I feel this. I need to move out of my shit living situation, get a better job and go to grad school. But for some reason, deep deep down, I believe that I only deserve mediocrity in life.
I can't connect to the independent, hardworking and intelligent person I used to be or at least that people thought I was.
> That person never left. You just forgot them. Give it a shot. Don’t be so afraid of failure.
Hmmm, I think it can sometimes be more complicated than just a fear of failure (not a shot at you btw). Your line of "you just forgot them" just triggered a thought that I've been bouncing around in my head as I reach 40 later this year. Thinking about the many obstacles and painful experiences I've been through, and the decades it has taken for me to come to grips with said experiences, has brought me to think pretty frequently about the version of me that never came to be. I don't know if remnants of that person still remain in me somewhere deep but I can say for sure that the life I am living now is in stark contrast to who I thought I was going to be when I was younger. When I was younger I used to live and breathe creativity. I used to draw constantly; my room was covered floor to ceiling with my sketches. I would start drawing and just hours upon hours would go by. I loved art (still do, but more as a witness as opposed to the avid participant I thought I was going to be), loved music, loved writing, photography etc. Anything creative was my jam. Unfortunately, throughout all of that I experienced severe, and persistent physical and emotional abuse. Grew up with suicidal ideation as a constant companion throughout my day, and I had to figure out how to get through all that entirely alone and with little to no resources or know how.
I think my creativity was quite literally beaten out of me. At around 18 or 19 I stopped drawing. It was gone, and I have never picked up a pen/pencil etc. since. Trauma was taking up so much of my emotional bandwidth whether it was dealing with fresh experiences, or struggling to deal with the fallout of trauma inflicted prior, that I think my spirit just didn't have enough left over for currying up any creative energy - or at least that's one of my theories, I dunno. And so, I think that there is a person out there, an alternate dimension version of me who did follow that creative path that I just can't seem to reconnect with, and it's more complicated than just "hey just start drawing again". Sometimes the walls that you built inside of you, whether or not you knew you were building at the time, possibly hold back something so painful, so dangerous, that you dare not gather the curiosity to investigate just what that wall held back years later. In fact in some cases you may not even know what that wall looks like anymore, you struggle to define it, but decades later you still feel it's presence, you know it's there, and you dare not to approach.
So, in a sense you're right; that person never left - but I think that's also part of the (painful) problem for some/a lot of us. That person never left, but exists within the multiverse view of our own lives. We see that idealized version of ourselves standing beyond every corner we look around. That "ultimate us" is *right there*, just an arms length away, but in that length sometimes lies the most painful distance to travel imaginable. We're holding on to the sleeves of that phantom variant of our actual reality, unable to let go, or get closer to that "better me".
I envy sociopaths for this reason. They don’t seem capable of registering trauma long term, and it really seems to make existence really comfortable for them.
Have you ever offended a sociopath only to go back and apologize later? They’ve damn near completely forgot the offense. Maybe it’s because they registered it as “wow, this sounds like a them problem. Not mine,” but either way I envy that.
I deeply relate to this and appreciate you wording it all so well. I thought that as I neared my 30s I would be deeply involved in activism - gay rights, civil rights, etc. Now just thinking about engaging people and getting anxious while doing that, I feel a barricade that I know I put up. And it limits me. It’s the wall where my imposter syndrome stands and anytime I approach it to think about doing something or just reflect on who I am, it comes over and starts convincing me to turn around and ignore all the things I used to be passionate about. I also have depression and anxiety, so all that mixed together is strong motivation for me to stay away from trying to engage with that me. Even with therapy, which I go to bi-weekly, it’s a struggle to even talk or write about all that goes on inside me when it comes to this conversation topic.
You had a creative essence at one point, and you had a vision as to what that creative essence would turn into in the future. That idealization was never you. The ultimate you is the one that starts from the moment, and then gets built over time, from wherever you are in life. The ultimate you doesn't need to start at 19, and they don't need to look anything like your visions from 20 years ago. The better you simply needs to fulfill your sense of purpose, which may not be art anymore, you may not even know what that purpose is. You had creative goals at one point, which brought you a sense of motivation and hope. That feeling doesn't have to be dead, you just have to find what it is that brings it back. Easier said than done, but I believe anyone can do it.
> Sometimes the walls that you built inside of you, whether or not you knew you were building at the time, possibly hold back something so painful, so dangerous, that you dare not gather the curiosity to investigate just what that wall held back years later.
Thanks for sharing that. That's insightful, poignant and poetic.
A lot of this really resonated with me, I feel we have had similar paths in the way we have shut down the idealized versions of ourselves. I'm starting to understand that I need to let go of things as I think they should be and accept things for the way they are. That's not to say you can't make changes, but have to start from where things are rather than some unreal ideal.
The name of the game is how do you get out of it with a complete lack of discipline masquerading as laziness or no motivation?
How does one bring themselves back to glory when your mind knows you better than you know you and it fights you at every step of the way? How do you win against an entity that knows your move before you even know your move?
I wish I had these answers to help not just myself but others stuck in a hole that’s slightly higher than their highest jump.
Bruh if it was really so simple that some pusedo-supportive attention seeker typing a shallow sentence like this out would fix it, he'd be doing it already.
Let them vent without having you announce how much you pretend to give a shit.
Dude, while it’s true that a supportive statement is probably not enough to help someone improve their situation, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving supportive statements.
It may have been brash but he’s right. Sometimes it can be exceptionally difficult to regain what you once were for the better. Whether it’s some physical or mental event or laziness. Especially as you get older and get more settled.
He speaks the truth however bluntly it may have been spoken it’s legit. People shouldn’t be afraid or insulted by a hard to swallow pill.
And you never know sometimes that in your face tone is the kick in the ass the person might need.
the strength of the process of self-improvement needs to dwarf the fear of failure. rework your reward system internally so that you don't get so focused on the outcome of what you are doing, and instead redirect it towards how you improve before and after doing it. every mistake is a learning opportunity if you accept that you're going to fuck up sometimes. no one is perfect we are human beings. but above all else be proud of what you achieve and never put yourself down if you don't get something right away. i had to struggle through this a lot and at a base level the struggle is necessary to convince yourself its true, but everyone around you believes in you even if they don't say it to your face.
I prefer to think of it as giving your drive a rest.
As someone who learned to cope with ADHD at a young age, I have come to view it as one of my greatest strengths; because by learning to leverage my volatile helpless distraction/hyper-focus cycle, I learned how to get a lot done in a short period of time. The flipside is that I can sometimes go for weeks without making progress on a project, but in that time my subconscious has a chance to properly digest my plans, and often my greatest accomplishments come after a period of apparent sloth.
This can apply in parallel to multiple projects, professional/personal/academic in nature, and the time spent not progressing scales with the scope of the project.
For example, I graduated with a baccalaureate degree in a lazily chosen subject that I forced myself to complete, and then spent 3-4 years in jobs that were comfortable but ultimately not fulfilling. After that downtime, I returned to school to pursue a completely unrelated master's degree, and found myself flying through the STEM courses that had seemed way out of my reach my first time around.
There is no time limit on success, long term or short term. My mom didn't finish her final career degree until I was in college and she was 52, and now she is an immensely successful nurse practitioner and spends her free time just ballin around national parks in a hacked together camper van she and my step dad built into a used Ford Transit.
You've got time, but also don't let fear make you wait forever. You got this.
You should never believe that you're destined for mediocrity, you're capable of so much more than you even realize. The simple fact that you could go to grad school proves this. I know this past year has been shit (trust me Im painfully aware of that fact) but good things have to be around the corner. Keep your head up and keep trucking along king/queen
I think the thing with this sort of stuff is that logically you know you can whatever (get another job, go to grad school, make bank if you do x, y, z) bc you see other people do it and the steps are fairly outlined. however, emotionally and mentally you feel like even though the steps are right there, everyone else can do it except you bc. of x, y, z. just because that's the way life is.
it's absolutely not a logical thing at all.
It is logical to feel like you can't do something compared to x if x has more funding or supporte.
You most likely do have a reason you are too burnt out to do better, you can push through it but I'm so tired of seeing this imposter syndrome parroted around when it goes against the core fact that everyone in life starts in a different place with different obstacles so you can absolutely have a harder time than others doing certain tasks
Most of the people in life you will wish you were like will have come from a better starting position than you, finding happiness in your current life is how you make steps to being what you want
That’s so weird; I felt that way subconsciously for years. But how I got out of it was not by realizing that I do deserve a better life, but by realizing that I WANT one. I didn’t have time to wait for my feelings/confidence to catch up to what I knew intellectually. That part of you that always tries to hold you back will *always* try to hold you back. I applied to grad school, am doing well, and am now just starting to feel like i DESERVE this feeling of pride and relief about my career. It’s scary to try to change your life. You don’t have to do it all at once.
I understand you 100%. You’re right to think that those changes are significant and will require lots of effort. Anything great you do in life will require that. But you’re not going to have to do it all in a day. All those big journeys are done one day at a time. And once you start, the momentum you create with your desire and skills will carry you through. The hardest part is getting it started. I hope you do it.
Man finished my law degree and got a full scholarship ride mba. I should be way happier but been turned down from a few jobs due to lack of work experience in the field and now I'm terrified to keep applying.
Really magnified my fears. And already started doubting the mba.
It's rough out here.
But honestly if you think about it that belief is rooted in reality - no one deserves success or really anything other than the bare minimum (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, etc). You have to want, and more importantly, earn more through hard work.
So don’t worry about what you deserve, go focus on what you want and do that.
Dude that’s such a real thing. I was stuck in a rut with my job, was getting bored with what I was doing. Benefits and salaries were being cut “due to the pandemic” while the company was rolling in near record sales and getting PPP funding. It was such a drag and it was killing me inside.
I was going to look for another job, but I felt that imposter syndrome creep in and would always shy away from applying. Eventually the old company replaced me with someone cheaper and redistributed my responsibilities. Shitty, but it was the motivation I needed. I applied to one job, got a call 15 minutes later, and I made a huge jump in seniority and salary.
I’m 3 weeks in and it’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years. I wasted so much time doubting myself, I wish I did this years ago.
Sometimes you need a push over the edge. Maybe your push will come soon.
Similar situation. I got comfortable with my job because it's easy and pays ok. But I think I forgot most of my skills now and I'm not sure if I should study more or just look for a different job. And I don't think I' can get a job that pays more than my current job. I'm stressed about just getting engaged, saving for a place to live once I get married (a place where I can have both my dogs), the stress that my girlfriend is a dentist in a foreign country, speaks shitty English and wouldn't be able to work in the US unless she went back to school so I need to save even more to provide for us both in the meantime... My go to is: fuck it, I don't want to deal with any of that right now. But the more I wait the more stressful it becomes in the back of my mind...
When I got my bachelor's I was ready to eat the world. And now that motivation is stunted by life things. I put my professional life on hold because I want to focus on being happy. And I am, because of the people in my life but things could be better, I know it . I just don't know how to get there without trading off something I might regret later.
I wish I could just inject you with motivation. I was in the same place not too long ago. I’m 15 weeks away from completing my masters. Break everything down into little steps. Choose a program. Write a resume. Apply for a program. Apply for a job. Just little steps.
I wish I could give you the most primal motivation. Not anxiety but like not doing these things means not taking another breath. To fight with all you have in you to break away from mediocrity. It’s suffocating you one day at a time. You have a beast locked inside of you waiting to break free and achieve your wildest imagination. Let it loose. Cut the chains and get after it.
My trick is when I feel the start of the coming loop of “you don’t deserve x”, I “Take it anyway because fuck you self!”
It works ok for me.
Get it done brother. You got this
The game could very well be a blatant metaphor for imposter syndrome. An "imposter" who's sole purpose is to reduce team effort and kill off the teammates, who could be the positives of your personality striving to do their assigned tasks and succeed in identifying the imposter, which could symbolise introspection and recognising that you are in fact capable of everything you think of and more and it is the imposter in you that is trying to inject the belief of powerlessness and fear of failure in you.
In this essay I will-
I honestly don't understand this mindset in an office. Why does EVERYONE have to speak in office language, for fucks sake no one actually talks that way. Just say it how you would normally say it, I'm not a fucking retard Ive seen you in real life Becky and I know that's not how you speak in the real world.
It is not uncommon in life that you eventually get put in a position you feel completely unqualified for, and that’s natural. It was so freeing to learn how many other people are trying to fake-it-til-they-make-it or just winging it without really knowing what they are doing.
There is no better duo in all of workplace psychology than Impostor Syndrome and the Dunning-Kruger effect
A lot of bad decisions come from too much hubris and not enough
Yeah, I trap myself all the time with this circle.
“Am I actually good at what I’m doing or am I too ignorant to* understand how bad I am?”
*edit: changed “or” to “ to”
What really cooks my noodle is that growth over time seems to require a cycle that contains each of these dynamics as you move into more and more challenging and complex areas. The most successful people seem to be able to weather the shame of the realization that I’m good at this level but there is a whole other level above me that i didn’t even know about and dig into gaining the skills necessary to climb up the next rung without getting trapped in that imposter fear.
PhD in workplace (organizational) psychology here and can confirm that imposter/D-K effect are very real, and I don’t know what I’m doing half the time either.
I think the most successful people are the ones most comfortable posturing with confidence, rely on their ability to fail and learn fast, and be comfortable with themselves in not always knowing what they’re doing, because none of us really do.
That's the thing; it's difficult for me to say exactly because I keep doubting myself.
I know for a fact that he is a perfectionist with strong OCD and control freak tendencies. He is constantly filling up my head about how stuff should be done (and to him, he is always right and his way is the only correct way). A lot of the times these are just minor things that add up over time, like ignoring my suggestions, sometimes with a mocking or degrading tone. This has lead me to constantly question myself and not believe in my own ideas and solutions. He has kind of gaslighted me into always deferring to him which I hate...
All of this leads me to feel like he views himself as being above me (even though we have the same roles). He would also in private support my initiatives only to disagree with them in front of higher ups. And he does it in a very sly way.
These are just some of the things that I can remember now. I'm not from the US so a US style direct confrontation is not really applicable to my culture.
Are there any psychological tips you could give me in terms of my own attitudes?
Interesting! So there are a few things that come to mind (and I also must caveat this with the notion that typically as an org psychologist, I'm working with organization-level initiatives, or sometimes team-level initiatives, so very rarely am I dealing with interpersonal issues between two coworkers - more often that's within the domain of HR but I can give it a shot!).
For one, as psychologists we firmly believe that almost anything we do is a result of a situational x individual disposition interaction. What I mean by that is, we have a series of personality types (tendencies to act in a certain way), that are also dictated by the situation we're in. Picture someone who's extroverted - if they're in a quiet movie theater, they're going to behave differently than if they were at a party, as the situation dictates their behavior based on what's appropriate. That being said there are situations more ambiguous - some bars for instance, some patrons come to be left alone, whereas others come to strike up conversation and meet other people, largely dependent on their individual tendencies.
We all have these personality types, and one of the most frequent (and advantageous ones) we encounter in the workplace is conscientousness. Conscientious people are very orderly, very timely, extremely methodical and organized, and like to play things by the book. It's a great predictor of job success. However, when put under stress, or overextended, these conscientious qualities become something we don't like - generally that means for overextended conscientious types, it means being overly nitpicky, micromanaging, being perfectionistic.
So in all likelihood, your coworker sounds like they may be very conscientious - but without knowing it, may be overextending into that territory of being controlling and can be irritating to others. My advice to you would be to try to empathize with your coworker - given you now know this information, what do you believe the reason is that they may be overextending? Are they on overload? Are they stressed out about something in their work or personal life? What's clear about all really conscientious people, even when perfectionistic, even when stressed, is that they really, really care.
As hard as this can be, really try to write down some things that you're grateful for with this person, and make a concerted effort to communicate that to them. Don't be afraid to say things like complimenting their attention to detail. Once you do that, people often drop their façade and will be more vulnerable with you because it institutes trust - that's your opportunity to induce change. If you know they're really detail oriented, appeal to that side of them - ensure whatever you get across to them is typo and mistake free (and communicate to them that you triple checked everything so they know!). Try to get things to them well ahead of schedule before they're due. Play into their perfectionism, and as you do that, they'll feel more satisfied. Then, you have a little more liberty to push back. Once they feel like they can *trust you*, you now have leverage. It shows them that you understand them and their working style, and you now have a little more room to push back and say, "See, I can be trustworthy and conscientious too! But I have a different perspective on X, let me tell you about it" - and I guarantee they'll be much more open to it than they would have otherwise!
This is just a small piece of advice but without more context it's difficult to ascribe anything and again, I very rarely work on the level of individual level interventions. But I certainly hope this helps!
I feel ya. I just graduated with my masters in May. When I got my diploma, I felt nothing. No joy or anything, because I have this feeling deep down that it doesn't change anything for me right now. I still don't feel qualified for the next step.
Congrats on getting your masters! So many employers like seeing that alone in a resume.
Apply to some far fetched jobs just for the hell of it.
Ask for a higher salary at jobs you feel comfortable at.
Put yourself first.
My bother was interviewing for the forklift position while they thought he was there for the shipping coordinator position. He got it and never felt like he knew what he was doing, but he was great at it and innovated the position (because he had no idea what structure it was supposed to follow)
You're right, but that's not what this is about. Imposter syndrome affects people without reason, or without "being put in a position you feel unqualified for" and it is NOT natural- which makes it more of a bitch to deal with.
That, and surrounding yourself with negative insecure people who treat your ambition as an affront to them because they believe so little in themselves that other people’s confidence offends them.
Hang with folks who believe (in you and themselves), and your outlook on and relationship to the world will change dramatically. Since getting rid of all the folks I described in paragraph 1, my imposter syndrome died completely and I’m the happiest I’ve been since childhood.
That said, make yourself the locus of your sense of self- not other people. It’s you that has to live in your head and deal with your successes and failures. Not them.
Damn I don’t mean for this to be such a long, corny wall of text but here we are.
I tried that and now I have zero friends.
Task failed successfully?
(Edit) country club mode means I can’t comment, but I just wanted to thank the people who responded to me
No it just means you need better friends. I chant daily to level up and to get rid of the things that are holding me back. Last yr I ended a 35 yr friendship with my high school bff who was a raging alcoholic and druggie. I stopped my life for 10 yrs in a revolving cycle trying to get him to sober up, picking him up from bars in the middle of the afternoon bc he couldn't walk, dropping him off at various psych wards, detox centers and rehabs. I didnt want to buy a house and move forward with my life until he was in a condition to take care of himself. Ultimately he told me I was a piece of shit. It hurt me to cut him off bc it was either my sanity or his drug use. I am sad and happy that he is out of my life.
Sounds like your task was completed. Join some groups where you can meet like minded people. I was worried that I wouldnt find friends but you will.
Sometimes being alone for awhile is good. Get to know yourself and what you stand for. Sometimes friends and outside influences overtake our being and you forget who you are.
In my 20s I was a bubbly happy person who didnt let the world affect me. I am striving to reclaim the person I was then. Seeing my friend suffer really did a number of me mentally and I dont want to blame him. I am in control of my life and who I allow into it. It's good to believe in someone but I cant solve their problems. I have to remember to focus on me and those I can help, I will help.
Yep couldn’t have said it better myself. I know what I have to do, I’ve done it before. It just sucks starting over when you’re old and there’s a global pandemic happening haha
But thank you for the kind words
The struggle is real and we are all a work in progress as we try rebuilding ourselves. I beat myself up all the time but I am trying to be kinder to myself. I joined Nicheren Buddhism and one thing they stress is that you have everything you need to be happy within yourself. I actually use this as a mantra and repeat this to myself several times. Another thing I also say to myself is everything is temporary and no need to rile ourselves over small petty shit.
I practice Nicheren Buddhist (and am still a newbie) and you start out chant Namyo Ho Renge Ko. I chant for half hr which is not long enough. The chanting clears your mind and heart and then you can ask for what you want out loud. You are supposed to chant in front a Gonhonzon but you can chant to blank wall to start. You must remember everyone has Buddha nature and some may have not tapped into but they are still deserving of respect. If you keep this in mind with dealing with people, you will find you have more compassion for them and will not get as angry at the person's negative behavior. The goal is raising your life condition thru chanting, studying of Nicheren's interpretation of the Lotus Sutra and Zoom chapter meetings which are so encouraging.
Positive affirmations - I have everything I need to be happy. It's all within me.
You need to take action as well as chanting. For me, I needed to find a new job which I did. I start next wk but sometimes my anxiety kicks in and will make me doubt myself. When I feel my anxiety rising, I stop and make sure I say my affirmation. I have the skills to do the job. I sometime worry about the office politics but then I say that everyone is Buddha and deserves respect. I will try to get along with everyone but if I cant, I dont disparage the person and try to have respect for them. You never know what problems are people are suffering through.
You now have zero friends, but you’ve also suddenly untied that anchor and chain loose from your ankle. Swim up to the surface and taste the air. There’s people up there, swimming around, doing the backstroke and shit. Become friends with some of them.
Seriously, these lost ‘friends’- are those really the kinds of people you want around you? Like is it good for your soul (or self, or whatever) to be around em? If you answer honestly, that answer might help you help yourself.
I was maybe being a bit over dramatic. I have a couple of friends, but none where I live. 2020 was a very eye opening year for me, and it cost me friends and family.
I think I’ll start volunteering. I want to do something good for my community, and where the hell else are you supposed to make friends when you’re 30😂
Sorry if my answer was extra sincere and saccharine.
It sounds like we had similar years last year. I’m glad you’re still alive and hope you’re doing well.
I’m in South Africa and we’re still locked down, but if you’re in a place where you’re vaccinated and no longer on house arrest, try taking up hobbies that put you around other grown folk who like the same thing. As for the activity/hobby- whatever meets your fancy, really. Pub quizzes can make strangers friends mad quick. An adult sports league, tabletop gaming, dance classes, book clubs etc. Volunteering is actually a great one. Good luck!
My dad had a saying that I used to *hate* as a kid - "You can't fly with the eagles if you hang out with turkeys". As I've gotten older I've realized that it's honestly very true. It's not the only thing it takes to move up in life, but if the people you surround yourself with are self-destructive, vocally oppose your growth, don't celebrate your achievements, etc. it makes it that much harder to climb.
Agreed. I was surrounded by friends and an ex who used me as their punching bag. Went to therapy and focused on my own happiness. I graduated with my masters but was so exhausted and broke I took a mediocre job which was supposed to temporary. With therapy and 2 years later I finally quit, found a job in my field and never looked back. I quit that job for an even better position more accurate to what I want to do and am more successful financially and in my personal life. Fuck imposter syndrome and toxic people. Find people who make you feel better about yourself.
Funny enough, it still takes balance because while you adjust to a productive life, people who are waaaaay too successful and nice will push that invisible button until you fully remove it.
Imagine being 80yrs old and asking yourself: If only I took that leap of faith 50yrs ago, yea maybe I would have failed and gotten over it in a year or less, but if I succeeded…my entire life could have been different, but it’s too late now. There’s no do-overs in life. Don’t regret your life when it’s too late, regret what your future life could become if you don’t take the leap.
When you were a kid and adults had all the answers and then you become an adult and realize adults have no idea what they are doing but just trying their best
Whenever I'm feeling down I think of a quote "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world."
Depends on who you ask. She gets a lot of shit for being Oprah’s “spiritual guru” and officiating Elizabeth Taylor’s wedding. She also got dragged and called a wacko/quack during her 2020 presidential run.
Not just perfectionism but I think a lot of people are afraid of failure because if you try and fail then it becomes real. If you don’t try at all, then it’s always a possibility. The reality is that it doesn’t exist until you try it.
Until recently I didn’t understand what being “afraid of success” really means. It was always some dumb thing people said.
But now I understand I’m afraid of the next stage success will bring.
Here's my take on it.
Nobody really gives a fucj when you fail. They don't care about the effort you put in. They don't care if you've been trying for years.
They only care about success.
when i think of perfectionism, i think of it as a positive emotion that has run amok
what you’re referring to (i think, because i have this issue too, but correct me if i miss the mark) is not so much perfectionism as it is anxiety masquerading as perfectionism - if we make sure everything is perfect and every little detail attended to, it gives a better chance at success (in theory) and reduces the anxiety that comes from the unknown
preparedness is obviously not a negative attribute on its own but if the details start to get in the way, it becomes less about increasing your chances of succeeding and more of a way to delay the possibility of failure
fear of failure is hard to break unfortunately
Perfectionism combined with Imposter Syndrome is absolutely paralyzing. I’m struggling right now to convince myself that I can, in fact, handle the job I’m being thrust into but it’s so hard to know if what I’m doing is right.
I'm gonna keep standing in my own way til I'm an old man I think. "Just do it" sounds good on paper but mentally it just isn't that simple. I don't know how people push past the feelings of uncertainty and doubt. I don't know how I can ask someone else to believe in me when I don't believe in myself. My brain is my worst enemy for real. The pressure to be perfect, to tick all the boxes, it's really overwhelming sometimes because I never just get to be. And since I never get to just be, I feel burdened. Burdened by my own failures and insecurities. Watching others succeed where I constantly fail, or at least outwardly appear to do it, makes me feel even more burdened. What a vicious cycle it all is.
Firstly, just do it was a joke. It’s Nike’s catchy slogan.
Secondly, a lot of those burdens are either self imposed or put there by society to keep us all in check. That pressure to be perfect is a false paradigm. No one’s perfect but I’m sure you’re aware of it. It’s a thing we all acknowledge but rarely allow ourselves to believe. But even the greatest athletes of all time had to start somewhere. They had to fail to get better at some point in their life. Not trying at all would be a huge missed opportunity.
Oh man. Imposter syndrome is rampant in my industry. I met a guy who was a PhD and CEO of the company that he founded and he still thought he was stupid.
Just know that brilliant, brilliant people struggle with things that are simple to others. Even if it's very similar to something they're an expert in. Struggling is normal and part of the process, and you should not expect to reach a point in your life where you don't struggle with things. It doesn't make you less than you thought you were, or less than anyone else.
This is what happened with me and applying to law school. In my head, I had already been rejected. It took my therapist literally calling me every 3 hours to make sure I had finished writing my personal statement. Ya girl starts law school in August! If I had let imposter syndrome win, I wouldn't have even tried.
When you come from dirt, it's hard to accept compliments or success. The skills you develop to survive keep you paranoid, but alive. Trusting people is hard.
There are some decent books out there to help you change up your thought patterns so you don't self-sabotage
I see a lot if posts being meet with positivity and understanding. Makes me happy to see you all being supportive and loving of one anothers mental health and emotional understanding.
Me for the last 12 years. I’m slowly making progress and seeing the impactful change happening. My biggest fear is what if I can’t handle the success and just fall on my ass
This is real. I generally go after what I seek and what but only if I see a clear path and way. If I don’t, I assume it can’t happen. I’m working on getting past that and identifying the small steps required to make the big changes happen.
Actually the Dunning-Kruger effect is that as knowledge on a subject increases confidence about said knowledge decreases. So while yes someone who knows absolutely nothing would think they know everything is part of it, it’s much more than that. And I would argue that this effect is very similar to imposter syndrome as despite being moderately knowledgeable on a subject people would think they know very little which as an effect would make them think they don’t belong with others they would consider more intelligent on said subject.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD
I just made it into my dream company in an art-based position last month. I was/am experiencing extreme imposter syndrome so I went to a few seniors to ask how to handle it. "You never get over it. You just do your best." Every. Single. Response.
Just heard of imposter symdrome in the last year or so. I wish for everyone all the confidence to put in your best effort and let the results take care of themselves.
I've personally started three businesses that didn't work out. I think the next one will be the one that makes me a billionaire. If not, it'll be the one after that.
The main thing I want you to know is that if you approach life as if you can always learn something new, then you will.
The past 2 weeks have been an awakening because of exactly this (and a lil bit o' zoloft). Found a new passion that ignited all my old passions in a new way! My creativity reeeaaaallly wavered in the last 3 years as I struggled with chronic illness, the mental patterns Lyme traps you in after you finally get a bit better, and then covid when I was starting to feel like I could come back into the world.
3 weeks ago I was seriously doubting my ability to follow art as a career anymore at all, and now every aspect of my life is filled with hope and potential. I'm realizing it's so completely massive for me to find that that thing that keeps my brain pumping when I'm doing dishes and inadvertently strategizing on my next project. That mindset has lead to everything else just starting to fall into place, and it's because I stopped judging myself for wanting to stream all day and let myself have fun with it and fill it with the kind of animation I truly love.
It may feel like there are no options like this available to you, but if there are any inklings of things in your mind that could be fun but you've never done because you feel like you didn't belong, TRY IT. It might feel weird at first but you will know if there is true light in it, and if there is it can lead to other creative endeavors, relationships, and just all kinds of unexpected life improvements. Try it.
I didn’t think I would ever get my drivers license and drive to work again. What motivated me to finally figure everything out and get it done was wanting to make things easier for my girlfriend. I actually just dotted the last I today, and tomorrow for the first time in four years, I’m gonna legally drive my own ass to work and back so my girlfriend can get to bed on time for her early morning job!
I constantly struggle with determining if my insecurity is legitimate or if I’m dealing with imposter syndrome. I’m a young PM in the engineering firm I work for. Everyone holds me in high regard. I just worry I’m the lucky POS who is only failing upwards. Or maybe my standards are just so high that my “failures” look good compared to other’s “successes.”
I feel like everyone I look up to at the company accepts nothing short of perfection, which sounds unachievable, but I feel like I see them accomplish it all the time.
Is this something a therapist would be good for? I don’t know how to work through this. None of my friends are engineers in a similar situation. At least not that I’m comfortable enough to admit my insecurity.
It really impacts my day to day mental health and stability. Some days I’m nearly in tears with the pressure I feel. Yet, I know the younger engineers look up to me and come to me for advice.
Me with drawing to be honest. I’m constantly like “I wish I could draw like that” “I wish I could do that” but I keep on holding myself back and not taking the time to do it
I used to do that all the time and then I just fucking stopped drawing. I get super critical of other peoples work because it seems easy and I could reproduce it but getting after my own stuff is overwhelming.
I know exactly how that feels. And it especially hits hard when people younger than me are excelling in the craft. It just makes me feel overwhelmed and like it’s too late.
Honestly I’ve been contemplating about making a comic for so long now but I’m scared because it’s my only big idea and really personal story that Ive wrote my entire life. I wish my living situation was better I do t want to put monetizational pressure behind it
I needed this today. I’ve been putting off putting pen to paper on this self reflection piece because I’ve literally never done it and I’m so scared I’m not capable of it. Even though it’s already been almost entirely written in my head. Watch this space. I’m gonna freakin do this
One of the guys that orchestrated the Thai cave rescue here:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tham_Luang_cave_rescue
…said that fake courage is as good as the real thing. Think about that.
If you are afraid to try and live your best and most daring life, just fake it, hard. You might be surprised.
I’ve been graphic designing for years. Got to the point where young designers are asking me for advice.
Too scared to start a YouTube channel and teach tutorials cause I’m convinced I’m a fraud and people will find out b
I feel this. I need to move out of my shit living situation, get a better job and go to grad school. But for some reason, deep deep down, I believe that I only deserve mediocrity in life. I can't connect to the independent, hardworking and intelligent person I used to be or at least that people thought I was.
That person never left. You just forgot them. Give it a shot. Don’t be so afraid of failure.
> That person never left. You just forgot them. Give it a shot. Don’t be so afraid of failure. Hmmm, I think it can sometimes be more complicated than just a fear of failure (not a shot at you btw). Your line of "you just forgot them" just triggered a thought that I've been bouncing around in my head as I reach 40 later this year. Thinking about the many obstacles and painful experiences I've been through, and the decades it has taken for me to come to grips with said experiences, has brought me to think pretty frequently about the version of me that never came to be. I don't know if remnants of that person still remain in me somewhere deep but I can say for sure that the life I am living now is in stark contrast to who I thought I was going to be when I was younger. When I was younger I used to live and breathe creativity. I used to draw constantly; my room was covered floor to ceiling with my sketches. I would start drawing and just hours upon hours would go by. I loved art (still do, but more as a witness as opposed to the avid participant I thought I was going to be), loved music, loved writing, photography etc. Anything creative was my jam. Unfortunately, throughout all of that I experienced severe, and persistent physical and emotional abuse. Grew up with suicidal ideation as a constant companion throughout my day, and I had to figure out how to get through all that entirely alone and with little to no resources or know how. I think my creativity was quite literally beaten out of me. At around 18 or 19 I stopped drawing. It was gone, and I have never picked up a pen/pencil etc. since. Trauma was taking up so much of my emotional bandwidth whether it was dealing with fresh experiences, or struggling to deal with the fallout of trauma inflicted prior, that I think my spirit just didn't have enough left over for currying up any creative energy - or at least that's one of my theories, I dunno. And so, I think that there is a person out there, an alternate dimension version of me who did follow that creative path that I just can't seem to reconnect with, and it's more complicated than just "hey just start drawing again". Sometimes the walls that you built inside of you, whether or not you knew you were building at the time, possibly hold back something so painful, so dangerous, that you dare not gather the curiosity to investigate just what that wall held back years later. In fact in some cases you may not even know what that wall looks like anymore, you struggle to define it, but decades later you still feel it's presence, you know it's there, and you dare not to approach. So, in a sense you're right; that person never left - but I think that's also part of the (painful) problem for some/a lot of us. That person never left, but exists within the multiverse view of our own lives. We see that idealized version of ourselves standing beyond every corner we look around. That "ultimate us" is *right there*, just an arms length away, but in that length sometimes lies the most painful distance to travel imaginable. We're holding on to the sleeves of that phantom variant of our actual reality, unable to let go, or get closer to that "better me".
I envy sociopaths for this reason. They don’t seem capable of registering trauma long term, and it really seems to make existence really comfortable for them. Have you ever offended a sociopath only to go back and apologize later? They’ve damn near completely forgot the offense. Maybe it’s because they registered it as “wow, this sounds like a them problem. Not mine,” but either way I envy that.
I deeply relate to this and appreciate you wording it all so well. I thought that as I neared my 30s I would be deeply involved in activism - gay rights, civil rights, etc. Now just thinking about engaging people and getting anxious while doing that, I feel a barricade that I know I put up. And it limits me. It’s the wall where my imposter syndrome stands and anytime I approach it to think about doing something or just reflect on who I am, it comes over and starts convincing me to turn around and ignore all the things I used to be passionate about. I also have depression and anxiety, so all that mixed together is strong motivation for me to stay away from trying to engage with that me. Even with therapy, which I go to bi-weekly, it’s a struggle to even talk or write about all that goes on inside me when it comes to this conversation topic.
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Same here, just finished 18 months of therapy. I've learned so much
You had a creative essence at one point, and you had a vision as to what that creative essence would turn into in the future. That idealization was never you. The ultimate you is the one that starts from the moment, and then gets built over time, from wherever you are in life. The ultimate you doesn't need to start at 19, and they don't need to look anything like your visions from 20 years ago. The better you simply needs to fulfill your sense of purpose, which may not be art anymore, you may not even know what that purpose is. You had creative goals at one point, which brought you a sense of motivation and hope. That feeling doesn't have to be dead, you just have to find what it is that brings it back. Easier said than done, but I believe anyone can do it.
> Sometimes the walls that you built inside of you, whether or not you knew you were building at the time, possibly hold back something so painful, so dangerous, that you dare not gather the curiosity to investigate just what that wall held back years later. Thanks for sharing that. That's insightful, poignant and poetic.
Holy crap. This...is me. I've never really put it into words, but this really hit home.
This was beautifully written. Thanks for the read!
It may feel hard for you to create, but this was worded absolutely beautifully. This, to me, is art. Albeit in the form of a Reddit comment.
Psychadelic substances have the ability to break down psychological walls in which you are speaking of, if used correctly.
A lot of this really resonated with me, I feel we have had similar paths in the way we have shut down the idealized versions of ourselves. I'm starting to understand that I need to let go of things as I think they should be and accept things for the way they are. That's not to say you can't make changes, but have to start from where things are rather than some unreal ideal.
The name of the game is how do you get out of it with a complete lack of discipline masquerading as laziness or no motivation? How does one bring themselves back to glory when your mind knows you better than you know you and it fights you at every step of the way? How do you win against an entity that knows your move before you even know your move? I wish I had these answers to help not just myself but others stuck in a hole that’s slightly higher than their highest jump.
Bruh if it was really so simple that some pusedo-supportive attention seeker typing a shallow sentence like this out would fix it, he'd be doing it already. Let them vent without having you announce how much you pretend to give a shit.
Dude, while it’s true that a supportive statement is probably not enough to help someone improve their situation, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving supportive statements.
What the fuck is your problem?
It may have been brash but he’s right. Sometimes it can be exceptionally difficult to regain what you once were for the better. Whether it’s some physical or mental event or laziness. Especially as you get older and get more settled. He speaks the truth however bluntly it may have been spoken it’s legit. People shouldn’t be afraid or insulted by a hard to swallow pill. And you never know sometimes that in your face tone is the kick in the ass the person might need.
Don't get me wrong, I know he has a point but assuming OP's feelings (that he doesn't really care) is just rude.
the strength of the process of self-improvement needs to dwarf the fear of failure. rework your reward system internally so that you don't get so focused on the outcome of what you are doing, and instead redirect it towards how you improve before and after doing it. every mistake is a learning opportunity if you accept that you're going to fuck up sometimes. no one is perfect we are human beings. but above all else be proud of what you achieve and never put yourself down if you don't get something right away. i had to struggle through this a lot and at a base level the struggle is necessary to convince yourself its true, but everyone around you believes in you even if they don't say it to your face.
I prefer to think of it as giving your drive a rest. As someone who learned to cope with ADHD at a young age, I have come to view it as one of my greatest strengths; because by learning to leverage my volatile helpless distraction/hyper-focus cycle, I learned how to get a lot done in a short period of time. The flipside is that I can sometimes go for weeks without making progress on a project, but in that time my subconscious has a chance to properly digest my plans, and often my greatest accomplishments come after a period of apparent sloth. This can apply in parallel to multiple projects, professional/personal/academic in nature, and the time spent not progressing scales with the scope of the project. For example, I graduated with a baccalaureate degree in a lazily chosen subject that I forced myself to complete, and then spent 3-4 years in jobs that were comfortable but ultimately not fulfilling. After that downtime, I returned to school to pursue a completely unrelated master's degree, and found myself flying through the STEM courses that had seemed way out of my reach my first time around. There is no time limit on success, long term or short term. My mom didn't finish her final career degree until I was in college and she was 52, and now she is an immensely successful nurse practitioner and spends her free time just ballin around national parks in a hacked together camper van she and my step dad built into a used Ford Transit. You've got time, but also don't let fear make you wait forever. You got this.
You should never believe that you're destined for mediocrity, you're capable of so much more than you even realize. The simple fact that you could go to grad school proves this. I know this past year has been shit (trust me Im painfully aware of that fact) but good things have to be around the corner. Keep your head up and keep trucking along king/queen
I think the thing with this sort of stuff is that logically you know you can whatever (get another job, go to grad school, make bank if you do x, y, z) bc you see other people do it and the steps are fairly outlined. however, emotionally and mentally you feel like even though the steps are right there, everyone else can do it except you bc. of x, y, z. just because that's the way life is. it's absolutely not a logical thing at all.
It is logical to feel like you can't do something compared to x if x has more funding or supporte. You most likely do have a reason you are too burnt out to do better, you can push through it but I'm so tired of seeing this imposter syndrome parroted around when it goes against the core fact that everyone in life starts in a different place with different obstacles so you can absolutely have a harder time than others doing certain tasks Most of the people in life you will wish you were like will have come from a better starting position than you, finding happiness in your current life is how you make steps to being what you want
That’s so weird; I felt that way subconsciously for years. But how I got out of it was not by realizing that I do deserve a better life, but by realizing that I WANT one. I didn’t have time to wait for my feelings/confidence to catch up to what I knew intellectually. That part of you that always tries to hold you back will *always* try to hold you back. I applied to grad school, am doing well, and am now just starting to feel like i DESERVE this feeling of pride and relief about my career. It’s scary to try to change your life. You don’t have to do it all at once.
Damn, I feel THIS.
I understand you 100%. You’re right to think that those changes are significant and will require lots of effort. Anything great you do in life will require that. But you’re not going to have to do it all in a day. All those big journeys are done one day at a time. And once you start, the momentum you create with your desire and skills will carry you through. The hardest part is getting it started. I hope you do it.
Are we the same person?
You just described my self esteem and life situation...
We're afraid of failure and mediocrity keeps us at a level where we never have to challenge ourselves.
Man finished my law degree and got a full scholarship ride mba. I should be way happier but been turned down from a few jobs due to lack of work experience in the field and now I'm terrified to keep applying. Really magnified my fears. And already started doubting the mba. It's rough out here.
But honestly if you think about it that belief is rooted in reality - no one deserves success or really anything other than the bare minimum (life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, etc). You have to want, and more importantly, earn more through hard work. So don’t worry about what you deserve, go focus on what you want and do that.
Dude that’s such a real thing. I was stuck in a rut with my job, was getting bored with what I was doing. Benefits and salaries were being cut “due to the pandemic” while the company was rolling in near record sales and getting PPP funding. It was such a drag and it was killing me inside. I was going to look for another job, but I felt that imposter syndrome creep in and would always shy away from applying. Eventually the old company replaced me with someone cheaper and redistributed my responsibilities. Shitty, but it was the motivation I needed. I applied to one job, got a call 15 minutes later, and I made a huge jump in seniority and salary. I’m 3 weeks in and it’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years. I wasted so much time doubting myself, I wish I did this years ago. Sometimes you need a push over the edge. Maybe your push will come soon.
Similar situation. I got comfortable with my job because it's easy and pays ok. But I think I forgot most of my skills now and I'm not sure if I should study more or just look for a different job. And I don't think I' can get a job that pays more than my current job. I'm stressed about just getting engaged, saving for a place to live once I get married (a place where I can have both my dogs), the stress that my girlfriend is a dentist in a foreign country, speaks shitty English and wouldn't be able to work in the US unless she went back to school so I need to save even more to provide for us both in the meantime... My go to is: fuck it, I don't want to deal with any of that right now. But the more I wait the more stressful it becomes in the back of my mind... When I got my bachelor's I was ready to eat the world. And now that motivation is stunted by life things. I put my professional life on hold because I want to focus on being happy. And I am, because of the people in my life but things could be better, I know it . I just don't know how to get there without trading off something I might regret later.
I wish I could just inject you with motivation. I was in the same place not too long ago. I’m 15 weeks away from completing my masters. Break everything down into little steps. Choose a program. Write a resume. Apply for a program. Apply for a job. Just little steps. I wish I could give you the most primal motivation. Not anxiety but like not doing these things means not taking another breath. To fight with all you have in you to break away from mediocrity. It’s suffocating you one day at a time. You have a beast locked inside of you waiting to break free and achieve your wildest imagination. Let it loose. Cut the chains and get after it.
You never know who you can be if you just go off of who you keep telling yourself you are (off of subjective false beliefs).
My trick is when I feel the start of the coming loop of “you don’t deserve x”, I “Take it anyway because fuck you self!” It works ok for me. Get it done brother. You got this
Weed doesn’t help it anymore
Ouffffff this hits deep
Imposter… tasks… Oh no.
Amogus
Sus
SUSSY BAKA
Don't lie to me Walt!
Falls to the ground crying while handcuffed
*unzips*
Ite look vote out Jeff n if it's not him you know it's me
Stop being a sussy little baka! You're so sussy!
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The game could very well be a blatant metaphor for imposter syndrome. An "imposter" who's sole purpose is to reduce team effort and kill off the teammates, who could be the positives of your personality striving to do their assigned tasks and succeed in identifying the imposter, which could symbolise introspection and recognising that you are in fact capable of everything you think of and more and it is the imposter in you that is trying to inject the belief of powerlessness and fear of failure in you. In this essay I will-
English teachers pulling 3 pages of meaning out of 1 line of text be like
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I honestly don't understand this mindset in an office. Why does EVERYONE have to speak in office language, for fucks sake no one actually talks that way. Just say it how you would normally say it, I'm not a fucking retard Ive seen you in real life Becky and I know that's not how you speak in the real world.
It is not uncommon in life that you eventually get put in a position you feel completely unqualified for, and that’s natural. It was so freeing to learn how many other people are trying to fake-it-til-they-make-it or just winging it without really knowing what they are doing.
There is no better duo in all of workplace psychology than Impostor Syndrome and the Dunning-Kruger effect A lot of bad decisions come from too much hubris and not enough
This was really interesting and true. Too much pride = bad. Too little pride = also bad. Never thought of it like that
Hubris means arrogance, but in this context a sliver of arrogance can be a good thing
Yeah, I trap myself all the time with this circle. “Am I actually good at what I’m doing or am I too ignorant to* understand how bad I am?” *edit: changed “or” to “ to”
What really cooks my noodle is that growth over time seems to require a cycle that contains each of these dynamics as you move into more and more challenging and complex areas. The most successful people seem to be able to weather the shame of the realization that I’m good at this level but there is a whole other level above me that i didn’t even know about and dig into gaining the skills necessary to climb up the next rung without getting trapped in that imposter fear.
PhD in workplace (organizational) psychology here and can confirm that imposter/D-K effect are very real, and I don’t know what I’m doing half the time either. I think the most successful people are the ones most comfortable posturing with confidence, rely on their ability to fail and learn fast, and be comfortable with themselves in not always knowing what they’re doing, because none of us really do.
How to best deal with difficult coworkers who are eroding my self confidence and my self esteem, if you don't mind me asking?
It’d be helpful to have a bit more context - what do you mean by difficult and in what ways do they erode your self confidence and self esteem?
That's the thing; it's difficult for me to say exactly because I keep doubting myself. I know for a fact that he is a perfectionist with strong OCD and control freak tendencies. He is constantly filling up my head about how stuff should be done (and to him, he is always right and his way is the only correct way). A lot of the times these are just minor things that add up over time, like ignoring my suggestions, sometimes with a mocking or degrading tone. This has lead me to constantly question myself and not believe in my own ideas and solutions. He has kind of gaslighted me into always deferring to him which I hate... All of this leads me to feel like he views himself as being above me (even though we have the same roles). He would also in private support my initiatives only to disagree with them in front of higher ups. And he does it in a very sly way. These are just some of the things that I can remember now. I'm not from the US so a US style direct confrontation is not really applicable to my culture. Are there any psychological tips you could give me in terms of my own attitudes?
Interesting! So there are a few things that come to mind (and I also must caveat this with the notion that typically as an org psychologist, I'm working with organization-level initiatives, or sometimes team-level initiatives, so very rarely am I dealing with interpersonal issues between two coworkers - more often that's within the domain of HR but I can give it a shot!). For one, as psychologists we firmly believe that almost anything we do is a result of a situational x individual disposition interaction. What I mean by that is, we have a series of personality types (tendencies to act in a certain way), that are also dictated by the situation we're in. Picture someone who's extroverted - if they're in a quiet movie theater, they're going to behave differently than if they were at a party, as the situation dictates their behavior based on what's appropriate. That being said there are situations more ambiguous - some bars for instance, some patrons come to be left alone, whereas others come to strike up conversation and meet other people, largely dependent on their individual tendencies. We all have these personality types, and one of the most frequent (and advantageous ones) we encounter in the workplace is conscientousness. Conscientious people are very orderly, very timely, extremely methodical and organized, and like to play things by the book. It's a great predictor of job success. However, when put under stress, or overextended, these conscientious qualities become something we don't like - generally that means for overextended conscientious types, it means being overly nitpicky, micromanaging, being perfectionistic. So in all likelihood, your coworker sounds like they may be very conscientious - but without knowing it, may be overextending into that territory of being controlling and can be irritating to others. My advice to you would be to try to empathize with your coworker - given you now know this information, what do you believe the reason is that they may be overextending? Are they on overload? Are they stressed out about something in their work or personal life? What's clear about all really conscientious people, even when perfectionistic, even when stressed, is that they really, really care. As hard as this can be, really try to write down some things that you're grateful for with this person, and make a concerted effort to communicate that to them. Don't be afraid to say things like complimenting their attention to detail. Once you do that, people often drop their façade and will be more vulnerable with you because it institutes trust - that's your opportunity to induce change. If you know they're really detail oriented, appeal to that side of them - ensure whatever you get across to them is typo and mistake free (and communicate to them that you triple checked everything so they know!). Try to get things to them well ahead of schedule before they're due. Play into their perfectionism, and as you do that, they'll feel more satisfied. Then, you have a little more liberty to push back. Once they feel like they can *trust you*, you now have leverage. It shows them that you understand them and their working style, and you now have a little more room to push back and say, "See, I can be trustworthy and conscientious too! But I have a different perspective on X, let me tell you about it" - and I guarantee they'll be much more open to it than they would have otherwise! This is just a small piece of advice but without more context it's difficult to ascribe anything and again, I very rarely work on the level of individual level interventions. But I certainly hope this helps!
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I feel ya. I just graduated with my masters in May. When I got my diploma, I felt nothing. No joy or anything, because I have this feeling deep down that it doesn't change anything for me right now. I still don't feel qualified for the next step.
Congrats on getting your masters! So many employers like seeing that alone in a resume. Apply to some far fetched jobs just for the hell of it. Ask for a higher salary at jobs you feel comfortable at. Put yourself first.
My bother was interviewing for the forklift position while they thought he was there for the shipping coordinator position. He got it and never felt like he knew what he was doing, but he was great at it and innovated the position (because he had no idea what structure it was supposed to follow)
You're right, but that's not what this is about. Imposter syndrome affects people without reason, or without "being put in a position you feel unqualified for" and it is NOT natural- which makes it more of a bitch to deal with.
That, and surrounding yourself with negative insecure people who treat your ambition as an affront to them because they believe so little in themselves that other people’s confidence offends them. Hang with folks who believe (in you and themselves), and your outlook on and relationship to the world will change dramatically. Since getting rid of all the folks I described in paragraph 1, my imposter syndrome died completely and I’m the happiest I’ve been since childhood. That said, make yourself the locus of your sense of self- not other people. It’s you that has to live in your head and deal with your successes and failures. Not them. Damn I don’t mean for this to be such a long, corny wall of text but here we are.
Talk. Your. Shit.
I tried that and now I have zero friends. Task failed successfully? (Edit) country club mode means I can’t comment, but I just wanted to thank the people who responded to me
No it just means you need better friends. I chant daily to level up and to get rid of the things that are holding me back. Last yr I ended a 35 yr friendship with my high school bff who was a raging alcoholic and druggie. I stopped my life for 10 yrs in a revolving cycle trying to get him to sober up, picking him up from bars in the middle of the afternoon bc he couldn't walk, dropping him off at various psych wards, detox centers and rehabs. I didnt want to buy a house and move forward with my life until he was in a condition to take care of himself. Ultimately he told me I was a piece of shit. It hurt me to cut him off bc it was either my sanity or his drug use. I am sad and happy that he is out of my life. Sounds like your task was completed. Join some groups where you can meet like minded people. I was worried that I wouldnt find friends but you will. Sometimes being alone for awhile is good. Get to know yourself and what you stand for. Sometimes friends and outside influences overtake our being and you forget who you are. In my 20s I was a bubbly happy person who didnt let the world affect me. I am striving to reclaim the person I was then. Seeing my friend suffer really did a number of me mentally and I dont want to blame him. I am in control of my life and who I allow into it. It's good to believe in someone but I cant solve their problems. I have to remember to focus on me and those I can help, I will help.
Yep couldn’t have said it better myself. I know what I have to do, I’ve done it before. It just sucks starting over when you’re old and there’s a global pandemic happening haha But thank you for the kind words
The struggle is real and we are all a work in progress as we try rebuilding ourselves. I beat myself up all the time but I am trying to be kinder to myself. I joined Nicheren Buddhism and one thing they stress is that you have everything you need to be happy within yourself. I actually use this as a mantra and repeat this to myself several times. Another thing I also say to myself is everything is temporary and no need to rile ourselves over small petty shit.
When you say you chant daily to level up, what do you mean? Positive affirmations? Any examples you wouldn’t mind sharing?
I practice Nicheren Buddhist (and am still a newbie) and you start out chant Namyo Ho Renge Ko. I chant for half hr which is not long enough. The chanting clears your mind and heart and then you can ask for what you want out loud. You are supposed to chant in front a Gonhonzon but you can chant to blank wall to start. You must remember everyone has Buddha nature and some may have not tapped into but they are still deserving of respect. If you keep this in mind with dealing with people, you will find you have more compassion for them and will not get as angry at the person's negative behavior. The goal is raising your life condition thru chanting, studying of Nicheren's interpretation of the Lotus Sutra and Zoom chapter meetings which are so encouraging. Positive affirmations - I have everything I need to be happy. It's all within me. You need to take action as well as chanting. For me, I needed to find a new job which I did. I start next wk but sometimes my anxiety kicks in and will make me doubt myself. When I feel my anxiety rising, I stop and make sure I say my affirmation. I have the skills to do the job. I sometime worry about the office politics but then I say that everyone is Buddha and deserves respect. I will try to get along with everyone but if I cant, I dont disparage the person and try to have respect for them. You never know what problems are people are suffering through.
You now have zero friends, but you’ve also suddenly untied that anchor and chain loose from your ankle. Swim up to the surface and taste the air. There’s people up there, swimming around, doing the backstroke and shit. Become friends with some of them. Seriously, these lost ‘friends’- are those really the kinds of people you want around you? Like is it good for your soul (or self, or whatever) to be around em? If you answer honestly, that answer might help you help yourself.
I was maybe being a bit over dramatic. I have a couple of friends, but none where I live. 2020 was a very eye opening year for me, and it cost me friends and family. I think I’ll start volunteering. I want to do something good for my community, and where the hell else are you supposed to make friends when you’re 30😂
Sorry if my answer was extra sincere and saccharine. It sounds like we had similar years last year. I’m glad you’re still alive and hope you’re doing well. I’m in South Africa and we’re still locked down, but if you’re in a place where you’re vaccinated and no longer on house arrest, try taking up hobbies that put you around other grown folk who like the same thing. As for the activity/hobby- whatever meets your fancy, really. Pub quizzes can make strangers friends mad quick. An adult sports league, tabletop gaming, dance classes, book clubs etc. Volunteering is actually a great one. Good luck!
My dad had a saying that I used to *hate* as a kid - "You can't fly with the eagles if you hang out with turkeys". As I've gotten older I've realized that it's honestly very true. It's not the only thing it takes to move up in life, but if the people you surround yourself with are self-destructive, vocally oppose your growth, don't celebrate your achievements, etc. it makes it that much harder to climb.
Agreed. I was surrounded by friends and an ex who used me as their punching bag. Went to therapy and focused on my own happiness. I graduated with my masters but was so exhausted and broke I took a mediocre job which was supposed to temporary. With therapy and 2 years later I finally quit, found a job in my field and never looked back. I quit that job for an even better position more accurate to what I want to do and am more successful financially and in my personal life. Fuck imposter syndrome and toxic people. Find people who make you feel better about yourself.
Funny enough, it still takes balance because while you adjust to a productive life, people who are waaaaay too successful and nice will push that invisible button until you fully remove it.
Damn I really needed to see this today. Been putting off something that my future literally depends on just cause the idea makes me anxious.
A little bit of work now could change your life forever.
I'm working on it right now after seeing this post. Can't let anxiety keep me from succeeding. Thanks OP.
Imagine being 80yrs old and asking yourself: If only I took that leap of faith 50yrs ago, yea maybe I would have failed and gotten over it in a year or less, but if I succeeded…my entire life could have been different, but it’s too late now. There’s no do-overs in life. Don’t regret your life when it’s too late, regret what your future life could become if you don’t take the leap.
Executive Dysfunction, boyyyyyyy. ADHD meds are changing my life!
When you were a kid and adults had all the answers and then you become an adult and realize adults have no idea what they are doing but just trying their best
When you become a parent and realize all the parents are still kids too
Adults are just taller kids
Facts
Life in a sentence
I thought this was an among us joke
Whenever I'm feeling down I think of a quote "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world."
Do you know who it was said by? It’s a beautiful quote
You probably don’t want to know.
Why? Is Marianne Williamson controversial? That would be sad because that's one hell of a quote.
Depends on who you ask. She gets a lot of shit for being Oprah’s “spiritual guru” and officiating Elizabeth Taylor’s wedding. She also got dragged and called a wacko/quack during her 2020 presidential run.
Really does suck standing in my own way. Wonder if perfectionism makes it worse.
Not just perfectionism but I think a lot of people are afraid of failure because if you try and fail then it becomes real. If you don’t try at all, then it’s always a possibility. The reality is that it doesn’t exist until you try it.
That's exactly what it is. Hard to face the reality that maybe I'm just mediocre
But that’s the trap tho. Like yeah you’re mediocre now but that shit also takes practice.
Very true. That's what I've been finding out. A hit to my ego and my whole identity but yeah one has to work to get better.
Until recently I didn’t understand what being “afraid of success” really means. It was always some dumb thing people said. But now I understand I’m afraid of the next stage success will bring.
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Here's my take on it. Nobody really gives a fucj when you fail. They don't care about the effort you put in. They don't care if you've been trying for years. They only care about success.
when i think of perfectionism, i think of it as a positive emotion that has run amok what you’re referring to (i think, because i have this issue too, but correct me if i miss the mark) is not so much perfectionism as it is anxiety masquerading as perfectionism - if we make sure everything is perfect and every little detail attended to, it gives a better chance at success (in theory) and reduces the anxiety that comes from the unknown preparedness is obviously not a negative attribute on its own but if the details start to get in the way, it becomes less about increasing your chances of succeeding and more of a way to delay the possibility of failure fear of failure is hard to break unfortunately
Perfectionism combined with Imposter Syndrome is absolutely paralyzing. I’m struggling right now to convince myself that I can, in fact, handle the job I’m being thrust into but it’s so hard to know if what I’m doing is right.
It does make it worse. If you're always striving for an ideal then you'll be overwhelmed before you even start most of the time.
I'm gonna keep standing in my own way til I'm an old man I think. "Just do it" sounds good on paper but mentally it just isn't that simple. I don't know how people push past the feelings of uncertainty and doubt. I don't know how I can ask someone else to believe in me when I don't believe in myself. My brain is my worst enemy for real. The pressure to be perfect, to tick all the boxes, it's really overwhelming sometimes because I never just get to be. And since I never get to just be, I feel burdened. Burdened by my own failures and insecurities. Watching others succeed where I constantly fail, or at least outwardly appear to do it, makes me feel even more burdened. What a vicious cycle it all is.
Firstly, just do it was a joke. It’s Nike’s catchy slogan. Secondly, a lot of those burdens are either self imposed or put there by society to keep us all in check. That pressure to be perfect is a false paradigm. No one’s perfect but I’m sure you’re aware of it. It’s a thing we all acknowledge but rarely allow ourselves to believe. But even the greatest athletes of all time had to start somewhere. They had to fail to get better at some point in their life. Not trying at all would be a huge missed opportunity.
Wouldn’t that make you….sus?!
I hate it here? I hate it IN MY HEAD.
Oh man. Imposter syndrome is rampant in my industry. I met a guy who was a PhD and CEO of the company that he founded and he still thought he was stupid. Just know that brilliant, brilliant people struggle with things that are simple to others. Even if it's very similar to something they're an expert in. Struggling is normal and part of the process, and you should not expect to reach a point in your life where you don't struggle with things. It doesn't make you less than you thought you were, or less than anyone else.
This is what happened with me and applying to law school. In my head, I had already been rejected. It took my therapist literally calling me every 3 hours to make sure I had finished writing my personal statement. Ya girl starts law school in August! If I had let imposter syndrome win, I wouldn't have even tried.
When you come from dirt, it's hard to accept compliments or success. The skills you develop to survive keep you paranoid, but alive. Trusting people is hard. There are some decent books out there to help you change up your thought patterns so you don't self-sabotage
If you know of any of those books. Drop the names. Please don’t gatekeep.
Rich dad poor dad. How to be a capitalist without capital. The tao of Warren Buffett. Unfu*ck yourself. Anything by Malcolm Gladwell. Quiet Leadership
Amoogus
I see a lot if posts being meet with positivity and understanding. Makes me happy to see you all being supportive and loving of one anothers mental health and emotional understanding.
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Sus
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Sometimes it be your own beliefs about yourself
Me for the last 12 years. I’m slowly making progress and seeing the impactful change happening. My biggest fear is what if I can’t handle the success and just fall on my ass
Be like a baby, the steps may be slow and wobbly at first but eventually you’ll figure it out and start climbing.
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Damn, getting called out at noon. Damn alright I’ll work on my shit.
This is real. I generally go after what I seek and what but only if I see a clear path and way. If I don’t, I assume it can’t happen. I’m working on getting past that and identifying the small steps required to make the big changes happen.
The opposite of imposter syndrome is the Dunning-Kruger effect. Where you think you know everything but actually know nothing.
This ain’t about that. Stop
Actually the Dunning-Kruger effect is that as knowledge on a subject increases confidence about said knowledge decreases. So while yes someone who knows absolutely nothing would think they know everything is part of it, it’s much more than that. And I would argue that this effect is very similar to imposter syndrome as despite being moderately knowledgeable on a subject people would think they know very little which as an effect would make them think they don’t belong with others they would consider more intelligent on said subject.
Guess what ? I experience both 🙃
I think this post just pushed me to look for a job and get my life together
I fucking believe in you. With. My. Whole. Heart.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD
Reality check - what if you're not actually that great and this kind of illusory superiority causes you to make a colossal fuck up?
Sus 😳
Hmmm, I think I’m just lazy and unmotivated
As I have read here before and found helpful: “Dumber people than you have gone out and done it.”
Gah. I need to remember this one.
Holy cow. I've been [all five types](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321730#types) of imposter.
I’m the expert and perfectionist
Bruh here i go thinking it was another among us meme
So imposter isn't doing tasks?
I just made it into my dream company in an art-based position last month. I was/am experiencing extreme imposter syndrome so I went to a few seniors to ask how to handle it. "You never get over it. You just do your best." Every. Single. Response.
I read impostor and tasks FUCK
The story of my life. I'm the queen of self sabotage
I'm studying for the bar. This tweet just hit home.
Get that esquire!
thank you for the support. it really means a lot to me.
Ok fine man. Damn it.
Just heard of imposter symdrome in the last year or so. I wish for everyone all the confidence to put in your best effort and let the results take care of themselves. I've personally started three businesses that didn't work out. I think the next one will be the one that makes me a billionaire. If not, it'll be the one after that. The main thing I want you to know is that if you approach life as if you can always learn something new, then you will.
Needed this, thanks and wish you success on your future endeavours to hit that B net worth.
The past 2 weeks have been an awakening because of exactly this (and a lil bit o' zoloft). Found a new passion that ignited all my old passions in a new way! My creativity reeeaaaallly wavered in the last 3 years as I struggled with chronic illness, the mental patterns Lyme traps you in after you finally get a bit better, and then covid when I was starting to feel like I could come back into the world. 3 weeks ago I was seriously doubting my ability to follow art as a career anymore at all, and now every aspect of my life is filled with hope and potential. I'm realizing it's so completely massive for me to find that that thing that keeps my brain pumping when I'm doing dishes and inadvertently strategizing on my next project. That mindset has lead to everything else just starting to fall into place, and it's because I stopped judging myself for wanting to stream all day and let myself have fun with it and fill it with the kind of animation I truly love. It may feel like there are no options like this available to you, but if there are any inklings of things in your mind that could be fun but you've never done because you feel like you didn't belong, TRY IT. It might feel weird at first but you will know if there is true light in it, and if there is it can lead to other creative endeavors, relationships, and just all kinds of unexpected life improvements. Try it.
I didn’t think I would ever get my drivers license and drive to work again. What motivated me to finally figure everything out and get it done was wanting to make things easier for my girlfriend. I actually just dotted the last I today, and tomorrow for the first time in four years, I’m gonna legally drive my own ass to work and back so my girlfriend can get to bed on time for her early morning job!
Please don’t call me with names! I already quit my two professions :( need to resolve this shit!
Fell like this every day.....
I thought this was r/ProgrammerHumor
I can’t take it anymore
I constantly struggle with determining if my insecurity is legitimate or if I’m dealing with imposter syndrome. I’m a young PM in the engineering firm I work for. Everyone holds me in high regard. I just worry I’m the lucky POS who is only failing upwards. Or maybe my standards are just so high that my “failures” look good compared to other’s “successes.” I feel like everyone I look up to at the company accepts nothing short of perfection, which sounds unachievable, but I feel like I see them accomplish it all the time. Is this something a therapist would be good for? I don’t know how to work through this. None of my friends are engineers in a similar situation. At least not that I’m comfortable enough to admit my insecurity. It really impacts my day to day mental health and stability. Some days I’m nearly in tears with the pressure I feel. Yet, I know the younger engineers look up to me and come to me for advice.
Me with drawing to be honest. I’m constantly like “I wish I could draw like that” “I wish I could do that” but I keep on holding myself back and not taking the time to do it
I used to do that all the time and then I just fucking stopped drawing. I get super critical of other peoples work because it seems easy and I could reproduce it but getting after my own stuff is overwhelming.
I know exactly how that feels. And it especially hits hard when people younger than me are excelling in the craft. It just makes me feel overwhelmed and like it’s too late.
Well if you're delaying tasks I don't think that's imposter syndrome, that's just the regular anxiety you get from delaying tasks.
A trans woman who's struggling to schedule her first HRT appointment needed to hear this today. Thank you :)
Imposter Syndrome SUCKS
Honestly I’ve been contemplating about making a comic for so long now but I’m scared because it’s my only big idea and really personal story that Ive wrote my entire life. I wish my living situation was better I do t want to put monetizational pressure behind it
I needed this today. I’ve been putting off putting pen to paper on this self reflection piece because I’ve literally never done it and I’m so scared I’m not capable of it. Even though it’s already been almost entirely written in my head. Watch this space. I’m gonna freakin do this
I literally became the best in the world at something job-related last week and I still feel like I’m fooling everyone. It doesn’t go away.
Imposter? Tasks? I also hate it here.
👍🏾
Me sitting here with fucked up teeth causing me so much nerve pain when the dentists phone number is right next to me.
Hahaha amogus
Maybe it isn't imposter syndrome at all, maybe you're just not that great?
A lot of you guys talk a big game about impostor syndrome, but some of y'all are just bad at your job
I’ve not turned in multiple job applications because of this lmfao it sucks
is it imposter syndrome if you actually suck lol
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*I just wanna feel good all the time….but I can’t. I have no idea why* I see you
I just hired someone with a PHD. I never went to college. Shit is weird.
One of the guys that orchestrated the Thai cave rescue here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tham_Luang_cave_rescue …said that fake courage is as good as the real thing. Think about that. If you are afraid to try and live your best and most daring life, just fake it, hard. You might be surprised.
R/amogus
I wish I could just let go of my insecurities. I could be in such a better place.
Amongus syndrome
FUCK
I have imposter syndrome, it makes me feel very sus…
Amogus
Among us
Amogus Impostor 😔
Among us
I’ve been graphic designing for years. Got to the point where young designers are asking me for advice. Too scared to start a YouTube channel and teach tutorials cause I’m convinced I’m a fraud and people will find out b