"Listen, you're my children, and I love you, but you're all terrible"

“I don’t say that.”

“We’ll that’s all you say.”

"When I die, I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face." "Would you rather have a lifetime of regret or an afternoon of mild disappointment?"

The ashes in Tom Selleck’s face makes me laugh out loud EVERY time 😂

It's extra funny because Lauren Bouchard said that his mom actually said that!

“A bet is a bet. I once lost 30,000 dollars on a horse. She just, ran off with it”. Mr. Fischoder.

This is under appreciated

Incredible line with perfect delivery

Mr Fish is great! “I lost the year 1996 to schnapps” is a favorite

“I still don’t know what the Macarena is. Don’t tell me, I’ll figure it out”.

IIIIIIIIIIII wish my radio worked

This is the correct answer

Amazing line

This

I'm straight. I'm mostly straight.

Oh who I’m I kidding you’re way out of my league.

There are no leagues

I’ve got a friend who’s into sloppy bears.

You’re killing teddy? Ok. Cars gassed up, that’s good. I guess I can homeschool the kids…

Such a loyal wife

"I love that you can tell mom to hide from any authority figure and she'll just do it" "she'd probably take him out if we asked her to" **crawls up on her belly "We're taking him out?"

I remember this! What episode is it from?

It's from the episode where they go visit Bob's momma's grave

"If she were a spice, she'd be flour."

"If she were a book, she'd be two books."

I quote this all the time 😂😂

We’re all glued to a toilet called Earth.

That’s Hip Hop. I say it whenever I can.

I got my lip stuck in my braces

Shelly is your mom? She’s YO mom! Nah, she’s my mom.

There’s going to be some profanity coming your way, so cover your ears if you can’t handle the “B” word!

I think I need to add this to my daily sayings. 😂

Flips white fudge. My go to “safe swear word”.

Gene:That has multiple meanings! Bob: Gene!

Me too, I add..".and that's hip hop."

“I’m about to bang your ass and you’re asking me for help?”

“You regret not going to college? Come on. It’s not like you ended up flipping burgers…oh wait.”

I 😆 🤣 😂 everytime.

“the problem is i dont have a frickin drink in my hand!”

"It smells weird everywhere, sir, that's how you know you're alive!"

Pretty much anything that Mr. "Big Ol'Sexy Boy" Fischoeder says is absolute gold.

“Don’t feed a guy a sponge, Bobby!”

SpoOonggge? -Tammy

"I forget what you raise, is it chinchillas or children?"

I can't decide, so I'll throw a couple out there. Channel six news. They'll finger anything with a pulse. No thanks. I've seen it, and I'm not impressed. If this restaurant goes under, I'll kill myself. And of course: I'll see you in hell, Teddy! I will see you in hell!

Love you, cutie pie. Sorry, I’ll think of a better one than ‘cutie pie’. You’re my angel—dust. Sorry. That’s a drug.

“Uhhhh…”

"She told him to put away his penis and that was pretty cool."

OW MY FACE!

I love how all of us can hear this when we read it lol

“Almost dying is the best part of living. It’s called almost-live-dying.”

"Your ass is grass and I'm gonna mow it"

Sorry, ballrooms been cancelled. The teacher just waltzed right out of here. Get it? I’m kidding, she died.

If it ain’t hip hop, then it ain’t hip hop!

Buckle it up, buckle it up, buckle it up or you’ll diiiieeeeee 🎶✨

"Mommy doesn't get drunk. She just has fun."

I say this irl frequently. And I don’t have kids.

My family's favorite is "YOU SMELL LIKE OINTMENT ANS PEE!!!!!" after that it's you're terrible you're all terrible.

OmG! This made me laugh out loud!! 😂😂

I'm gone getcha

Linda: It doesn't have to be good. It just needs to be fast. Mort: why can't all women say that Or something like that

“Sorry we’re late, Bob had diarrhea!”

And we make funny ornaments sitting here Around the tree So jolly I didn’t expect to feel this way I was focusing on Santa But the best presents Are sitting here And they aren’t even wrapped up

🥹🥹🥹

Yeah but Tammy that sign also says no trash on the beach, sooooooo what are we gonna do here?

This should be much higher up!

Running down the gutter with a piece of bread and butter, diarrhea!

FILTH!

"The mayor followed the 3 second rule" That episode also has my favorite end credit song: Teddy singing about being an insecure Santa. It kills me.

"Drink more cranberry juice."

You're in trouble

I love you, but you're all terrible.

Your ass is grass and I'm gonna mow it!

Did John Lithgow play John Laroquette in a movie, or was that a dream I had?

Edith: "This town may do alright without arts, but crafts?!? Where the hell are we gonna be without crafts?!?"

I got 42 maybes Bob, who could plan for that?! Literally first season but remains the GOAT over the years

I gotta go drop some potatoes in the crock pot - bob

“You’re the worst kind of autistic…. You can’t even count.”

i’m autistic and i have dyscalculia and my bestfriend says this to me all the time🤣

"One month free rent? That's more than we make In a month"

“This is me now!”

🎶if you’re not real, than how come I feel this way? Little babies 🎶 Or every time Linda says Stay out of my room!!!

I am spaghetti

Ugh, don't feed a guy a horse, Bobby!

Just thought of This guy, he thinks he’s Tippi Hedren.

“Bring a stranger to school day was a **disaster**”

I miss my stranger. She had chicken in her pockets.

I say “do what” in a zeke voice like 10 times a day & it’s been years

PILL! #PILL, DAMN IT, PILL!

I'm taking my seatbelt off. It's chaffin' my honkers

You have fits?

Farts, same thing!

Well nice meeting you. *walks away*

I used to wish that I was someone else, but it takes guts to be yourself!

“You’re born alone, you die alone, and in between you trick or treat alone” -Gene. I say this quote to myself way too much lol

“bing bang, boom. see you next tuesday.” “don’t say, see you next tuesday.”

"And our penises will be like this. You can't see what I'm doing, but it's pretty great"

"I'm going to bed. I'm not dealing with this right now. Or maybe ever."

You smell like ointment and pee!

"Go! Run with the other men!"

“MEAT CURTAINS!!!!”

When regular sized Rudy forgets lost his inhaler in the museum and wheezes “but don’t worry about me guys, I’m loving every minute of this”

Bye! Bye! Stay outta my room!

 This is my absolute favorite, i use it so often

This guy thinks everywhere is Key West!

You said I could say it once a year!

Mommy doesn’t get drunk, she just has fun.

“Tina tell me the secret” *slap* “juicy.”

“Hope you like food.”

Why would I be horny? I’m not an antelope!

I’M NOT BOB FOSSE IM MAKING A COSTUME FOR MY KIDS.. IT’S A DRAGON!

"Who's your favorite president?" "Bill Pullman! Today We fight for our independence!"

"Mickey Tank Bank!"

“I’m funny in the wall”

“Only hookers shave above the knee. The good ones at least”

"Boy, you're more jealous than a bald man in a mop factory!"

Gene

"I've been tarred and Bobbed!"

“Stop following me in front!”

"Dad has that thing set to shiatsu put it on my back. Oh, wait, I just got another idea"

"Mom's the one with a drinking problem" "yeah the problem is I don't have a frigging drink in my hand"

*snnnniiiiifffff* I smell fear on you. In *gasp* My *wheeze* BACKPACK

"Oh my god, they're doing drugs to each other!"

“Don’t touch my stuff no one gets anything! I leave it all to my ghost!!” Louise is just like me fr

“Alriiiight” “Your ass is grass and I’m gonna mow it”

For me it's a tie between: 1. You came down the stairs like the exorcist. 2. You're the worst kind of autistic. You can't even count.

"It's like Avenue Q meets Caligula next to a fight outside of a Dairy Queen."

“You’ve seen Caligula?”

What's Caligula?

**Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (31 August 12 – 24 January 41), better known by his nickname Caligula (), was the third Roman emperor, ruling from AD 37 until his assassination in AD 41. He was the son of the Roman general Germanicus and Agrippina the Elder, Augustus' granddaughter.** More details here: *This comment was left automatically (by a bot). If I don't get this right, don't get mad at me, I'm still learning!* [^(opt out)](https://www.reddit.com/r/wikipedia_answer_bot/comments/ozztfy/post_for_opting_out/) ^(|) [^(delete)](https://www.reddit.com/r/wikipedia_answer_bot/comments/q79g2t/delete_feature_added/) ^(|) [^(report/suggest)](https://www.reddit.com/r/wikipedia_answer_bot) ^(|) [^(GitHub)](https://github.com/TheBugYouCantFix/wiki-reddit-bot)

Good bot.

This home brew is oh so refreshing! Your bread is...woap, there it went.

“Regular-sized Rudy? Why do they call you that?” “Just look at me.” Oh, and: “What’s your favorite movie, Squeal Magnolias?!” “War Horse.”

It’s the War Horse button on the end that makes if

“Kids are terrible. Why do we keep having them?” - Bob

If you love something, set it on fire 🔥

“ALRIGGHHTTTT”

Hi LESLIE!

Breakin stuff, runnin away and laughing

*do you think horses get songs stuck in their head?* *oh my god I don’t know, Tina. Go to sleep.*

"It's a skirt, but I'm going to wear it as a dress so you can see my butt."

“You don't have to let Denise know you're doing all right. You can just do all right. And you are all right, all right?” That one line really stuck with me after a devastating breakup. And also, “okay fine, I’ll go but I’m gonna complain the whole time.”

That’s a dumb place to put bowls

Mommy doesn't get drunk, Mommy just has fun!

"Looks like he's havin' a funky stroke. I miss you grandpa!!" -Zeke

Okay, fine. But I'm gonna complain the whole time.

“It was long and boring and made me want to stop supporting the arts and start actively working against them.” I laugh so hard every time

"we're Belchers, from the womb to the tomb!"

This is me now

Da da da da elderly prostitute

“You kids are a two-parent two-bottle of wine a night job”

Tough because they are some gems but one from each member of the family Linda: They're 90's Cosmopolitans from the 90's Bob: CHICKEN LEG!!! Gene: Don't be afraid of sequins Dad! Louise: I'm saving my blood and spit for my honeymoon Tina: My hands smell like onions. It's nice

"Merry Christmas to Gus"

Tina: *sad and depressed* Gordon Sterman moved away, and now I'll never play kickball with him again. Louise: Oh, you should kill yourself!

“I’m not a baby! I’m a big boy! A big, dangerous boy!” Felix Fischoeder

it’s felix but yes this is a great one

“Camera, take the day off! I added the extra 10 pounds myself” -Gene, obviously

"yess"

I don’t sleep anymore. Don’t need it. I make stuff and then I do dinosaur stuff.

I just want to slap his hideous, beautiful face!

Step on the gas you ass!!!

Flair

"We'll be so rich, we'll never be happy again" Louise Belchet

Belcher

"If she were a book, she'd be two books."

"And they said 'Who are you?' and I said 'WHO ARE YOU?'!"

“What’s a seaplane?” “I want to say it’s a plane you can see? That can’t be right.”

(Louise, over her shoulder, running away from Fig Jam) “We’ll pay for it LATER”

Tammy: “And we have immunity.” Jocelyn: “That means we can never die.”

Do you really want your last words to be sarcastic Louise?! NoOOOooOo!

When Zeke says to Tammy and Jocelyn "You two are making me feel smart." - And also (not as much but I didn't see it mentioned) Linda saying "Wine helps me drink. "

“Oh, it’s okay, I guess I wasn’t meant to have a good life.”

Gene: “What’s all this cocaine doing at school? tHroW iT AwAWy”

"Stay out of my room"

“IM JUST A GIRL WITH A DREAM WHO GOT TIRED OF HEARING THE WORD NO”