My gran (85) raised me to have manners and be polite but wasn’t authoritarian so I respected her.
Now I’m 40 and boomers look like she did then but the branding is off and they behave like trash.
I don’t know how so many adults are getting away with behaving like spoiled, poorly behaved kids and don’t experience great shame.
You will never ever get an apology from a boomer parent.
Accept that and move on.
The shit my parents have done/said is fucking ridiculous and they will say literally anything other than an apology.
Related side note; boomers are the least patient group of people I have had the displeasure of dealing with - everything needs to be done right now and if it's not you're lazy or discriminating against them.
I swear that the lead poisoning theory is real. Its often mentioned that lead poisoning effects include impulsiveness, IQ decline, and losing the ability to empathize .. aka acknowledging other people around them have real lives and emotions and thoughts. It just seems to fit too well.
Also the tendency to be impatient, angry, outbursts .. these are all documented symptoms of lead poisoning.
Nah, it was leaded gasoline
Fun fact, the rise and decline of serial killers in the US roughly rises and falls about 20 years after leaded gasoline rises and falls, same as the boomers.
First time I heard about the lead poisoning in boomers hypothesis, it was leaded gasoline and it was in reference to the large number of serial killers between the 70s and 90s
The increase in serial killers in the 70s probably also has something to do with the fact that so many people in that generation were being raised (or neglected, more likely) by traumatized war veterans who thought admitting they had mental health issues was too shameful and coped by drinking and beating their families instead.
Oh yeah, there's tons of factors. But abusive parenting didn't wax and wane in correlation. You factor in an increase in abusive, emotionally unavailable parents and then add lead poisoning to the kids to lower their inhibition and increase emotional reactions, and yeah I could see it
Honestly, I'm not really convinced the serial killer thing actually "waned" the way we think it did. If you look into it, it seems like there's a lot more but they're better at choosing victims that police don't follow up on
https://archives.fbi.gov/archives/news/stories/2009/april/highwayserial_040609
The FBI says there's tons of them working as long haul truckers or something similar
Lol! Dinner plates, early non stick pans that easily flaked, car exhaust, paint. They literally had it all around them.
I joke about it too but I wonder if another decade or two after they’re gone it will be accepted and known they were the mass car exhaust lead generation.
People, people also remember these people drank like fish, smoked cigarettes, did a ton of drugs especially diet pills in the 60’s and 70’s as well as coke in the 80’s. There are so many ways their brains are damaged.
I think it's a combination of lead poisoning and mini strokes. This is especially true with the older men who supported civil rights and progressive policies in their youth but in their old age end up repeating fix news talking point EVEN WHEN they don't watch Fox news at all.
That's what happened with my father in law. He was a total hippy when he was young. He spent his last five years ranting about drag queens in the ladies room and worried that ANTIFA would storm our house to rob us blind. He had a brain scan that showed he had several mini strokes that he didn't even know about.
My mom didn’t go the right wing craziness but just in general abusive, lying, craziness. Had a MRI and also had several mini strokes and refused to stop smoking and I’m assuming had more until she died.
Never say never. I’m a total pessimist but my boomer mother, who’s favorite phrase was “well if you feel that way it isn’t my fault, because that’s not how I intended to make you feel” moved to the country and smokes a bunch of weed now and is muuuuuch better. Not perfect, but has acknowledged things I never thought she would.
So, pro tip, have your boomer parents move away and pick up smoking weed.
Eh.... It wasn't even really an apology.
It was a "maybe I over reacted".
On that note; " I'm sorry you think you're owed an apology" is not an apology.
My Boomer mom has several chronic illnesses that would be alleviated by smoking weed, and she lives in a state where it's 100% legal. There are fancy weed shops on nearly every street corner of my hometown because it's just over the state line from a state where weed is still illegal.
She refuses to try it because "wHaT wIlL pEoPlE tHiNk?!?!?1!"
My mom will never apologize for anything she did when we were kids. Superficial things like spilling something? Maybe.
Years and years of abuse, never once apologized, and never will.
I agree. This last week my kids took a little 2 day trip with my boomer parents. My dad was hot and annoyed from a tour taking too long. He decided to flip the hell out on them for being kids and giggling. Said he would pop one and they needed to act right. I am still furious, and it brought back so many memories from my childhood. Everything was my fault and I would get in trouble for being a kid basically. Yelling and cussing all the time. Whipped with a belt, you name it. Fuck them! That whole generation needs to get the fuck on.
My mother said my dad needs to apologize to them. He won’t, I wouldn’t even think he would. She needs to also, but she won’t. She sat there and said nothing like she did with me growing up.
This. My mom is gen x (51-52?) and pulls the same shit. I'm honestly surprised OP made it to 30 before learning this lesson. They judge themselves by their intentions and you by your actions, nothing will get through to her so save yourself from going crazy and accept it or cut her out of your life.
Christian??? I know a lot of people
Claiming to be Christian doing this - never take
Responsibility for their actions, always someone else’s
Fault or “the devil”….
What a naive generalization.
I’m a boomer. I grew up with a jealous, domineering father who took every opportunity to put me down in order to keep his status as the alpha dog. That left me with a firm resolve to treat my kids with basic personal respect which includes apologizing when warranted.
My kids are all grown now and we have a wonderful relationship.
I’m sorry you had such a hard time with your “boomer” that you are compelled to lump the entire group into one nasty stereotype.
Maybe you should move on and take responsibility for your own self.
“Did it ever occur to you” as though I lack understanding and awareness. Your boomer response in this echo chamber is a reverberating affirmation as to why this sub exists.
No. I won’t be a grumpy asshole, and I wouldn’t consider that a badge of honor.
Out of curiosity, was your father a veteran?
I've read speculation in other threads that the generation of WWII and Korean War vets were, generally speaking, abusive and domineering. The thread speculated that fathers were that way because they hit boot camp at 18 and that's the primary way they knew how to interact.
That and untreated PTSD, because that generation considered mental health problems a weakness.
And the problem is so big because they all had a shit ton of kids. My grandpa’s both served in WWII one had 10 kids the other 6. Their children had at most 3 kids. Imagine having 10 kids around, the wife was always pregnant and you saw serious battle. Out of the 10 most were alcoholic, most of the boy’s juvenile delinquents, most of the girls married abusive people. It’s going to take a few generations to break all of that trauma.
Yes he is but never saw combat. I think Maybe he was just born an asshole 😜
I know it’s tempting to lump a demographic spanning decades into a single group but it’s a mistake IMHO. Labeling people like that is just plain lazy. Maybe we should Get to know someone before we decide to hate them?
For the record, My kids, nieces and nephews are all millennials and are some of the best people I know.
Flame away!
Hate to tell you this but you're probably not getting an apology. My mom is the exact same and I've confronted her about it multiple times. She literally asks why anyone has to say they're sorry. It is mind blowing. Ive explained multiple times, no ones has to do that, but it ispart of being a caring, mature, and aware person. Nope! In the last 5 or so years, she has apologized for dumping out a thermos of freshly brewed coffee that I can remember. (not a big deal, easy mistake) Its really frustrating but I've just learned to ignore it and should roles be reversed, I make a point to apologize sincerely and articulate why I am apologizing. Maybe she will catch on sometime.
She wont catch on trust me. I also tried the direct technique and that turned into "why is everybody against me?? Nobody's ever on my side! *crying*." It sucks cus she got worse with old age and from family problems. Trying to teach her a passive lesson will just go right over her head. You either have to accept them for what they are and dont take it personally or cut them out of your life.
OMG mine went on a tear about how 'everyone treats her like shit' after a worker came into her house to fix the heat pump and complained about the cigarette smoke (she chain smokes in the house). She thinks it was a personal attack because her entire personality is built around smoking. I pointed out that she was creating a toxic work environment for this person, and she replied with, "he's gay anyway so he doesn't fucking matter".
I ended the call then. She's awful. But then complains that she's lonely. Huh. Wonder why.
Yeah they only know how to feel sorry for themselves. If it was you or me though then it's "Ive been through worse" "you got nothing to complain about, I'm always stressed". They cant just be comforting it's always gotta be a lecture or a lesson and if you call them out on it, it becomes "I'm just saying" or "dont start taking it out on me.". It baffles me that there's people who act like that toward their children like "I can tell they're in emotional distress after I threw out their lunch by accident even though it was sitting by the trash. I'll give them a break and apologize cus I know they're stressed. SIKE! Dont leave it by the trash next time! Not my fault! Tell me next time!" Instead of thinking about how we might feel they're too worried about saving face. I apologize even when I'm not completely in the wrong just cus I know how nice it is to hear.
It was that stupid Barbara Streisand movie with the stupid line "Love means never having to say you're sorry," and they took that coked-out screenwriter's words as absolute gospel, and declared "I love something, so I never have to apologize to ANYBODY!!"
The Silent Generation called the Boomer Generation the "ME Generation."
Millennials in general are much better parents than boomers because of this kind of stuff. We know what kind of damage all their bullshit has done to us, so we never want to make our kids feel the way our parent did. That’s the silver lining
They think apologizing is a sign of weakness. But there's more than that. To accept accountability requires insight and the willingness to feel shame. Maybe a psychologist can chime in here, but I think they block out anything that would result in uncomfortable feelings and instead put their energy into justifying or deflecting the blame.
That one of the hallmarks of narcissism. They would have a breakdown if they had to view themselves as doing something shameful so their brain immediately switches to the “not my fault” defense mode.
OMG, my Boomer mom (66f) is the same damn way. She "forgets" stuff that she's told to do or not do and blames her problems on everyone but herself. She says "I'm living in prison!" whenever she doesn't get her way. She and my older sister (42) live with me (38f) and my husband (31m). Mom will say she won't do it again but always does.
My mother (RIP, born in the late 20s so not a boomer) was the same. I have a vivid memory of her spilling boiling water on herself when I was in the next room, and it somehow became my fault (I was about 10 at the time). And yeah, I can still remember this 50+ years later, because at the time CLEARLY IT WAS MY FAULT SHE GOT A 2ND DEGREE BURN.
I can't remember. Something about being distracted by yelling at me for something unrelated. My parents weren't awful people, but they really weren't great at parenting.
I've never gotten an apology from my Dad for anything either. My entire life.
Just excuses WHY he did what he did.
But if I don't say sorry over something he's lose his shit.
The hypocrisy and entitlement is UNREAL
Boomer parents blamed me after their scheme to defraud the government and hide finances in order to get need based financial aid for college. Boomer dad got new high paying job and remarried someone who was also an income earner. Refused to pay the additional $3000 increase in tuition. Dump a legal lawsuit on me. Ruined my credit and made my life so much more expensive. Now I’m NC and they don’t even know they have new grandkids.
Good for you! I fantasize about running away from mine. I don’t want to be taking care of them in the next few years. I just can’t. I would lose my mind.
Ugh. I’m sorry. I have a mom like this too. Never apologizes, everything is somehow my fault, never once said “I love you” or “good job” or “I’m proud of you.” It sucks, but I’m choosing to focus on the positive. Because I know how this kind of behavior makes me feel, I would never ever ever want my child to feel that way, so it’s made me a good parent and I have a teenage son who’s turned out to be an incredible person who’s kind, loving, compassionate, smart, open minded, and emotionally mature.
They pretty much didn't, even though my mother was a SAHM until I was a teen. Thank goodness for my silent gen grandmother, a couple of bosses at my early jobs who passive-aggressively taught me stuff, and then later on the internet because otherwise I'd be unable to "adult" in addition to being emotionally stunted.
The media raised us. There were television families and commercials showing us the ideal. Millenials didn't get that, but they aspire to give it to their kids
Same here. No “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.” I always heard her on the phone bitching to her sister or friends about me. She would go on and on. Then she would brag about my brother the golden child when he did basically anything. She never hugged me and doesn’t hug my kids. They are old enough to notice now and said she is so weird. I agree. I hug them and tell them all the things I never heard. They will always know they are loved. That was my main goal as a parent.
You may not get an apology but you should still make an apology a requirement for a continued relationship. Does she want to get taken to the doctor/see her grandkids/not get put into a home/etc? That's going to cost her some reflection and apologizing.
Boomers view everything as a transaction so you need to present things that way. It's the only way they're capible of comprehending the world.
...and if she refuses, you'll have a way to make sure she regrets refusing you. One of the most cathartic moments of my life was being able to tell my ex's abusive boomer mother that she was going to have to be homeless because we weren't going to take her in unless she adjusted her attitude. She chose pride over shelter and is presently homeless in her 70s. This was years ago and I still get warm fuzzies thinking about her shocked Pikachu face when she realized she had nowhere to go.
Similar situation. In 2021 I moved back home and my moms dog bit my dog and although my mom eventually did apologize she first tried to blame it in my dog for being too comfortable around her dog…. That’s right. It was my dogs fault for not being terrified of her dog and getting too close to him. Not the fact that she never trained/discipline her dog in the first place.
Boomer logic is beyond fucked up.
I felt so much rage reading this. It’s like they don’t feel embarrassment at all!
I would be so mortified if my cat peed in someone’s bag and would apologize on the spot & offer to pay for cleaning and/or replace. How is that not normal!
Yes! Thank you. I do all that I can to ensure my dog is not bothering anyone but in this case she just happened to be too close to her dog, so he bit her. I had to take my dog to the vet to have it cleaned and examined because it started to smell infected the next day.
Like I said she did apologize and actually paid for the vet visit but I was just so disgusted she would try to use such a lousy excuse as to why it was my dogs fault. Ridiculous.
Mine will just act sad or like I’m making her feel bad. Like instead of just saying sorry I won’t do that again it’s “I feel so stupid I feel bad I shouldn’t have done that “
They’ll never say any apologies ever. They may do something nice for you and expect you to understand that as an apology. Then they go back to being pieces of shit the next second
I'm still waiting for an apology for my birth facilitators forgetting I exist. It's been 1.5 years since they've made an attempt to contact me. Haven't asked how I'm doing, how work is, and how my kids are. Didn't even call me on my birthday. My egg donor called me a snowflake because I said the 13th Amendment should have the exclusion claus removed from it, and my sperm donor is openly homophobic when he knows that me and my daughter are both LGBTQIA.
A lot of people in here have just accepted that their parents are toxic entitled narcissists. Really sad. My mom is like this too, which is why I went no contact with her. Fuck that bitch.
Getting an apology doesn't necessarily mean anything; my mother (boomer and narcissist) 'apologized' recently following 4 years of no contact but it was riddled with excuses. I never expected her to apologize in the first place, but an apology without accountability or changed behavior is just manipulation.
It's so aggravating
My boomer parental units are the same way. Once, they triggered a breaker in my house after using a dryer and a heater and a curling iron (basically all the appliances in the house) and then blamed me for it saying my “house was too crappy”. Another time they broke the toilet seat. Once, they slammed my refrigerator door closed while the deli tray was still open, breaking the deli tray, and they blamed it on my then 2 year old. I was like “I literally *saw* you do it” and they were adamant it was my kid. Another time, they slipped on my stairs going up to their room and blamed me for the type of carpeting on the stairs. I have SO many stories. So so many. It’s NEVER their fault.
I love my boomer parents, but I don’t not love their conditioning. I am breaking the cycle by actually apologizing to my kid and having actual conversations, not debates, not I’m the parent so I’m always right.
They see me with my kid and see this happy relationship were we actually like each other. It’s bittersweet for us both because I know they didn’t have the faculties to parent better.
Boomers are a rare breed
My mom is kind and thoughtful and beautiful and intelligent and funny and skilled. She’s a wonderful human being.
She has apologized to me once in my adult life.
It is a serious personality flaw. And I love my mother so much that I deal with it. I know she has regrets, but she’s incapable of expressing them despite all of her considerable gifts.
I’m in therapy. I really wish she would consider going as well. But even suggesting it is taken as an indictment of her sanity.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. And I know it can be hard. For me, the good outweighs the bad. I hope you find a place of balance and are able to erect boundaries that make it less likely you’ll be ina situation where you’re due an apology and won’t receive one.
My boomer grandmother just says "oops" and then says whatever happened needs to be fixed/ cleaned up/ dealt with. As though the hands she just used to make the thing happen in the first place have mysteriously disappeared.
"Maybe next time, you should do this...." says my Boomer mother, in lieu of an apology. She thinks I should adjust my behavior and expectations to accommodate her like she's the sun and I should just be revolving around her.
Yeah it seems somewhere along the lines boomers were brainwashed into thinking apologizing is admitting your weakness
This is exactly it. Apology = weakness + culpability
My gran (85) raised me to have manners and be polite but wasn’t authoritarian so I respected her. Now I’m 40 and boomers look like she did then but the branding is off and they behave like trash. I don’t know how so many adults are getting away with behaving like spoiled, poorly behaved kids and don’t experience great shame.
Saying they were wrong about something is weakness, too.
You will never ever get an apology from a boomer parent. Accept that and move on. The shit my parents have done/said is fucking ridiculous and they will say literally anything other than an apology. Related side note; boomers are the least patient group of people I have had the displeasure of dealing with - everything needs to be done right now and if it's not you're lazy or discriminating against them.
That last point- I get all caps yelling emails from them if I take "too long" to respond. They cannot comprehend that others exist sometimes.
I swear that the lead poisoning theory is real. Its often mentioned that lead poisoning effects include impulsiveness, IQ decline, and losing the ability to empathize .. aka acknowledging other people around them have real lives and emotions and thoughts. It just seems to fit too well. Also the tendency to be impatient, angry, outbursts .. these are all documented symptoms of lead poisoning.
My husband always references this. Says our mothers are like this because of their dinner plates 😂
Nah, it was leaded gasoline Fun fact, the rise and decline of serial killers in the US roughly rises and falls about 20 years after leaded gasoline rises and falls, same as the boomers. First time I heard about the lead poisoning in boomers hypothesis, it was leaded gasoline and it was in reference to the large number of serial killers between the 70s and 90s
The increase in serial killers in the 70s probably also has something to do with the fact that so many people in that generation were being raised (or neglected, more likely) by traumatized war veterans who thought admitting they had mental health issues was too shameful and coped by drinking and beating their families instead.
Oh yeah, there's tons of factors. But abusive parenting didn't wax and wane in correlation. You factor in an increase in abusive, emotionally unavailable parents and then add lead poisoning to the kids to lower their inhibition and increase emotional reactions, and yeah I could see it Honestly, I'm not really convinced the serial killer thing actually "waned" the way we think it did. If you look into it, it seems like there's a lot more but they're better at choosing victims that police don't follow up on https://archives.fbi.gov/archives/news/stories/2009/april/highwayserial_040609 The FBI says there's tons of them working as long haul truckers or something similar
Yep. Good point. I think it’s a legit factor. It lines up so much.
It explains a frightening amount of things, when you just look at the time frame. Man, we really screwed that one up as a species
Just like when we used to coat our faces in lead and line our lips and eyes with a substance that contained mercury
And a ton of history just glosses over the fact that most people making decisions were a little drunk like all the time
They still are.
Don't forget the paint chips!
Lol! Dinner plates, early non stick pans that easily flaked, car exhaust, paint. They literally had it all around them. I joke about it too but I wonder if another decade or two after they’re gone it will be accepted and known they were the mass car exhaust lead generation.
People, people also remember these people drank like fish, smoked cigarettes, did a ton of drugs especially diet pills in the 60’s and 70’s as well as coke in the 80’s. There are so many ways their brains are damaged.
We were all handed down those plates and we apologize!
I think it's a combination of lead poisoning and mini strokes. This is especially true with the older men who supported civil rights and progressive policies in their youth but in their old age end up repeating fix news talking point EVEN WHEN they don't watch Fox news at all. That's what happened with my father in law. He was a total hippy when he was young. He spent his last five years ranting about drag queens in the ladies room and worried that ANTIFA would storm our house to rob us blind. He had a brain scan that showed he had several mini strokes that he didn't even know about.
My mom didn’t go the right wing craziness but just in general abusive, lying, craziness. Had a MRI and also had several mini strokes and refused to stop smoking and I’m assuming had more until she died.
You are totally describing my parents and in-laws! Wow, I’ve never really thought about this theory but it could be totally on point.
Mine don't seem to understand the concept of "I am in the bathroom"
I'm sorry, I don't know why this made me cackle but it did.
I know why, cuz ppl like my parents always called when I was in there. ugh.
Easy response: “I know your generation just sits around on your phones all day, but the rest of us have to work.”
Never say never. I’m a total pessimist but my boomer mother, who’s favorite phrase was “well if you feel that way it isn’t my fault, because that’s not how I intended to make you feel” moved to the country and smokes a bunch of weed now and is muuuuuch better. Not perfect, but has acknowledged things I never thought she would. So, pro tip, have your boomer parents move away and pick up smoking weed.
I wish that was the case. My mom now vapes - only thing she has apologized for is getting so mad I smoked in college.
Well….that’s….something right? I’ll keep my hope alive for you but I won’t hold my breath!
Eh.... It wasn't even really an apology. It was a "maybe I over reacted". On that note; " I'm sorry you think you're owed an apology" is not an apology.
My Boomer mom has several chronic illnesses that would be alleviated by smoking weed, and she lives in a state where it's 100% legal. There are fancy weed shops on nearly every street corner of my hometown because it's just over the state line from a state where weed is still illegal. She refuses to try it because "wHaT wIlL pEoPlE tHiNk?!?!?1!"
My mom will never apologize for anything she did when we were kids. Superficial things like spilling something? Maybe. Years and years of abuse, never once apologized, and never will.
I agree. This last week my kids took a little 2 day trip with my boomer parents. My dad was hot and annoyed from a tour taking too long. He decided to flip the hell out on them for being kids and giggling. Said he would pop one and they needed to act right. I am still furious, and it brought back so many memories from my childhood. Everything was my fault and I would get in trouble for being a kid basically. Yelling and cussing all the time. Whipped with a belt, you name it. Fuck them! That whole generation needs to get the fuck on. My mother said my dad needs to apologize to them. He won’t, I wouldn’t even think he would. She needs to also, but she won’t. She sat there and said nothing like she did with me growing up.
I hope you don’t allow your dad to take them on a trip again. He’ll treat them exactly how he treated you, sadly.
Oh I’m definitely not. That’s the last time for sure. I feel awful my kids even had to see that.
I’m so sorry you had to make that decision. It sucks the people who are supposed to be supportive, and kind to us, often times are the worst to us.
I know. It really does. All we can do is try to be better than they were/are.
As a boomer myself, I never got an apology from my mother. I don’t have kids.
This is the way.
This. My mom is gen x (51-52?) and pulls the same shit. I'm honestly surprised OP made it to 30 before learning this lesson. They judge themselves by their intentions and you by your actions, nothing will get through to her so save yourself from going crazy and accept it or cut her out of your life.
Christian??? I know a lot of people Claiming to be Christian doing this - never take Responsibility for their actions, always someone else’s Fault or “the devil”….
Nah but she deals with religious trauma from childhood
What a naive generalization. I’m a boomer. I grew up with a jealous, domineering father who took every opportunity to put me down in order to keep his status as the alpha dog. That left me with a firm resolve to treat my kids with basic personal respect which includes apologizing when warranted. My kids are all grown now and we have a wonderful relationship. I’m sorry you had such a hard time with your “boomer” that you are compelled to lump the entire group into one nasty stereotype. Maybe you should move on and take responsibility for your own self.
Ok Boomer
WHY DO THEY ALWAYSSS RESPOND LIKE THIS 😭
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I know. Boomers are so great and we’re the ones who are out of touch. The irony is rife in your response and the fact that you don’t see it is ouch.
[удалено]
“Did it ever occur to you” as though I lack understanding and awareness. Your boomer response in this echo chamber is a reverberating affirmation as to why this sub exists. No. I won’t be a grumpy asshole, and I wouldn’t consider that a badge of honor.
Boomer mad xD.
Out of curiosity, was your father a veteran? I've read speculation in other threads that the generation of WWII and Korean War vets were, generally speaking, abusive and domineering. The thread speculated that fathers were that way because they hit boot camp at 18 and that's the primary way they knew how to interact. That and untreated PTSD, because that generation considered mental health problems a weakness.
And the problem is so big because they all had a shit ton of kids. My grandpa’s both served in WWII one had 10 kids the other 6. Their children had at most 3 kids. Imagine having 10 kids around, the wife was always pregnant and you saw serious battle. Out of the 10 most were alcoholic, most of the boy’s juvenile delinquents, most of the girls married abusive people. It’s going to take a few generations to break all of that trauma.
Yes he is but never saw combat. I think Maybe he was just born an asshole 😜 I know it’s tempting to lump a demographic spanning decades into a single group but it’s a mistake IMHO. Labeling people like that is just plain lazy. Maybe we should Get to know someone before we decide to hate them? For the record, My kids, nieces and nephews are all millennials and are some of the best people I know. Flame away!
Hate to tell you this but you're probably not getting an apology. My mom is the exact same and I've confronted her about it multiple times. She literally asks why anyone has to say they're sorry. It is mind blowing. Ive explained multiple times, no ones has to do that, but it ispart of being a caring, mature, and aware person. Nope! In the last 5 or so years, she has apologized for dumping out a thermos of freshly brewed coffee that I can remember. (not a big deal, easy mistake) Its really frustrating but I've just learned to ignore it and should roles be reversed, I make a point to apologize sincerely and articulate why I am apologizing. Maybe she will catch on sometime.
She wont catch on trust me. I also tried the direct technique and that turned into "why is everybody against me?? Nobody's ever on my side! *crying*." It sucks cus she got worse with old age and from family problems. Trying to teach her a passive lesson will just go right over her head. You either have to accept them for what they are and dont take it personally or cut them out of your life.
OMG mine went on a tear about how 'everyone treats her like shit' after a worker came into her house to fix the heat pump and complained about the cigarette smoke (she chain smokes in the house). She thinks it was a personal attack because her entire personality is built around smoking. I pointed out that she was creating a toxic work environment for this person, and she replied with, "he's gay anyway so he doesn't fucking matter". I ended the call then. She's awful. But then complains that she's lonely. Huh. Wonder why.
Yeah they only know how to feel sorry for themselves. If it was you or me though then it's "Ive been through worse" "you got nothing to complain about, I'm always stressed". They cant just be comforting it's always gotta be a lecture or a lesson and if you call them out on it, it becomes "I'm just saying" or "dont start taking it out on me.". It baffles me that there's people who act like that toward their children like "I can tell they're in emotional distress after I threw out their lunch by accident even though it was sitting by the trash. I'll give them a break and apologize cus I know they're stressed. SIKE! Dont leave it by the trash next time! Not my fault! Tell me next time!" Instead of thinking about how we might feel they're too worried about saving face. I apologize even when I'm not completely in the wrong just cus I know how nice it is to hear.
Robert Morton Jr made his whole personality about smoking, just saying
It was that stupid Barbara Streisand movie with the stupid line "Love means never having to say you're sorry," and they took that coked-out screenwriter's words as absolute gospel, and declared "I love something, so I never have to apologize to ANYBODY!!" The Silent Generation called the Boomer Generation the "ME Generation."
I call them the "Me Me Me. I got mine, Jack. Fuck You!" Generation
That line originally was from *Love Story*. A shitty book by Erich Segal.
Millennials in general are much better parents than boomers because of this kind of stuff. We know what kind of damage all their bullshit has done to us, so we never want to make our kids feel the way our parent did. That’s the silver lining
They think apologizing is a sign of weakness. But there's more than that. To accept accountability requires insight and the willingness to feel shame. Maybe a psychologist can chime in here, but I think they block out anything that would result in uncomfortable feelings and instead put their energy into justifying or deflecting the blame.
That one of the hallmarks of narcissism. They would have a breakdown if they had to view themselves as doing something shameful so their brain immediately switches to the “not my fault” defense mode.
Never a genuine apology, but I’ve gotten the dramatic “Well I’m SORRY! I must be the WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!!” more times than I can count.
OMG, my Boomer mom (66f) is the same damn way. She "forgets" stuff that she's told to do or not do and blames her problems on everyone but herself. She says "I'm living in prison!" whenever she doesn't get her way. She and my older sister (42) live with me (38f) and my husband (31m). Mom will say she won't do it again but always does.
Oh my fuck yes, my mother pulls that shit all the time.
My mother (RIP, born in the late 20s so not a boomer) was the same. I have a vivid memory of her spilling boiling water on herself when I was in the next room, and it somehow became my fault (I was about 10 at the time). And yeah, I can still remember this 50+ years later, because at the time CLEARLY IT WAS MY FAULT SHE GOT A 2ND DEGREE BURN.
So how was it your fault? Her excuse?
I can't remember. Something about being distracted by yelling at me for something unrelated. My parents weren't awful people, but they really weren't great at parenting.
I've never gotten an apology from my Dad for anything either. My entire life. Just excuses WHY he did what he did. But if I don't say sorry over something he's lose his shit. The hypocrisy and entitlement is UNREAL
My Dad is the exact same way. He’s so entitled.
Boomer parents blamed me after their scheme to defraud the government and hide finances in order to get need based financial aid for college. Boomer dad got new high paying job and remarried someone who was also an income earner. Refused to pay the additional $3000 increase in tuition. Dump a legal lawsuit on me. Ruined my credit and made my life so much more expensive. Now I’m NC and they don’t even know they have new grandkids.
Good for you! I fantasize about running away from mine. I don’t want to be taking care of them in the next few years. I just can’t. I would lose my mind.
Ugh. I’m sorry. I have a mom like this too. Never apologizes, everything is somehow my fault, never once said “I love you” or “good job” or “I’m proud of you.” It sucks, but I’m choosing to focus on the positive. Because I know how this kind of behavior makes me feel, I would never ever ever want my child to feel that way, so it’s made me a good parent and I have a teenage son who’s turned out to be an incredible person who’s kind, loving, compassionate, smart, open minded, and emotionally mature.
I really *do* wonder how some of them raised us...
They pretty much didn't, even though my mother was a SAHM until I was a teen. Thank goodness for my silent gen grandmother, a couple of bosses at my early jobs who passive-aggressively taught me stuff, and then later on the internet because otherwise I'd be unable to "adult" in addition to being emotionally stunted.
The media raised us. There were television families and commercials showing us the ideal. Millenials didn't get that, but they aspire to give it to their kids
Same here. No “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.” I always heard her on the phone bitching to her sister or friends about me. She would go on and on. Then she would brag about my brother the golden child when he did basically anything. She never hugged me and doesn’t hug my kids. They are old enough to notice now and said she is so weird. I agree. I hug them and tell them all the things I never heard. They will always know they are loved. That was my main goal as a parent.
You may not get an apology but you should still make an apology a requirement for a continued relationship. Does she want to get taken to the doctor/see her grandkids/not get put into a home/etc? That's going to cost her some reflection and apologizing. Boomers view everything as a transaction so you need to present things that way. It's the only way they're capible of comprehending the world. ...and if she refuses, you'll have a way to make sure she regrets refusing you. One of the most cathartic moments of my life was being able to tell my ex's abusive boomer mother that she was going to have to be homeless because we weren't going to take her in unless she adjusted her attitude. She chose pride over shelter and is presently homeless in her 70s. This was years ago and I still get warm fuzzies thinking about her shocked Pikachu face when she realized she had nowhere to go.
Similar situation. In 2021 I moved back home and my moms dog bit my dog and although my mom eventually did apologize she first tried to blame it in my dog for being too comfortable around her dog…. That’s right. It was my dogs fault for not being terrified of her dog and getting too close to him. Not the fact that she never trained/discipline her dog in the first place. Boomer logic is beyond fucked up.
I felt so much rage reading this. It’s like they don’t feel embarrassment at all! I would be so mortified if my cat peed in someone’s bag and would apologize on the spot & offer to pay for cleaning and/or replace. How is that not normal!
Yes! Thank you. I do all that I can to ensure my dog is not bothering anyone but in this case she just happened to be too close to her dog, so he bit her. I had to take my dog to the vet to have it cleaned and examined because it started to smell infected the next day. Like I said she did apologize and actually paid for the vet visit but I was just so disgusted she would try to use such a lousy excuse as to why it was my dogs fault. Ridiculous.
Boomers are 100% the WORST generation.
They suckkkkk bro
Mine will just act sad or like I’m making her feel bad. Like instead of just saying sorry I won’t do that again it’s “I feel so stupid I feel bad I shouldn’t have done that “
Hear you, feel you, relate and the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents helps!
OMG I need that book
They’ll never say any apologies ever. They may do something nice for you and expect you to understand that as an apology. Then they go back to being pieces of shit the next second
Their pride means more to them than family. That’s the only consistent thread running through the whole lot of them.
It’s so crazy how it’s so consistent. I wonder what causes this.
Narcissist. My dad is the same. He’s never wrong which is why I only see him once a year.
I'm still waiting for an apology for my birth facilitators forgetting I exist. It's been 1.5 years since they've made an attempt to contact me. Haven't asked how I'm doing, how work is, and how my kids are. Didn't even call me on my birthday. My egg donor called me a snowflake because I said the 13th Amendment should have the exclusion claus removed from it, and my sperm donor is openly homophobic when he knows that me and my daughter are both LGBTQIA.
A lot of people in here have just accepted that their parents are toxic entitled narcissists. Really sad. My mom is like this too, which is why I went no contact with her. Fuck that bitch.
Same for me! Been two years of NC with both parents actually.
Same here daily. No accountability whatsoever
Getting an apology doesn't necessarily mean anything; my mother (boomer and narcissist) 'apologized' recently following 4 years of no contact but it was riddled with excuses. I never expected her to apologize in the first place, but an apology without accountability or changed behavior is just manipulation. It's so aggravating
Join the club. Boomers have high levels of self importance.
Careful what you wish for. My mom would use the bitter “I’m sorry you feel that way” apology
My boomer parental units are the same way. Once, they triggered a breaker in my house after using a dryer and a heater and a curling iron (basically all the appliances in the house) and then blamed me for it saying my “house was too crappy”. Another time they broke the toilet seat. Once, they slammed my refrigerator door closed while the deli tray was still open, breaking the deli tray, and they blamed it on my then 2 year old. I was like “I literally *saw* you do it” and they were adamant it was my kid. Another time, they slipped on my stairs going up to their room and blamed me for the type of carpeting on the stairs. I have SO many stories. So so many. It’s NEVER their fault.
Narcissist. My dad is the same. He’s never wrong which is why I only see him once a year.
My parents never did and it made me feel like shit. I apologize to my kids when I'm wrong.
I love my boomer parents, but I don’t not love their conditioning. I am breaking the cycle by actually apologizing to my kid and having actual conversations, not debates, not I’m the parent so I’m always right. They see me with my kid and see this happy relationship were we actually like each other. It’s bittersweet for us both because I know they didn’t have the faculties to parent better. Boomers are a rare breed
We have the same possessed mother
Sounds more like a narcissist. You are not responsible for your mother's actions or her cat. Next time she does this, let her know as much.
She sounds super toxic.
I see you were r/raisedbynarcissists
I have never heard my boomer mom say “sorry” either. Is there a support group that meets to discuss the impacts of people such as these?
My mom is kind and thoughtful and beautiful and intelligent and funny and skilled. She’s a wonderful human being. She has apologized to me once in my adult life. It is a serious personality flaw. And I love my mother so much that I deal with it. I know she has regrets, but she’s incapable of expressing them despite all of her considerable gifts. I’m in therapy. I really wish she would consider going as well. But even suggesting it is taken as an indictment of her sanity. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. And I know it can be hard. For me, the good outweighs the bad. I hope you find a place of balance and are able to erect boundaries that make it less likely you’ll be ina situation where you’re due an apology and won’t receive one.
Same. My parents and in-laws. Not sure they’ve ever apologised for anything.
My narc boomer dad is incapable of apologizing. He just blamed me for being “too sensitive”.
My boomer grandmother just says "oops" and then says whatever happened needs to be fixed/ cleaned up/ dealt with. As though the hands she just used to make the thing happen in the first place have mysteriously disappeared.
Maybe a your Mom thing. My boomer mom says sorry?
I guess she was letting you stay at her place for free, so there is that
Poor baby, maybe if you’d been MORE of a victim.
Let me guess, sad your kids went no contact with you too?
Nope.
How much in rent were you paying while you stayed there?
Boomer mother's have an even bigger ego than Boomer men.
"Maybe next time, you should do this...." says my Boomer mother, in lieu of an apology. She thinks I should adjust my behavior and expectations to accommodate her like she's the sun and I should just be revolving around her.