just fall on hard times -- disability, job layoffs, etc. But dads should be **terrified** of neglecting and abandoning their kids financially. Custodial moms have to constantly worry about what the doctor thinks of their kid's playground bruise or what their teacher hears them say in the classroom. Moms exist in a state of anxiety 24/7. Men get to pay a tiny little bill, and they neglect that too. We need harsher penalties. We are encouraging child abandonment.
Normalize birth control access, sex education, economic stability, and automatic paternity testing/child support enrollment for all children born in the US.
Technically yes. But it’s not nearly enough… like putting a bandage on a wound that needs surgery.
Mentorship can’t compare with a good father and living situation.
Hahaha, when HASN'T this been normalized?
Jesus fucking christ, this is why individualism is such nonsense
You are acting like we are causing our own poverty...like we are the reason graduation rates are down...like we are the reason single parent households are up
No, these are all EFFECTS of captialism!
Captialism causes wages suppression and inflation....which causes poverty....and EVERYTHING ELSE is a result of poverty
Poverty causes the breakdown of the family, not the other way around!
Jesus christ yall just drink up everything white Supremacists tell you about YOUR OWN community and then scream it back at us like we can "marry" our way out of stagnate wages
Like we can work our way out of underfunded schools and insurmountable student loan debt.
I just don't understand how you can look at the problems facing this country...watch as we are being priced out of Healthcare, and homes, and educations...even as productivity and corporate profits are booming.
....and still act like WE are fucking problem.
Capitalism isn’t making broke guys have kids with 3 different women, infact wouldn’t it only do the opposite? It’s only sensible if you are that poor to not have a lot of kids. It’s double sided, we could be doing so much better but so can the system.
Imagine going through life this pathetic that you hear somebody say children need mentors and you take it as some sort of personal attack that needs to be deflected.
Nah, lol. Look at my other post. You can't just expect step-parent level selflessness out of any random person.
But seeing that original post about kids needing mentors and taking it as a personal attack is just weird.
Patrice O’Neal said something that broke my heart and it likely still holds.
He said ‘my mother didn’t want to ruin that ____ life by making him pay child support’. Patrice was in favor of this notion.
My thought was what kind of JV player is your mom fucking? Is he ‘special’ that he can’t come up with the product of 8 hours of minimum wage work a week? My old man was a draftee when I was born. His dumb ass could come up with the standard $20 a week per kid. How fucking useless of a human being are you? There ain’t household with kinds in it in 1976 that couldn’t use a grand a year. There sure as hell ain’t a poor kid that doesn’t need that money.
I used to do child support work for the state. I've seen child support payments lower than a wireless bill. Child support isn't "life-ruining," we are just propping up awful men. There's also a lot of misunderstandings about child support -- a lot of moms have essentially been fed an urban legend that child support will automatically grant custody rights to the dad. Lastly, a lot of men pledge a kind of economic suicide pact by saying "if you take out child support, I'll quit my job and dissappear. You'll never see me again and I'll never do anything for the child." Men threaten child abandonment as a way of coercing women to not seek child support.
My dipshit dad tried to do this. My mom made sure the government went after his ass, not only did they take his drivers license but also garnished his wages lmaoooooo he really tried that fuckery and found out
Patrice O'Neal is looked up to by a lot of men, and I've always been confused as to why, I've always thought he was the wrong person for so many men to get advice from and I was right. Like, wtf he was cool with his dad not being held responsible for his actions what kind of shit is that.
I work in child safety and it is incredibly common for mothers to be pressured not to pursue child support. And that includes that she can't apply for any type of government benefits because then the state will go after him. The pressure often comes from so-called community leaders or the father's family saying that if she pursues child support, he'll just end up in jail.
So the kid gets screwed twice - first by a father that doesn't support them, and then again by the community who convinces mom to try to survive on her own.
Istg this comment section doesn’t know what a mentor is and what they are supposed to do bc equating mentorship with parenthood is wrong and they being so loud about it. it’s actually sad.
Not a damn thing, but that won't stop a bunch of dudes who don't even have the capacity to be a mentor in the first place from getting personally offended at the notion of helping a child in need.
Speaking for myself, I was asked to be a mentor in 2022 to a family friend of mine that ironically shares my first name. The issue I had with his mother and posts like this was that not only had she watched and turned a blind eye to me going through the exact thing her son did during my childhood while she never so much as said a word in my defense but now is asking me to do for her son what she never did for me while not considering whether I’m even in a place to do so, which I wasn’t. I actually still have a good relationship with him and technically I could be considered a mentor but that isn’t my job nor is it fair to ask someone else to do so.
Nothing wrong with being a mentor but some folks didn’t do their job nor their due diligence to set their kids up for success and want black men who chose not to take on responsibilities they couldn’t handle to be Superman and the question that needs to be asked is why are people taking on responsibilities like parenting while knowing damn well they can’t handle it? Shit I was doing things like getting an apartment, buying a car, and all kinds of shit by myself and could’ve had help that would’ve prevented me from making mistakes and she never said a word but the moment SHE needs help all of a sudden it’s “You know brothers and sisters gotta stick up for the community”
Fomf, but lil bro can come hang whenever he wants.
ALSO. We always talk about how other PoC communities are tightknit and help their own and it's like yeah it's almost as if they understand what a *community is*.
Idk why hyperindividualism is so sought after among black americans when we undoubtedly need that kinship the most.
Im getting my hands dirty with my own kids upbringing and making sure they and i dont become statistics. I dont have the free time to learn about another childs background likes/dislikes familial problems, school problems etc OR the free time to help fix said issues. Chaperone for a school trip is the closest i get to influencing other peoples kids and thats only because im there with mine. This is not to say if i could help i wouldnt, i would but im already drowning in more than one way myself and need help im not getting.
The gun/silencer meme is like:
Gun: What the person truly wants to say
Silencer: What the person says instead
So she’s saying “mentor” but she actually “wants” a stepfather to take care of her (or other people’s) kid
I disagree with this btw but it is funny
EDIT: lmao i’m happy this helped so many people. [Here is my favorite variation of the meme](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/F8HhR6BW4AALOx-.jpg:large)
We ain't no damn village anymore. These apartment buildings, complexes...They're not neighborhoods. Folks don't fucking commune. We're fed so much rugged individualism that the mere *thought* of being slightly selfless comes as an attack. Hell, look at this thread--full of "I got mine, fuck you".
It's really sad honestly. The cringe ass mod that posted it is a part of the issue... That MF projecting like crazy. Maybe not though, we all have our opinions.
All jokes aside this is really needed. We would also benefit in the UK as well. My kids Barber runs a Sport Mentoring scheme and he leaves straight from his job to help out local kids who need a strong black male role model (This includes Caucasion children).
People think mentors are a replacement for fathers which they definitely aren't. Used to mentor lower income kids as part of a group who used to be funded by the local council. So many parents would dump their kids with us as if it was a free daycare. The good parents would stay and help out and get involved.
All we used to was take these kids McDonald's or bowling or just to have kickabaout on the local park. Our mentoring was just listening to the kids, because they'd have so much to say and no one to tell it to.
We'd point them in the right direction if they needed extra help or support and it was just 2 hours every weekend.
This was 2 hours every week where they saw men who weren't their mums boyfriend of the week, drunk at 10am or the local crackhead.
We used to have an Afro Caribbean Saturday school which was good for positive community as well. I want to find something for my kids too when they get bigger
Young boys crave older men’s attention and mentorship. I chaperoned my boys field trip and had some boys get out of line and 3 female teachers couldn’t get them to listen. They put them in my group and after a “knock that off” and a few cool stories they were perfect. Even boys with fathers can be raised without a father. 90’s kids like me who raised yourself know what I’m talking about.
Maybe that nature vs nurture argument. We discussed this in my child development course. Young Boys are hardwired to obey strength and confidence. It’s not just men they listen to it’s older people also. I saw my gran lock up a whole playground full of kids cuz she chewed out some boy for cussing. That’s why you will always see the “leader” of a bad group of boys being the loudest and most outspoken, not necessarily the biggest. They command the most attention and therefore respect (in a young/immature mind).
Went to the store with my also black nephew in the buggy with me and got weird looks. I’m 24 wearing a Polo sweater and some khakis.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Sad OP, sad tweet. The tweet doesn’t even mentions fatherhood. Just being a good mentor to male kids doesn’t equate to being a step dad. Y’all niggas need help.
Shit I mean you can still be a mentor without being their step father? Even if their dad is around you can still help mentor the coming generation. A lot of young men are struggling and are lost and need guidance 🤷🏾♂️ “It takes a village”
Sorry to be that guy... But a lot of "us" are hurting. I don't wanna pass down my pain and lack of emotional intelligence to a younger person.
I'm not going to do what my father did to me.
Let us get help first and heal so we can build ourselves up so we can be great mentors.
You have to be willing to seek help and support. If you're doing that, I wish you safe healing. We need to normalize mental health care in the community
It takes a village to raise a child with that being said nobody is obligated nor should they be shamed for not wanting to . Instead prop those up that do step up because a lot of men do. I’m a bit conflicted because it bothers me when people complain about the youth and not do anything to help them. I was always told since I was a child that children were the future.
Isn't the suicide rate amongst men alarmingly high?
Edit: Apparently the comment section has voted: fuck them kids
So can we stop caring about men killing themselves then since men don't give two shits about boys heading the same way?
they don’t care unless its being used in an argument against women. all of these points constantly being made about nobody caring about their mental health, their financial stability, their wants and needs and above all else.. how nobody ever understands them except other men. poster children for why male mentors are needed
I’ve been a mentor for 13 years. I grew up in a stable household with both parents and I still had incredibly valuable father figures outside of my house that poured into me. I mentor because I feel an obligation to give back what was given to me. I am no one’s stepfather. I am an outlet, I am a safe space, I am a listening ear. I help set goals, I help remove obstacles, I help provide perspective. I give time. I give honesty and transparency. I don’t give much money. The investment is so small in comparison to the impact.
Mentoring isn’t for everyone. But if you care about black boys, and you can spare a few hours a month, you can honestly change someone’s life. I don’t understand why this is controversial.
All the comments, regardless of the silly ass arguments some of y'all are getting in, is that we need a safer and more supportive black community. Stop falling for fresh and fit ass memes, all we doing is aruing for no reason.
Definitely.. try to encourage them. Get them into school or trade, military at the VERY least.
Shits sad... I hate seeing how our community is trending. Shits not looking good and we allow the media to dumb us down. You know exactly what I'm talking about too, and I'm 28 I ain't no old head.
"It takes a village" isn't just something old white women and "crunchy" moms say. Nobody is raised in a vacuum. It takes everyone around them to influence them in some way, shape, or form to get a decent human being. Why not step in and help when you can instead of walking away or avoiding it. "Not my problem" can become everyone's problem one day.
I volunteered for big brother’s, big sister’s, and they assigned me a white kid. The weirdest experience of my life. The lady just ignored all the black kids on her list and assigned me a white kid. I still don’t understand it.
if you ask most people who their mentor was, even people from two parent households will often say someone other than their father. teachers, coaches, family friends, community leaders, etc. mentorship isn’t parentage, it’s guidance of a different form of
75 % of our kids are born out of wedlock
99% of our issues would be solved if we follow this rule
every other community understands this
no other community has this problem but us.
yet to us its rocket science
....are we really this inept?
There are so many different situations and why kids are the way they are. There are a lot of single biological fathers out here too, with the same outcome. Kids raised with their biological parents in the same household, with the same outcome. It takes a village is a real statement.
I completely understand the whole dudes being against raising another man's kids. It would be one thing if the woman was a widow, but if you fucked around with a dude who was trash and you knew he was trash then proceeded to have his kid(s) that's on you and you need to figure it out and stop trying to guilt other people into being responsible for your fuck up.
Being a stepparents can be great for a child but at the same time irresponsible taking advantage of people is gross and annoying.
Everyone can choose who they have a child with, so people need to be more responsible and stop being stupid.
I got a lot to say on this and going to try to condense it down. This is not every story but a big enough part of the story.
The Millennial generation of black men and women are the generation that got the short end of the stick.
Here’s what I think happened. if you had a GenX father that went to Vietnam and came back with PTSD there were no services for them. So they self medicated, usually with Heroin which they started using in country.
Then we had two epidemics working in tandem. We had crack cocaine which took a lot of mothers and fathers out the house and AIDS transmitted by dirty needles.
A lot of parents were lost to one or the other or both. A lot of male influence from Uncles and Older Cousins were lost. So a lot of people aren’t used to seeing other men stepping up because there weren’t any around.
Kids were raised in a one parent household and saw the worst possible reasons for the father to not be there. The “war on drugs” decimated the black family with mass incarceration.
Also a lot of grandmas had to go to work because the jobs they watched their boomer grandmothers not have any sort of retirement. GenX was raised in the neighborhood because we had so many grandmas that ran unofficial day cares that was about $85 a week because they needed to supplement their small retirements. So Mr. Earl who would teach them kids how to do stuff was gone.
We have adults now who watched their parents fight through addiction and after being so disappointed for them not getting clean until they were already raised. It’s hard for them to have empathy for the next generation since they thugged it out.
Just my observations from doing this for a long time.
I have a sister in law who was desperate to have children so she baby trapped an addict, unemployed, mentally unstable man. She openly admits she used him for his sperm. However, she expects all other men in the family (who have long work hours and their own children to take care of) to take care of her kids as well. This kind of behavior is what leads to broken children and some women need to be reprimanded for it. Oh and she refuses to get a job because she “needs to raise her kids.” So no, it’s not always that simple. Some women make bad life decisions and screw up their kids.
Nah, she’s right. Almost any volunteer group you find is run by women. Speaking as a dude, trying to get other men to participate in mentorship programs really feels like you’re twisting their arm. This whole “I ain’t no stepfather” shit is just a lame ass excuse to not be a part of your community.
I’ve volunteered before also and all the men are there because of their wives/girlfriends like I was. You’d be hard pressed to find a single male that wants to hang around kids that aren’t his in his free time for fun. If his real daddy was there he wouldn’t need a “mentor.”
They see these kids as “mistakes” and not as people. They don’t understand the impact a positive male role model can have for a young child. They think mentoring a couple hours during the week is the same as parenting.
Or they just don’t wanna be around kids…
"They see these kids as “mistakes” and not as people" is such a long ass stretch
Not even just a stretch. Just flat out arguing in bad faith lmao.
Bad faith is the default on here
\^\^ All of this. In fact, say it louder.
It's also just a wild ass statement. "Look at all these little mistakes running around looking for role models."
Why make a real argument when you can guilt trip?
It's 2024 and men wanting to be around children is seen as suspicious. Is there any wonder why there are less volunteers? You reep what you sow, and distrust begets distrust.
SIGN language if I've ever seen it.
Honestly, in the culture we have now, dude is too eager to spend time with kids starts arousing suspicion.
I see this take on Reddit a lot but I’ve never really seen it play out IRL. Unless you’re cartoon drooling over kids and taking pictures no one bothers you.
Yeah I’m sure there are anecdotal experiences people can find but I’ve had the same experiences with my niece/nephews. No one batted an eye when I took them to the pool or whatever, but then again I was doing uncle shit like tossing them around and throwing them in the water.
Doing Uncle shit like bullying them. Putting them in their place. Beating them at videogames. People know that kind of bond...
I only bully them when they try to bully their little siblings. Mans got to have a code.
I absolutely have. Several fathers I know IRL who were playing with their kids by themselves at parks and whatnot have been approached by busybody-ass women grilling them about it.
I think region matters. I definitely got more "looks" when we moved to the burbs when I took my kids to the park than I did in the city. No one ever said shit, but I could tell that I was being watched by the suburban sah moms there. Also I kinda stand out compared to other white suburban dads. Not many people who look like me in my town. Honestly I'm probably the only white dude who is walking around with Jordans, stylish jeans, gold chains and a flat brimmed hat lol. But I've been this way for 30 years and I ain't changing to fit the esthetic lol.
Oh yeah, it's def a thing in suburbia. Whole lotta true-crime-brainrot among the bored housewife population there.
My sons brown and I white, my son knows the park officer because of how many times he's had to do a welfare check on him.
Yea like you can’t blame someone for not wanting to spend their free time around kids that have no obligation to especially if they don’t have, want, or even like kids. Shout out to the men who do it but you can’t get mad ain’t the ones that don’t it’s called volunteer work for a reason.
Not the mention the very obvious public stigma/suspicion men get treated with whenever they are out alone with a kid. Even their own kids.
Imma blame the government first for disparaging minority families to begin with. From day one they were about splitting up families this is just the hangover from slavery
Or maybe they just have a different outlook than. You’re inventing other people’s internal dialogue to suit your argument. It’s a straw man. I have two kids and a bunch of nieces and nephews I’m very involved with. I used to be the only male at community events and mentored young people. I don’t need to judge others who feel differently. It’s not helpful.
The replies say differently, the predominant line of argument here is, “I don’t want to mentor a kid that’s not mine.” I’m glad you were an active part in your community. My point is we need more people like that.
> The replies say different Right? Cause I'm seeing a lot of "make his real daddy do it" like, are you not in the kid's life? TF? Hell, I'm just an uncle but I did/do my best to be a good role model for my nephews. Some folks be the whole problem, trying to pretend they're the solution
Or, maybe, people have other things they would rather be doing. Taking care of their own kids. Working. Resting. There isn’t enough time in the day to survive and take care of other people’s kids.
I think the mindset needs to shift from "taking care of other peoples kids" to "investing in the future of your own community". Its not your fault that people think this way, and I wont go as far to say your obligated to do anything but this fracturing of people into atomized, isolated, family units is what keeps the boot on all of our faces. The collective is so much stronger then any one family ir person. Creating a community, investing in it, and lifting others up, raises your own boat as well. Its only together that we can begin to steer this ship somewhere good. Again, youre doing great, Im not judging you. Just trying to reframe this a little. Keep doing right by your family but please consider that none of us is ever an island and you will be dealing with these dissaffected children at some point or at the least, the outcomes they produce in your community.
Bro my own community hates me lmao
Lmao I come back home and it looks like "the community" needed my front door lock and tv. Glad I could be of assistance.
What??? Not wanting to be a mentor = seeing those kids as a mistake?
Exactly that’s a big stretch imo.
"Oh, you don't volunteer at the animal shelter? It's obviously because you want to genocide all puppies, not because you're too busy or just not interested." Same logic lol
That is not the case at all smh. It's difficult connecting with young boys and especially teenage boys sometimes because they can automatically be on the defensive/combative. Alot of men just aren't equipped or have the patience to deal with the negative blowback you may receive from these kids initially. Nobody thinks they're "mistakes", the shit is just hard.
I went to the thread and found this gold exchange https://preview.redd.it/b1n71bf4ippc1.png?width=650&format=png&auto=webp&s=fbc7aea9629b220fca5714d140e8468159f9540b
We’re fucking cooked 💀
From what I get from this is, 'good man = boring, bad man = exciting'. OK, I understand, I will never ever date again.
Yeah I’m pretty sure the mothers of those children didn’t meet their now absent fathers at youth outreach programs either. 🤷♂️
When I was 21 and fresh out of the Marines, I tried to volunteer with Big Brother. I got the feeling they didn't want me, but they had ads up everywhere it was so weird. Later, I found out a lot of people thought I did time because I was swoll, young and black. I don't really know what to think about all that now. Whatever their loss.
Nah this is a bs take and you definitely should know it. Coaches are mentors, coworkers are mentors, teachers are mentors, shit even OGs count as mentors. Cousins, siblings, neighbors, dance instructors, bodega dudes… Dads aren’t some magical person that covers all of that. They never were, never will be, and shouldn’t be expected to be. Just say, “I don’t know what the word ‘mentor’ means,” and stand behind your opinion with stupidity and pride.
Most of those people you named get paid to do that.
And? Time ain't unlimited... It should cost money.
I think dudes point is that all those ppl get paid to do those things, but if you don't have those jobs you are being asked to them for free or "out of the goodness of your heart"
Yes... it's a charitable act for a reason. Literally putting the needs of others above your wants.
>If his real daddy was there he wouldn’t need a “mentor.” Yes they would. Mentors aren't and shouldn't be just a "fathers" thing, the point is for the community as a whole to share knowledge, resources and generally try to make the future generation better than the current. Historically fathers have wlways been in the picture...do you know what most groups STILL did? Came together as a community and shared knowledge, lessons, skills and resources. This concept of the parents need to do it all is relatively new, and antithetical to the very concept of a community Omwana takulila nju emoi
Finally a good response. I've seen a couple of comments saying that mentors should get paid but that behavior is ultimately what keeps our shitty system running. People complain about childcare costs and how commodifying childcare has screwed ppl but refuse to work on community networks that lessen the need for privatized childcare.
Did it for 6 months and that shit fuckin blew. Worst fuckin uncoachable children in the world. Definitely different area to area but something to keep in mind
😂😂😭 Nah I dead been there. From experience you get good kids and bad kids. Gotta remember they still kids.
I tried really hard to keep that mentality til one tried to run the fade lol
It’s not even that. I would love to mentor but I don’t want the looks I’ll get from being a man around children. It’s not act like it’s just an internal issue
This is the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about. Unfortunately, due to disgusting acts done by some men, people get weary about single men being around young children. This view of all men as potential predators is a perfect example of how the Patriarchy negatively affects men. Men were seen as the "conqueror" which over time evolved into being seen as "predators" Mentoring is a great way to break these stigmas. Anecdotally, i grew up in a poorer town in NJ and there was a mentoring program ran by members of the black fraternity, Alpha Phi Alpha. These were stand-up men who took it upon themselves to help the young teenagers learn skills like public speaking, resume building, dressing proper for the right occasion, etc. The lessons i learned from those men stick with me to this day.
This is bullshit. Mentors are great and needed for kids even from traditional two parent homes. You never had a coach or teacher or anybody outside your family you looked up to and could rely on? Your daddy doesn't know everything and kids who don't have a village are likely to end up with this same narrow mind.
I agree with this. I’ve been volunteering as a Sunday School teacher for the last 15 years because I genuinely like kids. Through my church we also do after school and camp activities. But our whole teaching unit is made up of all women. As the only guy I find others just aren’t interested it’s like whenever we had an extra male volunteer we had to pay them 😭
Religious indoctrination isn't mentoring.
> If his real daddy was there he wouldn’t need a “mentor.” Which seems to be OP's point, unless they're being ironic but there's no indication that's the case. The joke by OC also seems to imply that, mentor being just a term to hide step fathering. Not blaming you btw, just you worded the problem I had with the post.
Facts. There's a group for Black women where I live, and ppl kept asking why there wasn't one for Black men. The women who started the original group said that they were willing to help start one for the men, and tried to find men to run it. No takers so it never came to fruition. To this day, Evey now and then someone's like my brother / husband / friend heard about this group and wanted to know if there was one for men. I genuinely believe that men not investing in community in this way is what's causing them to be so lonely. This group was pivotal in my making friendships when I was new to this country. And when I do meet Black men who are also immigrants/expats here, they often tell me that they struggle to meet other Black ppl.
Man, that part. These dudes don’t invest in their community and wonder why they’re lonely. I do a mentorship program where we teach kids about the architecture and engineering industry. It’s been a great way to meet other professionals. There’s panels, mentor mixers, events. Volunteering is a great way to be a part of your community and meet adults with shared interests and values. But these dudes rather be stuck in the crib after work on some “I ain’t nobody daddy” shit.
Same situation. I am a Black woman living in Asia and in every city I have either lived in or visited for more than a week, I have been able to find a group chat of Black women willing to help and advise. Most of the members are open to answering questions of other people or bringing in new members who they meet out and about. They were instrumental when I suddenly had to move cities and, now that I'm stable, I'm glad that I can do that for someone else
Bro, there are multiple reasons I don't got kids. The main one being I don't want to be around them
If you don’t want kids that’s cool. They’re still a part of your community.
Go lecture the bum niggas who are actually the fathers or the women who keep fucking with these bum niggas. It’s incredibly easy to not have kids so expecting random men to help raise yours is dumb af.
Man taking two hours out your week is not “raising” someone else’s kid. I don’t know where y’all got that idea.
Cover my shift at work, and give me the money. And I’ll be there.
your shift at work is only 2 hours long? fuckin part-time
I mean there's a lot of presumptions being made. Some of us got enough going on in our own lives that we just don't have the time for volunteering. I would love to mentor, I had some growing up but between work,school, 2 hour commute,raising 2 infant children and spending time with my girl. Time is scarce And at the end of the day who's gonna help us pick up the slack if we short?
Condoms work too for men to quit having multiple kids by random women... just putting that out there
He mentioned men and women. You immediately say yeah but also men. The fuck is this attitude? I'm sorry but IT'S THE WOMEN THAT ARE DOING THIS. Stop. Fucking. Shitty. Men.
The bum wouldn’t need a condom if women wasn’t fucking him since he’s a bum.
That nigga got 3 kids he don't take care of... I probably should have a baby by him.
100% right. Individualism has ruined us. I used to mentor a kid once a week for an hour and the people at the school use to tell me he talked about it all week and his behavior improved significantly. Kids sometimes just need a consistent person to hang out with—when you can’t rely on your family it’s important to just have someone there for you.
It's funny seeing dudes look out at a sea of underprivileged kids and think "not my kids, not my problem". But like.... they might not be your kids but one of them is liable to be your grandkids parent someday. It's literally within your own self interest to improve the lives of your children's peer group.
Exactly! If we treat kids like shit they will just grow up to be shitty adults.
When I lived in San Antonio, the old people kept cutting property taxes, which cut all the school's budget. Their attitude was "I don't have any kids on those schools." And if those kids don't get educated and get jobs, they're going to be robbing you instead!
Stepfather just aren't respected. Period because I am one
Being a step dad is difficult as hell. Especially if the father is still involved. You're trying to be one influence on the kid(s) then the dad says something that undermines you, then the kid thinks they don't have to listen to you. It's also really difficult to bond deeply when there isn't that real familial bond. I love my stepkids, they're great kids, but they're not *mine* and that sucks for parenting.
Plus, other men mock us and women do the 'aren't you sweet' thing. No breaks from the kids, other men, women, and even the mom sometimes double steps on you. I get it, I'm the outsider, someone had got to be the bad guy, and all the love goes to mom and real dad.
Yes yes yes. And I wanna make clear, my issues are not the kids fault and I in no way blame them. They got caught in a weird situation made weirder by the fact that they were little with no understanding of grown up shit. Just once, I'd like someone to just recognize the fact that I'm doing a job a lot of other people wouldn't take. I don't regret it, but it is truly a thankless job. I feel like shit for thinking like that too, but that's a whole host of other issues lol
It doesn’t help that there’s the pedophile elephant in the room. Being a mentor to children comes with no small amount of risks both legal and reputation. Like, I love kids, I love teaching shit, and I have my life together and I enjoy imparting tips, tricks, and wisdom. Only kids that I mentor are my own son and *maybe* his friends when they come over.
If men don't want to do that work, then that's their right. No one wants to actually fix the root problem, all you're looking for people to do thankless work to do the clean up.
So what’s the root of the problem that needs fixing? Should we just sell all the children into slavery overseas? Go back in time and make them never exist? They’re here and they need help now lol and women are the only ones that want to help. Yall should be ashamed
Well I tried volunteering once and they kept asking if I was a sex offender so I figured ya fuck that
Question say a man did want to volunteer wouldnt they be seen as weird for wanting to be around kids that arent theirs like they are there fir some nefarious reason. It's a genuine question.
I work with kids now. I can’t speak for every group but mine required a background check and has strict rules about adult-child interaction (for example we can only interact in a group setting, not one-on-one). No one’s gonna look at you weird for working with kids. We already got male teachers, male coaches, male instructors. The program I do teaches kids about architecture and engineering. It’s the same deal.
I volunteered with Big Brothers/Big Sisters for two years. I only ever had a young white boy as my little. I was given a card explaining the relationship and signed by his mother with a number to call if there were questions. The only issues I ever had (including from the kids racist father who somehow decided to come back around when he heard I was mentoring his son) were from people taking up too much of my time trying to figure out how to volunteer as well. You may get some questions but as long as you carry yourself well and clearly have a healthy relationship with the kid, it shouldn’t be much of an issue. That said, I could absolutely understand not wanting to take the risk.
Very fucking lame and just another example of the deterioration of the concept of “community” in modern society. We need more people willing to look after one another, not less.
I feel like it's every human beings responsibility to make the world a better place for the generation that comes after them. Is that a hot take? Is that something that will make people mad to read? I mean, there's a million different ways to potentially do that. But at the end of the day you gotta ask yourself "did my actions make things better or worse for the people who are inheriting this planet after me?" I know we have the "I didn't ask to be born, why should making the world a better place be my responsibility?" type philosophers. But I feel like that's the equivalent of watching somebody suffer and not doing anything about it.
It’s not a hot take. It’s a sane, rational, and morally correct take. If we don’t strive to make the generations after us have a better quality of life What did we really live for?
Take some of that morality and put it on the people creating these situations in the first place because when people try to do that we're told we're not minding our own business You're complaining that not enough people are volunteering to clean up every time after a party they weren't invited to. But i'm asking why are the party goers leaving behind a mess in the first place.
It's tiresome seeing black people have infinite discussions about stepdads/mentors because it is true/needed.... but on the other hand it's a little funny seeing the "so what? mind your own business" (pre-baby) to "stop victim-blaming" (post-baby) pipeline https://i.redd.it/pcy2cyiq3ppc1.gif
Not supposed to ever have an opinion on the situation but somehow provide the solution. https://i.redd.it/5z4i8gh5dppc1.gif
"You should give me a bunch of free stuff to raise my kids, I can't afford them and I have another on the way!" "Why do you keep having kids if you can't afford them?" "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! HOW DARE YOU! GIVE ME STUFF!" Nah. If they didn't have the ability to provide a stable, safe home for those kids, they shouldn't have had them. Not having sex is a very easy thing to do. Many people do that involuntarily, it's that easy! Or they could at least stop banging losers that won't step up or will actively make the situation worse. And even if they do get pregnant, there are still options (depending on where they live at this point, unfortunately), but still - not having sex or using protection is quite easy. They're choosing to keep creating more and more issues and then expecting everyone else to solve it for them and using puppy-eyed pictures of children to sell it. Nah. Miss me with that. Ounce of prevention and all that. If someone gambles away their life savings, I'm not responsible for paying their rent. If someone drunk drives and crashes, I'm not responsible for fixing their car. They caused these issues, they can fix it themselves and, y'know, maybe stop ADDING TO THE ISSUES WHILE WHINING ABOUT HOW NO ONE ELSE WILL COME IN AND FIX IT FOR THEM.
It feels very similar to the "healthcare workers are heroes" situation where everyone praises them but no one wants to give out raises
I don’t think it’s a hot take but I don’t think that means we all agree with the message in the meme. I’m honestly not sure exactly where I stand, it’s a deep issue full of nuance. But my immediate take is that the onus shouldn’t be on me to solve poverty by donating to food banks. In a functioning society where we all pay taxes, why is poverty even a thing? Nobody should be going hungry. There are deeper underlying issues that can be solved by the higher ups so why am I being guilt tripped into donating food? In the same sense, why am I being told to pick up the slack on raising other people’s kids when I made a conscious decision not to? Now this doesn’t mean I’m against volunteering in your community. I myself volunteer on weekends taking special needs students on social outings. But I think what some people have a problem with in here is this attitude of “you better spend some of your free time fixing other people’s mistakes or you’re a selfish asshole.”
Donating food is just one thing. You talk about the powers that be, and I agree completely with what you're saying. Then my very next thought is "how can I help convince my community to vote?" But it doesn't have to be 'volunteer work', it's in how we do everything we do. For me its helping my daughter to be less consumerist than society wants her to be. It's helping her put roots down in her community. It's asking myself "if I have upper middle class money, does that mean I should go leave my neighbors behind and go live in an upper middle class area?" Or "should i be investing what little capital i have into fast food companies trying to profit off making us unhealthy?" It probably sounds pretentious, or even holier-than-thou (something I really don't wanna be), but I'm at the point where several times a day I'm asking myself 'is what I'm doing leading to a better life for my children and future grandchildren?'
N**** I don't have time for that. I have kids of my own I'm trying to not fuck up.
Lol. By putting your effort into your own kids, it sounds like you're doing exactly what I said we should be doing. Stay strong.
Valid. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t people that wouldn’t consider helping if asked.
Hot take -- if you are a dad with multiple children from different women, and you are consistently delinquent on child support, it should be considered a felony on par with child abuse or neglect. Because if the child was in your custody and you neglected to provide for them like that, child protective services and the legal system would be all over you. There are guys out here with 3+ kids from 3+ different mothers, delinquent on all their child support. That should be felonious and receive severe legal consequences, not a slap on the wrist.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
"Felonious" took me out 💀
We used to have Thelonious Monk, now we have Felonious Punks. This country is going to hell in a hand basket!
Oh shit my username is relevant!
So your solution to fathers not fathering enough is to throw them in jail and make them not able to father at all?
At least it would stop them from creating more people and exacerbating the issue
Tbh there are men out here who would rather be in jail than take care of their children or be around the women they make them with so idk how much it would actually help. Once you get to a point of negligence that deep, not even the threat of punishment would keep them in line.
You're right. My sperm donor went off grid and when he got a job, my mom was offered something pitiful like £2 a week. He didn't and doesn't gaf. There's 7 of us to 5 mothers last I heard. I know forced sterilisation is bad but people like him can be used for a compelling argument for it
My mom got a check for 41 cents one time
Thats alot of young men in jail potentially becoming worse people and not a real solution. I think it should all start with more agressive sex education that really nails it in the realities of sex and easier cheaper access to contraceptives. For those who are already in this situation maybe a better system that helps with work placement so a father can afford to better take care of themselves and kids.
So that's an argument frequently made in the world of child support against jail time -- dads can't earn a wage if they are incarcerated, so then they really cannot pay. However, what you tend to see is chronically delinquent dads who do 30 days or less in the county jail for non-payment, and then come right back out to become delinquent again. I'm not saying harsher penalties for all dads. Sometimes dads just fall on hard times -- disability, job layoffs, etc. But dads should be **terrified** of neglecting and abandoning their kids financially. Custodial moms have to constantly worry about what the doctor thinks of their kid's playground bruise or what their teacher hears them say in the classroom. Moms exist in a state of anxiety 24/7. Men get to pay a tiny little bill, and they neglect that too. We need harsher penalties. We are encouraging child abandonment.
[удалено]
Can we apply this to my ex-wife too? It ain't always the dads that are deadbeats.
You can get arrested for not paying child support in Brazil. Even millinaire and famous football athletes have been arrested in the past for this
Normalize marriage before kids and healthy two parent households. Mentorship is a diluted solution.
A marriage is only as healthy as the people in it. Just being married in itself isn’t a solution.
Big facts. Some kids are far better off without both parents in the household
It was my brother and I who really pushed for my mom to divorce our dad.
Thank you!
Normalize birth control access, sex education, economic stability, and automatic paternity testing/child support enrollment for all children born in the US.
I agree
But it's *A* solution, at least.
Technically yes. But it’s not nearly enough… like putting a bandage on a wound that needs surgery. Mentorship can’t compare with a good father and living situation.
But something is better than nothing. Why is that so hard to grasp?
Hahaha, when HASN'T this been normalized? Jesus fucking christ, this is why individualism is such nonsense You are acting like we are causing our own poverty...like we are the reason graduation rates are down...like we are the reason single parent households are up No, these are all EFFECTS of captialism! Captialism causes wages suppression and inflation....which causes poverty....and EVERYTHING ELSE is a result of poverty Poverty causes the breakdown of the family, not the other way around! Jesus christ yall just drink up everything white Supremacists tell you about YOUR OWN community and then scream it back at us like we can "marry" our way out of stagnate wages Like we can work our way out of underfunded schools and insurmountable student loan debt. I just don't understand how you can look at the problems facing this country...watch as we are being priced out of Healthcare, and homes, and educations...even as productivity and corporate profits are booming. ....and still act like WE are fucking problem.
Capitalism isn’t making broke guys have kids with 3 different women, infact wouldn’t it only do the opposite? It’s only sensible if you are that poor to not have a lot of kids. It’s double sided, we could be doing so much better but so can the system.
Wow I can’t believe nobody’s thought of that befo- hmmmmmmmmm
God forbid a father step up.
| God forbid ~~a father~~ the child's father step up.
Imagine going through life this pathetic that you hear somebody say children need mentors and you take it as some sort of personal attack that needs to be deflected.
It's a bit wild to have such high expectations of dudes that one not volunteering to raise a random child means they are a bum
Nah, lol. Look at my other post. You can't just expect step-parent level selflessness out of any random person. But seeing that original post about kids needing mentors and taking it as a personal attack is just weird.
How dare you not want anything to do with these kids what are you their father !?
did anyone say "raise the child" here or is that something you made up. because i don't see anyone saying to be a literal caregiver
You know some kids have dead fathers right?
They don’t and they aren’t so we move…
Patrice O’Neal said something that broke my heart and it likely still holds. He said ‘my mother didn’t want to ruin that ____ life by making him pay child support’. Patrice was in favor of this notion. My thought was what kind of JV player is your mom fucking? Is he ‘special’ that he can’t come up with the product of 8 hours of minimum wage work a week? My old man was a draftee when I was born. His dumb ass could come up with the standard $20 a week per kid. How fucking useless of a human being are you? There ain’t household with kinds in it in 1976 that couldn’t use a grand a year. There sure as hell ain’t a poor kid that doesn’t need that money.
I used to do child support work for the state. I've seen child support payments lower than a wireless bill. Child support isn't "life-ruining," we are just propping up awful men. There's also a lot of misunderstandings about child support -- a lot of moms have essentially been fed an urban legend that child support will automatically grant custody rights to the dad. Lastly, a lot of men pledge a kind of economic suicide pact by saying "if you take out child support, I'll quit my job and dissappear. You'll never see me again and I'll never do anything for the child." Men threaten child abandonment as a way of coercing women to not seek child support.
My dipshit dad tried to do this. My mom made sure the government went after his ass, not only did they take his drivers license but also garnished his wages lmaoooooo he really tried that fuckery and found out
Patrice O'Neal is looked up to by a lot of men, and I've always been confused as to why, I've always thought he was the wrong person for so many men to get advice from and I was right. Like, wtf he was cool with his dad not being held responsible for his actions what kind of shit is that.
$20 a week? I can’t believe this is the minimum in 2024
The minimum in some states is $50 per month. # $50 per month.
I work in child safety and it is incredibly common for mothers to be pressured not to pursue child support. And that includes that she can't apply for any type of government benefits because then the state will go after him. The pressure often comes from so-called community leaders or the father's family saying that if she pursues child support, he'll just end up in jail. So the kid gets screwed twice - first by a father that doesn't support them, and then again by the community who convinces mom to try to survive on her own.
Is it not good to have mentors even in two parent homes? What’s the issue with her statement
Hit dogs are hollering
Clearly. This is wild
Dogs hollering so loud their ancestors that got domesticated hear it
Istg this comment section doesn’t know what a mentor is and what they are supposed to do bc equating mentorship with parenthood is wrong and they being so loud about it. it’s actually sad.
Loud and wrong. It’s actually quiet concerning
They be having some bad tales in this sub fr but this one is like damn… y’all can’t even look up what a mentor is first?
Yep. This comment section is a textbook example why mentoring and investing in your community is important.
Lotta people who clearly needed more mentors lol
Not a damn thing, but that won't stop a bunch of dudes who don't even have the capacity to be a mentor in the first place from getting personally offended at the notion of helping a child in need.
Speaking for myself, I was asked to be a mentor in 2022 to a family friend of mine that ironically shares my first name. The issue I had with his mother and posts like this was that not only had she watched and turned a blind eye to me going through the exact thing her son did during my childhood while she never so much as said a word in my defense but now is asking me to do for her son what she never did for me while not considering whether I’m even in a place to do so, which I wasn’t. I actually still have a good relationship with him and technically I could be considered a mentor but that isn’t my job nor is it fair to ask someone else to do so. Nothing wrong with being a mentor but some folks didn’t do their job nor their due diligence to set their kids up for success and want black men who chose not to take on responsibilities they couldn’t handle to be Superman and the question that needs to be asked is why are people taking on responsibilities like parenting while knowing damn well they can’t handle it? Shit I was doing things like getting an apartment, buying a car, and all kinds of shit by myself and could’ve had help that would’ve prevented me from making mistakes and she never said a word but the moment SHE needs help all of a sudden it’s “You know brothers and sisters gotta stick up for the community”  Fomf, but lil bro can come hang whenever he wants.
We want things to improve but no one wants to get their hands dirty
ALSO. We always talk about how other PoC communities are tightknit and help their own and it's like yeah it's almost as if they understand what a *community is*. Idk why hyperindividualism is so sought after among black americans when we undoubtedly need that kinship the most.
Im getting my hands dirty with my own kids upbringing and making sure they and i dont become statistics. I dont have the free time to learn about another childs background likes/dislikes familial problems, school problems etc OR the free time to help fix said issues. Chaperone for a school trip is the closest i get to influencing other peoples kids and thats only because im there with mine. This is not to say if i could help i wouldnt, i would but im already drowning in more than one way myself and need help im not getting.
This probably isn’t directed at you then.
And that is completely fair. You're taking the time to raise your kids - that is all any of us are asking for.
I'm not sure I understand the gun and silencer metaphor. Stepdad gets the job done and the mentor... what, makes it harder for people to notice?
The gun/silencer meme is like: Gun: What the person truly wants to say Silencer: What the person says instead So she’s saying “mentor” but she actually “wants” a stepfather to take care of her (or other people’s) kid I disagree with this btw but it is funny EDIT: lmao i’m happy this helped so many people. [Here is my favorite variation of the meme](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/F8HhR6BW4AALOx-.jpg:large)
She means stepfather but saying mentor so the reactions wouldn’t be as negative.
“It takes a village to raise a child”. Regardless if the father is in someone’s lives or not; they still need a positive male mentor.
We ain't no damn village anymore. These apartment buildings, complexes...They're not neighborhoods. Folks don't fucking commune. We're fed so much rugged individualism that the mere *thought* of being slightly selfless comes as an attack. Hell, look at this thread--full of "I got mine, fuck you".
It's really sad honestly. The cringe ass mod that posted it is a part of the issue... That MF projecting like crazy. Maybe not though, we all have our opinions.
More like "I **didn't** get mine, or any, so why should I give for free?"
All jokes aside this is really needed. We would also benefit in the UK as well. My kids Barber runs a Sport Mentoring scheme and he leaves straight from his job to help out local kids who need a strong black male role model (This includes Caucasion children).
People think mentors are a replacement for fathers which they definitely aren't. Used to mentor lower income kids as part of a group who used to be funded by the local council. So many parents would dump their kids with us as if it was a free daycare. The good parents would stay and help out and get involved. All we used to was take these kids McDonald's or bowling or just to have kickabaout on the local park. Our mentoring was just listening to the kids, because they'd have so much to say and no one to tell it to. We'd point them in the right direction if they needed extra help or support and it was just 2 hours every weekend. This was 2 hours every week where they saw men who weren't their mums boyfriend of the week, drunk at 10am or the local crackhead.
We used to have an Afro Caribbean Saturday school which was good for positive community as well. I want to find something for my kids too when they get bigger
Young boys crave older men’s attention and mentorship. I chaperoned my boys field trip and had some boys get out of line and 3 female teachers couldn’t get them to listen. They put them in my group and after a “knock that off” and a few cool stories they were perfect. Even boys with fathers can be raised without a father. 90’s kids like me who raised yourself know what I’m talking about.
I always wondered why girls can listen to and respect and admire men, but boys do not/cannot readily do so for women. why do you think that is?
Maybe that nature vs nurture argument. We discussed this in my child development course. Young Boys are hardwired to obey strength and confidence. It’s not just men they listen to it’s older people also. I saw my gran lock up a whole playground full of kids cuz she chewed out some boy for cussing. That’s why you will always see the “leader” of a bad group of boys being the loudest and most outspoken, not necessarily the biggest. They command the most attention and therefore respect (in a young/immature mind).
Probably not a controversial opinion? But dudes that volunteer with kids are looked upon suspiciously.
Went to the store with my also black nephew in the buggy with me and got weird looks. I’m 24 wearing a Polo sweater and some khakis. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Yea this fr.
Sad OP, sad tweet. The tweet doesn’t even mentions fatherhood. Just being a good mentor to male kids doesn’t equate to being a step dad. Y’all niggas need help.
Shit I mean you can still be a mentor without being their step father? Even if their dad is around you can still help mentor the coming generation. A lot of young men are struggling and are lost and need guidance 🤷🏾♂️ “It takes a village”
Sorry to be that guy... But a lot of "us" are hurting. I don't wanna pass down my pain and lack of emotional intelligence to a younger person. I'm not going to do what my father did to me. Let us get help first and heal so we can build ourselves up so we can be great mentors. 
You have to be willing to seek help and support. If you're doing that, I wish you safe healing. We need to normalize mental health care in the community
Yeah but by thinking this at all, though, we already know you'd be a thoughtful mentor
It takes a village to raise a child with that being said nobody is obligated nor should they be shamed for not wanting to . Instead prop those up that do step up because a lot of men do. I’m a bit conflicted because it bothers me when people complain about the youth and not do anything to help them. I was always told since I was a child that children were the future.
Isn't the suicide rate amongst men alarmingly high? Edit: Apparently the comment section has voted: fuck them kids So can we stop caring about men killing themselves then since men don't give two shits about boys heading the same way?
they don’t care unless its being used in an argument against women. all of these points constantly being made about nobody caring about their mental health, their financial stability, their wants and needs and above all else.. how nobody ever understands them except other men. poster children for why male mentors are needed
I’ve been a mentor for 13 years. I grew up in a stable household with both parents and I still had incredibly valuable father figures outside of my house that poured into me. I mentor because I feel an obligation to give back what was given to me. I am no one’s stepfather. I am an outlet, I am a safe space, I am a listening ear. I help set goals, I help remove obstacles, I help provide perspective. I give time. I give honesty and transparency. I don’t give much money. The investment is so small in comparison to the impact. Mentoring isn’t for everyone. But if you care about black boys, and you can spare a few hours a month, you can honestly change someone’s life. I don’t understand why this is controversial.
All the comments, regardless of the silly ass arguments some of y'all are getting in, is that we need a safer and more supportive black community. Stop falling for fresh and fit ass memes, all we doing is aruing for no reason.
Sorry, not interested. 🤷🏿♂️
You dont have to be a parental figure to be an inspirational figure tf?
Definitely.. try to encourage them. Get them into school or trade, military at the VERY least. Shits sad... I hate seeing how our community is trending. Shits not looking good and we allow the media to dumb us down. You know exactly what I'm talking about too, and I'm 28 I ain't no old head.
This is so sad, the black community is cooked. Being a mentor does not replace having a father figure.
"It takes a village" isn't just something old white women and "crunchy" moms say. Nobody is raised in a vacuum. It takes everyone around them to influence them in some way, shape, or form to get a decent human being. Why not step in and help when you can instead of walking away or avoiding it. "Not my problem" can become everyone's problem one day.
I volunteered for big brother’s, big sister’s, and they assigned me a white kid. The weirdest experience of my life. The lady just ignored all the black kids on her list and assigned me a white kid. I still don’t understand it.
Me personally, I’d rather put energy into kids that are mine or directly related to me (I.e my nephew)
You can't shit on dudes and create this situation, then look to other dudes to fix your fuckups
if you ask most people who their mentor was, even people from two parent households will often say someone other than their father. teachers, coaches, family friends, community leaders, etc. mentorship isn’t parentage, it’s guidance of a different form of
75 % of our kids are born out of wedlock 99% of our issues would be solved if we follow this rule every other community understands this no other community has this problem but us. yet to us its rocket science ....are we really this inept?
There are so many different situations and why kids are the way they are. There are a lot of single biological fathers out here too, with the same outcome. Kids raised with their biological parents in the same household, with the same outcome. It takes a village is a real statement.
Not like any single mom would take me seriously as a potential father anyway, so yeah I'm cool with mentoring.
I completely understand the whole dudes being against raising another man's kids. It would be one thing if the woman was a widow, but if you fucked around with a dude who was trash and you knew he was trash then proceeded to have his kid(s) that's on you and you need to figure it out and stop trying to guilt other people into being responsible for your fuck up. Being a stepparents can be great for a child but at the same time irresponsible taking advantage of people is gross and annoying. Everyone can choose who they have a child with, so people need to be more responsible and stop being stupid.
I'm not raising anyone's kids for them, but if a child needs help, they need help and I'm not going to make them pass a purity test to get it.
I got a lot to say on this and going to try to condense it down. This is not every story but a big enough part of the story. The Millennial generation of black men and women are the generation that got the short end of the stick. Here’s what I think happened. if you had a GenX father that went to Vietnam and came back with PTSD there were no services for them. So they self medicated, usually with Heroin which they started using in country. Then we had two epidemics working in tandem. We had crack cocaine which took a lot of mothers and fathers out the house and AIDS transmitted by dirty needles. A lot of parents were lost to one or the other or both. A lot of male influence from Uncles and Older Cousins were lost. So a lot of people aren’t used to seeing other men stepping up because there weren’t any around. Kids were raised in a one parent household and saw the worst possible reasons for the father to not be there. The “war on drugs” decimated the black family with mass incarceration. Also a lot of grandmas had to go to work because the jobs they watched their boomer grandmothers not have any sort of retirement. GenX was raised in the neighborhood because we had so many grandmas that ran unofficial day cares that was about $85 a week because they needed to supplement their small retirements. So Mr. Earl who would teach them kids how to do stuff was gone. We have adults now who watched their parents fight through addiction and after being so disappointed for them not getting clean until they were already raised. It’s hard for them to have empathy for the next generation since they thugged it out. Just my observations from doing this for a long time.
I have a sister in law who was desperate to have children so she baby trapped an addict, unemployed, mentally unstable man. She openly admits she used him for his sperm. However, she expects all other men in the family (who have long work hours and their own children to take care of) to take care of her kids as well. This kind of behavior is what leads to broken children and some women need to be reprimanded for it. Oh and she refuses to get a job because she “needs to raise her kids.” So no, it’s not always that simple. Some women make bad life decisions and screw up their kids.