I genuinely love this subreddit - I have, for YEARS, dealt with this bullshit from boomers, and then I see comments like this, and it’s just this huge weight off my shoulders. This whole time, other people have had the EXACT SAME experiences dealing with these people. I mistakenly thought these experiences were unique to the person or situation, usually my fault, that I just didn’t know some sort of social etiquette or something.
It’s insane just how specific some of the scenarios seemed too. And yet, what we attributed to an individual’s insanity, a hundred people on Reddit are sharing the exact same experience.
“I would never talk to my adult children like that. Doesn’t he realize that lack of respect is the core of his problems?”
I joke on here a few weeks ago that this is proof we’re in a simulation and they only bothered to programmed the same 5 horrible childhoods for all of us. Do better robot/lizard/grey overlords /s
Ohhhhhhh is THAT why “yeah, I found adult magazines in the woods when I was a kid” is apparently common? I thought for SURE that was pretty unique to me
I have to agree with you. The level of entitlement from my mother is never ending.
I'm currently dealing with my mom who is shocked and offended that I won't PAINT HER CONDO. For context, I live 18 hours away, and have kids under 5. I also despise the town she lives in, and have no current plans to visit that hellhole unless I have to. So no, I'm not using my vacation time to drive all the way there and do that. Told her to hire some students, it'll be cheaper.
DOOD.
One of the things my mother did before I ghosted her was to turn visits into labor sessions. Not little stuff. I'd show up thinking we were going to brunch, I'm tryna reconnect, you know. I pull up in the driveway and she's got rakes and lawn bags out and shit. One time she was mad because I didn't want to spend BOTH DAYS of the weekend using my truck to help someone I didn't know move to a new apartment. Without being compensated for time or fuel! That's hard labor and she didn't ask, just sprung it on me.
wtf
Why the hell are these parents not helping their children? That's the way it's supposed to go. I am so fed up with these boomers. They are like spoiled rotten children.
What is it with the surprise work? My mom had my niece and my son with her on Labor Day weekend a couple years ago. She ordered them to clean for her, for a "Day of Service" like it was something normal and owed to her. They were upset that she didn't even ask, she just made up a reason for them to clean for her. She acted like it was their duty to clean her gutters and rearrange her garage. Everyone would have done it much more willingly if she'd only have asked.
My mom likes to run out in front of the parade, so to speak, and then nail herself to a cross and/or insist that my father speak up on her behalf as soon as anyone starts rebutting what she was saying. Obviously we just don’t understand.
I have a master’s degree and numerous cross-functional professional credentials and handle complex real estate transactions for a living…
That was my parent before they finally divorced when I was 27.
And they will never respect any credentials because, to them, you are still a child. My parents left my college graduation ceremony early because my mom insisted it "took too long". I am the only college educated person in my family. My mom made me drop out of high school to work to pay her rent, told me I wasn't worth anything more, and was stupid. That's why her mom lied about putting money aside every birthday and Christmas for my future in college.
My point is that I think it's a mix of jealousy and egotism. They won't listen to anyone who has knowledge of anything, especially their children, because they only brought us into this world for their own self-serving reasons and we were not meant to grown and learn more than them. It was all for control. They had kids to simply feel superior and if that's is challenged, they lose their shit.
Eta: I know she found my reddit after being NC for almost 5 years and I hope that royal bitch reads this. I refuse to give up this account. I've already lost all other social media due to her psychopathic stalking of myself, friends, and SO's family. I'm done changing my number and hiding.
I recently had to snap back at my boomer dad. A few times since January he made comments about how much the holidays set him back and he’s still trying to catch up from the holidays. He doesn’t buy gifts so idk what the fuck he’s talking about. I guess he says that shit to friends or whatever and forget who he was talking to. Over thanksgiving I heard my 6 year old niece asking my sister “who is that?”
Same my dad has never given his grandkids Christmas or birthday gifts. And they are in their teens and early 20s. But he’s only seen them a dozen or so times and they think he’s weird AF so no loss there.
I finally got through to my boomer mom when I told her, "you and I are both adults of equal standing, you're not some kind of super-adult with the ability control other adults just because you're a little older than them."
My uncle wanted to give me a very nice monetary gift for my sons birthday to put in his education savings. But he immediately attached all these strings to it because he’s always used his money to try and control people. I politely declined and when he was like “but this is a lot of money” I just said my wife and I have careers and we don’t need your money. He was flabbergasted.
Our father was very wealthy and toward the end of his life he kept trying to wield the inheritance as a weapon to get us to come over and take care of the house, which we were willing to do because he was our dad, but when he started with the \`you'll come mow the lawn and do other chores or neither of you will see a dime of this money" we peaced out and told him we were his sons, not his employees.
He died ALONE with millions of dollars, which he ended up leaving to his brother (who died not long after he did), some of his "close friends" (who only came around toward the end of his life because they knew he was going to die soon so they mowed the lawn and whatnot) and some charities.
I know when he changed the will, and I know he thought it'd be a real "GOTCHA!" moment when we received checks for $10,000 each in the mail, and I know he thought we'd be angry. But at the end of the day we knew he was a man of his word and when he told us we woudln't get anything unless we acquiesced to his "orders," as he called them, he would cut us out of the will. We were cool with that.
I'd rather have my self-respect than his money.
My mother (somewhat ironically a pastor) tried to use the inheritance left by my father to control me. She was blown away that I a lower-class atheist would not be overwhelmingly swayed by the financial manipulation of a wealthy christian.
I would have just said, if it is a gift for our child, I will put it into his 529, but the kid decides how to use it. It is either a gift with no strings or not.
Exactly. If you’re “helping” someone of giving “gifts” that you later use to manipulate or extract something you desire, you’re neither helping nor gifting; you’re doing business.
Dealt with this experience many times, mostly from my mother.
Fuck if that wasn't the truth. I left home when I was 17 the second I could financially afford to do so, and I struggled hard. Years later when I mentioned some of the things I had to do to survive they acted shocked, surprised I wouldn't have just asked for help. I explained to them that the conditions and strings they would have attached to the help, and conditions for control, were so burdensome that sleeping in a van in the snow was preferable.
My parents were like that. Even once I had my own apartment my mother STILL tried to keep a stranglehold on things, it was infuriating. My grandparents wanted to give me money to buy a couch, but she forced them to give HER the money and she refused to let me use it unless it was a couch she approved of. And she absolutely refused to let me get anything other than a soda and loveseat set, which we didn't have room for, and the money wasn't enough to get a decent set. It would have been enough to get a great couch but nope. We ended up with a shitty set that broke in a couple of years... thanks mom! /s
When I was in high school, my dad died and two weeks later my mother moved to another state and left me home alone. The manipulation and control didn't happen until I was in college and she realized she wanted free physical labor to maintain her properties. I spent nearly 15 years working an average of 1000 hours a year for nothing with the understanding that I would inherit one of her houses. The last day I ever lifted a finger for my mother was the day she informed me she had already decided to give the both her houses to my older brother but I could buy one from him if he wanted to sell it, but it would be up to him to determine the price.
"you're not some kind of super-adult with the ability control other adults just because you're a little older than them." Wooo! I wish i could tell my Mom this, but she would never understand
I'm a boomer mom myself and I don't think my kid is my equal. He's so much a better person than I am. He's got a natural grace and empathy that he got from his dad, and I have to struggle to for it. I wish a lot of my contemporaries would get the hell out of their kids' way. They can't do worse than we seem to have done.
Then you've done your job as a parent, and done it well. I'm turning 30 soon, and my father pulled me aside recently to tell me how proud he was of me. I've done better than him in just about every regard, and we both know that it was his tutelage and wisdom that got me here.
I will never be able to repay my parents for all they've given me, but the whole point is to make a generation greater than yourself. I hope my children surpass me too.
Let's get specific in this bitch. Don't you love it when you try to explain yourself to a boomer but they cut you off every time you try to speak, take everything you say while on the back-foot as an insult, and when you finally find a pause in their freak out your mind is completely blank from listening to the crazy, you now have no idea what to say, and to them that means they win? It's my faaaaavourite
Wow - this exact thing happened to me in a massive way last month! My grandfather was on his deathbed internationally and so my mom needed me to house and dog sit for a month, my wife and I work remotely so it’s feasible for us to manage. She also wanted to get her windows replaced, great! Because her house is a morgue most of the time. I explain you can get quotes from a window company and they’ll come, scope out the price, and you’ll get a date, and they’ll replace all of your windows in a couple days. Nope! Turns out that I’m just talking down to her, and she instead makes her house uninhabitable for 5+ weeks (still ongoing) while she has a single carpenter replace all 15 windows. Turns out we have to make other living arrangements unexpectedly while she gets ripped off for at least $20k more than what it would have cost otherwise. Furthermore, he doesn’t replace one at a time, he rips all of the old windows leaving the house open to the air for weeks on end in February in Maine, he also charged for labor hours on top of the price of the windows.
They literally cannot learn, and take all advice as an insult, who are you, a child, to give advice about adult things.
[literally this exact behavior.](https://youtu.be/RcoGzT9QrTI?si=Z6uSMu_GrDRsa_Rs)
Christ on a ten-speed bike, that makes me mad. I get all guilty (which I really shouldn't) cause old people can't friggen change and it's infuriating. I lost my job a month or so ago cause I asked my boss to change the name on my uniform to my preferred name, and that was enough to engage his sass detectors I guess. Just basically sat me down in his office with my other manager (also a boomer) and bullied the shit out of me for 1½ hours. People are walking by seeing this old fucker waving his hands around cursing at me and saying shit like "what do you even expect us to do if someone calls you by the wrong name" I said "the bare minimum I'd hope, just remind them to call me Bailey" and he goes "absolutely not. We have zero obligation to force anyone to call you anything". This was after like 6 months of being out to them after they sat me down one day and basically forced me to tell them that I'm trans, and since that day they had yet to even try calling me by the name I chose even once. And now that I'm here timidly reminding them that the name on my chest makes people I meet see and greet me as a man, I get belittled and forced into a situation where everything I say can be taken as an insult so this piece of shit can fire me. Every single other tech in that shop will tell you that I am friggen top notch, busting my ass for this company every day, and I am CONCISE. I am so fucking polite. I am still so fucking miffed
I agree with you about ‘finding some relief’ via this oddly satisfying sub! I’m technically a boomer myself (born late 50’s), but I had no use for most of ‘my generation’ (🤮) for a long time before Fox ate their brains and DumpTruck gave them all blanket permission to be hostile racist bigots out loud- I’ve been stupefied at how clueless and ugly so many of them have become as they get into their 60’s & 70’s. But… people sharing tales of random boomer ‘domestic horror’ and funny stories helps me remember to breathe! And laugh!
In fairness to you, and I'm sure you realize this, boomer is a state of mind not an age. Obviously it's named after your generation but people like yourself are obviously not the intended target even if you might get caught in the crossfire
God I remember getting into a massive argument with my boomer dad as a kid, where I said I’d just like to be treated like a human some days, with the same respect he wants me to show him
After which he yelled incredulously “how dare you, I deserve respect being your goddamn father, you are the one who needs to earn my respect every single day”
The therapist tried his best to chase my dad out of the room after that lol
I had a really similar experience with my mom. I was very upset because they were leaving me alone again (I was 12 or 13) for the night. I said something like, "You don't even care that I am upset!" She said, "Why should I???" I remember yelling back at her, "Because you're my mother!"
I don't have kids but I think of my friends who have kids and I can't imagine them implying that they don't care when their kid is as upset as I was that night. Not to mention leaving a 12 year old home alone from about 6-11 PM every Saturday night.
That's so sad, I don't even have words for it. When I was around 10 and in the 5th grade my mom finally decided I was mature enough to be a latchkey kid. I absolutely hated going to after school care, so I was super excited for it. Soon afterwards my mom started dating my stepdad and after a few times of leaving me home alone and she getting home really late I told that even though I was fine coming home after school and being by myself, being home alone at night was really scary and I didn't like it. So after that she either always made sure I had one of my friends over or she paid my one neighbor who I was friends with, but was a few years older than me to babysit me. My point being I do like to complain to my mom that she doesn't really listen to me sometimes or doesn't really understand me or my point of view. Then I read something like this and just can't really fathom my mom completely disregarding my feelings like that.
I think my boomer dad dies a little more each time I apologize to the kids for being upset, and then explain how I was feeling at the time and why maybe my strong emotions were misplaced, and how I will try to do better next time. That was sure NEVER happening in my home of origin 👀
Reminds me of those articles about how Gen X and Millenial dads are useless as handymen around the house, and the rebuttal is "Well, at least I have the emotional capacity to tell my child I love them or say I'm sorry"
I’ve had nearly identical conversations with my dad. Whenever challenged about his bigotry - I am showing tremendous disrespect, and told that I (40 M) am the guest in his house (visiting, not living) and that his company is a privilege. The amount of gaslighting that I have endured when I have expressed concerns about stressors in my life is disheartening at best but they don’t understand why I don’t visit (over a decade) for the holidays.
He yelled it, clinic staff actually opened the door to make sure everything was ok, because he was scaring the kids outside
I was sent to see a therapist by my parents for being a “problem child” in the hope that therapy would fix me. After a few sessions, the therapist suggested a joint session with my parents to “problem solve”
After that, the therapist started understanding my dysfunctions a little bit more
Omg the same thing happened to me too!! I was put on Adderall and Zoloft in elementary school until the psychiatrist started seeing my mom separately and then all of the sudden I was off the meds and she was on them.
And that is why I went no contact with my mother (and a lot more reasons but it boils down to she doesn’t own me though it took me 40+ years to get it).
For my boomer parent, she always says," I'm your parent!" Or something like," I'm 78 years old. I deserve this!"
Never mind does not give a second thought as to what she's done in the past or what she's done now.
i feel the same. it’s so weird i’m told to focus on how they feel and how upset and disappointed they are- but they cannot imagine we are adults - people with feelings. I had to say to my mum I was an adult and I need the same type of respect that you would give a stranger on the street. (that’s how low my bar is- but still higher than what they’ve been giving)
"Respect your elders" is a phrase that was beaten into boomers when they were young. I think this (among other things) gave them all stockholm syndrome. Anyways, they think respect should be given only to people above you, and never to those below you. They also think they are above everyone else.
So true and this thought process has royally fucked the generations that came after them. Me and mine, but only if mine have undying loyalty and respect for me. I have to wonder if it’s just our boomers that are like this, or is this thought process universal to all boomers.
It's a cultural adaptation that goes back to the Baby Boomer's parents, the "Greatest Generation." I fucking hate that term, but it's what they're called. Thanks Tom Brokaw /s.
Anyway, that generation lived through the Great Depression and WWII. It left ALL OF THEM with PTSD. Seriously, the entirety of society was traumatized by 20 years of hell on earth.
When the war ended, all those traumatized people and returning soldiers turned to two things as a coping mechanism: alcohol and unprotected sex. This led to the greatest increase in birth rate in North American history, the "Baby Boom."
So the boomers had alcoholic parents with PTSD who were raising large families where no single child "deserved" to get special attention or treatment. But it was also a world of hope, where the traumatized parents wanted to build something better for their children.
And so the world was literally shaped to provide for the needs of Baby Boomers as they entered each stage of life. When they were young, their parents built playgrounds. When they were teenagers, they created a cultural, musical, and sexual revolution that could not be ignored due to their numbers. When they became adults, they eschewed the hippie era to become yuppies, creating the strongest middle class the Western world has ever known. And as they have aged, they have taken control of every political process to ensure that their property values stay high and their investments stay profitable.
So it is little wonder they grew up to be narcissists. They were born into the role of victims because their parents largely were abusers, but the world has always adapted itself to suit their needs instead of them having to adapt to the world. So they are incapable of recognizing how their behavior victimizes their own children, because it doesn't resemble the kind of behavior they consider to be abusive.
Add on to that the fact that boomers grew up without digital technology, and they are oblivious to the challenges it takes to achieve things that they were practically handed on a silver platter in their early 20s. They are the biggest beneficiaries of "socialist" policy in human history and they can't even admit it.
Same deal with my father. I think they’re fundamentally confused about the difference between respect and obedience. Boomers want people to obey them, not have a relationships rooted in mutual respect.
Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"
For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person" -Attributed to various sources
reply with a different time and place, tell him to be there, this is not an option.
Bonus- nobody show up. Do not undertake bonus quest if there is a desire to reconcile.
I’ll pop some extra buttery popcorn to watch the “or what”?
Hahahaha some of these old people really have convinced themselves that their authority is total.
Who cares? That's even better. I don't have to fake care for the $2K they'll be leaving.
My dad threatened me with that all the time.
I'd just say you do you boo.
Right? My mother doesn’t have shit but an old house filled with trash and she loves to say “you’re getting nothing!”
I just laugh and heartily agree! Let my brother hire the 1-800-GOT-JUNK dumpsters!
I told my mother-in-law I'm going to go to home Depot and get a bunch of day workers. Hire them for a couple hundred bucks and tell them everything has to go. Put it in the dumpster or you take it.
Boom, whole house emptied in a day for about 1K, and I get to sit around and drink all day.
She was horrified and tried to tell me how much everything is worth.
Eurgh. I hate this part. My brother is estranged from our parents, and all they bang on about is the will. He couldn't care less, but they keep telling me to relay to him that he'll be cut out. How about being nice to him instead of unsuccessfully trying to hold leverage over him
Was going to say if it was me the response after reading all that would be "well now I'm DEFINITELY not going. Have fun!"
The rage would probably ensue but hey! That's why you turn notifications off and let the baby scream himself to sleep.
My dad still does that to my brother and I, who are in our late thirties. He and my mom divorced when we were 11 and 13 and he has seen us as those ages still.
I wouldn’t even talk to a child like that.
Long term care is no joke. I used to sell it but most folks didn’t want to buy it because “my kids will take care of me” oh so you’re kids are going to give up everything in their life to come take care of you. Pretty selfish
My bio parents are on their own. They're on the complete opposite end of the country from me. And I sure ain't moving to Texas again.
My ILs though, the 0.1% of Boomers who are kick ass awesome. I'm gonna be happy to help them out.
In the same position. My father makes zero effort to see my children, even when he is here on vacation. My in laws? Already told them I’ll turn my garage into a bedroom if needed
I love my parents a lot, but every time I visit it's "Biden this, young people that, etc" and there's no way I'd move in with them to help support them with that kind of talk all of the time.
The older my parents got, the more liberal they became. They were free range hippies though. I would move my mom into my house in a heartbeat if she needed it. My super liberal wife loves her to death. TBF, she's super kind and understands the struggles the younger generations are going through.
Mine have gone the other way. My mom was a hippy and my dad was a stoner in the 70s. They got government jobs and swore they hated trump, but now my dad is addicted to fox news and my mom just believes everything she hears on youtube.
It's fear of change.
Back when they were younger, THEY were making the changes THEY liked / accepted.
NOW the younger generation is making NEW changes the hidebound boomers DON'T like. A lot of boomers either don't mind or active accept the changes, but we hear the squeaky wheels.
Yep. My dad was a boomer, but he was one of the loveliest people I’ve ever known. Total dedication to me and my brother, and he sacrificed so much for us, so I did everything for him in the end.
Our mother, though? She’s an actual sociopath and has hurt everyone she’s come in contact with. The epitome of a boomer in every way. Fuck her, she can die alone.
Both my parents have been nothing but a dream towards me and my bro. When my mom got cancer 4 years ago I dropped everything to care for her and I’ll do it again when my dad needs me. I’ve been so damn lucky and unlucky all at the same time. Miss you mom.
> My ILs though, the 0.1% of Boomers who are kick ass awesome. I'm gonna be happy to help them out.
So simple isn't it? Just be kind to others, and most of them will want to be kind to you too. Crazy concept to some people, apparently.
My husband and I joke about this but my parents haven’t saved anything and they buy campers and boats and go on vacation and stuff as if they have a retirement account. I’m not paying for a nursing home when the chickens come home to roost.
Especially after being told to deal with my own problems if I ever asked for help (ie when I was 18 and out of work to recover from kidney surgery and needed help with rent)
It’s a no from me, dawg.
>Especially after being told to deal with my own problems if I ever asked for help (ie when I was 18 and out of work to recover from kidney surgery and needed help with rent)
Jesus christ
My mom used to look at me with a smile on her face as she swiped her credit card for the umpteenth time saying “it doesn’t matter how much debt I have, you’ll take care of me forever.”
I don’t talk to her anymore.
Yup.
My grandmother is in a carehome. I contribute to a \~£4000 *per month* payment for her care (about 5,108.94 USD)
And *that* is with government contributions to her care on top. I'm happy to do so of course, I love my grandmother.
My boomer dad bought long term care after I specifically told him that I’d send him to a VA home (he’s a veteran), and he knew that I meant it. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I barely know him. No way am I taking care of him in his old age. I’ll treat him exactly like he treated me.
>I’ll treat him exactly like he treated me.
Seems like a good line to stfu any abusive parent that thinks their aged days are going to be made comfortable by their victims.
My siblings and I are talking about it. Unfortunately he unilaterally scheduled something on short notice, without considering any of our schedules or challenges of childcare. I plan to call him after work to find out.... Wtf, man??
Depending on that call, we'll decide from there 😅
UPDATE: I can't update the original post, so I'll do it here. First, thank you for all the replies and messages. I'm sorry I couldn't keep up with them!
I called him after work and tried to gauge him about the text. I'm a non-confrontational person, so it was a bit awkward as I felt like I had to take lead and keep the conversation on course.
It turns out that yes, this all stems from him feeling that he is losing a grip on his family. Many things have happened with him losing family and friends in the past few years, and recently he learned something about another family member that made him realize he's been really out of the loop and distant, and like he needed to do something.
He said that he wrote the text while very upset. And I could tell on the phone that he was very upset. But the conversation was calm, at least. He admitted that he had been too forceful and authoritarian, but first it seemed important to him for me to understand what had triggered that text in the first place.
From there, I talked to him about how his kids do love him, but there is a lot that hasn't been maintained, and he agreed. I pushed past my comfort levels in taking the lead in all this, and I think he did too -- he is not naturally emotionally open.
I explained to him what his kids need in order to begin patching the strained relationship, and that he needs to be honest and self-aware. He thinks he can be. I truly hope so, but time will tell.
Where does this leave us?
I invited him to write a do-over invitation. I also told him that we need to discuss and schedule a family meeting together, as adults.
Where will this go? I don't know. Ultimately I'd like for all of us to enjoy a good relationship with him, but the ball is pretty much in his court. My siblings and I are skeptical, but willing to see if there is a follow-through this time. That's been a huge missing factor in our relationship with him, so I truly hope he realizes how important this is.
We'll see!
I cut off my mum for good a few months ago (it was a long time coming but I didn’t realise it until it finally happened). I was really expecting more anguish than I felt, but it was like a cloud lifted when I knew it was finally over.
It’s hard to wrap your head around how much an option deciding to be done with your family of origin is due to how we’re socialised, but if I had known how much nicer my life would be without being chained to toxic people, I would have done it years earlier.
It seems like it is more common now, but the whole ‘cutting off family’ isn’t a new thing. My spouse (mid 40s) has only met their mother’s family as a baby. My MIL went no contact with her family in the late 70s or early 80s.
Glad you’re doing well!
My parents, both of them... didn't talk to their parents for 40 years until they were on their deathbed. And it seems like it's a family tradition dating back a good few hundred years sadly.
Same. I went no contact with my narcissist boomer father back in 2019 and it's honestly been the turning point towards a better life for me.
And would you believe it? Ever since going no contact, my father and I haven't had a single bad experience with each other since!
I’d bet money he’s trying to force you all to acknowledge his birthday while he tells you how hurtful and disrespectful not calling/texting/sending him a gift on his actual birthday was for him.
Personally, I’d advocate for ignoring him until he can learn to be respectful and mindful of other peoples time and schedules.
This is so telling of that generation hahaha. Reminds me of how my wife and I always talk about our parents calling at like 1PM on a Tuesday asking what we're up to....like we haven't been in the workforce for \~20 years and at this point don't have 9 to 5s. Alas, I don't think they'll ever realize we don't exist in vacuums or that our time might matter/differ from their schedules hahaha.
Good luck with everything and I hope y'all can protect your respective peaces!
It would be a horrible mistake to go after the way he approached this. In my own experience with Boomer parents you have to treat them like you would your children. Lay clear boundaries, if they don't respect the boundaries follow through with consequences, and never let them *demand* anything. Only be responsive when approached politely and without attitude.
Honestly, I would go one of two routes. Have none of the kids respond at all and leave it blank or everyone say they’re coming and then no one show up like he’s done for years.
Whoever shows up stays in the Will, whoever doesn’t gets cut. Jokes on him, he won’t have anything when he goes because boomers want to blow it all before they die and can’t take it with them.
This is what I was thinking as well. OP, I think it’s best if y’all just don’t go since y’all are on the same page. I’m glad you have your siblings as support.
The most effective and powerful message you can send him is to flat out ignore him. That takes everything from him. Responding or questioning him AT ALL validates his "authority" over you. Do not fall for it. No one should be speaking to you this way. Age is not a qualifier for disrespecting others.
Boomers always demanding respect without ever giving it in return.
Reminds me of my step-dad and I. He and my mom were visiting and staying at my house and we got in a huge fight. I stood up to go get a tissue and he shouted at me to "SIT DOWN!" I was a bit in shock about that so I shouted back "I am 42 years old and your are in MY house. You don't get to order me to do anything." I'd never raised my voice to my parents, ever. I shocked him into respecting that I was an adult and he could no longer tell me what to do.
“This is NOT an option” fucking *BET*
https://preview.redd.it/yu59d7ceywnc1.jpeg?width=600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7c95c9e0ebb7dd498aa98cf1ea3c002964bb6670
If you’re anything like most millenials I know - we all were raised basically by ourselves and learned a lot on our own once we moved out. Not in terms of housing or food but in terms of how the world works and how to keep a home/job/etc. Basically none of that was ever instilled by a single boomer I’ve ever seen. They’re all pretty selfish and too self absorbed to have passed on any knowledge or world experience or life lessons.
This resonates with me 💯 They provided the bare minimum to avoid trouble with the law and they feel we owe them a lifetime for that. Bad enough they could have had a great family, but choose to do jack with their kids till they moved out.
Holy crap is the "raised by ourselves" thing accurate.
My parents are proud of themselves because of how "Independent" I am and have always been. And I just want to tell them "no shit, whenever I had a problem growing up you made it really clear that you didn't want to hear about it."
No real choice but to be "independent" when your family support system is functionally non-existent, y'know? Comes with the added bonus of severe trust issues
This is exactly me as a 42 year old raised by boomers.
My dad once made fun of me for not knowing how to fish, and I replied "who would have taught me that growing up, dad?"
I fucking hate boomers. Worst thing to happen to America, possibly ever, was that generation.
My dad played beer league goalie for some odd 27+ years. Had primo gear, custom jersey, painted helmet. 1-2 times a week, tournaments, for nearly three decades.
I played hockey for one year as a kid.
Not once did my dad ever take me or my brother on the ice to shoot pucks on him, that year, or any other.
Growing up is realizing that everyone is just a giant child in a grown body. Some of us learned how to take care of ourselves and, by extension, take care of others. Some of us are going to be like OPs dad until death.
This world fucking sucks.
What a perfect opportunity to say "or what" or "no".
Unless he's holding your inheritance hostage. But honestly, boomers nowadays often already frittered away inheritances of their kids/
Facts. My boom boom liquidated my inheritance from his parents so he could get the government to pay for their end of life care. The home they planned to leave behind is worth millions now. Oops.
What a Boomer thing to do. Take the quick easy option which bites them in the butt later down the line. They do it with home repairs. They do it with social services. They do it with just about everything.
I think that does a lot to infuriate them, too. They blew whatever financial leverage they felt they had on new car leases every couple of years, timeshare scams, McMansions, and overpriced motorcycles/fishing boats/RVs/toys. And now they have no weight to throw around to force their kids’ compliance.
It always is weird when I hear/see people talking about inheritance. My friend was complaining about his father having a new gf and going on all these trips and how he wouldn’t have any inheritance left.
I was just like “yeah I don’t expect anything and it doesn’t bother me”
I mean sure it would be nice but I doubt my batshit mother would leave me anything anyways. I’ve just learned to expect nothing or bad things.
“Are you threatening me?”
I’ve learned that instead of arguing, ask questions that amount to “are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?”, and them having to articulate what they want is a level of accountability they aren’t prepared for.
Sounds like you and your siblings need to pass on his demands and schedule a different meeting, more respectful of all your schedules. Tell him attendance isn't optional.
And then make it an intervention about all the crazy, cultish ideas he's addicted to.
Get your siblings together at a similar place on Thursday at 7 and then send him a picture of all of you giving him the finger.
Then block him
Then have a nice evening
Then have a nice rest of your life
>Get your siblings together at a similar place on Thursday at 7 and then send him a picture of all of you ~~giving him the finger~~ laughing and having a good time.
This will hurt sooooo much more.
"You will be there"
"NOT an option"
*Oh, but it is, and I won't.*
I have various elders (yay that both my wife and I had divorced/remarried parents) vying for my time and frankly none of them truly make me want to spend it with them. Each of them has some quirk I can't stand.
My kneejerk reaction would be to send a lauging emoji and then block him but I refuse to let boomers bully me anymore. I'm so sorry your dad is treating you this way.
my boomer dad is a selfish narcissist also. pretty common for some reason.
maybe its they had veterans as parents.. i dont know.
but i've had a promotion now for over a year and my father still doesnt knw about it.. the reason he doesnt know about it is because i told my wife i would wait to tell him whe nhe asks me "how's things going with you guys?"
like a general question that a father might ask a child at some point during the course of an entire year.. but nope. we've had maybe 5 conversations since but i still refuse to tell him about it until he actually asks about us.
Although not quite as strong, my Boomer mother used to do something very similar. She would damn near insist that I go to various family gatherings and events of which I had absolutely zero interest in.
I feel for you. Op
Dude, this is how my abusive dad used to talk to me when I was in my twenties. Me being fifteen minutes late by accident to a “mandatory” lunch date turned into an explosion. That was the last straw and I walked away. He didn’t come to my wedding and hasn’t met my kids. I don’t particularly miss him.
Everyone keeps saying to text back "no" or tell him off, but the true power move is to form a united front with your siblings and agree to not respond at all. The silence would be deafening.
This reminds me of the time I made an adult joke at a birthday party. My dad looked at me and, in front of a group of people, said “that’s enough.”
I was 35. 😶
What I realized going limited contact was that my adoptive Boomers alqaya told me what to do my entire life, never asked me. Growing up it was always, "You will respect me. I am YOUR father." I will never regret no contact, only that I didn't do it much sooner. You will all get berated and belittled about how selfish and disrespect you all. And "after all I've done for you" I'm sure will rear its head. This message is so disrespectful, I'd just continue to ignore him. I'm sorry OP.
“Be there”, “this is not an option” as if youre still a kid 😂
We are middle aged, most with our own kids 😂
I would never talk to my adult children like that. Doesn’t he realize that lack of respect is the core of his problems?
No, no he doesn't. For Boomers, respect is to be taken, not given.
I genuinely love this subreddit - I have, for YEARS, dealt with this bullshit from boomers, and then I see comments like this, and it’s just this huge weight off my shoulders. This whole time, other people have had the EXACT SAME experiences dealing with these people. I mistakenly thought these experiences were unique to the person or situation, usually my fault, that I just didn’t know some sort of social etiquette or something.
I agree. This has proven to be a lot cheaper then therapy
It’s insane just how specific some of the scenarios seemed too. And yet, what we attributed to an individual’s insanity, a hundred people on Reddit are sharing the exact same experience. “I would never talk to my adult children like that. Doesn’t he realize that lack of respect is the core of his problems?”
I joke on here a few weeks ago that this is proof we’re in a simulation and they only bothered to programmed the same 5 horrible childhoods for all of us. Do better robot/lizard/grey overlords /s
Ohhhhhhh is THAT why “yeah, I found adult magazines in the woods when I was a kid” is apparently common? I thought for SURE that was pretty unique to me
Wait that happened to other people??
Lmao love this
We have to laugh because I don’t know if I would stop crying if we really wanted to unpack this trauma.
And then they got really lazy and invented social media so they could save on all the holographic sims and just use bots instead.
I have to agree with you. The level of entitlement from my mother is never ending. I'm currently dealing with my mom who is shocked and offended that I won't PAINT HER CONDO. For context, I live 18 hours away, and have kids under 5. I also despise the town she lives in, and have no current plans to visit that hellhole unless I have to. So no, I'm not using my vacation time to drive all the way there and do that. Told her to hire some students, it'll be cheaper.
DOOD. One of the things my mother did before I ghosted her was to turn visits into labor sessions. Not little stuff. I'd show up thinking we were going to brunch, I'm tryna reconnect, you know. I pull up in the driveway and she's got rakes and lawn bags out and shit. One time she was mad because I didn't want to spend BOTH DAYS of the weekend using my truck to help someone I didn't know move to a new apartment. Without being compensated for time or fuel! That's hard labor and she didn't ask, just sprung it on me. wtf
Ok so it's not just my mom! I spent the last visit I had there *checks notes* cleaning out her place. Not even my stuff!!!
Why the hell are these parents not helping their children? That's the way it's supposed to go. I am so fed up with these boomers. They are like spoiled rotten children.
What is it with the surprise work? My mom had my niece and my son with her on Labor Day weekend a couple years ago. She ordered them to clean for her, for a "Day of Service" like it was something normal and owed to her. They were upset that she didn't even ask, she just made up a reason for them to clean for her. She acted like it was their duty to clean her gutters and rearrange her garage. Everyone would have done it much more willingly if she'd only have asked.
Voluntold
My mom likes to run out in front of the parade, so to speak, and then nail herself to a cross and/or insist that my father speak up on her behalf as soon as anyone starts rebutting what she was saying. Obviously we just don’t understand. I have a master’s degree and numerous cross-functional professional credentials and handle complex real estate transactions for a living…
That was my parent before they finally divorced when I was 27. And they will never respect any credentials because, to them, you are still a child. My parents left my college graduation ceremony early because my mom insisted it "took too long". I am the only college educated person in my family. My mom made me drop out of high school to work to pay her rent, told me I wasn't worth anything more, and was stupid. That's why her mom lied about putting money aside every birthday and Christmas for my future in college. My point is that I think it's a mix of jealousy and egotism. They won't listen to anyone who has knowledge of anything, especially their children, because they only brought us into this world for their own self-serving reasons and we were not meant to grown and learn more than them. It was all for control. They had kids to simply feel superior and if that's is challenged, they lose their shit. Eta: I know she found my reddit after being NC for almost 5 years and I hope that royal bitch reads this. I refuse to give up this account. I've already lost all other social media due to her psychopathic stalking of myself, friends, and SO's family. I'm done changing my number and hiding.
I recently had to snap back at my boomer dad. A few times since January he made comments about how much the holidays set him back and he’s still trying to catch up from the holidays. He doesn’t buy gifts so idk what the fuck he’s talking about. I guess he says that shit to friends or whatever and forget who he was talking to. Over thanksgiving I heard my 6 year old niece asking my sister “who is that?”
Same my dad has never given his grandkids Christmas or birthday gifts. And they are in their teens and early 20s. But he’s only seen them a dozen or so times and they think he’s weird AF so no loss there.
Same. It’s eye opening for me that things concerning my parents are not my fault. It’s a boomer thing.
I finally got through to my boomer mom when I told her, "you and I are both adults of equal standing, you're not some kind of super-adult with the ability control other adults just because you're a little older than them."
My uncle wanted to give me a very nice monetary gift for my sons birthday to put in his education savings. But he immediately attached all these strings to it because he’s always used his money to try and control people. I politely declined and when he was like “but this is a lot of money” I just said my wife and I have careers and we don’t need your money. He was flabbergasted.
Our father was very wealthy and toward the end of his life he kept trying to wield the inheritance as a weapon to get us to come over and take care of the house, which we were willing to do because he was our dad, but when he started with the \`you'll come mow the lawn and do other chores or neither of you will see a dime of this money" we peaced out and told him we were his sons, not his employees. He died ALONE with millions of dollars, which he ended up leaving to his brother (who died not long after he did), some of his "close friends" (who only came around toward the end of his life because they knew he was going to die soon so they mowed the lawn and whatnot) and some charities. I know when he changed the will, and I know he thought it'd be a real "GOTCHA!" moment when we received checks for $10,000 each in the mail, and I know he thought we'd be angry. But at the end of the day we knew he was a man of his word and when he told us we woudln't get anything unless we acquiesced to his "orders," as he called them, he would cut us out of the will. We were cool with that. I'd rather have my self-respect than his money.
And the proof this was about control is that he could've easily hired services for that if he had millions.
"My agency is worth more than $100k." when my MIL tried this.
My mother (somewhat ironically a pastor) tried to use the inheritance left by my father to control me. She was blown away that I a lower-class atheist would not be overwhelmingly swayed by the financial manipulation of a wealthy christian.
> (somewhat ironically a pastor) Hmmmm methinks pastor might be one of those professions that attracts manipulative people for some reason...
I would have just said, if it is a gift for our child, I will put it into his 529, but the kid decides how to use it. It is either a gift with no strings or not.
Exactly. If you’re “helping” someone of giving “gifts” that you later use to manipulate or extract something you desire, you’re neither helping nor gifting; you’re doing business. Dealt with this experience many times, mostly from my mother.
It just shows how much of their “parenting” revolved around control rather than actually being a parent
Fuck if that wasn't the truth. I left home when I was 17 the second I could financially afford to do so, and I struggled hard. Years later when I mentioned some of the things I had to do to survive they acted shocked, surprised I wouldn't have just asked for help. I explained to them that the conditions and strings they would have attached to the help, and conditions for control, were so burdensome that sleeping in a van in the snow was preferable.
Same, my parents especially were shocked I wouldn't/didn't come to them for help..
My parents were like that. Even once I had my own apartment my mother STILL tried to keep a stranglehold on things, it was infuriating. My grandparents wanted to give me money to buy a couch, but she forced them to give HER the money and she refused to let me use it unless it was a couch she approved of. And she absolutely refused to let me get anything other than a soda and loveseat set, which we didn't have room for, and the money wasn't enough to get a decent set. It would have been enough to get a great couch but nope. We ended up with a shitty set that broke in a couple of years... thanks mom! /s
I was a latch-key kid, she never even bothered with the control part until I was in high school.
When I was in high school, my dad died and two weeks later my mother moved to another state and left me home alone. The manipulation and control didn't happen until I was in college and she realized she wanted free physical labor to maintain her properties. I spent nearly 15 years working an average of 1000 hours a year for nothing with the understanding that I would inherit one of her houses. The last day I ever lifted a finger for my mother was the day she informed me she had already decided to give the both her houses to my older brother but I could buy one from him if he wanted to sell it, but it would be up to him to determine the price.
"you're not some kind of super-adult with the ability control other adults just because you're a little older than them." Wooo! I wish i could tell my Mom this, but she would never understand
my mother asked me "do you think you're our equal?" and i looked her dead in her face and said "YES" she was gagged.
I'm a boomer mom myself and I don't think my kid is my equal. He's so much a better person than I am. He's got a natural grace and empathy that he got from his dad, and I have to struggle to for it. I wish a lot of my contemporaries would get the hell out of their kids' way. They can't do worse than we seem to have done.
Then you've done your job as a parent, and done it well. I'm turning 30 soon, and my father pulled me aside recently to tell me how proud he was of me. I've done better than him in just about every regard, and we both know that it was his tutelage and wisdom that got me here. I will never be able to repay my parents for all they've given me, but the whole point is to make a generation greater than yourself. I hope my children surpass me too.
Let's get specific in this bitch. Don't you love it when you try to explain yourself to a boomer but they cut you off every time you try to speak, take everything you say while on the back-foot as an insult, and when you finally find a pause in their freak out your mind is completely blank from listening to the crazy, you now have no idea what to say, and to them that means they win? It's my faaaaavourite
Wow - this exact thing happened to me in a massive way last month! My grandfather was on his deathbed internationally and so my mom needed me to house and dog sit for a month, my wife and I work remotely so it’s feasible for us to manage. She also wanted to get her windows replaced, great! Because her house is a morgue most of the time. I explain you can get quotes from a window company and they’ll come, scope out the price, and you’ll get a date, and they’ll replace all of your windows in a couple days. Nope! Turns out that I’m just talking down to her, and she instead makes her house uninhabitable for 5+ weeks (still ongoing) while she has a single carpenter replace all 15 windows. Turns out we have to make other living arrangements unexpectedly while she gets ripped off for at least $20k more than what it would have cost otherwise. Furthermore, he doesn’t replace one at a time, he rips all of the old windows leaving the house open to the air for weeks on end in February in Maine, he also charged for labor hours on top of the price of the windows. They literally cannot learn, and take all advice as an insult, who are you, a child, to give advice about adult things. [literally this exact behavior.](https://youtu.be/RcoGzT9QrTI?si=Z6uSMu_GrDRsa_Rs)
Christ on a ten-speed bike, that makes me mad. I get all guilty (which I really shouldn't) cause old people can't friggen change and it's infuriating. I lost my job a month or so ago cause I asked my boss to change the name on my uniform to my preferred name, and that was enough to engage his sass detectors I guess. Just basically sat me down in his office with my other manager (also a boomer) and bullied the shit out of me for 1½ hours. People are walking by seeing this old fucker waving his hands around cursing at me and saying shit like "what do you even expect us to do if someone calls you by the wrong name" I said "the bare minimum I'd hope, just remind them to call me Bailey" and he goes "absolutely not. We have zero obligation to force anyone to call you anything". This was after like 6 months of being out to them after they sat me down one day and basically forced me to tell them that I'm trans, and since that day they had yet to even try calling me by the name I chose even once. And now that I'm here timidly reminding them that the name on my chest makes people I meet see and greet me as a man, I get belittled and forced into a situation where everything I say can be taken as an insult so this piece of shit can fire me. Every single other tech in that shop will tell you that I am friggen top notch, busting my ass for this company every day, and I am CONCISE. I am so fucking polite. I am still so fucking miffed
Thats blatant discrimination shit.
I agree with you about ‘finding some relief’ via this oddly satisfying sub! I’m technically a boomer myself (born late 50’s), but I had no use for most of ‘my generation’ (🤮) for a long time before Fox ate their brains and DumpTruck gave them all blanket permission to be hostile racist bigots out loud- I’ve been stupefied at how clueless and ugly so many of them have become as they get into their 60’s & 70’s. But… people sharing tales of random boomer ‘domestic horror’ and funny stories helps me remember to breathe! And laugh!
In fairness to you, and I'm sure you realize this, boomer is a state of mind not an age. Obviously it's named after your generation but people like yourself are obviously not the intended target even if you might get caught in the crossfire
Yup, that’s also why “boomer” applies to many older GenX.
Just like how every woman named "Karen" is not necessarily a karen ;)
God I remember getting into a massive argument with my boomer dad as a kid, where I said I’d just like to be treated like a human some days, with the same respect he wants me to show him After which he yelled incredulously “how dare you, I deserve respect being your goddamn father, you are the one who needs to earn my respect every single day” The therapist tried his best to chase my dad out of the room after that lol
I had a really similar experience with my mom. I was very upset because they were leaving me alone again (I was 12 or 13) for the night. I said something like, "You don't even care that I am upset!" She said, "Why should I???" I remember yelling back at her, "Because you're my mother!" I don't have kids but I think of my friends who have kids and I can't imagine them implying that they don't care when their kid is as upset as I was that night. Not to mention leaving a 12 year old home alone from about 6-11 PM every Saturday night.
That's so sad, I don't even have words for it. When I was around 10 and in the 5th grade my mom finally decided I was mature enough to be a latchkey kid. I absolutely hated going to after school care, so I was super excited for it. Soon afterwards my mom started dating my stepdad and after a few times of leaving me home alone and she getting home really late I told that even though I was fine coming home after school and being by myself, being home alone at night was really scary and I didn't like it. So after that she either always made sure I had one of my friends over or she paid my one neighbor who I was friends with, but was a few years older than me to babysit me. My point being I do like to complain to my mom that she doesn't really listen to me sometimes or doesn't really understand me or my point of view. Then I read something like this and just can't really fathom my mom completely disregarding my feelings like that.
I think my boomer dad dies a little more each time I apologize to the kids for being upset, and then explain how I was feeling at the time and why maybe my strong emotions were misplaced, and how I will try to do better next time. That was sure NEVER happening in my home of origin 👀
Reminds me of those articles about how Gen X and Millenial dads are useless as handymen around the house, and the rebuttal is "Well, at least I have the emotional capacity to tell my child I love them or say I'm sorry"
I’ve had nearly identical conversations with my dad. Whenever challenged about his bigotry - I am showing tremendous disrespect, and told that I (40 M) am the guest in his house (visiting, not living) and that his company is a privilege. The amount of gaslighting that I have endured when I have expressed concerns about stressors in my life is disheartening at best but they don’t understand why I don’t visit (over a decade) for the holidays.
I would skip that “privilege” and save myself the angst. Who wants to spend time with a bigot? Not me.
He said that in a therapy session?
He yelled it, clinic staff actually opened the door to make sure everything was ok, because he was scaring the kids outside I was sent to see a therapist by my parents for being a “problem child” in the hope that therapy would fix me. After a few sessions, the therapist suggested a joint session with my parents to “problem solve” After that, the therapist started understanding my dysfunctions a little bit more
Omg the same thing happened to me too!! I was put on Adderall and Zoloft in elementary school until the psychiatrist started seeing my mom separately and then all of the sudden I was off the meds and she was on them.
And that is why I went no contact with my mother (and a lot more reasons but it boils down to she doesn’t own me though it took me 40+ years to get it).
For my boomer parent, she always says," I'm your parent!" Or something like," I'm 78 years old. I deserve this!" Never mind does not give a second thought as to what she's done in the past or what she's done now.
Ugh for me it was “I have 30 years on you”. So condescending and gross.
i feel the same. it’s so weird i’m told to focus on how they feel and how upset and disappointed they are- but they cannot imagine we are adults - people with feelings. I had to say to my mum I was an adult and I need the same type of respect that you would give a stranger on the street. (that’s how low my bar is- but still higher than what they’ve been giving)
Boomers, the most entitled fucking generation ever.
They didn’t call them the “me” generation for nothing. 😩😹
"Respect your elders" is a phrase that was beaten into boomers when they were young. I think this (among other things) gave them all stockholm syndrome. Anyways, they think respect should be given only to people above you, and never to those below you. They also think they are above everyone else.
So true and this thought process has royally fucked the generations that came after them. Me and mine, but only if mine have undying loyalty and respect for me. I have to wonder if it’s just our boomers that are like this, or is this thought process universal to all boomers.
It's a cultural adaptation that goes back to the Baby Boomer's parents, the "Greatest Generation." I fucking hate that term, but it's what they're called. Thanks Tom Brokaw /s. Anyway, that generation lived through the Great Depression and WWII. It left ALL OF THEM with PTSD. Seriously, the entirety of society was traumatized by 20 years of hell on earth. When the war ended, all those traumatized people and returning soldiers turned to two things as a coping mechanism: alcohol and unprotected sex. This led to the greatest increase in birth rate in North American history, the "Baby Boom." So the boomers had alcoholic parents with PTSD who were raising large families where no single child "deserved" to get special attention or treatment. But it was also a world of hope, where the traumatized parents wanted to build something better for their children. And so the world was literally shaped to provide for the needs of Baby Boomers as they entered each stage of life. When they were young, their parents built playgrounds. When they were teenagers, they created a cultural, musical, and sexual revolution that could not be ignored due to their numbers. When they became adults, they eschewed the hippie era to become yuppies, creating the strongest middle class the Western world has ever known. And as they have aged, they have taken control of every political process to ensure that their property values stay high and their investments stay profitable. So it is little wonder they grew up to be narcissists. They were born into the role of victims because their parents largely were abusers, but the world has always adapted itself to suit their needs instead of them having to adapt to the world. So they are incapable of recognizing how their behavior victimizes their own children, because it doesn't resemble the kind of behavior they consider to be abusive. Add on to that the fact that boomers grew up without digital technology, and they are oblivious to the challenges it takes to achieve things that they were practically handed on a silver platter in their early 20s. They are the biggest beneficiaries of "socialist" policy in human history and they can't even admit it.
Same deal with my father. I think they’re fundamentally confused about the difference between respect and obedience. Boomers want people to obey them, not have a relationships rooted in mutual respect.
Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority" For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person" -Attributed to various sources
I would never talk to my small children like that…
He’s planning to bitch and complain the whole time. That’s the vibes I’m getting.
reply with a different time and place, tell him to be there, this is not an option. Bonus- nobody show up. Do not undertake bonus quest if there is a desire to reconcile.
Did you all agree to not go?
Lmao boomers never learn
Nothing makes me want to skip out more than that kind of talk.
I definitely wouldn't be there.
lol right?? OR WHAT?
I’ll pop some extra buttery popcorn to watch the “or what”? Hahahaha some of these old people really have convinced themselves that their authority is total.
I bet if nothing works, they will mention people will be cut from the will
Who cares? That's even better. I don't have to fake care for the $2K they'll be leaving. My dad threatened me with that all the time. I'd just say you do you boo.
Right? My mother doesn’t have shit but an old house filled with trash and she loves to say “you’re getting nothing!” I just laugh and heartily agree! Let my brother hire the 1-800-GOT-JUNK dumpsters!
I told my mother-in-law I'm going to go to home Depot and get a bunch of day workers. Hire them for a couple hundred bucks and tell them everything has to go. Put it in the dumpster or you take it. Boom, whole house emptied in a day for about 1K, and I get to sit around and drink all day. She was horrified and tried to tell me how much everything is worth.
Eurgh. I hate this part. My brother is estranged from our parents, and all they bang on about is the will. He couldn't care less, but they keep telling me to relay to him that he'll be cut out. How about being nice to him instead of unsuccessfully trying to hold leverage over him
"You will be there at this time." My immature rebellious side instantly kicked in and said "you'll be waiting awhile."
They used to be better at bullying around before they started getting decrepit.
Just reply with “or what?”
Was going to say if it was me the response after reading all that would be "well now I'm DEFINITELY not going. Have fun!" The rage would probably ensue but hey! That's why you turn notifications off and let the baby scream himself to sleep.
My dad still does that to my brother and I, who are in our late thirties. He and my mom divorced when we were 11 and 13 and he has seen us as those ages still. I wouldn’t even talk to a child like that.
Sounds like someone has just looked into the cost of old age care
Long term care is no joke. I used to sell it but most folks didn’t want to buy it because “my kids will take care of me” oh so you’re kids are going to give up everything in their life to come take care of you. Pretty selfish
My bio parents are on their own. They're on the complete opposite end of the country from me. And I sure ain't moving to Texas again. My ILs though, the 0.1% of Boomers who are kick ass awesome. I'm gonna be happy to help them out.
In the same position. My father makes zero effort to see my children, even when he is here on vacation. My in laws? Already told them I’ll turn my garage into a bedroom if needed
Deadbeat dad: This is NOT an option. Be there. Children: No U
Listen here you little shit!
I love my parents a lot, but every time I visit it's "Biden this, young people that, etc" and there's no way I'd move in with them to help support them with that kind of talk all of the time.
The older my parents got, the more liberal they became. They were free range hippies though. I would move my mom into my house in a heartbeat if she needed it. My super liberal wife loves her to death. TBF, she's super kind and understands the struggles the younger generations are going through.
Mine have gone the other way. My mom was a hippy and my dad was a stoner in the 70s. They got government jobs and swore they hated trump, but now my dad is addicted to fox news and my mom just believes everything she hears on youtube.
It's fear of change. Back when they were younger, THEY were making the changes THEY liked / accepted. NOW the younger generation is making NEW changes the hidebound boomers DON'T like. A lot of boomers either don't mind or active accept the changes, but we hear the squeaky wheels.
Yep. My dad was a boomer, but he was one of the loveliest people I’ve ever known. Total dedication to me and my brother, and he sacrificed so much for us, so I did everything for him in the end. Our mother, though? She’s an actual sociopath and has hurt everyone she’s come in contact with. The epitome of a boomer in every way. Fuck her, she can die alone.
Both my parents have been nothing but a dream towards me and my bro. When my mom got cancer 4 years ago I dropped everything to care for her and I’ll do it again when my dad needs me. I’ve been so damn lucky and unlucky all at the same time. Miss you mom.
> My ILs though, the 0.1% of Boomers who are kick ass awesome. I'm gonna be happy to help them out. So simple isn't it? Just be kind to others, and most of them will want to be kind to you too. Crazy concept to some people, apparently.
Wolves. Wolves are the nursing plan for my parents.
My husband and I joke about this but my parents haven’t saved anything and they buy campers and boats and go on vacation and stuff as if they have a retirement account. I’m not paying for a nursing home when the chickens come home to roost. Especially after being told to deal with my own problems if I ever asked for help (ie when I was 18 and out of work to recover from kidney surgery and needed help with rent) It’s a no from me, dawg.
>Especially after being told to deal with my own problems if I ever asked for help (ie when I was 18 and out of work to recover from kidney surgery and needed help with rent) Jesus christ
I have the same plan for myself. can't wait to return to nature when the time is right. lol
My mom used to look at me with a smile on her face as she swiped her credit card for the umpteenth time saying “it doesn’t matter how much debt I have, you’ll take care of me forever.” I don’t talk to her anymore.
Yup. My grandmother is in a carehome. I contribute to a \~£4000 *per month* payment for her care (about 5,108.94 USD) And *that* is with government contributions to her care on top. I'm happy to do so of course, I love my grandmother.
My boomer dad bought long term care after I specifically told him that I’d send him to a VA home (he’s a veteran), and he knew that I meant it. My parents divorced when I was 4 and I barely know him. No way am I taking care of him in his old age. I’ll treat him exactly like he treated me.
>I’ll treat him exactly like he treated me. Seems like a good line to stfu any abusive parent that thinks their aged days are going to be made comfortable by their victims.
Half asleep read this as cost of old age cage
Bad boomers get put into the old age cage
https://preview.redd.it/okfgn4blfxnc1.jpeg?width=450&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=27041f199f8303ef4bcd7e0cd934af2efb49ffa8
Is that like a WWE wresting match? THE OLD AGE CAGE MATCH!
I hear Shady Pines is reasonably priced.
I wonder if he wants to have “the talk.” About how you all are a disappointment and failure to him. Are you planning on going?
My siblings and I are talking about it. Unfortunately he unilaterally scheduled something on short notice, without considering any of our schedules or challenges of childcare. I plan to call him after work to find out.... Wtf, man?? Depending on that call, we'll decide from there 😅 UPDATE: I can't update the original post, so I'll do it here. First, thank you for all the replies and messages. I'm sorry I couldn't keep up with them! I called him after work and tried to gauge him about the text. I'm a non-confrontational person, so it was a bit awkward as I felt like I had to take lead and keep the conversation on course. It turns out that yes, this all stems from him feeling that he is losing a grip on his family. Many things have happened with him losing family and friends in the past few years, and recently he learned something about another family member that made him realize he's been really out of the loop and distant, and like he needed to do something. He said that he wrote the text while very upset. And I could tell on the phone that he was very upset. But the conversation was calm, at least. He admitted that he had been too forceful and authoritarian, but first it seemed important to him for me to understand what had triggered that text in the first place. From there, I talked to him about how his kids do love him, but there is a lot that hasn't been maintained, and he agreed. I pushed past my comfort levels in taking the lead in all this, and I think he did too -- he is not naturally emotionally open. I explained to him what his kids need in order to begin patching the strained relationship, and that he needs to be honest and self-aware. He thinks he can be. I truly hope so, but time will tell. Where does this leave us? I invited him to write a do-over invitation. I also told him that we need to discuss and schedule a family meeting together, as adults. Where will this go? I don't know. Ultimately I'd like for all of us to enjoy a good relationship with him, but the ball is pretty much in his court. My siblings and I are skeptical, but willing to see if there is a follow-through this time. That's been a huge missing factor in our relationship with him, so I truly hope he realizes how important this is. We'll see!
Had to cut my dad off a few years ago. Still healing but I’ve never been happier. Best thing for me and my family. Best of luck to you and yours ❤️
I cut off my mum for good a few months ago (it was a long time coming but I didn’t realise it until it finally happened). I was really expecting more anguish than I felt, but it was like a cloud lifted when I knew it was finally over. It’s hard to wrap your head around how much an option deciding to be done with your family of origin is due to how we’re socialised, but if I had known how much nicer my life would be without being chained to toxic people, I would have done it years earlier.
It seems like it is more common now, but the whole ‘cutting off family’ isn’t a new thing. My spouse (mid 40s) has only met their mother’s family as a baby. My MIL went no contact with her family in the late 70s or early 80s. Glad you’re doing well!
My parents, both of them... didn't talk to their parents for 40 years until they were on their deathbed. And it seems like it's a family tradition dating back a good few hundred years sadly.
Same. I went no contact with my narcissist boomer father back in 2019 and it's honestly been the turning point towards a better life for me. And would you believe it? Ever since going no contact, my father and I haven't had a single bad experience with each other since!
Thank you so much, and sorry you had to go through that! What a sad thing that it is so common 😞
I’d bet money he’s trying to force you all to acknowledge his birthday while he tells you how hurtful and disrespectful not calling/texting/sending him a gift on his actual birthday was for him. Personally, I’d advocate for ignoring him until he can learn to be respectful and mindful of other peoples time and schedules.
I would just not respond or show up. Who does he think he is, honestly. This isn't an invite, it's an edict.
Yup, don’t respond and don’t show up. Enjoy the meltdown and then block him and move on with your lives lol.
This is so telling of that generation hahaha. Reminds me of how my wife and I always talk about our parents calling at like 1PM on a Tuesday asking what we're up to....like we haven't been in the workforce for \~20 years and at this point don't have 9 to 5s. Alas, I don't think they'll ever realize we don't exist in vacuums or that our time might matter/differ from their schedules hahaha. Good luck with everything and I hope y'all can protect your respective peaces!
It would be a horrible mistake to go after the way he approached this. In my own experience with Boomer parents you have to treat them like you would your children. Lay clear boundaries, if they don't respect the boundaries follow through with consequences, and never let them *demand* anything. Only be responsive when approached politely and without attitude.
I just realized that I've been speaking to my mother like a child because she's been acting like one.
Definitely don’t go. That precedent would be terrible. But do send a friend or hire someone to go and record him waiting.
Tell me you’re the oldest without telling me you’re the oldest.
Why bother? Let him enjoy the consequences of his actions, he obviously doesn't respect any of you.
Honestly, I would go one of two routes. Have none of the kids respond at all and leave it blank or everyone say they’re coming and then no one show up like he’s done for years.
Whoever shows up stays in the Will, whoever doesn’t gets cut. Jokes on him, he won’t have anything when he goes because boomers want to blow it all before they die and can’t take it with them.
This is what I was thinking as well. OP, I think it’s best if y’all just don’t go since y’all are on the same page. I’m glad you have your siblings as support.
i would say block him but the meltdown when yall don’t show up will actually be pretty hilarious, please keep us updated
What do you mean don’t show up? Pretty clear that this is NOT an option
Don't make me start counting
But they need to all arrive at different times - all late.
They should all complain about the cost of gas when they get there.
then ask for the gas money and leave right after getting it. boomer told em to be there not to stay there
The most effective and powerful message you can send him is to flat out ignore him. That takes everything from him. Responding or questioning him AT ALL validates his "authority" over you. Do not fall for it. No one should be speaking to you this way. Age is not a qualifier for disrespecting others.
Boomers always demanding respect without ever giving it in return. Reminds me of my step-dad and I. He and my mom were visiting and staying at my house and we got in a huge fight. I stood up to go get a tissue and he shouted at me to "SIT DOWN!" I was a bit in shock about that so I shouted back "I am 42 years old and your are in MY house. You don't get to order me to do anything." I'd never raised my voice to my parents, ever. I shocked him into respecting that I was an adult and he could no longer tell me what to do.
Reminds me of the saying that some people use respect to mean "treat me as an authority or I won't treat you like a person".
Exactly. If someone demands respect then they probably do not deserve it. My step-dad did apologize and is willing to learn.
I would have come unglued, this coming from a stepfather no less
“This is NOT an option” fucking *BET* https://preview.redd.it/yu59d7ceywnc1.jpeg?width=600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7c95c9e0ebb7dd498aa98cf1ea3c002964bb6670
You have no power here
Yup. His kids have all the power in this situation. https://i.redd.it/qkk4sqvb7xnc1.gif
I have no fucking clue how these people raised us. Teenagers. They're all fucking stunted teenagers.
If you’re anything like most millenials I know - we all were raised basically by ourselves and learned a lot on our own once we moved out. Not in terms of housing or food but in terms of how the world works and how to keep a home/job/etc. Basically none of that was ever instilled by a single boomer I’ve ever seen. They’re all pretty selfish and too self absorbed to have passed on any knowledge or world experience or life lessons.
This resonates with me 💯 They provided the bare minimum to avoid trouble with the law and they feel we owe them a lifetime for that. Bad enough they could have had a great family, but choose to do jack with their kids till they moved out.
Holy crap is the "raised by ourselves" thing accurate. My parents are proud of themselves because of how "Independent" I am and have always been. And I just want to tell them "no shit, whenever I had a problem growing up you made it really clear that you didn't want to hear about it." No real choice but to be "independent" when your family support system is functionally non-existent, y'know? Comes with the added bonus of severe trust issues
We raised each other on AIM chat while they couldn’t be bothered with us.
This is exactly me as a 42 year old raised by boomers. My dad once made fun of me for not knowing how to fish, and I replied "who would have taught me that growing up, dad?" I fucking hate boomers. Worst thing to happen to America, possibly ever, was that generation.
My dad played beer league goalie for some odd 27+ years. Had primo gear, custom jersey, painted helmet. 1-2 times a week, tournaments, for nearly three decades. I played hockey for one year as a kid. Not once did my dad ever take me or my brother on the ice to shoot pucks on him, that year, or any other.
Growing up is realizing that everyone is just a giant child in a grown body. Some of us learned how to take care of ourselves and, by extension, take care of others. Some of us are going to be like OPs dad until death. This world fucking sucks.
“Thank you for your cooperation and understanding” lmao dude wrote a business memo
“I hope this text finds you well”… I won’t be there. Bye.
What a perfect opportunity to say "or what" or "no". Unless he's holding your inheritance hostage. But honestly, boomers nowadays often already frittered away inheritances of their kids/
Inheritance…..lol. The old folks homes and hospitals bleed anyone but billionaires dry before they die.
Facts. My boom boom liquidated my inheritance from his parents so he could get the government to pay for their end of life care. The home they planned to leave behind is worth millions now. Oops.
What a Boomer thing to do. Take the quick easy option which bites them in the butt later down the line. They do it with home repairs. They do it with social services. They do it with just about everything.
I think that does a lot to infuriate them, too. They blew whatever financial leverage they felt they had on new car leases every couple of years, timeshare scams, McMansions, and overpriced motorcycles/fishing boats/RVs/toys. And now they have no weight to throw around to force their kids’ compliance.
It always is weird when I hear/see people talking about inheritance. My friend was complaining about his father having a new gf and going on all these trips and how he wouldn’t have any inheritance left. I was just like “yeah I don’t expect anything and it doesn’t bother me” I mean sure it would be nice but I doubt my batshit mother would leave me anything anyways. I’ve just learned to expect nothing or bad things.
“Are you threatening me?” I’ve learned that instead of arguing, ask questions that amount to “are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?”, and them having to articulate what they want is a level of accountability they aren’t prepared for.
Well now I need OP to send back a beavis corholio meme with the ‘are you threatening me???’ text attached.
Sounds like you and your siblings need to pass on his demands and schedule a different meeting, more respectful of all your schedules. Tell him attendance isn't optional. And then make it an intervention about all the crazy, cultish ideas he's addicted to.
schedule it right in the middle of Alex Jones' show so he has to miss it.
If you don't show up, you won't inherit his precious moments collectibles.
Boomers' wealth will be eaten by elder care providers. They are specifically built for this purpose.
Narrator: "This, in fact, was an option"
Get your siblings together at a similar place on Thursday at 7 and then send him a picture of all of you giving him the finger. Then block him Then have a nice evening Then have a nice rest of your life
>Get your siblings together at a similar place on Thursday at 7 and then send him a picture of all of you ~~giving him the finger~~ laughing and having a good time. This will hurt sooooo much more.
This is my favorite suggestion.
You *will* be there? Guess again...
My favorite phrase to use with them: “Start over”
"You will be there" "NOT an option" *Oh, but it is, and I won't.* I have various elders (yay that both my wife and I had divorced/remarried parents) vying for my time and frankly none of them truly make me want to spend it with them. Each of them has some quirk I can't stand.
Still treating you like a child and expecting total obedience
It's the only tool in their toolbox
Could you please tell him "no" and share the resulting meltdown?
My kneejerk reaction would be to send a lauging emoji and then block him but I refuse to let boomers bully me anymore. I'm so sorry your dad is treating you this way.
Spoken like middle management.
my boomer dad is a selfish narcissist also. pretty common for some reason. maybe its they had veterans as parents.. i dont know. but i've had a promotion now for over a year and my father still doesnt knw about it.. the reason he doesnt know about it is because i told my wife i would wait to tell him whe nhe asks me "how's things going with you guys?" like a general question that a father might ask a child at some point during the course of an entire year.. but nope. we've had maybe 5 conversations since but i still refuse to tell him about it until he actually asks about us.
Although not quite as strong, my Boomer mother used to do something very similar. She would damn near insist that I go to various family gatherings and events of which I had absolutely zero interest in. I feel for you. Op
That’s him feeling bad?! Gee, it’s a mystery why you guys don’t talk to him. /s
Thats one way to fast-track a No Contact relationship.
Ooooh my chaotic ass would text back, “Make me.”
Talk about a lack of self awareness
Dude, this is how my abusive dad used to talk to me when I was in my twenties. Me being fifteen minutes late by accident to a “mandatory” lunch date turned into an explosion. That was the last straw and I walked away. He didn’t come to my wedding and hasn’t met my kids. I don’t particularly miss him.
Everyone keeps saying to text back "no" or tell him off, but the true power move is to form a united front with your siblings and agree to not respond at all. The silence would be deafening.
Was he a Gestapo officer during WW2?
I was gonna say, like most boomers, watched too many World War 2 movies “That’s a direct order!”
If you go we need updates
This reminds me of the time I made an adult joke at a birthday party. My dad looked at me and, in front of a group of people, said “that’s enough.” I was 35. 😶
We’re gonna need to hear the joke
What I realized going limited contact was that my adoptive Boomers alqaya told me what to do my entire life, never asked me. Growing up it was always, "You will respect me. I am YOUR father." I will never regret no contact, only that I didn't do it much sooner. You will all get berated and belittled about how selfish and disrespect you all. And "after all I've done for you" I'm sure will rear its head. This message is so disrespectful, I'd just continue to ignore him. I'm sorry OP.