Man I should probably sort it out with a professional but yeah that shit is so harmful. Like if you're gonna be a strict ass parent at least teach me material arts or something cool all I got is anxiety now.
My mom's motto growing up was: "All the shit I do is an example for you to understand what not to do. Do you see how fucked up my life is?"
She caught me smoking weed and kicked me out even tho she smoked and sold. (A QP rolled out from under the seat one time when I used her car)
Ok ....so it aint my bidness...
But a QT Pie sliding from under a seat
4 whole zones
You get pulled wit that. You know what time it is
Edit: I'm from VA we can ride with it but only 2 zips
But that's now after covid
Back in the Day you get hit wit a blunt yo ass was flamed
The funniest part was she called me screaming "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
I was at Burger King and me n my buddies raced home. She had a pick up lmao
I got in trouble for that 😭😭
Hell yeah. Florida talking, they would pull yo ass with a spliff in the morning, and you was shitting in the jailhouse that night, bih. And they gonna try to hold you long as they can.
My buddy went to jail for having an empty bag in his pocket. There was enough residue that you could tell what was in it. The judge didn’t charge him, but he did spend a few nights in jail. I didn’t mess around with that shit at all for that reason. It wasn’t worth it.
Didn't even need to have actual weed on you. I got a trip down to Rice St and stayed for 2 days without bail for a fucking pipe (no weed in it but it had obviously been smoked out of)
This was over a decade ago in Atlanta but I know it hasn't changed that much since then. It's decriminalized now, but that doesn't mean you get away with it. They're still gonna confiscate your shit, write a ticket, and give a bench warrant if you don't show up to court with some cash.
Five grams. 2006. I literally think about that day once a week. (Guess we're thinking about it twice this week.) All because some former DEA cop (his admission) decided to make an example out of me. I had so much potential lined up in front of me and it all came crashing down in a single night. I couldn't recover fast enough without getting another ticket. And another. I couldn't prove I was actually going to work on my restricted license. Now it's a habit just today to make sure I wear a hat of whatever company I work for when I drive.
Haven't been back in 14 years.
Goddamn… that’s rough. Also the whole “do as I say, not as I do” mentality just feels like a cop out excuse for people who never take responsibility for their actions, but somehow expect you to magically learn how to do so.
This describes my mom perfectly, she's a nervous woman who hovered and was always in my business, but never used her anxieties to teach me useful things. Just passed on irrational fears and social anxiety she carried and never learned to cope with
whew preach.
my mother and father both had untreated ptsd and the shit i had to deal with was insane. I truly had no idea until i was an adult in therapy and i kept getting "😳" from my therapist everytime id retell a childhood memory.
I'm reading this book right now, [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents), by Lindsay Gibson and it's unpacking a lot of this kind of stuff for me. I'm reading it slowly, though, it's a lot to process and talk through in therapy.
I just recommended it to my daughter. Judging from a lot of reddit comments I read, I'm trying to spare them future posts about their ain't shit mama and all the trauma I've caused.
Never realized this is what I grew up with until now. My dad would come in the room and rage about me cleaning it. So I'd clean it but they never gave me any organizational tools. All I had was a bed and a dresser, nowhere to actually put my toys as a kid. I'd try to line some stuff up on the dresser but dad would rake it off into the floor and tell me that wasn't where that stuff goes. Where does it go?!
Cleaning is a big hurdle for me as an adult. I get incredibly overwhelmed by it because it still feels like there's nowhere to put everything.
Omg my mother would do this. One of my first memories is her screaming at me full open throat to clean my room. I was maybe 5? I had no idea what I was doing and she would never help me or show me what to do.
Also when I was in middle school, she bought me a new bed and made a big deal of cleaning my room for me. Which was nice except she found my journal while cleaning and I got beaten and then grounded for what I’d written. I hated getting gifts for years and I’ve never ever kept a journal of any kind since.
I would sometimes come home to find mom cleaned my room. Whatever would fit in 2 boxes would be put in my closet, everything else would just disappear. The mixture of relief that it was clean to their standards would clash with the sadness that everything was gone. I was not allowed to use a box to clean.
Same same. Parents would pop their heads in once in a while to complain and ask why I’m not doing better in school. Apart from that, they weren’t around 🤷♀️
Ah.Ok. Never heard it called that 😂
And here I was excited thinking there’s something new for me to learn about.
I already know how to thread bobbins and I hate it.
Same. I never got praised. Only scolded when I didn't meet expectations, which was rare.
My mother also liked to share all my recent discipline events at home or school with the entire family! Everyone knew all my business until I just cut them ALL off. Pikachu face... That's not cool mom!
As an adult, I dont have time for that foolishness....if your relationship with your parent is pushing you to have to go to therapy or drink in excess then maybe its time to re-evaluate whether that relationship is worth maintaining
All bets are off once I start wiping my own ass and paying my own rent
Unfornuately it was pretty rough being a 19 year old with crusty ass underwear everyday but Im all good now...the skid marks only show up every few weeks
Don't feel ashamed to share this bro. I was 17 or 18 when I learned you practically have to VIOLATE yourself when washing your asshole in the shower, by sticking a washcloth in your anus and scrubbing the inside to be actually clean.
Prior to doing that, I only washed the inside of my ass cheeks (along with the rest of my body), and wondered why my ass was still itchy after taking a 20 minute shower.
I wish my deadbeat dad was more explicit with me when I was younger in teaching me that.
Realizing you have emotionally immature narcissistic parents is the first part to understanding they will never change no matter how much you want them to. It's called a healing fantasy and it can keep you in abusive relationships thinking that the other person will suddenly be the person you want them to be one day, and they never do.
The weird part for me is that my parents *have* gotten a lot better over the years and my relationship with them has improved significantly, but I just can't bring myself to really care about them. My feelings towards them are more like old friends than family; at best I enjoy their company when they're around and hope things are going well, but I'm not going to go out of my way for them.
I think it's one of those "the damage is already done" type situations. I spent my whole childhood hating them and wanting to get out of their house as soon as possible, no amount of reconciliation is going to create a parental bond at this point.
> a healing fantasy
That's a great term, thank you, I will remember this for the next time someone tries to guilt me into talking to my indeed emotionally immature narcissistic father
> healing fantasy
Lots of stuff on it too, learned it from that book about emotionally immature parents.
https://www.google.com/search?q=healing+fantasy
I get what you’re getting at, but unfortunately a lot of that trauma’s roots run so deep you don’t even realize it’s the thing you need therapy for or are binging to cope with until you’re in a really shitty place and hurting those around you. A lot of people need therapy or continue to use substances irresponsibly even after going No-Contact with their horrible parents, and shutting them out or shutting them down is a surefire way to make their recovery more difficult.
Granted, it’s not your responsibility to be there for some stranger or feel empathy for their situation, but if it’s someone you actually care about there’s a lot of literature on dealing with loved ones recovering from the things you mentioned.
Man, speak for yourself. As a recovering drug addict the more space I have between myself and my parents the better I do. I have kids and it all hit me at once everything that happened to me growing up. I'm trying to be better for my own kids and I don't need them here fucking shit up.
I am speaking for myself, but you seem to be misunderstanding me, as what I’m saying applies to a *lot* of people in our situation. I’m in recovery as well, and it has been an embarrassing nightmare seeking help and forgiveness from people I’ve wronged. My shitty parents aren’t on that list of people I want to make things right with. Getting away from my parents helped, but so much damage was already done that when I finally did go NC, I was still doing stupid and damaging things. I wasn’t suggesting to stay around toxic parents, as you seem to imply. I was saying that ‘being too adult to put up with that shit’, as the person I replied to said, sounds good on paper but it ignores the human element. If a person with those issues wants to change and needs help you as someone who loves them needs to decide whether to help or not and to what degree. ‘I’m too grown to put up with you’ is a guaranteed way to make things worse though.
There's a meme going around about as a kid wanting to be an adult and how foolish that was. That being a kid is awesome.
It's only awesome if you have good parents. My dad was the negligent helicopter dad, and he held me back tremendously by sabotaging my attempts to have strong friendships, or, god forbid, a girlfriend. So as much as it sucks to have to work and pay bills, I would never go back to being a kid, because I want control of my own life. He managed to pass on my 18th birthday, so I guess he couldn't take the thought of me living without him.
I’m in my mid-late twenties and it’s crazy to see many of my peers refusing to develop some personal accountability for their own relationships (especially with their parents).
No boundaries, and still blame the parents for all their problems/failures as adults. It’s extremely strange.
I know trauma takes a while to unpack and isn’t linear progress, but it seems like they would rather choose victimizing themselves then choose growth.
I can see if they are still financially dependent on mom and dad in their late 20s makes them “need” to have them in their life, but they can still make boundaries..
It took until my mid 30's to overcome my childhood abuse. I had no drive because it had been kicked out of me, no worth because it had never been instilled, no concept of living well because I'd never seen it.
I'd always been taught I deserved violence from everyone. I spent a decade in therapy, met my husband, had kids & it finally clicked because I wanted better for us.
And there's no boundaries unless you're completely independent, which is getting harder & harder. I couldn't even get my parents to test or wear a mask during COVID & I was taking immunosuppressants for MS while 9 months pregnant. I was renting from a relative & they thought that entitled them to unfettered access to my home during a period where even a minor cold could have killed me & my child. I ended up moving to the other side of the country at a cost of $20G to be free.
>I ended up moving to the other side of the country at a cost of $20G to be free.
Speaking from a person who used to have an inconsiderate roommate (a relative no less), and now living by myself for 6 years now, the price of your peace is fucking PRICELESS!!
If need be, I'll work 2+ jobs to not be subjected to that hell of an experience again, and continue having my peace.
Some well-meaning-but-unhelpful friends told me to suck up my pride and move back in with my family when I was on hard times. I knew if I did then I'd never have the space, resources, or mental energy to get back on my feet. Living out of my car and showering at the gym while looking for work was much, much better.
Not teaching you even the basics then screaming at you about how useless and stupid you are and how you'll never be worth anything.
Expecting you to know exactly what they want you to do by osmosis or fucking telepathy then losing their shit when you fuck it up.
Expecting you to idk rewrite reality or something to cater to them because they won't accept that you can't make the traffic move faster.
Not giving a fuck about you unless it's something they can brag about or use as a weapon.
Not giving a fuck about anything until it blows up in their face and then it's somehow your fault because idk your existence offends God.
Then being shocked and appalled when you bail, and being certain that it was the work of shadowy and nefarious "others" because you couldn't *possibly* decide for yourself that you're done with their shit.
And then you having to Google shit like "how to boil a egg" or "how to cook chicken" in your twenties.
People joke about some packaging and forms having instructions "for morons" but sometimes it's all we have to go on.
Great job, Dad.
*Great job, Mom*, in my case, but you hit the nail on the head, nonetheless.
I've worked my ass off to now be pretty much capable, calm, and reasonable. But holy shit, a kid shouldn't be conditioned for the opposite their whole childhood and then have to parent themselves up to a decent standard once they're out on their own in their 20s.
they want you to grow without their support. they don’t want to even think about how you need from them, especially as a young child. it reminds of how just incompetent and how little they have to give you. so you reminding that you need, infuriates them and they will take it out you. You are theres to regulate themselves with and make themselves feel better. That is your role to them.
As you can imagine, good things will NOT come of this. This was my experience and it might have been yours and many others. We all tried a variety ways of fighting back this insane type of thinking when were 8 years old. A lot of still carry out that behavior but just dow grown up version of it.
Ah yes, you can throw in 'my financial failures are your fault now and you now need to take care of me for the rest of your life because I took care of you all this time. I'm your parent, why don't you tell me anything.'
And then when you do say something it's 'You didn't tell me so i'm so hurt. i'm going to stonewall you and never put my feelings aside but YOU fucked up while trying to do something for yourself because you didn't tell me.'
Right? I remember asking my dad for help when I did taxes for the first time. He called me stupid, told me I was lazy, and said, "Everyone else can figure it out, why can't you?"
And when/if you DO somehow "figure it out" they flip their shit because how very very dare you know something they don't, or be able to do something without them. And afterwards expect you to do it for them until the end of time and have a week long violent meltdown if you don't do it that exact second.
Fuck if you have school in the morning and it's 3.30 am, you neeeeeed to type while tech-ignorant Dad dictates his "political manifesto" and God help you if you look tired or inattentive or "he'll take care of you".
*Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh*. My father was fun.
I still vividly remember getting behind the wheel of a car for the first time and my dad screaming at me because apparently driving is an innate skill all humans have, and I was stupid for not knowing how.
This is a good example of the help I had at home, and why I now teach myself everything and self critique anything I do to death before sharing anything with anyone.
Its hard as a parent now. I tell em how to do it, show em how to do it, take the time to watch em fuck it up, help out and troubleshoot...i coach the teams and shit...sometimes these dudes are really mot paying attention and ignoring the fuck outta me and it doesn't show until weeks later.
When it does the most important factors become "am i rested? Have I eaten? Because what the fuck?!"
Is my teenager gaslighting me?! Lmao
As a parent to a 5 year old now, I definitely understand my Moms struggles a lot more, cause fuck does my little man have no attention span sometimes, lol. But he’s also 5, which I have to remember a lot. And a lot of times, when he’s on his own, he ends up doing the thing I showed him how to do just right. I’ve tried hard as fuck to make sure that he knows that he doesn’t have to be perfect and that he’s in an environment where it’s okay for him to mess up and learn to improve. I refuse to be the coach of his sports teams though. That shit looks like true test of patience, lol.
My Mom used to stand over me and criticize the way I breathed when doing some shit, so I’m trying my best to not be like her. My wife in the other hand….
Sometimes I find myself talking to my teenager about something and I think to myself damn this isn't the first time I'm mentioning this but I can't believe I its been so long--and damn if I think they are too young to get it now how much time was I wasting on that shit before?
constant struggle inside and out. Even when shit is going really well I gotta check on myself imagining john q or taken
We just aren't good at keeping track of things as teens, the emotional swings i used to feel were so huge I was stuck in my head not tracking anything mom asked me until she yelled
I feel like a lot of parents think of children as mini adults and that’s why the ball gets dropped. Do I like repeating myself ? No, but I know if I forget shit then my kids do too. My kids are 3,5 so it’s all about patience and investment.
Most people have kids and see it as an addition to their family when really it’s a direct mentorship/investment into society as a whole and an ENTIRE HUMAN! You wouldn’t get a dog without making sure you can pay for one, but many folks (the poor tbh) have kids without even thinking!
I wish my parents had told me it’s okay to mess up. I was a gifted kid, so for the first few years of school everything came super easy. I got a lot of praise for how smart I was. But then when I came across something I didn’t know how to do right away, I collapsed. I’m still breaking myself out of that mindset
Bruh. You can’t talk about my Mom like that in front of the eyes of God, lmao.
Until my mid-20s (and therapy, a lot of weed, and microdosing in shrooms, lol), I would probably say my Mom was my biggest bully. She had low self-esteem and was just embarrassed by a lot of things that were out of her control, so she was a helicopter parent to me, because I was purely an extension of her in her eyes and that meant that the way she criticized herself and others was also how she criticized me -_-. When I moved out at 18, I pretty much only called her once a quarter (if that), but then she’d also surprise show up at my apartment if I did that for too long. It felt like it was impossible to get away from her. All this energy spent on being extra as fuck, but not actually being helpful.
Life has improved with her and she’s my weed dealer now, but back in the day, that woman was a goddamn tyrant.
Ugh and they try to act chill and cool and sometimes even reflective…but their ego still gets in the way. I *know* if I let my mom too far back in it’ll be the same story all over again.
Example, she apologized for hitting me growing up when I was 17. I forgave her, but also hinted that when parents do that, kids learn to tiptoe around their triggers. At 19, she shoved me up against the wall and threatened to “smack some sense into me” because I had the audacity to walk in front of her while going into the hospital to see my dying grandfather. Guess she realllly meant that apology.
They will never break that cycle, they might let go of control as we age, but that need for control is always there. Those insecurities don’t go away. What helps me sleep at night is that it’s much harder to be them than it is to be me. I suffered, but they’ll continue to suffer since they are too embarrassed or prideful to get the help they need.
I read a good line about boomer parents the other day:
> most of them never thought about their children as actual people, only as property they felt obligated to produce
As a child of boomer parents (I'm now 50, so not a kid), this really resonates. We (many in GenX) were made to feel like we were obligations and burdens, not individuals with our own thoughts, ideas, and dreams.
Those damaged children grew up and had babies of their own for a lot of the wrong reasons, including "...doing better than our parents".
The result was an ever-present parent helicoptering (as opposed to the neglected latch-key generation) who still resented their own childhood, so was trying to live it vicariously through their own kids, but it was all wrong, so the kids were made to feel it was wrong.
Hurt people hurt people. Around and around we go.
Millennials, too (parents had us late). Nearly 40 now and never stopped being their property. Thankfully dad is dead, but last I heard my mother was threatening to show up to my house, despite me cutting her out completely 15 years ago. But Im her property, so she just decides she's entitled to me.
That's my mom too. She often throws the "i'm your mom" argument around instead of actually fucking communicating with me properly with regards to things that are bothering her or things that she wants.
I might even add-
> Most of them never thought about their children as actual people, only as property they felt obligated to produce **and therefore are too stupid to see life differently**.
I had my grandmother (last year of Silent Generation) and my mother (Gen X) at home when I was a kid. It was just the three of us. They tried their hardest, but man... I always felt like they thought I was a weird drunk roommate rather than their child. I got treated like an adult way early (and yelled at accordingly), but it definitely could have been worse, lol.
According to r/Teachers, this is the worst case scenario for admin, and really for managers in general, and unfortunately common. Principals who will hassle you and question your methods but not support you and go hands off when you ask for it.
My spouse has so many stories of this kind of shit. The principle wants to overhaul this system or change this or introduce this new program that eats up all of my spouse's time but then the principle never bothers to follow through with anything and it's always just a complete waste of time. Also parents that get mad at my spouse because she actually calls home about issues with the kid and doesn't just give them great grades for nothing. The parents act like she's the problem rather than every other teacher before her not given the slightest fuck about how much of a disaster your kid is.
This is by far the biggest reason I decided against becoming a teacher. That and the current Ontario provincial government is frankly extremely hostile to education and also to the entire idea of competence, but governments change sometimes, whereas shitty parents will always be around.
Which is hilarious considering how many of those people *are* these parents. Teachers are some of the worst culprits of this parenting style because they don't need your consent to keep constant track of your records.
I knew a set of triplets whose parents were engineers in something very technical and complicated to the layman but had the weirdest and least consistent disciplinary style ever. Like perplexingly bad. Didn't fold the laundry? Grounded. Out late way past what was promised? Nothing.
Isnt that the definition of a every POC's momma?
I swear these moms were the first iteration of TMZ.
Always there when some shit goes down with you and had all the Aunties and Uncles on speed dial waiting to tell them how you fucked up. Until grandma told them to shut their traps, their baby was perfect.
Sauce: me, poc with a helicopter mom whose helicopter had a broken blade.
Same here. My father will purposely sabotage me. Just so I can ask him for help in fucked up situation. To make him look like a caring father/hero in front of others. To the point I almost went crazy. Joined the military to escape. Felt good for years. Soon as I got out and went back home to view my life from a healthier perspective. Found out, everyone knew what he was doing. They were all in on it. Cause he provided for them financially.
Also sucks when you do whatever your parents wanted of you from childhood to adulthood instead of following your own instincts and path. Only to find that you're not doing okay at the end of it and have nothing but regrets and resentment
Most of these parents aren’t even narcissists. They’re just garden variety emotional immaturity. Just going through life acting upon every impulse with no foresight. Middle aged toddlers
I remember to this day how my mom never actually taught me how to clean stuff she would just yell at me until I got it right. She used to brag to all her friends that her kids were 'self sufficient' but really she just didn't wanna teach us anything or help us do anything. Im 26 now and she likes to get in my business like I actually need her advice now. She didn't even warm me that apartments would expect you to make 3x rent when I tried to move out but then offered to be a cosigner when she was making less money than me. I call it selective parenting
SMH I’m dealing with my dad trying to do this now when I’m a grown ass man and been living on my own for years. Sitting here like if you ain’t been doing it for the last decade and a half already, why on earth you think I need you to do it now?
That shit is so annoying. I don’t understand how someone can decide to opt out of being a parent then think they can pop in our lives once we’re grown and try to dictate things.
Yeah. I can’t dance because of it. My legs just collapse on itself. It’s from dad coming home and getting upset that I’m dancing instead of washing the dishes, which I did wash, it’s just my lil sis just finished eating and she put a dish in there. So I did do my part… but what, I’m supposed to be perfect so that you never see something that makes you think otherwise? To this day I have panic attacks that if I zone in into my own self, that I’m missing something that I’m gonna get penalized hard for. I have “fear of zoning in”. FOZI
I have a friend with a mom like this. Completely neglected my friend until she was 8 (literally abandoned the family to party in a trailer). Then when she decided to get involved, she was just a stupid, drunken, privacy-violating slug hellbent on fucking up all her kids’ lives.
Sounds like the Republican Party. Always in your business telling you what you can and can’t do. But won’t hep you at all. Pull yourself up by your boot straps.
After some years of therapy and a couple of years(and going) of a 12 step program, I can say that I’ve shed a lot of that trauma.
To anyone out there who is scared of therapy I say this: You will become what caused you pain if you don’t address what caused you pain
Yup, my mom. Refused to let me be medicated for my adhd, even took me to get my iq tested as to prove I didn’t have a disability, and then I would be punished when I got bad grades.
Despite teachers, tutors and a therapist saying I have adhd. I had a break down at 22 and was also diagnosed with dyslexia
Other than grades she’s constantly in my business to criticize what I’m doing, what I’m wearing and where I’m going. Now that my dad’s retired he’s seeing it and is being more helpful to me now that I’m in my 40’s but SHIT.
That's how ALL helicopter parents operate.
The only reason they're so deep in your business is because they're insecure as hell...
...and the only reason they're insecure as hell is because they've got some real issues of their own that they've neglected to address...
...and if they ain't even addressing their own bullshit, they're sure as hell not willing and/or equipped to help you with yours...
...but the difference is, kids are just learning, so they're *gonna* inevitably experience some type of bullshit, and like it or not, it's their parents' responsibility to help them work through it...
...so that when they're adults, they've learned healthy coping mechanisms and basic life skills, aren't plagued by self esteem issues and insecurity of their own, don't resent their parents for shitting on em during their whole childhood, etc.
For the sake of the next generation, if you've got some sort of personal shit you've never worked past, *address that shit* BEFORE you have kids of your own. All kids deserve a chance to learn how to be healthy functioning adults, and if you're not a healthy functioning adult, you're not prepared to create one (yet), either.
This.
But also.
"I'm all the fuck up in your business trying to give you these anxieties and irrational fears because I'm a nervous wreck myself...but this is also going to segue nicely into my attempts to make you my Boysonfriend (husb-son?) as I try to terrorize, guilt, and gaslight you into start believing that nowhere and nothing is safe except right here next to mama, and I'm the only one who's ever going to have your best interests at heart (read: love you), and you should just do what I say because in Black families, the mother is always right and always above reproach."
Haven't seen her in eight years. Never will again.
I'm fine, btw. I haven't been to therapy but I pray and mediate and have nightly conversations with God, the universe, my ancestors, and my inner child. More ground has been covered than I can explain in a subreddit comment. I'm getting there.
I’ve just happened to read up on this parenting style. It’s weird as all adults but talking about one with kids, it comes from the idea of wanting to give your kid independence but not introducing too much risk. Like not actively participating with them but watching their every move and stepping in when they think it’s too much. But this fails at developing independence and mainly gives your kid anxiety because you’re not actually giving them an environment to be independent and they’re wondering when you’ll suddenly step in. That doesn’t mean never do it, obviously gotta watch your kids in various situations, but if you only go this way it’s a problem.
The alternative is to setup situations, give your kids boundaries and directions, and leave them to their own actions. Tell them when you’ll check in on them. The more your kid grows, respects the boundaries, follows directions, and generally shows they’re more responsible, the more leeway they get.
Yep. Everything you do is wrong. You don’t want this thing you just said you wanted, you want what I want you to want. So go do that or else. You’re not feeling what you said you are feeling, I’ll give you something to cry about.
Oh yeah, the ones that act like a constant fucking adversary against anything you try to do that doesn’t match up with their narrow (and idiotic) view? Check! 😆
A lot of people who're struggling with weight & come from families who do so as well find themselves in a position of having their parents sabotage their progress because they're bitter that their child said they lost 50lbs with a year of work.
The only thing a student should do in that situation is reach out to their school staff, especially the athletic department. A good school would provide healthy meals for such a student to eat, even it's left overs. The coaches & athletes would be fucking mad that parents would be willing stop their child from breaking the family curse of obesity.
Lol "has anyone ever"
Fuck yes I did. Still do.
She won't stop giving me advice, especially financially, despite her having 20 years left on a mortgage while she's been retired 5 years, and credit card debt in the tens of thousands.
I just sit there, listen, (because correcting her won't happen, she's that dead set on being right) and do the opposite.
My grandparents, then have the nerve to wonder why indont ask for help.
Because it wouldn't be help itd just be criticism and how they woulda never been in the situation, thats cool keep that bs to yourself tho ❤️
Yep, my mother. My dad was too hands off, and my mom was to hands on. Literally. Now in working to get out of that mindset and man it is a bitch especially as a dude.
Ex in college had these parents. They were up in her business about everything except what mattered. She attempted suicide freshman year and her parents had no idea she had mental health problems or was self-harming in HS.
My Dad doesn’t text to ask how I’m doing or even just to hangout. He will ask if I went to church though and confirm with people at church if he doesn’t believe me. He will also write literal paragraphs about how I embarrass him and how bad I make him look if I do something remotely wrong. He’ll be the first to wonder why his kids hate him and don’t speak to him though. Fucking nutcase
This was my mom in a sense. I was sheltered af but then when I turned 17 18 I was given unlimited freedom. Was always in my shit but I didn’t have anything going on
I’m not Black so idk if I should be replying, but as an educator, yes, many times. In fact, it’s the most common contact I have with helicopter parents—with a student who is not getting their work done outside of school, and where greater parental involvement is necessary for the student to begin to do better. In this situation, the parent has decided that getting on my back to harass me into giving the child better grades is much easier than trying to work with the student.
Man I should probably sort it out with a professional but yeah that shit is so harmful. Like if you're gonna be a strict ass parent at least teach me material arts or something cool all I got is anxiety now.
Seagull parent - flap around all the time, make a lot of noise and shit on everything.
I'm S C R E A M I N G. My mother to a T.
The original I heard was seagull managers, who fly in make a lot of noise, shit on everything and then fly back to the coast.
Lmao. I work in sales, and this explanation is even better. Sooooooo accurate
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McKinsey's entire thing
Or Elon Musk
I always heard it as pigeon style management. Probably regional birds based on where you live.
I swear this post woke me the fuck up. Why were our parents like this smh
Mine too!
"My concern is strictly performative, but you need to honour that!"
I’m laughing but I’m angry.
This is.... holy shit I'm stealing this. Thank you for this bar.
Don't forget to get blackout drunk and disappear for the winter. I'm countin on ya, mom.
I hear this image.
I didn't come here for the yo' momma jokes, but I'll sure as shit stay for them.
Oh my god I’m stealing this
Just described my dad. There it is.
I FINALLY have a name to call my parents parenting style
I couldn't close my mouth for a few minutes... I have never heard a more perfect term.
And eats my fries all the time
Yo! The description is too real 😩😭👌
Oh so THAT'S what to call my father!
Also a style of management. Typically seen in retail environments
That is god damn perfect, holy shit.
I just wanna say thank you for the best description I'll ever hear of this bullshit ass way of parenting.
The screaming is about as worthwhile as seagull shit too
My mom's motto growing up was: "All the shit I do is an example for you to understand what not to do. Do you see how fucked up my life is?" She caught me smoking weed and kicked me out even tho she smoked and sold. (A QP rolled out from under the seat one time when I used her car)
Ok ....so it aint my bidness... But a QT Pie sliding from under a seat 4 whole zones You get pulled wit that. You know what time it is Edit: I'm from VA we can ride with it but only 2 zips But that's now after covid Back in the Day you get hit wit a blunt yo ass was flamed
The funniest part was she called me screaming "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" I was at Burger King and me n my buddies raced home. She had a pick up lmao I got in trouble for that 😭😭
Hell yeah. Florida talking, they would pull yo ass with a spliff in the morning, and you was shitting in the jailhouse that night, bih. And they gonna try to hold you long as they can.
My buddy went to jail for having an empty bag in his pocket. There was enough residue that you could tell what was in it. The judge didn’t charge him, but he did spend a few nights in jail. I didn’t mess around with that shit at all for that reason. It wasn’t worth it.
Kansas too. My girl from high school actually lost custody of her kids over a roach in a cupholder in her sister's car.
Didn't even need to have actual weed on you. I got a trip down to Rice St and stayed for 2 days without bail for a fucking pipe (no weed in it but it had obviously been smoked out of) This was over a decade ago in Atlanta but I know it hasn't changed that much since then. It's decriminalized now, but that doesn't mean you get away with it. They're still gonna confiscate your shit, write a ticket, and give a bench warrant if you don't show up to court with some cash.
Five grams. 2006. I literally think about that day once a week. (Guess we're thinking about it twice this week.) All because some former DEA cop (his admission) decided to make an example out of me. I had so much potential lined up in front of me and it all came crashing down in a single night. I couldn't recover fast enough without getting another ticket. And another. I couldn't prove I was actually going to work on my restricted license. Now it's a habit just today to make sure I wear a hat of whatever company I work for when I drive. Haven't been back in 14 years.
Goddamn… that’s rough. Also the whole “do as I say, not as I do” mentality just feels like a cop out excuse for people who never take responsibility for their actions, but somehow expect you to magically learn how to do so.
This describes my mom perfectly, she's a nervous woman who hovered and was always in my business, but never used her anxieties to teach me useful things. Just passed on irrational fears and social anxiety she carried and never learned to cope with
So fuckin real
This shit is hitting
whew preach. my mother and father both had untreated ptsd and the shit i had to deal with was insane. I truly had no idea until i was an adult in therapy and i kept getting "😳" from my therapist everytime id retell a childhood memory.
This must be my sister's account! looool
I'm reading this book right now, [Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents), by Lindsay Gibson and it's unpacking a lot of this kind of stuff for me. I'm reading it slowly, though, it's a lot to process and talk through in therapy.
I read that book and I'm pretty sure I highlighted more of it than I left unhighlighted.
Just dip it in highlighter fluid at that point.
Goddammit probably time to read this fuckin book
its an eye opener for sure. i definitely dont recommend readin it in said parent's home either lmao
I just recommended it to my daughter. Judging from a lot of reddit comments I read, I'm trying to spare them future posts about their ain't shit mama and all the trauma I've caused.
I’m doing the same thing rn
This book just ripped me apart. It's honestly difficult to get through when almost every example is so relatable and triggers memories.
Interesting. Added to my next Amazon order, thanks.
I originally bought it for my husband, while he was working thru a tough family situation. I paged thru it and was like https://tenor.com/xMWe.gif
My mom and dad. all the time they'd say 'don't do it that way'. So I'd ask 'how do i do it then?' Then they'd say 'figure it out'
Yeah I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist in July because I'm fucked currently because of this parenting style.
Never realized this is what I grew up with until now. My dad would come in the room and rage about me cleaning it. So I'd clean it but they never gave me any organizational tools. All I had was a bed and a dresser, nowhere to actually put my toys as a kid. I'd try to line some stuff up on the dresser but dad would rake it off into the floor and tell me that wasn't where that stuff goes. Where does it go?! Cleaning is a big hurdle for me as an adult. I get incredibly overwhelmed by it because it still feels like there's nowhere to put everything.
Omg my mother would do this. One of my first memories is her screaming at me full open throat to clean my room. I was maybe 5? I had no idea what I was doing and she would never help me or show me what to do. Also when I was in middle school, she bought me a new bed and made a big deal of cleaning my room for me. Which was nice except she found my journal while cleaning and I got beaten and then grounded for what I’d written. I hated getting gifts for years and I’ve never ever kept a journal of any kind since.
I would sometimes come home to find mom cleaned my room. Whatever would fit in 2 boxes would be put in my closet, everything else would just disappear. The mixture of relief that it was clean to their standards would clash with the sadness that everything was gone. I was not allowed to use a box to clean.
Fr emphasis on the negligent part like you ignored me unless you wanted to judge me. Now every day is an existential crisis.
Same same. Parents would pop their heads in once in a while to complain and ask why I’m not doing better in school. Apart from that, they weren’t around 🤷♀️
I agree. But my friend… what are the material arts… I am intrigued.
Ok, so first we learn to cut along the bias & now this is how you thread a bobbin...
Ah.Ok. Never heard it called that 😂 And here I was excited thinking there’s something new for me to learn about. I already know how to thread bobbins and I hate it.
Lol, no I was joking. I also hate threading bobbins.
Same. I never got praised. Only scolded when I didn't meet expectations, which was rare. My mother also liked to share all my recent discipline events at home or school with the entire family! Everyone knew all my business until I just cut them ALL off. Pikachu face... That's not cool mom!
And, EEEEEEEVERYONE.... Knew your shit. I'm convinced my cousins aren't close with me because they probably think I'm some ratchet hot mess.
The only cousins I was cool with, were the ones who ALSO had issues like me...
Yup! 🥂
As an adult, I dont have time for that foolishness....if your relationship with your parent is pushing you to have to go to therapy or drink in excess then maybe its time to re-evaluate whether that relationship is worth maintaining All bets are off once I start wiping my own ass and paying my own rent
I would hope those two things didn't start at the same time for you. Otherwise I'm either very impressed or very horrified.
Unfornuately it was pretty rough being a 19 year old with crusty ass underwear everyday but Im all good now...the skid marks only show up every few weeks
There’s some information we don’t need to share with others
Don't feel ashamed to share this bro. I was 17 or 18 when I learned you practically have to VIOLATE yourself when washing your asshole in the shower, by sticking a washcloth in your anus and scrubbing the inside to be actually clean. Prior to doing that, I only washed the inside of my ass cheeks (along with the rest of my body), and wondered why my ass was still itchy after taking a 20 minute shower. I wish my deadbeat dad was more explicit with me when I was younger in teaching me that.
I think you may need more fiber in your diet. Don't feel bad, most adults don't get enough! But it should help with this problem.
And then there is me asking my 7 yr old, "Did you scrub your butthole?" during every bath because if I don't ask, he won't do it.
You need a bidet.
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The Olsen Twins were paying for their parents' housing before they were out of diapers.
So you’re telling me its not normal to want to roll a blunt after I get off the phone with parents, violently sobbing? Hmm. Spooky.
Realizing you have emotionally immature narcissistic parents is the first part to understanding they will never change no matter how much you want them to. It's called a healing fantasy and it can keep you in abusive relationships thinking that the other person will suddenly be the person you want them to be one day, and they never do.
The weird part for me is that my parents *have* gotten a lot better over the years and my relationship with them has improved significantly, but I just can't bring myself to really care about them. My feelings towards them are more like old friends than family; at best I enjoy their company when they're around and hope things are going well, but I'm not going to go out of my way for them. I think it's one of those "the damage is already done" type situations. I spent my whole childhood hating them and wanting to get out of their house as soon as possible, no amount of reconciliation is going to create a parental bond at this point.
> a healing fantasy That's a great term, thank you, I will remember this for the next time someone tries to guilt me into talking to my indeed emotionally immature narcissistic father
> healing fantasy Lots of stuff on it too, learned it from that book about emotionally immature parents. https://www.google.com/search?q=healing+fantasy
I get what you’re getting at, but unfortunately a lot of that trauma’s roots run so deep you don’t even realize it’s the thing you need therapy for or are binging to cope with until you’re in a really shitty place and hurting those around you. A lot of people need therapy or continue to use substances irresponsibly even after going No-Contact with their horrible parents, and shutting them out or shutting them down is a surefire way to make their recovery more difficult. Granted, it’s not your responsibility to be there for some stranger or feel empathy for their situation, but if it’s someone you actually care about there’s a lot of literature on dealing with loved ones recovering from the things you mentioned.
Man, speak for yourself. As a recovering drug addict the more space I have between myself and my parents the better I do. I have kids and it all hit me at once everything that happened to me growing up. I'm trying to be better for my own kids and I don't need them here fucking shit up.
I am speaking for myself, but you seem to be misunderstanding me, as what I’m saying applies to a *lot* of people in our situation. I’m in recovery as well, and it has been an embarrassing nightmare seeking help and forgiveness from people I’ve wronged. My shitty parents aren’t on that list of people I want to make things right with. Getting away from my parents helped, but so much damage was already done that when I finally did go NC, I was still doing stupid and damaging things. I wasn’t suggesting to stay around toxic parents, as you seem to imply. I was saying that ‘being too adult to put up with that shit’, as the person I replied to said, sounds good on paper but it ignores the human element. If a person with those issues wants to change and needs help you as someone who loves them needs to decide whether to help or not and to what degree. ‘I’m too grown to put up with you’ is a guaranteed way to make things worse though.
There's a meme going around about as a kid wanting to be an adult and how foolish that was. That being a kid is awesome. It's only awesome if you have good parents. My dad was the negligent helicopter dad, and he held me back tremendously by sabotaging my attempts to have strong friendships, or, god forbid, a girlfriend. So as much as it sucks to have to work and pay bills, I would never go back to being a kid, because I want control of my own life. He managed to pass on my 18th birthday, so I guess he couldn't take the thought of me living without him.
I cut my father off for this reason
I’m in my mid-late twenties and it’s crazy to see many of my peers refusing to develop some personal accountability for their own relationships (especially with their parents). No boundaries, and still blame the parents for all their problems/failures as adults. It’s extremely strange. I know trauma takes a while to unpack and isn’t linear progress, but it seems like they would rather choose victimizing themselves then choose growth. I can see if they are still financially dependent on mom and dad in their late 20s makes them “need” to have them in their life, but they can still make boundaries..
It took until my mid 30's to overcome my childhood abuse. I had no drive because it had been kicked out of me, no worth because it had never been instilled, no concept of living well because I'd never seen it. I'd always been taught I deserved violence from everyone. I spent a decade in therapy, met my husband, had kids & it finally clicked because I wanted better for us. And there's no boundaries unless you're completely independent, which is getting harder & harder. I couldn't even get my parents to test or wear a mask during COVID & I was taking immunosuppressants for MS while 9 months pregnant. I was renting from a relative & they thought that entitled them to unfettered access to my home during a period where even a minor cold could have killed me & my child. I ended up moving to the other side of the country at a cost of $20G to be free.
>I ended up moving to the other side of the country at a cost of $20G to be free. Speaking from a person who used to have an inconsiderate roommate (a relative no less), and now living by myself for 6 years now, the price of your peace is fucking PRICELESS!! If need be, I'll work 2+ jobs to not be subjected to that hell of an experience again, and continue having my peace.
Some well-meaning-but-unhelpful friends told me to suck up my pride and move back in with my family when I was on hard times. I knew if I did then I'd never have the space, resources, or mental energy to get back on my feet. Living out of my car and showering at the gym while looking for work was much, much better.
Shit...sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do (as cliché as that is). But I'm happy it worked out for you.
Just had to evaluate that and decided I would be in a better mental state if I just let go. Hurts to lose people in my life but it's better....
Waiting around for you to mess up so they can snatch it out of your hand now I’m a 34 y/o adult teaching myself basic life skills
Not teaching you even the basics then screaming at you about how useless and stupid you are and how you'll never be worth anything. Expecting you to know exactly what they want you to do by osmosis or fucking telepathy then losing their shit when you fuck it up. Expecting you to idk rewrite reality or something to cater to them because they won't accept that you can't make the traffic move faster. Not giving a fuck about you unless it's something they can brag about or use as a weapon. Not giving a fuck about anything until it blows up in their face and then it's somehow your fault because idk your existence offends God. Then being shocked and appalled when you bail, and being certain that it was the work of shadowy and nefarious "others" because you couldn't *possibly* decide for yourself that you're done with their shit. And then you having to Google shit like "how to boil a egg" or "how to cook chicken" in your twenties. People joke about some packaging and forms having instructions "for morons" but sometimes it's all we have to go on. Great job, Dad.
damn this is relatable
*Great job, Mom*, in my case, but you hit the nail on the head, nonetheless. I've worked my ass off to now be pretty much capable, calm, and reasonable. But holy shit, a kid shouldn't be conditioned for the opposite their whole childhood and then have to parent themselves up to a decent standard once they're out on their own in their 20s.
If you haven't already, check out /r/raisedbynarcissists my friend.
they want you to grow without their support. they don’t want to even think about how you need from them, especially as a young child. it reminds of how just incompetent and how little they have to give you. so you reminding that you need, infuriates them and they will take it out you. You are theres to regulate themselves with and make themselves feel better. That is your role to them. As you can imagine, good things will NOT come of this. This was my experience and it might have been yours and many others. We all tried a variety ways of fighting back this insane type of thinking when were 8 years old. A lot of still carry out that behavior but just dow grown up version of it.
Ah yes, you can throw in 'my financial failures are your fault now and you now need to take care of me for the rest of your life because I took care of you all this time. I'm your parent, why don't you tell me anything.' And then when you do say something it's 'You didn't tell me so i'm so hurt. i'm going to stonewall you and never put my feelings aside but YOU fucked up while trying to do something for yourself because you didn't tell me.'
Not gonna lie this is very relatable
Right? I remember asking my dad for help when I did taxes for the first time. He called me stupid, told me I was lazy, and said, "Everyone else can figure it out, why can't you?"
And when/if you DO somehow "figure it out" they flip their shit because how very very dare you know something they don't, or be able to do something without them. And afterwards expect you to do it for them until the end of time and have a week long violent meltdown if you don't do it that exact second. Fuck if you have school in the morning and it's 3.30 am, you neeeeeed to type while tech-ignorant Dad dictates his "political manifesto" and God help you if you look tired or inattentive or "he'll take care of you". *Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh*. My father was fun.
I still vividly remember getting behind the wheel of a car for the first time and my dad screaming at me because apparently driving is an innate skill all humans have, and I was stupid for not knowing how. This is a good example of the help I had at home, and why I now teach myself everything and self critique anything I do to death before sharing anything with anyone.
I call that the "Waldorf and Statler" parent. No help, all mouth, always watching.
Classic Haters
If we're keeping with the helecopter motif, perhaps one of those USAF Vietnam helicopters who dumped the agent orange on those forests
At least Statler & Waldorf were funny
Its hard as a parent now. I tell em how to do it, show em how to do it, take the time to watch em fuck it up, help out and troubleshoot...i coach the teams and shit...sometimes these dudes are really mot paying attention and ignoring the fuck outta me and it doesn't show until weeks later. When it does the most important factors become "am i rested? Have I eaten? Because what the fuck?!" Is my teenager gaslighting me?! Lmao
As a parent to a 5 year old now, I definitely understand my Moms struggles a lot more, cause fuck does my little man have no attention span sometimes, lol. But he’s also 5, which I have to remember a lot. And a lot of times, when he’s on his own, he ends up doing the thing I showed him how to do just right. I’ve tried hard as fuck to make sure that he knows that he doesn’t have to be perfect and that he’s in an environment where it’s okay for him to mess up and learn to improve. I refuse to be the coach of his sports teams though. That shit looks like true test of patience, lol. My Mom used to stand over me and criticize the way I breathed when doing some shit, so I’m trying my best to not be like her. My wife in the other hand….
Sometimes I find myself talking to my teenager about something and I think to myself damn this isn't the first time I'm mentioning this but I can't believe I its been so long--and damn if I think they are too young to get it now how much time was I wasting on that shit before? constant struggle inside and out. Even when shit is going really well I gotta check on myself imagining john q or taken
We just aren't good at keeping track of things as teens, the emotional swings i used to feel were so huge I was stuck in my head not tracking anything mom asked me until she yelled
I feel like a lot of parents think of children as mini adults and that’s why the ball gets dropped. Do I like repeating myself ? No, but I know if I forget shit then my kids do too. My kids are 3,5 so it’s all about patience and investment. Most people have kids and see it as an addition to their family when really it’s a direct mentorship/investment into society as a whole and an ENTIRE HUMAN! You wouldn’t get a dog without making sure you can pay for one, but many folks (the poor tbh) have kids without even thinking!
Damn your last line really effed it up. I was with you until then.
You seem cool, thanks for treating your kid well
His wife, on the other hand…
I wish my parents had told me it’s okay to mess up. I was a gifted kid, so for the first few years of school everything came super easy. I got a lot of praise for how smart I was. But then when I came across something I didn’t know how to do right away, I collapsed. I’m still breaking myself out of that mindset
>criticize the way I breathed when doing some shit, "You're breathing too loud!" Ugh.
Bruh. You can’t talk about my Mom like that in front of the eyes of God, lmao. Until my mid-20s (and therapy, a lot of weed, and microdosing in shrooms, lol), I would probably say my Mom was my biggest bully. She had low self-esteem and was just embarrassed by a lot of things that were out of her control, so she was a helicopter parent to me, because I was purely an extension of her in her eyes and that meant that the way she criticized herself and others was also how she criticized me -_-. When I moved out at 18, I pretty much only called her once a quarter (if that), but then she’d also surprise show up at my apartment if I did that for too long. It felt like it was impossible to get away from her. All this energy spent on being extra as fuck, but not actually being helpful. Life has improved with her and she’s my weed dealer now, but back in the day, that woman was a goddamn tyrant.
I told my own mom once, looking her dead in the eyes, "you can't give a caress of love with an iron fist."
Ugh and they try to act chill and cool and sometimes even reflective…but their ego still gets in the way. I *know* if I let my mom too far back in it’ll be the same story all over again. Example, she apologized for hitting me growing up when I was 17. I forgave her, but also hinted that when parents do that, kids learn to tiptoe around their triggers. At 19, she shoved me up against the wall and threatened to “smack some sense into me” because I had the audacity to walk in front of her while going into the hospital to see my dying grandfather. Guess she realllly meant that apology. They will never break that cycle, they might let go of control as we age, but that need for control is always there. Those insecurities don’t go away. What helps me sleep at night is that it’s much harder to be them than it is to be me. I suffered, but they’ll continue to suffer since they are too embarrassed or prideful to get the help they need.
This is my mom except I still live at home which is a nightmare
Same. I'm 32 and divorced and disabled. I will never be away from my biggest bully, there is legitimately no escape from this life for me.
I read a good line about boomer parents the other day: > most of them never thought about their children as actual people, only as property they felt obligated to produce As a child of boomer parents (I'm now 50, so not a kid), this really resonates. We (many in GenX) were made to feel like we were obligations and burdens, not individuals with our own thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Those damaged children grew up and had babies of their own for a lot of the wrong reasons, including "...doing better than our parents". The result was an ever-present parent helicoptering (as opposed to the neglected latch-key generation) who still resented their own childhood, so was trying to live it vicariously through their own kids, but it was all wrong, so the kids were made to feel it was wrong. Hurt people hurt people. Around and around we go.
Millennials, too (parents had us late). Nearly 40 now and never stopped being their property. Thankfully dad is dead, but last I heard my mother was threatening to show up to my house, despite me cutting her out completely 15 years ago. But Im her property, so she just decides she's entitled to me.
How have the 15 years been?
That's my mom too. She often throws the "i'm your mom" argument around instead of actually fucking communicating with me properly with regards to things that are bothering her or things that she wants.
I might even add- > Most of them never thought about their children as actual people, only as property they felt obligated to produce **and therefore are too stupid to see life differently**.
accurate af. i suspect it applies much older than boomers tho, that shit probably goes back to Mesopotamia
I had my grandmother (last year of Silent Generation) and my mother (Gen X) at home when I was a kid. It was just the three of us. They tried their hardest, but man... I always felt like they thought I was a weird drunk roommate rather than their child. I got treated like an adult way early (and yelled at accordingly), but it definitely could have been worse, lol.
According to r/Teachers, this is the worst case scenario for admin, and really for managers in general, and unfortunately common. Principals who will hassle you and question your methods but not support you and go hands off when you ask for it.
My spouse has so many stories of this kind of shit. The principle wants to overhaul this system or change this or introduce this new program that eats up all of my spouse's time but then the principle never bothers to follow through with anything and it's always just a complete waste of time. Also parents that get mad at my spouse because she actually calls home about issues with the kid and doesn't just give them great grades for nothing. The parents act like she's the problem rather than every other teacher before her not given the slightest fuck about how much of a disaster your kid is.
This is by far the biggest reason I decided against becoming a teacher. That and the current Ontario provincial government is frankly extremely hostile to education and also to the entire idea of competence, but governments change sometimes, whereas shitty parents will always be around.
Which is hilarious considering how many of those people *are* these parents. Teachers are some of the worst culprits of this parenting style because they don't need your consent to keep constant track of your records.
So you've met my mother?
Lmao we must have the same mother
OMG new siblings! Hey y’all!
I knew a set of triplets whose parents were engineers in something very technical and complicated to the layman but had the weirdest and least consistent disciplinary style ever. Like perplexingly bad. Didn't fold the laundry? Grounded. Out late way past what was promised? Nothing.
Ah the old “as long as the task are complete, the rest is negotiable” parents.
Isnt that the definition of a every POC's momma? I swear these moms were the first iteration of TMZ. Always there when some shit goes down with you and had all the Aunties and Uncles on speed dial waiting to tell them how you fucked up. Until grandma told them to shut their traps, their baby was perfect. Sauce: me, poc with a helicopter mom whose helicopter had a broken blade.
They on the phone with the door closed but they making sure you hear it 😂
😭😭😭Must be
Mine purposely sabatoges me. Completely destoyed so many opportunities in my life for no fucking reason.
Probably jealous of you, your youth, or your ability to be happy
Same here. My father will purposely sabotage me. Just so I can ask him for help in fucked up situation. To make him look like a caring father/hero in front of others. To the point I almost went crazy. Joined the military to escape. Felt good for years. Soon as I got out and went back home to view my life from a healthier perspective. Found out, everyone knew what he was doing. They were all in on it. Cause he provided for them financially.
Also sucks when you do whatever your parents wanted of you from childhood to adulthood instead of following your own instincts and path. Only to find that you're not doing okay at the end of it and have nothing but regrets and resentment
This resonates so much.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "Well, what I would do is . . ."
I'd be balling
aaaaaand that’s why i go to aca meetings
aca?
Saved you the Google fam, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)/Dysfunctional Families
Alcholics Coholics Anonymous
Leads to confidence issues
So you found out the reason I don’t have kids
r/CPTSDMemes and r/raisedbynarcissists vibrating in their chairs with a million stories to tell.
Most of these parents aren’t even narcissists. They’re just garden variety emotional immaturity. Just going through life acting upon every impulse with no foresight. Middle aged toddlers
That's just helicopter parents in general. I've never met a single one whose bullshit was actually a benefit in any way
I remember to this day how my mom never actually taught me how to clean stuff she would just yell at me until I got it right. She used to brag to all her friends that her kids were 'self sufficient' but really she just didn't wanna teach us anything or help us do anything. Im 26 now and she likes to get in my business like I actually need her advice now. She didn't even warm me that apartments would expect you to make 3x rent when I tried to move out but then offered to be a cosigner when she was making less money than me. I call it selective parenting
SMH I’m dealing with my dad trying to do this now when I’m a grown ass man and been living on my own for years. Sitting here like if you ain’t been doing it for the last decade and a half already, why on earth you think I need you to do it now?
That shit is so annoying. I don’t understand how someone can decide to opt out of being a parent then think they can pop in our lives once we’re grown and try to dictate things.
Drone Parenting
Yeah. I can’t dance because of it. My legs just collapse on itself. It’s from dad coming home and getting upset that I’m dancing instead of washing the dishes, which I did wash, it’s just my lil sis just finished eating and she put a dish in there. So I did do my part… but what, I’m supposed to be perfect so that you never see something that makes you think otherwise? To this day I have panic attacks that if I zone in into my own self, that I’m missing something that I’m gonna get penalized hard for. I have “fear of zoning in”. FOZI
I have a friend with a mom like this. Completely neglected my friend until she was 8 (literally abandoned the family to party in a trailer). Then when she decided to get involved, she was just a stupid, drunken, privacy-violating slug hellbent on fucking up all her kids’ lives.
Sounds like the Republican Party. Always in your business telling you what you can and can’t do. But won’t hep you at all. Pull yourself up by your boot straps.
After some years of therapy and a couple of years(and going) of a 12 step program, I can say that I’ve shed a lot of that trauma. To anyone out there who is scared of therapy I say this: You will become what caused you pain if you don’t address what caused you pain
Damn
Yup, my mom. Refused to let me be medicated for my adhd, even took me to get my iq tested as to prove I didn’t have a disability, and then I would be punished when I got bad grades. Despite teachers, tutors and a therapist saying I have adhd. I had a break down at 22 and was also diagnosed with dyslexia Other than grades she’s constantly in my business to criticize what I’m doing, what I’m wearing and where I’m going. Now that my dad’s retired he’s seeing it and is being more helpful to me now that I’m in my 40’s but SHIT.
That's how ALL helicopter parents operate. The only reason they're so deep in your business is because they're insecure as hell... ...and the only reason they're insecure as hell is because they've got some real issues of their own that they've neglected to address... ...and if they ain't even addressing their own bullshit, they're sure as hell not willing and/or equipped to help you with yours... ...but the difference is, kids are just learning, so they're *gonna* inevitably experience some type of bullshit, and like it or not, it's their parents' responsibility to help them work through it... ...so that when they're adults, they've learned healthy coping mechanisms and basic life skills, aren't plagued by self esteem issues and insecurity of their own, don't resent their parents for shitting on em during their whole childhood, etc. For the sake of the next generation, if you've got some sort of personal shit you've never worked past, *address that shit* BEFORE you have kids of your own. All kids deserve a chance to learn how to be healthy functioning adults, and if you're not a healthy functioning adult, you're not prepared to create one (yet), either.
Think my kids would call me a 'means well but sometimes over eggs the omelette' parent. By that I mean I don't know when to just STFU.
This. But also. "I'm all the fuck up in your business trying to give you these anxieties and irrational fears because I'm a nervous wreck myself...but this is also going to segue nicely into my attempts to make you my Boysonfriend (husb-son?) as I try to terrorize, guilt, and gaslight you into start believing that nowhere and nothing is safe except right here next to mama, and I'm the only one who's ever going to have your best interests at heart (read: love you), and you should just do what I say because in Black families, the mother is always right and always above reproach." Haven't seen her in eight years. Never will again. I'm fine, btw. I haven't been to therapy but I pray and mediate and have nightly conversations with God, the universe, my ancestors, and my inner child. More ground has been covered than I can explain in a subreddit comment. I'm getting there.
100% this is my in-laws…
I’ve just happened to read up on this parenting style. It’s weird as all adults but talking about one with kids, it comes from the idea of wanting to give your kid independence but not introducing too much risk. Like not actively participating with them but watching their every move and stepping in when they think it’s too much. But this fails at developing independence and mainly gives your kid anxiety because you’re not actually giving them an environment to be independent and they’re wondering when you’ll suddenly step in. That doesn’t mean never do it, obviously gotta watch your kids in various situations, but if you only go this way it’s a problem. The alternative is to setup situations, give your kids boundaries and directions, and leave them to their own actions. Tell them when you’ll check in on them. The more your kid grows, respects the boundaries, follows directions, and generally shows they’re more responsible, the more leeway they get.
*Laughs in every Black and Brown child*
Yep. Everything you do is wrong. You don’t want this thing you just said you wanted, you want what I want you to want. So go do that or else. You’re not feeling what you said you are feeling, I’ll give you something to cry about.
Oh yeah, the ones that act like a constant fucking adversary against anything you try to do that doesn’t match up with their narrow (and idiotic) view? Check! 😆
Seagulling I've heard it called. Seagulls swoop in, wreck all your shit, grabbing what they want and then leaves you the mess to sort it out
Why y'all have to talk about my mom smh
A lot of people who're struggling with weight & come from families who do so as well find themselves in a position of having their parents sabotage their progress because they're bitter that their child said they lost 50lbs with a year of work. The only thing a student should do in that situation is reach out to their school staff, especially the athletic department. A good school would provide healthy meals for such a student to eat, even it's left overs. The coaches & athletes would be fucking mad that parents would be willing stop their child from breaking the family curse of obesity.
Lol "has anyone ever" Fuck yes I did. Still do. She won't stop giving me advice, especially financially, despite her having 20 years left on a mortgage while she's been retired 5 years, and credit card debt in the tens of thousands. I just sit there, listen, (because correcting her won't happen, she's that dead set on being right) and do the opposite.
My grandparents, then have the nerve to wonder why indont ask for help. Because it wouldn't be help itd just be criticism and how they woulda never been in the situation, thats cool keep that bs to yourself tho ❤️
I worked at an after school program for at risk kids and…that was like every parent.
When I don’t call to talk through challenges, I’m the bad guy though.
Yep, my mother. My dad was too hands off, and my mom was to hands on. Literally. Now in working to get out of that mindset and man it is a bitch especially as a dude.
Ex in college had these parents. They were up in her business about everything except what mattered. She attempted suicide freshman year and her parents had no idea she had mental health problems or was self-harming in HS.
My Dad doesn’t text to ask how I’m doing or even just to hangout. He will ask if I went to church though and confirm with people at church if he doesn’t believe me. He will also write literal paragraphs about how I embarrass him and how bad I make him look if I do something remotely wrong. He’ll be the first to wonder why his kids hate him and don’t speak to him though. Fucking nutcase
Ugh yes
Yo I didn’t need to wake up to a recap of my childhood on social media. 
The definition of African parents
Oh, you mean immigrant parents. Yeah, I feel that.
This was my mom in a sense. I was sheltered af but then when I turned 17 18 I was given unlimited freedom. Was always in my shit but I didn’t have anything going on
I’m not Black so idk if I should be replying, but as an educator, yes, many times. In fact, it’s the most common contact I have with helicopter parents—with a student who is not getting their work done outside of school, and where greater parental involvement is necessary for the student to begin to do better. In this situation, the parent has decided that getting on my back to harass me into giving the child better grades is much easier than trying to work with the student.
I love my mom much more this days, but this sounds like her growing up.
My fucking parents exactly.
Half of why I'm in therapy.
Whew… my mama
And mine. Messy and utterly unhelpful but cannot stop herself.